revjim.net: The Life and Times of Jim Reverend

MacOSX and “natural” mouse scrolling

Wed, 09 May 2012 14:18:53 +0000

When I first starting using Mac OSX, as with most people, I’ve found, the “natural” mouse movement was a bit jarring. I was tempted to turn it off but I thought to myself, “self, the Mac OSX developers went out of their way to put this here. They disrupted lots of people by making it the default. There must be a reason for it.” So I decided to leave it on.

After a few weeks of use, I can see why: it just makes more sense. Scrolling in a way that is more “reality like” makes the whole process that much more intuitive. If you have a touchscreen smartphone or tablet (which all work this way since it would be silly to have any other action with a touchscreen device) you’ll appreciate it even more.

However, all of that being said, I’m turning it off. Why? I work in a environment where I am using multiple operating systems each day. I can’t afford to buy only Mac OSX. And even if I could, there are things that a Mac just can’t do, thanks to hardware limitations, mostly. On top of that, I often use other people’s computers and I certainly can’t make them choose Mac OSX just because I did. Jumping from one method of scrolling to another and back again in rapid succession becomes tedious. It’s hard enough dealing with “Control” vs “Command” for common keyboard short cuts like Copy and Paste. But the “natural” scrolling just takes too much time to get used to over and over again.

Some day, I imagine, all Operating Systems will feature a “natural” scrolling option. And then jumping to that method might make more sense. But, until then, I’ll have to stick with the usual. Sometimes, following the herd is where it’s at.

However, if you’re in a Mac only environment and you aren’t using “natural” scrolling, I urge you to try it. Give it a week and see what you think when it’s over.

Mac OSX Lion vs Windows 7 vs Ubuntu 11.10

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:04:21 +0000

First, a little bit of history: Long, long ago, when talks of climate change were in their infancy, 1GB of RAM was something geeks drooled over, and anything even related to blue tooth would have had you running to your doctor, I was a Linux user. Before that, before Windows 3.1 even, I used whatever interface I could get my hands on. But, when there finally became a choice to make, Linux was my choice.

About 7 years ago, due to lack of decent photo editing software, I switched to Windows: Windows 95, to be exact. Then Windows XP, then Windows Vista, and now, finally, Windows 7. It’s been a fun ride. I’ve complained all the way, of course, but jealousy over another operating system due to lack of software in my own simply never came up.

Fast forward to today. Most of my friends use a Mac. And when it comes to developers, graphic designers, writers, comic artists, and other creative types, basically ALL of my friends use a Mac. So I decided to try it. Mac OSX Lion, to be exact. I’m actually surprised it’s taken me this long to make “the switch”. What I’m not surprised about is the number of complaints I have.

I have so many complaints, in fact, that it made me curious, once again, about the state of Linux (in this case, specifically, Ubuntu 11.04) on the Desktop. So, what follows is a comparison of the three from the eyes of a geek, nerd, father, web application developer, photographer, hippie. Your opinion will, no doubt, vary, and that’s good. That’s how it should be.

There are several aspects to a specific platform. One of those is the Operating System itself: how core features like windowing, launching applications, and customization work. Secondly, there is the hardware itself, the features it provides, and the way those features are implemented. And finally, there is the software that allows the use and expansion of a platform.

Let me start with a quick synopsis of each platform. For Mac OSX Lion, the hardware is included. In this case, it’s a 2012 Model, Mac Book Pro w/ 15″ screen, 4 GB RAM, Intel 2.2 Ghz i5 processor. In the case of Windows 7 and Ubuntu 11.10, it’s an AMD X6 2.8Ghz 6 core processor, and 12 GB of RAM displayed in a 23″ LCD monitor. Totally different specs, but, due to the nature of the Mac platform, I was unable to test the Mac setup on anything other than Mac hardware. It should also be known that, as far as price goes, the Ubuntu/Windows machine was $950 (less for Ubuntu since the included copy of Windows 7 wouldn’t be required). The Mac Book Pro was $1800. So, almost double the price.

The first thing I noticed about Mac OSX is that, contrary to the claims of most of my friends, things do not “just work”. Despite at least 10 different Operating Systems and at least 5 different Windowing systems, Mac OSX left me confused. And despite being a fully recognized operating system, there are software gaps. The depth and breadth of what you see on the Windows platform is simply not there. And in many cases when it is there, it’s because someone has made a Linux application work on Mac OSX, which means that that application doesn’t fit the feel of Mac OSX and leaves the platform feeling disconnected and even more confusing. Finally, even some of the Apple provided applications don’t work in ways you would expect, even after you’ve gotten a feel for the OS.

Ubuntu still has the same problems it did 7 years ago. It looks nicer than it did, has more features than it used to, and is overall a fantastic system. But, just like before, it lacks the polish and cohesive nature of a more mature, more developed operating system. On top of that, while there are certainly more applications available, there still isn’t the depth and breadth that the Windows community enjoys. Installation is still problematic, and lesser used features simply don’t work.

Windows is windows. Some advancements have been made in the UI, many of which are quite nice and very welcome. However, the underlying architecture remains mostly the same. This means that installation and basic setup is painless. However, as soon as any additional applications are involved, the end result is an unknown depending on how that software uses the platform. Most applications fit the UI feel of Windows, but many do not. The UI does not feel as polished as Mac OSX and, in some cases, even Ubuntu wins out in this department. Extending the operating system beyond the original designs is almost impossible and most software that tries to do so fails miserably.

So now, on to specifics.

Mac OSX Lion

Mac OSX was breathtaking upon start up. The UI, though different than what I’m used to, feels polished and welcoming. Fonts are consistent. Button placement is obvious. Setup is incredibly simple. I’d feel comfortable handing a Mac to my Mom and expecting that, with a few pieces of information jotted down on a scrap of paper, she’d be able to set it up. Mac really wins in this department. Windows is complicated. There are basic things that need to be done on a new computer that Windows does not make obvious. Things like wireless setup, locating software to perform tasks, and creating a secure user account. Even Ubuntu (aside from actual installation which I did not have to do with Mac OS X) does a better job of this than Windows does. In fact, in many aspects, Ubuntu gets very close to the Mac OSX feel during initial use.

Mac OSX, however, started to get confusing the first time I tried to install software. Installing via the App Store is easy and Apple approved. You click, it installs, and then it pops up a window showing you where your application is and making it easy to get to. So as long as what you want is in the App Store, the Mac is a breeze. Unfortunately, as I said before, Mac suffers from a lack of depth and breadth in the application arena. And, if you are limited to only the App Store, it suffers even more so. So, inevitably, installing software outside of the App Store is bound to happen. And this is also where things get complicated. Some packages come as “.dmg” which the Mac opens and looks at as a separate hard drive. Many of these “.dmg”s offer a window that shows the icon for the new app, and an icon for your applications directory. It isn’t always obvious that the install happens when you drag one icon on to the other. However, I eventually figured that out and felt like I had a handle on things. Then I installed another piece of software. This one worked differently. This one decided to use a “Finder” window to display the contents of the “.dmg”. When one application creates a new Finder window, the Mac doesn’t make this obvious. So you’re left wondering if it even worked and clicking on things and trying to figure what to do next until you finally click on the “Finder” icon to go look for it and realize that it’s made a new window that needs your attention. The same thing happens if the application you’re downloading uses a “.zip” file for distribution. Once you get past this hurdle and remember to check Finder if things don’t work the way you expect, application installation gets pretty simple.

A friend gave me a developer release of Mac OSX Mountain Lion. So I thought I’d try it. I had no idea that I needed a developer license in order to do this “legally”. So I tried it. It was broken. And that’s okay. It’s beta. That’s what betas are for. So I decided I wanted to go back. And that’s when I met the Mac User Community. These people are, largely, a bunch of jerks. Their response to other people asking similar questions to mine — “How do I get back to Lion” — was simply “you shouldn’t have installed it in the first place!” or “you made a backup didn’t you?” or “I can’t tell you unless you’re an Apple developer, and if you were an Apple developer you’d already know this.” This elitist and unwelcoming response doesn’t give you the same warm, fuzzy feeling that you get from most of the Windows and Ubuntu communities where people are looking to help one another.

When attempting to have multiple users logged in at once, I encountered another strange error. Portions of windows from one logged in account intermittently appeared in blotches on the screen of the other logged in account. This would be terrible if the account in the background had received a sensitive email or had other sensitive materials on the screen. Eventually, after this event, the system got so confused that I had to hold down the power button and just reboot.

The Mac hardware is stellar. The trackpad is big and easy to use. And the integration of that hardware with the software is outstanding. Scrolling, pointing, clicking all make perfect sense. Two finger scrolling on Windows is cumbersome, and only slightly less so on Ubuntu. But on the Mac, it’s just easy. The keyboard feels nice, the card reader does things that make sense, the power adapter is the easiest I’ve ever seen. It’s obvious why Apple chooses to pair Hardware and Software together as a cohesive platform, because the attention to detail in this area is simply fantastic.

I have only two complaints about hardware when it comes to Mac. The first, is that it simply costs too much. The price tag is off putting to most people who see systems with better specs sitting next to it for half the price. The second complaint is that Mac doesn’t offer anything for the truly POWER user. So if I need an application that will run fast, with lots of Ram and lots of processor power, Mac is simply not an option for that software because they don’t have the hardware to go with it. If I could get my hands on a 48 core processor with 256 GB of RAM, as long as it was made in a supported way, I could run Ubuntu or Windows on it. And since the hardware is more expensive on the Mac side of things, when it comes to sheer processing power, you’re always going to get more with Windows and even more with Ubuntu due to the seriously decreased overhead of the platform.

While I understand Mac’s desire to pair hardware and software, they are limiting themselves and their user base. If expanding their base of possible users is what they want, they need to come up with a hardware approval program that dictates the bare minimums. And they need to allow the Operating System to be installed on machines that meet or beat that criteria. I don’t even care what the criteria is, as long as their own hardware can pass the tests. But, if I can piece together hardware that meets or exceeds all the technical requirements (even if it includes things like an ambient light sensor, or a backlit keyboard) then the OS needs to be buyable and installable. This will allow the Mac platform to be used in cases where it would be a very good fit today if only Apple would allow it.

Ubuntu 11.10

The Ubuntu installation is terrible. I installed it on two different machines, actually. The first failed at the end of the install telling me it couldn’t install the MBR. Without any kind of explanation or system knowledge, there’s no way a “regular guy” would know what to do at that point. I’m not a regular guy. So I answer the question and, even then, I got it not-quite-right and had to fix something manually after reboot. Most people aren’t going to know how to do this and I don’t believe they should be expected to. On my second install, I tried to install Ubuntu alongside Windows. The install, again, failed, by selecting a portable USB drive as the installation point and then trying to put the MBR on that disk, which would have never been seen at boot up. Thankfully, I know what I’m doing and fixed the issue. My mom could not have installed Ubuntu.

Once installed, however, Ubuntu was easy. The UI is beautiful and friendly. It’s easy to find things. Easier, even, than Mac OSX. Customization is obvious and simple. I was quite pleased at how quickly I could get a basic system up and I was very comfortable handing this foreign interface to my girlfriend who had no trouble visiting websites and performing other basic tasks.

Once the surface was scratched, though, Ubuntu’s not-quite-stable nature showed it’s head. I was trying to connect to a shared drive on my network. A drive that Mac OSX and Windows 7 had no trouble connecting to (not to mention my XBOX 360, Android Phone, and Google TV). But Ubuntu simply couldn’t connect to it. It gave error messages that didn’t make sense. I understand more than most, and I was able to dig deeper and make it happen, but I would say that most people without extensive platform knowledge wouldn’t have been able to make it happen.

At another point, when I was performing an upgrade that the system popped up to recommend, the progress bar had stalled. Despite my clicks and attempts, it wasn’t moving. So I closed the window. This left the machine in a state where te keyboard did not work upon reboot and the system was absolutely unusable. Again, my prior knowledge came in handy as I booted into recovery mode, manually fixed the problem, and then rebooted. This is not something my Mom could have handled.

Ubuntu also offered me a choice in regard to display drivers. While the geek in me appreciates the choice, most users just want whatever works best (which was not the default). If this is an option Ubuntu wants to continue offering, then they need to make it more hidden and less obvious. In this way, a serious tinkerer will find it and make their choice, but the average user doesn’t need nor want to be bothered with this sort of thing.

Windows 7

Windows is just windows. The platform is powerless. Even the Mac (with severely less capability in the hardware department) felt faster at most tasks. And Ubuntu absolutely blew it out of the water. The system is bloated. The UI is complicated. And factory installed additions to the OS make it even less cohesive and more complicated. Once an installation has been cleaned up, it’s easy enough to use. But that is, in part, because people are just used to the way it works. Handing Windows to my Mom would result in some success, but also a lot of questions. She would get a lot further on her own with Mac OSX. And, assuming she didn’t bump into any of the absolutely broken thing in Ubuntu, she’d even get a lot further there. If Windows wants to continue to compete in this arena they are going to need a backend overhaul and some serious redesign in the UI.

Applications in Windows are second to none. If there is something I want my computer to do, no matter how obscure or niche, I stand the greatest chance of being able to do it on Windows. If I have some strange piece of hardware I want to use, it’ll probably work in Windows. That can’t be said for Mac OSX or Ubuntu. These platforms both need more hardware support and more Application Development. There’s really no such thing as TOO MUCH when it comes to these things, but there certainly is such a thing as NOT ENOUGH.

Most advanced tasks are made even more difficult by Window’s UI. With Ubuntu and Mac OSX, if the UI doesn’t support it, there is still a way to dig into the guts of the OS, tap into a huge user community, and make it happen any way. With Windows, if the UI doesn’t support it, in most cases, it can’t be done. And the things the UI supports are not always obvious. Bluetooth is a joke. Dealing with disk storage and intelligent file placement is a joke. The registry continues to be a nightmare and it’s only been augmented in recent years by a series of hidden directories that make it almost impossible to figure out what’s making a certain thing happen. Mac OSX handles this beautifully. Applications, Configuration, and supporting files are all well contained, easily found, and fully tinkerable, if you dare. Ubuntu is less-good, but still, completely manageable, especially considering the large, very helpful user community. In Windows, it feels like most things are hinged on a wink and a prayer.

Conclusion

If you can afford to pay double the price for the hardware, and are willing to pay double the price for some of the accessories you might need, and you don’t have a need for huge computing resources or very specific application requirements, Mac OSX is the way to go. It’s easy to use for those who just want to get something done. And the system underpinnings are well designed and advanced enough that someone with knowledge and skill in the platform can make almost anything happen.

If you can’t (or don’t want to) afford the price tag, have high computing resource needs, Ubuntu might be right for you. However, you’ll also need to be very knowledgable about the system in order to get some fairly common tasks done because things tend to break. You’ll also need to be capable of doing research ahead of time for hardware and software to make sure Ubuntu suits you.

If you have need for high computing power, have specific hardware needs that are un met by the above options, or are unwilling to pay the Mac Tax and don’t have the technical skills to manage Ubuntu, then Windows is your only choice. It’s not a terrible choice, and I’m sure that, with an occasional call to a more technical friend, most people will be able to manage with Windows. Because of these things, I can’t see the population, en masse, to choose anything other than Windows.

If Apple is interested in making Mac OSX something for EVERYONE, then at a bare minium they will need to lower the price. An easy way to do this and appease power users and tinkerers is to implement an “approved hardware” system. This will let commodity hardware manufacturers design inexpensive systems that will run Mac OSX. Apple can maintain their current hardware line and those that have come to love Mac and pay the Mac Tax believe they are getting what they pay for and they will continue to do so. Users who need more power than a Mac Mini can buy an “off brand” system with Mac OSX installed knowing that they aren’t getting the very best in hardware, but that the hardware they do have is approved to work fully with Mac OSX. And the power users that need 8 cores and 24 GB of RAM can find or build a system that suits their needs. With this in place, the depth and breadth of application support Windows users enjoy will begin to be shared on the Mac Platform.

If Ubuntu is interested in making it something for everyone, they will need, more than anything else, to work out the kinks. The UI is beautiful. But if the processes the UI is built upon don’t work reliably in almost every case, then the UI is worthless because an expert is going to be required to sort out the mess any way. Once these bits are cleaned up and made “mom proof”, then Ubuntu needs to do more to pair itself with hardware manufacturers in order to enable more people to buy preinstalled Ubuntu systems so that the installation procedure because unimportant to the average user.

If Windows is interested in keeping the something for everyone that they’ve already made, they need to overhaul the underlying system. Even if that means throwing everything away and starting over (as Apple did with Mac OSX) then that’s the route they need to take. And while recent UI improvements are outstanding and very welcome, there’s a long way to go to making a system that’s as easy to use as Mac OSX or Ubuntu.

For me, in my home, I’m sold on Mac. I love the platform and, as situations arise where new machines are needed, I’ll be buying Mac whenever my wallet can handle the blow. However, I’m not about to throw away the well-made, fully-functional systems I already have. And since Apple refuses to let me use those systems with their OS even though they are more than capable, Ubuntu is the best choice for me because I’m capable of fixing something if it breaks. If I weren’t then Windows would be my only choice.

old age, hearing aids, super powers, and purple legs

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 14:21:00 +0000

I've been saying I need to do more journalling, both publicly and privately. So here's a start at doing more of that as I write about old age and hearing aids.

8-ish years ago I was diagnosed (by exclusion) with Meniere's Disease. If you've never been diagnosed by exclusion before, it goes something like this:

"I have no idea why your leg has turned purple, but I know a few people who have also had unexplained purple legs and, eventually, we also discovered they had cancer of the eyeball. So, I'm going to go with 'cancer of the eyeball'. Final answer. No punch backs."

At the time, the most concerning factor for me was the everything-halting, world-spinning, lie-down-in-a-dark-room-for-hours vertigo, nausea, and vomiting that happened with almost no warning, sometimes more than once a day. Driving sucked. Work sucked. And cooking meth in the wee hours of the night became incredible dangerous.

But, through diet, exercise, and lifestyle change (I'm now a Scientologist) over the last 8 years, I'm happy to say that particular symptom is completely gone. However, other aspects remain: there's a constant ringing in my ears and unforgiving ear pressure that, together, can make me very irritable and make it quite hard to concentrate when it's at its worse. My ENT has told me there is absolutely nothing he can do about these symptoms directly. Which isn't really what you want to hear from a doctor. So I'm convinced otherwise, even out of sheer what-the-hell-else-am-I-going-to-do. So I continue to search for answers.

One final aspect, that I didn't realize affected me as much as it has, is that I have lost up to 60% of the hearing in my left ear. I've learned to adapt and, in most cases, it doesn't seem like a big deal. But lately, I've been noticing situations that are more frustrating than they need to be simply because I can't hear. When my daughter is upstairs trying to ask me something while I'm cooking pounds of bacon on the stove, for instance. Or if I'm cuddled on the couch with my girlfriend enjoying a bacon aromatherapy session and happen to have my good ear nuzzled into her breasts. Or trying to hear almost anything while in a crowd or while the TV is on. Thankfully, my ability to cook meth is unaffected.

I've also realized that it is harder for me to sing songs well that I hadn't learned before I had so much hearing loss. Or, I'm just using that as an excuse for singing terribly. Either way.

My ENT is suggested a hearing aid.

Screw you!

At first I just dismissed the idea. Because, well, screw you! But as I considered it more, I thought I could swallow enough pride to at least go talk to someone about it.

I tried one on. Heard it work. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It sounds realistic. Not tinny or artificial like I thought it would It looks okay, too. Not really all that noticeable unless you're looking for it. Even if you saw it you might just think I work for some clandestine organization or that I'm jacked into the new Internet, the one that's too cool for you to be on. And I'm not so vain most of the time to care, even if it looked awful. And, in the few cases where I am, I can always just leave it at home. Also, my doctor thinks that, over time, as my brain adjusts to it, it might help me more easily ignore the ringing and the fullness which may be aspects of my brain searching for an audio signal from my ear that just isn't there.

I'm finding myself humming "The Future Soon" and I'm getting quite excited about my future cyborg self. Now I just need a space lab in safe.

The doctor had me block my "good" ear while the hearing aid was turned off and I found myself concentrating on the doctor's face, lip reading her, because I couldn't quite understand all the words she was speaking. I think she noticed this because she started finding reasons to turn her face away from me and then I was lost in a sea of mumbles and whispers. Once she turned it on, though, even with my good ear blocked, I heard everything perfectly fine.

So, aside from my pride, my vainity, there is one more price to pay. And this one is paid in real American dollars. $1200 of them, actually. And that feels like a lot. It's not that I don't have the money. It's just that I would much rather take my family to the grand canyon in an RV for a week or two. Or get all new landscaping in the courtyard. Or buy tablets for the girls. $1200 can do a lot of things. And, it seems silly to use it on a "maybe". Yes, it will almost certainly help me hear better. But I'm coping with that part just fine. Maybe I'll be be able to sing better? Maybe I'll have fewer headaches? Maybe my episodes of stress and irritability will decrease? Maybe I'll be able to concentrate better? Maybe I'll grow a third arm and develop a super power like flying or being able to make things really moist?

So I've been thinking about it for almost a week now. And I still haven't decided. Part of me says that if I can increase the quality of my life even a little, $1200 is well worth it. Another part of me wants to take the money and go some place where hearing isn't important. And another part of me wants to drop $15,000 on it, instead, and just go for the satellite up-link.

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Things I hate about Zend Framework

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:18:00 +0000

Things I hate about Zend Framework (a non-comprehensive list):

Zend_Config
Zend_Db
Zend_Session_Namespace
Zend_Application_Bootstrap_Bootstrap
The fact that the Bootstrap has a Bootstrap
Zend_Forms
Action name CamelCase management

little oceans

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 03:30:36 +0000

misplaced priority and
a rushed moment
collide
leaving behind little oceans
as big as my entire heart

we are drawn to happiness.
anything else rarely results in learning
unless we aim to teach avoidance.
especially in a child.

more little oceans form.
entire seas
requiring nail upon bitten nail,
lip upon pulled lip,
and every waking moment
until I see her smiling face again
to dry them up.

Commitments

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 15:05:19 +0000

I'm having buyer's remorse. I'm still on real estate mailing lists, so I see new options every day. And often I wonder if these other options wouldn't be better.

But big purchases like homes and cars should be looked at as a commitment -- more like a marriage. Prior to getting married, you should look around all you want. Explore every option. But when you finally make that commitment then, as the usual vow says, you're in it for better or for worse. Looking around and considering your options at that point is foolish.

The hard part about a house, though, is that it doesn't remind me of how much it loves me, how wonderful life will be together, or how much I love the way the sun beams into the windows perfectly at 7am. It just is. And instead of thinking about all the reasons I bought it in the first place, I think about all the other options and how much better they might be.

I need to see it as a commitment. To be cherished and not to brpe thought around. Having a partner around to be excited with me would probably help.

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and it will be better, still

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:49:50 +0000

I remember in high school, just before school let out for summer,
everyone would be busy trying to find as many friends as they could to
get their yearbook signed. Our friends would write about fond memories
from the year and often ended their words with some thing catchy. "You
+ Me = BFF Forever" or "2 Cute, 2 Be, 4 Gotten". But, right now, I'm
reminded of how often people wrote "Don't Change". The sentiment was
sweet. I like you just the way you are so, over the summer, while
you're away from most of the people you spend every single day with,
don't change anything about yourself.

But the truth is, almost everyone changes. Good people get better and
often bad people just get worse. But we change. If we just stayed the
same, the world would change around us and we'd be left wishing
everyone had just stayed the same.

This weekend was all about change.

I became a landlord. My first tenant moves in this afternoon. I've
been considering this idea for a long, long time. Everyone I know that
has never been a landlord or has only dabbled in it has cautioned me
to not even consider it. Others that are well into it actually find it
to be fairly lucrative. I'm not in it for the money -- I'm just doing
it to keep from going under. But it's both the right thing to do and
very scary at all the same time.

I ended a friendship that was causing me a great deal of heartache. I
was reluctant to take any steps toward doing so. I'd been considering
it for so very long. But, I'm a "benefit of the doubt" kind of guy.
And I've always refused to take action until action was taken against
me. But when I stepped back and looked at how much of me this
relationship was draining, I realized it was time.

I moved. I'm 30 minutes closer to almost everything. I have grocery
stores, and restaurants, and shopping close enough now that I can
actually operate without planning out my entire day in advance,
because I don't have to leave home and plan on not coming back until
the day is over. However, my old house was perfect. All the walls were
clean of anything but my own designs and mistakes. The floor worn down
by only my feet, and the feet of those I care about. When things
broke, I fixed it. So everything was always fixed. Now, I'm walking
into a home in need of some repair. Fences are going. Floors are
dirty. Walls are dingy. Landscaping is overgrown. Blinds are broken.
I've got some work to do and I can't even start until I get unpacked.
But, it's a good change, a good move, and great place to call home.

I took the first steps (again) to end the job I've had for 13+ years.
I'm sad to lose the familiar faces, and places, and processes, but
this is a step I need to take to make my life better and my daughter's
life better.

I had so many conversations that are sparking even more changes, big
and small. And they all have me excited about where I'm at, and
looking straight into the future this path has me set on.

All in all, I'm busy, and tired, and sore, and doing wonderfully.

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Life: Catching Breath http://t…

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 12:10:51 +0000

Life: Catching Breath http://t.co/X5S1RPA

Catching Breath

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 12:05:00 +0000

It seems like all of the little life streams that surround me are suddenly overflowing -- suddenly matured into real, raging rivers. One at a time, each river would be a joy. I'd splash and play and swim and jump in, arms flailing, from the highest rocks. But all of these rivers are converging and it's all I can do to keep my head above water.

A lot of times these life updates (which are more for me than you, though I'm glad you read them and help keep me sane with your words of comfort, offers of help, and reminders of happiness) are filled with positive bits. This one starts off on the down side, but worry not. It gets better. It always gets better.

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." --Orson Welles

I'm juggling 2 jobs right now. Really, more, but two that really matter. Both of them are in turmoil. Not that I'm in a lot of jeopardy, but each job has some issues that they are dealing with that inevitably fall back on me. On top of that I'm trying to move. Which means buying a house. Which means selling or renting a house. Which means cleaning out a house. And that buying a house bit also means scraping together lots of money, keeping up with deadlines, and paying for an endless stream of random things. On top of that, there's the surgery I had. Everything's fine. I've recovered well, but there are still bit that have to be cared for. Medication, doctor's visits, bills, etc.

September is full. My parents are moving into a new house in the next few weeks. And I'm frantically cleaning out my house, throwing away stuff that has sat in boxes since before my ex and I first moved into this house, a life time and at least four versions of me ago. And the baby mama has some stuff of her own going on that causes some shuffling. I had wanted to take Celeste camping in upstate New York and spend some time with my mom. But, with the money crunch and the time crunch, that's not going to happen. I haven't even told her yet, because I know she'll be let down and that's so hard to handle. (Help: Let me know if you like organizing and throwing stuff away, or you like to chase kiddos around while I organize and throw stuff away.)

October is full, too. A meeting in California. Which means travel. And kiddo shuffling. And two conferences to attend. Which means more travel and more kiddo shuffling. If all goes well I'll be closing on the new house. And moving. And there's Halloween. I wanted to go to Myschievia this year, but there's just too much going on to make it happen. (Help: If you have some time to offer, packing, unpacking, lifting things, or even just keeping me company as I do these things, it's greatly appreciated.)

On top of all that, I'm tired, which isn't really something I'm used to experiencing. Staying indoors more often than usual due to the heat and the resulting cabin fever have played a role in this. Not being able to work out for several weeks as I recovered from surgery didn't help that either. And who knows what effects the medications are having. Then last Sunday I landed on my leg wrong while on a water slide with kiddo, making running impossible for a few days. Thankfully, that last part is almost back to normal. Normal enough that I'm going to try an hour's workout today. I'd like to get up to four times a week. It'd be good for me all around. I don't feel like I can be the father or the friend I should be when I feel like this. (Help: I could use a workout buddy. Someone to encourage and get me back on track.)

It's not all bad though. Not even close. My daughter is amazing. The light of my every day. Her smile and her warmth regularly remind me of the point of this whole "life" thing: to live. My jobs cover all of my bills and leave me with enough left over to have a little fun now and then. I have a beautiful, happy home. And, if we end up moving, we'll have an even better suited home closer to people we care about. I have great friends, and a loving family, and am so blessed to have met a few new people recently that I feel strong connection to and look forward to the friendship that will develop from that.

So, it's time for a tattoo. Because, you know, I'm already stressed enough about money and time that I should take out some more money and more time and put it toward something that could easily wait simply because it feels like it shouldn't. I've decided that I want "Dum vivimus, vivamus" (while we live, let us live) written on me. But, the words alone are not enough. So, I'm still scratching for ideas of an image to go with it. A strong symbol of what it means to live: adventure, family, love, and friends. (Help: IDEAS! Please!)

All told, my life is amazing and I'm living it to the fullest. Even if it is crazy right now.

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Also, my BFF totally whips you…

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 04:57:11 +0000

Also, my BFF totally whips your BFF’s ass.

I had a terrific night for all…

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 04:54:26 +0000

I had a terrific night for all the wrong reasons. Epic win!

I have mad scientist eyebrows….

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 00:27:10 +0000

I have mad scientist eyebrows. So hot!

C: will you be number one on m…

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:15:13 +0000

C: will you be number one on my playlist? Me: yeah! C: *fist pump* yessss!

Awww. I look so shameful in my…

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 11:19:06 +0000

Awww. I look so shameful in my office monkey suit.

Anyone want dinner plans? I do…

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 22:05:22 +0000

Anyone want dinner plans? I don’t like cooking for one.

Offer accepted. Thanks @Mikecb…

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 20:05:53 +0000

Offer accepted. Thanks @Mikecbapex!

I just saw a spider a little s…

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 14:21:43 +0000

I just saw a spider a little smaller than my hand. This is why I shouldn’t clean my garage alone. How do I kill it?! #screaminglikeagirl

Another night: another bottle …

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 12:30:38 +0000

Another night: another bottle (err, box). Another morning: another sunrise. Another day! Another beautiful day!

The trouble with a box of wine…

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 03:43:24 +0000

The trouble with a box of wine is that there’s no “stop here” line on it.

.@jezbutts I just had an aweso…

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 02:25:15 +0000

.@jezbutts I just had an awesome idea?!? I could put wine in a spray bottle!!!

Rushing to buy: a pros and cons list

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 23:26:44 +0000

There are so many negative factors to my situation surrounding buying
this house that I'm starting to question whether it's worth it. There
is one factor here that I'm not willing to disclose publicly. Not
because I'd be hurt in any way if "you" knew, but it would put me in a
very bad situation if I showed my hand to a select set of people. So,
keep in mind, there are a few other factors driving these time lines.

So here are all the negatives.

I need to close on this house no later than 9/26. Considering that
closing on a house takes 37 days, at a minimum, that means I need an
accepted offer by Monday.

I have to travel from 9/27 through 9/29. (in addition, my daughter's
mom has to travel during this same time frame which means this will be
the first time my daughter ever stays over night with someone other
than her mom or I)

Because I'm renting the house that I'm in I need to gear that rental
period to start the first week of a month. So, I either have to rent
it on 10/3 giving me one weekend to move. Or I have to rent it the
first week of November and pay two mortgaged for a month.

The sellers are on the verge of a short sale. So, they are unable to
pay any closing costs unless I offer them more than they are asking
and have the costs rolled into the loan in that way. I have enough
cash reserves to cover closing and down payment and such, but not to
do all of that and put the few things into the house that I want to
do. I have to buy a refrigerator and such. I'd like to put down
laminate flooring. There are two windows that need to be repaired. And
that's just the basic stuff.

Based on what the leasing realtor was able to determine, I'm going to
lose $75/mo on the rental of my house. That's not a huge deal (and I
still own the house, so it's not lost forever) but it's less that
ideal.

But these are the reasons I'm pushing forward.

I really want to move. I love my neighborhood. I love my house. But I
don't like that I'm surrounded by renters. And I don't like that I
have to spend 15 minutes driving no matter where I'm going

If I don't buy a house before 9/26, then it won't be until 2013 when
I'm in a situation where I could consider it again (due to the
unmentioned parts of my situation).

This is a fantastic price and a nearly perfect house in a wonderful
neighborhood with great schools in the part of town that I want to
live in. I couldn't ask for a better setup.

So send me your good thoughts. These next few weeks are going to be
rough as I try to make all of this happen.

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a higher swing

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:55:50 +0000

I never stop being amazed by my daughter. Just when I think she’s reached the limit of what a child is even capable of, I find myself surprised and reestablishing my expectations. She is so kind and selfless and understanding. Yet, at the same time, she has this independent streak that both intrigues and frightens me. I can’t help but see myself in her: like a mirror that only reflects the best parts of whomever gazes into it. But I also worry that the less desirable parts of who I am will make their way to her as well. And yet every day, seeing her innocent perfection is inspiration to me to be an even better man.

One day 15 minutes or so into making dinner, she comes into the kitchen asking if she can help. She grabs her stool and pulls it up to the counter. She’s not just moving stuff around and looking for snacks. She’s tasting vegetables, seasoning foods, stirring bowls, and making sure that we have a well rounded meal.

Another day I’m doing laundry and she walks in with her stool ready to help. She doesn’t just want to throw laundry into the washer. She wants to know why I’m making so many piles. She wants to be able to make the piles herself. I explain it and she gets it.

She wants to be a part of life, whatever that life is. She wants to give. She wants to do her part. From the point of view of completing a task, she’s no help at all. I can do everything faster without her tagging along and making a mess out of things. But when it comes to living a life she’s incredible. She reminds me with every second that life isn’t just a list of things that need to be done and an ever ticking clock measuring off how many moments we’ve wasted not doing them. Life is living.

Just as the sun was setting one day we decided to go to the park. Bringing her parasol is an absolutely requirement. Along the way she notices the little things. She comments on the fact that there are dried, crunchy leaves on the sidewalk even though it isn’t autumn. I explained to her that the tree was sick and that it might die. She points out a flock of birds flying together and decides that they are flying in the shape of a fish. The swing is still her favorite. Higher and higher, faster and faster, each apex brings a new smile somehow bigger and brighter than the one before it.

That’s how this feels, this parenting thing. It feels like I’m a kid again on the biggest, fastest, highest swing ever made.

a missing hour

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 12:07:00 +0000

Surgery last Friday was pretty uneventful, which is the best that I could have hoped for. I got there early like they asked. I sat for an hour before they let me into a room. I had to take off all my clothes and put on special socks and a hospital gown. I left my underwear on because it seemed the right thing to do. It wasn't. They had to intubate me in order to keep me under and work in my nose at the same time. I would have to come out of anesthesia with the tube still in my throat. The idea of that scared me a lot. But they assured me I probably wouldn't even remember it. I don't. Everyone was kind, and patient, and awesome.

From the timeline I've been given there is about 1 hour of my life for which I was awake and conscious that I don't remember at all. That's actually really scary to me: the idea that I was awake and doing things that I cannot account for. Whatever it was that I did, the nurse in charge of watching me regain consciousness commented many, many times to the various people she was discussing my status with that I was a very, very nice man. So, I'm guessing I must have hit on her a lot.

Now, four days after the fact, I feel pretty good. It's way too soon to say anything but, I feel like I can breathe better. I also haven't taken ANY pain killers, not even for headaches. Since I usually take 4 advil every 4 hours almost every day, that's a pretty nice improvement. My face is a bit sore. And I'm not supposed to bend over or lift more than 10 lbs, which is impossible when you live alone, especially when you live alone with a child. But I'm taking it as easy as I can.

I have my Post-Op appointment early Thursday morning. If all goes well, I'll switch to drugs and regular checkups and hopefully live a life in which I feel much better and die far, far later.

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the four answers “yes”

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 18:49:55 +0000

Given my current circumstances it isn’t out of the ordinary that I’ve been thinking a lot about women and dating. I realized over the weekend that there are really only two big things that need to be in place for two people to work, and those two things have to go both ways.

So, in all, that’s four criteria. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is. I have to feel like you give as much as I give and I have to like who you are. That’s all there is to it. Two questions — Do I like who you are? Will you give as much as I’ll give? — asked to two people. And we need four answers of “yes”.

I’ve dated women that I really liked. I liked how they looked. I liked what they were into. I liked their outlook on life. I liked their thoughts on children and marriage and cohabitation. But, ultimately, I realized the relationship would never be fair. I would always give more, worry more, work more, clean more, do more, take care of more… and for all of that more, I would be left feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. And that’s just no way to live. I’ve become so accustomed to this being the case, in fact, that, perhaps unfairly, it ends up being one of the first things that get tested.

There are other women I’ve dated that I knew would always be by my side. They would take care of everything that needed caring for, pick up any slack I left, and that any thing they said they would do, they would do their absolute best on. But, I didn’t like who they were. They were preoccupied with material things. Or not very forth coming and honest. Or compelled to lie about something instead of dealing with the discussion that might follow the truth. This doesn’t happen very often, though. I’m good at reading who people are. I’m good at seeing between the lines. I’m good at understanding what I’m getting into before I get into it. So, more often that not, if it’s someone I’ll ultimately not like, then I probably didn’t get involved in the first place.

On the rare case that my side of things both saw a “yes”, I still have to pass the same tests for her. I don’t think too many times any of it had to do with me not being giving enough, since that tends to be my virtue to a fault. But I’m sure it could be felt that way if you pick apart exactly what is being given, which would be a fair thing to do. But, I think in most cases the women I’ve dated ultimately didn’t like who I was. But it’s not quite that simple.

It wasn’t that they didn’t like me. They just didn’t like ALL of me. I could see it in their eyes, flipping the situation over and over, trying to get a better angle. Because they loved the idea of me. I’m generous and kind and mostly stable. But I’m also a bit crazy and exciting. I pick up the slack. I make hard things easy. I don’t hold grudges. I live to live. I’m good with kids. I make good money. I know how to party. I’m not bad to look at. I can hold my own in bed. I know a little bit of everything. I get a lot of things right. And so I’d see them trying to find ways to bury the handful of things they didn’t like about me somewhere inside of all of my good things. But it never worked. We’d get through a week — a good week — and then one of those little things would pop up again and it’d all come crashing down. Eventually, one of us would give up for all the fighting and we’d part ways.

I don’t mean to say I didn’t do my share of burying the bad things I’ve seen in other people too. Every now and then, something unseen at first will creep into view and, because there is so much I already like about someone, it’s just makes sense to throw it back where it came from and hope it never comes back. But it does. It always does. And when it does, that when I find the most growth in myself. One of two things happens.

I either decide that the part of me that doesn’t like that part of her is so fundamental to who I am that there’s no point in continuing. And then that’s that. I get a stronger sense of who I am and life gets a little less complicated.

Or, I realize that I’m being foolish. That this thing I don’t like is meaningless. And I change myself to be more tolerant of it. And in those cases, I become more open, more passionate, more understand, and a better person all around.

I think the thing that generates the most heartache for people as they go through these same four questions over and over in their own lives is their inability to act when they see something they don’t like. They don’t hold themselves strong and say “I don’t like this, and it’s important, so I’m gone.” They don’t change themselves and say “maybe I need to learn to accept this.” Instead they say “it’ll go away”, or worse, “maybe I can change him and make it go away.” But it never does because it’s part of who I am and it’s not being addressed. Inside them there’s this little voice trying very hard not to be heard for fear that they’ll ruin something they think is amazing that isn’t actually working out for them at all.

if every party went this well...

Sun, 31 Jul 2011 11:16:11 +0000

Party!

For a party that got thrown together in, basically, 24 hours, we had an awesome time. I'm not sure I could have done any better with a month's notice, some planning, and an actual invite effort. Surprisingly, despite the tornado of children, my house isn't all that messy on this side of things. My dad and mom came, which meant Celeste was VERY happy and I got some help in the kitchen. Avocado Burger with Pepper Jack cheese: yes please.

At around 7:30pm, we dropped everything and made an impromptu run to a waterpark and didn't get home until after 11pm. More success.

Those are the best days for me: days filled with people and smiles and children and last minute adventures just because. And it's only made a slightly bittersweet because Celeste loves to play with other adults and kids that I don't get to spend as much time with her.

There was one casualty. I have (... had *sniffle*) a waterproof digital camera and video recorder: a nice little device that fit in the pocket of my swimming trunks and took decent photos and even better video. The thing about these devices is that they are only waterproof if the SD Card and battery doors remain locked shut. Some how, in the (not so) lazy river at the waterpark, the SD Card door popped open. The next time I went to take a photo there was water behind the screen. Yeah, not good. I opened the other door and water just poured out. I took out the battery and now I'm just letting it dry. It'd be great if it still worked, but I'm not very hopeful. If it's dead, I'll probably buy something cheap like this. It's not like low-light and quality are issues here.

Despite multiple attempts by several children yesterday to kill our fish, they are still alive and well. After finally speaking to some people who really know what they are talking about, we're well on our way to getting our tank in a good place to accept more fish. And I can tell by their behavior that the ones we have are enjoying life a bit more now. Which is good because Celeste adores those fish.

Cleaning and Decorating and Furnishings, OH MY!

Celeste and I were browsing at World Market the other day. Really, I was just looking at some of the displays they have looking for inspiration and Celeste was browsing the knicknacks. She ended up with a beautiful red paper parasol. I ran into a sale and ended up furnishing my entire sunroom for less than $600. Not really money I'd planned on spending right now, but, it was exactly what I wanted at a price I wasn't going to find again soon.

So today Celeste and I will spend some time building furniture. She's the best helper ever. Well, you know, except that she can't lift anything or really hold anything. But, she loves sorting screws, handing me parts with letters on them, and telling me that I did a good job. So I'll take it. Then, someday soon, we'll find a nice rug for in there and a few shelves to hold plants and I'll probably have a new favorite spot to read a book and have morning tea or coffee.

The houses in my neighborhood are packed pretty tightly together. So much so that looking out a window doesn't really lead to a nice view. I'm thinking about temporarily frosting the windows so I can leave the curtains drawn, bring in a lot of light, and still not have to see what's outside of them. Maybe next year I'll install a lattice work wall and get some ivy climbing it for some separation. I'll have to build it 10' tall or so, though. So I'm not sure how nice that'll look or if the HOA will even allow it. I'll worry about it next year. This year, I'm just going to frost the the glass.

The "oh my God Daniel why do you have so much crap?!" cleaning festival is in full swing. I've been throwing away and giving away stuff like mad. I emptied a book shelf and filled and entire box of books that I'll never read, would never recommend, and can't think of anyone that would want. I took it to Half Price Books and got FOUR WHOLE DOLLARS for it. But, I'd have almost have paid them just to take them. Two or three more loads like that and my books will be cleaned. I'm doing basically that to every cluttered space in my house: crammed closets, over-used storage shelves, filing cabinets, junk drawers.

Photos!

Another random collection of photos I've taken and enjoyed.

Celeste and I ready for a night out!

Flags at the beach house in the setting sun.

My beautiful girl!

Celeste and some friends at the Beach House.

Celeste covered in "colored bubbles" (which you should never ever buy).

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fast forward to right now...

Sat, 30 Jul 2011 10:15:00 +0000

I laid down with Celeste around 10:30pm. We read a story. Then we talked about what the story meant and about our day. Then we both passed out. I have no idea why I'm up at 3am or why I can't get back to sleep. Usually, in this situation, I'd find a snack, turn on the TV, and just relax a bit. But, in response to a waist line that just wont quit (but, thankfully, at least isn't growing), I've opted to write intead. It's your lucky day.

Plums!

I love plums. Especially when they look like this.

And that's one of the best part about summer. Late, lazy evenings, the sun sinking slowly but undetermined, and ooodles of fruit dripping off the chins and elbows of children.

On the Road to Superman...

Last Tuesday I had another CT Scan, met with the Doctor performing the surgery again, and talked with the O.R. staff about what will happen the day of surgery. I feel even better about it. The doctor told me last time that less than 1 in 1000 people suffer blindness or brain fluid leak. I assumed brain fluid leak meant death. That is apparently not the case. This time, he told me that he's done over 2000 of these surgerys, never made anyone blind, and only had a brain fluid leak once, which was immediately fixed and the patient suffered almost no additional issues or recovery time because of it.

The whole thing will start Friday (8/5) morning at 6:30. My parents will be waiting there for me. I also found out that I'll probably have to spend the night in the hospital. Yuck. I'll bring a laptop and a couple of good books. Hopefully I'll sleep a lot, because I don't do well having to sit around and do nothing all day. Whenever they release me, I'll need to be under supervision for 24 hours after that. So I'll be staying at my moms and hopefully finding some slightly active things to do. So, unless there are complications, I should be home and in my own bed Sunday night.

Help: Just in case there are complications of some sort, anyone near me want to volunteer to feed my cats and fish once or twice? They'll be fine for the planned 3 days (assuming I can find a vacation feeder for the fish). But anything more than that and they'll need someone to check on them.

Finally, I also found out that my insurance is only covering 80% of this until my deductible is met. So, it looks like I'm out $3,000. Which punctures a bunch of other plans.

Vacation Planning...

Speaking of more exciting things I could be spending my money on, the original plan for vacation this year was for Celeste and I to head to upstate New York some time in September and camp for a week or so. Thankfully, that's a fairly inexpensive way to go as it is, so it might still happen. The weather should be beautiful. We'll be right on the lake. Celeste loves camping. We'll be 10 minutes from my family. And, as much as we love staying with my Grandmother, this'll give us a little more space to just be us and do the things we like. If you're in the area let me know so we can plan to see you and, even better, maybe you can plan to do a little camping with us.

Observations Made While Dating at 30...

There are two routes people seem to take when it comes to dating. One is to start "dating" at 15 or so. Find "the one" a few times by our 21st birthday. Get good and married by 25. That's what I did. That's what most people I know did. And, when we do it like that, "dating" is easy. There's college, and friends, and friends of friends. Jobs come and go. Life styles and beliefs and quirks are not fully set in stone. Everything is liquid.

If our first go round just didn't work out, or if we somehow managed to not get hitched and find ourselves at 30 and single, then we've taken the second route. It's rough. By the time we turn 30 though, our personalities and our quirks are more set in stone. Throw in any circumstances that might keep us from being on the prowl 24/7 (single parent, financial issues, bad location, lack of employability, medical conditions, etc), and it gets even more complicated.

I've been taking some time to myself to reflect on all of this. Since my marriage ended 2.5 years ago, I've been on lots of dates. And of those, I've only had a "relationship" with about five people. Prior to being married, and including my ex-wife, I generally remained friends with my exes. Really, it was the only thing that made sense to me. But of those five, there's only one that I have a solid friendship with. And only one that I'd really like to have a friendship with if we could figure out how to make that happen. There are two that I'd be happy to have a conversation with if we ended up in the same place and maybe it would go further than that, but probably not. And there is one that I might actually throw up if I saw. Or call CPS. Or the Police. Maybe all three.

People are like little minefields. Our experiences have us wired up a certain way. We trip over any of those wires, even innocently or accidentally, and we're blown to bits. Maybe her ex popped his gum like you do. Maybe his ex wore the same glasses you do.

Then we have all of these things balanced along the edges. Things easily run into and broken. A stack of fine glassware on a rickety table. Maybe she has body issues and she hates the lights on but she also has strong pride and refuses to ask you to turn them off. Maybe he is so used to being taken advantage of that if you don't offer a lot and right away then he just thinks you're not worth his time.

I try. I try so hard to clear my mines (or at least point them out in advance) and to not care about all that glass. I try to keep my mind free and my worries at bay. I try to start every new relationship with a fresh slate. And I'm really good at compartmentalizing in that way. And, even then, I still fail from time to time.

All of that being said, I've got some awesome friends with some fantastic advice. I'm learning to play "the game", which I hate, but I realize is required in order navigate this mess. I'm learning to take care of myself first. And, most importantly, I'm learning how to let things go.

Relocation efforts...

At this point, I'm convinced that location is everything. Anytime I go somewhere, I think about how much shorter the trip would have been if I lived somewhere else. As much as I love my house and my neighborhood, I'm leaning more and more toward just getting out of here, no matter what that takes, even if that means one more temporary step between now and something more permanent.

But I'm going through the trouble of making my place nice anyway. Most of my decorating efforts will transfer over, so I won't lose a lot there. And the cleaning efforts just make packing and moving that much easier. And the improvements I make on my house will make it easier to show and rent. And, until I do leave, it's a lot nicer to live here.

So that's going well. I moved Celeste's room upstairs. She loves it! We're doing some decorating in there today and she's very excited. It's next to my office which helps me spend time with her during work days when I want to. It keeps the downstairs cleaner and gives me less space to have to pick up daily. Plus, it opened up some space downstairs to make a nice little sitting area and buy a few more storage items to help control the stuff we want to keep but never really have a place for.

Meanwhile, I've got my brother-in-law scouring The Colony, South Western Frisco, North Western Plano (yeah right), Northern Carrollton, and South Eastern Lewisville for houses that meet my needs and price range. Assuming I can actually get qualified for a loan and find a renter for my place, this might really happen.

Or, you know, on the other side of the coin, there are at least 15 houses for sale in my neighborhood within a 5 minute walk of me. It's a great neighborhood, we're just suffering some growing pains (due to the mortgage crisis. these are just more ripples of that.). But the good news is that you can get these, basically new houses, for way less than I paid (and even less than what I owe). And the more people that are close to me, the less driving I need to do. Which means that staying here becomes a much better option. So if you're in a house and you're looking for something else, or you're in an apartment and want more space and/or privacy, you should consider buying/renting here.

Party Crazy...

I realize that I simply don't entertain people often enough. So I put an end to that by making a real attempt at throwing two "parties" a month: one with kids, and one without. Last week's adult party went off well. Good people. Fun games. Waaaay too much to drink. I'll probably do one or two more game centered parties before trying out something else just because it was so much fun.

It looks like the kid party sort of threw itself together and is happening in less than 12 hours, which is awesome.

Next Party: I'm looking at the weekend of 8/19 as the next adult party. And the weekend of 8/26 with children. So mark your calendars, drop me a line, and let me know if you have any ideas that we MUST incorporate this time.

Photos...

I take a ton. Most of them, these days, are of a more personal nature. And I guess I've always felt that they didn't deserve my time and didn't need to be shared. But I was wrong about that. So here are some photos I've taken recently that I love. I hope you do too.

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Catching Up

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 13:39:39 +0000

Life gets hectic. It's good to reflect.

A new house?

I'm seriously thinking about moving. My house is lovely. My neighborhood is decent. With every passing year, the "up and coming" part of Dallas/Fort Worth gets a little closer to me. But, my home's layout isn't ideal for Celeste. I'm still about 20 minutes farther from most things than I'd like to be. My backyard is too small. My neighbors are all renters. And, once Celeste is in regular school, living more than 10 minutes from her Mom will likely make things difficult. Even thought I'm not the one that moved away and I never wanted to get stuck with the house, I still feel like if I can do something to move closer to where her Mom has decided to make a new life, then I'm doing a good thing for Celeste.

So, I'm looking at houses in The Colony right now. The school districts are decent. It's centrally located to most of the stuff we care about in the world. It brings me 20 minutes closer to most things and only a few minutes farther from a few other things. Coppell and Lewisville are also options at this point. But Lewisville has less attractive schools and Coppell is farther away and more expensive. Northern Carrollton, Western Frisco, and North West Plano would all be fine too, but I'd have to make a lot more money for that. There are lots of other cities in the metroplex, surely. But for so many reasons, these are really the only ones that make sense right now.

I'd consider new construction. But I can really only afford it in Allen, parts of McKinney, Rowlett, Haslet, Sache, and, of course, where I am now. Each of these places presents similar distance issues to what I face now. So, I figure I owe it to myself and my daughter to look in the closer areas once more and then, unless something amazing passes my way, just resign (once again) to stay put.

Feeling like superman...

I've had medical issues forever. I had severe allergies as a kid. I've suffered from nasty migraine headaches since age 18 or so. In 2004 I was diagnosed with Meneires Syndrome which, after changes in diet and such, comes with a list of issues: I have difficulty hearing, especially in my left ear; my ears always feel full which is almost unnoticeable when I'm having a good time and enough to drive me insane when I need to concentrate; my ears are always ringing, also making it hard to concentrate. I've always has sinus pressure and sinus headaches. The list goes on and on. But, I've always managed to just deal with it. I take drugs when I need to. I relax when I need to. But, sadly, a large chunk of me and my attention is almost always unavailable because it's combating these things. I want a better life for me and my kid.

About 6 months ago I got a really bad sinus infection with a potentially wonderful ending. It prompted my doctor to order a CT Scan which has clued them in to an issue I've likely had for years that I never knew about. In short, my body has attacked things I'm allergic to in such a way that it has now severely limited my ability to breathe. Untreated, it's quite serious. Death serious. So it's good that we've found it. Even better is that my doctor thinks it might be responsible for a lot of the things that have been bothering me for so long.

There are two treatment options: drugs forever or surgery followed by less drugs forever. The surgery is not too risky. Less than a 1 in 1000 chance that I'll go blind or have my brain leak into the rest of my body, essentially, killing me. And there's a 2% chance of other complications that are fixable but annoying. My doctor believes that, due to the severity, surgery is the best way to bring me relief, prevent my untimely demise, and allow a better live with less drugs in the future. So, that's the option I'm going with.

I'm on a lot of drugs for now to get me to a state when I can even be worked on. Two weeks or so from now I'll have surgery. It's a less than 3 hour procedure that will have me likely back at work within 2 days. I won't be able to turn upside down, go swimming, perform and vigorous exercise, or lift anything heavy (including my kid) for about 2 weeks at the risk of causing complications. After that I'll be better than new.

The hardest part will be working with my daughter. She's so smart and so kind and so careful, that I know she'll understand if I explain it to her, why I can't pick her up, why we can't dance like crazy people, and why I need her to walk more than being carried for a bit. But, it'll still break my heart to have to tell her such things. More than likely, I'll try to arrange some swaps with her mom so that I still see her, but keep the bulk of long periods of time with her mom and then make up for it when I'm done recovering by taking all my time back. I think I've got enough friends and such willing to help that I should be just fine.

Work... Work... Work...

Work is good. It's hard to complain when almost everything is going my way in that regard. I'm spending more time with my child, I'm working hours that are better for me. I'm seeing more friends. I'm doing more things that I love to do. And, after all of that, I'm making more money than I've ever made before, and I'm not even REALLY trying. I still intend to quit my "big job" in September. That's not really a secret, though they may have forgotten that I told them that. My next experiment is to plan a working vacation. Something where Celeste and I can go some place -- probably upstate new york -- and, thanks to technology, perform a hybrid of work and play and school. I'm pretty sure I can pull it off.

I'm also slowly building up my freelance base. If you know anyone needing web application development, or small business IT solutions, please let me know. I pay a finder's fee.

Photography...

I'm getting back in to the swing of things. But slowly. After everything is said and done, between work, play, maintaining a home, raising a child, and maintaining friendships, I'm not left with a lot of time. Paying jobs are great, but rebuilding the network and portfolio needed to get those paying jobs takes some time. I'm grateful that I'm surrounded by so many amazing and talented photographers that are quite active that I'm able to slowly rebuild those things while having a really good time.

If you're interested in being photographed I'm interested in you. I offer portrait services (as mentioned on my website http://djamesphoto.com/). Additionally, I'm willing to trade prints for time for subjects that are flexible, very interested, and offer something my portfolio or network can use. Send me an email and we can talk about specifics.

My Daughter...

It's complicated and funny how I can look at her and realize that, whatever it is I'm doing, I'm doing it right. She's brilliant. She's funny. She's artistic. She's a knowledge sponge. She's kind and caring. She understands the basics of complicated human emotion -- and most importantly, how to handle someone else going through them. She eats well. She sleeps well. We can run around outside, spend a day at the pool, visit friends, eat at restaurants, clean the house, trudge through a day of errands and shopping, or spend the night killing Zombies and play Dora games and everything just works. Sure, there are conflicts of interest now and then. But she's nothing like the difficult, cranky, defiant, screaming, crying, kids you see in the supermarket that had me scared to death to ever have children.

Maybe I got lucky. Maybe my overly-analytic, control-freak, do-gooder tendencies mixed with her mom's more laid back approach to life has results in the absolute perfect genetic mix. Maybe my DNA should be studied by generations of scientists to help create a better human race. But I doubt it. More than anything, I think my no nonsense approach to explaining life and the reasons things work the way they do helps her to understand what is appropriate and why. I think the sternness that I present to her when she's doing something wrong is just enough to keep her from doing it again but not enough to send her into meltdown. I think treating her like a human -- like I would ANY human -- causes her to treat me the same. Yes, she's a child. Yes, there are things she can't do on her own. Yes, there are things she doesn't understand. But there are adults that can't do things on their own and have things they don't understand do. I help her and teach her and encourage her in the same way I would an adult in the same situation. Yes, there are lot more things to teach and help with, but that doesn't change the approach.

I'm not perfect. Well, unless you're an attractive, single, female who likes kids, family, and moonlit walks on the beach. Then, yeah, baby, I'm perfect. But, otherwise, I make mistakes. I lose my temper. I need a break from time to time. Sometimes, I just don't feel like doing whatever it is I'm being asked to do. Even then, even in those moment, the approach I'd take with an adult -- telling them I need a break or that I don't feel like it -- is the same I take with my daughter. And usually, she just gets it.

It makes me want to find a decent woman, have a few more babies, and live a good life filled with kids, parties, and radical honesty. But I'm getting ahead of myself there. For now, I'll settle for another toddler dance party; or another beer with some good friends while helping my daughter paint a picture frame; or a nice meal in a home filled with laughing children, helping hands, good conversation, and endless games of hide and go seek.

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an unworthy thought

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:09:12 +0000

Now and then your name or your words cross my mind.
In the midst of trying to find the words that never come –
An expression of what you meant to me,
What I would have done for you,
And what you are missing now –
I suddenly realize that the kindness I pay you
by simply remembering your name
Is more thought than you ever gave to me or my happiness.

Though I can still remember the heat of your kiss,
The taste of the salt from your skin,
And the wideness in your eyes
as you relax the arch of your back,
I cannot remember a single moment
Where you made me feel anything
Except not good enough.

A reason for everything...

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:26:00 +0000

As a child, Father's Day was basically an excuse to make cards, have a meal that I probably liked more than usual, and spend some time together as a family. All told, not a huge departure from something we did anyway once a week or so. I never once considered what my Dad might have felt on Father's Day.

On the surface, this Father's Day looked much like every Father's Day I'd seen as a child. We rarely, if ever, had uncles and aunts around for Father's Day, so that was a welcome difference. But each of my siblings now has at least one child and we were all there except for my oldest brother who lives in Alabama. We also never had friends around on such occassions. But, as I count my blessings, my best and dearest friend spent the day with us, which meant more to me than I can express. There were cards and family time but, all together, just like when I was younger, it was something our family does once a month anyway.

But beyond all of that I found myself flashing through all of my successes and failures as a father. I had a pretty bad headache and, in general, wasn't feeling all that great. In those cases, my patience is generally a lot thinner than it is otherwise, so I had some immediate experiences to draw upon in the failures department. However, I also was reminded of all the things that I manage to get right. I love the way my daughter and I work together. I love the kindnesses she shares regularly. I love how eager she is to help, even if, from time to time, "helping" means stepping aside and just letting something get done. I love the way she expresses herself in drawing and music and dance. My daughter is brilliant and happy. Yes, from time to time I upset her and fail to explain myself in a way that she can understand and that makes her sad. But, I've taught her well enough and earned enough of her trust that she's willing to express that sadness to me so that, even if we can't understand eachother, we can understand how it makes us feel and move on to a better place. I got "Happy Father's Day" wishes and genuine compliments from other family, close friends, and even an ex-girlfriend or two, which made me smile.

In the end, I found myself happy with where I'm at but, as always with me, working toward being even better. I realize that I need to find more patience, less stress, more peace, and a far greater acceptance of myself. The greatest thing any father can do for their children is to live his own life well. We humans, especially as children, learn through observation. The better I can juggle adventure and obligation, pride and humility, self-esteem and self-improvement, giving and taking, the better my daughter will be at doing the same which will lead to a more fulfilling life.

I also found myself missing the company of other parents, especially those that I admire and respect and can learn from. It makes me wish so deeply that, as a culture, we didn't live our lives locked into our little boxes. I wish that privacy, and isolation, and "staying at home alone" was the exception and not the rule. And it makes me eager, once more, to reach out to families that I love and cherish and try to get people together more often as well as to meet new people that live close and are similarly minded.

I had a wonderful day, as I do most days, and I am ever grateful for the many blessings that fill my life. Especially my daughter who brings sunshine to even the gloomiest days, and my close friends and family who provide a strong example and unending support. You are all so beautiful.

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making fruit

Thu, 27 Jan 2011 12:19:25 +0000

Love is not a bowl of oranges.
Its fruits are devoured quickly.
A race against the spoiling sun.
The bowl is left behind.
Empty.

Love is an orange tree.
Its fruits are cherished,
Handled delicately
Leaving only few with bruises.
Collected conservatively
Leaving none to spoil in the sun.
In time, with rich nourishment
Plenty of water, and diligent care
The tree will yield great fruit
To be devoured or savored
As often as you please.

Love is not the fruit. Love is how the fruit is made.

two opposing lessons

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 16:01:12 +0000

I’m realizing now, more than ever, that I have a really hard time simply asking for what I want.

I’m not the kind of person to blame my own faults on past circumstances, but it does help to go over what might have reinforced bad thinking.

I’ve always had low self-esteem. Slowly, in one life area at a time, that’s getting better. But this personal stuff (friends, love, sex, etc), that’s still the last part to go.

It also doesn’t help that many of the times I’ve been very open about what I wanted it didn’t end well.

One time was met with “you’re moving too fast, emotionally. Let’s just have sex.” Another was met with “I’m not really ready for a relationship.” To which I said, “I’m not asking for a relationship, I just thought we could go out.” To which she said, “so we’re good then.” A third said, “I love you, but I don’t love you like that.” And then shortly afterward, she began seeing her ex boyfriend again. A fourth has been very honest, very straightforward, yet very hung up on someone else. Another was willing to give me anything, as long as I asked for it directly and rarely on her own accord.

I’m not blaming anyone. It’s not like I want anyone to lie to me and give me what I want just because I want it. That’s not fair and, ultimately, not what I want at all.

But now I find I’m genuinely afraid to full put myself out there unless I see that the other person is doing the same. And, if they can’t or won’t for whatever reason, until I make the first step, then we’re in this constant lock where I take one step and then expect one in return, which isn’t at all fair.

So I’m trying to learn to be all of myself openly. I’m learning to put what I want out there with complete disregard for the “rules”. I’m learning to make what I want known, to not expect to receive it just because I want it, and to be okay with not getting it.

But, at the same time, in direct conflict, I’m also learning to pace myself. To understand that, even though my heart is often ready to make big leaps, other people need to take baby steps. I’m learning that everyone else has their quirks and baggage and that, more often than not, letting all the secrets go up front scares people away.

And trying to learn both of these things at the same time is confusing. And overly complicated. And just fucking stupid. at times. It’s hard. And it hurts. And it brings me back to my initial theory that, perhaps, I just need to maintain three different versions of me.

these four walls

Sat, 22 Jan 2011 12:31:02 +0000

four walls provide shelter.
protection from rain and sun.
a buffer from the cold and heat.
a quiet place to find rest.

four walls do not provide life.
it doesn’t seep from the foundation.
it doesn’t blow in through the cracks.
it doesn’t drip from the light fixture
every time it rains.

life is made from love and laughter.
life is forged out of respect and admiration.
life is built through trust and participation.

life vibrates like a child’s laughter.
life warms like an oven baking cookies.
life tickles like uncaught rain drops
running down chins below wide open mouths.
life breathes like a heaving chest
from another race from this tree to that
or another tangling of the sheets.

many places are waiting to be filled with life.
others are full of life with room for more.
but only thieves show up empty handed:
ready to fill their arms before moving on
to the next four walls.

Here I am, and I will never be here again.

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:51:00 +0000

Dear Future of a Past Self--

A friend recently sent me an email to link about Mark Zuckerberg - creator of Facebook - with a comment that read, simply, "ya know, this could have been you".

He's right. And he's not the only friend to mention such things to me over the past ten years. That could have been me. When I went to see the "Facebook Movie" (called "The Social Network") one of the many topics of conversation that proceeded it stemed around the idea that what Mark created wasn't revolutionary in pieces, it wasn't very difficult to do, and it, arguable, wasn't even done very well. What mattered was that those pieces were put together in that way at that precise time and delivered to the right people in the way it was delivered.

The point is, time and time again throughout my past I've been near to ideas, situations, and choices that had a very strong potential of leading me toward weath and fame and other such things. One way to look at that is to see each of those things as missed opportunities. But I don't.

If I had made any of those choices differently they'd likely lead to a world very different than the one I'm living today. And, because of the kind of person I am, I'm sure that those lives would have also been filled with happiness and friendship and exploration. But this "me" truly values the intangible things I have in this life, both big and small. Giving them up or trading them in even for a life certain to be full of wealth and fame isn't something I'm willing to do. I'm very happy where I am.

More so, even with all the money and fame and freedom those things can buy, the problems that I have today, the bits of life that, if "fixed" would leave me much happier and fulfilled, are not things that money and fame can buy. Freedom could help, but only just slightly.

So, when I look at things like Facebook and people like Mark Zuckerberg, the question in my mind is not "where could I have gone?" but "where will I go next?"

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it's time to give

Sat, 27 Nov 2010 14:02:57 +0000

Dear Calendar,

I'm almost to your last page. You've been a good book. In some ways, better than the one before you. In others, not so much. But, all told, each one of you is better than the last, so, together, we must be doing something right.

Christmas is here. Even though I can very distinctly remember that each year that preceded this one ended with some kind of frantic gift buying and overspending that I swear I won't do the next year, it's still one of my favorite times of year. I love Christmas because, for a short period of time, people at least pretend to believe like I do. They put first all the things that I consider to be most important: friendship, closeness, warmth, and children. In perfect time with the weather, as we bundle on our coats we're reminded of both how cold it can be outside and how warm we can be inside if we just hold the things that matter close.

Celeste and I are putting up the Christmas tree today. Long ago I stopped buying real trees since they required more attention than I had to give and having it in the house seemed to make my cats think they were birds who, naturally, live in trees. So we've got one of those plastic trees that gets put together one row at a time by matching letters on the branches to letters on the trunk. Celeste loves to help with this part, so that's good. But lighting the tree bores her to tears. And me too, really. So, I think I'm either going to buy a pre-lit tree this year or find a faster way to light it. There are about a billion ways to light a tree and all of them seem faster and easier than doing what I usually do, which looks similar to a one-manned maypole ceremony without any of the nudity.

With a child, there's one aspect of Christmas that I struggle with teaching. I give. I've always given. And I don't just mean around Christmas time. But there's a line between giving because I want to and giving because I feel like I have to. And Christmas is that time of year where we're encouraged, more than ever, to give.

I don't give gifts just because I'm certain I'm getting one. That's a silly stress that results in two people spending money on things the other person probably doesn't want and the only true benefactors are the merchants.

I don't give alms to the hundreds of hands that extend in my direction as though it's my social duty to give to them because I've been productive and they've either been lazy or unlucky. There are some charities that I agree with: those that provide the means of jump starting productivity to systematically unlucky people, to those that have been abused, to children, and to those that have laid down their life to fight for mine. That doesn't include the bell ringer standing in front of every Wal-Mart.

I know a lot of people. Good, honest, hard working, productive people. Some that, despite hard work and making every attempt to do better for themselves are simply having a hard time. People that I Iove and cherish. People that are important to me, to my life, to my daughter. People that I wish there could be more of on this planet. When I give, I give because I want to. Sometimes I give because I love someone and want them to know I'm thinking of them. Other times I give because I want to make someone's life easier in a hard time and because I take care of those that would take care of me. I don't give because someone makes me feel like their misfortune or laziness is my burden. I do believe, fully, that we are responsible for each other. That we should take care of one another. But there are plenty of people already in my life that need caring for. I think the world as a whole would be far better if we all took care of those that we love.

Teaching that to a child is not easy in this society. But at least the message is simple. I don't believe in "love your enemy". I love freely and by default. I continue to love those that earn my love and deserve it. And I only give to those I love. It's not a very "Christian" value to teach over a holiday that bears his name, is it? I put myself and those I hold dear before everyone else. I'm that selfish guy who refuses to adopt a morality that upholds those who sacrifice the most, that exalts the most miserable, that rewards those that deserve it the least. I'm that selfish guy who loves who he loves with all of his heart and with every bit of means he possesses, and gives nothing to those who are only there for a handout. I hope and pray that when my beautiful, loving, caring daughter grows up, she won't waste herself and her love either. Bah Humbug.

Celeste and I are good at squeezing every drop of goodness out of what's in front of us while it's there before moving on to produce and enable the next big thing. It's something I've always been good at. I make my own life. I sweat for some pieces, laugh over others. I find some pieces and build the rest. And I live as fully as I can enable myself to live. I love that my daughter is starting to pick up how to do this too. It makes for an incredible life.

In the span of three short months our home went from two to five and back to two again. Despite the hardships that come with taking two different lives and lifestyles and smashing them into each other at full speed, I loved having a roommate. So, I'll certainly be looking for another. Since most of the rooms are empty and, now, are in desperate need of it, I think I'll clear them all out, replace the carpet, and set up a live/play/work area upstairs that makes more sense. So, if all goes well, I'll start actively looking in January. Though, I'd accept something sooner as long as they were willing to accept a work in progress.

Despite the fact that I'm sad to see them go, I'm glad that they were able to move some place where what they have to offer is a good fit for what is needed and where their lifestyle might be a little more of a match. Not that any group of determined people can't make anything work if they want to, but, it's nice when pieces just fit together on their own.

There's lots of other little things going on. But, like you, dear Calendar, I'm just about out of time.

Love,
Daniel

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walking puzzle pieces

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 11:54:28 +0000

Last Sunday I took a walk: almost two hours, almost five miles, just for me. This is how it went.

(All of the images were edited and the text written in the tiny spaces of free time I have that surrounds and otherwise hectic life. It’s probably very disjointed. So if something doesn’t flow well or doesn’t quite make sense, please let me know and I’ll refine it over the next few weeks.)

I’ve crossed this bridge before. I’ve stood right here and looked across it wondering if this was the right way to go. And here I am again. Doomed to repeat what’s been done before because I can’t remember exactly what led me to the choices I made. There was always just enough good rolled in with the bad to keep me forgetting.

The details are always different of course. That’s what makes the journey interesting. That’s what helps me to forget that I remembered the beginning as though I’d been there just yesterday. Or that the destination will be the same as it was the last time.

In a world where anything can happen, the most unexpected things may seem just as likely as the expected. But they aren’t.

When I begin to expect the unexpected without the understanding that, while luck may play a role, a good life comes from work and dedication. Ancient man starved, shivered, and was restricted to the more hospitable parts of the globe. Learning about fire wasn’t enough to keep warm he had to also learn about fuel. Fire is easy. A spark is easy. Anything can happen, even if it’s unexpected. But once you have that first flame, without fuel it will soon die. Fuel might also happen by chance. But fuel isn’t a one time thing. Again and again, the flame must be refueled. And, even that too, may happen by chance. But I’d rather guarantee my warmth through the hard work of gathering fuel than on the chance that fuel will be provided for me.

But how do I change the pattern? How do I change where I end up and yet still enjoy a walk like this? Every destination is led to by more than one journey. Could the same journey lead to more than one destination? Have I, all this time, been throwing out the good things with the bad believing that the two had to go together? Is it actually possible that they don’t?

This particular path is fairly long. I can turn back at any point, of course. Unless I’ve got a friend meeting me half way, and I never have, even if I get to the very end, eventually, the only option is to turn around and go back. Right back to the same place I started.

And every thing that I saw I see again, though in slightly different light.

Even the things that stand out so much that I remember them don’t stand out enough over the waves of time that I remember every detail. So it all seems new, though, still, vaguely repeated.

But I continue. Because the walk really is so beautiful.

The wide open spaces make me feel free to run or scream or dance. I feel comfortable knowing that the only people that can see me now or those that have stuck by my this far in the journey. There’s some comfort in that mutual understanding of what laid behind us, and what is yet to come.

Eventually, I turn around and head back. Limited food and water and the pressures of all the parts of life that I left behind grab a hold of me. If I keep going, this stops being time to myself and starts turning into an escape. There is far too much that I left behind to run away without, most important of all, my daughter.

The flood of memories that caused me to turn around in the first place reaches and washed over me. I re-live and cherish every moment I’ve shared with my daughter. I honor all the solemn moments that I’ve had with a friend when I felt understood. I smile and laugh at all of the awkward first romances I had and how, even now, I’m complicated and awkward without reason.

I remember the darker times too. I see the beauty in some of them in retrospect. The personal growth, the lessons learned, the happier times that followed because of them. In others I see only their pointless nature and the cruelty of other people.

I imagine my daughter playing in this meadow, laughing and picking the few remaining flowers as though they’d been grown just for her. I imagine an old friend who would be afraid of all the butterflies. Another who would find the shape of the land and the water shed interested. A child would would want to collect every rock until her pockets were bulging. I remember long mountain hikes with my dad. I remember sitting on top of the highest, most precarious rocks we could find, and planting our butts down in the dried bird poop that had collected in this natural perch, just so we could be in that very spot.

I remember every time I’ve walked hand in hand with a friend down unknown paths. I remember every step, every laugh, and every cautious corner.

I did something no man should ever do, yet every man should do at least once: I took of myself. I considered what I was, who I wanted to be, and what parts were silly, unimportant, expendable, and absolutely unwaivering. I considered every human being like a piece to a jigsaw puzzle and I wondered how many lumps and bumps I could cut off of myself and still be considered myself.

Reshaping puzzle pieces isn’t something I’d really wanted to consider. On the surface it feels like letting myself be something other than myself. It’s not until I accept that most of us start off as square pieces that I realize every lobe and dent is the result of intentional change, either as a result of environment, upbringing, or intent. Being able to instigate change in ourselves is one of the few things that makes us uniquely human. So avoiding doing so is denying ourselves.

In the end, though, I only filed away a few bumps — things that I realized were quite unimportant and causing me more grief and joy. But the thought itself remained. The only way any of us makes it together is by chance, by wear, or by effort. Sometimes we get lucky and we just happen to find another person with roughly the same edges. It’s close enough. The rest works out, somehow. Other times, either by choice or not, we spend time with one another regardless of what does and doesn’t fit. And, in the end, our bumps and valleys rub against the other often enough that they are slowly filed away into matching pieces. The older we get, though, the harder our pieces are set, and the less time we have to wait on erosion. Effort is the only option that remains.

It was the consideration of sacrifice that stopped me. I realized fully that I am not perfect. That, without change, I will never get closer to perfect. I realized that my journey there would be made more interesting and more productive in a group of at least two. I realized that self-sacrifice was eminent. In that same moment, I realized I was the only one. I realized that sacrificing any part of myself worthy of keeping would be a mistake if not done in the light of others like-minded.

So instead of changing myself toward some unknown, inflexible pattern, I opted to get rid of the pieces that I was certain I didn’t need: my resistance to incremental, unintentional change. I softened myself and cut away all the rough edges. I left one barrier, though. Built it up, in fact: That part of me that faces the most forward because I know that what’s left inside is too easily manipulated, too generous, too eager, too willing, to be left in the open facing so many other patterns unprotected.

The rest of the journey was in peace. I enjoyed the birds. I rediscovered small meadows. I felt the sun on my cheeks.

I returned to the bridge. Though it was the same bridge in every way that I could see, something about it felt slightly different.

"You count the ways in which they gave but it's more about why you love, and less about how."

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 13:57:00 +0000

Dear Brain or Heart or Soul or whatever piece of me it is that makes me like this,

I'd written these paragraphs a hundred different ways, ten different times to just as many people. Then I realized that it was really just the same old shit. The only difference wasn't in how it could be described, but in how it could be felt. And it is me that needs a change in feelings.

I get caught up in how people love me. I guess because no one is ever really able to say "why". So action seems to be the only measure of love. But I wonder if it needs to be measured at all.

It can't be measured, except indirectly in tangible things. Giving, is an example. I give a lot. I give -- time, effort, money, thought -- to those I love well beyond the the point of sacrifice. One day I considered how much money, just money alone, I'd given to friends in need over the course of a year. It was enough to give me two weeks of unpaid time off. Two weeks I could spend sleeping, photographing, cleaning, or chasing butterflies with my kid.

But measuring it doesn't matter. What matters is why I gave in the first place. Did I give out of love? Out of obligation? Out of pity? Simply because I don't know what else to do?

And when I look at the love that comes from others, I've always been more concerned with how they were loving me instead of why. I get upset when a friend doesn't bother to invite me to things even though I invite them out often and they regularly accept. I get upset when crafty friends make tokens of appreciation for those they care about and leave my daughter and I out. I get upset when it's always me that has to drive to see someone and that, despite how much travelling I do, if we don't do something near them then they aren't likely to come.

The turning point was when I got upset when I realized that my daughter only comes to me when she's hurt but, no matter how much I ask and offer, prefers to spend her time dancing and singing and playing with other people and me as a last resort. I wasn't upset with her. I was upset with myself. I felt like I wasn't giving enough. Like I needed to try harder, do more, be more, convince her that I was worth her time.

That's when I realized that it didn't matter. My daughter is laughing and happy and having fun. That's what matters. My love for her and my love for others in hundreds of ways makes that possible even if I'm not the final delivery of that happiness. And I know that she loves me even if she doesn't express it in whatever twisted way my head has decided is required.

I'm sure this sounds silly to most other people, but it's really the first time I'm making this connection. I need to stop giving of myself beyond the breaking point. I need to stop taking away from my own happiness to ensure the happiness of others. If making someone else happy doesn't make me happy in the process, then I'm either doing it wrong or I'm trying too hard to prove a love that isn't there. In the same way, I need to learn to accept gifts of happiness, no matter how small. Because, though the "how" in some cases may be tiny in comparison, it's the "why" that's important. Accepting that is part of what validates it.

"Its too scary to say I just am, just am.
But I offer you only what I know of love.
I confess what it is I think I forgot:
I tend to remember more about what love is not.
My gift remains it's still the same
It ain't enough, but it's all I've got."

--Shame // Brian Webb

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weekend with a touch of Malaria

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 13:15:38 +0000

Dear Malaria (or West Nile)--

I had a fantastic weekend.

Friday night, there was a nice dinner and a great time seeing one of my favorite local bands, Telegraph Canyon. I'd never seen them live before, so it was quite a treat. I also got a text message during the show that said "come outside!" and, sure enough, there stood two friends I hadn't seen in quite a while. So it was nice to catch up with them for a bit before I got back to my date. Telegraph Canyon rocked. They played every song I wanted to hear and even came out for an encore of "Low". Then I drove my date home and didn't find my pillow until near 3am.

Saturday morning I spent a few hours with a really nice family taking wedding engagement photos. It's not something I do for a living. I tried that once and absolutely hated it. Engagement photos, portraits, weddings and other events are terribly boring, for the most part. The work is tiring, you're always trying to get more out of it than it really there, and it's just not worth the pay. But, in special cases -- for friends, events I find interesting, and causes I align with -- I do this kind of work. We had a good time. I got really lucky that one of the friends/family that was there to help was really, really good at helping. So I had someone to move hair, hold reflectors, pose arms when I was too busy or too far away to direct well, and, in general, make the session flow really well.

Later that afternoon, my kiddo came over with her mom for a bit so we could go to the fall festival in my community. We took the neighbor girl with us, since her Dad couldn't be bothered with such things. The Festival itself wasn't all that great. In fact, if it hadn't been for the big inflatable slide, I'd have had a hard time telling the difference between the "festival" and a bunch of bored people standing around in a circle while kids played on the playground that's there all year long. But dressing my daughter up and seeing her so excited to be wearing her costume was a blast. She "trunk-or-treated" at all 5 of the available cars, ate a snow cone, went down the inflatable slide, and paraded around in her costume like she was an actual fairy princess. Then we went out for dinner.

That night, I met a friend for drinks, then bowling, and then karaoke. Maybe I was too drunk to give an accurate assessment, but I'm pretty sure we owned that place.

Sunday morning I played catch up on sleep-- I sleet in until 8:30am! Can you believe it?! Then, after a slow start, I packed up and headed out to Fort Worth for a photo session in an abandoned grain silo. We're talking three giant towers, filled with all sorts of decay, a railroad track in disrepair, and metal bridges and ladders overhead connecting it all. It was heaven. I met some fantastic people there, and you Malaria. After wrapping up, we headed to a great Mexican place for dinner and drinks and, apparently, 11 dicks. On the way out the hood of my car was violated by a cute girl, with special attention to my right headlight. I thought he'd be upset considering he wasn't asked first and she was a bit rough with him. But, he's already asking me to get her phone number so I guess he enjoyed himself too. Finally, I headed home for the evening to unpack the car and crash.

So, Malaria, here's where you come in. I saw you lurking in the murky water at the grain silo. I heard you buzzing around my head and felt your sting on my arms and elbows. Please leave my liver and my sanity intact. If you can do this, Malaria, and let me have many more fantastic weekends like this one, I promise to keep bringing people to you so that you can have their livers instead. I'm sure, if you'll consider my offer you'll see that this is truly win, win.

Love,
Daniel

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the breaking point

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 12:29:14 +0000

Most people that know me don’t know the side of me that absolutely breaks down in a stressful situation. That’s because it doesn’t happen in every stressful situation. In fact, I’m really good under pressure. But in certain cases, on certain days, in certain situations, I lose it. I become a bad friend, a bad father, and a terrible person. I remain on the edge of frustration long after it happens.

It’s not a part of me that I like very much and I’ve always worked toward making it better. This weekend, I think I learned a bit more about what sets me off. I hope that, in this knowledge, I can learn to not get this way.

Stressful situations are, really, my specialty. Whether it’s crying children, urgent business meetings, uncomfortable scenarios, or dangerous life events, I’m at the top of my game. This weekend, I realized that the point where I start to lose it is when I realize that I’m enduring massive stress for, at least in part, the benefit of someone else when they, themselves, are not enduring the same stress. It doesn’t really even have to be their fault that they aren’t there to help or aren’t helping in a manner that I see fit. The fact that I’m doing something very stressful for someone else without their support seems to really irritate me. I can withstand some of it, especially if there is relief and I realize I was wrong. But, once it gets past a point, it seems like there’s no return.

On the worst side of it, I can remember very stressful times with my Ex when we were running out of time to plan something, or in the middle of plans that were being destroyed for whatever reason and she would just be texting on her phone. I don’t even know if there was anything she could do. But the simple fact that my brain was running as fast as it could trying to figure out our mutual problem while she was doing the very opposite of that would drive me over the wall. Or, when I was working my butt off to get us out of debt only to see money carelessly wasted in other areas on things like late fees because she’d forgot to pay a bill on time or something. I don’t mean to suggest she was doing anything wrong — or rather, I don’t mean to say that anyone exhibiting this same behavior is doing something wrong. In this case, wrong or right didn’t even matter. It was perception. I felt like I was doing everything while she was doing nothing — even if her text messages and absent-minded bill paying were due to her being on the verge of curing cancer.

So Saturday didn’t start off well. It took me six hours to pack the car to go camping. Way longer than it should have. I felt like my daughter was being neglected the entire time. If had just been her and I involved, I could have made decisions that would have solved problems. But there were people counting on me to do what I was doing and to do it right, even if they weren’t helping me do it. The more I stressed and the more I felt like I was neglecting my daughter the more I snapped. I even got upset with her a few times when I panicked because I wasn’t immediately sure if she was outside with me or inside the house.

Finally on the road, I got better. But, like I said, once I get there, it takes a lot to get me back down. As soon as one little thing went wrong I was over the line again. And a lot of little things went wrong. From not finding an important item at the store, to having to repack the car, to the camp ground being booked solid along with every other campground within a 1 hour radius. As each new thing went wrong, not only was I already on the edge, but I still felt unsupported. So I just got worse and worse and worse. Even once we got there and things should have been getting better, I felt like I was doing more than my share. Normally, I tolerate doing more than my share very well. But, being already past the line, I just couldn’t take it.

My daughter picks up on my bad mood. At first she’s really sweet and she tries to remind me that everything is okay. And that should be enough. But I care too much about other people, that I fall right back into it. Eventually, she stops being able to help and finds her own bad mood. After everything was done all that was left was to enjoy the evening and relax. But she and I were both in such bad moods that we just couldn’t. She was on edge and I was trying to climb down. Eventually, we opted to isolate ourselves by going to bed.

That, of course, solved everything. Not the sleeping part. Just taking out every other factor but us. We snuggled in bed and laughed and looked at the stars and talked about dragon flies. I enjoyed those thirty minutes so much that it made me incredibly sad that I couldn’t have just let the rest of my day be that good.

Altruism is at my very core. But with it comes my inability to deal with people who are unwilling to handle themselves. Unfortunately, altruism attracts people unwilling to do things for themselves. And that leaves me in a mess. I need to learn to embrace egoism or learn to be less concerned with the outcome of my altruism understanding that, even if I don’t help as much as I want to, they are no worse off than they were and, of course, can walk away from my help at any time. I need to learn to shrink the circle around that which I feel responsible for. I need to learn to tell people “I can’t” even if that ruins it for them. I need to learn to be altruistic in planning and preparation and then hold on to what matters most during execution of those plans.

In order to get it right I’m going to have to be very conscious about it at first, which will feel awkward to me, and maybe even to others too. But it’s important.

a conflict of priorities

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 15:13:41 +0000

I’m always in conflict with myself about what should come first. Priorities. For life in general, yeah. But mostly, in regard to raising my child.

A friend recently made the analogy of the parent who misses the recital because they are working over time to pay for the costume. I wonder if working overtime is even worth it. Maybe we should just skip the recital entirely? At the same time, I want my kid to have everything those other kids have, and more. And “recital” works it’s way into that list, some how, even though deep down I know the ways and means are almost always more important than the ends.

So I fight with myself over what I should spend what little time and money I have on. Most days I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out that my “corporate career” doesn’t matter at all. I’m employable, I can do almost anything, giving up any more of myself than is absolutely required doesn’t get me where I want to be. I don’t need to be rich — at least not in societies standards — and I don’t need to be famous among anyone except the people I care about.

But, for example, do I throw money and values down the drain and eat at restaurants for every single meal so my daughter and I can spend more time together and get more done? Or do I show my daughter that meals at home are the best way to eat healthy, save money, and spend time together, even if that means almost all of our time every evening is spent dealing with food buying, preparation, eating, and clean up?

In the best possible world, we’d eat out one meal a week, and join together with other like minded families to cover the others. The way I see it, it’s almost as easy to cook for 1 family as it is for 6. If I can cook one meal a week for 6 families, and have meals cooked for me in the homes of people we love and care about for all of the others, that’d be ideal. Each of those families, presumably, would benefit in the same way I do, cooking only one meal a week, and sharing with others for the rest. And the children of the cooking parents are surrounded by others who love them and play with them and care for them while that parent is cooking a meal. As awesome as this idea sounds, I can’t even find one person willing to share in this with me, let alone 6. Now I’m on my soapbox, though.

This same concept spreads over all of life. My daughter would be quite happy watching television for every waking hour of the day. And I know plenty of kids who do just that. But that’s not really the life I want for her. I’d prefer to get her outside, let her feel the grass on her feet, make up stories in the clouds, and seek out adventures behind the trees. But she watches TV at school. She watches TV at her mom’s house. She sees TVs in stores and malls and in the homes of other people. Even if we were to throw out all of our TVs, she’d still have them in her life, and I’d still be the bad guy who doesn’t let her have it. So, do I be the bad guy and endure the “fight” or do I just join her in what she wants?

There’s a division in adult time too. I know how important adult time is. It’s something that our society has forced out of daily life leaving many moms (and some dads) practically stranded in isolated worlds — another soapbox, so I’ll get off before I get started. Despite the fact that I complain about it more than I praise it, I’m blessed with “forced” adult time as a result of my arrangement with my daughter’s mom. But I’m torn with how to spend it. Do I take care of the messy parts of life to make more time for my daughter when I have her? This seems right, yet it leaves me with no time for myself and takes away the day-to-day-life learning experience that my daughter gets from seeing all aspects of “real” life. Do I try to better my situation in order to allow myself even more time as I whole to spend with my daughter? This seems perfect, but, there’s always so much to do that I’m left feeling guilty when the time comes. Do I spend it giving some adult time to the single moms and dads that I care about that never seem to get enough? I try to do so when I have my daughter, since it’s built in in those times anyway. But, I wouldn’t mind doing so in my adult time too.

Many days, I feel good about the choices I make. I feel good about the values I give to my daughter, the support I offer to others, and the life that I’m building for myself, my kid, and for those friends who desire to share — truly share — in it with me. But other times I feel like I’m spread so thin in so many directions that I’m failing at everything. I’m not the photographer I could be. I’m not the employee I could be. I’m not the programmer I could be. I’m not the friend I could be. I’m not the poet I could be. I’m not the lover I could be. I’m not the father I could be. Instead of being really good at something, I’m failing at almost everything.

I don’t think I’ve been as hurt as I was in a long, long time when someone made me feel like less of a father because I had “shared custody”. It was as though they were saying “not only are you failing at everything, you aren’t even a full time parent like I am”.

I am ruled by Guilt. This much, at least, is obvious.

(inspired, in part, by these beautiful words of a beautiful woman.)

can you speed the daytime up?

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 16:04:59 +0000

Dear Days,

I don't mean to knock you. In fact, I love and cherish each and every one of you. But this time of year is my favorite. From the weather, to the length of the day, to the timing of the sunrises and sunsets, this time of year is simply perfect.

So, I hope you'll forgive me and understand when I say that I like certain parts of you more than others during this time of year. Specifically, I don't like any of the parts of you during which I'm required to be at work, and I like all of the parts of you during which I am not required to be at work, specifically those which still have daylight. So, when my butt hits my office chair first thing in the morning, I immediately sigh because it isn't 4pm yet.

If you could, maybe you could just make the middle of each day run a little faster? You know, like that part between 10am and 3pm. Just speed it into quadruple time. You're welcome to slow down the other bits so as not to break any of the laws of time and space for too long. When winter comes, you can go back to normal.

I'd really appreciate it.

Love,

Daniel

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Scheduled and Alone

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 12:04:05 +0000

Dear Alone--

You and I are friends. And as grateful as I am for your friendship, it often makes me sad.

Through all of Elementary and Middle school I can only remember a handful of times that I spent with friends and away from family. Which meant I was mostly alone. There might have been people around, but we weren't even in the same room. I spent my time doing something I liked, completely isolated from anything else, and without any intervention as long as I kept my grades up and didn't get in to trouble. My grades were always high, and I was never in trouble. In short, I taught myself how to be a

Someone named Andrea Dorfman made this video called "How to be Alone".

The first time I saw it it was due to many people recommending it via several different outlets. After watching it, I found myself both smiling and sad.

Smiling because I could identify with every word of it. Smiling because I was certain a lot of people might benefit from such a video.

Yet, I was also so very sad. Sad because we live in a world where being "Alone" is something so often encountered that someone felt the need to describe how to do it. Sad because I was already an expert.

As Humans, there are a lot of skills we have the natural desire to acquire. When left to their own devices, children run and jump and climb and eat and hunt and gather. When left with no agenda, children sing and dance and converse and play with one another. But there are two skills needed for society today that we have no natural desire to acquire: 1) following a schedule, 2) being alone.

Aside from activities requiring intense, solitary concentration, or those things requiring privacy, I can think of no activity that is not made both easier and better when done with other people and when done without a schedule. I know I've said all of this before. It's just fresh on my mind again as I dig up these unnatural skills in order to make a flight on time and to stand before the beginning of another day spent alone. Thankfully, when I arrive home, my life will once again be filled with people I love. Sadly, I'll still be on a schedule, though not one as tight as this. And, for a while, you and I will be apart.

Worry not. I'm sure we'll be together again soon.

Regretfully Yours,

Daniel

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My idealism vs The Real World

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 19:57:17 +0000

Dear Real World,

I am an idealist. In my head, I live in an ideal world. The problem with that is this world is not ideal. This world is FAR from ideal.

In the real world you have to take what belongs to you or anything you want that's unclaimed or even only maybe unclaimed. In the real world you ask for things you want that aren't yours because they probably won't be offered.

If you want the last glass of milk, the last slice of cherry pie, the front seat of the car, thirty minutes of solitude, or to pick what's on TV next, you take it. You just take it. If your friend or brother or a stranger has something of yours, you just take it back. You can be nice and "ask" if you want. But it's not really asking. Because if they say "no", you just take it. And if they have something that isn't yours that you want, ask for it. If you don't ask for something, you never know if you can have it. It doesn't matter how unreasonable the request is. In the real world if you've made plans with someone and something better comes along, just change them. Don't even bother making up a lie. Just do what you want to do. In the real world if you don't want to do something you just say "no". It doesn't matter how much they need it. It doesn't matter how little effort it would require of you. It doesn't matter how many things they've done for you or how long they've been there. You just say "no". If they won't accept "no" for an answer, say "yes" and then don't do it anyway.

In the real world it doesn't matter if you find another idealist like yourself. Because they will have a friend, kid, brother, mother, boss that knows how to live in the real world. If there's anyone else near by other than you two idealists, then you're back to the real world.

This is not the world I want to live in. This is not the world I want to raise my daughter in. Sadly, I don't think I have a choice.

Regretfully Yours,

Daniel

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4am is nice this time of year

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 12:02:00 +0000

Dear 4am--

They say nothing good happens at 4am. They say you are the exact middle between when the last of the night owls either goes to bed or is left without mental capacity and that the first of the early birds is still just rolling over in bed, their sleep not quite broken.

I'm not really sure why I'm up. I wasn't having trouble sleeping. Punkin didn't wake up. The cats aren't trying to sleep on my face. No one is drag racing down my street tonight. But I'm awake. And it's 4am.

I'm not even deep in thought. Or wasn't, anyway. Everything is falling into place. My (chosen) family is as strong as ever. It isn't very big and most of it isn't always physically close, but I always feel cared for and supported and that's what matters. And I've finally learned that looking for "love" alone doesn't work. I don't mean real love -- the unconditional stuff they talk about in fairy tales. I mean "love" -- that spark that two people feel that draws them close to one another, makes them desire to see one another even when it's almost impossible, and makes them unable to think of anything but each other. Because the spark alone isn't enough. The older and more complicated we gets the less relationships have to do with "love" and the more they have to do with "life".

There was one "girlfriend" -- oh, titles lose all meaning too, but I digress -- "girlfriend" I had where the attraction was intense. We had a lot of fun together until there were kids around. Then it was awkward, a little boring, and we didn't see eye to eye on lots of parenting stuff. Plus, she was stuck in one town and I was stuck in another so we always had to drive and the possibility of ever moving closer seemed very far off. There was another who was really good with my daughter. She was also great with me: offered help regularly, and even helped when it wasn't asked for because she knew it needed to be done. To this day she still offers help. But that "spark" fizzled out very quickly. There were others that have a strong spark, offer lots of help, live close, my daughter loves, but always leave me feeling unloved, unsure, and stressed out.

I'd go through waves of telling myself it'd be better to accept more of one thing and less of another: prioritizing what I was looking for because I was convinced I wouldn't even find it all in one place. And suddenly, love wasn't about love any more. It was some prioritized checklist of wants, one of which was "love", and every iteration of the list saw "love" getting pushed further and further down.

It isn't that the checklist of things isn't important. It is. Otherwise it'd be like owning a very fast sports car without being able to afford insurance, gasoline, or even having a road it could ride on without tearing it up. It's just that, eventually, the checklist gets to be so important and so complicated that we have to compromise on the car itself. And if it isn't the car we've been dreaming of, then why go through the trouble of accommodating it?

Eventually I decided that finding what I was looking for might be easier and more effective if I didn't look for it all in one place. I could seek that spark in one place, someone to manage a home with in another, share children and tape together a family with another, seek counsel with yet another. And, in many many cases, find more than one place to get each of those things. The thought was that, in the end, this web of wants and people and relationships would result in me getting what I want, them getting what they want, and me never having to rely on just one person ever again.

Every time I reconsider this take on life, I realize, once again, that it's the best way for me. It's probably the best way for a lot of other people too, they just don't or won't consider it. It's a path that would have been almost handed to each of us at birth if our society wasn't so hell bent on being alone. So that's what I'm looking for.

Now I'm here at one of the 4ams of my life. That which was is finally settling in to bed to sleep off the pains of the day before and awake renewed and changed once again, and that which will be is just yet turning over ready to wake into the light of its great day. You can imagine my surprise when, in this hour where nothing good is ever supposed to happen, I manage to find someone else awake. Someone who matches yesterday's search, including, importantly, the spark, and yet believes that today's goal is critical and important even with that find.

This is a good thing. A VERY good thing.

So, 4am, I'm sorry that you've got this bad reputation. You are just as beautiful as any other hour. Spread out amongst the silence in which you are born there is great magic for hearts and souls willing to seek it out. I look forward to the next time.

Love,
Daniel

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saying "no"

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:42:32 +0000

Dear Melissa,

I'm writing you this letter from my dining room table (that someone once told me isn't a dining room table, so, to be clear, I mean the table that people sit at, often to eat food, sometimes to work on a laptop or do art projects, that happens to exist in my dining room). The table is currently a fort. This makes me happy and sad and frustrated all at once.

Happy because this table really deserves to be a fort. Also happy because I loved making forts as a kid and even though I didn't make this one, I love that I got to see it and play in it and watch other kids play in it.

Sad because my daughter wasn't one of those kids who helped build it. We've left it up for her. She'll get home tonight and she'll like it. She'll climb in it and around it. I'll tell her that her friends made it and that will make her happy too because she doesn't really know how be jealous of the time that other people spend yet. Eventually --- probably tonight, maybe tomorrow -- we'll tear it down and she'll be upset about it. I'll tell her that we'll get to build another fort really soon and that'll make her feel a little better.

Frustrated because it's just more mess that I have to clean. We leave for Vermont in 8 days. Because we're spending the night at my mom's the day before, that means I have 8 days and 7 nights to prepare. 6 of those days will be spent at work. 3 of those nights will be spent with Celeste. The list of stuff that needs to be done is so long and still growing: Get the house cleaned, plan my packing, shop for whatever I'm missing, actually pack, get my bills lined up to be paid, get the cats prepared to be cared for for a few weeks, secure someone to care for them (already have a few offers, here, just have to finish it up), get the rental car situated, get things ready for my absence at work (which I'm planning for even more since the week after I get back I have to travel to Tampa).

So here comes the big reveal. Here comes the reason I write any of this out at all -- because it helps me figure out stuff like this. I have such a hard time asking for help. A lot of that is because of how I respond when asked for help. I typically say "yes" out of obligation, even if I really don't want to help, because that's the right thing to do or because I've been helped in the past, or for any other number of reasons. But I don't want anyone to help me unless they WANT to help me. If I ask for help I'm not assured that the people helping want to do so. If I'm offered help, it seems more likely.

I need to get over that. Right now.

When I say "yes" too often I start to feel used and unwanted for any mutually beneficial reasons. It's not a nice feeling. But I really can't blame that feeling on anyone other than me. It's not like I'm being made to feel guilty. It's not like I'm being demanded of. But I'm not saying "no". It's not even that I want to say "no". It's just that saying "yes" sometimes makes things harder on myself and I feel like if I heard a few more "yes"es then taking the time to say "yes" myself wouldn't be so overwhelming. But since I'm not asking for anything, hearing "yes" requires someone to offer on their own. I either need to start asking more often or start saying "no" more often. And if I'm lucky I'll find someone who is as forthcoming about offering to help as I am.

So that's where I'm at. I need to get over my inability to ask for help; learn how to say "no" when I have stuff to do and don't see any obvious help coming my way; and nurture any relationship I find that offers help without me having to ask for it.

Love,

Daniel

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together we fall

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 12:20:45 +0000

Dear Melissa--

With many of the people I am close to, I find that when they are "off" so am I. I'm never really sure who "started it". And I haven't decided if we're bringing each other down or if there some stimulus, external to us, that affects us all in a similar way. But it happens often enough though usually only with a few people, at most, at a time. So maybe I'm just making it up entirely.

Whatever it is -- made up or real, a cause or an effect -- it usually leaves us a bit crippled when it comes to helping one another find comfort though we still try like crazy. Somehow, though, there is some comfort in knowing that we're in it together. The more often and intensely this seems to hold true with someone the more I understand how close I am to them.

Last night was difficult. I just couldn't sleep, despite the sleeping pill that usually works. Celeste couldn't sleep either. Tossing and turning. I think we were taking turns waking each other up. It was one of those nights where she might have been better off in her own bed. I think I just have too much to think about. There's a big pile of work stuff hanging over my head. I finally got my finances sorted out again but I still have to figure out how to make it happen. My house is a wreck. I'm trying to plan a vacation. I'm already missing my kiddo this weekend even though she's still right here with me.

Yesterday was a rough day. I just couldn't get my head out of a spiral of guilt and worry and the few things that would have helped were far too far away. Things got better when I picked up Celeste from school and told myself that there was only one thing that was important for the next 18 hours or so, and that was her. I let most of the chores slide (which means I have no idea what either of us are wearing today), I let social responsibilities slide (so if I didn't answer the phone and you didn't text or leave a message saying it was an emergency, then I'll get back to you sometime today), and I just concentrated on her and I. We had silly fun while doing our shopping. We built giant towers out of blocks. We painted. We listened to music. We jumped on the bed. We had a very good time. But as soon as she fell asleep, I let my head start spinning again.

On top of all of that, I'm really close to something I've wanted for a while, and the anticipation as well as the planning of it all is also keeping my head spinning. No, I'm not being secretive. I've found someone to share a home with. Someone like minded when it comes to parenting and house work and spending and what's important and what isn't. Someone that things just click into place with on most days. Someone that is offering workable ways to make life better all around, so that I have more time for myself, more time for the people I love, and, most importantly, more time for Celeste.

So, for the time being I'm staying less future oriented. I'm looking 2 or 3 days ahead, at most, with a quick glance at the next month every now and then and calling that good enough for now. I'll still be missing Celeste but, otherwise, this is going to be a fantastic weekend. It'll be filled with close friends, awesome kids, hot girls, and a even a fun get together which a bunch of people. Pretty hard to go wrong if I can keep my eyes on what's important: right now.

Love,

Daniel

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I always knew I'd live forever. And now it's been proven by science.

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:18:43 +0000

I always knew I'd live forever. And now it's been proven by science.

Missing Missy

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:36:46 +0000

Missing Missy:

If I ever lose a cat, I’m paying this guy to make the poster.

"So what’s the secret to making marriage last? Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it."

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:39:23 +0000

“So what’s the secret to making marriage last?
Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it.”

- The secret to a lasting marriage

nook for Android, finally

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 20:56:35 +0000

nook for Android, finally:

Barnes and Noble had a special opportunity to be the very first bookstore backed ebook reader available on the Android platform. Instead they are dead last, beat by both Amazon and Borders.

The special opportunity came in that their handheld reader, The Nook, runs the Android platform. So, presumably, very little modification would be required to port it to mobile phones as opposed to the specific hardware of the Nook.

Oh well.

The Kindle app is great. And the Barnes and Noble owned eReader.com website app is terrible. So I’m not sure I have any reason to take a chance on it now.

I guess competition is good though.

New policy aims elimnate no VBAC stances.

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 19:48:50 +0000

New policy aims elimnate no VBAC stances.:

“Most women who’ve had a C-section, and many who’ve had two, should be allowed to try labor with their next baby, say new guidelines — a step toward reversing the “once a cesarean, always a cesarean” policies taking root in many hospitals.”

If only I were this lucky.

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:00:01 +0000

If only I were this lucky.

Google Music Launching Alongside Android 3.0

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 19:41:07 +0000

Google Music Launching Alongside Android 3.0:

There’s still no guarantee any of the current crop of handsets will see these updates but, regardless, this is good news. Competition is good and, even when locked to the Android platform, there are not many solid offerings in this arena. Music in the cloud is one of the most interesting immediate uses of it for most consumers.

TV business kisses HDMI goodbye

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 17:48:45 +0000

TV business kisses HDMI goodbye:

Good bye, HDMI. Long live whatever new thing the device manufacturers think we should use (though, admittedly, this does seem better).

Android 2.2 (Froyo) has been open sourced

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 18:29:38 +0000

Android 2.2 (Froyo) has been open sourced :

And all the EVO users who hate sense but still want to use their cameras, their HDMI out, and their 4G connection rejoice.

Anyone want to start a pool on how long it takes to see an EVO Rom for this?

DROID X available on Verizon on July 15th

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 18:27:10 +0000

DROID X available on Verizon on July 15th:

Single 8MP Camera, HDMI Out, 4.3” screen, 1GHz Processor, Android OSP (Non HTC Sense), Android 2.2 (Froyo).

Should be a very nice phone for new and existing Verizon customers.

DCTA plans no night or weekend service

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 21:20:28 +0000

DCTA plans no night or weekend service:

Seems a bit absurd that a rail service paid for by Denton residents and customers would be designed not to benefit that very demographic.

"I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every..."

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:00:42 +0000

“I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.”

- I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.

An interesting look at the way we see time, the way we pace...

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 12:11:29 +0000

An interesting look at the way we see time, the way we pace ourselves, and how technology and modern life and affecting the overall view. (via Ryan Abrams)

Face Recognition -- It's going to be the future soon.

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 22:38:12 +0000

Face Recognition -- It's going to be the future soon.:

“We’re at the point where you could snap a person’s face with Google Goggles and find out their entire life story: their employment, their friends, what they looked like before they dyed their hair.”

Technology destroyed the village. And it’s now technology that will bring it back together… though not quite the same.

U.S. official: Flow of oil from spill has stopped

Fri, 28 May 2010 15:53:10 +0000

U.S. official: Flow of oil from spill has stopped:

Hoo-effin-ray! Another 48 hours before we know for sure… but I like the sound of this.

Ten Reasons to Watch Less Television

Wed, 26 May 2010 15:53:27 +0000

Ten Reasons to Watch Less Television:

“The average American watched an average of 5.1 hours of television per day in 2009. That’s time you could have spent exercising, eating a meal together, entertaining, enjoying nature, meditating, enjoying a hobby, reading a book, or fulfilling a dream.”

5.1 hours a day is unbelivable. So I poked around looking for other sources to confirm this. I found many. Here’s one from the LA Times.

This alone makes me want to throw out every Television in my house (okay, I only have one, but still) just to help bring down the average even more.

Lost Finale Explained, supposedly by one of the writers.

Wed, 26 May 2010 13:56:01 +0000

Lost Finale Explained, supposedly by one of the writers. :

Lots of good bits in here that cover Dharma, the MIB, Smokey, and the Flash Sideways.

“The reason Ben’s not in the church, and the reason no one is in the church but for Season 1 people is because they wrote the ending to the show after writing the pilot. And never changed it. The writers always said (and many didn’t believe them) that they knew their ending from the very first episode. I applaud them for that. It’s pretty fantastic.”

Kissing a kid's owies may aid long-term health

Wed, 26 May 2010 04:52:48 +0000

Kissing a kid's owies may aid long-term health

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."

Wed, 26 May 2010 00:28:47 +0000

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”

- Henry David Thoreau

(via becomingminimalist)

Tue, 25 May 2010 20:22:47 +0000

(via becomingminimalist)

tunnel dancing

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 10:25:01 +0000

@Flickr

76X/365: caution in a row

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 16:27:45 +0000

My Indian Paintbrush

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 12:53:46 +0000

Celeste and I took over 400 photographs in the giant fields of
Bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrushes. I have yet to even look at all of
them, but I couldn’t help but share this one.

75/365: a reminder

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 12:25:18 +0000

72/365: awaiting light

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 16:14:22 +0000

71X/365: the way we move

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 12:12:50 +0000

something new

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 10:34:26 +0000

68/365: new life

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 10:32:11 +0000

Awe

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 10:28:44 +0000

62X/365: standing tall

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 13:07:42 +0000