Quick Joke of the Day

Why - Part 2

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 00:01:00 GMT

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Lost Pilot

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 23:59:00 GMT

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Farting Husband

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 23:57:00 GMT

The only friction in this couple's long marriage was his habit of farting each morning when he awoke. He tooted loudly, and it would wake his wife. And then the smell would make her eyes water, and she would gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He responded that it was perfectly natural, and he could'nt stop it. She told him to see a doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by, and he continued to blast them out. Then one Thanksgiving Day as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked in the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver, etc., and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was still sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his underwear.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual troubling toot-toot -- but this time is was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly contain herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well," he said, "you always told me that one day I would end up tooting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, think I got most of them back in."

The Blonde Flight Attendant

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 23:57:00 GMT

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Barbara Ann

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 23:55:00 GMT

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?"

WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Barbara Ann written on it?"

MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Barbara Ann was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

MAN: "What the heck was that for this time?"

WIFE: "Your horse called."

Experience

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 00:06:00 GMT

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Talking Italian

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:57:00 GMT

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Guess Who?

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:57:00 GMT

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Lightbulbs and Mice

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:55:00 GMT

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.

Talking 'Bout Wives

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:53:00 GMT

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .

"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Words of wisdom

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:52:00 GMT

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Drunking Driving In Town

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:52:00 GMT

After having a little too much to drink, a man drives home from the city, his car weaving violently all over the road, as drunk drivers are prone to do.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Waking With a Limp

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:09:00 GMT

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is X-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second patient sees his family doctor after waiting three weeks for an appointment. Then he waits eight weeks to see a specialist. Then he gets an X-ray, which isn't read for another week. And finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Yo. Next time take me to a Vet.

Home Shopping

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:59:00 GMT

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

Euro English

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:59:00 GMT

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotations, the British Governent conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would make the new language to become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". This will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which has always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasfl and it should go away. The "a" in words speled with "ea" will be dropd; we ned not fer it.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z", and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and "eo", and so after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a unitd urop vil finali kum tru. Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German, like zey vuntd in ze first plas.
If zis mad yu smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.

Please Hang Up And Try Again

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:52:00 GMT

A man calls home to check in with his wife, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers. The confused man inquires, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' "I told her we didn't need one, " the man muttered under his breath.

''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.'' The man, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?'' The man explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down.

A minute later, the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots!

The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause follows.

Another long pause.

Finally the man asks: ''Is this 567-5309?''

Thought For the Day

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:51:00 GMT

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Beer Brothers

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:51:00 GMT

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

The Bravest Captain

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:51:00 GMT

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

Castrated.