If you’re in the San Diego area, come see us at the California Center for the Arts in Escondido for our Christmas Shorts-stravaganza! We’ll be there, up on stage, on the 16th of December. There will be many suprises, one of which I’ll spoil. I will wrestle a bear while Kevin, dressed as a cowboy, saddles up a gorilla and rides him WHILE AT THE SAME TIME Bill performs his knife throwing act on Crispin Glover!* (”Weird Al” Yankovic will also be there.)

As a bonus, we WILL be wearing the shorts pictured above.

_{*May not actually occur.}

http://www.ncm.com/Fathom/Comedy/RiffTrax_Xmas_Live.aspx

Well, OK, let’s have some official information about out new RiffTrax Live show!!!!!

Q: When?

A: Wednesday, 12/16 and an encore (rebroadcast) on Thursday 12/17 at 8:00pmET / 7:00pmCT / 6:00pmMT and 8:00pmPT (tape delay)

Q: Where?

A: Close to 500 movie theaters across the country. Find out your nearest theater and buy tickets by entering your zip code here

Q: Where is it being broadcast from?

A: The California Center for the Arts in Escondido.  Escondido is a few miles up the highway from RiffTrax HQ in San Diego, and is among other things, the home of the Stone Brewery where we show movies during the summer. It’s a great theater

Q: When do tickets go on sale for that show?

A: Sometime next week. Follow us on twitter for the up to date announcements about it: http://twitter.com/rifftrax

Q: We don’t want to use twitter because ________

A: It’s the best way to get this info. We’ll try to post here, but no guarantees.

Q: Weird Al!?!?!

A: We know! It’s going to be awesome. He’s guest riffing with us for the first time since Jurassic Park!!!

Q: What’s the program consist of ?

A: Shorts! Lots of them. And the vast majority of them are brand new! Most of them are completely bizarre things you’ve never seen before.

Q: Why is The Onion’s logo on the email?

A: Because they are sponsoring our show. Awesome, right?

Q: Why isn’t the show at my theater?

A: This is not our decision nor is it something we have control over. Please contact your local theater and ask them if they’re capable of showing Fathom Events. A few people were able to get theaters to add our last show just by reaching out to their theater managers.

Q: Why is this not available outside the US?

A: Again, not our decision, that’s just how the Fathom system works as of now.

Q: Why isn’t this LIVE on the west coast?

A: Because that would be at five PM and not many people would be able to make it.

Q: Do we need to buy tickets in advance?

A: Why not? Plenty of theaters sold out last time, why risk it?

Any other questions? Let us know!

…Okay. Well, that pretty much wraps up our visit with Devendra.  We’ll check in again in a year or so.

Both have new songs on the menu, and I made a video for the Planet of Dinosaurs one.  Check it out, and pick up Planet of Dinosaurs and Voodoo Man on DVD!

Yes, the existence of these quarters was long considered to be a mere rumor, the Loch Ness Monster of the currency world (I covered the Bigfoot here.)  But then on a trip through Oregon, I received the District of Columbia quarter and realized that I would eventually have to cover these guys to bring the Most Awesome State Quarter tournament to an official close.

Would any of the quarters have stood a chance in the original tournament?  Short answer: absolutely not.  Let’s face it.  These quarters are going to be the first time most American’s have heard of any of these places, and as far as first impressions go, many of them don’t measure up.  Could they have eliminated Ohio?  Of course. Minnesota? Obviously. But Alaska? Please.

But just because they couldn’t snag a spot in the finals, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t review the Territory Quarters, (actual official name: the “2009 District of Columbia and U.S. Territories Quarter Program”. Because they wanted something catchy. )

American Samoa

Known for: inventing the best variety of Girl Scout Cookie
What they put on the Quarter instead: The Roman Colosseum and a pencil topped with Treasure Troll hair
Thoughts: Do they still make those Trolls? Who owns the rights to those things?
State Quarter it most resembles: The round thing, undoubtedly some structure of great historical import that was probably built before America was independent, reminds me of the wheel of cheese on Wisconsin’s

Guam

Known for: The legendary Led Zeppelin “Live From Guam” bootleg, where Robert Plant is showered with boos after he mistakenly says “It’s great to be here in Detroit!”
What they put on the quarter instead: A birdbath
Thoughts: Doesn’t Guam look a lot like Lake Michigan? Don’t they both look vaguely-wangish? Can you use the phrase “Vaguely-wangish” in a sentence today?
State Quarter it most resembles: Michigan crossed with Rhode Island (Note: first time this combination has ever been used to describe anything)

Puerto Rico

Known for: Hall of Famer Roberto Clemente
What they put on the quarter instead: A building which, though it remains unidentified, I am positive must be connected to Roberto Clemente in some way. Dude’s like Bob Marley in Jamaica down there.
Thoughts:  I wonder what the top of that tower looks like on Google Earth
State Quarter it most resembles: New Mexico’s motto “Land of Enchantment” is pretty exotic sounding, but by adding on “Is” to the front of it, Puerto Rico’s not only gets to be more exotic, but gets them more points in Scrabble

District of Columbia

Known for: Mayor once said “Bitch set me up”. Also, capitol of entire nation.
What they put on the quarter instead: Duke Ellington, emphasizing the proud musical heritage of DC, a heritage that came to a screeching halt with the advent of Go-Go
Thoughts: The nickname “Duke” really ought to make a comeback. Also, in the spirit of DC vendors, perhaps they should have gone with a bootleg shirt of Calvin with “Taxation without representation” printed underneath it.
State Quarter it most resembles:  Alabama. Putting famous people who lived well into the 20th century is a bold maneuver employed only by DC, Alabama and California (John Muir died in 1914, but his beard lived on into the early 1950s)

Northern Mariana Islands

Known for: Surprising people that it is a US Territory
What they put on the quarter instead: Paradise
Thoughts: Where is this place and how do I get there.
State Quarter it most resembles: Bears an eerie resemblance to Maine, though I doubt the Mariana’s have bone-chilling winters or horror authors who once wrote a short story from the perspective of a castaway who keeps a journal as he slowly eats himself. On second thought, maybe I’ll avoid any island journeys.

US Virgin Islands

Known for: Kicking the British Virgin Islands ass in softball
What they put on the quarter instead: Some crap about pride and hope
Thoughts: Obviously a ploy to downplay the island’s attractiveness to deter Spring Breakers. May as well have printed “Nothing to see here, Arizona State students!  Keep moving! The cops at Lake Havasu totally look the other way with drinking!”
State Quarter it most resembles: Bird, tree and flower are all traits shared by Oklahoma and South Carolina.  This is where the similarities end, however.

Neo apparently can’t piece it together either, and we came up with this deleted scene of their extended conversation:

Ah, America, America, God Bless America! We British invented America, of course, back in medieval times. But, as with so many of our inventions, we couldn’t work out how to make any money out of it and in the end we got bored and let it loose to fend for itself.

When I meet Americans for the first time, they invariably ask me two questions. The first is: “What did you just say? I can’t understand your accent.” To which I always reply: “I don’t have an accent, sir. You do. Now please listen more carefully.”

The second invariable question is: “Can you explain to me, as briefly but clearly as possible, how the British political system works, and is it anything to do with the Sword in the Stone?”

To which my answer is “Yes, and Yes.” However, one of the most common misconceptions about the British constitution is that the Monarchy is hereditary. Not so. Certainly it’s true that our current Queen, Elizabeth II, can trace her ancestral line directly back to King Arthur, but so can all the rest of us, nothing special about that (Arthur was notoriously promiscuous and sired many bastards).

The little-known truth is that ever since 1066, the Monarch has been decided by a tough multi-discipline contest, known as the ‘Commonwealth Games’. Held every fifty years or whenever we fancy it, the Games follow strict rules laid down by Oliver Cromwell in the Magna Carta.

Events in the competition include Jousting, Archery, Rhetoric, KerPlunk, Horsemanship and All-In Fighting. This last event is particularly revered. Rare footage of Queen Victoria defending her sovereignty against Lambert ‘The Young Pretender’ Simnel in the 1901 Games has recently been unearthed, while Elizabeth herself claimed the throne in 1928 in an epic 22-round fight against her mother - a proper scrap that really gripped the nation.

In more recent times, here’s Her Majesty in action against the Duchess of Yarmouth in 1997:

I hope that clears up at least a few of the questions you might have about the constitution of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. If you have any more queries on any matters British, just ask and I will do my best to answer them. Or if you happen to be British yourself, ask me something about the USA because I know all about that too, plus loads of other stuff.

Because it was such a success, the Rifftrax Live show from Nashville WILL be rebroadcast in theaters around the country sometime… in the FUTURE!

(The very near future, actually. Stay tuned for details.)

Damn, was that fun.  Rifftrax Live was beamed nationwide Thursday night with only a few satellite glitches along the way. The show rocketed by for those of us onstage, and the live theater audience in Nashville was the kind you want to take home with you.  And as reports around the country have come in, I’m even more amazed.  Hearing that people of all ages joined in singing about eating brains is the kind of thing that doesn’t happen at most movies.

I want to thank Legend’s pair of David Martins, who were everywhere they were needed before they were asked.  For those who laughed during the pre-show slides, give a round of applause to Rifftrax writer Conor Lastowka who cooked up the funny and served it as a brilliant crowd warmer-upper.  Thanks to our production guys and gals in Nashville, and to Erik and crew back at Rifftrax for keeping the site from going the way of Bela Lugosi.

Of course Big thanks to Veronica Belmont for deftly navigating our weirdness and keeping the whole thing out of the “Boyz-Only” club.  Thanks to Rich Lowtax Kyanka and his videos, which make me laugh every time I see them.  And to Jonathan Coulton for his steady supply of talent, funny and as our own Bridget would say, terrific phrasing.

Most of all, a heartfelt thanks to all of you for showing up.  You made all the difference, you made it that much more fun.  It’s a good bet we’ll be doing this again.

*
*
*

BILL adds –

A post-show photo courtesy of David G. Martin: The Cast of This Evening’s Play.

N.B.: As this picture shows, I am constantly distracted by my Skoal-chewing. And Kevin is NOT allowed to touch people.

Here’s how it works: you go here and purchase your RiffTrax Live tickets. http://is.gd/2hekt <—Then tweet that link, the location of your theater, and the hashtag #rifftraxlive and voila! You’re entered to win the iPod touch! We’ll give it away live during the show AND we’ll give every single person in your theater a free RiffTrax! Live, we’ll do it. That’s how we’ll do it: Live! Not not-live, but Live!* (Entry will close midnight on August, 19th. Example of a tweet, “RT @rifftrax #rifftraxlive http://is.gd/2hekt Swayzeville 13, Swayzeville, Kansas! Win an iPod. http://is.gd/2kBs4” <– A link to this post, in case you have room and want to get fancy.)

RiffTrax Live! Veronica Belmont, Lowtax, Jonathan Coulton, Free iPods, free RiffTrax, free photo, free song - let’s be honest. It makes the last, oh, twelve World Fairs look like a total snooze-fest.

*We do ask that you offer some reasonable proof that you were at the show. Mailing us a ticket stub will work, or emailing a photo.

Thursdays of the future will feel ashamed when they look back on the glory of this coming Thursday, August 20, 2009, the date of RIFFTRAX LIVE across the U.S.A.:

Help shame future Thursdays! (Which is a dream we all share…)

Come to Rifftrax Live!

The person who took the above video would have us believe that the creatures frollicking in this lawn sprinkler are baby moose. This is puzzling to me because they bear little resemblance to the creature seen below.

Most of you will hopefully recognize Moose Baby, the star of our latest short “The Tale of Moose Baby.” If you haven’t, I invite you to go check it out right now, as it is possibly my favorite short we’ve come across so far.

Still not convinced?  Perhaps this video will push you over the edge:

What’s that?  It didn’t work and now you’re just confused and frightened?  Dammit!

If you’re a winner, please email support@rifftrax.com with your Name, mailing address and if you won tickets, the theater you’d like to see the show at.  (Remember, a list of theaters carrying RiffTrax Live on Thursday, 8/20 can be found here.)

Three Winners get a pair of tickets to RiffTrax Live!

This entry from “Kevin” references my favorite line from the ultra-grim short (my favorite kind) about misfit kids, Each Child is Different.

This entry, from Danny Gallagher, references a line said by Kevin in the surprisingly mega-popular RiffTrax for Twilight. The line, to reiterate, is said by Kevin.

This entry is from Creighton S. and references a line from our Pirates of the Caribbean RiffTrax

That’s it for the tickets.  But we have here two special entries that we’d also like to reward with a signed lobby poster for the Plan 9 show.  Call them the Judges Private Selection if you will.  See if you can identify the common thread:

Pjwaldron came up with this The Room referencing caption

And Landon Cowan came up with this Room related one, that no matter how dark and evil it is, still made me laugh.

Thanks to everyone who entered, and be sure to come out and see us on Thursday, 8/20 for RiffTrax Live!!!

Since this is an amazing show featuring our funniest riffs of Plan 9 yet, an unreleased short, and the talented contributions of Veronica Belmont, Jonathan Coulton and Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka, I figured what better way to promote it than by recaptioning some old Family Circus cartoons!

All you have to do is take any of these Family Circus cartoons and recaption them with an (in)appropriate RiffTrax riff or quote from a RiffTrax’d movie.  Paraphrasing is OK, but I have to understand what you’re getting at.  Make me laugh, and win a pair of tickets.  We’ll pick winners at the end of the day tomorrow and you’ll get your tickets in the mail.  Be sure you specify which cartoon your caption is for!

A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

F.

G.

H.

I.

For all the info about our RiffTrax Live event, check out the page here.  Also included is a box for you to enter your zip code to see the nearest theater.

Know that during our 8/20 Rifftrax Live show, Kevin, Mike and I will perform contortions that put these woman to shame!

(…Wait, that’s NOT a selling point?)

It’s mercurial, this internets of ours, unpredictable and volatile.  The tubes get clogged, people wail and weep, but the sun rises and sets and the local bakery still has crullers on special.  Here at Rifftrax we’ve had the hard crashes that come from being swamped with attention.  It’s not fun, but it’s oddly comforting  to know that we’re not the only ones.

So here’s a suggestion: Today, use the time you’d normally waste on Twitter here.  Maybe download and enjoy one of our shorts.  Or order tickets to our August 20th nationwide live show in theaters everywhere.  Drop in on the forum and discuss movies, social networking, breakfast meats, whatever strikes your fancy.  Then maybe take a walk.  it’s a nice day here; if you have rain, bring an umbrella, or get a little wet.  You could even head down to the local bakery and get yourself a cruller.

Why hell, you could have a nice conversation!  For instance: This is what we in the Midwest call a cruller, particularly in Wisconsin:

Whereas many of you in other parts of the country call this a cruller:

We call that a French donut, which makes it no less delicious.  There, see?  we’re having a conversation, learning about each other without any social networking. In fact, why don’t you folks give us and each other some ideas on what to do when your favorite social networking service is offline.  And enjoy a potentially Twit-free day.

-kwm

See what I mean?  By the way, Tor’s on the left. Tor’s a bit easier to understand than Vin, even with the former’s thick Scandinavian accent.  Whereas Tor’s blunt tenor dialogue delivery puts me in mind of a slab of aluminum pig, the deep mumbly register of Vin’s voice has been known to set off car alarms.  As for raw acting ability, it’s a toss-up for me.  But there’s enough of Tor in Vin to get your cinematic taste buds primed for August 20th.

In the meantime, here’s a  quick and easy summer recipe inspired by the plot of Fast and Furious.

FAST AND FURIOUS POTATO SALAD
Serves 8-10 as a side dish

6 lbs. large russet potatoes, skin on
1- Mossberg 590 Mariner 8+1 12 gauge shotgun
6 - shells 00 buckshot
1 - 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS LS6 454 (preferably red)
Salt and pepper to taste

- BEAT potatoes one by one with your bare fists until soft.
-FIRE one round of buckshot into each shell, distributing shot evenly as possible
-PULVERIZE potatoes by driving over them with Chevelle until well mixed
-Season with salt and pepper.

But hey, their suffering is our joy! Click on the poster for info, or just go right to the sample.

And, hey, if you think you’ve got what it takes, head on over to iRiffs, read the FAQs, and make your own. If you’re funny enough, we’ll feature you as a RiffTrax Presents.

Congratulations again to Doug, Rob, and Brian. Well done, guys!

And here is a pic of their biggest fan:

In short, The Room fever here at RiffTrax shows no sign of abating, so as I listened to the back to back combo of Revolver/Rubber Soul last night, I was inspired to make this video, that I acknowledge is very dumb, but it still makes me laugh:

“What Goes On” Wiseau Remix

If you still haven’t checked out of RiffTrax of The Room, WHAT ON EARTH IS TAKING YOU SO LONG!?!?