If this was Red Riding Hood, I may have stayed awake for the entire movie.

Well, we have another winner this week in the contest of “The Crappiest Movie I’ve Ever Seen” Sweepstakes. Yep, it’s Red Riding Hood, “starring” Amanda Seyfried and Gary Oldman. What a crock.

When Brianna and I saw the trailer for this movie last year (I think it was at the Harry Potter movie), we both said, “Hmmm, well that looks like a pretty movie.” A long, flowing red cape against the backdrop of a snow-covered forest. This looked like it could be one of those “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”-type of movies. Well, it was….for about 2.1 seconds. Once the awful studio sets came into focus and the actors opened their mouths, I knew I was going to be in for a looooong 90 minutes. And boy was I right.

Let’s start off with the Good: Okay, glad that’s over.

Okay, now let’s turn to the bad:

The movie I think believe takes place in some mythical village in the middle of nowhere at some point to what I presume is the middle ages. There’s the  guys dressed up in clanky armor carrying crossbows and swords, so I assume the story is supposed to happen a long time ago.Apparently, there’s been a werewolf terrorizing the village, and so we have to wait 90 minutes to figure out who it could be and why they’re doing it. A priest-like guy is brought in to find out who it is. Of course, he’s an evil person who gets what’s coming to him, but as a pseudo-villain, he dies in an extremely lame way. There’s absolutely no satisfaction.

So of course Red Riding Hood is engaged to be married to a douchebag, but is really in love with another douchebag. During the course of the movie we learn that the werewolf can talk, and wants to take RRH someplace away from the village. So the last excruciatingly-long 45 minutes is the audience trying to figure out who the werewolf is, as if we gave a shit.

The village where the movie takes place could have been set up in my basement and put together by my 2-year-old. Fake log cabins. Fake snow. Fake everything. It was constantly snowing in the movie, but I failed to see one person’s breath the entire time. And it’s REALLY sad when I notice crap like that…

Secondly, the acting/writing is as atrocious as you’d expect. I like Gary Oldman, I really do. He’s usually a pretty stand-up actor. But I can’t help thinking that he must’ve needed some dope money or something to do this film. He was awful. His character was awful. Everything was awful. Then there’s Amanda Seyfried, who really should never open her mouth on screen again. And finally, there’s her two love interests, who sound a lot like the two douchebags from the Twilight movie.

Douchebag 1: “But you could be the werewolf. And I will do what I have to do to protect this village.”

Douchebag 2: “I’d do the same to you.”

Douchebag 1: “Allright! We’re best buddies!”

In fact, one could say that this movie is like if you crossed the Twilight movies with the Twilight movies. It’s like if you take the shittiness of the Twilight movies and multiplied their shittiness by the exponent of their shittiness. That would equal this movie-I think.

The best part of this movie was the people dying. But even there, there just wasn’t enough death to make me appreciate it.

Overall, I wouldn’t want to wish this movie onto anyone. If they really wanted to get some information out of Khalid Sheik Mohammad for info about terrorist attacks, all they would have to do is show this movie over and over again.

5 Dirty Diapers.

By logical I don’t mean telling me that homosexuality will kill values or is akin to pedophilia.  (Sadly, I’m not joking about the last argument. I actually saw that one in a facebook feed).  I want concrete numbers that show gay marriage increases crime, or lowers church attendance, or something with actual statistics and facts behind it.  Or tell me that children do better in homes with both a mother and father, and then tell me that Protestant churches will shortly be banning divorce.

Or if you can’t frame a logical argument then tell me what part of the Bible gives you the right to judge.  Tell me what part of Christianity gives you the right to tell people how to live their lives.  And don’t quote the Old Testament because with the coming of Jesus the old covenants were broken.  Otherwise I want to see every single person who uses this argument living kosher.

Really though, I know there is no answer.  Humanity makes choices through fear and lack of understanding instead of research and thought.  But, mostly I just want to mark the occasion. I want my children and future generations to know:

We didn’t agree.  We believed every person should have equal rights. We are so very, very sorry.

Feel free to leave a comment.  Just keep it respectful and hopefully thoughtful.

Conlan Michael Willis

Officially I am completely outnumbered by the boys now, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  During this time my sister-in-law had her second child as well, so we now have two two-year-olds and two newborns between us.  Luckily she has two girls so when we all get together there is a nice even mix.

Since we are pretty sure this is our last go-around with the kiddos I am trying to enjoy the babyhood since I’ll have to wait for grandkids (if they have any) to do it all again.  Though, soaking up the moment is a lot easier when one is sleeping regularly.  Luckily, Patrick had some time saved up so we are getting to spend 6 weeks all together and then I’ll go back part time in mid-May.

Anyway, back to Conlan.  Isn’t he the prettiest newborn ever (they all kind of look like aliens)?  I dare you to tell me differently!

My impatience stems from the fact that well…  I’m fairly impatient to begin with, I’m in pain, and have very little in the way of distractions currently.  As my sister-in-law so aptly put it: everyday seems like groundhog day in the last few weeks of pregnancy.  I go to work, pick up McClain, lay around nursing my back and waiting for Patrick to get home, do the night routine, do homework, go to bed and start over.

Speaking of sister-in-law I am an AUNT times two!!!  WoooWhoo!  (Am I jealous she already had her baby?  Oh you better believe that shit!  Though she was always supposed to go a few weeks ahead of me.)

Anyway, lack of creative exploits has created a general sense of malaise and laziness.  I can’t even be bothered to put together an inspiring blog post.

Oh well, just a couple more weeks and we can welcome Willis 2.0 and perhaps I can start to feel like myself again.  Well, a sleepy-self full of hormones… but you get the picture.

Tow Mater the Tractor Tipper

Cars

RMV Rating: No Dirty Diapers

Yeah, it’s been a few years since Cars came out, but with McClain’s obsession with HotWheels and all other things car, we thought we’d watch it with him. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. I’m not sure where they got those cars that had eyes and could talk, but wherever they found them, they did a great job.

The plot, as you might expect, is pretty straightforward. Hotshot rookie car running for the “Piston Cup” must race in one final race to determine who wins the cup. On the way to the race in California, he gets lost and eventually pulled over in Radiator Springs. There he has to repave the road he destroyed before he can leave. Then there’s Tow Mater. And a love interest. And some nostalgia. You know the rest of the story.

The movie was cute, and while it was plainly obvious from about the 10-minute mark where the movie was going, it was still a fun watch. There was enough speed and action to keep it going through most of the movie, and of course Tow Mater added some nice little humor to the whole show. The movie had a good number of car puns and funny racing references so that those who know a little about racing could smile. And of course, McClain watched the whole thing. We split it up into two different nights, but he was captivated the whole way through.

All three of us would highly recommend this movie. This is the first one of 2012. Who cares if it’s 6 years old?!?

I admit, this week wasn’t the most original in terms of our discussions of American life, but we did manage to come up with a few conversation nuggets to hopefully add to your reading pleasure. One of the funnest things that has been happening for the last few weeks is that McClain is learning a whole lot of new words, which is really fascinating, and a lot of times, really funny. So as we continue to spread our wisdom on the blog, we’ll be adding some of McClain’s nuggets to the conversations. Of course, most of his expressions are only one or two words, but with the amount of jibberjabbing that he’s doing, we’re sure that will be changing very soon. Anyways, here you go!

*Sunday Morning about 10:30am*

Brianna: “Do you wan to go to the grocery store after breakfast. We can get everything we need for the week except beer.”

Patrick: *Pause* “Mmmmm, let’s wait until this afternoon.”

Brianna: “Wow, there’s lots of cool place to see in America”

Patrick: “Problem is they’re full of Americans.”

Brianna: “McClain has a new pet rock. I used to have a pet rock when I was little.”

Patrick: “McClain, what’s your pet rock’s name?

McClain: *No Answer*

Patrick: “You should name it Dwayne Johnson.”

Patrick: “McClain, what does green mean?”

McClain: “Go!”

Patrick: “Good job. What does red mean?”

McClain: “Stop!”

Patrick: “Excellent! Now what does yellow mean?”

McClain: *No answer*

Patrick: “Yellow means drive faster. The light’s about to change and you don’t want to get stuck.”

Brianna: “Patrick!”

McClain’s favorite phrases of the week (some of these are holdovers from previous weeks/months):

“Light!”

“Choo-choo!”

“Ew, Gross!”

“Bay-bee!”

This is the scene outside our house right now

In light of Facebook’s IPO this week, Brianna and myself have decided that now is the best time to finally make RMV public. So get ready, because Monday, we’re going to put out the opportunity for you to invest in Real Mountain Values and join us on this awesome ride that we’ve created. This IPO will generate not only some much-needed capital for some of the awesome projects we’ve got planned in the near future, it will, just like Facebook, literally create hundreds of millionaires overnight. Well, actually probably not. But those are just minor details.

Right now, we’ve planned on selling about 750 million shares of RMV (RMV on NYSE), most of which will of course, belong to us. As it is written up right now, I will receive 345 million shares, Brianna will get 32, and the rest will be for sale on Monday. Right now, we’re looking at probably about $89 per share, which while still being a bit behind some others like Apple and Exxon, should be a pretty fair value. At $89 dollars a share, that means that I will be worth approximately $30,705,000,000. Of course, this isn’t quite up to Bill Gates’ level (yet), but I feel there needs to be some goals left in life, so why not? BTW, if you’re wondering, Brianna’s net worth will be approximately $2,848. Not too shabby, if I do say so my self. She’s gonna have to be my sugar momma I guess.

Anyways, I hope you all are looking to diversify your portfolios soon. You won’t want to miss this opportunity to invest in one of the most innovative, efficient, and unique companies to ever hit the market. I don’t want you second-guessing yourself when all 750 million shares of RMV are bought up from the likes of Murdoch, Soros and Buffet. Get in on the action now!

Sure I did a couple of crafts you can read about here and here. And one that never even made it to posting (in the drafts file) but the plan was to show a comprehensive guide to low movement crafts. So what have I been doing instead of my challenge?

Pretty much nothing other than thinking, homework, and hanging out with my husband and son. Maybe, just maybe, that was what my impossibilities challenge should have been about the whole time. Trying to “Imagine” myself just taking it easy, relaxing, and being in the moment.

If you don’t know the “back”-story (bad pun intended) basically my unborn baby is pressing on my spine causing excruciating pain. Most days it is all I can do to make it to work and back home, and the only advice given from the doctors is lay down and relax as much as possible. Being the non-relaxing type my first weekend of couch laying was tremendously boring, but as the month has progressed I realized how lucky I am.  I have gotten to spend so much quality time with McClain. He gets on the bed or couch with me, runs his cars all over, talks in his sing-song language, plays with my hair, and generally makes himself at home where ever I am located.  As I simply lay and watch him play I have had time to enjoy these last few moments of just the three of us.  In a few short weeks he’ll be a brother and from that point on we’ll be a family of four.

Nothing like this staring you in the eyes to make the time pass all to fast.

These are the days I wouldn’t be able to get back.  Knowing myself, I would have spent the time trying to create the nursery, or clean the shelves, or basically anything other than just sit and watch my son if I physically had been able to.  Instead I have been given the gift of stillness.  Time to think about what matters, make plans for the future, and enjoy the present.  Patrick has always been better at taking in the moment, and I see more why as we sit side by side in the Sun watching McClain run about the yard.

Certainly, I won’t be spending the rest of eternity doing nothing.  In fact the new baby has dropped some giving me a little respite in the chronic pain and I already tried to take McClain shoe shopping.   Which left me limping and laying the rest of the weekend so hopefully I learned a lesson there as well.  So clearly as soon as I can; I will get back to “doing”.  BUT I hope I can remember that perfection isn’t necessary and take a few moments to just sit and relax.

So I failed on making wonderful crafts but I learned an impossible lesson: That sometimes just “being” is the best part of “doing”.

So here we are. The first of hopefully many Netflix movies reviews that will hopefully not only shed some light on the kind of crap we like to rent, but will hopefully direct you to see or (more likely) not see in the future. Since we have a two-year-old and have another kiddo on the way in a few weeks, we’re going to use the number of dirty diapers as our rating system theme. In this system, the higher the number of dirty diapers (up to 5), the worse the movie. If there are no dirty diapers, the movie was kick-ass; for example, Spaceballs. No diapers. On the other hand, a movie such as ‘Anaconda’ would get five dirty diapers.

Just so you know here’s the tale of the tape: We watch our movies on a 1080p 42″ Sharp Aquos HDTV with a Sony blu-ray player. Sound is through a Yamaha soundbar and powered subwoofer which gives us plenty of pop if we want it. So really, we are judging on the basis of the movie, and not the peripherals.

So here we go!

It's green. What more can you say?

Green Lantern

4 Dirty Diapers

When the opening sequence began, Brianna looked up from her homework and said, “This movie’s going to be shit.” Then she went back to her homework. And that’s all we really need to say about this movie. While I’m sure Brianna enjoyed looking at Ryan Reynolds for an hour and 45 minutes, that’s was about all the satisfaction we got out of it. Here’s the plotline:

Aliens are fighting in space. Good alien gets mortally wounded, crash lands on earth and gives a candy-machine ring to Ryan Reynolds, who flies around alot. Bad alien tries to kill him, gets sucked into the sun, and everyone is happy. While in reality there is more to the plot than this, it’s really not much more. One question I did have, well, actually there’s two. First, there’s this “evil” doctor guy who ends up becoming the minion of the evil alien. I’m not really sure what his true role in the movie as whole was, other than the overused “weird-looking guy turns into a nasty, vile-looking minion villain during the course of the movie” schtick. The second question, well, it’s not really a question, but it is, was that Tim Robbins was actually in this movie. Let me repeat, Tim Robbins was in this movie! Really, what the hey?!? He must’ve been smoking some really baaaad stuff when he signed that contract.

While the Green Lantern’s budget was somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 million, the director and producers probably thought that any sort of character development would have put the budget over the edge, so they neglected that portion of the movie.

The special effects were pretty good in some parts, but then reverted to “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” in others.

Overall, Green Lantern was a pretty craptastic movie. Really, the only reason why this movie didn’t get 5 dirty diapers is the fact that green is my favorite color, and there was lots of that.