There was a feel-good article in the Guardian the other day about laughter classes in Tehran.

God knows there’s lots to laugh about. Here’s a comic speech given by the infamously deadpan Ayatollah Khomeini:

Allah did not create man so that he could have fun. The aim of creation was for mankind to be put to the test through hardship and prayer. An Islamic regime must be serious in every field. There are no jokes in Islam. There is no humor in Islam. There is no fun in Islam. There can be no fun and joy in whatever is serious.

Like orthodox Jews who say that a woman should never sing in the presence of men for fear of inciting desire, or Christian sects who still think there’s something sinful about theater, humans have often tended to make life miserable for one another under the flag of purity.

When I was in Iran in 1997, people were too nervous to play any kind of music in the street unless the undercover morality police would turn up. Music led to dancing, soon boys and girls would be meeting and the whole moral fabric of society would be threatened. The rather embarrassing effect of this was that each time I got out my clarinet or harmonica to practice, a crowd would form within minutes.

“I’m sorry, I’m really not that good.” I’d tell them but they looked at me as though I was a rock star.

Iranians have been living under the choking grip of a puritanical regime for 30 years now and the only real reason to laugh about it is so as not to cry.

Paco Lucia comes from an Andalucian family deeply steeped in flamenco, his father a flamenco guitarist and his brothers also singing and playing as Paco was growing up. He made his debut on Radio Algeciras in 1958 at the age of 11 and in the next half century has taken flamenco to the world stage.

He collaborated with flamenco singer Cameron de la Isla and also enjoyed fruitful years with virtuoso, John McClaughlin and Al di Meola.

But impressive guitar speed aside, it’s Paco Lucia’s ear, his haunting renditions of classics and versatility of style and genre that makes him the favourite guitarist of millions across the world.

“I’ll never trust another old person,” Bart Simpson once said, and for that nugget of wisdom I’ve always half-respected him. The fact is the elderly are as capable of screwing you over as a menacing looking teenager, or a hard ass, stone face punk twenty-something. Worse, the elderly won’t just take you for a ride… they’ll say they ‘fleeced’ you and call you a ‘sucker’. Of course, if you trust the elderly, you can have no complaints about being called a ‘sucker’. That’s just exactly what you are.

And that’s exactly what I am. A sucker. A pure-bred, plain-as-day sucker. I met an old man and let him have his wicked way, and he damn well did it on national TV. No, not Korean national TV, which is of interest only to Koreans, and which is so backward and racist that no one takes it serously… but the BBC!

Being fleeced like a rube on the BBC is like being pantsed at your wedding, or outed at your funeral. It makes you look more foolish for not realizing that you were being watched… by several million people. You didn’t just fail to notice one person rape your dignity – you failed to notice an audience of millions, or their cameras, lighting or sound equipment.

I was in Busan for the weekend – the biggest port city in Korea, and the fifth biggest in the world. There are gangsters, hookers and miscreants in Busan, and more than once have I found myself in a world of trouble and adventure. But I never saw this one coming.

My girlfriend, Amy, and I were looking for the world famous fish market, where live, raw and cooked fish are bought, sold and eaten. Koreans will eat ANYTHING they find in the sea, and fish markets are consequently fun tourist traps for uninitiated Westerners.

It was nighttime when we stepped off the subway and instantly became lost. I was barefoot – as always – and the fish blood and guts that ran ankle deep in the street proved quite the stomach-turner, as my feet turned bright red. We watched animals being skinned alive by half-dead old women in floral dresses and giant rubber boots, and fed alive to drunken old men at blue plastic tables. We saw crabs the size of car tires and people eating live octopuses that tried fruitlessly to escape. It was both a freak show and a glimpse into another culture – one where the suffering of animals is requisite for a family day out.

But everything looked the same. Each street was the same as the last, and they all meandered back and forth in the darkness. It was a confusing place. We were truly lost.

“Can I help you? An elderly man asked us, in Korean. We asked him where “the fish market” was, and he told us in poor English what we already knew – that there were dozens of fish markets all around the area. We asked him about the biggest, best, most famous one…

Soon we were tearing through backstreets, after this weird old man. In Korea, if you’re old, you stop for no one. It was hard to keep up, as the people who jumped out of his way deliberately walked into ours. But every now and then he’d stop and ask someone something. I liked that he was the first Korean person I’d met who didn’t refer to me in racist terms or laugh with other Koreans about me in a language they thought I didn’t understand.

He won my trust.

Finally, we came to a huge bird-shaped building by the water, and the old man assured us that we were in the right place. Outside, there were a few signs in English, which meant they wanted tourists to come here, and so it was probably what we were looking for. We tried to thank and ditch the guy, who seemed to be finding a table for three.

“I buy,” he said. “I buy food, keep you safe.” He smiled a lot and looked oh-so-innocent. We wanted dinner alone, without the awkward language and cultural gap, but reluctantly, we accepted his offer. We sat down and he immediately began talking to the large family at the table beside us, and scored several free dishes of fish heads. I never noticed that he was conning them, or that he was more subtly conning us.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/imcomkorea/

The first plate of food arrived and I saw something new, after a year and a half in Korea. There were pink and purple wormy-eely things flopping about on the plate… The old man picked one up with his chopsticks and ate it, with a red sauce. We both ate one – not bad. It tasted of nothing much, and the texture wasn’t as bad as you’d expect from eating a living being.

“Red sauce, Korea sauce; green sauce, Japan sauce.” He shook his head as he pointed at the wasabi.

There was a plate of yellow things, too, which seemed to have tentacles, and were also alive. They tasted alright, too. Nothing I’d willingly eat in the future, but not entirely awful.

We ordered two bottles of soju, and the elderly man – who finally introduced himself to us as Mr Kim – conversed with the family beside us. He seemed to have no issues with imposing himself upon others, and his social skills were admirable. Pretty soon we were all absorbed into the family, whom spoke unusually good English.

More food came. It was good sashimi, and there was lots of it. Soon we were all drunk and talking. I tried to speak the occasional word or sentence in Korean, which they appreciated. It was a lot of fun. Mr Kim’s son was living in America, and Mr Choi’s son was living in England. They both tried to teach Amy and I about Korea, taking immense pride in the fact that Korean food is better than Japanese food… They kept saying Korea was “number one!” and that Japan, China, Vietnam, the Philippines, and Russia are all dirty and immoral. Also, white people are evil, but have lots of money and so are tolerated…

I didn’t care, though. I’d been in Korea long enough to ignore racism and pretend to like the place. “Oh yeah,” I lied. “Korea is very beautiful – much nicer than Japan!”

They explained why kimchi was the best food in the world, and I faked agreement. They also let me know about other classic and predictable topics – Dokdo, Japan’s occupation, the importance of racial purity. Two charming old, twinkle-eye’d Hitlers.

Fuck the racist hicks, I thought. We need to eat their food, drink their soju, and make a break for it. We needed to get a hotel in a different part of the city, and it was getting late. But the old men were hard to shake. Mr Kim kept ordering soju and regaling us with his racist rhetoric.

Suddenly, a fight broke out. An old woman was shouting about having waited thirty minutes for her food, and demanded her money back. Another old woman was clearing tables and trying to ignore the deluge of insults, which were comprised of some of the harshest Korean swear-words I know. A younger woman pushed herself between the two, as the angry customer began to push and shove. She stuck money into the aggressor’s hand, which was accepted, but did not appease the woman. But it fooled the young one. She was a rube, like me.

As soon as her back was turned, one woman flew at the other, and in the mess of floral dresses and permed hair, I couldn’t tell who was who. There were cunt-punches and titty-twisters, hair-pulling and eye-gouging. Soon, though, they rolled out the door onto the balcony and out of sight. No one followed them; no one cared.

Mr Kim didn’t seem to notice. He just kept talking as normal – various nationalistic boasts. He kept informing us on Korean etiquette, too, of which we were both obviously aware, having been in Korea so long. We would pour with two hands, share food correctly, point our chopsticks away, and acknowledge all the rules and hierarchies of social gatherings.

When it came time to finally leave, Mr Kim showed us the bill, and broke a big rule himself – the eldest always pays for dinner. Every time I’d eaten or drank with Korean people – whether for business or pleasure – that has been the unbreakable rule. The eldest must always foot the bill… especially if they promised to do so while inviting you to eat with them.

Damnit! I said to myself. I’ve been fleeced like a rube. I took my wallet out and paid the extremely over priced bill – several times the cost of a standard restaurant. I was pissed, having been lied to and lectured by a hypocrite. But I was also glad to see the back of this bastard. Although the night had actually been enjoyable, I wanted to get away from the man whose company I’d enjoyed less than the food, and who’d referred to me numerous times as American, despite my having told him otherwise.

When we turned to stand up and put ours shoes on, I realized there was a film crew shooting a couple eating sashimi. This was no amateur affair, either. This was a big film crew, with expensive equipment. Two of the camera men were wearing National Geographic camera crew t-shirts.

Amy and I had sat with our backs to this for god-knows how long. Mr Kim, sitting opposite us, hadn’t said a word. I began to wonder if he was in cahoots with the film crew. Maybe they were filming a documentary about dumb foreigners being scammed.

“Go ask them what they’re doing,” Amy said, and I obliged, as I was filled with curiosity.

I walked over and asked plainly: “What are you filming?”

“We’re from the BBC,” a woman – possibly the director – explained. “We’re filming a documentary called ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, where six teams travel around the world without spending a penny on travel. We’re team four.”

“What are you doing in Busan?” I asked.

“We’re just passing through Korea… How long have you been here? What do you do?”

I told them I was a teacher and magazine editor. She looked disappointed, as though she wanted me to give some exciting, romantic story that I could regurgitate on camera.

“Were you just filming them?” I asked, pointing at the couple, who were still eating.

“Yes, mostly. We caught you, too, if that’s ok? You’ll be on TV in October.”

I turned and walked away. “Good luck!” I called back over my shoulder. I walked back to the table and Mr Kim handed me the bill, as though it were a fucking gift. He didn’t even say thank you, as we walked out, and he tried to make us pay for his taxi to the opposite end of the city.

Great, I thought. Fleeced like a sucker on the BBC.

We just found on Google Video a montage of scenes from the hilarious Foreign Babes in Beijing, the Chinese soap opera that inspired actress Racehl DeWoskin to write an excellent memoir of the strange cultural mirror that is television.

The scenes are delightfully kitsch, the acting wooden, the storyline as transparent as glass noodles, making Foreign Babes in Beijing an enlightening glimpse into modern Chinese attitudes according to TV.

Especially brilliant is a showdown between Robert, the American guy and his Chinese rival over Louise:

Robert: Why are you playing the game of wanting to learn English with Louise? What do you really want?

Tianliang: Don’t be so insulting, Mr Robert!

Robert: Yeah, I don’t think so. First you want English lessons. Now you’re putting your arms around her. Next you’ll have sex. Then a plane ticket to America. I know what you want… a green card!

Tianliang proceeds to kick the rude American’s ass.

Perhaps the most amusing thing is how the Chinese imagine they’re perceived. DeWoskin reports that they suppose Westerners consider Chinese people to be greedy and lazy. While Western girls are crazy, selfish and loose.

If only we could see the whole series. The only consolation is that a movie based on Foreign Babes in Beijing is in production.

South Korea has an unfortunate history of mass hysteria and severe paranoia, a result of gross national contempt for the world beyond its borders. Perhaps this is understandable for a nation so frequently abused by others and troubled by the outside world.

In spite of their attempts at ‘globalization’ and the ‘openness’ that has helped lift South Korea from the third world to the first, many Koreans still maintain a fear and loathing of anything non-Korean.

It says foreigners are unqualified and dangerous to let into your home
Image from Wandering Seoul

In recent years we’ve seen mass protests and violence any time a foreign country is perceived to have interfered in Korea’s business. Anti-American and anti-Japanese sentiments run high and even the most trivial of sparks can cause a humiliating explosion of popular racism. National pride and outright xenophobia run together to create a frighteningly – and dangerously – paranoid country.

So when Swine Flu broken out in Mexico back at the start of 2009, Korea reacted in unsurprising fashion – first by labeling it Mexican Flu, and then by denying it could be contracted by Korean people.

This is an old pattern here. Koreans like to believe their perceived racial superiority insulates them from the diseases and problems of the outside world. They believe their mighty national dish – kimchi – protects them from SARS, AIDS, and even homosexuality…

So naturally Swine Flu was perceived as something merely in the domain of the nasty outside world, and not to be worried about.

However, a certain level of logic and reason prevailed quickly enough and soon people became aware that Swine Flu could be passed onto Koreans. But they didn’t worry too much. The government recommended people eat more kimchi and not travel to dirty foreign countries, or associate with expats.

Suddenly Koreans were aware of Swine Flu and they knew it was in their country. But they weren’t too scared… Somehow everyone had the same idea – the only people in Korea who had the virus were foreigners.

It’s important to remember that this is a nation that has yet to implement any law prohibiting racism or any form of discrimination against non-Korean nationals. It is a nation frequently chastised by the United Nations and Amnesty International for its vicious treatment of anyone who doesn’t look Korean.

Dirty Foreigners Infecting Koreans With Swine Flu

So when it was decided that only foreigners had Swine Flu and that they were the ones who could pass it onto Koreans, certain measures had to be taken.

Soon non-Koreans were quarantined and subjected to “laws” that didn’t exist, and no one outside of Korea was meant to know. In fact, very few people inside Korea were meant to know. The whole thing was a big secret, perpetrated mostly by business owners.

But the trouble with oppression, racism and intimidation in this generation of Twitter, Blogger and Facebook is that keeping secrets is tough. I heard rumours online about foreigners being locked up and subjected to travel bans against their will. Later these rumours were confirmed by half the people I knew working around Korea. Their schools were implementing ‘secret’ policies to appease the parents, whom had become obsessed with the notion that foreigners would infect their children.

Schools began installing heat sensors and demanding their foreigners be checked daily for the Swine Flu. They were made to scrub their classrooms, wear masks in class and told that by no means could they associate with other non-Korean people.

It should be noted that no Korean teachers at these schools were ever required to jump through the same hoops as the foreigners, just as they aren’t required to submit HIV tests or criminal history checks.

Only a handful of foreign teachers contracted Swine Flu, and in doing so they broke their contracts and earned themselves unemployment and, consequently, deportation.

How paranoid can you get?
From Wandering Seoul

Taking a look around any hagwon-heavy area of a Korean city would have at one stage given a Korean-speaking non-Korean person a good laugh… Almost every school had a big sign outside, proclaiming:

OUR FOREIGNERS ARE FLU-FREE!

Of course, that didn’t stop subway trains full of people emptying when a foreigner set foot inside, or people from shouting Swine Flu! Swine Flu! on the street, whilst pointing at the only foreigner in sight. And it didn’t stop Samsung from making an advert that depicts all white people as pigs, running around a city as the mighty Koreans strut about without a care in the world…

But then reality dawned and Korea woke up to the fact that Koreans, just like the rest of us, are human beings, and as such are susceptible to viruses. And, in turn, that awareness didn’t stop the country from going into a panic meltdown.

As soon as it became evident that Koreans were in danger of dying from this no-longer-foreign virus, South Korea all but shutdown. The government instructed people to avoid gathering in groups, and banned all festivals and celebrations involving more than one thousand people.

Schools have been shut down periodically, due to low attendance and caution by the government. Parents are too afraid to send the children outside, and the education industry is suffering badly. Consequently, many schools hide Swine Flu cases, gagging parents of inflicted children to keep attendance steady, and causing the virus to spread faster.

But it’s not all bad. Sales of soap and hand sanitizer went through the roof in a country where washing your hands is really something that just doesn’t happen. Foreigners have rejoiced in the availability of soap in bathrooms around the country, whereas previous they had to simply rinse or go Korean. Many foreign bloggers even thank Swine Flu for making Korea a cleaner place to live.

Public campaigns have gained momentum in attacking other disease-spreading habits that have disgusted visitors to Korea for a long time – including spitting indoors and coughing directly into the face of another person.

In the past week the number Swine Flu cases in Korea has almost doubled and the government is talking about shutting down all schools for a short period. Foreign teachers are beginning to wonder whether they will keep their jobs or be cast out of the country en masse. The education industry is worth billions, but many schools simply can’t afford to close their doors.

Another concern is whether matters will improve for immigrants in Korea when the Swine Flu pandemic eventually blows away… Foreigners in Korea, like so many other parts of the world, are perfect scapegoats. Will they be forgiven for the treasonous offense of bringing Swine Flu to Korea?

In June 2010, 8 Westerners will go to leave civilisation behind and go to live on a tropical island. 6 are American, one English and one Spanish. It’s not a stunt, a cult or a fund-raising event for charity – they simply want to go and live by themselves in paradise.

Focaliser, Daniel Nash, spoke to Road Junky about the motives and practicalities of the Purposely Marooned Project.

RJ: Where and when are you going?

Nash: We are due to depart end of May to the beginning of June. This is because of the wet and dry seasons, it’s far better to go in between than during.

As far as where about let’s just keep it to inside the southern hemisphere.

RJ: Why would you want to maroon yourselves far from the modern world?

Nash: In my opinion there is so much more than working towards a house and possessions that you cant take with you when you die, the world’s a beautiful place and our time on it is short. The modern world is full of mindless distractions, after living in our ‘‘civilised’‘ society where shiny things are waved in front of our face with one hand and the other reaches around and robs your wallet I feel that its either now or never to try and make a change.

This takes a lot of stupidity and a small amount of bravery but if that is what is needed to reach a state of Ataraxia then so be it.

RJ: What will you live on?

Nash: So long as its possible to catch fish, grow fruit and vegetables, rear chickens and every now and again supplement our diet with a sack of rice then we can keep our diet varied and healthy.

There are so many plants that grow in the wild that are edible that we don’t know about, depending on where you are in the world. There’s sago, jack fruit trees, plantain, citrus fruits – the list goes on and on – don’t forget the coconut palm or tree of life as it’s known around the world.

RJ: Can 8 people really live together forever? Are there any couples among you?

All of us know it will be hard at times and that we will all want space from one another but life’s hard and we know living in close proximity in such a tough environment will be testing. If it wasn’t hard it wouldn’t be worth doing its only through difficulties that one truly knows ones self.

We are 6 men and 2 women and none of us are in a relationship. I did want a more even mix of sex but we are not going to meet a partner and the women I have spoke to see this trip as to much of a leap into the unknown. Strangely or not so strangely though most I spoke to said they would consider it once the first steps had been taken.

RJ: Will you have any kind of constitution or agenda worked out before you go? We’re guessing that there’s no boss or hierarchy…

Nash: We believe all to be equal no preference over sex, nationality or race we are all 61.8% water granted some personalities are stronger than others but all have an equal voice and all deserve to be heard.

RJ: What about medical emergencies? Childbirth? First aid?

Nash: This is obviously one of the main concerns and all we can do is learn as much as possible after all we are not going to be locking our selves off from the world merely distancing ourselves from it. So if something way beyond our meagre knowledge were to happen then obviously we would seek real medical help, all we can do is take precautions by getting our inoculations, learning what we can and being careful as far as pregnancy goes that decisions would be for the females of our group to decide. I certainly would not risk delivering a child in such a tough environment although it would be very interesting raising a child there it isn’t part of the plan.

RJ: What comforts/technology from the modern world will you take with you?

Nash: A few among us write and I believe that two people wish to bring tough notebooks with foldable solar chargers, I myself may take an Ipod or palm book and solar charger but it isn’t that important, We will be taking a GPS and some people have expressed interest in taking a BGAN Internet Anywhere Terminal which I think is a good idea as it would be great to keep a blog to show people something like this is possible. Lots of books, cards, kites, sports goods its all personal preference.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/27829568@N04/
Call it Paradise if you like…

RJ: Will you receive visitors from friends and family or ‘tourists’ who want to check out your way of life?

We have discussed this and once we are setup and only if we think the location would handle it. We want to live in harmony with our surroundings and not act like a virus which is what our current existence basically come down to. We all love our friends and family but if seeing them has to be sacrificed during this adventure then it’s worth it and it isn’t as if there isn’t a way to return.

RJ: Do you all propose to cut yourself off to the maximum or will you take ‘time out’ every now and then to visit civilisation?

Nash: We plan to supplement our diet with rice and want to have chickens, maybe even a cow, so we will be returning to the world and, on these occasions, I think we will all clamber at the opportunity to be one of the people who goes – be it for a cold beer or even just to hear some different voices. Hell, it might even be to meet a member of the world for fun – who knows?

RJ: Do you really think you’ll never come back?

Nash: Nobody can ever say never its just unrealistic, some people wish to do this for a few years some have expressed that they wish to do it forever but no one can ever say for certain they can only speculate.

I would just like to add that the risks for this trip have been made very clear to the members of the group and we all understand it could go terribly wrong on so many levels. We have to be both bold and stupid to undertake this. So with this in consideration I would prefer people to say I told you so after. I have great faith or it could be stupidity but we wont know unless we try.

‘‘In man’s life his time is a mere instant, his existence a flux, his perception fogged, his whole bodily composition rotting, his mind a whirligig, his fortune unpredictable, his fame unclear. To put it shortly. All things of the body stream away like a river, all things of the mind are dreams and delusions; life is warfare, and a visit to a strange land; the only lasting fame is oblivion‘

(Marcus Aurelius- Mediations)

RJ: If you do have Internet access we’d be thrilled to get updates, too.

Nash: I like the idea of others knowing it is going well simply because I haven’t seen it anywhere else and I would love to show people its possible to do something extraordinary, inspire others to achieve something that is considered stupidity.

[Road Junky wishes Purposefully Marooned the best of luck on this intrepid adventure. If any road junkies out there have any advice, tips or suggestions to offer, then they can contact Daniel Nash at Purposefully Marooned

He’s also trying to set up a second group to live on another island elsewhere in the world if anyone feels the urge to go and leave it all behind.]

Bangkok is the central hub of Thailand and is a world onto itself. Noisy, intense and packed full of life, it can be too much to bear unless you have a thick skin. Most use it as a transit point to the islands or a place to hole up and make some money teaching English.

Chiang Mai is Thailand’s second city. It receives the brunt of tourism to Northern Thailand and is a base for a lot of the trekking outfits heading to the northwest. It has a collection of bars and nightlife and a lot of the creature comforts of Bangkok.

Koh Chang is a major island southeast of Bangkok. It’s Thailand’s second largest island and quite beautiful, jutting out of the calm waters of the Gulf of Thailand. It’s a mountainous island covered in jungle and laced with white sand beaches, most of which have now been developed.

Mai Hong Son is a tranquil village far removed from everything. It is a very acceptable and cheap place to hang out when the chaos of the city has got you too stressed out. The town sits in a forested valley in the far northwest of the country, only a few miles from the Burmese border.

Phuket is the symbol of tourism gone horribly wrong. Patong beach is the center of the nightmare, a horrid disease of Scandinavian restaurants and Irish bars set against an overpopulated white sand beach.

Trat is a small, quiet city near the Cambodian border. It’s not a stunningly beautiful place, and it might not have a lot to offer in terms of tourism, but it is a decent town and holds its own as one of the cheapest parts of Thailand.

Koh Phangan still has its full and dark moon parties but don’t expect to find the wild parties of the 90’s here now. It’s sanctioned backpacker drunkenness for the most part but there are still cool corners on the island to check out.

Pai is a favourite among many travelers as a long term option in Thailand. It’s up high and so is much cooler than the rest of the country, allowing you to think straight for once. It’s changing fast though and while there are still cool bars and music sessions happening around town, it becomes less alternative by the year.

Few cities have the notoriety of Bangkok. The world over, it’s a city associated with heat, sex, booze, and drugs. Indeed, it can be a weird place. Walk down the street in Patpong or Khao San Road at midnight absorbed in a sea of drunken tourists and transvestite whores and you’ll feel one hell of a long way from Kansas.

The police and municipal government have tried their best to put down some control over the tourist hordes. For a while, most bars and convenience stores were required to stop selling booze after midnight, although as recently as February, 2009 these rules seemed to be pretty lax.

In reality, Bangkok is one of the world’s loneliest cities. It’s a place where everyone seems to be selling something, and all the foreigners are so hung up on themselves and their drunken binging that there’s little room for friendly conversation or human decency. It’s a place where you can grab a big bottle of booze and sit in the street getting hammered and no one will bother you or even give you a second look.

The best thing to do in Bangkok is wander around at night. Beyond the hedonism of the tourist areas, the traveler can often stumble across amazing things in Bangkok at night. Take for example the giant gold plated statue of the Buddha not far from Khao San Road… or the temple complex just outside of the Royal Palace. During the day hundreds of pale skinned tourists will be clambering through snapping pictures, drenching themselves in sweat, but at night, the traveler can sit in quiet contemplation and solitude in the middle of a garden surrounded by temples and relax…

Nighttime seems to take the edge off of Bangkok and put a softer face on it, especially outside of the tourist areas. Indeed, the nighttime is the only time to go walking around. During the day the temperatures and humidity are enough to bring the hung-over traveler to a heat stroke. In general, Bangkok is a very safe city with regard to violent crime, so female travelers should have no trouble walking around alone at night just about anywhere.

Going to Bangkok is just inevitable. It is in virtually every aspect the center of SE Asia, and the mobs of foreign tourists are a testament to that. Some people will stay around for a few days, some may even like the place, but there are certainly better places to go in Thailand.

Chiang Mai would have been a nice town to be in about 50 years ago. Now, it’s become the tourist Mecca of Northern Thailand, full of bars, restaurants and travel agencies offering tours to visit “hill tribes.” It’s still a nice enough place to hang around for awhile, but the charm of the place has been lost to development.

Narrow streets weave through the town, and there is scarcely anywhere in the city where a traveler won’t see white faces. There is a party nearly every night and a wide variety of western food, which might be quite welcome for those who can’t stomach any more rice. There are quite a few universities in the city and plenty of young Thais at the bars and clubs at night, so it can be a fun place to hang out.

Many travelers come to Chiang Mai with the intent of going trekking. Organized groups leave daily and allow tourists to see the high altitude jungle in the region and stop for a home-stay with a hill tribe. Almost all of these tribes are extremely used to foreigners, and many now have television and electricity. There are two ways to have a more authentic experience of the mountains: go hiking independently or base your trek from a different place, such as Mai Hong Son.

Another activity in the area includes bungee jumping off of local bridges. Local agencies are able to organize a tour, but be certain that you have a good guide. It’s a tradition that backpackers jump in the nude…

Thailand is a very safe country. Thai food is loaded with antioxidants, and there are a huge variety of fresh fruits and vegetables to stock up on all the necessary vitamins and minerals. Street food is almost always safe, but drinking tap water should be avoided. Few countries offer such a plethora of healthy food options for such a low price.

Thailand also has an excellent medical system that is quite cheap given the high quality standard. Thailand is developing as a medical tourism destination, especially for Americans who seek to escape the ridiculous cost of medicine in their country. Many expats and travelers who are injured or who get sick in countries like Burma, Laos, the Philippines or Cambodia are treated in Thailand, as costs are lower and the doctors and medical facilities are far superior.

Public transport is safer than other less developed countries in the region, though accidents happen. In general, people follow traffic laws and drive reasonably carefully. In the countryside, drunk drivers on motorbikes are common, but no more than anywhere… Some truck drivers and bus drivers take amphetamines to stay awake for days, but again, this is common just about everywhere, and Thailand’s not much worse on this count than the United States, for example.

Violent crime is rare, but robbery is relatively common, especially in tourist areas. Travelers should be aware of pickpockets in bars and crowded markets, and should definitely keep any valuables secured to the body. More elaborate schemes are also common, like identity theft or gem schemes. If a deal sounds too good to be true, that’s because it is. Another risk for travelers (especially those who purchase prostitutes) is date rape drugs. Pattaya is infamous for this. The traveler’s drink is drugged and then they are taken to their hotel where they pass out. They wake up robbed to the skin.

Drunken teenage tourists on break from “Uni” are arguably the greatest threat for the traveler in Thailand. If confronted by one it’s always better to walk away; hopefully in a few years they’ll realize that they were assholes.