Laypeople have long known that bacon can cure innumerable ailments: depression, unwanted thinness, tastelessness of lentil. And new research suggests that the cured meat has medical applications that have nothing to do with the heart and stomach. It seems that bacon — used in a very unusual way — is one of the best cures out there for a bloody nose.

We know what you're thinking: the cure must involve bacon fumes. Surely, the delectable smell of bacon sizzling its way to crispness in the frying pan must be so miraculous that it can dry up nasal hemorrhages as surely as it stops diets!

Nope, unfortunately not. The real cure doesn't even involve cooked bacon. Instead, to cure a nosebleed using bacon, you actually have to stick a piece of bacon up the bloody nostril. It turns out raw "cured salt pork" (read: basically bacon) is as effective a nasal tampon as we have. It works especially well for treating certain conditions that lead to chronic nosebleeds.

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Navy SEAL operation that freed two Western hostages in Somalia is representative of the Obama administration’s pledge to build a smaller, more agile military force that can carry out surgical counterterrorist strikes to cripple an enemy.

That’s a strategy much preferred to the land invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan that have cost so much American blood and treasure over the past decade. The contrast to a full-bore invasion is stark: A small, daring team storms a pirate encampment on a near-moonless night, kills nine kidnappers and whisks the hostages to safety.

Navy SEAL raid in Somalia shows campaign ahead – Yahoo! News
Technorati Tags: Navy SEAL raid in Somalia, Somalia, pirates, SEALs, Navy

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – White House aides are alarmed by uncharacteristic behavior on the part of President Obama, who they say has been laughing uncontrollably since 7 PM Saturday night.

The aides, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that they heard “unusual howls” coming from the Oval Office just after the seven o’clock hour on Saturday evening, causing them to rush to the President to ascertain the cause of the uproar.

“It was weird,” one aide said. “He was just watching cable news.”

The staff members thought little of the normally reserved President’s giggle attack until it continued throughout the weekend, which saw Mr. Obama laughing uncontrollably and stopping only to gasp for air.

Ever since Saturday, Mr. Obama has been oddly giddy throughout White House staff meetings, the aide said, and has been seen doodling the initials “N.G.” in the margins of memos “like a love-struck schoolgirl.”

“The only thing we can think of that N.G. might stand for is Not Good,” the aide said. “But why would he be so happy about something that’s not good?”

Mr. Obama’s high spirits were on evidence today in a brief White House appearance, in which the President made the following statement about the administration’s energy policies: “Going forward, the United States of America will bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.”

Concerned White House Aides Say Obama Has Not Stopped Laughing Since Saturday Night « Borowitz Report
Technorati Tags: President Obama, White House, Barack Obama, Newt Gingrich, GOP, Republican

Newt to America: ‘Join Me. Join Me in My Marriage’

CHARLESTON, SC (The Borowitz Report) – In a sign of renewed confidence, just minutes after former House Speaker Newt Gingrich romped to victory in the South Carolina primary he changed his Facebook status to “In an Open Relationship.”

Mr. Gingrich made no reference to his new Facebook status during his victory speech, in which he made an emotional appeal to the American people: “I say to each and every one of you: Join me. Join me in my marriage.”

The former House Speaker used the speech to highlight the differences between himself and the current resident of the White House: “The American people have a choice: do they want a President who issues food stamps, or one who runs up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany?”

Mr. Gingrich drew cheers and a standing ovation as he concluded his remarks, saying, “In closing, I am staying at the Marriott, Rm. 205. Ladies?”

In yet another boost, Mr. Gingrich received this nod from former rival Herman Cain: “I am not endorsing Newt Gingrich, but I am endorsing Newt Gingrich’s lifestyle.”

At the White House, President Obama made only a glancing reference to the results in South Carolina, telling reporters, “I haven’t been this happy since we smoked bin Laden.”

For his part, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney minimized Mr. Gingrich’s 12% margin of victory: “That’s even less than I pay in taxes.”

In Confident Sign, Gingrich Changes Facebook Status to ‘In an Open Relationship’ « Borowitz Report
Technorati Tags: Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, GOP, Obama

Before the Baltimore Ravens’ 20-13 win over the Houston Texans in the divisional round of the playoffs, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco let the media have it about the fact that he feels disrespected as a winning quarterback. “I’m sure if we win I’ll have nothing to do with why we won, according to you guys,” Flacco said last Wednesday.

As it turned out, the Ravens won, and Flacco didn’t have as much to do with it as he’d probably need to make his case that he’s an elite quarterback. He was bailed out by his receivers on several throws, and his final stat line — 14 of 27 for 176 yards and two touchdowns — should be seen in that context. According to Football Outsiders’ opponent-adjusted metrics, Flacco was the sixth-best quarterback of the entire divisional round — just above Texans rookie quarterback T.J. Yates and some guy named Tim Tebow.

More importantly, Flacco left one of the Ravens’ most important players with a distinctly unimpressed feeling. Talking to SIRIUS NFL Radio on Monday, mega-safety Ed Reed said that Flacco underperformed against Houston’s aggressive defense.

“They had a lot of guys in the box on him and they were giving [the pass] to him,” Reed said. “I think a couple of times he needed to get rid of the ball. It just didn’t look like he had a hold on the offense. I don’t know how much of [that was] the play calling … but it just didn’t look like he had a hold on the offense, you know, of times past … It was just kind of like they [were] telling him [what] to do — throw the ball or get it here, you know, get it to certain guys.”

Perhaps this was based on a concern that to beat the New England Patriots, who the Ravens will meet in Sunday’s AFC championship game, Flacco will most likely have to play a near-perfect game — and he hasn’t had too many of those this season.

Ed Reed pressures all quarterbacks — including his own.

“He can’t play like [he did against the Texans],” Reed continued. “One specific play that sticks out to me was when Ray Rice came out and got pushed out of the backfield and [Flacco] still threw him the ball and he had Torrey Smith on the outside. I can see that sitting on the sideline or sitting in the stands. You don’t know what someone else is seeing.”

Flacco came out of the 2008 draft with as much pure arm talent as any quarterback in recent memory, but the results have been questionable at best. Despite his reputation as a “winner,” his 44-20 regular-season “record” must be mitigated by the fact that he’s buttressed by an astounding defense and the efforts of Ray Rice. Flacco is, in fact, the NFL’s best argument against quarterback wins as a statistic.

Only twice in the 2011 season did he throw more than two touchdown passes in a game, and each of those were in the bag by Week 3. Of special concern should be the four games in which he failed to throw for a score at all, despite attempting more than 30 passes in three of those games, and more than 50 against the Arizona Cardinals. He’s known as a guy who’s “won” a lot of playoff games, which is fine until you realize that he has more postseason interceptions (seven) than touchdowns (six). And the last time Flacco faced the Patriots in the playoffs, he “won” a wild-card game, 33-14, despite throwing just 10 passes and competing only four. In fact, he didn’t throw a single touchdown pass in four of his first five playoff games.

Reed, who’s been one of the smartest players in the NFL since Flacco was attending high school, knows all this. His outburst was most likely an attempt at motivation, and the “tough love” that’s been a part of the Ravens’ culture for a long time. If Flacco gets past the Patriots and his own limitations, it’s all systems go for the Super Bowl. But all the pressure is on Flacco now, and even his teammates know it. If he can’t pull it off this time, he’s likely to be more defined by that.

Ed Reed unimpressed with Joe Flacco’s performance in playoffs | Shutdown Corner – Yahoo! Sports
Technorati Tags: Ed Reed, Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens, AFC Championship, NFL Superbowl, Superbowl XLVI

It’s a story straight out of suburbia: A nosy neighbor sees someone riding around on a skateboard and makes a call to an authority figure in an attempt to stop such rebellious behavior. The one key difference in the following tale: The someone on the skateboard was Joe Flacco and the authority figure the neighbor called was the Baltimore Ravens.

The quarterback, who will face the New England Patriots in Sunday’s AFC championship game, recounted the story on Wednesday to “NFL Total Access.” Our friends at NFL.com have the transcription:

“I’d never been on a skateboard in my life, so I was literally riding it about 10 feet down my driveway just to see if I could stand on it and stay upright. One of my neighbors must have called in looking for [general manager] Ozzie Newsome and left a voicemail on his secretary’s phone saying, ‘Hey, man, you got to let Joe Flacco know we’re trying to win the Super Bowl around here! He’s at home riding a skateboard. Somebody’s got to let him know what the deal is.’”

Little known fact: The neighbor was Ed Reed.

[Video: Key players in the AFC and NFC championship games]

Kidding, but aren’t you starting to get an idea of why the future Hall of Famer called out his quarterback to the press this week? All you need to know about Flacco’s decision-making abilities can be gleaned from this story and from that horseshoe mustache.

Who tries skateboarding four days before the biggest game of his career? (For that matter, what 27-year-old man skateboards?) Pavarotti doesn’t try sword swallowing the week before singing at The Met, you know?

Thanks, Larry Brown Sports

Someone tattled to the Ravens about Joe Flacco riding a skateboard | Shutdown Corner – Yahoo! Sports
Technorati Tags: Ed Reed, Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens, NFL, AFC, AFC Championship, 2012 AFC Championship, 2012 NFL Superbowl, Superbowl XLVI

Huddles with Advisors About Possible Affair

CHARLESTON, SC (The Borowitz Report)– Stung by defeat in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is considering a bold strategy to reboot his Presidential campaign: engaging in a high-profile extramarital affair.

At a press conference in Charleston Mr. Romney confirmed that he was consulting with senior advisors about the best way to proceed with an inappropriate relationship.

“Republican voters have sent the message that they want to vote for an adulterous scumbag and I have heard them loud and clear,” he said. “I promise that I will engage in a world-class extramarital affair that will make all of us proud again.”

According to one senior advisor, the Romney campaign was already holding focus groups and conducting special polling to determine the best person with whom Mr. Romney should conduct his extracurricular dalliance.

And in a sign that Mr. Romney is taking precipitous action to find an object for his adulterous intentions, today his campaign launched a new dating site, SexyTimeWithMitt.com.

But according to one female visitor to the site, Mr. Romney’s nascent career as a would-be lothario is still very much a work in progress: “He listed his status as ‘It’s complicated’ but then I read a little further and realized he was talking about his taxes.”

Elsewhere, an exultant Newt Gingrich made the following victory statement: “I’ve left Mitt Romney behind faster than a woman with cancer.”

Stung by Defeat, Romney Considers Adultery « Borowitz Report
Technorati Tags: GOP, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican

To the People of Iowa

YONGYANG (The Borowitz Report) – The following is a letter from Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, to the people of Iowa.

Dear Voters of Iowa:

In December I became Supreme Leader of North Korea. Pretty amazing development for a twentysomething who at the time was still living at home and spending all day playing Angry Birds. But there I was, receiving the cheers of millions of North Koreans, who usually don’t get that excited unless they’ve caught sight of a pork sandwich. (LOL)

Here is why I am writing to you today: on Tuesday, you will go to your caucuses and choose from among a field of Republican presidential candidates. And let me tell you, the idea of any of these people getting nuclear weapons scares the shit out of me.

This is just one of many differences between your country and mine. In North Korea, we lock up the criminally insane. In America, you let them debate on TV. Right now you have people running for President I would not trust to take care of my plants.

So who do I recommend you vote for on Tuesday? In a word, me.

If you think about it, I am the most Republican candidate of all. In North Korea, we have no taxes. We have achieved that through a conservative policy of no jobs. Also, we have no wasteful “big government” programs providing food, shelter, or safe drinking water. And am I pro-life? Well, try this on for size: I believe that life begins at conception and ends at starvation.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I’m too young to be President, since I’m under 35. Well, who would you rather have running your country, someone who’s under 35, or someone whose IQ is under 35? (LOL)

I think when you look at all the facts, voters of Iowa, you’ll realize that Kim Jong-un is the Republican who most deserves your vote. And if you’re still not convinced, remember this: at least I’m not Mitt Romney.

Peace out yo,

Your Supreme Leader

A Letter from Kim Jong-un « Borowitz Report
Technorati Tags: A Letter from Kim Jong-un, Iowa caucus, Republican nominee

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas to you all.

British-born author, literary critic and journalist Christopher Hitchens has died at the age of 62.

He died from pneumonia, a complication of the oesophageal cancer he had , at a Texas hospital.

Vanity Fair magazine, which announced his death, said there would “never be another like Christopher”.

He is survived by his wife, Carol Blue, and their daughter, Antonia, and his children from a previous marriage, Alexander and Sophia.

Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter described the writer as someone “of ferocious intellect, who was as vibrant on the page as he was at the bar”.

“Those who read him felt they knew him, and those who knew him were profoundly fortunate souls.”

He maintained his devout atheism after being diagnosed with cancer, telling one interviewer: “No evidence or argument has yet been presented which would change my mind. But I like surprises.”

BBC News – Christopher Hitchens dies at 62 after suffering cancer
Technorati Tags: Christopher Hitchens dies at 62 after suffering cancer, Christopher Hitchens