Also known as: Keeping it quiet

This is no secret: I am talkative.

People often hear me before they see me. I laugh out loud. I talk too much, I talk too often. I don’t know how to ask questions. I am loud, hardly demure, and practically all of my friends know some kind of story about me, and there’s always some kind of anecdote that I can share in the past twenty-six years of my life.

I talk. And as expected, this gets me in trouble.

Not trouble trouble, but enough trouble to make me regret talking in the first place. Enough trouble to make me wish that I was not the talkative type, that I had learned to shut up, that I was demure, that I will probably make all my friends tired of me soon enough because I can’t seem to control my need to talk and need to tell stories¹.

Of course, talking is a way to vent. And there is really nothing like good conversations with good friends…but do I really, honestly have to always have a story to tell? Do I always have to talk about something, to tell someone about every single detail that is happening in my life?

Why can’t I keep anything to myself for a change?

So just recently, there were some things and happenings in my life that proved yet again that my talking led to the disturbance of my own peace. Maybe it’s because my talking leads to people offering opinions (unavoidable) which I truly honor and am grateful for, but I also feel like I should heed these advice because they were given with the best intentions. But a part of me doesn’t feel like doing it, because in my heart of hearts, I know that it shouldn’t be a factor in any decision or move I make.

Okay, I’m talking in codes here, but let me summarize it: my talking too much leads to people also talking and it makes me feel upset, like I should do something, like if I don’t do anything, I will lose it all.

It’s hard because I’m really, really trying to listen to what God wants me to do, to listen and follow His will. I’m really, really trying, but I have a very strong feeling that the person hindering Him the most is me.

It’s kind of sad when you get to a realization like that, when you know that the entire mess you are in is really your fault. My tendency to fix things and clean things up make me even more jittery, until I took a deep breath and told myself to just stop.

Stop and enter the silence.

I read this verse in an article a few months ago, and I remember not being able to relate much to it before, but I took note of it. Perhaps the reason I took note of it then was because I would need it now? (Emphasis mine)

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear.
(Lamentations 3:25-29, The Message)

That’s the thing. I hardly enter the silence. I like talking, I like conversing with people, but sometimes, when life gets hard and heavy to take, what else can I do but enter the silence?

It’s hard. Especially for a person like me. But sometimes, when your heart is about to burst, when you’re so scared that you can hardly move, when there are too many voices in your head that tells you what to do next and makes you want to do the first seemingly reasonable thing to do from them, it’s time to stop. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions.

It’s hard for someone like me.

But not impossible.

So if you’re in the same boat, hold on. Stop talking. Still your heart, pray for peace, and enter the silence. In this silence, you will hear the only voice that matters, the One who can and definitely will send hope.

1. Note that this is different from gossiping — I talk about too many things about myself, not necessarily about other people

Also known as: Easter 2012

…let us rejoice and be glad in it!

And so another Lent and Holy Week came and went, and it is now time for my favorite season, Easter. I used to say that I liked Advent and Christmas more than Lent and Easter, but now I’ve grown up (a bit :D), I realize that I may just love Lent and Easter more. Not that Advent and Christmas aren’t equally important as Lent and Easter, but the latter seasons are pretty much the defining moment of my faith, of our faith. Without Lent and Easter, Christmas means nothing.

ALLELUIA! (Risen Christ image at St. Pio Center, Libis)

Lent. I meant to post more about how my Lent was, but March’s events got me so busy that I hardly found the time to post. I tried, but you know, it wasn’t easy especially when I was always out. But I didn’t take Lent easy this year. I tried something new, which I think are efforts that were blessed. I’ll post about it in the next few days (I promise!), but suffice to say: this Lent is probably the most meaningful one I’ve ever had.

Triduum. For the first time since I can remember, I managed to participate in as many church activities that I can during the Triduum. There was the usual Maundy Thursday mass, followed by Stations of the Cross on Good Friday (with actual crosses!) and Veneration of the Cross, and finally, Easter Vigil on Black Saturday. I used to think that Good Friday and Black Saturday were best spent at home in silence and reflection. But all the podcasts I listened to were right — the real best way to really and truly understand and feel the Passion, Death and Resurrection of Jesus is to attend these activities because the Holy Week is meant to be spent in community with the church. :)

I can’t remember the last time I felt a holy kind of excitement in my heart until the Easter Vigil at our parish last night, and my heart was thrilled when the lights in the church were turned on. If I could shout, I would probably shout “Alleluia!” out loud. :)

Then, Easter Sunday. Bright and sunny (and hot!), and it felt like everyone was so full of cheer. Like there’s a new beginning.

And you know what? I think there really is a new beginning offered to each one of us. Because Jesus Christ had conquered death, we are free. And most of all, we are loved. :)

The best and most tangible feeling of this freedom: I gave up some things for Lent — these things aren’t bad things, but things that I could live without. It was hard to give up, and I broke my fast a few times. I almost thought I wouldn’t make it until Easter. But when Easter finally rolled around, doing the things I gave up again felt like such a huge gift. It felt like I was suddenly free to do those things again, when the only thing stopping me from doing those things were myself in the past 5-6 weeks. It’s like things were made new again. I was given another chance to live, but this time mindful of the fact that I should do these things I gave up for Lent for His glory and not mine because my Savior suffered so much to set me free. :)

See. I love Easter. How can you not love Easter?

Happy Easter, my dear friends. Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Jesus has risen, indeed. May this Easter bring you new hope and new beginnings. :) Alleluia!

Also known as: Saying goodbye to my favorite month with love

Look, March is almost over. I meant to blog more, but life just got in the way so I’m back only now after posting about my birthday.

Yesterday I finished rereading one of my favorite books, May Crowning, Mass and Merton: 50 Reasons I Love Being Catholic by Liz Kelly. I remember loving this solely because it was a book about Catholicism and it made my appreciate my faith more. The last time I read this was 2009, and I admit to being a little bit shaky with my faith back then. I’ve moved past from that part of my life, and I’d like to believe that I am better now. Reading the book this time around was different, because I think I got it a bit better now than then.

It’s also these times I believe that God sends affirmations to me about some things I am determined to live out. At the very end of the book, I ran across some passages about love that totally supported why I chose LOVE as my word for 2012.

The aspect of the cross that stops me short is that, throughout his passion and death, Christ was himself. He never tried to be anything else, never tried to please anyone, never tried to run away, never wavered from the truth; he only occupied himself completely and authentically with his own calling. He just loved, no matter what the outcome; just loved because that is what he was created to do. The miracle of the cross is that God loves anyway, no matter what the result, no matter our choice, no matter the flighty vacillations of the sometimes fickle human heart — loving one minute, resenting the next, indifferent or self-involved in still the next. Instead, he flings the door to his very sacred heart wide, wide, and invites all to enter and make themselves at home…

Christ’s suffering counts for something the most important things, the essential things. It counts for grace and for mercy. It counts for authenticity and for resurrection from our ruination and into who we truly are: children of light. It counts for being genuine and honest. It counts for love.

As my faith grows up within me, more and more the prayer I once clung to, “God remove my pain,” becomes “If I must experience this suffering, then please let it count for something. Just don’t let it go to waste.” When I can open my heart and love anyway, no matter the outcome, no matter the choices of people around me, no matter the risk involved, I become more powerful in heaven’s kingdom than any army, any fear, any cruelty or any rejection. Instead, those things are swallowed up whole and lost in grace and mercy. I find that when they are awash in love, they’re not such bitter pills after all.

I want to love anyway, to love because that’s what I was created to do. And I can trust that God will never let any potential resulting suffering go to waste if I’m doing that. It will always count, and that’s a promise. Even when I don’t know it; even when I can’t feel it. And that gives me courage, courage to love again, to love anyway.

I don’t understand the cross. I don’t believe understanding it is the point, or even necessarily a very worthy or interesting goal. But I think accepting it is — accepting that we were created to love no matter the outcome. The cross is God’s promise to love us, no matter what. And deep in my spirit where the most essential parts of me are anchored, there is a knowing, growing and resonant and burning with an eternal ache that tells me: the cross counts. It matters. It counts for grace and mercy. It counts for love.

- May Crowning, Mass and Merton: 50 Reasons I Love Being Catholic by Liz Kelly (pp. 269-270)

The cross counts for love. What a beautiful way to put things in perspective. I will never understand it, but even so, what I can do is to love anyway no matter what the outcome and trust that that is enough.

March is ending, but we’ve got a month full of new possibilities ahead of us. :)

Also known as: Birthday thoughts

So yeah, I just turned 26. Hi.

I think I’ve just encountered my first sign of aging. I’m still exhausted from my get-together with friends last night! Ah. I invited some friends to a karaoke night as we counted down to my birthday, and I’m still exhausted. Or maybe it was because I got buzzed and had only 4 hours of sleep after before I went out again to celebrate with my family. But truth be told (and I know I’m already thinking in advance), I’m thinking maybe next year, instead of partying like that, I’ll probably just spend my birthday out of town. Or maybe even out of the country.

But like I said, that’s thinking too far in advance.

I had a very good 25th year, and I think yesterday capped it off pretty well. Like I’ve been saying, it’s been an interesting year and I will always look back fondly on my quarter year. It wasn’t easy, but it was a pretty good one. :)

I don’t really have too many thoughts about this year. But as last night winded down, I realized that I have also let go of some excess baggage I had from last year. And it feels nice to do that. Despite my exhaustion, I felt lighter. I felt free.

And maybe that’s the best birthday present I could give for myself.

I don’t have very huge wishes for my 26th year unlike last year. I don’t want to pose heavy questions for myself like last year. Not that having those questions weren’t good. This year, I just want to make it a bit simpler. This year, I’m just going to focus on the word I picked: I will LOVE.

That’s it. In my 26th year, I will love. I will learn to love. I will choose to love.

I will live loved because I have a great God. :)

Especially when that great God is a God who paints the skies in your favorite color because of His love. :)

"Because it had to be love that painted this picture." - Stephen Speaks

So hello, twenty six. :)

Also known as: An early birthday present :)

Can I pretend just for a moment that this album was released at this month because my birthday is coming soon? You know, an early birthday present?

Stories to Tell by Dave Barnes -- in my iPod :)

Okay, even if that is not true, I am still going to pretend it is so. Just like how I want to think that The Hunger Games movie is released this month for that same reason too. :P

Anyway, other than Switchfoot, Dave Barnes is probably the other artist that I’ve written on the blog so many times. I discovered Dave through some friends in 2007 while I was on a Matt Wertz streak (who is incidentally, a good friend of Dave, too). It took a while for me to appreciate his music but once I got to listen and appreciate Until You in full, I was absolutely in love. I played his songs over and over and over again, used it as an inspiration for a NaNoWriMo novels and other short stories and just talked about him so much. It’s not the same fan level as other friends do, but if there was any artist that I started auto-buying on iTunes, it’s him.

So, here he is again with another album with a lovely title: Stories to Tell. I am thrilled. Just in time, Dave. Just in time.  You just made my birth month a hundred times awesome-r, and I can’t wait to love this album just as I love the others.

If you haven’t heard him yet, then this is the perfect time to get his latest album, Stories to Tell. He’s amazing, I tell you, and indulge me a bit while I push you his album. :D

The chances of him reading this is low, of course, but Dave if you (or anyone connected to him) read this, then please, please come visit us in the Philippines. :) We’d love to have you here (and I’m pretty sure you’ll love our mangoes, too :D ). :)

There’s life to be lived, and stories to tell, lessons to learn, we don’t know yet.
Nothing to lack looking back knowing that we have lived it well with stories to tell.

Also known as: The 26th birthday wish list

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a wish list.

Just sometimes. The other times, I know I’m not. Or if I am too old for that, then I’m just denying that fact. :P

Make a wish

Okay, but seriously, I thought of not making a birthday wish list for this year. I just felt that maybe, since I’ve lived for already a quarter of a century then maybe I should stop asking for things for birthdays and Christmas (and Valentine’s day). Maybe it’s time to try something else and just be surprised you know?

But then I remember: ask and you shall receive. I personally believe that is true. And sometimes most of the time, we don’t get what we want (or need) because we don’t ask.

So in that vein, I am here to ask again. :) I’m turning 26 in ten days and if you find it in your heart to be generous to me, then I won’t stop you. In fact, here’s this year’s wish list to help. ;)

The “There’s No Harm in Asking” List

The items in this list are pretty much too expensive to get, and I will probably get it sometime later when I have saved up, but there’s no harm in writing it down. Who knows, right?

• 13″ MacBook Air
  With the 256GB storage, please. :)
  
• 32GB White iPhone 4s
  Yes I am giving in to this. I want an iPhone because it’s so pretty (and useful!).
  
• 32GB iPod Touch 4G
  I know it’s too much to ask for this other than the iPhone, but if I don’t get the iPhone, I kind of want to have a new iPod touch. Primarily because my iPod is already very old and another is because I want to have Instagram. :P
  
  
• Travel vouchers.
  Especially for places in my bucket list. Like I said, it won’t hurt to ask. :P
  
  

  Can't wait to fly again.

Books a.k.a. The Easiest Thing to Get Me List

Strangely enough, I don’t have a mile-long list of books that I want to get now now now. But I have a wish list on my Goodreads account! For surprise purposes, I also have a Book Depository wish list which automatically ships (for free!) to my house! Yay! But to be absolutely specific, these are the priorities in that wish list:

• For Darkness Shows the Stars by Diana Peterfreund (pre-order)
• Bitterblue by Kristin Cashore (pre-order)
• Gunmetal Magic by Ilona Andrews (pre-order)
• This is Not a Test by Courtney Summers (pre-order)
• Cracked Up to Be by Courtney Summers
• Fall for Anything by Courtney Summers
• The Probability of Miracles by Wendy Wunder
• Thou Shalt Not Road Trip by Antony John (pre-order)
• Amplified by Tara Kelly
• Thx Thx Thx by Leah Dieterich
• The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente

These aren’t on the wish list because these books are available in bookstores here already. :D *wink nudge*

• The Peach Keeper by Sarah Addison Allen Thanks, Chachic. :)
• The Treasure Map of Boys (Ruby Oliver # 3) by E. Lockhart
• Real Live Boyfriends (Ruby Oliver # 4) by E. Lockhart
• I’ve Got Your Number by Sophie Kinsella
• What My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know by Sonya Sones
• Heist Society by Ally Carter
• Sweetly by Jackson Pearce
• The Mockingbirds by Daisy Whitney
• Mostly Good Girls by Leila Sales
• Moon Over Manifest by Clare Vanderpool

Or, surprise me. Push me a book you think I’d like. I won’t mind. :)

The Other than Books List

• Snail mail. :)
  A card, a post card, a simple note — I love them. Of course, this is going to be hard to surprise me with this, but the surprise is what I will get and when I will get it. <3
  

  Snail mail love

• This star scarf from Cache Cache
  You should have seen my face when I first saw this.
  

  Stars! <3

• Vicki Rain Skimmers from Ready for Rain.
  I know it’s still summer here, but it pays to be prepared. I’m a size 6. :P
  

  Vicki rain skimmers

• A black fedora.
  This is really a vain thing, and I’m not a hat person really…but I tried a black fedora on one time and it looked good. So…just for vanity purposes, I want one.
  

  Black fedora

• Asking for clothes when sizing is hard to follow, so gift certificates for shopping are very, very welcome. (Besides, shopping is more than half the fun, don’t you think? Hm…take me shopping instead!
• Accessories
  Necklaces, bracelets, earrings, belts, what-have-you’s. I want ‘em. :) Preferably with stars or sunflowers.
• Tiny post-its for marking quotes in books.
  My friends would be proud of me for not dog-earing the books I am reading now. Dog-earing is still faster, but I kind of like seeing my books with post-its and markers so I would remember exactly what quote I liked in a book. :) So if you give me tiny post-its for this purpose, I will really appreciate it. :)
  

  Tiny kitty post it! :)

• Pretty notebooks.
  I’ve taken a liking to these Peter Pauper Press small format journals — they’re available in Book Depository too (and they’re also in my wishlist there)! I know I have a ton of notebooks at home…but well. Muji notebooks and Moleskines are accepted too. :P
  

  Pretty notebooks are pretty <3

• Pilot g-tec 0.4 blue or black or Muji pens (any color).
  Since I’m asking for notebooks, pens should be a nice thing too. :)
  

  Pens from Muji

• Twitter greetings from Dave Barnes. Or Switchfoot. Or Ben Rector, Matt Wertz or Brooke Fraser. Or Sarah Dessen. Or Jasper Fforde. Or all, if possible. :P I don’t open Twitter now for most of the day because of Lent, but I will obviously check at one point in the day. It’s worth the try. :D (My twitter handle is @tinamats, by the way)
• Sunflowers. :)
  I don’t think I have to explain this.
  

  ♥ !!!!

• Anything with stars. Or sunflowers.
  Or maybe even both. 
• Surprise visits, phone calls, text messages, coffee, dinner, simple notes, etc.
  I found out early last year that my primary love languages are acts of service and quality time. So really, quality time spent with me and surprises — even if they’re really small — are the things that definitely make my day brighter. :) (So if you’re one of the people I’m meeting up with this month, then that means seeing you again feels like a birthday present in itself. :D )

Ten days! Twenty Five, you’re still quite awesome but I’m about to say goodbye. See you soon, Twenty Six!

Also known as: My love affair with sunflowers

I can’t remember when it started, really, but I know that I was never one who liked roses. Sure, I didn’t mind receiving them for Valentine’s day, but they were never my favorite flowers.

When I was younger, I thought my favorite flowers were daisies because I love the cheerful yellowness of them. I still like them, of course, but I can’t remember receiving them though. And then I started liking gerberas after a particular week-long trip to a GK site, where I received a pink gerbera before we left. Then there was also that one Valentine’s day when I received a pink one.

But if there was ever, ever one ultimate favorite flower, it would be the sunflower.

SUNFLOWER! ♥

I can’t completely explain why. I guess that’s why sometimes favorites are favorites because you can’t explain why you like them so much. Sunflowers cheer me up, be it photos, the real thing or even game characters based on the flower. I love their bright yellow color, their dark centers and how they really look like suns! I love that they can be small or tall. I love that I can eat sunflower seeds, and you can make sunflower oil and that they’re just so darn pretty.

Most of all, I love that these flowers are heliotropic — they follow the sun. I like that idea, of how the leaves and the buds of the flower turn to face the sun as it rises and as it sets. It’s almost like a metaphor: for them it’s a way to life to look to the sun, just like how it is for us to look to the Son. To follow the Son.

I guess that’s the ultimate reason why I love sunflowers. :)

And it also helps that sunflowers provide a way to get rid of zombies that invade your lawn. ;)

Also known as: The girl who chased the moon

There’s this promise of happiness out there. I know it. I even feel it sometimes. But it’s like chasing the moon – just when I think I have it, it disappears into the horizon. I grieve and try to move on, but then the damn thing comes back the next night, giving me hope of catching it all over again.

- The Girl Who Chased the Moon by Sarah Addison Allen

Also known as: A commercial, part 1

Yesterday I finally set out to clean out some of the plastic bags in my room where it’s been in the same state ever since we moved back to the house. This made my mom slightly happier at the state of my room and my OC tendencies slightly pleased too because there were two less plastic bags in my room.

But this isn’t a Housekeeping post.  While I did clean out some things and I basically organized some books, I found something else entirely interesting too: old journals. Some coming from 1998, if you will believe it. :P I had a grand time flipping through some of them and laughing at how petty some of my concerns were. And how stupid I sounded. Ah, journals, the perfect time machine.

Anyway, I had to laugh at how much I exaggerate things, too. Case in point, sometime in 2001, I wrote this:

This depression thing is very new to me. I’m somewhat always been in the verge of depression, but never truly depressed. That’s why I’m writing on you, maybe I can release my depression so I can function properly again.

And I really don’t want to be depressed. I bet this isn’t even major depression, and I don’t want to be depressed.

Say what, 15 year old me?

Anyway, I highly doubt that was depression anyway, but just good old teenage angst. I can’t believe I used that term so much back then, especially since depression is a serious thing. I haven’t experienced it and I don’t know someone who have experienced it, but I know that it’s something that should not be dismissed. Imagine waking up everyday and facing a black hole that you just don’t want to move. (Of course, I’m writing that line based on a book I read that had a depressed character, not because I had firsthand experience)

I found this really nifty infographic (Sidenote: I am loving infographs lately) about depression, and it has pretty much all the basic info needed about this condition, be it for yourself or someone you know. I guess I should be careful with using that word now — sometimes, these bouts of sadness are really just leftover angst.

Via: Canada Drug Center

Also known as: My word for 2012

Remember how I was looking for a word to use for 2012?

I think I found it.

Soon after I wrote that post, I already felt that I had an idea of the word I will claim as my own for 2012. But of course, I did not want to choose too hastily, and I didn’t want to decide on a word just because I need a word. I want it to be mine, I want it to be a word that calls to me, one that I can claim and will claim me for the next eleven ten months of 2012. I gave myself a deadline: by my 26th birthday, I should have a word, a draft five year plan and a vision board. Talk about plans, yes?

So I had a list of words that I wanted to choose: initiate, grow, explore, awesome, amazing…but I keep on going back to this particular word. To love. It wanted to choose it already to get it over with, but to be perfectly honest, I was scared at what claiming this word entails. This isn’t just love in the romantic sense but love in every possible aspect. It sounds lovely at first, but when I really think about it, I know for sure that it’s not going to be easy. In fact, I believe it will be downright challenging.

But then I think of the rewards. I mean, it’s love. Again, not in the romantic sense, but you know how they say love changes things, love is a miracle, love is all that? I believe that, too. And because I believe that God is love, I also think that choosing love as my word will bring me closer to Him.

Again, I didn’t want to decide. Until Valentine’s Day passed by and I got back from my first SFC ICON and…well, the experiences for that week kind of sealed the deal and made me accept the idea that this word may have possibly claimed me before I finally decided with it.

So yeah: my word for 2012 is LOVE.

Again, it’s not just romantic love, but love in all aspects — love for God, family, friends, colleagues, strangers. Loving my work, doing the things I love, finding out these things I love, going after the things I will love. Loving when it’s easy but especially when it’s hard and inconvenient. Loving the people who love me back and the unlovable. Not being afraid of love, choosing to love, always choosing love above all else. And finally, yes, let’s include romantic love, too.

I have a page in my planner where that arrow in the photo points, and there I wrote (in my messy script) the things I wrote in the previous paragraph and what St. Paul wrote about love in his letter to the Corinthians. I think this pretty much captured the essence of what love is really all about (this chapter also shows how challenging loving can be, but I’ll probably reserve that for another post).

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love.