There was a time in my life when parenting was EASY. There was nothing I couldn’t do. That time was 1977-2001… also known as BEFORE I ACTUALLY HAD CHILDREN.

I could have told you everything parents did wrong and what the right choice would be. I could have fully explained proper discipline, correct bedtime routines and what constitutes a healthy meal.

Then of course I had kids.

This week there is one thing running through my head.

“This is haaaaard.”

But even now, I look at other parents and think that perhaps they have it easier. Thankfully most of my closest friends are parents and they are there to hold my proverbial hair back while I purge all the complaints and whines of the day.

You can tell me parenting isn’t rocket science, but I could probably find you a rocket scientist that’s as confused about it as I am. He or she is probably wondering how they can figure out the vector something something of a rocket leaving orbit something something… but can’t get their kid potty trained.

I sit down defeated some days and wonder how I can learn to read an ECG but can’t figure out the hockey championship schedule for minor hockey.

There are some things that parents just can’t do. For example,  I can hold my son accountable for his chores and homework and how he treats other people. But I can’t *make* him behave at school. It doesn’t matter what treat I dangle in front of him, he still makes some poor choices. And in some cases, it makes things worse because he thinks “not only have I lost my footing here at school, but now life at home is going to be horrible” because of whatever privilege he imagines he’s just lost.

And I sit down, head in hands and try to remember: How does the wise man learn to make good choices? By making bad choices.

And it doesn’t just work for the kids, that’s kind of how parenting works, too.

How do I know that yelling at my kids doesn’t work? I’ve yelled at them, and it didn’t work.

I think… I think that perhaps you have to learn to NOT take things personally with kids. Which is hard, because what is more personal than your children??

Case in point: yesterday I had a fever, was exhausted after three days of 12 hour night shifts, and I took my son to his hockey game. I cheered, I encouraged, I tried to keep his spirits up after a loss. It seemed to be going well.

But our stumbling block was my lack of cash and his deep, essential need to have some ice cream from a specific ice cream machine in the rink. And I said no.

The pouting began.

And the hardest thing in the world at that moment was to control my temper.

What I wanted to say was “I’m your sick, tired, overworked mom and I’m trying my best and have gotten you to hockey, I make sure you get to every hockey game and practice and organize everything I can do to get you to where you need to go…. and yet I’m currently seen as a total failure by you because I can’t make ice cream come out of this machine with $3.75.”

What I did was tell him to get in the van and stop pouting. And then I cried. Which probably freaked him out a little bit more than the previous paragraph would have. But it was an honest emotion.

The paragraph I wanted to say was not an honest emotion. It was a list of complaints detailing why he was wrong and why I was right. How well does that every work when you are in conflict with someone?

Oh, I’m upset with you and so to prove how this is your fault and not mine, I’m going to list my awesomeness and then list your failures. Not a good tactic at any time.

And yet I think parents do this – I know I have in the past.

We react in anger. And anger is just a mask for a different emotion, usually fear.

In this case, I was sad that I couldn’t do everything for him and fearful that he would see me as a failure because I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) buy him the ice cream. The little voice in the back of my head was saying “I bet his dad would buy it for him”. And the fear that being the parent in charge of all the discipline and all the instruction and all the day-to-day worries will result in him overlooking the good things I do… that fear was overwhelming.

I’m done with fear-based parenting. A parent who parents out of fear is an angry parent.

I don’t want to be that parent.

But Lord, it’s haaaaard.

Every once in a while I just get overwhelmed by seeing so many awesome things that I just want to tell everyone.

Inevitably I’m somewhere away from my computer and too rushed to try type a blog post on my iPhone. I just want to grab strangers and tell THEM the awesomeness of whatever I’ve encountered. And to tell you the honest truth, I actually HAVE grabbed the odd stranger.

This isn’t advertising, no one has asked me to post these things, I just want to share.

1. David’s Tea. I overspent at this store today. Thanks to a fellow mom who fed me some tea to die for at a recent playdate, I’m not the owner of some loose leaf tea: Organic Sweet Ginger Heat, Chocolate Chili Chai, Organic Green Seduction, Toasted Walnut, and Goji Pop. This stuff kicks coffee’s butt. And right now you get 3 free samples when you spend $50 online – trust me, that’s way too easy to do.

2. Kale Chips. I was sceptical. I mean, baked lettuce? But it’s not. It’s KALE and it’s healthy and crunchy and scrumptious when baked for 15 minutes at 350 with a little EVO and sea salt. And even my kids ate them.

3. Oxygen Magazine. Due to my work schedule, I’ve been missing my favourite gym. This is the next best thing. It is the only magazine I don’t recycle. The only magazine I read from cover to cover within the day and then re-read. If you are getting in shape, or already in shape, this is the magazine to read.

4. Bay5. This is one of my most favourite places in the world. My trainer, Zac, just posted this on his Facebook page and I’m shamelessly stealing the pic and posting it here. I’ve sweat here, I’ve bled here, I re-discovered myself here. It’s kind of grungy, and you should never wear white … but you shouldn’t do that at my house either.

5. Pinterest. I know it’s a time-waster if you let it. I know there can be some useless things there. But it can also be awesome. I’m actually learning things on this site. If I hadn’t started pinning I probably wouldn’t have jumpstarted the home renos. It just gives me the confidence that if someone else can “do DIY”then so can I.

6. Netflix. How have I survived without this? I know, overdramatic much? But I’m hip deep in Rescue Me and have a ton of documentaries and movies ahead of me. It’s my escape at the end of the day – for $8 freaking dollars a month! (For the record, I think that the depiction of life at a fire hall is… well… right on the money.)

That’s about all I can think of for now.

I feel I have passed on awesome knowledge. But usually I’m the last to know about these cool things.

Share something awesome with me, wouldya?

I once read a blog post that started with the statement,”I am an extreme mom”, and it took me a few paragraphs in before I realized she meant “I’m a better mom than you”. The gist of her point was that because she spent almost every waking minute with her baby and enjoyed each moment, she was a better mom, a more extreme mom… like, Ultra Mom. Or Mega Mom. She’s the Venti Mom to my Grande Mom.

I think my response was something along the lines of “um… you have a baby. Sooooo come back when your kid actually, you know, acts like a kid”.

Because at some point, your kid is going to misbehave and actually make you kind of angry.

How extreme is it to be screaming into a pillow and locking yourself in the bathroom for a little r&r?

I think maybe your extreme and mine? They aren’t really the same.

Many people have seen the “creative” way one dad punished his daughter for her disrespectful Facebook post. Here’s the Cole’s Note’s version: he said if she ever repeated a previous egregious Facebook posting error of criticizing her parents … he would put a bullet through her computer. She did. So he did.

His logic was that he was following through with what he said he would do.

Some say he’s being a bully, some say he’s hilarious. Some wish they had the cojones, some think the girl should be taken away from the crazy gun-totin’ Republican. (Cause he has to be a Republican to own a gun, right? And have a drawl. And be an anal disciplinarian. Right? I mean why couldn’t some really cool Canadian do this, eh?)

I think he’s just another example of extreme parenting. And at some point in our parenting career we all have moments of extreme parenting.

“If you ever…”

“I will never…”

“.. grounded until college!”

“… over my dead body!”

“… it will be taken away forever!”

I am pretty sure more than one of these has left my lips over my 10+ year parenting marathon. In fact just this morning I wa threatening to withhold something from my son that I really, really didn’t want to take away from him. As soon as the words were spoken I cringed. I did NOT want to follow through. And that’s the thing with using threats to elicit compliance from your kids. Either they will work or you will have to follow through. And they won’t always work.

In fact, if you were ever a kid like me growing up, you would have pushed past any limit your parents set down just to prove that you knew exactly how to play brinksmanship and you were going to WIN. Yes, it was about WINNING.

I was like the Charlie Sheen of teenagers. Without the drugs.

Or the hookers.

Or, really, the illegal behaviour.

But I had extra helpings of attitude and stubbornness.

Anyway, I am certain my children are my mother’s payback. And the proper discipline of said children is something that I may never, ever WIN at. Because it’s damn hard and frustrating and there are days when I could go off the deep end and shoot a computer. Or hockey bag. Or beloved stuffie.

But we do have a few rules regarding discipline in our house:

1. No punishment is valid if handed out in anger.

2. Parents should apologize when wrong.

It would be wonderful if these two rules prevented poor parenting behaviour, but they don’t. Just like rules for behaviour don’t prevent misbehaviour. They just help get back on track when things have gone off the rails. Before these two rules were in place, I felt like such a parenting failure when I’d have to half-heartedly enforce some punishment I felt bad for doling out in the first place. Because if I’d been calm and had my wits about me, I would have done something a little smarter and more effective.

The epilogue of the gun-toting father is kind of a funny one.

Truthfully though the social attention has helped her and I both deal with it. We had our discussion about it after she returned home from school. We set the ground rules for her punishment, and then I let her read some of the comments on Facebook with me at my computer. At first it was upsetting. Then as we read it became less so, eventually funny to both of us.

At the end, she was amazed that other people had such amazingly strong reactions. Some said she’d grow up to be a stripper. Others that she’d get pregnant and become drug addicted because of the emotional damage. She actually asked me to go on Facebook and ask if there was anything else the victim of a laptop-homicide could do besides stripping because all the posts seem to mention that particular job and she wasn’t so keen on that one.

The fact that they were able to sit down and have a conversation and deal with the aftermath of misbehaviour-punishment-reaction is very hopeful. It’s hard to judge a parent-child relationship from a brief moment in time when you see it in real life, nevermind out there on the interwebs.

But when you think about it, the dad went out into a field and shot (oh, bad pun) a video to show her (and the world, apparently) of the punishment. Can you imagine the reaction if he’d drug his daughter out there with him… and the laptop… and the gun… and let this all play out in real time? With emotions high and possible anger waiting to erupt?

That would have been a recipe for disaster. And the more I think about this dad’s response, the more I see it as calm and calculating.

I’m still not employing the use of any type of firearm in my parenting arsenal.

And I’m trained on the C-7, so let’s be clear that I could handle one.

And it would have been a whole lot more impressive than an ittybitty handgun.

gun-totin' mamawww.

I recently joined Pinterest. That sentence alone will cause many of you to nod knowingly throughout this post.

Because NOW I get it. Now I get what the fuss was about.

First, it can suck you in for hours at a time. Looking at… THINGS. But not just things… it’s like a smorgasbord of Ways My Life Will Improve If I Could Just Do This Thing. One moment I’m looking at the computer screen, the next I’m rearranging furniture to make my living room look like someone else’s because surely THAT would make my home better.

In the back of my mind I have a running list … metallic paint, spray paint… wine rack for towels… round cake pan… random frames… an old rake… just THINGS that I’ve seen on Pinterest that I want to do. The point of this site was to “pin” something for yourself to do later, I think, but not once have I gone back and looked at my own pins. I just keep pinning more and more and more and ideas germinate and I’m ready to take a leap into the realm of crafty home improvement.

I have no idea how to do anything with electricity but I want to replace my chandelier. I have no idea how to tile but I want to redo the tiling around my tub. I have no painting supplies but I want to repaint my son’s room.

I’m convinced this will all IMPROVE my home. And my life.

But will it really?

When in our lives do we get to stop thinking about improving our home, our life, our situation… and just enjoy what is?

Will labeled jars make my life better? What about pebble pillows? How about knowing how to make sidewalk paint? Does my porch need this?

I’m setting some rules. Because helter-skelter-pinteresting will not a better home make.

If it will make me smile to see it every day…. if my kids will think it’s cool… if it will make my life easier… if it will enhance my time in my home… it it will make my home more welcoming to others.. then I will do it.

But if it’s just a wish, like a place to go or something to see or some unachievable thing (like the design of a bathroom bigger than my master bedroom) then I’m moving on. I’m unfollowing and unpinning.

And if I spend more time pinning things on Pinterest than I actually do on projects? I’m doing “home improvement” all wrong.

If you want to follow me and can follow those rules? C’mon over.

I wish someone had told me all that would be involved in being a hockey mom. I had heard some crazy stories about early morning hockey practices and insane hockey parents. It was all a bit intimidating and left me never wanting my kid to play hockey.

But. He loves it.

And strangely, I find myself loving it too. Now that I know some of the rules and have muddled my way through part of one year, I find myself TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY QUALIFIED (hahaha) to comment on how to be a hockey parent. I’m going to bookmark this post and re-read it in about five years and see if I sound like a complete idiot. But this is from a newbie parent to a newbie parent, so take it for what it’s worth.

(I’m also a trainer for an older, more elite team so I spend a lot of time on the bench and in the stands. This advice is a compilation of my experiences so far.)

1. Volunteer for something on the hockey team and then follow through and do it. At least once. You don’t have to volunteer every year, but if you get involved your kid will notice. And you will have a better idea about what’s going on. I volunteered as Manager this year and it’s my first year in hockey. Possibly a dumb move, but, as it turns out … it completely suits my control freak nature. Find something that suits you. Compassionate and good with people? Perfect fundraiser. Calm and a middle child with the peacekeeper gene? You have Parent Rep written all over you.

2. Do not yell at the refs. Just don’t. First, you look tacky because if your kid is a young player, you are yelling at someone who is maybe as old as 15. I refuse to believe that any ref goes out onto the ice and wants to make a mistake. They are doing the best that they can. You know what you’re telling your kid? “It’s ok to yell at someone when they make a mistake.” Way to erode their confidence in  you as a compassionate adult that they can call when they spill the milk… or need a ride home from a friends place because their ride is drunk. Second, everyone gets good calls and bad calls over the course of the season. Some will have a greater impact on a game than others, but for every game changing call there is someone who benefits and someone who doesn’t. Deal with it. Appropriately, please.

(Also, your association may have a process to deal with ref issues. Talk to your parent rep who can talk to the coach and ask about the process.)

3. Don’t be THAT parent that asks the coach why your kid isn’t getting more ice time. This is between your kid and the coach. If you have a concern, bring it up but don’t criticize the answer – it’s not your place. The coach is managing a team, not your child’s hockey career. If your child wants more ice time he will need to ask the coach how he can get it… there could be a multitude of reasons: he’s not good enough for a specific line, the coach is working on a specific strategy, something is being overlooked on the bench, there are skills he needs to improve upon. If your kid doesn’t want more ice time enough to go and ask the coach himself… he doesn’t want it enough. Relax and stop counting the zeros on his future NHL contract.

4. Remember your manners. Spectatating at a hockey game is not a competitive sport. When the other parents start cheering for their kids, you do not have to cheer overtop of them. Be loud and proud and POSITIVE. And remember… the kids don’t hear even a quarter of what you’re saying. My son watched a video of himself during a game and was confused about all the yelling that was going on…when had that happened?? Yeah… pretty much the whole game, buddy.

5. Don’t manage the bench. If you want to control who plays when and where, see rule #1 and volunteer to be a coach. If you didn’t step up and commit, don’t think it’s your right to say which goalie should be in and when. That’s between the team and the coach. You can almost be forgiven for wanting to know why your kid is or isn’t playing… but to say when the other kids should play? That’s the coach.

6. Please, please, please teach your kids good sportsmanship. I’ve said it many times before, sports don’t teach character, they reveal it. If a kid can’t win and lose graciously they are going to have a much harder time recovering from REAL challenges in life. It’s very easy for kids to get hyper focused on winning or losing.

The kids need your support and good behaviour just about as much as they need the exercise and lessons of hockey. It can be too easy for them to hyper focus on the outcome of a game (or even a practice) and we need to help them refocus on the more important things.

Don’t get me wrong… YES, being a good hockey player is awesome. Having the drive and focus to be a better player is a good thing. But when they start to focus on not getting enough ice time, bad ref calls, another player making a mistake… they will spend a lot of their time looking for reasons they didn’t win and who to blame instead of focusing on their own contribution to the team.

I guess I’m in this game for the long haul and so is my kid (at least one, so far). I want it to be the most positive influence in his life – amortized over his many seasons instead of based on whether or not he wins this year.

Having said THAT… we’re on to the Esso Minor Hockey Week Finals for his division tomorrow morning: Go Badgers!!

Since I started at STARS, I have been spending a great deal more time on the computer than I normally do. So I figured it was time to get my eyes checked and get another pair of glasses since mine went missing long ago. I just have a mild astigmatism and wearing them when reading or on the computer is smart.

So I took the kids in with me as well since M hadn’t had his eyes checked since Kindergarten and Em is in Kindergarten and should get looked over as well. I had no concerns about either of them.

M checked out just fine with 20/20 vision and healthy eyes.

Em was another story.

The optometrist said things like:

“I’m surprised she can read.”

“She’s a trooper.”

“She’ll probably turn out to be some kind of savant now that she will be able to see.”

“At some point you would have found that she just stopped learning.”

Um. What?

As it turns out. Princess Pink is far-sighted. More in her right eye than her left (+7 in her right, +5 in her left) and her left eye has been picking up the slack so the right didn’t have to work so hard. During the exam, at first I thought she was being silly because when her left eye was covered she’d giggle and say she didn’t know what letters were on the chart when I KNOW she knows them.

But he alternated back and forth and soon it became very clear that they just looked like fuzzy blobs to her and she REALLY couldn’t read them!

O.M.G.

How could I not know this about my child?? She knows all her letters, she is starting to read, she doesn’t sit with her face against the TV or anything… but then again, she went through that really clumsy period (glue, glue, stitches, tooth knocked out, SELF knocked out… multiple goose-eggs on her head…) in daycare… the optometrist explained that it’s likely her eyes weren’t working “together” at that point.

the, uh, thing-a-ma-bobber...

The scary thing is that I probably wouldn’t have taken her at all if I didn’t need glasses myself. When I mentioned

the appointment to the teacher this afternoon she didn’t have any concerns either… Em never complains about not being able to see things.

But when the doc put the, uh, thing-a-ma-bobber up to her face and adjusted the lenses to what her prescription would be, she could read everything.

And when he moved it from her face to take notes… she grabbed it and moved it back to her face. She liked being able to read the letters.

It turns out we can’t get her glasses until next Thursday or Friday and she was quite disappointed about that, but we’re both very excited about the new glasses. It’s a three month trial and she has to wear them all day. In three months if her right eye doesn’t get stronger, she’ll need to wear an eye patch. I sure hope it works!

Yeah, these aren't the new glasses. Hers are smaller. And pinker.

I feel like I really dodged a bullet … or, rather, my daughter did. How long until she would have been frustrated and having difficulty in school?

Other than the clumsy period when she was about three, we really had no signs. No one suggested that anything was wrong, she didn’t ever mention anything (why would she, the world has always been fuzzy I guess) and only her dad wears glasses.

Here in Alberta (and I think in many provinces in Canada) eye exams are covered by health care until you turn 18. And we had gotten the letter home from the school – like all Kindergarten families – to take advantage of the free eye exams… but we put it off. It didn’t seem important.

Yeah… guess that wasn’t the case!

Em requests that we post the pictures of her new, and very pink, glasses next week.

This is my first year as a hockey mom (HockeyBoy’s team). And as a hockey trainer (EMT for an older AAA team). It’s kind of trial by fire because as of last fall I knew absolutely ZERO about hockey. I know it makes me  unCanadian but I hadn’t really given hockey much thought (unless the hometown team was on a cup run…) and I didn’t really expect to be so immersed in the sport.

But the more my son plays and the more I watch the older kids play… the more I love it.

The odd thing is that it doesn’t make me want to watch professional NHL players any more… it just makes me want to go to more local games. I get almost as excited going to the games where I work as a trainer (and have no kid on the team) as I do to my son’s games. Almost. I get to yell a lot (of positive encouragement) at my son’s games. And of course I love watching my son play.

But what I love the most is watching the effort that the kids put into the game. It makes them want to eat right, get enough sleep, and pay attention to their coaches. The finish a game dripping in sweat and haven’t complained about it (unlike the adults that seem to abhor sweating…).

I watch the kids jump on the ice, filled with a desire to fight and win. (Well, not FIGHT… ok, sometimes fight….)

I have seem some poor sportsmanship, but it is overwhelmingly positive. Kids encouraging each other. Kids looking out for each other. They allow themselves to be coached. They buy in. They give 110%.

I’ve said before that sport does not create character, it reveals it.

And so far? I’m impressed.

It could be that I’m just affiliated with some really great teams, kids, coaches, and parents. But I think that the majority of us are all in it for the same reasons: to see our kids have fun, see success, face failure, learn life.

So bring it on, hockey, bring it on…

I started off this morning fully irritated that I would have to go to the gym and fight for space with you people. Yes, you people, the ones who have made a resolution to get in shape this year.

Mean, bitchy, and judgmental. I am aware of this. It’s selfish as well if we’re keeping track, because the main reason I’m irritated is because *I* want my time on the treadmill, too. I don’t have one in my basement and when it’s cold outside I like running inside. (First world problem, I know.)

The thing is… I don’t have a problem with you or your desire to get in shape. I get that. Do we need to review my eye-burning bikini posts, again? No, I’m not even going to link to it, that’s how much I care about you, Dear Reader. I totally and 100% get the unhappiness with the size of your ass or the muffin top that is making you want to hit the gym. I still don’t like what I look like from behind or my waist. Especially since 6 lbs have come back to haunt me in December.

But. People. Do not buy into the resolution theory.

You know what hit my inbox today? No less than seven emails from retailers advertising their “Health and Wellness” products. The media has been talking about resolutions all week. Blogs and web sites offer tips for keeping your resolutions.

I don’t hate your desire to get in shape. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate that you are hogging the treadmill today.

I hate the resolution culture. Those people who directly market to you at this time of year to feed the hype and take advantage of your short-term will power that’s fueled by .. the people who directly market to you. See: magazine cover + photoshop.

I want you to stay at the gym for the whole year so that the demand for gym space will be great enough for them to build more gyms. But the facts are, by January, you will likely be gone.

And that makes me sad because it means you were pushed to make a resolution by the resolution culture and the result will likely be that you feel WORSE about yourself than you did in January. By February’s Valentine’s chocolate sales you’ll be reminded that you failed. Again.

I do some admin / web site work for my trainer and I asked him once about running specials during January and the spring time, to get those people who are making resolutions and who want to get in shape for the summer. His response? Absolutely not.

I don’t remember exactly what he said, because I think I heard it with my heart rather than with my ears. But I got the main points. No trainer, no gym, no treadmill, no time of year, no bikini will ever be enough for you to make a change if you aren’t ready for it. If you don’t know deep inside that this is for you, so you can play with your kids longer, be stronger, be healthier, live to see your kids graduate, etc… etc… then the results will always be short-term.

But you’ll hear everywhere for the next two weeks that you NEED this item, you NEED this gym membership, you NEED this supplement, you NEED to sign up for this class.

You don’t need any of that (although, admitedly, some may help).

You need to know you’re worth the effort.

Because it’s going to be hard, long, sweaty, and tiring. You may cry, puke, fail, yell. You might hate the look of your ass for a long time. You may still have some crappy vampire in your life who will try to sabotage your efforts. You may think that’s me right now.

But you need to know you’re worth it. Do you hear me telling you?? You are worth the effort.

You aren’t defined by your jean size. You aren’t a better person for beating your last run time on the treadmill. You don’t become a better wife, father, mother, husband because you look better in a bathing suit. I know people tell you that you’re worth the spa. A pedicure. A manicure. A vacation.

Wrong.

You, just you, sitting there in your pajamas, typing reading this blog post, you are worth the effort.

It’s the effort you put into other people because you love them or because it’s the right thing to do. That effort that you give away? You are worth it too.

You will feel stronger and healthier. You will feel pain and know how awesome it feels to get out of bed with sore muscles. You will breathe easier. You will run because you can. You will push pedals because of the accomplishment feels inside. You will find the spot in your day that works for you for exercise – not a morning because so-and-so does it, not an evening because whatshisface says it’s best. Not lunch time because it’s “in” at work. You’ll choose a crossfit class because it works for you, not because it’s the new cool thing on the block. You’ll run on the treadmill because it makes sense for you and say “screw you” to the people that say they are real runners because they compete in races.

Just don’t work out today because it’s January. Don’t work out today because you made a resolution. Don’t work out today because *I* need that treadmill. Don’t work out today because some famous trainer tells you that this year is YOUR year. Don’t work out today because someone told you you should.

Work out today because you are worth the effort. And then get up tomorrow and do it again. And every day… not until you reach some GOAL or complete a RESOLUTION … but because you are worth the effort every day.

Go. Sweat.

And then get off my treadmill, fellow gym rat.

Dear Hockey;

It looks like we’re starting a long-term relationship. I admit, I didn’t really want to hang out with you. I was still smarting from that Stanley Cup run a few years back where a) the Flames shoulda won after that goal that wasn’t counted, b) I liked a boy for that whole season who didn’t like me back, and c) I was afraid of how high maintenance you are.

You were smart though. First you won over my son. He says things like “I hope we win, but it’s ok if we don’t”. He tries his absolute hardest every single time he’s on the ice. Every time. Every practice. Every game. He meets you after school 3-4 days a week in the winter. He doesn’t complain when I ask him to work on skills like powerskating when he wants to work on cooler ones like stick handling. He likes all parts of you.

You have a few flaws. There seems to be in an increase in some kind of elitism in the sport. But I recognize that’s not a hockey thing, but a sport thing, and I can’t get away from it. I do believe that sport does not develop character, it reveals character. I can’t expect you to make my son a good sportsman, that’s my job. I can, however, expect you to help him practice sportsmanship. This makes him a better kid. When we weren’t involved in sports it didn’t seem like a big deal to boo at the other team. Now? Now we understand that the game changes every day and you are going to win and lose and must do both with grace.

Thanks, Hockey, I look forward to 2012 with you.

###

Dear Size 12 Jeans;

So, in 2010 I was really happy to meet you again after my short-term relationship with size 14. In 2011 I started flirting with size 10 and you kind of fell by the wayside.

It seems this December has allowed us to get acquainted again. In fact, I hadn’t seen you in so long but when I put you back on (mistakenly thinking you were my size 10 besties) you felt really comfortable.

However, I’m sorry to say we’re going to be breaking up in January 2012. I just can’t maintain a long term relationship with you and my size tens. And, frankly, my ass loves my size tens. And I love my ass. So I do what it wants.

But don’t worry! I have a plan for you. It’s called a consignment or second-hand store. I just know you’re going to find a beautiful, awesome woman breaking up with her size 14s who will take you home and love you. At least for 2012.

See ya!

###

Dear BBC and Discovery;

I love your awesomeness. You are turning my child – my daughter – into a dinosaur expert. There’s no Barbie or My Little Pony episode that can compete with Walking With Dinosaurs or Megalodon episode that you have created.

Thank you for not pinking things up for my daughter. Dinosaurs don’t need to be pink or purple to be cool.

Having Kenneth Branaugh and the guy from Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs do the narration is also very awesome.

You and I will get along very well in 2012.

###

Dear Old Wedding Dress;

Apparently you were taking up some space in my mom’s house and she brought you over for a visit.

I say a visit because, let’s face it, we were really a one-night stand and I have no use for your beautiful ivory bows and beading in my life. Well, there was that time last Halloween when I considered finding you and being a corpse bride, but you weren’t around.

I’m not sure what to do with you. In a way I want to honour the time we spent together waaaay back in 2001.

Hi, McDonald.

I still remember having to fight off my brother’s dog with a broom to get into the room where you were hanging, waiting for some time with me. I remember feeling so pretty with you. I want you to be able to give that to someone else.

I’m just not sure how.

###

Dear McDonald’s Coffee;

I love you, I love you, I love you. I know you come from the wrong side of the tracks. You’re kind of trashy looking when you stand next to that fancy stuff…and I’ve turned away from the ol’ Canadian staple and his rugged stability to this dalliance with your cheap and fly-by-night commonplace flavour.

I think we’ll continue our coffee-date affair in 2012.I can’t get enough of you.

MUAH!

I’ve written here several times about my struggle with being judgmental. There are times when I forget that a great deal of grace has been given to me and it’s my responsibility to give grace to others.

No where is this more applicable than in the parenting arena.

Before I had kids I think my favourite phrase was “when I have kids…” because I was pretty damn sure I wasn’t going to repeat my parent’s mistakes. Or the mistakes I saw in the world around me.

Oh no, not me. In fact, what I was going to do, it turned out, was make whole new ones.

And the first was assuming I knew better than another parent.

I knew how long someone should breastfeed, until I had to do it myself. I knew whether parents should work or stay home, until the choice was mine to make. I knew that a child’s bad behaviour was a sure sign of poor parenting, until I had to parent my way through said behaviour.

Now, however, I notice a new trend. Parents who feel that it’s somehow their right or duty to judge good or bad parenting simply by looking at a situation from the outside. They aren’t even backseat parents because that would imply they are along for the ride… no, they are the drive by parenting experts who see a situation from a few yards away and think “oh dear, bad parents”.

This seems to be particularly prevalent with NEW parents. As though the birth certificate issued to your child came with a rider that said “authorizes parent to judge other parents”.

We can all agree that there are certain things in the bad parent category: beating your children, subjecting them to physical or sexual abuse, abandoning them. But I would caution anyone from even sitting in judgment on those situations. That job is for the police and the courts to do, that’s their job… not yours.

Most often I find young, immature, new parents to be the culprits in drive by parenting expertise. They think parenting a willful toddler means they know what it’s like to parent a willful ten-year old. They don’t. They don’t even know what it’s like to parent someone else’s willful toddler.

There came a point in my parenting career, shortly after my second child was born that I realized that whether my child was “easy” or “difficult” had a lot more to do with the personality, gifts, and challenges he or she was given than whether or not I was a good parent. And this caused me to look at other parents with the knowledge that I had no earthly idea what it was like to parent their kids.

If I see a child misbehaving in public, my first thought is, yes, irritation. But shortly after that my conscience kicks in and I remember that I am not their judge. Their behaviour has a reason and it’s isn’t always one I am going to know about.

For example, a child is throwing a fit in the store about a toy he can’t have. I could just label it bad parenting because of the language the kid is using or the disrespect he’s showing. “If that were my kid, I’d…”

What if that kid lost his sister two months ago to cancer and is still processing the loss? What if the parent has been so overcome with grief that she’s been giving in more than she should and she’s just now trying to bring back a sense of normal to their family’s life.

A 13-year old boy is running roughshod through a public venue, talking rude, being disrespectful. The parents are no where to be seen. Maybe it’s a mall and they are shopping and he’s been left to his own defenses. Oh, bad parenting. “If that were my kid, I’d…”

What if that child faces jeers and laughter every day at school? He’s bullied mercilessly and tormented because of his second-class clothes and worn out sneakers. He’s on the autism spectrum, just enough to be socially awkward and maybe unsure of how to act appropriately. He’s gotten a chance to go shopping and his parents, knowing he’s a good kid, have given him some freedom to spend his $20 birthday money. He’s trying to act cool… afterall, all the cool kids at school act this way. His dad says these things, drops the f-bomb all the time. It’s ok, right?

A mother spanks her child in the dairy aisle. Easy one, huh? Obviously a bad parent. Who hits their kid? Or who hits their kid in public. Or, even if you think spanking is ok, obviously the kid’s behaviour issues aren’t dealt with properly or she wouldn’t have to hit him in public anyway.

This mom is working two jobs, close to losing her home. She rarely spanks her kids but today she just snapped and swatted him. She was awake most of the night, worried about the rent coming due. Worried she has no one to turn to since her ex left and her family lives so far away. She will go home tonight and cry. Apologize and phone a crisis line to learn how to better deal with her stress.

How are you to know any of this?

You aren’t. You won’t.

Why would someone choose to judge the situation harshly when erring on the side of grace costs you nothing?

I will tell you.

Oh, that's what I look like as a parent.

Some people find that they can define themselves as being “ok” and in a good place as a parent simply by defining what is wrong or bad parenting. It’s like putting together a jigsaw puzzle of parenting rules where the piece missing is your own self as a parent.

This way you can put all the pieces in place and know what your shape is as a parent by the exact lines and contours of those around you.

Please. Don’t.

Don’t spend time judging other parents. If you think there is a real concern, a real bad parenting issue involving abuse then by all means, take a step. Do something, don’t ignore it. That takes courage. Do it.

But if you just judge and walk away, then you’ve done nothing except construct your own safe haven of useless, judgmental thoughts that will eventually erode your confidence as a parent.

Because I guarantee you that when your kids get older you will face challenges you could not even imagine as you look at your little sweet baby in your arms, or hear the laughter of your adorable toddler.

And your judgments will return to you tenfold.