Quick Joke of the Day

Halloween Jokes

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 20 Jul 2014 00:00:00 GMT

Q: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
A: Because you can see right through them.

Q: What’s dead and plays soccer?
A: A ghoulie.

Q: What happened when the ghost disappeared in the fog?
A: He was mist.

The Weatherman

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 19 Jul 2014 00:02:00 GMT

It was April, and the Aboriginals in a remote part of South Australia had asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days had passed he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Weather Bureau, and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

Two weeks later the elder called the Weather Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the elder inquired.

The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."

Redneck Hotel

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 18 Jul 2014 00:01:00 GMT

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

Choking

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Thu, 17 Jul 2014 00:23:00 GMT

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

Smart Dog

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Wed, 16 Jul 2014 23:59:00 GMT

Two women were arguing about which of their dogs was the smartest.

“My dog is so smart,” the first woman said, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to arrive, and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me in bed.”

The second woman replied, “I know. My dog told me.”

Potentially and Realistically

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Wed, 16 Jul 2014 23:59:00 GMT

A young boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment and then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could freally use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university."

The boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat! Are you nuts?"

Then the boy went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. The father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes I did. Potentially you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But, realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

Family of Moles

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Wed, 16 Jul 2014 00:04:00 GMT

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

Horse's Butt

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Tue, 15 Jul 2014 00:03:00 GMT

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

You Never Know What You'll Get

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 00:14:00 GMT

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a pink bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

Senate Slander

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 13 Jul 2014 00:01:00 GMT

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

blonde joke

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 12 Jul 2014 00:24:00 GMT

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

Home Shopping

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 00:05:00 GMT

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

It's the drinking

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 00:05:00 GMT

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

blonde jokes

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 00:03:00 GMT

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat"

A proof that men have better friends

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Tue, 08 Jul 2014 00:19:00 GMT

A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.

The Perfect Husband

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Mon, 07 Jul 2014 00:00:00 GMT

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Frequent Flyers

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 00:04:00 GMT

On a busy Friday afternoon, while the passengers are patiently waiting for their flight to begin, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

How To Install A Home Security System

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Sat, 05 Jul 2014 00:08:00 GMT

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside!!'

Hospital Regulations

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Fri, 04 Jul 2014 00:04:00 GMT

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Milking Machine

jokemaster@reallyfunnyquickjokes.com (Joke Master) — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 00:10:00 GMT

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

There after he quickly realized that he couldn't seperate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work

.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry", replied the customer service "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons!"