Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

And, happy birthday!

The thing with all the different happenings in the past few days is that it made me feel that I’ve been celebrating my birthday for so long already, starting Saturday, that finally getting to my actual birthday felt…well, like it’s not new anymore. Yes, I’m still excited, but it’s kind of winding down, and well…in a way, I’m glad, even if I do feel a bit sad.

My phone has been ringing with messages all day, friends are buzzing me on YM and my Facebook wall is filled with messages that I have yet to reply to. I just had lunch with my teammates, got a cake and a cute gift from my goddaughter, and it’s a relatively nice day. I look forward to tonight when I have dinner with my family and get one of the shoes I’ve been wanting to get since last month. This year’s birthday has been all about shoes, I wonder what that means. :)

I wore a dress today, too. And although it isn’t a new dress, it’s probably the most comfortable I’ve felt wearing something girly in the longest time. Even if I ate a lot during lunch (Shakey’s! ♥), I still feel pretty. Beautiful, even. :) Again, I love wearing dresses. And I’m still looking for more clothes. The reward of losing weight. :)

Earlier today, I got to talk to an old friend, who finally remembered my birthday on time. It’s a nice way to start the new year, and somehow it gives me hope that all is not lost between the two of us. She asked me what I feel now that I’m a year older, and as I thought about it, I realized that I don’t feel as lost, as opposed to how I felt a couple of years ago. I can’t say that I’m already rooted or in Maslow’s terms, I’ve reached self-actualization…but I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve gotten rid of some of my struggles and baggage from last year.

Still I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I’m not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I’m wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I’m not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You’re raising the dead in me

So what’s it going to be on my 24th? I’m seeing changes, lots of it. My brother’s wedding, for one. And renovation of our house. And I’m betting there’s more, because life likes throwing curve balls…but I’d like to believe that I can react faster this time. :)

And You’re raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I’m not afraid of these changes. At least, not as much as I used to be. The thought kind of makes me uneasy…but my God is bigger. And I have been blessed with great family and awesome friends, and I know that they’ll always be there and God will always be there, and there’s nothing that can separate me from His love. No calamity, tragedy, guy, loneliness, even happiness can ever separate me from His love. Ever.

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You’re raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.

This year, I’m going to be open to opportunities. I’m going to stay positive and see the good thing in every situation. I’m going to believe that my 24th year in this life is going to be an awesome year. Yes?

Thanks to everyone who made this day special. ♥ You guys are equally awesome. Now I’m off to hear mass. :)

Edited to add: To celebrate my birthday online…I created a formspring.me account! Ask me anything!

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1. Twenty Two
2. Twenty Two
3. Twenty Three

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I meant to post 23 things about being 23 years old, but I realized that…well, making a list that long is kind of hard. I’m talkative, I know, but coming up with a list like that is a bit too mentally taxing for someone who’s a bit too tired from a double class in the gym.

Or maybe I’m just lazy. Buuuut nevertheless.

In less than an hour, I’m turning 24. It feels kind of sad that the day I’ve anticipated to come since last month is finally coming, and pretty soon, it will be all over, and life would be back to normal. I know, these thoughts I’m having are depressing, but as what I talked about with Jana earlier, it’s kind of like what we feel when Christmas is over. It’s time to go back to normal.

But it’s not even the 17th yet, so I better cut these thoughts.

So. 23. How was my 23rd year? This time last year, I was in a long call, and shortly later, I was surprised by some friends, and went home feeling giddy because it was the first time I ever received a sunflower. That picture over there was me, exactly a year ago. Longer hair, and slightly more pudgy. ;)

My 23rd year was quite eventful, really, but for the life of me, I’m sort of having a hard time recalling the specific things that happened. I don’t want to bore you with that anyway, because if you want to know about that, then you can just browse through the archives. But I think, what’s more important than remembering what happened is to remember what I learned in the past year of existence, to remind me of them when I start a new year in my life.

So. Again. Twenty-three.

• This year, I learned and realized that I had very great friends. I know I used to complain a lot about how I suck at keeping in touch, or that I don’t have a solid group of friends and all…but this year, I was proven wrong. I have the most awesome friends ever. I’m so glad I reconnected with my high school friends and from seeing each other every six months, we now see each other every week! Plus, I’m so blessed that they get along with my office and college friends, so I can go out with a whole bunch of people and feel like we’ve all known each other forever. With friends like them, who needs a boyfriend? ;)
• This year, I also found out that I can make new friends if I really want to. I’m not the friendliest person around — at least, as far as I know — but now I really think I’m starting to reach out more and hang out with different sets of people and make memories with them…and none of it involves me sharing a story about a boy or a love problem, which was how I started friendships (that ultimately became acquaintances) before.
• One more about friendship. It’s also this year that it really hit me that friends really do come and go. Even if that friend was someone who I used to be really close to. I tried my best to keep the friendship alive, but a one-sided effort can only go so far. I got tired, and I was hurt, and until now, I’m still trying to let go and forgive the person. I’m still here to be a friend, but this year, I’ve made up my mind to move on and not wait for that other person to catch up with my life.
• This year, I still had a hard time praying. But I also learned that God’s love is still bigger than my weaknesses, and that He is always, always there even if I am not.
• This year, I was able to read more. And write more. I think this is the year that I was able to write more blog entries, articles and stories, even if I did experience the worst burn out in writing I’ve ever had. I definitely read more books, and I’m glad that I never lost that love of reading.
• This year, I learned that anything is possible. If I put my time, heart and if needed, money, into it, I can do it. It’s all in the discipline, and how much you want it. I know it’s vague, but the best example for this is when my weight loss — I never thought I would have been able to reach it if I didn’t put my time, heart, and yes, money, into it.
• This year, I learned to fight for my heart. If you ask me a year ago what I wanted…in a guy, specifically, I would not have been able to answer. A long night at a coffee shop with good friends made me realize that, and anything that involved matters of the heart is worth fighting for. Yes, I think I may be able to answer the question up there…but right now I’m keeping it for myself. ;)
• This year, I learned not to be too uptight. I’ve learned to relax, to have fun, to try new things even if I haven’t tried them before. There is wisdom in Yes Man, and in saying yes to things. :)
• This year, I learned to be more open to people. This is a bit love specific again, but I realized that I don’t need to be strict with the things I want in a guy. Love isn’t about similarities alone, after all, but differences as well. I may sound a bit idealistic at times, but now I’m trying to be open to other people’s quirks and traits. There are non-negotiables, of course, but for the little stuff, I’m learning to be more accepting. In addition, I also learned that my ideal situation is not what really happens in real life, and I need to stop imposing them on other people. Different strokes for different folks. :)
• One more thing about love. This year, I learned to be okay with being alone. I think this is the most important lesson I learned with regards to love life, because it relieves me of the pressure of looking for someone. I’m happy with being by myself. :)
• And finally, this year, I learned that God’s plan is wider and deeper than what I can initially see. Ondoy changed my life, but it reminded me that God’s is stronger and more powerful and bigger than any typhoon or calamity that comes. I also learned that everything that happens in life is a part of God’s will. I may not see it now, but someday it will all make sense.

I have a feeling there’s more, but I’ll stop here because I want to post this entry before 12 midnight strikes. It’s already 11:59PM — one minute till I turn 24. :) Am I ready to be older and wiser once again?

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1. Twenty Four
2. Twenty Three
3. Twenty Two

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I was listening to Lifeteen’s the newest The Mix podcast, and though it didn’t bring me to tears like the last one, the reflection at the end hit straight home, as usual.

So I thought we’d start this week (favorite week?) with a reflection about prayer and desires, that was spoken at the end of the said podcast. This is an excerpt from St. Augustine’s Letter to Proba on Prayer, that outlines his interpretation of 1 Thessalonians 5:16: “Pray without ceasing.” Thanks to The Crossroads Initiative for the text. :) Empahsis (the words in underline) are mine, btw.

Why in our fear of not praying as we should, do we turn to so many things, to find what we should pray for? Why do we not say instead, in the words of the psalm: I have asked one thing from the Lord, this is what I will seek: to dwell in the Lord’s house all the days of my life, to see the graciousness of the Lord, and to visit his temple? There, the days do not come and go in succession, and the beginning of one day does not mean the end of another; all days are one, simultaneously and without end, and the life lived out in these days has itself no end.

So that we might obtain this life of happiness, he who is true life itself taught us to pray, not in many words as though speaking longer could gain us a hearing. After all, we pray to one who, as the Lord himself tells us, knows what we need before we ask for it.

Why he should ask us to pray, when he knows what we need before we ask him, may perplex us if we do not realize that our Lord and God does not want to know what we want for he cannot fail to know it, but wants us rather to exercise our desire through our prayers, so that we may be able to receive what he is preparing to give us. His gift is very great indeed, but our capacity is too small and limited to receive it. That is why we are told: Enlarge your desires, do not bear the yoke with unbelievers.

The deeper our faith, the stronger our hope, the greater our desire, the larger will be our capacity to receive that gift, which is very great indeed. No eye has seen it; it has no color. No ear has heard it; it has no sound. It has not entered man’s heart; man’s heart must enter into it.

In this faith, hope and love we pray always with unwearied desire. However, at set times and seasons we also pray to God in words, so that by these signs we may instruct ourselves and mark the progress we have made in our desire, and spur ourselves on to deepen it. The more fervent the desire, the more worthy will be its fruit. When the Apostle tells us: Pray without ceasing (I Thes 5:16), he means this: Desire unceasingly that life of happiness which is nothing if not eternal, and ask it of him who alone is able to give it.

Have a great week ahead, everyone. :) Be blessed.

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1. 2010 Prayer
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3. On Responsibility and Service

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My friends and I caught Avenue Q again yesterday at the Carlos P. Romulo theater. Wait, let me correct that: I watched it again, while my friends watched it for the first time. We were late, so we missed the first two songs, but the show was fun as usual. I’d skip the review because I already reviewed it before, but I realized a few more things while watching the musical, especially when I heard the songs all over again (which, I realized that I memorized most of it).

There’s a fine, fine line. Fine Line has been one of my favorite songs in the musical, with its really sad lyrics that I used as my anthem last year when I was really down. I mean, who wouldn’t be sad with a line like this: There’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time. </3 But there is truth in this song, I guess. After hearing a lot of sad love stories and struggling relationships lately, I was reminded of how quick people can change, how some people can just give up, and relationships can go up and down in an instant. I don’t have any first hand experience, of course, but I’ve heard a lot…and I just pray my heart is strong enough if/when something similar happens to me.

I wish I could go back to college. How many times have I said that? I miss, miss, miss college. I miss how simple life was then, how all I worried was about then was grades (seemed like a pretty big worry then of course). I find myself missing college every now and then, but again, there is truth in the song, especially at the last part: But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I’d be…I’d walk through the quad, and think, “Oh my God…these kids are so much younger than me.”

No matter how much I wish, no matter how much I miss college, I know that I can never go back to the exact same days. I guess I should just be happy that college was a really good memory for me. :)

Everything in life is only for now. One of my favorite songs in the musical is the finale, For Now. Just like Fine Line, this song was one of those songs that I held onto during one of my down times. There’s wisdom and comfort in the song that reminds us that things are just for now, and we shouldn’t stress about it too much. Life may be scary, but it’s only temporary. It also reminds me that our life is really for now, and there’s an eternity that we need to look forward to and think more of, because are just passing by in this life.

It was a fun show, and the cast was great as usual. I kind of missed Carla Guevara as Kate Monster, though. But I’m glad I watched Avenue Q again. :)

And now, I have to take a quick nap. Slept at 3am and it isn’t fun to try to stay awake. Have a great week ahead, everyone. :)

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1. High School Musical 3: Senior Year
2. I Miss College
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On the way to lunch earlier, my teammates and I passed by Mrs. Fields, and there was a big cookie cake there that says, “Congratulations, Graduates!” It took us a while to really get that, and realize that it’s March, and it is graduation season! Wow. Don’t you just love graduations?

If you’re a college senior and graduation is just around the corner, I know that there’s still one hurdle you have to go through before you get to official graduate status: thesis.

Ah, thesis. It changes your life, you know.

Four years ago today was my thesis defense. I used to have long blog entries about my thesis thoughts here, before I started my blog again from scratch (and before I lost my archives in The Great Ginger Crash of 2007), and believe me, when I say long, they were long.

I was a pretty good student from high school to college, but in between those two chapters of my life, I went from a star student (high school) to an average student (college). I pretty much “coasted” along in college, save for some bumps in the roads (three failures) and some high moments (Dean’s List for one term), but I never found anything as challenging as thesis was.

Our thesis was divided into three terms: IS-RESM, ISTHES1 and ISTHES2. Let me tell you the story of each term (and then some). :)

IS-RESM. IS-RESM is all about the thesis proposal, so this was the time we pick our desired topics, find a problem about how it was being taught or learned and propose a solution for it, based on what we have learned for the past few years. I admit, I suck at conceptual stuff. I had a hard time researching for theories, and I couldn’t see how it would help in our project. I was more of an application person, and I knew I could keep up with creating the application…but first, we need to make a proposal.

This was the time when I was starting to become active in YFC again, and I guess that kind of got me distracted. I wasn’t in the mood to do thesis because I wanted to do other stuff. I also didn’t really like our topic: Costing and Pricing for Entrepreneurs. It was kind of a disaster of a term. We got a redefense verdict for our first defense, and finally a fail on our redefense. I cried in the lobby right after, but I knew it was really where we were headed.

What happened next? Two words: summer term.

IS-RESM, Part 2. We had to take IS-RESM again during summer term because if we don’t, we’d be delayed a term. Our first term was for OJT, originally, so instead of just attending to our internship, my thesismates and I have to meet every night at school to work on our thesis proposal. We picked a different topic, something we liked (Amusement Park Physics), but there were a lot of tension between the group. I, for one, felt that I was the reason we failed last term, because I didn’t give my all to thesis. I felt like my thesismates were blaming me for our failure, and if only I worked harder during the last term, we wouldn’t be there.

It was during this time that I learned to pray everyday for thesis. I went to mass everyday, I put thesis over everything else. This is when I learned (the hard way) that thesis changes your life.

We got to make a pretty sound theoretical framework, but we were still nervous about it all. On the day before our defense, my thesismate dropped me off to the dorm. On the way there, he asked me if I was ready, and then I burst out crying — I let out all my fears and my tension. When we got to the dorm, we prayed and then he set me off.

After a canceled defense, we went to our defense, and we passed with flying colors. :)

I remember my verse back then: “…after you have suffered a little, he will bring you to perfection.” – 1 Peter 5:10 :) How true.

ISTHES1. ISTHES1 is really just an in-between course, one that sort of bridges the gap between the IS-RESM and ISTHES2, the ones that really count. This is important, too, but we took this time to relieve the pressure on ourselves since all we had to submit was one module. It was still kind of hard for me, though, because I had to sacrifice a lot of weekends to work on thesis, and we had a hard time figuring out what approach to pick. There was another crying moment for me, because I was feeling homesick on one weekend, already, but we did manage to pass our module and pass the subject.

Oh, and it was also difficult for me because I had a hard time sacrificing my YFC activities for thesis. I found myself resisting again, but fear of failing got me thinking of thesis and putting it first.

ISTHES2. Ah, judgment term. This term greeted us with the news that we only had a month till the deadline. Groups started dropping the final thesis subject left and right, while our group decided to keep on fighting. I remember drawing our framework and our checklist on our thesis room glass wall — which isn’t allowed — just so we can focus. My classes were only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I was at school from Monday through Saturday, working, programming and everything that we needed to do.

I had to miss the first GK 1MB event for thesis, where we stayed over at my thesismate’s house over the weekend to work. We were actually in pretty good shape and I became very adept in Action Scripting. ;) There were some slight arguments, but nothing is ever not solved without food. ;)

I had a couple of all-nighters that were dedicated to debugging our program. We actually finished the software on time, and managed to have a testing too. There was a minor snag on my part, but it wasn’t really thesis-related and I’ve learned to compartmentalize the different parts of my life so it won’t affect anything else.

I prayed for thesis everyday. I couldn’t bear the thought of failing. There was a time when I had a dream that we went out of the defense room crying, and that really shook me up. But then I had a vision of us laughing as we went out of the room, and I held on to that, declaring that we will pass, regardless of how nervous I felt. On our last consultation before our defense, I was close to tears again because my groupmates and I couldn’t answer the questions our adviser was throwing at us.

My only prayer then was for us to accept whatever happens, to give our best and just pray for God’s will. On the day of our defense, the group who went on defense before us was in the room for about four hours, and theses defenses are supposed to last only up to two. Our thesis adviser arrived and we learned that one of our panelists isn’t present, but he got another professor to be our panelist and we started.

The defense itself was actually quite…smooth. The awesome thing about our adviser is he was also our panelist. The questions he asked during our mock defense were the same questions he asked during the defense, so we knew what to answer. We went our for their deliberation with bated breaths, and our blockmates were outside, asking us how it went. We went in again, answered more questions and then we went out to wait for the verdict. And then…

“Okay…we’re giving you a PASS WITH MINOR REVISIONS…”

I swear, I couldn’t take the smile off my face once I heard that. When our panelists left, my thesismate carried me in joy and we were both happy to know that we’d be celebrating our birthdays happy because we finally, finally passed thesis.

Of course, there were still the minor document edits that almost cost our grade, and the binding and stuff that I had to pass for course card, but all in all, it was sweet, sweet victory. :)

Today marks the day, four years ago, when we had our final defense. :) And won the battle. :)

My thesismates and I became very good friends because of all that we have experienced. Often times, we’d reminisce our thesis days when we’d meet, and we still tease each other just the same. In a way, I’m glad that we failed our proposal, because if we didn’t, we probably would have failed the next thesis subject and extend our stay in school. And the guys were one of my greatest friends, and I don’t think I would have wanted to done thesis again with any other people.

Other than our project, thesis taught me a lot of things, too. It helped me expand my borders, think creatively and keep on praying. It helped me trust God more, and thesis is one of the reasons I am who and where I am today. :)

It may sound exaggerated, but I assure you it’s not. I can regale you with more thesis stories, but I don’t want this post to be too long. But like I said: thesis changes your life. :)

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Well hello, it’s Day 11! I’m on the second third of the challenge, what do you know? :)

Something’s been stressing me lately, and I know it’s something that I really have to address and not just ignore. I really have to do this, because the alternative is to go back to before, or just keep what I have and look like a total slob.

What am I stressing about?

Shopping.

I know, of all things, right?

I’m not much of a shopper. In fact, I used to go into a really bad mood swing when I was young whenever my mom would drag me to go shopping. I hated shopping. I was contented with wearing jeans + top + sneakers/rubber shoes. I hated sleeveless tops, I don’t wear dresses unless there’s a real need to, and I don’t bother for shoes and accessories. I chose comfort over other things, so that’s why I’m almost always underdressed.

Not only that, I wasn’t exactly the smallest girl back then. When I started growing horizontally, it was hard to find the clothes I liked, because more often than not, they don’t fit. :( Girl clothes aren’t like kids ties, you know, it’s not one-size-fits-all, or you can’t just get clothes without fitting them. And it pained me so much before to get bigger sizes, or see my thunder thighs in the mirror and see how much my stomach bulges whenever I fit the clothes I want. I was so self-conscious then, and sometimes shopping makes me tear up because it brings my self-esteem down. I remember, when I went shopping for office clothes before, I had to repeat a mantra to myself starting the night before shopping: I am beautiful, I will find clothes that look good.

So I really can’t deny the fact that when I lost inches at the same time when I lost weight, my self-esteem went up. I now understand what my friend told me about how it feels when people tell you that you’ve lost weight — it felt great. Wonderful, even, especially when you’ve never received that compliment before. It was nice to learn that you need belts to hold your pants up, or the clothes you can’t wear before fit you better, or the clothes you used to wear are too loose now. It really boosted my self-esteem.

But at the same time, it stressed me out, because I suddenly ran out of clothes. Right now there are two kinds of clothes in my closet: clothes that used to fit me but are too loose, and clothes that fit me now, but still don’t look too good and can only wear until I lose a few more inches/pounds. I can count with my fingers how many clothes I can wear for work, and right now I only have two more work pants left. That’s hard, because if for some reason that our clothes don’t get washed in a week because of power failure or something, I have nothing to wear to work.

Well, save for some old college skirts. Everything else is too loose. Wait, the pants I wear now are too loose, but they’re the only ones that still fit without dropping below my waist, or making it look too hip-hop.

So you see, it’s kind of stressful. And again, I’m not a shopper — I don’t make time to shop, and shopping wears me out. A lot. And shopping for nice office clothes that would last means it would cost a lot, and I’m not exactly rolling in dough, you know.

What’s a girl to do?

Shop in increments, of course. One to two pieces of clothing every month. Shoes, too. And to shop with good friends, because it makes it less painful and more fun. :)

I’ve started shopping since December, before our Coron trip, and since then, I’ve been slowly buying a few pieces of clothing every now and then, to add to my wardrobe. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s also kind of fun because I get to see what looks good on me, and getting things in a smaller size works wonders to my self-esteem. :) Plus shopping with friends is always fun. It’s a good thing my friends are adept with shopping.

So here’s what I learned from all my shopping adventures. Forgive my lack of knowledge in fashion terms or cuts or what — I’m a newbie here after all. :D

• I like dresses. The last time I wore a dress willingly was…gosh, I can’t even remember. My graduation? But it’s a formal dress, so it doesn’t really count. I guess the year-end party in 2007 was the last one. I didn’t exactly hate wearing dresses, but I just don’t feel as comfortable in it as I do in pants. After some time, I started feeling the need to wear a dress, and I finally did during Rent night. And you know what? It was so much fun wearing a dress! It required little thinking, just a bit of accessorizing, and I still looked pretty! Since then, I already bought three more dresses. Haha addicted much? I wore it once to work, and I felt really pretty, too, which was awesome. :D
• Long dresses make me look short. I tried this purple dress that goes down to my shins and it made me look a couple of inches shorter. Ooops. Then I tried on this pink dress that goes down above my knees and it looked just right. So I guess the proper length for me is just up to there because I’m short. :P
• I still need pants. And skirts. However, as much as I like dresses and want to wear them more often, the downside is I can’t wear them all the time, unless I build a wardrobe full of dresses. It’s not so easy to mix and match dresses you know because they’re always in one piece. I need skirts too because all my skirts at home are college skirts, and they make me look like a teacher! :o
• I also need new tops. Same with pants, tops are easier to mix and match, of course.
• Pants with side pockets don’t look good on me. I tried fitting a couple of pants the other day and all the pockets bulged at my hips. Uh-oh. I need ones with front pockets, or no pockets at all. Still searching! I think I’ll find them in the department stores.
• Clothes that last costs a lot. Okay, maybe not always, but sometimes the price is just painful. :( I need to keep on thinking that they’re investments, so I won’t feel bad in buying them.
• I want to go and shop at ukays. Do I have to explain this? I want to know how many clothes I can get with Php 1,000. :P
• Shoes, shoes, shoes. I’m not a shoe shopper too, and I can only count about three pairs that I wear to work. I love sneakers, but most of my sneakers last me for a long time…and I can’t always wear sneakers to work. Right now I’m learning what kind of shoes look good on me — just the right height (because I’m not a fan of high heels) and nothing that looked like boots because they cut my feet off and I look short — and I also have to remind myself that good shoes that last cost money. I’ve learned about cheap shoes the hard way, so sad. I’m still building my shoe collection…and I hope I don’t become addicted. Haha.
• Accessorizing is something I still have to learn. I’m not much of an accessories person, but I know how a simple necklace or bracelet can make the outfit look complete. I just wish I’m not allergic to fake stuff so I can wear the earrings I collected through the years. :(
• It’s really all about guts. I used to be afraid of wearing dresses to work because I know everyone would tease me, but after some time I got used to it. I’ve learned that wearing the clothes you like is really all about having the guts to wear them. If it looks good, don’t be embarrassed by it. Be proud. Flaunt what you’ve got, as they say. I’m learning, I’m learning. Sometimes I still feel shy, but whenever I look in the mirror and see a different person from before, I smile and tell myself that I’m beautiful, and I go out and have fun. :) Don’t worry about what other people think. :)

So yay. Tomorrow I’m watching Avenue Q with some friends and I’m dressing up for the theater again. :) This year I’ve already bought four dresses, two pairs of shoes, a belt, and a top. Just wait, I’ll get to the other clothes that I need. And then have a brand new wardrobe, for…well, I guess, brand new me?

It’s fun being a girl. Really. :)

Oh, and I found the cutest shoes today, too, that matches two of the dresses I bought this week! :) I can’t wait to wear them tomorrow. :)

True, right? :)

Happy weekend, everyone!

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Ah, my legs hurt from all the dancing I did earlier. It was fun, but I think my shoes are starting to give, especially since it has been starting to give in since I ran that 5km race. That, or the shoes aren’t just made for dancing. Which means I may have to buy new rubber shoes again.

Shopping, it never ends.

Anyway, I’ve been having a lot of epiphanies lately. I don’t even know how I have time to have epiphanies when I’m so busy. Or maybe I just think I’m busy because I have a lot of stuff to do…but wait, that’s busy.

Okay, someone’s sleepy already.

Anyway, epiphanies. I’ve been having them, but just small ones, things I suddenly realize about myself because of the things I do or attempt to do. Let’s see…

• I do a lot of work outs at the gym, with my own program and all, but one of the things I really enjoy are group exercises. I’ve been trying to be better at cycling, but last Monday’s cycling attempt made me realize one thing: I’m no cyclist. I can survive a 1 hour class, but that’s it. I need a bit more of practice, probably, but I don’t think I’ll ever love cycling. I really think I’m more of a dancer or a runner than a cyclist. Probably more of a dancer.
• And speaking of dancing. I’m really starting to love dancing. I don’t know if it loves me back, but I love it. :P
• I’ve been thinking about my old community lately, and last Tuesday gave me a chance to be with some old friends from the community, the ones I used to see only because of meetings and such. Sad as it may seem, it really doesn’t feel like home anymore. I may be judging it too soon, but I still don’t see myself being active there anytime soon. I guess I’m still “lost”, at least when referring to communities.
• Ever since I lost a lot of weight (still trying to lose the last 10 lbs, the hardest of them all, ugh), I’ve been needing to shop. So I’ve been shopping. I bought a dress. Then two more dresses. And one more. I realized: it’s so nice to buy dresses. Seriously. Wearing them is so effortless, requires little thinking. I need to learn to accessorize, though…and I still need to buy new pants and tops so I can mix and match again. My poor, poor wallet.
• Finally. I’ve been feeling too lazy lately. Maybe it’s just a funk, maybe it’s just me. Or maybe it’s the birthday blues. But I need to snap out of this. I need to step up once again.

Anyway, it’s late early late, and I still have work tomorrow. Payday weekend — finally! And 5 days till I turn 24! I still have a birthday post somewhere, I just have to look for it. :P

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I’m very picky about my music. I don’t listen to the radio a lot because I don’t like mainstream music, and I have no idea what’s the biggest song out there and all that. I listen to a select list of artists, and more often than not, other people don’t know about them. Yeah, I can be a music snob if I want to.

I heard about Paramore from Happy, when we were planning about the next concert we want to organize. I think it was after Switchfoot or Hillsong, when Happy said she wanted to bring Paramore here. I didn’t know about them until I asked to listen to a song on our way home from the Cebu trip two years ago. Happy made me listen to That’s What You Get, and I was won over.

It took a while for me to digest all their songs, but after some time, Paramore became a staple. I don’t really care about how good they sound — I cared more about their lyrics. Paramore was there to get me through a lot, especially in late 2008 and early 2009. Most of the time, their songs find a way to describe exactly what I was feeling, and you know how when you find something that describes you so much that it sometimes kind of hurts? Yeah, that kind of thing. And Paramore’s brand new eyes album was also the same album that I kept on listening to during Ondoy, so it’s really memorable.

The point of those previous paragraphs: I couldn’t miss their concert in Manila.

I was supposed to go with Happy,  but she had to go to Hong Kong with her family as a graduation gift, so I didn’t have anyone to go to the concert with in the Gold section. Luckily, I saw a couple of SFC friends who posted their tickets online and I asked if I could tag along, so I downgraded from Gold to Silver, thinking company is more than view.

It was actually a good thing I joined them because I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much if I had watched the concert alone. You know?

Anyway, I’ve got a lot of observations during the concert, so let’s go bullet mode and list them down. :)

OH AND DISCLAIMER: All of the things below are just my opinions about the event, and I don’t mean to offend anyone. I used to be a part of a team that organizes and produces concerts, so I guess I kind of know what I’m talking about, so I’m letting out my observations coming from someone who knows about concert production (a bit), and from an audience. If you’re a part of the organizing team, I hope you’d take whatever I say constructively. :)  *bow*

• First and foremost: Paramore was awesome. Hayley’s energy could reach all the way back, and the band was awesome, and all their performances were flawless, as far as I’m concerned.  Hayley even had a shirt just for Manila — it said “Para-thrilla in Manila.” How cute. :) They were very engaging, and they obviously made the entire wait and show worth it.
  

• The set felt a bit too short, and that meant I enjoyed myself and I know all the songs. Backstreet Boys had 20+ songs in them, which was an extremely long set already. Paramore had 13 + 2 encore, which is just the same as Lifehouse and Switchfoot. They did sing most of the songs I love. :) Set list below, bold faced songs are my favorites:
  1. Brand New Eyes Tour Intro
  2. Ignorance
  3. Crushcrushcrush
  4. That’s What You Get
  5. Looking Up
  6. Careful
  7. Let The Flames Begin
  8. Let This Go
  9. The Only Exception
  10. Pressure
  11. For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic
  12. Where The Lines Overlap
  13. Decode
  14. ENCORE: Misery Business
  15. ENCORE: Brick by Boring Brick
      

  After last night, I realized that I know most of their song lyrics by heart. :P

• Last night’s front act was Callalily. And I’m sorry, but I just don’t like them. Okay, fine, I don’t really know them anyway. I’ve heard their songs somewhere in the jeep or in TV shows, but when I heard they were the front act, all I could say was, “Huh?” My friends told me that Up Dharma Down or Urbandub could have been the better choice, but I don’t listen to them so I don’t really have a say. Their performance was…well…er, sorry but I didn’t like it either. Maybe I was impatient for Paramore already. Or maybe I just really didn’t like them. Sorry.
• Again on Callalily: you don’t say these things to the people who are saying stuff to you. Seriously. Be professional. This just reeks of “neener-neener” and “We’re better than you, so sorry na lang.” Ignorance would have been better.
• Last night I faced the fact that Paramore was mainstream. It may not always be played on the radio or the jeepneys (thank God it’s not!), but seeing the fans yesterday told me how many people love them.
• Speaking of Filipino fans: most of them were tweens! I was kind of surprised to see how young all the people looked there — there were a bunch of girls in front of us who were about 15-16. Some were even small kids who came with their parents! :o I guess the family that watches concerts together stays together? I have a feeling those kids are watching Paramore only because of Twilight and Decode. Or maybe it’s the parents who are fans…?
• Crowd reaction was okay…except right before the encore. Granted, Hayley and the band left the stage abruptly, and kind of left the audience dumbfounded. But the thing is: the crowd stopped screaming. I was afraid the band wouldn’t come out for an encore. Good thing some people started screaming, “More Paramore!” Whew.
• My brother has been teasing me about how emo the band is and after last night, I think I’m about to concede. Haha. As we got in the venue, there was almost a sea of black by the Bronze area. Oh gosh, good thing there weren’t any riots. Or kids in heavy eyeliner. :o
• So here was our time line yesterday: left for MOA at 1, got there around 2, shopped a bit, lined up for the venue by 4, got in at 6:30, show started 8:30. Show ended 10. And they kicked us out at 10:30. How about that.
• Again, I’ve been a part of a concert producing group, so I know how it is to feel star struck with the artist. But, as our producer used to say: if you’re a part of the organizing team, you cannot afford to be star struck. Being star struck with the artist will spell all kinds of trouble, especially with the staff. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it feels like most of the people there are fans who were star struck with the band too much before they actually went to work. When they finally let us in, the girl who checked our bag was also the same girl who checked our pockets. Aren’t those supposed to be two people?
• There were concessionaires inside the concert grounds, but before the show, some McDonald’s people went around outside to sell food. My friend bought some food from the McDo people just before we have to go in, and the girl who was checking our bags tells her that she can’t bring the food in. Food bought from other establishments isn’t allowed inside the concert grounds because there is food available inside. Again, the McDo food came from inside the concert area. Tell me, what’s wrong with this picture?
• I felt bad for the students who came from school who went straight to MOA. One girl in front of us couldn’t go in immediately because the Starbucks tumbler in her bag isn’t allowed inside the venue. I wonder, what could they do about that? The organizers should have anticipated that and set up a deposit area, where they could have deposited the things that couldn’t be brought inside. If it was a Saturday concert, there wouldn’t be a need for that…but it’s not, so they could have set up something like that.
• I don’t know if the security people for Paramore was the same as Katy Perry’s…but honestly, it kind of sucked. No one I know got anything stolen from them, but I think I just saw the most obnoxious/annoying bouncers ever. I know crowd control is always the problem, but I don’t get it why most of the bouncers are in the Gold section and not in the Silver section. I don’t really know if there were bouncers at the back of the Silver section, but where we stood — near the fence — all bouncers we can see are on the other side, obviously, people were crowding by the fence, and there was no crowd control within the crowd at our side. Most of them were just guarding the border. What’s weird was sometime during the show, a bunch of people were being allowed to enter from the Gold section from the Silver section. We asked about it, and they said that the Gold gate was closed so the Gold ticket holders have to pass through the Silver gate to get through. Now that just didn’t make sense. Why did they close the Gold gate? I can’t see any logic with that, but I won’t question it too much, but why make the people pass by through the crowd to get to the Gold section? Of course, the other people in the Silver section who don’t know about it thought they were letting people in randomly, so they started inching, pushing their way there…until it was so crowded in our area that it’s impossible to move. Ugh.
• And once again it’s weird: some of the people who entered the Gold area to from that side of the Silver area looked suspiciously jubilant, with the triumphant “YES!” coming out of their mouths and fist pumping action too…looks fishy, like they found a way to get into the Gold area when they shouldn’t be there. Just a thought.
• Now speaking of areas…MOA felt like such a big venue, I swear. I think they might have done better with NBC Tent or something because the space between Gold and Silver and Bronze felt like such a waste. But that’s just me.
• Back to the obnoxious bouncers: I really have this bad feeling that the bouncers were annoying us on purpose. We were trying to record the stuff on our itty-bitty digicams, but they keep on standing in front of the itty-bitty screens, as if they’re posing. And there was this one guy, who looked like a bouncer but was given a huge Globe Balloon and was told to sell load who kept on running around in front of our view of the screen, almost mockingly, to cover the screen. He did this more than five times. I wanted to shoot a pin through the balloon behind him just to make him go away. >:/
• Watching the videos I took, I realized that the sound system wasn’t stellar. Katy Perry’s sound system was better, and I was at the bronze area then. Are they different?
• Merchandise! I was hoping to get some merchandise as a remembrance, but there were no merch tables except at the Gold area. Wait, apparently, there were some at the Silver and Bronze section, but they closed early. The Gold section still had some merchandise…so after the concert, my friend attempted to go to the Gold area to get to the merch…but the bouncers blocked him. NOTE: the concert was over, and there was really no need for the barricades anymore. Still couldn’t get to the merch. :( Come to think of it, shouldn’t there be merchandise table outside? And shouldn’t they have sold the merch before the concert started?
• The bouncers kicked us out by 10:30. Seriously. We were sitting and resting at the back of the Silver when two bouncers arrived and told us we couldn’t stay inside anymore. One of them even had the gall to say, “There’s a suicide bomber threat.” WTH.

Well this is a mighty long post, I’m sorry. Too many observations, and I’m not even sure if I got all. I know there’s the Gold/VIP problem, too, but I wasn’t at that area so I can’t write about it. The band rocked, but the event itself could have been made better. It’s all about anticipating what could happen: knowing what crowd is going, what the people could be bringing, how to control the crowd, how to make sure the crowd is pleased and the safety of the audience. I felt that something lacked in the overall organization of the event — it really could have been better.

It’s a really good thing that Paramore rocked, which made last night fun and worth it, despite all that. :) They say they’re coming back — let’s hope the event goes better next time. :)

And before I end this super long entry, here’s a video! Excuse the singing. ;)

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This is a late post, because yesterday I was rocking out to Paramore. :P More on another post.

I was on my way home last night, thinking about International Women’s Day and feeling happy and empowered about being a woman, when I realized something: My, that post sounded a wee bit cocky.

Yes, this is another one of those “See how I was before and this is how I am now” posts, and yes, this is about my spiritual life again. I’ve gone on and on about how I miss my college life because I was more “spiritual” then, because of my community, and I’ve also gone on and on about how I haven’t been making enough effort to pray, and it’s showing. I realize that my blog posts are another example of that, of how I see to be less…I don’t know, spiritual? Prayerful?

I mean, take my post yesterday. I went on and on and on about how women rock, and how women rule and how cool Kathryn Bigelow is for winning Best Director in the Academy Awards…that’s now. I realized that it sounded a bit cocky and too feminist, and if I were the same prayerful person I was before, I probably would have posted about the Proverbs 31 woman, or maybe being  God Chick. Those kinds of things. I would have written about being a woman after God’s own heart, and all that jazz.

Not that I’m saying that being proud of being a woman isn’t good. Of course it is. But after reading my post again, it just felt too…feminist for me.

Maybe I’m thinking too much.

But then that got me thinking of how I write my posts now. I feel like they’re losing substance, most of them are too shallow, and it’s always about me, me and me. I feel like that’s not the whole point of this blog.

So then what is the point of my blog?

I guess I never really thought about that. Or maybe I did once, but I didn’t focus on it. Refine Me is a personal blog, yes, but it’s not just about me. I hardly blog about how my days went because I don’t think people even bother to read it. I admit: I’m not blogging only for myself, but I’m blogging also for an audience. This may be a personal blog, but it’s not a diary or a journal — that’s where the dailies come in. This blog chronicles the way I see the world, the way I get “refined”. I’m not sure exactly what I should write about there, about refinement, but it must be something more…deep. Right?

Okay, okay, I may be pressuring myself, but it’s a valid question right? It may not seem celebratory, but sometimes some epiphanies, or some self-realizations merit celebrations.

May this post remind me of that question: why am I blogging? What’s the real purpose of this blog? Maybe, if I can get to answer that, I’ll be able to reach more people, and inspire people…in some way. Let’s see.

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Last Saturday was spent with gym and pampering myself, followed by good time spent with a good girl friend, followed by a movie with other great friends. So yes, Saturday was fun and relaxing. :) Sunday was composed of good times with family, and good food (Charlie’s — the best burger place in town, I swear).

Yeah, I just feel like recapping my weekend. Too bad it was short, but like I said, I’m having an extended weekend. :P

But there are more important things to talk about, and more important people to honor today. Yes, people. I’m not going to list them one by one, because there’s just so many of them in this world, and I’m one of them. At least, the last time I checked. ;)

Happy International Women’s Day, everyone!

ADD Moment: I meant to post something with a ribbon, but I realize it may point to breast cancer awareness. So…there’s my pink mouse, and my (fading) Tigger key chain, to represent the “roaring”. Sort of. :P

And it’s just awesome to know that one of us won a very prestigious award in today’s Oscars. Congratulations to Kathryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker, who bagged major awards in this year’s Academy Awards. I haven’t watched The Hurt Locker yet, but I know it’s a war movie, which doesn’t have Amish fireplaces, and is a movie I would often associate to a guy director, so it was surprising that a woman directed it. I haven’t watched any other movie she directed, but I think her winning the Best Director award among all the other males was awesome, and just look at this:

Once again: awesome. :)

So to all the women out there, this is our day! Let the world know how much we women rock. :) Like what the commercials in Lifestyle Channel says: I’m passionate about being a woman. Roar!

This makes me even more excited for tomorrow’s concert: nothing like a female vocalist in a rock band to make me feel even more empowered. ;) Haha.

One last thing!

Again, Happy International Women’s Day! At the risk of sounding…I don’t know, corny, I guess? Anyway, let me say: rock on, girl friends! ♥

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