Shittymind

Sad story, I guess?

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 10:29:00 +0000

I have a friend and He told me that he met his mother unexpectedly in a birthday party of his nephew. Since I know my friend's life story, I was eager to know and I asked him what happened next. He related to me he went to his nephew's place and celebrated with him. To his surprise he met his mother there. For a long time, my friend haven't heard any news from his mother. He was really surprised and was feeling queasy. I was listening to him closely and find it very interesting. I asked him, what did you do when you met her. He said it was a very awkward moment, unknowingly she was just right there after a long time of no communication. He said he didn't know what to do whether to hug, kiss or pay no attention to her. Instead, he just shook her hand and said 'Hello'. I was surprise like "Damn, you just shook her hand? and Hello?". I mean it was her mother, right? Then i ask him how did you feel meeting your mother? He said, "it was like nothing, it was like meeting a stranger. It was too awkward." **face palm for me. Then i suddenly realized, I don't want that to happen to my son. I don't want Astaro to be like that to his mother. I mean i love them both, my son and his mother even when we are already separated. I just can't seem to take it emotionally hearing those words from my own son. I was sad. I suddenly remember my son's mother, I hope she is doing well and happy. I hope she hasn't forgotten him. I will be so happy to see them together.

I am.

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 09:34:00 +0000

RRRRROOOOOOAAAARRRR! hahahaha

I am feeling ecstatic!
I should have wrote my experiences in Vancouver. i was too *dang lazy to do it. But it was a very nice experience to go there.
Knowing the culture and the people of the foreign land is very interesting. Although, there's nothing special on their food, I got to eat a lot from different international cuisines, Indian, Japanese, Chinese (which you can find anywhere), Turkish, Korean, Vietnamese, Indonesian, hahahah.. and a lot of more. I made few friends and got to have a little conversation with them. They are very open minded people and have a very interesting personality. I had the time of my life. Looking forward on going there again.Enough of Vancouver!.

I am happy!
I am enjoying my job. No hussle, No pressure, Easy going. 3 days work from home. Cool people to work with. Nice compensation package. I'm contented. I have met with new people and made new friends.

I am sure!
I am still work in progress, of course. I mean, I am still recovering from a challenges that i had to endure. I had to learn and grow from it. Accept the things that you can't change, be mature and move on. Be a better person than yesterday and maintaining to improve myself.

My Headstone

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Fri, 24 May 2013 04:14:00 +0000

This question just pop out of my mind while i was on my way to work.

What would i write in my headstone?

I remembered when i was still a kid, my friend and i found a very old graveyard, while exploring uncharted areas in my hometown. We knew it was a graveyard since we found a lot of headstones, some were broken and scattered all over the place. It was eerie, realizing there were corpses buried in that place. We read some of the headstones wanting to find who these people were. Some headstones were written with their full name, date of birth, and date of death. Some were just names and dates. Some were young, others were old. There were family headstones too. As we scoured the headstones, I questioned myself. Who were these people and how did they live their life?

As i reminisce that time, I wouldn't want my headstone to be just like that. It is somewhat like, plain and boring. I think it was a good point to ask myself those question. What would i write in my headstone? How would i like everyone to remember me? And so, partly, my headstone will be.

Roel Cordero Cariazo
"A Man with a good heart who conquered LIFE and live it to the fullest."

What would you like to be on your headstone? :-)

Sa mata ng mga bata

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Tue, 14 May 2013 05:35:00 +0000

Gusto ko sanang alamin pano yung daan pabalik sa "innocence". Yung time na wala ka pang pakialam sa buhay. Walang tama at mali.

Sa mundo ng bata, pwede kang kumain ng ice cream kahit nakakalat pa ito sa bibig at baba mo at tumutulo na sa t-shirt. Kunin yung nahulog nang pagkain sa sahig at sabihin "wala pang five minutes". Hindi ka pa takot sa germs. Pwede kang maglaro ng putik at humubog ng mga bagay. Pwedeng kang sumigaw o umiyak sa mall. Yung wala ka pang hiya na ipakita ang nararamdaman mo.

Ang mga bata ang isa sa may mga pinakamahihirap na tanong sa mundo, kahit simpleng tanong, mahirap sagutin. Sila yung may mga boundless imagination, pwede silang sumakay sa lumilipad na aso, maglaro sa rainbow, lumangoy sa tsokolateng dagat, Magdrive papuntang outerspace.

Para sa kanila, Walang saysay ang salitang "Impossilbe".

Lahat tayo ay tumatanda. Ang mundo ay patuloy na nagbabago. Sa mga pagbabagong iyon, nagiiba din ang ating pananaw. Ang pagtingin natin sa kultura, kaligayahan, sa pag-ibig, Maging sa ibang aspeto ng buhay. Nagkakaroon na tayo ng sarili nating judgement. Malaking pagkakaiba sa mata ng bata.

May daan pa ba pabalik sa pananaw sa mata ng bata?

Dear Astaro

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 02:18:00 +0000

I love your name! I enjoy calling you that. In the first place, we were the ones who gave you that name. If you ever wonder how you got that name, hmmm. Well, I wanted you to have a unique name Astaro Kerio. Astaro came from a german brand of IT hardware security product. I was a NOC engineer at that time, where i use to monitor the company's firewall hardware. This firewall is the backbone of the IT infrastructure. Your second name Kerio, is our email client, you momand i use to communicate here. Well, that was way back then when we were still together.

Daddy is missing you so much. I wanted to hug you everyday, you're a stress reliever. I love it when you hug me back tightly. It gives me full comfort. Your smile is amazing, it is pure and genuine. Your eyes, are just plain innocent. I wish i could be like that. At your age, i know you can understand Daddy. . .Someday, you will fully understand everything.

As much as i want to I want to be with you all the time, watch you grow up. Teach you things that i have already experience being a kid. I want you to learn humility, faith, hope and love. I want you to be engage in outdoor activities. And I want you to learn a lot of things. I'm excited for that. There are many things I want to do with you when you grow up.

I love the way you call me "Daddy"
It's solemn and feels like serene. I just love it. You are my son, and i will do anything a father should love his child.

I'm still getting interview calls

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 17:48:00 +0000

I just updated my resume and then there were invites...
then there were interviews.

I wasn't really looking for a job, It was not part of my plan..yet. =)
Until, there were interview calls. I thought why waste the opportunity, why not take it?!

As far as i can remember at least 10 companies called me up. Same interview, over and over again. My answers were like a script already.

I'll be writing a few common questions of hiring managers.

#1
Can you tell me something about yourself?
you must answer NO.... kidding!!
Don't tell your life story here for this question. Who cares about your blood type? your height? your weight?! The interviewer wouldn't care about that. You can start by relating when you first started your work after your graduation..."I graduated at XXX University with Ph.D blah.blah..blah.." And tell the interviewer about your first work what you did and so on and so forth.

#2
What do you do in your current work?

You can state your role and responsibilites here. You can also say the processes of your task here.

#3Research google. hehehehehe.. I am too lazy to write this kind of shit.

Sneaky Profile View

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 17:47:00 +0000

I had a few drinks earlier.

Out of nowhere, my index finger seem to move on its own. It clicked the touch pad of my laptop. And it was on your facebook profile. It got me curious. Why oh why! It is not my habit to lurk on somebody's profile. But at this very hour, I am doing it. Funny, i end up smiling. :)

It was like, all good memories came back to me. I was smiling really. I didn't know why.
And it dawned on me..

I have forgiven you.
I had forgiven myself.
And all the bitterness in the world was gone. I felt joyful.

Finally, I can build a bridge and move on. :)
I hope you're are truly happy. :)

Maliciously Convicted

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 12:54:00 +0000

Do you wonder, how people could get into your nerves for being so fickle-minded? The intent to embarrass you in front of others, with malicious remarks? Those half-meant jokes, those annoyingly patronizing compliment. How do you handle this in any way?

You wouldn't like me when I'm mad. Hell will break loose. For heavens sake, i can be mean. You wouldn't like that.

But still, professional as we are, I can keep my composure.

Looking forward

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 02:50:00 +0000

January blues are finally over.

It's going to be a new experience for me this year as i will be leaving my company. I will be joining a new company next month for a better compensation. I will be missing a lot of things from hereon. Things like the There are things i don't want to leave behind especially the bonds that i made with friends.

Do I still have the motivation?

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 03:09:00 +0000

I am gaining weight again. I run less and i don't find time to exercise. This is not good. I am finding my way back into running. But the question is "am i still motivated?".

I had problems at work which i think is giving me the roadblock. The work shift is killing me. I can't manage to find time in exercise or running. My self-discipline is poor at this time. It was a part of my resolution this year but i guess i need to put an effort into doing this.

I need to get back to where i started. I need to remind myself everytime why am i doing this. I have to start now. I always procrastinate which doesn't help me. I need to plan ahead for my training. Also, my discipline in nutrtion. I need to have a diet plan.

December 2012 - Conclusion

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 23:22:00 +0000

What a year for me! The year is going to end, i feel excited. i am going to have my holidays with my folks. What could be in store for me in the next year? Will it be prosperous?
2012 will be one of the memorable year in my life. It had me whole. Learning was hard. Trials were dominating. Life was overall insane.
Looking forward for a better 2013.

November 2012 - Rush

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 02:24:00 +0000

It already the last quarter of the month. I was getting nostalgic. I was reminiscing how my life for 2012 was. Did it went good? Did it went well? Did i get to where i wanted?
It will be december soon. And i had to recount my experiences for this year and put it in a blog. So this shittymind of mine won't forget a single moment. Not everything though. I had to prepare.
Not a single word came from his mom. He just turned two and not a single fuck was given. I was disappointing. Anyway, things has his way of back firing. I shrugged off the negativity in that thought.
I need to have a long run this time. I registered for a 25km run. It was the new balance power run. As usual, my favorite organizer will be holding this event. With less training i thought i can pull it off. I was mentally prepared for the run. The optimism was there, unfortunately my body wasn't prepared for it. I had a few cramps along the way. And i didn't finish strong.
I was getting the hang of my work. Stress was already my friend, he was there with me 24x7. He never left me. He was more than a bestfriend. However it was a company that dragged me. I went slow, i went tired. This will be difficult to let it out on my system.
I had a few job interviews and offer. I didn't take it. I was telling myself, there is still much to learn on my current work. Was i wrong?

October 2012 - Crunch

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 07:25:00 +0000

And then October came.

I love this month. This is my son's birth month. I knew i'll be with him on his birthday and so i was excited.

I'll be seeing him again. He has grown a lot. His hair were already touching his shoulders. Curly at the bottom and kind of shaggy. Like samson's, his long hair fits the shape of his face. He can already utter a few words. I like the most is when he calls me Daddy!. The killer dimples on his smile are irresistable reminds me of his mom.

Work is already getting tough. The knowledge transfer was already done and started supporting. It was a challenge for me. Pressure was right back at me and stress was cheering its way on my system. I thought for a while it was good, it gave me time to concentrate into something not emotional. Perhaps a distraction that would stay a little longer this time. Mentally, it was a torture, knowing that you are accountable for the applications that you had acquired. That was not expected.

I had a little time running this time. My schedule didn't fit in for my exercise routine. I slack off and gained a little weight.
Even i don't have a love life i feel inspired at this time. There was something i can't explain. I was happy being single, enjoying the company that i have.

And yes! Finally, i have reconciled with my first ex. It wasn't awkward at all. Talking to her was casual and normal. There was no boom or a skip a beat on my heart. I remembered there was a moment of silence when i told her it was me. Like a tripple dot at the end of a sentence. A long pause... I was expecting she would hang up the phone but she didn't. Clearly, she wasn't expecting my call. And there it was, a very long international call. Almost two hours we chat. I was happy.

September 2012 - Steady

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 07:05:00 +0000

Ber months came, the first of January feels like yesterday.

This was a steady month for me. Everything went normal again. Got out of debt at the second quarter. Work was nothing much but doing knowledge transfers. My running was going well. I ran for at least 40km each week. No plans as of the moment, I was just going with the daily flow of my life.

I did my first 32K run on this month along with my close friends. It was fun I enjoyed it. I did a blog on that run.

July 2012 - Pace up

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 05:20:00 +0000

Time is gold. Meaning it's precious. It's valuable. It should be treasured.

I am still coping up with my feelings. But its getting better and better. I learned: time heals every sorrow and pain. I realize its your self who will decide to move or stay. To be happy or sad. The choice is always yours. So never regret the choices and decisions that you've made.

Started training this month for my first full marathon. A 42km of running. Its pretty long distant and tiring. I need to stay focus on training.

I started on my new team at my work. New resources are coming in on my new team. New set if friends. I've enjoyed working this month cause i think it wasn't much of work. It was fun and lot of training and knowledge transfer sessions. No work pressure yet.

Astaro is still here in manila, I enjoyed much of his company, playing around with me and we're having quality time together. He can already say Daddy!
Every time i look at him when he's asleep at night, i still feel sorry for him and makes me want to cry. Somehow, at the back of my mind i am hoping that our family will be complete. I guess there is still hope left in me.

June 2012 - Moving on

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 05:12:00 +0000

Focus on the things that inspire you. Hold it to keep you motivated.

Finally! Its half quarter of the year. And i'm feeling happy. Contended. I was thankful i made it through the bad time of my life. It made me a stronger person. I'm gaining my confidence back. I am motivated to keep going.

I'm excited, I'm going to take my first 21k with my friends. This time it comes with a finishers medal. Finishing a long race is very fulfilling, I can't describe my feelings after crossing the finish line. It gave me a sense of accomplishment. I register for training for running. New set of friends again.

In my work, i was transferred to another team for some reason. And later on found out it was an advantage for me. Luckily.. A lot of oppurtunity, improvement and a new set of friends! It was a blessing in disguise. Another set of friends again!

I was also super excited because my son will be coming here again. Bonding moment and quality time together with him. This was the time we really had a strong bond. We were going out just the two of us, talking to him like a friend. Teaching him little stuff at his age. It's cool to have a son! I love it.

May 2012 - Acceptance

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 04:37:00 +0000

Learn to accept the change.

What happened in this month? I completely shut off my stalking skills. I realize it does not help me move on from seeing updates on her life. I just feel bitter. But any bad feeling on that moment, i just shrugged it off. I focus on my work, on my friends, on my running. I started blogging again. I'm back at 140lbs. I did a Paleo diet. I cook my own food. Wipe my own ass (What's with wiping my own ass got something to do with diet?

NONE

I just got a shittymind. =)

Slowly, i learned how to accept things, the things that would not change.

April 2012 - Small Steps

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 04:27:00 +0000

Great things start from small beginning.

Happy anniversary to me in my workplace!

It's already been a year. So far, i am contended with my work stuff. Not for long. heheheh

I started to feel healthy this month, so i just kept running. Though i still feel bad and bitter. I kept running until i forgot to think of sadness. I stayed motivated on improving my overall health. I lost another 20 lbs. After several weeks of running. I can see improvement on my health physically. I can already crouch without problems. I am not snoring anymore. I can sleep well. hehehe. Emotionally, i can say I'm still working on it. I think of dating.I seem to lost my trust. It seemed broken. It's a part of moving on.

March 2012 - The Struggle

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 04:11:00 +0000

Every hardship there is struggle.

Im still depressed. I was broken. Badly hurt.

I finally came to a decision: End my misery.

I talked with my friends, officemates, go out with them, hang out and drink. Just for a temporary relief. I was thinking about my health and how to move on. I was overweight, i was fat even picking up a coin on the floor makes me take large breaths. My blood pressure was high. It was affecting me so much at the point my vision gets blurry when I'm tired my head spins around and round.

I need to take action!! Immediately..

So the first thing i did is buy a pair running shoes. To start running. To cut down the weight and loose some fats.
It was a perfect choice for me. Running made me clear my thoughts somehow my negativity. It has a positive effect on my health.
I sign up for a running event. Crazy you might think but this shittymind is really crazy. Without proper training i registered for my first long run. My first 10k is the Earth Run. That's it. March was the start-of-moving-on month for me. Thank God I've got friends and family who supported me.

From running and diet this month i lost nearly 20lbs. And So it came to me. I wasn't running from my problems but I was struggling to run towards the obstacle and overcome it.

February 2012 - The Depression

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 03:46:00 +0000

The month for the lovers.

This time i felt like i was swimming in a quicksand the more i move the faster i sink. This wasn't the month for me. I call this the depression month, as i found out the truth behind her not wanting to make things work. The truth regarding my thoughts with her.
It was the most painful moment in my life.i will not go into details as this is the darkest memory i have.

Still...

I had hope left in me, i tried to reach out to her, reach out to her family to keep things intact. But nothing moves her. No effort seen in her to make things work out for us. All i needed was to see her put a little effort. Unfortunately, none. That made me very sad. I'm loosing confidence that my ideal family would not be completed. This might be it, i said to myself.

I'm nearly exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. My health is in jeopardy. Good thing my son is here with me but not for long, he's going back to our province. I felt sorry for my son, i talked to him though he can't speak yet. I know he can understand me, i told him that I am deeply sorry that I can't make our family complete. I cried telling that to him. I guess he felt my sadness too, He just looked at me with those innocent eyes, wondering.

Anyhow, I found peace in him amidst the turmoils in my life. I would never want this experience of mine happen to him. I don't want to see him hurt.

I realize there are people who don't bother or even care they are messing up a family for their own sake. I hope they can be happy that once along their life, they betrayed someone who loves them or mess up someone's family.
I also realize you can choose one person instead of your own family. That your willing to sacrifice your own flesh and blood just to be with someone. She made me realize that. A very sad realization.

January 2012 - A Bad Feeling

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 03:38:00 +0000

Here goes my life on the year of 2012. My fading memory serves me well.

Welcome 2012! OR Am I welcome for 2012??
I didn't know how i spent my new year.
Aahhh! I remember, i just slept on new year's eve. Sleep my ass off, without fireworks, away from family. Alone, lonely, laying on the corner of the dark room. Hahahaha. Sometimes i get carried away from this emo situation.
This was unexpected, since i planned to spend my new year with her and chose to stay here.
BUT

This shittymind just can't stop thinking. She wants to spend new year with someone else. . . That feeling.
Malungkot ang pasok ng new year ko. I didn't understand why she doesn't want our family to be complete. I was struggling to make it work. But at the back of my mind, i knew what was the reason. Maybe i was scared of the truth. All i needed was just a confirmation from her. All i did was guess.

To ease my loneliness, I bought a ticket for my son. I let him come here with my mom, he was a year and two month old. I wanted comfort in him. His smile were the ones giving me joy and keeps me from going on. Also, i wanted her to see our son, to let her know we are family. to keep her reminded that we are here.

Projection

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 13:51:00 +0000

Sometimes, I suffer in silence. I usually keep it to myself, cause there is only ME to trust. Oftentimes, people look at me and define me by that silence. It's all they see. And worse, that's all about I see in myself. I forget what i believe about myself. I forget that I'm a happy and jolly person. I forget that i am free.

Lights

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 02:30:00 +0000

Bright and Colorful Lights.

The countdown for Christmas begins. As usual, there would be a showcase of dancing lights everywhere.

I hope this time you are happy seeing the lights.

Bomb in space

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 02:21:00 +0000

And here goes my shittymind thinking random sh!t.

I'm at the office and i'm bored. Nothing much to do. Something pop out of my mind and i thought about this idea.

What if you set a time bomb in the outer space?

I tried to answer this question base on what i know. I was tempted to ask Mr. Google for this one but i have to come up with my own answers first.

1. You can't hear its explosion. Since space is in vacuum. No medium for sound waves.

2. There would be debris/particles flying like bullets since there is no friction and gravity.

3. No fireball will form or mushroom cloud like in the movies.There would just be a flash of light.

4. Leads me to another question..then another..then another.

Science is very interesting.Keeps me curious all the time.

This title is not related to the subject of my post

noreply@blogger.com (simplengRoeL) — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 20:45:00 +0000

Let me tell you something about
Choices and Decisions, in my own humble opinion =)

Choices are like selecting an ice cream from a different varieties of flavors.
If you select one flavor but later on you change your mind you can always replace or change it. However,
Decisions are life changing, it's just yes or no. Once you decide you can never go back.

Now, why the hell i'm telling you this sh*t??
It's because i need to make a decision. =)

A decision to what?
Lot of decisions to be made.
Should I resign?
Should I stop working?
Should I hunt for another job? Should I go abroad and work there?
Should I confess what i feel?
Should I run?
What should I?
These are the things I should need to decide on.
Life is tough.