Review Spew

Got Milk! Chocolate Magic Milk Straws Quick Hits Review

2012-05-25T05:00:00.000-06:00

How did that Mary Poppins song go? A spoonful of sugar helps the milk go down? No that wasn’t it at all. This is the most insulting product to come down the pike since pixy sticks got us to consume pure sugar by the stick full. 0 Stars

I decided to try the straws with some other liquids.
Mt Dew -- Fail
Tab -- choking...hacking
OJ -- So gross
Red Bull -- Surprisingly better than OJ
Kahlua and Milk -- Score
2 stars just for the unique idea.

These don't work at all. You have to hold your sip half way up the straw to get any kind of flavor. This was fun for about 3 sec. before I realized that I only tasted the milk. 1 star….just buy some Quik, you lazy bastard.

Quick Hits Average of 1 star. :(

Smashburger Wedge Club Burger Review

2012-05-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

The popularity of the lettuce wedge salad is confusing to me. Cut a lettuce head into 1/8ths, and then top with miniscule amounts of bacon, tomatoes, onions, and blue cheese crumbles. If this came in chopped salad form, we'd complain about meager toppings. Yet make it look like it just came from the fridge, charge twice as much, and women everywhere rave over how delicious it is. Plus, they are making you do all the work. I like my salad to come all mixed up with bite-size pieces of "everything" on each forkful. Give me a wedge salad, and I'll need to chop, split, and mix before I can enjoy it. No thanks.

Due to the popularity of the lettuce wedge salad, Smashburger decided to take a perfectly good burger, and stuff a wedge inside. The toppings on this burger are applewood bacon, blue cheese crumbles, an iceberg wedge, ripe tomatoes, red onions and blue cheese dressing The very idea didn't sound too promising--but I only pre-judge when it comes to gender and religion...not burgers, so I gave it a go.

My last burger experience at Smashburger was a rousing success. I had hoped this would be the same, so I forked out my 12 bucks for a burger/fries/drink, and took a seat at a booth with a much thinner wallet.

I'll rate this burger on a few key items:

Appearance: Smashburger does a good job with presentation. The "burger" half sits next to the "topping" half, and you get to be the one that initiates the hamburger copulation. The "topping" half was literally a small lettuce wedge salad balancing precariously on a delicious egg bun. I was impressed as I thoroughly enjoy lots of crispy vegetables on a burger. Thumbs up.

Put-together-ness: I like my food to be put together well. I don't want to take a bite of something, and all the toppings fall out the ass-end of my buns. (egg buns) Carls Jr. is the biggest offender of this. They slather on copious amounts of mayo onto unreal amounts of quasi-lettuce, and your sandwich turns into a meat patty skating rink. That's why they put the paper around the burger, or you'd end up with white mayo stains all over your crotch. (leave it be)
The wedge club burger is HORRIBLY put together. First, unless you can stick your fist in your mouth, good luck fitting this burger in for a bite. Second, each bite was literal pandemonium. Bacon bits falling out, blue cheese crumbles falling down my shirt, the lettuce wedge trying to escape the ghastly clutches of my buns at every bite. It was a mess. Third, because of this mess I had created, I had to use my grubby mitts to pick up all the loose pieces of food. (I always clean my plate) I dislike "blue cheese fingers". Big thumbs down.

Taste: Does this burger taste good? If you can overlook the oral apocalypse that takes place, then yes it is. But this is also a good burger when I order it from a thousand other places. It's called a blue bacon cheeseburger. I remember ordering it from the Training Table 20 years ago. No thumbs on this.

Value: Smashburger is expensive. Very expensive. If I spend 7 bucks on a burger, I am expecting bottomless french fries, or a sensory experience like none other. This burger gave me neither. Thumbs down.

I suggest you take the majority of the lettuce wedge off the burger, and eat it as a side salad. (I just saved you 3 bucks) Then you peel off one piece of lettuce, place on buns, and you have a good old-fashioned blue bacon burger--without your place-setting looking like a 3 year old was just there. Fortunately, this burger is only available for a limited time. Let's start a letter campaign to bring back the Fresh Mex Burger.

1 Sloppy Star

Lego Harry Potter Hogwart's Castle Review

2012-05-21T05:00:00.000-06:00

I've been known to spend exorbitant amounts of cash on toys for my kids, particularly if I think it will be educational. That being said, my seven year old is obsessed with Legos. He has quite an aptitude for them as well. We have purchased many of the little sets and have now graduated to the larger ones as the previously mentioned take about 5 min. for him to put together. For the most part, Legos are grossly overpriced, everyone knows this. You can spend a small fortune on the things but I do think they are great for creativity, following directions, and methodically working on a project. So, I drop the cash like a good Dad should and my kid goes nuts. We have purchased both of the Pirates of the Caribbean ships and he has put them together without help, which is no small feat. He spent hours and hours over several days working on them and when he was done, had some impressive ships. I was also quite proud of the fact that he figured out how to assemble them and follow the schematics on his own. He played with them non-stop for many more weeks after they were built, and they are now in the normal rotation of other toys. Mostly though, they just decorate his room like a model.

Now I come to my most recent purchase from the Lego world. My son wanted the Lego Hogwarts castle set, yup, the big one, $130 on Amazon.com. I told him that he would have to save up his money, do extra chores, and if he was diligent, it would still take him several months to pull together that kind of scratch. So, we setup a spreadsheet and he went to work. Long story short, he saved, he waited, and with a little help from Dad, he had enough to buy it on May 1st. I ordered it a couple of days early so he would have it right on the 1^st as we had planned. When it got here the box looked great, it was massive, and he was psyched. Off he went, working away for hours and hours again, and he again finished it in a couple of days. When he was done, he brought me in to look at his masterpiece and I was a little shocked. The thing is tiny. The box alone infers a massive castle, the price demands a monstrous dwelling, what he ended up with was a tiny shack. If you set this next to the previously built Pirate ships, they dwarf it. He even asked me why it looked so small, I just said that they make it that way so the other Harry Potter sets are scaled properly, but that was a blatant lie. I just didn't want him to be disappointed that he got ripped.

To be completely fair, it does have several cool little hidden doors and a spiral staircase that collapses. There are lots of little details that are pretty cool and there are at least eleven of the movie characters in the box, but overall, this was the most disappointing Lego set we have ever purchased, and it was 130 BUCKS! I don't know how Lego prices these, if it is strictly by the number of pieces, or by the pound, but if you send me a monstrous box with a gigantic picture of a castle on the side, you better have a resultant project with some mass. I realize that compared to the other "block" toy manufactures, you have the corner on the market, and I also agree that the quality of the pieces is always good and they fit together well, but good grief, if I have to spend my monthly mortgage payment for a set, make it something that doesn't disappoint a seven year old. Even in his three foot tall world, this thing is tiny.

Note: I found this picture on the internet of a (roughly) 3 year old sitting next to the complete castle. I blurred his/her face to protect the innocent but it gives an idea of the underwhelming size of the finished product.

Break.com Website Quick Hits Review

2012-05-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

Love the pics even more than the vids. Next to "The People of Walmart" this is my go-to site for humorous pics of the over-sized and under-privileged. Makes me feel much better about myself. 5 stars.

Definitely a site I would never care to waste time on when i'm at home. (I'd rather visit reviewspew.com) But at work there is hardly a better time waster. Just remember to stay away from nsfw. 4 stars.

The funniest site that I'd never admit to visiting. The mobile app is actually much better and easier to navigate than the classic website--which is far too busy for an old man like me. (Ads, videos, links, etc) I remember the good old days of break--just funny pictures and topless girls. 3 Stars.

Never been here but an entire website dedicated to Kit Kat Candy Bars sounds very good to me. 4 Stars.

Quick Hits average of 4 Stars!!

Winchester Gun Safe Review

2012-05-14T05:00:00.000-06:00

I like to stay organized. I admit that I get excited when I see storage boxes with small compartments for organization. Everything has its place and when you need something, you know right where it is. When my closet or desk drawer is perfectly organized, I derive pleasure from just looking at everything sitting exactly where it is supposed to be. It is a beautiful thing.

Yeah, I'm a little sick. Maybe even a little OCD, but in general, I rarely lose anything, so my ailment isn't without merit. Pair this with the fact that I love guns and have kids around the house and I have no choice but to pursue a versatile, highly organizable, personal Fort Knox to house my collection. For the last 15 years I have had a sheet metal Stack-On 14 gun safe and it has served its purpose as far as keeping them locked-up and out of the hands of the kiddos. Frankly, other than that, it was horrible for organization, accessory storage, and providing accessibility to the guns. I pretty much had to empty the entire thing any time I wanted to get a gun out of it. I also own exactly 14 guns, so adding to my arsenal was an impossibility with the old safe, it was bursting at the seams.

By the way, for any of you fancy lads that think that just because I own 14 guns and want more, that I am some kind of freak, you should read the Bill of Rights. The 2nd amendment states very clearly that we have the right to bear arms so that during a zombie apocalypse we will be able to rise against the undead, shave our heads and bodies, wear loin cloths and spray-painted football pads, and lead the unarmed masses in reclaiming the earth. Your effeminate, emaciated, organic-vegetarian body will not acclimate well to our new cannibalistic lifestyle. You will need a leader, and I will be there to accept your offerings, take your women, and relegate you to a life of labor because of your gluten-free, anti-gun sentiment. As for your woman, bathe her..and bring her to Meatwad.

To say there is a wide price range for gun safes would be the understatement of the century, particularly if you are looking for something of size. I couldn't bring myself to spend more for the safe than all of its contents would be worth, so I kept my eye out for something big, cheap, and ostentatious. I think my wife must have had the same criteria when choosing me as a husband. I pretty much decided that $1500 was the minimum required for what I wanted, so I figured there was no safe in my immediate future. That's when I found my holy grail. Costco, master of bulk and variety, had a 51 gun safe, with electronic lock, made by Winchester, on the floor for a cool eight-fitty. It has shelves that can be rearranged, a small feed-through hole for a dehumidifier cord, and although it is technically fire-rated for only 30 min (although it was advertised as 45min), it weighs 700-800 lbs so it is pretty sturdy like the higher rated safes. Good enough for me, sold.

Getting it home was a problem as Costco doesn't deliver, so I had to borrow a truck to get it to my house. It took 4 of us to get the monstrosity into the house and over a single step, but after that, setup was a breeze. Stairs wouldn't have happened period, not with these twelve inch "guns" I'm sporting. Also, not bolting this thing to the floor is NOT an option. (how’s that for a double negative?) Like Rosie, it weighs a ton but is pretty tipsy. The door weighs a couple hundred pounds and when swung open, can cause the safe to rock off balance, so you better bolt it down.

Sure it takes up half of my office and makes me feel like a teller at Wells Fargo. Maybe it does scream overkill for a house that should probably have wheels underneath and reside in a"park", but in the end, I do have room to expand my guns and a place to store my wife's collection of silver dollars. Even though this is the less expensive option for gun enthusiasts, I like it, and so far, it has served me well. Bring on the Zombies.

Altoids Smalls Sugar-free Simply Mint Quick Hits Review

2012-05-11T07:00:00.000-06:00

Poop of any size or shape is still poop. Making crappy mints smaller or even sugar free just makes them smaller and crappier crappy mints. 1 star

Altoids smalls sugar free simply mint – Surprisingly powerful. Love these things and definitely help battle my chronic halitosis. My wife gives them 5 stars.

I'm kind of partial to the original Altoids. Bulky, not very round, sharp edges, chalky texture. These are like the Mazda Miata of breath mints. Small, smooth, sugar-free, and girly. And yes....I buy these all the time. 3 stars.

Quick Hits Average of 3 stars!!

Brandilyn Collins' Gone To Ground Book Review

2012-05-09T05:00:00.000-06:00

I am an avid reader. Since the age of 11 I have chain read one book right after the other. Finish one, put it down grab another. A few years ago, I took an accounting of what my favorite and least favorite books were and I discovered that almost all of the books I disliked were written by women. Some of my favorites have been by women too, but for the most part, the books I hate the most are from female authors. I have therefore tried to stay away from female authors ever since. I have so little time that I must be picky about what I read.

So when I was first asked by my boss here at Reviewspew.com if I wanted to read and review the new novel by Brandilyn Collins; Gone To Ground, I knee-jerk responded with “Hell no” and got real eloquent and said “I ain’t got no time to read something writ by a woman.” The manager of Reviewspew.com is pretty smart though and rebutted with “She’s a redhead.” “Oh, well that’s a tiger of a whole different stripe then,” I responded.

So I looked her up and as advertised, Brandilyn Collins is a redhead, and not just a redhead but an extremely attractive, nay sexy redhead. She’s also close to my age which made her all the more attractive to me. But I wasn’t convinced quite yet. Then, in the middle of the night, I awoke with this voice in my head saying, “If you review it, she will come”. So I read it and now I’m reviewing it, all with the full intention of luring Brandilyn Collins into a meet-n-greet or a lunch or something along those lines. Her bio says she maintains a home in Idaho, so it’s not that far of a stretch of the imagination.

Enough about that, time for the review. The gist of the book, without spoiling it anymore than the back cover does, is there’s been a serial killer in this really small, isolated town. All the victims are women of various ages, mostly older until the most recent one which is younger. The victims have all been killed with their own kitchen knife, with a single stab to the back of the head, and were all found in their closet. Now three different women have absolute proof of who did it, but they are thinking of three different men. Pretty gripping stuff and it does grip you throughout the book.

The book is written in 1st person from the point of view of the three women; each chapter focusing on a different woman. It took a couple of chapters to get use to that but after that adjustment, the book flows very well. It’s a real page-turner with a great twist at the end of it. Well written prose and dialog throughout. Ms. Collins said she had never written a book that took place in the south before, and I’ve never been to the south before but the accents and dialects seemed spot on.

I do live in a small town though and she has captured the problems and plights of small-town living perfectly. Everybody knows about Billy Joe Wilkins, the kid down the street that got drunk with his buddies and went around bashing mailboxes with a bat. But now he’s 40 and running for mayor. Or what about Peggy Ann Fergusson who started gaining weight when she was 15 and left town for 5 or 6 months and then came back skinny without any explanation. She’s the head of the PTA now.

See in a small town you cannot hide from your past, and no matter what you may accomplish in your life, your resume is written with indelible ink in the minds off all of those who knew what a dumbass you were when you were young. Now somebody in the town, who you have known your whole life, is murdering women. Hey I remember Johnny Striker was pretty good with a knife back in Boy Scouts. Maybe it was him. Living in a small town is less like paradise and more like abiding in hell.

I enjoyed the hell out of this book and certify it a Reviewspew All-Star. Ms Collins, if you’re reading this, don’t forget me next time you’re in Boise. I’m definitely free for lunch anytime you want. One of the other reviewers will probably have to chaperone though .

PS3 Wireless Headset review

2012-05-07T06:00:00.000-06:00

I hate to make this comparison, but I'd say I'm the Amanda Bynes of Review Spew. I felt that it was okay to retire at a young age and ride off into the sunset. The only problem is, Amanda Bynes never did much worthwhile while she was acting. (I have a feeling many of you may be asking who she even is.) There comes a time when every former Disney star needs to hit rock bottom, get a DUI, and decide to come back to acting. Consider this my return.
So a few months back I started researching home entertainment headphones compatible with my PS3. Now, why would anyone want to wear large headphones in the privacy of their own living room. Well, let's just say that my daughter goes to bed but is a light sleeper, in turn, I have become very accustomed to using subtitles with every Netflix show I watch. Yes, you heard that right. Subtitles for movies that aren't even foreign to start with. The second reason is that I just got a copy of the game Dead Space 2, which has been heralded as "the scariest game of all time!" Well how scary is a game supposed to be on low volume? Not scary at all, why do you think girls plug their ears during scary movies.
I did my research and immediately focused on Turtle Beach headphones. There were a few things that stopped me from purchasing them, including the fact that there are like 19 different versions and variations on the same theme. Should I get the PX, P90X, MX300, Super Soaker 2000, I just couldn't decide. The more I researched this, the more people I found who owned Turtle Beach headphones. The majority of these people were Xbox gamers who played Call of Duty in a fundamentalist religious fashion. After hearing rave reviews about Turtle Beach, I checked out some youtube reviews. Good thing I did, because I saw that there were around 37 different connections and a 12 foot wire that I'd still have to drape across the room. The only wireless headset for Turtle Beach is over $200. You see, I was in the market for completely wireless headphones and my price range was closer to $120.
I then saw the Sony headset. I wasn't in love with the look at first. They are bulky looking and add several inches to my already oversized cranium. But at a price tag of $99, I took a risk. I'm glad I did, There is a cushion around the entire plastic strap. The actual earphones themselves are very comfortable. The best part of all is that all it takes for them to work is a USB drive and you've got wireless action ready to go. The pros of this headset is 7.1 surround sound, a retractable microphone just in case you want to play Call of Duty and swear at 15 year olds, and volume control right on the earpiece.
There is one negative. I feel like a mega-nerd wearing an antenna on my head, especially when my wife comes into the room and rolls her eyes at my appearance. My recommendation, forget the cords. Buy these for your PS3 or Mac/PC.
As a side note, I have started watching Band of Brothers with these and my life is changed. I can hear bullets flying past my left and right. Also, it's true what "they" say, With the headset on, Dead Space 2 is the scariest game ever made. 5 Stars.

Digiorno Pizza & Wyngz Pepperoni with Buffalo Quick Hits Review

2012-05-04T06:00:00.000-06:00

Pizza and wings. Those are the two sweetest words known to anyone with testosterone. They are so beloved because they are so simple. It is nearly impossible to ruin either one. I said nearly impossible because Digiorno has managed to do the unthinkable. The pizza is edible if you're hungry, but the wyngz are spelled so because they are nothing of the sort. If you want a facsimile just order chicken nuggets and moisten them in a mediocre sauce. 0 stars

Sorry, there’s just something downright obscene about Digiorno’s rising dough. I don’t need my pizza acting like a 15 year old boy in math class when it’s game day and the cheerleaders are all in uniform. 1 star

Way overrated, nothing like delivery. Wangs ain't bad, but I'd take Papa Murphy's any day if I wanted to cook it myself. 2 stars

If you're really hungry and consume this entire package, it will set you back a cool 2k calories and about 7 bucks. A small price to pay for greasy deliciousness. 4 Stars.

Quick Hits Average of 1.75 Stars!

Tap Poker Social Edition IOS App Review

2012-05-02T05:00:00.000-06:00

I fancy myself a gambler, and by gambler I mean someone who always walks out of a casino with no money. I've even been known to borrow money from friends for the over-priced buffets as I'm usually out of money by lunchtime. I'm not quite certain if I'm just unlucky, fairly dim, poor at math, too impulsive or E) all of the above.

I can't even get a break on the slots. They are supposed to pay out at over 98%?!! Yeah right. I'll play the penny slots, and each spin will cost me roughly 3 bucks. 10 minutes later, my $20 is gone--on the penny slots. You've got to be kidding me.


Kenny Gambled with plastic surgery

After far too many penniless excursions to the casinos, I tried my hand at hold 'em poker with friends. I've played roughly 30 tourneys with my buddies, and netted exactly 1 win. (a winning percentage well below the Mendoza line) After walking away with $35, I crowned myself the next Phil Ivey, and decided to graduate to online poker. I found a primer on different gambling sites (casinotop10.net/), and joined a couple of them to get some practice. I played in a number of tournaments, but was quickly dispatched by others whose skills were far superior than mine.

I then decided to start my professional Poker career a little smaller...like mobile phone small.

I reviewed all the popular Texas hold 'em apps on Itunes with high ratings, and for some reason chose one that wasn't rated as high. It's like I wanted a 15 seed to beat a 2 seed in March Madness. I wanted to be on that "little buy" bandwagon. I chose to install Tap Poker Social edition.
This app is fairly similar to other Texas Hold 'em Apps. You get chips every day to play with, and there are varying dollar values of tables to play. I thought I'd head on in, and go all-in with all my chips on the 4th hand. I lost, and Tap Poker offered me more chips....for like $19.99!!! All mobile apps from the Smurfs, Farmville, to Vampire Wars have one aim in mind--to make you pay for extras. This one is no different.

The next day I logged back on armed with more daily chips. I found a table with only one other player who obviously wasn't present or alive. I blinded him into oblivion, and roughly doubled my money in no less than 7 hours. Feeling confident from my fresh victory, I ran a victory lap around my home, and checked out the other features of the game.

The big selling point is that you can have "friends", and communicate with each other while playing. Everyone can have a profile picture, and chat to their heart's content. Yeah...a pedophile's paradise.
As you play, you can see each of the people on the table, and the pictures they upload for their profile. I don't know about you, but I prefer cartoon-esque representations of people for their profile picture. I don't want to see images of creepy dudes while I'm trying to land a straight draw. And dudes-a-plenty there were. Every table I joined, there were dudes....lots of dudes. It was a bonafide sausage-fest.
There was never a normal profile picture of a dad pushing his kid in a swing, or a husband on vacation with his wife in Hawaii. There were multiple ZZ Top-esque dudes, dudes without shirts who looked like GQ models (yeah right), and LOTS of dudes whose pictures were of chicks in bikinis. How do I know that these were dudes? Because 90% of the pictures of women looked roughly 19, and most were Asian. Umm...yeah. Did I mention that this was a major Brodeo?

100% guarantee that these are all people with testicles

Let me highlight the features of this App:
-- If you like dudes, this is the app for you. A regular Banana Republic.
-- There is a 59% chance of meeting someone currently listed on the Sex Offenders watch list
-- Most of the English wording was written by someone from Asia. The rules/script for the game reads like an AT&T service call.
-- You'll lose your chips quickly as most people bet everything on every hand. I felt like punching every dude in there.
-- Each hand takes a LONG time. If you like to play Hold 'em when on the john at work, you'll only get through 2 hands or so, which is OK, as you'll lose all your chips by then anyway.
-- Did I bring up the fact that this is a monstrous penal colony?

This Hold 'em app delivers nothing new to the already crowded Poker mobile software field. In fact, it does it much poorer than most of it's peers. Tap Poker Social Edition goes all-in for a 1-star rating.

Blowing Kisses, Winking and Smiling Review

2012-04-30T05:00:00.000-06:00

Something happened the other day that shocked me right out of my boots. Stuck in heavy traffic on a 4 lane road, I’m over in the right lane. Not at a complete standstill, but close. I notice up ahead that a woman in a car is trying to get out into my lane of traffic and nobody is letting her. I thought for sure somebody would before I got there, but nobody did. For me it was just second nature to pause and let her in. Then she did something so inexplicable that it caused me to have an epiphany. She blew me a double kiss (smack, smack) as she was getting into my lane. The tingling that started rising from my toes, up my legs, skipping the naughty parts (because it wasn’t that kind of feeling), through my belly, further up my spine, all the way to the tips of what hair I have left on my head, was the most incredible feeling I’ve had since the day I discovered M&Ms come in 2-pound bags.

The feeling lasted for hours and the epiphany that came with that feeling was “nobody blows kisses anymore” and of course by “nobody” I meant women. A man blowing kisses is just wrong, unless you’re gay, in which case blow all you want. For men, a wink, I believe, is the equivalent. I’m a huge fan of winking at people. For me it’s a way of saying “thanks” or “I enjoyed our conversation” or any number of things that match the situation at hand to say I enjoyed this time with you, no matter how brief or long it may have been. Women can wink too, but unfortunately, most men will take it as a sign of some sexual attraction by the woman for the man. Stupid men. This might be why all these gestures started going away. A woman blows you a kiss or winks at man or even smiles and the guy goes into “Wolf on prowl” mode.

Speaking of smiling, which is the unisex version of this type of gesture, both men and women should smile more and not just at the opposite sex but at each other. Let me give you another example. I’m driving down the street. A woman passes me on my left. I look over, she looks over her shoulder at me and she gives me the biggest smile; a real genuine smile, that caused me to smile and reflexively wink at her which made her smile even bigger. That’s it. I didn’t follow her home, nor did I even have drawn out, fantasies about her. This was just an unspoken and genuinely wonderful connection between two strangers passing by each other.

Some might be thinking at this point, “Well yeah. You’re a hideous hutt of a man, so of course any kind gesture flung your way is going to knock your socks off” and you would be correct. That does not mean that I am incorrect. I fancy myself a student of human behavior and I have noticed that these three things, blowing kisses, smiling and winking our becoming a very rare thing on the verge of extinction in our society and I find that to be a greater travesty than global warming or the cancelling of Jericho (No I’m still not over that).

I think it’s a symptom of the fact that we are growing more cold, more callous, and narcissistic as a people. I think we should rethink this and try and turn this trend around. Almost needless to say, I give blowing kisses, winking and smiling 5-stars, and hope like heck that we can all try to reincorporate these gestures back into our life. Forsake flipping the bird, forsake the scowl, the finger’n’thumb loser sign, the contemptuous-judgmental furrowed brow, the blatant refusal to acknowledge my existence on the planet, the tripping me while on stairs, the shoves from the back, the bitch-slaps, the donkey-punches to the head, the name calling, etc, etc. I digress, I was having an 8th grade flashback. Sorry. Anyway, look forward to my follow-up review titled “Cat-calling, leering and goosing”.

Degree Men Everest Adrenaline Deodorant Quick Hits Review

2012-04-27T05:00:00.000-06:00

I don't jump out of airplanes, rock-climb, or "take it to the extreme." (except when I eat) But I do sweat... A LOT! As a middle-aged fat guy, I only produce adrenaline when the aroma of Little Caeser's crazy bread hits my nostrils, and I hit the ground running. These are the times I'm grateful for Degree Everest deodorant. It does it job...and smells mighty nice. 5 stars

I dare you to wear this while eating a Peppermint Patty. You’ll get hypothermia. 4 stars.

EVEREST FOR THE MANLINESS MAN A MAN COULD POSSIBLY BE! Give me a break. 0 Stars.

Degree Mens Everest Deodorant gets a Quick Hits average of 3 stars!!

Collecting the 1987 Topps Wood Grain Baseball Card Set Review

2012-04-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

I've delved into some fairly disastrous hobbies in my life. They all have similar traits.
1. They suck money out of your wallet
2. They generally aren't any fun
3. It takes even more money to continue the hobby
4. When you look back on the hobby, you'll be terribly disappointed

The list is a veritable graveyard of bad decisions.
-- Radio control cars/trucks. (THOUSANDS of dollars...and my fingers still smell like nitro fuel)
-- Radio control airplanes. (After repetitive crashes, it may have been one of the only times my children heard me utter the 4-letter bomb)
-- Auto-surfing ponzi scam. (I won't even describe this colossal mistake...go Google it)
-- Trick roller-blading. (Cool guys don't "grind" with roller-blades)
-- $$ Fantasy Sports leagues. (20 years--tons of cash on entry fees--no 1st place finishes)
-- Penny stocks. (I did not discover the next Apple...not even Snapple. More like Crapple)

The list continues, but none...I mean NONE can compare to collecting baseball cards.

The year was 1987. I was a skinny short 6th grader who was still a good 3 years from puberty. Rather than attempt to fit in with normal children, I decided to collect baseball cards. Specifically, I chose to collect the 1987 Topps Wood Grain baseball card set.

As (un)luck would have it, the packs were cheap. For 50 cents, you could get 16 cards and a piece of gum so hard, that it came in at about a 7 on Mohs mineral hardness scale. The set had 792 cards, and I used every dime I earned (and "borrowed") to buy cards.
The collecting was great fun at first. I accumulated cards in the set quickly, and before long had at least 90% of the entire set. Unfortunately, rather than focus on cards that might be worth money (Bonds rookie), I focused all my attention on completing the set. I purchased pack after pack, traded with anybody that would listen, and paid 25 cents for commons at the local card store. I would even secretly open packs in the store to insure that cards I did not own were in the pack...and then take them up front at the gas station to buy them. It was a pathetic scene...a lonely 11 year old hovering over baseball cards--committing a misdemeanor in search of Vance Law.

Finally, the day came when the entire set was complete. I proudly placed the entire set into plastic sleeves to share with my grandchildren in future years. I dreamed of the riches I would have when cashing these in one day. A mint set of 1987 Topps baseball cards...I would be the only one!!
Except I was not the only one. Little did I know that in the mid 80's, card collecting became a popular hobby for millions nationwide. To cash in on this popularity, card manufacturers started printing millions and millions of cards. My meager understanding of economics tells me that when supply is close to infinite, demand becomes very low. Basically 99.8% of baseball cards made from the mid 80's to 93 are not worth the crappy cardboard they are printed on.

If I ever get feeling too good about myself, I throw in a dose of reality and go check eBay for the selling price of the 1987 Topps wood grain set. As of yesterday, I could pick up a BRAND NEW SEALED full set for $9. Nine dollars. Nine DOLLARS!! MF!!!
As (un)luck would also have it, I collected garbage pail kids--1st and 2nd generation at the same time. I decided after my collecting days were over, to peel the stickers off the cards and place them in a sticker book rendering them worthless. While I safely stored my baseball cards in a climate-controlled dark environment dropping in value faster than Lionel Richie records, the garbage pail kids appreciated to where they could have been worth hundreds of dollars on eBay. Silly me. Joltin Joe was a much smarter choice to save rather than Wally Joyner.

I cannot emphasize enough how much collecting this set gets a 0 star rating.

Tweezerman Tweezers Review

2012-04-23T05:00:00.000-06:00

It's the little things that drive me mad these days. The pair of scissors in the drawer that won't cut paper, yet no one can bring themselves to throw them in the trash. The 40 ballpoint pens that you find throughout the house, none of which work, yet people put them back in the drawer. The rounded tip screwdriver that seemed like a bargain when you picked it out of the 99 cent bin, but in the long run, cost you hours of frustration and likewise stripped dozens of screws. The pair of tweezers that can neither pull a sliver, or fish out an ingrown hair. Over and over you dig, pull, and twist trying to yank a tiny splinter from your foot but ultimately resort to your wife's good kitchen knife to finish the job. You know, the one you also used in place of that cheap screwdriver previously mentioned.

Well, I've had enough. After ten years as an engineer, I am financially secure and determined enough to state that exactly one of these peeves has got to change. (You have got to start somewhere.) I decided to invest both the time and money to find a fine quality product that actually works, and continues to work when I need it. After weighing the options, I decided that the tweezers win. Slivers and bee stings, eyebrows and nose hairs, these painful predicaments will have no more power in my household. I set out to find the perfect pair, and indeed I did.

Not surprisingly, there are tons of worthless tweezers to be found, most of which are already in my wife's vanity drawer. I tried out several that were locally bought and found that none of these had the precision tip or alignment that I was after. After several failures, I was thinking medical surplus looking for something surgical grade when I ran a search through Amazon.com and found Tweezerman Stainless Steel Ingrown Hair Splintertweeze. Ten bucks, and two days later with Amazon Prime and I beheld a thing of beauty. These tweezers are beautiful. They are super sharp, super precise, and have a comfortable rubberized grip. They come in a re-closeable plastic package that I still keep them in today, and also have a protective plastic sleeve for the tips.

Not much left to say, done deal, problem solved. They even have a lifetime warranty for sharpening. Like anyone would send back a $10 item to have sharpened, but I appreciate the thought. Please note that I keep these away from the family. These are mine, and I hold them dear. I have a special place for them that nobody knows about and the only time my family saw them was when my six year old stepped on a bee. I ran inside and came back to the rescue with a perfectly-precise, stinger removal tool. With great power, comes great responsibility.

As a side note, these are needlepoint so you won't need to dig in your hand with a pin to get out a sliver, but you also won't be able to pluck Scorsese type brows with this either. The fine points are great for precision hair removal, not for trimmin' turf. Needless to say, I am tickled with an item that works just as advertised, which is extremely rare these days. Well done, Tweezerman. In another 10 years...Maybe I'll start looking for a decent ball point pen.

TowerHobbies.com Website Quick Hits Review

2012-04-20T05:00:00.000-06:00

This site hasn't been updated in 5 years. It has great products for power nerds like myself, but is horrible to navigate. Maybe I should try to browse with Netscape Navigator 3.0 and see how it works. 3 stars.

A site truly meant for the adult children who love their remote control cars. I was always envious because I never got one for Christmas. I've heard that remote control hobbies are the new thing for pre-mid-life crises'. One can spend over two grand on one of these things. No thanks. I'll stick with my model planes. 1 star.

I hate this site. Why? Because somehow I became wrapped up in the RC hobby and dropped high percentages of my paycheck towards these money pits. Every time you go out driving an RC car, it ends up with broken parts...and you need to make a visit to Tower Hobbies. I've spent hundreds of dollars there feeding my RC car/plane/heli/truck/ habit. Plus, they have EVERYTHING! I suggest never getting into RC cars unless you are personally pictured in no less than 3 posts on peopleofwalmart.com 4 stars just because of my addiction.

I wondered what happened to Tower Records. 3 stars.

Quick Hits Average Rating of 2.75 Stars!!

Smashburger Fresh Mex Burger Review

2012-04-16T16:00:00.000-06:00

I have a mental list that comprises the hierarchy of hamburger restaurants. They are grouped as follows in ascending order.

Sludge Huts -- These are those sheds that look like Cappuccino drive-through's that somehow qualified for a food handler permit and now serve burgers and watered down Pepsi. (See Central Park, Shake Shack, Checkers, Good Times, etc)
No-taste Burger factories -- Burger King, Wendy's, McDonald's, etc. There is nothing worth remembering about any of these burgers except the ones that cause stomach pain.
At least you won't get diarrhea -- They've aimed a little higher than the rest, and are worth paying a little more. (See In 'n Out, Carls Jr)
High-Class Burgers -- Like strippers, you get what you pay for. Places like Smashburger, 5 guys, and Tony's burger put out a superior product and also charge a premium price. This type of restaurant has filled a void in my life and created a bulge in my waistline.

Smashburger and 5 guys are continually fighting for my allegiance. 5 Guys has the best customizable burger. It is always well put together, and the meat is high quality. Their fries are much better as well.
Like my wife, Smashburger has delicious buns. Their meat is sometimes greasy, and the toppings fairly bland. The fries are very forgettable.
Based on recent experiences, I have strayed from Smashburger. When I spend 11 bucks on lunch, I expect a fantastic experience and maybe a happy ending or a mint. Smashburger was letting me down on all fronts. I had cut my visits drastically.

As I am a member of the Smash club, they send me their promotional offerings via e-mail roughly 7x a day. I generally ignore them, but a recent new burger caught my eye. The Fresh Mex Burger.
This scrumptious-looking sandwich has 100 percent Certified Angus Beef --topped with fresh avocado, chopped cilantro, onions, pepper jack cheese, lettuce, tomato, sour cream and spicy chipotle mayo on a Mexican roll, served with a wedge of lime. Ole!!

I headed down to Smash and settled in with a Fresh Mex burger and high expectations. I can absolutely say that Smashburger did not disappoint. This is there best menu item BY FAR!! The abundance of vegetables is amazing and I wasn't even creeped out by the mention of mayo on the burger. Usually mayo is only disbursed in amounts measured by the 1/2 cup. Smashburger put just the right amount on the burger. The avacado slices are thick and fresh and the cilantro gives just a little pep. (Side note--you can also order this with grilled or fried chicken. Yeah right...go to SmashBURGER and order chicken. And on the way home you can stop at IHOP and get a steak)

I can honestly say that I am back on team Smashburger. Unfortunately, this burger is only being offered until April 29th, so you better head down there quickly. It's worth the drive...and the 11 bucks. (with drink/side)
If you check out Smashburger’s Facebook Page you can sign up to receive a coupon for a FREE entree with the purchase of the new Fresh Mex Burger or Chicken Sandwich.
5 mucho gusto stars for this delicious burger experience.

Ghost Rider - The Spirit of Vengeance Review

2012-04-13T05:00:00.004-06:00

Odious /ˈoʊdiəs/ adjective – deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable. highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting. Remember this definition for later in the review.

I just watched the best Nicholas Cage movie ever. It was called The Rock. A greater “fish out of water” story has never been told. It’s also one of the best “Rise to the occasion” stories ever
told. Cage was at his best in this film. I like this Cage. I also liked him in the National Treasure movies. Cage plays a charming good guy very well and I wish he would take more roles like this but no. He prefers to play the ape-!$%# crazy guy with the lunatic smile. You know the one.

Harrison Ford has his pursed lips, finger raised towards you, intense face look. Tom Cruise has his frantic sprint look. Nick Cage has his “I’ve just lost my frick’n mind” look. I don’t like it. He’s better than this but whatever. That brings me to his latest film Ghost Rider – The Spirit of Vengeance. I liked the first one a bit. It was goofy, the special effects were ok, but it simply was what it was. It’s on the shelf next to Daredevil and Superman Returns. By which I mean just so-so comic book movies.

I had high expectations that this one would be better due to the better computer animation, but they ended up using that just to make the flaming skull look like Cage’s “I’ve just lost my frick’n mind” face. There were hundreds of other problems with this film but
the most offensive have to be when they messed with the original. For no apparent reason they changed the scene where he signs his soul over to the devil. I can’t understand why, but they did. In the original, his flaming bike destroyed every road he drove on, but not in this one. The original he couldn’t be “The Rider” during the day. No such qualms in this one. And where the heck is Eva Mendes? I’m sorry, I don’t care that her mustache is bigger than mine, I’m not looking at her face anyway. Her replacement in this movie, was no replacement at all. At least when they dropped Megan Fox from Transformers 3, they got someone even hotter. And where was the wise old sage character. Yes they retired Sam Elliot at the end of Ghost Rider 1, but they killed Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars, yet he was still in the next two. In a movie about ghosts, demons, spirits, etc. and even named Ghost Rider, couldn’t Sam Elliot be in this one also?

Because of the reason’s stated above, this movie simply lacked depth. It was cheesy, boring and probably the most obnoxious movie I’ve ever sat through. This is only comparing it to the original movie. This movie actually made the first Ghost Rider look like an Academy Award Candidate (or at least a Golden Globe Candidate).

To sum up how I feel about this movie let me just say this: Ghost Rider – The Spirit of Vengeance is odious in every sense of that word and gets zero stars from me. I hope there isn’t another sequel. And Nick, please, please do another National Treasure movie. Stop doing these “B” movies. You’re better than that. You don’t see Tom Hanks doing Bachelor Party 2 do you? Alright then. Grow up and knock it off.

Taco Time 5 Alarm Burrito Review

2012-04-11T05:00:00.000-06:00

When I see food advertised as hot, my curiosity is instantly piqued. I like hot food--no--I LOVE hot food. Every dish prepared at my home will have some kind of sauce/seasoning to increase the "food heat index." Franks hot sauce, Tapatio, crushed red pepper, and battery acid all bring out the zing in otherwise normal food.
I like a little "under-eye sweat" going on when I'm eating food. If it doesn't feel like a hot flash in the heart of menopause, then you shouldn't claim your food/sauce as "hot."

Taco Time has had a hot offering on the menu for the last couple months. They call it the 5 alarm burrito. It is basically the same thing as the Taco Bell meat and potato burrito, except that food from Taco Time is actually good.

On a side note, I can't stress the fact strongly enough, how much better Taco Time is than Taco Bell.
-- Taco Time has superior meat. (because it's actually real meat)
-- Taco Time calls tater-tots "Mexi-fries" and it doesn't come off as racist at all.
-- Taco Time has a salsa bar in most restaurants. (Taco Bell has quirky sauce packets)
-- Taco Time doesn't have tall bar tables. What is it with the tall tables at Taco Bell? They aren't Beef o' Brady's.
-- Taco Time serves Coke.
-- Taco Time holds the patent on the "deep-fried-crisp-burrito." If you've never had one of these things, you need to ignore your heart condition and grab a couple.
-- Taco Time is now at a price parity with Taco Bell. Once upon a time, the Bell was cheaper than any other fast food restaurant. Even if the food was sub-par, at least it didn't cost you more than 4 dollars to eat there. Now it is a cool 7 bucks each time I walk through the door. Del Taco has now taken the cheap/crappy/taco place throne from the Bell.

Getting back to the burrito. It's a fairly decent size. I'd say it was 8 inches long, but my wife told me that it looked more like 5 inches. I swear that it was 8 inches....maybe 9. This was fairly depressing news to me.
It is stuffed with ground beef, re-fried beans, cheese sauce, mexi-fries, and 5-alarm hot sauce. Plus, it's only $1.59.

I ordered one thinking that it would be so hot, I'd need to dip it in ranch sauce to temper the flame. Unfortunately, I was disappointed.
The hot sauce is hot...but not 5-alarm hot. I was expecting to have this burrito burn on the way down, and then on the way out later that evening. The taste is actually pretty good. About what you'd expect from Taco Time, but I was really let down from the lack of monster heat.
To those who can't take any spice in their food, this probably would qualify as 5-alarm. For me, it was more along the lines of 1-alarm...bordering on a silent alarm.

There is good news for those who like this 5-alarm sauce though. Taco Time sells all their hot sauces in bottles at their store.
For those that are ignorant as to the hierarchy of fast food sauces, the Taco Time regular red hot sauce runs a close second behind the grand-daddy of all sauces. (Arby's sauce) I keep Taco Time hot sauce, Arby's sauce, cyanide tablets, and my car titles in a fire-proof safe in my closet.

This probably deserves a 4-star rating, but the fact that the burrito burned less than urinating after visiting the Jersey Shore was disappointing. 3 alarm stars for me.

Folliculitis Treatment Review

2012-04-09T05:00:00.000-06:00

We are all friends here. If you have read some of my reviews, you know that I have revealed personal things that should only be kept among the closest of friends, but I do it for the good of the land. My body grooming habits are now public knowledge. My bout with back acne has been scribed in stone (though now fixed thanks to Acutane). I've even mentioned my less than impressive endowment and my bedroom buffoonery (if that is a real word). Needless to say, my life is pretty much an open book, but even I hesitated to post this review. For the good of my fellow sufferers, here goes....I Meatwad of Review Spew suffer from posterior folliculitis.

Booty blisters, rump rash, ass acne, posterior pustules, call it what you will. My hind end has more pock marks than Seal's face. My backside sports more scabs than a mutt with scabies. It really looks like a cross between over-risen bread dough and a Meth addict. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your perspective, I am also as hairy as an ape, so you do have to wade through a matted thatch to get to the crater-like under skin. I've suffered in silence for years, but I finally got up the nerve to tell my dermatologist about 4 weeks ago. Here is how it went.

Me: "Dr. I think my acne is back."
Dr. : "Lift up your shirt and let me take a look."
Me: "Umm...it is a little lower."
Dr.: Sigh..."Ok, let me take a look."

From there I dropped trou, bent over..which is weird because he didn't actually ask me to do that, and exposed my bumpy secret. I couldn't see over my shoulder, but I am sure it took him a second to bite back the bile as he examined my derriere for a good 3 min. After that he had me "zip-up" and explained that this is a byproduct of heat, pressure, and fabric breath ability. My pear-like shape tipped him off to the fact that I sit on my ever-widening arse all day every day at work. He recommended a more breathable chair, less "silky" under britches, and a once-daily ass shampoo. Yup, shampoo for my ass. The technical name is Prascion cleanser which is a prescription based sodium, sulfur shampoo for your butt. He also prescribed Erythromycin 2% pledgets which are just RX versions of Oxy pads...again, for my heinie. Great, I just added one more bottle to the cornucopia of bath gels in my shower. Just don't mix up products when you rinse and repeat or your head may end up smelling like rotten eggs and dandruff may become the least of your worries (as dry, flaky skin can be a side-effect of the cheek scrub).

Well, 4 weeks later and I am a different man. I massaged my rump for 1-2 min. a day with a sulfur lather and the results are astounding. I'm actually done with the shampoo treatment and am now just using the little pads as "ass maintenance". The hair on my keister now careens over smooth supple buns whose scars and bumps of yesteryear are nothing but a faint memory. I can't believe I suffered so long without talking to someone. I give the combination of these 2 products 5 zit zapping stars and share my embarrassment with you so that those millions (or 5) other silent sufferers know that there is help. Talk to your doc...your badonkadonk will thank you for it.

Dole Sensation Natural Tangerine Juice Quick Hits Review

2012-04-04T08:00:00.000-06:00

Hmmm..tangerine. Never liked the fellow. Too indecisive, if you want to be an orange, be an orange. If you’re a peach, be a peach. This fence sitting fruit has no business being in a juice all by itself. 2 stars.

I'm all for affirmative action in the mini orange world. Let the tangerine have equal footing with the mandarin orange! To be honest, this juice was very good, and tasted less "processed" than most. In addition, it was mainly pulp-free...pulp makes me gag. I'm not into the "meaty" orange juice. 4 stars for this taste sensation.

A classic case of just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. 0 Stars for perverting nature.

It doesn't matter what kind of dole juice I buy, it all tastes like a mix of banana and orange juice. The selling point of this juice is that's it's very healthy. Well if being loaded with sugar is healthy then I am a trainer on the biggest loser. Anyways, it's a decent drink but dole is still too acidic for my taste. 2 stars.

Quick Hits average rating of 2-stars!

Hershey's Air Delight Chocolate Bar Quick Hits Review

2012-03-30T05:00:00.000-06:00

Who doesn't want their candy bars to look like a sponge? I would normally never actually purchase a Hershey's bar of any sort, but curiosity got the best of me. Somehow this chocolate bar tastes less plastic and is somehow more creamy than a regular Hershey's bar. 4 stars.

It’s impressive how Hershey has made their chocolate even less chocolate. They’ve reached the end of what wax additives can do, now they’re pumping them full of air. 0 stars.

People only buy Hershey's chocolate bars for one reason--Smore's. And these do not pass the "Smore's test." They don't have an even "melt" on the graham crackers. Plus it makes me think that I'm getting less for my money with all the air holes. I won't just stick any old thing in my mouth. (unless the right amount of money is involved) 0 stars.

It’s like carbonated chocolate. Delicious. 4 stars.

Quick Hits average of 2 stars!!

Doritos DINAMITA Nacho Picoso Rolled Flavored Tortilla Chips Review

2012-03-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

Doritos are the devil. I lay the blame for my blobular mid-section directly at their feet. Mainly for creating the most synergistic concoction ever when mixing Mtn Dew and Cool Ranch Doritos. Tests have shown that men will refuse sex when presented with these 2 food items and a DVD of "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome." Tests have also shown that women will refuse to have sex with the men who just ate a bag of Doritos and a Mtn Dew. I have also conducted further tests also show that a wife will refuse to have sex with their husband for no reason at all.

I generally don't purchase Doritos because they are too delicious. I'll sit down and open a new bag, and 15 minutes later the bag is half empty, and I'll have a cheesy goo crusted ring around the edges of my mouth and feel a little sleepy. A normal man shouldn't eat 8 servings of Doritos in one sitting. (I'm not a normal man)

Now Doritos has created the "taquito chip." They roll their chips up into little cylinders of goodness and flavor. This is beneficial for all for a few reasons:
You can now fit 40% more Doritos in your mouth at a time.
The rolls can be used to suck up sour cream or guacamole like a straw.
After eating an entire bag, you can wallow in self-pity by playing a sad tune with these chips. You can use them like a little chip trombone.
You can stuff the entire chip tube full of nacho cheese filling and serve them as an appetizer while you watch "The Bachelor" with your friends.

Now take these wonderful rolls, and imbue them with a perfect combination of the original nacho cheese flavoring and hot peppers. Call it Nacho Picoso and watch me gain 6 pounds instantly.
By the way, I was curious what the translation of picoso was. I've discovered it's either "spicy, hot", or "pitted with the small pox." I hope you've all been vaccinated before eating these...just in case.

The spicy cheese flavoring mixed with the hot pepper taste is intoxicating. Coupled with a highly carbonated beverage of your choice and when viewing the Blu-Ray limited edition of Waterworld, you would have the perfect evening.
I highly recommend these chips. I bet you can't eat just one. (bag that is)
5 nacho cheesy stars. Dinamita!

Monster Jam Review

2012-03-26T05:00:00.000-06:00

Grab your John Deer hat, your tightest fitting “wife beater”, and stuff a tin of Skoal Bandit in your back pocket because this SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY you are in for some Monster Truck Madness. Watch 1500 horses and ten-thousand pounds of thunderous monster truck crush mountains of cars and fly over 30 feet in the air…. I know what you are thinking. If you have ever purchased stock, actually have medical insurance for your family, or have a home that is always parked in the same place, you probably don’t have any business at a monster truck rally and/or tractor pull. Cliché’s be damned, my little guy loves monster trucks so I bought front row tickets and pit passes to Monster Jam and off we went.

If you have read many of my reviews, you know that I am recovering white trash. I have dirt ball roots that run deep, but I fight it at every corner. This ticket purchase probably negated any progress that I have made since my mullet hit the barbershop floor, but if it makes my son smile, it is worth it. The things we do for our kids.

As for the event, a word to the wise, arriving early to take advantage of the pit passes is a must. I live in a NASCAR friendly town, so this place was packed from get-go. We walked down to the center arena and found all of the trucks parked with the drivers out front taking pictures and giving autographs. This was definitely the most memorable part of the day. My son was able to stand right in front of the trucks, talk to the drivers, and have them autograph his official $10 program and then get pictures. The lines were pretty long and we never did get through to meet the driver of “Gravedigger”, but my son had a blast. The driver of Metal Mulisha was particularly chatty with my son, so that truck became his new favorite for that day, and every day since, as a matter of fact.

After we got kicked out of the pit, we headed back to the souvenir stand to kill some time and drop some cash before the show. I was amazed at the lines here too. People that obviously couldn’t afford a dental plan or shoes with laces were spending hundreds of dollars on Monster Mutt hats and rally flags. I think I dropped another $30 on swag before we headed back to our seats. ( but I have dental insurance, which means I am not a hypocrite.) We did bring ear plugs, but at first, the noise was so ridiculous that I thought my son was going to freak and we would have to leave without seeing the show. He acclimated and accepted the doubtless hearing loss within about 10 min. and was cheering for his favorite trucks from then on.

I have to say, the trucks really were amazing. We were on the first row right in front of a stack of cars and I was a little worried that we would actually be hit by debris. We were showered with dirt a few times but, indeed, escaped the “flying wheel” and “metal shard death” that kept cropping up in my head after seeing 3 Final Destination movies. Long story short, we both loved the show and had a great time. I barely noticed the freakish crowd. The highlight of the show was the “Freestyle” round where the drivers just went nuts on the course for a few minutes each. Massive air was achieved and after 3 roll-overs, it was apparent that they weren’t babying their million-dollar machines at all. Mad air and crunched cars abound.

Since the show, my son has talked about monster trucks almost every day. He asks to play monster truck video games and asks me to look up trucks on the internet. He pours over the pages of his program and talks about the autographs and photos he has with the drivers. I just may be up for Father of the Year. Sometimes you have got to look past the stereotypical mayonnaise sandwich eating, Carhartt wearing, tube-topped, mountain trash that seem to flock to these types of events and just go and enjoy yourselves. We sure did. This time with my son definitely gets 5 stars.

Dentalogica Fierce White 3-day Teeth Whitening System Review

2012-03-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

I don't smoke or drink coffee. I brush, floss, and even use a water pik. And what does that get me? Teeth that could land me a lead role in any Monty Python skit or Mr. Bean episode.
I'm really not exaggerating this point here. It seems that no matter how much I brush, my teeth just look more and more weathered, and continue to progress to a deeper shade of yellow.

There are many teeth whitening systems on the market. I've tried a few different Crest systems. I've had successful results, but they make my teeth hurt so damn bad. 5 minutes of those strips, and I'm moaning in pain like a little girl for the rest of the day.
I've been using "whitening" toothpaste for years now to no avail. The only thing they lighten is my wallet.
I'd like to have a dentist professionally laser the hell out of my choppers, but the price tag is just too steep.

Luckily, I ran across a different type of system for a really good deal. I had to give it a try. It was the fierce white 3-day system by Dentalogica.

Full disclosure here--I literally paid 10 bucks for this kit. It's like $49 on Amazon or on the home shopping channels. Based on this price, my review might be completely different than someone who paid 500% more than I did.

The kit comes with 3 "pens." Inside these pens are little brushes that you just "paint" onto your teeth. If you can't stay inside the lines when you color, this kit may not be for you.
Each pen has an epoxy goo end, and the whitening goo end. You brush on the epoxy first, and then coat with whitener after this. You are supposed to do this 2x at night, and 1x in the morning.
It's a very easy process.

I've compiled the list of positives and negatives to this program directly below.

Positives:

No tooth sensitivity -- Your teeth don't feel like raw pieces of hammered meat after whitening. No tooth sensitivity whatsoever. Nada. None. Zilch. Conversely, I always felt that the excruciating pain mentally told me that some chemical reaction was taking place on my teeth.

It's fast -- The whole process takes under 10 minutes, plus you get to channel your inner Bob Ross (RIP).

It was cheap -- OK...so I paid significantly less than most. $10 is a great price.

Negatives:

Drool Monster -- You're supposed to let the stuff dry on your teeth, which instantly sets off the "saliva alarms" in my mouth. It's like I turn into a Pit-bull at a Wienerschnitzel. Drool and saliva are everywhere. It's literally like the Exorcist.

Lip Exercises -- To hold your lips off your teeth until the whitener dries is a herculean proposition. For 10 straight minutes, I'm channeling my inner Politician, and try to maintain a full-mouth smile.

Turpentine -- The stuff doesn't taste very good. There is a subtle hint of nail polish mixed with oregano. It would probably be good on a bagel.

Quantity -- There is not enough "Epoxy" goo, and way too much "whitener" goo. When you run out of the epoxy, I suggest using it on a jalapeno bagel. (I actually don't suggest this. There is a warning on the box which says not to ingest the product. Funny....as you actually put the entire contents in your mouth and swallow it when it wears off your teeth. Killing you slowly I suppose)

Bottom line -- Does this stuff work? Well.....I wouldn't say that it made my teeth a lot whiter. Maybe just a little less yellow.
Would I buy it again? For $10, I say yes. For $49...No way.

I give this a less-than-gleaming 2-star rating.

Smashfries (Garlic and Herbs) Quick Hits Review

2012-03-20T17:00:00.000-06:00

Herbs and Garlic? What do I order with it, bangers and mash? I don't have a cockney accent, I brush my teeth regularly, and I don't like my lunch wrapped in newspaper. Give me ketchup or give me death. 1 star.

Can either be 5 stars or 0 stars depending on the temperature. When eaten hot and dipped in bbq sauce there is truly nothing better, but if they are not devoured within 2 minutes of being made they taste like chalk and thyme. At a price of nearly 3 dollars for the fries they'll take a star hit there too. 3 stars.

Great idea...Let's pour oil all over our fries after we just got done cooking them in oil. Actually...It's a great idea, and they're delicious. Plus, you can dip your fries in the extra 1/2 inch of oil that pools up in the paper at the bottom of the fry pile. It's a win-win. 4 stars.

Who knew that Rosemary, Garlic, and vats of oil would be so good with these fries? My only complaint is that you can't "super-size" the order. 4 stars.

Quick Hits Average Star rating of 3 Stars!!