Good news, everyone! Thanks to all your incredible responses to my AIDS Ride post, I’m almost at my goal! I continue to be amazed with the way you all come together to support a good cause. I’d have thought you were all too bitter and jealous to do anything nice for others.

But it’s been great. Other than this guy…

…the response has been awesome.

In any case, I’m going to continue trying to reach my $10,000 fundraising goal!

Here’s where we stand:

1. THE SWAG BAGS

Sold out in 5 minutes. Seriously. You guys were all over it. I just dropped them off at the post office, so you’ll be receiving your swag in very short order.

2. DIRECT DONATIONS TO BRONC’S LIFECYCLE PAGE

You can still make a direct donation at the AIDS Lifecycle page. It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s tax-deductible. Donate as much or as little as you like.

And lastly…

3. GET AN AD ON THE REGRETSY MAIN PAGE AND SAVE LARGE PILES OF CASH

The ads are now sold out!

You can still donate, but please don’t donate in expectation of receiving an ad. You’re giving directly to the AIDS Ride, and we can’t refund your gift.

Make your donation here.

As you know, I buy a lot of fuckery. Some of it is terrible, some of it is wonderful and some of it is wonderfully terrible. It doesn’t matter to me, I love it all the same.

People often ask me what my house looks like, and I tell them it’s none of their fucking business.

KIDDING

Here are a few pictures of my office.

The Flounce pillow was made by Rebecca of Creeplings on Etsy. Rebecca has made so many things for charity auctions, and been so generous. She made this pillow for me to use in an auction, and when I saw it I thought, fuck that noise, I’m keeping it.

The poster is from ROFLCON, and was done by Dan Lacey, Painter of Pancakes. I’m on the poster, with pancakes on my head. Just like every Sunday.

The little toys in the back are figures of some cartoon characters I’ve done voices for (Muriel Finster, Cruella De Vil, Baby Herman). And there are some bullshit awards from my many years of diddling myself in advertising.

Flanking my 3D clay portrait by Sharie’s Craftworld, we have two purchases from Regretsy favorites.

On the right, there’s a beautiful paper cut-out portait by Risa Rocksit. And on the left, a Goatse style sampler by Voodoo Maggie, commemorating this moment:

Also pictured are three mugs I use as pencil cups.

The white one was from my old radio show on KFI. The blue cup was available as a winter selection in the ABC online store some years ago. Amidst the snowflakes are the harridans from The View, back when Rosie O’Donnell was part of the 5-way Yenta-fest. I would save this mug in a fire.

The brown specimen is a Goatse cup, artfully stretched and manipulated by by the sick bastards at Patton Pottery.

It’s absolutely stunning, right down to the wedding ring detail. And it’s food safe, so it’s perfect for pudding or creamed corn.

Here are some other treasures on the credenza. Mostly family photos, though there is a stellar shot of me and Martha Plimpton with Judge Judy.

There is also a Clio for some other bullshit advertising thing I did before I came to my senses, and a box of playing cards featuring Fred MacMurray and his wife. A friend found them somewhere and knew I had to have them. They were holiday premium from the Gas Company in the 60′s.

The rock on the right is actually a ceramic piece by AntB. The “rock” opens up and has beautiful glaze inside. I don’t know what it is about it that feels so magical, but I pick it up and look at it every day.

On a bookcase on the other side of the room, I have a collection of cars by Classic Wrecks on Etsy.

These amazing model cars and hand made and detailed to look like rusted old junkers. The detail is incredible. The doors are off, there’s “rust” on the fenders and if you look carefully, you can see that the car in the middle has a tiny “hanger” as an antennae.

At this point you’re thinking I am a woman who has everything, except possibly savings.

And you’re almost right. There’s really only one thing I don’t have that I would give anything to possess.

This is a truck from Stew Leonard’s in Connecticut. It’s basically just a very large grocery store, but they have animatronic displays all over the place, so you see chickens singing in the dairy section and that sort of thing. It’s completely disturbing.

Bronc is from Connecticut, and we’ve gone back a few times for family events. And each time, I beg him to take me to Stew Leonard’s so I can see this truck.

I am not lying when I say that I would drive this thing everywhere. This would be the family car. I’ve never seen it in action, but I harbor a secret wish that the horn makes a mooing sound.

UPDATE: After I first posted this, Classic Wrecks sent me the greatest thing in the history of things.

So, now I have everything.

Oh wait.

Okay, NOW I have everything.

It never occurred to me to sell my vacation snapshots on Etsy, but I think it’s a fantatic idea. I mean, how many people ever get to see the outside of a Louis Vuitton store? Well, I mean unless they go to the mall or something.

Well, I want in on it. So I’m selling pictures of my vacation!

Unfortunately, I haven’t had time for a real vacation, so these are more “staycation” photos. Still totally worth $19.99, though.

We had to fix this outlet. It works now.

Oh, this was funny. I was in the kitchen and I heard this loud bang, and when I looked in the pantry, the Thai peanut salad dressing had just exploded! LOL

Bronc took this picture off the TV a few weeks ago. It’s about some lady who makes her assistants have sex with each other. Also there’s a parrot in it.

Bronc took this. Sometimes I’ll find pictures of his action figures on my camera.

I saw this at the drug store. It seems like it would make a nice gift.

This doesn’t fit him anymore.

We saw this guy on the freeway. I don’t remember why I wanted to take a picture of him.

CONVO FOR DIFFERENT SIZES

A few years ago, I used to lurk on LiveJournal.

LJ has the best possible conditions for cultivating hysteria. Half the users are looking for something to be offended by, and the other half are too stoned to go to work. The combination turns out a magically delicious flavor of drama that never gets stale.

I remember seeing a post by a woman who had an enormous tattoo of a pirate ship on her chest. It was gruesome and gory, with skulls, ravens, bloody swords and naked women, and the design ran down both arms. She also had ear holes you could keep a can of Pepsi in, and so many facial piercings that it looked like she fell into a tackle box.

One afternoon, she posted a breathless, angry diatribe about something that happened at the supermarket. Apparently she was wearing a bikini top to go food shopping – as you do – and was putting milk in her cart when she noticed a middle aged man in a suit looking at her. He didn’t say anything, he wasn’t leering or rolling his eyes, he was just… looking.

She picked up a container of milk and shouted, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” Then she threw it at him, and chased him out of the store, screaming at the top of her lungs. Which as you know, is an excellent way to avoid calling attention to yourself.

I didn’t understand her reaction then, and I still don’t get it. Don’t you want people to look at you? Isn’t being a little bit shocking at least part of the point? If you’re doing everything you possibly can to stand out, why would you be angry when people notice? Or did you split your tongue to keep a low profile?

Still, everything I’ve read would indicate that staring at someone with tattooed eyeballs is considered rude. Even though you did it to yourself, and you clearly want people to notice what you’ve done, we’re not supposed to look, or make any kind of face. Well, unless we approve. I guess if I also have horns surgically implanted in my skull and we happen to see each other at Trader Joes, we can do that nod thing that people do when they both drive the same car.

But otherwise, just keep looking straight ahead, asshole. The fact that I have wind chimes hanging from my ballsack is none of your concern.

THAT’S A LOT OF MONEY FOR SOMETHING YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO USE ONCE

NSFW BONUS: Before and after vaginal rejuvenation gallery

DON’T CLICK IT I’M SERIOUS

No, I’m kidding, it’s actually here

Some of you may know that I’ll be doing the AIDS Ride this year. What that means is that in two weeks time I’ll be schlepping my sorry ass up to the SF Bay Area, then riding my bike back down to Los Angeles. I’ll be undertaking this journey with about 2,000 other riders, all raising money to help in the battle against AIDS/HIV.

I’m trying to raise $10,000 for this ride, and I’m about halfway there. I have about 2 weeks left to raise the rest, and I’m hoping you can help me get a little closer.

Here’s how you can help:

1. BUY A PETJA PALOOZA SWAG BAG

We have a very limited number of bags left over from the meet up in New York last week, and we have put them up for sale in our WePay store. We’ll donate the proceeds from these bags to AIDS Lifecycle.

These bastards are filled with a metric assload of great items:

Priced at $30.00, but you’ll swear you were getting $32.50 worth of value!

Just look at all that amazing swag. Don’t you want a Regretsy fortune cookie and a vibrator? Of course you do! Stop being weird.

- Click here to buy a swag bag from our WePay store

2. MAKE A DIRECT DONATION TO BRONC’S LIFECYCLE PAGE

You can make a direct donation at the AIDS Lifecycle page. It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s tax-deductible. Donate as much or as little as you like.

Which brings me to…

3. GET AN AD ON THE REGRETSY MAIN PAGE AND SAVE LARGE PILES OF CASH

Make a donation of $100 or $200 to Bronc’s Lifecycle page, and in return we’ll give you one of these ads on the Regretsy main page for two whole weeks!

That’s some serious exposure, right there. And since you’re donating directly to the AIDS Ride, it’s tax-deductible gift. Plus you’ll be doing a good thing for a lot of people. Who can resist?

Make your donation here.

Check the amount you’d like to donate, and in the message box write “I’d like a Regretsy ad.”

Then just e-mail me, and we’ll make the final arrangements.

Please note, we can only offer a small number of these ads due to limited space, so order early!

Regretsy Theatre: LADY ROTHERWICK’S CORNBURY STAG PARK CUFF

As you may know, one of my very favorite topics around here is the feeding frenzy that kicks in on Etsy whenever someone of note dies. I call it, TragiCrafting™.

But let’s be clear about one thing: TragiCrafting™ is not fueled by the desire to make a buck off a dead celebrity. That would be so very cynical and wrong, and not at all steampunk and upcycled and covered with mass produced octopus pendants.

No, TragiCrafting™ is different. TragiCrafting™ is all about healing.

It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Yes. Yes, it is.

And yet, TragiCrafters™ can be so very fickle. They’ll tag a cake dish with “Steve Jobs” faster than you can download another iTunes update, but Thomas Kinkade dies and no one even plugs in their glue gun. And only one person bothered to put together a treasury for George “Goober” Lindsay.

So when Donna Summer hustled off her mortal coil, I didn’t know what to expect. Would the sensitive crafters of Etsy come through? Or would we keep refreshing this page to no avail?

Well, I’m sad to say that the TragiCrafting™ I’ve been hoping for on this one has not materialized, aside from the obligatory shitty plastic wall clocks with unlicensed photos:

It’s not much, but the important thing is, CRAFTERS BE GETTING THEIR HEALING ON

BONUS: It’s hard to believe that someone actually used “Last Dance” as the name of a treasury, but God love them, they are made of stronger stuff than I am.

Extra points for the inclusion of Doc Martens, which as you know, were a staple of Donna Summer’s wardrobe in the ’70s.

ROCK ON

SUPER BONUS: TRAGI-TAGGING: This is the act of taking a completely unrelated piece of crap that’s been mouldering in your Etsy store for months, and finding some pathetic connection to the recently deceased.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, HOT STUFF

BEEP BEEP

More Tragicrafting™:

- Amy Winehouse
- Davy Jones
- Steve Jobs
- Whitney Houston
- Dick Clark

I’m putting this right next to my Thomas Kinkade.

I think we all knew that Petja Palooza was going to be special.

But it wasn’t until I actualy saw Petja on the streets of Manhattan last week, that I knew we were talking about a whole other level of Dafuq?

There really are no words to describe what the hell happened last weekend, so instead, I’ll share some of the more tasteful images, and let you draw your own conclusions.

One thing we do need to talk about is the gift bag. This bag had more fuckery per square inch than any bag could reasonably be expected to contain. And we had one for everybody, meaning that every seller who participated donated well over 200 pieces of merchandise for your fat, jelaous pleasure.

Here is a list of people who donated to our swag bags, filling them with everything from handmade jewelry to vibrating naughty things:

The School Locker
Beanie Gee
Music for the Goddess
Naffrodisia
Wendy’s Origami
Epic Blossoms
Blue Cat Books
Ravenshold Creations
Simply Smiss
Xjaeva
Princess Buzzkill’s Crying Glitter Eagle’s Emporium of Whimsy
Bound in Chain
Rainy Day Paperback Exchange
Wylie Elise Beckert
Epic Toy Chest
This Charming Candy
Gabbus
Found Philosophy
Lux Soap
Creative Heart’s Design
Live Clay
Risa Rocks It
Gallardo Works
Misfit Dynamo
Jewel Renee
L and K Beads
Catbird Craft
Nebbish Without a Cause
Lil Gypsy Treasures
Donna The Dead
Extreme Restraints
Diana Voisin
Bloodstream City
Third Half Studios
Arsenal Soap Works

If you contributed to the bag and you are not credited, please let me know

That right there is a list of approved fuckery vendors, so please visit their shops when you’re looking for something wonderful that hasn’t been imported from Bali.

And by the way, we have about 15 extra gift bags, and we’ll be offering those for sale in the next day or so. Proceeds will benefit Bronc’s AIDS Ride, June 3rd – 9th.

Finally, I’d like to thank someone very special for putting this all together.

That’s the heartstoppingly awesome Patrick McNaughton, preparing to give me a lap dance at Lucky Cheng’s.

Patrick is an event designer and Regretsy fan in NYC, and we were able to hire him to coordinate everything for us before we got out there. This poor bastard did everything from choosing the menu to packing up the gift bags and transporting them all to the venue.

By himself.

With no help from us.

Because we suck.

And after all that, he still had time to dance seductively for me while I shook my balloon penis at him. Try getting that kind of action from human resources.

So if you’re looking for an event designer in New York, email this bastard immediately.

Honestly, if I were looking for a full time employee in NYC, I would hire this guy so fast it would give new meaning to New York minute. And you know I’m sincere, because I never say anything good about anyone.

A sincere heartfelt thanks to everyone who contributed to the bags, to Petja’s travel fund and the incredibly wonderful event that was Petja Palooza.

It still gets me, right here.

- Click here to buy Wylie Elise Beckert’s incredible Petja Palooza poster