Laughter is the best medicine

Satan in the Church

2010-04-07T03:44:00.001-07:00

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid? asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS

2010-04-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and arethings people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and nowpublished by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place...
____________ _________ _________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ ____________ _

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our
government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

Computer Repair

2010-03-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm??..Oh really?...I will send a picture.

Scroll down?. . . .

Big People Words

2010-03-22T04:06:00.000-07:00

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my 'Nana'," said Chris.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" said the teacher.
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo," said Mitchell.
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Assorted Jokes 20 March 2010

2010-03-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

And while we are at it, here's more for our presidentiables:

Villar: Tondo Boy

Noynoy: Mama's Boy

Gibo: Lover Boy

Erap: Kanto Boy

Gordon: AmBoy

Eddie: Altar Boy

Presidentiable Joke:

Villar: "Sipag at Tiyaga"

Gibo: "Galing at Talino"

Noynoy: "Villar, baka C5 at Tiyaga"

Villar: "Noynoy, Mama at Papa"

Santino: "'wag na tayong mag-away away baka magalit si Bro"

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ***
> > >Pacquiao Joke:

Aling D: anak pag nanganak ulit c jinkey ee isama mo ung pangalan nating tatlo
Manny: huh?? may naisip kana ba inay??
Aling D: uu naman
Manny: ano?
AlingD: e di DioManJi

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
Erap Jokes:

Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum,kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.

˜Ah ako, Enfalac, â€˜yun ang mahal, eh,sagot ni Cory.

Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino,sabi ni Ramos.

Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon? tanong ng tatlo. Ano yata Lactacyd.

Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.

Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.

Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?

Yes,â€™ mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, Ahh, is London Bridge falling down?

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
GMA Jokes:

Dear God, so far this year youâ€™ve taken my favorite singer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and
my favorite actress Farah Fawcett. Just to let you know my favorite politician is Ate Gloria po.

Tanong: Ano ang kaibahan ng FAIRY TALE sa STATE OF THE NATION ADDRESS?
Sagot: Ang Fairy Tale ay kwentong di totoo na may dwende. Ang SONA ay may dwende na nagkukuwento ng di totoo!

President Barack Obama finally calls up MalacaÃ±ang:
OBAMA: May i speak with that small but great Filipina who is the pride of all Filipinos?
GMA: (kinilig) Yes? How are you, Mr President?
OBAMA: Congratulations, Charice! That was a great performance you gave at my inauguration!

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
Gibo Joke:

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang SM?
A. Kasi si Gibo he's got it all!

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang Metrobank?
A. Kasi you're in good hands with Gibo

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang Globe?
A. Kasi abot mo ang mundo with Gibo

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang Smart?
A. Kasi heâ€™s Simply Amazing!

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang PLDT?
A. Kasi he's touching lives

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Manila Bulletin?
A. Kasi pag siya naging President, there's good news here

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Inquirer?
A. Kasi meron siyang Fearless Views

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Nokia?
A. Kasi he's connecting people

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Samsung?
A. Kasi he's like no other

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy ng Afghanistan

10 Commandments of Marriage

2010-03-19T09:18:00.001-07:00

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife
treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy sa Afghanistan

What starts with F and ends with K

2010-03-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st
grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the
3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy sa Afghanistan

Assorted Jokes 19March2010

2010-03-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

Honeymoon...
BRIDE: Gikulbaan jud ko Hon. Mora'g di jud nako makaya ang imoha. Hadlok man ko kaayo uy.
GROOM- Kaya ni nimo Hon. Di ba kaniadto may alaga kang Halas?
BRIDE- Oo pero hadlok jud ko sa ulod!!!

JUDGE: ERAP, unsa man juy nahitabo?
ERAP: ??? (way tingog)
JUDGE: Tubaga akong pangutana.
ERAP: Uy Judge abi nako'g hearing lang ni??? Nganong naa may speaking?

Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy?
Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!

NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class

TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.

AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay. (nilabas niInday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!) NOSEBLEED!!

Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako.
Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tunay na ama! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!

A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!

Magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!

GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!

DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy sa Afghanistan

Left Over Erap Jokes

2010-03-19T04:01:00.000-07:00

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
disclaimer: for erap supporters, with these jokes, i'm not implying anything serious about erap. these are exaggerations and not factual. pinoys just love erap jokes in particular. for balance, i promise to look for gibo jokes, too since he is my fave. maybe noynoy, manny as well as gma jokes.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *
here goes:

FVR: Sorry I'm late! brownout! na stuck sa elevator for 1 hr
ERAP: Wala yan ako 3 hrs sa escalator

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Erap at a California Pizza kitchen
Erap: Waiter, ano bang specialty niyo?
Waiter: Sir we have a wide range of pizza
Erap: A ganun ba?..Isang Shakeys special nga!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

ERAP ON SOPDRINKS
Tanong: Ilan litres meron ang Coke 2000?
Erap: Apat!
Tanong: Ha????
Erap: LITRE C, LITRE O, LITRE K, LITRE E!! 'anga!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

People say...

Alfredo Lim is half-Filipino, half-Chinese.
Manoling Morato is half-Filipino, half-Filipina.
Erap is half-Filipino, half-Alcohol.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

First thing Erap will change is the name of Malacanang Palace to White Castle.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

During a press conference on morality...
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

One day many years ago, Erap's wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?" Erap asked.

The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why."
"Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.
"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.
"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Erap was trying to get in touch with his son, Jinggoy, so he decided to page him.
He dialled '141 - 777777' and an operator answered, " Hello, pager number 777777, sender's name please..."
Erap answered " Ahh... ERAP."
The operator continued, " Message please."
Erap said, " Ahhh... Jinggoy, this is your father. Your beeper is with me."

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy sa Afghanistan

Recycled GMA Jokes

2010-03-19T03:54:00.000-07:00

This one was inspired by Susan Roces' impassioned speech rejecting Arroyo’s insincere "I am sorry." Susan said, "Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw".

The joke:
Ipa-annul na nina GMA at Mike Arroyo ang kanilang kasal. Kasi magkapatid pala sila!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***
Next came from political analyst Billy Esposo when it was reported that Arroyo’s official visit to Saudi Arabia was cancelled last September. Malacañang’s lame explanation for the cancellation was the King was in the province and won’t be in Riyadh to receive Arroyo.

The joke:
Ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit na-cancel ang official visit ni Arroyo sa Saudi ay dahil sa Saudi, ang sinungaling ay pinuputulan ng dila, ang magnanakaw at pinuputulan ng kamay, at ang masama ang balak at pinuputulan ng ulo. Kapag pumunta siya doon, wala ng matitira sa kanya.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***
The next one is inspired by Arroyo’s countless lies.

The joke:
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man,
"Whose clock is that?" "That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible, " said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where’s Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s clock?" asked the man. St Peter replied, "The Philippine President’s’ clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *
Place: Gate of Heaven, San Pedro was entertaining souls of newly-dead people.

Soul 1: Good morning po San Pedro. Andyan po ba name ko?
San Pedro: Good morning FPJ, ayon dito sa Aklat ng Buhay, me mga nagawa
kang mga kasalanan. Pero dahil maliliit lang naman, pwede ko na
ikaw papasukin, reward ko na sa iyo dahil mapagparaya ka.
GMA : Good morning po San Pedro, andyan po ba name ko?
San Pedro : Binuklat ang aklat ng buhay, saka sinabing, "Wala ang pangalan
mo dito"
GMA : Baka po hindi mo lang nakita?"paki- check po ulit.
San Pedro : Iha, wala talaga, sorry.
Galit na galit si GMA, kinuha sa bulsa ang cellphone niya, nagpunta sa isang sulok saka tumawag:
GMA : Hello Garci!!, di sabi ko sa iyo ayusin mo ang record ko dito sa taas!!
Bakit wala name ko dito? Ha? Asan ka kamo?
Kasama ka ni Lucifer?
Garci: Opo, mam. Hinihintay ka rin po dito.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
GMA to Garci: Hello Garci, Pasahan mo naman ako ng load, este, vote.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
Q: What is GMA’s secret business in the last elections?
A: Pasa-vote.
Q:Why can’t GMA come out and say "I’m not the ‘ma’am’ in the tape?"
A: She doesn’t want to lie!

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy sa Afghanistan

Ngano ang parents lisod sabton?

2010-03-17T22:39:00.001-07:00

Sa una Pakatulgon ta,
bsag da ta katulgon.
Unya kron Pukawon ta bsag
Katulgon pa ta!

Sa una Tudloan ta og Lakaw,
kron kasab-an ta
kay kusog na mo Lakaw!

Sa una tudloan ta og sulti,
kron tamparuson na kay
kusog na mo tubag!!

Unsa na sila , ADIK? hahai!

Irish Viagra

2010-03-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'..... .It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into
his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately
on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to
show me face in Starbucks again!'

Contributed by kapitan abner . . .

What's your order sir?

2010-03-14T06:02:00.001-07:00

Who's In charge?

2010-03-11T02:25:00.000-08:00

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge.

Retirement

2010-03-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

The two little old ladies had been long-time close friends but, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caregivers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

"Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it," said Mrs. Murphy.

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

"For sure it's a blessing!" said Mrs.Murphy. "I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."

"And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?" asked Mrs. Cohen.

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

"Good for you! So what do you do?" asked Mrs. Cohen.

"We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

"Yes? And then....?" the curious Mrs. Cohen asked.

"Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we screw."

Airport Customs

2010-03-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.
"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.
The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Pinoy Jokes 070310

2010-03-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

ANO SA ENGLISH ITO?

Ang English ng nagpakamatay, Suicide.

Namatay sa bahay, Homicide.

Namatay dahil sa daga, Pesticide.

Namatay na magkatabi, Sidebyside.

Namatay habang nakikipagtalik, Insexticide.

NIPPONGGO TO TAGALOG TRANSLATION DAW?

Is this your car? - Otomoto

Is this my car? - Otokoto

Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto

This is my desk - Itodesko

Speechless? - Wasabe

I have a lot of things to do - Hironaka

Old lady? - Kurukurubot

A blind man who has been cured - Nakakita

A man listening to a Walkman/Diskman - Nakasone

Katulong (DH) - Otosang

Mahirap - Nakamura

Mayaman - Nakaguchi

Komiks - Wakasang

Tricycle - Tatrogurung

Pangit - Kamukamo

Maganda - Kamukako

Cigarette Factory - Yosigawa

Tamad - Yokogawa

Makati ang ulo - Mekoto

Virgin Sarakeke

Hindi Virgin - Wasakeke

Makati ang kilikili - Mebarakubakirikiri

Makati ang puke - Kekekomekoto

Pinoy Jokes 060310

2010-03-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

Isang gabi habang nanonood ako
tumabi sakin ang lola ko..

ang haba ng buhok itim na itim ng
damit parang malungkot at may
hawak na kutsilyo

kinabahan ako..

nagsalita siya..

sabi niya..

"apo, bagay ba sa akin ang EMO?"
====

Advice from dentist:

Treat your BF/GF like a toothbrush

Dont let anybody use it..

And change it every month...


====

Bakit ganun.. sa kama na lang ba lagi ang role
ko sa buhay mo.. each time na pagod ka im always
here para painitin ang malalamig mong gabi..

Hindi ba ako pedeng idisplay sa mga tao? kahit
minsan lang?


- Kumot(nagdradrama gustong maging Kurtina)

====

Lolo:Laro tayo.
Lola:ano?
Lolo:Kahit ano wag lang taguan
Lola:bakit naman?
Lola: because a girl like you is impossible to find

lupit ni lolo

====

Anak: nay galing ng titser ko.
Nay: bakit namn?
Anak: tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal
Lola: e d marunong ka ng gumalang at mag-PO at OPO?
Anak:Natural! tanga ka Ba? hmmp...

====

An ambitious NURSE INTERN in a tertiary hospital
dialled canteen
and shouted: " get me a cup of coffee quickly!!!"

The voice from the other line said" "You fool!!!
youve dialled
the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?
im the Chief nurse of this hospital, you idiot!!"

The intern shouted back " and you know who
are talking to you bitch?"

Chief Nurse: No!

Intern: Thank God!(hung up)

====

Bulag at duling magsusuntukan!!
Bulag: hayop ka duling!! lumabas ka dyan.. wag kang
magtago sa dilim!!
Duling: in your dreams!!! bakit ako lalabas eh
dalawa kayo!!!

====

Teacher: Lahat ng tanga dito sa klase tumayo

may isang batang tumayo

Teacher: bakit tanga ka ba?

bata: eh sir.. naaawa lang po ako sa inyo kasi
mayisa lang kayong nakatayo kaya sasamahan ko na lang
kayo para dalawa tayong tanga..

====

Titser: use "anyhow" en "anyone" in a sentence..

Pacman: hoy Pidro!! bakit mo kinain ang "anyhow" na manok
na "anyone" ko dyan sa mesa para kay Jengkeh

====

Maid: mam si junjun nakalulon ng ipis!
Mam: ha nsaan si junjun
Maid: tulog po mam. pinainum ko agad ng Baygon!!
patay na siguro yung ipis

I've Got GMail

2010-03-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Budol budol

2010-03-04T05:54:00.000-08:00

Juan: Pedro ingat kayo!
Pedro: Bakit?
Juan: Kasi uso pala sa Metro Manila ang budol budol!
Juan: alam mo yung matandang dalagang accountant namin sa opis nadale! Pedro: Naku!
Juan:Paglabas ng bank natangay yung paseldo at 13th month ng opis namin pati yung puri ng pobreng matanda sa motel!
Pedro:Eh, ano ginawa nyo! Juan: Eh di sinamahan namin sa Police yung pobreng matanda! Eh! iyak nga ng iyak!!!!!
Pedro:Naku ,eh talagang iiyak yung pobreng matanda! kawawa naman!
Pedro: anong sabi sa Pulis! nung pobreng matanda nakilala ba yung dumale!!!
Juan:OO, merong bigote ,mistisuhin at mataas ,nanghihinayang daw sya! Pedro:oo,kasi malaking pera yun ah!
Juan:hindi yung Pera!!!!
Pedro: eh,saan
Juan:Hindi nya raw na ibigay yung address nya at telephone no.,sana raw maulit uli tuwing x-mas

Zorro and Dacos

2010-03-04T05:44:00.000-08:00

Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula , gusto ko , ako si
ZORRO!
Misis: E ako , sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino ' yun?
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

High Blood

2010-03-04T05:42:00.000-08:00

Si Don Abner nag pa checkup sa doctor kasi high blood siya. Sinabi ng Doctor na wag na siyang kakain ng matataba tulad ng baboy at balat ng manok. Dapat kumain na lang siya ng mga lumalangoy tulad ng isda.

Pagkatapos ng isang buwan bumisita ang Doctor kay Don Abner. Tinanong ng Doctor sa katulong kung nasaan si Don Abner. Sinabi ng katulong na nasa swimming pool si Don Abner. Sabi ng Doctor: “ah nag eehersisyo sa paglangoy si Don Abner”. Katulong: “Hindi po, tinuturuan yung baboy na lumangoy”

Ngongo and Wife

2010-03-04T03:03:00.000-08:00

NGONGO: Muk'a mo mapute!

WIFE: Di naman, ah.

NGONGO: Muk'a mo mapute!

WIFE: Di nga sabi mapute eh!

NGONGO: (shouting) Ang abi ko, MUK'A MO MAPUTE!!!

(Anak Nagising...)

ANAK: Ma, ang sabi ni papa, "ibuka mo mabute!, naman o,istorbo kayo...! hummppp!!!!

Jokes Batch 1

2010-03-04T02:31:00.000-08:00

----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - --------
Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis niyo , at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - ------------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy ang misis ko , kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang.
Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano ' ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng sampung kilo ' yung kabayo!

------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano , madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.

------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:

Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!

-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado ' yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.

------------ ------------ ------------ -- ------------ -----------
3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na ** kama **:*

TANGA1: Pare , di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa , sa lapag na lang matulog.
(Bumaba si Tanga 1.)

TANGA2: Ayan , pare maluwag na , akyat kana dito!

************ ********* **
Dear Dodong ,
Sa susunod anak , Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk...
Nagmamahal - Nanay

************ ********* **
ANAK: ' Tay , penge ng pera. May project kami. Bibili ako ng 'cocomban ' ..
TATAY: Ano ka ba naman. Hangga ngayon ' cocomban ' pa rin ang tawag mo!
ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama?
TATAY: Bomb paper!

************ ********* ********* **
MISIS: Dear , iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na. Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan , di ako nakauwi!

************ ********* ********
PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor , nakabili na ako ng hearing aid. Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow , galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!

************ ********* ********* ******
At a funeral...

ERAP: Tara na , Jinggoy. Alis na tayo!
JINGGOY: Kararating pa lang natin a!
ERAP: Naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin mo o: 'REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED. '

************ ********* ********
Tanga 1: Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1 coffee. Kanina ka pa silip nang silip diyan.
Tanga 2: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal. Nakasulat kasi sa karton ' SUGAR FREE. '

************ ********* *******
JUAN: Pare , ang bilis kong nabuo ' tong puzzle!
PEDRO: Talaga? Gaano kabilis?
JUAN: 5 months!
PEDRO: Tagal naman!
JUAN: Tagal ba ' yun? Nakalagay nga dito: 'for 3 years & up ' !