For example, I never realized how monogamy-centric the majority of American fiction is — books and movies — until I delved into adult communities online. There, many people explore alternative relationship styles like polyamory and group unions, in the relative anonymity of the internet. In that realm, it is “safe” for men to be emotional and for women to have sexual desire and multiple partners.

(If you have ever wondered why so many awesome men love Heinlein and remember clearly the lessons they learned about sex and love from him as adolescents, before cultural realities kicked them in the balls as adults, the answer might lie herein.)

Dr. Charlie Glickman provides some interesting commentary on the language choices in a Time Magazine article about emotional openness and male mental health.

Emotional Skills Help Men Live Longer | Good Vibrations Magazine

Anytime boys or men step outside the box of being a “real man,” we run the risk of being fag-bashed. In many ways, this is comparable to slut-shaming women. In both cases, when someone violates the rigid boundaries of gender by doing something that the “other group” is allowed to do (for men, showing emotions; for women, wanting to have sex or multiple partners), they get attacked, shamed, and assaulted. And even when reporting on research that shows that these inflexible rules cause problems for the people who comply with them, the writer still managed to get some digs in at men who don’t fit the stereotypes.

I think the Time Magazine article uses phrases like “mama’s boy” and “stop sniveling and ‘be a man’?” deliberately, to draw attention to cultural attitudes about masculinity, to create just enough controversy to drive traffic to the story without pissing off the advertisers, and to be humorous. I like to the think that the author wants to show how easy it is to reinforce the repression of natural male instincts — including the expression of tender emotions, the ability to form deep bonds with other men, and respect for their mothers as people not just objects in need of protection and reverence — simply by using common American sayings.

I might be projecting based on my own language choices in certain Sex Drive columns. Also, I have some experience with the pressure editors and publishers can apply, encouraging one to push buttons so that bloggers will be offended and write posts about (and therefore link to) the story. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part, seeing benign and even benevolent motives that aren’t actually there.

But I noticed that the title bar says “Emotional Openness May Be Good for Your Health,” an accurate summary of the article content, genially and neutrally expressed. Very likely, this was the original headline, entered into the meta data fields of the publishing tool.

Then a copy editor came along and said “well, gee whiz, this is the blandest title I’ve ever seen,” and changed the headline to its current rabble-rousing state: “Being a Mama’s Boy: Good for Your Health?”

Which one are you more likely to click?

The one that creates an emotional response, of course.

“Anyone who has ‘it’s complicated’ or worse yet, doesn’t list a status at all, might have baggage — or a crazy boyfriend — you want no part of.”

Really?

I don’t list a relationship status because if you know me even a little bit, you already know the kinds of relationships I have. And if you don’t know me at all, I’d rather you spend some time getting to know me rather than glance at a multiple-choice answer that might mean something different to you than it does to me. Especially considering how many different types of arrangements fit into the category I’d have to pick.

I hope that doesn’t make me high-maintenance.

Some people don’t list their relationship status in an attempt, however vain, to keep the information away from advertisers. Some include their status but don’t reveal it to anyone outside a designated category of contacts. Some list an erroneous status. Some don’t want people to know how often their relationship status changes.

How sad to miss out on a great connection just because a person doesn’t feel like summing up their love life in fewer than five words – from a template, not their heart — in a social networking profile.

I know I’m taking the piece too seriously. The “top 10 list” articles are about generating page views (you have to click to a new page for each of the 10 tips) and exposing as much advertising as possible (ads appear between pages, on top of the tip text, and on all four sides of the article space). They attempt to provide just enough entertainment to keep you clicking, but not so much that you can’t bear to click on an ad and go watch a movie trailer or shop for razors.

Besides, we have a story in my family that sheds a different light on the whole relationship status thing.

My parents met when they both worked for the same law firm during college. When my dad first asked my mom out, mom said, “Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.” Dad just smiled his devilish smile and replied. “That’s okay. All my girlfriends have had boyfriends.” There was laughter and a suggestion about calling him if the boyfriend didn’t work out.

That Friday, the boyfriend didn’t show up. My mom, a good Catholic girl, waited an appropriate interval (about half an hour, I think) and then gave dad a call. They’ve now been married for 41 years. (And no, dad had not arranged for anything to happen to the boyfriend. It was just good timing.)

You simply can’t tell someone’s true relationship status from a check box.

I figured it would, as the OhMiBod toys vibrate in response to audio, whether music or voice or random environmental sounds (depending on which toy you get). But you never know for sure unless you ask, so I called and spoke with co-founder Brian Vatter. “People already love to use the [wireless OhMiBod] Freestyle for voice, and adding video is remarkably relevant to the conversation,” he said. “It adds that third dimension. It’s a perfect fit.”

We also talked about Steve Jobs and his efforts to protect you from pornography and sex, and the struggle to get OhMiBod apps into iTunes, and whether Brian will be developing apps for Android OS in the near future. (You don’t need an app to use OhMiBod vibrators with any music player, but that’s not the point.)

In the meantime, Debby shares her experience and offers tips for getting the most out of your iThingie.

The Best (Phone) Sex of Your Life
The first thing that strikes you about FaceTime is that the image quality is incredible. Instead of some blurred-out cluster of pixels, your partner looks touchably real. You can see small movements and subtle expressions quickly flitting across faces. The second thing that subtly blows your mind is actually something you don’t notice: Because the screen and camera are essentially in the same place, you end up looking at your partner directly, skipping that weird sensation that you’re both staring at some point off in the distance. This leads to gazing, to intimacy, to locked eyes searching for glimmers of love, sadness, hurt, or mischievous excitement. And we all know where that leads: It’s a direct flight to Gettin’ Busytown.

[[Update: Debby posted her "author's cut" review on her own site, with more juicy details. Click here to read it at MySexProfessor.com.]]

iPhone Owners Have the Most Sex Partners
OkCupid looked at the data hidden in the images that users uploaded as profile pictures to see which cameras were used to take them — including smartphone cameras. With many of the site’s users also having taken personality tests like “The Dating Persona Test” or “The Slut Test,” which ask for a count of sexual partners, the site was able to cross-reference that data to complete the study.

Maybe it’s because Steve Jobs is doing his darndest to protect you from porn on your iPhone, so you end up pursuing more sex rather than tucking in with mobile porn like Droid users can. Maybe it’s because people who seek sexual novelty by having more partners are also early adopters of new technologies — or at least, hip new communications devices (perhaps to keep up with all those partners) — and so they already had iPhones when the Droid came out.

Or maybe iPhones make people more attractive and act as tractor beams for new sexual partners. Maybe I need to get a t-shirt that says “I loved my partners before they got iPhones”?

Meanwhile, I’m happy with my Droid.

Welcome to the first annual MOMENTUM Conference taking place on April 1 to April 3, 2011 in Washington, DC.

The phenomenal growth of online communication has given rise to an amazing amount of sharing, learning and experimenting with different expressions of sexuality, relationships and feminism. MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about the ways the web has impacted our sexuality without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

During MOMENTUM we will discuss ways to bridge the baffling dichotomies our culture creates around sexuality. While on one hand we have unprecedented sexual freedom, on the other we continue to police sexuality with a frightening vigor. Abortion laws, restrictions on gay marriage, abstinence programs, medicalization of sex, fear of pornography and prosecutions for teenage sexting are examples of one side of the spectrum. The discomfort that strives to make us keep our sexuality hidden conflicts with the use of sex — especially the female body — to sell everything from food to cars to “performance enhancing” products.

I’m tempted to apply to give my “how to have great cybersex” presentation, if for no other reason than to provide some comic relief.

DISCOUNT/COUPON CODE: SexRev2.0

It’s good for 10 percent off one order and you can only use it once, so don’t waste it on something cheap.

EstaNoche’s selection is smaller than some stores but it’s because they’re focusing on all the best stuff (yes, I consulted a bit on that too; you’re welcome) and of course they only launched a month or so ago so the catalog is still growing. But they’ve got OhMiBod, nJoy, Aneros, Tenga, Fleshlight, Sqweel, Red Hot Touch videos and books, Tristan Taormino’s videos and books, and these really pretty stick-on body bling things from Bijoux Indescrets that I bought but have yet to try on.

I’m having a great time writing for them — in Spanglish, no less, as we are being playful with the language. I’m picking up muchas palabras I did not learn in la escuela (lo siento, señor Contreras, y no es necesario afilar mi lápiz o ir al baño.) I’m ex-Hispanic by marriage and I now regret that I was too shy to talk dirty in Spanish to mi esposo.

But setting my relationship status will only complicate, not clarify. I’d rather people talk to me. Otherwise they might make assumptions about my interests, availability, or partner(s) based on their own interpretations of the multiple choice options.

Kelli Lawless has a thoughtful article on her Dating and Mating in America blog about What It Means when you do, or don’t, publish your relationship status in social media.

Will you change your relationship status?
For those who live and breathe social media, this little click of a button signifies a one-line piece of big news. But for people who are skeptical of the value of sharing their life with a world of partial strangers, changing that status can be a make it or break it moment in every relationship.

The real problems arise when you are dating someone who feels differently than you do about shouting out to the world that you are in a relationship. If you’re a little in doubt as to where your boyfriend or girlfriend falls on the “status change” issue, here are some tips on how to spot and communicate with the 4 most common types of social media attitudes.

Are you transparent? Cautious? Burned? Not gonna do it? Let her know in the comments.

Super squid sex organ discovered
The mating habits of deep-sea squid have been revealed for the first time, after the discovery of a male squid with a huge elongated and erect penis.

The male squid’s sexual organ is almost as long as its whole body, including the squid’s mantle, head and arms.

That shows how male deep-sea squid inseminate females; they use their huge penis to shoot out packages of sperm, injecting them into the female’s body.

The discovery may also help explain how giant squid mate in the ocean depths.

[snip]

“Obviously a strongly elongated penis is the solution,” says Dr [Alexander] Arkhipkin.

Isn’t it always?

But before you whip out that credit card, you might want to consider the history of the domain. First it was stolen from Match.com founder Gary Kremen by con man Stephen Cohen. Cohen exploited the domain for millions of dollars before the court system finally decided that domain names could be worth something. But by the time Kremen won a lawsuit against Cohen, the thief and the money had already left the country.

Now the domain is for sale because the current owners — who paid “an estimated” 14 million dollars for it in 2006 — have gone bankrupt.

According to the report, which looked at a representative sample of around four million extracted URLs, adult content on the Internet increased by 17 per cent in the first quarter of 2010, as compared to the same period in 2009. Web sites related to the online role-playing games RPGs, such as World of Warcraft; Final Fantasy and Grand Theft Auto 4, have grown by more than 212 per cent in the first three months of 2010. Web sites that contain violence have grown by 10.8 per cent, terrorism content by 8.5 per cent, and illegal drugs purchase by 6.8 per cent, and are continuing to grow, according to to the study, although it failed to define what it means by these terms.

via Over a third of the Internet is pornographic | THINQ.co.uk.

In discussing this report with a friend, he mused “I wonder if that corresponds to real life. If we spend 37% of our meatspace thinking/doing/fantasizing” about sex.

What do you think? Do you?