And let’s face it; Etsy stinks. If I had to describe Etsy’s odor, I would say it’s a heady mix of delusion and exploitation, with just a hint of trying way too fucking hard. So where is this smell coming from?

This is Randy J. Hunt. Etsy’s Creative Director. I’m assuming the J. stands for “Jackfruit.”

This man is directly responsible for fueling the ukelele-playing, bourbon-sipping, tea-steeping, fixie-bike-seat-sniffing mustache-on-a-stick mania over at the International House of Cupcakes.

Just from looking at this photo, it’s clear that this is the style maker; the neckbeard from whence all blessings flow. There’s the heavily pomaded ironic hairstyle, the vintage eyeglass frames (they appear to have lenses in them, but let’s not ask for the moon when we have the stars) and the appearance of being lost in some kind of big idea, probably related to climate change or fair trade cocoa beans. But the real tip-off is the I have no idea I’m being photographed pose that every Etsy employee is doing in his or her official photo.

But how deep does this go? Are we talking about a visual style, or a much deeper sort of systemic pollution of the Etsy corporate culture? I mean let’s face it, any jackass can throw on a retro striped T-shirt and his Dad’s watch and look like they’re part of something you can’t begin to understand. But the real test is the interview.

So let’s take a look at a recent profile in Graphic Design USA, and see if old Jackfruit pulled this one off.

A fantastic start.

Etsy Haiku
By Randy Jackfruit

Etsy, oh Etsy,
The Chinese resellers
Bloom like peonies

It’s the factories, man, They are harshing my mellow.

Here’s the thing about J. Crew: They are actually a pretty good company. They don’t buy from suppliers that use child labor. They don’t patronize companies that discriminate. Their suppliers must pay a fair wage, and adhere to environmental standards.

So it’s not that they’re a bad company, it’s that they’re a big company. And as you know, large companies are inherently evil, which is why Etsy is staffed by Peace Corps volunteers, and operates out of a repurposed yurt on an organic collective.

You know, if factories are such a bummer on Etsy, maybe they should start with their own back yard.

– Read all about Randy here, because you’re dying to know his mantra

JESUS CHRIST THOSE KARDASHIANS WILL ENDORSE ANYTHING

Yeah, I have a question. Do you have any hats with Starsky AND Hutch?

You know, he really does look a little Kenyan on this T-shirt! Just when you think you know a guy. Where’s the birth certificate, Barry? And maybe you should stop trying to destroy the country.

SARCASM ALERT:
WE DO NOT THINK OBAMA IS KENYAN OR TRYING TO DESTROY THE COUNTRY. THANK YOU

Also SOLD

11/11/09 UPDATE: Seller now insists this is not a misspelling after all.

See, one book is spelled “Rouge”, and the other one is spelled, “Rouge”. So that should clear it up.

12/5/09 UPDATE: Still having some trouble with the name of the book, though this one sounds like it would be more interesting.

Hey there hoarders, it’s Etsy Garage Sale time! Let’s fire up the fuckerymobile and go for a little drive. Here are some sweet garage sale finds available on Etsy right now!

Six half empty bottles of old cologne, right off grandpa’s bureau at the rest home. Convo me for his lower plate.

I already have dead batteries from 1951 and 1953, so this is awesome.

Will you consider trading for a Sanford & Son Thermos?

What a deal! I was thinking about making cookies in August.

Shrek might have lost it! LOL!

Fuck you.

If there’s one thing kids love, it’s old photos of dead bodies rotting in the mud. They go nuts for it. Particularly when there are puppies in the mix. I mean yes, obviously it would have been better if the puppies were also dead, but you can’t have everything.

This is also great to hang in church! What an upllifting message for the congregation. Sometimes innocent people are burned to death because God is bored and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it!

AMEN

UPDATE:

This must be that new Trench Manicure I’ve been hearing about.

That woman who plays the cow is hilarious.

As long as I’m shamelessly promoting myself, I’m on Rob Paulsen’s Talking Toons podcast this week, talking about life as a cartoon voiceover actress, and cursing quite a bit. You may know Rob best from Pinky and the Brain, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Animaniacs, or any of the 950,000 cartoons he’s voiced in the last ten minutes.

You can also hear Rob on this audio track from Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland (all proceeds go to Rob’s favorite charity, The Wounded Warrior Project).

Rob’s podcast is free, and you can listen to it on Rob’s website, or on his iTunes feed.

We talk about everything from crying glitter eagles to the origin of Namaste, Bitches, and I manage to badmouth at least three celebrities who were totally asking for it.

It’s 90 minutes, but it goes by like an hour and a half.

- Click here for more Dr. Seuss Taxidermy by Carl Turner

From: J. S.
Subject: EMERGENCY ASS PILLOW!
Date: February 1, 2012 5:38:29 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.com

My Dad just had some horrifying ass surgery today. Okay, it’s just hemorrhoids, but still.

My family tends to have a rather irreverent approach to things like this, because, well, we’re terrible people. And being terrible people, I’m thinking that my Dad needs something to sit on. Something that will legitimately help him, but also torture and mock him at the same time.

Can the Regretsy crew quickly whip up a functional item that will soothe his ass?

I can go $100 bucks.

- J

I thought this seemed like a pretty good opportunity for someone or other, and to make sure we attracted the best possible idiot for the job, I also threw in $100. I then asked you to post your ideas in the comments of this post, and J.S. would make her selection.

After perusing many polyptastic entries, J.S. awarded the job to Regretsy regular C.J. van Vuuren. C.J. has now delivered her space-themed creation, which got high marks for two puns and a Goatse reference.

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET THIS KIND OF ACTION AT RITE AID

Give our best to your dad’s ass.