I get it. I really do.

Whether it is the first time your daughter gets on the school bus or your son’s first foray out into the playground by himself, there is something that stirs deep in our souls that makes us want to roll their hearts in bubble wrap, douse their spirits with anti-bacterial gel and give them a guard dog lest anyone gets too close.

Seriously, have you seen some playgrounds lately? Sure there may be soft recycled ground cover and cool new climby rope structures, but from two feet off the ground it must look like they are about to enter some ultimate fighting cage match.

And why do we watch the news, read the paper or click on any links? At every turn we see stories about children being violent, online bullying pushing kids to suicide and crap, even the soccer field is no longer safe?

What the hell is going on?

Yeah, all of a sudden the whole bubble wrap thing doesn’t seem so crazy, does it?

I remember those repeated moments during each of my daughter’s first weeks in our lives – as they slept soundly on my chest, our breathing in sync and their sweaty little heads dampening my shirt –  when I would promise to protect them from harm, to love them no matter what and to do my best to see that they grew into who God intended them to become.

But how do I really protect them knowing that shitty things happen in the world and that violence perpetrated by, upon and around children knows no bounds. Different populations are impacted differently by emotional, physical or sexual violence than others, but children from all walks of life experience and are influenced by the horrors, tragedies and violence of the world.

I guess we could escape the world by sending our kids to some secluded mountain commune, buying our own Disney island or moving to Pleasantville, but short of such dramatic gestures, what is a parent to do?

What I know I can’t do is to let the violence, brokenness and evil in the world drive how I parent my children. For if I give violence and fear that kind of power, I limit their ability grab ahold of possibilities that I believe God places before them, I fail to trust the communities that have committed to also raise and nurture them and I deprive them of the overwhelming love, beauty and goodness that so often lives side by side with that which we do not want them to see.

Now some of you are thinking to yourself, “Well that’s all fine and dandy Mr. Pollyanna Sunshine, but what about keeping my children safe?” Well, I will overlook the “sunshine” comment, but here are some ways for us to think about safety in different ways that I think will can lessen our anxiety about trusting our children to the world.

Safety is not only physical – I firmly believe that most of the physical violence that our children see in their school and other areas is deeply tied to the kinds of emotional abuse that happens in the world today. Violence is so often the symptom – and certainly must be addressed – but we cannot become so focused on particular actions that we become distracted from addressing systemic and social patterns of emotional violence. Every time we refer to “those kids” or model bullying behavior or deny the humanity of another, we are feeding a culture of violence. And at the same, when we embrace a community larger than ourselves, model graciousness in the face of conflict and see the humanity of every being, we do our part in building a culture of non-violence — in body, mind and spirit.

Safety is not an individual endeavor – As I have had conversations with parents from my daughters’ school where we have had our share of violent incidents, there is a common tension held by many parents between the safety of our own children and the presence of the kids who are being physically violent. This is a crucial tension to acknowledge if only to make sure that we  do not pretend that we are seeking the betterment of the whole, when what we really want is to guarantee the safety of our own children. This is a natural yearning, but what we fail to realize is that in securing the safety of our own children and not really acting with the whole community in mind, we too often compromise the educational and social experience of the kids who might need it the most in order to make the community safer as a whole.

Safety cannot be guaranteed – We can teach our children  how to make good choices in the face of conflict, we can give them the ability to know when to walk away from an interaction and we can create clear channels of communication, but at the end of the day, no one can guarantee our childrens’ safety. We can make settings safer, sure, but if you are expecting any school, municipality or community to promise that no harm will ever come to any child, yours or someone else’s, this is simply not possible.

These questions and tensions are nothing new. Generation after generation of parents have had to learn this lesson, that our job is not to control our kids and shield them from pain and struggle, but to offer them the guidance, the support and love so they can make good choices in life, navigate a world of complexities and discover who God is yearning them to be and become. Each parent will do these things differently, each child will respond in her own way and hopefully, the larger community will be made better by all of our good choices.

In the end, parenting is a journey of guiding, trusting and letting go with the only choice that we really have to make is to what extent we will embrace the challenge.

That said, I will still keep my roll of bubble wrap, just in case

Peace to you my parenting friends – Bruce

PS: If you want further counsel from some good folks, I posed question, “How do we keep our children safe?” on my Facebook Page. [See comments]

This month I am beginning a regular series of posts over at The Working Preacher, a project of Luther Seminary focused on preaching. I have offered posts there in the past, but, now that I am not longer regularly in a pulpit each week and have a little more time to step back and think about those years anguish and joy; I am going to try and reflect a bit more on the craft of preaching.

This is not going to be a “Six ways to be a better preacher” kind of place, but one where we can playfully and thoughtfully wrestle with the realities of the process and practice of proclaiming The Word of God.

So here is where I need YOUR help.

*cue holy sounding background music*

As you feel called, I would love for you to simply ask a question or two about any aspect of the craft of preaching and each column I respond to 2-4 of the best questions.  Think of this as a “Dear Abby . . .” for preaching, only ours will be a “Dear BRC . . .” and will have nothing to do with social etiquette or what gift to bring to an ex-wife’s wedding.

So if you have a situation and questions to offer, please feel free to fill out the form below. I will not be included actual names, only your location, so please be as free as you want . . . within reason

This year, it’s a #BRCis44 twitter party . . .

So . . . if you are on Twitter – within reason – I will RT your tweet on Friday, May 3rd*. So find those twitter handles and get ready to send me as many great organizations as you want and help me enter the next year as I love to do — with a bunch of very cool people who are trying to do good work in the world.

*If you want to send them before Friday, that’s cool, I just won’t actually RT until the 3rd.

Today is Good Friday, the day when my Christian tradition remembers the death of Jesus Christ in the cross. While it may seem odd to some, death has been an integral part of my life personally and professionally. I have had the privilege if being bedside with families and friends as loved ones have taken their final earthly breaths. I have also been part of communities who have seen the death of institutions, relationships and movements. Some of these transitions have been incredibly heart-breaking, while others have brought about a profound sense of relief. No death is easy or without grief, but all are part of life. I do not claim to understand them all or that appreciated them while sitting in the midst of the good-byes, but I do know that each death that I have had a connection to, has transformed my life and for that I am grateful

Today I give thanks for death.

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Today is Maundy Thursday, the day when we remember the last supper between Jesus Christ and his disciples in the Upper room. This is the most moving services for me each year because I am called again to re-examine the profound ramifications upon my life if I choose to believe in the importance of Jesus also washing Judas’* feet. In today’s world, to see your enemy – in body, mind or spirit – as worthy of being served and treated with graciousness is, for many, a non-starter. Some see this as weak, selling out or encouraging abuse, while other see this as a power response of love and redemption that transcends all other things. This approach to life is not easy or void of tension, but, nevertheless, to see your enemy as a human being is a powerful aspect of my faith and one that I struggle with every day.

Today I, while I am not sure that I can give thanks for my enemies, I do know that they to are children of God and with that knowledge, I have been changed.

* I realize that drawing a parallel between Judas and the New York Yankees may be a stretch, but with opening day just around the corner, it’s time to start warming up my “I hate the Yankees” engine.

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I was 18-years-old when I first attended a national Presbyterian Church (USA) church event. I flew to Chicago to attend the National Asian Presbyterian Council (NAPC) annual meeting and from then on, my life was never the same. Friend, mentors and colleagues have come into my life via NAPC and my understanding of the church has been continually shaped and formed by those relationships. Just looking at this picture from a National Asian Presbyterian Youth Council Gathering and memories of laughter, growth and faith come flooding back. Great times.

Today I give thanks for my friends and colleagues from NAPC.

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I am always grateful for the generations before me that persevered in order that I might have access to things that were once out of my reach. From anti-miscegenation laws to laws about property ownership, I know that my life has been shaped by the struggles of so many before me. The picture above is of my grandfather at Trinity Presbyterian Church in Stockton, CA, a place where generation after generation have lived the deep connection between faith and justice. For the many known and unknown who fought for a better tomorrow, I give thanks.

Today I give thanks for the pioneers of justice.

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As much as the whole Easter prep thing rankles me, I am also deeply appreciative of church leadership for whom this week is emotionally and physically draining. As our church leaders attempt to help us understand, embrace and live Christ’s movement towards the cross, his death and the resurrection of the body, they are also supposed to lead special music, coordinate children’s programs, prepare worship extravaganzas and write sermons. Often Holy Week can be a time of the year when the “call” feels the most like a “job,” so for pastors, musicians, educators, staff and all who have for generations and will for generations to come lead church communities through the ebbs and flows of Holy Week, I give thanks.

Today I give thanks for church leadership.

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My oldest daughter and I have a ritual on most Saturday mornings. We get up early, we head to our favorite famers’ market and, after filling our bags with fresh produce and interesting discoveries, we eat THE best pizza ever. As one who travels often, I have come to deeply appreciate the rituals that I have with each of my girls. This past weekend, as Eldest and I basked in the glory that was our prosciutto and egg pizza, I was again reminded of the rituals that have developed over time with my own family members, friends and communities. This Lent has allowed me to remember and give thanks for the rituals and the people connected to them in my life.

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Dear Me,

Pardon the profanity, but it’s time that you got your shit together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah . . . as the father of three girls, raised by a kick-ass mother and always surrounded by powerful women, you have always fancied yourself a fairly liberated male and one of the “good” guys.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Men have been raising daughters and strong women and have been raising boys since time began. That does not give you a pass. Seeing the world through their eyes may have taught you much, but if you have been watching the news and have been paying attention to your own internal reactions to conversations about rape, gender and maleness, you know that you and many men and women today still have work to do.

Again it’s time. [see opening sentence]

So here is what I have done for you. I have put together a list of things to remember when it comes being male today. I wish there  was a “Be a good man!” app or that there was this magic list that, when followed, would make you the perfect dude, but alas you’ll have to muddle through just like the rest of us. Deal with it.

So in no particular order, here are a few challenges for you — Bruce.

1. Be present to hear stories of oppression, violence and pain without trying to fix, defend or justify these acts in the world. In other words, when someone gives you the privilege of sharing a story of pain with you, shut your pie hole and just listen.
2. When you hear people trying to lift up or strengthen women and girls in the world, stop thinking that it means you are somehow being bashed or are seen as less masculine. It’s not about you; unless of course it is about you, then see #1.
3. Use your power and influence to change institutional systems of exclusion. You may want to “stay out of it” but what you may be doing is being complicit to ongoing injustice and protecting your own power and station. This does not mean that you should take over everything, but it does mean apathy is not an option.
4. Stop using language that equates weakness with womanhood. You don’t do it often, but even thinking things like, “Don’t be a pussy!” or “You run like a girl.” or “Come on, hit the ball Nancy.” Not cool. Not. Cool.
5. Um . . . sexuality is not a commodity to be taken, earned or trivialized, but is something that is powerful, mutual and holy. Yeah, I see inside your head and heart sometimes. You and Jimmy Carter, just cut it out.
6. Support women who are modeling powerful ways of being female in the world. Girls everywhere, yours included, are watching, so show up and support women who are doing amazing things in the world.
7. For the love of God, please call “bullshit” on other men when they perpetuating the myth that women are somehow “less than.” If it helps to lean on the ol’ “your mother, your daughter, your sister” thing to help you see how degrading some of this language is, feel free, but don’t let misogynistic language go unchallenged.
8. Stop thinking that anyone who has been raped or is a victim of sexual violence in any way deserved, asked for it or brought it upon herself. Nothing justifies rape of and violence upon another. Nothing.
9. Stay engaged in conversations about gender. If you want to help things get better, you must continually do the hard work of examining what it means to be male in the world today; and more importantly what it does not.
10. Be a good man in the world.
11. Don’t give up trying to figure out what it means to accomplish #10.

Make no mistake: doing your part in helping the world and culture to fight sexism and violence will not be easy. There are no clear steps to becoming a good man and like so many struggles in the world, you will probably not see “victory” in your lifetime. That said, you can help things to make better while you walk the earth and you support the creation of positive space for generations to come. No pressure.

At the end of the day, you should not choose to walk down this road because you feel guilty or shamed, but because you know and believe that when you take even a small step in a direction that makes it possible that another human being might experience a better world, it matters — to everyone.

Thanks for listening. You may now return to your fantasy baseball draft preparation work.

Love – Me

TRIGGER WARNING: The following may serve as a trigger for victims of sexual violence.

This post originally started out as an “Open letter to men . . .” so in preparation, I asked my facebook/twitter community for some good links to share and they did not disappoint. I include some of these, not because I agree in totality with everything said, but because I think these folks help keep the conversation going.

• Good post about rape culture in Rape Culture 101. Challenging.
• The Belle Jar pushes on the often used argument about why we should care in, I Am Not Your Wife, Sister or Daughter. I Am A Person.
• Lauren Nelson has some greats posts on her blog, most notably, So you’re tired of hearing about rape culture and she shares a powerful story in Confronting Rape Culture in our Own Back Yard.
• Carl Gibson talks about some of the ways in which the media has been part of the problem in, Patriarchy Dominates Media’s Steubenville Coverage.
• Kim Simon shares her story about raising a boys who are “kind” in, What All Mothers Must Do for Their Sons.
• Abby Norman, a 9th grade teacher, talks about a powerful day in her classroom in, The day I taught how not to rape.
• Magda Pecsenye writes a straight to the point open letter to her sons about stopping rape.
• Micheal Kaufman dissects masculinity in The Astoundingly Simple Truth About Masculinity and Goodness
• Ann Voskamp shares some touching thoughts in 25 Things Our Sons need to know about Manhood
• And I think I am going to pick up this book, The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and and How All Men Can Help by Jackon Katz.

Free to browse and add more links on the original Facebook Page Update as there were many great links that I didn’t include.  Please take the time to read back through the comments as there are some gems. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to share.

Finally, while I am way past my go out and drink all night days, I know that others that do hit the bar/drinking scene pretty hard – thank you facebook – so here is a video from New Zealand that pushes and challenges. Eight minutes long, but worth the watch. Intriguing.

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