Reality Redone

90 Day: The Last Resort, Episode 1 - The Last Chance

2023-08-15T22:13:00.004-05:00

The therapists introduce the couples...

THERAPIST LADY - Let's find out why you're all here.

THERAPIST DUDE - Besides a free vacation to the third most-visited island in the western portion of the Florida Keys, am I right? HAHAHAHAHA! **nobody laughs**

YARA - Chovy and me have a problem. Big problem.

JOVI - When I eat her borscht my canines swell to twice their original size.

ANGELA - Damn. That's big.

YARA - Yes, there is that. But it's more that you want another baby.

JOVI - What's the big deal? Ween goes in, baby comes out, you do everything to care for baby while I scuba dive in another continent for four months at a time.

YARA - Chovy does not understand that I need time after healing from some very minor outpatient surgery.

BIG ED - **stares at Yara's chest** Not so minor anymore.

THERAPIST LADY - On behalf of Warner Brothers legal team, let's change the subject immediately.

The focus turns to Kalani and Asuelu...

THERAPIST LADY - Kalani, what's your beef with Asuelu?

KALANI - More like ROAST beef. Asuelu got a yeastie from a Polynesian poonunners.

MOLLY - Oh no. Oh no.

KELLY - I think I feel my conch fritter coming back up.

LIZ - My ears.

JOVI - My teeth.

BIG ED - **whispers in Asuelu's ear**

ASUELU - I was conducting tests on whether the probiotics in frozen yogurt samples have a negative effect on vaginal health.

KALANI - Hey Semi-Cyrano. I know my simple husband could never come up with that excuse on his own.

BIG ED - I tried.

KALANI - Asuelu gave me a hall pass. I met a guy on social media and we kissed.

THERAPIST DUDE - that's not so bad.

KALANI - then we did oral.

THERAPIST LADY - I mean ... could be worse!

KALANI - Then we did vaginal

THERAPIST DUDE - Well, we can still get past that.

KALANI - Then we did anal.

THERAPIST LADY - Oh.

KALANI - Then we did astral.

THERAPIST DUDE - ok, I've never even heard of that

KALANI - Then we did -

THERAPIST LADY - THANK YOU, Kalani, for your candor. Extreme, explicit, sometimes disgusting candor.

ASUELU - Was he better than me?

KALANI - I don't think you want the answer to that.

ASUELU - Please tell me.

KALANI - Yes. In every way humanly possible.

ASUELU - **bursts into tears**

THERAPIST DUDE - Let it out, buddy. **rubs Asuelu's back** Straight from the boohole.

The focus turns to Molly and Kelly...

MOLLY - Kelly used to have a job up in New York. Then he moved to Atlanta, and now he's always talkin' 'bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.

THERAPIST DUDE - Did you just... quote TLC's No Scrubs?

MOLLY - **proudly** Yes. Yes, I did.

KELLY - None of that is true! I'm up in her titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color!

THERAPIST LADY - Is that true, Molly? Is he up in your titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color?

MOLLY - HE CAN'T EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CRUSHED ROSE AND BLUSHING SALMON!!!!!!!!!

**awkward silence**

THERAPIST DUDE - I don't know if this one can be saved, to be honest.

The focus turns to Big Ed and Liz...

BIG ED - We are moving to Arkansas.

THERAPIST DUDE - I agree that that's a valid reason to seek therapy.

The focus turns to Angela...

THERAPIST LADY - Angela, you're here alone. This is a couples retreat.

ANGELA - not totally alone. I brought divorce papers.

THERAPIST DUDE - Divorce papers are not a person.

ANGELA - What about an iPad with a person FaceTiming from it?

THERAPIST LADY - No.

ANGELA - What about a picture of Michael doing the BJ for real in a Toyota Corolla in an alley in Lagos?

THERAPIST LADY - More compelling. But still no.

ANGELA - Can I stay if I start shit with other cast members?

THERAPIST LADY - Girl, yes. Jesus. Lead with that next time.

THE END.

Jeopardy Recap - June 21, 2022 - Megan, Rob, and Jenny

2022-06-21T22:28:00.002-05:00

MAYIM BIALIK - Good afternoon! In honor of Juneteenth, I'm wearing old curtains in the style of Miss Scarlett O'Hara!

JENNY - Didn't she, like, own slaves?

ROB - And wasn't Juneteenth two days ago?

MAYIM - I'd expect that kind of woke-ism from budget Paris Geller over there, but from you, Rob? People your age are supposed to be blaming Biden for gas prices on Facebook.

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, I've gotten word from Wardrobe that they don't want to take responsibility for the outfit you chose today.

MAYIM - Oh great. Wardrobe are libtards, too?

PRODUCER MICHAEL - They're saying it's because it's ugly.

MAYIM - Ahem. Moving on. The first category is Children's Books.

MEGAN - What is War and Peace?

MAYIM - That's not a children's book.

MEGAN - For me, it was.

JENNY - **under breath** Fucking nerd.

MEGAN - I heard that.

MAYIM - Next up - black women!

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Oh god, this could go so terribly wrong.

MAYIM - **shows photo of Tamron Hall** Who is this black woman?

MEGAN - Rosa Parks?

PRODUCER MICHAEL - I want to die.

MAYIM - Even I know it's probably best to move on. The category is Transplants. This St. Louis-born singer, dancer and actress lived in France.

MEGAN - Maya Angelou.

MAYIM - No.

MEGAN - Toni Morrison

MAYIM - The category isn't even black women anymore! Stop guessing random black women!

JENNY - You've got a problem hearing the names of black women?

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Missing Mike Richards more and more by the second.

MAYIM - Let's meet our contestants. Rob, you look like a cross between Ric Okasek and Richard Belzer.

ROB - Is... that a question?

MAYIM - Nope! Jenny, you are a preschool teacher. Isn't that INTERESTING!?

JENNY - I feel like you're mocking me.

MAYIM - Would a neuroscientist mock a professional ass-wiper of our impressionable, incontinent youth?

MEGAN- Can you ask a question now that proves I know who Zendaya is?

MAYIM - We'd save a lot of time if you'd just buy a box of Nice N' Easy in Nutmeg.

JENNY - Can we wrap this up? I've experienced enough ageism, racism and classism for one nationally-televised day.

MAYIM - What I wouldn't give to change places with Richard Dawson right now. And he's dead. Final Jeopardy category is Geography Words.

ROB - It better be isthmus. I love to say isthmus.

MAYIM - It's not isthmus.

JENNY - Avuncular?

MAYIM - ... No.

MEGAN- Archipelago!

MAYIM - Yes! You've now beaten Rob by two dollars, the amount of money Richard Dawson used to slip pretty moms and aunts to rub on their fannies under the bright Survey lights.

ROB - God damn it. I put on my best Jerry Seinfeld-branded blazer and black crewneck for this shit?

THE END

Jeopardy Recap - June 20, 2022 - Megan, Ketty and Toby

2022-06-20T23:10:00.014-05:00

MAYIM BIALIK - Today, on Jeopardy, we'll be hearing from Attachment Parenting expert Apple Bohannan, and learning why allowing your husband to sleep in your bed with you more than twice a fiscal quarter leads to penis envy in your male-identifying children.

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, they gave Kelly Clarkson the talk show. Not you. This is Jeopardy.

MAYIM - Can't we at least let Apple bring out the rubber breast for the tween suckling demo?

PRODUCER MICHAEL - No.

MAYIM - Well, Michael is INSISTING that this is Jeopardy. Let's first meet Toby, who has been to 50 countries and 47 states.

TOBY - That's right. FUCK KENTUCKY, NEBRASKA AND CLEVELAND.

MAYIM - Some strong feelings about states there.

MEGAN - Cleveland is a city.

MAYIM - **laughs nervously** I know that! Don't you think I know that?

KETTY - I once swam with sharks.

MAYIM - It's already clear from that red peekaboo camisole that you're a risk-taker.

MEGAN - Slut shaming!

MAYIM - Leave it to "graying gracefully" over here to trot out the third wave platitudes.

MEGAN - **buzzes** Eustachian tube!

MAYIM - I hadn't asked a question yet, but since it reminds me of a funny co-sleeping story, I'll give it to you. You see, in 2009, my baby was -

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim.

MAYIM - What, are you involved with Big Crib or something? Fine. Contestants, give me some horse idioms.

MEGAN - Riding bareback. Riding side saddle. Reverse cowgirl.

TOBY - Alright, alright, alright.

MAYIM - Down, Toby.

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Thank god for these socially distanced podiums.

MAYIM -Next, let's talk air travel. What's the difference between a layover and a stopover?

TOBY - With a layover you have two hours to wait in the airport bathroom with a "wide stance." With a stopover, you have four hours.

MAYIM - That is... not right. Serves me right for giving an open-ended question. Ketty, you've got a daily double! What is JoJo Siwa's sign?

KETTY - What is Capricorn?

MAYIM - EEEEEEHHHH. It's Taurus. Good luck facing your folks at home after that humiliation.

MEGAN - What's a JoJo Siwa?

MAYIM - WE GET IT, YOU HAVE GRAY HAIR.

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, Belgium is the next category, but don't forget what you promised.

MAYIM - That I would never attempt my flawless French accent in honor of my predecessor Alex Trebek unless the date on the calendar happenes to be June 20, 2022?

PRODUCER MICHAEL - You know what? Let's skip the Belgium catetory.

MAYIM - TV mashups! What do you get when you cross Phil Collins's daughter with Al Bundy's wife?

TOBY - Pegging Emily?

KETTY - This guy is starting to make me uncomfortable.

MAYIM - As someone whose son still asks for "mommy treats" despite having five o'clock shadow every morning, me too. Me too.

MEGAN - What are the chances that Final Jeopardy can be about Piracy? That was the subject of my PHD disseration.

MAYIM - I have one thing to say: ARRRRRRRGHHH NO.

KETTY - That doesn't even make -

MAYIM - I don't need your judgement, Nevada. Final Jeopardy is about British History.

KETTY - Yeah, like you said, I'm from Nevada.

MEGAN - Edward Teach? Pink Beard? Captain Jack Sparrow?

TOBY - FUCK CLEVELAND!

MAYIM - Whelp, looks like Megan won today with a whopping $491. Might even be able to fly home in a window seat with that.

THE END.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 5 - "The Vow Renewal"

2020-11-19T21:09:00.000-06:00

Braunwyn Windham-Burke visits her mother Doctor Deb's new home in Palm Springs..

DOCTOR DEB - And this is the garden, in which we have bastardized sacred Buddhist principles so as to appear "Zen."

BRAUNWYN - I haven't been feeling so Zen lately. I gave up drinking.

DOCTOR DEB - I heard. And so has the entire former cast of this show, after a mass email from me. Peggy Sulahian sends her love.

BRAUNWYN - Jeez, if I wasn't worried enough about people not liking me anymore, now I have to worry about getting a text from Alexis Bellino.

DOCTOR DEB - Don't be worried. I can confirm that people for sure don't like you anymore.

BRAUNWYN - Way to exploit my darkest fears.

DOCTOR DEB - C'mon, BoringWind. Finish your matcha and stop being such a spiritually-weak little beyotch.

BRAUNWYN - I really despise you.

DOCTOR DEB - You are SO not invited to The Playa this year.

The ladies take a bus to Palm Springs for Braunwyn's vow renewal...

ELIZABETH VARGAS - Sorry I'm late. Was with my lawyers trying to figure out whether the private jet should just have my ex-husband's initials monogramed into the headrests, or both of ours.

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Luckily you have Jimmy to comfort you during this tough stuff.

ELIZABETH - Who?

EMILY SIMPSON - Your boyfriend.

ELIZABETH - Hmmmm. Not ringing a bell.

GINA - The tall dude who always follows you around?

ELIZABETH - Oh, JIMMY. Yeah, he's a big comfort.

KELLY DODD - Can we fucking get shitfaced yet?

GINA - I've got some bad news. There's no tequila allowed at this vow renewal.

KELLY - What is this, Footloose?!

GINA - That's about dancing.

KELLY - It's the same thing! My freedom is being tread on. Like Rick always says, don't tread on me!

GINA - Kelly, chill.

KELLY - No! I need to be able to get plastered in my own very specific preferred way!

GINA - You can still get drunk, just not from the distilled beverage made from the blue agave plant.

KELLY - THIS IS BULLSHIT! LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ!

EMILY - Ok, I'm actually kind of impressed she whipped that out.

KELLY - WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

GINA - Listen, Kelly. What if we put some mezcal in a Mio bottle and you can squirt drops into your eyeballs when nobody's looking?

KELLY - **pacified** That's fine, I guess.

Braunwyn and Sean renew their vows, officiated by drag queen Babette Schwartz...

BRAUNWYN - Dear Sean. On our first date, I promised to turn my vagina into a clown car. And you weren't scared.

SEAN - Dear Braunwyn. When you promised to turn your vagina into a clown car, I was scared. But I was also too scared to walk away, so here we are.

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Nice. Now let's wrap up this shit so we can get FUUUUUUUUCKED UP.

BRAUNWYN - Wait. We'd like to give the floor to our children. What could possibly go wrong?

JACOB - Mom, would you still be with dad if he pulled a Jared from Subway and arranged meetings with young trafficked children at the Indianapolis Hilton?

BRAUNWYN - Ummmm...

JACOB - And Dad, would you still be with mom if she amputated your foot in your sleep?

SEAN - Uhhhhhh...

JACOB - And Mom, would you still be with dad if he murdered Hazel with the pointiest of bamboo necklaces -

BRAUNWYN - Ok, that's enough.

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Hey, I'm into it.

BRAUNWYN - You're really botching this.

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Next time, offer a queen a few bucks.

Kelly Dodd confronts Shannon Beador about her beverage brand at the vow renewal reception...

KELLY - I hear you're selling water now.

SHANNON - It's a tincture. A TINCTURE.

KELLY - Sounds like sphincter.

SHANNON - Perfect, because it was inspired by a visit to Doctor Moon.

JOHN, SHANNON'S BOYFRIEND - What's going on here?

SHANNON - John! Did you hear her? She's accusing me of making water!

JOHN - I mean, after five minutes with my magic hands, you usually do.

KELLY - I'm the most sexually graphic person in Southern California, and even I'm grossed out by that reference.

JOHN - Sorry. Just trying to fit in. **sulks away**

THE END

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 18 - "99 Problems and an Ex is One"

2020-11-14T18:05:00.019-06:00

Kristianna hangs with her family and John...

KRISTIANNA - Here we are, on day three of talking about whether to turn myself in.

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Can we wrap this up and get your ass back to jail? Maury's on.

KRISTIANNA'S MOM - You got your own Maury show right here, in this house. **starts to chant** Maury! Maury! Maury! **coughs**

KRISTIANNA - Ma, you know the doctor told you chanting's not safe.

JOHN - I can tell you a little something about chanting. You see, in the Native American tradition, one must -

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Oh christ. Just kill me.

Scott busts in on Lindsey and Tara Belle hooking up in the attic...

SCOTT - Hey! I was just joking when I said no scissoring up in the attic!

TARA BELLE - Meaning you really wanted us to scissor?

SCOTT - Meaning I didn't think you'd really do it!

LINDSEY - I was in prison for six years. What the fuck do you think we do in there?

SCOTT - I dunno. Make collect calls to the one and only man you love while staring at his shirtless photograph.

TARA BELLE AND LINDSEY - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

SCOTT - Rude.

Dylan's mom Paula visits him at his new apartment...

DYLAN - Great news. I've got an amazing new job approaching people at the mall and asking them if they've ever considered alternative energy sources.

PAULA - Eh, I think I'd rather you sell drugs.

DYLAN - Check it out. I made you steak for dinner, with some wine.

PAULA - Damn. This is even better than a night out at O'Charley's.

DYLAN - Only the best for my main girl.

PAULA - So Heather's out of the picture?

DYLAN - She recklessly drove down the street and out of my life forever.

PAULA - What about the aunt in the tie-dye cold shoulder shirt?

DYLAN - Bitch, bye.

PAULA - Glad to see you've finally established some healthy boundaries in your life. And Aunt Diane?

DYLAN - Still talking every day. **phone rings** Hello? Yes, I saw it. **giggles** Bazinga, am I right? HA! **giggles again** Totally.

PAULA - Hello?

DYLAN - Oh, sorry. AD was just checking in over last night's episode of Young Sheldon. More pinot?

Before Jessica and Maurice's wedding...

JESSICA - Do you think sis is going to show up?

JESSICA'S MOM - I don't think she'd miss your wedding for all the tea in China.

JESSICA - Mom, Maurice isn't Chinese. He's black.

JESSICA'S SISTER - I'm here!

JESSICA - I knew it! I'd knew you'd make it! **phone rings**

MAURICE - **broken down on the side of the road** Yeah, I'm not gonna make it.

JESSICA'S MOM - I guess one out of two ain't bad.

Destinie and Shawn meet at a diner with the baby mama of his six children Kelly...

SHAWN - I'm so happy we can all be together for the sake of those six beautiful little accidents.

KELLY - **to the waitress** I'll have the eggs florentine.

DESTINIE - Pffft, eggs florentine? What kinda bitch order eggs florentine?

KELLY - An Italian bitch, BITCH!

DESTINIE - Well, arrivederci, because you won't be talking to Shawn any time soon!

KELLY - We don't need to talk to FUCK, prison ho!

SHAWN - Well, this is going better than I thought it would, to be honest. **takes a bite of his Slammin' Salami n' Eggs Skillet™**

THE END.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 4 - "An Unexpected Guest"

2020-11-12T20:58:00.000-06:00

Kelly Dodd and Braunwyn Windham Burke go dress shopping...

BRAUNWYN WINDHAM BURKE - Hello, I'm here to buy a dress for my vow renewal.

DRESS SHOP LADY - A vow renewal. So in six-months you'll be back buying something slutty for blind dates on Tinder.

KELLY DODD - Wow, that's a rude thing for a dress shop lady to say. **under breath** And so, so accurate.

BRAUNWYN - This marriage will last. Unlike ghosts of housewives past, my husband eats ass.

KELLY DODD - Ugh, gross! **after a second** But I'm listening...

BRAUNWYN - Well, after a long hot shower, Sean puts me on the bed, and then -

DRESS SHOP LADY - **tries to interrupts** Hey who likes organza!?

BRAUNWYN - Oh, an organza happens, alright. Sean does something extra special, and it involves -

DRESS SHOP LADY -**tries to interrupt again** How about crêpe?

BRAUNWYN - Oh, none of that. I do a full preparation before the act, if you catch my drift.

DRESS SHOP LADY - **holds up a dress** Muslin?

BRAUNWYN - No, we're Jews. I don't know how they feel about the whole thing.

DRESS SHOP LADY - PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT EATING ASS IN THE DRESS SHOP.

**stunned silence**

DRESS SHOP LADY - Ahem. Taffeta is lovely this time of year.

Gina Kirschenheiter welcomes her ex-husband Matt to their daughter's birthday party...

MATT - Hey, I'm here with the much hotter woman I left you for.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - Aw, I don't know about much hotter. I like those poof balls on your sweater, Gina.

GINA - Thanks. Nice to see you both.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - My Nana had something like that in the 80s.

SIENNA - **runs to Matt** DADDY!!!!! You're here!!!!!

GINA - Wow, I never get a greeting like that.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - It must be because when she sees him it reminds her how much bigger our house is.

MATT - Nah, I think it has something to do with Gina's hair extensions. Their looseness reminds the kids of impermanence.

GINA - Can I get you guys anything? Soda? Wine?

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - I stopped drinking wine after your DUI. Was turned off the sauce for good once I saw how sad that whole thing was.

GINA - **whispers to her boyfriend Travis** Can you, like, help me out here? They're shitting all over me!

TRAVIS - I'm just here for the free Funfetti. **strokes his very dark beard**

Elizabeth Vargas has Shannon Beador and Gina Kirschenheiter over for lunch...

ELIZABETH - Welcome to my humble abode!

SHANNON - Beachfront, huh? In my day the beach had too many damn hippies. Rich folk stayed inland.

ELIZABETH - Huh. Well, I bought you guys lunch!

SHANNON - Whole Foods? I only shop at Bristol Farms.

ELIZABETH - Whole Foods is just closer, now that my Ferrari is in the shop.

SHANNON - My mother had a Ferrari.

GINA - Using your dead mother for a one-up is a new one.

SHANNON - What? She did!

ELIZABETH - Do you have some kind of issue with me, Shannon?

SHANNON'S DAUGTHER, SOPHIE - Hi, just passing by on my way to Baylor University. Her issue is that her new boyfriend is poor, and this makes her feel better about it.

ELIZABETH - Fair.

Braunwyn Burke-Windham's son Jacob tries on dresses for the family...

JACOB - What do you guys think?

BRAUNWYN - You look beautiful.

SEAN - Stunning.

ROWAN - Breathtaking.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Jesus doesn't like this. Boys should be boys and girls should be girls.

BRAUNWYN - Where the fuck did you come from?

VICKI GUNVALSON - I appear whenever something that doesn't follow strict gender guidelines happens in Orange County.

BRAUNWYN - Didn't you support every man you've every been with financially?

VICKI GUNVALSON - That's different, because I did it.

JACOB - Vicki, can you kindly leave our house now?

VICKI GUNVALSON - Yes, but just remember that Jesus loves you, until he doesn't.

SEAN - We're Jews.

VICKI GUNVALSON - They have those here?

THE END

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 17 - "Two Body Bags"

2020-11-09T20:51:00.002-06:00

John and Kristiana contemplate her return to prison...

KRISTIANA - Time to face the music. Time to do what must be done, no matter how much dread and terror I feel.

JOHN - Aw, don't get stressed about jail yet. First we get to have sex.

KRISTIANA - The sex is what I was talking about.

JOHN - Hey, my ex-wife's cousin said I was the third-best white Native American from Cresco she ever slept with.

KRISTIANA - Quite a rave review. **they do it**

KRISTIANA'S MOM - You two look like you just got done rollin' in the hay.

JOHN - That metaphor evoking dryness and a large pile of beige is actually pretty apt here.

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Too bad you gotta go back now, sis. Was nice seeing you again. **pushes Kristiana out the door** God, I thought i'd never get my spot on the couch between mom and the oxygen tank back again.

JOHN - Hey, did I ever tell you that my affair partner/ex-wife's cousin was also her sister? **winks**

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Ugh, fine. **does it with him**

Jessica tries on wedding dresses at Viero Bridal with her mother and friend...

JESSICA - How do I look?

JESSICA'S FRIEND - Have you ever imagined Gilbert Grape's mom in a milk bath? Like that.

JESSICA - Hey, now. I'm not just fat. I'm also pregnant.

JESSICA'S MOM - Really?

JESSICA - Yep. Excited?

JESSICA'S MOM - Eh, I was always hoping my first grandchild would be a Blood.

In the courthouse parking lot, after Shawn's proposal...

SHAWN - She said yes!

DESTINIE - I didn't say yes so much as I silently nodded with resignation as I contemplated a life without ever touching a vagina again.

SHAWN - I'll take what I can get.

DESTINIE - I have one condition.

SHAWN - Yes, I'll take out my top dentures each time I give oral.

DESTINIE - No. You have to keep me far away from your ex.

SHAWN - I can keep you two empty seats apart at the diner we're scheduled to meet her at in 30 minutes.

DESTINIE - Deal.

Lindsey's friend Tara visits...

LINDSEY - If you need us, we'll be upstairs.

SCOTT - No hanky panky up there, you two! HA!

LINDSEY - **rolls eyes** Get real, Scott. **they go upstairs and immediately scissor each other**

SCOTT - Twelve dollars of Groupon lip filler guaranteed to please a lady, flushed right down the toilet.

Heather kicks Dylan out of the car after their trip to the DMV...

HEATHER - Get out! And stay out! **peels away**

DYLAN - BUT I HAVE NOBODY!!!!!!!!

DYLAN'S MOM - Um, hello?

DYLAN - Oh yeah. You.

ROBIN, DYLAN'S AUNT - Um, hello?

DYLAN - You too, I guess.

ROBIN - If you wanted the attention of an older woman on oxygen, I could have taken you to watch me at one of those kiosks at the mall.

DYLAN'S MOM - Let me tell you a little something about life, son. If a meth head offers to take you to the DMV, you always say no.

ROBIN - She's learned that the hard away.

DYLAN - You guys are so, so wise.

THE END

Real Housewives of Orange County. Season 15, Ep 4 - "The Aftershock

2020-11-05T21:10:00.025-06:00

Kelly Dodd and Rick Levanthal move stuff upstairs in her new house...

KELLY - Man, it's wild out here in the suburbs. People, like, drop by.

RICK - Hopefully not when we're having one of our insane craycray nuts fuck seshes. **cops a feel**

**they hear a knock from downstairs**

EMILY SIMPSON - Hello, anybody home? It's me, Emily.

RICK - God damn it.

KELLY - Oh, hey. Come in. We'll be right down.

EMILY SIMPSON - I brought my original hip bone for us all to look at.

KELLY - Um, cool.

RICK - **whispers** She can probably keep herself busy down there for a few minutes. **massages the puffy shoulder on Kelly's sweater**

**another knock from downstairs**

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Knock, knock! It's me, Tamra Barney Judge! I was in the neighborhood and wanted to show you all how to do a 90-second plank!

RICK - I thought she wasn't even allowed on the show this season?

KELLY - She's not. But what can I do? It's the suburbs.

RICK - She has Emily to entertain her. **sticks his tongue down her throat**

**another knock from downstairs**

COLTON KEOUGH - Yoo hoo! Got a cup of sugar? It's me, Jeana Keough's youngest son Colton!

KELLY - Ok, I don't even know him.

RICK - I'm seeing this quickie slip away, much like the truth on Fox News.

**another knock from downstairs**

LOU KNICKERBOCKER - Howdy ho, neighbor! It's me, Tammy Knickerbocker's dead husband, Lou Knickerbocker! Just needed to stretch my legs!

KELLY - I'm moving.

After Braunwyn Windham-Burke's dramatic exist from Shannon's party, she waits outside, and spots Shannon's boyfriend's son...

BRAUNWYN - Hey Pomegranate Kid - go fetch my husband.

JOHN'S SON - They're lemons.

BRAUNWYN - Fine. Lemon kid.

JOHN'S SON - My name is Greg.

BRAUNWYN - Fine. Greg.

JOHN'S SON - It's pronounced Graig, like Barry Williams's character on the Brady Bu -

BRAUNWYN - FUCKING GO GET MY HUSBAND.

JOHN'S SON - Jeez. Touchy. **reenters the party to get Sean**

SEAN - **comes out from the party** Hi, honey. You sent for me?

BRAUNWYN - I left the party 30 minutes ago!

SEAN - Sorry. It was getting kind of fun in there.

BRAUNWYN - Can you go back in and get Gina?

SEAN - Why didn't you just ask Graig to get Gina, instead of asking for Graig to get me for me to go get Gina? .

BRAUNWYN - **pulls a flask of grain alcohol from her waistband**

SEAN - Ok, ok! I'll get her.

Gina Kischenheiter and Braunwyn talk outside the party...

GINA - Graig said you wanted to tawk to me.

BRAUNWYN - 30 days off alcohol and the name Greg no longer exists.

GINA - Hey now - that might be the next Ryan Veith you're talking about.

BRAUNWYN - I'm sorry I've been talking trash about you like I'm Donald Trump to your Rosie O'Donnell.

GINA - Are you calling me fat?

BRAUNWYN - NO! I'm saying you're the Vicky to my Slade Smiley stand up comedy hour.

GINA - Oh, so now my face looks like a pig's?

BRAUNWYN - NO! I'm saying I'm the kid throwing rocks at your Forrest Gump.

GINA - So I've got an IQ of 75 but received a perfect score in advanced physics class?

BRAUNWYN - Wow. You sure know that movie. No, I'm saying I was hurt by you telling people Sean came onto you, and I lashed out.

GINA - Lady, your husband sent me a winky face, so I told people.

BRAUNWYN - Believe me, you'd know if Sean was coming on to you, like when he drew a heart on a Starbucks receipt and dropped it in the vacant lot across the street from Heather Dubrow's hairstylist.

GINA - Ugh, SLEAZE.

Kelly Dodd approaches Shannon Beador and her elderly father...

SHANNON'S DAD - Hello, Kelly, Nice to see you again.

KELLY - How ya doin', fuck machine?

SHANNON - Kelly! That's my father! He has over 20 argyle sweaters!

KELLY - Whatever, just a little bit of fun word play. Right, fat cock master?

SHANNON - He donated a million to Reagan's campaign! Twice!

KELLY - Chill, dork. She's so uptight. Not like you. boss - bet your sphincter is loose as a goose.

SHANNON - What the - ?! He only stays up past 8 pm to watch the 700 Club!

KELLY - Alright, alright. You've got a point. Ahem - SIR - why don't you whip out that big fatty and slap me in the face with it?

SHANNON - **faints**

KELLY - What a prude.

THE END.

Love After Lockup Recap , Season 3 Ep 16 - "Highway to Hell"

2020-10-31T16:19:00.007-05:00

Maurice and Jessica tour wedding venues in Las Vegas...

MAURICE - What's the name of this venue?

WEDDING VENUE LADY - We call this the Crip Castle.

JESSICA - Really?

WEDDING VENUE LADY - No. But Warren G was a guest for his nephew's ceremony here in '05.

JESSICA - Do you have anything... less "we shared a frozen yard drink at Harrah's and then got bored"?

WEDDING VENUE LADY - Ah, you're looking for romance. Look no further. **leads them into the glass garden**

JESSICA - A water feature!

MAURICE - Plastic plants!

JESSICA - Cushioned pews!

MAURICE - Baby, this water feature is bringing out some emotions in me. You stood by me, and I appreciate it. You're carrying my baby, and I appreciate it. Your daddy showed me how to weld, and I appreciate it.

JESSICA - Move over, Cyrano.

MAURICE - Cyrano? Isn't he the guy that got shot outside the Chevron on Rosecrans?

JESSICA - I cannot wait for my extended Aryan relatives to meet you.

Heather and Dylan arrive at the DMV...

DYLAN - Hello, sir. I'm here to arrange for a state ID. You see, I was recently released from my unfortunate incarceration, and am now acclimating to life outside four walls, and I -

DMV DUDE - Pretty boy, nobody here gives a FUCK. We stopped working at 3 pm even though we close at 4.

HEATHER - That's the most Chicago thing I've ever heard.

DYLAN - But, but, but... my face. My hazel eyes.

DMV DUDE - That doesn't get you too far on the outside where men have access to actual women. You'll have to come back another time.

HEATHER - Oh, well. Guess now we have time to stop for a beef.

DYLAN - Maybe if you hadn't spent so much time putting on all that MAKEUP we could have gotten here before the time they stop working even though they're open for another hour.

HEATHER - Oh don't you dare. I didn't have quiet sex with my elderly aunt holding a cup against the door to be treated like this.

DYLAN - I'm going back to Aunt Diane's. At least there I'm given attentiveness, respect, and a few puffs from the oxygen tank when I'm feeling lethargic. **starts walking away**

HEATHER - GET IN THIS CAR.

DYLAN - Ok.

HEATHER - **starts to drive** AHHHHH!!! FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS GO PRO! **jumps the curb**

DYLAN - My face! My hair! Please be careful!

HEATHER - **with a needle stuck in her arm** IF YOU LIKE AUNT DIANE YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MEETING AUNT DEBRA IN HEAVEN!

**to be continued**

In Dubuque, Iowa, a bastion of crime-ridden hopelessness...

KRISITANNA'S MOM - I hope you've thought better of your idea to knock on random doors on the mean streets of Dubuque.

KRISITANNA'S SISTER - This is Iowa. People will sometimes not add "very much" after they say thank you.

JOHN - Damn.

KRISITANNA'S MOM - All I know is, I'm thankful to finally not be the only person on this season of the show on oxygen.

JOHN - Well, you've got something else to be thankful for. I've found my gorgeous delicate angel princess.

KRISITANNA - Sup, fuckers.

KRISITANNA'S MOM - **with absolutely no emotion on her face** My baby. She's home. I'm so happy one side of my mouth might rise slightly.

KRISITANNA - Hi mom. Hi Sis. This very authentic Native American man has done the impossible and brought me home.

JOHN - It's the fringe. It has that effect.

KRISITANNA - Whelp, back to jail.

Shavel and Quaylon discuss where Quaylon should live...

SHAVEL - You should live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - But my family wants me to stay in Texas. My barber is in Texas.

SHAVEL - I want you to live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - I'd prefer to stay in Texas with Qualandria, my mother whose name is very similar to my own.

SHAVEL - Ok. But please move to Kansas City.

QUAYLON - It's really better if I live in Texas.

**they continue this fascinating argument for an entire season**

Outside the courthouse...

DESTINIE - So that's it. I'm going back to prison.

SHAWN - You gotta think positive. I believed I could have top dentures, and now I do.

DESTINIE - Fuck off with this positive-thinking stuff. You know what my "secret" is? You're a low-energy douche.

DESTINIE - Now that's just mean. All I've ever done is have six kids on the low and treat you with kindness.

DESTINIE - Ok, you're right.

SHAWN - Will you marry me?

DESTINIE - Will you put a few bucks in my commissary each month for 80 percent ethyl alcohol hand sanitizer?

SHAWN - Every month for the next seven to 10.

DESTINIE - I do.

THE END.

Catfish, Season 8, Episode 2 - "Alfred & Adonis"

2020-01-25T22:29:00.002-06:00

Nev and Kamie skye with Alfred's brother...

ALFRED'S BROTHER - Nev, my brother left his partner of six years to be with Adonis.

NEV - The Greek God of Desire? Hell, who wouldn't?

ALFRED'S BROTHER - No, that's just his name. He's actually a retired army cadet with a penchant for men in visors.

NEV - Oh.

ALFRED'S BROTHER - Alfred's throwing his happy life away for a stranger!

NEV - Let's talk to him.

ALFRED - **appears on camera** Hi. I'm Alfred. And I'm very unhappy in my life.

ALFRED'S BROTHER - Ok, so I got one little detail wrong.

Nev and Kamie drive up to Alfred's house in Sanford, North Carolina...

KAMIE - Remember when we had to stay in that shitty hotel with only one desk chair?

NEV - Remember how we have the second-lowest MTV budget next to "Young and Pregnant"?

KAMIE - Touche.

NEV - Before we get out of the car, let me house this manatee-sized dark Kit Kat. It's that time of the month.

KAMIE - Nev, they're out here waiting.

NEV - FUCK! I JUST WANT TO EAT MY FUCKING GODDMAN COCOA TREAT! **exits the car** Hello, so lovely to meet you all.

ALFRED - It appears that word is all over Sanford, North Carolina that you guys are in town. This is so embarrassing.

NEV - I don't see what's embarrassing about people you have to see regularly knowing that you're gullible and desperate enough to form a "relationship" with someone on the internet who doesn't exist.

**silence**

NEV - Look on the bright side. You get to appear on a network that airs "Ex on a Peak."

After extensive research at the Red Roof Inn...

KAMIE - Let's call this Dom guy.

NEV - Looks like he's already Facebook videochatting us.

KAMIE - That's a thing?

DOM - **on camera** Whoa, Is it really you?

NEV - Yes. **smiles smugly** Yes, it is.

DOM - The Bazinga guy from the science sitcom?

NEV - No, I'm Nev from Catfish. You twat.

DOM - Bummer.

NEV - Listen, are you fucking with a guy named Alfred?

DOM - Once met an Arnold on Grindr.

NEV - And we've got a lead!

KAMIE - Nev, this is not a lead

NEV - . Hey, who's been the expert in making high-quality television for over six years?

KAMIE - Ummm. the Bazinga guy?

NEV - Fuck you.

Alfred's ex Antonnio confronts Alfred on Alfred's front lawn...

ANTONNIO - Hey, I heard Catfish is in town.

ALFRED - This is North Carolina. Someone's always serving catfish.

ANTONNIO - Oh, you think that's cute? Always acting like an ass.

ALFRED - I will knock that visor off your head, dick!

ANTONNIO - DO IT!

ALFRED - I will! Besides, that's my visor! Another thing I hate about you, always raiding my damn closet!

ANTONNIO - I AM ADONIS! **record scratch**

ALFRED - What did you say?

NEV - Oh no. This is bad.

Kamie and Nev sit down with Antonnio to get the scoop...

KAMIE - So why did you catfish your own partner?

ANTONNIO - He wanted oral sex at least once a month. I'm not a machine!

NEV - Damn, dude's got the libido of Dame Judi Dench.

ANTONNIO - Right?! It's like, chill, bro!

ALFRED - **walks in** Look, Antonnio. It's your favorite visor on me.

ANTONNIO - The turquoise one? Aw.

NEV - Can't you guys work this out? Move all the kids back into Antonnio's?

ALFRED - I don't see why not.

KAMIE - Well, the person who's supposed to be your biggest advocate and most trusted partner lied to you and deceived you into thinking -

NEV - Shhhhh. Like, I said, high-quality television.

ANTONNIO - I love you, Alfred.

ALFRED - I love you, "Adonis". **winks**

The End.

Catfish, Season 8, Episode 1 - "Red & Jalissa"

2020-01-11T19:15:00.001-06:00

Nev meets his partner for the episode...

NEV SCHULMAN - I'm going to be honest. When production told me you were this episode's partner, I had to google you.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - When my agent told me I was going to be on Catfish, I had to google it to confirm it's still on the air.

NEV SCHULMAN - Fair.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - So where's the Silver Fox?

NEV SCHULMAN - Huh?

KAMIE CRAWFORD - The gray haired dude. Mel, or whatever.

NEV SCHULMAN - I don't know who you're talking about.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Nev, it's ok. **hugs him** Let it out.

NEV SCHULMAN - **weeps** It's... so... hard.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - He's always around. In your heart.

NEV SCHULMAN - You're really wise, for someone in your twenties. I mean, I'm in my twenties, too, but, like, later than you twenties.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - You sure play fast and loose with the definition of a decade.

NEV SCHULMAN - 39 is the new 27.

They sit down at the Value Inn in Bellflower, California...

NEV SCHULMAN - So, today we got a message from a friend of a friend of a friend of someone named Red.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Chick's got a lot of friends.

NEV SCHULMAN - Once you see her scarlet track suit, you'll see why. **shows pic**

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Ok, that's fly.

NEV SCHULMAN - Red is in love with Tamar Braxton.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Wait. **looks at the email** It says here she's in love with Tamar Braxton's hairstylist.

NEV SCHULMAN - What?! We're really scooping the bottom of the instagram barrel here. Can't we at least get JLaw's cobbler?

KAMIE CRAWFORD - **shows a pic of Tamar's hair**

NEV SCHULMAN - Ah, ok. That hairstylist deserves all the poon she wants.

They meet up with Red at a salon...

HAIRSTYLIST - Hello. I'm Toni Braxton's hairstylist.

NEV SCHULMAN - We have it on good authority that you're Catfishing my friend here.

HAIRSTYLIST - **sees Kami** Well, HELLO.

NEV SCHULMAN - No, not her. Her. **points to Red**

RED - Hi.

HAIRSTYLIST - Not now, not ever.

NEV SCHULMAN - Ouch.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Nev, this is Toni's hairstylist. We're looking for Tamar's.

NEV SCHULMAN - This is all falling apart. I need Max.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Breathe, buddy. Just breathe.

Back at the Bellflower Value Inn...

NEV SCHULMAN - Time for our extensive internet research. First, I am going to go to www.Google.com.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - High level stuff, right here.

NEV SCHULMAN - Then, I'm going to type: "Tamar Braxton" in quotes, with the word "hairstylist."

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Christ. We're going to be here all night.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Next, I click control, c.

KAMIE CRAWFORD -  JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN PHONE. **dials Tamar's friend Shekina, talks for a minute** Uh huh. So you've never talked to a lesbian named Red? But you know who did, and it's a woman named Ashley Taylor in Austin, TX. You're the best! **hangs up** Found the Catfish.

NEV SCHULMAN - You've got a lot to learn about drawing out a story for entertainment.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Trust me, nobody was entertained.

NEV SCHULMAN -  **starts to cry**

KAMIE CRAWFORD -  Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, bro.

Red, Nev, and Kamie prepare to meet Ashley in a public park...

NEV SCHULMAN - Ready to meet Ms. Ashley Taylor?

RED - I'm in my scarlet track suit. Duh.

ASHLEY TAYLOR - Hey, fuckers.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - You kiss your mother with that mouth?

ASHLEY TAYLOR - MY MOTHER NEEDS ROUND THE CLOCK HOME CARE, YOU CUNT.

NEV SCHULMAN - Well, this is going well.

They follow up with Ashley a few months later via Skype...

NEV SCHULMAN - Have you come out of the closet yet?

ASHLEY TAYLOR - Halfway.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Good for you. That's 50% more than Nev.

NEV SCHULMAN - What about your 13,000 fake profiles?

ASHLEY TAYLOR - I now have 13,000 real profiles, that each deal with a distinct aspect of my personality.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - That's a... lot of aspects.

ASHLEY TAYLOR - #10,343 is called "I was married and bored."

NEV SCHULMAN - Like the majority of people hanging out on the internet.

ASHLEY TAYLOR - Bro, the sadness of losing your best friend is, like, seeping out of your pores.

NEV SCHULMAN - **eyes well up**

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Nev.

NEV SCHULMAN - Sorry. I thought it would start to get easier.

THE END.

90 Day Fiance, Episode 7 Recap - "The Truth Shall Set You Free"

2019-12-15T22:15:00.000-06:00

Anny and Robert look for a new apartment...

APARTMENT LEASING LADY - Welcome to the Cypress Breeze Gator Dumps Apartments.

ANNY - Very Florida-sounding. Me gusta.

APARTMENT LEASING LADY - On your right, you'll see a lake.

ANNY - Oooooh.

APARTMENT LEASING LADY - On your left, behind you, and in front of you, you'll see a concrete wall. 1980s architecture sure was something.

ANNY - Yes, yes.

APARTMENT LEASING LADY - Now here is the actual unit, with a kitchen that's been recently updated.

ANNY - Give it to me, baby. Uh huh. Uh huh.

APARTMENT LEASING LADY - And here is a second bedroom, where obnoxious pony-tailed children can sleep by themselves.

ANNY - We'll take it!

ROBERT - Hey, hey, wait a second. I just signed a year-long lease at the one-bedroom place.

ANNY - What's a lease?

APARTMENT LEASING LADY - **explains in Spanish**

ANNY - WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU SHOW ME THIS APARTMENT I CANNOT HAVE.

ROBERT -  Do you love me, or do you just love having a bed away from my son who only wants to hug on you from behind all night?

ANNY - Um, BOTH?!

ROBERT - You gold-digger! Only after my phat Uber dollars!

ANNY - Jesu Cristo, I'm gonna be stuck in this bed with Bryson until he's old enough to get erections against my back!

ROBERT - You should be so lucky!

APARTMENT LEASING LADY - Mmmkay, this just took a weird turn. **sneaks out**

Emily, Sasha and Baby David arrive in the United States...

EMILY - American soil! Sweet, sweet American soil. **bends down and licks the ground**

EMILY'S SISTER - That's not soil. That's an empty Doritos bag on the floor of O'Hare Terminal 5.

EMILY'S MOM - Hey, you gotta admit, that is a uniquely American thing to do.

SASHA - STOP! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!

EMILY'S MOM - Sasha, you're gonna see a lot of... things, now that you're in the American Midwest. And one of those things is extreme, glorious gluttony.

EMILY - There is a diner a few miles from here that serves bacon-wrapped deep-fried Sloppy Joe.

SASHA - Who is this, Sloppy Joe?

**Emily shows him a picture of a Sloppy Joe on her phone. Sasha passes out**

EMILY'S SISTER -  Well, David seems into it. **David gurgles**

Michael and Juliana discuss a prenuptual agreement...

JULIANA - I don't understand this word "pre-nup".

MICHAEL - If we get divorced, I can't give you all the money from my Connecticut wine empire. CeeCee and Max need funds for UFC lessons and wind chime-making class, respectively.

JULIANA - In my country, marriage is for life. Except for my first marriage. And Karine and Paul. And Larisa and Coltee.

MICHAEL - But what if, like, somebody scars your face in an acid attack? What am I supposed to do then?

JULIANA - Love me?

MICHAEL - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You.

Anna's friends take her out for a bachelorette party...

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - So, is Mursel kicking it to you hard with that Turkish Delight? HALE YES!

ANNA -  I mean, I wouldn't call it hard, exactly. And "delight" is a stretch...

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #2 - But at least he's giving you that good-good-oral-yum-yum, HOLLLLEEERRRRR.

ANNA - Er...

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - Wait, not even that?

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #2 - Oh, fuck, girl.

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - So... what's he good for, exactly?

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #2 - Certainly not conversation.

MOTHER OF TATTED FRIEND #2 - Not much in the looks department.

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - Can't relate to children or adults.

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #3 - Hey, everybody! Stop! Just stop!

ANNA - Thank you, Tatted Nebraska Friend #3. I was starting to feel attacked.

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #3 - Think about it, guys. All these things you claim Mursel doesn't have? Anna doesn't have either!

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - Hey, you're right!

TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #3 -  I mean, this relationship is a match made in heaven!

**women stand up and clap**

EVERYBODY - Mursel and Anna forever!

ANNA - You guys are the best.

Natalie drives Mike to Ukrainian church...

NATALIE - Today, we go to church with this stuffed unicorn.

MIKE - A unicorn is a good choice for a conversation about God. Two things that don't exist.

NATALIE - I know one way to get you to believe in God. **drives onto the wrong entrance ramp and into oncoming traffic on the highway**

MIKE - ANCIENT ALIENS OF PLANET ZEZANU, PLEASE PROTECT ME!

**car magically changes course and ends up in the correct lane**

NATALIE - Shit. That wasn't what was supposed to happen.

MIKE - **shrugs**

THE END.

Summer House Recap, Season 3, Episode 4 - "Pantry Passion"

2019-03-27T21:14:00.001-05:00

The group goes out to dinner...

KYLE - Not to start shit—I would NEVER start shit—but Jordan showed us some screenshots the other night...

HANNAH - We've already seen the one where Jonathan Cheban says "nice pic" on the Hinge motorcycle Instagram post.

JORDAN - Heh, that's a good one.

KYLE - No, this is one in which he is claiming Paige is into him and his weird abs.

PAIGE - Into JORDAN?!?

JORDAN - You know you want these. **lifts his shirt to show his weird abs**

PAIGE - We work together. I don't shit where I film myself wearing white pumps in front of a dumpster.

CARL - Ooooh, I'm finding this side of you very sexy, Paige.

PAIGE - Oh yeah? **giggles**

LINDSAY - Carl, care to join me outside? Talking about our long-term plans on the street seems most appropriate in the middle of a group dinner on a Friday night after you've just indicated your interest in someone.

CARL  - Um, sure.

LINDSAY -  **outside** So, what do you really want in this world?

CARL -  A wife. Kids. A job that doesn't require me to go to networking events at the Doubletree conference room.

LINDSAY - Good. At least shoot for the Westin.

CARL  - Can I... ...go back inside now?

LINDSAY -  Yes.

Back at the house, Danielle corners Jordan in the kitchen...

DANIELLE - Pucker up, big boy.

JORDAN - Not in the kitchen.

DANIELLE - But the kitchen is the sexiest place in the home. Ever watch The Barefoot Contessa?

JORDAN - Helllllooo, DUH! Er, I meant, who?

DANIELLE - Let's try this again. Pucker up, big b—

JORDAN - Listen, I didn't think my penis could retreat further into my body than when we made out on July 4th. But here we are.

DANIELLE - I'm starting to get the impression you're not into me.

The gang takes a party bus to a winery...

LINDSAY - Dancing on a pole!

AMANDA - Making out!

KYLE - Chugging Fireball!

JORDAN - Telling a made-up story about how a woman licked my ass right after I lost my virginity and I kicked her in the face and she fell off a bunk bed!

CARL - So which part of that story was made up?

JORDAN - The part where it was a woman.

CARL - Your secret's safe with me. Unlike SOME PEOPLE.

STEPHEN - **jumps out from under a seat** WE WERE ON A REALITY SHOW!!!!

Back at the house, Carl and Paige find themselves alone in the kitchen...

CARL - I really liked the way you fed that horse in front of the sign that said do not feed the horse.

PAIGE - What can I say? I live on the edge.

CARL - Would you like to follow me into the pantry?

PAIGE - Last time someone said that to me, I ended up eating 16 ounces of dry linguine.

CARL - You are a fascinating creature with very long nails and very yellow clothes. **they make out**

The End.

Summer House Recap, Season 3, Episode 3 - "Firework Starter"

2019-03-20T21:05:00.001-05:00

The gang hits the beach...

DANIELLE - Well, I've got to go catch a train. Big presentation in Milwaukee this week.

HANNAH - I thought it was Chicago.

DANIELLE - That was last week. My company was created specifically to give presentations in Midwestern markets. **leaves**

LINDSAY - So, Jordan, how was hooking up with Danielle?

JORDAN - It was just a make-out. I've gone further with my cousin Chad.

LINDSAY - But who do you like more? Paige or Danielle? And, yes, I am well into my 30s, why do you ask.

JORDAN - To put it kindly, Paige is the one you take to internet church while you facetime with your grandma.

PAIGE - Aw.

JORDAN - And Danielle is the one you throw into a trash heap on Sunday, two days before it's picked up by Streets and San.

KYLE - He's got a way with words, this one.

Kyle and Amanda visit the plant of their new beverage venture, while the manufacturer prepares a tasting...

KYLE - I'm feeling good about this venture. It's another Four Loko in the making.

BEVERAGE MANUFACTURER - **to Amanda** And you're his partner?

AMANDA - I'm just here to support him by criticizing his drinking habits.

KYLE - That's all she ever does. Literally.

AMANDA - One time I chopped vegetables passive-aggressively.

KYLE - You see, I cheated on her.

AMANDA - He cheated on me. But he was blacked out.

KYLE - And I regret it. I'm never gonna find taters like this on another girl.

AMANDA - Aw. That's sweet. **they kiss **

BEVERAGE MANUFACTURER - Do you two want to, uh, taste the product? **looks at his watch**

KYLE - This guy's got a lot to learn about products developed solely for the sake of a reality show storyline.

The bros have bro time at the house...

KYLE - Bro time, Bro!

CARL - Send it!

JORDAN -  It's already been sended!

CARL - Lit!

KYLE - Fleek!

CARL - Millennial term I might be too old to use!

KYLE - But seriously. Jordan, tell us about the inner workings of your heart. Have you found love this summer?

JORDAN -  You may have heard my trash heap metaphor earlier. It still stands.

DANIELLE - **pops out of nowhere** Hey, guys!

JORDAN -  Fucknuts.

DANIELLE - Don't worry, I didn't hear. Oxy.

JORDAN -   I know which pharmaceutical company I'm giving thanks to during my next internet church session.

Danielle meets the girls out for dinner...

LINDSAY - Hey, just to follow up on the mountain of humiliation we've piled upon you, Jordan isn't in to you.

HANNAH - He said it to all of us. And now we are saying it to you.

DANIELLE - If I was capable of thinking about anything beyond "the D", I'd be extremely upset with the immature way this has been communicated.

**the girls awkwardly sip their drinks**

DANIELLE - But I'm not. Party on, Wayne! **they toast**

The gang comes home after a long day of drinking to find Hannah in bed...

PAIGE - Man oh man, do you miss out by not doing coke.

HANNAH - It's ok. I was ranked 15th in the country in tennis in high school.

PAIGE - This has nothing to do with tennis. At all.

HANNAH - Everything has to do with tennis.

EVERETT - **sneaking into Lindsey's room** Lindsey, it's time to make some Love.

HANNAH - See?

THE END.

Summer House Recap, Season 3, Episode 2 - "Cloudy with a Chance of Arguments"

2019-03-13T21:43:00.001-05:00

Amanda and Kyle talk about their relationship...

AMANDA - Are you ready to grow up? I'm 22. The clock is ticking.

KYLE - Yes. Plus, I need you to move in with me. I've learned guacamole won't make itself.

AMANDA -  Just know that once you lose my trust, you can never get it back. Unless you black out and sleep with another girl. Then I will trust you right away and post coupley pics on social media.

KYLE -  Can we stage a pic where you're looking down and tucking your hair behind your ear, and I'm kissing the top of your head in front of a graffiti wall?

AMANDA - It's already on the calendar for the third Man Crush Monday in April.

KYLE - Made for each other.

Carl gets to the summer house...

CARL - Sales. Quotas. Quotas. Sales. **walks in on Jordan masturbating to internet church** WHOA!

JORDAN - I, uh, was just listening to a virtual sermon. I'm very spiritual.

CARL - I'll say.

JORDAN - Please don't tell anyone. I have a very macho, manly image to protect.

CARL - Don't worry. You caught me at the end of the quarter. Sales. Quotas. Quotas. Sales. **walks out**

JORDAN - Damn you, sexy Joel Osteen.

On the beach, the gang prepares for a confrontation...

JORDAN - Hey, uh, what's that sport people play with paddles on the beach?

HANNAH - Tennis?

JORDAN - No, NOT tennis. A personality would serve you well.

PAIGE - Jordan, that was a very sassy quip.

JORDAN -  Aw, thank you, dear. **clams up** Er, I meant, MANLY GRUNT.  **they leave before shit goes down**

LINDSAY - Let's clear the air.

KYLE - Sorry. That guacamole is potent.

DANIELLE - No, she means about our very adult feud about internet validation.

KYLE - I can't believe you unfollowed Amanda on Instagram. On one Flashback Friday, she posted a collage of me when I was five and her when she was five. And you missed that.

LINDSAY - You're right. Here, in front of the ocean and that syringe over there, I promise to never miss another Wine Down Wednesday or Tickle Taint Tuesday again.

KYLE - That's all I ask.

The house occupants throw a 4th of July party...

KYLE - There is no day of the year better for partying than the day our forefathers freed the slaves and ratified the constitution of the amendments.

AMANDA - Ooooh history talk. VERY grown up.

DANIELLE - **to Lindsay** You know, I don't know if Jordan can handle me. I am a mythical mermaid creature who doubles as the most boring person on Earth.

LINDSAY - Well, he did just "get it in the hole" while we were playing bags.

DANIELLE - Did you just use a sexual entendre about Jordan? Oh god, you love him, too!

LINDSAY - I don't know if you've noticed, but lame sexual entendres make up 35% of the show.

DANIELLE -  If you like him, I'll back off. Clits before closet cases.

LINDSAY - I mean, I like him, but—

DANIELLE - Sweet, thanks. **makes out with Jordan**

THE END.

Summer House Recap, Season 3, Episode 1 - "Elephant in the Room"

2019-03-06T22:03:00.000-06:00

Lindsay and Danielle meet in "the city" before driving to the Hamptons...

LINDSAY HUBBARD - I need some rosé, girl! Being a public relations rep for a laundromat in the "Big Apple" is soooo stressful.

DANIELLE OLIVERA - Oh, wow. You look, um, different.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Oh, these old things?

DANIELLE OLIVERA - More like those new things.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Just bench presses and Victoria's Secret.

DANIELLE OLIVERA - And I'm an interesting person.

At the house, Kyle and Amanda discuss how Lindsay and Danielle unfollowed Amanda on social media...

KYLE COOKE - Those bitches still follow The Fat Jewish, for fuck's sake.

AMANDA BATULA - They still follow Boo, and Boo's dead!

KYLE COOKE - This will not stand. I know what I have to do.

AMANDA BATULA - Confront them face to face?

KYLE COOKE - What year is this, 1987? I will write them a 17-page email.

AMANDA BATULA - Lindsay's never read anything longer than the instructions on a box of Nice 'n Easy Born Blonde.

KYLE COOKE - Eh, I've got time on my hands. The free-balling shorts business has been slow, shockingly.

Carl arrives at the house...

CARL RADKE - It's me, Carl. I'm a changed man.

KYLE COOKE - Teeth whitening is a big step, but I wouldn't go as far as "changed man".

CARL RADKE - I'm no longer a fuck boy. Now I wait at least 30 minutes after having sex with a woman before I have sex with a different woman.

LAUREN WIRKUS - **appears, throws a cake in Carl's face**

CARL RADKE - I thought you weren't on the show this season.

LAUREN WIRKUS - I'm not. I've been living in the bushes, waiting for the opportunity to seek vengeance on behalf of all womankind.

CARL RADKE - Your face has been looking significantly less Michael Jackson-y lately.

LAUREN WIRKUS - **pulls down her pants.** Take me now.

CARL RADKE - Ok. **they do it**

Lindsay and Danielle arrive at the house to find Amanda cooking...

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Oh, you're chopping vegetables.

KYLE COOKE - Yeah, now that we're a COUPLE we're super MATURE and do things like chop vegetables.

AMANDA BATULA - We thought we'd have dinner at the house tonight.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Aw, man. This puts us in a tough spot. My high-profile client The Wiener Wagon offered us free tater bites with the purchase of a jumbo wiener boat.

AMANDA BATULA - I mean, I've been slaving over a hot stove all day, but if you really want to go -

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Bye. **Danielle, Carl, Lindsay and Hannah leave**

The lame people eat dinner at the house...

KYLE COOKE - This is soooooo much better than going out in the Hamptons on a Friday night, right, everybody?

PAIGE DESORBO - You know how my parents are so Catholic they don't let me use tampons? They're more fun than this dinner.

HANNAH BERNER - I wish I was Monica Seles right now.

AMANDA BATULA - Aw, she's your tennis idol?

HANNAH BERNER - WHEN SHE WAS BEING STABBED.

JORDAN VERROI - Guys, perk up. We have asparagus. We can smell each other's pee in an hour to see if the rumor is true.

KYLE COOKE - Who the fuck is this guy?

AMANDA BATULA - The bar for "Stephen Replacement" was set pretty low.

KYLE COOKE - I see that.

After their night out, Lindsay, Danielle, and Hannah hit the hot tub...

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Stick with us, instead of those young, beautiful people, and you'll really go places.

DANIELLE OLIVERA - Places like The Wiener Wagon.

HANNAH BERNER - I did enjoy those tater bites.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - See, we unfollowed Amanda because they keep posing as the perfect couple, but Kyle cheated on her while he was blacked out.

HANNAH BERNER - So, if he was blacked out, to his knowledge, they're still the perfect couple?

DANIELLE OLIVERA -Hmmm, you're sure starting to sound like one of the young, beautiful people in the house.

HANNAH BERNER - No, please, I didn't mean it!

LINDSAY HUBBARD - You're learning, Grasshopper. Very good.

To be continued...

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap, Season 9, Episode 13 - "Camels, Cabo and Catflights"

2019-01-31T11:17:00.001-06:00

At dinner in Cabo....

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Jennifer, I'm sorry I said your lips look like a monkey's asshole. I should have said butthole to be less crass.

JENNIFER AYDIN - Apology accepted. But I still think you and your mom are whores.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - We may be whores, but that's better than having a husband who's been accepting BJs from that male Ken doll dude from Botched.

JENNIFER AYDIN - Okay, now you've crossed the line. He has his own patients who would offer him BJs —how dare you suggest he would stoop to the level of poaching a patient from Dr. Nassif and Dr. Dubrow?!?

MARGARET JOSEPHS - You're right. I said that to hurt you. Your husband is capable of procuring his own patients to accept BJs from.

JENNIFER AYDIN - That's very mature of you. Thank you.

DANIELLE STAUB - Well, this is disappointing.

The next day...

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - Ladies, I have the best idea for an activity that's the most Mexican of Mexican things you can think of.

TERESA GIUDICE - Tacoses?

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - Noooo....

MARGARET JOSEPHS - An authentic rebozo-weaving class?

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - No. But I guess that would have been good, too.

DANIELLE STAUB - I know! A Dirty Sanchez!

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - No, you slut. CAMEL RIDES!

**silence**

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - We'll make the guide refer to himself with a Middle-Eastern name?

JENNIFER AYDIN - Oh ok, sounds fun.

MELISSA GORGA - Agreed. It will be a perfect opportunity to make lots of dated Sex in the City-era jokes about humps.

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - That's the spirit.

At dinner...

DANIELLE STAUB - Hey remember how Jennifer and Margaret were being mature and offering and accepting apologies? I don't like that.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Oh, I forgot you're here.

DANIELLE STAUB - I'm here but you know who isn't? YOUR KIDS.

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - It's not ok to bring children into it.

DANIELLE STAUB - I bring my children into it all the time. Usually they just watch from the closet.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - **throws wine at Danielle** I would throw a table, but this is all the energy I can muster.

TERESA GIUDICE - Amateur.

DANIELLE STAUB - Oh yeah? **breaks glass**

MELISSA GORGA - **picks glass shards out of her chin** Jennifer, that was a rude thing to do.

JENNIFER AYDIN - To quote Shaggy and my husband when I found a photo of him in a compromising position with a penile-implant patient, it wasn't me!

DANIELLE STAUB - It was me. Come at me, bro.

MELISSA GORGA - Will do. If only so I can abandon my secret sister storyline. **lunges at Danielle**

To be continued...

Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 9, Episode 3 - "The Jersey Breakfast Club"

2018-11-25T18:46:00.000-06:00

The ladies eat dinner in Oklahoma...

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - And then I started to weigh everything I ate. Once I put a whole brisket on the scale. You can imagine the cleanup.

MELISSA GORGA - I have a secret sister.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - WHAT?! A secret sister?!

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - Anorexia nervosa, it's called.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Melissa, tell us more!

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - I'll likely struggle with it forever.

MELISSA GORGA - Well, the fortune teller said there's more to my family than I realize, and it just so turns out that my dead dad stuck his sausage in every Jersey skank this side of Beverly Merrill, so, yes. I have a secret sister.

JENNIFER AYDIN - Sounds like a great guy.

MELISSA GORGA - Hey, he was "colorful."

TERESA GIUDICE - **mutters under her breath** Bitch is all worried about a ghost sister but can't even make her husband call his own father.

MELISSA GORGA - What was that, Tre?

TERESA GIUDICE - Nothing. Hey, everybody, look! Jackie's not even eating her food!

MARGARET JOSEPHS - You're not hungry, Jackie?

MELISSA GORGA - My secret sister would eat everything on her plate. If she was here.

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - This is fun. Great group.

At breakfast...

JENNIFER AYDIN - Love the biscuits and gravy, Patty.

POLLY - It's Polly.

TERESA GIUDICE - I agree, Penny. If only NONNO could eat BISCUITS AND GRAVY but he CAN'T because his SON'S WIFE won't tell her HUSBAND to call his father and now he only eats PASTA.

MELISSA GORGA - Oh, so now it all comes out.

TERESA GIUDICE -You know what else comes out? TEARS from Nonno's EYES and now Gia has to follow him around with a MOP because it's DANGEROUS FOR THE CHILDREN.

MELISSA GORGA - That makes absolutely no sense.

TERESA GIUDICE - Oh yeah? Too bad NONNO can't make sense because he's sitting around all day WAITING FOR HIS SON TO CALL and his brain is MUSH.

MELISSA GORGA - So you're saying I should control my husband?

TERESA GIUDICE - YEAH! In Italy, wives tell the husbands what to do, and they DO IT! Even if it's to eat DOG SHIT OFF THE GROUND.

MELISSA GORGA - This is an Italian tradition that is very new to me.

TERESA GIUDICE - Well, there's Skinny Italian, and then there's NOT-VERY-GOOD-WIFE ITALIAN!

POLLY - Anybody want more eggs?

TERESA GIUDICE - Shut up, Perry.

DOLORES CATANIA - Melissa, first you don't tell your husband to eat pasta off the floor, and now you're disrespecting our host?

MELISSA GORGA - But that was Teresa who just told Petey to shut up!

POLLY - It's Poll-

DOLORES CATANIA - Wow, Melissa. Just wow.

Margaret meets with Polly to discuss her new business venture...

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Remember when we met at that clothes convention? And you said, Margaret, you're going to be the creator of the next tearaway wind pants?

POLLY - I do not remember that.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Well, you did. And here I am, with Hospital Gowns for Kids that Look Like Costumes of Real Occupations™.

POLLY - Catchy.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Right?

POLLY - I do know one thing. With the eyes of a child, you can accomplish anything.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Pammy, I got to say. That sounds really dumb.

POLLY - Polly.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Ooooh, a parrot-themed hospital gown! I'm into it.

THE END.

Real Housewives of Orange County Season 13, Episode 18 - "Femme Finale"

2018-11-23T20:24:00.002-06:00

Emily picks her mother up from the airport...

EMILY SIMPSON - Well, Mom, now that you're out of the CRAZY HOSPITAL™ I'm really excited for you to meet the boys for the very first time.

EMILY'S MOM - I met them the second they came out of your sister's vagina.

EMILY - God, what I wouldn't give for my daughter to have a sister who could push my daughter's children out of her vagina just like me and my sister.

EMILY'S MOM - You know, they have double rooms at the therapy center.

EMILY SIMPSON - You mean CRAZY HOSPITAL™ **smiles at camera**.

EMILY'S MOM - Sure.

Emily's mom arrives at the Simpson non-casita...

EMILY SIMPSON - Welcome to the Femme Fatale party where we celebrate mothers even though the Wikipedia page of Femme Fatale explicitly states that femme fatales rejected motherhood.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - In a way, I rejected motherhood. Look at how Ryan turned out.

RYAN BARNEY JUDGE VIETH - Mom, I'm right here. Me and my nugget tattoo are right here.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - I thought I told you never to call me that in public.

EMILY SIMPSON - Come, have some slut-themed jalapeno poppers.

SHANE SIMPSON - Hi, CRAZY MOM™. **gives awkward side hug to Emily's mom**

EMILY'S MOM - Is it possible to be more than 100% gay?

SHANE SIMPSON - Hey, it's not gay if you looked at pictures of Edward Cullen to provide your sperm sample. He's a vampire and, therefore, not really a man or woman.

EMILY'S MOM - I wish I was back in therapy, where things were a little more cut and dry.

EMILY SIMPSON - You mean CRAZY HOSPITAL™ **smiles at camera**.

On the lanai...

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - I've worn these boots twice in my life. Once to make Tierra Crabgrass, and once to make lasagna for my parents.

SHANNON BEADOR - I hate to interrupt, but I need to have a word with you and Emily before I go to the BRET MICHAELS CONCERT.

**silence**

SHANNON BEADOR - Please, hold the cupcakes, because I'm going to the BRET MICHAELS CONCERT and he has diabetes.

**silence**

SHANNON BEADOR - On second thought, don't hold the cupcakes. **stuffs three in her mouth**

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Cut to the chase, Shannon. I have a casita to sadly sit in.

SHANNON BEADOR - **swallows** Ok. Emily, I think it's crap that you're telling people that I'm mentally ill when you told Kelly you were going to kill her TWICE.

KELLY DODD - To be fair, twice is low for me.

SHANNON BEADOR - I'd love to keep fighting, but I must be off. To the BRET MICHAELS CONCERT.

**silence**

SHANNON BEADOR - Rock of Love Bus? Rock of Love Bus II? Anybody?

**silence**

SHANNON BEADOR - Fuck ALL OF YOU.

The season wraps up...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Time for that soothing acoustic music and a where-are-they-now update that says I am engaged to Steve.

STEVE LODGE - Yeah, about that...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Oh nooooo.

STEVE LODGE - But, the lower half of your face looks sooooo cool. Really, um, taut. And, uh, glib.

KELLY DODD - I think what he's trying to say is that you have an MBA. Mandible of Big-time Attraction.

VICKI GUNVALSON - I'll take it.

THE END.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Season 9 Episode 1 - "Wives and Dismeanors"

2018-11-07T22:19:00.000-06:00

Dolores calls her ex...

DOLORES CATANIA - Frank, I need you to come back from Florida and fix this hole.

FRANK CATANIA - I figured that hole closed up from disuse.

DOLORES CATANIA - Frank, I'm talking about the hole in the WALL.

FRANK CATANIA - Can't. I'm busy being in Florida not practicing law.

DOLORES CATANIA - **calls her son** I really need someone to help me with this hole.

FRANKIE - I figured that hole closed from disuse.

DOLORES CATANIA - I can take jokes about my dusty vagina from my ex, but not from my son. My smart, accomplished, sexy, bright, sexy son.

FRANKIE - Wait, what?

DOLORES CATANIA - God, I'm so lonely.

Teresa works out at the gym...

TERESA' S TRAINER - Keep up those lat pulls, and you'll be Mrs. Tristate Bikini Dicklet 2018!

TERESA GIUDICE - Ok! I wonder how I compare to the 2017 Mrs. Tristate Bikini Dicklet?

TRAINER - You're looking at her.

TERESA GIUDICE - **gasps**

TRAINER - That's right. A clean diet, intense exercise, and hourly shots of steroids in the tuchus.

TERESA GIUDICE - Joe doesn't know I'm doing this competition. He's in jail.

TRAINER - So he's very accustomed to hourly shots in the tuchus.

TERESA GIUDICE - No, the jail doesn't allow unprescribed medications.

TRAINER - Good thing they scrapped the "Comprehension of Double Entendre" portion of the competition in 2011.

At the Gorga estate...

JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother set the table.

ANTONIA - What about Joey? What about the other brother who has a mustache despite being seven?

JOE GORGA - Only women clean and cook. Just like only men open fast-casual strip-mall pasta places that close after three months.

MELISSA GORGA - I wish I could become a modern woman, but I just can't imagine not taking orders from a man who sprays on his hair.

JOEY - **throws his dinner at the wall** I said no red sauce, you fucking bitch!!!

JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother clean that up.

At Melissa's birthday party at Rails Steakhouse...

MARGARET JOSEPHS - So then I says to Joe, get me some coffee! And he ends up eating cake before he even brings up the coffee!

DANIELLE STAUB - HA! You two! It's like that time I had sex in the bathroom at Joe Gorga's fast-casual strip-mall pasta place that closed after three months.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Sort of, I guess?

DOLORES CATANIA - **to Danielle** Get the fuck out of here.

DANIELLE STAUB - Ok. **leaves**

DOLORES CATANIA - Margaret, I want to say I'm sorry. I think we should be friends.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - This isn't because you're so lonely that you've started coming on your son?

DOLORES CATANIA - I mean, it probably is.

MELISSA GORGA - Everybody, I have an announcement. It's time to say goodbye to 38, and to my third nose. **throws cake on the ground**

SIGGY FLICKER - **runs out from the kitchen** How dare you waste cake?! MY FATHER IS A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR!!!! **attacks Melissa**

JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother clean that up.

THE END.

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 16 - "Twin Tweaks

2018-11-05T22:22:00.002-06:00

Tamra celebrates her son's birthday at her house...

TAMRA - I better go check on Spencer and his girlfriend up in his bedroom.

EDDIE - Let young people do what young people do.

TAMRA - But they could be making a Ryan 2.0 up there.

EDDIE - Yeah, you better get up there quick.

SPENCER - **comes down from bedroom** Hey, Mom. We were just studying psychology and history.

TAMRA - So is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? Waka waka waka!

SPENCER - Calling psychology and history? Yes.

TAMRA'S MOM - Fuck, you kids are so fucking LAME.

SPENCER - When your mom has bathtub sex on basic cable and your dad murders hobos, watching Ken Burns on a Friday night sounds pretty good.

TAMRA - **holds up glass** Well, here's to you on your 18th birthday.

FRANKS - Happy birthday!

TAMRA - Thanks, Franks.

FRANKS - You're welcome.

Steve helps Vicki recover from plastic surgery...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Steve, you are a gift from my parents in heaven.

STEVE LODGE - Aw. Good ol' Bev and Tom.

VICKI - Joanne and Bill.

STEVE - Right. That's what I said.

VICKI - I am certain that when they passed on, their one wish for me was to have a man who looks like an old lesbian wipe my ass after radical reconstructive facial surgery.

STEVE - If this is what it takes to get me on the network that launched the career of Jackie Warner, I will wipe that ass until you could eat sushi off of it.

VICKI - You know how sushi served on bare skin makes me feel. Those models need to get jobs.

STEVE - Yes, dear. I know.

VICKI - There are annuities to sell. There are papers to staple on the diagonal. This is one life and it can't be wasted.

STEVE - Hey, does Bravo do spinoffs?

VICKI - I think so. Jax and Britney did one season in Kentucky.

STEVE - I'd take that. Sure. Now let me wipe those sharpie marks away with my saliva.

VICKI - Heaven, I said.

Shannon's daughter helps her recover from eyelid surgery...

SHANNON BEADOR - What I wouldn't give for a man who looks like an old lesbian to wipe my ass so that you could eat sushi off of it.

SOPHIE BEADOR - The doctor did say you might be saying some weird stuff for the next few hours.

SHANNON - Well, I would like to say that this is the anesthesia wearing off, but it's just plain true.

SOPHIE - Mom, I would be your old-looking lesbian man for eternity if you needed it.

SHANNON - The one good thing David Beador did is plant the seed inside me that would be you.

SOPHIE - And he drives us to school when you're too sad to wake up.

GINA - **enters with Kelly** Shannon, your eyes look poiple.

SHANNON - What?

KELLY DODD - I think she's saying "purple."

GINA - Also, all your friends are talking shit about you behind your back.

KELLY - Well, not ALL of your friends. The bellhop in Jamaica said he really liked the color of your luggage.

SHANNON - Can you people just let me eat ass sushi in peace?

At a restaurant...

GINA - What a beautiful sunset.

TAMRA - Bitch, Shannon told me that you told her that I told you that she's mentally ill.

GINA - That is completely false. She told you that I told her that you told me that she's mentally unstable.

TAMRA - So New York. You played this completely wrong.

KELLY - In California, you say you were worried and that's why you were talking shit.

GINA - I have so much to loin.

KELLY - Hey, do you guys know that dance where you lick your hand and slap a phantom ass in front of you?

TAMRA - Know it? I invented it.

KELLY - My daughter and her theater dork friends weren't feeling it.

TAMRA - Damn Gen Z and their history and non-teen pregnancy havings.

KELLY - Makes one long for the days of Raquel and Alexa Curtain.

**they wistfully look out into the ocean**

THE END.

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 3 - "Tres Amigas"

2018-07-30T22:03:00.003-05:00

Shannon waits for Vicki and Tamra at the Puerto Vallarta airport...

SHANNON BEADOR - We're in Mexico, and you know what that means!

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Appreciation of our rich heritage, and educational visits to important cultural sites?

SHANNON BEADOR - If by "rich heritage" you mean tequila out of a penis-shaped plastic cup, and by "important cultural sites" you mean rotting dive bars frequented by white people in their fifties.

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Sure. Fuck it. **wipes up their broken glass and urine**

Kelly and her daughter Jolie get their hair did...

KELLY DODD - So Michael started dating this SLUT—

JOLIE - You mean Dad?

KELLY DODD - Yeah, sure. DAD starting dating this SLUT and it turns out VICKI is the CUNT who set them up!

JOLIE - Kinda nuts.

KELLY DODD - I know, right? FUCKING BITCH.

JOLIE - It's pretty bitchy, I guess.

KELLY DODD - You'd never do that to me. You'd never set Michael up with a SLUT.

JOLIE - Probably not, because I'm, like, seven.

KELLY DODD - Can you see my camel toe in these shorts?

JOLIE - No, mom, I cannot see your camel toe in those shorts.

KELLY DODD - Hey, why did Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?

JOLIE - So you could read her lips.

KELLY DODD - Huh, I've told you that one before?

JOLIE - Yes. **stares blankly into the mirror**

At Andales...

TAMRA JUDGE - Shannon, you dress like an old lady. Show some TITTIES!

SHANNON BEADOR - Okay! **lifts her shirt**

TAMRA JUDGE - Mmmm... maybe don't show some titties.

Back at the resort in Puerto Vallarta...

TAMRA JUDGE - Oh, Vickiiiii... We're hottubbing naaaaaakeeeeeed.

VICKI GUNVALSON - You know I can't! Steve Lodge, brother of Roger Lodge, threatened me with an insulting Thought Bubble!

TAMRA JUDGE - What's the worse it could say? "These waves are not from the Jacuzzi jets, but from the frijoles negros in my taco combo platter?"

VICKI GUNVALSON - Eh, he's not clever enough to come up with that.

SHANNON BEADOR - Brooks would never threaten you with a fart-themed Thought Bubble.

VICKI GUNVALSON - You're right **starts to cry** Tamra, Shannon, I miss our friendship, and the way we used to—

TAMRA JUDGE - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! NAKED HOT TUB FOOT INJURY!!!!!

SHANNON BEADOR - No bueno.

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - This is what happens when you ignore rich heritage, and important cultural sites.

TAMRA JUDGE - Where the fuck did you come from?

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - I float like a soft breeze off of Playa Olas Altas. I slither through the trees like a serpiente de liga.

TAMRA JUDGE - Ok, enough, dude.

At a park in Orange County, the two new housewives "bond"...

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Being a mom is so hard, right?

EMILY SIMPSON - Sooooooooo hard.

**silence, other than the sounds of children playing**

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Do we have the same fate as every other woman on this show who had children under five?

EMILY SIMPSON - I'm afraid so.

THE END.

90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After Recap, Episode 10 - "The End of the Line"

2018-07-19T21:39:00.004-05:00

David and Annie move from the firehouse into the storage facility...

DAVID - Hey, look! A tampon dispenser in the bathroom! Not gonna find that in the firehouse, that's for sure.

ANNIE - You know, one time Guy Fieri came into the Suck Dick Bar. And I said to myself, you wait, Annie. You can get better.

DAVID - Aw. You knew I was coming for you.

ANNIE - I should have gone with Guy Fieri.

DAVID - **tries to open a window** Who needs a window, anyway? Windows are nothing more than a way to kill yourself.

ANNIE - I need a window.

FORMER STORAGE FACILITY MANAGER - Oooooh. That's dark.

DAVID - Why are you still here?

FORMER STORAGE FACILITY MANAGER - Forgot my acne cream.

Robalee confronts Azan in Morocco...

ROBALEE - We both know Nicole is a fucking idiot.

AZAN - Yes .

ROBALEE - And she believes that you get together with your friends, drink Truly, and prank call women about missing their kisses.

AZAN - She totally bought it.

ROBALEE - As for Mama Robalee, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck.

AZAN - We use "couscous cart" in that idiom here.

ROBALEE - Whatever. You've got to tell her the truth.

AZAN - You're right. It wasn't Truly, it was White Claw.

ROBALEE - Shameful.

Anfisa and Jorge have lunch in Arizona...

ANFISA - A woman claiming to be your high school girlfriend called. She said you fathered her child.

JORGE - Impossible.

ANFISA - That's what I said. No US citizen would willingly sleep with you.

JORGE - True, I didn't use protection when I ejaculated into her womb while she was ovulating. But there's no way I'm a parent.

ANFISA - Breasts of your size and shape are a good indicator of parenthood, actually.

JORGE - **looks out the window** Fuck, the DEA is here.

ANFISA - Why couldn't I find an "entrepreneur" who works in computers?

**Jorge goes to jail**

Azan talks to Nicole at his mother's house...

AZAN - I have to tell you something.

NICOLE - Your Conair straightener is on the fritz?

AZAN - No. That voicemail of me calling another girl? That was my voice.

NICOLE - But you said it was a joke you played with your friends. It all made perfect sense!

AZAN - Oh, Nicole. There's a reason God gave you a not-completely-hideous face.

NICOLE - Because I'm fat?

AZAN - Ok, so two reasons.

At the house of the Family Chatel, after the big fight...

MOTHER CHANTEL - Pedro y Nicole es muy mal por la familia. Muy mal.

CHANTEL - You can speak in English now.

RIVER - Yeah. The only people who speak Spanish took an Ikea paper lamp to the FACE, son!

MOTHER CHANTEL - Muy muy muy mal.

FATHER CHANTEL - You hire a private investigator on someone, and they shit all over you.

WINTER - **on the floor, picking up food**Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

CHANTEL - Um.... I'll be right back. **runs back to Pedro at full speed**

THE END.

The Challenge Recap: Invasion of the Champions, Episode 3 - "Helter Shelter"

2017-02-21T22:09:00.003-06:00

Paddlin' for Pad Thai.

In Thailand, sponsored by Burger King...

TJ LAVIN - Some of you have yet to secure a spot in our IKEA-furnished McMansion.

BURGER KING REP - Excuse me?

TJ LAVIN - Shit. Er, Whopper-of-a-House?

BURGER KING REP - Better.

TJ LAVIN - If you're not in the Oasis yet, you have to roll around in a cage and pull on a rope.

TONY - Glad I'm out of this one - that's how both of my daughters were conceived.

TJ LAVIN - Winner gets a free year of Burger King. **points at Ashley** I see you, West Virginia.

ASHLEY - HOLLER! No, really. I live in a holler.

At the shelter...

NELSON - That was some vigorous nature-sex.

LATOYA - Glad we found a way to work in a stray dog.

NELSON - I'm really nervous about the rolling-in-a-cage challenge. I can't face my family if I lose.

LATOYA - You've already disappointed them more than you can possibly know by being on "Are You The One".

NELSON - True.

Cut to the Champs in the gym, saying vaguely threatening things to the camera...

DARRELL - We're coming for you!

CARA MARIA - Look out!

JOHNNY BANANAS - Get ready!

CAMILA - You gonna FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!

**silence**

CAMILA - Too much?

At the rolling-in-a-cage challenge, Shane wins...

SHANE - To all the people who said I couldn't do it -

DARIO - Who even said that to you, ever?

SHANE - Um... my brother told me to pack medical tape. Kinda discouraging.

At a buddhist temple...

TJ LAVIN - I welcome you, people who get drunk on TV for a living, to this sacred site of prayer and reflection.

ANTHONY - Titties.

TJ LAVIN - You won't think it's so "titties" when you're walking slowly down steps and drinking dirty water.

SYLVIA - Psssh, "dirty water." I just ate Burger King. Diarrhea's already on the menu.

BURGER KING REP - This sponsorship is not going at all how we'd planned.

**the contestants walk down steps and drink dirty water**

TJ LAVIN - LaToya and Anthony, Bye.

The remaining contestants arrive at the Oasis...

KAILAH - Toilet paper!!! I can finally wear my one-piece thong without severe hygiene issues!

TONY - A weight room!!! I can finally do bench presses! **does a set** Dammit, now I gotta deal with a pregnant bench.

ASHLEY - **to Hunter** So, what do you say you make an honest woman out of me and pound it out in the pool?

HUNTER - I'm a Southern Gentleman. I'll wait until I'm in a bunk bed with four other people in the room watching.

ASHLEY - **looks down** The South has risen again!

JENNA - I don't get it.

THE END.

Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Season 8 Episode 17 - "And Away We Finally Go"

2016-07-29T22:38:00.006-05:00

Luann sings to herself as she straightens up the yacht...

COUNTESS LUANN - Gettin' married, gonna live happily ever after, plannin' to watch Tom have sex with a Cape Verdean tween while I count dollars... Scratch that - while I eat crackers and our DOLLAR COUNTER counts dollars...

JULES WAINSTEIN - **steps aboard the yacht** Hello? Anybody home?

COUNTESS LUANN - Jules! Oh, Jules! I'm so very happy you're here.

JULES WAINSTEIN - Wow. That's the warmest welcome I've ever gotten from anybody. See, I'm Asian, and we don't like to make a show -

COUNTESS LUANN - Right, the Asian stuff again.

JULES WAINSTEIN - I got Jew stuff, too.

COUNTESS LUANN - Oh, is that Ramona I see in the distance?

JULES WAINSTEIN - No. There's nobody but you and me.

COUNTESS LUANN - Sonja? Other fuck buddies of my fiance? I'll take whoever I can get.

JULES WAINSTEIN - Just us. Hey, you got any soy sauce for my gefilte fish?

COUNTESS LUANN - NO.

Bethenny chats with a "friend" in Miami...

BETHENNY FRANKEL - So the doctor said I can go on a plane and bleed all over the place, but no boats.

RANDO FRIEND - He's smart. There are sharks out there.

BETHENNY FRANKEL - Right. I can't have a shark be eating all up in my uterus.

RANDO FRIEND -You would have stayed with Eric Stonestreet if that wasn't a concern.

BETHENNY FRANKEL - Was that a joke? Who's the one on the show here?

RANDO FRIEND - Sorry.

BETHENNY FRANKEL - Stick to nodding enthusiastically, Friend Of.

RANDO FRIEND - **nods enthusiastically**

BETHENNY FRANKEL - I got some texts that could mean Luann's wedding to Tom is off.

RANDO FRIEND - **nods enthusiastically**

BETHENNY FRANKEL - It's like talking to a wall over here.

After Sonja, Ramona and Carole greet a giddy Luann, they retreat to an interior state room...

RAMONA SINGER - How does it feel to see Tom marrying Luann, knowing he just used you like a post-menopausal, rapidly-deflating blow up doll?

SONJA MORGAN - Excuse me! Peri-menopausal, rapidly-deflating blow up doll.

RAMONA SINGER - Potato, po-tah-canary diamond that's bigger than yours.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - Ladies, ladies. Be chill. I'm trying to digest Adam's cauliflower radish dump cake and need a calm environment.

RAMONA SINGER - At least your tits look good.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - Thanks.

RAMONA SINGER - Not you, dump cake.

Tom finally arrives...

TOM D'AGOSTINO - Hello, Fiance. Hello, other women I've let tickle my taint.

SONJA MORGAN - He just loves that.

COUNTESS LUANN - Well, all that taint stuff is BL - Before Lu.

TOM D'AGOSTINO - Wait, what's happening to my taint?

COUNTESS LUANN - I mean, the other people tickling your taint is BL.

JULES WAINSTEIN - I'm Asian. We're VERY big on taint stuff.

TOM D'AGOSTINO - Who the hell is this?

COUNTESS LUANN - This year's Kristen Taekman. Except she's going to actually go through with the divorce.

RAMONA SINGER - Hey, I just got a text from Bethenny!

SONJA MORGAN - How can she text when her vagina's so bloody? Talk about a Renaissance woman!

RAMONA SINGER - Here, let me read it aloud.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - I don't know if that's a good idea...

RAMONA SINGER - Why's that? You don't think there could be something incriminating about Tom in this text, do you?

CAROLE RADZIWILL - No, I'm Facetiming with Adam. He's making prune n' nut cheese freeze pops.

TO BE CONTINUED...