Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!

Birthday Thoughts

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:16:52 PDT

Rich Brown on October 31, 2009.

Well here we are again, back to that day of the year to which I have still not decided if I love or I hate. Today is my birthday, my 39th birthday to be exact. Everyone always remarks about how great it is to have a birthday on Halloween. It is pretty great, but to be honest when I found out sometime between 5 and 10 years old that it wasn't all about me, I sort of lost interest.

So here I am once again looking back on the last year of my life and doing an evaluation. What did I like, what did I do right, what would I change. It's something I do every year on my birthday, as I've never been a fan of resolutions on New Year's Day, but rather a reassessment of myself and my path in life on my birthday.

I can still remember the night of my 30th birthday, sitting in my apartment in San Francisco, scared and excited at what the next 10 years were going to hold in store for me, and here I am now looking back and moving into the last year of that era of my life. I can't believe how fast time passes.

I think overall my 30's have been a really great time of life for me. They are completely not what I expected for myself, and that's a good thing. It's been a decade full of adventure and surprises and I'm looking forward to actually using this last year to help turn the tide of negative energy that's taken over me this past year.

If I just focus on the last year, it's probably been one of my worst. I do realize that I've become quite the negative and cynical person in the course of just a year, but that's partly because I made some bad decisions and I let myself be put into a position which I had no control. It was unlike me, and completely unavoidable, but I did it anyway and because if it I suffered greatly this year. I'm not one to talk about my feelings with people outside of my inner circle, but this year has taken it's toll on me both emotionally and physically. I've let myself get into a financial mess to which I'm still trying to formulate a plan for recovery. I've allowed myself to remain at probably one of the most miserable job's I've ever had in the history of my career, to work for a company who's only motivation is greed, a company who has no integrity, no vision, no goals and no respect for any of it's employees. Against my better judgement, I've allowed myself to stay there in the hopes that things would change, but I realize now the only thing that has to change is my self-realization that I can do better and my self-image that I am better then that.

It's funny because when I get down emotionally, everyone always tries to point out the good things in a persons life. I do realize I have a lot of good things going for me and in my life, but sometimes it's just hard to see them through the veil of negativity. If I do anything at all this year it will be to get rid of all this negative energy and make this last year of my 30's a great year so that I can start 40's on a positive note. I want to look back at my 30's and know that I while I made both good and bad choices, I made my own destiny and I set myself on the right path for a healthy and happy future.

This next year is going to be one where I focus on myself, my relationship, my finances and my career. It's going to be a year of better decisions. It's going to be the year that I finally explore Los Angeles and try to understand why nearly my entire life I've somehow been drawn to live here. It's going to be a year of discovery, hope and new dreams for the next decade. I know I have the drive and desire to make this next year a great one, and I'm going to start now.

Happy birthday to me, now step aside, I need to get through. Cheers.

Atlantis Cruise = Swine Flu Party?

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:48:13 PDT

LOL ... I just read this on the CDC website ...

What is CDC�s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"?
"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.

Um ... Ok.

Remember This Moment

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 04:06:48 PDT

Every once and a while I have one of these moments where I look around, take in my surroundings and think to myself "remember this moment" as if that triggers my mind to snapshot both the visuals around me and the feelings I have at single point in time and store them somewhere up in that mess of a brain I have. Since I've only done this a handful of times, when I think back to those moments I have an almost near perfect mental visualisation of people and objects around me and an overwhelming sensation of the way I felt during that moment. It's bizarre to be honest.

Morning & Afternoon View of Westwood from the Parking Garage on my way in/out of the office

This is one of the rare times where I actually have a photograph of what my brain actually remembers as one of those moments. The two photos above are a morning and afternoon view of the same corner of Wilshire & Glendon that I see every day to and from the office, but to me the visual represents so much more.

I've always had some strange fixation with this view of building in the center, probably because I see it everyday and caught in the correct light the building appears almost surreal, as if it was just painted into my viewpoint. About a month ago or so I was on my way into work, I stepped into the elevator of the parking garage to go down and just had this overwhelming feeling come over me with thoughts about myself, my job and what I'm now considering this new chapter of my life. I turned around to catch a glimpse of my favorite building and thought to myself "remember this moment, this will be what you think of when you remember back to the time you live and worked in Los Angeles."

I guess that's where I am with things right now to be honest. I'm trying to overcome the negativity and look at everything that's happened over the past few months as a learning experience for me because while I've been able to hide it quite nicely from most people I've actually been quite depressed lately in dealing with a host of unforeseen personal, financial, relationship and work issues. The type of issues which I haven't been forced to deal with in quite a long time. Making this move, the new job and all the baggage that was thrown at me after making such a drastic and sudden change has been a huge weight to carry for the past 8 months. I'm finally starting to have a feeling that things are about to change for the better, and honestly I'm ready for it. I'm ready to take a break from the long work days, take a much needed vacation here in a few weeks and come back ready to embrace and move on with my life. I believe it's probably time I look at what I have at hand and make the best of the current situation because as I read once "Don't look for the next opportunity, the one you have in hand is the opportunity!" I'm pretty sure whoever wrote that was probably correct. I guess well see. Cheers.

Not Impressed With Windows 7

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:21:34 PDT

I have to be honest I'm not really sold on or impressed with Windows 7. I installed it on my desktop about a month ago but my experiences with it so far have not been very good. I have minimal installed and still the browser crashes quite frequently and lately the computer seems to just lock up for no apparent reason. I guess we'll see if it improves, I can't determine if it's a good replacement for Vista at this point or not. Cheers

Tired

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:28:46 PDT

That's about all I have to say at the moment. I'm tired. I need some time to relax and recover but unfortunately my self imposed work schedule doesn't permit it. I worked late tonight, got home, going to bed and back at it again in the morning. I know I'm a sucker for punishment, but I see it all as being necessary at this point in time. At least I might be able to relax a little this weekend. We'll see. Cheers.

I Love It!

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 18:33:20 PDT

Something To Look Forward Too

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:35:30 PDT

Summer in Los Angeles. Now that's certainly something to look forward too after spending the last 6 summers slow roasting in the dry heat and sweltering temperatures of Phoenix. I can't say it's actually something I miss. Don't get me wrong, I really like certain aspects of Phoenix, but over all it was very easy for Justin and to make our departure with little fanfare and not too much looking back. It's never been a secret that ever since we arrived in Phoenix after leaving San Francisco we quickly began to long for being back in a more developed city. We had our reasons for staying in Phoenix for so long, and we also had our reasons for wanting to leave. Like I said it's not a bad place, it's just not the right place for us anymore.

There are a few things I miss about Phoenix, but the way I feel about living in Los Angeles, far outweighs anything that I could possibly miss about Phoenix aside from my Mother and a handful of remaining friends. I'm honestly surprised at how well adjusted both Justin and I have become with Los Angeles. Sure there have been some big adjustments for us to make, such as moving back into an apartment, and there's also the adjustment of making less money and having things be a little more expensive then we were accustomed too in Phoenix, but I'm realizing those sacrifices are what everyone makes when choosing to live in a big city. I'm also realizing that downsizing your life isn't really a bad thing either, it's just a minor adjustment.

So with that said, I think things are looking up a bit these days. The more comfortable we feel living here, the more Justin and I find to look forward too. Dancing all night at local club with our friends. True cultural diversity. Diddy Riese Cookies. The beach. Amazing restaurants. A real gay neighborhood. I could go on and on. The fact that I'm here with Justin, I have a decent job, good friends, and I'm healthy is about all I can ask. The rest is all added bonus. Sure I sometimes wish things would have turned out a little differently, but life is unpredictable and I had to remind myself recently to stop looking in the mirror, hang on, embrace the change and enjoy the ride, wherever it takes us. After all, if nothing else, summer in Los Angeles, now that's something to look forward too. Cheers!

Over It

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 21:54:55 PDT

Well so as to avoid having no blog postings dated in July, I decided to write this as it will be August in a few short days.

I can hardly believe I've been living in Los Angeles for 6 months now. I'm still loving every minute of living in Los Angeles with Justin but as for the rest of my life ...

I feel like poor white trash from the burbs. I guess it is what it is ...

I'm hopeful next month might be better.

Tuesday Blues

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 13:09:37 PDT

I'm a little tired today but that's no surprise since it's a work day. I find that I have too much going on in my life these days to get to bed at a reasonable time anymore. When you sit in the office until 7PM it doesn't give you much time in the evening to do much else before feeling like you 'should' be going to bed. The problem is that I know I should but usually don't which leaves me awake until 1, 2 or even sometimes 3AM before finally getting to sleep.

I'm not all that thrilled with my life at the moment. Somehow things seemed much better last year at this time but much has changed for both me and the rest of the world since then. I know I can't live in the past but it's difficult when you think things should get better over time, and they don't.

Times are tough and I can't say I haven't been impacted. I'm stressed out, moody and miserable that I have to work my ass off just to make ends meet these days. Come and gone were the days of irresponsible spending, travel and unmonitored finances. The move to Los Angeles has been a difficult once since Justin and I now have the overhead of an apartment as well as the mortgage payment on our home in Arizona. I know it's not a unique situation to us, but it's a first for us to feel this way and I'm not sure if things are really going to get better any time soon.

I guess I wish I would have made some different choices over the past few years, but again, I have to deal with the situation as it's now in front of me and do what I can to make the best of it.

I like living in Los Angeles, it's full of nearly everything I've wanted in a city, the only problem is that now I really can't appreciate it the way I might have given a different financial standing. I guess this is life right? Many of our parents were faced with difficult times and now it's the turn of my generation to experience. Knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. I do have some hope that things will slowly get better, as I need something to look forward too these days. Cheers.

I Love The Weather In Los Angeles

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:03:31 PDT

Are you kidding me with this ...

It was so hot in Phoenix this weekend and it's only May. I'm actually glad that for the first year in a long time (about 6 years to be exact) I'm not going to have to suffer through an entire Phoenix summer. I guess things are already looking up for me. Cheers!

My Mom Took Over The House

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Tue, 19 May 2009 14:21:35 PDT

So yeah ... After spending the weekend back in Phoenix moving my Mom
into our old house ... She was effective at converting the house back
to almost exactly the same dated way it looked when we bought it 6
years ago. *eyeroll*

Much On My Mind

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:15:05 PDT

It's interesting how much my life has changed in just a few short months. I'm sitting here in the living room of our new 4th floor apartment with the sliding glass door to our balcony open, enjoying the cool night air, listening to the sounds of the city and looking out at the high rise apartments across the way on Barrington Street. It's a scene somewhat like this, which I've played in my mind for some time now, but not something which I expected this quickly.

I'll have to admit that I'm still a little shaken from the quick uprooting of my life from the suburbs of the Phoenix area to the city life of Los Angeles. It's not that that the change was unwanted, it was just unexpected. Unexpected and perhaps not on exactly my own terms which made the entire move a little more difficult. I've been playing the positive attitude, telling everyone how much I love it here, and how glad I am to finally be out of Phoenix, all the while masking the doubt and fear I'm keeping hidden inside myself. Don't get me wrong, I do really like it here and it is 10x better then Phoenix, but it's different and just a little overwhelming to say the least. I became very comfortable in Phoenix over the last 7 years, maybe too comfortable, and while I feel like I've been wanting to escape from there for a while now, I can't help to think that life was just simply easier in Phoenix.

I think Justin and I are both in the same situation here. We both know that Los Angeles is such a better place for us, but we're both nervous about the entire situation. Trust me, it was not easy to leave the comfort of our 4-bedroom home to move into a 2 bedroom apartment. Downsizing and community living is not an easy task after you're used to suburban living. The downsizing and the pure increase in basic living cost of being in a place like Los Angeles both weigh in heavily on our inability to feel completely comfortable in this city.

Like anything I suppose it's just going to take time. I am happy here, which is a good start. I guess it's better then being miserable, which I'm sure is probably the other possibility, but a pretty non-typical emotion for me. In the end, it doesn't really matter where I am, as long as I have Justin and Berg, I'm at home and I'm sure I'll start to feel like Los Angeles is home in no time. Cheers.

Photo of Justin and I from March

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Mon, 11 May 2009 22:24:01 PDT

I was looking through some photos from our Atlantis Caribbean Cruise aboard on the Celebrity Solstice in March and I found this one. I think it's a cute photo of Justin and I.

Getting Settled in Los Angeles

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Mon, 11 May 2009 00:42:10 PDT

It's been a hectic few weeks here. Not only did Justin and I finally gather our belongings from our house in Phoenix, but we already moved into a different apartment in Los Angeles. I'm not sure what we were thinking but apparently our 4 bedroom house didn't consolidate down into a 1-bedroom apartment very well. After trying, and I do mean trying, to fit everything into the 1-bedroom, we found out a much larger 2-bedroom just up the hall from our apartment came available. It was perfect, so we jumped on it and took it, which means we once again had to move.

So with that said Justin and I have been spending the past 2 weeks between moving, unpacking and more unpacking. It's going to take some time, and we have a year that we're committed to here, so we're taking our time. I'll be glad when everything is done and we can just relax.

Other then that I'm still loving every minute of being in Los Angeles. I find new things to love about the city every day. I have quite a few stories already, but that will have to wait for another day. Cheers!

Black Party at the Factory

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Mon, 11 May 2009 00:58:01 PDT

On Saturday May 2nd, Justin, Cody, Jenna Marx, Greg & I went to the Black Party at the Factory in West Hollywood with DJ Paulo spinning. It was of course a great time.

A friend of Cody's, who is a professional photographer, took some photos before the party ...

Rich, Cody & Justin before the Black Party

Jenna Marx and Cody

I have to say it's an interesting change to have so many options in your own city. I mean to be able to just go over to a club to see someone like DJ Paulo on a random night without it really being a special event is definitely one of the perks of living in a city like Los Angeles. Cheers.

This is My Life ... Take it or Leave It.

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:07:07 PDT

Well if you haven't been privy to what's been going on in my life over the past few months you're probably a bit lost. That's alright, because I think I'm a bit lost too. Hmmm Lost in Los Angeles ... maybe that will be my new blog title, but I digress.

Anyway here's the short and sweet of it all. Things have been going great for the past 2 years. I was working for myself, happy and living the dream. I, like many others, thought my business and my career were going to be recession proof. Perhaps someone forgot to tell that too my clients when business dried up in December. It wasn't the end of the world, but it was unexpected and a bit of a shock. So I was left at that time with a major decision to make. Go out and find new clients, or look for a full time job. Full time job you say? I know the horrors right? Well you have to do what you have to do when you have responsibilities to shoulder. Finding a full time job was going to be a shorter turnaround then looking for new clients in a recession.

I first thought what was happening was a bad thing and was very emotional about it all. Whoa is me, why me, all that. But now that I look back on everything that happened and I realize that things had to happen exactly they way they did in order for me to end up back in California, something Justin and I have both been longing for over the past few years. Back to a big city and back to a place for some reason just feels more comfortable to us. I was told by one of my clients, who I also consider a friend, that sometimes something which appears negative at first glance is often really a positive when the entire situation is reviewed. This couldn't be any further from the truth.

After deciding to look for a full time job and put myself back into the market I also decided to take a break from my blog and actually take it offline for a while. I didn't think it was appropriate material for potential employers to know about me before first meeting me. I've always been upfront, honest and out there about my life and feelings, but something that's not conveyed by just reading my blog is the fact that I'm also qualified and skilled in my field and I've spent too many years of my life building up experience and a good solid technical background to let it be ignored by a bad first impression sometime may derive after finding and reading my blog. I'd rather someone meet me first before they decide to make any judgements about my professional qualifications. Ideally I shouldn't care, but that's a discussion left for another day.

So I started my search and much to my dismay and perceived marketability, the search started out pretty slow. I was getting hits in Phoenix, but nothing substantial, and nothing with much interest to me. So after waiting out the holiday season and then looking around Phoenix for a few weeks, I felt it was time to expand my job search. What the hell I thought, I had nothing to loose, so I decided I was going to take a no-holds barred approach to my job search and explore options wherever they come up. I started talking to people in Washington D.C., Chicago, Boston and other cities throughout the United States. The job search started to look much more promising. I thought well hell if I'm getting all these hits outside of Phoenix, I might as well focus on somewhere I really wanted to be ... California. Justin and I had a long discussion and I decided to start seriously looking at jobs in San Diego, San Francisco and Los Angeles. I applied to a few jobs and much to my surprise I received a call from a recruiter with a position that fit my background so tightly it was almost as if it was tailored for me from the start. Long story short, after several conversations with this company, a face-to-face interview, reference checks and a personality test I received an offer and was on my way out to Los Angeles, and that's the story of how I got here.

With all that said, I can now say I'm actually very happy to be here in Los Angeles. When I said everything had to happen exactly as it did, I truly mean that otherwise I wouldn't have been able to gather the support of my family and friends to make a move of this caliber. I don't think it was divine intervention, because I don't really subscribe to that, but I do think a little bit of positive thinking didn't hurt.

The first questions everyone had on their mind were ... "What about Justin?", "What about Berg?", "What about your house in Phoenix?" As it turns out it's not really as complicated as we originally though it was going to be. Justin decided to speak with his management at BofA and immediately started pursuing the option to transfer to a position within the bank in Los Angeles. After a bit of back and forth, I'm happy to say that he was able to finally get the transfer approved and will be moving out to join me in Los Angeles in the matter of a few weeks. Berg will be coming out with Justin and as for the house, we've decided to keep it for the time being and just have my Mother move in there to take care of it for a while. It's a win/win situation for everyone.

I'm not going to say that the past 2 months haven't been difficult. Finding my way around a new city, and being without Justin and Berg have been really hard to stomach but unfortunately a necessary situation. Justin and I were willing to make the sacrifice in the short term in the hopes that everything would work themselves out in the long term, and that's exactly what appears to be happening.

So far I love Los Angeles, and I'm really looking forward to having Justin and Berg with me to start our new life in La La Land. It's going to be quite an adventure for us and hopefully will be a positive new time in our lives, something we both desperately need right now. So, I hope this entry answers a few questions and brings some clarity to what's been going on in my life lately. I'm looking forward to the future and continued writing. Cheers!

I'm Back.

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:11:59 PDT

Yes it's true, I'm BACK!. There is so much to tell, so much to talk about, but all in due time. Let's just say that 2009 is setting itself up to be a very memorable year for me.

There have been a lot of changes in my life, including the fact that I'm now living in Los Angeles! Shocked? Yes me too too, sort of, but that's a long story better left for another day. All in due time.

With that said, I really wanted to redesign my blog before coming back online but with everything going on in my life at the moment I simply have not had time yet. I have decided that it's important to me to start writing again, so here I am and I'll eventually get to the redesign sometime this year.

So stay tuned and I'll fill everyone in on what's been going on in my life over the past few months very soon. Cheers!

Taking It Offline For a While!

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:01:08 PDT

I would like to take a moment and thank everyone who, over the past 10 years, has ever stopped by this website to read my blog and follow my life. Started by me in 1994 as a technical test site, this website eventually evolved to become a chronicle of my life and gave hundreds of daily readers a little insight into the mind of Rich Brown.

I've hit a point in my life where I've decided to embark upon some major changes, both personally and professionally. It was a difficult decision for me to make, but at the present time I've decided to temporarily shutdown my blog while I start out on this new chapter in my life. I thank you for your patience & understanding during this time and please check back periodically for the release of my new blog and the complete redesign of my website.

If you have any questions or comments please email me at rich@cyrek.net and I�ll be more then happy to get back to you as soon as possible.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:09:09 PST

Well like I fool I put all my eggs in one basket. I've been working for one main client over the past two years and on Tuesday I was told there was no more work. It wasn't all that unexpected, I just didn't think it would happen before Christmas like this. Now I'm sitting here scrambling to find a new contract or a new position to hold me over. On the positive side there seem to be many technology contracts available for someone with my advanced skill set. I'm probably going to have to take a position out of Phoenix for a while if not permanently which is absolutely fine with me anyway because I've been looking for a change at this point anyway. I'm just irritated this happened right before Christmas. Cheers.

I Love My Blog But ...

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 14:43:42 PST

I'm ready for a change. This is somewhat symbolic of the way I've been feeling towards just about everything these days, but I think I'll start with my blog and take if from there. Obviously as I said the other day I haven't been posting that much over the past month or two, but as of late I've been in the mood to write, I'm just ready for an overhaul of the website and blog template. Sometimes I wish I were unskilled and lazy because then I could just pop in a new blog template and be done with it, but unfortunately as a former web developer, I take pride in coming up with my own website design and I also use it as somewhat of a showcase of the fact that I still have some web design skills. Doing this design takes some thought, time and energy, none of which I've had for any personal technology projects once I'm finished with my normal work day. Anyway, work with my clients might be facing a bit of an unfortunate slowdown here soon, so I'll have a little time to get back in front of the computer for some personal time to redesign my website and the template that drives my blog. Cheers!

Happy Anniversary! 8-Years Today!

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:47:09 PST

May 2001, Justin and I in San Francisco a few months after we started dating.

That's right it's that day again, December 12th. Today is my 8-year anniversary with Justin. It's been a crazy 8 years filled with both good times and bad times. In the end the good times have far outnumbered the bad times, which is why we absolutely love each other and continue to have so much fun together. Justin is not only my partner but also my best friend and my life wouldn't be complete without him. I love you Pickle and I'm looking forward to many more years together.

Oct 2008, Justin and I during the White Party on the Atlantis Cruise to Mexico.

Milk The Movie ... Go See It!

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 21:26:46 PST

Last night Justin, Jerry and I went to see Milk. After living for a few years in San Francisco I was already familiar with Harvey Milk and his story, but none the less this was a very emotional and touching movie. What surprised me most was that many of my emotions were triggered as a result of the detailed portrayal of the Gay Rights Movement of San Francisco which Harvey Milk basically led, and took place during this time frame in the late 1970's. I feel like we've lost so much ground in the 80's and we're just now starting to get back to the basics and starting to become motivated again to fight for our civil rights.

Anyway, Sean Penn did an absolutely phenomenal job in his portrayal of Harvey Milk and the movie was well done. Surprisingly the movie theatre was packed, and from what I could tell a majority of the people in the movie theatre were trying to pull themselves & their emotions together as they left the theatre. I personally was a mess throughout the movie, and found it very difficult to contain my emotions because this movie hits home in so many ways. I would highly recommend going to catch this movie if you have the opportunity. Cheers

Day Without A Gay

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 10:07:22 PST

Today It Stops

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:25:08 PST

Obviously I've been too preoccupied with my real life these days to actually sit down and write much more then a few status updates on Facebook, or so it seems. I've been so disgusted and depressed with the state of things lately. The economy, my retirement account, faltering friendships, the passing of every hateful marriage amendment on the ballots, my career and just life in general. I just haven't found the energy or will to want to write about anything. Aside from the forced smile and attempt at portraying being happy and in a good mood, I've really been self-loathing and borderline depressed over life.

Every time I've considered writing, I've questioned myself, asking what is there to write about that everyone doesn't already know. The economy is in the toilet and while the election of Mr. Obama brought about a glimmer of hope, it was overshadowed in the LGBT community by the the passing of new amendments in California, Arizona, Arkansas & Florida which restrict my civil rights as a gay man and human being. I've had the feeling that my opinion doesn't matter anymore and the only words that seem to come to mind these days are words of disgust, anger and bitterness.

I'm finally coming to the realization that this negativity which I've been carrying around with me for the past few months has to stop. I need to stop preoccupying my time worrying about the future and engaging in self destructive behavior that's never really going to fulfill me in the end, and get back to doing the things that enrich my life and allow me to be truly happy again.

I've decided that today is that day that all this stops. Today is the day when I stop looking behind me, stop worry about whats going to happen tomorrow and start living my life again. Today is the day when I once again choose put aside all the anger, fear and hate, and return to become a happy, healthy and productive member of society. Cheers!

Prop 8 - The Musical

rich@cyrek.net (Rich Brown) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:31:49 PST

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die