my journey journal

My Own Beautiful

2019-03-25T11:08:00.000-04:00

My friend Wendy shared this image on Facebook this morning.

Oh.... how I dream this is who I am or will become. With everything that is wrong with me, I yearn for something to be uniquely valuable as a result.

#hopeinthestorm #fitzgerald#beyourownbeautiful #mondaymotivation

Emotional Incense

2019-03-15T15:24:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning my kitchen this afternoon. After moving from oven to counter to sink and back, I realized something was not like it was supposed to be!

Between cleaning tasks, I had lit a stick of incense to spruce up the smell of the space. But, as I watched the bright orange color of a quickening disappearing stick, I realized the mistake I made in haste.

I lit the wrong end of the stick.

As I attempted to quickly prevent another unexpected incident, it came to mind.

Living with a trauma-impacted brain is not too different than living each day being lit from the wrong end. I start each day with the same length, firepower, and explosive potential as anyone else. However, because my brain reroutes and burns differently, I often find myself burnt out in the middle of the afternoon - all used up, emotionally, physically and relationally.

So, maybe tomorrow I'll try to position myself to stand a little taller, as not to extinguish quite so soon.

Rayne

Copyright ©Rayne 2019 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal© contents are the property of Rayne (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.

The Yellow Space

2017-06-10T16:46:00.001-04:00

Wow! Life in limbo is right....

...it has been almost a year, to the day, since I have been able to post here. I am writing in My Journey Journal today to share with you advice that couldn't have been more timely and give me more life-impact:

I belong to a Facebook group called Healing from Sexual Abuse. This is a very safe tribe and the group is carefully guided by Coach Rachel Grant. Yesterday, with as much humbleness as it takes to copy my post onto my blog, I submitted a comment much like this:

I recently (gradually) stopped taking my anti-depressant medications. Since stopping them, I feel less "cloudy", I've been able to take some self control over my diet/weight that I haven't been able to do for years, I actually have opinions about things and am able to observe things that go on around me.

However!! I'm having a hard time at work. I think I'm being personable and a "team-player" when I talk (in passing-by convos or team meetings). But, I know that I'm just sharing too much information -- not anything that is inappropriate, just life-stuff, thinking I am being personable and a "team-player" --- which in learning isn't professional.

Honestly, I don't know if things are the same as they've always been and I'm just now aware of it. Or, if I'm really not able to control what I talk about and my emotions w/o the help of the meds. I really don't want to be on them!

I'm posting because I'm wondering if anyone else has the same experience when you stop taking antidepressants?

Did you notice how much I "over-shared" in my post??? I could've just asked the last question and be done with it, right??? Urgh... but, in her graciousness, Rachel replied to my over-indulged question with understanding, advice, suggestions and a link to THIS video about trust-issues.

Well, after the first couple minutes of watching the video, I thought, "I wanted someone to tell me that not taking medication meant "nothing is wrong with me" and there is a simple solution for communicating with co-workers, friends and family." But, I continued to listen and turned down Food Network (my Saturday ritual) and began taking in Rachel's 4-K's to trust...

...then, I started crying!!!

When the video reached minute 8:34, I began visualizing this "social circle" Rachel was talking about. Then, I suddenly remembered a canvas and paint I had bought (probably about the same time I stopped writing here). I haven't written. I haven't painted for so long... life in limbo!! But, I unwrapped the canvas, unpacked the acrylics and began painting as Rachel and Melanie discussed how trust impacts my ability to communicate and develop safe and trustworthy relationships.

If you've followed my journey, I'm sure you know that I am a very black-and-white person. Now, thanks to this video, I can now recognize that even see how my relationships, trust and communication are all impacted by me either allowing someone into my inner-circle of trust or keeping them at arms length. At the age of 44, I was learning that I need to be comfortable that there are gray areas... that there NEED to be and that they need to be filled in for healthy community.

I was learning about practicing trust... with acrylics. Dots represented people. Things got messy. But, I urn to learn that creating circles areas doesn't mean I am being distant or mean or inconsiderate!! Understanding that everyone being held with the same grip is ignorant and detrimental to all my relationships. Practicing trust at all levels allows everyone to be [safely] where they need to be.

Well, I continued to paint. I replaced the "gray area" with yellow... and, now I have this painting to remind me that there needs to be a grand distance between my "inner-circle" and "outer-circle" of relationships and communicating with others.

I want to extend a special thanks to Rachel Grant, Tonya Powell & Melanie Tonia Evans for positively impacting my today and my tomorrows.

And, I want to reassure you that you are not alone in this journey of healing and health! I encourage you to grow your circles and know that everyone has a place -- near, far and everywhere in between. I encourage you to practice believing in yourself and be reassured that there is hope in the storm!!

And, I highly suggest you turn off the Food Network, HGTV, Bravo or MLB and listen this THIS video... even if you haven't faced abuse or trauma, you'll be SO glad you did!!!

#hopeinthestorm

Copyright ©Rayne 2017 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission.. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.

Life in Limbo

2016-06-15T11:36:00.000-04:00

Talking... A Foreign Concept

2016-05-08T00:05:00.002-04:00

The older I get, I become more confident that the importance of community is necessary for happiness and healing. Although, that doesn't mean it is natural, or enjoyable at times.

Typically, when I think about relationships, I think about a phone conversation I had with my mom during my Freshman year in college... just a couple of years ago now. HA! I could tell from her tone of voice that she was nervous to speak up, but she told me anyway, "I want you to try something. I want you to ask someone about something they are doing. Then, the next time you see that person, make yourself remember to ask them how it went or how they are feeling."

That was a foreign concept for me then... and it is still something I have to practice today. I continue to realize my idiosyncrasies often create a disconnect between myself and others... especially when it comes to talking. That is why it is easier for me to be removed from community, rather than regretting how I act or what I say, worrying about trusting those who I am around or them not trusting me... a search for belonging, capability to be compassionate or questioning the shame I now know controls it.

Determination to defeat the lies of seclusion helps me fight wanting to always live in my comfort and familiar zones. There is not as much control in those places as I think there are anyway. But, I am still quite often reminded of her words. And, I'm thankful for that advice my mom gave me that day in college wasn't the first (or the last) day my mom gave me advice that I didn't realize I needed.

I hope that I recognize my children's strengths and weaknesses and encourage them in the right way, at the right time.

Happy Mother's Day

#hopeinthestorm

Breaking Loss

2016-04-18T09:30:00.001-04:00

Every day, I dream about writing. Being connected to a keyboard is a comfortable place for me. For whatever reason, words don't escape my mouth with such honesty as they do when I am speaking with my fingers. Well, let me rephrase that... the words I speak are honest, they just are often what I am not trying to say.

Sometimes, I long to write... and, I have no words or emotions. There is a story inside me that has no words... it just is. [Sort of like having a deep desire to cry, but have no tears.] My fingertips touch the keys that could join to tell a story and my brain has no order... but, no letters work and I can't seem to put any words together.

As I sit here and wish I could tell you about yesterday, the only letters I have to add to my journey journal are those that I have written. Maybe words that could illustrate the feelings of my day will come...

It was a positive day. It wasn't full of revolutions or resolutions, but it was a day full of breaks from loss.

I was presented with the idea that...

...there is a difference between feeling a loss of something and actually being lost.

...there is a difference between loss and recovery.

...there is a difference between trials and trauma.

...there is a difference between mourning and shame.

I was presented with the idea that there will be a day, that [at some point] I won't have to go to therapy anymore.

...that depression and anxiety are not the same thing.

...that I do some things right.

...that I do make some good decisions, despite the overwhelming sense of depression that wants to trap me into fear and isolation.

...that I do have strength - in spite of and despite the trauma that has weakened my soul.

I was presented with the idea that the loss of a childhood is just as real as losing a person or a thing.

Today, I hope I remember these things. And, whether I have the words or not, it will be another day that helps me break from lost and the loss....

...there is a difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Now, it took me a lot of words, but I finally realize what words I wanted to write:

The idea that there is a day when I can mourn the loss of my adulthood to counseling and medication to regulate my depression?? Really! I can't imagine!

I'm not so sure if I mourn or view my childhood as a loss, as much as my adulthood. Childhood is living with what you have been given and within what you know as truth. Adulthood is seeing all the things you don't know, what you wish you would have known and wondering what it was that you don't have now... there is so much more to mourn, have shame over and recover now.

Just the thought that there is a freedom of not needing therapy, to find my healed and safe selves? I've don't know if I have been reassured that there will be an end to this process. But, one think I carry with me from my childhood, is that God DOES promise He has plan to make me whole and He will complete the good work that He started in me... even if someone else messed it up and put me on this detour in my journey!

...there is a difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow. If I am open to the healing journey, each day can hold a piece to help me break from loss.

Rayne

...just shut up!

2016-04-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

Are you ever excited to be around certain people? Whether it is my personality, self-protection, disassociation or all of them, being around people has never been my favorite past time. But, it seems the more free I become from trauma, the more I don't mind being around people. I'm slowly learning how important it is to find community... a safe community.

However, feeling comfortable around people allows me the opportunity to talk. Even if I feel listened to, [especially if I feel listened to] the regret I feel is miserable. I replay conversations with no words in my head, wishing that I would have listened more, that I would have asked more questions... that I would have just shut up!

Why is it that what I have to say is so important that I can't shut up? I'm not profound or genius or more important than anyone else... especially in social settings. Even when I can't hear my words because my brain is screaming, "just shut up".... I just keep talking until I can't hear the warning.

So, why do I become so comfortable in my words, knowing I regret them before they even escape my head? Maybe is it because I am just finding them... looking for peace to practice hearing myself - even at the expense of others.

Please know, I'm not asking for advice or opinions, I am just stating where I am in my journey and hoping to find someone who feels the same way to let you know you are not alone. With this thought, I send blessings to you, friends! Hoping that you may find confidence in your words today as you continue to find freedom in your voice.

Rayne

My Brain Has Been Busy

2016-04-11T07:30:00.000-04:00

Well, even though I haven't been writing here lately, my brain has been busy! Personally, I have been dealing with on-going disappointment, depression, loneliness, guilt, anger and anxiety. On the bright side, I have been seeing my new therapist and she is just incredible! I wish you could all see her! I have also been attending yoga classes, which have helped my body help my mind and emotions better.

I've also been building a mental list of things I have been encountering along this part of my journey and I am so excited to write about them. However, trying to re-design and re-define my career path have made it difficult to write lately... and since I am a Master Disassociationator, I hope I can remember what I wanted to write about!

Today, I just wanted to stop by and let you know that my new website is up and running!! (Being a Master Control Freak, my blog is something I continually fight with running like a business page... but, my blog is dedicated to recording my journey and that is something you just can't plan!!)

Anyway, please stop by and share my site with those who need hope and encouragement along their journey! Surviving abuse and trauma are lonely places - we have to have safe places to find community. I hope you are able to find comfort here.

My new website is: Rayne Whispers [dot] com... it will link you right back to my blog, which will stay at My Journey Journal.

Blessings,
Rayne

In hoping to reach another community with hope and truth about abuse recovery, I also recently started a Pinterest page. Feel free to check out my boards and send me your own pins to add to my boards. I hope to connect with you on Pinterest!

Image courtesy of Mihai Paraschiv.

Yesterday was Easter

2016-03-28T10:17:00.000-04:00

I have to admit, sometimes I feel guilty for writing about God. I read posts by other survivors on Twitter and there is such a disappointment or unbelief in God. Maybe God is Who is blamed for allowing abuse to happen. Maybe God isn't understood or has ever been introduced adequately. But, in my co-dependence and need to please everyone, I have to reassure myself that this is my journal. Why is it OK for others to doubt and display their opinions, convictions and feelings... but, not OK for me?

My journey has to include God... in my recovered memories, my pain and my healing. My journey has to share that God is the One who saved me despite my abuse... and this is why I write about Him. I don't know how you look at God today. Maybe you see God as the One who could have changed what happened... but, if He choice to do that, neither of us would have meet and be here right now. And, I know that I would not be here right now if it weren't for having a relationship with God early in life. He has always been my refuge and the provider of what I needed to make it through each day.

Following Easter, I wanted to share with you the hope that Jesus brings... despite the evil choices others in this life make. If you don't agree, know that it is just as much my truth as you have yours. We have to find hope from somewhere to survive and reclaim what is our own... what has been stolen from us. Jesus is the only way I know how to do that.

I am thankful for those who visit me here! My views are my own and my story is too. So, despite our differences, one thing will always find us as sisters and brothers ---- this journey to find healing and freedom.

I wish you a blessed day, my friend. And, as always, thank you so much for stopping by to share in my journey. You are a true blessing and inspiration to me... more than you know!

Happy Easter
Rayne

"So humble yourselves before God: resist the Devil ad he will flee from you. Draw close to God and God will draw close to you... Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done [and have been done to you]. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on Him, He will lift you up and give you honor." James 4:7-10

Copyright ©Rayne 2016 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Image courtesy of Pixabay.. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.

Anticipating Changes

2016-03-21T10:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, our set was a bit challenging... one song with 5 flats and another with 6 sharps [and a couple in between]... saxophones especially don't care for flats!

It always seems that when playing music, setting your mind to a new key signature takes a bit of re-adjustment... and, when playing a diverse set, as soon as you get comfortable finding the right notes, everything changes - playing the last song's accidentals in a new song that doesn't have any of the same chords.

I thought, how much like the life of a survivor! I suppose life for a "normal" person isn't always lived in one key with no accidentals or changes in tempo. But, the life of a survivor is definitely in constant flux. Maybe you have found your cycle in recovery. But, I am still on my journey and living with depression and disassociation, I seem to be in a constant search for the surprisingly new, the fear of the familiar [when circumstances or triggers bring changes] or even forgetfulness of the past.

Anticipating changes.

Always performing, in-spite inability or despite choice.

Practicing for the unexpected.

Even if you aren't a musician, I hope this concept makes sense to you. I pray that if you are reading this, that today will be a day of rest from the anticipated changes that life may bring today.

Rayne

I thought I was done, but then I kept on writing:

Even though life's dance cannot ignore the key signature that we've been dealt, we still have lessons to learn and practice that can help us not make the same mistakes next time we have to replay this cycle. Yes, recovery and freedom takes work. But, we can become strengthened and more refined, despite the reason.

We can bring a melody to life that no one without our experiences could ever imagine.

Right?

Copyright ©Rayne 2016 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Image courtesy of Pexels. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share.

Day Five: Brene Brown on Empany

2016-03-18T12:27:00.000-04:00

And, that's all I can do...

2016-03-08T10:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not a big "animal person". But, this morning, I was trying to think of how I could communicate how I was feeling and I looked down at my daughter's puppy. I thought about how she needs to be held and understood, even though she can't talk or express her needs - other than a few restricted gestures. And, that's how I feel...

All I can do, is read these words and know - this soon too will pass...

Deuteronomy 31:8 “… It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Psalms 34:17 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

Psalms 3:3 But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

Psalms 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

1 Peter 4:12-13 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

My favorite, since I was little:

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

If you have a chance today, THIS is a great YouTube channel!

Blessings, friend!

Rayne

Copyright ©RayneWhispers 2016 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal© contents are property of Rayne (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. Images courtesy [CC0 Public Domain] from pixabay.com

Day Five: Do big words cause brain damage?

2016-03-03T17:26:00.000-05:00

HA!! Well, big words don't cause brain damage... I don't think. Today's video begins with some BIG words, Athena Moberg!! HA! But, this is definitively a must watch!!

Athena and Bobbi continue to boggle my mind!! They connect dots I didn't know could be connected!

If you are trying to put your life's puzzle together, having a functioning brain does help... and this podcast helps us understand the damage that abuse causes.

#DayFive

Trauma Recovery University
#NoMoreShame

Things are brewing...

2016-02-22T10:42:00.000-05:00

Have you ever bought an iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts and poured it into a Starbucks cup? I don't remember why I did this, but I did this the other day... maybe I gave my Dunkin' Donuts cup to my daughter for her smoothie? Anyway... I noticed something. My DD coffee didn't it taste the same after I poured it into my Starbucks® cup! Why is that? Nothing changed about the contents... just the container!

As I love analogies, this got me thinking... it didn't take me long to realize that this was sort of how being abused feels - there's not anything different about what's inside, it just seems different some how.

I certainly don't have any answers [for the coffee or how to change how abuse effects us], all I have to offer today is this thought... to let you know, survivor, that you are not alone in how you feel.

You are precious, no matter what circumstances has changed the atmosphere in which you now live your life!

Rayne

DISCLAIMER: I love the Toasted Almond Iced Coffee from Dunkin' Donuts any time... it's just different from a Starbucks® Decaf Iced Americano! No iced coffees were harmed in the writing of this blog post... just enjoyably consumed!

Copyright ©RayneWhispers 2016 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal© contents are property of Rayne (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. This extraordinary image is courtesy of Bonnyb Bendix, CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

Day Five: Life Thoughts I Thought Were Only Mine

2016-02-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

What!!??! You have to listen to this podcast this weekend!!

The life that my mind has... I thought they were only my thoughts!! Not only can someone else put these into words, but they define them!! Here are some of the thoughts they look at...

Filtering – taking only the negative from a situation/experience and magnifying it
Black and White Thinking – thinking in extremes
Over-generalization – believing that if something is true in one situation that it’s always true
Catastrophizing – thinking that the “worst case scenario” will always happen
Jumping to Conclusions – presuming an end result based upon flawed thinking
Control Fallacies – believing that our feelings or other people are in control of us
Shoulds – establishing a list of unyielding rules for how we need to behave, think and feel
Emotional Reasoning – believing that what we feel is always truth

THANK YOU!

Athena Moberg & Bobbi Parish

CLICK HERE to get a copy of the Trauma Recovery University FREE downloadable as you listen!

To cope with and change cognitive distortions, Athena & Bobbi suggest employing these strategies:

Learn to recognize your cognitive distortions - write them out of you think it would help.
If it would help you, trace the origins of your cognitive distortions so you know where they came from and how you learned them. It can be very beneficial for some of us to know how we learned them.
Develop a list of healthy thoughts and beliefs.
When you see your thinking or behavior being influenced by a cognitive distortion replace it with a healthy thought or belief.
Be aware that leaving cognitive distortions behind may initially be frightening as we may have a false belief that they kept us safe as a child or that “rejecting” them is disloyal to our family/abuser(s). There may be a great deal of guilt associated with replacing cognitive distortions with healthy thinking.
Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you go through this process of replacing cognitive distortions with new, healthy thinking and beliefs. It isn’t an overnight process. But it is possible. Practice is an essential part of the process. Practice. Practice. Practice. A great place to practice is in Safe Community.

Playing the Swapping Game

2016-02-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if life gets more complicated or more simple as you get older... it seems to just play a swapping game - constantly exchanging the simple for the complex and visa versa. I don't consider it balance, rather a cycle of human misfortune... and a chance to break that cycle.

Even though sometimes trading the difficult for the unbearable or the frustrating for the unforgettable, there are also moments in life that allow us to gently exchange the sad for the silly or the disappointments for the excitement of something new.

* * *

Today, we had snow-day. And in snow-day fashion, I spent some personal time on Pinterest. I came across a series of quotes from Design*Sponge and this one just caught my spirit in pause...

"Walls turned sideways are bridges."

Angela Davis

Even age and trauma have their (disadvantages and) advantages - it is just what you make out of what you have been given, what has happened or what choices you yourself have made.

Take today, friend... turn your life sideways and take choose to take the bridges to well-health and hopeful living. Life, for certain, has its far share of walls --- if there is any truth to that quote, then there are just as many bridges too, right?

Rayne

Copyright ©Rayne 2016 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

Writing in the Sand

2016-01-24T10:46:00.001-05:00

Well, I had the best intentions for 2016! I started the year by making a list of ways to be intentional about life and I even did a bit of studying on courage, which I had the best intentions of blogging about. But, I think I'm a bit stuck... not how I intended on beginning 2016 - feels a bit like writing in the sand.

I have had unexpected life changes. I somewhat hastily quit my almost-full-time job to pursue freelance work in writing and design. With relief in some ways, this change has also brought the anticipation of the unknown. I am also changing therapists, so I am a bit anxious about what that change will bring.

I find myself questioning things about life that I've never questioned before. Maybe it is not ironic that this was my year, planned to be focused on living with intention and courage... I may need it more than I anticipated. I was hoping to better myself... I may need to free myself.

Have you set New Year goals or intentions? I encourage you to keep them present in your life and to always be willing to revisit them, despite what life throws in your way to distract and discourage you.

I suppose, you can look at it... writing in the sand just gives you extra chances to begin again. To a year of many new beginnings and intentional courage!
Rayne

This Little Light of Mine

2015-12-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

"Wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge."

Abraham Joshua Heschel

Despite whether life's circumstances are wrapped up into pretty packages or the mysterious, out of focus unknown, it seems as if it's full of so many questions. It seems that I don't even know the difference between imagination, creativity, doubt, wisdom, inspiration or reality any more.

What does life look like to you? Does the unknown look the same, despite its differences?

Some days, most days, I let life pass by, looking off into the absence of blurred lights. Some days, I look at what life could be like and dress it all up in my head, perfectly presentable in anticipation of getting something bigger than I could have bought in the finest store.

Go ahead... look at the yellow lights in the image above. Just look at them, find refuge in them... it is calming in a way. After awhile, staring at the yellow and blue lights becomes comfortable, almost relaxing.

Do you know what those blurred lights are? To me they represent disassociation, depression, weariness, doubt and defeat. I wish those specks of blurred color would bring me new knowledge, insight or a fresh search for renewed hope. But, as long as I continue to allow myself to look past the present, literally, I miss everything else that happens around me.

Now, look at the lower right of the same image. It feels different and it has a different story. It is clean, crisp and full of anticipation. I wish I could live everyday - in the "present". I do! But, who knows what is inside. I could be bravery or ... but, it could also be fear of torn relationships, resurfacing pain of the past or reminders of deep sorrow.

Do I want to take that chance? I don't know what I'll get living in the present. I am comfortable living in the soothing stare of familiarity. But, if that is the only place I live today, that is likely where I will be tomorrow, its tomorrow and the tomorrow after that.

That is where my journey leaves me today,

Rayne

I encourage you to seek the Light of the world this holiday season. Because, even if you are stuck in the distance of disassociation, fear, depression, anger, loneliness, shame or doubt... He is there too.

Copyright ©Rayne 2015 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

Your problem isn't the same as mine? What!?

2015-11-13T07:38:00.003-05:00

This week, my daughter attended a rehearsal for a local symphony. She had told me she was nervous several times this week. In my attempt to "make it better", as we were driving to the rehearsal I said, "Don't worry about not knowing anyone. You'll go in, put your instrument together and go to your assigned seat. Once you sit down, you will naturally get to know the other players around you and you'll probably hang out with them during breaks." To which, she replied, "You're the one with people problems, not me! It's playing music I've never seen that I am nervous about - not meeting new people."

Well!! I hadn't thought about it. She was right. Although it isn't a delightful feeling to have your 14 year old daughter point out the things you like the least about yourself, she was right. Music is my place of safety in many ways. I've never really been excited about social situations.

I just made me think. How many times we put our "normal" onto what other people expect to be their "normal"... when, maybe, we can't even relate or recognize naturally what their natural gifts or fears are.

I'm not sure it is something we can really change. But, at least it is something to consider when we "help" people with their worries of life.

Blessings as you live your "normal" journey today,
Rayne

Copyright ©Rayne 2015 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

Living life staring at the road mohawk

2015-11-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

On this journey, I question what road I am taking... a lot. Daily I wonder and pray that each step I choose will lead to health, wholeness and happiness.

This week, while driving down the road, I noticed what I have coined, "the road mohawk". What is a road mohawk?? Well, it is a collection of dead, fall leaves that because of the curvature of the road and the contradictory traffic patterns, the road is completely clear of any debris... except this strip of stranded leaves right in the middle of the road where the cars don't drive.

Every time I drive past a "road mohawk" it makes me wonder what I am passing by in life, what I leave a trail of behind me. It makes me wonder what kind of road would my journey resemble.

Would it be bright and full of hope? Would it be dreary and depressing? Would there be a glimmer of light at the end? Would it be a trap? Would it be able or worth escaping?

Someday, I hope my path looks consistent... not a dead-ended trap, full of u-turns, never-ending or unpredictable. I hope that someday, I won't have to look down at the mohawk of path beside me, the left-overs and push-overs, but anticipate what hope lies ahead. I hope that someday, my path is a place I enjoy being and that doesn't bring fear and doubt with every step. I hope, someday, it just makes sense.

Until then... everyday, the path looks different.

Rayne

Copyright ©Rayne 2015 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

Hello, again...

2015-11-01T12:21:00.002-05:00

Last night, I was thinking about how long it had been since sharing with you. It has been a long time... it has been a long month.

My body and my emotions have both been torn down. My soul is quiet right now... just trying to survive, I suppose.

Anyways, I was thinking about the word "lonely" and I came up with this quote. I liked it and it gave me the strength to share with you. I hope it brings a bit of clarity into your path today.

May your journey always be brighter tomorrow,
Rayne

Copyright ©Rayne 2015 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

Born to Soar

2015-10-05T22:05:00.001-04:00

Resist ordinary - you were born to soar!

Paula White

It sure feels like I have been here before... soar vs sore. If I have contemplated those two words before, I don't think I would have been looking from the same perspective I have today.

It is easier to distinguish a "sore" spot than a growing pain. They feel different, I suppose.

How does it seem that childhood and adulthood seem to flip-flop? Growing up, I took everything that was different about me and made it what made me soar... above others, above diversity, above disabilities, above inabilities, above expectations, above perceptions, above faith, above dreams, ambitions and strong-will.

But, now as forty-something, I look at the things that are different about me... and become sore. It seems so backwards. Other people go through growing pains when they are younger and now seem to be well-rounded in their journeys - despite how big or small their growing pains where (or despite what they were).

Yesterday, I was sitting with my children eating lunch. I made a passing comment about something that had been said or something that I had observed... I can't remember exactly what my comment was. However... I do remember my oldest saying, "Well, you always see everything differently than everyone else." My spirit was pierced... did she say that out loud?!? Although she hadn't said anything wrong and she wasn't trying to be inconsiderate... I felt as though I were the 14 year old at that moment (not probably having felt that way when I was 14 the first time). I sank in my chair... I was in shock (and hurt) at her observation - more because I knew it was true.

I used to pride myself on being different! Maybe it was the only way I could feel comfortable or drive myself to accomplish things that were beyond my reach? I created my own little world covered any sense that being "different" was a "bad" thing. (Although, I have always despised being referred to as "special"... but, not different.)

Being a "different" child was fine... being a "different" young adult was probably even better. But! I don't want to be a "different" mom --- not a "special" mom. I don't want my kids to be embarrassed because I'm not able to communicate the way I should or others expect me to. I don't want my kids to grow up unorganized because my process of accomplishing tasks is so skewed and foreign to most. I don't want my kids to be "strange" to others because they mirror my ways of functioning, surviving, learning or interacting with others.

It's OK to be different, right? It is a question for you and me to really take a hold of... seek purpose in. I am confident in the face that the "differences" I have constructed and collected during the years have kept me sane, functioning and full of imagination. Being "different" has it's positive sides of seeing and hearing differently...

So, during these growing pains, it is time for me to stand an resist the ordinary... resist the temptation of feeling inferior, stupid or insufficient. Trauma and abuse steal what we were born to be... today is the day to face the growing pains and soar.

#resistordinary
@Paula_White

P.S. I cannot tell you how many times while typing this entry I spelled "sour" instead of "soar"... appropriate, sad and funny all at the same time.

Copyright ©Rayne 2015 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com

Guest Blogging with Rachel Grant Coaching

2015-09-30T07:00:00.000-04:00

Last Spring, I had the opportunity to "meet" Rachel Grant on Twitter and talk with her over the phone. She asked me to be a guest write on her blog. I was so honored!

Since being on Twitter, I have come across influential people in the abuse community who are really making a difference in lives affected and altered by abuse. Rachel was of those individuals whose posts and tweets brought me closer to my journey of past abuse she had become a part of my solution in life, not the problem.

I spent several months thinking about what I would post in September for Rachel. I had several ideas, but the closer I came to writing, the more nervous I became. At the end of July, I sat down one night to begin working on my blog series. Although I usually type, for some reason that night, I wanted to use pen and paper to construct my thoughts. I was quite lost for words in the content I had thought about previously... so, I decided to work on a personal introduction of myself.

Before I knew it, the couple of scrape papers I had been writing on were filled up with words facing every which way and direction. I didn't realize what had happened during the process of writing until I saw my own words written with ink... "and that is my story".

What?!?

Since I began writing several years ago, I have always written about my "journey"... I have never had a "story"! It was the first time that I was confident in what I was writing to the point that I "had a story" to tell.

Thank you, Rachel, for believing in me as a writer and a survivor. Thank you for being part of my journey and allowing me to find a story and a voice to share it with others.

To read my blog series, visit Rachel Grant Coaching (August 28, 2015 through September 28, 2015),
"If You Can't Remember, Does That Mean the Abuse Wasn't Real?"

Rachel is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. Rachel has a passionate belief that her clients do not have to remain trapped or confronted daily by the thoughts or behaviors that result from abuse. Through Rachel's own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, she's gained insight and understanding about what it takes to overcome abuse - which makes it possible for her to relate to and appreciate your struggles intimately. Rachel holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology and provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models.

Hide & Seek of the Senses

2015-09-14T06:30:00.000-04:00

This weekend, it happened. It has been so long since it has happened, I had totally forgot how helpless it feels. I don't know what it is or why it happens, but maybe you can relate...

It happens when I am in public places. Places that have a lot of people moving and a lot of chattery noises. All at once, I feel like I am drown into a brilliant and almost supernatural world... but, not in a fun way. Everything around me gets very, very bright... people and things remain the same, but all the spaces in between fill with a transparent white that illuminates my circumstances.

At this point, I get embarrassed, especially if I am talking with someone. I feel like I am going to faint, but with none of the worries. I feel like my eyes are crossed and they can see the confusion swirling around in my head.

Then, the noise. Not does everything get very, very loud but the united sound of rambling becomes divided conversations... like I am standing in everyone of them myself, even though I am not. When I hear so much, I am able to still speak and I am able to still focus on the conversation I am having... I think. I hope I look "normal" when this happens. I try to keep appearing that everything is OK, when in reality, I am some place far, far away and somewhere so intensely close to the sounds and sights around me.

When this happens, I just want it to stop. Because I can hear everyone's conversations and everything around me is so visible, I suppose it makes me feel like I am the same way to everyone else... except, I am probably the only one who is being loud and attracting attention by separation of light around me.

It isn't a crazy feeling, but it is a I-don't-like-it feeling. Besides a slight fainting feeling, it is like my brain is playing hide and seek of the senses... really, it feels scary (and did I mention embarrassing). After I am able to leave the crowded, bright and loud space, I spend the remainder of my day in bed. It exhausts me. I want to feel secure and safe with silence and calm being my retreat. Seclusion seems to be my remedy. Exhaustion seems to be my denial.

I tried to look it up and to me, I think it is PTSD that causes these episodes. You may think I am crazy. One, for sharing this with you. Two, for it happening in the first place. It hasn't happened in such a long time, I couldn't have ever described it. This is a personal and vulnerable post. I am only writing to let someone, at some time and some place know they are not alone if this happens to them. Although being embarrassed at the moment and exhausted after will probably accompany this act of the mind, in the end, you are not an alien or strange person.

You are an exceptional person, adapting to circumstances you couldn't control in a remarkable way to keep yourself protected... and you are not alone.

Copyright ©Rayne 2015 | If this is your first time to my blog, I try to write as transparently as if I were writing in a personal journal... writing my journey from childhood sexual abuse and the repercussions it has on repressed memories, coping and living as an adult. Molar Abuse© and My Journey Journal contents are property of Rayne. (me) and all of my content is copyright protected. It is illegal, stealing and disrespectful to use or reproduce my journey, my mission or my words without written permission. Please CONTACT me for written permission and printables to share. My images are CC0 Public Domain from pixabay.com.

Day Five: All That is Bitter & Sweet

2015-09-11T06:30:00.000-04:00

9-11

Today, remember the importance of every life around you and the vitality of every emotion you carry. Our journeys are so individual, yet we often walk the same path... hoping, dreaming and wishing for the same freedom. If only this - today, celebrate that you have not been forgotten or abandoned. The act of living has its many colors, but despite the approaching storms or the calming winds, we always have something inside to change the color of someone else's day.

Rayne

P.S. It's Friday and I wanted to share a video with you. I am not able to share one video, because I couldn't help but share two... thanks to the integrity, empathy and willingness to survivors like Ashley Judd, we are sweetly reminded that we are not alone, despite the bitter tragedies that continually rage round us.

"I was trying to give away what I did not yet have."

Ashley Judd

Connect your head and your heart.

#VerticalJourney

"I was so astounded and shattered.

I didn't have anywhere in my brain to put this information.

I was so flooded and my heart was absolutely broken.

Remember, I came into this work with kind of a broken heart to begin with;

there was a reason I was attracted to trauma.

There was a reason I intuited:

I had a very strange capacity for emotional extremes."

Ashley Judd

#NoAbandonment