I’m actually kinda scared to point you to my new website because it is heart-full of what I really want to say and offer and who I really am right now. It seems that I’ve been lying in safety for my entire life compared with the leap of faith off this particular cliff.

I’m scared but I’ll do it anyway because:

i want to make space
to shed old selves
for fertile ground
and watch
with fearsome delight
at what begins to sprout

i want to meet the bigger me
i haven’t grown into yet

i want to be the least edited
version of myself that i can stand
and then
a little more me than that

i want to know
i am doing what i came here for
and i want to feel good living it

And this is how it goes.

I haven’t finished writing my book yet (it continues to demand longer portions of my life, despite my hurried nudges), but you can find a preview of it here.

Goodbye here, and will you meet me there?

www.heyellie.com

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♥ x a million,
Hayley

Which was kind of unconsciously on purpose.

But I’m ready to write about it now.

I’m definitely definitely definitely not going to stop blogging. I heart it way too much. I’m moving my words to a new website, which I’m in the midst of putting together. When it’s ready, I’ll post the link here so you can find me. That will probably be next week sometime.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of digging into myself to step up to what I feel I’m being called to do. Lots and lots of growing pains. And hibernating.

I’m ready.

The new space will be more spiritual, more imaginative, more of who I am and what I deeply want to offer.

My new webspace will be a place to:

• feel okay to just be, without having anything prodding us to do something or get somewhere or learn something
• feel heard, validated, understood and not alone in our pain and shame and fear and confusion and everything else that hurts us
• throw around ideas about interacting with ourselves and our lives in a way that is grounded in real acceptance and appreciation for both light and dark aspects of ourselves
• be inspired in a way that means that I am not the source of the inspiration, rather, each brilliant soul remembers that we are our own source
• be equals, where no one’s ideas are more valuable than anyone else’s – especially not mine – and the only thing that matters is our individual inner direction
• make sense of our journey because we’re all in this together
• be involved in a culture of imagination, acceptance, wholeness and vulnerability

And in the spirit of all of those, I have so many ideas about things to offer you.

My first offering is a book.

I’ve been writing it for about a month, and I haven’t told many people about it because I was scared that others’ reflections of my own self-doubt would squash it.

At this point, it is unsquashable, and it is nearly finished. Here is the title:

Love Trumps Achievement: Soul Balm for Healing Creative Self-Sabotage

It is filled with all the wisdom that I myself needed to stick with and write this book (after a very long trail of left-behind, unfinished projects and confusion about what to do with my creativity). It’s not a workbook and there’s nothing to do. I’m not interested in giving advice. It is soothing reminder of who we are underneath. It’s filled with acceptance, rememberance and my own stories.

I’m really excited to share it with you.

And I hope you’ll join me there.

xo

I’ve been avoiding writing in you.

It’s not you, it’s me.

You see, I’ve had you for around two years now, and I haven’t always been around, but you’ve always been there to take my ideas when I felt like throwing them. Thank you for that, you’re a good catch (ahah, see what I did there?).

You’ve followed my journey through my changing focuses – overconsumption, sewing, thrifting, personal style, self-work, self-acceptance, creativity, spirituality. And you’ve been very patient with the unfinished projects I promised you.

You tell the story of this discovering, experimenting period of my life.

And now it’s time for my new story to start. I have outgrown you, dearest.

Here is why.

I have conversations with my soul, and a cast of other characters in my head for fun, insight and direction (which I take very seriously). I meditate regularly (but erratically) and spend more time in meditation crying, grunting, heaving and jolting than sitting peacefully. When I am alone I dance or sing or shout in the face of resistance and confusion. I have more showers and baths than a normal person probably does and I wash my fear down the drain with the water.

I make choices for no apparent reason other than I know that’s the choice I need to make. I’m okay with being confusing and although I am interested in feeling responses, I don’t believe I need to explain myself further about what I choose to do with my life.

I’m very sensitive and, having lived comparatively numb for most of my life, I like it this way, because how can I know what I need if I’ve turned off my senses, and how can I possibly be available to joy without feeling?

I call on angels for healing, and consider them more competent at it than psychologists, even if I’m not entirely sure I believe in their existence (the angels, not the shinks).

I see astrology and numerology as super useful and fun insights into the self, because the truth of them is less relevant than the questions and revelations they bring up within me, and when I delve in, I always encounter both in spades.

I consider my imagination as important as my reality. I don’t care whether a thing is “real” or not. If I suspend my disbelief, surrender my defenses, and go with the weird thing I’ve made up or heard about — if I do all that and then feel more at peace with myself as a result, that is all the truth I need.

I believe in the inherent divinity of all things and the power of unconditional love. I believe no one is wrong, that reality is perfect and that when I can’t see that, I’m believing a lie that causes me to suffer.

I don’t believe in right and wrong or good or bad. The polarities that I see are hurt and healing, suffering and joy, fear and love, disconnection and connection. I believe that both the light and the dark of all these sides come together and are necessary for our greatest benefit, if we are open to seeing it.

I believe that soul, spirit and energy are tangible, reliable guidance systems.

I believe the most important thing in life is to feel good, because there is love there, and when we are in love with ourselves and our life, we are overflowing. Pure, loving service to others comes naturally as an additional gift.

I believe I’m supposed to be divulging all this, even though it might cause some people to turn away.

There. I am out of this closet.

Dearest blog, these things don’t quite fly with you, I can feel it. And I understand.

So I’m moving on to a new space to tell my new stories of love, light, dark, healing and ridiculousness. I want to be more of myself in a place where I am completely and warmly welcomed. I want be more vulnerably truthful. I want to move my ego aside so I can offer more to the lovelies who visit me.

I’ll be back once more when I’m ready to point the way to my new space.

So long for now, and thanks for all the fish.

Love,
Hayley

I wrote a piece on depression and anxiety for the In Good Company Project, which is a place for stories and togetherness about the shadow side of human existance.

Wanna see?