There are an infinite amount of articles like this littered with advice about what you should or should not talk about on dates.  Generally, the consensus is that you should never talk about your ex, religion, politics, dysfunctional family, and your dire financial situation on your dates.  What these articles often fail to give advice on is what you SHOULD talk about, and often times I get the sense that they’re really just advising you to, by default, resort to mind-numbing . . . → Read More: Breaking All the Rules and Succeeding Anyway]]> As a person who does a lot of reading and writing about dating and relationships, I find conventional dating media to be endlessly fascinating.  In reality TV shows like VH1′s “Why Am I Still Single?” or dating advice columns from Men’s Health to Cosmopolitan, everybody seems to have an opinion on what works, do’s and don’ts on dates, and the like.  What this has inspired is more generic advice than you can throw a shoe at. Things like top ten lists of what you should and shouldn’t do on your dates, what you should and should not talk about, rules about how long and often you should contact the other party permeate a lot of dating and relationship media.

There are an infinite amount of articles like this littered with advice about what you should or should not talk about on dates.  Generally, the consensus is that you should never talk about your ex, religion, politics, dysfunctional family, and your dire financial situation on your dates.  What these articles often fail to give advice on is what you SHOULD talk about, and often times I get the sense that they’re really just advising you to, by default, resort to mind-numbing small talk on your dates.

I’m here to tell you that most of this is nonsense, even if it is well-intentioned nonsense.  You can break all the rules, and still succeed.  I recently went on three dates with three different women, and with each of them I broke a myriad of these so-called “rules”.  With bachelorette no.1, I disagreed a little with her politics.  With bachelorette no. 2 I talked about my ex-girlfriend and how our relationship made me a better person.  With bachelorette no. 3 I talked about my crazy and quite often dysfunctional family and how I was in therapy.  Each woman was a little incredulous about what I was willing to reveal on our date but each of these dates liked me and wanted to go out with me again.  I say this not to brag, but to emphasize my main point: it is more important to be “real” and “vulnerable” with a woman than to play it safe.  Always.

As an outside example, one of my good friends recently started dating a smart and gorgeous Peruvian woman.  He is honest, almost to a fault, and he told her about a very serious drug problem he used to have in the past.  She was shocked and he was even afraid for a while that she would opt out of the relationship.  She never did, but he told me that he’d rather her know who he truly is and risk her departure than to try to pretend to be anything else.

What these dating advice columns don’t get is that what makes us interesting as human beings aren’t just the great and positive things about us:  they’re the sometimes not so pretty aspects of our past and present.  It’s how we handle these dark aspects of our lives that will determine whether they’re “mistakes” or not.  Yes, if you sit and whine about your ex-girlfriend on your date, you will probably send your date running for the hills. But if you can communicate honestly about your prior relationship and recognize that there was also good in addition to bad, and that you grew as a person from it, you’ve suddenly become one of the most interestingly different men she’s ever met.

You just need to take ownership these “mistakes” and dark parts of your life as part of your personality, and not be ashamed of showing who you really are to your dates.  This is, in fact, the opposite of unattractive behavior.  A man who is not ashamed of who he is and the paths that have brought him to this point is an attractive man.  A man who sees his past experiences, both good and bad, as leading to something bigger and more fulfilling is an attractive man.

“Give her space and she will chase.” For the longest time, I had heard this bit of advice but did not understand it. What, exactly, is “space?” Does it mean waiting three days before calling her? Does it mean acting aloof around her? In my early days of being single, I tried all these things and more. I tried not calling. I tried designating a set amount of times I’d contact her a week, every third day, every Wednesday, and so on. More importantly, I couldn’t reconcile this entire “giving her space” thing with the idea that a man is supposed to lead and be aggressive. And, oddly, she never did chase.

And, yet, I had many friends who seemed to effortlessly attract and draw women towards them. They would just meet women in through their daily routines and would inevitably end up attracting them. And it seemed as though they weren’t trying at all! PUA’s call them naturals, and it was always a big mystery as to why they were able to do so easily what I could not.

Fast forward . . . → Read More: Give Her Space and She Will Chase]]> Editor’s note: Neil’s back with a great story about how not trying can boost your attractiveness. –Jason

“Give her space and she will chase.” For the longest time, I had heard this bit of advice but did not understand it. What, exactly, is “space?” Does it mean waiting three days before calling her? Does it mean acting aloof around her? In my early days of being single, I tried all these things and more. I tried not calling. I tried designating a set amount of times I’d contact her a week, every third day, every Wednesday, and so on. More importantly, I couldn’t reconcile this entire “giving her space” thing with the idea that a man is supposed to lead and be aggressive. And, oddly, she never did chase.

And, yet, I had many friends who seemed to effortlessly attract and draw women towards them. They would just meet women in through their daily routines and would inevitably end up attracting them. And it seemed as though they weren’t trying at all! PUA’s call them naturals, and it was always a big mystery as to why they were able to do so easily what I could not.

Fast forward a couple years. I went out on a date recently with a fine lady. We had a very nice conversation, we did a little flirtation, and at the end of the night, she grabbed my arm, and was the one who kissed me. After the date was over, I got to thinking of the phrase: “Give her space and she will chase.” And this blog post is about what that actually means.

How attracted a woman is to you is based on numerous factors, some of which is out of your control. I know many women, and their tastes are extremely diverse. One of the most misleading things about the PUA industry is the idea that you can attract ANY woman. This is simply a falsehood. Some women like skinny guys. Some women like guys who are big and burley. Some women like guys who are hipsters. Some like jocks. While we can surely adopt a specific identity that will attract a specific subset of women, the idea that there is some magic formula for universal attraction is misleading.

However, one thing that most women are not attracted to is neediness, which stems from a lack of confidence. A lot of these artificial strategies are meant to convey a lack of neediness to a woman. Waiting 3 days to call her, for instance, is supposed to signal that you’re not overly invested in her. A lot of PUA strategies – “negging”, routines, and the like are really just technical strategies to artificially convey a lack of neediness. Standing aloof on the outskirts of the bar is supposed to signal that you’re not interested in her affections. Ever notice they never actually come and talk to you?

The problem with these artificial strategies is exactly that: they’re artificial. They’re not genuine. What I found was, even when I was trying to correct for my neediness with all these technical “fixes” eventually my needy behavior would manifest itself in my vibe when I was actually with her. I would text her, and then fret for hours waiting for her reply. When I’d go out with her my words, mannerisms, and actions would betray me. I would try to fill every silence with jabber. I’d construct and tell stories that I think would make me sound “cool.” If the message wasn’t explicit, it was implicit. I need you to like me. I need your affection and approval to feel good about myself. I need you. I was suffocating these girls with my neediness.

Which brings me back to that adage. “Give her space and she will chase.” I realize now that this phrase is actually accurate, but not in the way that most think. “Space” means eliminating this needy energy from your interactions with women. Being genuine with her, and being comfortable without the knowledge that the world does not begin and end with her approval. This “emotional space” you give her will allow attraction to form mutually and, most important, naturally. And then, she’ll feel comfortable pursuing you because she’ll be comforted by your mutual attraction and your easy going attitude, since it permeates your entire being.

Of course, if all this seems a tad metaphysical, it’s because it kind of is. Part of the reason many men buy into the PUA industry is because it offers easy to understand theories and quick behavioral fixes to deeper emotional problems. Fixing your vibe is a long process that involves a lot of self-reflection. But knowing allows the self-development process to begin.

In my two years on OkCupid, I’ve gone on a handful of dates and been treated to hundreds more hilarious, offensive and often bizarre messages. I’ve noticed the same themes playing out among the worst online daters. Some men have learned to obscure the ugliest parts of their personalities on online dating sites, hoping you won’t notice their jealousy issues, racism, or stupidity. But they’re never that good.

One of her “red flags” in particular stands out.

Red Flag: “I’m a nice guy.” What It Means: I think that holding the door for you obligates you to spread.

Oh, Nice Guys. You are such an internet stereotype, and yet you don’t stop proclaiming your Nice Guyness. A dater’s comment about how he is Such a Nice Guy is inevitably followed up by a lament about how women only like jerks—i.e., any guy who is not the Nice Guy. How does he know that women like jerks? Because he sometimes does nice things for women, and they . . . → Read More: Online Dating From a Woman’s Point of View]]> Sometimes there’s truth in satire. Writer Jill Filopovic gives her account of the red flags she and other women experience when dating online. I don’t think she’s exaggerating on most of her points.

In my two years on OkCupid, I’ve gone on a handful of dates and been treated to hundreds more hilarious, offensive and often bizarre messages. I’ve noticed the same themes playing out among the worst online daters. Some men have learned to obscure the ugliest parts of their personalities on online dating sites, hoping you won’t notice their jealousy issues, racism, or stupidity. But they’re never that good.

One of her “red flags” in particular stands out.

Red Flag: “I’m a nice guy.”
What It Means: I think that holding the door for you obligates you to spread.

Oh, Nice Guys. You are such an internet stereotype, and yet you don’t stop proclaiming your Nice Guyness. A dater’s comment about how he is Such a Nice Guy is inevitably followed up by a lament about how women only like jerks—i.e., any guy who is not the Nice Guy. How does he know that women like jerks? Because he sometimes does nice things for women, and they do not have sex with him in return. So he brings up his Niceness as a way to guilt women into sex. See how nice he is? Then, he includes this information on his internet dating profile. See how totally not manipulative and fun he seems? See Also: “Negs” you in his message.

Jill clearly understands the dynamic of “Nice Guy Syndrome” as well as classic PUA techniques. To find an editorial like this is a strong indicator that these concepts and trends have broken into the mainstream consciousness. We already know that many women are keenly aware of classic PUA techniques from simple cultural saturation. Now we are finally seeing women’s awareness around the neediness and anxiety of the “Nice Guy.” Jill is directly telling nice guys like us that women are seeing right through our behavior.

I believe this level of cultural awareness is a positive step. As a recovering nice guy myself, it’s helpful for women to reflect this dynamic back to us in a meaningful way, even if it’s not the most sympathetic feedback. Often direct feedback is the only thing that breaks through. She’s literally telling us to take ownership of what we want from women and not look at it as an unspoken transaction.

The opposite of doing nice things for a woman and secretly hoping she responds with sex is to ask for what you want in a healthy way and be willing to feel the sting of rejection. Because nice guys already carry excessive anxiety around acceptance in general, rejection from a woman becomes even more intolerable. Jill’s simply asking us to take responsibility for what’s going on with us. Trust me, it’s worth doing the work to deal with the anxiety. The fear is never as big of a deal as we make it out to be.

Rob says:

This is a pretty cool tool to increase your presence in a room. I talk and work with so many people who spend too much time in their heads…usually really intelligent too. When I ask them how their bodies feel… they look puzzled and say they don´t know how to feel their bodies… and then we usually laugh

anyway try this …. you´ll feel a difference.

This is a brilliant exercise that will increase your body awareness and presence. Increasing these two factors will automatically increase your charisma and attractiveness to women. It’s what I coach guys to do all the time, but what I like about this exercise is its unique way of going about it. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the results. Let me know what happens to you in the comments.

Take the case of Griffin Hansbury, a former lesbian who went through a sex change to become a man. Part of his transformation involved receiving heavy doses of testosterone.

My first injection was a pretty large one of 2 ccs of 200 milligram strength depo-testosterone, which is a fairly high amount. Just to give you a sense of how much that is, the average amount of testosterone in an average male body is between 300 and 1,000 nanograms per deciliter of blood. After that shot, and after an average shot, my testosterone levels go up to over 2,000 nanograms per deciliter, so that I have the testosterone of two high-testosterone men in my body at once.

So if you had assumed Griffin’s urges were more intense than yours, you’d probably . . . → Read More: The Testosterone Factor]]> If you’ve ever wondered why we men have trouble not staring at attractive women or why we have constant thoughts about having sex, it just might have something to do with the testosterone. When your girlfriend gets upset at you for checking out the waitress, just remember that you’re fighting a biological urge not to look. Not to mention your whole perception of sex is fundamentally different from hers.

Take the case of Griffin Hansbury, a former lesbian who went through a sex change to become a man. Part of his transformation involved receiving heavy doses of testosterone.

My first injection was a pretty large one of 2 ccs of 200 milligram strength depo-testosterone, which is a fairly high amount. Just to give you a sense of how much that is, the average amount of testosterone in an average male body is between 300 and 1,000 nanograms per deciliter of blood. After that shot, and after an average shot, my testosterone levels go up to over 2,000 nanograms per deciliter, so that I have the testosterone of two high-testosterone men in my body at once.

So if you had assumed Griffin’s urges were more intense than yours, you’d probably be right.

The most overwhelming feeling is the incredible increase in libido and change in the way that I perceived women and the way I thought about sex. Before testosterone, I would be riding the subway, which is the traditional hotbed of lust in the city. And I would see a woman on the subway, and I would think, she’s attractive. I’d like to meet her. What’s that book she’s reading? I could talk to her. This is what I would say.

There would be a narrative. There would be this stream of language. It would be very verbal.

After testosterone, there was no narrative. There was no language whatsoever. It was just, I would see a woman who was attractive or not attractive. She might have an attractive quality, nice ankles or something, and the rest of her would be fairly unappealing to me.

But that was enough to basically just flood my mind with aggressive, pornographic images, just one after another. It was like being in a pornographic movie house in my mind. And I couldn’t turn it off. I could not turn it off. Everything I looked at, everything I touched, turned to sex.

We just got a rare glimpse into one person’s perspective of how men and women view sex differently. But none of this is news to us. We all know how guys are motivated by sex and have sexual thoughts all the time.

But this next observation is something we hadn’t previously considered.

I remember walking up Fifth Avenue, there was a woman walking in front of me. And she was wearing this little skirt and this little top. And I was looking at her ass. And I kept saying to myself, don’t look at it, don’t look at it. And I kept looking at it.

And I walked past her. And this voice in my head kept saying, turn around to look at her breasts. Turn around, turn around, turn around. And my feminist, female background kept saying, don’t you dare, you pig. Don’t turn around. And I fought myself for a whole block, and then I turned around and checked her out.

I wonder if the testosterone was the devil on one of his shoulders telling him to turn around and check out that woman. I also wonder how many other female to male transsexuals would corroborate this experience. All I can say as a man is thank you for validating my biological urges. I know that wasn’t your objective when you set out to become a man, but it sure helps me feel much better about my natural urge to check out women on the street. There’s nothing anyone can say now to make me feel wrong about that anymore, including some ex-girlfriends.

And before, it was cool. When I would do a poetry reading, I would get up, and I would read these poems about women on the street. And I was a butch dyke, and that was very cutting-edge, and that was very sexy and raw. And now I’m just a jerk.

So I do feel like I’ve lost this edge, this nice, avant-garde kind of– and I’ve gotten into a lot of arguments with women friends, co-workers, who did not know about my past as a female. I call myself a post-feminist. And I had a woman say, you’re not a post-feminist. You’re a misogynist. And I said, that’s impossible. I can’t be a misogynist.

And I couldn’t explain to her how I had come to this point in my life. And to her, I was just a misogynist. And that’s unfortunate because it’s a lot more complicated than that.

Is your head spinning yet? A lesbian becomes a man and is accused of being a misogynist. It just goes to show how much room there is for even more understanding between the sexes. Feminism wasn’t enough to bridge the gap. We have to strike that balance between biological urges and the sensible override from our rational minds. Women have PMS and men have testosterone. Let’s make room for the hormones.

I invite you to listen to the whole episode of This American Life on the topic of testosterone. (The transcript is here if you don’t want to listen to it.) I look forward to your comments on this one.

Dr. Jenn writes…

“In my sex life, I’ve just been a tool for men’s masturbation.”

A woman in her mid-20s said this to me. She said that she and another female friend had realized this harsh reality about their sex lives. And they weren’t pleased with this realization.

What does this mean – “a masturbation took for men”? To me it means being sexually passive. It means women not knowing and owning their sexuality. It may mean men acting out what . . . → Read More: The Misery of Sex: Emotional Disconnection]]> Somewhere in my past I figured out or decided that sex with a woman I actually liked was far better than with women I barely knew. Sex just for the hell of it was often boring and not worth the chase. There is at least a minimal amount of rapport and intimacy required to make the sexual experience satisfying, even if it is for just one night. This notion is lost on a lot of guys who are focused on quantity rather than quality. And while I’m not going to judge any guy for being in pursuit of quantity, I would caution him that not treating women as whole human beings can lead to drama and disillusionment later on.

Dr. Jenn writes…

“In my sex life, I’ve just been a tool for men’s masturbation.”

A woman in her mid-20s said this to me. She said that she and another female friend had realized this harsh reality about their sex lives. And they weren’t pleased with this realization.

What does this mean – “a masturbation took for men”? To me it means being sexually passive. It means women not knowing and owning their sexuality. It may mean men acting out what they’ve watched in porn… and women feeling like they are only there for men’s pleasure. It sounds like it’s based on fear, embarrassment, performance-focus, and disconnect.

What it DOESN’T mean is good sex. And for the woman I spoke to, it doesn’t mean self-respect. This unfortunately isn’t a simple topic to tackle, as it involves many layers of socialization, gender roles, fear, shame, culture, religion, assumptions, and miscommunication. I think it is complicated for both women and men.

The same biochemical signals in our brains that cause drug addiction are the same ones that govern our sex drives. We get into these repeating patterns where we believe that having sex is going to bring us some kind of happiness or satisfaction that we don’t otherwise feel in the moment. Many of us lose sight of that all the time and that’s what motivates people to jump into bed without feeling a baseline connection with the other person. It starts to become a game of meeting your agenda at the expense of the other person. As it is with all trips of the ego, it’s not a fun game to play for very long.

Dr. Jenn continues on behalf of young women…

…ask yourself why you have sex? Go beyond the obvious and consider more “uncomfortable” reasons, such as feeling validated, getting attention, obligation, or drunkenness. Another young woman shared with me that the main reason she had sex was because it was easier than saying no. This is pretty heavy. Do you think that your reasons for sex match with the reasons that your partners wanted sex? There’s likely a mismatch here.

Guys, stop for a minute and consider that list of reasons. If you knew the girl you just slept with did it with you because of one of those reasons, would you feel completely good about the situation? If you would be totally fine with it, then you’re just treating sex as a commodity to be traded on an exchange. You will eventually pay the price for neglecting the emotional aftermath of empty sex. There are plenty of stories of disillusionment among “successful” pick up artists out there.

Now, I’m not bashing casual sex here because a fling or random encounter can be very emotionally connected and/or very satisfying. All I’m suggesting is that there’s much more room for taking responsibility for the potential emotional consequences of having sex. It can only improve your sex life.

Jason has already gone into detail about why stereotypically “nice guy” behavior can turn women off.  If you didn’t read Jason’s post, I recommend that you do, but to sum it up women aren’t turned off by men being good to them.  In fact, many, if not most of the women I meet appreciate a kind and thoughtful gentleman.  They are turned off by men who are “nice” as a way to get into their pants.  PUA lingo terms this “supplication.”  This form of niceness is inherently needy and dishonest.  Getting mad when your acts of kindness didn’t get you laid meant that they had ulterior motives and that they weren’t really acts of kindness after all, now were they?

But an important unattractive trait that many hopeless “nice guys” possess that Jason didn’t discuss is “nice guy victimhood.”  In fact, I think this may be the most unattractive quality of many of the hopeless nice guys I meet.  They . . . → Read More: Nice Guy Victimhood]]> Editor’s note: I’d like to welcome Neil as a new blog contributor for Real Magnetism. Neil’s an excellent writer and very well versed in the topics of self improvement and men’s issues. I’m very happy to have him here. –Jason

Jason has already gone into detail about why stereotypically “nice guy” behavior can turn women off.  If you didn’t read Jason’s post, I recommend that you do, but to sum it up women aren’t turned off by men being good to them.  In fact, many, if not most of the women I meet appreciate a kind and thoughtful gentleman.  They are turned off by men who are “nice” as a way to get into their pants.  PUA lingo terms this “supplication.”  This form of niceness is inherently needy and dishonest.  Getting mad when your acts of kindness didn’t get you laid meant that they had ulterior motives and that they weren’t really acts of kindness after all, now were they?

But an important unattractive trait that many hopeless “nice guys” possess that Jason didn’t discuss is “nice guy victimhood.”  In fact, I think this may be the most unattractive quality of many of the hopeless nice guys I meet.  They cede their personalities, their opinions, and, in turn, their self-respect for a woman they ultimately do not end up with.  And when things don’t work out, they turn to nice-guy martyrdom, lamenting the plight of nice men everywhere.  This line of thinking is inherently anti-woman; what they usually do is end up blaming women for their own lack of success.  Typically it goes like this: “Women say they want a good man, but what they actually want is an asshole who will treat them like garbage.  Look at me!  I showed up at her door with flowers/called her 9 times a day/agreed with everything she said and she STILL turned me down.”

They blame women for their lack of success, and deep down, though they might deny it, they hate women for rejecting them.  And is it any wonder that, coming from this place and this frame of mind, that women don’t find them attractive?  Just like how most men are turned off by the bitter man-hater, a woman will be turned off by the nice-guy woman-hating martyr.  It’s natural.

But nice guy victimhood deserves a deeper look.  Why is it that nice guys resort to this victimhood mentality in response to rejection?  I think it’s because it’s easier to play victim and to blame the world for your problems than it is to take responsibility for your own actions in life.  Just like the man who spends the night roaming around the bar not talking to anybody, and then saying at the end of the night “they were all sluts anyways,” it’s easier to blame the other party than it is to take a long look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you might need to improve to succeed.

A key component of therapy is getting the patient to realize that part of the responsibility of their station in life lies with them.  After all, we humans are a byproduct of our situation and the choices we make.  It may be hard to take responsibility for our circumstances because it also requires a long and often un-flattering look in the mirror, but it also serves as an important first step towards self-improvement.  If our choices got us here, then our choices can get us out.

I used to play the nice guy victim card, and my female friends didn’t respect me for it.  They called me what I was: a whiner.  And when I let go of that bitterness and looked in the mirror and decided to make a change, my results, unsurprisingly, changed as well.  It’s not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.  Thankfully, you have people like Jason who can help you through the process of discovering who you are and who you can be as a man.  So look in that mirror, stop blaming the world, and take that first step towards being the man you want to be.

What I didn’t realize is that the masculinity vacuum created by feminism is really a massive opportunity for men to define masculinity on individual terms just as women have done through feminism. The paradigm shift women have gone through is now catching up to us men. While women may have consciously demanded this shift in the past, we men now have to accept it and turn it into an opportunity. The blaming and whining has to stop.

Feminists were often (and still are) perceived to be “the enemy,” scapegoated for the tattered state of modern masculinity. But if you take the time and side-step past the rape culture paranoia, some of the patriarchy lunacy, and a lot of unnecessary soap-box speeches, then you get to the . . . → Read More: What is masculinity, anyway? It’s up to you!]]> Feminism, I owe you an apology. I’ve been blaming you too long for the “disadvantage” we men are currently facing in society. In the past, I thought feminism was making it harder for me to have more success with women because you destroyed all the gender roles and made it confusing to know what women want. There was no right way to be a man anymore. I felt lost and betrayed. And needy.

What I didn’t realize is that the masculinity vacuum created by feminism is really a massive opportunity for men to define masculinity on individual terms just as women have done through feminism. The paradigm shift women have gone through is now catching up to us men. While women may have consciously demanded this shift in the past, we men now have to accept it and turn it into an opportunity. The blaming and whining has to stop.

Feminists were often (and still are) perceived to be “the enemy,” scapegoated for the tattered state of modern masculinity. But if you take the time and side-step past the rape culture paranoia, some of the patriarchy lunacy, and a lot of unnecessary soap-box speeches, then you get to the heart of that movement: economic and social realities forced women to confront and transcend what defined them as women, and now it is time for men to do the same thing. And right now we’re sucking at it.

No doubt we are sucking at it. Some time ago I realized that knowing and asserting your individuality was the only path to success, whether with women, in business, or whatever. Most of the guys I was coaching needed help seeing who they really were and learning to own those aspects of themselves they couldn’t see or didn’t want to own. That alone made them vastly more attractive to women. Moving forward with that level of authenticity was the path to satisfaction. And so I continue with this philosophy today.

That’s the bitter pill, guys. No longer can previous generations or peers inform you on how to be a man. You have to define it for yourself and be willing to put yourself out there. Don’t worry, there are plenty of resources and people to help you along the way, myself included.

Let me know what you think in the comments.

A lot of PUA and dating advice for guys out there would have you be forward about being touchy. They advise you to set the precedent that your relationship with a particular woman will be physical. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if you’re doing it with the intent to attract the woman you’re talking to, it might come across as creepy or aggressive. It has to be spontaneous and comfortable for you to actually do it in order for it to come across well. It has to be in the context of having fun first before it goes any farther.

Touching really is just another form of rapport. It doesn’t mean anything other than you are creating a positive emotional connection with the woman. It won’t always mean she’s attracted to you sexually. . . . → Read More: Touching is a “touchy” business]]> Are you a touchy person? You know what I’m talking about. Some people just touch you randomly during a conversation more than others. Sometimes it’s cultural or just an individual’s personality. It’s just another way to establish rapport, but the trick is in doing it naturally and appropriately. You have to find out how touchy you are as a guy and go with it.

A lot of PUA and dating advice for guys out there would have you be forward about being touchy. They advise you to set the precedent that your relationship with a particular woman will be physical. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if you’re doing it with the intent to attract the woman you’re talking to, it might come across as creepy or aggressive. It has to be spontaneous and comfortable for you to actually do it in order for it to come across well. It has to be in the context of having fun first before it goes any farther.

Touching really is just another form of rapport. It doesn’t mean anything other than you are creating a positive emotional connection with the woman. It won’t always mean she’s attracted to you sexually. But it will give the two of your another means of communication besides speaking and body language. But if she is into you, you’ll probably know it sooner if you’ve already gotten comfortable touching or hugging her. That little extra squeeze from her at the end of a hug probably means something. And that opens the door for you to make your next move.

Any form of rapport, including touching can be flirtatious. If you’re feeling in the flow and in the moment, flirtation becomes a natural, fun thing. It might take the form of light teasing followed up by elbowing her in the arm. You’ll know you’re in flirtation if you feel tension in your body after saying or doing something spontaneous and a little risky. (Body awareness is fundamental, guys.) Then it becomes her turn to respond in kind or not. That’s feedback you can use, right?

You have to take incremental risks all the time in order to have the relationships you want whether it’s in love, business, or friendships. The key word there is “incremental.” It keeps the interaction moving forward. If you overreach and take too much of a risk, you’re more likely to drive her away. If you don’t take any risks, you’ll end up rejected or in the friend zone. Your objective is to find out what your natural pacing is for the process and just let it happen.

Oh, and don’t be like these guys.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments section.

In addition, this guy is clearly is objectifying his date because deep down he believes she’s out of his league. He’s interacting with his fantasy of her and ignoring her completely as a person. If she bothered to go out on a date with him, she’s giving him a real chance to make a positive connection. He believes there’s something wrong with him and he’s not worthy of her. His fear of being discovered by her is paralyzing him. He’s blowing his chance by trying too hard to be something he is not.

Watch in horror. Breakdown to follow…

Let’s take these in chronological order:

Asparagus pee

It appears this guy is trying to be cocky and . . . → Read More: PUA Detox: Breakdown of a Nice Guy Trying to Play the Jerk]]> Here’s a great example of what can go horribly wrong when otherwise “nice guys” use classic pick-up artist (PUA) tactics on a date. This example also demonstrates why classic PUA simply won’t work for the overwhelming majority of guys out there. It all boils down to this guy’s overwhelming sense of neediness and inadequacy. It also speaks volumes about how so many guys out there are still buying into the nice guy/bad boy duality, which I roundly debunked in a previous post.

In addition, this guy is clearly is objectifying his date because deep down he believes she’s out of his league. He’s interacting with his fantasy of her and ignoring her completely as a person. If she bothered to go out on a date with him, she’s giving him a real chance to make a positive connection. He believes there’s something wrong with him and he’s not worthy of her. His fear of being discovered by her is paralyzing him. He’s blowing his chance by trying too hard to be something he is not.

Watch in horror. Breakdown to follow…

Let’s take these in chronological order:

Asparagus pee

It appears this guy is trying to be cocky and unnecessarily rude in order to display confidence he doesn’t have. To say something like, “so kill me,” after she called him out on his rudeness, is rather petulant. Even his laugh afterward sounds like he’s trying to mock her. Observe his facial expressions as he speaks and you’ll see that he’s completely incongruent. He’s showing all kinds of fear and anxiety. His tone is defensive and weak.

Dress disapproval

This is a classic PUA “neg” which is also incorrectly executed. The “neg” was originally conceived as a “negative” comment designed to trigger the insecurities of a pretty girl in a loud night club. The strategy involved manipulating her into seeking approval from the guy delivering the neg and therefore creating “attraction.” Not only is the neg simply insulting, it is completely inauthentic. Guys would not use it if they were confident enough to make a real emotional connection and make their attraction known in a healthy way. Guys who use negs often sublimate their anger toward women when they deliver the lines, as this guy does in the video. You can see the loss of control on his face as she rightfully defends her selection of the dress.

DTF bomb

DTF means “down to fuck.”

To go sexually direct without establishing real attraction first is often a recipe for rejection. He can’t even sincerely say he wants to have sex with her. He doesn’t look her in the eye when he says it either. He’s painfully afraid of her rejection and can’t own his own desire for her. She justifiably threatens to slap him. She should have. He needs a wake up call.

His collapse and apology after dropping the line was also pathetic. By saying all his friends behave like that, he’s not even taking full responsibility for what he’s said. He may want her to believe that people either like him or want to slap him, but his entire being screams, “Please like me! Please don’t hurt me!” He wants her to believe he doesn’t care what people think of him, but nothing could be farther from the truth.

Sideswiping a police car

Another “bad boy” joke landing wrong. Clearly he’s not going to damage his Porsche and land himself in jail, so why is that funny? Yet another jerky comment in an effort to recover from a terrible impression that will stay with him as long as people have access to this video. He may never recover from being on this TV show.

*

Guys, you simply cannot cover up your lack of confidence by being a jerk. Nor can you truly connect with a woman if you’re overwhelmed by the fantasy of her. Your neediness will drive her away whether you’re being too nice or too jerky. There is no substitute for real confidence and authentic communication. You have to develop the unapologetic vulnerability of making the appropriate move when it feels right to you. You have to ask her out, flirt with her, kiss her, and take it from there. And you have to face all your fears and anxieties along the way, rejection included.

That’s why I love what I do so much. I have the privilege of leading guys to find their most authentic and confident nature by walking them through the process I went through myself. Guys that work with me get to experience the successes and failures in session so they don’t have to deal with it by trial and error in real life. That’s how coaching builds confidence quickly and makes you into the kind of guy women really want.

If you want to learn more authenticity, attraction and confidence, check out my free teleseminar this Thursday October 6th, 2011 at 7:00 PM Pacific.

There will be an awesome bonus for those attending!

Register here: http://www.realmagnetism.com/thinking