Drinking champagne from a bronze codpiece sounds delicious, but I’m going to wait until after you’ve had your sweaty nutsack in there all day so I get the full blazing effect.

Some of you may know that in addition to doing whatever it is I do over here, I also write a monthly column for Brides.com. Not content to ruin your crafting experience, I also enjoy urinating on your wedding. Click on the photo to go to the column.

Actually, this particular column is a little more sentimental than snarky, but I can’t always be nasty and unpleasant.

Oh wait, yes I can.

Someone’s going to get rich inventing spellcheck for cross stitch.

I don’t think you have more then one made of honor, but I’m going to conversation you right now.

How about this one?

JESUS CHRIST I HATE PEOPLE

If you thought that was defensive, you should have seen his first draft.

Both auctions feature handmade bags by Go Baggery, filled to the brim with all kinds of wonderful, pants-filling fuckery. 100% of the proceeds directly benefit two Etsy sellers in need:

EBAY AUCTION 1

This is a handmade bag in the Atomic Elephant fabric, designed for our Regretsy Spoonflower fabric contest earlier this year.

The bag is crammed full of shit from Comic Con, as well as many other other pieces of delightful fuckery. There is a fantastic photo of Malcom McDowell from A Clockwork Orange, which he personally autographed for me at Comic Con, as well as a signed cast photo from What’s Happening. And you also get a signed Regretsy book, as well as an embroidered pantyliner bookmark from Regretsy superstar HiBird.

This auction benefits Stephanie, of Rainbow Darkness Studios (her Etsy shop is here). Stephanie is a hearing impaired Etsy seller who is trying to get her hearing aids repaired. She initially just asked if we could give her store a shout out, but I thought we could do better.

Click to go to Ebay listing

EBAY AUCTION 2

This is a handmade bag in the Dingleberry fabric, designed for our Regretsy Spoonflower fabric contest earlier this year.

The bag is filled with awesomeness by Regretsy featured artists (like Denny Pinkham) and Regretsy regulars. There are all kinds of things in here, from jewelry to handmade soap, as well as many other articles of fabulousness. There is also a signed Regretsy book inside, and an embroidered pantyliner bookmark from Regretsy superstar HiBird.

Proceeds for this auction benefit Veronica of Ronnie’s Tender Heart (her Etsy shop is here). Veronica is only 22 years old, but she’s battling leukemia for the third time. Her friends have started an Etsy store, hoping to sell enough bracelets to help cover the portion of her medical bills not covered by her insurance. Veronica must be a very special person. She is deeply loved by many people, who are all exhausting themselves to cover as many of these bills as possible

Click to go to Ebay listing

For complete details on contents and participating sellers, please check out the Ebay listings.

Happy bidding!

Gives new meaning to “packing the bowl”.

Jesus Christ. Let’s hope they graded on a curve.

I don’t remember the part in the story where a Vulcan sniffs Celine Dion’s eyeball, but then I haven’t read it in a while.

Because there are so many new people here, I wanted to take a minute to alert you to the weekend and after hours Regretsy activities.

Contrary to popular belief, there is no Regretsy headquarters. Well, there is, but it’s my couch. There is also no staff, unless you count the dogs and my fiance, Bronc Drywall (aka John Foley). John is a 3D animator and Photoshop expert who I occasionally press into service by pouting. He is responsible for many of the Photoshops you see on these pages.

It may not look like it, but this site is actually a lot of work for one person, particularly if that one person is an idiot. So when the weekend comes around, I really need a day off. Only one day, because even though I don’t post on Sunday, I’m already back to work on next week’s posts.

However, I recognize that some of you are addicted, and to be candid, I am addicted to you. That’s why I’m posting this on Sunday. I CAN’T QUIT YOU.

So on the weekends and the evenings, I head over to our Facebook fan page, which is about the most fun you can have online without a web cam. We are rapidly approaching 50,000 fans over there, and many of those people are incredibly funny. Some of them even intentionally.

It’s pretty much the cage match version of Regretsy, and it’s not for the timid. I think of it as 4 Chan with knitting needles. That being said, it’s not your typical “FIRST”, “GAY” and “RETARDED” board. The people there are remarkably intelligent and argue pretty deftly. Even the smackdowns are a thing of beauty.

And to make it all even more magical, fantastic prizes are awarded to every 5,000th fan (here’s what Mr. 40,000 got). In fact, the 40,000th fan was so beloved, that a spontaneous fan page started up for him, and he now has an Etsy and Zazzle store. Go figure.

Now, I’m not promising that you will become a superstar like Yngve Fijermestad. But if you happen to be fan 50,000, there may be an epic prize in your future.

And once you receive it in the mail, we’ll be back to 49,999.

Okay, let’s see.

$400 for the calculator
$8.00 for shipping
$5.70 for insurance
$2.35 for signature confirmation

That comes to …

This might be steampunk.

1. GET YOUR ART ESSAY HERE

2. PAY WITH PAYPAL