I’m so feeble at times, LORD, and I feel that I embarrass so much. You’re so big and so mighty, why don’t I have faith in You like the children do?  I’ve seen Your works yet I doubt You so often. 

Please forgive me of my shortcomings; forgive me of my doubt and mumbling; forgive me of my impatience toward others and the lack of love I show them when You pour Your love on my without hesitation.

You’re an Awesome Wonder.  You’re welcome into my life, into my heart, into my soul.  Guide me the way I need to go and please don’t give up on me, LORD. 

I need You. You’ve known that but apparently I’m just realizing it…again. No, that’s not true, LORD, I’ve known it. I don’t know why I’m feeling so, blah. Please help me to stop trying to be You as far as punishing myself for falling short. I believe that You’re loving and forgiving and I think that’s why I feel so horrible when I miss the mark. Maybe I’m trying too hard and missing the vitals of being Your child.

Thank You for the patience You’ve shown me. Thanks for talking to me via the numerous ways that You do.  I always feel loved with You, that’s for sure.  Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.  Don’t cast me away from Your presence and don’t take Your Holy Spirit from me either.  I believe that I can do this with You.  I believe I can be holy even as You are holy.  Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with Your free spirit.

That’s basically it, God, create in me a clean heart.  I’m not asking for money, or fame, or wealth, even; just give me a clean heart so I can follow You, unwavering.  I’m tired of the roller coaster because it seems that my lows are getting too low, and I know that that’s a personality trait of melancholies, so I need You for balance.

I love You, LORD, I do. I believe in You and what You can do, too; please help my unbelief.  I’m not worthy of any of my blessings, not even life, yet You…  

If you haven’t tried out Hymnsite.com you have to check it out.  You can find whatever hymn you’re looking for and the tune will play for you, as well.  Fantastic!

Make me a captive, Lord, and then I shall be free.  force me to render up my sword, and I shall conqueror be.  I sink in life’s alarms when by myself I stand; imprison me within thine arms, and strong shall be my hand.

My heart is weak and poor until it master find; it has no spring of action sure, it varies with the wind.  It cannot freely move till thou hast wrought its chain; enslave it with thy matchless love, and deathless it shall reign.

My power is faint and low till I have learned to serve; it lacks the needed fire to glow, it lacks the breeze to nerve.  It cannot drive the world until itself be driven; its flag can only be unfurled when thou shalt breathe from heaven.

My will is not my own till thou hast made it thine; if it would reach a monarch’s throne, it must its crown resign. It only stands unbent amid the clashing strife, when on they bosom it has leant, and found in thee its life.

Make Me A Captive, Lord

George Matheson, 1842-1906 & George J. Elvey 1816-1893

Don’t even try it.  You lie.  Whether it’s to someone else or to yourself – YOU LIE.

I’ve been thinking about that quite a bit since listening to Talking To Tasha this past Wednesday night.  We were talking about Down Low (DL) dudes and how they are helping facilitate the AIDS epidemic among women, and we mentioned why women don’t just ask, “Hey, honey, do you have sex with other men as well?”  Granted, I don’t think anyone wants to have that conversation, although, these days we definitely should.

Here’s my thing though.  We lie!  With all the mantras of “keeping it real” and “I’m grown” and “Independent Women” and “I’m Holy Spirit filled” and whatever else we say that denotes I’m honest and don’t have to lie, we still do.

Back In the Day

I think about the men that I met through the years that were married and tried to kick it with me.  My response was always: “I don’t do, Daddies,” a category that mainly described married and/or “bi” men.  If I wasn’t going to involve a woman into my chaotic alternative life (as I called it then), why would I allow someone else to? Or make them think it was okay?  Of course, back then, I didn’t even know the statistics of black women contracting the disease.  I just tried to keep foolishness to a minimum.

Yet, I’ve been guilty about lying or hiding other aspects of my life; whether it’s to get what I want or to give people the perception I want them to have of me.  It’s all very draining. 

So why do it?  Why lie?  If you are a grown ass man, taking care of yourself, and the only person you have to answer to is God, then why lie to a woman if she is brave enough to ask you if you get down with dudes?  Why lie about your HIV status if someone is concerned enough about their health to ask you about yours?  Why lie & cheat when you can just tell your husband/boyfriend that you want to see other people?  Why tell a child Santa Clause is real when you know he isn’t (I know that’s random)?

My point is, lying destroys people more than the truth.  

News Flash: {whispers} You’re not protecting anyone.

The Bible records Jesus saying, “The truth will set you free.”  And that truth, sometimes, has to be told to you by you.

Don’t be fool enough to think that people are going to keep it real, because they are afraid just like you are – afraid of losing love, afraid of being ridiculed, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of rejection, afraid of success, afraid of the dark, afraid of being honest, and the the list goes on.  So why lie to yourself saying, “What I don’t know won’t hurt me,” or even “I can take whatever’s dished.”  Chances are it will hurt you and you can’t take it.

I just want you to be wise.  Actually be the smart individual that you portray yourself to be.  Actually live the integrity that you say you have.   Don’t tell yourself that you can spot someone that is diseased or that you can spot a Gay a mile away.  If others lie, connive, manipulate and omit the way you do. ..enough said.

Get tested. Be honest. Keep praying.

I’m not even crying anymore…I have been on this message about HIV/AIDS for so long…stuck my head in the wolves’ mouth and pulled it out without a hair missing so many times…I’m not crying, I’m lit, like I was on that goody…to tell the community, black girls, black boys, white girls, white boys, asian, Indian, Hollywood, holy folks, the church anyone who hath an ear…HIV is real…

Get Your Abstinence On!

-tazzy1

On The Radio

Natasha was giving her listeners the old one-two-SNAP.  It was geared toward down-low black men, or MSMs (men who sex men) and the women whose lives they are tearing apart.  She had something to say to rappers that promote the foolishness of IT-girls being the ones with small waists, big rumps, supple breasts and the pole dancing skills of a Cirque du Soleil acrobat.  She didn’t leave BET out of the thrashing either considering it allows the foolishness to be promoted.  And, yes, in case you were wondering she had a little something for Congress as well.  It’s time to stop asking “What role does the government have in the AIDS epidemic?”  As Natasha blasted on facebook: “the gova who…if we don’t raise hell they won’t raise a finger…”

Well you know I had to call in. It was too good to pass up.  And I don’t know how much I added to the show, but she asked me something along the lines of what I thought black women should do to protect themselves.

I frankly told her that I think they should be willing to ask the pointed questions.

My response really made me think.  We as a people, you and I, are often afraid to ask the pointed questions to others, and most importantly to ourselves.  “We’ve taken ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ too far,” Natasha commented.  Indeed we have.

On Facebook and Twitter

So I’m awake blowing up facebook and twitter.  I even went so far as to tweet one of my favorite models, @evamarcille, this little diddy: “pose this question to your girls…before U engage in relations do you ask a man if he has sex with men?”  Will I get a response?  I dunno.  But I felt that I had to spread the word.

I mean, we’re living in a day and time that we are so connected to each other yet so disconnected.  That was one of the things we talked about on Talking To Tasha.  What happened to the camaraderie; the feeling of responsibility for each other?  It is best summed up by the words of Jesus: “…the love of many will grow cold…”

All these facebook friends and twitter followers and blah, blah, blah.  We have no sense of accountability toward each other besides updating our status so that the billions of people around the world can know that I just got off the toilet.  Really?

Out of Control

I guess I’m just a little frazzled tonight.

How about you?

Is any of this making you wonder if you’re doing something worthwhile?  Are you using your voice to make a difference?  Are you using the opportunities that you have to make a change?  Are you using the privileges that you have to do something besides scratch your butt and sniff?  I’m just saying.

This video–> Out of Control: The AIDS Epidemic in Black America is the truth.  I keep getting interrupted while I’m watching it, but what I’ve seen is, whew, eye opening.

Am I going to become the next spokesperson for AIDS? I dunno?  Maybe.  I just know that I’m feeling a little duped.  Duped because, like an ostrich, I’ve gotten frightened by life and I’ve had my head in the sand.

Okay…

My favorite line in The Devil Wears Prada is when Nigel is talking to Andy about her lackadaisical work ethic at the magazine and why Miranda isn’t giving her the props she feels she deserves.  He says, “Wake up, SIX,” snapping her into the reality that she wasn’t doing all that she could to succeed.  I’ve been quoting that for about a month now to myself when I open my eyes to a situation be it spiritual, at work, or anything.

Hey, you. Yes, you. Wake up, Six!

There’s an elephant in the room and it is causing major damage. Call it out the next time you have a chance.  Don’t be afraid to ask the pointed questions.  Don’t be afraid of the responses.  The dialogue needs to happen.  Your life may depend on it.

Clear the minds of Jasmene Rhem and Kayla Rike as they plan and seek Your will for what You would have them create as far as a website. You already know that Jasmene’s is going to be geared toward her ministry, Transforming Former Minds, that she does with her husband, Ranger Rhem. Kayla’s is going to be a prayer based site.

You have to give them the wisdom and tenacity needed to accomplish their goals, Father. Give them the support team that they need. Keep their husbands fortified to encourage the ladies to keep pushing on. Keep them ever before Your face seeking Your guidance. Go before them and prepare the hearts and minds of the readers that will come across their sites. Coat the sites with Your spirit.

I’m geeked, LORD! Continue working with Natasha David-Walker and her two sites, Talking To Tasha & Sex and the Saints. She’s holding on and it seems that she’s gotten a stride going. I believe her show is every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night now instead of everyday. Help her keep her busy life with her husband and the children mangaged so that neither her ministry as a wife, mother, talk show host, or author suffers. Balance, Father. Balance.

Thank You for all that You do, LORD.

You know Brian has found a house that he wants that fits in his price range.  It’s great.  I like it.  Quaint. In a quiet neighborhood. Nice paint colors.  Sizeable backyard. 

Here’s the thing, Father: We need You to make sure that there are no hiccups before or during his closing.  You know how the banks are and they’ve asked him for just about everything besides a piss test and a blood sample. 

He’s been diligent in looking and staying within his budget.  He’s kept a positive attitude.  But You know how fragile his esteem is and I feel that it will be a great boost to his confidence to gain such a valuable asset. 

Only You know if that’s true or not.  Only You know if this is the best thing for him.  So search Your infinite knowledge, LORD, and find the compassion in Your heart to grant one of Your wandering lambs a home.  Forgive me if I’m being a bit pushy, or maybe stepping out of bounds, yet Father, I would feel like a loser if I didn’t come on Brian’s behalf to ask You for this house for him.  He’s had a hard knock life.  You know!

You promised us shelter, food and clothing, right?  Well, there You go, LORD.  Show us Your glory and Your mighty provisions. Please.
Oh and Father, please bless him with a better job making at least $3 more than what he’s making now. I know You can do it, LORD. Something that fits his qualifications. Something he’ll enjoy.

Open Your word and Your ways to him so that he can take care of his girls the best way possible.  Strengthen the bond between him and his wife, Tammy.  Teach him to be the role model that his daughters, Tristyn, Ronnica, and Jayda need.  Make him the apple of their eyes.  Fill him with so much of You that all they see is Your glory beaming from him.

Let him be the only earthly man they are connected to until You provide them with suitable mates.  Keep them as Daddy’s Little Girls.  Show him how to love unconditionally and to be there for them even when he doesn’t agree with their choices.  Show him how to forgive when his wife doesn’t always agree with his direction.  Be the tie that binds his family together.

Incline Your ear to him when he humbles himself in prayer seeking Your face.  Whisper Your commands to him in that still small voice that we’ve come to love and yearn for.  He thirsts for You, LORD, and he requested prayer because he knows that You are the Promise Keeper.  Remind him that You and You alone are God and there is none like You. 

Send angels to encamp around his home and each individual in his family.  Let his influence be felt in the surrounding community so that it will know that his house has chosen to serve You.  Keep a song in his heart, Father, because a cheerful heart does good like a medicine. 

Forgive Reggie, Tammy and their girls for their sins, LORD, because against You only have they sinned.  Whatever else You need to throw in there, Father - for good measure - so be it, according to Your will. amen.

It’s simple, Father, please grant her healing.  I tried to look it up and figure out what it was…as long as you know.  Apparently it is contagious, too, LORD, because her concern was that it doesn’t spread through the campus.  

Hold out Your hand with its power and stay the virus, Father, and save lives.  I know there is a lot done there that You may not like, but I also know that You are a gracious God sprinkling love, truth, mercy, patience, longsuffering, and peace in Your justice.  Please don’t punish thousands for the sins of hundreds.

Take this opportunity, LORD, to encourage the missionaries that are there to humble themselves and pray for the health of the people; to join forces with the Infinite One in obtaining mercy for Your creations.  Thanks, Father.