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Running Training: Day Three

Well that was the third run of the programme, week one is officially over, and it was a tough one, I can't tell you how tough. Of course the night before was pizza and red wine, again not the best before a run, and add into that the fact that we got up at eight in the morning after an interrupted night of sleep with bad dreams for my wife and a late night reading for me.

You can see we weren't doing ourselves any favours. We took the same route as the last run as it's just outside our front door, hence why I'm not embedding the route here. Oh, and the good news is I've found a service to stick with online, it's superb.

Although we did the same route as last time the stats were slightly different, let's have a look.

Second Run (First around our short house route)
Distance: 3.01 km
TotalTime: 00:24:02
AvarageSpeed: 7.50 km/h
CaloriesBurnt: 324 cal
Best(500 m): 9.43 km/h
Max Speed: 17.60 km/h
Max Pace: 03:24 min/km
Average Pace: 08:00 min/km

Third Run (Second around our short house route)
Distance: 2.95 km
TotalTime: 00:25:30
AvarageSpeed: 6.94 km/h
CaloriesBurnt: 318 cal
Best(500 m): 8.53 km/h
Max Speed: 12.06 km/h
Max Pace: 04:58 min/km
Average Pace: 08:38 min/km

Of course the GPS in the phone is far from perfectly accurate, and even had us stopping well before we actually did on our cool down walk, but that's the phone.

So you can see today's run was a little shorter (don't believe that since it was the same route) but took longer and burned less with a slower speed, the wine and pizza I imagine. Plsy there's something serious to note, this was a first thing run whereas the previous was an evening.

I think, so far, this has been the toughest run. I'm not feeling particularly good about it and I could really do with a lie down now, although breakfast has helped.

Next week we begin on the next stage of our running. I'll see what Dave has in store for us come Monday or Tuesday, since we're at a wedding on Sunday.

Oh, and I tracked this using SportyPal. Again I won't be showing you the route since it's from my home, but after my last run with the program I contacted the makers and gave them a list of suggestions. Since then they've implemented three which they had already been working on, and now I can embed my routes, share them across social media networks, and export the GPX file.

I've fired off some more suggestions and I think I'm sticking with these guys. There are some more features to try out, but it's looking really good. The only real issue just now is the fact that the software isn't recording my altitude, I'm sure that will be fixed in time.

Running Training: Day Two

Well I had my second run the other evening, that's Tuesday the 30th of June, and it was a lot easier. We actually ran from our house and discovered a short loop that comes right back to the front door which matches the first week's training run almost perfectly.

We'll see how it does for the second week, but we have plenty little side tracks to add onto it to make it a little longer, one's even off road and over a big hill, not looking forward to that one.

So the run was pretty easy although very hot with the muggy weather we're having. I was surprised that it was a lot easier than the first session, but that could have been down to the fact that we didn't drink red wine the night before!

Saying that the first run was flat whereas this run was up and down and had a few hill sections so it should have been a little tougher. Perhaps the exercise is working already?

I certainly feel that my metabolism is up as remembering back to the days of training I would always sweat much easier than I used to, particularly overnight when I would sweat in my sleep - seriously, it's damned annoying! - Well that's back now as my core temperature and metabolism are way up and I'm definitely sweating in my sleep again.

Lovely topic.

Anyway, that's day two, and for day two I tried another package, SportyPal. This has a range of applications for different phones and has a superb look and feel, not the cluttered mess of mapmyfitness, but a really nice clean and slick interface on both phone and web application.

The application on the phone has a lot more features and could allow you to do just about everything from the website on the phone, uploading it to the web allows you to store, compare and share the content.

More on that application later, unfortunately it has no embed function as yet (I just requested it), so no map for you to see. Anyway, since it was around my house I'm not going to show you it anyway!

Running Training: Day One

This was a shock to us that the night before Saturday 27th of June, during some wine partaking, we decided just to go for it the next day, no planning, no organisation, just doing it. I looked out the marathon training plan that my mate Dave Morrow had sent me and we continued with the wine.

Come the morning, slightly dodgy heads, we leapt into action and headed down to the beach at Silverknowes.

The first week consists of three runs, run for one minute, walk for nonety seconds and repeat eight times. Sounded very easy, until we started.

My heart was pounding in my chest early on, something I find happens a lot with exercise for me, and we were surprisingly warm for such a chilly, foggy morning, and this was about the second repeat!

It actually became much easier, until the final two repeats where we really did start struggling, however we did it and made it back alive.

The problem really came with the next few days, the tightness meant that whenever we sat around for a while our legs would be aching when we stood up, and whenever I did that I looked like an old man...oh wait a minute I am!

Of course the forty minute power yoga session on Sunday morning didn't help. Yup, we're going all out for this training malarkey, I'm wondering how long this is going to last!

As part of this training I'm taking my Sony Ericsson X1 mobile phone along with me and using the GPS functionality to record our running.

This first training run was recording using the free software GPS Cycle Computer, a superb program that allows exporting of the recorded route through GPX or KML files which can then be viewed in Google Maps or uploaded to a website.

This time I uploaded the file to MapMyFitness, set-up my personal details, and here's the first recorded workout:

More on the site in another post, particularly the way you can't stop this huge padded area from appearing beneath the embedded map. For now, let's just be glad we made it through day one.

Marathon training, me?

I've been talking for some time about doing something for charity, a long bike ride, a virtual row around Britain, something to raise money for either the British Heart Foundation or some form of cancer care, however I've always talked about it and never really followed through.

My friend Dave Morrow kept talking about how I should try running, and slowly, over time, circumstances colluded. My bike, my second favourite form of exercise, is broken and while it is I'm piling on weight, a colleague, similar build to me, trained and ran a 10k, and then Dave sent me a training programme for a marathon.

I won't give you the full programme here but let me show you the opening. Now bear in mind that I'm not a runner, and in fact I've never really run. The most I've done is when I'm drunk and love to try and beat people at sprinting...yeah, I don't know why either, I'm drunk!

Apart from that I have a heart condition, although it's never really affected me when I've raced cross country on my mountain bike or trained for a while with a serious body builder, I'm starting to get on, and as I said so is the middle aged spread.

So I looked at this training and couldn't really get excited, here's the first stage:

Week Beginning 1st June 2009 (5K training - 3 runs a week)
Three sessions per week. Jogging at a VERY EASY level- hardly above walking pace.

Week 1 Run one min, walk 90 seconds. Repeat eight times. Do three times a week.
Week 2 Run two mins, walk one min. Repeat seven times. Do three times a week.
Week 3 Run three mins walk one mins. Repeat six times. Do three times a week.
Week 4 Run five mins, walk two mins. Repeat four times. Do three times a week.
Week 5 Run eight mins, walk two mins. Repeat three times. Do three times a week.
Week 6 Run 12 mins, walk one min. Repeat three times. Do three times a week.
Week 7 Run 15 mins, walk one min, Run fifteen mins. Do three times a week
Week 8 Run 30 mins continuously/5K

That didn't sound exciting to me, especially when you consider that I don't really like exercise without a point, i.e. going somewhere to do something unless it's on a bike or rowing machine – don't ask me why, I have no idea.

Then, one weekend, it almost came out of the blue, “shall we go for a run tomorrow?” The surprising thing was that we both said yes, and so we did.

I've no idea how long this is going to go on for but we're giving it a go, and while we do I'm going to try out a few ways of tracking my progress using my GPS enabled mobile phone and some websites.

So if you fancy it, come along for the ride.

Companies, customers and internet contacts

Companies need customers, customers buy their product, hand over money, and that money goes to pay the wages of the people working for it and make the company bigger and bigger. More than just getting the customers they have to retain them, that's a key to growing a company, that's what you see every major company from superstore to bank trying to do, keep the customers they have.

To retain them they need to do something really important, and that's address any problems or questions they have with the company as soon as they have them and make sure they don't arise again. How do they do that? They keep in touch with them, they open channels of communication with them and give them the means to contact them.

However it can't be a token gesture, and as much as you'll see contact forms and email addresses around for companies, and now Facebook and Twitter accounts, if they don't use them they'll lose the customers.

If a company is to offer some form of contact on the internet, whatever the option is, they have to respond, and not only respond but respond quickly, even if it's with an email indicating that they've received the message and how long they are likely to take to answer it. However they have to answer it.

I've contacted a number of companies of late, a few enquiring about sales, and they've never responded. It's not that the email has been caught in spam as mine all goes into a junk folder and I check it before I delete it. They've just never deemed it important enough to answer the question, a question from a customer for a potential sale.

To me that's a bad sign, if the company doesn't want the sale that's okay, but to ignore an enquiry from a customer is damaging to their business. If someone came to their offices or phoned them up and asked them the question would they ignore them, hang up the phone?

Of course not, but an email, contact form or instant message is easier to ignore for them, and that means a lost sale, not just for now but the potential customer is liable to remember that ignored query for a very long time, and may well tell others about it.

If that's the kind of bad press your company can deal with then keep ignoring those queries.

The other thing a company has to do is answer the queries quicker than they would a letter. It's no use putting it to the side and waiting months to answer, you'll have lost the sale. The moment it arrives it needs to be treated with as much importance as any other form of query. The perception is that the email has arrived in the organisation seconds after it's been sent, and it needs to be treated internally as such. When that arrives, the customer's clock is ticking.

When responding to the query it's all very well if they've utilised the communication channel for their customer's needs and responded quickly, but the answer cannot be “call this number for the answer”, that's something I've seen twice now from my mobile phone provider, to do so is seriously misreading your customer, and possibly your own business.

The customer has used the internet to contact the company for a reason, because it's simple, quick and efficient, and perhaps they want an electronic copy of the conversation, so by responding and asking them to call a telephone service is misreading their needs, and failing to answer their simple request.

So if you don't answer your customers queries and actually deal with them on whatever form of communication you use, you can end up losing their sale, and perhaps even making them feel somewhat aggrieved towards your company.

So if you have a contact form, an email, or utilise a social network to contact your customers, when they contact you:

Respond quickly
Respond via the same method they contacted you
Respond with an answer and solution, or engage with them to find that answer

The Quiet Period

For those that are still following my personal site thanks are due, thanks for continuing to follow me despite a long quiet period. There’s been a long time with nothing being written, but I’m hoping to start changing that and pick up the posting once again.

It’s been a tough time personally, although if you follow Filmstalker (the site, Twitter, or any social network I'm on) then you’ll be wondering why I haven’t been online here. Well, it's pretty easy, I just haven't wanted to write much about myself.

Last year my mother died after her fight with cancer. Through the months leading up to her death and the time afterwards I’ve not really had the desire to write much about myself or my own life and observations, although I have thrown myself into Filmstalker.

Filmstalker has proven a great distraction for me. I love the escapism of film anyway and during this time I think it's fair to say I've wanted to escape just that little but more, and films have just provided that both in watching and in writing.

However it's time to get moving onwards, and I've started more and more to feel the desire to write something on my own site about non-film related topics, and finally I think I'm ready to kick it off again.

It might be slow, a little sporadic, and I might have to find my way again, but I'm back and we'll see where this takes my writing and the site.

Good to see you back too.

England dominates British television

I couldn't believe what ITV have done tonight, it may seem trivial to those outside Scotland, but it goes to show how the country is treated when it comes to National versus English television.

It seems that while England are served their national team playing football, Scotland can't see theirs, nor can they see the programme that's usually on at the same time.

My wife turned the channel to ITV watch Coronation Street this evening, not that I was going to watch, I was getting ready to turn on the computer and start my evening of Filmstalker work, however there was no Coronation Street.

Instead Scottish viewers are being treated to an old episode of Lewis, a programme we've seen before, twice if I remember rightly.

My wife checked out an online TV guide, just to make sure, but accidentally pulled up ITV London, the culprit was right in front of her, England are playing football live on television.

Wait a minute though, so are Scotland, they're playing tonight so why isn't that match on for us?

So while England gets to watch their team playing football, Scotland have to listen to the radio to hear their team play and they get repeated repeats in place of the regular, very popular soap.

Now that's rubbish.

Shock horror news reports from BBC!

I'm really getting fed up with the way the news is being presented these days, more and more it's short, sharp headlines, with reporters pushing people for something controversial or interesting whatever the story and whatever the real story behind it.

There's also the growing trend of leaping on a story that's “hot gossip” rather than doing some investigative journalism – why explain the failure of UN forces in the Congo and what the truth behind the problems there is when we can focus on the inane and blown out of all proportion story of Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross and Andrew Sachs?

That story was one over the last few days that I've seen on BBC News that has shown the almost rabid desperation of the reporters to get some form of story, to get the interviewees angry and baying for blood on camera.

Andrew Sachs being pressed about how upset he was about the phone calls and if he'd received apologies from the main people involved. The reporter was going through the names involved and asking if he'd received apologies from each, really pressing him. Sachs kept shaking his head and in a slow and calm voice said that he wasn't expecting apologies, he's not collecting them. In fact he didn't even sound that upset.

The “reporter” then tried to present some inflammatory way that events had occurred when the producer of the programme called him to obtain permission on the show, Sachs shook his head and was utterly confused saying that wasn't the way it happened, but the reporter pressed on. It took another reporter to step in and replay the events in a much less sensationalised way for Sachs to agree.

The other week a representative of Help the Aged was being interviewed during the height of the media panic around the financial “crisis”. Two desk based presenters were interviewing the representative and talking about how older employees are being targeted by employers as the first to be made redundant in times of financial struggle.

However after their heavily loaded and over explanatory question was turned to the representative he shot it down in flames. They put it to him that older employees were being put at risk of redundancy in this current financial crisis and that employers were using it as an excuse to get rid of them. This piece had been built up all morning, and when it came time for him to answer the question he said that they'd seen no evidence of this happening, and anyway nowadays it was against the law and the age discrimination act was protecting them.

The presenters pressed him, trying to get him to say something scary and controversial about companies and older employees, but to no avail. That didn't stop the channel pumping the idea throughout the day and returning to short clips from the interview.

There's also a couple of questions to be asked about how much involvement the media are having in perpetuating and building any event that makes it to the news. For instance the financial crisis itself, we keep hearing all the doom and gloom, house prices down, spending down, employees being made redundant, companies failing, and huge graphics of crashing bar charts and words of crisis and desperation across it.

Yet today I heard the BBC News interviewing an employer who was saying it's not that bad and they aren't having to get rid of people just yet, or a small company with thirty-two employees talking about making four redundant in recent times and with no real explanation of if this was associated with hard times, indeed they said that they aren't feeling any problems at the moment and are in a very good place.

Then a housing market specialist who was being interviewed about the continuing drop in house market prices saying that if you've already bought it's not a problem because you have your property and it's only if you're moving you should be concerned. Even then if your property is down in value so is the one you're buying, so no story there, in fact no story in any of those attempts at scaremongering.

Then there's just the fact that they're coming on air every few minutes saying that the world markets are destroyed, financial problems unlike any other since the thirties, we'll never recover, the UK Banks are going to fail...and that last one strikes the loudest chord with me.

For it was the media that helped destroy Northern Rock. Yes, you may think that's a bold statement, but let me explain. Northern Rock went to borrow funds from the Bank of England, as all Banks do at various times, and they were refused the funds. They were looking to raise them elsewhere and the media decided to pick up on this story and make it huge. As it broke people panicked, removed the money from the Bank that they needed to get the loans to cover their customers, just as all Banks do, and there was the crisis. The crisis wasn't that the Bank wanted to borrow the money in the first place.

Leap forward to the present and HBoS, then the other UK Banks. One can't help but wonder if part of their recent problems have been increased and perpetuated by the media themselves.

Look at the recent upset with Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross and Andrew Sachs. Over thirty-five thousand complaints received – how many of them are the people who actually heard the show, well actually there were only two complaints made on the day and one at the time of the show.

The rest of the complaints have come since, after The Daily Mail whipped up a frenzy and the rest of the media have continued to follow, and how upset really are the Sach's? When I saw the Andrew Sachs “interview” at his front doorstep he didn't look that upset at all and wasn't looking for apologies.

Now we've seen the Radio 2 controller resign, and she surely had no hand in obtaining the permission from Sachs for the show, the editing or releasing of the show on air. Thanks to the media for all this, and the tens of thousands of people who didn't hear the show, probably don't even know all the facts, and are leaping on the bandwagon.

The media are not only trying to push to try and get the latest scoop and exclusive comment on air, but they are also trying to make and manipulate the news.

Reporters struggling to interview and get what they want out of their interviewees, loading questions and pushing people. Stretching out statements of nothing, statements and stories of “things to come”, and repeat, repeat, repeat.

When the BBC Director General making a statement saying that he'll soon make a statement about the Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross debacle gets the same airtime and even more investigation than the growing catastrophe in the Congo, you have to wonder what the media, or to be fair what the BBC News is doing.

Edinburgh Airport diversions and noise

Back in March we received a note through our door saying that there was going to be maintenance on the main runway at Edinburgh Airport. It would take place overnight, and would mean that the night time flights would have to be diverted to a backup runway. This meant they would have to fly over the south west corner of the city, and therefore our house.

I thought at the time it all seemed sensible and the period of time wasn't too bad, and to be honest we've grown to live the with sound of large, low flying jets over our house throughout the night. However now and again the noise is incredible, like last night.

Both myself and my wife awoke startled and almost in panic as a plane flew overhead and powered it's engines on suddenly. It's the kind of sound you hear on Black Box Investigates, or whatever the show is that recreates plane crashes, just as the pilots realise that they are going down they ram the engines on full, they scream loudly, and the plane tries to recover - that's what it sounded like last night.

Over the months of getting used to the night flights - something I really don't want to admit to because I fear that the Airport might use the lack of complaints as an excuse to keep them going - there is the odd flight where you hear the engines powered on more than normal, or the flight is flying lower than the rest.

I say odd, but if I'm being serious it's probably two or three a week, and they are loud, you would not believe how loud considering that our flat is a new build (five years old) very well insulated and sound proofed, and double glazed.

Yet the sound still comes through, and you could imagine that you were standing at the runway during a flyover, they are that loud, and when they're a little lower, or the power gets pushed on a little just over the house, you really do feel it, and some nights they'll keep you awake for a few flights.

However last night was different. It genuinely sounded like the plane was in serious trouble. My wife had been asleep while I was trying to get there myself, and we both sat up in bed convinced that the plane flying over our heads was too low, powering the engines on full, and heading for a crash landing.

We just sat there and looked at each other for a good fifteen seconds, waiting to hear if it recovered or not. As the sound disappeared into the distance we both expressed our concern, however it sounded like it didn't crash.

The next plane that came over, some three or four minutes after that one, was quieter but still increased the engines a little, something that we hear quite a few times. It was tremendously windy last night, although not as bad as Wednesday evening, and that could have accounted for the sudden power increase.

It was a shock though, and for fifteen seconds I thought a plane might be crash landing in Edinburgh.

The work began on the 30th March and is set to extend until the end of November. There's more information on the BAA site.

Formula 1 pretends to be green

I had to laugh, although I've been avoiding Formula 1 after I've just lost all hope of fairness in the sport after years of McLaren bashing and Ferrari winning, I've heard the news about the attempts at the Japanese Grand Prix to focus the minds of the fans on the environment.

In order to highlight the problem the tyre manufacturer painted the grooves in the tyres green.

Yes, they painted them green. Who knows what paint they used, I wonder if the paint itself was environmentally friendly?

Regardless of that it does make a bit of a mockery of it all, by having part of the tyres green they hope to make us think of environmental issues and yet last Grand Prix they ran at night and had so many floodlights burning around the circuit that it looked just like daytime.

Let's not even think of the output of all those engines, the flying of cars and teams across the world, and so on, and on.

Well at least they have some nice green grooves on the tyres.

How to slice a loaf, legally

Just a quick bit of background before I had over to my father. For his entire working life he's been involved in Environmental Health, from the beginnings of his career as a Sanitary Inspector, all the way up to being second in charge of Aberdeen's Environmental Health department - everything from noise to water pollution, from food hygiene to dog wardens. Even after his retirement he was involved in food hygiene consultancy and pest control.

One day he sent me this little write up of how, according to official guidelines and laws, you are supposed to slice a loaf of bread, including all the pre-requisites that you should have in place.

It's quite an eye opener, and while most of it is common sense and right, some of it is just way over the top. However, it's the proper way you have to cut bread, according to the Government.

While you have a read, I'm off to take a slice of pre-sliced frozen bread out of the freezer and throw it in the toaster. Over to my Dad.

Based on the requirements of the Food Safety Act, the Health & Safety at Work Act, the Private Water Supplies Regulations and the Disposal of Hazardous Waste Regulations

Obtain the following supplies:

Plastic face shield
PVC apron
PVC gloves
Pack of sterile disposable gloves
White hat and coat
Chopping board of such a size that it can accommodate the loaf in question allowing for the greatest horizontal dimension plus the vertical dimension with allowance for error. It must not be grooved
Bread knife
Sterilising solution
Plastic basin large enough to take the chopping board
Clean uncracked plate
Loaf of bread – check the “sell by” date to ensure that the loaf is not out of date
First aid kit
Emergency eye wash kit

Ascertain if the water supply to your work room is from the public mains or not
If it is from the mains, go to step 9 below
If it is not from the mains, contact your local Environmental Health Department and ask for a sample to be taken of the water. This should take about 3 weeks and should cost over £100
If the result is satisfactory, go to step 9 below
If the result is unsatisfactory, consult the Yellow Pages for a water treatment firm who will install the necessary treatment plant
Instruct a firm to carry out the necessary work This should cost about £400 - £500
Return to step 4 to ensure that the treatment plant is correctly purifying the water
Ensure that there is no infestation of vermin in the workroom by asking a Pest Control Firm to install insect indicator traps and rodent bait points. This should cost about £150
Also ask them to install an electronic flying insect killer in the room. This may cost about£100
If after about a week, there is no evidence of infestation, proceed to step 14 below
If either of these steps shows evidence of infestation, seek quotations for the removal of the infestation and the proofing of the room against further infestations.
Instruct a firm to carry out the necessary proofing work. This may cost as much as £300 and may take another week
Remove children, animals and other adults from the work room
Switch on the electronic flying insect killer
Put on the plastic face shield, PVC apron and PVC gloves
Take the bread knife
Check that the handle is intact, and that the blade is sharp
If they are both satisfactory go to step 20 below
If they are not satisfactory, return to step 1(g) above
Check that you have a current Health & Safety Certificate certifying that you have been trained in the safe use of dangerous equipment and hazardous chemicals.
If you have such a Certificate, go to step 24 below
If you do not have such a Certificate, contact your local Environmental Health Department, and ask about a course. This should take about a month and should cost about £100
Take the chopping board and check if the surface is grooved.
If it is not grooved, then proceed to step 30
If it is grooved, dispose of the board and return to step 1(f) above
Take the plate and check that it is not cracked
If it is not cracked, then proceed to step 30
If it is cracked, dispose of the board and return to step 1(j) above
Put on the face shield, gloves and apron
Have copious supplies of water handy in case of spillage of sterilising solution
Study instructions on exterior of bottle of sterilising solution
Dilute sterilising solution as per instructions
Place sufficient quantity of sterilising solution in bowl to allow for complete immersing of chopping board, knife and plate
Carefully and slowly immerse the chopping board, knife and plate in the sterilising solution, and allow them to remain there for the period given in the instructions on the bottle
Take off your gloves, as the previous pair were in contact with an unsterilised chopping board and knife
Place the used gloves in a sealed bag, and lay them aside for step 70
Wash your hands in warm to hot running water, using a liquid bacteriological soap
Dry your hand with disposable paper towels
Place the used paper towels in a sealed bag, and lay them aside for step 70
Put on an unused pair of sterile disposable gloves
After the appropriate period of time, slowly and carefully remove the chopping board, knife and plate from the sterilising solution, and rinse them under a running cold water supply for 2 minutes
Allow the board, knife and plate to drip free of water
Remove your protective clothing (face shield, apron and pvc gloves)
Take off your gloves, as the previous pair were in contact with unsterilised protective clothing
Place the used gloves in a sealed bag, and lay them aside for step 70
Wash your hands in warm to hot running water, using a liquid bacteriological soap
Dry your hand with disposable paper towels
Place the used paper towels in a sealed bag, and lay them aside for step 70
Put on an unused pair of sterile disposable gloves
Put on a newly-laundered white coat and hat
Take the loaf and check the “sell by” date
If it is within the “sell by” period, proceed to 55 below
If it is outwith the “sell by” period, discard the loaf and return to 1(k) above
Remove the loaf from its wrapper, and check for any evidence of surface mould
If there is no evidence of mould growth, proceed to 58 below
If there is evidence of mould growth, discard the loaf and return to 1(k) above
Place the loaf on the chopping board with the smallest dimension as the horizontal axis across the right hand end or the left hand end of the loaf
Decide on the thickness of the slice you want
Decide whether you are left-handed or right-handed, as the next step will depend on this decision
Take the bread knife and with the handle in your left or right hand (as appropriate) apply it to the surface of the loaf across the uppermost horizontal surface, with the blade pointing away from you, the sharpened edges downwards, at a distance from the relevant end of the loaf equivalent to the thickness of slice you have chosen
Hold the body of the loaf with your free hand, ensuring that this hand is well away from the cutting operation
Applying light pressure, move the knife backwards and forwards across the loaf.
You will find that the knife slowly sinks through the body of the loaf
When the knife reaches the bottom of the loaf, the slice which you have created will detach
Check the slice for embedded foreign objects or mould growth
Place the detached slice on the clean plate
If you need additional slices, return to step 58 above
Remove the gloves. Place in a sealed bag
Dispose of the sterilising solution, the used protective clothing the used gloves and the used wipes by looking in the Yellow Pages for a Licensed Hazardous Waste Disposal Firm and engaging their services. This should cost in excess of £300
Return to the bowl you used for sterilising the equipment
Obtain a bacteriological washing-up liquid
Create a solution of hot water in the bowl with the appropriate amount of washing-up liquid
Carefully wash all the equipment in this solution
Remove the equipment and allow it to drip-dry
After drip-drying, place the equipment in a clean cupboard for further use

Thanks Dad, and now you can toast the bread. Oh dear lord, that's going to have another procedure entirely, and what about the other slice, the margarine or butter, the filling? I'm bankrupt already and the sandwich shop is shutting down.

A day at Pittodrie, my first football match

No, I'm not seven, I'm thirty seven, but I've never been to a football match before, and only twice set foot in a football stadium. Surprisingly both times were Pittodrie, once was very recently for the charity zip slide, and the other was way back in 1983 to watch the team return with the European Cup Winners Cup.

However as a wonderful gift some very important people at Aberdeen Football Club had given the family something that might add a little bit of cheer to the terrible past few weeks we've had.

We were surprised enough to see some important people from AFC appear at my mothers cremation ceremony, but then to receive special passes for the Aberdeen game against Hibernian, including comfy seats, a table in an inside private lounge, free drinks, pies, sausage rolls and kebabs, what more could you ask for?

Well perhaps a good game, more of that later.

When we arrived we were sat down in one of the lounges and immediately had a few free drinks in front of us, what a great start. Once we had a few whiskies inside of us to get ready for the cold and wet weather outside, we headed out for kick off.

I was amazed by a couple of things during the match, the first was just how good it all was watching a real game, the atmosphere really did add tons to the experience. However it also added some very negative things.

Despite being in the posher stands I was stunned at how aggressive and base some of the fans were. In front of my two nephews, aged five and eight, a man was standing and miming injecting his arm to the Hibernian fans. Across from him and a few rows down were a couple of fans who were shouting and screaming constantly with a stream of swearing and insults, most of which raised nervous and embarrassed sniggering from people around us.

I can actually understand why there's so much violence at football matches, the taunting from stand to stand was incredible, and it wasn't gentle ribbing either, it was pretty targeted and some of it pretty nasty. During some of the moments in the match you could really feel a charged atmosphere between them.

I was also surprised by the number of decisions made that the crowd didn't believe in, that were called dubious by the players themselves, and even one where the referee overruled the linesman. It made me wonder why there isn't video playback for decisions.

Oh I hear people screaming in disbelief – imagine how the game would be delayed – well only by correcting the wrong decisions or by making sure all those fakers, cry babies and cheaters were caught out. A referee on the side watching a delayed video feed wouldn't slow anything down, perhaps if the referee disagreed and wanted to watch the replay, but I saw much more time wasting than that on the pitch today.

Lastly, I was surprised by how quick and imprecise the game seems in real life. Perhaps it was just the Aberdeen and Hibs players, but neither were looking as slick and integrated as televised games.

That is perhaps the biggest surprised I got during the match, Aberdeen did have some good players but they played as a group of individuals, not as a team. You'd see some great single moments and crosses, but they were seldom made into anything other than a pass or two. The order of the day was plenty of midfield passing, and a big cross into an empty space.

Indeed there were some absolutely ridiculous moments with a number of passes to players who just weren't there, or weren't anticipating the shot coming through and let it go by them, on one occasion straight through the players legs. Most of the crosses towards the goal just don't meet up with anyone.

Hibs score two and the single Aberdeen goal is from a penalty.

My final surprise was at the end of the game. A couple of the Hibs players walked over to their fans applauding them, and I saw no recognition from the Aberdeen players of their fans, who had made much more noise during the match, and applauded the players at some key moments. Sure they lost, but the recognition of the fans should still have been there, and there seemed a gulf between the Hibs and Aberdeen players at that point.

Back in the warmth of the lounge we had some more free whiskies waiting for us, soup and sandwiches. Much needed.

While in the lounge I had tons of ideas of how to improve the experience and engage the fans more, something I'm going to write up and have presented back to those in charge. It's something I always do whenever I experience something new, whether it be an application on the Internet or some service in the real world, I seem to always come up with a list of ways of making it more effective, engaging, and a much better experience all round.

Overall it was a great day, the football wasn't up to much, but the whole experience was superb, and I have to thank those at Aberdeen FC who made it possible. We had a great day, and when we got home we all had a wee snooze.

Cadbury's advertising company out of ideas?

When the two new Cadbury's adverts first appeared they caused a stir because they were utterly fantastic. The gorilla playing the drums to Phil Collins and the airport vehicles getting pimped up and racing each other in the middle of the night on the runway to Queen's Don't Stop Me Now, both were crazy ideas that worked wonderfully.

However now they've re-released them with exactly the same footage just different musical tracks, and suddenly the originals have been cheapened and you realise there is nothing more to this campaign.

The original gorrilla advert was superb, and I've included the extended advert below. Playing to Phil Collins In the Air Tonight, it had bags of style and personality, and the gorilla was memorising. The advert was amazing, and it was the talk of the town after it first appeared.

Then they followed that up with another great idea. Just as the crisis was clearing at Terminal 5 in the UK's Heathrow airport, this advert suggested that the reason for the delays was clear, the cars had personalities and were playing with each other.

To the sound of Queen Don't Stop Me Now we watched the pimped up airport vehicles race across the runway toying with each other, and we genuinely felt their joy and excitement. Here's the cracking advert.

Now both the gorilla and the trucks are back, but the footage is exactly the same, just different music, trying to resell the same adverts with a little makeover.

The gorilla is now playing to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart. It seems that rather than produce something new they've decided to just remix what they had – has the advertising company run out of ideas?

At least with the gorilla advert they had a little play around in the editing suite, even if it was to make most of the drumming action fit the new song by slowing it down and some quick cutting, not so with the trucks though.

The exact same trucks advert is back, just with another track over the top, this time it's Bon Jovi Living on a Prayer.

It's a shame in a way, the gorilla advert screamed one off special, but then when the airport trucks advert came I really thought that we were going to be shown a series of really cool ideas, not so it seems, instead we have the same adverts recycled, and not very cleverly.

If you watch the gorilla advert you can see some of the drumming out of time, and you'll notice that the truck advert is identical.

Yes they are clever, but the audience is not dumb. Not only do I feel a little cheated by it all, but it's also harming how good the originals were. Will we see them released with new songs again, or will we just see another new campaign dropping this cool style and returning to the usual chocolate adverts? Shame, I was keen to see where this was going.

Formula 1 proves bias for the last time

I've talked about the obvious bias and corruption in Formula 1 many times before, particularly when it involves Ferrari and McLaren, where McLaren are almost always penalised and Ferrari almost always get away with whatever has happened.

The last two events in the last two races have just sickened me of the sport and I think it's time that some of these teams walked away from the FIA and either dropped Forumla 1 as a “sport” or start a newer, more honest organisation.

In the last race in Valencia we saw Ferrari's Felippe Massa pull out from his pit lane almost into the side of a Force India car, race side by side with him down the pit lane towards a brick wall, and only at the last minute stop and pull in behind him.

During the race we heard that the stewards were investigating the incident but that no decision would be made until after the race, and even then it would probably be nothing more than a grid penalty – at the time Massa was in the lead and went on to win the race. Some time after the race it was deemed that since no one was hurt there would be no penalty.

Today in Spa Lewis Hamilton was passed by Kimi Raikkonen and chased him throughout the race. Then in the closing stages the rain hit and the combination of tyres and the McLaren in the wet gave Hamilton the edge. He caught Raikkonen and they were battling for position on the chicane, side by side with Raikkonen edging him off the track and pushing forward, Hamilton went off the track and cut the chicane.

He rejoined the track ahead of Raikkonen and immediately backed off, letting Raikkonen race past him to take the lead. As soon as Raikkonen was fully ahead Hamilton put the power back on and passed him again, taking the lead.

Then the rain came and the last few laps were pretty dangerous. Raikkonen and Massa were losing ground while the McLaren was making it, not through any advantage from the chicane, but because the car was better in the wet. Then Raikkonen spun off in the wet and hit the wall. Hamilton won the race.

Now we hear, through ITV F1, that the race stewards have decided that, despite Hamilton slowing down and letting Raikkonen pass him before racing him once again for the lead, that he broke the rules, and this punishment was not going to be a grid penalty for the next race, no they decided to take the win away from Hamilton.

They docked him a full twenty five seconds and moved him down to fourth place, giving Massa the win.

Interestingly McLaren asked Charlie Whiting, the race director, if they had complied with the rules when they had allowed Raikkonen to retake the position before going on to pass him again, and he said they had.

Regardless the key is that he allowed Raikkonen to drive fully in front, when in reality before Hamilton went off the track they were almost side by side, so in effect he gave Raikkonen an additional advantage.

Later on, before Raikkonen crashed, he was clearly faster than both Ferrari's, neither of which were handling well on track.

So Massa in his Ferrari can pull out alongside another car in the pits and race dangerously for the line and a brick wall only to break away at the last moment, and have the audacity to blame the other driver for daring to enter the pit lane at the same time, and he receives no penalty.

Then there's Hamilton who gives back the advantage he gained, and then some, when he was forced off the track only to legitimately retake the position and then race faster than either Ferrari for the rest of the laps while Raikkonen crashes into a wall unable to control his car, and he has the race win taken away from him and he's demoted to fourth.

You find the logic in that? I could if I was a Ferrari fan, but then I'd either be working for the FIA or be a steward.

There is some positive news, again from ITV F1, McLaren is appealing the decision. However I really don't see that they'll get it overturned, even with the footage being so obvious and with the word that the data supports their take on events. I can't see them winning it, and looking back in my support of F1, I've only seen one appeal overturn a stewards decision like that.

I'm not holding out much hope for a great miracle, a change of heart, or F1 made into a real sport once again with corruption being rooted out or the teams breaking away into a rival racing series. I imagine the appeal will fail, and for whatever reason Hamilton will not win the championship, neither will McLaren.

I am now officially done with Formula 1. I cannot give my support and help advertising revenue run into a “sport” that is so obviously biased and filled with misinformed and corrupt decisions as these, and this isn't a one off either, this has been going on for years and years in various bizarre decisions.

How can I sit there any longer and support any driver or team when there is next to no chance that they will be granted a win unless it's in an approved car, or if a certain team decide not to challenge them off the race track?

Formula 1 is no longer a sport but a money machine bent on letting one team dominate to continue revenue streams pouring in and merchandising at a high.

I am sad. I wanted to support Lewis Hamilton, Jenson Button and particularly David Coulthard on his final season, however I feel I can no longer watch them without thinking that they are just being graced the positions as they aren't in a championship contending position.

My apologies to the good people of the sport, particularly the drivers I support. I may see you again if things change, or if there is a breakaway series and the FIA is put to rest. In the meantime, if I was McLaren I would pull out of the sport, and if I was a sponsor of Ferrari or the FIA I'd be pulling the plug right now.

Macmillan charity zip slide

On Saturday 16th my brother David went on a charity zip slide off of a stand in Pittodrie Football Club down to the other side of the pitch, it was all to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support, a charity that has suddenly become very close to our family since our mother has been diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer - you can read more about that in the original article.

I went along to capture the event on film so that we could prove to all the people who donated that he'd done it, and when he dropped down he persuaded me to jump just before he went for a second go. So we got photos of that too, and they're all here as proof.

Before I show you the photo gallery I just have to thank, on behalf of my brother, my mother, the family and of course Macmillan and all the other families this money will go to help, all of the people who donated money for the event. This money does go to make the lives of those suffering from cancer more comfortable and will help provide support for those directly afflicted from the disease and also support for their families. You should feel proud that you've done something good.

If you can't view the above slideshow, or if you'd like to see them at your own speed and at the right sizes, just head over to my Flickr Zip Slide gallery.

So there's the evidence, we did it. Now David's talking about some sort of zip slide off of the Forth Road Bridge, while I'm thinking about a round Britain row - oh yes, I really do mean that, but like most things in my life it would be virtual! However it's not too late to donate to Macmillan even now which you can do over at my brother's Just Giving site.

To all those who left their name along with their donation, here's a mention. There are many others though who have either given direct donations or haven't passed on their details to the public site. To you all we thank you.

"Only heard about this after we got back from holiday" -Brian & Susan (Loughborough)
"Well Done" - Brenda McWilliam
Susan Buglass
"Better Late then never eh??" - Andy K
"Because Richard puts up with me every day (at work). Good luck." - Audrey Waldie
"Friends of Richard + Zoe - Good luck!" - Dave and Carole Morrow
"It's usually the players throwing themselves to the ground at Pittodrie!" - Don Henderson
"Friend of Zoe & Richard's - such a good cause - and rather you than me on the zip slide!" - Ainsley Reid
"Best wishes from the south for a safe landing" - Ann & Jim Pender
"Zoe made us do this!! :)) Only joking, glad to help a good cause." - Emma Keir (friend of Zoe)
"Do you really have to do this naked?" - The other half (the real boss of the household)
"Good luck David, love to the family." - Joyce Minkley
"Good Luck" - Tamsyn
"Lots of love to you and the family." - Sarah & Dave
"Fantastic idea David, can't wait to see the video footage. Good luck pal!" - Peter and Cathlene Fitt
"Good luck!" - Gwen & Graham
"A very good cause" - Catriona Butler
"Good Luck!" - Suzy Bell
"Want to see the pictures. Good luck." - Jen Monaghan
"If you need a risk assessment......let me know. Good luck!" - Fred & Pat Fitt
"Good luck Dave" - Peter Roy
"Good luck David!" - David Downie
"Dave remember, don't look down!" - Alan Hay
"Good luck" - Ayshea Johnston
"I guess Richard is playing the 'I'm a newly married man' card. That's why it is down to you. Good luck!" - Kevin Lincoln
"Good luck David, I'm sure you won't need the helping hand (push?!) from your brother!" - Caroline Hayman
"Hope you don't make a mess of the hallowed turf. I can put someone on standby." - Drew Sloan
"Structural Engineers checking the RDS additional support required. Good luck (and to the stand)." - John/Jan Morgan
"Good luck Dave" - Duncan Fraser
"Good Luck!" - Louise McGregor
"My prayers will be with you and the Brunton family." - Simone Laberinto
"Good Luck!!! We'll be there to get photographic evidence and give you a helping hand if you change your mind!" - Richard & Zoe
"All the best mate enjoy your day and lets hope it doesn`t rain it`s for a good cause" - Lee J H Stocks
"All the best. we'll all be there with water bombs to get you on your way down!!!!" - Greg Donaldson
"Good on ye Dave - hope it's a dry day and don't forget to wear underwear!!" - Angela Gordon
"Make sure and wear a Helmet you don't want your hair getting in your eyes GOOD LUCK" - John Metcalfe
"Great effort for a Great Cause! Good Luck Dave!" - Gavin Levey
"Best of luck mate. Be most impressed if you did this on your company bike!" - Roy Johnston
"Go for it you Hammer" - DJ
"New nickname - Zippy!" - Neil Cumming
"Is this just an excuse to pretend to be tarzan?" - Craig Barry
"Dont forget we have wire cutters in the van in case you want off half way there!!" - Roland George
"Hi Dave, Please make sure the zip slide harness has been tested for heavy weights as we don`t want you to have an accident!! Only joking well done." - Richard Carr
"What's the chance of doing it a week later at 3 oclock and taking out Barry Ferguson?" - Euan Harkness
"Zip slide?? If I find out you just pulling your spaver down, instead of risking life and limb down something hideously high………" - Scott Marshall

Just a quick thanks from me to my big brother for pushing me to do the jump, and for going forward for the whole experience in the first place, and obviously, from us both, to our Mum...and Dad...and...wait a minute, it's not an acceptance speech!!