Review Spew

My Review of Alan Richman's Review of my Review

2014-12-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

I recently had the privilege, nay the honor of having one of my reviews eviscerated by none other than Alan Richman. Who's Alan Richman you might ask? Good question and I’d never heard of him till about 30 seconds after he posted his comment on my review of StarKist Lunch To-Go (Chunk Light). Alan Richman is, well, let me just insert his bio taken from GQ.com (yes GQ as in Gentlemen’s Quarterly – oh la dee dah).

Alan Richman is the most decorated food writer in history. He has won 15 James Beard Journalism Awards, a National Magazine Award (and was a finalist five more times), and a Bronze Star for service in Vietnam. You won't find food writers like him at the food magazines. When he received his National Magazine Award, the presenter described him as "the Indiana Jones of food writers." He has reviewed restaurants in nearly every Communist country (China, Vietnam, Cuba, East Germany), proof that he will go anywhere for a meal. He once reviewed the Chicago restaurant owned and operated by Louis Farrakhan, not known to be a fan of Jewish journalists. In Cuba, he defied government regulations by interviewing starving political dissidents, then rewarded himself with a lobster lunch at the most expensive restaurant in Havana. In 1998, Richman was inducted into The James Beard Foundation Who's Who of Food and Beverage in America, which recognizes culinary industry professionals for their achievements. He is the Dean of Food Journalism at The French Culinary Institute in New York, where he teaches a class in food writing. Richman's 14 Beard awards have been presented in restaurant reviewing, feature writing, and wine writing. He has also taken the top prize, the M.F.K. Fisher Distinguished Writing Award, twice. He continues to indulge his passion for eight-course dinners (plus cheese). (reference: http://www.gq.com/contributors/alan-richman).

This officially makes me the first reviewer at this site to be lampooned by someone who is actually SOMEONE. Suck it Meatwad and Matt.

I was pretty excited by the scathing comments made by Alan but when I realized who he was …. Well let’s just say I was in 7th Heaven.

You can read the full review of The StarKist Lunch To-Go at the link above but to summarize I didn’t care for it. I gave it zero stars. Now onto Alan’s comment:

Man this review was terrible in so many ways. I haven't read any of your recent reviews, but I hoping that you've done a little work on your approach since then. the review read like a C- report for a 100 level English class. Full of classic and corny cliche review lines like "I ripped open the bag ot tuna grabbed a spoon". This is a supposed to be a review, not a play-by-play of everything that went down during the eating process. A review is obviously only a matter of opinion, but it seems to me like you were approaching the thing totally wrong and not seeing the item for what it really is. It's obviously not supposed to replace a real and completely fufilling lunch my friend. On that note, I don't really see how they could've done much better considering what the medium is: Tuna. Its a package of Tuna with crackers. Nuff Said'. At least you can get credit for being the only weirdo on the planet who would take the time to write the longest review on earth for something as ridiculous as some crackers with some tuna. Bravo. Don't take it personally - I'm simply lampooning your negativity in the review....all over a package of tuna....and crackers. Cheers and happy holidays

Right out the gates the flattery begins. See little does Alan know but “Terrible” is as far as any of the reviewers here have ever aspired to. To say I had not only reached that level but done so in “so many ways” thrills me to no end.

Not only has he not read any of my “recent reviews” it’s clear he hasn't read any of them other than the Tuna one or he would know that this one was no different than any of the others. I haven’t improved and why should I? Obviously I've reached my goal of “Terrible” and there’s nowhere to go but down. Since you have only read this one review let me fill you in. We review anything at this site and we do it with an eye to the silly and the ridiculous.

Examples:

I reviewed and discussed the need for the McRib Sandwich in a Post-9/11 world
I reviewed showering with a naked Barbie Doll
A publisher asked us to review a book written by Brandilyn Collins in which I spend 80% of the review sexually harassing her. Too bad HarperCollins didn’t ask me to review your book. The things I could have said about that French tickler mustache you've got going on.
Books, movies, sandwiches, music, diabetes, swine flu, sauces, blowing kisses, soft drinks, pedicures, sleeping with your bosses wife, electronics, pens, Mitt Romney, automobile emission testing, snacks, medical procedures, cookies, Will Smith’s Trailer while filming MIB3, turning 40, I've reviewed them all and then some. What do you review again? Food? How quaint.

I am pleased to see my English Class grades have improved to a C- I scored a 2 on the AP English test (a failing grade). Oh wait. In college I actually got straight A’s in English all the way through 200 level classes. So maybe there’s room for some improvement.

Alan’s comment falters a bit when he starts telling me how a review is supposed to be written and then says reviews are a matter of opinion. All the reviews at our site are written in a similar vein. Our reviews are certainly not reaching the high level standards of GQ.com, we have a regular following. Even without a new review posted in almost a year, we still have people visit and read every day. Did we set out to be an exact clone of other review site out there? What would be the point of that? That would be stupid. So suck it!

Alan’s comment devolves further when he exposes his 1 percenter snobbery with the sentence: “It's obviously not supposed to replace a real and completely fufilling lunch my friend.” First learn how to use spell check Alan it’s really distracting. And second, those who review here are engineers. In other words, we work for a living. A can of Tuna on crackers is a full meal for me and many others at least once a week. Congratulations on your success in your career that has given you big

GQ paychecks, book profits, the condo in Manhattan and a billion frequent flyer miles and also gets you the best seating at the best restaurants throughout the world (where ironically you probably don’t have to pay for your food). Unfortunately your success has separated you from the real world. Oh, I’m sure you’re comfy with the average GQ snob but what about the guys washing dishes in all these restaurants. Nah man, you’re out of touch if you think Tuna on crackers isn’t a meal. Hell they’re called “Lunch To-Go” right on the package.

Now I feel I must defend my actual review. You said it best when you said that it’s just Tuna and Crackers. It is just Tuna on crackers, so how come they screwed it up so bad? Can anyone deny that Ritz is Par for a good tasting cracker? If so then these crackers are sub-par. The functionality of the MEAL is unsatisfactory and the after-MEAL mint is gross. I stand by my review.

You called me “the only weirdo on the planet who would take the time to write the longest review on earth for something as ridiculous as some crackers with some tuna. Bravo.” Well how about being the only weirdo on the planet that would write an even longer review of the review of my review? Do I get a Bravo+ for that?

You end on a pseudo-high note, telling me not to take the aforementioned verbal anal reaming personally. After all you were just lampooning me and then you wish me happy holidays. Well Alan, don’t take what I’ve said here personally, I’m simply calling you out for the snob you are. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you set aside all your usual GQ rich boy hoity toity attitude and actually buy one of these StarKist Lunch To-Go’s. Take it to a public cafeteria somewhere, a food court or like venue and try it out just like you would an 8 course meal (including cheese) and then write a review of it for GQ.com. Don’t forget to link to my review as a comparison. Teach me all wise one how I should have done it differently.

As far as your review of my review I must give you 4 stars. It made me laugh, it made me cry it made my day (2 days now)! Mr. Richman (for you are due my full respect) clearly I am nowhere near the same league as you when it comes to reviewing food or anything else. I'm just excited that you took the time to "slum it" with one of the little guys! Happy Hanukkah and best wish for the New Year!

Samsung Galaxy S4 Review

2014-03-14T15:30:00.001-06:00

Over the course of the last year it has become painfully obvious that I am the ultimate answer to the "the first question, the oldest question in the universe, hidden in plain sight". No the question is not Doctor Who? It is: Who actually writes reviews on this website? And the answer of course is: Just Jim.

On September 7, 2009 I wrote my first review for reviewspew.com. The review was for my brand new LG Env3 cell phone. As Reviewspew.com seems to be in its final death throes (barring some miraculous rebirth), I found it fitting to “close the loop” and write what will most likely be my final review. The Samsung Galaxy S4.

For well over 4 years I enjoyed the use of my Env3. It should go down in the history books as the best “basic” cell phone for texting and durability. It was in perfect working order for all that time and still works. So why did I upgrade (or perhaps you’re asking, “Why didn’t you upgrade over 2 years ago”)? For well over 2 years now I have watched with real jealousy as each and every single person I know upgraded to a Smartphone. Even my wife was able to upgrade. Even my kids, in a way were outdoing me with their Galaxy Tab 7’s and their iPod Touch 5s (not phones but still….).

I finally said “No more” and broke down and upgraded. Ok, it actually went like this: I broke down, cried like a baby, whined enough to my wife that she finally said, “If it will make you stop making that obnoxious noise, then by all means go upgrade you big fat baby!”, and then I upgraded.

I had the best experience I ever had at a Verizon Store. I walked in and there was no wait, not even a second. The woman that helped me was just the right amount of flirty and filthy-minded to make me feel comfortable. In fact, our conversation degraded so quickly that by the time she handed me her iPad and said “finger signature right here” I felt perfectly comfortable replying, “I’ll finger you any time you ask me too.” But then I found out she lives a quarter mile from my house and my son goes to school with her daughter. We cleaned up our act after that tidbit of knowledge was discovered.

But I digress. Onto the actual review (admit it – you’re going to miss this roundabout way of reviewing something aren’t you – well blame Matt and Meatwad – I did all I could do). But I digress once again. You know what? Screw it. You are either an Android person or an iPhone person. If you’re an Android person you already know everything about the S4 and would much rather read reviews about the Note III or the upcoming release of the S5 (my girlfriend at the Verizon store said the S5 was “underwhelming” btw). I love my new S4. It's a great phone, although I find myself taking hour long crapper breaks now because I lose track of time surfing while pooping. I give the phone 4 stars. There are some things I think could improve on it, but whatever.

I guess there’s nothing left to do now but say goodbye. It’s been fun reviewing for this site and would be fun to do so again. Thanks for reading. I’ll tell you what I’ll do, if I get at least 10 legitimate, positive comments on this review (not SPAM and not from one of the other reviewers – who don’t read my reviews anyway so no problem there) then I’ll post another review. Until then … Smell Ya Later!!!!

Kindle Paperwhite Review

2013-12-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

When I was 14 years old, my father spent over $1400 on a computer for me. It was an Epson Equity II 8088 PC. It had no hard drive, but did come fully loaded with 640K DRAM, Dual 5 ¼ inch floppy drives, DOS, and Word Perfect, plus a 13 inch green screen monitor - and as you all know green screen is what you want in your monochrome display unless you’re a racist (Black and White monitor) or a commie (Amber Screen). It also came with a dot-matrix printer with continuous feed paper with the little perforated holes on both sides of the paper!

Compare this computer to what you are reading this review on today is like comparing the Sony eReader I’ve been using for the last 4 years to the new Kindle PaperWhite Next Gen eReader. I bought the Sony eReader 4 years ago for the ridiculous price of $275. It was their first model touch screen. It’s slow, it glares, it’s about the worst eReader I've ever seen. Don’t ever, ever, ever buy an eReader from Sony. They suck. You might as well buy regular books and use a card-catalog to keep track of your personal library. It would be more user friendly.

But I digress. I waited patiently for just the right Kindle to finally come out and it now has. The Kindle PaperWhite with Next-Gen Built in Light is simply the best eReader to ever grace the Earth with its presence. Here’s why:

Design – It is light weight, easy to handle and looks good.

Functionality – It is responsive, turns pages instantly by swiping your finger or simply tapping the screen. My Sony you would swipe the screen and in 20-30 seconds it would finally change to the next page (or not). Built-in WiFi allows for near instant downloads of books or periodicals you purchase at Amazon (either through your laptop or from the Kindle itself).

OK, ok, you know what Kindles have, I don’t need to go on. Let’s just say this one is the most advanced one you’ve ever seen. But then add to all of that an adjustable back light. No more flashlights, cases with lights or head-lamps to read in bed at night. And even with this, the battery life is extremely long. Several weeks of use on one charge.

The appearance of the text in this version is different than previous Kindles but it is just as readable if not more so. No glare at all, read in the sun, read in the dark, read anywhere you want with comfort and ease.

As nice as this Kindle is to hold, the cover designed for it only enhances that experience. It’s a little spendy but gives you the feel of holding a real leather-bound book. It also automatically puts the Kindle in and out of sleep mode when you open the case.

The only thing I absolutely hate about this Kindle is the power-down activation. There is only one physical button on this whole thing. You use this to turn the thing on and when you want to power it down completely. That’s cool, but here’s the problem. To turn off you have to hold that button down and wait 5 agonizing seconds for the confirmation window to pop-up asking if you really want to shut down. 5 SECONDS. Doesn't sound like a lot I know but run that exercise in your mind. It feels like an eternity. All you’re trying to do is ensure you don’t accidentally turn your device off. A two-unrelated-step process is standard for smart phones because you can butt-dial or butt-power-down. Which shouldn't be a real concern with an eReader. So it’s not necessary anyway but then to make you hold that button down for so long is almost cruel. My iPhone 4s you only have to hold the button down for 2 seconds. The latest Galaxy Smart phone is 2 seconds also. Come on Amazon. You’re wizards at your “secret LAB126” are figuring out how to deliver a package within 30 minutes via flying drones, yet you can’t figure out the problem with this?

A quick word about Kindle eReaders verses Tablets. Even the Kindle Fire Tablet uses an App to read books. You still have to deal with the glare you get off any tablet. If you want a tablet, get a tablet. But if you want an eReader for the pure love of reading don't fool yourself into thinking that if you get a tablet that you'll have your cake and eat it too.

I love this eReader but it loses a star because of that one thing. A software patch should do the trick. Fix it Amazon and you’ll get the fifth star. I promise.

Burger King's Big King Sandwich Review

2013-12-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

I just ate at Burger King. I like BK, I really do. The Whopper is my favorite “flagship” burger in the fast food industry. But I don’t know what this obsession BK has with trying to be McDonalds. Pepsi and Coke reached a harmonious place with each other in the universe after Coke finally accepted that Pepsi tasted better (see Pepsi Challenge 1980s) and Pepsi finally accepted that Coke will always have a higher market share than them. So why can’t BK and McD’s come to a similar understanding? I digress.

I went to try the new $1 version of their Pork Rib Sandwich (which I previously reviewed….and loved). But as I walked through the door, there it was: The sign advertising the Big King. Yep, BK is taking a stab at McD’s flagship burger. I was absolutely powerless and resisting ordering it proved futile.

To start it was poorly made. Whoever was back there made it with absolute hatred and disdain for me and if I wanted that in a sandwich I would have made my own this morning before work. But everyone who eats fast food knows this happens more often than not, so whatever.

As far as taste, it had all the right ingredients: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onions, and pickles on a sesame seed bun. So why did it taste like open ass? The lettuce was yellow and wilted and there was twice as much of it than the 2 beef patties combined. The cheese was waxy and wasn’t completely melted and the onions and pickles just tasted off. They did manage to make Thousand Island dressing with no problem though. Congrats. I guess.

The whole experience left me wondering why they bothered. I guarantee that McD’s isn’t going to come out with a McWhammer any time soon to compete with the Whopper. So trust me when I say, when it comes to a Big Mac like sandwich, stick with the best and get the Big Carl from Carl’s Jr. It taste better, is bigger and just fandamntastic. The Big King gets 0 stars.

Oh ya, I also tried the new $1 version of the Pork Rib Sandwich I was so high a few months back. About 10 years ago my family went to a water park after I got off work. My wife made tuna fish sandwiches that we were going to eat on the way. I was driving and got three-fourths the way through my sandwich before I realized that there was no tuna fish on it. I could smell the tuna on the other sandwiches but for some reason mine (that I randomly grabbed from the bag) did not have any. It was strange because from the smell I could have sworn I was eating tuna fish. My wife said she was sorry and that she had made me two, so she handed me the 2nd one. It also was devoid of actual tuna fish. You know what they say about redheads right? They’re blondes from hell. So I ate 2 tuna-scented sandwiches that evening. Yum. The new $1 Pork Rib Sandwich has so little “meat” on it that it might as well be called a BBQ Pork scented sandwich. They did add onion which was a plus but changed from the inspired artisan bun to their regular sesame seed bun. All and all, just not worth it.

The Cheesecake Factory's "Curbside To-Go" Review

2013-11-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love the time we live in. Every day I find myself blown away and amazed by some new technological wonder. I would not have fared well in the 19th century or earlier (I barely made it out of the 20th century alive!). One excellent example of the high tech world we find ourselves in came just this last summer. My wife and I are driving down the road and we see a lemonade stand operated by a girl who had to have been about 5 years of age and her mother. My wife said to pull over and we would buy some lemonade. It was 25 cents a cup and it was good. But the thing that caught my attention was the hand drawn sign that said they accept Visa and MasterCard. I could hardly believe it so I had to try it. I handed the girl my debit card and said we would buy 4 cups. She took our card, grabbed her mom’s iPhone, that had a card swiper attachment hooked to it and swiped our card. This data went over the Verizon network to the MasterCard server, which then signaled my bank’s server which checked my account, sent the data back to MasterCard that then sent the data back to Verizon which sent it back to the girls’ iPhone and told her “This fat bastard does indeed have at least $1 in his checking account” (must have been payday). Meanwhile my bank contacts Verizon which sends me a text message to my phone informing me that a $1 transaction had just taken place. All of this took less than 1 minute. Our entire time at the stand was less than 5 minutes. Amazing.

What the hell is wrong with The Cheesecake Factory? Let me back track. I ate at the Cheesecake Factory

for the first time earlier this year and absolutely loved it. I ordered the Cajun Jambalaya Pasta and was in pure heaven. We then ordered desert, which is the real genius of The Cheesecake Factory. Anyone eating everywhere will be asked the simple question “Have you left any room for desert?” I’m willing the bet that in the majority of cases, the answer is “NO”. But not at the Cheesecake Factory. Despite the $7 per slice price tag how can you possibly eat at the Cheesecake Factory without eating a slice of Cheesecake? You can’t. You must eat it! And I was so glad I did. It was awesome.

About a month later I was trying desperately to talk my wife in going back but she didn't want to. She then said why don’t you just get what you want at their “Curbside To-Go” ? I had no idea what she was talking about so she told me. You can call the Cheesecake Factory and order anything you want from their menu. They will then tell you how long until it’s ready, then they tell you to call back when you’re parked in their reserved “Curbside To-Go” parking spots. I ordered, they said 15 minutes and I arrived 12 minutes later, parked in the reserved parking, and called them back. “I’m here”. “Great, we’ll be right out.”

Ten minutes goes by and they finally come out. My fault I figured. I was early. He hands me my food, takes my card, says he’ll be right back and goes back into the restaurant. I couldn't believe it. Where was this fool going? Didn't he have something portable to scan my debit card? Why didn't they ask for my card number over the phone when I ordered? I actually tried this tactic the next time I tried this service and they wouldn't do it. The guy was gone for 10 more minutes, now while my food was getting cold (and driving me crazy with its amazing aroma). I actually got my text message alert from my bank telling me the card had been swiped but it was still 5 more minutes until he came back with my card.

About a week ago I tried “Curbside To-Go” a third and final time. I showed up 10 minutes later than they said, because I had learned the first two times it didn't make any difference to be early. But being 10 minutes late didn't help either. It still took 10 minutes for them to come out. He handed me my food, took my card, and disappeared for 10 minutes. During that wait I checked my food and found I only had 1 loaf of bread. I had made the mistake of asking for both loaves of bread to be wheat. They translated that to mean I didn't want my sour dough loaf. When he returned with my card and receipt, I told him I wanted my second loaf and I wanted it to be wheat. He did apologize and then was gone for …. you guessed it … 10 more minutes. Who runs this place? Barney Rubble? Are they taking orders with stone tablets and chisels? Holy crap. And another thing, the same dish tasted different all 4 times I've had it and the last two times, it’s been crap.

Five year old Peggy Johansson down the road can charge my debit card in the time it takes her to whip her pig tails around a couple of times, but a national chain restaurant makes its customers wait 20-30 minutes each and every time to pick up their food, even after it was supposedly ready. The Cheesecake Factory’s “Curbside To-Go” scores zero stars. Wake up Cheesecake Factory. Wake up and smell the 21st century you troglodytes. Before you go the way of tape cassettes and floppy drives.

Star Trek - The Fall Book Series Review

2013-11-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

If you read my review about the Secret History of Star Wars then you are fully aware that I’m a full-fledged, card-carrying nerd. But did you know that the card I hold is trimmed in Gold Pressed Latinum? Yes, it’s true; I do not squabble between my love for Star Wars and my love for Star Trek. Both “universes” are completely amazing to me.

Like any fan of either Star Wars or Star Trek, I became obsessed with the continuing adventures stored within the confines of, at first, a select few books. A trilogy here, a stand-alone book there but then something happened. It just became too much. I’m not sure but I’m willing to bet there are thousands of books now that continue the adventures of Luke, Han and Leia, Picard, Kirk, Janeway, etc., etc. Books that came between the trilogies, books that came after Kirk but before Picard, books that explored what would have happened if they failed to blow up the first Death Star or if Spock had not come back alive, books, books, books, books, books. And I finally threw my hands up in the air and cried out with a mighty Klingon roar: YAP VLGHAJ! Which is Klingon for, “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!”

With the exception of certain types of Star Wars / Star Trek fan-fiction that

mostly involved elaborate lesbian scenarios between 7of9 and Padme, I was 10 years “sober” and thought very little when I read an article about a new Star Trek series called “The Fall”. An interconnected, five-book series by five different authors, with one coming out each month for five months. Hey I’m just reading the article right? What harm is there in that? (Hey I’m just hanging out in the bar, what harm could come of that). And hey, it looked interesting and worse-case it’s only 5 books and then I’m done again. (Hey, just a shot or two of whiskey, then I’ll quit again, no problem). So I bought book 1 – Revelation and Dust by David R. George III.

This one takes place onboard the new and about to open for business, Deep Space Nine station. Apparently the old original one from the TV series had been blown up 2 years previously (I told you there were a lot of books). I must admit I was not a huge fan of Deep Space Nine (DS9). Mostly because it focused so much on the religious beliefs of the planet Bajor (the planet that DS9 was positioned near). It was nauseating and having Chief Obrien as a cross over character from The Next Generation (TNG) just wasn’t enough. Even bringing Worf over to the station did little to save the show in my opinion. Worst Star Trek Series ever!!!

So it was little surprise that I hated this book also. “Celestial Temples” and “Orbs of the Prophets” and blah, blah, blah. Enough. More than anything I hate repetitive words, or phrases in a novel. This book, unlike any other Sci-Fi book I've ever read, refers to something called "The Refresher" or in some cases "The 'Fresher" 15 times in a 280 page book. It took 3 times for me to realize it's a outer spacey way of saying "Shitter". A word search of the two proceeding books shows that it is not referred to at all in either of them. Me thinks Mr. George the ~~Turd~~ Third has an irritable bowel issue. But there were good parts to it. It was like a high school reunion for me. I got to see old friends and see what they’re up to now, but then you start to remember that what was a slight oddity in their teen years has turned into a full-fledged mental disorder in adulthood and I started checking for the exit doors. I finished the book and thought to myself, “OK, that was probably a mistake. I’m done.”

A few weeks later book 2 – The Crimson Shadow by Una McCormack came out and I couldn’t find any other book to read, and hey that last shot was horrible but this second one is looking pretty good, what’s the harm in “just one more”. So I bought it and read it. This one takes place on the planet of Cardassia Prime and although the Enterprise and Captain Picard are in this one, the main characters are almost all Cardassians (No – not the Kardashians). I’m afraid to say that I loved this book. The change in the Cardassians since tragedy nearly destroyed their planet rang true in my ears. The book was gripping and exciting and considering the characters and locations, extremely realistic. Also, the only good thing to come out of DS9 was a Cardassian named Elim Garak who was the main protagonist of this book. This book suffered from repetitive items as well. It compulsively talks about Coffee, which again is not mentioned in either the first or third book (tea maybe but not coffee).

I’m now 7 chapters into book 3 – A Ceremony of Losses by David Mack. This book focuses on the Andorians. Which of course you all know where founding members (along with Earth and Vulcan) of the United Federation of Planets. My name is Just Jim and I’m an alcoholic! I’m not sure how die hard trek fans (Trekkies? Trekkers? What do they like to be called now?) think of “Star Trek – The Fall” but I give it 2 stars. All three books focus on political intrigue rather than warp core coils or transporter mishaps. And I like that. The series is bitter and delicious, painful and delightful but it’s going to be … well it’s going to be my “Fall”.

Jack Link's Premium Cuts Beef Jerky Review

2013-10-23T05:00:00.000-06:00

I love beef jerky. Who doesn’t love beef jerky? Don’t answer that because I simply don’t care. People who don’t like beef jerky can just leave now and never return for all I care. Why? Because it’s the best. My only problem with Beef Jerky is due to my teeth. If I’ve chewing some gnarly thin strip that is more like leather than jerky then my teeth simply cannot handle it. Or if it’s thick and so tough that it takes an hour to eat a bite well again, my teeth can’t handle it and in that case it’s not worth having a sore jaw for a week.

Because of that I mostly stick with Jack Link’s brand Beef Jerky. They have found the best recipe ever as far as eat-ability is concerned. Good sized pieces of real meat. Tender, juicy and flavored just perfectly, every single time. It’s awesome. And they have a huge variety of flavors to choose from.

Let me give a quick rundown of those I’ve tried. Original of course. It’s great but I like things a little spicier. Peppered is fantastic. I haven’t tried “Sweet & Hot” because I don’t like my meat to be sweet. Same reason I have never tried Teriyaki either. But the Cholula Hot Sauce flavored is just about the most amazing thing out there. You must try it. And while you are trying that also grab a bag or two or ten of my new personal favorite (and the whole reason I’m writing this review): Jalapeno.

I bought a 3.5oz bag of this Jalapeno flavored on the way home from work, thinking I would eat a piece or

two and then enjoy the rest throughout the next few days. 15 minute trip home, bag empty and was craving more the rest of the night. I bought two 3.5 oz bags on a Monday morning thinking it could be consumed throughout the week. End of day one, one bag gone. End of day two, two bags gone. I cannot get enough of this stuff.

And for us diabetics it could be a good snack. Where else (except maybe a truck stop parking lot) can you get 11g of protein with only 5g of carbs? But when you consume it in the quantities I find myself woofing it down, then it also must be bad for you. But I don’t care. It’s so good.

This leads to the only bad thing about it. Did you know it’s about $25 per pound? Seriously. And this is not convenience store prices either. This is Walmart prices. That $5 bag is only 3.5oz. It’s ridiculous. I asked Google “Why is Beef Jerky so expensive”. The link to Yahoo answers had 2 good answers: “Beef has a lot of water in it. So when it is dried, it only a fraction of its former weight. Takes a lot of beef to make a little jerky.” And “Also, making beef jerkey is very labor intensive: Cutting, marinating, hanging, drying, packaging, distributing.” Which makes sense. I guess. I liked the answer that said: ” Beef jerky is made from stray urban bush meat and these animals are wary and hard to catch.”

It really is out of my price range so I have to force myself not to buy it. It’s like those pint bottles of milk in vending machines that cost about $30 a gallon if you think about it that way, but yet we still buy it. Well I can’t fake myself out on this. I know the truth about it and its just crazy, but jeez. It tastes so good.

So for you Obama / Romney types out there, I highly recommend buying and consuming large quantities of Jack Link’s Jalapenos flavored Premium Beef Jerky! It scores 4 stars. For the rest of us ordinary people we’ll have to settle for Potato chips I guess!

Arby's Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich Review

2013-10-09T05:00:00.001-06:00

Congratulations Arby's. You invented bacostrami. But let me back track a bit. My rabid fan “mcole” sent me an email asking if I had tried the new Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich from Arby's. No, I had not but I was just walking out the door to eat lunch so I thought “What the heck…anything for a stalker…I mean a fan”. And as regular readers know, we here at reviewspew.com love Arby's.

I get there and I order it in a combo meal, medium with curly fries and pour a tall refreshing cup of Minute Maid Light Lemonade. Mmmmmm delish. This sandwich is on the expensive side ($8.99 for the combo) but isn’t everything nowadays. Damn (insert the political party you hate)!!!

First of all it’s a good sized sandwich. It has some heft to it. Which I like in my sandwiches and my women. Here’s the official description of this sandwich: “Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket is piled high with slow-smoked (for 13 long hours ) beef brisket, topped with smoked Gouda cheese, crispy onions, BBQ sauce and mayo, and served on a toasted, bakery-style bun.” The sandwich actually matched that description perfectly. It looked good and wasn’t messy to eat.

The bun is great. Very sturdy and helped support the meat and cheese very well and had a great flavor. I’m a big fan of this bun. The Gouda cheese, well I just don’t know. I’m not a fancy Frenchman so I don’t know if this is good Gouda or not, but I’m thinking (since this is Arby's) then perhaps it’s not the highest quality. But I will say this. It was good. It offered a sharp contrast to the savory flavor of the meat. I liked it. The BBQ sauce, Mayo and crispy onions were a nice touch that complimented the entire sandwich. I tried putting a little horsey sauce on this sandwich and it just ruined that bite of it, so let’s just say the Arby’s test kitchen has discovered the right blend of flavors here.

Now the meat. As I already alluded it’s seems to be a cross between bacon (the old round bacon that McDonalds use to have) and Pastrami. But that isn’t a bad thing. Bacon is awesome and as we all know, Pastrami is the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats. So ya, this is pretty good meat. I’m not sure it’s what I would call Brisket. If they slow smoked it for 30 more minutes it would be as dry as jerky. Brisket is supposed to be really tender and this is more bacostrami-licious.

The overall effect is a really savory tasting sandwich with several different and

Actual plate of BBQ I consumed in KC

delightful flavors zinging around your taste buds. The problem is that by the end of the sandwich, I had grown tired of all that flavor. It hard to explain. It’s like day 5 at Disneyland. I’ve had fun, but my legs hurt and if I see another smiling face wearing Mickey ears I’m going to punch it. So ya, too much of a good thing isn’t always good. This is another reason why I can’t call this brisket. I can eat pounds of brisket. Plate after plate after plate of brisket can disappear down my gullet in a single sitting without any problems whatsoever and yet with this, I was done before the sandwich was gone.

I’m going to award the Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich from Arby’s four stars. Not perfect but dang good and above all else, unique; a rare quality among fast food fair these days. Enjoy.

Central Air Conditioning Review

2013-09-25T05:00:00.000-06:00

The dog days of summer are over and things are starting to cool down. Days are getting shorter and there’s a noticeable nip in the air (at least in the morning – let’s not get ridiculous). I found this a perfect time to review Central Air Conditioning. I live in a home that is just over 17 years old and we are still on the original HVAC system. This explains several things. It explains why my level-pay monthly power bill is $199.00 for a 1500 sq ft. home (well that and the fact we have original windows and insulation as well). It explains why the fan on the box unit outside the house sounds like a cement mixer. It also explains why 2 summers ago, it just didn’t seem to keep up with our cooling demands and how last summer it was just downright miserable in our home. It also explains why we barely survived this summer with our lives, if not, our sanity.

First of all, just a reminder, I’m a big fat-fatty which means the temperature has to be around 68 degrees at all times. Easy in the winter time and our Gas bill is next to nothing. But that kind of demand is near impossible most summers and a complete failure this summer. Not to mention we just survived the hottest summer in my state’s entire recorded history. 70 days of 90+ degree weather. Ain’t that fun.

So as soon as it went above 70 degrees last April, the problems started. No matter what the temp was outside it was 10 more degrees hotter inside. Couple this with there being holes in most

of our screens so there was always the stray moth or mosquito in the house. 4 or 5 box fans were purchased. I’m still 30% deaf from the experience. And it did little good anyway. By May it was hitting the 80s and there we were cooking in our own juices at 90 degrees in our house. This lead to the inevitable sleep deprivation. At first I felt guilt over going to work and enjoying the 70 degree joy that I felt in every room and corridor of my work. About the time July came and with it the 100 degree temps, I suddenly found myself working longer and longer hours. They could get jobs at air conditioned places.

But it came to a breaking point. Misery and exhaustion lead to fighting. I’ve been married 22 years and there have been fights but we always obeyed certain rules. The first being never say anything you will regret later. Well when you’re this hot and tired all rules are off. My wife dredged up things she’s been pissed about since 1992 and I was right there with my anger over events that happened during the Clinton administration. It soon devolved into medieval darkness at our sweltering abode.

This lead to the crazy-desperate-ideas-phase. This is where it seemed like a good idea to put wet clothes on before going to bed with 2 box fans on you. This just added to the misery. Just added humidity and mildew to everything else. I then started looking at the joys of swamp coolers, which work but are loud and white-trashy and are expensive themselves just not as expensive as central air. Which lead to the only viable option: the costly repair of what I had.

They had told me about a year before that it was my coils that were all clogged up and needed to be cleaned or replaced. They said both tasks would be about $1000. They recommended replacement because they would replace my old under-the-unit coils which were impossible to get to with the newer A-frame-above-the-unit coils which would be easier to clean going forward. So I a scrounged up $1000 in a way I’m not proud of (and I still don’t walk right – heat makes you do the damndest things). I called them and said, “Hey I’m ready to have my coils replaced.” They said, “We need to come do a diagnostic first and that will cost $80.” I said, “You already did that.” They said, “Was it in the last 3 months?” “Well no.” “Then we have to re-diagnose”. I’m definitely in the wrong business. My wife said they came out, looked around and proclaimed, “It’s your coils. They’re clogged. It will cost $1500 to get them replaced but we recommend a complete new unit because this thing is antique and inefficient. That will be $80. Have a nice day.”

This was the lowest point this summer. I didn’t have $1500 and my ass couldn’t take what it would take to get another $500. I felt like they had just stolen $80 from me. And as I’m sitting on my soggy couch contemplating robbing a bank my 12 year old son comes in and says, “Dad, they said it was the coils that were all clogged up right?” I said, “Ya”. “Well they looked easy enough to clean.” The longest pause ever as his words sink into my heat-addled brain. “What do you mean they looked? Did you see them?” “Ya, he had them all pulled out and was looking at them.” See up till this time they had fed me this story of how the whole unit had to be mostly dismantled in order to get to the coils. I had even took some of the unit apart and was not able to even figure out how to get to them. My 12 year old and I went out and took a look. He said, “They took that panel off.” So I took it off. “Then he moved this pipe like this.” And my son reaches over and just pulled a pipe away from the whole thing (which I thought was welded to the unit but was not) “and then they slid this whole thing out” and all of sudden I could see what had to be done. I was able to pull the coils out two-thirds of the way, then using a razor blade was able to scrape out an inch of gunk from between the coils. By the time I was done, two-thirds of them were completely clear so that air could flow across them. We put the whole thing together and peace and tranquility returned. By midnight that night it was 70 degrees in our home. Pure bliss.

I must give central air only 4 stars though. It saves lives and marriages but it’s so

expensive to maintain and replace. I would have voted for Obama if he was giving free central air to everyone. Call it a green Earth initiative or something, I don’t care. I would have done it. All I know is that in the last few days we were using it this summer, the fan on the unit to the side of the house that sounded like a cement mixer finally seized up on us. It’s shot. So already the stresses for next summer have begun. I tell you its times like this I wish for the apocalypse to finally come so I don’t have to deal with things like this.

Porta Potty Review

2013-09-16T05:00:00.000-06:00

I’ve spent the majority of my adult life trying to avoid the porta potty. They are nasty at best and contagious at worst, but let’s face it, when we have to use them, all other options are long since gone. What I didn’t know when travelling to Alaska is that the porta potty is the standard restroom for patrons at most establishments. I might add that I am a germ freak too and the most you can hope for is some hand sanitizer in these places.

I assume the prevalence of these stinky phone booths has something to do with the 9 months of brutal winter, freezing pipes, or frozen septic tanks in Alaska, but the why really doesn’t matter when you have a nervous bladder and are a 4-a-day squatter. Being the Boy Scout that I am, I go prepared. I have my hand sanitizer and emergency toilet paper like a good boy should, but I’m was painfully ill prepared for the unseen toilet trauma that abounds in Alaska.

Case-in-point: I was just about to leave on a fly-out fishing charter when I felt the grumbling. I know that when we get in the plane, land on a lake, and sit in a little boat for the remainder of the day, there would be few bear free opportunities for me to do my necessary. So, I asked the charter if they had a rest room I could use. They pointed outside to some oversized Tupperware and I opted to make a quick drive back to town. I got back to the highway and saw a very nice gas station and restaurant. Upon entry, I asked for the restroom and was quickly pointed back outside to an unholy box of filth. Time was of the essence, so I did what I had to do and was finishing up when it all went wrong.

I noticed there was no paper, but pulled out my stash and tried to clean up. As I did, I must have lost focus at one point because I inadvertently brushed the back of my hand across the underside of the seat. To my horror, I pulled my hand back into view and saw what looked like a melted Snickers bar on the back of my hand. Indeed, I had no less than a half inch thick smear of feces across the entire back of my hand and 4 fingers. No, it was not my own. I panicked. I freaked. I didn't know what to do and was shaking violently. I clumsily used the tiny remnant of paper that was left in a fruitless attempt to clear the muck. I check the hand sanitizer and it was dry. I rushed back into the store and begged the guy to let me wash my hands. He smiled and refused. I pleaded with him, but he didn’t budge. At this point I contemplated 3 things.
1) Cut off the hand and wait for an ambulance. They would have disinfectant with them when they arrived.
2) Burn the hand with fire until all flesh and feces was ash. I'd worry about my typing career later.
3) Cut off the hand, then set the severed hand ablaze...3 seemed like the logical choice.

Instead, I ran to the isle, bought a bottle of dish soap and about 2 gallons of water and headed back to the counter. I fished my wallet out of my pocket with my clean hand but handed the clerk the money with the filthy one. Prick deserved Hep A and Hep B, and on that day, I was serving up both. I then ran outside and washed over and over until the soap and water was gone.

I looked at my hand throughout the day, wondering if it would ever feel like my own again. When I got home, I showered for an hour and scrubbed the nails and hand until they were raw and almost bloody. I didn't sleep that night, and really haven't had a full night's rest since.

Now, it has been a month since the incident and I still can't look at, let alone eat, chocolate of any kind. I'm not the same person I was before. At this point, I don't think I ever will be. Damn you porta potty, damn you to a fiery Hell. Zero Stars! Next time, I'll take my chances with the bears.

Sons of Anarchy Season 6 Review

2013-09-11T05:00:00.000-06:00

Season 6 of Sons of Anarchy premiered last night. I’ve been anxiously awaiting its return almost as much as I was waiting for the final season of Breaking Bad to start. I must admit it makes little sense to me, at least at first glance, why on Earth I would enjoy this series. I hate facial hair. I hate tattoos. I hate the idea of wearing black leather in the summer. I don’t drink. I don't hang out around loose women. And nobody loathes the idea of driving a motorcycle more than I do. So why can’t I get enough of SOA?

It’s quite simple. What middle aged man doesn’t want to be part of a motorcycle club? When somebody pisses you off, who doesn’t want to just knock his teeth out? Who doesn’t want to be feared? Who doesn’t want to be seen as a local hero, keeping drugs out of your small town while earning money selling guns to other scumbags? Who doesn’t want a woman so truly devoted to you that she loves being called your “old lady”? Who doesn’t want the respect of your fellow club members or have a group of willing minions (known as Prospects) willing and eager to do anything you ask them too, even die for you. Where else does it not matter if you're a big fat fatty?

And as far as the motorcycle goes…who doesn’t want the feel of a monstrous engine thundering under you, controlled by your hands holding onto ape-hanger handlebars? Eager women throwing themselves at you, kids wanting to be you, men fearing you, the thrill of danger and not giving a damn the consequences whether death, prison or torture; your only ethos being to never betray your fellow brothers. That is why I watch Sons of Anarchy. My wife watches it to see Charlie Hunnam’s naked butt. This occurs often!

No spoilers, I promise. Season 6 is off to a good start with all the elements you have enjoyed in the first 5 seasons. If you’re a fan of SOA then you will enjoy this episode. If you’re not a fan of SOA then you haven’t seen a single episode. And why is that?

A friend of mine said, “I have too many other shows I’m committed to?” I understand that, but consider this: Breaking Bad is over in 3 weeks and the first 5 seasons of Sons is available on Netflix. It’s time to start looking for something to fill the void the ending of Breaking Bad is about to create.

Another friend said "Oh that's the show with Peg Bundy in it." Give me a break. Katey Sagal's character Gemma is a certified bad-ass. The ultimate "old lady" and you do not want to screw with her. I promise, you will love her (and hate her) then love her some more.

So forget your button down shirts, and your bills and your office job. It’s time to nurture that inner bad-ass biker boy you have deep down inside of you. Go to Walmart and buy yourself a Sons of Anarchy T-shirt (only $7), find your old Levi Jacket and cut the sleeves off of it, grab your favorite beverage and sit down and prepare to be who you really want to be (for at least 1 hour a week). Sons of Anarchy is a Certified ReviewSpew All-Star!

Ka Cirque du Soleil Show at the MGM Grand Review

2013-09-09T08:00:00.000-06:00

This never happened when I was there...false advertising

For a guy who doesn't drink, has terrible luck at gambling, and is too fat and ugly to visit the night clubs, you'd think I'd steer clear of Vegas. Not so, as I took my wife there for our15th wedding anniversary recently. What would I do to occupy my time while there you may ask? Well, let me count the ways.....

Inhale my yearly quota of second-hand smoke -- While only 20% of the people in the US smoke, Vegas feels the need to pamper this 1/5th of the population. As if my guts aren't turning enough as I'm getting my ass handed to me at blackjack...and then a guy sitting next to me fires up a cigar that smells like he found it floating in a toilet. Just because I own a dog that smells like ass, doesn't mean I want to smell burning ass at the casino while on vacation. I hope you die a long painful death cigar-man (that was mean....but necessary).

Collecting handouts along the strip -- Why do our friendly non-english speaking friends have to click their paper porn right in my face? Obviously I'm a "target" out there due to my freakishly large belly and unsightly appearance. They obviously know I don't get lucky much. And if they knew the beautiful lady at my side was my wife of 15 years, they'd confirm their suspicions (to be fair...I wouldn't sleep with me either. I don't blame my wife).

Washed my hands till they bled -- I'm not certain why one of my super powers is "black-light" eyes, but it's a curse. Everywhere I look there are germs...especially in Vegas. Tables, door handles, chips, used condoms on the ground -- you can't touch anything without a 36% risk of contracting something that will make your pee-hole hurt. If you recently saw a creepy fat guy in Vegas opening door handles with his t-shirt, that was me. I'm sorry, but I can't control the weird-ness.

Attended shows -- This is the main point of my review (finally!). We took in a hearty helping of magic acts, comedy shows, and Cirque presentations.

Based on reviews, word-of-mouth, and general curiosity, we traded in my car to afford tickets to the show "Ka" at the MGM Grand. I got a decent deal on the tickets, so they needed to be booked far in advance (and were non-refundable). Why does this come into play you may ask? Well, just a few weeks before our trip, there was a horrible accident where a young lady fell to her death during this show. Ka was shut down for a few weeks, and just started up right before our visit. I'll re-visit this shortly.

Let me save you $250 over the next few sentences. Ka has an enormous set with an amazing pivoting/rotating stage. It's truly awesome. It's very cool to watch it rotate and spin during the show. Unfortunately, this is the coolest part of the whole deal. The story of Ka has something to do with Kung fu, sea turtles, wearing extensive costumes, and Tarzan is a guest host on the show. Does this sound confusing? Good...because so is the show. I still don't truly know what was going on, but my eye-lids started getting heavy during the show, meaning it didn't hold my attention. There is not enough acrobatics, and too much "grandeur" to make this show interesting. Even worse, supposedly the last "fight scene" was cut due to the aforementioned death of the actor. Below are 3 real scenes from this show.

Shadow Puppets -- 2 actors do shadow puppets onto the large rotating stage for like 15 minutes. I wasn't sure if we were supposed to laugh...it was ridiculous.

Porno Tarzan -- In one odd scene, there is a barely dressed Russian Tarzan dude swinging around a large set full of snakes, bugs, and heavy industrial pipes. Supposedly there was some good acrobatics, but I was too busy looking to see if Tarzan's junk was going to fall out of his banana hammock. On a side note, it would have been very impressive if he would have used his appendage as a hand-hold for his lady companion while swinging through the air together. Cirque du Peepee.

They totally air-brushed out his 9 inch trouser-snake

Getting Dressed -- Due to the cut scene, the ending of the show was more disjointed than an episode of Under the dome (what a pile of crap). Instead of a huge fight scene, they put on these big robes and all nodded at each other like they were sitting at a Jedi council. I almost booed....for real. The ending was terrible.

This show wasn't horrible....it just wasn't that great. It might even be a 4-star show with a decent ending. As it was, it snoozed along to a 3-star rating. Stay tuned for my next review of the BEST SHOW in Vegas. Bar none.

Taco Bell Shredded Chicken Menu Review

2013-08-28T05:00:00.001-06:00

I’ve been back to Taco Bell a couple of times lately. They have this new Shredded Chicken menu. The Chicken Burrito is one of my default selections so I figured this might be an interested twist. What really caught my eye was the flagship of this new shredded chicken “fleet” – The Smothered Burrito. I do believe this is a direct response to Taco Time’s recent foray into a higher class of Restaurant style burritos and Chimmis where they serve the item up on a plate with toppings and a little edible bling on the side. I like this new trend that both fast food chains are now entertaining. The smothered Burrito is chucked full of shredded chicken, premium Latin rice, hearty beans and creamy chipotle sauce. Then covered in enchilada-esque sauce, melted cheeses and sour cream. It was extremely good and filling. I’m really loving Taco Bell’s premium Latin rice, although I’m not sure about the name. Is it more politically correct to call it Latin Rice as opposed to Spanish or Mexican Rice. Since I know where I’m eating already why not just call it..oh I don’t know…Rice. I promise not to complain when I order it and it isn’t Japanese Style sticky Rice. Whatever.

But I digress. The only thing with this and a lot of items from Taco Bell is they’re no good for eating while driving. So when I found myself in a hurry yesterday and had to eat on the go, I ordered 3 Shredded Chicken Burritos. When I got to the window there seemed

to be some controversy going on. She went to tell me something then said, “Just a minute”. She shut the window and consulted for a solid minute or two with two other workers. She then opened the window and said, “I’m sorry sir, but there was only enough shredded chicken to make 2 of your burritos. Is it okay if the third one was made with regular chicken?” To which I replied (without any hesitation), “Oh sure, it all comes from the same cat I’m sure.” She just stared at me for about 10 seconds then busted up laughing. She shut the window and obviously was telling the other workers what I had just said and they all started laughing also. Ya. I’m a character. The sad part is if my life depended on it, I could not have told you which of the 3 burritos I ate was the one with the regular chicken and which was the shredded. Same cat indeed. The Shredded Chicken Burrito comes with Shredded Chicken (at least two-thirds of the time), that pesky Latin Rice, cheddar cheese and creamy avocado ranch sauce. Which by the way is absolutely delicious. The whole burrito is a winner and driver approved.

The shredded chicken is also available on a soft taco as well but I haven’t tried it yet. All and all I will say I really enjoy this new twist but since it taste just like their regular chicken it’s probably the smothering of the Smothered Burrito that makes it a winner and it’s probably the avocado ranch sauce I like so much about the new chicken burrito. Or perhaps it’s that Latin Rice I keep making fun of. It really is good. I do believe the shredded chicken could be diced, chopped, pulled, ripped, smashed or actual cat and it wouldn’t make much difference. But all and all it’s been a while since there was an actual new flavor coming out of Taco Bell and I like it.

A few parting thoughts about Taco Bell. What the hell happened to the Baja Chalupa and Gordita?

Oh you can still get it but it cost extra for the Baja sauce. It’s bad enough that they got rid of the Southwest Chalupa and Gordita after only having it for about 3 months and now the Baja is gone also. Only the Supreme remains. And what’s with them always being out of stuff? I’ve been to Taco Bell when they’re out of beans. BEANS!!! This time it was shredded chicken. They’ve been out of hot sauce before. There was that issue with tomatoes that one summer so that wasn’t really their fault but I’m just saying it’s kind of strange isn’t it? And what’s up with the sayings on the hot sauce packets lately? This is crap I use to say to girls in the backseat of my dad’s ’78 Ford LTD. Another reviewer put it best when he suggested that Taco Bell’s sauces are trying to rape him. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me to find one that says something like “You can’t rape the willing”.

So I give the new Shredded Chicken menu at Taco Bell 4 stars and a very high recommendation that you try it. But remember to not let your children read the sauce packets. They might get too many ideas or end up asking you too many questions like “You said the devil works overtime after midnight daddy but this packet says only good things happen after midnight.”. Ay yay yay!

Spicy Wheat Thins and Cheez-It Snacks Review

2013-08-21T05:00:00.000-06:00

Let me start off by saying that I’m a huge snacker. Love to have a handful of salty snacks in my hands while doing pretty much anything: watching TV, reading a book, driving, showering, whatever. Potato chips are probably my favorite but a close second is the cracker. As with chips, the cracker has had a major identity crisis of late. Always trying to gain just a little more market share they keep coming out with more and more flavors trying to find one that hits. What kills me is that they hardly ever beat out their own original flavor. At least in my opinion. Case in point is Wheat Thins and Cheez-Its.

I could eat box after box after box of both Wheat Thins and Cheez-Its in their original flavor, original size, original everything. They are fantastic. If I had to pick one over the other I would prefer Wheat Thins every time. Which leads to this review of these brands’ attempt to “spice things up”.

Wheat Thins has two new flavors contending to be the next addition to my waistline. Spicy Buffalo and Zesty Salsa. They have the prerequisite packaging for such things. Spicy Buffalo has a dark blood red theme with a bottle of hot sauce on its side dripping out what is no doubt molten hot deliciousness. The Zesty Salsa has the Green motif with the Jalapeno pepper featured prominently on its front. From the packaging, both look like they will be hits.

I bought these up, brought them home, cracked open the Spicy Buffalo, took a few into my gaping maw of a mouth, bit down and prepared for the tears that the package promises. Greatest disappointment since hearing my own voice played back to me on a tape deck. There is nothing at all to this crackers. I mean ok, there’s something there, but nothing you could equate to the flavor of Buffalo sauce. These are the worst things to happen to Wheat Thins since the other flavor I had just purchased … Zesty Salsa.

Zesty Salsa flavored Wheat Thins are just gross. They look gross. They have this green fuzzy texture on them that appears to be mold. I’m not joking. It’s so gross. Then the flavor, yikes. I looked around for a stray hunk of poop I could put into my mouth just to get rid of this flavor. What on Earth were they thinking here. So the Spicy Buffalo is not spicy but at least it’s harmless. The Zesty Salsa is just downright disturbing.

Sorry Wheat Thins, you score 0 stars for this feeble attempt. Sandy Duncan must be rolling in her grave (well she would be if she were dead I guarantee it)!!

About a week later I found that Cheez-It brand crackers were also throwing their hat into the Spicy ring with their new cheese cracker they call Zingz. The two introductory flavors of Zingz is Chipotle Cheddar and Queso Fundido. The packaging for both is again what you would expect. Blood red theme with red peppers on them. I was going to complain about the name Zingz but then I realized the spell the word cheese C-H-E-E-Z, so what did I expect. With that in mind I actually like the name Zingz.

I tried the Chipotle Cheddar first. One thing, they have a different texture than regular Cheez-Its. They are a bit thicker and way more crunchy and I like it. I like it a lot. And the flavor, well let’s just get it over with. It’s amazing. Both flavors. I thought with the Chipotle Cheddar I had found perfection and almost didn’t dare ruin it by trying the Queso Fundido but then that flavor turned out to be even better. Let’s just say my 10 year old daughter loves spicy snacks just like me. But she isn’t getting any of these. She can have those crappy spicy Wheat Thins for all I care. These are all mine. In less than 12 hours I have consumed half of both boxes. I’m such a pig.

There is just one thing. The box claims "The Snacking Crunch With A Punch". It's not really a punch. It's not that spicy. I would say it's more like a purple-nurple than anything but who doesn't like getting their nipples twisted? Therefore, Cheez-It Zings you are a certified ReviewSpew All-Star!! And I hope you have long success and come out with even more flavors of this magnitude.

Vertigo Review

2013-08-19T05:00:00.000-06:00

There are a few things that I take for granted when it comes to my brain and body.

1. At the age of 37, I have sufficient experience to know that when I stand up, I have the balance to remain upright and walk as a biped.

2. When I open my eyes, the things in front of me will stay in front of me if I don't move my head and the objects don't move.

3. If I am not moving, I will know that...by the lack of motion of me and my surroundings.

Well, throw all 3 of these out the window because I now suffer from something called Vertigo. Now my brain seems to confuse all of the above. How did this happen? No idea, but the onset was a single event. I remember clearly flopping down on the sofa after dinner one night. This is not uncommon as I generally flop down to watch TV after gorging myself during my evening meal. What better way to work off those carbs than watching 2 straight hours of "So You Think You Can Dance?" The instant I sat down, I experienced a head rush that didn't go away. I looked up and the room was spinning, my head was pounding, and my eyes were freaking out. I went to a dark room to lie down and this only made things worse. I got nauseous, broke out in a cold sweat, and sat in agony for hours. This was the first time I had ever experienced my brain not working.......when someone wasn't touching my penis. To be honest, it is a little terrifying. By morning, it was still there, but the effects had reduced by about half.

So, for 3 weeks I fought with this before getting in to see a doctor. Apparently having your brain not work right is so mild a condition as to merit a 3 week waiting period before a doctor can see you. It ranged on a daily basis from horrible to annoying, but it was always there. I tried adjusting my diet, exercise, caffeine, sinuses, and anything else I could find on the internet (and there is a ton). Nothing changed it. When I finally got in to see the doctor, he did the standard tests and added a head CT because of my history of kickboxing. Guess what? He found absolutely nothing. After a few more tests, he said we would just wait and see what happens. This seems to be the case every time I go to see an "In-Network" doctor these days. I'm pretty sure they have a flow chart of symptoms that all lead to the diagnosis, "Let's just see what happens" or "Come back if it doesn't go away".

Now we are sitting a few months down the road and it seems to have gotten better off and on. Last week I was on vacation and I didn't feel a thing. Today I am back getting ready to go to work after a week off, and I can barely stand up. My wife thinks it is psychosomatic. I can't fathom that stress could cause my brain to spin around in my head, but maybe she is right. If that is the case, I don't see any solution but more time off. Maybe I can take extended medical leave or pursue an Obama program for dizzy people who don't like to work. I don't really know the answer but maybe this is just the new me, dizzy Meatwad. Maybe this is punishment for all the fat jokes and all the people I have made fun of over the years claiming their conditions were all in their heads. Maybe this is Karma for all the times I've asked people "Have you considered diet and exercise?" Maybe my head did finally explode trying to understand the liberal mindset. Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure this brain damage is permanent . Ozzy Osbourne said it best "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." I give vertigo a Big Fat Zero!

Subway Breakfast Sandwich Review

2013-08-14T05:00:00.001-06:00

From the first moment I heard Subway was offering breakfast sandwiches I dismissed the entire notion. No way, no how, never. Gross. But then I found myself right smack dab next to a Subway the other morning and I was feeling hungry so I gave it a try.

I ordered a 6” Bacon, Egg and Cheese on white, toasted. Part of why I dismissed the whole idea is the bread. You can get muffins or flatbread but I don’t know, it just seems unnatural to get something at Subway not on their normal hoagie bread.

My true conflict comes with the idea that there is a plastic vat full of precooked egg disks. There is no knowing where these eggs were actually cooked or when. All I know is they come frozen in large sealed packages, which they take a few out, nuke them for a few seconds and dump into one of their normal vats. The conflict comes because I appreciate the efficiency of this model but if you think about it too long you have to gouge your eyes out because it’s kind of horrifying. They always ask if you want egg white or whole egg and I’m wondering if it’s really a choice between Yellow Die #5 or no Yellow Die #5.

Another problem comes when you go to choose toppings. It’s a breakfast sandwich. Do you go with olives and pickles? No. Onions, Jalapanos and green peppers? Yes. What about Tomatoes? I tried some with and some without and it is kind of weird but I like the tomatoes. Why not mushrooms? That would go good on a breakfast sandwich but they don’t have mushrooms. Here’s the problem with this whole thing. You have to think too much at 7AM in the frick’n morning! You’re not awake yet so why would you pay for the opportunity to have to make 30 quick decisions. Especially the first time when you have no reference to base your decisions on. It’s ridiculous.

And we haven’t even made it to the condiments yet. Subway does not have a single sauce or goo you would want on a breakfast sandwich. Not one. And that’s fine - just don’t get one. McMuffins don’t have sauce and neither do most breakfast sandwiches. If Subway really wants to impress me they’ll get one of those plastic tube thingys full of Hot Country Gravy. Oh ya! I’d ask for extra of that all over the sandwich. MMMMMMMM. Salt? Pepper? Oregano? I guess. Why not.

So in the interest of full disclosure I’ve had this sandwich 4 times now so I’m going to share the perfect combo according to Just Jim. 6” white bread, Egg w/ Yellow Die #5, grated cheddar cheese, bacon. Have them put the toppings on before they toast it. This allows them to cook a little bit and gives it an omelet sandwich kind of taste. Extra Onions and Extra Jalapenos…..

I have to break here and complain about Subway’s service because every time I get to the point that I’m telling her extra Onions and extra Jalapenos she gives me the most disgusted “There is no way I’m kissing your fat stinky mouth” look. I wonder if it’s ever occurred to this flawless-porcelain-skinned 20-something year old that maybe I don’t want to kiss her perfect, full, pouty lips. Who does she think she is with long flowing hair the color of summer wheat waving back in forth in the warm summer breeze of a Kansas afternoon. Kiss her? No way, so just put the extra onions and jalapenos on and stop looking at me that way…..

Where the hell was I? Jeez. Oh. The perfect sandwich. Onions, Jalapenos, a few green peppers but not too much and tomatoes. I’ve tried it with oregano but don’t like it. Have them toast this puppy up, wrap it and get the heck out. It’s delicious with a nice bite. It’s filling but not overly filling. The bread works even though you might think it wouldn’t.

Having said all that I can only give them 3 stars. The egg format is too disturbing, the topping choices too daunting and devoid of mushrooms, there’s no real choice for sauce and no gravy, and the average price for a breakfast sandwich everywhere else is around $3 but the Subway breakfast sandwich is $4. And Miss “you can’t touch my perfectly shaped body” (as if I would want to - yuck) is just too rude for my liking. Hell. Now that I’ve summed it all up like that I’m only giving them 1 star. They can suck it!

FBI Computer Virus Review

2013-08-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

Please welcome a guest review from the "K-mart Cowboy". Give him some love...feel free to comment.

I know that the FBI virus is not a product. Not something that you can use. Not something that one would ever search out. And this is not something that is normally found on the website “reviewspew.com”. But as I thought and pondered about what would be a great review, I decided this would be my perfect debut.

So one evening I sat in front of my computer. My eyes were glazed over as I went through the slew of regular websites.

Facebook. MSN. CNN. Youtube. Facebook again. Pornhub. Facebook. CNN. MSN. Email. Checking how much I've lost in my retirement. Youtube. CNN check. Facebook check

Well...you know the normal stuff we waste our time with everyday. Anyway, as I was going through these websites I started to get a little bored. I figured I'd try to find some free online games that might jog my system. I started off simple with tetris, pong, and other simple games like this. But they would always make me download some crappy demo that ended right as I was getting into it. Almost like blue balls of the brain. I then had the smart idea to try and consult the GOD of the internet “Google” and search from free downloadable games. Because there is no way Google could lead me wrong. I click on the 3rd link that was shown and I began to download a game. The second the download is complete my screen goes black for a few seconds and this pops up.

First off it scared the shit out of me…literally. Maybe it was the fact it was so late. Maybe it was the fact I have endless stacks of illegally downloaded dvds, music, programs etc (kidding of course!) But as soon as this popped up, I started to baste in my own feces. I quickly started to read my fate. It had my IP address. It had my town. It said that I had been accessing “child pornography,” “animal endangerment and abuse videos (one could only imagine what those could be),” and a whole list of crazy charges. Oh, and I don’t know if I mentioned it or not but the particular strain of the virus I had it accessed my webcam and took a picture of me. The picture was less than appealing.

Ok that’s not me, but you get the point. In the back of my mind and I can see myself being carted off to jail for a crime I didn’t commit. With my picture and story being in every newspaper and news network. As I continued to read my fears quickly dissipated. At the end it said that if I wanted my computer unlocked and the charges dropped all I needed to do was give 400 dollars to their PayPal account. Then I realized what it was. You know that feeling you get when your Dr. tells you that you have a curable strain of herpes rather than genital warts…yeah, that’s the feeling I had. So to the assholes who created this virus. I hope your pimples get worse. I hope your mom forgets to back your favorite lunch before you head off to your crappy job at the local food mart and I hope everyone finds out about your “micro-penis”. But to be completely honest…I give your virus a 4 out of 5 stars. I took one star out because It wasn’t quite clever enough to get my money.

Burger King Rib Sandwich Review

2013-08-07T05:00:00.001-06:00

And on bended knee I cried out to the gods of processed pork sandwiches, “Why hast thou forsaken me? Far too long the McRib has gone the way of Limited Time items.” And silence was my reply, until today. Today the gods replied, “There is a new king of processed pork sandwiches, and its name is Burger King.” And the angelic hosts of heaven sang out praises of glad tidings!!! Or something like that.

That’s right boys and girls. On a trip to BK today to get a Double Texas Whopper I discovered that they have not one but two BBQ sandwiches now. I got the one they simply called the Rib Sandwich. The guy with me got the more ostentatiously named Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich.

First of all let me be the first to say, “IT’S ABOUT FRICK’N TIME!!!”. How hard is it to make a McRib-style sandwich and why hasn’t anyone else done it yet.

Second, the appearance. From the wrapper I was instantly disappointed at its size. It seemed small and it was small. You definitely need to order a large fry and a dessert or as I prefer, just a second sandwich when you try this out. As far as how it looked though, I was very impressed. For a moment I almost believed it wasn’t processed pork. Where McDonald’s gave up after forming theirs into a rib-esque shape that is clearly processed, Burger King has gone the extra mile. This actually looks like a real pork chop that has been grilled to perfection. But one bite was all I needed to know it was the processed pork I was truly longing for. Oh ya!!!

Third, how is it built. The sandwich is served on an Artisan roll which is really awesome. Kind of upgrades the whole experience. The BBQ sauce is just the right amount. I’ve complained for years that the McRib is impossible to eat without making a pig of yourself. This one only requires a little diligence to remain unsullied. The Rib itself seems to be slightly battered which gives it a great appearance and is probably why at first I thought it was a real pork chop. It comes with a copious amount of Burger King deli-style pickle slices on it, which I love. The one thing that is missing is the onions.

Fourth, the taste. From first bite till the last mournful bite this was the best damn pork rib sandwich I have ever tasted, ever. The bread is delicious. The meat is tender, juicy and tasty. The BBQ sauce is tangy and not overly sweet or overly spicy. The pickles are crispy, juicy and compliment the overall flavor of the sandwich. The absence of onion is noticed however. Easily solved by just asking for onions next time I order it (which will be soon).

Fifth, is this a long-term thing or just a fling? Turns out like all good things, this too must come to an end after a limited time. Best thing ever would be if BK’s and McD’s limited times on their Rib Sandwiches complimented each other. Then I would be in processed-Hog heaven all year long.

For those interested, the Pulled Pork sandwich comes on the same roll and has no pickles but does have onions and some sort of white sauce on it. My friend said it was really, really good and can’t wait to try it again. So it looks like BK has hit the mark with their 2 new pork BBQ sandwiches.

As for the BK Rib Sandwich I am going to reward it 4 stars. It’s a little small for the price and it’s devoid of onions without asking for them (and possibly getting charged extra), so they lose a star. But wowsers. What a great sandwich. The processed pork sandwich gods have definitely smiled upon us mere mortals with this incredibly delicious sandwich. Get one now before they’re gone.

Sharknado Movie Review

2013-08-05T05:00:00.000-06:00

To the age old question “What would you do if you had a million dollars?”, several common answers likely come to mind. A new house, a new car, retirement, piles of drugs, prostitutes for days, put a hit out on someone you hate, calf implants, buy a complete, mint condition, 1986 Fleer basketball card set, invest in hover-board development (I still can’t believe these aren’t a reality yet), and/or family travel are likely what would pop into the average person’s head. Well, I am happy to say that the movie makers at the SyFy channel have a little broader scope and mindset when it comes to such questions. When offered that fat stack of cash, they went way outside the box to make an investment that is sure to pay off in dividends for years to come. Yeah, they decided to make the scariest movie ever… one million dollars worth of scare to be exact. What’s so scary about this movie you ask? How about the simple fact that they melted the two most terrifying reapers of destruction known to man? Hello, a tornado and a shark! The only thing that could even possibly compare is Sharkning, the combination of lightning and a shark, but the odds of that are just ridiculous, so I think they chose well.

Now this melting of terrors, or terror-squared as I like to call it, is no new thing to the creators of modern B-horror or the SyFy Channel. A slight twist on the “versus” genre (we all remember Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus and Boa vs Python) and some high school level computer graphics have enabled the realization of some other true classics like Sharktopus, Gatoroid, and a whole group of “Megas” including the daunting 2-Headed Mega Shark. But to be honest though, these all pale by comparison in terms of horrific horrors. Those posers are no Sharknado…no sir!

So what did they get for their money? How about 90210’s best actor, Hollywood’s little darling Tara Reid, and all the CGI a sophomore level Computer Science student could muster? The result, a combination of some surprisingly adequate actors, an absurd story line, and subtle humor that makes this a perfect fit for my new favorite B-horror movie of all time. Side note: My previous favorite was Monster Man, a terrifically terrible story of a monster truck killer. The Yoda sex scene is something that one must simply experience; no explanation would do it justice. Just trust me when I say it makes the movie.

Sharknado is hilarious and has a couple of scenes that made even my wife laugh out loud, and she is not a fan of this kind of stuff in the least. The jokes are all subtle and the film does not make fun of itself at all within the movie which makes it all the better. The actors commit and treat it like a true drama as if they were not in on the joke. If you are going to do it, you have got to commit, and commit they did. This was meant to be a horrible movie and does a great job at it. It delivers a new monster, plenty of blood, ridiculous situations and good enough actors to let you enjoy the magic without people tripping over their lines. If you understand the genre, you have no choice but to love this movie. As for the technical accuracy, trust me, I’m an engineer and the science is sound as a pound.

Sharknado is a B-movie hit. That being said, I just saw the preview for Ghost Shark. Can shark lightning strike twice for the Syfy network? I think yes. How can you go wrong with an undead shark? Um..it can't be killed. Keep the great ideas coming because you guys are on the right track. I have also heard they are planning on making Sharknado 2. I don’t know what new ideas they will bring to this perfect combination, but could you imagine if they strapped frickin’ “laser beams” to these sharks? I may never sleep again.

Pedicures For Men Review

2013-07-31T05:00:00.000-06:00

First a little story about my mom. My mom was the best, the absolute best. I’m not just saying it but you’re going to have to accept the fact that I had a better mom than you because mine was the best. But when I was way young, say before I turned 4 or 5 when she was still cutting my toenails for me she use to put me through the worse kind of hell ever. She always cut them too deep and when it hurt she would say “Oh that doesn’t hurt. It just feels funny.” One time she cut so deep my toe bled and yet there she was with the “Oh that doesn’t hurt. It just feels funny.”

Needless to say I have had “foot issues” ever since. I hate people touching my feet and nobody is allowed to cut my toenails for me. I don’t even like cutting my toes myself so I end up doing it once out of every four times I cut my fingernails. I wait till they are long, mangy, yellowish and have so much stuff crammed under them that they start to hurt, and then the smell. Oh my hell, gross.

So last Saturday my wife and I were walking through the mall and we come up to a nail place and my wife says, “Oh can I get a pedicure? Please, please, please?” I say sure. Now I’m sure it’s a sterotype that these places are all full of asian women but in this case it happened to be true. The one comes up and tells my wife to sign in then looks at me and says, “You want pedicure too? Very nice. You like it very much.”

My wife turns to me and says, “They massage your feet and it feels good, you would like it.” So I say “Sure” and sign in right along with my wife. They tell us to walk over to these really comfortable chairs with a small bath tub at the base of it. We take our shoes and socks off. Two asian women come over. 1 was cute, but the other one was gorgeous and had a small tank top on and white short shorts and “Thank you, thank you, thank you” she stopped in front of me and the other took care of my wife.

Instead of giving the rest of this in chronological order let me just tell you my likes here and my dislikes in the next paragraph. I loved that when she saw my feet for the first time (with the mangled, yellowish nails that stunk) she didn’t say anything in Chinese or Vietnamese or whatever to her coworker. I loved how gentle she was to my feet. I loved what I late found out was called an exfoliating scrub. That was pure heaven. For those who don’t know it feels like that gritty liquid soap called Lava although I’m hoping it was something else other than just Lava, and she put it all over my calves and feet and then hand scrubbed/massaged my calves and feet, for like 10 minutes each. That was the best, the absolute best. I liked how relaxed and comfortable the whole experience made me feel. And I loved the tapoment treatment at the end too.

What I didn’t like was being in a fishbowl the whole time. People walking by and pointing and staring. “Look. Jabba the Hutt is getting a pedicure. How cute.” I definitely didn’t like the way she cut my toenails. She clearly wasn’t a boy scout because in boy scouts you’re taught to cut your toenails straight across so you don’t get ingrown toenails. She cut mine rounded and I’m sure in the week or so to come I will get at least one ingrown nail. And yes, she cut deep. How do you say “That didn’t hurt, it only feels funny” in Vietnamese? And speaking about speaking Vietnamese, I didn’t like that I couldn’t understand a damn thing they were saying especially when they were up-selling me. That exfoliating scrub that both my wife and I got, was $5 extra, each. And now I can’t get a pedicure without it because it was my favorite part. I didn’t like not knowing what the hell she was doing when she balled her little fingers up into fist and started beating the crap out of my legs but then it started feeling fantastic. I was later told this is called a tapoment treatment and as I said above, I loved it! I didn’t like that when I was done, she didn’t tell me (an obvious rookie at this) that I was done, so I just sat there watching them paint my wife’s toe and trying to understand when she asked my life “You ant retty tar on yar oes. Ony two dahlah. You want it.” We both just nodded and my wife has pretty stars on her toes now and it only cost 2 dollars more. Which brings me to the last thing I didn’t like. I knew it was going to be $50 bucks for the two of us but it ended up costing me $75. That is some serious up-selling my friends.

I will tell you what though. I loved it. I felt so relaxed the rest of the day, all the next day and even right now while I’m writing this and remembering how it felt, wow I’m feeling relaxed again. Men; I highly recommend getting a pedicure and go with the exfoliating scrub for a bit more. I recommend going to a place not in the mall so you’re not getting gawked at. I recommend not mistaking one of those oriental massage places that doesn’t have any windows for a nail place. The nail place gave me a perfectly good happy ending without committing a single crime thank you very much. Pedicure for men scores four stars!!!!

Hostess "Sweetest Comeback" Review

2013-07-24T05:00:00.001-06:00

Let me give some background and thoughts on me and Hostess. Like any big fat fatty I have consumed more than my share of their snacks. Ding Dongs were in every lunch my mom packed for me for school. Chocolate Donettes were on my desk for every all-nighter cram session during high school and college. Sharing a box of Honey Glazed Donuts became a thing my best buddy and I started doing anytime either of us got dumped by a girl. And Hostess Cupcakes have become one of my favorite snacks.

So when it was announced that they were going away I was a little upset. I’ll be honest. I felt sad. I wasn’t an idiot like so many who went out and stocked piled them. That was mostly people who probably hadn’t eaten a Hostess snack in years but when learning they were going away suddenly felt compelled to start buying them. Probably spent $100 on Twinkies, got them home, all giggly they opened them up, took their first bite and remembered “Oh ya, this is why I never buy these things.” And now had $100 worth to go through. Idiots.

But in the months (or years?? I don’t know and I’m not bothering to look it up) since they went away guess what? I haven’t missed them one bit. If I had the urge for something sugary, there’s always something. The vacuum was filled so quickly with other contenders that it just didn’t matter that Hostess was gone. Honestly the thing that bothered me the most was the loss of Country Pride Split Top Wheat Bread. I loved that stuff and have not found a suitable replacement. Oh well.

So Hostess Snacks are back at least the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria of their fleet is back with others to soon follow. But I didn’t run out and get any. What I did was bump into them on Friday while at my favorite convenience store stocking up on snacks for my weekend alone (wife and kids went to visit family out of state). There they were, back in all their glory. “The Sweetest Comeback in the History of Ever”. Clever marketing I think. I mean it’s cute, but if you’re trying to peddle stuff that has white creme in the center, you should never use the word come. I’m just saying.

But I digress. I did not buy Twinkies. Twinkies maybe their flagship product but they are disgusting, meaningless, worthless globs of nothingness. Yuck. Not yuck actually, just nothing. What I did buy was 3 of my favorite snack standbys. All with the express intent of reviewing them. I could have just as easily bought something else but I thought “what the heck” and bought an Apple Pie, a 6-Pack of Chocolate Donettes and my favorite – Cupcakes. Even the teenage girl who rung them up made a big deal about them. “Oh I’m so glad their back. I missed them so much.” I replied, “I’m so sorry, how did you ever survive.” She retorted “$6.50 fatass!” Just another woman who can’t have me.

That night I tried the Apple Pie. I opened it, took a few bites and must say it was very tasty. It had the exact same texture and flavor I remembered. It was dark in the room as I watched TV and honestly I got halfway through it before I realized something was wrong. I flipped on the light and looked closer. See I had gotten halfway through before realizing I had not bit into a single apple. Not one. I always questioned whether they were real apples or not and decided it didn’t matter. But to not even try to fake me out is insulting to my intellect. I eventually found 1 or 2 tiny chunks of apple but that was it. In the whole pie. Another thing I noticed was there seemed to be much more glaze on the outside, no doubt to mask the fact that they had cut the apple content (IN THEIR APPLE PIE) by at least 67%. They tasted good but you will have to recalibrate your expectations when going to eat them.

Saturday I ate the Donettes. These have always been creepy yet decadent little morsels of deliciousness. Little round nubs of dry cake coated in a waxy shell of chocolate, but by golly I loved eating them. I’ve devoured whole “family-sized” boxes of them all by myself. These have not changed in flavor one little bit. They are still amazingly awesome. Now of course one thing I did notice but it’s not really a show-stopper. These were never perfectly round donuts. I was never under the impression that over-all looks was a big concern with Hostess but at least they tried to make them round and mostly smooth. If Hostess products were humans, these Donettes would be the family from The Hills Have Eyes. They were deformed and misshapen and just weird. But they tasted good. Eat these in the dark.

Sunday I ate the Cupcakes. Yep. I kept the best for last. So far I had been satisfied with my Hostess “Resurrection Tour”. I opened them up and was surprised because I had gotten use to the chocolate frosting from breaking off and getting everywhere. Not with these 2. They stayed on top throughout my consumption of them. What really upset me is they tasted like complete arse. I’m not sure what Hostess did, but trust me…despite what they are claiming, they changed something. These were bitter, like not enough sugar or too much cocoa powder or something. But I could barely get through them. Perhaps it’s like when you season a pan it cooks food better. Perhaps those old Hostess production lines after 50 years or so had developed the perfect layer of gunk on them to produce what we had come to expect. I’m afraid that is gone forever.

Which leads to my point. Who cares? I don’t like their cupcakes, well I guess I’ll have to choose something else next time. No big deal. Hostess you went out of business for a lot of reasons but one of those reasons is people really stopped giving a damn about you and your products. You will most likely fail again because the rush on your products now will soon come to an end. Your death this time will be more like Brett Favre’s second retirement. Your “comeback” (hee hee I said …. nevermind) scores only 2 stars.

The Lone Ranger Movie Review

2013-07-22T05:00:00.000-06:00

In a time where there are very few new ideas in the movie business, the reinvention of a classic has become a genre unto itself. Some have been decent, some have been horrible, but they all require you to bring something new to the table if you want a winner. Case in point, Footloose. The remake had most of the same scenes and even a ton of the exact same dialogue as the original, which made it nothing more than an over-budget copy that didn't translate well to the year 2011. I have seen the original, probably 50 times, and I always leave it with the notion that "I have just got to dance". I felt no such thing from the remake. The horror movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween moved these cult classics into a truly horrific realm. The makers brought new imagery to these "classics" that would make Satan weep. Unfortunately, what made these re-makes a success also ate a small piece of my soul. They made darkness a whole lot darker. Even reworks of children's movies like Alice in Wonderland bring something new with a mixture of eye candy and the perfect combination of Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter. It was great. When you have that cast, you can almost forget the story and you will have a block buster...or so I thought.

Enter "The Lone Ranger". Even Helena and Johnny couldn't breathe life into this snore fest. Besides a huge cast, they really brought nothing new to this old, old, really old "hero". (Just so you don't get the wrong idea that I am a western bigot, Young Guns is in my top 10 movies of all time.) I took my 8 year old and 13 year old to this and they both literally fell asleep for over 60% of the movie (Side note - I only took my kids to this after checking the content advisory, of course. I follow the standard grandma rules, swearing is bad, sex is worse, violence...no problem. The fact that my wife was out of town had nothing to do with my movie choice. ) Johnny does what he does playing the 50/50 mixture of insanity and inebriation which generally works well. In this case, it comes off a little like black-face actors from the early days though. "Red man like fire water." The Ranger himself was supposed to start of weak, I guess, and slowly grow a pair over the course of the movie. Sorry, he was a fancy lad the whole way through. Helena is fun to watch, but I think the movie would have been a much better success if there wasn't a ranger in it at all. Just Johnny and Helena against the world, they could call it Sweeny Todd 2.

They did make the bad guy pretty bad for a Disney movie and the violence was more than I expected from the advertisements. Disembowelment and Disney generally don't go together, so the eating of human heart fresh from the chest cavity was way more than my money's worth. Needless to say, I don't think a new Lone Ranger Ride will be popping up and Disneyland any time soon.

I've read some other reviews, so bashing this further is likely just white noise, but I will speak a little to the score. I realize you have to have the William Tell Overture somewhere in the movie, because it is The Lone Ranger. That being said, it didn't fit at all with the feel of the movie and was very distracting during the final action sequences. It also seemed way too loud and way too long to be appropriate and, in my opinion, ruined the end of the movie.

I don't blame the actors for this one. It just didn't work, when it really should have. Save your money and go to Despicable Me 2, whatever your age, you will enjoy it 100X more.

Michael Kaminski's The Secret History of Star Wars Review

2013-07-17T05:00:00.000-06:00

Star Wars. Has two words strung together ever merited so much thought and discussion? And there’s so many possible discussion topics you can have with those 2 words. Here’s a few: Synthetic or natural crystals make the best lightsaber? How many episodes were originally planned? 1? 3, 9 or was it 12? Is Lucas racists? Would the forest moon of Endor have been destroyed by the destruction of the 2nd Death Star and if the answer is yes, isn’t the Rebellion responsible for the genocide of the Ewoks? Which sucked more: Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones? Does Lucas think he is a God? And on and on and on.

But out of all the possible discussions, the one that sparks my fancy more than any other is this. Did Lucas really have everything planned out exactly as we have seen it unfold in the 6 movies filmed so far? The existence of this debate makes no sense to those under the age of 25 (or those with a social life). But for those of us who were children in May 1977 there seems to be some revisionist history going on over there at Skywalker Ranch.

Spoiler alert….Darth Vader is Luke’s father. But was he always meant to be? Did you know Darth Vader is Dutch for Dark Father? Isn’t that proof enough that Lucas meant it to be that way all along? If not then where does the name Vader come from (answer at the end of this review – stay tuned).

I just finished reading (take a deep breath and try to say this outloud): The Secret History of Star Wars – The Art of Storytelling and the Making of a Modern Epic by Michael Kaminski. Exhale. This 626 page un-illustrated, single spaced tome is chucked full of all the answers revolving around what Lucas now claims was the real “making of Star Wars” and what actually was.

Kaminski sites thousands of interviews (TV, magazine, newspaper) as well as other source material like the Star Wars – The Annotated Screenplays, etc. and pulls together the first ever, comprehensive history of how everything actually went down.

Here’s a few factoids to wet your appetite. We’ve all heard that the making of the first Star Wars movies caused Lucas to have a near mental breakdown but did you know that pretty much the same occurred with Empire Strikes Back? Did you know this is why Lucas finished Star Wars with Return of the Jedi and didn’t film anymore for over a decade? Did you know after Jedi was released, Lucas’ wife divorced him and left him in financial ruin? Did you know that in almost all possible ways, Star Wars was dead and gone by the early 90’s but it was 3 books by Timothy Zahn that gave the whole thing a second life? Did you know the names Mace Windu and Binks were around back in 1976? The “Other” mentioned in Empire Stikes Back was Luke’s sister but it wasn’t Leia and we weren’t supposed to meet her until Episode 7? What happened to Episodes 7, 8 and 9? Ask Lucas and he will now tell you he never planned on making them. Did you know he at one point was saying there was going to be 12?

The real interesting aspect is why Lucas would feel the need to change the story of how it all played out. He’s already credited with being a super genius so why not just let the facts be? He hated writing. He wanted to remake Flash Gordon not an original story. Star Wars was a stand-alone movie. There was no “Episode IV: A New Hope” when it was first released. Pre-production work of Empire Strikes Back was titled “Star Wars II”. These stories were “From the Adventures of Luke Starkiller”, not “The Tragic Story of the fall and redemption of Anikan Skywalker”. Darth Vader was just a thug, a henchman who had very little screen time, who answered to Grand Moff Tarkin and was suppose to die at the end and only survived to give the movie that “Stay tuned next week ….” Feel. There never was a leather-bound binder filled with parchment paper and the words “The Journal of the Whills” scratched onto the front page by ink and quill which detailed the entire account from Qui-gon Jinn flying to Naboo to settle a trade dispute to the Ewoks celebrating their victory over the empire on Endor. Darth was not a Sith title it was Vader’s first name. And where did the name Vader come from? Lucas mentions that in high school he was the nerdy drama type who got picked on by the jocks all the time. Star Football player Lucas’ graduating year was named…..Gary Vader. So why the need to change the history to make himself look even more impressive? Because Lucas does think he’s a God and this book gives him the smack down he deserves for making us endure a 10-year old Anikan Skywalker. Yippee!!!!!!!

A must read for certain types of Star Wars fans like myself. If you think Empire Strikes Back was the most boring episode, I have a bar of unused Jar Jar Binks soap I’d like to sell you (mint in package $ 0.20). The Secret History of Star Wars gets 4 stars.

Burger King's 50 Cent Ice Cream Cone Review

2013-07-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

It's routinely in the triple digits during the summer months where I'm living. This is great when we're out on the lake, as the cool water provides a great cool-down. Other things aren't quite so nice....$200 A/C bills, $200 water bills to keep the grass green, $30 a month for baby powder to keep my crotch from getting heat rash. You know...the things you can't live without.

To help stay cool on the cheap, I chain-eat otter pops, head to Sonic between 2-4 for their half-price drinks, and wear little more than tighty whities when mowing the lawn. To my surprise, Burger King has decided to help this cause by offering 50 cent ice cream cones during the summer.

Burger King is home of the liquid smoke smell. It's generally on the "no-visit" list at lunch as I'm not a big fan since they got rid of the chicken fries. But 50 cent cones??!! It was a must try.

I know what you're thinking...a 50 cent cone...It's probably a 3-lick 30 second treat. No...that actually describes my bi-yearly sexy time with the wife. The cone is really quite decent in size. I wouldn't rename it the Dirk Diggler, but maybe it could be called the Rick Diggler...his slightly less endowed Great Uncle.

Unfortunately, they only serve vanilla, but that shouldn't deter you from giving this cheap treat a try. Especially as one of the greatest things in the world is the "end-of-the-cone" bite at the bottom that's full of melted ice cream. Delicious!!

I compared this 50 cent cone to some of the other treats I've purchased recently. It really puts things into perspective.

1 Nutter Butter Blizzard at Smashburger = 9 BK Vanilla cones
1 King-size Snickers = 4 BK Vanilla Cones
Large Coke at the Movie Theater = 87 BK Vanilla cones

As you can see, this cheap delicious treat will keep my waistline and checkbook fat. This is the summer of Matt...the summer of Matt!! 5 Delicious stars.

Diary Queen's S'more Blizzard Quick Hits Review

2013-07-12T15:00:00.000-06:00

Adding marshmallows to ice cream is like adding cheerios to chex mix. It is a non-event. Its taste, texture, and creamy fluff are completely redundant. All you are left with is a combination of chocolate chunks and graham crackers, and unless you are toothless or an infant, graham is probably not on your top 10 treats list. DQ, just bring back the peanut butter crunch blizzard and stop this “creative” nonsense. 1 star.

1,420 calories of funky chocolate covered marshmallow cream and soggy graham crackers? Gross. 0 stars

1,420 calories of frankly great chocolate covered marshmallow cream and crispy graham crackers? Delicious. 4 Stars. Not as good as a Nutter Butter blizzard, but a solid offering. Plus...they always remember to "flip the blizzard" upside down to prove it's heft.
By the way...1420 calories is for the "gallon" size. You'd have to be a sick freak to eat that much ice cream in one sitting. (Just call me a sick freak)

Dairy Queen's S'more Blizzard gets a quick hits average of 1.66666666666666666666666666666666666666666 (goes forever) stars. We'll round up to 1.75.
Review Spew says you should PASS on this.