Reflections

Turning 45

2013-05-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

Turning 45

Sounds like a mix of old songs that we used to play in our time using a disc. But it’s not a laser disc, rather it’s a vinyl disc and we played in on the turntable where a needle “reads” the music as the song is playing.

If you would describe that to today’s generation, they might give you a blank face because they won’t understand what you’re talking about; they might display an expression of a dropped-jaw of disbelief that there was such a device that existed; or they might show you a wide-eye face and see you as an untamed caveman from the stone age.

In other words, it may sound Jurassic to them.

That is how I feel right now – old... Jurassic... an outdated model. Sure, I don’t need a cane to walk nor do I need an adult diaper because I am still very much in control. But that doesn’t really classify me as a youth, does it.

I’m 45, and that is that!

If adolescence is that confusing stage wherein you are neither a child nor an adult, being 45 is that awkward age wherein you are either old or too old.

Maybe growing old could be easier if you know you have something to prove for all those years of existence, and you know you can leave something that will assure your child a better future. Honestly, the opposite is true.

They say 40 is the new 30, making 30 the new 20, and so on and so forth. This, I guess is just a lame excuse for people to act like a jerk in spite of their age.

They also say age is only in the mind. So I guess if I’m mindless I will be eternally youthful.

You can throw all the clichés that you can think of at me, but it won’t change the fact that I am 45.

And that is that!

Smile for Me... the story and the song

2012-12-03T07:46:00.002-08:00

It was an evening that I felt so low… and all alone. The fever I had then was not helping. I was thinking of a quick way out. I was tired… sick and tired, literally. There was nothing going right, and there’s nothing left either.

Evening… dark… alone… sick… a perfect condition for demotivation.

Where were those friends who said “We’re always here for you!”

If only my wife was with me then, I knew she would make me feel better… without even saying a word. She would just hold my hand, embrace me… and smile. I knew everything will be fine.

Of course, she’s no longer here with me for she already went home four years ago and I have to continue the journey by myself. I can’t let three kids down… I can’t let my wife down.

But I really wished she’s still with me. I wish I could see her smile at me again.

Not minding the fever I had, I stood up to get the guitar. Playing some chords, I nonchalantly murmured “smile for me as you look down from heaven… help me feel better… help me feel strong… tell me I can still go on.”

Those words… a guitar on hand… and a melancholic ambiance… I was able to build a pattern which became the refrain and the bridge of the song.

I was not able to finish the song that night. I can’t. It took me more than a month but eventually I was able to find out the words that best expressed my sentiments and complete the song.

I uploaded the song on YouTube on November 29, her birthday, sent it to her through my ‘letters’ and hope that it could reach her… wishing that she would like it.

Here is the song I wrote for my wife for her birthday, it’s called Smile For Me.

I really wish I was able to make her smile.

I'm sorry Lord for my faith is weak...

2012-11-12T03:50:00.002-08:00

Lord, I'm sorry. I thought I was strong in faith. I thought I can hold on... but I'm not. I'm failing, Lord. Honestly, I would like to hold on and that somehow like a silver lining on a dark and cloudy sky, You would shine at the precise to save me from this pit I am in.

I'm having doubts, My Lord. I am sorry. I've tried not to entertain this feeling but it seems the devil is getting the better of me and I'm losing this fight within me.

Please Lord, I need You now. Help me, My God... I'm drowning...

Do you dare question God's ways?

2012-11-04T01:55:00.000-07:00

Do you dare question God's ways? Can you question His decisions?

I can. In fact, I do.

No, I am not remorseful nor do I feel that it is blasphemous or sacrilegious.

I had an argument once with my wife back then. She was an Education graduate, by the way, and majored in Religious Education.

I asked her, "Do you think cursing God, being angry with Him, and questioning His ways is also a form of prayer?"

At first, she said "No" and was even terrified by the word "cursing." I mean, which faithful dare curse Our Creator, The Almighty Father?

But when I stated my argument, she somewhat agreed… although not completely.

I told her, you can only be mad because you did not get what you were expecting to receive. And you can only expect if you believe. Hence, disappointments are not really caused by doubts but by beliefs… beliefs that were not met.

Also, they say prayer is communicating with God. When you ask Him… question His ways and judgment, you are actually communicating with Him, right? So, how can that not be considered a prayer? And how can you communicate with someone you do not even believe in, in the first place?

That is why I think that when I ask Him about how He throw things at me, and why at times I dare tell Him that He wasn't even listening to me, I know for a fact that I am COMMUNICATING with Him.

It is like a son talking to his father - where both have an open line of communication with each other.

Of course, I never really cursed Him, although I sometimes use absolutes like Never, Always, and I'm sick and tired… only to realize later that His ways are not my ways and His plans are indeed beyond my comprehensions.

I am not stubborn. I would accept His decisions, but I know I can always tell Him how I feel about things. It is something personal.

Thus, I was able to convince Nem, albeit with reservations, that when I question God's ways I am in fact praying to Him.

And yes, I do praise and thank Him too. I do not always complain.

Yes, I still call her my wife

2012-10-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

I know I may have confused some of my friends, especially new friends and old friend who never heard what happened. But yes, I still call Nimia "my wife" because the fact is she is still my wife.

Maybe we're just separated, but we're still married. Nem and I are separated because she now lives in heaven while I am here still struggling it here on earth.

That is why when I talk about her, I still refer to her as my wife. I don't know why, but I can't find it in my heart to use the word "late" and refer to her as my "late" wife, as what some people might say is the correct phrase.

No. It's not because I haven't accepted what happened and I still live in the past. It's not that.

I have already accepted our fate, Nem prepared me for it long before she went "home." I just don't like using the word "late."

Why should I?! She wasn't late! In fact, she was early. SHE WENT HOME EARLY!

Seriously, it doesn't really make any difference for me. We're still married, it's just that she's already up there with the BIG GUY while I'm still down here trying to finish whatever it is that I need to finish.

I do hope this made everything clear… or not.

How to be an inspiration?

2012-10-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

What does it really take to inspire others? Do you need to be somebody? Do you have to be an influential person before you can be inspirational?

I don’t think so. I don’t really know how, but I think the list I prepared below might help.

1.   Smile
2.   If it suddenly rained and you don’t have an umbrella, dance like a little kid under the rain… and smile
3.   If your house was burned down, say “At least I’m still alive and unharmed,” and then… smile
4.   If you suddenly lost your dog, believe that he is happy, and loved, with his new owner… and smile
5.   If you find yourself suddenly out of job, think of the many possibilities. Like the prospects of new jobs you can apply to, or even start a business and be your own boss! And then… smile
6.   If your girl/boy dumps you for another one, know that someone better will come along… and smile
7.   When all your life’s savings went down the drain because you lose on a bet or invested it on a business that went kaput, realize that you can always start again. Remember that when you are down, there’s no way to go but up. And of course, don’t forget to smile.

Shallow? Yes, they are. But some people are not really looking for heroes. They are looking for real people – people who get hurt; people who fail; people who fall, and stand up.

You don’t have to do a great deal. You don’t need gigantic accomplishments. You can inspire others if you yourself are still undone. As long as you continue to fight, no matter how hard you are hit. People will notice, and they will realize that it is still worthwhile to continue living. Then, they will be inspired too.

Does it make sense?

Then tell me… are you inspired yet?

Putting me in my proper place

2012-09-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

I attended a songwriting workshop conducted by The Maestro, Mr. Ryan Cayabyab, today at the San Beda College in Manila. I was very excited because aside from the workshop itself, it will be the first time that I will meet Ryan Cayabyab. I've been watching him since Ryan Ryan Musikahan, and yes, you may say I'm a fan.

Together with him during the workshop were some of the finalists of the recently concluded PhilPop Music Festival Songwriting Competition. The contest I joined in, and of course, eventually lost.

They presented the finalists, and the finalists who were present there performed their winning songs.

Damn! They're good! No, I mean, they were excellent!

And I dared compete with those people?! And you know what's worse? They were so young, some were even half my age!

What does that make me? Twice a loser, I guess.

Ryan said well, "You've seen and heard these guys. They all play a musical instrument and they all can sing."

He emphasized that those are important factors for a songwriter.

I am a mediocre guitar player and definitely a lousy singer.

Should I still join future songwriting contests?

I don't know, those guys sure put me in my proper place.

Hot water system

2012-08-11T20:04:00.001-07:00

The cold season came early this year because of the continuous rains these past few days, waking it difficult to wake up and stand up so early in the morning. Much more take a bath in the cold weather. But to attend to classes, work, errands, etc., taking a bath is mandatory. The best solution is a hot shower, although right now there is no hot water system installed in our house. So I searched the web to look for some and stumbled upon some hot water circulator reviews to help me in choosing what is the best hot water system to be installed in our house.

The hot water system would be very helpful to alleviate the cold weather we are experiencing, especially for me and my kids who need to wake up early in the morning to go to work and school. It is not like we have a choice. The rainy cold weather season is not a reason for us to stop doing what we should. Intelligent people as we are, we need to find ways to be able to adapt to what mother nature, and the environment will throw to us. Cold mornings will not, and should not, stop us from going through our days.

I also read from somewhere, that a hot shower can be healthy and will help in the better circulation of the blood, justifying the necessity for the installation of a hot water shower system that should be used not during cold rainy seasons, but all throughout the year. However, I also heard of some horrific stories of some who where hurt, burned, and injured because of a malfunctioning hot water system. That is why the reviews I found will be most helpful in guiding me in my choice. Of course, I will also ask the advice of some of my friends who have hot water system installed in their house.

The Choice

2012-06-10T05:32:00.000-07:00

The Choice
by Roy

I tried to move on
Tear a page off my life
Learned to fool myself
And wore a fake smile
Cause life goes on
Even as I breathe in pain

I might as well tell my heart
To stop beating
Cause it always look back
And continue hoping
Someday, somehow
You would care

But does it really matter?
Tomorrow will not change
It just adds another day
To this story of longing
A plea that will never be
For you can't feel my pain

Would you look my way?
Or is that asking too much?
For my eyes tell more
Than what my lips dare cry
However, I do not exist
In your consciousness

Waiting is not a game
It is a curse
And I will embrace it
Until you hear my heart
How long, you asked?
An eternity of time

A fool, I knowI am
Basking in all this pain
I could have walked away
And be free
But I choose hurt over empty
Cause you're not there

-----------------------------
June 6, 2012
12:55 a.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Yes, I love you but...

2012-05-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, I love you but… I have a life to live. I need to get my life back, there are people who defend on it, three of which are my kids.

I'm beginning to hurt other people. Even turning against my friends and disappointing those who were always there for me.

No, it wasn't your fault really. It was all my fault. My own doing. It was all my conscious choice.

I choose to linger with the pain. I choose to wallow in this pool of apathy, hoping that someday you might turn your head my way and see me hurting. Perhaps you might realize the sincerity in what I am offering.

But it will not happen. It will never happen. My pain is the least of your concern.

You'll never know what I went through… what I am going through.

I thought I had a chance. Really, I thought I did. But I fumbled and everything that I did was erased. You were never aware of them in the first place, so there wasn't really any loss as far you are concern.

I never really stood a chance.

I could have waited a little longer, no matter how bleak my chance is. I can wait longer if I want to… but I'm beginning to hurt other people and it was unfair for them.

Yes, I love you… but I believe I have already done my part.

I need to get my life back on track.

Yet another dream...

2012-05-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Submission of entries for the PhilPop Music Festival ended last May 10, 2012. Right now they are narrowing down the entries to 100, from there they would choose 30, and from the 30 they would pick the 14 finalists who will be showcased in the finals night sometime in July 2012.

What are my chances? 1 to over 1 million! And aside from going against the multitude of talented Filipinos all over the world, the best and brightest professional songwriters of our time are also joining the competition.

It's a long shot, "suntok sa buwan" ika nga. But I would like to think that we actually all have equal chances, and I hope that you can support me and help me pray that I can be chosen as one of the 14 finalists.

Winning the songwriting competition is farthest from my mind. I joined the contest because it's the only channel I know for my song to be heard and hope that somehow it will reach her who inspired me to write the song.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

So help me God.

Why am I still here?

2012-04-24T07:01:00.002-07:00

Why am I still here?

If I can't be with the one I love, then let me be with the one who loves me.

I will never be good enough for her...

2012-04-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

It was July 12, 2011, around 9:00 a.m., I was sitting on my desk preparing my things before I make my rounds. It was my second week in my new job as Admin Officer in the hospital. Before I was able to stand up, my Admin Director approached me... she was accompanied by an angel.

"Roy, this is Gail, head of the Hemodialysis unit," my Director said as she introduced the angel to me, "they will be attending a seminar in Philhealth tomorrow and they need transportation. Make sure they will be provided one, it's an important seminar."

"Yes ma'm! It will be taken care of," I replied, as I looked at the angel with the sweetest smile.

It must have been more than 10 minutes since they left, but it seemed I can still see Gail standing there in front of my desk, smiling.

Fast forward, I no longer work in the hospital. I left about three weeks ago seeking for the proverbial "greener pasture" and the one I miss most in the hospital, of course, is the angel with the sweetest smile.

But the problem is, I will never be good enough for her. Never have been... never will be. I guess I just have to be contented with her being only a dream.

I wish I can tell more and say why it can't be.

I just have to accept the fact that it will never happen... but I love her... always will.

Grateful

2012-04-06T19:04:00.002-07:00

Grateful
by Roy dela Cruz

Grateful for the challenges
That helped me grow
Grateful for new horizons
That I can explore

Grateful for old friends
Who were always there
Grateful for new friends
Who’ll help me around the bend

Grateful for the tears that flowed
That helped cleanse my soul
Grateful for the pains I felt
That helped shape my old self

Grateful for yesterday
That prepared me for today
Grateful for tomorrow
And more ambitions to go for

Grateful for all the blessings
And the hurting in between
Grateful for the talents
That helped me expressed myself

Grateful forever
And forever will be grateful

---------------------------------
July 2, 2011
8:52 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Emotional Blackmail

2012-03-01T21:26:00.001-08:00

Emotional Blackmail
by Roy dela Cruz

This game
Of cold treatment
Is the worst pain
That can be inflicted

I am not a monster
Nor did I intend
To cause harm
And yet…

I can pretend
Not to care too
For I have masks
I can wear

Run away
Don’t look into my eyes
For I might cause fear
And nightmares too

Who’s hurting who?

--------------------------------
February 29, 2012
3:06 a.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Silently

2012-02-20T19:02:00.001-08:00

Silently
By Roy dela Cruz

I sit at the back
Staring at you
Silently
You didn’t notice
Or perhaps
You just don’t care
It doesn’t matter
You don’t have to know
I’ll just sit here
Silently
And look at you

---------------------
February 21, 2012
10:34 a.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Should You Fall In Love With A Girl With Hurting Past?

2012-02-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

Should You Fall In Love With A Girl With Hurting Past?
by Roy dela Cruz

Do not fall in love
With a girl with hurting past
Unless you want to go through
All the pain that she has
For no matter how pure
Your intentions can be
She'll fear you'll hurt her too
Just like what the first one did

Because no matter how long
Her wounds will never heal
Time will never erase
The scars he left in her heart
Now here you are who comes
In sincerity, honesty and all
The very things that'll send her a cue
To be afraid and run away

You'll be left with questions
"Why won't she give me a chance?"
Then you will feel the pain
That's been there in her heart
And the coming days will see
The pain growing even deeper
For she already locked her heart
And you weren't even able to start

So, should you fall in love
To a girl with hurting past?
I say go ahead, take the risk
For she's worth all the pain there is
It may take a while
But eventually she will see
Through all the pains and tears
That love can be trusted still

Take chance
Be patient
Prove to her
Love can be trusted still
-----------------------------------
February 17, 2012
9:50 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Love Her - A poem in 3 languages

2012-02-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

Kabang Atyu Ya Pa
neng Roy dela Cruz

Talnan me gamat kabang abe me pa
E ka sasawang sasabing “Kaluguran da ka”
Uling potang ala ne, malaut ne keka
E na na ka damdaman, adyang gulisak ka pa

Kareng penandit atin e pamikakaintindi
Patse atin kang ikit e masanting nang ugali
Karetang panaun a mimwa ka o mikapali
Pantunan mu ngan iti potang ika nang dili

Anya pakalawen me timan nang makayama
Kaulan meng anting e ne maybug mangisnawa
Sukat mung iparamdam kabang atyu ya pa keka
Ing kekang lugud a tune ampong alang kapupusan

------------------------
January 30, 2012
12:30 p.m.

Love Her While You Can
by Roy dela Cruz

Hold her hands, she might not stay for long
Take every chance to say “I love you so”
For when she’s gone and out of your reach
No amount of crying can reach where she is

Those times when you’re having misunderstandings
Or you see some habits not to your liking
The times when she drives you out of your wit
Well, guess what? You’re going to miss them too

So, behold her and her lovely smile
Embrace her as if saying “I’ll never let you go”
Shower her with affection while you can
Make her feel a love that will last till the end of time

--------------------
January 30, 2012
1:00 p.m.

Habang Kapiling Pa Siya
ni Roy dela Cruz

Hawakan mo ang kanyang mga kamay
Ibulong kung gaano mo siya kamahal
Samantalahin ang pagkakataon habang kapiling siya
Dahil umiyak ka man, di niya ito maririnig ‘pag siya’y wala na

Ang mga tampuhan o di pagkakaunawaan
Sa inyong mga hindi magkatugmang ugali
Ang mga walang katapusang away-bati
Maalala mo lahat yun… kasabay ng mapait na ngiti

Kaya’t ‘wag kang magsawang tumingin sa kanyang ngiti
Yakapin mo siya nang mahigpit sa bawat saglit
Huwag sayangin ang bawat sandaling siya’y kapiling
Iparamdam na habangbuhay mo siyang mamahalin

-----------------------
January 30, 2012
1:38 p.m.

So love her... just love her...

It Could Have Been Beautiful

2011-12-13T16:08:00.001-08:00

It Could Have Been Beautiful

It could have been beautiful
I swear
It could have been
If only I was given
Just a single chance
I could have shown
How beautiful
It could have been

“I’m not yet ready”
Is as cliché as saying
“I have a headache”
Typical
It’s not taken against you
For you just made a choice
And I understand
But believe me
It could have been beautiful

I will be moving on
But I know for sure
I’ll always look back
For one day I might find
That you are ready
I might have the chance
And prove to you
How beautiful it can be

And then…
You won’t have to cry

-------------------------------------
Roy
December 14, 2011
12:27 a.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Making matter of your life

2011-10-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Making "matter" of your life

During a company meeting, there were sharing of thoughts about an article that was given for us to read. The title of the article was "Make your life matter."

The article was about, well, making your life matter. Which means making your life significant, making a difference, being a catalyst, and so on and so forth.

But the word "matter" instantly reverberates in me the definition of matter, "anything that has weight and occupies space."

Science 101, right?

Smart-alec you might say. You're right. But wait, my smart-alec inner voice didn't stop there. It elaborates further the definition of matter, in relation to the article we just read, which I was able to share to the group then.

Anything that has weight
One of the characteristics of matter is that it should have weight, which means for us to matter, we should have "weight" too, figuratively speaking of course.

By weight, I mean substance… purpose… significance. Our thoughts and actions, and existence, should be making a contribution to ourselves, to the people around us, to the community we belong to. "Weight-ful" enough to have an impact, not necessarily in a grandiose way, but at least enough to make even just a small difference.

Remember, little things matter too (oops, there's that word again).

…and occupies space
Another characteristic of matter… it should be able to occupy a space. Each of us have our "spaces" to occupy. We have our own roles to play.

Are we occupying it properly? Are we fulfilling our destined role?

For us to have "weight," we should find our "space."

We can best create an impact if we are occupying our correct space, if we are playing our exact roles. Being a "square peg in a round hole" is more than just a cliché, in fact it happens quite too often. We need to find our "correct space," our exact role… it is something where we are most happy doing.

Once we found it, we can only expect ourselves to do our best.

So, let's make our life matter… rather, let's make "matter" of our life… let's have weight and occupy our space.

Breathe In Me A Prayer Of Hope

2011-07-30T21:05:00.001-07:00

Breathe in me a prayer of hope
Arm me with the limbs of strength
For the elixir of faith that I take
Now seems to lack in sustenance

For I, who once donned the armor
Of resilience and invincibility
Now kneels down in Your majestic presence
Unclothe and in full humility

With the journey ahead yet too far
This battle-scarred soldier already feels tired
So I drag my feet just to continue
For I know the mission is still undone

So breathe in me a prayer of hope
As I humble myself and bare my soul
Hold me in Your loving arms
Help me make it through the tide

Please breathe in me a prayer of hope

---------------------------------------------
Roy
July 27, 2011
12:08 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Today is 25th

2011-05-19T04:21:00.000-07:00

Today is our 25th year, our anniversary... although we have to celebrate it with a great distance between us -- she in heaven, me here still on earth.

I know, life goes on. But it doesn't mean I have to let go of memories... no matter what others say. I always remember this special day. It will always have a special meaning for me.

Like what I said last year, her decision then reluctant but I made sure I was worth the risk. I hope.

And if I could turn back the hands time, I won't change a thing.

Happy anniversary, Mama! I love you.

By The Door

2011-03-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

Standing by the door
The best place I could be
Waiting for the chance
To be invited in
And take an active part

Waiting by the door
Feeling everything… by a glance
Not knowing if there’ll ever be
A chance for me to become more
Than someone who just stands outside

Hoping still by the door
Not wanting to just barge in
Am not one to push my luck
And be loss in this game of chance
I’ll be happy with what I have

So will I continue to wait
For the door to open wide
And be invited in
To become a part
Of your life

-----------------------------------------
Roy
6:25 p.m.
March 26, 2011
Angeles City
Philippines

I will keep my silence

2011-03-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

I will keep my silence
If only to make you stay
I will not insist anything
Lest I turn you away

I will keep it all inside
This bittersweet bliss
As well as the treasured pain
That come with this feeling

I will wait for tomorrow
Or maybe even a day more
Hopefully soon it will happen
It won't be a day too late

So I will keep my silence
If only to make you stay
Until ends the spell
Of this curse that is friendship

------------------------------------
Roy
March 18, 2011
4:11 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines

Because I dared to dream...

2011-03-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

Because I dared to dream I have a chance to make a dream come true.

From the single verse where everything started… from the seed that was planted… soon will be the chance to see its fruition… its realization.

True, there were times I drifted away from my calling. Somehow, it came back to haunt me… and how. And it wasn’t long before I came back to writing poems… to writing reflections in verses.

As I went to continue threading more lines, rhythmic or not, the old dream was inevitably awaken… the dream to share my poetry through my own book.

I thought it would always remain as that – a dream.

Because there wasn’t just a single instance that I was discouraged to pursue the dream due to a lot of factors, financial being the foremost.

Fortunately for me, my subconscious mind would not take it sitting down. They say the subconscious mind is very powerful, so we need to be careful what we put there… if only we know how.

And because I almost gave up, I tried to forget about the dream, and yet continued to write poems in my notebook. Unknowingly, I was able to place it in my subconscious mind, which has other plans.

While I was unconcerned whether the dream will come true or not, my subconscious mind conspired with the universal forces that make things happen. It took a while before it succeeded in doing so, but like what they always say, everything will come around.

Little by little, events unfolded, and I was led to the people who will help me make my dream true – from the supportive friends who kept on pushing, the naysayers who always challenged, the unfortunate events that only made me stronger, and finally to the publishing people who agreed to accommodate my whims.

And thus now, I am still anxious, to be honest, but excited nonetheless. The REFLECTION will come to life… a lifelong dream will finally come true….

…because I dared to dream.

Please read also:

REFLECTION... a dream come true

Why a gray REFLECTION?

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