All birthday’s are special. I’m feeling especially grateful for mine this year…and since I’ve always loved the song, “32 Flavors” (Alana Davis or Ani DiFranco’s rendition), I thought I’d share 32 tid-bits of wisdom from my 32-year-old heart, mind and soul.

1. Buy multiple pairs of underwear you like – you never know if they will get discontinued
2. Invest in good pillows
3. Wear sunscreen
4. Never pass up an opportunity to pee
5. Chill your wine
6. Put on extra zit cream and leave it in a glob on said zit overnight – may not be pretty, but it works
7. Wear your seat-belt – or as O-man calls it, “Your backseat”
8. Learn to communicate with your loved ones
9. Always carry a tampon
10. Don’t be afraid to fail
11. Love yourself deeply
12. Forgive others
13. Forgive YOURSELF
14. Blog even when you don’t feel like you have anything to say
15. Find your perfect shade of lip stick
16. Write thank you notes
17. Read outside of your comfort zone
18. Try new foods
19. Learn to love and abuse the SAVE/Backup option for any technology you own
20. Never take a laxative and sleeping pill on the same night
21. Always use a turn signal
22. Ask for help
23. Treasure your genuine friends
24. Thank your mother – often
25. Color sort your M&M’s
26. Even when you don’t know where you’re going – know where you’re NOT going
27. Don’t use Facebook as a way to gauge your success in life
28. Recycle
29. Clean your kitchen before going to bed
30. Don’t worship the scale
31. Music is magic – it can lift you from the deepest, darkest corners
32. Take the high road

When crappy stuff happens to you, if you’re like every other human being on the planet you ask, “Why me?!”

I asked that question a BUNCH when we began trying to build our family – all our friends had no problems getting pregnant, and had no infertility issues: “Why me?!”

But then a wonderful thing happened – I found a community of people just like me trying to start a family and I have since found some of my closest and dearest friends through that journey.

Now I’m faced with a different journey – one that actually still makes the infertility journey feel so raw all over again.

My biopsy did not come back clean – my journey to beat this cancer is just beginning. And I’ve found myself asking out loud, to my friends/family: “Why me?!”

But then in other conversations with my mom and my church pastor, we’ve discussed the harder side of that statement: “Why not me?”

Someone is diagnosed with skin cancer every eight minutes. And it just so happens, I fell into that eight minute window.

Trust me, I’m FAR from zen about this whole thing. This is about as zen as I’ve gotten the past week:

Taking a moment out of my day to appreciate life's beautiful artwork

I’m actually pretty angry. I’ve been scared, loopy, hopeful, terrified – a FULL range of emotions as I’ve waited out the test results from my surgery last week. I keep asking to anyone who’s listening: “When is it going to be enough?” Right now, I’m not sure I believe the statements: “We are never given anything we can’t handle” or “This too shall pass” because frankly, I’m not sure if I can handle this and when I’m told by my oncologist that this may be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life …well, that doesnt feel like something that shall pass!

But then again, maybe its just the anger talking. Especially since Mook and I had the conversation yesterday (on Mother’s Day of all days) that we are closing the book on expanding our family. I don’t think I’ll ever give up that tiny 1% chance of hope that our “jeans” could be passed on just by ::gasp:: having SEX, but we definitely won’t do any more treatment, and have decided not to pursue adoption. (it’s hard even typing that)

The focus obviously is shifting to making sure I get better and as always – remember how freaking lucky I am to be O-man’s Mommy. I don’t take that for granted for one second. But it still aches to know that with this additional lemon being thrown into our lives, that we had to come to this decision sooner than we would have liked.

My lymph nodes are clear (as of now) the surrounding tissue, is wracked with abnormal cells – as were the margins around the skin that was taken out during surgery last week. So, I’m incredibly thankful that the timing of all of this saved me from advancing quicker into Stage III – I’m hoping I’ll hang in with Stage II until I can whip this thing.

Starting interferon injections next week for the next 6 months – let’s hope I don’t barf on too many shoes in the process.

So yes, universe – “Why not me?” This isn’t my choice for how to enter into my 32nd year of life, but if I can encourage a few people who may read this post to go get their skin checked, then maybe I’ll help someone with early detection. I will find a way to turn this experience into something(s) positive.

But today? This sucks. (just being honest) I’ll ebb and flow between all the above emotions – so now that I know what’s ahead of me, I can tackle one day at a time….

Just when I was getting my feet planted on the ground…

Just when I thought I could handle managing the unknown and grey area for the next few months…

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly handle anything else…

I got a phone call this past Friday morning as I was driving to work from my dermatologists office. I had gone in last Tuesday for my 6 month checkup from the issues I was having last year – and YAY, all was clear – the Bowen’s Disease is under control and managed by topical cream, and no re-growth on the mole I had removed last year. However, she did remove a suspicious mole that had been on her radar (aka, my chart) the past year – but I didnt give it much thought. I left feeling good.

I was happy to have ALL my doctor’s appointments behind me for a least a little while, so when I answered the phone call and it was my doctor and not the nurse, I pulled into a parking lot, because when the doctor calls, its usually not to tell you good news.

That mole biopsy came back as melanoma – CRAP. I drove straight to see Mook – he was just down the road getting his yearly physical, and I caught him just before he went in for his appointment. Thank goodness – because I collapsed into a huge mess – I could not believe what I had just heard, and above anything else in that moment, I was ANGRY.

How much more can my body handle? And more importantly, how much more can I handle mentally? This past weekend was HARD. Really hard. We knew Friday that it was already Stage II based on the margins, so not knowing if it has progressed past that left us with a long weekend of questioning/waiting.

Yesterday I went in for the surgical procedure to remove a large chunk of skin – its between my shoulder blades right on my spine. 45 stitches later, and we are back in the waiting game for this next pathology report.

So, I’m sorry these updates continue to feel like a boxing TKO – I am still in a bit of a shocked state, and am just taking life one day at a time….

And no, I’m not talking about the oh-so-popular Fifty Shades of Grey * that so many are gossiping about by the water cooler.

This grey-area is far less awesome.

First, it’s not cancer – you could practically see the weight come off my shoulders when I heard the doctor (yes my doctor rocks, and called me personally). Unfortunately, there is the word cancer in the report: precancerous cells.

So yes, I’m thrilled. I feel blessed. I am happy that it’s NOT cancer.

But for the rest of the diagnosis and follow-up steps, there is a lot of grey area.

Because the entire mass contained abnormal/precancerous cells (along with the surrounding tissue) I will go back in 4 weeks and have a laser ablation of the lining of my uterus. More bleeding. Yay. (I have kept ‘Always’ in business the past 4 months) Birth control for the next 3 months, and a follow-up endometrial biopsy in August.

I realize that sounds like a pretty decisive diagnosis and treatment plan – it is … in theory. For me mentally? It leaves the book open – this chapter cannot be closed. I am left in limbo – and I guess, no -I know I’m just damn tired of living in health-limbo.  I’m not black-and-white healthy and I must remain in this grey  area while my body chugs along and figures out how to reset. It’s also the added heart/B12/thyroid issues that I have to keep on top of – I have 4 more weeks of B12 injections and 3 more months of beta blockers – so later this summer? I’m gonna EXPECT my body to be back with the program and on track, dammit.

It could be worse. So much worse. I know that. But I’m not going to spout sunshine because that’s really not how I feel. I will get there – time heals. But right now, I’m allowing myself to be OK with being upset that I don’t have clearer answers.

I am going to get back to walking, since I’ve been cleared to do that – and my hope is that the exercise will help my mental health as well. And being able to blog again – well that’s an excellent medicine all by itself! Thanks for all the well-wishes and support – I’ve been recouping this week and I’m grateful for the TLC from my family and friends.

*Yes, Ive read Fifty Shades of Grey – talk about turning fifty shades of RED when my mother asked me if I had read it. Hi Mom *

Thank you for joining us for this BREAKING NEWS story – we will cover a lot in a short amount of time, so stay tuned for further news as we receive it.

JJ was last seen at a computer blogging before her husband’s (aka: Mook’s) esophagus surgery in September of last year – here is what we have gathered has happened since that time:

• Mook had a successful surgery with a lengthy recovery time, but is doing well and back to running around with O-man
• JJ took a leap of faith and did something she hadn’t done in six years: auditioned for a musical … and got the lead! That kept her occupied and in a blissful state through the holiday season.
• JJ got pneumonia post-blissful state … she reportedly does not recommend visiting an Urgent Care facility on New Years day.
• JJ loved above blissful state so much, that she auditioned for another theater production – and threw in a movie audition for kicks. Both ventures successful, the creative outlets provided JJ with a great sense of self-fulfillment – much needed after the trials and tribulations of 2011.
• O-man turned three in February – both JJ and Mook were overheard saying “What a JOY he is – and how lucky we are to have this (not so) little boy making us smile every day…”
• Mook started blogging!
• JJ began noticing that the adrenaline rush she was getting on stage was extending past the curtain call – fast/irregular and sometimes painful heart palpitations. Not to mention a seemingly never ending cycle that brought on heavy bleeding at times. Off to the doctor she went.
• Shortened version before we go to commercial break: it was worth going to the doctor. JJ has a severe B12 deficiency, a ventricular tachycardia condition – and to top it all off: the cause of the never-ending cycle, (a quote obtained directly from JJ’s physician), “a suspicious non-fibroid-uterine-tumor” that is being removed this Friday. Anxious feelings surround the Jeans household.
• We now break in with a special statement from JJ:
• “I may not know exactly where this blog is headed, but I’m happy to have the computer keys under my fingers again. The enter key never felt so good. Thanks for being here with me.”
  

We appreciate you tuning in for tonight’s BREAKING NEWS. Please stay tuned for more news and non-third person reporting (aka: blogging) in the very near future…..

Clearing the cobwebs…and dusting off the blog….

(Mook is healing well–thanks for all your thoughts!)

I was so happy to hear that Ms. JW Moxie over at The Smartness was bringing Sock It To Me back this fall! Who knew that a pair of socks could make so many people giddy? Oh, they do.

Ive sent and received some rockin’ socks the past few years Ive participated, and this Sockeroo was no different.

This time around, I received not one, but THREE pair of awesome socks from the lovely Amy @ Justamere IVF — and I will put all to good use, since it’s about this time of year that my toes begin to freeze and won’t thaw until next July. :: fact ::

Looky, looky at my awesome knee highs (my favorite kind of sock, too) ——->

And yes, those are bluebirds on the last pair of socks – thanks again, Amy! I apprecaite you helping me feel warm and fuzzy — not only my toes, but being such a great bloggy friend!

My alarm clock went off at 3:30 am this morning, although I may as well not have gone to sleep at all.

The bed was quietly made, showers were taken, a look in at our sleeping O-man, and then Mook and I headed out for the hospital.

We checked in at 5am for his looooong awaited stomach surgery, and while I sat quietly and refrained from talking much (how I deal when Im nervous/anxious), Mook was busy chattering and making jokes with the nurse (how he deals when he’s nervous/anxious)

The only possession he was allowed to take into surgery with him was a picture he took of me and O-man last night – and the sweet kiss that we shared before he was wheeled into the holding room, was one I’ll remember for a long time.

Just remind me of that sweet memory next week when I am complaining about my whiny/needy patient – hah!

So while I wait in the crowded waiting room while Mook goes through a 5 hour surgery, I’m thankful for the distraction of WiFi and my fabulous friends. I’ve asked my twitter peeps to help keep me distracted by doing a fun Q&A with me today.

——>  Q&A Session <—–

Here we go

@Seussgirl asked:

• Favorite color M&M? : The tan ones that are no longer in the standard bag — they were discontinued right before the blue M&M was introduced.
• Favorite vacation?  My honeymoon to Cabo San Lucas – 2 weeks of bliss
• Favorite date with Mook?  To a little Mexican restaurant our last week of college – loved every moment of that evening.

@Alison1L asked:

• How many states have you visited? Ok, Ms. Alison, you definitely gave me a good distraction – was that planned?! I had to pull up a map and count. And the answer is: 24 — and I’d like to add Nebraska to that number

@NotAMyrtle asked:

• What is your favorite coffee and what’s your favorite coffee flavoring? I was previously in love with Starbucks. Then a Dunkin’ Donuts opened down the street, and I was hooked. I don’t use any flavoring: just steamed skim milk and 2 Splendas

@jandj621 asked:

• Could you investigate great ideas for Christmas presents? For husband and sisters-in-law. I’ve leaned heavily on sites like Etsy for personal gifts that revolve around something the person I am buying for likes OR that has a special meaning between me and the recipient. Hope that helps?
  
• Do you have an iPad? How can I justify the purchase for my own Christmas present? No – but honey, you and I are on the SAME page. I need to figure out a way to gift myself one too. Here’s an idea. You buy one for me, I buy one for you. Solved!
  
•  I always like seeing people’s days…your schedule on a typical day. What helps you be productive? You must have read my mind – Im doing a post soon of an hour by hour day in my life! Stay tuned…
  

@pregnantjust asked:

• Wheres the best place you’ve ever been on vacation and why? Ill change up my answer a bit from the one I gave @Alison1L. Other than my honeymoon, Id have to say the Outer Banks with my family each summer – I love the tradition of it, and its a beautiful place
  

@lisasjogren asked:

• How do you reduce stress? Sing, walk with some jammin’ tunes on my iPod, clean something
  
• Do you swear? Hell yes. I need to work on this…
  
• If you could have any job, what would it be? Feel blessed to be a mom — hardest, best job ever.
  
• What was your first car? 1988 Ford Marquis — a beast!
  
• Were you popular in high school? I had friends in each click. I was a floater.
  
• Do you like thunderstorms? Love them – except in the middle of the night
  
• Is the glass half empty or half full? Doesn’t matter – Im bound to spill it.
  
• What type of music do you dislike most? Can I just name a band? I like a little bit of everything, but I am not in any way shape or form a fan of Nickelback.
  
• Are you a risk taker? Yes
  
• What is your bedtime? Usually 11 or later. Another thing I need to work on…
  
• Can you handle the truth? Id rather have the truth, even though I may not always be able to handle it.
  

@LadyforaBaby asked:

Blogger,  Melis.sa asked:

• This is my go-to nonsense question: If your hand suddenly turned into a donut what would you do? Would you nibble on it at all? Would you wrap it in saran wrap and try to preserve it? This truly made me LOL in the waiting room — what a fun question — and one I really had to think about! Because, um, I LOVE donuts. Id have good intentions and wrap it up, but there’s no doubt in my mind Id end up nibbling.
  

@BumpyJourney asked:

• What weird habits do you have? How much time do you have to read them is the question? I can’t have an odd number of e-mails in my inbox, I have to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the bathroom, I think numbers have male/female genders–i.e. #1 is male, #4 is female, etc. — I think this is from watching Sesame Street.
  

@Rottenstinker asked:

• Favorite all time date with Mook and why? I mentioned a mexican meal dinner date in response to another similar question — so my other favorite date was when he and I were in NYC together last year — we had just left a show, and were walking back to the hotel looking at all the holiday decorations and it started to snow. Incredibly romantic and we enjoyed every second.
  
• She asked me to share my Jersey Shore name and why: Bubbles. My Jersey Shore name was given to me during O-man’s 1st birthday party weekend. I’m an accident waiting to happen (I sliced my finger with a knife that weekend) so they all told me I needed to live in a bubble. Hence, Bubbles. I can fist pump with the best of ‘em, yo!
  

 @KLTTX asked:

• How about if you research all the new fall shows for us and tell us which ones look good? Oh man, I foam at the mouth during fall TV season — all the new premier and my favorites coming back! I have to be honest, I don’t know too much about the new shows coming out — the one I am looking forward to is: New Girl on Fox. And Im looking forward to NCIS:LA to return.
  

*Update* Surgery went well — some small issues during the procedure, but he had a great surgeon team. Long/painful recovery ahead, but we’re both thankful to be on the other side of this and begin the healing process!

May your Wednesday be full of the spice of life.