I think we all knew that Petja Palooza was going to be special.

But it wasn’t until I actualy saw Petja on the streets of Manhattan last week, that I knew we were talking about a whole other level of Dafuq?

There really are no words to describe what the hell happened last weekend, so instead, I’ll share some of the more tasteful images, and let you draw your own conclusions.

One thing we do need to talk about is the gift bag. This bag had more fuckery per square inch than any bag could reasonably be expected to contain. And we had one for everybody, meaning that every seller who participated donated well over 200 pieces of merchandise for your fat, jelaous pleasure.

Here is a list of people who donated to our swag bags, filling them with everything from handmade jewelry to vibrating naughty things:

The School Locker
Beanie Gee
Music for the Goddess
Naffrodisia
Wendy’s Origami
Epic Blossoms
Blue Cat Books
Ravenshold Creations
Simply Smiss
Xjaeva
Princess Buzzkill’s Crying Glitter Eagle’s Emporium of Whimsy
Bound in Chain
Rainy Day Paperback Exchange
Wylie Elise Beckert
Epic Toy Chest
This Charming Candy
Gabbus
Found Philosophy
Lux Soap
Creative Heart’s Design
Live Clay
Risa Rocks It
Gallardo Works
Misfit Dynamo
Jewel Renee
L and K Beads
Catbird Craft
Nebbish Without a Cause
Lil Gypsy Treasures
Donna The Dead
Extreme Restraints
Diana Voisin
Bloodstream City
Third Half Studios
Arsenal Soap Works

If you contributed to the bag and you are not credited, please let me know

That right there is a list of approved fuckery vendors, so please visit their shops when you’re looking for something wonderful that hasn’t been imported from Bali.

And by the way, we have about 15 extra gift bags, and we’ll be offering those for sale in the next day or so. Proceeds will benefit Bronc’s AIDS Ride, June 3rd – 9th.

Finally, I’d like to thank someone very special for putting this all together.

That’s the heartstoppingly awesome Patrick McNaughton, preparing to give me a lap dance at Lucky Cheng’s.

Patrick is an event designer and Regretsy fan in NYC, and we were able to hire him to coordinate everything for us before we got out there. This poor bastard did everything from choosing the menu to packing up the gift bags and transporting them all to the venue.

By himself.

With no help from us.

Because we suck.

And after all that, he still had time to dance seductively for me while I shook my balloon penis at him. Try getting that kind of action from human resources.

So if you’re looking for an event designer in New York, email this bastard immediately.

Honestly, if I were looking for a full time employee in NYC, I would hire this guy so fast it would give new meaning to New York minute. And you know I’m sincere, because I never say anything good about anyone.

A sincere heartfelt thanks to everyone who contributed to the bags, to Petja’s travel fund and the incredibly wonderful event that was Petja Palooza.

It still gets me, right here.

- Click here to buy Wylie Elise Beckert’s incredible Petja Palooza poster

Earlier today I asked you to tell me which of the following items are real listings on Etsy, and which ones we made up. As always, we have thoroughly enjoyed your guesses, and the tortured logic you’ve used to make your decisions.

Here are your best guesses, and the correct answers.

1. CINDERELLA SHOE

YOUR GUESSES:

“Etsy because April would never leave the time stamp on a picture.”

“Etsy – reeks of desperation. Just surprised there aren’t more stray cat hairs on the towel.”

“If the shoe was Etsy, it would have been made with tampon strings.”

AND THE ANSWER IS…

2. JAR OF RUSTY BOLTS (YOU DON’T GET THE JAR)

YOUR GUESSES:

“Etsy, because you don’t get the jar.”

“If the nuts and bolts aren’t Regretsy, I’m moving to the moon.”

“Has to be Regretsy. They spelled ‘assemblage’ properly.”

AND THE ANSWER IS…

3. ROSEANNE AND DAN EARRINGS

YOUR GUESSES:

“I don’t want to live in a world where Roseanne head earrings aren’t readily available for purchase.”

“Etsy. April is too lazy to make those.”

“Do you think they could make a Sara Gilbert head for a labial piercing? Just asking for a friend.”

AND THE ANSWER IS…

4. DECOUPAGED DETERGENT BOTTLE

YOUR GUESSES:

“Etsy, because the word art at the bottom would take too fucking long.”

“If the High Tide is real that’s enough reason to keep marijuana illegal forever.”

“Regretsy. A true craftard would have covered the cap, too”

AND THE ANSWER IS…

5. CD GARDEN ART

YOUR GUESSES:

“If the CDs are not Regretsy, I may have to spend a whole week in bed, eating ice cream and gently rocking back and forth.”

“I think the CDs are Etsy, because I doubt April has a table that ugly in her house.”

“Please be fake please be fake please be fake.”

AND THE ANSWER IS…

6. CLOTHESPINS IN A TUB

YOUR GUESSES:

“I’m calling this Regretsy – a perfect storm of fake Etsy, it’s just a little too good.”

“Regretsy. If they were Etsy, they’d be at least $12.”

“Clothespins had better be Regretsy because they irritate me just looking at them.”

AND THE ANSWER IS…

Thanks for playing!

Here’s how this works:

At least one of these is a real listing on Etsy. At least one of these was completely invented by us.

The question is, which is the Etsy, and which is the Regretsy?

Make your best guesses in the comments, but don’t cheat (if you do cheat, don’t post spoilers).

Answers will be posted in a few hours.

This is Chad’s Treasury:

As the CEO of Etsy, Chad is a champion of handmade. He and his content team work tirelessly to ensure that every piece they feature is as unique as the special snowflake that created it.

See?

Etsy’s offices are in Brooklyn, but handmade is everywhere! In fact, we saw thousands of handmade robot necklaces in Times Square this weekend.

$2 each, 3 for $5.

He’s just welcoming his new overlords.

The ones based in Singapore.

Too late! I bought it.

I’ve always said Etsy is full of dried-up old pussies.

UPDATE: Brilliance left in the comments by JoshPincusIsCrying

At first I thought these were memorial collages, but the seller says they’re are also for people “who have been away from home a long time.” I don’t know about you, but when I’m away from home for a long time, I call. Sending candids with Jesus sounds like something Adrianne Curry would do on Twitter. OMG, look who I’m here with, LOL! We’re having a blast! Wish you were saved!

Still, I can see why you’d spend $59 to have a picture of you and Jesus. I mean whenever someone says, “Do you know Jesus?” you can say, “Know him? We’re BFFs! Look, here we are the water park!”

My only question is why stop with one? Doesn’t Jesus deserve to be in all your family photos? He did die for you and everything. Least you could do is have him over for burgers every once in a while.

I just bet you all would like to play along, wouldn’t you? Here are a couple of blanks so you can do just that. Feel free to find your own picture of the Man Upstairs if you don’t like the ones we’ve provided.

BLANK 1
BLANK 2

More Things That Look Like Penises:

- Here
- Here
- Here
- Here
- And Here

It’s finally here!

Tonight, over 200 fat jealous losers will converge on a New York Chinese restaurant staffed by drag queens in a cross-cultural celebration of fuckery, Finland and fried rice. And of course, nothing good will come of it.

Bronc and I have been here all week preparing for the big event, and when I say preparing, I mean doing jack shit. The important thing is that we hired someone else to do everything, and that has allowed us to focus on the important business of drinking. So we’ve got that under control.

One of the many delights in store for attendees this evening is a gift bag of majestic proportions. The bag is filled with over 40 insane pieces of fuckery, from Regretsy lollipops to custom sex toys from our friends at Extreme Restraints. As Mark Twain once said, “It wouldn’t be Chinese food without vibrating cock rings!”*

* Might actually be Maya Angelou

And speaking of extreme, look who we had lunch with yesterday!

Yes, our own beloved Petja is here in NYC, fresh from the herring-laden shores of Suomi!

We’re happy to report that New York is just as fascinated by this Finn-stud as we are. In fact, we were only able to walk about half a block before stunned onlookers stopped to take pictures of the Grandmaster Flash of Helsinki, resplendent in red knee socks and walking stick.

And just to make it all that much more exciting, Petja and I spent the afternoon autographing 100 books and 200 postcards for all of you who donated to his travel fund!

Here we are, signing postcards. You can see a stack of them next to me on the table.

I thought it was important to show you photographic proof of this event, because housekeeping managed to throw away all 200 postcards this afternoon. Fortunately, they left the styrofoam cups full of two-day old coffee on the desk, so at least we have that going for us. Look for those on Ebay later this week.

In any case, here are some important pieces of information for those of you coming to Petja Palooza tonight:

• 5:00 PM: The bar opens and the X-rated balloon man arrives. We suggest you bring cash for your drinks so the restaurant doesn’t have to process 200 credit cards.

MAKE SURE YOU BRING YOUR TICKET!

• 6:00 PM: Dinner is served. Insane drag show commences.

• 9:00 PM: Get the fuck out.

I’m told that there is a special treat in the works for one of the FJLs involving a lap dance, but you didn’t hear it from me.

See you tonight!

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Position your dog between your knees and force the gown over her head.
2. The dog will immediately express her anal glands on the skirt and run under the couch.
3. Enjoy your $3,000 Swiffer.

From: Laura
Subject: Press release from Etsy
Date: May 9, 2012 1:40:29 PM EDT

I get tons of press releases in my work as a journalist and thought you might want to see this one. Etsy has been given some lame certification that equates it with Patagonia and Seventh Generation for its rigorous standards of transparency, accountability and performance, and most notably, a certain contribution they make to the people of Brooklyn:

Laura,

- HK

From: Sarah
Date: Sun, May 6, 2012 at 4:39 PM
Subject: Etsy Front Page

The attached picture is from today’s front page:

See that dress in the upper left hand corner? The one that SOLD today after being featured on Etsy’s front page?

Here it is again.

And also here.

Sarah,

- HK