Realm oF Scribble

Fuggedaboudit!

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 19:47:00 +0000

I remember couple of years back, this same day I was getting crushed inside a local train in evening after spending the day watching a movie and the rest of the time sitting at Marine Drive with a gawk at Arabian Sea. I'd bunked my college, and didn't knew a single soul in the entire city. I was alone, all alone.
Looking around exhibited so much happiness, which was by some reasons biased towards me. I kept on staring into the deep sea to avoid any other sight. It may not have been the most arduous time, but certainly melancholy had completely taken over me after ages. When the music of laughter and hush hush affairs of couples around were unable to bare, I stood up. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry. I was just alone. I turned around towards the city, and said some cheesy filmy words inside. 'There will be a day, this city will love me too'. This whole symbolic shot would have been perfect for a 'hope enlightenment' sequence. Which of course, died within few hours.

Today things haven't really changed. Except that Arabian Sea is replaced by a window in our house. Well, its okay! Never mind. Few phone calls made me believe it was my birthday today. The constant pressure of "doing something" on birthdays kept on nagging me all the time. Getting crunk and slashed is not exciting anymore. I wonder if it was just me, or do birthdays 'actually' make you sad? Well, forget being special the whole day seemed so long and eternally barren. Shit! Growing up is not always fun. I miss childhood today. Anyways.

I have always loved Bombay. Right from the first time I came here when I was a kid. I loved watching cars on streets even till wee hours of morning. Now, its replaced by watching movie hoardings outside multiplexes with red carpets, while imagining yours to be there one day too. Dreams. Sigh! Its been a long time. The past 2 years is perhaps something I'll never forget. The whole phase of evolving through "Why ME?" to "Why everyone ?" to "It happens!" From the strongest reason to kill myself to the biggest motivation to live no matter what, these years served everything. I know its not all, it will never be. But I am happy it brought a change. A change to bare it all. Tonight, again I feel like saying those same cheesy lines. I have always been known to make brave decisions from a very long time, and it continues even now. Statements at the verge of 'time' are somethings I never forget to pitch up, and every promise made to the world or myself still pinches hard inside me.

I am once again and lemme add 'impeccably' convinced that 'cinema' is the fucking best thing that ever happened to our planet. After languishing at home for years. Now, I am made to work for 12 hrs. a day. Still, at times I wish even these 12 hrs. are less and why the fuck weekends are made? Thats because the scene I am into, is something I was lusting for since like the beginning of forever. I guess somewhere down the line it feels bit content knowing myself bracing for the big roar that I'll howl out to this 'world' pretty soon. But still, it feels altogether different now. Rather I should say, the whole sense of "feeling" seems to fade away. There is no place for sadness or joy, I am too cold and silent. Out of emotions; maybe! I never knew this page will land too. Everybody has a dream, you have yours. I have mine. But living your dream is completely a different feeling. You're just living the 'dream', thats it. Nothing else. Rest is dead!

--

Every dog has its day.
Maybe I love cats!?

Inner Musings - II

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:32:00 +0000

And they returned...

I remember when I was a kid, people would come and ask me if I think about, who I'm going to be when I grow up? And my only reply used to be 'Ain't I going to be ME?'

Today the question stays flat to all of us. Where has the "I" in YOU vanished? Are you the "YOU" which you ARE; or are you what others want/like you to be; or maybe what you think will help you gain control over others?

A :- Why are people so ...?
B :- Halt!! Stop you're question right there! Are you in a mood to whine about people?
A :- Umm... not exactly, but you know its like why I have to suffer because of what others do? Isn't it wrong? I mean I wasn't even given a chance to choose who all I want in my life. And yet, I need to suffer? So unfair man.
B :- Stop fighting a fact; learn to face it.
A :- Isn't facing a fact means the same? i.e. fighting it?
B :- NO! Fighting in most cases means destroying the fact. You are filled with negativity about the thoughts of the fact and so you want to kill it. You just want to get rid of it. While 'facing' the fact means to deal with it. To survive with it. To handle it. There is a thin line difference.

A :- Okay, tell me. Why are you so pissed off from the world all the time? Why don't you like them? People?
B :- Yeah! Now you're talking of my favorite subject. Since you too are one dumbass, I'll try and be clear n simple. 'People' as I see them are like prisoners; mere products of fear. They may appear as free but are jacked deep inside with mammoth amount of fears. Fear of losing the one they love, fear of failing even before trying, fear of expression, fear of denial, fear of future, fear of loosing their dreams, fear of not being loved, fear of being alone, sad, etcetera, fear of suffering... fear of FEAR. They are so conscious about everything they do, they are so afraid to just let it go, so afraid of facing the music they have never sensed, going through scenes they have never imagined and don't even want to. They are all busy playing safe games. And I hate it. Its like having an umbrella before going out in the rain. Why can't you bloody face the rain? Its sad and equally frustrating to see them 'live' this way; which is actually no living et al. They are even succumbed by fear of self identity, they are scared to know the 'real' self. Because somewhere inside they know its just hollow. They are "nothing" of what they portray, and are just mere dolls of lies. Even the ones who say they are free are mostly not. Thats just a face to pull off in front of others, for to be liked, to be admired. If there's something wrong, they don't want to go ahead and solve it. Rather, they love to sit and wait for 'time' to change. WTF? Time is like a self wheel of fortune, which will rotate and bring you back to sanity again. But for that you'll have to push the rod, YOU'll have to take the initiative to end your shit. Ignoring a problem doesn't solves it, it still persists to hammer you at the back of your head. Period! They need to realize the only thing they should fear is THEMSELVES! I hate those 'I am victim' ranters to the core.

A :- Everybody wants to be happy.
B :- Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

And now when you tell them all this, the latest trend is passing the line 'easier said than done'. Fuck you! This is probably one of the most motherfuckerest of excuse I hear from people to hide from their fears, their incapability of dealing with it. Thats the whole zeal about dumbass cowards that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence and hardship. I don't say its easy, but then fucktards it has to be done by YOU! An angel won't land up from no where to give you 'thoda pyar thoda magic'. You gotta learn, nobody gives it to you. YOU have to take it.

A :- Okay! Calm down. Anyways, tell me how do YOU judge people?
B :- Well, I am always blamed for type casting people. I admit, I do that. But when I think I know a person, it just bores me. Its like they just have few stories to share, some fucked ones some winning ones, but then thats it. Rest all they turn out to be shit. They always fail to carry the image made at the start. And about judging them? Honestly, I judge people on the basis of their dreams. Dreams that they want to live for, dreams that they are passionate about. I'll tell you about 'my dreams' one day and what they mean to me. But yet again about them, sadly more than half of the world does not have dreams strong enough, its just mere stupid desires. They just don't know what exactly they want from their lives. Being proud in categorizing themselves as the 'confused crowd'. Fuck Off! Being 'confused' is not 'cool' anymore. It clearly showcases your imbecility, nothing less nothing more. And then in the end they make some decisions to follow the herd, do what every second cocksucker does and settle down for a 'normal' life in their 'society'. Its sick, really sick! Where is the "I" in YOU? How can you just do what is expected from you? And not what YOU want? 'Expected'? Thats just a synonym to project what others 'want' from you. How can you even breathe in such bossiness, grow up and fight for your way jackasses. Its time. Don't just get inspired; start 'inspiring'. And then there are the other half who actually possess some 'dreams', but are too fucking afraid to live them or have lost the courage to fight for it. Rise up from your dead sleep dolts. Stop living dead. For fucks sake. I assure it will be better. Guran-fuckin-teed!

A :- What about 'Love' sire and... ?
B :- Don't even get me started on all that. I want to put my hand inside and take the fucking crap out of people. Bloody shake them up. Fuck! I already want to kill.

A :- Okay! So whats the conclusion? Do we need people?
B :- Yeah! Now this is the most saddest part. All the aforesaid was true and frustrating, but more than that whats more pissing is to face the fact that you can't change the world. Trust me my son, I've already died of several mindfucks and I'll continue dying from millions more. But this is one fact which is so fucking hardcore to digest. If you chose to 'survive', you don't need anyone; but if you chose to 'live' as sick as it sounds but yes you need people. They sort of act as a catalyst for you, in knowing yourself. Think about it, in those days when you sit down and ponder about yourself. What you are? How you behave? How YOU work? What you did? Right or wrong? In that process of 'knowing ourselves', we always move down to the past to gain that knowledge and instead of thinking what WE did, we ought to judge how 'others' behaved with us. Why do we need to judge 'their' action to judge 'our' deeds? Fuck!! This is one arduous fact to deal with my boy, to live with ' the world'. Yeah, 'that' world. They say I am always pissed at the world, the people. I am tagged as the 'pissed off bastard'. I don't mind. But you know I am actually thoroughly disappointed with them. All of them. Really! And hence this disappointment turns into vexation and like eternal anger bursting inside me. I don't like the world, I just don't. They are not what they are. And NO, this ain't coz of some past experiences.. its just all over. I might be sounding like some Tyler Durden or Montana or John Doe from Se7en... bah! go figure, but truth is we need people like these.

A :- Fine! Give me a quick remedy.
B :- The worst mistake you can make is to think you're alive, when you're 'actually' asleep in life's waiting room. You can't just always keep on saying 'I don't know what to do'. You gotta do something, which the other person can't. You always have the best answers to your questions, all you gotta do is to make up your own fucking mind and take up your own fucking advice. Don't just breathe like dumbfucks for Christ's sake. Start using your brain cells (yes, the same ones which were gifted after your mother cracked that bed to let you out) in other things as well rather than 'how-sex-would-be-like'. Every day look upto in that mirror and tell yourself : "You're no different! You're no better!"
There is nothing sad in this world than being 'ordinary'. You know...

The 'people' once told me :- 'We the world; a herd of blissful clans will continue living the same, till YOU enter. Help us. STAY AWAY!'

A :- And what do you think?
B :- For me there never was and never will be something called 'society' and even if there is, 'I' am not a part of it. The world is a mean and dumb place, I just hope its doing fine without me.

A :- Anything else my majesty? I fear calming you down.
B :- Heh! You know, Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for."

I... I agree with the 'second' part.

Hello! Stranger.

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:17:00 +0000

It was one of those weekend nights. He stood there staring on the floor; uncomfortably numb. Victim of a recent kickass heartbreak, dressed in black, with slightly grown up stubble and a cigarette engraved on his lips. He looked more like a MAN, and less of a GUY! "Come on, pop in!" yelled some known pretty faces who accompanied him. But despite of their existence, he felt like a lost alien.

Around mid-night they entered a realm of heart thumping loud music and blue neon disco lights. The floor had flickering colored lights peeping from beneath and the roof top resembled an open sky. The place was highly energetic and tightly filled with a herd of blissful clans all around pouring in him a sense of bewilderment and nostalgia. It seemed all the lovers from the country united right there. Those pretty known faces too vanished in the fog around within flashes of seconds with their soul mates. He cornered himself near a place where some stud looking men in white attire smilingly served dozes of alcohol as they juggled the bottles in air. This area of the place was more of dark and bit calm, though echoes of music could still be heard. "One Johnie Walker Blue Label, with plain ice" he told one of the men in a low voice, as he looked around the arena. The crowd and the entire aura of the place opened the box of memories and poured in some anger inside. Everyone around looked so happy, everything the same old golden, except the 'times'; they changed! He gulped down his drink within one shot and asked for another as his eyes paused on a figure sitting bit far in the adjacent corner. It was dark there, so the vision was blurred. He didn't paid anymore attention and lit up his cigarette. After few puffs he looked again, and as the blue lights fell he saw a lady walking in from the same corner. She must be in her early twenties, short hair, big eyes and a short red dress, bit of elegant and more of a subtle elusive look. Her walk seemed like a ramp design. She came and ordered herself a drink, and sat next to him. He was busy about rampage of thoughts of somebody else.

"Hello! Stranger" she said in a low sensual voice. He gave a firm look and ignored her. "You're broken by something, aren't you?" she tried again. He sipped his drink and remained silent, ignoring her. She picked out a cigarette, "Do you have a light?" He passed on the lighter. "You like this music?" she said while puffing smoke. "Listen lady, do you mind catching up with someone else, coz I'm really not in a frame of mind to talk." he replied back as firmly as he could gain. She looked into his eyes. "You look classy but upset and rage". "So?" he intrigued. "And you seem to be all alone" she replied with a mischievous smile. "Are you allowed to flirt?" "Sure!" "Really? Is that so?" "Okay! I'm just mocking the rules. Does that hurts?". "You're drunk lady, go home" he ignored her again. "Oh! Aren't you?". He remained silent. "Fuck it" she crushed the cigarette, and stood up "Lets go n have a dance!". "I don't dance" he replied back. "Oh! Really? Since when?" "Since... EVER!" He finished his drink. It was getting hard for him to sustain over there, haunting memories kept perturbing in and it was getting even more arduous to restrict himself from this beauty. An assorted blend of emotions- angst, melancholy, anxiety and agitation kept succumbing him all over.

"Have you been in love lately?" she continued. "NOT... with you." he replied back in agitation. "Oh! Yeah, you won't understand love. After all you're just one of them." for the first time she sounded low. "Yeah!! Right!" he shrugged. "But I like you, I, I, like you. You're aaa... different!" she gave her mischievous smile again. He bent towards her face and looked into her eyes, "And you're a whore, aren't you?" "I'm not a whore." she tilted her face to the left. "Oh! Then maybe just a horny bitch?" He falls back to his chair. "Yes! And you're my dog stunner." she gave a wink. He smiled looking around. "Did someone tell you, you're rude with women?" she continued sipping her drink. He lit up his cigarette "Not everyone gets that chance to experience it." "Oh! My lord! Lucky me huh? Boy!!! I love your attitude cavalier." she grinned staring at him. He was jilted as a severe headache seemed to crawl through the back of his head. "Good for you lady, and now may I take your leave!" he finished his drink in a shot. "Wait! Why so soon? Maybe, we could go somewhere down near the parking area for a while. What say?" she opened her cross legs as she said it. "Damsel, we're not in a movie or on pages of some fucked up novel that we meet and end up having wild sex, as for your information there is no parking area around this place." he couldn't resist the agitation anymore. "You look impeccably cute in anger. Okay! Then maybe somewhere else, I, I, want... you" lust and crave was filled in her tone. "I'm not a whore darling." he replied with a fake smile. "I wouldn't pay either" she gave another wink. "Whats your name?" she intrigued again. "How does your cunt tastes?" "Heaven!" she smiled. "So, my name is Satan!". She bent towards his face, "Oh my! Look at your intense eyes". "I can't see my intense eyes." He stood up, and started to walk. "Wait! Listen, Aaaaiiiii... love YOUU!" she tried to stop him as her voice pitched high. "I love you too doll, I need a piss." he walked away ignoring her.

The place was almost drab and empty till then, he went to the loo and spanked water on his face continuously. Anxiety had completely taken over him, and the alcohol had its effect as well. He wanted to go out and breathe in open. Suddenly, the door opened and SHE stepped in and closed the door. "Hello! Stranger" her voice all sensual. "What the fff... what are you doing in here?" he asked back with a shock. "I came to get you. You left me there aloof!" she came closer n closer with her words. "Listen, I'm going through... See, this is certainly not the best time for you to be here." He tried to keep his calm. "But, I want you" her belle touched his. "You want me to make this night the worst one you've ever had? Move out you hooker!" he was loosing his patience. She brought her lips in an inches difference of his, she tried touching them twice but he tilted his head back. "I don't kiss strange women." he whispered looking into her eyes. "Neither do I" she replied with another try and brushed all her body over his. She rubbed her lips on his chest. He closed his eyes, for he was loosing control. There were sparks flying inside the soul, within flashes of second some scenes rampaged inside, and a sort of clairvoyance hit him. He opened his eyes and bestirred.

"Alllriiggghhttt you whore, OUT! Move out NOWWW!!" he bursts out in anger pushing her away. "What the fuckk? Isn't that what all you guys fancy about, fucking a hotty in some lounge? Now what the fuck is wrong with YOU? I want it this time, DO ITT!! You weirdo!!" she yelled at him and tried getting to him back. "You want to make it sound like some mercy fuck?" He looked into her eyes, "You don't need sex, you don't need that, you crave for love. Thats what you lack you cunt... LOVE!" He moves back and shouts "And I bet no one would ever LOVE you by this mask you carry! Don't kill yourself, you're not this." Walks upto her and holds her face, "Thank you for your time. Now, fuck off!! and die you fucked up slag!!" he screamed on the last three words. "How can a man be so endlessly disappointing?" "Thats my charm lady. I told you the truth. You're a fucked up stingy piece of shit." "Whats so good about the truth, try lying for a change thats the currency of the world." she adjusted her clothes as she started to walk.

"What a loser!!" she murmured as she left.

"My Pleasure!" he bawled back.

Of food, fags, fone calls and AB Jr.

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Sat, 17 May 2008 19:14:00 +0000

If you stay in some other city, there are some points you should always consider when you return to your home. "Omg!! You've turned so thin. Don't you eat over there? And whats wrong with your face? Don't people shave there?" well, that was my mother's first reaction when I entered home as she was astonished to see this person standing right in front of her, who looked completely distinct from what she always knew her dear son to be and she hugged me while saying all that. "Its okay mom. I'm fine" (I don't like this projection off emotions rather than emotions itself!) I advanced to my room as she still couldn't believe if it was her own son. "What sort of clothes are that? Whaaattt..... "I spent the rest of few hours answering to every query raised by her.

The best part about being at home is or say the only good part of being at home is you get to eat so much. I mean for all those who stay away, will surely understand home made food is like heaven. YES! the same food which once tasted like rat poison now somehow makes me all slurp.
Every meal of the day HAS to be one of your favorites. I've been eating chicken day n night, I mean at times I myself feel like a chicken after hogging over it all the time. And what would you call a meal which comes in between morning breakfast and lunch? I mean from when do we started eating even between breakfast and lunch. I guess its my mother's mission to make me put on some weight by serving eternal food all the time. But I guess I'll probably die eating. Really! So, if good home made food is an advantage, the biggest disadvantage is that you CANNOT smoke. And count me on this ITS TERRIBLE! Of course I cannot smoke at home, going down n smoking? But the society people wouldn't really appreciate watching the head of their society's son smoking. Big names to carry? Fuck it all! So now the only way left is to go all the way down the hill near the lake to smoke. But then for lazy kings like me taking so much pain for a cigarette doesn't goes down well.

I feel so sad for me. I mean every morning after getting up, my first words used to be "Pass the Cigarette". But here its like a cage where you have to just keep on inhaling and food n more n more of food will be passed to you. I cannot explain how terrible it feels when the "real" urges to smoke hits you. Nonetheless, as I've told people I feel like a King who has returned to his kingdom, just that he's not allowed to smoke! :| And then my father knows half of the city so every evening there are some or the other guests at home. Okay! They are his friends, so why should I bother? But then thats so not the case. When they come to know I'm at home, they somehow get sooper excited to meet me. I really don't know why, but their behavior towards me is like as if I'm some 'Khan of Bollywood'. Of course for rest of the evening I'm their hottest topic of discussion. My mother proudly sings what all I've been involved with and my filmy folk lores and the rendezvous with Bollywood stars. And amidst all of this I feel like a funny clown entertaining them. I've noticed everyone who came, their wives were certainly most interested in talking to me. "You met Salman Khan? Waaaaoooww....." one of them almost jumped onto me saying the same. Its sort of weird, I already start feeling like a celebrity. They look at me with amazed excitation in their eyes, and then whisper to my mother. "He even looks like a director". WTF? Grown beard means you're a director? Arrghh!!

Anyways, last evening when I couldn't control my deepest urge to smoke. As it was dark so I walked down out of the society near the end of the hill where one gets a beautiful view of the lake. 30 mins. 5 cigs down and then some pale mouth fresheners for the smell to go away. Just when I was about to enter home, I heard some loud voices from inside. (Fuck No!! Again some bloddy guests. I'm definitely gonna sue one or two of them tonight for sure! Hmph!!) I shouted inside me as I opened the door, but to my surprise there wasn't enough people. I just saw one lady chatting with my mom. Thank god it was them, I somehow like this family. They are bit sensible than others. I turned to my left and was filled with inner glow. YES! Her daughter, she came alongwith her mother. Okay! Now let me explain. Both the families have know each other for say I don't know how many years. We became more close when her father left them. So, now it was just Aunty, and her two daughters. The younger one is a kid, must be 14 or something. And I was glad she was busy watching ASS-RK shaking his ass at some award function on TeeVee! And the other one, she's exactly of my age. The only word I can use to describe her is BEAUTIFUL! I mean really count me on this, its fucking rare that I may fall for someone's beauty. Because call it whatever but somehow no matter how good looking a female maybe I generally don't get impressed. I prefer brains more. And dumb blondes are totally ignored by me. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't falls in the dumb genre. But this girl is beautiful. I mean really BEAUTIFUL! She has the beauty which I like, the subtle and elegant look, rather than the usual plastic colorful ones. She's bit calm, collected and classy. Ah! I was already grinning deep inside by the fact that she came.

Even though our families have known each other since so long, surprisingly in all these years its just 2-3 times that we have talked. YES! thats the truth. Whenever we all meet, we never really get a chance to talk. And I may roam around like a bond for every other girl but with her somehow I could never find myself comfortable incepting a conversation ever. Little did I knew the jinx would break tonight itself. ;) I sat there for a while as her mother was busy intriguing about my filmy struggles. She wasn't all jumpy like others and here me too felt proud in essaying all of it coz I knew someone else too was sitting there. Later, they started talking something else and I was busy rotating my cell phone to show off my boredom accompanied by fake smiles every time they looked at me. On the other hand, she was still sitting calm n bit quiet and carefully listened to everything. And like any other guy I kept on peeking through the corner of my eyes. Then after 20 mins. god knows what knowledge struck my mom and she asked me to take her in my room as we both must be getting bored with their talks. The dullness from my face vanished within flashes of seconds by hearing my mom said those words. I stood up and asked her to follow to my room. I was grinning all wide but thankfully it didn't showed up on my face. She was wearing something black. I don't know what it was, I never really get what do they call stuff girls wear. (Of course except few you dolt.) But it was black, my favorite color and she looked heaven!

So we reached our room, and as she entered inside I closed the door. (Shit! that was very cheap of me to close the door but I don't know why the fuck I did that.) "Why do you have to close the door? Oh Hero! What is it we're gonna do that you need to close the door?" she uttered those words with a strange mischievous smile as she sat down on my bed. Okay! That was a flirtatious statement straight away but still I couldn't believe she actually said all that. Ages we never talk and then today she calls me HERO? Shitt!! why did I closed the door, means my stupidity pointed out. Urrgghh!! "Oh well its bit of hot in here, I just wanted to put on the AC. Is it fine?" Oh Yeah! I'm a king for replies on the spot. "Hmm... its ok!" she nodded. But the stupidity wasn't over coz soon I remembered mom had told me in morning my room's AC wasn't working and it'll soon be fixed. So before she could "actually" ask me to switch it on, and I prove my dumbness all over again, I better strike a conversation. She was busy scanning my room. And I was praying she doesn't lands up with any strange stuff for which I couldn't really give an explanation. Though since I no longer live here, so thats a least possible event. Pheww!! She looked at big framed picture right above my bed and asked in the most typical girly tone "Aww, whose this cute baby?" I grinned eternally because that was my pic back when I was 6 months old. I have heard praises about that pic from half of the world, but it was when SHE said I actually believed I looked cute. "Oh thats me! You know the guy who took the pic even sent it to get featured in some art exhibition at an international level." I replied back with my chest almost turning into a breast filled with pride. "Waaaaoooowwww!! So you're a born celeb eh?" she said again with that same mischievous yet undying beautiful smile. I stood there blushing like a teen girl with tiny breasts which even I got. I couldn't believe I was behaving that typical way, I mean completely distinct from the rude, raw, rough n blunt behavior which I am known for.

Anyways, next she laid her hands on a big bag and inquired about it. "Well, actually this is a bag where you can find stuff right from my childhood days. This really is one of my biggest asset, one can call it a box of memories." I explained it to her with great enthusiasm as she listened carefully. The bag actually has stuff like the first ever card I got from the first ever girl I loved. Posters n stickers, my first wallet, tickets of every movie seen since past 7 yrs. I used to be a pretty good painter when I was a kid, so my paintings, colors and sketch pens from that era, the first ever air ticket I traveled in, paper cuttings about cricketers, movie stars, my very own magnet collection, tons of posters of cars, cartoons, wrestlers, cricketers n all, dozens of friendship bands received from girls in school days. Teen love letters, some more girly cards n all that jazz! In short a pure trip towards "growing up". Someone special once told me, if you know ME. This bag is something you've got to see. Anyways, even better part was she loved it all and seemed soo excited going through all those stuff. I loved that 'most beautiful smile in recent centuries' on her face while I showed her everything. Like a fool I simply kept looking at her all the freaking time. (Mahn, she is beautiful) I whispered inside least thousand times. I'd like to believe thats the whole zeal of being with a female is that you can even stare at them during pauses and yet not get bored. And with beauties like HER, the world just squeezes down to that face. A strand of hair kept on falling over her face all the time and she use to life it back with her hand. (Jeez! Now why does it happens with every female? Why does every inch of her face has to move within every 10 second? Why does she needs to look at her clothes and god knows how adjust them every minute? Why do all girls need to be so err... girly?) Well, but then if girls wont be girly then boys would look pretty homosexual doing all that. I satisfied myself with the answers and continued staring at her. She was just sitting quiet. Okay! So now this was the not-so-comfortable silence phase. (What is she thinking? AC? Oh! Fuck NO!! Closing of door? Cards of females inside my bag? I better say something now. Christtt!!) She bent towards my face and planted me with a wet kiss.

"Fuckkk" I said the word as if I puked it out. And no it wasn't coz of the kiss. Rather there was no kiss et al. That was just a scene which flashed inside my nut head I don't know why. "What? What happened?" she broke her silence with a shock in her tone obviously coz of me bombing the F-bomb. "Ahh.. nothing I just forgot to call my friend it was her bday today." Yet again I managed it. Pheww!! But that was very pervert of me to even think that way, I promised to scold myself later that very moment. But I wasn't really thinking all that it just came. Grr!!
And all this entire scene since she came to my room seemed so typically filmy. I guess since I'm so much into movies all the time eating, drinking and breathing them. Thus, even the incidents have started going the filmy way. This was the 3rd one since last 2 days. The rest two are censored (read : pure embarrassment) to be posted here. Anyways as both were advancing to some more of flirting ways she suddenly popped up this question from nowhere "Have you met Abhishek Bachchan?" "Huh! well... I don't like him. A friend called me recently at some shoot, but I had some work and moreover I'm no AB jr. fan so I didn't go. And big deal yaar, I'll get another thousand chances to meet him." I replied very honestly and firmly. "Whatttt?? Are you mad? Abhishek Bachchan is sooo sexy......." she continued with his praise for next few mins. I understood that very moment its the most un-required topic which would spoil up this whole evening, coz it was about movies. And I cannot shut myself up even I try hard, and arguments over AB Jr.? I've had eons with many more females. Being an Abhishek Bachchan fan is like topping the charts of being girly. Anyways, as expected our next half an hr. went in discussing about him. It was the least I could expect AB Jr. destroying my evening but well, she seemed some hardcore fan and ME a hardcore critic. So our bull session even turned bit heated at some points. But had to admit, she was just looking more extra beautiful with every line she said defending Mr. AB Jr.

"Rohiitttttt" All of a sudden my mother came and opened the door, and I was like shit shocked as if I'm caught having sex with her, I really don't know why. "Rohit why did you closed the door?" mom intrigued. Even though there was nothing, I could still smell some sense of doubt inside her. "Aunty he wanted to switch on the AC, which he forgot I guess" she said giggling and looking at me. "But the AC is not working, you know that Rohit!" mom dropped another bomb. (Mosquitoes? TV sound? urrrgghhh whatt?) I raped my mind thrice within those seconds to come up with an excuse. I looked at her with a stupid grin, and she smiled back. "Aunty its okay! We're fine." she replied back to mom. Mom left and her cell phone rang. It was a pink colored phone. Finally winning the girl crown. Anyways, she stood up and went into the balcony to talk. I felt as if my bride left me for someone else right when I was about to give her the ring. Anyways, this phone call resulted in another train of thought inside me. (Phone-BF- Fuck yeah BF- Dood cmon she's soo beautiful, how can you not expect if she had a guy? - But what if some other friend?-No its her BF!! It...) Girls can really make even a dumb guy use his brain so for people like me, such train of thoughts and rape on mind was pretty common. She came back after 10 mins. and sat beside. Now this time even the door was open, so nothing could be done too. "Soo... whats the plan? You wanna say something?" she uttered those words again in the most beautiful of voice and with bit hesitation. "Well, do you have a BF? Was that your guy on phone?" I asked with a firm voice with no expressions. Numb!! that was it, congrats I was back to the normal blunt me. "Oh fuck! I'm sorry that soo not any of my business." I soon realized that wasn't needed at all, and said sorry almost 500 times. "Rohiitt come here you guys, aunty is leaving." my mother screamed from the hall. Shittt what a bad timing. And even before I could say or do anything she just smiled and walked away with her mother. That was the end of the night with the most beautiful girl ever, which got screwed because of ACs and Mr. Abhishek Bachchan (grr!!) and of course that phone call.

Anyways, tonight when I think about all that I just smile. I don't want to say anything about her but just the fact that she is BEAUTIFUL! Another, week for me till I stay home. Its okay, I ain't thinking about her as such. How ironical!! Tonight when I write this, I'm quite pissed up by someone else who did something few hrs. back. I guess these are the times, when one is forced to think immigrants from Venus should have remained over there and immigrants from Mars over there. Only then our planet earth would have been a pleasant place to live.
(But then who would be left to enjoy all this?)

A heartfelt apology (not to any readers) to my blog for all this, I promise to restrict to sensible stuff in future. Amen!

--

Anyways, nuff for now I'm done!

Tag Heuer?

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:01:00 +0000

I was Tagged some centuries back by Solo and umm... guess someone else too. I love such tags, they eat away so much time. And now since I'm out of work, surrounded by some weird slightly fucked up feelings and of course bored as well, So here its ON-

1. Last movie you saw in a theater:
What a question!! Since, I watch every single movie released, the whole week goes off in the same. Anyways after surviving through couple of recently released horrible Bollywood flicks, last night I saw the much awaited The Darjeeling Limited. Surprisingly a foreign film managed to make me realize how much I love my country. Nuff said!

2. What book are you reading?
No matter how un-intellectual and doltish it may sound. BUT I don't read books! I DON'T.

3. Favorite board game?
Used to be:-
Carom - It was hard to beat me. Really!
Business (If only you know about it) - A pure cheat.
Scrabble - Used to be the king in invention of never heard words.
Currently I just get 'bored' so no more board games. I prefer spending time, raping my mind.

4. Favorite magazine?
I can go through them once in a while if its something about films, else I don't like reading.

5. Favorite smell?
- Cigarettes.
- A particular person.
- The fresh smell from the pages of a new book. (Yes, thats all I do. Smell them and keep it down)
- Home made chicken - Eons I had it. :(
- The entire fragrance of a movie theater just when the film is about to be played.
- The way Mumbai smells after rains - Beyond words.
- Unlike others rather than smell of petrol, I like smell of the gas which comes out from the gas cylinder. I remember when I was a kid, once I just opened the nob of the cooking gas, and stood there just to enjoy its smell. Praise the lord, my mother came right in time. Or else I wouldn't have been doing this tag right now. Of course after that, I was thrashed left, right and center. :|

6. Favorite sound?
- The message tone in my cell phone - Every time it rings I jump to it hoping least someone remembered, but sadly its just 'Vodafone' who is madly in love with me.
- Sound of the ringing bell in school days after classes used to get over.
- Crushing dry leaves. Keyboard clicks. The 'ping' when someone messages in Gtalk.
- There is a particular sound of the flame, when you use a lighter.
- Sound of rain brings an inner glow to my face.
- 'Shut up' in someone's voice used to sound the most cute word EVER!

7. Worst feeling in the world?
For me - Helplessness. Loneliness - BIG time I accept it!
For YOU - Impotency. Maybe.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake?
Fuck, its not evening yet. Why the hell you have to wake me up so early?
Are cigarettes left?

9. Favorite fast food place?
I'm too lazy to step out of my home, if it isn't for movies or plain roaming on city streets.
So I don't think any.

10. Future child's name?
To all those females I'd promised baby names - I ditch!
Here's my edition - Beedi, Billo, Pappu, Chamiya.

11. Finish this statement. "If I had a lot of money I'd...?
Dumb question!
Still, if I'd to think about - I'd probably like to built up a very own movie theater, which plays ANY movie from ANY era and language ANY time I want. And also, built up the biggest movie collection in the history of world. (Oh yeah! I'm crazy about 'em.)

12. Do you drive Fast?
I guess those who were on the ride, enjoyed it. (Read with the most pervert mind.) :P

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Huh? They don't have holes or err... so ... Hell NO!

14. Storms-COOL or SCARY?
Scary? NO! And 'cool' is a stupid word.

15. What was your first car?
Da-kaar. (Read again till you get what I mean). *Burp*. Oops!

16. Favorite drink?
Paani, daaru.

17. Finish this statement, "If I had the time I would .....
Currently I am having excess amount of time and its getting difficult to breathe every moment.
In other case, I'd like to meet a lot of people with whom I somehow got separated after few moments of bliss.

18. Do you eat the stems on Broccoli?
Broccoli bole toh? Something veggie I guess? I won't even touch it. Bleh.

19. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
I was the first student in my school to sport colored streaks when I was only 16. Thankfully, that fever left me right there.

20. Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in.
Currently Sincity next is gonna be Filmcity (literally). :|

21. Favorite sports to watch?
Bitch fighting.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you.
Sweet? Loving? Caring? I don't think so.
All I know is that SHE's really after my luck n life and also off late praying that I get fucked by a neighbor's goat. :|

23. What's under your bed?
Cigarette butts, ample amount of DVDs, broken ipod, headphones, our personal Hookah, that must be all I guess.
Sorry to disappoint you but the hidden sluts are sent away. :|

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Fuck YEAH!! At times I feel so relieved that I'm born as ME and not the usual dumb motherfookers. Phew!

25. Morning person, or night owl?
'Nights' and 'Me' fell in love the day I got to know the difference between day and night. And unlike all other love stories this one still persists despite of any hurdles in between. We really are in "true" love since then, and as each night passes our feelings get more strong and deep. We get all mushy and even make love. I even tried ditching it, but failed miserably each time. Finally, now thats the reason I sleep only when I see the morning sun, so that my baybee won't have to be alone!

26. Over easy, or sunny side up?
*Yawn*

27. Favorite place to relax?
Balconies in night with gallons of smoke.
A movie theater - Best aid above all.
Lokhandwala roads.
Juhu Beach.

28. Favorite pie?
Sweetie pie? Cutie pie?

29. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Oh pliss pliss. This is SUCHAA girly question!!

30. Of all the people you Tagged this to, who's most likely to respond first?
As if I'm gonna tag anyone. Heehee Hawhaw!!

--

Cheeee Aaa.

Being Different! eh?

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:17:00 +0000

I'm different, I'm different, I'm different!!

How many of you like being tagged as the same? I'm sure there must be eons of the crowd. You proudly sing it to others, I'm different, I'm unique, I'm rare- they don't make such souls anymore and the reasons behind it is best known to YOU!

Today, when someone meets me and tells me that he/she IS different. I'm always tempted to ask: HOW? and WHY? 90% of the replies I get are worst than their own shit. They say they are different, but ask them how and they get numb. Today the tag of "being different" is sold as the most coolest one around. Every second one you meet sings the same tune of 'being different'. Ask them what do they want to do in life? And the most quickest of reply you get is 'something different'. Counter question them to define this 'something different' and they'll lack words. They are just aware that they want to do 'something different' but NOT what? At times they might have some reasons as well like, I'm different because I suffer the most, because I'm always alone, because BLAH! And such dumb retards are so many around us that every time you throw a stone in free air, one will surely be hit. I ask: How clear are you in your own image? How clear are you in your own perception? And thus, perhaps no rocket science will be required to conclude the fake projection behind your own mask. This quest for 'being different' is ON, and it'll always be.
And to all those who are still wannabe 'different' here's a quote from Chidinma Obietikponah:-
"Always show the you in you that makes you the you that you are."

Now let me talk about what I'd faced. I grew up surrounded by a lot of things which weren't like me; parents and other adults, animals, trees, flowers -- and I used to be always astonished by the fact that they weren't like ME. Other children around were just another category of things in the world. Then, there were somethings which I got aware of at a pretty later stage in life. When I joined college, I noticed that I was never really one of them. I could never be a part of the herd of blissful clans over there. I left the place. That was just a part of life: I didn't liked it, and at times I wondered what was there about them that made them so nasty and different from ME? Why were they so cool for the world and I was still the the same ME. Boring? Calm? Quiet? I remember my mother urging me to "be nice to them and they'll be your friends". Be nice? I wasn't doing any harm to them, I was just minding my own business. And so I was tagged "different". And does being different makes you boring? Does it throws you in the loner genre? The replies were: "No you're just... umm... different" well, aka maybe! Anyways, I used to ponder if being in your own skin makes you "different"? And if it is so, then perhaps I'll always be the same. My thoughts, my views, my actions won't change because I'm not accepted.

This 'being different' made me pay enough price too, I was rewarded with plenty of shit from all around. And if only, I'd been how they were I would have lived a normal life too. Or for that matter say the 'happier' one. Anyways, 'being happy' is all together a different case to debate upon. But even now there surely are times when I'm forced to think, whose enjoying most: they or me? who LIVED most: they or me? The replies which comes are not-so-content to me but somehow now I've learned how to console myself. Still whenever I feel low and beaten this thought always pokes inside me as to how I wish I was a normal person too, having not-so-big dreams to chase, not such out of the world thinking process, not to love someone much more than myself, not to fight n struggle with every rising sun, aiding myself too and not just others, for a change live a peaceful life too for least some moments, easily get those almost crushed little desires inside. This sounds pretty sadistic, and I guess I know how to be strong and fight it back again. After all as I believe "We need to be strong only when we think its the most arduous feat to do". I remember someone once told me, 'Every superhero has a price to pay, because HE's the chosen one out of all others, HE's given big responsibilities and duties to carry every day and thus HE needs to continue with his job without whining and tell himself that the world needs him and most importantly HIS dreams needs him.'
I don't know how much of it to follow on myself, but I guess there is surely a price to pay somewhere for being in your own skin and fighting for your own dreams. So even if you really ARE different, you should know its not just about being the 'cool' one.

And now if I'd to imply myself on the earlier part of the post as to HOW? n WHY? are you different. Well, there are many ways in which it is difficult or impossible for me to meet standard definitions of normalcy. Some of these relate to impairments or deficits in functions that come easily to most people. Some relate to skills or strengths in functions that are difficult for most people. Some relate to ways of perceiving and responding that are neither better nor worse, but are qualitatively different from those of most people. Among my greatest strengths are my inner stability and my strong sense of who I am and what is important to me. Living a life no one else of my age I think lives or for that matter would even want to, surviving through shits at perhaps such an earlier era, continue to learn from them and be strong every single moment. Fight from the world, from your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs, and nonetheless YOURSELF! I can say a million more words in order to defend my "being different" tag and answer all those queries I raised above. Given this foundation, is it possible for me to find--or create--a place in society that allows me to make maximum use of my strengths and to minimize the limitations of the things I can't do?

And the answer to that will be a lifelong adventure, for all of us. But then whats the big deal? Everyone else does the same don't they? Okay! A large part may be perfectly different, but still no matter how much we think there are always others who are like you.

Because as they say may say: "I'm not everybody, I'm different." But the fact still remains, "You may not be everybody, but everybody IS everybody". ;)

--

I guess I'll conclude with the point I firmly believe in, that its not basically about 'being different', its about letting you know

"You're not the ONLY ONE."

Rehabilitated !?! Nevermind!

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:58:00 +0000

Disclaimer: The below content is not the usual 'depressing-dark' post. Sorry!

A week or so back:
Monday morning 10.30 am.

(Ghoon.. ghoon.. ghoon.. ghoon) I thought someone's poking me with a fat needle in my dreams but soon realized my cell fone vibrating for the umpteenth time. ggrrr!! I had just slept 1 hr. before (YES! thats the routine I follow, be it any day of week) and this successfully managed to break the deep slumber I was peacefully resting in. After ignoring it for quite sometime, it still continued. So I had to finally push the green button:

"Hello!! Can I speak to Rohit?" a heavy voice settles down in my ears. "Hmm..." I replied, the time that it took me to say this, you could probably touch each part of your body exactly one time (provided you enjoy partaking in such innocent pastimes).
"Ohkk, is that Rohit?" The gentlemen asked politely. "No this is Morgon Freeman, playing fun eh?" (grrr!!) "Huh? Whatt?" he was shocked? donno maybe happy as well. "YES! Its Rohit. Shoot!". "Ah! Rohit this is Karan, I'm calling from XYZ production house, actually Shivani gave me your no." This did managed to get me into some sense. "Shivani? Who?.. accha Okay! soo..." (struggling hard with my memory). "Yep, so you interested to work with us rite? Can you come n meet me right now, so that we can discuss the job n all?" Hmph! "Right now? umm... actually Karan my roomie has got an asthma attack this morning so I need to stay with him for the time being. Hope you understand". (Well, I won't mind missing a date with Salma Hayek when I sleep, forget a freaking job. Okay! even a good job. But never mind I ain't going anywhere right now. Yeah! I'm the best when it comes to making excuses, right ON THE SPOT!)
"Oohhhhhhh!!!" he replied as if my friend had expired or sumfin. "Umm.. don't worry he's alive. And if its fine, I can meet you in evening sometime?" Okay! So, this was a guy calling from an ace production house for a job meeting and I was molding him in my way. Tee Hee! :D

He easily agreed to it, I kept the phone down. And went back to the slumber again. 10 seconds and I wake up shouting with a solid kick on my butt. Now this was the 'same' roomie whom I gave an asthma attack some minutes back. "Kyaa haii? (What?) " I asked him irritated yet again. "Saale, fucker when did I got an asthma attack huh??" he shouts back. "Dood, chill. Thank me, that you're still alive, I could have even made you an AIDS patient. Just make sure I get up at 3 haan." "Yeah, yeah bastard!" he replied with planting one more kick on my butt as I carried on with my coma. :(

As usual, he tried his best to wake me up at 3 but I finally lifted my body an hr. later. "Saale, are you crazy? You have a job meeting. Get up you asshole!" he kept repeating the same line as I was still roaming inside my blanket in n out. "Okay, fine na. I'm not sleeping anymore. Chal cigarette de ab." (Self Note : A fag in morning or whatever time you get up brings you back to sanity). I had fixed the time to meet at 5, but I got ready by 5.15 itself. All thanks to my lovely house, where we never get anything in need ranging from a toothbrush to socks. So there I was standing, as usual fucking late even though it was my first 'official' job call. (Yeah! the last place I worked I never gave an interview for it. :P) Dressed as? A denim blue diesel jeans, pitch black nike tee with psychedelic pictures on it, (YES! I like to show awf!) a few hand bands, "pseudo" specs and ofcourse 'not' shaved since couple of months, with creative cuts in the beard, and an ultra cool black footwear. All this accompanied by a carton of cigarettes and one black lighter. My roomie stared at me and shouts in his typical shocking tone "Dood, you're going for a JOB MEETING, not some rock show." I was late to shoot another witty reply so I left.

Listening to desi songs in the auto, with 'Bambai' ka best traffic area and puffs of smoke managed to drop me at the place. I stood in front of the building, just opposite YRF (Yash Raj Films) studios. Some one said one of our Bollywood Khan was there. I kept drooling for sometime. "Nevermind, let me aid this one today. Soon I'll go to the YRFs as well."(I'm good at convincing myself). So I finally entered this XYZ office, 1 hr. late with their latest released big movie poster welcoming me at the gate. I met Karan, he looked at me top to bottom, and I gave the "WTF?- look" back. We sat down and spoke a bit, then he called in their Creative Director. A 50s or sumfin man entered the room, with a cup of coffee. I was all relaxed, I wasn't carrying any papers with me. (Yeah yeah!) He keeps the coffee down and starts off: "Dood, so what is that interests you?" he seemed quite excited. (Aaarrghhh!!) "The name's Rohit Sir." I gave him an innocent smile. :)
"Oh yeah! Rohit, so tell me dood, what is that excites you? I mean something you must be passionate about rite?" "YES! Sir, all my interests starts and ends up at movies. There is nothing else which can "really" excite me. An aspiring film-maker you see." I spoke with my best to make him understand what I mean. "Ha! Andheri ka har kutta film director banna chahta hai. (Every dog in Andheri aspires to be a film director) Isn't it Rohit?" (Woah!! That WAS surely a reality check.) But.. "Well, thats true. But then even you must have been a dog once too. Isn't it Sir?" I said smilingly as innocent as I can. :) He laughed for about 30 seconds concluding by "I like it, I like it." The meeting carried on till next 30 mins. and by the end of it, they wanted to pay me for writing a show on MTV. And asked me to answer within some days. Sounds cool enough eh? Well, it didn't sounded as exciting for me. The show was in hindi, fuck it! I doubt how do I pull of to write in hindi and I didn't even liked the entire concept as well. Its just the BIG name thats it. This made me doubt myself how will I make movies in India. :-/ Umm.. nevermind!

So now its for sure, I ain't going to that place. Next day dad told me that some of his friend had referred me as an Assistant Director for YRFs next upcoming flick. But sadly they have already chosen people, I felt shit. Coz the movie has one of my favorite actor (No! not Ass-RK) . Talk about bad timing and I'll take the crown anytime. So I just tend to use another of my favorite word in such scenes "Never mind Rohit, its okay!". (yeah yeah) So few days back, I again got this offer as an AD (Asst. Director) but this time it was for a daily soap. (grrr!!) I didn't refused it either, coz I really need to get out of home for some work now. Its been AGES. Phew!! The show is one of the biggest hit in country now. But still its a "daily soap" with the perfect saas bahu kinda ingredients. *chokes of his neck*. And I feel too embarrassing to even share the name. :P. Never mind, I might be joining them within few days. YES! This one's fixed. :-|

Off late, Some weird habbits have caught me up too. I'm not into boozing too much, last week a friend was in town to celebrate his budday, both the days I sat down with one drink all night inside the pub. :( To my surprise even smoking has been decreased, I really donno why. I mean I want to smoke but not able to. I don't get the urge, rather I have to 'remind' myself to smoke. Grrr!! I so-not-like this fact. You fucking cigarettes, now cmon please you cannot ditch me like everyone else. I thought we really were in love. :( "Nevermind" hope I get back to the 'fagging me' soon. Of other things, I guess I have moved on from the tears n shit n all that gloom, till some extent. And I can say that coz, its been "real" long that a tear managed to find its way out. Hee haw! :D Even though others are wanting it, I myself don't feel like being in any relationships anymore, let me love my movies and work right now thats it. Cause its been real looonngg. So I've even decided to almost cut down the "depressing dark" posts over here. The poor blog is tired of wiping blood from its ears. And for now even the 'intellect thoughts' are at work, so they might come up sometime later. Thus till then this shity piece of nonsensical-writing is to make the page grin. Duh..uhhh!!

P.S.- A movie recommendation- Please do watch the first ever released Pakistani flick in India "Khuda Ke Liye". Its truly an awesome piece of cinema.

6 Words Memoir.

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 05:19:00 +0000

Okay! Someone did tagged me this time, I don't remember the name now. Bleh!
And this is the most cheesiest and corniest one I can come up with. Urgh! Never mind, for the moment I suddenly feel like being very cheap! You know the rest. Nuff said:

I'm a lesbian in man's body. :-|

P.S.- No! This is not an April fool shit. Try some other day maybe. YES! I very much like being against the law.

Gloomy Dope

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 01:33:00 +0000

Just when he thought sleep finally took over, he wakes up with disturbing dreams and found himself transformed. It was no dream. By now, fear silently settles down in air.

Sometimes it make me sad, though, you being gone.
I have to constantly remind myself that some souls
aren't meant to be together, thats all. Their paths are
just too contrary, and when they fly away the part of
you that knows it was wrong, does agitates... and the
place you live is much more drab and empty that they
are gone.

A distant rumble of thunder. He pauses and gazes off, senses a presence, looks over his shoulder, steps out of bed there is abstract shadows smiling inscrutable. As he watches, a brilliant glow builds behind the shadows.

Shadows or just plain alive memories?

The image rips free, charred to ash in the blink of an eye. He staggers back against the glare. Anxiety pours in whipping every thought into the air. The glow in dark seemed like a large vacuum cleaner -- voices, images, locales, music twirling and twisting -- if it ain't nailed down, it gets sucked down the hole towards the light. He fights with his vision but the suction drags him closer and closer. The more he tries to grasp the view the more he gets sucked down an endless tunnel at impossible speed, the roar of tunnel mixing with his ROAR-out scream, closer and closer to the light...
... and erupting out the other side into total silence and a blissful valley. The fairy lady standing in front of his eyes, with crystal utopia in her eyes and forever undying smile. Beautiful beyond description. All he gets to hear now are the gentle sounds of innocence and wind flapping through her hair.

But there are times when I curse her
for the dreams she left behind...
... dreams where I am lost in a warm place
with haunting memories.

With the change in season a lone figure stands in the same valley. Nothing for a million miles but sky and darkness.

An ocean so big it strikes me dumb,
waves so quiet they strike me deaf.
Sunshine so bright, it strikes me blind.
A place that is blue beyond reason.
A dark maze... darker that can possibly
exist. Darker than my mind can possibly
grasp!

I am terrified there is no way home.

He closes his eyes just to run away and with a shiver opens up to his room. Tears had left him long back, and a severe painful headache takes over, which felt continuous hammering harder with each breathe. Lights up the fag, and blows off gallons of smoke into that incredibly mystic dark realm. He bestirs and steps out to the cliff from his room. Peers up at the stars.

YOU! I know you're in that place.
You can see it too. I used to look up
at the stars for you just after the sunset.
But you're right there and I'm here,
thats goddammit right. And...
I shall make sure the night wont repeat again,
the day I'll cut myself free!

Comes back and records down :

Some people do spend their whole lives together,
while some....

DON'T!

Tagged! eh?

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 00:37:00 +0000

I got tagged by- well "NO ONE". Yes! No one did this, just the night seems too long than ever. I'm bored beyond belief, want to write but not another depressing/dark/thoughtful/blah post. This one seems interesting, moreover time consuming (ha!) so why not. I still warn you don't read, rather try kicking your balls that will be more fun, coz this is just another causation of excessive boredom.

A - Available:
I'm neither a part of any educational institutions nor any salary giving houses. But no I ain't available also. I'm too busy with myself. Go weep! Ok wait, here's song for you with 'A' - Aye Hip Hopper!

B - Bombay:
Lub it immensely in every sense. No matter how fucked up days it served me with. Still I do. Look, now thats called "true love" you jerks!

C - umm...
Cake or Cookie? Bleh, too girly!
Condoms? Too horny.
Okay!
Classic(ally) Milds:
True lover and best aid. Thats what I puff and write. And I'm out of stock at 4 in morning now. Arrgh!

D - Dude/DooD:
The word which pisses me off beyond extent, alongwith "Wassup" "Muahz" "Huggz" "hehehe" and "LOL" (cmon, there can be better ways to show off your shity giggling and love) . Also "Cool", the word is so-not cool anymore!

E - Essential things used daily:
Fags, Internet, Brains!

F - Fuck:
The most over-used word by me along with "Shit".

G - Google:
Thanks for 'Orkut' 'Gmail' 'Gtalk'! All of 'em have turned out boring, they eat away my all day too, but never mind still THANKS!

H - Hate:
It maybe cool to hate and stupid to love; but then "Its easy to hate and difficult to love". ;) - Self!

I - Indeeyah:
To the shitizens here: Stop cribbing over the crunches if you can't do anything about it, and go jump off your cliff if you ain't proud of your country!

J - Jan or Feb?
Rather, July! My budday! :D

K - Kids:
I actually can spend a whole day playing alongwith kids. If Only, they try and remain one.
So, I'd opt for babies. They are lovely, just that they cry,piss and shit all the time. :-|

L - Love:
Even a 3 yr. old won't mind defining it. From the most dumbass to the most intellectual person would love illustrating "Love". But still they'll be wrong. Because its a maze and just too over-rated!

M - Movies:
Acts as a 'Life Support System'. My preference above everything in this world, (including parents/lovers/blah) yeah! Well, its really futile if I try elucidating my love and passion for movies, within the realm of any language. And to all those "pseudo" intellectuals who laugh at Indian cinema. I have an advice :- GO FUCK YOURSELF!

N - NO:
Unlike others I have mastered the art of saying "No". :P

O - Oscars:
Well, it may sound kiddish. But I have dreamt enough no. of times watching myself walk till the center stage at Kodak Theatre amidst music of a round of applause as they sing out my name. :D

P - Pissed Off:
Its truly difficult to impress me and perfectly easy to piss me off. :)

Q - Quotes:
"This world is a dumb and mean place, I just hope its doing fine without me!" -
"I have finally accepted; there's nothing wrong with me, there's something wrong with you!". ;) - Self!
(I you come across these somewhere else too, run and arrest that person in charge of cheap plagiarism NOW!)

R - Rubber:
I still miss the fresh smell of a newly bought eraser which we always called as "rubbad".
Oh! Yeah, my name starts with 'R' too.

S - Sarcasm/Sense of humor:
A winning combination. And no its not awful, just your dyslexia is yet to be cured. Try AK maybe!

T - Tag?
Okay! I tag ofcourse "NO ONE". Tit for Tat. Hee haw! Go weep again! :D
also
The Shawshank Redemption:
My most favourite movie till date. PERIOD!

U - Unknown fact about me:
I barely talk, its mostly all to myself!

V - Vegetables I like:
None! I'm 200% non-veg.

W - Wannabe:
- A wannabe ME.
- A wannabe Film-maker.
- A wannabe Actor.
- A wannabe wannabe.
(This list will be murdered pretty soon, coz I ain't living being just another 'wannabe'.)

X - X'mas!
As a kid, I used to make a little house put up some pictures of Jesus, decorate a tree and of-course put my pair of socks too there. But sadly I never found anything rather 1 Rs. which my mom used to put. So, after waiting for 'real' Santa till few yrs. I finally concluded: Santa Claus is just another man who lives in 'Amerika' and doesn't like Indians. huh!

Y - YOU!
The receiver of Love in "I love you", and hate in "I hate you" n on. The root and aid of all cause. Yes! its YOU.

Z - Zodiac:
Leo.
Also, as a kid the reason I never liked Zebra crossing was coz I never got to see a Zebra crossing the road. NEVER! :-|

--

You were already warned!

Another Blog!

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 00:31:00 +0000

Yes, a place where I can proudly show off my absurd hand at poetry, the deadpan proses, reckless chronicles, futile one-liners and of course mix-mash of all of them. Sadly, that place will be updated too frequently.

Nuff said.

Go READ! Classically Milds

Love "Actually"

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:09:00 +0000

Once upon a time in the "Hindustan" part of our planet there lived a guy, a usual one who lead a not-so-usual life. On the day he first got the feel of a human touch, his elder brother gave him a beautiful name. Still few called him Bro, some-DooD, some-Idiot, some-loser, some-special, some-jerk some-wannabe, some-freak... jeez! thats it, he didn't even had so many people to call him. :) Gotcha!

Halt! you wont get to read his entire yesteryears. Sorry! Let me quicken to his most exciting days. He never did anything what others of his age would do. This guy had BIG dreams to take care of, bigger than what you always imagine your pain to be. Which wasn't just a career to him, it was his LIFE. The parental backing was impeccable. But since his dreams were bigger to achieve, it required him to go through lots of those blue moments, struggle, hardship, suffering, pain, thug life and add all such synonyms to it. What went wrong was all those people whom he came across during rolling on his way, he considered them as a savior or 'atleast' a fellow-being, but mostly were too busy in sucking out bliss for themselves in every possible moment. So not even a flying fuck came back in return. Those who were with him, he hardly felt content with them and always craved for the untouchable skins. Quite pitiful and depressing it sounds, rite? Yes, at times thats what he too hated about it. Amongst all these bloods and tears, he still somehow managed to combat all the served crunches just to live up the dream. Like everyone else says, "Tough times don't last, tough people do". He learned that : "In the end, people last, they do survive all the bitter rough roads at any cost, its just that being strong eases your way during the journey."

Anyways, the story still not carries enough emotions and drama rite? So let me arrange "Love" into it. Like everyone else this guy too fell in love, though it wasn't in such a usual way. And since everything has a 'sad part', this too had one. Well, the fairy lady never "actually" loved him. She had care, affection and all that jazz, while love was restricted "at times" umm... maybe. Loads of hurdles, tormented emotions, and every such feelings came across but still this unofficial or call it whatever relationship somehow survived till a long time, because of the simple fact he "really" loved her, and just couldn't afford to loose her. Their were others too who loved him, would give him never ending love, but he never wanted it from them. It was just HER. So, days flew by and they came more close, the bonding became more strong, the "care" and "affection" enhanced. She still had this blurred vision of they both living happily ever after. This made him take some major decisions regarding erecting a future with her. He decided to sideline his dreams, because maybe somewhere his dreams did appeared as a hindrance. Yes! his dreams, something he was most passionate about, something he actually lived for, still. The fellow beings did grinned at what they called as his "callowness". But our hero, was a soul bathed and breathing in love, and thus he kept his dreams aside and after ages happily walked onto a new path, looking forward to some great new memories, excited like a father at his baby birth, impatiently awaiting bliss.

Yes, deep inside he was scared as for a negative aftermath to it, but as some wise man correctly said, love is blind. grr! Anyways after spending the much awaited few of the best and quite short, alluringly fascinating moments of his life with her. A heavily thunderstorm with full throttle came running and knocked him down. Yes, the fairy lady articulated her inner feelings brutally. Maybe she didn't had the courage to speak, thus she wrote to him that there's no love she can grant and its so not working out for her. Ah! Yes, you read it correctly she said, its NOT-WORKING-OUT for her. :) That was the best ass-kick he ever got planted with.

Thankfully, a FRIEND was with him when this inner crash took place, so tears were plugged for the time being. She looked at him and asked "What are you going to do now?" After minutes of cramped silence, he spoke with fractured voice "I did so much... i left... i... what not man... How can she... just... was so happy... not again. Gawd!" She was busy consoling this sore corpse but had to leave urgently, he wanted a hug back, but was too numb to even ask for it, and gave her a strained look as the FRIEND departed. Jilted on those boulevard of broken dreams, he gawked around, the world was still breathing at its best. Every person around was still as lively as few moments before. He stood there and murmured to himself: "The world so not cares of what happens to me. Its the worst day of my life and look at their faces, they are living in themselves. Hey! listen do you even know what has just surpassed me? Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Crawling through those alien niche, after ages finally tears found their way out. Did it hurt? NO! It simply killed everything inside, the faith, the hope, every bloody feeling and emotion was viciously murdered. And this lead to the beginning of another worst fucked up phase our hero is going through. Yes, ALOT efforts were made to apprehend the fairy lady, two things never stopped, the puffing smoke and the salty water falling down from those dreamy eyes, but hails to her stiffness and bravery, it didn't made even an iota of change. Maybe she never understood how much he LOVED her. Confronting its not easy for her too, she asked him to erase all those memories and forget everything that they shared. In plain words, she told him to get flushed out of her life as she was too busy with herself, leaving our hero on the road to nowhere. :) His psychic brain still objects on the same query as to- "How harsh and changed can people be? Even though she might have never "loved" him, but was everything so weak between them that she just chucked him out of her life. Just like that? Didn't she cared even for a second as to what all he did for her? What about all those promises? All those days? His dreams..." Jeez! Thats it the queries are never ending, so let me cut it right here and as it is reply was just those 5 letters Sorry! Well, he does knows that its not "THE END" of his story, but its hard to accept that "Its Over". Yes, yes he won't ever get to see or even talk to the fairy lady again. Accept it DooD. :(
He currently hates everything and everyone, except 'The One' who has made him do it. :)

Next day, a wise man told him: "Hindustan's" population is hundred crores, and half of them are women, and DooD trust me. NONE are deserving or worth it." *Well, they might be saying vice-versa.* ;) Anyways, I'd just say, our hero has definitely lost his faith over LOVE.

Sad ending?

If only.

P.S. - I hate that I am back with such a piece of writing, wish I could help. No! Its not fiction, just that I know our "Hero" slightly better. ;)

Loneliness? - Solitude? - Insitutionalized?

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 16:42:00 +0000

The most talked/discussed and perhaps the most shitty phase one experiences {atleast most of the world believes the same.}

Loneliness aka running short of souls around you to support or atleast converse when you need them the most, lost someone precious who took you to the tip of bliss and a delicate piece of shit made you fall right down on your face. Friends, lovers, so called "Gf/Bf" {God, I hate those words} stuff, every person whom you were deeply hooked on to, left within a blink of an eye. Nothing left but tears to wipe out and all the time in the world to think about the heavenly spent past. An emotional stage of the soul which is utterly suffering from the lack of love and care which was once glued to it, that later got brutally snatched. Hmm... yeah!

There may also be a kind of loneliness which you may feel even if you're amidst your best of friends, having fun and laughing with them but still somewhere inside you feel that you're alone. But then thats not "loneliness" et all, its just a feeling of "discontentment" as if something is missing from that particular scene. Also, the loneliness which generally one feels in certain mood swings is nothing but idiotic state of mind. Because if its "actually" there, then the strokes aren't just limited to mood swings and rather injects pain each moment of the day while you try hard breathing. I've always believed that mental suffering is anytime worst than anything else in this world, and loneliness proudly farts amongst the top list in this genre.
Now, in order to cope up with the actual "loneliness", its amply credible that one may lead to some primary stages of depression. None of us here want to be alone or feel melancholy even for a second, we hate it in true sense when loneliness actually strikes. But as time passes and things ought to remain the same, its then when we start getting used to it. It doesnt hurts as much like before, you start conceding yourself that maybe things were meant to be the same way. You start compromising with your fate, accepting the facts and realities. The mourning sessions in need of others start cutting down and comes up only at times.
And if things still keep surviving in the same manner, after a time there comes a phase when Solitude takes over. Solitude is far much different from loneliness. Loneliness is the phase where deficiency of people around hurts you, and you want to get over it asap. But solitude is the situation when one "itself" decides that he/she doesnt needs ANYONE anymore. Its a self decision of getting secluded from people. A period when you just decide to let everyone and everything go off. It can also be achieved when at times we just feel to cast-away ourselves from others. Also termed as a fact that maybe at times you just want to get away, just to be YOURSELF.

As brilliantly articulated by German philosopher Paul Tillich, “Language... has created the word loneliness to express the "pain" of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the "glory" of being alone. ”

Here, I am trying to peep into the reason why all such solitude may occur, few of the reasons are aforesaid. The other which i would light up is actually my current scene, and it can be truly asserted from the word Institutionalized.

You might remember like Red says in The Shawshank Redemption regarding jail "...these walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, it gets so you depend on 'em. That's 'institutionalized'..."

My opting for solitude occurred because of getting enough continuous hammering of "actual loneliness" till a LONG time that too when I lusted others exceedingly. The intravenous injections of hard drugs in form of pain and lack of love kept me blue till a long time. Later, when i flushed off my tears, there came a time when I got used to all the loneliness, but NOW its like I've got dependent on 'em. Aka, the craving for solitude took birth here. Being reclusive has taken off till a large extent, one can term myself as a Loner till far-off. Honestly, I was one maybe in the past too and capturing of solitude always turned me on in regular intervals, but NOW its like... it has shaped up into a full time business. The mind phase inside has gone, gone far ahead from all the usual socializing shits. Dont consider me into depression or grief, I've gone far ahead in that chase. Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly.....

The seclusion or loneliness which once may have felt agonizing has now reverted into a sweet pain. So if this solitude is sweet, I always needed a soul to share the pleasure of it, thus I just got committed to myself and the search which was in others, ended on ME. Like always I came to my rescue again. :)

I don't know whether its correct or not but I am dead sure I aint gonna return from the journey anywhere in near future, or maybe forever. This Christmas, I didn't asked God for ANYONE or any sort of happiness or heavenly bliss... but I just prayed him to grant me with enough strength to fight with everything around, which includes myself too. I wish he listens to atleast this one. :)

P.S.- I still can puke out zillion more words on all this, but i guess this much of shit will be enough to calm down my psychic brain for the moment. :P

-- InneR MusinG --

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 21:06:00 +0000

I've always believed there are moments in life when to achieve a certain point we just go in for our best shot. Even though it may ask us to climb through all the evil/moral aspects laid in between, we still don't cling and keep the walk on, just to touch that moment, just to feel it, live it. The feeling in those sole moments of crowning your own victory will be worth a LIFETIME. Yes it definitely is? or aka maybe... ummm... Lets see.

Recently while having a deep conversation {ofcourse with my ownself}. There were two thoughts which traveled in the path to attain destiny. I'll try n present it :-

A as usual was at his silent best, he walked while he tried to connect with every passing fellow wanderers, some stayed some left, some touched, some mauled, while some just never knew what to do. While walking a lil behind was B, the person who was as desperate to reach the top as a bra hook on the 1st date. B was the normal chilled out person, who had the habit of howling over every possible blow. His sole aim was to touch his cup. While A was busy admiring everything which came around, he walked silently through every rock which came in between, tried his hard to stay as brave as he can. B on the other hand got pissed up with every rock which poked him, he'd fantasized of a dreamy path with flower petals, but the reality was no were near to it.

A - Relax, you dont need to shout your heart out.
B - WTF? Man I never thought everything might turn up this worse. Its shit all around.
A - No one ever said, our path will be all hunky dory.
B - Yeah... but still... at times its turning out to be worse than shit. I mean why do I have to suffer so bloody much. Look at you, why the fuck are you kept so charming and happy, and why arent you awarded with stinking shits.
A - If you would have enough brains, you'd look up that we both walked on the same path. Its just that you took everything as a piss and me as bliss.
B - yeah... whatever. Man how can you be so bookish types, like some saint n stuff, enjoying piece of shit as a bliss, cmon be a MAN. You know I'll make my own way till the top, let them award me with this shit. I'll shout n cry still I'll reach there.
A - And what if you dont? What makes you so sure that whatever you're aspiring for, you'll surely get it? No matter how brave you believe yourself to be, remember my friend, the path ahead maybe even lot more worse than what you're experiencing now, so there can be a time when you'll just ask to call it off. Trust me, future aint going to be about singing carols. It'll beat you, hard, every little rock will scare the fuck outta you. There will surely be a time when you'll be crucified again n again, by everyone around, blood will shed, tears will run, and then in those crucial moments you decide to just quit. Your mind might tell you to bargain with your destiny. So just imagine, what if... what if... you just leave the war in the middle, wasting all these years, crying and howling of the pain, still you dont get what you want.
B - Shit, you scared the hell outta me right now. Fuck you man, keep your sick advices to yourself. I aint gonna cling, no way, let them hit hard as they can. I'll still survive. But I still fail to concede as to what the hell were you trying to convey behind all those shity, scary talks.
A - I wanted to let you know, that the future may anytime bring worse scenes than what you're facing right not, and how much you try to get into that mind phase of winning your destiny, but somewhere inside you're never accurate about it. I just wanted to let you know the meaning of present, this moment, start living in what you're going through now. Keep all your egos and attitudes aside, however long we may assume it to be, but life is too short to be flushed away in brawling or carping. Yes others may come and leave, but to cry for your past is nothing but a synonym to bullshit. And those whom you have right now, LIVE with them. Keep your agitation aside, within a blink, time will vanish. And then again you'll be back to cry for these who are your present.
B - Alright... cut it... you're sounding quite an optimistic or weird typo, some things made sense, but its better you keep your crap to yourself. Preaching is anytime the best job over here, but when it comes to you, not even an iota gets implemented. And thats some hardcore truth. Now just dont let me start on the "people" and their behavior. Hope you got me Mr. winner of "know it all".
A - Ok... still you know, the basic point here is... If you want something and you always get it just with a nose poke, then that isnt called a LIFE. I mean, you lust something and you get that very moment, end of story. But that maybe so boring. Its better if you want something and you'll have to go through all the rides in its way. Coz the victory there will be heaven.
B - Hey I already knew that, I mean I use to think about it at times. Yeah that made sense.

While all this bull sessions took place they reached almost a feet away from the mountain which was suppose to be there final destination, A just sat down few steps behind, while B was on the 7th heaven to run around wrapping up pleasure on achieving his goal. He looked back and saw A sitting with a strange grin on his face...

B - Cmon man.. look here... step in... its beautiful than you would have ever imagined heaven to be. There's a valley of happiness and pleasure all around. I feel so free and so fucking happy. Cmon you're just few steps away, step in.

A - Ahh.. I am fine, you know all my life I just had this motive to live... but when I finally seem to sense it, there is this feeling of discontentment all around. I never imagined everything would turn up this way. There is also this feeling inside me that since my sole reason to breathe is accomplished, I dont find any other to LIVE. So maybe I'll just try n search for some life in those walked lane. But I guess its ok... I wont complain, I have learned from LIFE on every single step, this one taught me something too :-

"At times in LIFE we may give our best shot in order to attain something, but in the end do we got the same pay-off what we'd always imagined ? "

No idea about A's rest of words... but these 2 lines definitely left B "thinking" ALOT. They both still argue while they meet over different aspects of LIFE. This was regarding destiny, there are loads more too.

P.S. - The war within will always continue, they'll be back with some more junks in future. :D

...I Chose mYselF...

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 20:16:00 +0000

Ok... I know its been a LONG time.. and even i have been dying to write, but as usual just coz of few moronic reasons and slaving my sheer laziness, its NOW that I finally rest my ass at a place to pen down the recent junks inside this nut-HEAD.
When i look around i see people, who "seem" to be like me, their life revolves around some fucking good college, stuck with some junk studies with a great set of friends enjoying each moment as a bliss.. I aint a part of such world.. I was the one who lost everything.. be it coz of my own feats or whatever but in the end I stood alone with a gawk at those people whom I thought would turn MY life into a bliss.. Whose fault is it if the world never blends on my thoughts? if they never trusted me.. I would say no one's wrong, its just that everyone loves "themselves"..
Thats how this freaking world moves, a mean and nasty place.. it waits for you to rise and then strikes you hard.. But it has done enough, i have had enough of mourning sessions alone in the dark, have been through the darkest stage of depression not only in mood swings but each moment in the past, killing inside, weeping, pain hurt and all that blah blah stuff..!! I have had enough of it.. though no sudden flow of divine happiness stuck me, the hades still awaits my return, all the gloom and doom are standing with free arms to wrap me up.. but I am not submitting myself so easily this time..!! And I do not feel blue for those intravenous injection of pain and hurt inside which i felt all this time, coz it made me what I am today!

What does one needs in life some"Dil, Dosti etc." so that even if tough times come to them atleast they have others who will support them, talk to them and make them pass through these phase!Yes I dont have any friends, yes I dont have ANYONE, yes I am FUCKING alone. I wasnt lucky enough atleast not in "Dil, Dosti etc." I am just left with "etc." and thats nothing but MYSELF. I came to my rescue and now i'll try my best to stay here. I know i aint doing things which others like me do, I chose a different and more fucked up way .. but I just need a hand to hold, any soul.. stay with me talk to me.. show me some love.. and I'll win this battle even though however hard it maybe.. thats all i desire a single being.. I am running short of life.. grant me one..!! if you choose to do something different and arduous then you just a need a hand to hold which can let you pass through it.. thats what a normal human being needs thats what i need..
-> But wait, here the real war starts, the war within.. Few above lines portray the "softer" side of me, the "normal" person which still breathes somewhere inside me.. but now i want to kill him.. I want to fucking assassinate him badly, and burn away all the ashes.I want to kill every such feeling inside me which makes me weak, or which expects the need of anyone. Now i don't want any such part of me to exist who needs a hand to move on, who feels fucking alone each moment of the day, who believes in essaying his pain to some people, who contains expectations from others. This part of me is depleting gradually and i want it to completely vanish.. I know it may take some time, coz nostalgia catches up with me every now n then, and this "softer" part may takeover the other me, but I am trying my best to get fucking used to my life. I have admitted myself into this phase of turning into a rock solid being, no more essaying of pain, no more dramatizing your sorrow, no expectation and no sense of feeling anyone around me. The world is fighting from people around them, but as usual known in being different for me its "The War Within". People wont come to me coz I am worse than a loser in this phase of life, so its just a reminder to ME. And thus I want myself to breathe and breathe for ME. The greatest underdog story has given the first shot.
People still come up and ask me, whats going in my mind and they want me to share it with them....!! Fuck you... I'd spend the entire past in making others blend with me, and the outcome is better not to be mentioned. I aint running for happiness anymore neither I am waiting for it to come and rest on me itself..!! Even still the softer part cries, "Love me before darkness and hollowness inhales this soul".. Don't worry it'll take sometime, maybe few more posts and some more painful agonies sessions... but I'll kill this part of mine soon.

They say I am negative.
*Ok... Its official now*
They say you faced scenes ahead of your age.
*So what... blame me again for that?*
They say I dont talk.
*If I talk does even an iota gets in your head*
They say you think too much.
*You breathe too much*
They say stop dreaming.
*Faacckkk OFF*

Choose your friends, choose a mate,choose relationships, choose mushy datings at movies or whatever, choose a career, choose a job, choose a family, choose a starter home, choose a fucking big television, choose a washing machine, choose sane music, choose electric gadgets, choose low cholesterol, choose good health, choose life insurance, choose leisure wear, choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth, choose rotting away at the end of it all... choose a future ... choose your world... choose a LIFE!

Thats what you do... thats what the WORLD does..!!

You chose a LIFE... i chose MYSELF!

"Kyun apne aap se... zara zara... khafa khafa sa... naraaz hai dil" :|

P.S.- No this isnt just another mood swing, and special a mention to "Trainspotting".

(Sh)It Happens !!!

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 22:53:00 +0000

Ok.. enough of trying my stupid hand on poetry which was a prose or a mix mash of both or wateva.. Im back to good ol scribbling shit.. :)

To start off...umm... well... I am being hit by the same certain query "DUDE waazzup these dayz?".. Uffff... Firstly how i hate the word "DUDE".. i have had ENOUGH of this DUDE business and now it pisses me off when someone howls it to me.. And coming up to "Wazzup" with me.. well i have crossed that phase when people call their life as shit.. So i dont reply as i am fucked or hell or blah blah.. Ohh yes i accept I am not sad anymore.. but then I am not happy either.. Its not even like i am in the middle of nowhere.. its actually like i have even lost NOWHERE..lol

Saw "Letter from Iwo Jima" last night.. must admit all the Japanese looks like the same.. couldnt identify who died and who was left..lol.. Still hails to Eastwood for delivering another masterpiece.. :) And then it was the usual WEEKEND business... booze away all ur shit thoughts.. i feel so free when i am drunk.. Hope the hangover never gets off me.. :) Never thought even work at a new place can be boring at times.. Was pretty excited in the premiere but now at times sitting in an editing studio or being on sets during shoot also seems to be a big YAWN.. lol... With no season it rained here .. Mumbai is one heaven place.. Felt awesome.. beach, rains n blah blah stuff.. it reminded of some good ol' dayz.. How i miss someone when it rains.. :(

Rest i can sense LOVE flowing all around me.. My cousin was all grieved coz of his break up untill last week a girl from his office or something proposed to him.. *Good for you* (was my reaction to it) ..My bro's girl ran away and got married to his ex-bf just coz that guy ripped of his hand with some cutter or stuff.. m still to figure out on what basis do people take decisions.. I talked to her one night before and we were having so much fun joking n all.. and i get this news next day..!! *Pity* *Grin* and *Hails* (was my reaction to it)
My best friend whose break up was crawling since long.. finally sort of took place.. and to heaven one of his friend, she too had a break up with her guy some days back proposed him.. *wow* (was my instant reaction).. but to top it all.. just got to know, the girl who proposed him.. even her best friend told her that even she's having a crush on my friend.. I simply smiled when i heard all this ..!! :)

Love is in the air.. and its not even letting us breathe.. :D

For the second time (yaa.. maybe) in life wrote a LOVE letter.. oh no ofcourse not for my own use.. for the same friend on his behalf.. It was fun.. I knew that he'll love it and he surely did.. even the girl i know will simply be flattered after reading it.. I am pretty good at such stuff.. :P *Thank you.. thank you* :D

There is soo much love around us.. All i get to hear these days is break up and proposals.. and then we say "Love hurts" huh.. It may hurt or pain or whatever but still the world is lusting for it.. :) No one tries to be alone or feel melancholy even for a second..
The world all over me seems to be writing their "Love Stories".. Even i am writing mine.. just minus the Love quotient .. :)

I am living.. thats all i can say.. neither gloom nor bliss.. Its just simple inhale exhale process of my god gifted nose :P.. I am use to everything around me.. the seclusion does haunts me at times but i carry the "chalta hai" attitude with me now... the pain or suffering and whatever is nothing new.. so i am no more sick of it.. and there is no point in essaying it to the world.. though that doesnt dumps my passion for darkness.. *wink wink* the hurt each time i felt for unfulfilled expectations still persists.. but I am just so bloody used to this world now..!!

Things i hate/dislike these days :-
1. I miss a shoulder to cling while i return from work.
2. I miss those arms to melt upon when i try to sleep.
3. I simply hate when i dont get any work at WORK.
4. I hate that the hangover doesnt lasts long. :P
5. I hate that i am going home only for 3-4 dayz :(

Anywayz will end the list here.. coz my psychic brain is pretty sharp in pointing out "hate" stuffs.. :P.. I have heard or read enough of "I am sad but smile in front of the world" shit.. Ok.. There's nothing to feel pity for.. half of the world does the same.. you are no special Mr./Ms. Agonies.. And thus that doesnt differentiate you from others.. Here I am.. i wont even smile nor i will portray any grief.. I am simply living with my thoughts.. and everything be it happiness or despair.. all is limited to my mind.. Its all inside.. No idea what exactly i am looking for.. but i am LIVING.. And after all whatever it maybe "(Sh)It Happens" :)

"Lamha yeh jayega kahan.. lamha kahan yeh kho gaya.. Ek pal mein tanha ho gaya" :)

P.S.- All this maybe another mood swing, dont worry i'll soon return to my dark intensity.. :P

..my bistro..

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 23:00:00 +0000

Revoking his old niche
He wanders down to pursue it
But couldn't catch any left blot
Which were once glued with his kisses

Gobs of partly scorched days prevail here
Oodles of roughly burned nights have fallen down
Flesh is stifling and crawling
It broils while travailing

Now puffing sounds callous
Lips getting sued
Lust has gone bleak
While his knees go weak

As he gawks at bowels of blaze
Sparks fly inside the soul
Loneliness burns
Anxiety earns

The ashes of the moments
snatched away from time is still red.
The strands of smoke enters the veins
As the memento mori arrives

It gazed into his eyes
And grinned to say a last goodbye!

Since sleep was limited to his psyche... he sits back... and dumps the blazing fag on his hand... Life's ashtray was filled... he'd opted for bliss and got an entire era of agonies.. he'd wished for love and got_______. Was scared of a blow job... and in turn they FUCKED him... Everything favored demise... and none aided cohesion... Hades was waiting and he was aching.!!
Submitting himself to the gloom and doom... he advanced to the martyrdom in grief...

Unexpectedly a sort of clairvoyance hit him... it shakes him up, he looked around and bestirs... step forward and gawked into the mirror to find the depleting soul. Drops of tears ran fast to find a way out.

He stood there and articulated himself :-

"When you never possess what you want.. when the world never blends on your thoughts.. when your existence never makes a difference to others..when every born sperm scares to fuck you.. and you fail to even arise for a return fuck..!!"

Remember :-

Death may/may not be a solution..

But

LIVING is inevitably the best REVENGE.. :)

P.S.- Its just a part of my bistro... nothing from the hunky dory world et al.:)

... iN EssencE ...

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 13:11:00 +0000

Where does the smoke go which i flow?
Where does the rings go which i blow?
Wandering in the darkness...
Why doesn't it comes for one last show?

Where does the image go
Even before it gets painted?
Lost in the realm
Where do i land before getting fainted?

Where does the dusk go before it arrives?
Where does the sun go before it shines?
Where does my psyche go before i light ?
Where does my vision go before i sight?

Where does the love go
before it takes birth?
Where does the pain go
before we get hurt?

HE says

The rings comes back to you
The smoke hits hard till YOUR last show

The image endures into the colors
Before it gets painted
You land somewhere inside yourself
Before YOU get fainted

The dusk hides behind in the SUN
waiting for its phase
Your psyche prevails inside you
Till you showcase
Your vision gets depleted till YOU realize

The love suffocates inside till your frozen
The pain awaits inside for love to awaken..!!

HE repeats

Its all inside and just embarks when its right..!! :)

P.S. - Spare me I am horrible at poetry..:P

'' :X ''

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 00:18:00 +0000

He waits and waits..
knows he'll loose.. still expects and waits..
nil comes the outcome.. he shouts and aches..
but somewhere down inside he hopes and waits..
each message beep.. every phone ring alarms him..
but everyone except "the person" recalls him..

It goes down to his limit..
And crashes the bell down..
Lands in a corner.. gazing at the stars..
Affirms himself he wont discourse at any cost now..
Wont credence her anymore..
Wont hinge on her anymore..
And wont think about her anymore..

He'll live for himself..
And look beyond LOVE..

A sudden dash arrives on his face..Looks up to get rid of everyone, to whom HIS existence didnt made a difference..No more SHE for him.. And as he's all lost in his psyches ... a sudden beep shakes him again...with a message conveying "Can we talk?" God.. now he tries his best to ignore .. but keeps on reading it every now n then.. time passes.. till another one essays "I was waiting for a reply.. but guess you didnt wanted to talk n blah blah.. and I'll miss you" .. Now this was certainly more harmful..!! He shouts in his mind : What about the person who just cannot get you out of his mind ..?? how many times did she felt guilty for him.. his locale.. whatever he was rewarded during the agonies was nothing more than some bloody "Mercyfuck sympathy".. :X Thats all what he got from others..!! And thus now since it maybe over.. so fuck him.. he doesnt needs you..!! or moreover you feel more free now..!! No burden.. no daily bullshit..!! Gradually getting out of the trap! So good for you na!

Going through loads such zillion thoughts HE tries his best.. but yet again melts.. melts for someone who "portrays" to be with you.. for someone for whom he's the last person to be remembered.. !! And rather than sustaining any feelings.. formality and practicality floats in between them ..!! He asks why is everything occurring just for the sake of it.. and gets a reply "what everything??" .. which pisses him more badly.. and thus again gets crucified with the same thought that- Is it really so much difficult for others to understand you..?? Are you too much wise or they are big time dumb..!! Why so much fake reactions when they themselves know the truth inside .. but will wait for you to shout on the top of your voice.. to enlighten their senses..!! Since he doesnt loves justifying .. thus like alwayz, didnt said a word to her.. how much it must have pain..!! Keeps all the agonies to himself..!! Its killing and hurting.. yes it surely does..!!

P.S. - It is not one of the general posts.. never planned this.. it may seem utter baseless and whatever but i wrote just coz i wanted to.. donno why but felt the need to shout, so puked some of it over here... Sorry for baring the bullshit..!! :|

Hell Yeah !!!

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 21:49:00 +0000

The Most inspiring quote I've ever heard.. and it comes from one of my all time favourite movie series.. Rocky !

".....Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it ...You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life... But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward... That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth... But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! ..... " --- Rocky Balboa..

Hell Yeah !!!

.. Its Over..

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 14:32:00 +0000

Ohh yesss it is.. call it the eon of agonies or perturbed state of mind or whatever.. but i am out of it..!! :) This may sound like the best line in the entire blog.. lol .. Well, i can say one of the worst phase i have ever been through till now is sort of over .. :D And i am finding it easy to breathe in this new era.

It haunted me each moment till a whole year.. and mostly during last 4 months, the woe was at its pinnacle..!! And as they say the flame is at max when it ends.. so during the finale it gave me some great anxious moments to publish them at "Hall of Fame" in my memory wall.. !! I cant exactly say i emerged as a winner.. but yeah i didnt lose either..!! I got what i always desired but i also lost which i never wanted to. Its unfair of me to regret on what i lost.. coz at some point of time i wished for something else. I guess God didnt listened to my urge which i was dying for since a whole year.. thus he created another one and fulfilled it. So now i should be happy for it.

Once you are going through any such phase.. its so true that you always restrict to your own self.. and even if the world's most intellectual person may give you any counsel to come out of it.. it wont really make any difference to you {atleast thats the same case with me}.
But now i believe thats the best part about it, because then whatever you get to learn yourself is something you wont ever omit. And I can proudly say it has turned me into a much more strong person. Views and thoughts regarding all the aspect of LIFE and "souls" surrounding me is utterly changed. Can deal much better with them rather than making a fool out of myself each time. Now i can finally say I am changed and the changes occurred are being loved by me.

I am happy i am getting to walk on the same path which i wanted.. got a chance to perform the same feats that i wished for since like forever, and the starters placed for me are quite good too.. which anyone would love. But i must admit i'll miss my past life. Those people involved in it.. though i could never make them mine or atleast be one of them.. but still i'll truly miss them.. and that one un-fulfilled dream, being very honest will always remain as a guilt inside me. Now, I just wish someday i get the courage to walk upto them and tell them how much they meant to me, and whatever i did was just not meant to hurt them.
Never mind I'll come out of it soon. For a change WORK will keep me busy.. :-P

There are still some other bare wishes inside me.. and certain thoughts to worry upon which haunt me every now n then, that wont ever change.. lol..!! Will continue with my intuitions on desires and dreams.. aahhh how can i live without them.. :D

So, Life has presented me with a new game and i am all set to roll on. Since I am new to it so might get to face some lil bit hitches.. but now rather than being disheartened, i HOPE i'll manage..!!

Wish me LUCK..!! :P

------ Credence ??? ------

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 23:34:00 +0000

I always believe the most arduous feat in the world is not to love or something of that sort..
but to actually make others comprehend with what you feel.. if you succeed in that.. its all yours..!!
And it surely never happens when it comes to ME.. !! Its so true that the person whom you are trying to convince, perpetually fails to accord with you.. whereas the rest of the world will easily blend on it.. or atleast show that they agree..!!
But why on earth not the person self? And thus it persists to crucify you each moment.. like pieces of glass in your mind.. all the time.. all the time..!!

... The First Stage ...

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 20:33:00 +0000

Yes.. finally it took off.. its taken it toll.. and as expected the starting was as worse as it can get..!!
God.. i cant believe just few hours ago i went through one of the worst time ever in my life.. Those 70 mins. were unarguably the most fucked up situation i have ever been..!! I always knew its gonna arrive and kept me scared to death all these days.. each moment.. but it finally occurred today..!!

It was like one of the most horrible dreams one ever sees.. its so difficult to make others stand your locale.. i felt so helpless.. at the same time full of regrets and soo bloody anxious..!! Just felt like ending the call any moment.. but tried my best to do something which i hate to the crux.. i.e. 'justifying myself'.. be it wrong or right.. i hate being amenable to anyone.! I was loaded with queries over n over again - why did i do this? do i have any idea of how others feel coz of my deeds? Dont you think before doing anything? What will you do now? What do you want me to do or say? What shall WE do now? uffff....

How do i answer these questions to others when I myself lack in having any clause for them..!! :(( But people give a shit to your thinking.. everyone wants a clear reply. I seriously wish i had one. During this entire thingy.. i was forced to listen to some words and old deeds which i never ever dreamt off.. and even i had to utter something which i never wished, not even in my wildest dreams.. due to which others got hurt too.. but just couldnt help it.. i got carried away and maybe somewhere inside i knew i have to confess it to them. But what makes me blue is that now i have to do acts which i really dont want to.. even though my way would leave me to nowhere, and i dont even have a clue of what exactly i want to do.. moreover it can be one of the biggest mistakes ever.. still to be true i am tired of breathing in this boulevard and just want to change it.. i dont trust myself over here.. and i dont care what the other one may land me up to.. I so badly want to move out of this. But then first of all others wont let that happen anyway.. and thus NOW i'll have to perform acts which may not hurt them.. and they dont get offended in anyways..!! That sounds so amusing.. isnt it? arrrggghhh.. :X:X

Why dont i get to do what i want to,be it wrong or right....

I soo miss my freedom.. even though it never was.... still i do.

And when after going through all this fucked up shit you talk to the person you always look up to.. Do hell.. even she gives a flying fuck to you!

Fuck everyone..:x

Oh god it was a pretty bad experience.. and there is still lots more left in the store . Tomorrow morning itself i'll be facing another such sattar minute!

Courage..Courage..Courage.. God grant me!

!!... MinuS YoU ...!!

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 00:00:00 +0000

Well.. on jocular demand i have to post this one .. lol.. Its actually the first ever stuff i wrote.. looonnnggg back with someone in mind.. it seems broken in parts so even if u dont lik.. kindly be decent enuf in criticizing it.. :-P

I hug myself coz there is no one around
I am tired of this loneliness coz i cant here any sound

She's so far yet so close
I cant see her yet i can feel

The beach awaits
The walk awaits
The holding hands
and the silence awaits

I miss her when it pains
I miss her when it rains
I miss her in the corner seats
I just miss her each time i breathe

My arms are still waiting
My heart still beats
Is it just in the dreams
Or the souls ever gonna meet

I want some answers
I want some reply
Does she even care?
Whenever i cry

I love her
I really do
She tells me that i am special
But is that really true?

She has never been far from my thoughts
I have spend sleepless nights thinking about her

I dont know whats wrong
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong

I wish she can understand my love
I wish she can understand my pain
I wish she can ever feel what i feel

I just lie in my bed
and puff my dope
thers tears in my eyes
but still i have HOPE... !!!

..My Moment..

noreply@blogger.com (Sutta) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 00:48:00 +0000

Some lines borrowed from this song will be perfect to describe my moment :-

Baanwra man dekhne chala ek sapna..
Baanwre se man ki dekho baanwri hai baatein..
Baanwri si dhadkanein hain.. baanwri hain saansein..
Baanwre se nain chaahein
Baanwre jharokhon se
Baanwre nazaron ko takna

Baanwre se is jahan mein
Baanwra ek saath ho
Is sayaani bheed mein
Bas haatho mein tera haath ho

Baanwra man dekhne chala ek sapna..

Baanwra man dekhne chala ek sapna..!! :)