We spent most days at games. We had tickets to every game. We’d get to the parks as soon as the gates opened and camp out. My son would do the toddler squat between rows of seats and play Pokemon on a Gameboy Advance SP. I loved it because it protected him from sunburn and foul balls. He couldn’t read yet, so he just walked his little character around in the tall grass until an encounter happened. We made sure he had a party that was overpowered for the area he was in, so all he had to do was press A until he’d beaten the Pokemon, then go back to walking. He’d repeat until his lead ‘mon ran out of PP for the first move in the list, then he’d turn the game off and on again without saving so he could go back to walking his little character around in the tall grass.

Back then, the Reds played at Ed Smith Stadium, and they would play the same playlist from the time the gates opened until the first pitch every day. We got to know the playlist by heart, ad we could tell how close we were to game time by the song they were on.

They had great food at Ed Smith, and with the money we weren’t spending on good accommodations, we could afford to eat whatever we wanted. We’d get our son unlimited cotton candy and ice cream cones that we had to eat most of to race the heat.

What I remember most about two weeks of nearly-daily baseball games was how good I got at knowing where the ball was going off the bat. In the first days, I didn’t know whether a contact would be a home run or a popup to the short stop. By the end, I could almost tell you where the ball landed just from the sound of the contact.

That was a pretty unexpected skill for me to gain. I had not grown up a baseball fan. I was the person with two after-school activities per night in high school and three part-time jobs at the same time in college. My husband, who had grown up a fan but had sworn it off in 1995 when the strike happened, had gotten back into it when Griffey Jr returned to the Reds. At first I thought it should qualify as grounds for marriage annulment; it was not fair that I did not know I was going to end up a baseball widow when I agreed to the marriage.

But the world was less serious back then, and I had the time to learn something new. As I watched broadcasts and asked questions, I could see the barriers to fandom baseball put up against its own prospective followers. I’ve made my career explaining technical things to beginners, and I saw a lot of opportunity to make baseball make sense to everyone.

Never was that need so obvious as one game I attended in person in Cincinnati. It must have been 2004, so it would have been Great American Ballpark by then. We sat two rows behind a young couple where the man obviously followed baseball but the woman didn’t. She’d ask him questions about what was going on and he’d sigh and shake his head and make fun of her for not already knowing. That’s when I thought I needed to start writing about baseball in plain language, someplace welcoming and free. I had a vision of that woman telling her boyfriend something she’d read on my blog and shutting him up with her wit and wisdom.

Blogging was a lot of fun back then. It was just hobbyists cracking themselves up. The Reds were always awful, but that doesn’t matter when you’re making jokes. If anything, that makes it easier. Bloggers would get together for online chats that we’d publish on our sites, and we’d meet up in person for occasional games. It was online friending.

As time went on, things got more complicated: in baseball, in my life, in the whole world. Blackout rules became insurmountable. I stopped enjoying the baseball, then I stopped enjoying the blog, then I stopped writing the blog.

That was probably the wrong order to do those things in.

Now it’s 20 years later. Spring training trips are charmless package deals. My son still plays handheld games, but now he also develops them, plus he’s too tall to comfortably sit in stadium seats, let alone squat down between the rows. I have another kid, and she hates baseball with a fervent passion. I spend my free time protecting the environment and democracy. But I also have a subscription that lets me watch Reds games again for the first time in probably 10 years.

Game 2 of the season just wrapped. It’s a win against the Giants! Maybe I’ll learn these new guys’ names. Maybe I’ll remember how to crack jokes–I certainly could use the laugh. Maybe I’ll get used to Joel being mentioned on every TV broadcast.

One thing I’m not going to do is draw anyone’s attention to the fact that I wrote this. No one needs to hear a middle-aged lady’s nostalgia about the good ol’ days of the mid ’00s.

Walt: Hi, Bob. Rob.
Rob: Why don’t you grab a seat and join us for a minute?
Bob: We’re just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you?
Walt: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the Hall of Fame entrance, so no one sees me. Uh, and after that, I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Rob: Space out?
Walt: I just stare at my desk but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I’d say, in a given week, I do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
Bob: Would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more?
Walt: The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy. It’s just that I just don’t care.
Rob: Don’t, don’t care?
Walt: It’s a problem of motivation. Now, if I work my ass off and the Reds win a few more games, I don’t see another dime. So where’s the motivation? And here’s another thing, Bob. I have four different bosses right now!
Bob: Four?
Walt: Four, Bob. You, of course, Bryan, the fans, and somehow Dusty still tells me when I’ve screwed up. So that means when I make a mistake, I have four different groups coming by to tell me about it. That’s my real motivation – is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job, but y’know, Bob, that will only make someone work hard enough not to get fired.
Bob: Bear with me for a minute.
Walt: Ok.
Bob: Believe me, this is hypothetical. But what if you were offered some kind of stock option and equity sharing program?
Walt: Sure, I guess.
Bob: One thing, before we’re done. It looks like you’ve been missing a lot of trades lately.
Walt: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing them. Y’know, trades take a good three hours to make, and like I said, I only put in about 15 minutes of work a week.
Rob: Sure. I think that we’re finished here.
Bob: We’ll get back to you in a few days.
[Noise as Walt gets up and leaves.]
Rob: What a straight shooter.
Bob: Definitely. I think our problem is we haven’t challenged him enough to get him really motivated.
Rob: I agree.
Bob: What he needs is at least another year.

So there you have it. That’s what led the Reds to extend Jocketty. And I think with another year of doing nothing, the Reds can achieve a second, consecutive fourth-place finish. Heck, they might even be able to wrest last place from the hands of the Cubs.

You have to go to international waters even if you have implied oral consent.

CINCINNATI – At 7:10 p.m. ET today, Cincinnati Reds baseball fans faced a difficult choice: turn to the game or continue watching the 2-week marathon of every episode of The Simpsons on FXX.

“Dead Pudding Society” was playing when the game started, and some fans found they couldn’t tear themselves away.

“I haven’t seen a rerun of Bart and Todd Flanders going head-to-head in putt-putt in at least a couple months,” explained dedicated fan Mike Rotch, “but I feel like I’ve seen the same Reds’ game over and over every night for a week.”

Thanks to injuries and a postponed game, the Reds find themselves even more short-staffed. Substitute pitcher David Holmberg started the opening game in the series against the Atlanta Braves. “Bart Versus Thanksgiving” (the one where Bart destroys Lisa’s Thanksgiving centerpiece) wasn’t even over before Holmberg had given up the first run.

“The Simpsons marathon lasts 12 days, but the Reds are already 10 games back,” said Rotch. “I guess I’m just ready for a little break from my regular entertainment.”

Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.

CINCINNATI – A local man who slept through the last 20 months is being touted as a modern-day Rip Van Winkle.

Walt Jocketty (63), who works as the General Manager for the Cincinnati Reds, was discovered snoozing under a hedge high in the Walnut Hills last night. He’s been missing since December 2012, shortly after he completed a trade for Shin-Soo Choo.

“There’s instant replay in baseball now?” said a confused Jocketty. “Did I sleep through hell freezing over, too?” Hell may not be frozen, but fans of the Reds felt Jocketty’s absence at last year’s Winter’s Meetings, as well as at the last two trade deadlines.

“I just can’t believe Albert Pujols is good again,” said Jocketty. “I can’t wrap my head around Adam Dunn being a pitcher. I’m freaking out.”

The Reds have hired a counselor to help Jocketty reintegrate into society after such a long sabbatical. They’re also launching an investigation into how the team could go without a General Manager for so long without anyone noticing or doing anything about it.

“I admit I thought it was weird when we didn’t deal Simon at the deadline,” said team owner Bob Castellini, “I should have actually checked whether Walt was at his desk.”

>>BREAKING NEWS: The Cincinnati Reds have traded left fielder Ryan Ludwick to St. Louis for catcher Yadier Molina.

In exchange for content to help fill the 24-hour news cycle, CNN is making available its Situation Room and holographic simulation technology for the extensive trade deadline coverage.

>>BREAKING NEWS: Almost 4% of Reds fans support the trade of Ludwick for injured Molina.

“We’re going to see what it’s really like for these heroes on the front-office: constantly searching for another cup of coffee, never sure when their cell phone battery is going to give out,” said Wolf Blitzer. “Full-scale simulations of their office desks and laptop computers will really put the viewers in the middle of the action.”

>>BREAKING NEWS: Experts say the Molina trade will boost the burgeoning tech sector in St. Louis.

MLB Analyst Peter Gammons will be pocket tweeting his reactions to trades as they happen, and MLB Network insider Ken Rosenthal will have a live camera positioned inside his offices at MLB Network throughout the day. “You’ll be able to tell my confidence in the trade rumors I’m discussing based on the color of my bow tie,” said Rosenthal. “Red means it’s a long shot, yellow means it could happen, and green polka dots means it’s a sure thing.”

>>BREAKING NEWS: The previously announced Ludwick/Molina trade was incorrectly reported. It turns out we just overheard some guys at a BW3 talking about what would be the stupidest trade possible and we ran with it.

MLB Network expects the coverage to be a booming success and is in talks with James Earl Jones to record a “This is MLB Network” stinger.

Frazier will be leading off, followed by the rest of his Little League teammates. (Image source.)

CINCINNATI – Third baseman Todd Frazier is calling on some old friends to help the fragmented and foundering Reds find their legs.

Frazier was famously a member of Toms River East American All-Stars, the team that won the Little League World Series in 1998. This week he put in some calls to get the gang back together.

“When in doubt, go back to basics,” said manager Bryan Price. “We have a heck of a lot of doubt right now, and I can’t think of anything more basic than little league, so I say we give these guys a shot.”

In a scene right out of “The Replacements,” one by one a college pitching coach, a QA analyst, a mechanical engineer, and a graphic designer each reported for duty.

“At least two of these guys played well into their late teens,” said Frazier, “And they all have miles and miles of heart.”

“I’m wiry,” said little league second baseman Joe Franceschini.

If Frazier succeeds in filling the General Manager void, he says he’ll consider filling more front-office positions. “Tommy’s dad is a lawyer,” said Frazier, “so he could always help with the contracts.”

Frazier and Jeter, 16 years apart

In case you were wondering why all the baseball teams just suddenly stopped playing and the most recent score on your phone sports app is from Sunday, that’s because it’s the All Star break. The game was last night, with the National League losing to the American League 5-3, thanks entirely to the terrible pitching by the St. Louis Cardinals.

It was also the last All Star game for Derek Jeter. However, that was not because he was going to be a human sacrifice following the game as I originally thought. Apparently, he’s decided he sucks at baseball now and wants to quit instead of going after Pete Rose’s hit record.

That also was not what the game and the break has been about for me. No, for me, it’s been Todd Frazier blossoming on the national scene. First, he was selected to participate in the home run derby. This is the first time I’ve sat through an entire derby–three hours of batting practice, counting the rain delay–and it’s thanks entirely to Frazier. He was that much fun to watch.

After his initial round of only 2 home runs, I figured he was done. But then Yasiel Puig hit no home runs in his 5 seconds of trying, and Frazier tied with Justin Morneau. After Frazier won the tie-breaker, he advanced to the second round and easily dispatched Troy Tulowitzki 6-2. In the semi-finals, Frazier narrowly squeaked by Giancarlo Stanton 1-0.

That made Frazier the National League Home Run Derby champion, which is pretty cool. Sure, he was easily dispatched by the defending champion Yeonis Cespedes, but it was quite enjoyable to see Frazier competing with his oldest brother throwing the pitches.

Frazier walked in his lone at bat during the All Star game. And hopefully, we’ll get to see him and many more Reds take the field when the game comes to Cincinnati next year.

1. Chris Heisey, CF
2. Skip Schumaker, RF
3. Todd Frazier, 3B
4. Brayan Pena, 1B
5. Ryan Ludwick, LF
6. Ramon Santiago, 2B
7. Zack Cozart, SS
8. Tucker Barnhart, C
9. Homer Bailey, P

Ouch. Only one of those hitters–Frazier–is having an above-average offensive year. Out of all the teams in the majors, there is only one that I can see this weakhouse lineup being effective against: the Cubs. Thankfully, the Reds are playing them today.

I hope he still wears high socks while he’s on the DL.

The Reds placed their first baseman on the 15-day disabled list Tuesday with an injury to his left quadriceps muscle, and they returned catcher Brayan Pena from the paternity leave list. Votto last played on July 5 and went 0-for-4 in a loss to Milwaukee.

Manager Bryan Price has said that he didn’t expect Votto to be at 100% all season, so it was common knowledge. And yet, General Manager Walt Jocketty didn’t see the need to be overcautious and do silly things like arrange for a back-up first baseman. Why bother when the team already has an overabundance of infielders and offensive threats?

I didn’t see this coming though. Even though we all knew Votto needed to go on the DL, I really expected the team to limp along with 24 active players until after the All-Star break. Kudos to the team for failing to fulfill my lowest expectations.

Yesterday, the roster for the 2014 All Star game was announced, and the Cincinnati Reds are well represented. Aroldis Chapman, Johnny Cueto, Todd Frazier, and Devin Mesoraco were all selected to go to Minnesota and represent the National League this year.

Can you believe that? Four All Stars? Does this crappy team seem like one with four All Stars? It doesn’t to me.

The team is in 4th place and has had a winning record for maybe a week. I find it hard to believe that a team that’s just above the Chicago Cubs, currently in the second century of their rebuilding effort, would have four players selected.

Not to mention, the manager of the National League who picked all those Reds–none were voted in–was the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals. The last time a Cardinal manager picked, Cueto was snubbed by infamous curmudgeon and kitten squeezer Tony LaRussa.

But not this time. Cueto has made his first All Star game, as have Mesoraco and Frazier. This will be Chapman’s third.

The strange thing about the players selected is that it feels like an obvious player–Alfredo Simon–was overlooked. I would’ve thought the pitcher leading the league in wins would have a legitimate shot at being an All Star. I guess not. He’s not even on the lame Last Man vote.

So sorry Simon. Maybe this’ll give him time to defend his rape case. But congratulations to all the Reds players. With this many, I might have to tune in to catch their appearances.

Hamilton steps in for his first at bat of the 2014 season.

Cincinnati Reds center fielder Billy Hamilton has won the National League rookie of the month award for June, thanks to his fantastic speed and his improvement at the plate.

The 23-year-old speedster led the N.L. with 14 stolen bases while his 36 hits were tied for second. Hamilton paced N.L. rookies with 18 runs scored, three home runs, 10 doubles, 18 RBI, and a .500 slugging percentage. His .327 (36-for-110) batting average also was the highest among the League’s rookies.

So congratulations to Hamilton on winning this award I’ve never heard of. He’s the first Red to win it since I didn’t hear of it when Todd Frazier won it two years ago.

Billy Hamilton, will receive a specially designed trophy, suitably engraved, to commemorate his performance.

“Suitably engraved,” huh? I guess that means no cusses.

Bryan Price finished his first half-season as a manager with a 43-38 record.

When the Cincinnati Reds completed their sweep of the San Francisco Giants this last weekend, they had reached the mathematical halfway point of the season. They’re record at that point? 43-38.

What a difference a week makes. Before the trip to San Fran., I doubt anyone would’ve guessed the Reds would be 5 games over .500 at the halfway mark. Four game sweeps do wonders for the ol’ record.

At that overall pace, they’d have a record of 86-76 at the end of the season. That’s unlikely to win the division or to secure either of the wild card slots. It’s difficult to guess how they’ll play the rest of the way, though, as the team is playing its best baseball of the season right now.

If I had to guess, I would expect the team to fall back to earth and meander their way to the finish line. Aside from the starting pitching and a couple offensive players, the team isn’t good enough for the postseason.

Of course, some well-placed and well-timed upgrades to the bullpen or the offense could really turn things around, but we know that’s not happening. The Reds’ so-called General Manager Walt Jocketty will fail to make any trades down the stretch, as he’s failed to do so many times before.

I’m happy to see the Reds playing entertaining baseball again. Unfortunately, there’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind that won’t let me believe it’s for real.

Joey Votto’s back.

He’s been back for only two full games, but it feels closer to a healthy Votto to me.

For those two games, he’s batting .286, getting on base 37.5% of the time, and slugging .429. And that’s not counting the double and single he had in today’s game.

It might be wishful thinking, but given how terrible and unentertaining this Reds team has been, having one guy that’s fun to watch feels like a god-send.

Welcome back, Joey. I’ve missed you.

This picture of Votto about to swing is symbolic of the “swing” he’s about to make at this whole “coming back from injury and waking the Reds the hell up” he’s about to try.

After 25 days of a quadriceps strain, Joey Votto is finally back!!

Will he be the silver bullet that pulls this team together? He wasn’t before the injury, so I don’t know why he would be now.

I’m excited anyway. I guess if I have to see a team lose, I’d rather watch Votto lose than the triple-A guys. (If I wanted to watch a triple-A team, I’d watch the Braves. They’re the youngest team in baseball, with an average age of just over 27, but they’re still leading their division. Maybe I *should* watch the Braves.)

Speaking of triple-A guys, to make room for Votto on the 25-man, the Reds optioned Donald Lutz.

Nick Howard, the first pick by the Reds for the 2014 draft.

Spector begins with a disclaimer.

Here’s the thing about draft grades, though: 10 years ago, the draft featured eight first-round picks who never played a day in the major leagues, including No. 1 pick Matt Bush and No. 8 Wade Townsend. Mark Reynolds, a three-time 30-home run hitter, went in the 16th round.

What follows, then, is a series of grades that are stupid, but that also come with the knowledge of their stupidity.

And how did the Reds do?

Nick Howard (No. 19) is part of the Two First Names Club, so there are some people who will not trust him, but this is part of the Reds’ philosophy, as they selected Philip Ervin in the first round last year. Hopefully he’ll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery. Stanford shortstop Alex Blandino (No. 29) is the compensatory pick for Shin-Soo Choo, so, hey, no pressure, right?

Yay! The Reds got an “A”! I’m sure we’ll all look back on this grade in 10 years time and nod with satisfaction. Especially if Howard avoids Tommy John surgery.

RHM favorite Paul Daugherty has decided that Jocketty is awesome and should be praised instead of criticized until he does something to earn his paycheck.

Props to Walt Jocketty.

Good job, helping The Club to three playoffs and two division titles in four years. Thanks for bringing in S Rolen, without whom the Reds don’t win the 2010 division title.

Yes, Jocketty has been the GM when the Reds have returned to the playoffs. That is true. Rolen was a valuable addition in 2010. Unfortunately, he killed the team in 2011 and 2012. The Rolen trade was a short-term boost that was a good move in 2010 that became a bad one later. Rolen is both a plus and a minus for Jocketty’s record.

Thanks for dealing for Mat Latos, who when healthy is a bull and a very solid No.2.

Hell, Latos might be a number one when healthy. That was a gutsy trade. I remember being excited about it when Jocketty made it back in 2011.

Thanks for A. Simon, acquired for nothing, off the waiver wire.

It was a no-risk move when Jocketty picked Simon up from the Baltimore Orioles in 2012. Without Simon, the team’s record this year would be even worse.

Daugherty forgets to mention the trade for Shin-Soo Choo in 2012, but since that coincides with Jocketty’s failure to replace Choo, I understand the omission.

Basically, Daugherty’s grand defense of Jocketty boils down to things the GM did years ago. Those things were good, and my criticism of Jocketty is made in comparison to those. In Jocketty’s first years with the Reds, he was active and competent. His moves addressed weaknesses and strengthened the team. But after the trade for Choo in 2012, Jocketty has become passive and incompetent.

Including the pickup of Simon as an example of a shrewd move by Jocketty does more to show his lack of them now. Have there been no other players available on the waiver wire that could’ve helped this team? Have there been no minor trades that Jocketty could’ve made to bolster the upper minors? With 29 other baseball teams, I find that hard to believe. There was someone out there who was available cheaply and at little risk who would have been better than an unable to play Joey Votto. Jocketty just isn’t trying.

I gave it a click, and–I won’t lie–it starts out pretty rough. First you get to hear about how the author isn’t really a baseball fan, being much more in to football and basketball (how original).

Then you get an informative lesson in why there are more pitchers than other position players (“This is likely due to the fact that pitchers do not play every single game of the year.”–Stop it! You’re blowing my mind, man!)

But just when I was ready to blow off the whole thing, I realized I’d scrolled all the way to the bottom checking out the graphs.

So I guess that means I ought to share this little time-waster with you, too. If you go check it out, you’ll learn:

• There are 19 players who throw left-handed but bat right-handed, and they’re paid the least of all the throwing/batting handedness combinations.
• The Colorado Rockies are the tallest team, but only the 11th-heaviest team.
• There are only 5 players from Canada, which makes them the 8th biggest contributor of players to MLB. It would have been 7th, but Puerto Rico got counted as a separate country. It would be 9th if you counted Texas as its own country, which seems pretty reasonable to me.