http://rasyk.lt lt kitoks.lt Come and sit by me
My music box
Opens, now that
We're sitting.

On the ground
Rain is conducting
Our life in melodies
Our details in details.

Your tea and my coffee
Evening is slurping
I can't resist when you're
Tickling my belly in secret.

]]> Thu, 23 May 2013 00:49:17 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/207701.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/207701.html Everything he does is as simple as breathing: he lets the day in, and then, at nights, everything, every fail and miracle, every minute detail of his walk to the university and home, gets out into Samantha’s face. She listens to him very carefully. She says that they are both ok.
Constantine is yet a wonder. When he was a child, he and Samantha would stand in snow, each would hold a finch that they found while playing hide-and-seek, they would count the stars, look at each other and shout as loud as they could: ‘We do not believe in planets, no. We are sorry for that! ’. They believed in a coincidence.
Everyday Constantine swears that he will ignore time, this chronic disease, as he calls it. He wakes up and kills the alarm clock. He stands motionless for a while, he approaches the window as if ready to jump. But no. Eventually, Constantine looks around his room, picks a new alarm clock from a box under his desk and puts the little pretty red apparatus on his nightstand. The dead one is somewhere under the bed. Yes, Constantine’s clocks die, otherwise time would kill them. It’s a chronic disease.
Eventually, Constantine leaves the apartment. He stays there only during holidays and the days when it snows. Then he remembers how Samantha once told him to let the finches go, but he did not do that. He put one of them close to his chest:
‘Here, take another and do the same. Hurry, Sam. ’
‘No, what are you doing? ’
‘Hurry, mine is already getting in. ’
‘You are crazy, Constantine…’
‘No, I am…’
‘… You are constantly doing strange things. I am going home. I will not come here tomorrow. ’
She left and it snowed so heavily that day. The finch, yet, was peacefully sleeping inside Constantine’s chest.
Every night is the same. As a ritual. Samantha is a hunter, an owl, she comes back every night and Constantine says to her:
‘No woman is like you. ’
‘Every No Woman has her own No Man, Constantine. ’
‘Do you believe in planets now? ’
‘I don’t know, Constantine. ’
‘Well, I think about it everyday. The finch…’
‘There is no finch, Constantine. ’
‘There is. I hate your coincidences. ’
‘You hate them because you repeat them everyday. ’
‘There is no repetition then, Sam. ’
Late at night, when they sleep, Samantha wakes up, she puts her ear next to Constantine’s chest. And she cries. She never says if she heard something or not. ]]> Sat, 18 May 2013 00:21:12 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/207577.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/207577.html
The spot of this supper, including the wild animals together with a victim will not be discussed. The story is only going to cover one aspect of an action, which is about to happen. It is crucial to mention, that the guests of this event eating the elk, the big brother of these wild forests, did not have any particular intentions to kill somebody. It wasn't an act of body desecration. Simply an act of instincts, the desire to gorge and overeat the others.

So it all began. The Fur of the elk was torn. It came out, that firstly some organs such as eye balls were chosen as the ones to fight for. Now it was time for flesh. The flesh of that animal came out to be still juicy and tasty. Not to mention the creamy skin pieces, nails and other remains of the elk. Lastly the Bloodstain was the only evidence of this natural action. The artist could call this bloodstain the inner expression of instincts, except that for most of human beings it would associate more with the spot of crime scene. The scene, which was arranged spontaneously and happened in 15 minutes without any particular reason on the lovely day, except it wasn't quite lovely. ]]> Sun, 28 Apr 2013 13:06:33 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/207065.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/207065.html Ten minutes to eight, she clicks the snooze button on her iPhone, covers her head with blankets and goes back to sleep. At exactly eight am, Feel This Moment by Pitbull song comes on, she clicks the dismiss button  and stays in bed. Five minutes later she finally gets out of bed.
And why did I agree to work five days a week. What was I thinking, I should just change my availability to evenings and go back to sleep.
  „Holly, where's my shoe!? „
She chases after her dog, who's already downstairs running towards the kitchen. Once she has both of her favorite red puffy slippers on, she goes back to making her bed before Holly comes back to the room. She locks herself in the bathroom for what looks like an hour. Once she's out, she goes downstairs into the kitchen placing Holly's food into her bowl.
  „Sit, no, stop Holly, sit, alright here“ she places the bowl down and walks out of the kitchen.
Turns on her computer and searches for a radio station. „This will do“
A song comes on, she starts singing along while plugging in her hairdryer. Why does blow drying hair have to take so long, I wish I could just walk out with my hair wet, but not in this weather. She takes a round brush and curls the ends so it wouldn't be pin straight. Her blond hair falls loosely on her back. She looks at the reflection of herself once more and walks out of the bathroom.
Jeans and black top will do today. I would love to wear heels just to look taller and more sophisticated in front of him but maybe my  black rain boots will be a wiser choice for this kind of weather. Oh crap, its already nine thirty, I'll be late, I knew that I should have picked out my outfit yesterday. Jacket, where's my jacket? She finds her jacket on one of the chairs, takes her Audi convertible keys and goes for the door..

    (to be continued) ]]> Thu, 25 Apr 2013 01:58:03 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206999.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206999.html
Saturday morning. Marylebone, London, 1961.

Michael was looking forward to this day all week. Before closing the door, he quickly put on his hat and went downstairs. It was pouring outside. As he was walking towards the bus station, he badly scuffed his black brogue to a cobblestone on the street. He couldn't stop thinking about it right until the moment he entered Savile Row...

Michael Keynes was well liked at his work place. Perhaps due to his father like figure, colleagues and people in his circle would seek personal advice from him. Michael was satisfied with his way of life even though he did not have a family himself which according to his mother defines a man. He was a creature of habit. He knew that being complacent is probably the worst realization one could make, let alone be happy about it. But he was. He liked picking up that overpriced Daily Mirror from a neighbour boy on his way to work. He enjoyed feeding those pigeons at the Trafalgar square on Sundays. He even loved observing the beggars near the underground stations. They were predictable, as was Michael.

Michael was a commercial paper clerk at Barings bank. Despite being average at his job, he had been gradually promoted to a manager, managing a Kingdom of chopped up wood with numbers on it as he liked to say. Michael was ordinary in all ways but one. Wearing a suit that fits you well is like having a natural extension of one self, one that tells you who you are and where you come from before you open your mouth. This pearl of wisdom was imparted by his late father who Michael held to a high regard. Visiting a tailor was not a chore, it was a privilege. Michael loved being a part of the ritual where pieces of cloth were crafted for him and no one else. It was personal. After all, without clothes, we are just animals, he pondered...

Henry, Michael's tailor, was just off Savile Row but it didn't stop him from advertising as being based in the famous street. The assistant opened the door for Michael.

- Morning, Mr. Keynes. Can I take your coat?
- Good Morning. Sorry, I have not met you before, you must be new.
- Yes Sir. Name's Albert.
- Good to meet you, Albert. Here you go - Michael handed over the coat and went ahead.

In the lounge, there was a man sitting with his legs crossed, smoking and reading a newspaper. He was holding a corner of the page with his right hand as if about to turn to read the international section. The man was dangling his left foot and his loafer was about to fall off. It was not his first time here. But all Michael could think about was whether he bought that newspaper from a boy in his neighbourhood... Michael turned to Albert.

- Tell me, Albert, how did you know it was me at the door?
- Henry told me, Sir, you'd be here 10: 15 sharp.
- Well-oiled machine you have here.
- Yes Sir. Tea or Coffee, Sir?
Michael smiled.
- Tea it is.
- Thank you, Albert.
Michael found it peculiar that the boy didn't take his hat as well so he put it on the table for Albert to see.
- Chilly out there? The man in the lounge asked as he was folding the newspaper.
- Reasonably.
- I am Winston Grimes, friend of Henry's.
- Michael Keynes, long-time customer. Nice to meet you, Mr. Grimes.
- Likewise.
After few seconds of silence, Grimes spoke
- These Ruskies... I do not understand them - he said exhaustingly pointing at a headline in the newspaper... - It is as if mutually assured destruction does not deter them.
- When you do not have anything else to lose... - Michael replied. He was distracted, looking around the room.
- What about their life? Their children's lives…
- You assume, Mr. Grimes, that life is the ultimate price to pay.
- I do not assume anything… What do you do for a living, Mr. Keynes?
- Michael, please.
- Splendid. What's your job, Michael?
- I shuffle papers at a bank, make sure things add up... And yours?
- I suppose, I make sure things add up as well. The only difference is, I can subtract too when they don't.

Michael was not sure what Grimes meant. He knew, however, Winston was not Henry's client. For one, the shirt was too small for such a well-built man – the buttons looked as if they were about to shoot out... Funnily enough, the suit jacket was too loose on the waist and the material... Well, it was not Henry's way... Probably the best suit one could afford on a civil servant's salary, Michael thought...

- Do you work in the government, Mr. Grimes?

<…> ]]> Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:10:39 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206969.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206969.html (Refrain)
Please help me I love you!
There was a moon high above you,
So I cry on and on,
That I couldn’t pass this Rubicon,
My rose in blue…

Asked my heart: “don‘t judge! ”
Why I let you close to me very much,
That eve, with word unspoken,
So I got my heart deep broken,
My rose in blue…

******
(Main song)
Do I deserve,
To play on my nerves?
So I’m askin’ why,
Lately that night,
I saw you passing  by…

Your thickened eyelashes,
Burned my heart to ashes,
So I’m askin’ why,
You glanced at me,
So I could hardly see…

Your brown loose bags*
Fantasy out of lack…
So I know why,
I passed you like stuck,
There was no my luck,
But my love…



*Moteriškos kelnės ]]> Wed, 17 Apr 2013 18:37:00 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206830.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206830.html I came from the town

Which was on the hill

There people were friendly

And happy untill

One day the soldiers

Came in our town

They asked nothing

Just burned our home


There're left mothers and children

Crying for their loved ones

There's a desire of revenge

In our bleeding souls


We must be merciless

Shed their blood for our lives

Cause in this world

There's no place for a light


So i take my sword

To cut down their heads

And i'll fight till the death

For the ones that i loved

Untill now i'm not a woman

I'm not a girl anymore

I am revengeful warrior

And i will fight as i swore

]]> Thu, 11 Apr 2013 21:40:31 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206637.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206637.html
Introduction

There are so many books about LOVE, how to get it, how to keep it, how to be happy in a relationship, how to make it last…but everyone is silent when it comes to separating, splitting up, falling apart, losing your other half.
I guess that it is one of the life’s moments, when the rest of it doesn’t matter, and what you are concentrated on, is that you are now on your own and that it hurts SO MUCH. You need help, you need to be guided through, you need a little bit of work to help you stand up again and look up.

We all have been there. We knew how hard it was to stand up still and be ready to open brand new page, leaving the past where it belongs to be. When you are over this nightmare, you forget how it feels to be broken, others also forget, and that’s reasonable, and that’s why hearing from them “IT WILL ALL BE OK” – feels so false.

Consciously you do know that, but somehow you want to grieve for as long as possible. Then you start to avoid people who are looking at you and it seems to you that they think: “are you still not over it? ”

When all the wounds are healed, you tend to forget how dangerously hurtful the end of relationship can be. And I dare to say that it is DEFINITELY dangerous, as there are so many people, who think about ending their life. There are people, who can’t imagine life without their other half. It is dangerous for our society - you have to recognize who needs help. You must be there to help them. You need to be helped too, if you are the one, whose heart is broken now. So when the pain is gone, you can’t really understand other people - that’s why friends of yours, family members sometimes are incapable to be the ones who could inspire you too, to move on and understand that relationship is over, but not the life!

I wasn’t aware of that, until unexpectedly my lovelife had reached the end. I knew deep down that someday that pain would be over. But at the very present moment I couldn’t cope. I knew that if I would let myself feel that bad I can reach the edge, I would be obsessed about my ex, I wouldn’t be able to move on, I would lose myself, lose my dignity, self-respect, passion for life and all other values of LIFE and what is worse I could get depressed and we all know well where it could lead me.

I knew for long that as we are all different – we need different treatments to get over with it, but if you will look closer, there is a CURE that can help us all out! At last!

When it comes to splitting up, losing someone, deciding to turn in separate ways, sometimes it’s even not possible to be together because of religion/ title/ family – you name it. We all know how damn difficult it is to FORGET them, but it’s achievable and let me tell you, when you know all the rules you will realize that it is quite easy too!

So breathe in, breathe out and carry on reading!

I. Make sure it’s a right decision, before you leave.

“One of the hardest decisions you will ever face in life, is choosing whether to try harder or walk away. ”
~ Anonymous ~

I think this part belongs exactly here, because at this point, just before you start forgetting them, you must know if you need to walk away or try harder. The sad part about it is that you never know what’s better. It’s impossible to have the answer written/ given/ put responsibility of this decision-making on someone else. It’s you, who has to decide which route to take. And if you already decided FOR SURE that you are walking away, then please, skip this part and carry on reading.
If you are reading this further it means, that you have to know for sure NOW that you have done everything to save this relationship; and that you won’t regret in the future the things that maybe you haven’t done. That you won’t be bewildered after someone will pop out the question: “Have you done this? / Have you tried that? / How do you know that it is not your fault; etc. ”
Trust me, it’s not self-humiliation, it’s making sure that you are making the right decision, it’s trusting your guts, your heart. There is only one way to do everything, completely or not at all. You can’t be driven to extremities. One day wanting to be with the person and the other day deciding not to, then again same thing. Don’t be in a vicious circle. It’s not fair neither towards them, or you.
Sometimes, before you go, you have to be sure that you have done everything to save this relationship. Mind you – it’s much easier later. You might know this kind of scenario – relationship ends up, you grieve/ you feel anger/ disappointment/ you feel positive about your decision and them kaboom! – you start missing them and you start thinking – “what if I have tried harder; what if I made mistake; maybe I rushed; maybe I could have changed or maybe I could have changed him/her? ” – you might ask yourself. And then you will remember about all those times you had a fight and at this point, right now, you might be blaming yourself, thinking: “what if I wasn’t that jealous/ demanding/ cold/ ruthless/.. -you name it.. you know exactly what I mean.
It’s not easy to make this kind of decision and then to be sure that it was right, that’s why it’s important to think through, to sleep on it.

In a relationship, when you have a problem, you solve it and then you move forward. If you often have a row about the same thing – you are at the same place, you, as a couple, learn nothing.
What you feel only matters to you, it’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. That’s the only thing that counts. I guess somehow, deep down, you will feel the urge to fight for the person, to try one more time and I want to tell you - you can’t lose if you won’t stop fighting. How to do that? Well that’s not that kind of manual, but the good thing is that there is so many help out there. I’m sure you will be fine to learn how not to give up and work on a long lasting sparkle.
And this is all for you, to know, that you really have done everything, and as you did, you can breathe out a bit easier and then you can move on to another step, with your feet stable.

II. If it is clear that it all has to be finished - don’t be the one who will be starting it all up again.
You might be thinking it’s over. It might be over because of your fault, it might be the end because of them, but don’t be the one trying to start it all again. You split up for a reason. Just because you miss them or you miss certain moments of being with them, it doesn’t mean it can work. If there are any moments of “what if’s”, go and read previous section.
What I want to make you understand here, is that, when you have a fight, and then, just for to make it up to them, you try to be all nice, and then when all the flames and smoke is gone, you start being your odd self, not the one that they want you to be. They want you to be a fighter, the one that you can be when there is a row, but the difference is – they want a fighter, but without the row. They want romance, surprises, love and all the nice things that they deserve – WHEN EVERYTHING IS OK, not when it is falling apart. Let them go! They deserve to be happy. And same for you – you have every right to be happy!
I knew a couple and I’m sure there are more like them. While they used to be together (until a fight) he would never spoil her, he would listen to what she wants and after each time she said she had enough he would come to her begging for apology, with bunch of flowers and the nicest words. She would forgive him, but they would be standing in the same place. It was vicious circle. He should have brought flowers and treat her and spoil her when everything was ok between them.
So, when you decide to turn in separate ways, don’t be the one bringing flowers saying: “I love you” and promising to change. If you have already promised many times before and you broke that promise, why on earth, this time, should be any different? It’s obvious - you both tried too many times and, at this point, you have to let them go. You have to move forward and you have to be the one to let them go on with their life.
It might be totally different scenario. It’s not often that both parts decide to end relationship in really easy friendly way. No no, it’s usually not that simple. You might know that it’s all over and maybe you have some small doubts and they make it harder texting you, calling, when you know they miss you, when they ask you: “are you sure? ” Don’t start it all over again just because you pity them, just because you are not sure. You know far too well how everything is going to be, so put that box (where your pink glasses are) away and let your ex know that they must forget you, be strong for them, and be strong for yourself.

III. You can’t be friends
I’ve been there, I was fooled by this one, use my experience and don’t even think about it. I’ll tell you what – after serious relationship you CAN REMAIN FRIENDS if you NEVER cared about the person. It’s simple as that. How can you imagine you could be friends after being so long with the person that you cared about? You both were used to hold your hands while talking, you used to cuddle, kiss, flirt and do what couples do. How you think it might be possible for you to speak to the person and not wish to be hugged, kissed? Friends don’t share the romance and that is exactly what you have used to do with your partner. It’s too much of a difference. It’s black and white; and you can’t handle black at the moment.
It’s so easy to say to yourself that you are different, well that’s true – we are all different, and there is no same scenario for a relationship, but this one applies to most of us. It involves feelings. You can’t just tune in and say to yourself – romance is all over and now I’ll look at them as they are my friend (with no intentions to share that romance). NOT POSSIBLE!
OK, let’s use our imagination - you remain as friends, they come to you all glowing and say that they have found new partner! Could you sincerely support them? Could you even handle this information? I don’t think so. After break up you have to try to avoid seeing them as much as possible and for as long as possible.
You might be friends – one day! After all the love to them is gone, after all the anger and other feelings are gone, when you don’t have any romantic intentions; but not sooner. That’s the truth that has been tested by someone who had been fooled.

IV. DON’T go into new relationship! You cannot face another rejection.
You might have heard before what I’m going to tell you. It is said that the easiest way to forget someone is to be in other person’s hands, to find someone else’s company. That might help you; that might, if your relationship hadn’t been serious. And the difference between these two is that if you came off the loving, passionate friendship you must live with yourself for a while, you shouldn’t throw yourself into new relationship. And that is why:
•    They won’t have anything of what your ex had. It might be painful truth; you might start comparing your new partner with your ex. It’s not fair towards anyone. You’ll make it harder for yourself to forget them if you will find out that your new partner is not that pretty, nice, generous, elegant, warm, friendly, feminine/masculine etc. You’ll start missing your other half and you might find yourself at section two.
•    Sometimes people after divorce/split up start looking at their phone book or they start remembering everyone they could hang out. You text them/call them/ you go to see them – you are at the emotional wreck and what might happen – they can reject you, and that’s really painful, you might lose more of your confidence/dignity/self-respect; don’t allow that to happen. There are chances so don’t be the one looking for a shelter in a wrong place.
•    It’s not fair towards your new partner if you’ll be with them. You know how it is after you split up – you say you won’t love anyone again, women are the same/ men are the same. It’s not fair because you won’t appreciate them in a way that they deserve. It’s not possible and no one is judging you, but what you shouldn’t do – don’t go looking for someone who will help you forget you past.
•    If you came off relationship really badly – you’ll be heartbroken, you’ll be very fragile, weak and you’ll be easy bait for someone to use you. Don’t let that happen. They can say all the words you want them to and then they will use you and leave you hanging even more broken. Sounds rough – but that’s all truth.
•    And the last but not the least important is – after relationship you tend to be less of a real you. It’s natural – you change, you adapt, you get used to be more like them. Before you start any new relationship you have to know who you really are. Imagine this scenario – someone falls in love with you and then after some time (i. e. when you become all strong again) they realize you are not the person that they once knew. And it’s not fair towards anyone!
Who you should be surrounded with, is the company of your closest people: family, friends, colleagues – you do know better who they are, don’t you? Don’t be on your own.

V. Grieve for one day. Cry your eyes out and next day open them with newly sober point of view.
At this very moment, when you realize that everything between you and your partner is over, you can’t stop but feel this enormous pain in your heart, you can’t repress your tears. And don’t. What you really really need is to grieve. You have lost your other half, you’ll never be with them. This thought is heartbreaking, this feeling is devastating and trust me, it’s better now to let your pain go. Don’t keep it locked in yourself – you will make matters worse. Let it go, let all your bad feelings go. Cry, shout, do whatever it takes, be sad, miss them. You are allowed…today!
You have to know that you must do that today, so it won’t erupt in the future. And that when you lose someone, it’s totally understandable for you to feel helpless. That is fine, you are allowed to feel bad about it. But note that it is just for today! Make sure you won’t keep a bit for later.
Then next day you have to face the world with newly sober eyes. Life goes on. It’s just a bad period not a bad life. At the end of the day, you know well, it will make you stronger. After you shut your past doors and open future’s one’s life will thank you that you are moving on, you will see how many good things are waiting for you.
The next day you will need to learn, you will have to adapt this ability to push bad thoughts away. You are in such emotional wreck – one moment you can laugh about something, then this picture of you being with your partner occurs in your mind and then you can feel how anger, sadness is building up. Imagine if you would let yourself feel like that ALL THE TIME? Do you know the answer? I have one indeed. You would get used to feel miserable and you could cause yourself depression. That’s what you should avoid, that’s why it is so essential for you to work with yourself.
You see these girls, women, men losing their passion for life, you see how they concentrate on being sad. It is so dangerous; depression is a disease that takes people’s lives away. Please do yourself a favor and from now on concentrate on different topic. Every time thought about your ex will come along – push it away. Don’t let yourself fall apart. You have had a grief day, remember? That’s why I let you be as sad as you wanted, but today is brand new day – you have to move on. Each time you feel a lump in your throat – repeat to yourself that you will be fine! Smile! Breathe out deeply, imagine how all bad feelings are leaving you with that breath.
VI. Start doing something active: Learn something/ become greater version of yourself
I can tell you and there is no logical argument to give me to deny my observation. So here it is: if you think a lot/often/all the time about your lost other half, it means that you have too much free time. That’s just simple as that. If your life would be over at this point, trust me, you wouldn’t forgive yourself. So here is what you should do:
•    Every time a thought comes along – push it away (we already agreed about that, haven’t we?)
•    Do activities – let’s say you always dreamt to do some sports/to start swimming/singing/dancing/painting – you name it. Fulfill your free time with beneficial activities.
The next step you have to make is to engage yourself in some activities. The worst you can do here is to sit around doing nothing, eating, watching movies, just being coach-potato – that will only make you feel more miserable, sad, angry, depressed, unvalued, unloved, not worthy.  But I know you are not. Sign up for salsa dances, go to sport club, start doing Pilates or aerobics – well anything that suits you, but it definitively has to be something active. And I’ll tell you why. You might have heard that sport brings happiness. The exercise-make-us-happier theory is official and scientifically approved. “It comes down to heightened production of chemicals in the brain that help to keep you happy, such as serotonin, dopamine and phenyl ethylamine. Not only this, but exercise releases growth hormones that increase the supply of blood and oxygen to the brain, stimulating the release of powerful mood-enhancing endorphins. These chemical messengers can create euphoria and pain relief that is stronger than that produced by morphine. ”  And let me tell you more; you will not only feel happier, but you’ll be more in shape and healthier and that will boost your confidence. Alongside, your eating habits will improve, you’ll protect yourself from alcoholism (which quite often occurs after you separate, when you want to sink your sadness in a glass of alcohol).
The worst that you can do to yourself at this point is to get love movies, stay at home and do nothing. If you want to watch a movie - do yourself a favor and let it be a comedy, otherwise you will make things worse. You’ll see love scenes – kissing, hugging and what you will be thinking about is how you never ever going to do that with your ex-partner. And that’s not what you want – am I right? You wouldn’t be reading this manual if you didn’t want to feel better after quitting this relationship. When you spend your time uselessly you start feeling like you are not worth to live, you might start to hate your life and think that it is meaningless and what’s more – you, again, are putting yourself in a high risk to get depression. And here, especially after relationship wreck, you must throw yourself into busyness. Have plans, read news, be interested in what is going on in the world, read books, learn new language, start studying – do whatever you think will help you to improve yourself, to become greater version of yourself, to be more sophisticated.
Another advice from me for you is to spoil yourself a bit. Massages, new haircut, nice tan, whiter teeth, new clothing. Have a nice make up, do a haircut, put some jewelry, wear nice clothes – you have to see yourself as beautiful as poss ]]> Wed, 3 Apr 2013 22:00:12 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206373.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/206373.html
Leopold was alone in the chamber, listening to the crispy sound of a cigarette burning. A draft made the smoke swirl towards the door and as he was reaching for an ashtray, his tight worn off tweed jacket squeezed the remaining smoke out of his lungs. He knew there was a leak. But paranoia such as this benefits no one - I'd better keep it to myself, he thought.

Just as he was standing up to leave, the door opened suddenly and a familiar figure emerged:
- I tell you, Leo, you will burn down the whole house one day - Winston Grimes always greeted his friends with clichés that annoyed them. Leopold loved to respond in kind.
- I can smell the smoke, but I see no fire. Do you, Grimes?
- No and it's our job to keep it that way. Let’s go.
Grimes was not a talkative person, especially when he knew Leopold was playing charades. Winston was seven years older than Leopold but has been subordinate to him ever since the Belgrade fiasco.

As they were making their way through the corridor, Leopold's calf leather Oxford shoes were loudly tapping the wooden floor. Winston smiled at Leopold's vain attempt to exert dominance. He opened the door and let Leopold in first.
A tall man turned around from the window:
- Ah! Mr Sheppard, good to see you again.
- You can call him Leo, - Grimes replied - just look at that hair.
- Ha! Always the cheeky one, Winnie!
Short but sturdy man quickly walked out of the Operations Room
- Enough with the fucking pleasantries, can we start? That harsh Scottish accent silenced everyone for a second.
- Did not know you Americans had that word, - Leopold remarked, completely ignoring the Scotsman.
- What? Cheeky? It's still English, is it not?
Leopold shrugged as he was lighting up a cigarette.
- Barely...

The American was Joseph Francis Ziegler, a lean chain smoking 37 year old. He and Leopold met in Budapest six years ago. It is the second time they see each other and Leopold was slightly put off by Joseph's enthusiastic greet... Grimes, on the other hand, knew Joseph very well. Both of them were lead recruiters back in Belgrade.

- Joe, this is Edward Murray from Glasgow - Winston introduced the Scot and continued:
- He has been working with the Swedes for quite a while now and has established reliable contacts with the freedom fighters in Poland and the Baltics. Now he's here to help us out with the Professor.
- How exactly? - Joseph inquired.
Murray cleared his throat:
- My colleague in the embassy was approached by a Swedish woman who claimed that her German husband has information and is willing to share it provided a safe passage to the US, some cash... well, the usual... - Edward looked at Leopold who gave him a nod to continue
- In return, he was willing to give information about a network of sleeper agents on US soil.
Ziegler was scribbling something down in his leather bounded notebook... Finally, he put down the pen and spoke:
- How do we confirm his intelligence is pure and not mixed with bits of lies?
- He gave us just a taste, there is no way we can draw any solid conclusions from that, we need to bring him in - Grimes replied.
- As if that would do any good - Murray's response made everyone in the room uncomfortable.
- I take it, Leo, that Mr Murray shares your view? Ziegler asked.
- And what view would that be? Leopold replied noticing Winston's frustrated blow of smoke.
- Everyone over the pond knows you have been shaking the tree hoping for a bad apple to fall out. I think at this point it is worth taking the risk.

<... > ]]> Sat, 23 Feb 2013 16:58:51 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/205276.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/205276.html
And wants to know.

This message blows

Like winds, they blow

And leave the place.

No chance to feel,

Like joy and grace

I don‘t reveal.

Nobody knows,

Nobody says.

I fire bows,

I fire rays,

But message blows

And leaves the place.

Nobody knows

Through time and space,

We have to cope,

We have to hide.

Because the rope

Is strongly tied.

The process grows,

However slow –

Nobody knows

And wants to know. ]]> Tue, 19 Feb 2013 17:46:04 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/205173.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/205173.html
He was huge. His head reached the clouds. He moved in slow, as if in slow motion, steps. His eyes were empty. Completely. Just two perfectly white, giant eyeballs. He was blind. However, he did not need the vision. He did not have to evade any obstacle in his path. In his hand he had a colossal weapon. And was firing the colossal bullets. Bullets flew in all directions, destroying everything around. Striding, he trampled everything that befell under his gigantic sole.

I stood right in front of him and watched him approaching. The giant bullets flew around me, but I did not move. I stopped blinking or breathing. I felt no fear. I felt nothing. I just watched him, my head tossed. And he kept approaching. With each step he seemed bigger and bigger.

His bullets flew past me, choosing to whom is the time to go. But I was not the only one standing petrified. Everything around me rooted. People remained in their last motion. Cars stopped running. The wind stopped blowing. Trees stopped murmuring. Clouds stopped floating. Life lost its color.

Light was slowly blending with the darkness. Darkness blended with the light.

And only one creature was moving at this last moment of the reckoning. Only he walked. Slowly. He walked so slowly that it seemed if it would last for all eternity. But it lasted only for an instant.

When he was so close to me and when the moment was supposed to end, the last bullet flew out of his weapon. The bullet with my name on it.

The moment was gone and the absolute darkness and silence stood, the part of which now became and I. Everything I grasped and comprehended so far, ceased to exist. ]]> Tue, 29 Jan 2013 14:58:23 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204597.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204597.html
Just stay and stare –

There‘s nothing there.


With hands half full, half empty head

It‘s hard to walk

And be ahead.


To comprehend and start to act

Must take two steps.

I've taken one.


And then I‘m lost in every way

Because tomorrow is today

And I forgot what promise is,

So now I‘m hiding, if you please. ]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 23:11:04 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204555.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204555.html the world‘s becoming prison,
and those who think it‘s funny,
are living without reason.

The system never sleeps,
producing gossips, bullshit, nonsense,
slave mind is kept diseased,
fools think that they have voices.

Entrapped in bureaucracy,
the banks have unlimited control,
and if you think that it‘s democracy,
you have already lost your soul.

Do not expect that god will save you,
this truth you must admit,
cause when he saw this earthly chaos,
he simply said... fuck it. ]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 13:48:08 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204537.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204537.html - Do you want my last start? – I ask.
He looks at me with haze in his eyes. He smiles and shakes his head:
- No, I don`t want no starts. I`ve lost them all and I cannot be bothered to start again. I`m happy here. I have my best two friends beside me, I could never ask for more. And new starts just complicate things...
He kept on talking and I noticed that I`ve just missed my final starting shot. I could see the backs of all these people, their sweat, the muscles of their legs, their bold heads and fit bodies. I suddenly looked at myself and I thought that I`ve already started to melt. I couldn`t move my feet, it felt like I was chained to the ground. I panicked, I couldn`t think anymore. Adrenaline kicked in eventually and I started to run. I`ve lost my breath. I didn`t know where I was running, I just follwed all those fit bodies which looked like they knew where they were going. And obviously, I failed in this start too. I never really wanted it. Maybe I took it like all other things I take but which I don`t really need. What do I need then? Maybe I`d be happy living like that hoho man – not having anything, then there`s nothing to lose, probably nothing to gain either. Or maybe there`s always something to gain when you have nothing  because life is full of gifts, maybe it is a gift itself.
The winners were bathing in champagne, surrounded by all those half-naked girls with their long legs, blong hair and fake lips. They smiled at me – what else were they suppose to do? I knelt down, put my forehead on cold wet concrete and started to weep, I was shiverring, the feeling od dissapointment was floating from my head to toes, reaching the most deserted corners of my soul, my lonely and so failed universe. I was selfishly weeping in front of all those crowds of people whose eyes were full of excitement to see the winners. I didn`t realise how someone threw a bottle at me, I didn`t remember  how I had been touched by so many dirty hands, rough hands, hands that I hated, hands which I didn`t want to touch my body, hands which meant nothing to me. I didn`t realise how the night had ended and I had woken up to the dawn. I have never seen a more beutiful thing in my whole life (maybe just your eyes). The Sun was slowly waking, making His way through the darkness and piles of clouds. I sat there completely stunned, with blood slowly drying on my face, sat there with my dirty hands. I was sitting there naked as a baby. It was just me and the Sun. Our loneliness met. I had nowhere to escape to and I had nowhere to run. I had nothing to stop that from happening. And hey, I`ve just lost my last start. I was supposed to be spiritually or at least physically dead and not have that moving meeting with the Sun. He had no shame, He got straight into all the lost and forgotten places of my soul, my blood stopped, the dirt disapeared. I thought I could see the eyes of the Sun with that beautiful banana - like smile. I was not able to move anymore. There was not much point in moving anyway. I hated the Sun almost as much as I loved Him. I hated Him because he had washed away the dirt which used to help me to hide my face and the inpurity of my soul. I hated the Sun because He came and completely destroyed everything who I was before or everything who I ever wanted to be, turned my ways and paths upside down and He was still there, within me, shining so bright that I could hardly breathe. ]]> Sat, 26 Jan 2013 22:33:44 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204523.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204523.html with his son in front
between his weak arms:
just to make him feel safe,
to be guided
or to express him love?

With my skinny thoughts
on the bottom of my mind,
leaving empty chambers where
at least one idea could grow
out of its
presence.

On my cold hands,
repelling everything apart but
loneliness.

There is grace, and it would
tell me more than I might have
forgotten.

I’m coming home,
this is the only painful reason to define
nostalgia.

Today I’ve been an onlooker
in a country, where seatbelts is
a must.
Watching fading stars,
reaching up the sky
instead of falling down.
With a modest smile.

When I see this temporary light of spirit,
I can’t help myself but startle:
look how these places shine
just to enhance their belief in eternity,
which is selfish staying the last alive
and overwhelming the pain even.
Then death.

Nonetheless,
my place is nowhere else but here.
To stand still and smile the same,
but smile in another manner
that could wrap their pain and would wrap mine
in an everlasting light of infinity and
coldness.

I burst in tears when I saw the only place
where love could live:
it was her mother who let her feel
the light softness of her hands
making her special for who she was
rather for who she could ever be.

I burst in tears when this severe wind
squeezed the last dry moment out of me.

This didn’t need a poem,
this didn’t need an accidental glance after all,
but what the city was to be
with no outspoken words,
losing their main letters instantly
in this illusory world of nothingness,
however fullness?

I never felt so alive when I dissolved in the soul I once betrayed. ]]> Tue, 22 Jan 2013 00:19:13 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204399.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204399.html A hedonistic approach to what is called reality, –
I owe you more than my poignant memory, Anthony;
Mutualised reality equal to every man inside closing doors from behind.
Feeling joy after every inch of thorn
inhale.

exhale:
Take thy love and come out to show Ilyna, –
My minimalistic angel.
Neutralise your reality
Sterilise abilities painted on the
Walls of your thoughts,

prohibit mad vision
illness
possibly considerable

Estimate your loving memory, –
Destroying every piece outside her lungs;
Putting on an effort of responsibility to breathe in manipulation.
Our relation to angels?

deeply
as if

Every particle your mind faces:
Provoke the illusion of art and destroy
All the possible magnitudes of truth.
Hide inside and roll-it-up, straight on the ground-floor of your flat?

Close the doors and begin the trap of slight perception, –

]]> Wed, 9 Jan 2013 01:25:37 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204030.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/204030.html I was a little girl with the big dream. While my peers used to fantasize about becoming a policeman or a doctor, I was visualising myself standing on the stage, my high heels on, the guitar inlayed with glittering diamonds in my hands. I would sing and play my instrument to the revelling crowd making their hips move and their souls give up to the music. That night only the crowd, the stage and the show would exist. In reality, though, I was standing in my meagre sitting room with the peeled off peach wallpaper. I was holding in my hands the aged guitar with scrapes in the place of diamonds. I was with the high heels on, that’s true, though my feet were sunken in mum’s scarlet shoes that were too large for the little girl, and I couldn’t move. I was performing to the best fans in the whole world sitting on the ottoman opposite me. My mum, her face lit up with ebullience, was surrounded by the rag dolls and plush toys and she was the utmost fan of them all.
My mother saw the huge potential in the twelve year old girl so she took me to the music school and she had to sell her wedding ring to pay for my classes. Mum didn’t grieve though.
“Don’t worry, ” she said to me. “It’s not a big deal. The only precious thing your father has left to me is you. ”
So my mum sold her wedding ring at first. Later on she had to sell the splendid pocket watch, the eighteenth birthday gift from her parents. Unfortunately, this wasn’t enough. When the bills and the payment for my classes had eaten all the money, mum found the second job. While she was struggling with the two jobs, I submerged myself into the world of notes and sounds, descants and melodies, school show rehearsals and hits on the radio.
“Here you are, my little pop star, ” mum smiled at me spraying the sweet aroma of lavenders on my neck. “Put on a great show tonight. ”
“I will, ” I said.
She did my hair and make-up, and gave me her heels. They fitted well. I was fourteen then. I was standing on the stage this time; a little cosy stage of my school. I was holding the same battered guitar which once had belonged to my mother and this time there were neither dolls nor toys in my audience but real people. And my mum was there, sitting in the front row like once on the ottoman in our sitting room. I sang and played the old guitar and my mum was still my biggest fan.
On my eighteenth birthday mum returned home from work and took me to the beach without saying anything. The ebony weaves of the restless sea were dancing around us and the starry sky was the spotlight, dunes - the decorations. She was holding in her hands a heavy case bandaged with a crimson ribbon and my heart jumped as I realised what it was.
„Happy birthday, my pop princess, “ mum said handing me the case. „The old one was worn out so I bought you a new one. “
Having untied the ribbon with my trembling hands and opened the case, I sighed and the tears of joy flowed down my cheeks. I touched the sleek surface of a brand-new guitar. It wasn’t inlayed with diamonds but it was priceless nonetheless and its shiny wood was glossing in the starlight.
„Oh, mum. Thank you so much, “ I said hugging and kissing her. „I can’t tell you how happy I am. “
„That‘s not all, “ mum smiled in a wicked way and pulled a gorgeous dancing dress out of her bag. „I want you to succeed where I couldn’t. I want you to be happy. That’s why I have bought you this. “
Mum’s hand disappeared in the pocket of her jacket and emerged again. She was holding a rectangular piece of paper in her hand and it took my breath away when I saw what was written on it. ‘New York City’ it said and those three words were like music to me.
„It‘s a one way ticket, ” mum said. “There is nothing for you here. Your talent, your personality is too big for a small town like this. Take this opportunity. Go to New York City. Seek your dream and never give up. “
“Oh, God. I’m so happy I guess I’m going to faint, ” I laughed and I had never been so excited in my life before. But my euphoria was interrupted by perception.
„Mum, you’ve spent so much money on all of this. You can’t spend so much on me. ”
“I was saving money for quite some time. ”
“But our bills…”
“Ssh, ” she put her fingers on my lips. “There are more important things than that. You are. Take this opportunity. Don’t lose it. Take your guitar, put your dress on and go to New York City. And fight for your dream. ”
For the remainder of the night we were sitting on the sandy beach under the starry sky, dunes shielding us from the wind, and my mum did what she hadn‘t done for years. She sang in a high gentle voice and I accompanied her with the new guitar and the distant tempest in the sea was her backing vocalist. She was happy and all the strain and worries were washed away from her face that night. When we got tired we lied on the sand and looked at the Milky Way sprawling in the unclouded sky. The stars were looking at me; they were there every night and they could be seen by everybody from all places of the world. When the stars died, their blaze would still linger on for ages. I gazed at them and I knew that I didn‘t want to be a lightening, I wanted to be a star.
So I put on the dancing dress, dyed my hair turquoise and boarded the bus to New York City. I was sitting in the back my precious case beside me and Freddie was singing “Princes of the Universe” in my headphones. I came to New York, the city of endless opportunities, but the fulfilment of my dream was still far away. With nothing but the empty pockets I desperately needed work and I got a job as a waitress in a fast food restaurant. At days I was serving burgers, at nights thrumming my guitar at the basement with my new fellows. I barely slept at all, but you know, nothing comes easily; recognition isn’t served like a glass of champagne at the ball. You have to ferment it yourself.
It wasn’t long when the terrible news arrived. My mum had died. I was devastated. As I was told she had been severely ill for quite some time. She hadn’t told me anything. The gruelling work in two jobs had drained her life force. Mum could have quitted one job and had more rest but instead she had worked hard and she had bought me a guitar, a dancing dress and the ticket to my future.
I felt like drowning in muddy water. And in such a situation there could be only two paths – to reach the bottom or to summon up all the strength and to emerge to the surface. I couldn‘t sink; after all I have been a fighter all my life. I plunged myself into the music and transformed my grief to creative force, writing songs, composing tunes, singing whenever I could. Music was my lifeboat and Freddie was my lifeguard.  He was like fluoxetine to me constantly making the dark days brighter. And he kept me going. You know, fame is like a beacon fire. When one beacon is lit atop the hill its fire can be seen at the great distance, and then the other beacon is lit and after it yet another. Freddie was my beacon and he lit me. I never stopped; I kept going, serving in the diner at daytime; singing in the clubs of New York at the night-time. My hard work paid off eventually as the day came when I met my producer, I recorded my first album and released my first single.
And now I’m standing in the spotlight in front of you. Not in front of the rag dolls and toys, not in a sitting room or a school hall, not even in the prestigious night club of the New York City but in the stadium in front of thousands of my devoted fans. I see your blissful faces and I’m holding the guitar, the very same guitar I have been given by my mother on the beach. It’s not inlayed with diamonds but for me it’s far more precious than the rocks. I wouldn’t be here without my mum. You believed in me and encouraged me and I know that you are there in the stars watching me and your light lingers on and I see it every day of my life. You know, sometimes the smallest person can have the biggest heart and the tiny acts of love can shape the life of others completely.
She’s been my beacon. Freddie’s been my beacon. They’ve been shining in the distance all the time. They’ve lit me and kept me on fire. And I wish I could be this little spark that ignites someone’s desire to work for their own dream. But enough of talking for now. I’m going to sing you a song. And it’s called ‘Fame’. ]]> Fri, 14 Dec 2012 01:28:01 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/203371.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/203371.html all that was and wasn't
my red lips
our first touch
eye collision
when he laughed at me that
one and
other million times

he imagined
about me
i dreamed about him
a lot
i wanted to run and watch
straight to his face
slightly touch his cheek
and

he is not used to smile
but i remember that one time
there is a lot of people
he is talkin to them
he turned his face into my side
and i saw it
little smile

i remember all the things which were
and weren't
i remember him
those words are too big

and you don't know what is real
and what is not
it seems so inaccessible
but it is

and he always stops on the
most interesting part
and disappear

he is my mystery
i'm the woman
standing naked in the
fog ]]> Fri, 7 Dec 2012 16:50:55 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/203188.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/203188.html Not allowed not to be awaken.
Felt like being stored
In some kind of civil war.

I've always felt to be the one,
Who has to stand in between the door
One of those who were suggested
To be opened, when the right one attended. ]]> Sun, 25 Nov 2012 00:57:31 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/202760.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/202760.html It hurts.
But something else comes to my mind.
Remembering, that somebody out there
Will be yours once.
Forever.
They will share your secrets;
your past.
They will make you happy about
the presence.
And you wont have to worry
a single tiny bit
about the future.
Because with that one person,
you will be able to fly away,
away,
far far away.
And you won't even realise how much time has gone by. ]]> Sat, 24 Nov 2012 19:17:10 +0200 http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/202755.html http://rasyk.lt/kuriniai/202755.html