I won’t go into details about what each category means; however, you can find out a lot more detailed information by going to http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/. What struck me the most about the test, however, and the reason for this article, is that we learned that my wife and I have the same exact personality type- INFJ- and that individuals with that type have a very high chance of relationship success with others of that same type. INFJ means that I am more introverted than extraverted (I), more intuitive and interested in abstract ideas and deeper meanings rather than relying on the concrete senses (N), more feeling and empathic rather than making decisions based on logic and thinking alone (F), and more likely to prefer some sort of structure and organization in my life, rather than a completely flexible, spontaneous lifestyle (J). It is important to understand that not all of the terms are meant in the same way that they are used in their more common meanings. For example, for these purposes, an introverted person is not one who is poor at social skills and shy, but rather someone who gains energy from solitude rather than from the company of others. Interestingly, INFJs are the most rare personality type, accounting for only one percent of the entire population, so I find it even more unusual that both my wife and I share this type. According to the Myers-Briggs website, INFJs “Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision.”

Best career choice for an INFJ? Counselor or Therapist. I guess some things just find their level ground. Go ahead and take the MBTI and see what your personality type is. It just may help you to understand yourself better and find yourself- your interests, career, or ideal lover.

When you are in a frame of mind of taking stock of where your relationship is, what are some things you need to be mindful of and consider? Below is an incomplete list of items you need to cross off to be sure your relationship is on the right track.

1. Are you having more good times than disagreements? This might seem like an obvious thing, but really many couples get into such a rut with arguments that it becomes a part of their daily interaction and they don’t know how to communicate anymore without arguing. Relationship research Dr. John Gottman claims that a sign of a successful relationship that will last is if the couple has five positive exchanges for every one negative remark or comment.  I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know that I used to be on of those people (before I figured all this stuff out) who thought that fighting and arguments were part of any relationship, and in fact, that if there was no fighting, then that meant that the couple just didn’t care enough or have enough at stake in the relationship. Wrong, terribly wrong. I can honestly say that I’ve been married over a year to my wife now and we’ve never had one single full blown-out fight. Disagreements sometimes (but very rarely), but never even one fight. So I can tell you with great confidence that fighting, any kind of fighting, is extremely detrimental to a relationship, and if you find yourself in a heated argument more than once every few weeks, you really need to get to the bottom of the problem immediately.

2. Is your relationship more light-hearted than serious? What I mean by this is are you finding yourself joking around, teasing, and being playful with your partner far more often than engaging in serious conversations? Teasing and playfulness is absolutely essential to the normal push and pull of sexual tension that keeps relationships happy and interesting. If you used to be the charming teaser that your lady fell in love with when you first met, but now find yourself less charming and more inclined to talk about financial worries, job stresses, and complaints about the minutia of your life, you suddenly have the answers as to why your lady suddenly finds you less attractive.

3. Is your sex life still a priority in your relationship? If you are in the first few years of your relationship and are having sex less than twice a week, you fail.  Relationships are based on attraction first and foremost, and all the other stuff like respect, loyalty, mutual interests, etc, comes later. If you are not itching to hop into bed more often than not, then you are about to find yourself living more in a roommate than lover situation. And you are about to reach the final stage of relationship death. Even if you two are getting along quite well and enjoying each other’s company, not quaking to jump each other’s bones is a big red flag and usually more of an indication of the calm before the storm.

4. Is your relationship completely predictable? If there are no spontaneous moments, no high points to remember, and only the same daily routine every day, you’re about to hit a raging tsunami that will capsize your boat and leave you wondering what happened. Everything from infidelity to divorce has been blamed on “boredom” and nothing is more boring than routine. Even if you think all is well, if your life is one drudging routine after another, you best make some steps to add some variety before it’s too late.

Take stock of this mental checklist and see if any of these pointers fit your situation. If so, consider yourself duly warned and make the proper steps to steer your relationship back into the right direction.

1. Venice, Italy- this is bar none the most romantic, mysterious, exotic, enchanting city I’ve ever been in. And St. Mark’s Square is probably the most gorgeous location I’ve yet seen.  The streets are narrow, old-world and wind around like a maze.  Some streets end at a canal, while others are just dead ends, but you can wander around with your honey and get lost for days.  Take your amour on a romantic ride through the canals, stroll through the streets eating gelato and looking at Carnival masks in the store windows, then have her serenaded by violin players in Piazza San Marco. Either way, taking your lover to Venice for a romantic getaway is a no-lose proposition that will make him or her associate you with fantasy and enchantment.

2. Paris- No list of romantic cities is complete without the Paris, the capital of l’amour. Big, historic, and beautiful, there is just something in the air in Paris that makes couples feel romantic and alive. In my stay, I routinely saw couples kissing in the streets, far more frequently than in any other city I’ve been in. Take your lover on a stroll down the Seine river, visit the sites such as Notre Dame, have dinner at a cafe in the Latin Quarter, then take her up to the Eiffel Tower for a kiss overlooking the city. Trust me, hit the high points like these and your relationship will flow gracefully like a tranquil river.

3. Florence- Possibly even more beautiful than Venice, Florence is definitely a must-visit for any hopeful Don Juan. What makes the whole thing here is the gorgeous view of the city from the river’s edge. The river (if you can call it that) is more like a shallow stream of water, that because it lies so low from the banks, actually reflects all of the buildings along the edge. As a result, what you get is a beautiful mirror reflection of an already beautiful city. Located in the heart of Tuscany, full of vineyards and farmlands, Florence is surrounded by green forests and elegant castles. It’s like being in a time-machine back to Medieval times. Unbelievable.

4. New York- Big, busy, loud and obnoxious, New York City seems like an odd choice to be on this list. But I have to give a shout out to my home town. The thing is, NYC has the most abundance of choice of any city on the planet, so if your goal is to do something romantic for your honey, you can find the means to do it here. Take in a Broadway show, stroll through Central Park then Times Square, go to a romantic dinner at any of thousands of ethnic restaurants to choose from, then take a moonlight cruise down the Hudson, taking in the skyline… follow this path, and you will be golden my son.

5. San Francisco- Probably the most distinctive city in the USA. I included San Fran for its uniqueness and landmarks. It is a very walkable city with a lot of interesting neighborhoods. Take a cable car ride up and down the hills, or just rent some bikes and go all over the city. Lots of parks and natural outdoor things to do and of course, you need to take your lover to the park overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. Now is the time to tell her how you really feel. Like the song goes, “I left my heart in San Francisco.”

If you really want to have the most romantic times of your life with your sweetheart, any of these cities will do. Just remember, we remember our lives through the high points, so make sure you give your lover something to always remember by taking a trip you both will never forget.

Probably the best kind of therapeutic method available to deal with this situation is something called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.  Using the techniques from this therapy, you would continually challenge and question your underlying beliefs that are preventing you from moving ahead. There are two main thought patterns that prevent one from leaving a negative past that I will focus on in this article. These two harmful thought patterns are:

a. Awfulizing (or catastrophizing)- this is the act of overreacting to adverse conditions by continually telling yourself how awful or terrible something is. If you keep focusing on the awful bits, you will never be able to move on. Instead of focusing on the terrible aspects of some negative event, the correct way to challenge this disturbed thought pattern is to tell yourself something like “Yes, it was unfortunate that x event happened, but it is not the end of the world, and I have a lot of other positive things to look forward to.” The act of reframing the event in more positive terms can do wonders for the way that you start perceiving your difficulties.

b. All or none thinking- this is the kind of thought process where you tell yourself that something has to be a certain way or all is lost. For example, you could tell yourself, x and y should have happened a certain way in the past and because it didn’t happen that way, then there is no further use trying. Or you might think that you absolutely have to succeed or have people like you or be loved by everyone or have everything go smoothly and if you don’t, then everything else is pointless. A correct way to challenge this kind of thinking is to tell yourself, “I would prefer if x happened a certain way or if y person liked me, but it doesn’t have to be that way and it doesn’t change the way I feel about myself at all.” Once again, you are actively challenging negative thought patterns that leave you stuck in one place and prevent you from moving on.

Using the kind of Socratic inner dialogue of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to challenge your negative inner thoughts is probably the best way of burying a difficult past and creating the emotional foundation to be happy in the future. Remember- something can’t hurt you if you don’t care about it.

Dr. Diamond makes the case that human sexuality evolved the way it did due to the reproductive systems of humans. Human babies are unique in the animal kingdom in that they are very large in relation to other animal babies and take years upon years to develop into full functioning individuals. For example, the average weight of a human baby is about 6 lbs, but the average weight of a gorilla baby is 3 lbs, even though adult gorillas are much larger than adult humans. Also most animal babies can forage and fend for themselves within months or even weeks after birth, while human babies take years upon years to be self-reliant. In addition, many animals lay multiple eggs or give birth to multiple “litters”, while human babies are usually born individually, unless there is an exception.

So what you have here is a situation where the human baby is more delicate and precious than other animal babies, simply because it is born alone and is very vulnerable for an extended duration. Thus, in order for the human baby to survive, it is imperative that it is raised by both parents, female and male. The male parent is necessary to provide extra protection and nourishment for the human baby, which the female parent alone would have trouble providing.  Other animals, due to being born in groups and maturing more rapidly, need less parental supervision in order for the species to survive, so it is much less necessary for both biological parents to stay together.

And this is really the underlying reason behind why humans behave sexually in the way they do and tend to pair-bond into monogamous relationships during a majority of their lifetime. It all comes down to evolution and the survival of the species.  Diamond argues that humans are evolutionarily hard-wired to act in such a way to best promote the continual advancement and survival of the species. As a result, a female human, unlike other animals, engages in sex continuously with her male partner, even when she is not ovulating in order to keep him attracted and bonded to her, so that he will stay with her if/when they have children. Further, female humans conceal their ovulation so that male humans do not know when the optimum time would be to inseminate her, so as a result, he will be more likely to stay with her and continually try to inseminate her rather than run off to engage with other females who may or may not be ovulating. The instinct to pair-bond and live monogamously with another partner is also part of the process of ensuring that both biological parents are available to human baby, so that it may survive.

So in the end, what is the answer to Diamond’s fundamental question- Why is sex fun? It is fun to ensure multiple sexual intercourse with the same partner, which leads to pair-bonding and emotional feelings such as love, which leads to monogamy, which in the end, ensures the survival of the human species. We as humans are pre-programmed to enjoy sex- it’s the only way we can survive.

Daniel Gilbert, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, states in his book Stumbling on Happiness, that money is only a source of misery when we do not have enough money to pay for our basic needs. However, when our basic needs are met, there is very little additional happiness to be gained from increases in income. In fact, if our basic needs are indeed met, the next greatest predictor of happiness correlated to finances is the comparisons we make to the perceived financial status of our peers. For example, if we make $100k a year but live in an ultra-expensive neighborhood populated by millionaires, we will perceive ourselves as being poor and our personal happiness will be negatively affected. Likewise, we could only make $40k, but if we live in a neighborhood populated by vulnerable individuals receiving social services, we may perceive ourselves as financially well-off and so will feel better about ourselves. So, in essence, if you want to be happy with your finances, live within your means and forget about keeping up with the Joneses.

Interestingly enough, a much better predictor of personal happiness is the amount of sex we have, rather than the amount of money we make. According to David Blanchflower, an economics professor at Dartmouth, “Going from sex once a month to sex once a week creates a big jump in happiness.” The reason for this isn’t so much the sex per se, but everything else involved in having weekly sex with the same person- an established stable relationship, mutual trust, love, and affection. The reasoning is that if you are having consistent sex with a regular partner, then you are most likely to have a solid, loving relationship- the kind of intimacy that is absolutely necessary for personal well-being.

The moral of the story- if you want to be happy, stop worrying about money and focus more on your relationships and the time you spend on them (especially between the sheets).

-Nancy

A: Nancy, thanks for writing in- better late than never. What happened here most likely is that the guy likes you, but doesn’t have enough experience or confidence to know how to move forward. Like I always say- let’s look at the facts. First, you indicated that he has been dropping hints of being interested. I don’t exactly know what that means, but I’ll give your feminine instincts the benefit of the doubt that probably there is some merit in those hints. Second, he did call you and invite you on a date. No guy (unless he is sexually frustrated and thinks it will be an easy lay, which is not the case here, I’m sure) will call a girl and invite her anywhere on a date, unless he is interested. Third, you did say that he seemed nervous. And again, he would have no reason to be nervous at all unless he was worried about the outcome, which of course indicates interest.

That said, the guy made a TON of mistakes. Even if he loved baseball or whatever sport it was, he shouldn’t have invited you to a game unless he knew you would love it. That may or may not be true in your case, but my default stance would be that inviting a girl to a typically masculine activity is a terrible idea. Second, you didn’t indicate any thing that you guys talked about. It seems as if there was no good conversation flowing, nothing to build or heighten interest. In his case, it’s probably because he was so nervous he couldn’t stammer out the words. And finally, he did not escalate physically, ie. going for the kiss, holding your hand, initiating more physical contact, etc. And the truth is that escalating physicality is essential to building attraction.

So basically what you have here is a blundering guy who probably has little to no experience with women. As I’ve written before in an article about whether the girl should make the first move (which can be found by searching the site), you are in quite a bit of a dilemma. The thing is that perhaps this is a great guy who has a lot to offer, but the problem is that dating and maintaining a relationship is a learned skill, just like picking up girls. So, in all likelihood, if he can’t even perform on a minimal level in the pickup department, how good will his relationship skills possibly be? Do you want to be the one to carry the relationship? And if you have some relationship experience under your belt, do you want to be the guinea pig where this guy smooths out his rough edges? Not saying what you should do here, but it’s food for thought.

Best advice: Give this guy another shot on the assumption that he does like you but pooped the bed from nervousness. If he maintains status quo in round two, you’ve at least settled your mind with little downside.

Good luck.

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-Mara

A: Mara, that was a great question. Actually, I’ve been putting much thought into this same question myself just recently. I had a conversation not long ago with a well known family therapist in my area about some of the issues she sees in her practice, and she said that from what she’s seen, technology is probably one of the biggest destroyers of relationships. Every week she has new clients come in who’s relationship was ruined or is on the rocks due to some message or comment left on Facebook or Myspace or someone breaking into someone’s email account and reading something they weren’t supposed to, or finding suspicious texts on someone’s cell phone, etc, etc. The list just goes on and on. So basically technology is a great pro and con in the world of relationships…. it can allow for easier access to meeting and communicating with new people, and it also allows for more ability to be caught (or misunderstood to be doing) something you shouldn’t be doing. So I can speak authoritatively that technology is a major stumbling block in modern relationships.

That said, I see that there are more problems in your relationship than just emails. For one, the fact that there are closed lines of communication about important issues (such as previous relationships) is a red flag that perhaps you guys need to do a better job of communicating in general.  Also, it may be possible that the way you communicate in emails is a reflection of the way you communicate vocally, so that it only seems like you are arguing more over email because you email more than talk. Obviously, the lack of vocal intonation does make it more difficult to understand the nuances of communication, but it seems like you two aren’t yet attuned to each other’s communication styles, or those email misunderstandings would be less pronounced.

Overall, based on the information you’ve provided me, I would say this is a more of a general problem of communication within the relationship, rather than a specific issue focused mainly around the use of emails. I’m also concerned that your husband so easily brushes aside your concerns about wanting to speak more on the phone. My best advice would be to try to see someone who is well versed in communication problems within relationships, such as a marriage counselor when you two have the opportunity to be together. If you’re going to be long-distance for awhile, this is going to be more of a challenge, like trying to fix an airplane while in flight, but still doable if both of you are on the same page and willing to both acknowledge the problem.  Best thing you can do right now is make it clear to him that you would like to improve your communication as a couple and that your relationship is important to you. An excellent book on this topic is “Verbal Judo” by George Thompson. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango, so I hope he is willing to hear you out.

PS- I don’t know of any studies off the top of my head, but I’m always a sucker for a good study and will pass along the info if I find anything.

Good luck.

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-Alia

A: Hi, thanks for your question Alia. At times that we are feeling low, there is a natural tendency to look back fondly at past, happier times and try to hold onto that past, even though it is no longer good for us. It’s quite normal to want to hold onto something comfortable, a known entity since people have an inherent aversion to change. It’s like that saying, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” However, our past memories are filtered through rose colored glasses that bias our memories towards the good, while conveniently skipping over the bad. It’s like when old timers are constantly harping about “The Good Old Days.” Well, you know what? Every generation had their “Good Old Days.”

In my experience, I’ve broken up and eventually got back together with just about every girlfriend I’ve ever had. And guess what? We ended up breaking up all over again. And sometimes again and again and again. There’s only one girl I didn’t end up breaking up with. So I married her. My point in all this is that when relationships break up, they usually always break up for a reason. A good reason. And the things that broke you up in the first place will end up dooming the relationship in the end even if you do get back together. Somewhere along the line, someone pushed the idea that relationships are supposed to difficult, complex, and require a lot of hard work. Well, that’s not true. All relationships require work, but it’s the kind of work where the two people are working together, not picking up the pieces over and over again. You see what I’m saying?

So, my advice is to appreciate the lessons you learned from this relationship and employ them to make yourself a better person and lover the next time around. As for your comment about learning to love yourself, I would wager to guess that based on that comment, your guy either didn’t treat you all that well or ended things in a very hurtful way that made you feel vulnerable and unloved. My best advice is to focus on yourself and learn about who you truly are, what makes you tick, and where your passions lay. Don’t hesitate to try new things, meet new people, and expand your social circle and horizons. Once you find what you really enjoy, you will find that you are enjoying yourself more in general, that you attract the kinds of people into your life who enjoy the same kinds of things, and that you are probably pretty good at the things you enjoy doing. And it will all start coming together by itself. Once you find your passions, that you are good at them, and that people appreciate you for it, I think you’ll find that it will be very easy to love yourself again.

Good luck.

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-Sam

A: Hey, thanks for the love. That said, what do you mean I look like I know about this cam stuff? Pray tell.

Look, there’s several ways of looking at this. First, I would venture to say that your girl is enthusiastic, willing, and experimental in bed if she’s interested in doing internet porn. Right? So those are some good things for a guy, no doubt. OK, then there’s the issue of the actual cam shows. Putting all discussion of morality aside (which don’t even apply here anyway) there is probably little chance that anyone that you know would actually see the cam shows since they are live shows and likely won’t be recorded anywhere. At the very least, make sure that the cam shows cannot be recorded. So if no one you know will see what you’re up to, then hell, it just might be worth trying…. I mean voyeurism and exhibitionism are all aspect of sexuality than can potentially enhance your sex life. Who knows you- you may like it and it can add some extra spice to your sex lives or you may not like it, but no harm no foul.

The problem can arise if your girl wants to take this stuff too seriously. And move further into other forms of sex work such as stripping or hard core porn. Again, ignoring any mention of morality, stripping and sex are really crummy ways to make a living, especially for the boyfriend attached. You may think it may be exciting to have other guys salivate over your girl, but the lifestyle sucks and is not worth the money. If your girl strips, she will be out all night all the time, come home in the early morning, sleep all day and then wake up and start putting on makeup. You will never get to be with her and it’s gonna be all about the stripping. The porn- I’m sure you don’t actually want your girl doing that, for obvious reasons, enough said.

So what should you do? You know your girl better than I do… maybe a little cam show here or there can add an exciting element to your relationship. But if it goes anywhere beyond that, I think it’s time to take a stand.

Good luck.

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