Hello My Retail Peeps!

I am in the midst of writing a hilarious new retail hell book called RETURN TO THE BIG FANCY (to be released this fall in hardcover by Adams Media). It follows my adventures over the course of a year as I try to become a Super Seller and win a 30% discount! The new tale is full of crazy custys, corporate ridiculousness, and coworker hell - it's Retail Hell on steroids and you will love it! If you worked with me and have any memories or your own Big Fancy nightmares with sales sharks and corporate, send me a message on Facebook! 

--Freeman

*NOTE ABOUT THIS BLOG PAGE: I will no longer be posting on this page because it has become repetitive and time consuming (but I will leave the current posts). I do all of my personal posting on my other blog RETAIL HELL UNDERGROUND, which you have a blast checking out! It's Tales of the Crypt meets Retail Hell with stories from service industry workers and LOL pics and videos! CLICK the logo below!

From Retail Hell Underground's blogger Bookslave:

Bookstore Slave with a message.

Every male who believes himself SUPERIOR to women should branded with an iron stating "Ungrateful Bastard." A woman gave birth you, and without us, it's just you and Lefty or Righty. And if you can't STAND the fact that some OMFG WOMAN OMFG is trying to be nice and give you some help, then take a flying leap. Otherwise, man up and change your fucking attitude...

Dude: Hey I can't find this sheet of instructions in dis book.

Me, thinking he missed it: "Oh it's in a weird place. It's on page..."

Dude, cutting me off and snarling: I'M NOT STUPID!

Me: I didn't say you were, I just thought...

Dude, snarling some more: I'm not stupid! It's not in my book.

Me: Ooookayyy...

Well excuse me for not knowing that that particular book was a defect, I mean, after all it's all my fucking fault that my vagina interferes with my ESP.

Dude was silent for a full minute, then grunts grudgingly: Well... thank you for trying to help me.

It's WAY too fucking late for a "thank you". I tried to help and you bit my head off. Try an apology instead you Ungrateful Bastard.

*** 

Douche comes into the store with a pack of friends and loudly talks to his buddies when I'm assisting the group in finding what they want.

Douche to a co-worker who walked past on another mission: So do y'all have [product we don't carry]? (obviously wasn't listening )

Me: No, sir, as I told your buddies, we do not.

Douche snarling: I wasn't talking to you I was talking to HER! *gestures to the startled looking co-worker*

Fellow customer (not part of the group): Hey, try showing some respect! She just told you that a minute ago.

Douche: YOU WANT RESPECT?! HERE'S MY RESPECT! FUCK YOU! 

I just... What was... I don't even...

Douche's Buddy: Dude, whut...Awesome Manager: Okay, that's it, OUT!

Douche to me: Fucking bitch I didn't ask you!

Awesome Manager: I said get out. You're not making your case with your swearing.

Douche: I'm not trying to make my case I'm telling her what I think of her.

Awesome Manager got him to leave, but he came back the next day, trying to be allowed in by apologizing for his behavior. Manager McSpineless accepted his apology and let him continue to come into the store. I made the decision to simply not acknowledge his presence whenever he entered the store, and kept the number of Security on hand in case he tried to blame ME for his getting in trouble. Needless to say I didn't work at that establisment very long.

Look asshole, asking somebody else the same question I just answered won't help you much. If you're a a misogynist, at least mutter "thanks" and walk away and your interaction is over and done with with a minimum of pain.

May all your customers be nice,

--Bookstore Slave

Report from Orlando Sentinel:

“Absolutely Fabulous” returns Jan. 8 with the first of three new specials. The episode will premiere at 10 that night on BBC America and Logo.

Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley will once again play Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone.

Saunders wrote the new episodes. No premiere dates were announced for the other two specials.

Also returning will be actresses Julia Sawalha, Jane Horrocks and June Whitfield.

Joanna Lumley also has a role in ”Mistresses,” which returns at 10 p.m. Jan. 18 on BBC America. It will be the third and final season for the drama.

BBC America provided this preview: ”It’s been a while since we last saw the girls and a lot has changed. Two years have passed and the once-unbreakable bond between best friends Katie, Trudi, Jessica and Siobhan has been shattered.”

Oh, no.

via blogs.orlandosentinel.com

Classic LOL scene posted on RHU many times: Patsy as a sales associate.

<3 Eddie and Patsy! Fabulous as ever!

A bit of shopping!

Jennifer was recently on Graham Norton (it was awesome) and then premiered a clip of the special.

The Aberzombie Ab Army. You will do as they say.

Audition line for the Abercrombie Fucks Fitch porno?

My gay brother will love this!

 
Birdwatching at it's best!

A moment of adults having fun = a lifetime of therapy.

Thanks, but no we aren't into three-ways.

Yeah, well if you don't come up with the 50 bucks for the photos your gonna wish you weren't such a fat ass. And no we don't take credit cards, bitch.

From Retail Hell Underground blogger NC Tony

After all the positive feedback I got from last year's list, I decided to make another one for this year. I promised it, so here it is, the Retail Slaves Wish List 2011. This is by no means a complete list, so let me know what I may have forgotten.

Baby pictures: For those of you who don't (yet)/don't want to have children, you can now have wallet sized pictures of adorable babies to carry around. Why? For the next entitled idiot that threatens to get you fired!

Crusty: I don't like the way I was treated, I want to talk to your supervisor. I'm going to get you fired.

You (pulling out baby pictures): Could you do me a favor?

Crusty: What?

You (showing her pictures of adorable babies): Could you explain to my son(s)/daughter(s) [insert appropriate guilt trip such as baby needs an operation, why they won't be getting any presents this birthday/Christmas, basic needs like food and shelter]?

Those of you with children simply need to carry around pictures of your kids when they were babies, even if they are old enough to have jobs and families themselves. If you look too old to have young children simply refer to the angel faced cherubs in the pictures as your grandchildren. Available in boys and girls (mix and match for multiple children to heap on the guilt).

Fake smile: Does your face hurt from having to paste on a fake smile for every entitled asshole that comes through your line? Are you sick and tired of having to grin and bear it when some dickhead yells and screams at you for upholding company policy? Does your jaw ache from having to smile while some fuckface tears into you because you can't do the impossible? Now simply wear a fake smile over your own grimace of anger while your eyes convey all the hate necessary. Available in all skin tones for men and women.

Spawn B-Gone: Hate screaming, unruly children? Of course you do! Now with Spawn-B-Gone you don't have to deal with them. Developed by scientists, Spawn-B-Gone is a odorless gas that flows through the vents into the store and harmlessly puts small children (newborn-toddlers) to sleep. Older children (4 and up) will feel lethargic and listless, and less likely to get into shit. The effects wear off as soon as the children are out in the parking lot. Note: Spawn B-Gone does not actually make small children disappear.

Trash magnet: So there you are cleaning up, and you find an empty Starbucks cup stuck on a shelf. There's a garbage can five feet away. Ever wish you could find the responsible party? The trash magnet (an odorless spray that coats the customers clothes when they enter the store) will force their own trash to stick to their clothes unless it's deposited in an appropriate trash receptacle.

1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: This is more for your coworkers and managers who are out to get you, or prefer to throw you under the bus to save their own ass. 1,001 sneaky, devious, underhanded ways to get revenge on them that can never be tracked back to you. From simple things like keying their car, to kidnapping their pets for ransom. Also going to extreme measures like putting them on the mailing list for the Westboro Baptist Church or hiring an ex-con to rob their house while they're at work. Also available: 1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: Corporate Edition.

Terry Everton and Burger Bitch's Big Book of Insults: Tired of calling someone an asshole or a stupid bitch? Let RHU's experts in new curse words give you the arsenal to unleash as soon as Fuckneck McCockknuckle's back is turned. Let that dicktooth know exactly what you think of them, even if you can't say it to their face. Also good for the coworkers described above.

How to Be Condescending and Get Away With It: Along with the Big Book of Insults, this book gives you scathing ways to tell customers and asshole coworkers to fuck off and die without actually saying "Fuck off and die". Now you can let customers and idiot coworkers know exactly how you feel about them without getting in trouble for it. Now you can insult customers intelligence, upbringing, education level, and even their looks right to their face without them being any the wiser that they've been insulted. Special index: 20 ways to flip someone off right in front of their face. Includes the old favorites of scratching your face, adjusting your glasses, and new sneakier techniques of careful hand adjustment so that your middle finger is always pointed at the customer (but not so they'd notice).

Closing Time Stun Doors: It's two minutes to close, and here comes some asshole who decided to wait until the last minute to come shopping. They promise to be "real quick" but you know that "real quick" turns into you staying a half hour past closing time. Well now, anywhere between ten and two minutes to close the doors go into stun gun mode. With all the voltage of a police tazer, anyone waiting until the last minute to come in "real quick" will get a real quick jolt of 50,000 volts (customers exiting will not be affected). Can also be adjusted to stun anyone other than an employee trying to get in before the store officially opens.

Trapdoors at closed registers: Don't you hate it when your register is closed and some brain dead cockslap comes up and dumps their shit on your register despite the CLOSED sign? Well a simple push of a button will render your line closed again as a trapdoor opens under their feet. For those of you who don't want to hurt anyone, the space under the trapdoor can be equipped with a mattress, and an escape staircase that lets out in the parking lot.

Coffee Call-Back: Hate it when coffee customers yell at you for screwing up their orders, when it's their fault because they weren't specific? Now with Coffee Call-Back you can nip this annoying problem in the bud. Coffee Call-Back records the customer's order, and will play it back as soon as the customer complains that you screwed up their order. The crusty then has two choices: take the drink that they ordered, or pay half the cost of the drink to have it remade. Deluxe model comes with video playback.

Hounds: So you've made the announcement that your store is closing in 15, 10, 5 minutes. The Stun Doors have kept out the riffraff, and now the store is closed. Final announcement; "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now closed, please take your final purchases to the nearest register or we will release the hounds. Thank you for shopping at The Big Fancy." Hounds will be trained only to chase but not attack custys unless they're provoked. Hounds will also be trained not to attack retail slaves.

Baseball bat clue-by-fours: Now there's no need to carry around a unwieldy piece of wood. All new clue-by-fours have been turned into easy to carry baseball bats. Still with the same ability to knock sense into even the dumbest customer.

Real life censor/mute: Tired of customers calling you a stupid asshole or (even worse) a dumb cunt? Well with the real life censor their insults get turned into grade school insults that make them sound stupid. How funny would it be to hear "stupid asshole" turned into "stupid airnose"? "I can't fucking believe how fucking stupid and incompetent you are" becomes, "I can't fudgecicle believe how Frosted Flakes stupid and inclockable you are... wait, what the french toast did I just say?" For those more severe insults (being called a cunt, or having your race or sexual orientation insulted) the real life censor simply bleeps out the words. Can also be adjusted to mute the crustys voice altogether.

So there you have it thirteen brand new items that if they existed would make our lives so much easier.

--NC Tony

CLICK HERE TO SEE TONY'S 2010 LIST!

The Custys have spoken and as usual greed wins out over compassion for people. Shoppers are like a herd of cattle and they will follow whatever the store corporations set up. And now that there is a 7% increase after making everyone work on Thanksgiving, you can bet your burnt turkey ass everyone will be open next year, and most likely all day.

You overworked retail slaves don't need Thanksgiving, you can eat your bird at 8 am then go to work, you can work all night when you're not used to it and crash your car into a canal, that's your job. You signed up for it. We are the customers and we want to shop after our big, leisure, enjoyable Thanksgiving dinners. Now ring us up and don't forget my 20% Black Friday coupon!

It's the continuing deterioration of a beloved holiday for many. Since the corporations have already conquered opening stores and making their employees work horribly long hours on thanksgiving, I think turkey day should just be named Black Thanksgiving, because it has now become a dark, exhausting day for thousands in a America. Happy Black Thanksgiving!

Info from Huff Po:

The holiday shopping season got off to a strong start on Black Friday, with retail sales up 7 percent over last year, according to the most recent survey. Now stores just have to keep buyers coming back without the promise of door-buster savings.

Buyers spent $11.4 billion at retail stores and malls, up nearly $1 billion from last year, according to a Saturday report from ShopperTrak. It was the largest amount ever spent on the day that marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season, and the biggest year-over-year increase since 2007. Chicago-based ShopperTrak gathers data from 25,000 outlets across the U.S., including individual stores and shopping centers.

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn. broke its Black Friday record for shoppers, thanks to a decision to open at midnight for the first time. Around 210,000 visitors came to the mall on Friday, up from 200,000 last year, according to mall spokeswoman Bridget Jewell.

Online shopping was strong as well, with a 24.3 percent increase in online spending on Black Friday, according to IBM, which tracks sales at 500 online retailers.

Bill Martin, who founded ShopperTrak, said he was surprised by the strong showing. He had expected the weak economy to dent consumer confidence and keep more shoppers out of the stores, or at least from spending much. Instead, he said, they responded to a blanket of promotions, from 60- and 70-percent off deals to door-buster savings on electronics.

"I'm pleased to see it. You can't have a great season without having a good Black Friday," Martin told The Associated Press in an interview.

Sales were also up 4 percent each in the two weeks leading up to Black Friday, as retailers started their promotions earlier than usual or extended their hours.

Still, he suspects things will quiet down this weekend, as promotions end and the buying frenzy subsides. ShopperTrak is expecting holiday sales to be up 3.3 percent this season. Retailers generally rely on sales between Thanksgiving and Christmas to make up 20 percent of their annual take.

There weren't many shoppers at Pioneer Place Mall in Portland, Ore., on Saturday.

via www.huffingtonpost.com