*I allowed this guest post because this girl felt authentic in asking for a guest post. Obviously, I haven’t blogged in a while. This is from Eric Whitehead. She is a writer, blogger, comedian and contributor to http://www.onlinedatingsites.net

Norman Bates caught a lot of heat for what seemed like a pretty harmless hobby: Stuffing and preserving the dead, including his mother.  Okay yes, there were also the murders in the shower but that tiny detail aside, the need to resurrect something once throbbing with the life force that created you is fairly understandable.  It’s kind of like those relationships that have long since died and should have been buried but because you just can’t let go of this thing you once loved, you both dress it up, take it out, and parade it around like it’s still alive and functioning.  It’s a lot of work.  But then taxidermy and dating have always been tough jobs.

There are people who have become skilled at breaking up.  These are the same people who smell a rotting corpse and know it’s time to get that thing six feet under or better yet – cremate it.  I mean, whose idea was it to take something dead and decaying and put it in a box and plant it?  It sounds like a kindergarten solution.  I say burn the dead; and if the flame’s dying out in a relationship, walk away from that pile of ashes and go read some online dating site reviews. This is what healthy people do.  The rest of us see a relationship with no pulse and think heroically, I can bring it back!!!  We become our fantasy ER doctors who refuse to give up, who can’t call time of death no matter how cold the body is or how long it’s been flat lining.  We think about how it used to be, so fun and new and innocent, so full of hope.  We think, if we can just revive it one last time maybe it can be like it was.

It can’t be.  We can’t bring back the dead in love or in flesh.  This is a concept I still struggle with and it’s why vampires are probably so popular and romanticized.  The idea of gone forever is so painful to realize that we use what we know of the living and we try to wrap the dead in it like a costume.  It drove Norman Bates crazy.  Without his real live walking talking mother around Norman was forced to obsess over those parts of her he remembered.  But in trying to recreate he fell down the kaleidoscope that was his mind and her memory intertwined and came out the other end with only the worst bits of each.  The same thing happens when you awake to find your relationship dead in the bed beside you.  Unable to admit that something you loved and needed has wasted away, you prop it up and treat it like a real thing.  Your partner, seeing this charade, doesn’t know how to tell you it’s dead and so plays along; two people playing dress up with the remains of their love.  But in trying to recreate, all the fears and disappointments and of course the underlying feeling that something is very wrong culminate to create something that only resembles what you once had.  Something that is all the worst parts wearing an old, sad couple’s Halloween costume.

Norman might have gone to the extreme in stuffing and preserving his own mother (and yes, yes, the murdering, too).  But most of us have been guilty of not wanting to let something go.  Hard as it is to be broken up with or to be the one who breaks it off, think of it as a mercy killing.  It’s better than lugging something dead and rotting around.  That could make anyone go crazy.

I’ve been in two relationships that could be considered “long distance”. One of the relationships was with a girl who lived 2 hours away from me. Two hours isn’t necessarily too bad…but the fact that during this time I was a sophomore in high school and couldn’t drive made things pretty damn difficult. Kind of makes it hard to have any sort of relationship when you can’t drive. Having mom pick you up and drop you off on dates is…not awesome. Needless to say, we broke up within 2 months.

The other relationship was with a girl who lived about 40 minutes away (I realize this isn’t too long distance and is pretty normal nowadays, especially in big cities, but to some even 40 minutes is an insurmountable distance). At this point, I could drive, and drive I did. I think I drove back and forth to visit her at least 4 times a week. I’m a freaking idiot. Dah! I swear I spent a crapload of money on gas that year, and (no lie) I’m still paying back some of those credit card bills from this relationship…freak.

So, are long distance relationships doable? It’s hard to answer this with either a definitive yes or a definitive no. I tend to lean more on the “no” side. However, I think that there are genuinely some people in the world that can handle a long distance relationship. The problem is…in order for any relationship to work, you need TWO PEOPLE. And so finding a COUPLE that can both handle a long distance relationship is extremely difficult. This is only referencing pre-marriage relationships. I hope that if you’re married you’ll make the long distance relationship work…

Here are some things to consider before plunging into a long distance relationship:

1.) Are you the jealous type? If you are psycho jealous heebie/sheebie stalkerish, then I’m going to say that getting into a long distance relationship will be one of the worst decisions you make. I can see it already…you sitting beside your computer waiting for every single facebook update so that you can make sure your “significant” other isn’t cheating on you or hanging out with some handsome guy or beautiful girl. Any time another girl/guy writes a facebook wall message, you quickly call your boyfriend/girlfriend and ask them if everything is okay. Oh man, I can’t even imagine what you would do if your significant other uploads a picture of himself/herself hanging out with another cute guy/cute girl. Wow.

Yea. If you’re the jealous type you definitely shouldn’t get into a long distance relationship. It’s going to destroy you both emotionally and mentally…

2.) Will you guys be “not long distance” in the near future? Part of deciding if you want to get into a long distance relationship or not is determined by this simple question: Will you guys be long distance for a long time? Look…if you’re going to be apart from each other for more than 1 year, I really think you guys should just reconsider. Human interaction is SOOO important. Most of us in the 21st century are “out of sight, out of mind.” Think about how many people you’ve lost touch with over the years. People that you thought you’d never lose touch with are now afterthoughts in your busy present life…you know those “College can’t keep us apart! Who cares if you’re moving to Alaska and there’s no way for us to keep in touch! We’re BFFS FOREVER XOXOXO, LOVE YA!” Then two days later…

Long distance relationships are a lot of work. Trust me. It’s not easy. I remember my first year of college, all of the “high school sweethearts” thought they could “be the ones” that make it. Everything goes SUPER well the first quarter. However, when second quarter swings around, every time you walk out into the dorm hallway, you see some girl crying in the corner (guys, here is your perfect opportunity to sweep in), or some guy yelling in frustration and anger (girls, probably not the best time to try anything…heh). Then by around third quarter…GG. Good game. Relationship over. Then you see that in like a week or two they’re in another relationship with someone in college…such is life.

3.) How much money do you have? Because traveling is going to be a bitch. No way around it. If you guys live far from each other, anytime you want to see each other you have to spend a crapton of money just to do it. Either you’re going to have to ring up those credit card bills (and regret it years later), or have a lot of money on hand. Whether it’s driving in a car, or paying for airfare…how much money do you have? And if you’re a girl who has a lot of money (anyone with at least 1 million net worth) and wants to get into a long distance relationship…feel free to give me a call. I’ll be more than happy to compromise on your behalf. I’m so selfless.

4.) How busy are both of you guys? If both of you guys are SUPER BUSY, then it COULD work. However, if one of you guys has too much free time on your hands…game over again. It’s going to get annoying for both sides. The one who’s not busy is going to call you all the time, bitching and moaning about how “you never have time for him/her” these days. They’re going to be constantly sending you text messages, facebook messages, emails, BBM messages, whatsapp messages…I’m pretty sure you’re going to throw your phone at a wall in frustration. Just make sure if it’s an iPhone or something expensive, you “softly” throw it at the wall. Or throw the case and keep the phone.

If both of you guys are too busy for each other, even if you live 10 minutes from one another it’s going to feel like a long distance relationship anyways. And if this is you…SUCKS TO BE YOU.

Conclusion: There are a lot of things to consider before getting into any long distance relationship. I could list at least 5 more topics off the top of my head, but that would make this post way too damn long and my fingers are already getting cramps from writing 1019, 1020, 1021 words (1022). The bottom line is this. If you really think you can do it, give it a shot. People are so afraid of relationships NOT working that they don’t even try. I think that is an egregious error. Even failed relationships teach us a lot and help us to mature and grow as individuals.

Which is basically my way of saying, call me. Let’s make a mistake together!

Technorati Tags: can long distance work, long distance relationship advice, long distance relationships, long distance relationships tips

Confidence is extremely important in any relationship. There is a profound difference between arrogance and confidence. Arrogance = douchebag status, where guys or girls think they are hot shiz but really are just annoying and socially awkward. Unless they are hot. In which case, society and I are willing to overlook a lot of major obvious flaws for the sake of their hotness. Man, what I would do to bite into one of those hot, sexy, sumptuous…hairy man nipples. CHYEA. Nothing beats a nice stash of manly chest hair. VOMIT.

Women and men can both sniff confidence from a mile away. It’s a known fact that 60 – 80% of communication is done on a subconscious level. That means a majority of what you say is done not through anything you say, but how you walk, act and carry yourself. That’s why it’s so important to carry yourself with confidence. Don’t forget, initial contact (especially for guys) is super important. It’s hard to fabricate confidence and fake it, but here are some things you can do to give yourself a tangible confidence boost:

1.) Lose some weight. I’m not going to lie. I gained a ton of weight these past six months. I knew that I was gaining weight, and I tried to stop it. Every morning I would tell myself, “starting today I’m going to diet and exercise…” Then, as I drove into the McDonald’s Drive Thru, I would say “Starting tomorrow I will diet and exercise…” MAKE TOMORROW TODAY! I promise the McDonalds Diet doesn’t work! I’ve tried it!

For me, because I have been developing major man boobs as of late, I’ve started to work out and diet again. Look, you don’t have to be stick skinny to feel good about yourself. As a matter of fact, too skinny is usually a bad thing. However, you and I both know that generally speaking those who are fit are more attractive. I feel so much better about myself already after a couple weeks of dieting and working out. Being in shape will give you a definite confidence boost, and will also make you more attractive. I want to say here that it’s not only about being skinny. It’s about the fact that if you’re skinny, you’re communicating to other people that you have enough discipline and work ethic to stay in shape.

2.) Dress better. Learning how to dress, and how to stay clean shaven will increase your attractiveness and confidence significantly. Clothes can transform a person – that’s why when people dress in suits, they are so impressive. There’s something psychologically alluring about someone who knows how to dress well. Remember, 60 – 80% of your communication is subconscious, and how you dress and take care of yourself is a huge part of that! Buy new clothes…if you’re not sure what to get, find a friend who’s super fashionable, and take them shopping with you. If you’re a girl, ask a guy to go with you to buy clothes (preferably gay, and definitely not a guy who only likes hoochie mamas); if you’re a guy ask a fashionable girl to go with you to buy clothes (preferably a girl that you’re attracted to so that you can get some quality one on one time as well…strategy is key!).

3.) Increase your status somehow. One of the best ways to be more confident is to just increase your status somehow. Take up some hobbies to get good at stuff like sports, musical instruments, etc. We’re all attracted to people who are talented. I can’t tell you how many times I see a girl jamming out on the piano, or singing a beautiful song and my mouth just drops open and I fall instantly in love. Hate to break it to all you men out there, but being super good at video games is not going to win any girls over. She’s not going to be impressed that you can perform 140 Actions Per Minute with your mouse. Girls, on the other hand…if you’re good at video games. DAMN. THAT’S HOT.

Furthermore, either becoming a leader within your local network or getting lots of money through working hard is a major attractive boost for guys. This isn’t just about girls being gold diggers. It’s because women want security and comfort. Shoot, we all do. Guys who are in a position to provide their women with security and comfort are more likely to succeed in the world of dating. There’s no way that Beyonce dates Jay-Z if Jay-Z wasn’t who he is – one of the leading men in the rap industry. Let’s be honest here…Beyonce is freaking SMOKING HOT, and Jay-Z? This picture speaks for itself.

Conclusion: Look, I know that a lot of people feel like even if they did all of these things, it wouldn’t help, so why go through all the trouble of doing it? But thinking like that is the very reason why you don’t have any confidence. Feeling better about yourself begins with a conscious decision to improve yourself as a person. Everyone starts somewhere! You can’t just wake up tomorrow and suddenly be more confident. You have to build that confidence every single day by making good choices.

Don’t be so short-sighted. Of course changing your clothes isn’t going to “suddenly” get you your dream girl/dream guy. Of course it’s a freaking pain in the ass to exercise, and if you’re anything like me, you have a Profound hate for Tony Horton now. However, you can’t ever get to where you want to be unless you start somewhere. Becoming the man or woman that you want to be, the confident and attractive type, takes a bit of hard work. If all else fails, just go with the arranged marriage. “She might be a little big now…but you’ll grow into her!” – Russell Peters

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Technorati Tags: confidence in dating, how to become more confident, how to build confidence, how to get more confident, self confidence

I went on a handful of first dates this past year, trying to see if any of the girls had potential to stick. First dates are awkward as hell! That’s the first thing I want to say right off the bat. How do you interact with someone who (for the most part) you’ve never met? Let me clarify here that this does not apply if you end up dating someone who’s been your longtime friend. Obviously, if you guys are already comfortable with each other, the first date is more of a formality than anything else.

One of the most notable first dates I went on was when my parents (lovely as they are) tried to hook me up with a girl who doesn’t speak English. Why!? During the date, we literally just sat there and smiled at each other, trying so hard to communicate with each other only to realize that it’s pretty damn difficult to do that when you don’t speak the same freaking language. Awkward as hell man!

Here are some useful things about the first date that I’ve learned along the way.

1.) Don’t worry about the second date! I think most people go into a first date inevitably concerned about whether or not there will be a second date. Let’s be real here – the first date is an interview, and sometimes when you go to interviews, YOU FAIL. This is especially true if you’re so concerned about whether you’re going to fail or not, that you can’t even perform!!! (PUN INTENDED). Instead of looking ahead to the future, stay focused on the present. Whether it works, or fails, thinking too far ahead is only going to make the experience a lot worse than it should be. Besides, you definitely don’t want to sweat from nervousness like this guy:

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

2.) Have some conversational topics in mind. When you go to an interview, you go prepared (or you should anyways). So why not go prepared for a first date as well? Let’s be real…you need to get to know each other on this first date. What you feel about each other, and how you interact together on this date determines whether there’ll be a second one. Have some interesting things to say (some stories to share?) and some things you want to talk about. But don’t be dumb about it. Don’t talk about stuff that shouldn’t be talked about on the first date. For example, if you have sleep apnea and have to wear one of these NIFTY MASKS, or you have some major issues with bowel control while sleeping, then probably not the best idea to bring that up on your first date. Instead, trick them into falling in love with you so by the time they find out…too late!

3.) Start small or go big (mostly for guys). If you really want to date the girl, and you’re absolutely certain, then make the first date a very special occasion. Try to impress her a bit. Take her out to a very nice restaurant. Have something cool planned afterwards (only if dinner was a success and not super awkward), like going to an observatory, or, something. However, if you’re kind of on the fence, then start small. Do something simple, light, and unassuming so that you don’t waste your freaking money when you realize that you don’t want to date this girl. I’ve spent a crapload of money on a few first dates that ended up going nowhere. FML.

4.) HAVE FUN MAN. Girls: Enjoy your freaking meal. If you figure out right away that there’s probably not going to be a second date, then just go all out. Order the freaking most expensive dish on the menu, and get some bomb ass dessert while you’re at it. Shoot, might as well if you know this is probably the end…hahaha. Guys: Don’t be a sucker. If a girl orders the most expensive thing on the menu, and doesn’t seem at all interested in you, Dine and ditch, man. Dine and ditch.

On the real though…have some fun. If you have fun together, there’s a pretty damn good chance there’ll be a second date. And if there isn’t? Well, then it sucks to be you.

Technorati Tags: first date, first date advice, first date rules, first date tips, good first date ideas

The subject of online dating is the brunt end of many jokes. I, myself, have been very liberal about lashing out (half jokingly) against sites like E-harmony, Match.com, or dateacougar.com…although, admittedly, finding a rich cougar to go out with sounds…pretty damn awesome the more and more I think about it. Why is this such a double standard? Why can’t I be a male gold digger? I am so down to just marry a rich woman and not do anything for the rest of my life. OH MAN. That’s the life…sigh. When I daydream like this, I have a tendency of visualizing all the positive things (like the enormous amounts of money, nice cars, etc. that I would gain) and not so much the negative things (like the old woman that I had to marry to accomplish this goal..and…possible cellulite…I would have to…vomit-_____-).

Online dating feels like you’re selling out. It’s like Youtube. Youtube gave people the opportunity to succeed in the world of media and entertainment without having to go through the painstaking journey that is normally required to make it in Hollywood. Save Justin Bieber, it’s pretty difficult to make the jump from “Youtube” to main stream because Youtube is “frowned upon”.

And so we find a similar dilemma with Online Dating. It doesn’t feel “authentic”. Meet two people who’ve met each other online, and you can’t help but feel like their “how we met” story is just not that amazing. “Oh, we met each other through the internet” just does NOT have the romantic gusto as “we fell in love at first sight”.

The problem is that we hear all these amazing, insane, mind blowing stories of people who met in extremely unique and “romantic” ways, and…we want that. The reality is, these stories are the product of maybe like 7% of our society, and these stories circulate as “one time I heard about my friend who knows a friend, who knows a cousin, who knows a brother that…” type of stories. But still culture tells us that we need to meet our woman/man in the most awesome, unique way possible! Movie after movie depicts some of the most amazing, heartfelt hook-up stories we could ever imagine…and oh man, do we fall victim to its enticing ways.

I want so bad to meet a girl on some amazing adventure, where both of us get stranded on an island, and at first we absolutely hate each other (because, naturally, we’re both stubborn), but by the end, we fall madly in love and…do…things…together…on…the…secluded…island…like…go swimming in a lagoon or something. -__-;;

I want so bad to fall in love with my best friend, and for her to fall in love with me. How, even though we never thought we would love each other…through some “epiphany” or some “moment of truth” I find out that I do love her. And that I want to marry her! And I end up storming in on her wedding, and when the guy says “if anyone has any reason why these two should not get married say so now or forever hold your peace”, I want to scream “I have a problem with that because I love her!!!!!!!” To which, of course, she would scream “I love you, too”, and immediately leave the altar. All of this, of course, would be completely justified because she would love me back and the guy she’s marrying would be a douchebag. Down with the douchebags.

I WANT so bad to write my phone number on a dollar bill while on a date with a girl, and tell her “baby, if you get this dollar bill one day…then call me because we’re meant to BE!!!!” And then 2 years later find out she got that dollar bill and that FATE HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

OH MAN. I WANT AN AWESOME “HOW WE MET STORY”.

And then I wake up. And realize that, honestly, “how we met” stories mean absolutely nothing if the “how we work together as a couple” story doesn’t add up. Who cares how you met, if the actual relationship sucks or doesn’t work out that well.

And even though I know and say that…I find myself in a dilemma. I’m both idealistic and realistic. I think, to a certain extent, most people have that inner turmoil. Some people are extremes, of course…but most people are constantly waging war in their soul with what they “idealistically” want and versus what they “realistically” know they can get. It’s tough. So hard to balance the two.

But I think that when it comes to online dating…at a certain point, taking the plunge is honestly the best option that you have. This is because the thing about meeting people is that…after a certain point, itstops. You don’t really “go out” as much anymore, and your social network becomes more and more “defined”. It’s really difficult to meet new people the older you get, unless you go out on a ton of blind dates.

Yet…we have the rare opportunity in the 21st century to meet hundreds of people with the click of a freaking button through the internet. One click of the button and you can meet hundreds of girls who may want to date you! Maybe?! DAYUM. And not only that, but these people are (supposedly) compatible with you.

Honestly, no matter which way you look at it, that’s absolutely amazing. And as much as I joke about online dating, I know many people in my life who’ve tried online dating, and it’s worked out incredibly well for them. I know at least two couples who ended up getting married after dating online, and another couple who just got engaged. It works. And I guarantee you that, when they are happily married and pumping out babies (or at least doing the act of pumping out babies without actually…pumping out babies), they will not look back and say “it’s unfortunate that we didn’t have a great “how we met” story.” Honestly, meeting a person that you love a lot, and for her/him to love you back…that in itself is an incredible story.

And so with that, everyone is different…but I say that if you’re getting a little bit “further along” in age (I just turned 27 this past monday, FML), and you’re still not dating…maybe it’s time to take the online dating plunge. Anyone want to start a Eharmony profile with me?

Technorati Tags: free online dating advice, online dating advice, onlnie dating, should i online date

This is a guest post from Tina Lemon. ENJOY!

The set-up gets a bad rap.  It sits just under browsing personal ads on craigslist and events like Speed Dating for Cougars in the “I’d rather be single than do any of these loser activities to score a date” hierarchy. But let me tell you something, people, beggars can’t be choosers. Beggars can’t be choosers. As a woman who has had her fair share of set-ups (and relational mishaps), take my advice and go for it.  Anytime anyone (and I mean anyone) offers to set you up with someone, say yes! I know, I know, dinner with the non-native English speaker your mom goes to church with isn’t exactly the most appealing situation to find yourself in, but in the long run I think it can actually help you with your game.

GET YOUR FEET WET. Dating is not easy – true story. But the more you practice, the less you go through that crazy, “Do you think he likes me?! Do you think he’s the ONE?!” downhill spiral where you obsess over his every post on Facebook, trying to decode some sort of “secret message” confessing his undying love for you. You’re CERTAIN that he loves you BACK! Even though you’ve met him, like, once. And barely spoke two sentences to him.  Not that I’ve been there or anything… heh.

Anyway. Set-ups are like training days for finding out who you are and what you are looking for when it comes to dating, especially if you haven’t had a lot of experience or find yourself thrown out in the field after a long term relationship. Set-ups can help you practice interacting with people of the opposite gender without getting all weird and sweaty. The thing about a set-up is that the initial fear of rejection is eliminated because well, man, the chick/dude was delivered to you. You didn’t sweat bullets trying to ask the cutie two cubicles over on a date-in fact, she/he can’t refuse and risk shrinking your manhood/womanhood down to the size of a pea. Hang on to that extra ounce of self-esteem and funnel it towards making this no-pressure date a good time!

ON THAT NOTE – a set-up date should always be a no pressure date. So please, no pressure. Don’t hype it up and avoid getting all judge-y on people. Don’t expect that the person fit all of your demanding criteria before they even grace your presence.  Yo, it’s a freakin’ cup of coffee for cryin’ out loud.  In my early twenties (sigh…early twenties…), whenever I was propositioned with a possible set-up, I would bombard the setter-upper with a million questions about the guy’s financial/physical stats and begrudgingly agree if and only if he met my sky high expectations.  But you know where that’s left me, ladies? TWENTY NINE and ALONE. Please. Please learn from the mistakes of others and just say yes.  Men, I know the first question you ask is, “So, is she hot?”  Dude, go step in front of a full length mirror and do some self reflecting. Take a good, long look at yourself.  Go ahead. DO IT. Ask yourself this, “Are YOU hot?” Now, I don’t know how else to put this, but the answer is probably a reverberating “NO!” (Imagine hearing that in the booming voice of James Earl Jones echoing in your cold, lonely bedroom.)  Snap out of your pubescent fantasyland where busty avatar girls feed you grapes and come back to reality.

AND LASTLY… you just never know what might happen.  You might actually enjoy yourself. Seriously.  I once got set-up with this really sweet guy that I probably never would have gone out with otherwise (see Why Nice Guys Finish Last) and dated him for a few months.  It didn’t work out but I don’t regret it at all and gained a lot of insight about the type of man I’m looking for in a relationship (see Why Nice Guys Finish Last).

Though your date might not end up in either of you saying, “I do” at the altar, I can guarantee that as long as you remain open-minded and act like none other than your charming little self, you will (most likely) have a good time.  Or at least you’ll have a good story to tell when you and your friends get together to share horrific tales from dating hell.

Oh, and a little self plug here – all you single, employed men between the ages of 25 and 35 living in the greater Los Angeles area  – my name is Tina Lemon.  And I’m available.

Holler.

Technorati Tags: blind date, blind date advice, blind date tips, should i go on a blind date

It sucks to be stuck in a hopeless infatuation. In a scenario like this, a person is in love with a girl or guy that he/she knows it will never work out with (or that is just bad for them), and yet this person can’t help himself/herself. This is different from the Tree Chopping Concept–with the Tree Chopping Concept, the guy is usually interested in a girl that could be good for him if they ever dated, and could maybe get the girl if he tried hard enough. In the case of a hopeless infatuation, you know that you KNOW it’s really not going to work, but you literally can’t help but want it. SO BAD. Like I wanted to watch the show “Chippendales” in Las Vegas, until I found out that it has nothing to do with squirrels and everything to do with men dancing in the nude. You really can’t tell by the pictures…

Hopeless Infatuation scenarios:

1. Guy/girl is in a profession that is something that you know will cause problems in the future, or maybe guy/girl doesn’t have a job at all, and this is a problem for you.
2. Guy/girl has some sort of “deal-breaker” aspect to them. He/she may be addicted to drugs, gambling, or…maybe he/she is a “player”, and you know it…but you still want it. Like Red Velvet Cupcakes…omg…I want one so bad right now.
3. Guy/girl and you have some serious incompatibility issues. You guys are always arguing, always disagreeing about things…but…yet…YOU WANT IT SO BAD. (Is this getting old yet? hahaha)
4. Guy/girl you are interested in does not like you back. (Similar to the Tree Chopping Concept…), except in this case, there is like almost no hope at all for the relationship to ever progress, no matter how much you chop away at the tree.
5. Guy/girl lives really far from where you live, and you won’t be able to see that person in the near foreseeable future.
6. Guy/girl is married, or is dating a close friend of yours…although…really, this isn’t a “hopeless” infatuation. It should be. YOU BAD PEOPLE. Just kidding…as the old maxim goes, “just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t SCORE!” Unless I’m the goalie. I got quick reflexes, fool.

In any of these scenarios, either you are #1. dating the person that you know it will never work out with or #2. really like the person you know it will never work out with (but aren’t dating).

For friends of people who are stuck in hopeless infatuations, it’s aggravating. No matter how many times you talk to him or her about how it’s never going to work, and how they need to get over it and be done with it already..they never listen! You know, the problem with dating and relationships is that, really, people never listen. It’s funny because when we give other people advice, we’re like freaking Confucius and crap…we give amazing advice that is filled with wisdom. “Hey Sarah, you really shouldn’t date that drug dealer. He’s so bad for you! He’s going to end up in jail, or (insert moment of sagacity here)…” and then a few months later, this same girl who just gave this excellent advice is in a relationship with a male stripper, who stars in the show “Thunder From Down Under” from Vegas, and has ginormous……..pectoral muscles, large hands and…other…large…things…that…hang…from his body…like…arms…(and no i did not mean his penis looks like a third arm…although…i guess maybe it can?)

Not that I’ve ever seen the show or anything. And WHY DO I KEEP TALKING ABOUT MALE STRIPPERS? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?

…

We’re so good at giving advice, but we’re so bad at taking advice. This is because it’s easy to “tell” someone to stop liking another person…when you’re not the one that likes the person. The realm of theory and practicality only gets you so far…for most of us, our feelings often get the best of us. Or in the case of men…we live by this creed: WWPD. (What Would Penis Do?)

And yet, the reality is, these infatuations are usually pretty bad for us. In both cases, whether you’re someone who likes another person and you keep pursuing them even though you know they are a bad match for you (yes, if they just quite simply don’t like you at all, it qualifies at a bad match), or whether you’re in a relationship that you know is bound to fail…they really screw with you emotionally. The worst part about these infatuations is that most of the times, people who are in these situations are in denial. We keep telling ourselves, “it MIGHT” work. And that small glimmer of hope is enough to keep us…hoping.

So how do you get over hopeless infatuations?

1. Admit that it’s not going to work. Denial is the greatest barrier to getting over any addiction. That’s what my high school guidance counselor told me anyways, when she tried to convince me to stop eating Red Velvet Cupcakes. I think she recently got fired for getting caught with drugs. Good thing she told the newspaper reporters that she only does it sometimes, and that she’s not addicted. I was worried about her for a second.
2. LISTEN to the advice of people around you, especially if they’re honest with you. Even though most of it is hypocritical advice that they probably wouldn’t apply to their own lives if they were in the same situation…WHO CARES! It’s important to listen to the people around us who care…even if sometimes they may be a dick about it, especially if they’re like me and they are candid (sometimes…). “Dude, get over it, she doesn’t like you.” The problem with us…is that most of us only want to hear what we WANT to hear. Something along the lines of…”YOU SHOULD KEEP TRYING! Even though it’s an impossible situation, it MIGHT WORK! I know another story, this girl Emily, she was in the SAME SITUATION and she’s now HAPPILY MARRIED!!!! LIKE OMG!!!” Stop surrounding yourself with yes men/yes women, they can be quite poisonous at times.
3. STOP TALKING to the person that you’re infatuated with. Sometimes, you just gotta let it go completely. Every time you talk to them, you think about the relationship, and that thought (even though it usually starts really small), quickly blossoms into a torrent of raging emotion. There comes a point in every failed relationship where, sometimes, you just have to end things completely to be able to move on.
4. Win the psychological battle. There’s always a war that’s going on in our mind about what to do in situations like these. We weigh all the reasons why we “should keep doing it” and then all there reasons why “we should not be doing it”. WIN THE BATTLE. Give yourself more reasons why it’s a BAD idea than a good idea.
5. FOR MEN: CUT OFF YOUR PENIS. Okay, maybe not literally, cause that would be some freaking sadistic freaky-deeky shiza, but stop letting your penis do all the thinking, and listen to your heart and mind…sometimes.

Honestly, the best advice that I can give anyone that’s stuck in a hopeless infatuation, is to just do what you would tell someone else (who is in your EXACT situation) to do. We all know the right answers. We all KNOW when something is a bad idea. As difficult as it is to administer a little self discipline in situations like this…honestly, the best way to get over this kind of crap is to do what you KNOW you should be doing. Which, of course, is to have a one night stand and then move on with your life.

I GIVE GREAT ADVICE, HUH?

Technorati Tags: getting over love addictions, getting over obsession, getting over someone, hopeless love, unrequited love

Let’s say that you’re going out on a date with a girl, and well, things are going pretty well. You guys are laughing, enjoying each other’s company, and the food is delicious. During the course of this awesomeness, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and while you’re taking a pee in the urinal, you notice that your “girl” date walks into the men’s bathroom as well. “What could this mean,” you think with eager anticipation. Could this be one of those “Youtube worthy moments?” Your mind wanders, and  you start thinking about some pretty exciting possibilities of what might happen now that the two of you are alone in this bathroom…until…she unzips her pants, pulls out her penis and takes a piss in the urinal right next to you.

DEAL BREAKER.

OKAY, fine, most likely your deal breakers are not going to be this dramatic. But I mean damn…you have to admit…if this really happened to you. Holy crap. That’s a deal breaker for sure! Ain’t no second date. Ain’t no first date! You’re going to deny that crap ever happened for the rest of your life, and leave the date immediately! That is an FML freaking moment if I ever saw/heard of one.

The example is drastic, but the point is the same: deal breakers are those things that we feel like our dating potential absolutely must have (or not do or not be) in order for us to date them. As in the example above, I think it’s pretty damn important for a “girl” date to actually be a girl, if it’s going to work. But on a more realistic (and practical note), one example of a “deal breaker” could be religion. Religion is obviously a really big issue when it comes to dating because it plays such a significant role in one’s personal value system/upbringing. Oftentimes, if two people have differing religions, it can cause a lot of conflict/guilt/stress in a relationship. Other deal breakers that are common include: drugs, gambling, smoking, stripping…

Deal breakers usually only apply to long term relationships. When it comes to casual dating or flings, most people are a lot more forgiving about these kinds of things. If you know it’s a short term “just because I’m bored” relationship, who cares. However, you really don’t want to start a long term relationship you know is doomed for failure because there are glaring issues that can’t be overlooked. Most of the times, this is really bad strategy.

When it comes to deal breakers, I think one of the most variable issues for women is the idea of money. Some women believe a guy who has lots of money is absolutely indispensable to the whole dating process. And more power to them! Dude, if I were a hot girl, I would be a gold digger. No shame in admitting this. I would just be a hot house-wife. A freaking hot housewife. For all you feminine women out there who want to be independent and make your own money, awesome. I think that’s great. I’m just saying that if it were me, and I were a hot girl…omg. I’m pretty sure I would be a bad person. A bad person!

For guys, on the other hand, something like age may be a very important factor. Some guys want to push the boundaries of young as much as they can, like this 26 year old guy that I just recently heard of who’s dating a 16 year old girl. That’s pretty gross. Others are absolutely against dating women who are older than they are. I mean, this is definitely not true of everyone…for some, the sky is the limit! Cougars? MORE EXPERIENCE BABY. MORE EXPERIENCE! I mean damn…I want a woman who knows how to do all sorts of nasty freaky deaky…

…cooking…you know how much I love that butter and oil greasing up my food!

Deal breakers are drastically different from “secondary issues”. Secondary issues are things that are prefer such as, you know, height, large breasts (perverts, I was talking about male breasts. Gosh. You know how them girls love those super large…pectoral muscles…), and ethnicity…but usually, most people are willing to look past their secondary issues as long as their deal breakers aren’t violated.

With that being said, a lot of secondary issues could be deal-breakers if it’s extreme enough. For instance, you may not care that much about height, unless you’re a six foot woman and the guy who’s pursuing you is a 5’1″ guy. I mean…dude. Think about logistical things like the freaking wedding. How awkward would those pictures be. He’s going to have to stand on a freaking table to kiss you when the priest says, “you may now kiss the bride.” GAWD. That would be pretty damn awkward.

So the next time you go out on a blind date, and the girl you’re on a date with rips a loud ass fart in the middle of dinner, giggles, and says something to the extent of, “What? Girl’s fart, too?”

THINK LONG AND HARD MY FRIEND. THINK LONG AND HARD. (AND NO THIS IS NOT A PUN. MAYBE.)

Technorati Tags: dating deal breakers, deal breakers, Deal Breakers in Relationships, Things my boyfriend must have

The nice guy. You either know of one, or quite possibly you are one. It’s good to be the nice guy, and you should definitely not feel too bad about it. However, when it comes to dating, the nice guy really does finish last. And I know that a lot of girls out there protest this statement, on some idealistic level, but honestly, not very many girls really date “nice guys”.

When I say nice guy, I’m talking about those guys of whom people (usually girls) always say something like, “he is so amazing and one of these days he’s going to find a wonderful wife.” But then, when someone asks them if they would ever date “the nice guy”, they quickly blurt out some statement about how “oh, no, I mean, we’re just friends…” or “no, I don’t think we’re compatible…”

What most girls do is they friend nice guys. And they expect the nice guys to be nice to them, without expecting to date. And when the nice guy ends up liking the girl eventually (because really guys and girls can’t be friends), she gets offended that he would dare betray/destroy their relationship. Gawd. I don’t know why, but as I’m writing this, I feel such an overwhelming sense of bitterness. Bitterness.

Here are six reasons why I believe nice guys finish last, when it comes to dating. Two points to make here before I begin. #1. Some of my points are going to sound similar in nature, but there are specific nuances to each that I want to tackle. #2. When I make blanket statements, know that they are blanket statements. I know there may be people who are not like this. But, I think in general, these statements are true. A lot of girls WANT to believe that they genuinely like nice guys…but when you take a look at their dating record, and the people that they usually end up liking…”the nice guy” rarely makes that list.

1.) Girls are attracted to power and status. Having a strong personality exhibits power and status, and as such people who are aggressive, dominating, arrogant, etc. exude confidence, security, and strength. These are qualities that girls are normally attracted to. In general, women want to feel secure and comfortable with the guys they end up dating. And nice guys just don’t give them that sense of security on some of these levels…unless the nice guy is rich. That’s why it’s so important to develop your confidence.

2.) Nice guys are too nice. The problem with a lot of nice guys is that they’re just too nice. It’s kind of suffocating. I mean, it’s cute, definitely. And we all like nice people, no doubt. But when it comes to dating, nice guys can be a bit over the top and suffocating at times. Nice guys are the perfect friend, quite possibly an incredible husband (in the future), but make “not so fun and exciting” boyfriends.

3.) Nice guys are too sacrificial. A nice guy type of scenario is this: if you like a girl, and some other guy likes the same girl…then as “the nice guy” you’re going to just let the other guy go after the girl. You tell yourself stuff like, “she’ll be happier with him”. This is fine…for everyone besides you. Obviously, if you don’t pursue the girl you’re not going to get the girl. There are always going to be other guys liking the girls that you want to date. It’s a part of life. If you keep letting other guys take the girls that you want to date…well then you’re going to be lonely and miserable for a long time.

4.) Similarly, nice guys aren’t assertive enough. The thought process of a nice guy before he calls a girl, or talks to her online is…”I really don’t want to offend her”, or “I don’t want to waste her time”, or “what if she’s sleeping or busy or doesn’t want to talk right now”, or “I don’t want to make her uncomfortable…”? These kinds of questions are stupid (unless you’re calling at like 3AM, in which case, you’re not only the nice guy but the dumb guy), and are the reason why you’re not successful when pursuing a girl. Don’t worry about all that stuff, just let what happens happen. If the girl is too busy or is uninterested in talking to you, then she’ll let you know (sometimes subtly, of course). However, if you don’t call/gchat at all on some theoretical “she may not be available” premise, then you skip out on one of the most important aspects of a relationship: communication.

5.) Nice guys are normally super idealistic. Nice guys spend too much time in their rooms, lonely, thinking and dreaming about the girl of their dreams. As a result of this, they’re normally way too idealistic in terms of what they want. This is especially true in their approach to dating. Nice guys believe that if they hang out with a girl long enough, the girl will eventually see their awesomeness and change their perspective about him. This may be true, and quite possibly may on some small percentage chance actually happen…but more often than not, the opposite extreme happens: boy likes girl, girl never likes boy, boy becomes bitter and no longer “the nice guy”, but “bitter man”.

6.) Nice guys are in a lose-lose situation in the girl department. Loud, extrovert girls are generally not attracted to nice guys in their earlier days because they want to go and do fun things, like go clubbing, dancing, partying, etc. (or something similar), and it’s not that the nice guy doesn’t want to do those things…but usually, doesn’t have the extrovert personality to really be successful at those types of events. Nice guys usually can’t dance, are too respectful of a woman’s body to dance too close to them (or don’t want to offend the girl or something), and…well they’re just not that flirty. On the other hand, nice guys are usually not assertive enough to pursue a quiet, introvert type girl…and the same can be said for the quiet introvert girl…leaving both nice guy and nice girl in a stalemate. Bottom line is, nice guys usually go after the wrong type of girls.

With that being said, is it a bad thing to finish last? I don’t really know. The earlier days (High School, College and some of Post-Grad) are definitely depressing and lonely, but when nice guys finally win…they usually WIN. It’s tough to say, though. One thing I will say is everyone can do with a bit more assertiveness and confidence. This isn’t just for dating, but for life in general. If you’re always a push-over, it’s going to be tough to get things done in life…and people will take advantage of you.

My ultimate advice is this: don’t stop being nice. But go after the things that you want, and don’t be so afraid to offend people that you always choose to do nothing instead of something. Furthermore, according to CNN.COM, if you want more dates, you have to, at least somewhat, ditch the “too nice” personality type. http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/04/14/mr.nice.guy.backlash/index.html?iref=allsearch

Technorati Tags: dating theory, nice guys, nice guys dating, nice guys finish last, why nice guys finish last

Rejection. That word sends shivers down the spines of so many men, women…and…others?…out there, that quite frankly many of us do everything that’s within our power to avoid this feeling. And to be quite frank, on many levels, it sucks. It sucks when you ask a girl/guy out on a date, and they come up with some brilliant excuse like they have to wash their hair…or something along those lines. Unless you’re the type of person that lives in perpetual denial, and always finds some way to reason things out. “Oh…she has to wash her hair?  Well…hmm that’s a weird excuse, but I guess it makes sense cause, you know, girls are always washing their hair and stuff…” 

SUCKER.

The thing about rejection that stings the most is the fact that many of us put ourselves on pedestals. We all think secretly inside, “If only she/he knew how wonderful I am on the inside and how great of a person I am! Then he/she would lovvvveeeee meeeee!!!!!” Either that, or it’s the opposite extreme and you have no self confidence at all whatsoever. Hopefully that’s not the case–trust me, this is the worst place to be in. Find a way to build up your confidence. Start asking girls/guys to dinner that you know will say yes (you know, mom, dad, sister, brother…hey man every yes is a confidence booster). And keep things in perspective! Because no matter how bad it gets, it can’t get as bad as one of my friends who got rejected to prom by seven different girls (was it eight?) In one day. Seven. You read that correctly. And he still has…some…swag. (Sorry friend in question when you read this. HAHAHA).

For those who think they are amazing, and know that once the girl/guy gives you a chance they will see how amazing you are too…well, I mean, you’re probably right–everyone has attractive qualities about them…okay, well most people do anyways. But there’s something to be said about initial attraction and chemistry that can’t be overlooked. And this is the tricky part when we discuss the idea of whether or not a person is interested in us.

The reality is this: there are sooo many elements of initial attraction. Unless you’re some Alpha Male who gets pretty much all the ladies (without much exhausted effort, might I add), the reality is…dating is hard. Finding two people who work together in terms of chemistry, personality, life goals, etc…it’s hard work. That’s why, honestly, you shouldn’t be offended if someone doesn’t…like you.

THE PROBLEM with most of us is that its hard for us to escape TUNNEL VISION. Tunnel Vision is when you get your eyes set on this PARTICULAR girl/guy, and no matter how hard you try to shake it off, you fall in love with them. Your emotions swell up every time they are in the room. It’s so easy for you to talk to other people, but when you’re trying to talk to that person that you’re attracted to, OMG do the words seem to have the freaking hardest time making it out of your mouth. Before you have phone conversations, you rehearse all the things you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it…but once the conversation starts…F Y L.

Tunnel Vision is dangerous. Tunnel Vision blinds us, and makes us overcommit to a relationship that may or may not have some foundation to hold it in place. Tunnel Vision makes us think that this one girl or this one guy is the one person that you’re compatible with in the entire world!!! And most of the times, it happens because we don’t really put ourselves out there, and so the moment we meet an interesting person that we find ourselves attracted to, we cling on for dear life.

Tunnel Vision is fine if the relationship works. But, overcommitting to a relationship before you know there is mutual interest is really dangerous. So how do you handle rejection? Here are some things I’ve learned along the way…not that…i’ve….been…rejected…that…many……..times.

FML.

1.) Avoid Tunnel Vision. I’ve already talked about this, but, the best way to handle rejection is to just avoid it all together. If you keep your emotions at bay, and commit little of your emotions before you know there’s something actually there (don’t fall in love with someone before you know that they have interest in you as well), then you’ll be able to keep things in perspective and not get too heart broken when (and if) DTR ever happens and you find out that the person doesn’t like you at all. Keep your options open, don’t overcommit to one person.

2.) Keep Things in Perspective. There are so many guys/girls/others in this world, that honestly, one failed attempt isn’t the end of the world! Don’t forget that there is so much that goes into attraction. All of us are, for some subconscious reason or another, attracted to a certain type of person. The layers of this are infinite: we all look for certain physical traits/characteristics, as well as emotional characteristics, personality characteristics, etc. There are ethnicity things to factor in, cultural aspects, religious/spiritual preferences, sexual orientation preferences (pursuing a guy who is gay will probably not work out very favorable for you if you are a girl or visa versa)…I mean, the list of things to consider when you discuss attraction is endless.

So don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t like you. It doesn’t mean you suck. It just means this one person (out of the 6 billion people in the world) doesn’t like you. Even if you’re like my friend who got rejected 7 times, 7 girls is really not that many girls in the grand scheme of things. Well…7 in one day though…that’s…uh…something entirely different. Haha.

3.) Rationalize why it wouldn’t have worked anyways. I know this is a cheap trick. But honestly, your brain is one of your strongest allies when we deal with things like emotion. Our hearts go crazy, but our brains ground us. One of the best ways to deal with rejection is to, after it’s all said and done, force your brain to take over your thought making process (not that brain, guys).

So if you talk to someone, and you really liked them, but they don’t like you back…well let your brain do its thing. Let it convince you that there are many other girls/guys in the world. Let it convince you that, honestly, when you really think about it, they weren’t that good for you anyways. Let your brain do some talking here, because it’ll help you cope with the pain of rejection. And if all else fails, go into your closet and cry.

Technorati Tags: Dealing with Rejection, Handling Rejection, how to get over rejection, how to handle rejection