By guest writer Dean Rieck of Direct Creative Blog.

Your English teachers taught you all the rules of proper grammar, punctuation, and style. But what they didn’t realize is that all those rules could crush your chances of making a living writing marketing materials, ads, and other commercial copy.

Why? Because copywriting is not about good writing, it’s about helping businesses sell things. Successful businesses have to connect with real people to sell their products and services. And since real people don’t speak “proper” English, commercial copy must speak the way real people talk.

In other words, the key to being a successful copywriter is to write effectively rather than correctly. You must be willing to bend or break the rules to accomplish the business objective of your writing project.

Here are a few examples:

• Write in the second person. Standard styles rules dictate that you write in the third person in most cases. But when you write commercial copy, you are no longer a writer, you are a sales person. And like any good sales person, you must speak directly to your prospects to make the sale. This often means writing in the second person, using words such as you, your, and yourself. You can occasionally use the first person (I, my, mine, me, we, our, us) in letters and other one-on-one communications. Unless you’re telling a story about someone, third person (he, she, they) is rarely appropriate.

• Use command language. You can’t be shy in the copywriting business. There’s no such thing as implying, intimating, or subtly suggesting an action. You have to bark orders firmly and clearly to get people to do what you want them to do. If you’re creating “teaser” copy for a direct mail envelope, write “Look inside” or “Open immediately.” At the bottom of the first page of a sales letter, write “Turn the page” or “Read on.” On an order form, write “Complete and mail today” or “Order your widget now!” No matter how obvious you think the action is, you can’t leave it for people to figure out. You must tell them directly.

• Avoid rambling sentences. Nimble, experienced writers love to weave long, complex sentences. But according to readability research, your average sentence should be about 16 words and express a single thought. Once a sentence exceeds 32 words, it becomes harder to understand. So despite what your creative instincts tell you, when you have a long sentence with two or more ideas, break it into separate sentences. Of course, you should vary individual sentence length – some short, some long – for variety.

• Keep most paragraphs short. Long, idea-laden paragraphs are fine if you’re writing the great American novel, but not if you’re writing an ad for acne cream. In effective commercial copy, your paragraphs ideally should run no longer than 7 lines, especially in sales letters. If a paragraph gets too long, break it into shorter chunks. Forget standard paragraph development. Your goal is to keep people reading. Short paragraphs are easier on the eye and make reading “feel” easier and more pleasant. Look at any newspaper and see how short most paragraphs are.

• Drop in one-sentence paragraphs – they’re punchy and add variety.

• Begin sentences with conjunctions. This includes and, also, besides, furthermore, likewise, moreover, or, else, otherwise, but, however, nevertheless, so, then, and therefore. These words can help you break long sentences into shorter ones and still make your copy flow smoothly. This is particularly helpful when you have a number of items you want to include which are difficult to fit together. For example, “The new RX9 is twice as fast as the RX8. Plus you get 12 new features.”

• End sentences with prepositions. Ouch! This one’s gotta hurt. And it will send the persnickety into a dead faint. But to paraphrase Winston Churchill, the preposition commandment is a rule up with which you should not put. In ordinary conversation, do you say, “With whom are you going?” or “Who are you going with?” Allow yourself the freedom of putting of, for, with, and other prepositions at the end of a sentence. Strive to be natural, not slavishly correct.

• Add occasional fragments. This helps add excitement. Urgency. Picks up the pace. And creates a firm tone. Don’t overuse this technique, though, or you’ll annoy readers.

• Write like you talk. Use dialog and conversational writing. “People especially like to read anything in quotation marks.” Use pronouns such as I, we, you, and they. Use familiar expressions, including a sure thing, rip-off, O.K. Use contractions such as they’re, you’re, it’s, here’s.

• Use intelligent redundancy. Free gift, actual fact, call anytime 24-hours a day, and other such constructions may get you poor marks in English class, but in the real world they help to emphasize your point and clarify your meaning. You can argue this one all you like, but a “free gift” sounds more valuable than just a “gift.” Embrace what works.

• Punctuate headlines lightly. Periods signal a stop, so you should avoid using them. To draw the reader into the body copy, you can use ellipses (…) at the end, but no punctuation at all is often best. Avoid colons and semicolons, because they also signal a stop and are too formal for most copy. To separate thoughts in long headlines, use a dash – like I’m doing now – or use ellipses … both signal a pause, but don’t stop the reader.

Remember, copywriting is not about writing. It’s about communicating and selling. It’s about getting people to act – to call, order, visit a Web site, or go to a retail store. For the successful copywriter, words are tools. If you are willing and able to wield them in a way that is proven to get results, you may have a lucrative career ahead of you.

Dean Rieck is a leading copywriter who has worked with more than 200 clients in the U.S. and abroad. Visit his Direct Creative Blog.

Subscribe to the new monthly WritetoDone Newsletter! Get valuable tips for writers and bloggers. Be the first to know Leo and Mary’s amazing plans for WritetoDone.

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Originally posted 2008-12-17 06:59:48.

How to Become a Successful Copywriter with “Bad” Writing is a post from: rob-thompson.com

• The Critical Importance of Sandwiching your Writing
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The evolution of computers to track our every move. Is this a good thing?

Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.

~ Ayn Rand quotes

Imagine a world in which you and I were equipped to record every moment of our lives. Gordon Bell, a Microsoft research scientist, envisions just such a world in his new book, Total Recall. In the future, he says, it will be possible – through devices such as remote sensors, miniaturised cameras, and computer chips in one’s clothes or even under one’s skin – to record everything we see, hear or do, and store this information in digital form.

Think of the possibilities!

By accessing our personal database, we’ll be able to retrace our steps to track down the moment we misplaced our keys. That new neighbour whose name you’ve forgotten? Just replay the moment you met, a month ago. This vision of the future may be both inevitable and glorious, but for most of us, it’s a nightmare – and not just because of the Orwellian loss of privacy. Even more alarming is the loss of the ability to forget.

A neurotic fixation on the past is rarely the best strategy for success in the present. Who among us doesn’t have experiences we’d rather see wiped from our memories?

Chinas Big Brother Software

Thinking about the application of this technology in economies such as China makes me wonder how welcome they would be? There’s no doubt that China’s extraordinary growth over the past two decades owes a lot to computers. But that dynamic as Beijing has decreed that all new PCs sold in China after 30 June must include special software -designed by a company with links to China’s military and security agencies – to filter out pornography and other vulgar material.

The government claims it wants to protect children, but that’s just window dressing. Beijing already vigorously censors internet content, blocking access to websites on Tibet, human rights and other politically sensitive subjects, and the new software will almost certainly be used for even more nefarious purposes: to collect personal data and spy on consumers’ browsing habits. If it works, that’s a real worry; but an equally big worry arises if it doesn’t – which in the circumstances is more than likely given that the software was devised without wider industry input.

And the worry is that millions of Chinese computers will start crashing. Having been taken to task for its gross incompetence in its handling of the 2008 earthquake, that’s the last thing Beijing needs. In any event, my advice to Chinese consumers is the same: rush out and buy your PC now.

Micro Men

It’s all a far cry from the 1980s when, as recently dramatised by BBC4’s Micro Men,  Britain briefly lead the home-computing business.

At the core of the story was the rivalry between Sinclair and his former collaborator, Acorn Computers’ co-founder Chris Curry.

Ultimately, both firms made the same bad bet that Christmas 1984 would be a bonanza. Acorn ended up being rescued by Olivetti; Sinclair sold out to Alan Sugar. The technology has moved on, but the basic problem plaguing start-ups remains the same: how to make the transition to become a global company.

Once things for sure: Sinclair, Chris Curry or indeed George Orwell could never have forseen how Big Brother computers and software would begin to track our every move.

Related articles

• Micro Men (guardian.co.uk)
• Workers of the World vs. China Inc. (time.com)
• China could face protectionist backlash (financialpost.com)
• TV review: Micro Men (geeksaresexy.net)
• Sinclair User: BBC’s Micro Men (rockpapershotgun.com)
• Micro Men: Sir Clive Sinclair and the heyday of British computing (telegraph.co.uk)
• Three Bits of Exciting Self-Tracking News (kk.org)
• Total Recall: Your E-Memory (emilychang.com)
• Brain dump (news.bbc.co.uk)

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Click to try GTDagenda for free!

For the last few weeks I’ve been trying a web-based Getting Things Done application called GTDagenda in conjunction with Zen to Done. My conclusion: it’s the ultimate productivity system … read on:

What is GTDagenda?

GTDagenda is a web-based application based around Getting Things Done.

The site allows you to:

• Use Goals, Projects, Tasks, Checklists, Schedules and Calendar to manage your time and activities in the most efficient way.
• Use Contexts and Next actions to decide what has to be done first, and where.
• Prioritize. Put things in the order most likely to make the project or yourself successful.
• Always have your lists at hand. You can get Gtdagenda on your mobile phone.

Some of the things GTDagenda can help you with:

Goals

Goals are a tool to concentrate your effort and move you in a direction. Set goals in each of your life’s areas, along with the time lines you are commited to acomplish them by.

“We are what and where we are because we first imagined it.” – Donald Curtis

Projects

Action plans that map to one of your goals. Each completed project moves you closer to the completion of your goal.

Tasks and Next Actions

Break out each project into specific tasks (actionable items), and decide what the next action is going to be.

Contexts

Context is where or how a task is accomplished.

Checklists

Use checklists for your repeating/recurring tasks, things that you must handle weekly, monthly, quarterly, etc as well as action items that may be tied to a specific month (e.g. wax car every April and November).

You can tie them to your goals. Consistent, daily action makes things happen.

Read here how Jerry Seinfeld used checklists to become one of the greatest comedians of all time.

Schedules

Schedules are tools for organizing your daily activities, with exact timings. Each activity can be linked to one of your existing projects and taks.

Calendar

Use the included calendar to keep note of and remember your “set-in-stone” activities, that need to be done at certain dates.

You can set events, appointments, anniversaries, to-do’s and notes.

Mobile access

Have your lists in your pocket and always available, wherever you are. Gtdagenda can also be accessed at www.gtdagenda.mobi

How it links to Zen To Done

I’m a big advocate for Zen To Done and recently wrote a comprehensive review of this great system. If you missed it you can check it out here.

Zen To Done fits into GTDagenda really well, as follows:

• Zen To Done combines the task management aspects of GTD with the goal-setting and prioritisation methods advocated by Stephen Covey.
• Leo Babauta has managed to simplify GTD even more, reducing it to 10 very doable habits and even offering a 4-point “Simple ZTD” system that’s even easier:

1. My Morning Routine

The feature that fits perfectly with this is the Checklists.

Add a daily checklist for each activity in your routine, and this will create a series of checkboxes that you come each day to and check as complete.

And the checklists can be easily printed, and are also available on your mobile phone at gtdagenda.mobi

2. Big Rocks

1. Make a list
- Set Projects and then the tasks inside them. The Big Rocks will be the projects that have priority . They are clearly separated from the rest with a line.

2. Keep it short
- Set 4-6 projects as priority .

3. Place the Rocks
- In the Schedules section, create a new weekly schedule, and link each schedule entry to one of your Big Rocks projects. When you click on the project name, it will send you to that project’s page, where you can see all the tasks (action steps) that need to be completed.

4. Leave space for the incoming pebbles
- Don’t clutter your schedule, leave some blank spaces between schedule’s activities. Even if you don’t do add any more pebbles, you know it’s time for relaxing.

5. Do it early
- Put them in your schedule in the morning.

And your Schedules can be accessed with your mobile phone too, at gtdagenda.mobi, you can take them everywhere.

3. Most Important Task (MITs)

Leo: “And here’s the key to the MITs for me: at least one of the MITs should be related to one of my goals.”

- First, add a Goal into one of your life’s Categories. Then add smaller goals, or projects, that finishd one after another will result in reaching your goal. These projects will then contain the tasks, or action steps that can be done and marked as done. One of the cool features of GTDagenda is that it allows prioritizing. Your MITs in each project have to be set as priority . They will be clearly visible, there’s a line that separates priority activities from the rest.

Leo: “Another key: do your MITs first thing in the morning”

- Then, mark 2 or 3 MITs as Next Actions, and do them in the morning. When you connect to GTDagenda in the morning, the start page will be Next Actions so you know exactly what you want to to that morning. It’s very important to start your day doing MITs, because only this way you’ll feel productive throught the day. If you start the day doing some trivial activities, you’ll feel unproductive even you finish your MITs in the evening.

Click here to give GTDagenda a try for FREE!

Click to try GTDagenda for free!

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Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. ~ Albert Schweitzer

I was thinking recently how France may have given the phrase laissez-faire capitalism to the world, but it has never subscribed to the sort of purist, free-market economic theory that has dominated in the US and Britain. No surprise then, that it was a French president who asked two Nobel prize-winning economists – Joseph Stiglitz and Amartya Sen – to think about how levels of happiness might become an important economic indicator.

The idea does have some supporters in Britain who have argued that a narrow focus on GDP is a poor target for economic policy. But the debate is about to become especially relevant. The UK’s recession will be formally declared over at some point soon; yet those suffering the misery of unemployment (expected to continue rising well into next year) are hardly likely to be jumping for joy, and it’s quite possible that the bad news of their plight will be lost in a maelstrom of headlines about an economic recovery.

Were we to worship at shrines other than GDP growth, as the French are now considering, unemployment might become more noticeable – and more ruthlessly tackled.

So if GDP isn’t a great indicator for happiness in life then what is? Well, it boils down to this:

Pleasure + flow + meaning = happiness

Flow

With this formula the fleeting and passing nature of pleasure sticks around for longer. By this I mean if you are really engaged, focuses and engaged in what you do then you’ll enter a state of flow. You know you’re in a state of flow because:

• are completely focused on the task at hand;
• forget about yourself, about others, about the world around you;
• lose track of time;
• feel happy and in control; and
• become creative and productive.

Nine factors as accompanying an experience of flow:

1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible and goals are attainable and align appropriately with one’s skill set and abilities). Moreover, the challenge level and skill level should both be high.
2. Concentrating, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).
3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.
4. Distorted sense of time, one’s subjective experience of time is altered.
5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).
6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).
7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.
8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.
9. People become absorbed in their activity, and focus of awareness is narrowed down to the activity itself, action awareness merging.

Not all are needed for flow to be experienced.

However, beware as too much engagement can lead to obsession, for example, you become a workaholic and your life balance becomes unsynchronised.

Meaning

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep…
~ William Shakespeare, The Tempest

The meaning of your life has to come from within you, rather then it be imposed on you by others. This is what’s called living an authentic life. While we adapt quickly to more money and material possessions, it seems we adapt less quickly, if at all, to meaningful things. This is also a vital component of contentment, because essentially you are not connected to your innermost self.

Without that connection, it’s hard to feel a true meaning in some part of your life, and without the connection it’s hard to feel happiness, other than the transient pleasure from time to time as described earlier, that most of us have mistaken for real happiness.

Related articles

• France: GDP Stays, Happiness Too Hard to Pin Down (abcnews.go.com)
• Sarkozy Adds to Calls for GDP Alternative (blogs.wsj.com)
• The economics of happiness (smlxtralarge.com)
• When it comes to life, love and true happiness, Sarkozy is leading the way (guardian.co.uk)

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The Simple Guide to a Minimalist Life is a 104 pages guide which includes minimalist principles:

• It’s about minimalism, and why it’s important today
• It’s about stuff, and how it has come to overwhelm us
• It’s about distractions and commitments and a never-ending task list
• It’s about the culture of more, of bigger, of consumption
• It’s about how less is the answer.

Click the image to buy

The book describes simple ways of escaping consumerism to heighten happiness.

About The Author

Leo Babauta runs a blog called Zen Habits which currently has 141 000 subscribers and in under six months he built his blog to become one of the biggest on the internet. How? By living what he preaches. Check out this video interview.

Leo has also announced that he is donating the proceeds (up to $5,000) from The Simple Guide to a Minimalist Life to the non-profit Guampedia.com.

Now that you know about the author and what the guide promises to offer, here is exactly what it includes…

Table of Contents

• A small irony
• Notes on using this book
• What is a minimalist life?
• Overall minimalist principles
• How to become a minimalist
• Contentedness
• Rethinking necessities
• Simplify what you do
• Clearing clutter
• Minimalist home
• Minimalist workspace
• Minimalist computer
• Going paperless, digitizing
• Minimalist travel
• Wardrobe and grooming
• Minimalist food
• Minimalist fitness
• Minimalist finances
• Finding simplicity with kids
• Dealing with non-minimalist loved ones
• Minimalism is the end of organizing
• Step lightly upon this world: on sustainability
• FAQs
• Other resources

Click the image to buy

The goals of The Simple Guide to a Minimalist Life include:

• Plan your ideal day. Then strip your life of the non-essentials, to make room for this ideal day, for the things and people you love. This book is meant to help you find that path.
• Minimizing and Reducing your possessions by clearing out clutter and unnecessary physical items.
• Figuring out how to be content with less.
• Living a less stressful live. Strategies include simplifying your schedule and work.
• Creating a minimalist lifestyle. This include a minimalist workspace, a minimalist home, minimalist computer, minimalist financial life, and minimalist (simple, effective) diet and fitness program.
• In line with a minimalist workspace, Leo discusses a minimalist paperless home office

Early on in the book Leo outlines his philosophy on the key qualities in a minimalist life.

1. Omit needless things. Notice this doesn’t say to omit everything. Just needless things.
2. Identify the essential. What’s most important to you? What makes you happy? What will have the highest impact on your life, your career?
3. Make everything count. Whatever you do or keep in your life, make it worthy of keeping. Make it really count.
4. Fill your life with joy. Don’t just empty your life. Put something wonderful in it.
5. Edit, edit. Minimalism isn’t an end point. It’s a constant process of editing, revisiting, editing some more.

The book contains actions and advice tips for simplifying your schedules, your travel, your commitments and even your wardrobe. It also includes discussions on minimalist philosophy – and how it applies not just to physical items, but rather is a lifestyle decision to minimize quantity and maximize quality.

Click the image to buy

Leo then sets out four steps that help us embrace a life of minimalism:

1. Start by realizing you already have enough.
2. Start cutting back on clutter and possessions.
3. Start simplifying your schedule.
4. Slowly edit everything you do.

And here’s a preview of the first few chapters, so you can see what the ebook is like. As you’ll notice, the pages are pretty sparse, so while 104 pages on minimalism might seem like a lot, the chapters are actually pretty short.

Overall, this book is a great introduction for those new to minimalism, and for those looking for practical suggestions on how to simplify life. Highly recommended.

Quotes from the book

• Figure out what makes you happy. Get rid of the rest, so you have room for those important things. It’s not a life of nothing, of boringness. It’s a life of richness, in less.
• Plan your ideal day. Then strip your life of the non-essentials, to make room for this ideal day, for the things and people you love. This book is meant to help you find that path.
• If you can focus on doing things that make you happy, you’ll have less of a need for stuff.
• Living a minimalist life isn’t just about eliminating physical clutter. It’s about reducing the clutter of your busy schedule, your work life, all the running around you might normally do.
• It’s about doing only what’s necessary, so you have time for what makes you truly happy.
• A minimalist embraces the beauty of less, the aesthetic of sparseness, a life of contentedness in what we need and what makes us truly happy.

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29 Leadership Secrets from Jack Welch

29 Leadership Secrets from Jack Welch is the first concise book of essential Welch-isms, abridged from the bestselling “Get Better or Get Beaten”.

Jack Welch built a career out of fighting waste. “29 Leadership Secrets from Jack Welch” follows in Welch’s footsteps, boiling the legendary CEO’s leadership successes down to 29 strategies that made GE the world’s most competitive company – and Welch the world’s most successful and admired CEO.

This all-in-one Welch reference updates material from Robert Slater’s bestselling “Get Better or Get Beaten”, and is today’s ultimate fast-paced, no-nonsense handbook on the ways of Jack Welch.

It taps into the heart of Welch’s courage, innovation, and leadership success by examining simple leadership secrets that include:

• Managing less is managing better
• Make quality the job of every employee, and
• Have global brains and vision.

Click here to buy – 29 Leadership Secrets from Jack Welch

• Content: [rating:3.5/5]
• Ease of Reading: [rating:4/5]
• Technical Knowledge: [rating:4/5]
• Overall: [rating:overall]

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Popular jokes done German style:

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.’
The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.’

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor’s office wearing a suit. The doctor says, “Why are you wearing a suit?” The black man says, “I just got back from a funeral”

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
“Would you like an ice pack?”

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn’t affect acceleration due to gravity.

What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, “No. No, I don’t.”

A man called a lawyer and asked, “How much will you charge me to answer three questions?”
The lawyer said “$400.”
“Wow,” said the man. “Isn’t that a lot?”
“I guess so,” said the lawyer. “When are you going to ask your questions?”

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don’t, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn’t worry about it, really.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ‘To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ‘Sorry, I can’t.’ he says.
The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.’ The man says “I’m sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all.”

What’s sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn’t studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
“Cool” thought the mental health worker- “those feathers will make for excellent trout flies”. He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. “God, I love this job”, he muttered to no one in particular.

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he’ll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.

Otto and Beata give birth to a young child.
This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgivable mistake.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what’ll ya have, Pope? But the Pope’s grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn’t know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new house?
No.
Well, it’s really nice.

Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells “God damn!” as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god’s name in vein and says “Don’t say ‘God damn’ say ‘God help us’”.
The kid says, “I am an atheist, get away from me”.

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What’s the deal with airline peanuts?
The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn’t want a “Peanut Fee” attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It’s free food, and it’s a nice snack. If you’re really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It’s quite delicious, actually.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other’s a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low.

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
“I said ‘I’LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS’,” says the girl, this time louder.

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says “PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!” Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
“First,” says the bartender, “you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there’s a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there’s an eighty-five year old woman in the back who’s never had sex. You have to have sex with her.”
The guy think it over and says “okay, sure. You have a deal!” He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he’s basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There’s a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what’s going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
“What’s he doing?” asks the bartender.
“What’s left of him is back there in the croc pen,” she says, her horrified face pale with shock. “His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc…the croc ate him.”
“Oh, Jesus,” whispers the bartender. “Jesus.”
Nobody says a word.

A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
“Thank God”, he says, “I’ve been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last.”
“Eight years?” she says, “So it’s eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?”
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
“So is it also eight years since you had a drink?”
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it’s 25 year old single malt whisky. It’s smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
“So,” she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, “Is it eight years since you played around?”
“Oh no,” he says, “This is all a dream, isn’t it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming.”
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It’s the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone… so terribly alone.

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the spool of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender’s name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man’s mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address.

What’s the difference between a duck?
I’m sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say “What’s the difference between a duck and a goose?” and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.

What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says “Disneyworld: left” so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.

A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says “we’re too heavy, one of you will have to jump!” The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don’t want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

Why don’t Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven’t seen him in years.

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn’t hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

A man walks into a bar.
He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined.

What’s eighteen inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night?
A twelve inch long penis that is erect, thus adding approximately one half of its flaccid size, and involved in the act of fornication with the female partner of the man whose penis I am describing. (Of course, it is ignorant and juvenile to assume that the man in question is heterosexual. He may be a homosexual, which is perfectly acceptable in these liberal times we live in, or he may in fact be single and not inclined towards a sexual preference of any kind. This is understandable due to the myriad complications of long-term relationships, a result of the infinite differences between the masculine and feminine psyches.)

PATIENT: Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!
DOCTOR: I shall prescribe you some anti-depressant tablets, probably 20 miligrams to start with, and I shall book you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will not be charged for his or her services, but you may have to wait up to seven weeks for your first meeting. I shall give you two prescriptions just in case, so that you don’t run the risk of running out of medication and thus relapsing. You will have to return in two months as your counseller is unable to provide you with drugs. Have a nice day.
PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. My mother will be pleased and relieved that I have finally sought your advice after many years of this inner personal anguish and turmoil.
DOCTOR: You’re very welcome. Could you please send my next patient in? He should have a large beard, unless he recently has shaved it, which I consider unlikely.
PATIENT: Certainly, doctor. And thank you again.

What’s the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills?
Smarties are a popular chocolate-based confectionary product from England, which were the inspiration for the arguably more successful M&M’s produced by Mars. Sleeping pills are flavourless narcotics that are used primarily by people suffering from afflictions such as insomnia. Another difference between the two is the repurcussions of ingestion. In a large dose, Smarties can have a minor contribution to obesity, whereas a large dose – often referred to as an ‘overdose’ – of sleeping pills runs the risk of much more dangerous consequences such as immediate and fatal liver damage. It is generally accepted that sleeping pills should only be used when recommended or prescribed by a qualified doctor or chemist, but Smarties can be purchased at the majority of reputable supermarkets or corner shops.

How can you tell that your girlfriend’s too young for you?
Often the level of rapport enduced from conversations and activities is dependant on sharing mutual interests and beliefs. A significant age gap can compromise this, although it is not a concrete determiner of a relationship’s potential success. Another thing to take into account is that the legal age for consentual sex is 16, although it is often (wrongly) considered a taboo for a man of 20 years or older to date a lady who is less than 18, the minimum legal age for drinking in the United Kingdom. However, when the roles are reversed it can be considered a positive trait for a younger man to have a mature partner.

What do you call a man with a tray on his head?
If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a tray on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.

What do Madeleine McCann’s parents have in common with Rhys Jones’s parents?
Both sets of parents outlived their infant children. (It is assumed, due to the substantial period of time since McCann went missing, that she is now deceased. However, this has yet to be confirmed by any official source.)

Due to fewer intrinsic external differences between the facial structures of african people when compared to those of caucasians, Barack Obama is sometimes confused with Lewis Hamilton and Theo Walcott. Similarly, the current Israeli/Palestinian crisis is occasionally mistaken for that of footballer Paul Gascoigne. This is because Gascoigne was often endearingly known as ‘Gazza’, while the area of land most prominent in the Middle Eastern conflict is called Gaza – one letter away from the aforementioned ‘Gazza’, hence the confusion.

A man walks into a pub and orders three pints. He sits down with them and drinks them all to himself, then goes back to the bar and orders another three pints. Once again, he drinks them all to himself and returns for three more pints.
The barman, understandably rattled, asks him why he keeps ordering three at a time. The man explains that he has two riplet brothers, both in other countries, and they always have three pints at a time to pretend that they’re together. The barman is touched by this.
This continues for several months until one day the man comes in and only asks for two pints. The barman offers his condolences.
The man thanks him, and somberly finishes his drinks, in the knowledge that he will never again see his beloved brother.

What do you get if you cross a gooseberry with a stereo?
A sticky green residue that is difficult to remove from the electrical unit.

A man dies and goes to heaven.
This is an assumption based on religious faith.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance?
He has Motor Neurone syndrome.

What’s black, white, and hungry?
The population of Zimbabwe.

A man is walking through the desert, searching desperately for water. Suddenly, he stumbles across a stall.
“Do you have any water, please?” he asks the merchant.
“Sorry mate, I only sell ties here” is the reply.
The man continues his increasingly futile bid for quenched thirst, and finally reaches another merchant.
“How can I help you, mate?”
“Water! I need water!”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place.”
So the merchant gives the man some water, they shake hands, and have a long and hearty laugh over the redundancy of a tie shop in the desert.

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Jokes – German Style is a post from: rob-thompson.com

• Extremely moving response to a question on the Ryan Commission
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How to be Rich and Happy Book - A Manual for Life

Who doesn’t want to be RICH and HAPPY?

How To Be Rich And Happy is a book that helps you create and live the life that you want to live.

Life on your terms …

This post reviews How To Be Rich And Happy, which is effectively a “Manual for Life” by Tim Brownson, and for his dynamic co-author John Strelecky (read more about them in the About The Authors section below).

How To Be Rich And Happy helps you make a choice about living life for yourself versus living a life that others chose for you. If you read the information in this manual and apply it in your life, you will be part of an even more exclusive group – those who are Rich and Happy.

That kind of bold statement can be made with such certainty because the authors have spent more than twenty years researching what it is that enables those who are Rich and Happy, to be that way.

The How To Be Rich And Happy manual for life, is the aggregate findings of the author’s research. The documented formula and success stories explained inside show the way people from numerous walks of life, various geographies, and diverse back grounds, have gone from where they were, to being Rich and Happy.

Check out this video, where the authors give an overview of the Manual:

Detailed Review

No matter how good you feel about life, there are always new ways to improve yourself. However, contrary to the title, the book has nothing to do with gaining financial freedom. John and Tim instead lead readers to question what “Rich and Happy” – really means to them. The exercises in the book are powerful tools to help you create a fulfilling life.

I think this is where How To Be Rich And Happy not only inspires but also provides an outline of actionable steps about living your dreams. You will learn how to view your current situation with clarity and then implement a simple formula to achieve happiness and wealth.

With so many self-help gurus and people who purport to be experts in lifestyle design the book came as a breath of fresh air which provided some real insights to personal development theories. It covers topics such as:

• Aligning your goals and values to your lifestyle
• The power of positive self-talk and daily, verbal affirmations
• Greeting life’s challenges with enthusiasm, rather than trying to do everything possible to side-step them

And more…

After a few chapters, How To Be Rich And Happy I found that I couldn’t put the book down. The use of personal anecdotes and inspirational stories was great and you immediately feel motivated to take on some new challenges in your life. In fact, not only does this book provide inspiration but it also outlines a concrete set of steps on how to reach your goals as well. You will learn how to analyze your current situation and use a tried and true formula to achieve happiness and wealth.

In fact, How To Be Rich And Happy is more of a student workbook, where you read a few chapters, then grab a pen, and do your very best to come up with the right answers (for you).

Truthfully, it wasn’t all new to me: I’ve read more self-help books than the average person. Still, this book is one of the best I’ve read on the subject. The real value is that the authors put these ideas into their own words and provide examples to drive the concepts home. In this respect, How To Be Rich And Happy provides solid ideas for challenging negative states of mind and creating positive ones that will enable success, whatever that term means to you.

How To Be Rich And Happy will inspire you to take action and you’ll feel a renewed sense of determination after reading the book. I know I did. Plus there’s no risk either. If you don’t like the book, just let the authors know and they’ll gladly refund you your money. And at 218 pages, How To Be Rich And Happy is the perfect length – long enough to be comprehensive but concise enough to hold your attention. You will find that every page is relevant toward helping you live the rich and happy life that you want and deserve.

In short, How To Be Rich And Happy is a book that helps you live the life that you want to live and teaches you how to do whatever YOU want, whenever YOU want.

About the Authors

According to Gannett Media (USA TODAY…), John Strelecky “has put his finger on the pulse of the world.” At the age of twenty-one, John was destitute. His income was at the poverty level, his future looked bleak, and he was, in his own words, “devoid of hope.” Then he had an experience that changed his life forever. Part of that event is explained in the video on his site. Since then, he has been honored alongside Oprah Winfrey, Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins, and Lance Armstrong as one of the 100 Most Influential Thought Leaders in the field of leadership and personal development. He is the author of several acclaimed books and CDs, which have been translated into 19 languages and been best sellers around the world. They include The Why Café , Life Safari, The Big Five for Life, and his latest, How To Be Rich And Happy. John’s own personal experiences, along with almost twenty years of research discovering the formula that enables people to be Rich and Happy, have made him one of the definitive experts on this topic. He has been honored to speak alongside Nobel Peace Prize nominees, and award winning philanthropists, and share his learnings with audiences around the world. His insights have been profiled on the covers of magazines, such as Personal Excellence, and Money N’ Profits, and incorporated into educational tools such as the software, SafePaths to Financial Independence™.

Tim Brownson is a highly respected and sought after Professional Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner. He is the author of the critically acclaimed Don’t Ask Stupid Questions – There Are No Stupid Questions? and owner of the popular self development blog, The Discomfort Zone blog. He is English by birth and has lived in Florida with his wife since they emigrated in early 2006. Known for his left field sense of humor, down to earth practical advice and irreverent view on life, he has been dubbed the Real Life Coach and also the Renegade Life Coach. A love of personal development, deep desire to help other people fulfill their potential and frustration with Corporate UK, led him to leave a successful sales career and move into coaching prior to moving to the United States. He has worked successfully with hundreds of clients from all over the world via the telephone as well as some on a face-to-face basis. He now turns that knowledge, enthusiasm and experience toward helping as many people as possible become Rich and Happy.

Testimonials

“This is the clearest, most compelling book about being happy – not to mention rich – I have read in a very long time. I am absolutely blown away by the laser like focus of this material. Completely worth your time and money.” – Jen Louden

“Most self-development books are simply conjecture. This is not one of them. “How to Be Rich and Happy” is an invaluable and practical guide to having, being, and doing whatever you want. One of the best books I’ve read in a VERY long time!” – Craig Wildenradt

“Since I have read HTBRH, I have experienced 200% more amazing changes than any other development book I’ve read. More than Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins and Steve Pavlina combined.”
Sherryayn Lingenfelter - Redefine The Experience

“John and Tim dish out solid advice on making the most of yourself, regardless of who you are. Far from being a mere motivational book, this is an essential manual for life.” – Hunter Nuttall

“How to be Rich and Happy gave me the push I needed to take my life in the direction I want it to go and a blueprint to make sure I was going in the right direction. It provides more than just a formula for leading the life you want to live, it motivates and inspires.” – Tracy O’Connor

Buy the book

Click the image on the left to buy the book.

The book originally cost $97 but recently Tim wrote this post explaining his decision to reduce the cost to $47.

This includes access to an ongoing library of video tutorials in which John and Tim explain the exercises and findings in How To Be Rich And Happy.

Download the first three chapters for free to decide if the time is right for you to be reading how to be Rich and Happy. In these sections, you will get an introduction to the material, as well as learn about the author’s life changing experience that launched the twenty-year effort to document the formula.

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How To Be Rich And Happy Book Review is a post from: rob-thompson.com

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The X Factor on Saturday-night TV has much of the country glued to the telly – including our political leaders. Gordon Brown is a self-confessed addict (the PM won’t take phone calls during the show) and so is David Cameron’s chief strategist, Steve Hilton.

Both sides are fascinated by the live audience, whose cheers and boos provide a better barometer of taste than any focus group. Politicians eagerly take note who the audience roots for but the lesson our rulers don’t seem to have grasped is that the real stars of the show are the straight talking judges.

The public doesn’t begrudge Simon Cowell his stupendous wealth because it loves his fearless truth-telling. A bit more candour from Brown (on Lockerbie, spending cuts, and Afghanistan) would be a sign that he’s beginning to understand why The X Factor works.

As for the Tories, they dont need a heartwarming back story, just more honesty on the health service, pensions and welfare.

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If only the PM were more like Simon Cowell is a post from: rob-thompson.com

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Animated Procrastination is a post from: rob-thompson.com

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