In our never-ending quest to give you, the reader, the best music available, we present the Revolver Bootleg series. Throughout each month, we’ll post cool, new tracks right here for you to hear before anyone else.

This installment is an exclusive stream of the song “Hard to See” by power-groove bruisers Five Finger Death Punch, off their forthcoming album, War is the Answer (Prospect Park), which doesn’t hit stores until this fall. So crank up your speakers, and read on to see what guitarist Zoltan Bathory has to say about the making of the song, what it means, and why it was chosen as the album's lead single.

REVOLVER What’s the song “Hard to See” about?
ZOLTAN BATHORY It's about seemingly irresolvable differences. It's valid in just about any setting: politics, religion, relationships… Everything is “only an opinion” based on limited information, yet people sometimes get attached to their point of views to the extreme…in fact, to the point they would launch wars over them.

Which part of it did you guys come up with first?
We always write complete songs before Ivan [Moody, vocals] gets them to write lyrics to. Almost like, a song has to be strong enough to stand on its own as an instrumental piece. In this case, too, we had the music completely done first.

Was this an easy song to write or record?
This one came together really fast. It was one of those “magical moments” when all the stars aligned. This came together within a day.

How did you decide where to place “Hard to See” on the album?
We actually don't have the final sequence yet, but I think the flow of the album is very important. We are looking at the vibe, the speed, the overall mood of every song when we are deciding the order. Listening to an album has to be a journey.

What sort of feedback have you gotten on this song so far?
It became our first single because everybody who heard it so far got really excited about this song.

Five Finger Death Punch, “Hard to See”

In our August issue we featured a brief interview with painter and illustrator Arik Roper—he of the High on Fire album covers, Pig Destroyer posters, and Lamb of God T-shirts—about his book, Mushroom Magick (Abrams). Here for your psychedelic pleasure is the rest of our chat.

REVOLVER How did you first become fascinated with mushrooms?
ARIK ROPER My mother used to collect and draw them. I was interested in how colorful and strange they were. They’re so interlaced with classic art and fantasy art that I'd end up drawing them before I was even aware of what they were.

How did the idea of doing a whole book about them come about?
I first met with a friend of a friend who's an editor at Abrams Books with the idea of working on some kind of a book. We started talking and she brought up the idea of doing a book about psychoactive mushrooms, not so much another field guide but an art book based on these mushrooms with some cultural and historic information in there. We weren't sure if the idea would get approved, but Abrams had recently published a book about pot culture so we thought there was chance they'd go for it. We developed the idea together, she proposed it, and they approved it. I was surprised how many people were into it; mushrooms seem to hold some fascination for a lot of people.

How many of the mushrooms in the book have you personally sampled or encountered?
There are close to 200 psilocybin containing mushrooms; in the book are about 90, plus some Amanitas. A lot of them are mega-obscure and you probably couldn't acquire them from your local dealer. A few are toxic. Some extremely rare ones that aren't even known to have any accounts of being consumed. Only a fraction are the ones that most of us actually ever see. The Liberty Caps, cubensis, Mexican, and Hawaiian ones are common to us for example . So I don't know, maybe 5 to 6 types of these I've tried; that's just a guess. Obviously this book isn't a field guide. You have to careful when you're harvesting mushrooms, otherwise you could end up sick or dead.

What’s been your worst ‘shroom trip/experience?
I've been pretty fortunate to not have had any experiences that were too bad. I've had some overwhelming times, but it usually passed and turned into something else. The times when it's been more difficult were usually because I didn't take enough.

Your best?
I was on an friend's private island off of Cape Cod with some friends; we had some mushrooms and walked around the island through all these incredible forests and micro environments, then went swimming in a lake while the sun was setting. Everything was a glowing golden color; I was floating in the water with birds circling over me. It was beyond idyllic. It was one of those legendary fantastic trips where everything comes alive and the world reveals itself to you. The setting is important and this was the best combination for such a thing, completely free of the psychic warfare you have to deal with in a city environment. That was perfect for a functional dose, but I've had some other times that were more visionary, where you just sit back and observe the visuals because that's all you can do.

Do you ever paint/create under the influence of ‘shrooms?
Yeah, mostly just free-form shapes and sketches. It's hard to get into detailed work during that state because my vision is too wavy, but what I have done tends to have a certain style to it. There's a hyper dimensionality to it, and the colors are intense. There's a common look to art created by different substances. I've learned some techniques from that particular state of mind; it's an organic textured thing that I draw which I attribute to the mushroom influence. I tried to capture some of the mushroom aesthetic in the art of the book, like the viewer is seeing these mushrooms while under the influence of them.

What do you hope that people get out of the book?
First of all, I hope people will appreciate it as an interesting art book, at the very least. It's for everyone—old people, kids, whoever likes timeless picture books. I don't want it to be exclusive to mushroom and drug enthusiasts. It's about a certain type of mushrooms, but it doesn't have to be limited to that.
I also wanted to present the mushrooms in a benevolent way and get away from the stigma of it being a “drug.” They're fungi and they’re just part of the world like the rest of us. Biologically, humans and fungi have a lot in common. There's no need to demonize them and think of them in the same way as addictive harsh drugs—the way the law depicts them. Second, in the text I stated that it's pretty damn strange that these things interact with our minds in such a way. Mainstream science has no idea how it actually happens that plants and fungi can open an animal's mind—they can barely even describe it because it's beyond their measurement. That says a lot, in my opinion, about the limits of our understanding of ourselves.

In our never-ending quest to give you, the reader, the best music available, we present the Revolver Bootleg series. Throughout each month, we’ll post cool, new tracks right here for you to hear before anyone else.

This installment is an exclusive stream of the song “A Selection Unnatural” by American death-metal stalwarts Black Dahlia Murder, off their forthcoming album, Deflorate (Metal Blade), which doesn’t hit stores until September 15. So crank up your speakers, and read on to see what vocalist Trevor Strnad has to say about the making of the song and why it may “baffle modern medicine for centuries to come.”

REVOLVER What’s the song about?
TREVOR STRNAD I was watching some crazy shit on birth defects on the health channel and I wanted to try to recreate the feelings of horror and repulsion that people react with when seeing these kinds of unfortunate images. “A Selection Unnatural” is meant to be a science-fiction shocker about the short life of a terribly deformed mutant of a child. From the moment he is born he is kept in labs and is regarded as a living medical marvel, poked and prodded by scientific minds wondering how such a being could come to be. How could such a thing occur in nature? Is he a human being like you and I? I was trying to find a balance between completely describing the creature and leaving a bit up to the imagination and let the listener decide exactly what it would look like. The person telling the story is meant to sound disgusted, a voice of sheer cruelty and indifference to the child’s life. He wonders what the boy’s purpose was on this earth, scoffing at his plight. The title is obviously a play on Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Which part of the song did you guys come up with first? And what was the inspiration?
This song was written mostly by our bass player Bart [Williams] with arrangement help and a few additional riffs by Brian [Eschbach], who was the sole writer of the band in the past. When Bart showed us the first riff of the song, we were blown away. I was surprised at how fast and violent it sounded. Very technical. I think Bart having Necrophagist’s [2004 album] Epitaph glued into his car stereo might have something to do with it. When he handed over the bulk of the song to Brian, it really took on a new life. Brian has a knack for writing awesome transitions and arranging the verses and parts in an appealing way; this one is short and snappy but still gets hooked in your head. The Slayerish riff and the chorus riff are both Brian’s; I was actually present when he was writing the quick slam parts during the chorus—pretty tough! All in all I think it’s a ripping track and I like how the song dives right for the throat from the get-go and only let’s up for a second on the breaks.

Was this an easy song to write or record? Why or why not?
I can’t speak for the guys, but I imagine that this was one of the more difficult songs on the strings. There’s a good bit of technical playing here. The lyrics to the song came out pretty quickly once I figured out how to begin. The quick jump into the first verse took some getting used to, took a little practice, as it was something that new for me. I remember recording vocals on the demo at Brian’s house and him seeming pretty pleased with the outcome. This was one of the first songs I completed vocals for in the studio; it went pretty smoothly as it was one of the older songs that we demoed for the album. I had a lot of time to listen back and practice along with the rough tracks, so I was more than ready when the time arose.

How did you decide where to place the song on the album?
Picking the order of songs is a serious business when you are in the BDM. We thought instead of the third track being the slower/weird song—this is a pretty typical move: two raging tracks in a row and then slow it down on the third track—we’d pick up the pace even more. It’s such a fist-pumping song that we knew from it’s inception that it was going to be near the front of the album, part of the frontline assault! The Bart man should be proud of his contributions to the songwriting of this album. Fucking brutal stuff.

What sort of feedback have you gotten on this song so far?
“Wow, that sounds fast!” is what we've heard. [Producer] Jason Suecof took a liking to the line “baffle modern medicine for centuries to come!” and sang it back to me about 20-thousand times while we were working in the studio. Kind of a cheesy line, I'll admit, but apparently catchy.

The Black Dahlia Murder, “A Selection Unnatural”

Photo by Nathaniel Shannon

Building up to the July 21st release of Revolver's Suicide Silence issue—which will come in two, highly collectible editions with alternate covers featuring frontman Mitch Lucker (see below)—here's the second in RevolverMag.com's exclusive bi-weekly series of new Suicide Silence webisodes. In this one, the band get their body art photographed and between shots, share sharting stories.

For metalheads, summer means one thing above all—festival season. It’s time to load up the car, toss on a sleeveless T-shirt, and drive to the nearest amphitheatre to spend an entire day watching one band after another take the stage and rock your taint off with stops for stand-shopping, petition-signing, and beer-drinking throughout.

And yet, no matter how fun it is to be out amongst your metal brethren for an entire afternoon, it’s also unspeakably tiring and incredibly bizarre. After 12 hours of drinking, most people get strange and emotional—metalheads, however, can get irritable and volatile. So to keep some festival-goers from losing their cool or getting their Cradle of Filth thong panties in a bunch, here’s my Final Six list of the Six Summer Festival Do’s and Don’ts. Approach me at this summer’s Rockstar Mayhem Festival with a printed copy of this entry, and I’ll buy you a beer.

The Six Summer Festival Do’s:

1) Hydrate hydrate hydrate Between heat, movement, and alcohol consumption, the average body loses a ton of water, and fainting in the middle of a busy crowd is never helpful. Drink tons of water, all the time.
2) Get a running order Try to download and print a band schedule online; if not, ask around and map one out. Nothing’s worse than sitting through a mediocre metalcore set to find out you missed the impromptu Misfits reunion a hundred yards away.
3) Wear comfy shoes My first year at Wacken Open Air, I nearly missed Cannibal Corpse because my feet hurt so much. Get insoles, padded socks, the works.
4) Bring sunblock Fuck the forecast—better safe than sorry. Maybe it’s just because I’m Irish, but I cook like a steak at every festival I attend. Trust me—peeling skin ain’t hot.
5) Share your pot Now, don’t get me wrong, mooches await at every corner, but if you meet someone nice and they’re out of weed, give ’em a hit or two of yours. Sharing is caring, and it’s always better to be high with company.
6) Remember where you parked We’re…I think we’re in Section A…No, wait, this is way too close to the entrance…Damn it, why does everyone own a black Accord?

The Six Summer Festival Don’ts:

1) Get drunk immediately Jäger shots and Slayer go hand in hand, but it’s noon. Slayer go on at 10. Pace yourself. Otherwise, we get to smell your vomit cooking in the hot sun all afternoon.
2) Fall asleep in public If you’re that tired or drunk, go back to the car. If you fall asleep on a bench or in a ditch, you’re gonna pay for it—Sharpie, garbage, urine, you name it, it’ll be on you when you wake up.
3) Wear anything nice As good as your new corset or collar might look, it’ll probably end up covered in sweat, ketchup, blood, mud, beer, and ash by the time the day is through. A T-shirt and jeans should be enough.
4) Buy the first stuff you see Wow, isn’t this Behemoth shirt cool? God, I’m so glad I…Wait, that stand has this shirt, too! And for 12 bucks less?! Gee, guess I’m a complete and utter fucking moron, huh?
5) Hold it Look, I know the bathrooms look like the kind of place where G.G. Allin and Courtney Love would have sex, but your options at this point are that you’re either gonna be super-uncomfortable all day or you’re gonna crap your pants in public. (I’ve seen both happen.) Swallow your pride (and gorge) and just drop that deuce.
6) Whine Aw, you’re thirsty? Sunburned? Shitfaced by 2:30? Well, guess who has two thumbs and no sympathy whatsoever for your bitch ass? THIS GUY! SO PUT A SOCK IT, CLARENCE!

By Chris Krovatin

Finnish black-metal legends Beherit have just put out their first new album in 14 years (since their two, excellent ambient-electronic releases in ’94 and ’95) and their first new metal album in 16. The record, Engram (Spinefarm), recalls the raw crunch of their now-classic demos comp, 1991’s The Oath of Black Blood, as well as the avant-garde melodies of 1993’s Drawing Down the Moon. We contacted frontman Nuclear Holocausto Vengeance to find out how the last decade and a half fueled his decision to reunite with drummer Sodomatic Slaughter, draft two new members, and create such a terrifying-sounding album.
 

Nuclear Holocausto Vengeance in Brisbane, Australia, February 2009
 

REVOLVER Why have you re-formed Beherit after all these years?
NUCLEAR HOLOCAUSTO VENGEANCE I didn’t have any particular reason or master plan for this so-called comeback. After years of working alone in my home studio, it was inspiring to play again with real musicians.
 

Why, after Electric Doom Synthesis, did you wish to return to a more traditional black-metal sound on Engram?
It’s a real band recording. I’m able to produce electronic music myself on a computer, but I’m not good in playing drums. On Engram, we focused the time and spirit of “The Lord Diabolus,” which was the last studio session I had with Sodomatic, our original drummer. After such a long silence, we thought it’s better to keep things simple.
 

Engram’s final song, “Demon Advance,” is very different from the others. Why is that?
Yes, it has slower tempo and runs longer than a typical Beherit song. It was composed from never-ending loops during weeks of insomnia. It was the first demo recording [for the album] and it made me think about a possible comeback. At some early point, I was thinking of a concept album based on that style, but I chose to skip the idea for later use. In our rehearsal room, it was more natural to play faster stuff.
 

How does a typical Beherit song come together?
I have couple of riffs on the guitar and some words to create the atmosphere. I usually record the first demo version myself, with written tablatures and give the other members a short explanation of the original idea before we go to rehearse song together. Later there come more variation in rhythms and necessary changes for the final composition.
 

How did you spend your time during your absence from Beherit?
I have been busy with various internet projects, working as a webmaster for hotel and restaurant. I have a small recording studio for electronic music. I also had an ambient-music radio show for six years, specializing in drones and dark ambient. I have traveled quite a lot, mostly in Southeast Asia.
 

From left: Sodomatic Slaughter and Nuclear Holocausto Vengeance, in 1991
 

After our recent all-star Mayhem Fest cover shoot, we found a few seconds to chat with a few of our cover boys, including All That Remains' Phil Labonte, Job for a Cowboy's Jonny Davy, and Trivium's Matt Heafy. Watch the clips below, and make sure and pick up a copy of the issue, on newsstands now. We'll see y'all out on Mayhem Fest this summer.
 

While big-media news outlets continue to parse Michael Jackson’s successes and scandals, we here at Revolver want to commemorate why we loved the Gloved One through the years: Dude was metal. Sure, Jackson could be pretty off-putting to headbangers—he helped popularize disco music, wore Mickey Mouse T-shirts, and fed starving kids—but let’s look past all that. Here’s Revolver’s 10-horn salute…

10. His first solo No. 1 was about a murderous, telepathic rat

Jackson’s first hit, “Ben,” was the theme song for the 1972 movie of the same name, the sequel to the horror movie Willard. In the movie, a boy befriends one of the evil rats (Ben) trained by the titular character in the original; the rat then starts controlling the boy and Ben’s rat buddies get violent. “Ben, most people would turn you away… They don’t see you as I do.” ’Nuff said.



9. Jackson hung out with Ronald Reagan

It may have been only once, but just palling around with the dude who carried out such malfeasance as quadrupling the United States’ national debt, trading weapons with Iran, and helping launch a war on drugs sounds like the basis of an S.O.D. song.



8. He caught on fire

In 1984, Jackson filmed a Pepsi commercial. At one point, he got too close to the pyrotechnics and ended up suffering second-degree burns to his scalp…in front of a stand-in audience. Only Metallica’s James Hetfield, who himself was burned in a pyro mishap onstage, could relate.



7. Jackson smashed stuff

At the end of Jackson’s “Black or White” video (viewable here), he transforms into a black panther then back into himself, after which he smashes car windows and blows up a building. When this sequence was met with controversy and protests, MJ explained that that’s what a panther would do. MTV removed the part of the clip, and since his death, has restored it to include racist epithets on the windows Jackson smashes. (Aside: It was in the promotion for this video that Jackson decided he should be called the "King of Pop" and made everyone call him that—that's metal!) With no blood spilt, we challenge any metal band to replicate the video’s menace on a worldwide scale.



6. He dangled a baby over a balcony

In 2002, Jackson held his 9-month-old son over his hotel balcony in Berlin, Germany, holding a towel over the child’s head. Hell, we can’t defend that one, but check out the video.

5. He hired guitarists Eddie Van Halen, Steve Stevens, and Slash

Jackson’s metal pedigree included his music. “Beat It” is inarguably one of the biggest metal songs of the ’80s (maybe not in the vocals, but definitely in the guitar riff), and it featured a guest solo by Eddie Van Halen. Jackson would go on to record two other metal-tinged hits, including one with Billy Idol and Vince Neil guitarist Steve Stevens (“Dirty Diana,” which went to No. 1) and one with Slash (the highly underrated “Give Into Me,” below). Plus, Jackson was kind enough to share his wind machine in videos with the latter two.

4. Jackson owned a fucking monkey

Remember when the oddest thing about Michael was when he bought a monkey named Bubbles? Then he taught it to moonwalk? Well, it turns out the monkey was even more awesome, as it reportedly threw feces at children, too, not unlike G.G. Allin. Even more metal: Bubbles has officially outlived his master. You can fund the primate’s care here.



3. Jackson had three pod babies

According to recent reports, Jackson supposedly is not the father of his three children, named Michael Joseph Jr. (age 12), Paris Michael Katherine (11), and Prince “Blanket” Michael II (7). They were “conceived in vitro—outside the womb,” if you believe TMZ. Not even the Elephant Man’s skeleton, which Jackson once attempted to buy (according to legend), is as metal an image as that.



2. He became Skeletor

Surgery, schmurgery—Skeletor kicks ass.

1. The “Thriller” video

Jackson asked John Landis to direct the short film, a 14-minute whopper that redefined the art of music videos, after he saw the indisputably metal An American Werewolf in London. Plus, it's got Jackson as a wolfman, a zombie, and, perhaps most frightening, a boyfriend.

Horns up!

Rocking out, pissing off the industry, fighting the undead—it’s all in a day’s work for CKY. The members of the Pennsylvania muscle-rock band have just become characters in their own one-shot comic book from Devil's Due Publishing, set to be released this August. Written by Dave Mowery and illustrated by Josh Emerick, the comic features the quartet blowing away wave after wave of zombies and giving a hefty finger to corporate scumbags. So how does one transform four guys from West Chester into unholy killing machines? Artist Joshua Emerick and CKY singer-guitarist Deron Miller filled Revolver in on how to reign in ink…after this five page sample.

REVOLVER Josh, what’s your artistic background? What comics did you like growing up? How'd you get into drawing comic books?
JOSH EMERICK I was self-taught from day one. I grew up with Batman, X-Men, Punisher, Spiderman, Werewolf By Night, and Tomb Of Dracula. I got into drawing the books by admiring great artists like Jim Lee, Todd McFarlane, Mark Texeira, and so on.

How was the concept of the comic presented to you? How'd the comic come about?
EMERICK I did a freelance interview with Deron Miller back in ‘06 We talked about a lot of things, and one of them was comics. I said that I would do a book for them. The rest is CKY history. I got a good friend of mine to write it, sent the guys the script, they liked it, and 48 pages later it was completed.

How much contact did you have with the CKY guys? Are you a CKY fan? If so, what songs/albums are your favorites?
EMERICK I had a lot of contact with the guys in the beginning. I kept a close working relationship with Deron. I am a huge fan. They are one of my favorite bands. Their first two albums hold a very strong place with me in my life. Their music is so awesome. They have such a gift at making you feel great and carefree while listening to the music. They have a sound like no other band out there. Thank God for them.

REVOLVER So Deron, how does it feel to be comic book characters? Are you comic readers?
DERON MILLER I read some horror comics sometimes, but I’m not an aficionado…I don’t think anyone in the band is. So what, though, this shit is cool!

When the concept of the comic book was told to you, what was your initial response?
MILLER My first feeling was like, ‘Wow, this is something that Kiss did!’ It’s very rare that a band be interesting enough to have a comic book made of them. Like Paul Stanley said, you’ll never see Marvel Comics Presents The Eagles. An updated version of that might be Marvel Comics Presents Shinedown!

Was there anything that had to be/not be featured in the comic? How closely, if at all, is the comic tied to Carver City?
MILLER It’s not about Carver City at all. That’s an idea for the next comic. This one focuses on our attitude toward the music industry.

Josh, how long did drawing the comic take? Was there a particular member of the band you like drawing the most?
EMERICK The book itself took almost a year. I had another kid while it was being done. It took a lot of time with a lot of disappointment as well. Thank God for my Golden Lobster team and Devil's Due picking this book up. I had a lot of fun drawing Chad—it was always loose and free drawing that man. Hope he likes it. Deron was a lot of fun too, but only because of my secret crush on him.

Uh, OK. So Deron, did you ever have to model for Josh? Who in the band has the most superhero-like physique?
MILLER He asked me to come over and strip down for him, but it got awkward when I realized it had nothing to do with the comic.

Who in the band has the most superhero-like physique?
MILLER I guess I would have the closest physique to a superhero if I was Slightly Out Of Shape Man.

Is it hard to turn a band into a comic book? How closely did you work with the writers, if at all?
EMERICK Not hard at all, as long as you’re a big fan. I can't imagine me doing a Fall Out Boy comic. I love these guys. It was easy. As far as the writers, Dave Mowery and I worked together on underground comics in the early ‘90's. This was an easy job together as well as a reunion. We talked a lot about the book while it was going on.

Josh, is drawing zombies as fun as it seems?
EMERICK Hell yeah. I loved drawing the zombies. My wife and I are huge Romero fans. This gave me a chance to do some justice to that line.

Who, in your estimation, is the most metal comic book character of all
time? What other band should have a comic made of them?
EMERICK Wolverine, the Punisher, Gene Simmons, any Frank Frazetta character. The Beatles and Elvis. Oh, also Social D.

Deron, if you could each have a super-power, what would it be?
MILLER I’d fly and shoot lasers out of my hands. The lasers would sound exactly like they do in the movie V.

If you could do a comic book team-up with another band, who would you want it to be?
MILLER The All-American Rejects. It could be a “comic leaflet”…they’d be a flaming pile of flesh at the bottom of Page 2.

Interview by Chris Krovatin

Pre-fest:
I am here in wonderful Baltimore, Maryland, preparing for a weekend of debauchery and blood that is known as the Maryland Deathfest. I'm helping David Hall, who has a production company called Handshake Inc. (handshakeinc.com) that has made videos for Fuck the Facts, Today is the Day, Jucifer, and Sigh. He is going to be here this weekend to work on a project called Maryland Deathfest: The Movie. It will capture the awesomeness of the weekend that features a cross section of all that is great in metal at the moment.

Where do I start...? Bolt Thrower, Asphyx, Mayhem, Napalm Death, Pestilence, Misery Index, Rotten Sound, Trap Them, Hail of Bullets, and a bunch of other serious motherfuckers shitting themselves for the sake of all that is brutal. I will be hosting features and interviews, but mostly I'll be drinking and crushing skulls. I am so excited for this. You should be, too, and if you aren't, you're a bullshit puncher who doesn't know goddamn about fuck'll.

Anyway, I arrived in Baltimore a day ahead of the rest of the crew and have been trying to find ways to entertain myself. Last night I was craving some potato chips, maybe Funions, so I decided to explore Baltimore at night on foot. I ended up on one of the sketchiest streets I have ever been on, but came out with chips in hand triumphantly. Still, a bad idea. Today I ventured into the heart of touristy Baltimore, some annoying shit called The Harbor...where believe it or not there is a harbor! This bat-shit crazy lady convinced me to get a pedicure (a foot massage without, unfortunately, a happy ending) for the first time ever. I didn't warn them that I don't wear socks and my shoes smell like Al Pacino's breath after a Mexican hotdog.

Pretty sure I caught her gag and throw up in her mouth a few times, but she swallowed it because in Vietnam, vurps are a delicacy. "Too buku!" she said, so I slapped her with my left and told her to start grinding at my toenails. She cried, but she knew I did it because I love her and kept working at my feet. I'll miss you Ming, you beautiful bitch.

So now it's time for a pre-party featuring Ghoul, Pulling Teeth, Lethal Agression, and others. More shit happened, some totally fucked-up shit involving decapitated goat heads and swine after-births, but I don't feel like recounting all that. The things I have seen here so far cannot be unseen. If Deathfest can continue the depravity, we should all have a good fucking time.

P.S. My band is trying to think of a name for the tour we're setting up in August. My suggestions have been: Get Fresh 69 Blast Bonanza, Balls Deep Tour, Dylan May Get Raped Tour, Tour de France en Estados Unidos, Party Party Party Bushy Balls Tour, or the I'm Lost, Call Ho Jack Tour... They were all turned down!?

Post-fest:
Ever since Maryland Deathfest I’ve been on a psychedelic journey through time, space, and gas stations. Seeing Bolt Thrower twice was too much for my measly woman brain to handle; afterwards I felt the need to bake cupcakes and feed them to diabetic children.

The metal gods reached into their godly bags of brutality and handed me the chance to be a part of a documentary entitled MDF: The Movie (Maryland Deathfest, you idiot, I know you looked back to find what the acronym was for. FUCK). A Canadian production company called Handshake Inc. asked me to “host” the thing. Until I got out there I had no idea what that meant and I'm still not really sure. Apparently, it means drunkenly wandering around and making awkward dudes who happen to be in insanely good bands answer questions like, "What do you think of Maryland Deathfest... so far?" and "Want to be BFFs for life?" and "Hey! Do you know how good you are? Because OMFG you're sooooo great!" I was told I'm a natural.

Canadians from The Canada or somewhere brought satchels of weed and pills and other things for happy-making. Four long days of a binge unlike any other... It’s been weeks and I’m still recovering. I found a broken needle between my toes yesterday. Or, I should say, my pedicurist did. Got to keep them feet looking fucking fine. Speaking of that, my feet were bleeding by the last day so I resorted to crowd-surfing during Bolt Thrower in flip-flops, which was bad idea. Came home barefoot bloody and thoroughly fondled. Joke's on them because I loved it.

Let's get real for a second. I was able to interview Brutal Truth, Rotten Sound, Sigh, Trap Them, Misery Index, Pig Destroyer, and any band I could get my greedy little hands on. Let's just say next year I have no idea how they are going to top themselves... Maybe Landmine Marathon will be able to play. We will devour Baltimore with all our giant mouths that devour cities sometimes but mostly burritos—and vegan burritos at that. Vegans don't eat any animal products so swallowing Baltimore might create some ethical conflicts, most of which can be solved by the realization that the citizens of that city and all its inhabitants, human and otherwise, are sub-animal, suitable for any vegan. Eating Baltimorians or whatever the fuck is a favor to all mankind, and any less should be considered non-vegan. Stop farting in my van!

xo
Grace