Family Matters

What do You Want for Your Kids?

Ronit Baras — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:21:21 +0000

I have written about what is important to parents many times and I know that for some readers, it is not enough to read me saying that for hundreds of parents going through the parenting workshops, happiness and all forms of happiness are more important than what they spend most of their energy on (academic success).

Do not get me wrong. I do not know any parents who care about their kids that would say, "I want my kids to be failures at school". We all want our kids to be academically successful. After all, whether we like it or not, we think their level of success says something about us…

Unfortunately, many parents think academic success is the entry ticket to "real life", but although I believe it is very important, I think it cannot stand by itself and we need a balance between academic success and happiness.

Luckily, they are not in a conflict at all and can go hand in hand. After over 25 years of working with gifted children and kids with learning difficulties (which is not contradiction, because kids with learning difficulties can be gifted and talented), I can tell you that academically smart kids can be very happy. Better yet, happy kids do a lot better academically.

In parenting workshops, I tell people to imagine their kids were princes and princesses and that I am a fairy with a magic wand who comes to bless their kids with all the goodness of life. I love to play fairy, because I believe in magic.

So here I am, playing fairy with you too and I am giving you a wish, one wish that you can give your kids. Please remember, it is only one wish. When you die, your kids will say, "This is my dad's or my mom's blessing for me". To help you choose, I wrote a story called "The 10 Mothers" and I do apologize to all fathers, it is as true to fathers than to mothers.

10 mothers sat in a coffee shop and talked about all the things they wanted for their kids.

The first mother said, "I wish I could give my kids lots of money so they could have everything they want and be financially free".

The second mother said, "I wish I could give my kids knowledge to help them succeed in life. Learning is the way to growth and knowledge is the key to success."

The third mother said, "I wish I could give my kids wonderful friends to keep them company for the rest of their lives".

The fourth mother said, "I wish I could give my kids strength to overcome all the difficulties in life".

The fifth mother said, "I wish I could give my kids compassion and kindness towards themselves and towards others, for compassion and kindness bring all people together and make us one".

The sixth mother said, "I wish I could give my kids acceptance to help them flow with the stream of life and lead them to spirituality".

The seventh mother said, "I wish that I could give my kids gratitude for all that the universe has to offer them, for gratitude is the vibration of all good things in life".

The eighth mother said, "I wish I could give my kids perfect health so they can experience the world with all their senses".

The ninth mother said, "I wish I could give my kids love. Love is everything and love is the answer to all".

The tenth mother said, "I want to give my kids happiness that can lead them to financial freedom, knowledge, friendship, strength, compassion and kindness. A happy, positive mindset will lead them to acceptance, gratitude, health and love, for happiness is the ultimate state of bliss and happy thoughts are the way to get there".

Many parents say it is hard to choose only just one this, because they are all important and some of them lead to others. I agree!

In the comment box below, please share your reasons for your choice and if there is anything else you would like to give your kids that is not on this list.

The 2009 Weblog Awards voting is now open. Please vote for Family Matters as the Best Parenting Blog by clicking the banner below and then clicking the next to my nomination comment to give me your vote. Every vote counts, so please vote and ask all your friends too!

Wishing all fairies happy parenting,
Ronit

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Tags: academic performance, acceptance, children, choice, Emotional Intelligence, focus, friends, gratitude, happiness, health, kids, love, money, parenting, Poll

Help! My daughter eats junk

Ronit Baras — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:46:54 +0000

From time to time, I get frustrated watching my youngest daughter Noff (8) eating junk. Inside my head, I hear the scream, "Help!" I am sure many parents feel like me when their kids eat junk.

This morning, I had a revelation!

You see, in our family, she is the odd one out. If you ask the older kids what is the best sandwich in the world, they will say, "A multigrain roll with tomatoes, lettuce, mayonnaise, avocado and alfalfa". If you ask Noff, she will say, "Nutella (chocolate spread), Jam or Fairy Floss (Cotton Candy)".

It is scary for me as a mother to watch her eat.

"Why would you put this poison in your body?" I ask her.

"Because it tastes great", she says with gleaming eyes.

This week, we discussed food and Noff said, "I think junk is very tasty, especially if it's sweet and colorful". She is very smart and summed up her desire in one sentence - junk + sweet + colorful = great food. Everything that is sweet is good and if it has color, it is even better.

Unfortunately, she is allergic to food colors. I said to her it is unfortunate that a girl who loves colors so much (on her face, clothes, linen and even in her food) is sensitive to food colors, but her health is very important and since she wheezes after eating something with food colors, we must monitor what she eats.

This morning, Noff opened the freezer, took out frozen blueberries and ate them in the car on the way to school. Then, I had a revelation.

She ate the blueberries and was very happy and excited about their color.

"Look, Mom, when they are fresh, they are blue, but when they are frozen, they are almost purple", she said and played with a blueberry with her fingers. She was also happy to take a bite from one blueberry and discover it was white inside.

When I dropped her off at school, Noff asked me to take the empty blueberry bowl back home. "Look Mom, the whole bowl is colored purple-blue now", she said just seconds before she got out of the car, "I love blueberries".

She was very happy and I realized we did not always have blueberries in the freezer, because they are a bit on the expensive side. I usually buy them during special sales when I can find them cheaper. In our house, we eat lots of fruits and vegetables and I buy most of them at the market for a fifth of the price, so you can understand why blueberries have been rare for us.

On the way home, I stopped at the supermarket for my shopping. At our local supermarket, to make it easy for us to calculate the cost of things, they have started adding the price per 100gr at the bottom of each price tag. Blueberries cost $1.30 per 100gr, but as I passed next to the colorful candy section, where Noff would love to spend her days if I let her, I checked the prices and was shocked to discover that 100g of sweets cost $3.20 - junk for 2½ times the healthy stuff.

And I thought blueberries were expensive.

Raspberries are red,
Blueberries are blue,
Mangoes are yellow,
And I'll buy them for you

They may cost a lot,
But they're not as precious as you,
So I'll buy costly fruits
For the good that they do

I think this should be the Healthy Mother's Hymn. Don't you?

Before we say goodbye, please help build a healthy parenting community that raises healthy kids.

Here's to raising healthy kids!
Ronit

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Tags: children, choice, diet, eating disorders, food, health, how to, kids, lifestyle, motivation, parenting, wellbeing

Make a list (25): Quotes to live by

Ronit Baras — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:19:33 +0000

Quotes are signs we put on our map to navigate through the journey called "life"
- Ronit Baras

Quotes are signs we put on our map to navigate through the journey called "life". We need the signs to find our way through the happiness and sadness, joy and heartaches, challenges and success. They are the guidelines for how we choose to live our life.

My first quotes were sentences from songs I loved. When listening to songs, some people hear the melody. I always pay attention to the lyrics. Whenever I chose to carve them on my life map, I copied them into my diary and read them from time to time.

One song that was most meaningful for me as a teenager was John Lennon's "Imagine". It is not a coincidence that today, many years later, I am the state coordinator of Together for Humanity, a foundation advocating living in peace and harmony.

Finding and listing 100 quotes that you consider good guidelines for living is a good way to discover who you are, what you want for yourself in life and what your need to overcome. Through the quotes, you can find out what your thoughts, values, needs and beliefs are and direct yourself towards a good life.

You can tell lots about people's personality through their quotes. A person who puts "Never, Never, Never give up!" (Churchill) on their top 100 list appreciates persistence. They may not be 100% persistent, but they will definitely aim for it and appreciate it in others.

If a person puts "Have faith in God. God has faith in you" (Edwin Louise Cole) on their top 100 list of quotes, you can tell that this person is religious.

I am a quote lover. I have them everywhere around the house. On the door of our home office, I posted many quotes. When the door was full, I started putting them on the toilet door too. I am sure that even in the piles of books everyone reads, they also get a chance to read some quotes.

In my parenting courses, I tell parents that if they want their kids to think something, all they need to do is repeat a quote over and over again. Things you repeatedly say slowly filter into your kids' mindset and attitude towards life. One day, they will say, "My mom always said…"

They only thing to watch out for is funny quotes, because more often than not, they are sarcastic and sarcasm is a form of emotional violence that no one wants their kids to adopt.

When you complete your list, write your quotes on a piece of paper and put it in a place where you can read them from time to time. I like them on display around the house, in my coaching sheets, in my diary, in my PowerPoint presentations. Luckily, we can find a wealth of quotes on the Internet and they are all free.

Here is a list of 10 sites you can use to find good quotes and sayings to live by. I hope you make good use of them"

Quote Garden - I love this site and use it a lot
Quotations Page - The oldest quote site on the web
Wisdom Quotes - Another site I like using
Think Exist - More than 300,000 quotations by over 20,000 Authors
Quote Land - A bit overwhelming for a visual person like me, but still contains great quotes
Quotes 'n Sayings - Quotes by author or category
Quotes and Sayings - Great site with quotes and saying
Cool 'n Smart - Quotes by mood, occasion or situation
Too Many Quotes - Also includes quotes from movies
Brainy Quote - Easy to find by topic

How to get the most of your list of quotes:

Quotes do not need to be written by famous people to be good. Something your grandpa used to say can be a great quote to live by too.
Sometimes, the real hard thing is to find only 100 quotes, so look at various aspects of life, like love, friendship, wealth, courage, wisdom, motivation, faith, success, anger, happiness, parenting and health and choose the 2-3 quotes that means the most to you.
If you find that you like several quotes by the same author, you probably share something with this author. Check out other quotes by this person. Can you tell I like Buddha's quotes?
Songs are great sources of quotes. If you love the lyrics of a song, quote them. I love Jewel's "Hands", in which she sings, "If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we're all OK" and "Only kindness matters".
The library is full of books with quotes. If you prefer to hold a book and find quotes in it, go to the library.
Collecting quotes to live by is a life journey. If you cannot do it at once, you are still OK. Just add them as you hear or read them.
Ask others to help you build your list and share their favorite quotes with you.
As we change so our quotes change and that is perfectly fine. A young person adds quotes about fun and adventures, but as they grow, they add quotes about family and stability. Change is only a sign of evolution and maturity. There is no right or wrong, only what is suitable for you now.
Stay away from depressing quotes that bring doubt and anger and from quotes that trigger fear.
Stay away from sarcastic quotes. As I said before, their undertone is not funny at all.
Stay away from stereotypical quotes about gender, race, nationality, sexual preferences, etc. They may be funny, but your smile may disappear when you end up believing in them.

I am adding some of the quotes I used for a leadership program I ran two month ago. For the topic "Creative and courageous leaders", I picked the quotes below. I hope you find them useful. Of course, you may copy and print them if you like.

After 25 chapters of the Make a List series, I want to clear Fridays for other important family matters, so I will continue the series once a month instead of once a week. It only means that reaching my goal of 100 lists will take me over 6 years to complete - how exciting!

Join me next month for making the list of 100 ideas to use my time better.

Oh, and one more thing:

Happy list making,
Ronit

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Tags: beliefs, change, dreams, Emotional Intelligence, focus, goals, happiness, how to, inspiration, motivation, needs, parenting, personal development, personal growth, personality development, quotes, self improvement, success, values, vision

Inspiring Kids

Ronit Baras — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:06:06 +0000

My daughter Noff (the youngest girl in the photo) is a very inspiring kid, especially since growing up in a house with two very talented siblings is not easy.

When my son Tsoof (the boy in the hat) was born, everyone said, "Poor kid. He was born after Eden, so he has no chance". You see, Eden (the big girl on the left) was the symbol of perfection. I have to say I had some doubts about Tsoof's chance too, but he proved everyone wrong when he found his niche in our family as the a very talented musician.

So, when little Noff was born, people said the same thing, "Poor kid. Being Eden and Tsoof's sister, she has no chance". At that point, we had no doubts she would prove them wrong. We only had to give her the right "playground" for her to think that being the sibling of the most "perfect" people in the world was an inspiration, not a competition.

At the age of 4, Noff started dancing and asked to go with her older sister to an evening hip hop class, which was hopeless, because she was so tiny and the people in the class were adults. She went anyway and would have kept going, but this got in Eden's way too much and Noff needed to sleep, so we said no.

A year ago, after watching her brother play music most of every afternoon (and weekends) and after Eden had started playing piano again, Noff asked to play the keyboard too. Since we did not know if she meant it or just wanted to experience it, Eden agreed to teach her. We bought some theory and beginners books and our house was full of music (slow, deliberate and often incorrect - you know how that works).

Last year, Tsoof started composing his own music. Last month, we bought him a special cable that connects the keyboard to the computer and allows him to compose music much faster (a MIDI cable, if anyone is interested). It was amazing how something that cost $17 made him so happy - almost like buying your teenager a car.

On the weekend, he was away for the Australian Percussion Eisteddfod competition with the Macgregor Percussion Ensemble (they won first prizes for Best Ensemble and the Best Novelty Piece) and 8-year-old Noff was home with Mom and Dad. At one point, she went to the keyboard and played something.

She played it so many times, I asked her, "Noff, what is this tune?"

"It's called 'Family feelings'", she said.

"It's beautiful. Who wrote it?" I asked her.

"I did", she said, "And I want to record it on the computer".

We were very impressed (not to mention proud) and Gal immediately went to connect the cable we had bought and find out how to record her composition. It was short but beautiful and when I looked at the keyboard, this is what I saw.

You see, Noff did not know how to remember her composition, so she took a piece of paper and wrote numbers on it to remember how to position her fingers. To me, that was even more impressive than the music.

At night, when she went to bed, Noff said, "When Eden comes, show her my composition" (Visual kid. What can you do? She even sees music).

Two days later, Tsoof came back from a music competition in Sydney. On the way home from the airport, the first thing Noff said to him was, "I wrote music. You're gonna love it. I want you to listen to it when we get home".

As soon as we got home, the two of them sat at the keyboard, Noff playing her new masterpiece and Tsoof admiring her and adding his own improvisations to it.

Here they are. Watch them!

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

[Side note: When my oldest daughter Eden was one year old, I thanked the inventor of the video camera and rented a big, bulky one to capture just one day. I am so happy I can record my kids now with such ease, because I know that otherwise, in 20 years, Noff would never believe me she wrote her first composition at the age of 8.]

Instead of feeling she could never match up to her older, talented and experienced brother, Noff simply decided to write some music and focused on it until something she liked came out. She had no inhibitions whatsoever and proudly presented her new and exciting creation to anyone who would stand still long enough.

Since then, she has also choreographed a dance routine, working several hours on it over the course of a few days. She welcomed advice and ideas and kept at it until she was happy. Then she showed it to everyone with pride.

If you can get a kid to feel this way, the sky is the limit.

May your kids inspire you every day,
Ronit

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Tags: children, creativity, Emotional Intelligence, focus, inspiration, kids, motivation, music, parenting, projection, self-fulfilling prophecy, siblings, video

Kids’ Survival Skills

Gal Baras — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 03:52:00 +0000

In the Stone Age, survival involved hunting, gathering, finding shelter, keeping a file going and making simple stone tools. Men were men, women were women and kids had to observe and learn from their respective role models how to survive, but it was fairly simple - get food, make sure nothing eats you, that sort of thing.

From a social point of view, kids did as they were told and stayed out of the way of people who were physically stronger. When they did not, they were beaten, denied food or faced danger on their own.

Over time, life changed quite a bit. Farming, wars, new religions, the industrial revolution, colonization all required the development of new survival skills, but generally speaking, one's position in life was mainly determined by one's position at birth - place of birth, social status, financial position and so on. Although stories are told of those who have made great changes, most people lived life pretty much the same as their parents had.

From a social point of view, kids did as they were told and were bound by strict societal rules of politeness, respect and service towards adults and people who were socially stronger.

Nowadays, things are very different. Getting from one place to another, far away, is relatively easy and inexpensive, so even young people can afford to travel and relocate and even kids experience the change created by international or long distance moves.

Information travels even faster, making its way instantaneously from its origin to the entire world via the Internet. Moreover, whereas older generations had to make serious efforts to get their hands on slightly-outdated information, we now get up-to-the-second information in an overwhelming flow from multiple directions, most of which is unsolicited. If anything, we need to make an effort to shield ourselves from getting too much information and determine what parts of it we can actually trust.

From a social point of view, kids are now very often on their own. Internet access, free chat programs, free email and free social networking sites allow kids to live within virtual societies their parents may know nothing about. Long commutes, long work hours and the ever-increasing financial pressure also cause many kids to survive on their own in real-world society, having to manage at school, go shopping, choose friends, participate in extra-curricular activities and even work.

Kids' survival skills in a time like this must be completely different.

So what can you teach your kids that will make their modern life easier?

When you want something, you can fight for it, you can weasel your way to it or you can charm your way to it. It's best to use charm, but it's good to know what to do when you can't
- Gal Baras

What do I mean by this?

Despite what many educational institutions will tell you, the most important skills in life have to do with how you relate to other human beings. If you do it well, you will fit in quickly wherever you go, someone will always watch your back and you will get credible, reliable information and help when you need them. Relationship skills (a.k.a. social skills, emotional intelligence or people skills) are far more important than any technical or academic skills out there.

So let's say you want something. Say you want to play with the ball you see in this other kid's hand right now. What are your options?

Option 1: Fight for it. Grab the ball from the other kid. If he resists, pull harder. If he still resists, punch him in the face until he gives up.

Option 2: Weasel your way to it. Go and tell the other kid the teacher wants him urgently on the other side of school and you are willing to watch the ball for him until he returns.

Option 3: Charm your way to it. Tell the other kid you know this really cool game with a ball that takes two to play and you are willing to show it to him.

OK, so this is a very simplified example, but you get the picture, right?

It is easy to see why Option 1 is very short-lived. 15 seconds into this play, the teacher on yard duty will show up and "arrest" you. End of game. You lose.

Option 2 may last 2 minutes, but you are going to get it when the other kid returns and he will never EVER trust you again. End of game. You lose.

Option 3, however, is very sustainable. While getting what you wanted, the other kid gets something and you get a bonus - someone to play with. This game is long and, as long as you keep it up, you win.

With me so far?

What I am saying is that many things in life work out just like this. When you take the other people's interests into account and create a win-win situation, everyone benefits and the "game" continues for a long time.

This is true for being nice to teachers, which gets you good grades and a pleasant time in class. It is true for playing well with friends, which gets you lots of fun times, people to study with and company for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is also true for contributing to your online networks (while being careful), which makes you popular and lets you know all the good stuff first. It is definitely true for sharing and being considerate to brothers and sisters (and parents), which gets you lots of sharing and consideration right back.

For kids who work, dealing well with managers, peers and customers means praise, promotion, more money, better jobs and many other opportunities.

Being charming is especially beneficial when moving into a new neighborhood, a new school, a new job or a new social network. It does not mean false flattery. It means genuine interest in creating mutual goodness and a good general vibe, which is easy to detect and is very attractive to people.

So when is it best to fight or cheat? When there is a clear conflict and there is no desire to create a relationship with the other person. For example, if someone grabs you in a dark alley, instead of telling them how much you like their large belt buckle, it might be better to kick them in the shin or call out to an imaginary cop behind them and run.

A more subtle example is bullying. When Eden first started kindergarten in Texas, another girl was pushing her around while she was still learning the ropes. She came home and complained about this to us. After a few days of trying to win her over (option 3), I said, "Fight" (option 1) and Ronit said, "Tell the teacher" (option 2). Eden told the teacher twice, but that did not help, so she gathered all her inner power one day and gave the other girl a serious push back and that was the end of that.

Kids who are charmers may end up forgetting their own best interest while trying to please others. This is probably the only pitfall of using charm. It is important to always remind our kids to serve their own interests first and that being genuinely kind and nice to others does not mean lying down to be stepped on.

This year, when Tsoof was planning his birthday party, we suggested that he invite Ethan, the child of our friends who is at the same age. Alas, Tsoof's other guests were his school buddies and classmates and he knew he would have to spend so much energy hosting Ethan he might enjoy his party less than he could. To his credit, he remembered to put his own best interest at the top of the priority list and said he would not invite Ethan this year.

Anyway, dealing with other people may not always be clear cut, but to summarize:

The most important survival skills for kids today are people skills. Modern strength is in personal & professional relationships and the ability to interact effectively with other human beings
Know what you want
Learn other people's motivation and interests
Find a way to get what you want and at the same time helping others get what they want (or at least improve their position)
When in danger or direct conflict, where only the short term matters and there is no other way, do what it takes to get your way. Fight or "misdirect" if you have to
Remember what you want and that it is more important than what others want. Use charm to recover from conflicts in your relationships later, but always stand up for your rights

Happy parenting,
Gal

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Tags: behavior, change, children, communication, Emotional Intelligence, focus, friends, kids, lifestyle, parenting, Relationships, social skills, society

Happy to Be Myself

Ronit Baras — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:04:57 +0000

Be yourself, everyone else is taken
- Oscar Wilde

Yesterday, when I drove with my daughter Noff to a "girls' night out" at her school, she said to me, "I wish I had a baby sister or a baby brother". That started a conversation about what is best to be - the youngest in the family (she is 8 years old and she is the youngest), the middle child (in our case, this is my 13-year-old son Tsoof) or the eldest (my 20-year-old daughter Eden).

Well, it was very interesting having a conversation like this with an 8-year-old, but she was mature enough to detach herself from her desires, stay in the conversation and examine all the advantages and disadvantages of each position. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "Which one do you think is best to be - the eldest, the middle or the youngest?"

Noff: "I think the eldest. Eden had two young baby siblings that she could take care of"

Me: "Are you happy to have Eden as your big sister?"

Noff: "Oh, yes, she is a great big sister"

Me: "Do you think Eden would have liked to have a big sister just like her?"

Noff: "Oh, yes … But she can't! Eden will never have a big sister or brother, because she is the oldest"

Me: "You're right. There are things that oldest kids never get to experience"

Noff: "I will never have a younger sister of brother"

Me: "And Tsoof?"

Noff: "He will never be the oldest or the youngest"

Me: "So who is in the worst position?"

Noff: "Tsoof is, because he is in the middle … maybe not … he was the youngest until I was born"

Me: "So what do you think is best to be?"

There was a long silence. We parked the car and walked to the school hall for the "girls' night out" event. Many moms and daughters were in the room, which was beautifully decorated with balloons and lights. On a large table, there were many cakes ready to participate in the cake-decorating competition.

Noff and I held hands and I told her I was happy we had the opportunity to spend some time together. She smiled and said, "I think it's best to be me".

As we entered the hall, I was so proud of my little girl. She is just 8 years old, yet she already understands something that many grownups never do. I hope this feeling will last her a lifetime.

Enjoy being you,
Ronit

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Tags: beliefs, children, choice, Emotional Intelligence, family matters, family planning, focus, happiness, kids, parenting, personal development, personal growth, personality development, self confidence, self esteem, self improvement, self worth, siblings

TV Diet (18): Conclusion

Ronit Baras — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:55:54 +0000

Unfortunately, most people wake up and start taking action only when it is a bit late. I guess it is the part of being human. We ignore the signs until we are hit really hard. The problem is that change is a lot more difficult then.

Yesterday, one of my clients talked about a breakdown in his marriage. His wife has been telling him for a long time something was wrong in their relationship, but he just thought she had "another bad day" until she kicked him out of the house.

What I said to him was very similar to what I have written about TV. Many things in life like our struggle with weight. When things go wrong, we eat a lot and neglect to notice the extra weight. When we look in the mirror, we feel uncomfortable, but we say "It's just a bad day" and we eat more to find comfort, only to look in the morning 5kg later and feel bad about ourselves that we are in a never-ending cycle of struggle.

When something goes wrong with our relationship, we slowly drift apart and one day wake up and it is too hard to mend.

When we lose control over our kids' education, health and wellbeing, we stop being able to help them develop the skills, habits, thoughts and beliefs that will make them happy and we wake up when they leave school, join a gang or worse, fall sick.

One day, we wake up sick and tired from feeling unhappy and say, "How did we get to this point?"

Very bad question. A much better question is "What can we do to make things better right now?"

Still, my answer is always, "We got the extra 25kg one kilo at a time. That's how".

A TV diet is no different from any other diet. It is supposed to bring some order and control over your life and in this case, over your family life.

Preventive Parenting

My biggest recommendation for every change is to "grow antennas" and be sensitive to when things start to go wrong with your kids' TV habits. It is much easier to get rid of 1 extra kilo than it is to get rid of 25.

Preventive parenting is always better than reactive parenting, because as a reactive parent you are too busy putting out fires and there is neither time nor energy left to focus on building a healthy, happy family lifestyle.

Earlier is better

It is ALWAYS better to start a positive change right now than to start it later
- Ronit Baras

As I said at the beginning, TV is neither good nor bad, but the way we use it can be good or bad. Make sure your meaning of healthy TV and unhealthy TV is fully defined and clearly communicated to your kids as early as possible. Even a 4-year-old can understand when Mom or Dad says, "This show is not suitable for 4-year-olds, because it's too violent and I want you to watch good shows that are suitable for your age". Young kids have less life experience and are highly influenced by their parents, while older kids are subject to many more influences. Start early!

Try to avoid asking yourself "How did you get to this point?" when thinking of things you are not happy about, as that will drag you into a critical state, full of self blame and regrets. It is much harder to get action out of that state. Instead, focus on

"What do I want and how can I start getting there right now?"

It is the difference between a past-oriented question and a future-oriented question that gives many parents who attend my parenting workshops the strength and determination to make a change. When you ask what you can do right now to create a better or desired situation, you look for solutions, rather than someone or something to blame.

If you are looking for the answer to this question, you will find lots of tips, ideas and techniques in every post of the TV diet series that will help you overcome TV binging and behavior kids' problems due to watching too much TV.

For many parents, using only one or two tips from what I have covered in the past 18 weeks has made a huge difference in their family life and the effort of fighting kids' watching habits has become a faded memory to them.

If you want the constant fights about TV to be a faded memory for you too, start now!

Happy Parenting!
Ronit

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Tags: action, change, children, choice, focus, how to, kids, lifestyle, motivation, parent coaching, parenting teens, teenagers, teens, television, tv

Make a list (24): Excuses

Ronit Baras — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:37:24 +0000

Whoever wants to be a judge of human nature should study people's excuses
- Christian Friedrich Hebbel

As a life coach whose task is to help people reach their full potential and live the life they want, I hear endless excuses about why people are not living the life they want already. One day, I said to myself that I would make a list of those excuses and then I realized it was not such a bad idea. If I had a list of my excuses, I could easily recognize when I was anchoring myself or dragging myself backwards.

Excuses are stories we tell ourselves to justify why we do not live the life we want
- Ronit Baras

The excuse zone

Excuses are things we say to ourselves that keep us stagnant. Excuses and success cannot live together, because excuses are what prevents us from moving forward. Every time we tell a reason for not doing, achieving or trying something we want, it is as if we were trying to get to a faraway destination by running on a treadmill.

No one ever excused his way to success
- Dave Del Dotto

It is no coincidence people who do not live the life they want have tons of excuses and successful people do not. Excusing is a habit. George Washington said "99% of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses". If you feel like a failure in any area of your life, find your excuses.

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure
- Don wilder

Excuses are there as a defense mechanism when people think they cannot live with the consequences of not achieving what they want. They are saying, "I'm not a failure. There are reasons for me not achieving". You know what? I am sure there are reasons, but if we hang on to them, we will definitely not move forward.

Reasons and excuses are brothers. We use reasons to explain ourselves and excuses when we have a feeling that we could have taken more responsibility. Therefore, responsibility is the answer.

Don't do what you'll have to find an excuse for
- Proverb

In my workshops, I always tell how I was kicked out of school in 10^th Grade for having too many failures on my report card. When participants ask me why, I say, "There were many objective reasons, but they are bad excuses, so I prefer not to dwell on them. Whatever the objective reasons, we still have the choice to respond differently".

Blaming others is one very common excuse for not living the life we want. How many people do you know who say "My mom and dad…" at the beginning of an explanation for the problems they have in life. I know too many, unfortunately. When they bring up excuses from the past, they are living in the past.

The way to get out of the "excuse zone" is to take responsibility (I was going to write "to not get in there in the first place", but as people grow older and the burden of life is heavier, they tend to use more and more excuses to survive emotionally).

Responsibility happens when you understand that the outcome was always in your hands, that you are responsible for all your thoughts and behaviors.

I always say, "Excuses are anchors we throw from our ship sailing in the sea of life. No ship can sail with many anchors buried in the sand. If you use too many excuses, no wonder you feel stuck".

Instead of saying, "Sorry I am late, my alarm clock didn't go off", you can recognize your responsibility and say, "I didn't make sure the alarm clock was set".

Instead of saying, "I'm not wealthy because I did not win the lottery", own up to your actions and say, "I'm not wealthy because I don't do all I can to be wealthy".

Instead of saying, "I'm upset because my kids made me angry", accept your emotions and say, "I'm upset because I interpreted what my kids did as if they were inconsiderate".

Excuses are the tools with which persons with no purpose in view build for themselves great monuments of nothing
- Steven Grayhm

How to list your excuses (and get rid of them)

Think about it as a funny thing. The funnier you make it, the easier it will be to see how ridiculous it is to hold on to each excuse. When I was in my military service, one common excuse for needing leave of getting any type of concession was "My grandmother has died". That worked really well until you have "killed off" your 3^rd grandmother…
Make a list of all the things you are unhappy about and ask yourself, "Why am I getting this?" and watch all your anchors that are buried in the sand. "I don't find the woman of my dream because I'm not enough". My mom says "Every pot has a lid", so there is always a woman somewhere that will find you " enough" for her.
Make a list of all the things you want to be, do or have and ask again, "Why am I not getting what I want?" "I want to have more time with kids, but I can't find the time". People do not find time, they make it by changing priorities and being more effective.
For every excuse, find a contradiction. For example, "I don't have time!" All people in the world, young and old, rich and poor, stupid and smart, those who fail and those who succeed have the same 24 hours every day. They just use them differently. Contradictions loosen the anchor and help bring it up out of the sand for smoother and easier sailing.
Make a list of all the things you blame other people for you not achieving, feeling or doing. Blaming is a big anchor that is harder to get rid of. Many parents use their kids to explain why they do not go out as a couple ("Who will watch the kids?"), why they do not go to restaurants ("The kids will make a mess") or why they lose their temper ("Teenagers!"). In fact, there are many people who will watch your kids, many family restaurants where kids have lots of fun and many misunderstandings that are not caused by the age of your kids.

Pessimism is an excuse for not trying and a guarantee to a personal failure
- Bill Clinton

Happy list making. I know you will feel inspired and empowered after you finish working on this list.

I would like to encourage you to share some of your funny excuses below to help others. If you know anyone who could benefit from making this list, be a good friend and send them this post.

Join me again next week to make the list of 100 quotes to live my life by.

Smooth sailing!
Ronit

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Tags: beliefs, change, choice, Emotional Intelligence, focus, goals, motivation, personal development, personal growth, personality development, responsibility, self improvement, success

The Universe is Trying to Tell Me Something

Ronit Baras — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 05:04:15 +0000

Have you ever heard something over and over again from different, unrelated sources and you have said, "Wow, what a coincidence. I read about this yesterday" or "I got an email about this just last week"?

Well, when I get so many "coincidences" like that in a short time, I think the Universe is trying to tell me something.

One particular coincidental chain started a long time ago, when I was a kid. I listened to a "pirate" radio called "The Voice of Peace", which played one commercial over and over again, saying "Water. Drink only water". While they still played sponsored commercials for coke and other soft drinks, they ran this one more frequently than anything and did not get paid for it.

I loved the idea of that radio station, which promoted peace, and I loved the fact that they encouraged people to be healthy, unlike other stations that were selling air time to the highest paying advertiser.

When I was 18, I attended a workshop for girls about the world of cosmetics. Our presenter told us that if we wanted to have soft skin ("like a baby's bum"), we needed to drink plenty of water, regardless of the price of the moisturizer we bought. Well, 3 of us experimented with this and, just like she said, after only a week, everyone commented on our wonderful, glowing skin.

But these things alone did not seem like they were going anywhere yet.

10 years ago, I did a Reiki course with Barbara McGregor who was the editor of WellBeing Magazine and an authority on alternative and natural health. She told us that many health problems are caused by dehydration. She drank the whole day and it was the first time in my life I heard how much water is enough. "People need to drink 1liter (34oz or 4 glasses) of water per 22kg (49lb) of weight", she said. Barbara was about 60 years old and looked like she was 40 - energetic and full of life.

[The formula works out to 1 glass per 5.5kg (about 12lb) of body weight]

Still, I did not notice the direction of these coincidences.

Two years ago, Gal and I went to an evening seminar with an American expert who encouraged people to eat fruits and vegetables. One key thing he said was that he treated people with cancer by taking them on "water retreats", where they fast and drink lots of water. He said, "If you're unwell, drink 1liter of water per 22kg for a month first. If it doesn't work, go see a doctor".

At that stage, I felt the numbers were a bit coincidental. Gal and I thought he had probably read the same book or article as Barbara had.

A year ago, Gal went to a chiropractor to treat his back. Chris was a very interesting chiropractor because he also used kinesiology, which worked great. One day, he talked to Gal about drinking water and said, "If you drink 1liter for every 22kg of body weight, especially between 3pm and 7pm, many of your health problems will disappear".

This is when I started suspecting there must be something in that.

3 months ago, Denise, one of my clients, decided to set some health goals, saying that drinking water was a big challenge for her. She monitored her water consumption over a week and discovered she only drank about 2 glasses of water a day.

As a very creative person, Denise went home and made a water chart aimed at 8 glasses of water. She had researched on the Internet and discovered that with her weight, she needed about 16 glasses of water, but drinking 4 times as much water as before seemed a good start.

For over a month, we emailed and talked to each other on the phone and she said she was doing well with her new "water regime". Then, she came to see me for her second session.

I was shocked! Shocked! In front of me was a woman 10 years younger than the one who came for the first session. Denise looked glowing and happy. She looked like she had lost some weight, she had changed her hairstyle and although she was still a heavy women, she had changed the style of her clothes to something tighter.

"Denise, what's happened?" I asked her.

"It's the water", she said", I think I was half-asleep before. I have been getting those shocked comments in the last two weeks from everyone who knows me".

After that, every time I thought about Denise, I went to drink another glass of water.

Five weeks ago, Gal watched an item on one of the morning shows about moisturizing creams. The expert dermatologist who was interviewed on the show said there were two ways to have great skin - one was to use a good sun blocking cream, especially when you are young (sadly, that is a bit too late for adults) and the other was to drink plenty of water. Moisturizers, he said, only make the skin look good temporarily, no matter what the manufacturer claims.

When Gal told me about this show, I had a feeling the Universe was trying to tell me something.

Four weeks ago, I was reading a book about some unique marketing techniques. Although it was a business-related book, what caught my eye was a story about one person, I think he was a doctor, who had written a book about drinking water as the ultimate cure for diseases. His marketing gimmick had been saying he did not sell anything - no special water, not spring or filtered water. He had just told people to drink plenty of tap water. The people who had bought his books had looked for a catch, but he had simply written how tap water does wonders. He had made millions of dollars selling books that encouraged people to drink water.

At that stage, I said, "I think I've heard this a few times before".

Three weeks ago, a friend of mine sent me a PowerPoint presentation about a doctor who helps people cure serious problems by making them drink 1.5liter of water as soon as they get up in the morning. According to this doctor, about 90% of the health problems disappear after drinking water like this for a month, two months or up to three months.

I was a bit suspicious. I wondered why I kept getting this information from different people who did not even know of the others' existence.

Two weeks ago, my youngest sister watched a show on TV about health and wellbeing. She summarized the show with bullet points and sent it to her email list, suggesting we try these ideas. One of them was drink 6 glasses of water (1.5liter) before we brush our teeth.

At that stage, I was convinced the Universe was trying to tell me something.

The following Saturday morning, my 8-year-old daughter Noff got up wheezing (again). She had been using an inhaler for a month and I got sick and tired of it. I got up, turned my computer on and printed my version of the "28-Day Water Challenge". I calculated from the kids' weight how many glasses of water they needed (4 glasses for every 22kg) and put little pictures of glasses, a column for daily totals and a row for the average. I then encouraged everyone to participate. I figured if a doctor can treat cancer with water, wheezing should be easy and since Noff was only 8, if we did it together, it would help her keep her drinking up longer.

Let me tell you, this was hard. It made us all realize how little we had been drinking. We always seemed to feel like we had drunk more than what the chart showed and getting to our target number of glasses was, well, a challenge.

24 hours after we started, Noff stopped wheezing.

A week ago, Gal and I went to visit a friend in a hospital who is sitting in a wheelchair after a light plane crash and fighting his first standing steps like a baby. Other friends were there and we started talking about health, hospitals and medication.

I told them our daughter had stopped wheezing after a short a day of drinking 9 cups of water (she only needed 5, because she is small, but we had miscalculated). As we discussed this, I realized people would sooner consider medication, hospital, and therapies than something as easy and as natural as drinking water.

They were totally stressed about the idea of drinking 14-16 cups of water a day. They all knew how important it was to drink, they all knew they did not drink enough water (maybe 3-4 cups of water a day tops), but they refused to acknowledge the connection between drinking water and health.

One of them even said, "I'd rather stay sick than drink so much".

This made me think I had probably thought the same while the Universe was sending me all these "drink water" messages. It was too easy and I was just like my friends - willing to check many other options instead of trying something that was easy, cost no money, contained no chemicals and benefited nobody else (maybe other than City Council through my water bill).

I came home more determined to try. It would only be 28 days, Noff's wheezing had stopped already, so what did I have to lose? I encouraged everyone to mark their glasses off on the refrigerator and started doing the same myself.

It has been two weeks since we started the 28-day water challenge and none of us have reached our daily targets for two weeks. So far, this is what has happened:

Noff has stopped wheezing after 24 hours
Tsoof, our 14-year-old boy who eats like a horse, has said he was not that hungry anymore (maybe we can ever save some money…)
Noff started wheezing after forgetting her water bottle to school on Friday and drank very little at a festival on Saturday. On Monday, she drank plenty of water and at night (typical wheezing time), her breathing was smooth again
Tsoof has said he skin felt softer
I think my hair is softer and I have not changed any of my hair care products
Yesterday, Tsoof said he was very tired. When I asked him how much he drank, he said, "I forgot to take my water bottle to school"
During the first week, we all got up in the middle of the night twice or three times to pee
During the second week, we got up only once. Tsoof and Noff did not get up at all
Our toilets are very busy with everything that goes

Yesterday, I was convinced the Universe was trying to tell me something, because at night, I got an email from one of my community announcement subscribers. There are so many people on that list I do not know all of them and this person was totally unaware of what we were doing. This was the email (as is):

It is popular in Japan, to drink water first thing in the morning.

Many scientific researches proved the value of drinking water for people with series illnesses. The water treatment was very successful in treating almost 100% of illnesses like: headache, pain, heart, arthritis, epilepsy, overweight, bronchitis, asthma, kidney and bladder diseases, vomiting, ulcers, diarrhea, diabetes, hemorrhoids, all eye problems, constipation, cancer, period problems and problems in the throat nose and ears.

The treatment is:

As you get up in the morning, before brushing our teeth, drink 640ml of water
Brush your teeth and do not eat or drink for 45 minutes
Drink and eat as usual after 45 minutes
After breakfast, lunch and dinner do not drink anything for two hours (you can drink warm soup, warm water or tea)
If it is difficult at first, start with less and try to add water until you reach 640ml

Here is a list of how many days are required to treat each problem

High blood pressure - 30 days

Ulcer in the stomach - 10 days

Diabetes - 30 days

Constipation - 10 days

Cancer - 180 days

This treatment has no side effect, at first you will go to the toilet a lot.

When I read it, I was convinced the Universe was trying to tell me something. I think the Universe is very persistent and it is no coincidence that in the last two month, I had read it again and again. I decided I would try to drink 640ml (did they actually measured this precisely?) every morning before I brush my teeth.

It must be the answer to all the problems in the world.

I managed to do it today. I am one day closer to being tall, blond and blue eyed (see my picture at the top right)…

I am writing about it because I think that if the Universe has tried to tell you to drink lots of water before, this post is going to add to your list of coincidences. If this is the first time you have read about the importance of drinking water, I guess the Universe is using me as its messenger.

I will keep working on this. I have two weeks to go to decide if it was worth the effort. At this stage, one healthy girl is already worth it. I will see what I think about it after 4 weeks of getting up in the middle of night to go to the toilet.

My suggestion to you: instead of listening to other people (like me), try it yourself (print a copy of the 28-Day Water Challenge, write your name on it and start drinking and marking off glasses). And come back to tell everybody what happens, so that you may be another messenger.

The Universe is talking - we only need to listen.

Happy day,
Ronit

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Tags: beliefs, change, choice, diet, health, how to, lifestyle, overweight, parenting, Spirituality, wellbeing

The Worst Age for Kids

Gal Baras — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:12:03 +0000

A few days ago, I went to pick Tsoof up from school and bumped into his guitar teacher (Andrew Kennedy, a rare combination of a professional musician, a gentle human being and a good teacher). We had a chat about Tsoof's progress and how much he was enjoying his lessons, and then Andrew asked me, "How old is Tsoof?"

"Just turned 14", I said.

"That's the worst age", he said, "Lots of kids stay nice until about that age, but then they start having problems and going wild. That was the most difficult age for me too".

As it happens, both Ronit and I have heard this sort of warning from many people, so Andrew was expressing a very common notion about teens and how they change, but it made me want to write this post.

When Eden was born, she was an absolute charmer - she ate well, slept well, grew beyond the "normal" scale for babies and did everything babies do way ahead of the curve. Being first-time parents, we were very proud of her progress and growth and told anybody who did not run away about our wonderful bundle of joy.

People were happy for us, but many times, they said, "Yes, she's a really great kid, but you should know your luck might run out - there's the 'terrible twos', 'horrible fours' (or whatever they're called) and then the teen years, of course, so enjoy her while you can".

And that was exactly what we did. We enjoyed Eden's questions, naïve manipulation attempts, stubbornness, more questions and other stages of her development. We answered her questions, let her get her way sometimes, answered more questions and generally had a great time raising her.

We had some tough times (Ronit will write about them soon) and Eden was troubled, but we knew this had nothing to do with age. We got professional help, got over our challenges and, sure enough, Eden relaxed.

We enjoyed Eden like this for 6½ years, until Tsoof was born.

Our friends and family congratulated us on a new, healthy baby boy, but warned, "You know, having another wonderful child like Eden is very unlikely. You should get ready for Tsoof being completely different. Second children are typically difficult, especially when you have the third child (which we were planning to). Enjoy him while he's still young".

And we did. We kept enjoying him a lot longer than our friends and family had expected, though. We took him to Mexico when he was only 4 months old and washed him with cold water when we had to. He got over it. We moved him to Thailand, after stopping in Israel for 3 weeks, and he got Chicken Pox and had to adjust to the terrible heat. He really had a good time. Then, we moved him to Singapore, where he had the time of his life and we did too. After that, we moved him to cool Melbourne, where he still lived happily and gave us mostly joy. Tsoof changed countries, climates, schools, friends and cultures, yet remained a lovely kid.

All that time, Eden was growing up as a sensitive, intelligent, friendly and happy girl.

When Eden was 12 and Tsoof was 5, Noff was born. She was born with a problem in her hip joints, because she had been positioned right-side up in the womb. We had to put her in a special brace for the first 6 weeks of her life.

And she cried. Oh, boy, did she cry! The only way to make her stop crying was to hold her in our arms. As soon as we put her down, she would start screaming (good for her lungs, but not for anything else). Can you imagine the torture?

Despite asking the doctor and the nurse, this went on for 6 weeks. "See?" said some people, "You can't get luck with all your kids".

And then, the brace was off and Noff stopped crying and became a cheerful and playful baby. Turns out that full-body brace had been scratching her shoulders when she had lied down and her legs had pulled on it. Holding her in our arms had loosened the brace and stopped her crying. We found this out when we told the nurse she had stopped crying and she casually said, "Yes, they usually do. The brace sometimes hurts their shoulders and makes them uncomfortable". Arrgghh!

Anyway, when she was 1 year old (and very happy and healthy), Noff came with the rest of us for a trip by car around Australia for 6 weeks. She slept in a different caravan park nearly every day, swam in creeks, spent hours on my back while we hiked and trekked, sat for ages in her car seat and had the time of her life, just like everybody else.

When we got to Brisbane, Eden was 13, but she was wonderful. A year later, she was 14, but she was still wonderful. In the following years, despite all previous predictions, she turned 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 and 20. She finished school earlier than most kids, had a few jobs, got a driver's license, graduated from TAFE (Community College in American), got a full time job and started university studies.

All that time, she was polite, considerate, sensitive, a super sister to her siblings and a great daughter to us.

But that little chat with Andrew made me ask, "When parents believe in a 'bad age', what does than cause?"

I think it causes fear. I think many parents who have not experienced raising a child at a certain age (and see boys and girls as being different) become afraid of what their now-lovely offspring will turn into next and that is a problem.

It is a problem because kids get their sense of security from their parents. Thus, when the parents are confident and happy, so are the kids, but when the parents are afraid and unsure, the kids pick up on it very quickly and become uncertain too.

What happens next is the kids start testing, to see where the limits are. Fearful parents allow them to get away with too many things, being afraid to make things worse and the "monsters" gets bigger. By being lenient, the parents are putting 2-year-olds, 4-year-olds or teens in charge and that is not good.

Add into this mix fear-stirring beliefs, like "Kids of divorced parents become unruly", "Working a full time job means you're not spending enough time with your kids" and the likes, and pretty quickly, you have fire-breathing dragons roaming around the house and causing all kinds of havoc.

So with all due respect, I think I am going to stick to enjoying my kids one day at a time and will continue to believe they will be great regardless of their position in the family or their age. Circumstances may cause them strife, but they are temporary and can be handled with care. As long as I am a pillar of strength in their like, they will be OK. As long as I do not blame things on age, I will have the presence of mind to find the real cause of stress and help my kids get through it.

I suggest you do the same.

Joyful parenting,
Gal

For a bit of help being a pillar of strength for your kids, book our Better Parenting Skills Workshop (anywhere in the world)

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Tags: behavior, children, discipline, Emotional Intelligence, family matters, family planning, fear, focus, how to, kids, parenting, parenting teens, Relationships, teenagers, teens, travel

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