Family Matters

Hormonal Teenagers (my brutal opinion)

Ronit Baras — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 04:45:24 +0000

Two weeks ago, I had a session with Ben, one of my clients, who talked about his daughter misbehaving, throwing temper tantrums and being very disrespectful. I think what hit me was when he said, "You know, teens are just hormonal".

I had heard the same statement from friends of mine about their own teens, both girls and boys, on a number of occasions.

And my answer is, "NO, I don't know teens are 'just hormonal' at all". Teens are not any more "hormonal" than their dad coming back from a long day at the corporate office or the building site, having dealt with stress and hard work. Teens are not any more "hormonal" than their mom having to take care of 3 young children in diapers, with the flu or in the back of the car on a long trip. Sure, teens go through hormonal changes, physical changes and mental changes, but this does not provide a good explanation for outrageous behavior.

I do not think this because my wonderful kids never go through any "hormonal" turmoil in the form of bad-mouthing, temper tantrums and disrespectful behavior. I say this because I was a hard kid myself before I was a teenager. A very hard kid. I was a troublemaker at school, a bad student and a temper-tantrum throwing screamer at home. Yet, by the time I went through my teenage hormonal changes, I had relaxed and never used swear words to talk to my parents, no longer threw temper tantrums and never acted disrespectfully.

So NO, I do not think hormones are a good way to explain bad behavior in teens. It is just not true.

If you are a parent of teens, keep reading, because this post is for you.

If you are a parent with younger kids, keep reading, because this post is for you too as a warning before you fall into the "hormonal teens" trap.

If you are not a parent and thinking of becoming a parent, keep reading, because this post will allow you to start clean.

Ben had a wonderful life. From the outside, it all looked great. He had a business, a loving wife, two kids and a fairy tale surrounding, but Ben worked very hard (like most people) to provide for his family and worked all day every day. He told me that when his son was 15, he bought Ben an EXIT sign for his home office to remind him to get out of his office sometimes.

One day, Ben traveled overseas for an event, met a woman and spent two weeks with her. When he came back, he realized what he had done and all his world (and his family's world) collapsed. Both his teenage kids found out about their dad's affair and Ben and his wife, who love each other very much, did their best to restore their relationship, but their daughter's "hormonal" behavior makes life unbearable for both of them.

Now, I have a question for you.

If you have been paying attention so far, you have probably noticed that Ben and his wife have TWO teenage kids - a boy and a girl. So, if both of them are teens, how come one is hormonal and the other is not? If you have 2 teens, one behaving normally and the other behaving wildly, how can you say, "You know, teens are just hormonal"?

I think grownups made up this hormonal excuse to survive the changes their teens go through, which is hard for them to handle. They blame hormones and live a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which they get exactly what they expect!

Get rid of damaging beliefs about teens

One of the best tips I can give you to help you raise wonderful teens (without any hormonal malfunctions) is to get rid of the belief that teens are hormonal and that their undesirable behavior has to do with the natural changes they go through. It is a myth, a very dangerous myth, that will only get you in trouble.

Parents do not reject the hormonal myth because their teens are great. Teens are great because their parents reject the hormonal myth
- Ronit Baras

Take responsibility for your part in raising your teens! Help them deal with their challenges head on, instead of blaming their hormones, especially when those challenges have something to do with you…

If you want to read about inspiring teens whose support structure helped them think highly of themselves, buy my book "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers".

Happy teen parenting,
Ronit

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Tags: behavior, beliefs, divorce, Emotional Intelligence, focus, parenting, parenting teens, projection, responsibility, self-fulfilling prophecy, teen books, teenagers, teens

Trouble with Loved Ones

Gal Baras — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 06:10:27 +0000

I bet that if you compare the amount of love you feel for someone, it will correlate well with the amount of hurt you get from them sometimes and possibly with the number of things they do, which trigger a strong emotional response from you.

What do I mean by this? Here are some examples.

Say you went to see friends and one of them made a comment about your clothes or your hair. More than likely, you would make a joke of it, attribute it to your difference in taste or the person's lack of tact, but no big drama. Now, what if you mother made that same comment when you were a teenager? A student? A grownup with kids?

Say you noticed a stranger leaving dishes in the sink and walking away. More than likely, you would shrug it off as their problem, or maybe someone else's. Now, what if this were your spouse or one of your kids doing the same at home, when it was their turn to wash the dishes ("Again")?

Say you walked into your workplace and noticed some people looking down with a frown and ignoring you as you pass them by. More than likely, you would assume they have something on their mind and figure it is their business, so nothing to it, especially on a Monday. Now, imagine the same thing happening on that same day as you walk in the door of your home and your family is doing the same. Would you be so calm and composed about it then?

Finally, say you have had a conversation with a friend about the best way for him or her to handle a certain situation, and later on, you realized they had gone and acted in a different way and even gotten bad results. More than likely, you would label them with some unbecoming name (no need to spell those out here), but let them deal with the consequences. Now, what if this were your brother, your spouse or one of your children? Could you just let it slide?

So why do we get so upset so often with the people who are most important in our life? Why is it we allow them less freedom to make their own choices than we do complete strangers?

I believe it is because we care and because we develop anchors.

Why do we care?

This may be the opposite of how you were brought up to think, but when it matters to us what people do, it is because it affects us in some way. Caring is not about them, it is about us.

If something bad happens to one of your kids, that gives you a lot to deal with, doesn't it? Hassles, money, worries and feeling of failure as a parent are just some of the things you may face should your offspring fail at school or get hurt. When your partner is sad, who needs to assume support position? You, right?

Intuitively, you might feel you care about the people you love, but in some subconscious way, their behavior and results reflect on you and affect your life, sometimes in very significant ways.

So the intensity of our responses to various situations has to do with how likely they are to impact our life.

Should we not care, then? Should we just let our loved ones do whatever they choose and stand by idly?

Of course not. However, when we examine their actions and their choices, we must remember they are all for them, not for us. The people we care about will always prefer their own considerations to ours and that is perfectly OK. When we communicate with them, we should therefore do it from their point of view and not from ours. For example, our teen kids should not do their homework for us, they should do it for them.

In much the same way, when the people we care about do things "the wrong way" and perhaps get "the wrong results", instead of being upset with them, as if they have hurt us in some way, we should look for the best way to help them move forward and do better next time. For example, we can suggest to our teens that their "D" score in Math might have something to do with not having done their homework and offer our help to get a better score next time.

Because fighting for the way we see things usually causes the other person to defend their own position and repeat their choices "against" our "better" judgment, there is no point presenting your case. Presenting the other person's benefits from taking your advice should help greatly.

Anchors away!

As we all know, anchors are those heavy things sailors drop in the water to stop their boat or ship. It may be tied to the vessel with a long cable, but at some stage, the anchor prevents progress and movement.

Emotionally, the very same thing happens with scenes that are repeated enough times. Initially, these scenes may be functional, but as people and circumstances change, they no longer fit. Yet, having been rehearsed so many times, the outcomes of these scenes are predictable, because we no longer think what to do or say next. We just do or say it.

The ultimate cliché example is riding a bike. At first, you need to keep the balance with your mind, but over time, your body gets the hang of it and you stop thinking about balancing yourself and just ride. Once you stop thinking about it, though, you never think about it again.

Similarly, if you come home and your son is on the computer, and you have had countless arguments with him about this, you may get instantly upset. You may start talking to him not as if this is a new situation, but as if this is an accumulation of countless situations, stacked together with the word "again".

But what if your son is using the computer for an urgent homework assignment and has worked on it diligently for the last 3 hours? What if he has not played a game or watched a video clip in days? You do not know and you do not ask. This looks familiar and therefore, it is the same to you.

This gets worse by often meeting the people we love the most when we are least attractive (first thing in the morning), most tired and stressed (at the end of a long working day) and during times of trouble (when they are sick, when we are sick and so on). Unfortunately, there are lots of opportunities for us during these times to get into unnecessary arguments and create unhealthy anchors, which we then strengthen every morning, every time we walk in the door, etc.

This is unfair, I know, but such is life.

So what can we do about it?

The first thing is always to notice and recognize what happens to us.

Do you get into fights when you are hungry? Do you argue when you are tired? Are you bugged by someone watching TV or playing on the computer? Do you feel upset when you have not brushed your teeth or done your hair and you "look like a mess"?

Your body is very clever at trying to tell you when you are about to step onto an anchor and enter a dysfunctional scene. You may get a sinking feeling in your stomach, you may suddenly feel tired, your neck may stiffen or your mouth may become dry. Whatever it is, pay attention to it and keep a clear head whatever happens next. Keep paying attention to every word being said and every feeling it arouses in you and keep asking yourself, "What is happening RIGHT NOW?"

Whenever you get the urge to bring up things from the past, this is a good sign you have an anchor. If something seems familiar, it may still be different this time around, but your anchors will blind you to any other option and drive you straight to your conditioned response, so pay attention to any references to similar events in the past and make a deliberate change.

Why not wait until you have eaten before starting to discuss things and stick to hugs and small talk in the meantime? Why not stop talking about important stuff after dinner and make a time to do it when you are refreshed - in the morning or over the weekend? How about taking a deep breath and asking the other person, "Hey, what are you watching/doing on the computer?" How about dealing with your morning self-consciousness or simply saying, "I'd like to brush my teeth and get ready first".

After noticing your miscommunication anchors for a while, it will be a good idea to take some time to notice changes in your life on a larger scale and consciously adapt your mental attitude towards the important people in your life.

When I was growing up, my parents continued to treat me in much the same way, despite the many changes in my abilities and preferences. I did my best to draw their attention to those changes, but was not happy with their response. Over time, our arguments over the same things got worse, until I preferred to live in another country to being next to them.

Today, as a parent, I sometimes stop and reflect on my communication with Ronit and the kids and align my approach with the changes I can spot - Eden getting her driver's license, Tsoof starting high school, Noff starting school or Ronit deciding to become a world-famous author. When conversations heat up, some part of me disengages and looks at the situation from the side, asking, "Hang on a minute. What's going on here?" after which I often relax and change direction.

Have a go at this and let me know what you have come up with, OK?

Happy communication,
Gal

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Tags: acceptance, change, communication, divorce, Emotional Intelligence, family matters, how to, judgment, love, marriage, parenting, pressure, Relationships, stress, teenagers, teens, tolerance

Parenting Kids by Your Values

Ronit Baras — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 03:56:55 +0000

When you think deeply about parenting, it comes down to passing values of right and wrong, as the parents see them, onto the kids. When kids come into the world, they cannot tell right from wrong and their parents become an important agent in their acquisition of values to guide them through life.

We believe that when we transfer our values - the things that are important to us - to our kids, this will help them be happy, successful, healthy people. Through words and actions, by being an example or focusing on particular aspects of living, all parents say to their kids, "This is important to me".

When we examine values in my parenting workshops, it is amazing to discover that parents put most of their energy on values that are not the highest on their list. In fact, most parents waste their energy on things they rate fairly low. They argue and fight over schoolwork and cleaning the house, while neglecting other, far more important things.

The greatest revelation for most parents is that if they want to transfer their values to their kids, they need to identify and prioritize them first. To discover your top values, ask yourself

If I could give my kids only 10 things before I die, what would those be?

It is amazing how wonderful the thought of dying is when trying to recognize your priorities (read In the Outback with Jasmine Banks).

Here is a list of values I find important and, let me tell you, it is hard to choose just 10 of them:

curiosity	love	sharing
caring	acceptance	friendship
wisdom	fairness	forgiveness
confidence	courage	respect
self respect	gratitude	honesty
creativity	tolerance	flexibility
joyfulness	motivation	persistence
happiness	adventure	learning
contribution	health	wealth
freedom	uniqueness

Parenting with your values in mind

If you want to instill your values in your kids' character and behavior, here are some tips to make it easy for you to have the values in mind in your every day parenting.

Once you have the most important values for you written in order of importance, ask yourself, "Do I demonstrate in my behavior that my top values are important to me?" Being a role model of behavior is the best way to instill values. "Walk the talk" is the most powerful way, because kids are small mirrors and they copy the important people in their life. By the way, if you think that what you do becomes more important when you have teens, think again! Kids absorb your every move when they are young and do not need to "unlearn" anything in order to develop good habits.
When you communicate with your kids, do they know your highest values? Ask yourself, "If someone asked my kids about the things that are most important to me, would they know?" Check with your kids and make sure they know what is important for you.
Set standards for yourself and your kids that will match your highest values. Be clear about your standards. When they are not kept, remind everyone about the rules by saying things like, "We do not talk badly about people behind their back".
Explain the meaning of your values to your kids. It is unreasonable to expect them to know what they mean without teaching them the meaning. They do not need formal lessons, but when you talk to them, say, "It is very honest to…" or "It was very friendly to share your lunch with your friend" to associate the action/behavior with the value.
Spend your time with people, families and colleagues who share the same values as you. It is very hard to hide your resentment towards people who do things you do not value. It is also very hard to explain to your kids why you choose those people as friends when this contradicts your highest values.
Do your best to be consistent, but if you cannot, which happens sometimes, tell your kids what made you temporarily sacrifice your value. For example, say you value family time, but you have to go to drinks with the people at work, you can tell your kids that making a living enables your family to survive, even if sometimes it requires being uncomfortable.
When you want to encourage your kids to choose to live by your values, give them 2 "right" options to choose from. This way, they have a choice, but whatever they do is good. For example, ask, "Do you want to help me cook dinner before or after you finish your homework" gets two birds with one stone.
When you find a song, a movie, a book or even someone else's personal experience that can highlight your values, tell your kids about it, send them the song or watch the movie with them. The aim is to highlight the things that are important to you and any excuse will do.
While we are talking about movies, make sure your kids do not watch movies that contradict your values. For example, if caring, sharing and love are high values for you, make sure they do not watch movies or play computer games with killing and blood.
Be approachable for your kids and share with them any knowledge you have that they want. Answer their questions honestly and they will grow up to be honest and to trust you.
When making a family budget, make sure to allocate money for the things you value. For example, if your kids' talents and learning are important, do all you can to let them pursue a hobby, rather than spending your money on another TV set. The way you spend your money tells your kids a lot about your priorities.
Search this blog for the things that are important to you and you are likely to find tips and ideas on getting them across to your kids. There are plenty of posts about motivating your kids and helping them to be healthy, creative and happy.

Good luck. Actually, luck has nothing to do with it. Raising kids "your way" is a matter of choice, focus and persistence.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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Tags: behavior, beliefs, children, choice, communication, focus, how to, kids, learning, lifestyle, parenting, teenagers, teens, values, vision

TV Diet (1): Too Much TV?

Ronit Baras — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 05:02:51 +0000

Last month, I ran a workshop for non-profit organizations about the work we do at Together for Humanity. In the workshop, I gave participants statistics about kids' attitude to different cultures. Together for Humanity has worked around Australia with 50,000 kids from grades 4 to 12 and collected the information about their attitude in a survey. What do you know? Kids are racist! Very racist!

Regardless of age, most of the surveys showed bad attitude towards Muslims. When we asked the kids if they had ever actually met a Muslim person, most of them answered "NO".

In their survey, kids answered that Muslims were not friendly, they were scary, they did not care for others, they did not have good morals or respect for women, they were unkind and arrogant and they were dangerous and racist - all without ever meeting a single Muslim person. What do you think about that?

Where did those kids get their negative impression of Muslims? I say they got it from watching too much TV.

In the workshop, I asked the representatives of the organizations to tell me what they thought about our survey results and they all said, "They get it from the media".

Time and time again, when I ask parents about the things they fight with their kids over, too much TV always features on the list. I know it scares me that my kids watch too much TV, so I think it is a good idea to put some order into the TV topic.

TV Statistics

TV-Free America published some statistics about TV watching habits:

The average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day. This is 28 hours every week or 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year!
In a lifetime of 65 years, that person will have spent 9 years watching TV non-stop
The average number of TV sets in an American household is 2.24
There are three or more TV sets in 66% of American homes
The average number of hours per day that TV is on is 6 hours and 47 minutes
66% of Americans regularly watch television while eating dinner
The average number of minutes per week parents spend in meaningful conversation with their children is 3.5 (30 seconds a day!)
The average number of minutes per week a child watches television is 1,680
The average number of hours per year an American youth spends in school is 900
The average number of hours per year an American youth watches television is 1,500
The average number of 30-second TV commercials a child sees in a year is 20,000
The average number of TV commercials by a person sees by age 65 is 2,000,000
53.8% of TV time is devoted to stories about crime, disaster and war
0.7% of TV time is devoted to public service announcements

Now that you have read these statistics, you have two options: You can deny it and say it is impossible or you can get really scared!

The main reason people are concerned about the influence of TV on kids is that kids do not have many filters and it is easy for them to misinterpret what they see on TV.

The influence of TV is not limited to kids. Grownups are also influenced, because without this, advertising companies would not be making so much money. Just see how well drugs are selling because of TV advertising.

People watch TV for many reasons. I remember the first days of TV in our house when it was pure entertainment. It was a wonderful way to see the world and to learn new things. It was also a cheap replacement for going to the movies, because movies were so expensive we only watched 3-4 a year. So TV is not all bad. I can think of at least 10 very good reasons to watch TV:

TV is fun and can keep kids and adults entertained for a long time
TV can be very educational at any age. When my kids were babies, I watched with them wonderful kid shows (like Barney and Blue's Clues) that were colorful and happy with lots of positive values
TV is also a great source of information and learning. When I studied a second language, math or science at school, we watched great movies and TV shows to help liven up those subjects. The Discovery Channel is wonderful at teaching us about the world around us. This week, we watched something about space and the universe and a show about Stonehenge. In the past, you could only get this information if you went to university and specialized in these topics, but now, almost every child has access to them
TV can stimulate creativity. There are many shows about art and invention and they are presented in an easy and encouraging way, which I think is great
"How to" shows on TV help make life easier and/or cheaper - how to keep a nice garden, how to fix things, how to cook, etc
Watching TV is a form of relaxation. Many people watch TV just to clear their mind. They watch for the sake of watching, without any reason other than to relax
Some TV shows are meant to stimulate discussion, exchange ideas and make people think. They promote discussion about justice, morals and ideals
TV shows about the world around us increase our social and cultural interest and open our mind to different ways of living
Some TV shows are targeted at kids with special interests. Music concerts for music lovers, fashion shows for fashion lovers, science shows for science loves and art shows for art lovers
People who love travelling can see other places in the world in a very cost-effective way

You are probably asking yourself, "If you think TV is so good, why are you so worried about it?"

Join me next week for the other side of TV and the reason TV brings up concerns for parents.

Until then, have a great week!
Ronit

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Tags: children, choice, communication, family matters, focus, K-12 Education, kids, learning, lifestyle, parenting, relaxation, television, tv, values

Make a list (8): What I like about me

Ronit Baras — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 03:29:04 +0000

One of my clients, who was very critical about herself, was very surprised when I asked her "What do you like about yourself?" She thought about it for a long time before she found something nice to say about herself and you know what, it is hard to blame her.

In our culture, compliments are statements we are supposed to hear from other people, but never say about ourselves. Kids are totally dependent on the adults in their life to tell them what they like about them and, sadly, most of the time, the compliments are "I like you for doing what I want you to do". I find it hard to like compliance and obedience in myself, because I believe they comes out of fear. When I do something out of love, my motivation is internal.

Many people, when I ask them what they like about themselves, tell me it is strange to answer this question, because they have never thought about it. Most people spend a lot of energy on making others like them and very little on liking, loving, appreciating, admiring and valuing themselves.

In the Be Happy in LIFE coaching programs, loving yourself is essential to every success, whether it is in your relationships, your parenting, your job or realizing a dream you have. Self-love is fundamental in every personal development program. You are the centre of your universe, so when you love yourself, everything in life becomes a positive refection of your self-love.

A course in self-love

Making a list of things you like about yourself is just one aspect of the self-love course. Once you learn to appreciate yourself, your choices and your desires, life becomes easy. When my clients are down, I ask them to look at their list and lift their spirits. We all have wonderful qualities we sometimes forget, but if we know where to look…

The reason you need a list is to make sure you will never forget that you are good and special and wonderful and worthwhile!

How to list "100 things I like about myself"

Write all the character traits you are happy you have. Find and write down examples for each of these quality. For example, I like myself when I am determined, like when I went back to school after being kicked out in Grade 10 (yes, I have a degree in Education, but I was kicked out of school in Grade 10 for failing 5 out of 7 subjects).
The more examples you have, the better, so write a separate item for each example, even for the same quality. For example, I like myself when I am determined, like when I got pregnant again after losing two kids (alas, this one is also true).
Go over your life and examine your choices. Write down the choices that have helped you move forward and have gotten you to a better place. Remember making tough choices, brave choices and important choices that have made you a better and happier person.
Write the physical features you like in yourself. Like "I like my boobs because after 5 pregnancies and breastfeeding three kids for 7 months each, they still stand tall and proud"
Make a list of your achievements. If you consider them achievements, you like yourself for achieving them. I hope you get 100 only writing your achievements. I can easily write thousands of things in this item regarding my kids. Everything I am proud of them doing, I like myself for raising them, for being involved in bringing them to such place. Every success in their life is mine too.
Add to your list some knowledge you are happy and proud to have. I like myself for being able to study to speak basic Thai, because it was hard for me.
Add your special skills to your list (which may be connected to your achievements and your choices). I love myself when I teach. I love myself for being creative and coming up with new ideas to explain things and make people understand them like magic. I love myself for being able to enjoy the company of friends, regardless of what we do.
Think of what others like about you. When you run out of ideas, ask those who love you why they love you and what they love about you.

Remember, this list must be big and full. If you want to learn to love yourself, first make a list of things to love. Do not rest until you finish it. If you are out of ideas, get others involved. Then, read this list every day until you convince yourself you are wonderful!

If you are doing this activity with your kids, talk to them about each character trait and focus on the examples more than the definition. Kids only start thinking good things about themselves when people around them tell them good things about them, so tell them!

Remember Barney's song? I think it needs to be changed to "I love me, you love me, we're a happy family…"

Happy list making!

Join me next week for "100 things to ask for my birthday".

You are gorgeous,
Ronit

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Tags: beliefs, Emotional Intelligence, focus, gratitude, happiness, how to, inspiration, Life Coaching, love, motivation, perception, personal development, personal growth, personality development, projection, self improvement

Motivating Kids (18)

Ronit Baras — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:29:57 +0000

External Influences and Sustainability

In the process of motivating your kids, you will find that your kids are also influenced by others. If that influence is positive - great! But sometimes, others' behavior and words might be de-motivating for your kids.

Although parental influence is typically the strongest in a child's life, parents may face challenges cleaning up bad effects created by other sources. After all, keeping kids at home, away from all the other people who might tell them they cannot succeed or expose them to stories of despair and failure, is virtually impossible.

So what can parents do?

I would recommend becoming aware of the various sources of information and pressure in your kids' life and focusing on balancing them with your own values. Bear in mind, some influences cannot be eliminated, such as partners who do share your attitude, siblings with a negative outlook and other family members you cannot stop seeing. Instead of saying bad things about those people, try to emphasize the others who present the right attitude and behavior.

Discover the Naysayers

To deal with your kids' de-motivators, you need to identify who they are and what they do to de-motivate your kids:

Make a list of all your kids' influencers - family members, friends, carers, teachers, teammates, playmates and so on
Rate their influence on your kids (from 1-10) - in terms of motivation, how positive are they and how important is their opinion?
Ask your kids to rate their influence as well
Compare what you think about those peoples' influence and what your kids think about it
Order the list with strong and very negative influencers at the top. Unimportant and positive people can be taken off
Discuss with your kids how those people contribute to their life in a good way and how they contribute in a "not so good" way. Guide your kids by asking age-appropriate questions that will help them recall and classify behaviors and events
Counter de-motivating influences by providing positive examples and linking them to positive results and happiness. For example, if one of your kids has a "cool" friend who refuses to practice playing the piano, give an example of someone else who practices happily and succeeds, while still being "cool" (Harry Connick Jr? Stevie Wonder? Alicia Keys?)

Tips

When making a list of influencers, you can do the same exercise on yourself (did you see that one coming?). Ask who has influenced your own life? Start with the family circle, teachers, friends and even neighbors. You are likely to find influences you have never thought about
Comparing rating will give you an indication of the difference between your perception and your kids'. No one is right! It is just a perception. However, I believe that kids are young and cannot always see through things. I can see bad influences on my 20 year old daughter that she does not recognize at all. This is because I see them from the outside, but also because I am a parent and I have more life experience
If you think someone is de-motivating your kids, ask them, "Do you think this is a good thing to do/say?" Sometime, this question alone will do the trick
Keep telling your kids you want them to hang around people who will make them feel and think highly of themselves and motivate them to be the best they can be. It may help them think of some of their relationships that are not so healthy for them
Bear in mind you cannot eliminate some influences at all. Bad mouthing that person is not a good technique as it pushes your kids to take sides and might leave you on the losing side. Work for your kids' good, not against anybody else. Guide your kids towards their own "Aha" moments and let them make their own changes

Usually, finding the de-motivators and their methods is a good way of finding what works on your kids. For example, if someone puts them down with words, you can use the praise and appreciation techniques to counter that. If they are influenced by people who give them gifts, you can counter that with your own rewards (see other posts in this series).

Self motivation and sustainability

The main aim in motivating your kids is to make them think self-motivating thoughts by themselves, which will ensure they will be able to find strength within themselves to move forward. Here is a quote I love very much by Marianne Williamson, which expresses the challenges of adopting self-motivating thoughts. This can be great inspiration for kids and grownups alike. I have it posted in many places in the house and I have put a copy of it in each of my kids' albums.

I'm proud of me!

From a very early stage, kids learn to be modest and because they do not fully understand the meaning of modesty, kids confuse being proud with being arrogant. Therefore, they find it hard to have happy, positive thoughts about themselves in fear of being seen as condescending. Believe it or not, most people would rather think low of themselves than be considered arrogant.

If your kids can motivate themselves, you know your job is half done, because they will be able to fill their confidence tank by themselves and be happy.

You are probably asking yourself, "How long will I have to motivate my kids for?" The answer is probably, "For the rest of your life". However, you may not need to do much when your kids are grown ups and can fill in their own bowls of praise and self-appreciation. You will not have to work that hard when they surround themselves with people who share the same values as you and who will be able to motivate and support them even when you are not around.

When your kids have the right people around them, coupled with the right attitude and skills to motivate themselves, you can relax and be certain you have put them on the right path.

When my kids say, "I was very proud of myself today", I know I have done a good job as a parent.

First, give your kids some "fish" - love, care, happy experiences and encouragement to make sure they will survive. Then, teach them how to "fish" - encourage them to love themselves, to care for themselves and to give themselves happy experiences.

Only when you reach that second level does your motivation become sustainable!

Summary

Find your kids influencers and pick the de-motivators
Compare what you think about those influencers with your kids' perception
Work with your kids on recognizing whether an influence is good for them or not
Counter de-motivation with encouragement and positive, motivating ideas and never bad-mouth others
Teach the difference between arrogance and pride and encourage them be proud of themselves

Motivated parenting,
Ronit

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Seeing I to I

Gal Baras — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 06:23:41 +0000

Here are some statements you may recognize:

"You never listen to me"
"You always have to get your way, don't you? We always end up doing what you want"
"You just think you're the greatest and I'm just some idiot you can fool"
"You're a jerk, that's what you are, and you know it"
"You're always so right, aren't you? Well, you just think you are, but you aren't!"
[Add you own]

Now, please take a minute to really experience each of these statements. If somebody, especially somebody you love, who may be upset at the moment, said this to you, how would you feel?

Notice how they all start with the word "you"?

Notice how they over generalize, presume to know what you are thinking or both?

Notice how the last one even goes further by stating something on your behalf and then responding to it as if it were true?

If you have been in a long term relationship long enough (and since you are reading a parenting blog, it is likely you have been), you can probably come up with quite a few examples of things "the other person" says to you on a regular basis, which you find infuriating. In fact, saying them is just like pressing some invisible button in your mind and triggering anger and resentment.

After delivering one of these "beauties", all Hell breaks loose and conversations become fights. In fact, you may wonder sometimes how a nice evening turned into a storm in seconds. What went wrong?

Before we move on, please take another minute to find a few statements similar to those listed above, which you use, maybe not frequently, but regularly, in your relationships, after which there is no return.

You see, the key here is taking responsibility. Let me explain.

Responsibility is when you own and account for your actions and feelings. This sounds like a lot and it sometimes is, but unless you are a minor and unless this is a legal discussion, every person in the world has the power to control his or her actions and feelings. Not just actions. Actions and feelings. If you cannot do something, you can always decide to feel good about it anyway. If you do something well, you can choose to be happy about it. Are you with me so far?

The great thing about this definition of responsibility is that as soon as you adopt it, you are accepting ownership of everything you do and feel, while at the same time letting go of other people's actions and feelings. After all, those are their responsibility by the same definition, so you do not have to worry about them anymore. Do I hear a sigh of relief?

So let's say you are really good with technology and your wife is not. And let's say she does things in a way that gets her in trouble later and you bail her out and then show her how to do it properly the next time. And let's say you have already been in this situation a number of times, but sure enough, 2 days later, she has done the same thing again.

Many people (I dare say most people) will choose Option 1 and say "You never listen to me. I've shown you how to do this properly a million times. Why don't you listen once?"

Looking from the sidelines, it is clearly a very inaccurate statement and contains assumptions about your wife's abilities and intentions. Specifically, she probably listens sometimes or you would not be together, a million is an inhumanly large number of times to show anything to anyone. And maybe she was doing her best all the time and simply cannot relate to technology well enough to save her life.

May I suggest Option 2?

The responsible way to describe this situation is that your wife was doing her best and you got upset. She may have used the opportunity to get a service from you to feel loved. She may have wanted your attention. She may have been trying to make you feel capable, or she may have forgotten everything you had told her, because this looked different to that other time.

But you got upset.

So just say it the way it is, "I'm frustrated I have to stop what I'm doing and come to help you when this is something I've shown you how to do before". Much better!

The likely response will be, "I know you did, but I need to finish this and I'm under a lot of pressure and I couldn't remember what you told me last time and this looks different and I wanted to make sure I do it right and I knew you could help me. Will you help me? Please?" Awwwww…

In coaching sessions, we often suggest to our clients to view people as large ships. Each ship has a few hundred crew (the subconscious mind) and one captain (the conscious mind). A relationship is like two of those ships sailing side by side.

When one captain wants the other ship to change course, he (or she) must use external communication channels, like radio, flags or light signals, to deliver his messages to the other captain. Alas, the captain does not do the communication directly. He tells his crew to do it and they may change it a bit. On the other ship, the crew receive the message and deliver it, more or less, to their own captain, who then decides what to do.

All this time, each captain only knows what goes on aboard the other ship through this somewhat questionable transmission method, and has absolutely no direct way to influence changes on the other ship.

So it is best not to assume anything about the other ship and let the other captain know as much as possible about our own status, so he can make informed decisions.

The best way to communicate, especially when things get a bit emotional, is by "Seeing I to I":

1. Start your sentences with the word "I"

2. Describe your feelings as accurately as possible. It is OK to feel (men, are you still here?). Really, it is. There is a difference between frustration and sadness and once you focus on coming up with a good description, you may find more clarity in your own mind even before you start talking

3. It is also OK for the other person to feel. Agreed? As long as he or she sticks to "I", how can you argue? Without "you", nobody is saying that anything is your fault, so it is not

4. Use the word "you" only to say good things or to recall indisputable facts. For example, "I got really worried when you weren't home at 6". Even then, tread carefully, because words and phrases can easily be redirected ("I don't need you to worry about me. I'm not a kid")

The next time you find yourself in a surprisingly hostile debate, recall your last few statements and you may find "you" in them. Stop, breathe deeply, take mental responsibility for your feelings, apologize and rephrase using "I". Should be smooth(er) sailing from there.

I will be very happy to read your experiences using these tips, so please try them and share with us what happened.

Happy communication,
Gal

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Tags: behavior, beliefs, communication, divorce, Emotional Intelligence, focus, how to, judgment, Life Coaching, marriage, parenting, parenting teens, teenagers, teens, tolerance

Telling Parents the Truth (4)

Ronit Baras — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:29:09 +0000

When people debate what to say to parents when their kids have problems, they say, "Parents don't want to know", but I say that if the parents had not thought something was wrong, they would never have come to see me. After years of following what I believe my job is - to highlight the challenges and the gifts and make sure kids develop without obstacles - I feel very confident telling the truth. My reports are the truth and nothing but the truth, and when I do not know exactly what the problem is, I recommend seeing someone who does.

Shauna's mom called me very concerned. "My daughter Shauna is a wonderful, sensitive girl, but something's wrong with her", she said.

Over the years, I have learned to trust parents' gut feelings. They do not always know what might be wrong, but something makes them uncomfortable and together, we find out what it is and help their child. "Mom knows best" (or dad) is right every time.

Shauna was a 12-year-old girl who loved dancing and social interaction (kinesthetic), although her mom and dad were very academic (digital) and did not really understand why it took her so long to do her homework or why it was hard for her to concentrate on her projects.

"She is very tired, but she is always happy when she dances or hangs out with friends", her mom told me.

During the 3 sessions I had with Shauna, I did not find any learning difficulties, although there were gaps in her reading.

When I had a meeting with both her parents, I explained Shauna's communication style (kinesthetic), which means she was emotionally vulnerable in times of stress. I showed them her assessment and pointed out 3 areas of reading on the test that were low. I asked them if during the periods when these things were taught at school something happened that could have interfered with Shauna's learning.

"Something like sickness, stressful time at home or a big change", I suggested.

Shauna's mom and dad looked at each other. They could recall things that explained every one of the periods I asked about.

Then, we discussed Shauna's dad's concern about her being tired. In the next part of my report, I wrote that Shauna's energy level was low and I recommended seeing a doctor.

"She is growing and dancing many hours a week. This is why she's tired", Shauna's mom said, but I felt differently.

"It's better to go and find out everything is OK than not to go and find out too late that you should have done something to help her", I said to them, "Most problems are a lot simpler to fix if you discover them early".

I gave them a workbook to help Shauna with her spelling and instructions to close the gaps in her reading and writing.

"Please tell her Ronit said she is awesome, because she is", I told them before they left, "And ask her to send me emails". During her assessments, Shauna and I had written each other emails. I would ask her about her day and she would reply with 3-5 sentences. I told her parents that reading my emails and writing back, together with the workbook, would make a difference.

This week, about 2 months after seeing Shauna's parents, she replied to one of my emails. I bring the letter here for you to see for yourself. It is much longer than 3-5 sentences.

Dear Ronit,

How are you? I hope that you are fine.

Sorry I haven't been emailing you, it's just that I was sick and really busy. I had blood tests and the doctors said that i am anaemic and also had a mild strain of glandular fever. So i was really busy trying to catch up on my school work and dance.

I'm starting to feel a little better but still get really tired some days.

My holiday was great, it started with my cousin and her husband coming to visit us. I really enjoyed spending time with them. We also had a big wedding in our family, my other cousin got married and I had to do a special reading at their ceremony, everyone congratulated me on how well I read my speech.

I spent part of my holidays with my grandma and we went to the movies three times in the week.

Going back to school was good to see all my friends but bad because now I don't get to sleep in!!!

Next week at school, we have a test. I am nervously excited!

I always remember the words you said to my parents about me: "Shauna is so awesome" and it makes me happy and think about you!!!

Thank you for thinking about me and emailing me. I promise that i will not take so long to reply again.

Speak to you soon

Shauna

Two months is all she needed!

If you are a practitioner wondering whether to tell the truth or not, remember Shauna.

If you are a parent wondering whether you would like to know or not, remember Shauna.

It is much easier to fight the devil you know. Always.

Inspired parenting,
Ronit

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Tags: academic performance, assessment, beliefs, children, communication, K-12 Education, kids, learning, learning disabilities, parenting, responsibility, success, trust, truth

Creative Kids (summary)

Ronit Baras — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 04:59:53 +0000

In the past few months, I wrote about why it is important for kids to be creative, what character traits they need to be creative and how to boost kids' creativity and bring it to a form of art.

Creativity is a learned skill and can be developed at any age and under any circumstances. Parents do not need a lot of resources and most of the tips and ideas described are easy and cheap. However, they do require that parents apply their own creativity and appreciate creativity as an important component in the success and happiness of their kids.

This chapter is a summary for all those who want to keep the ideas in one place, refer to them from time to time and implement them one at a time.

Teach kids to be curious about everything. Yes, it is a pain sometimes, but it is better to be curious than indifferent to everything around you.
Encourage your kids to fix broken items. Fixing is a form of problem solving. If they cannot be fixed, broken items can be a great source of learning.
Give your kids projects to do. Projects are goals and completing them requires kids to research, plan, commit and persist.
Allow your kids to be kids and let them play as much as they want. Playing games is a great way to learn new things and build new skills.
Post inspirational writing about creativity to help your kids think creativity is a treasure. Just browse the Internet for inspirational writing about creativity, print big and bold and post in a visible place. You are welcome to use the many quotes on this blog.
Find objects in the clouds. Imagination is a key ingredient in creativity.
Encourage your kids to be creative about failure. Make sure they understand that trying and trying again is a formula for success.
Encourage your kids to have a treasure box, collect things that interest them and play imaginary games with them. Join in their games too.
Play with your kids the "What if?" game to boost imagination.
Explore art as a way to develop creativity. Any form of art will do the trick.
Teach your kids planning by using questions. Remind them to ask who, what, why, when and how.
Encourage your kids' sense of humor. Creativity and sense of humor go together. Tell jokes and watch funny movies with your kids.
Play the "white page" activity. Find 100 things to do with a white page.
Encourage recycling art. Recycling art requires the ability to see other usages for common things.
Encourage interest in science fiction and fantasy. Watch science and fantasy movies and bring home fantasy and science fiction books.
Use quiz books (word search, Sudoku and other quiz games) to develop your kids' problem solving skills.
Use puzzles with more and more pieces.
Encourage your kids to read inventors' biographies. Learning about creative people can be very inspiring.
Play dictionary games.
Allow your kids to experiment with your digital camera.
Encourage your kids to make music. Let them make noise until it becomes music.

The theory behind raising successful and creative kids is that it requires creative parents with all the character traits they want their kids to have.

If you want to make this goal of raising creative kids manageable, read Creative Kids (1) and examine all the character traits described. Tick the character traits you think you possess as a parent. The ticked items are probably going to be easier for you to teach your kids and can get you some of the way there with less effort and more fun.

Look at the traits you do not have and ask yourself what you can do as a parent to develop those abilities? Ask and the answers will come. If you develop those traits and they become part of you, it will be easier for you to teach them to your kids.

Many times, a combination of both parents can do the trick. If Mom has some of the traits and Dad has others, it will be enough to encourage kids to adopt them all. I can recognize traits that I naturally have and others that I am very lucky Gal naturally has and I can see each of those in our kids.

Remember

Creative parents raise creative kids

Happy and creative parenting,
Ronit

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Make a list (7): Ways to say "I love you!"

Ronit Baras — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:41:03 +0000

Love is a canvas pattern furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination
- Voltaire

Love, as you probably know, is one of the most wonderful feelings. Some people claim there are only two feelings - love and fear - and every good thing in life is a form of love and all the bad things are forms of fear. A stronger version of this only recognizes one feeling - love - and all the rest is lack of love.

Whether you define love as the ultimate feeling or just an important one, there is no doubt that being loved and loving can make us the happiest ever.

In our communication with people, it is important to remember we are emotional being doing everything we can, positive or negative, to get some desired emotion. Love is an important part of our communication and it is sad so many people in the world do not feel they are loved.

In one of my courses, during the session about love, a 60-year-old woman told the group that her parents had never loved her. Imagine this for second - living for 60 years and thinking your parents do not love you! Later on, after I introduced what you are about to read, she realized her definition of love had been limited and her parents loved her dearly and we all cried together (a lot - can you imagine her relief?).

If you want to have lots of love in your life, make sure you have a broad definition of love. Making a list of 100 ways to say "I love you" will have two effects - you will be able to express more love for the people you love and you will be able to recognize when someone else expresses their love for you. There is nothing worse than growing up feeling you are not loved only because you cannot see it.

The five love languages

Gary Chapman contributed a lot to the definition of love when he published his book "The Five Love Languages". In this book, he explored the meaning of love and the ways in which people express and receive love. In other words, how people communicate love to each other. What do you know? Many of the conflicts between couples and between parents and kids are the result of having different love "languages".

Although there are many ways to express love, Chapman found that love is expressed in five major ways:

Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch

Our feeling of love is like a tank or a battery. When it is full, we feel happy and can express love. Has it happened to you that you felt as if your batteries are charged and you are ready to conquer the world? On the other hand, has it happened to you that you did not feel loved and you lacked the motivation to do even the simplest things?

"What is love?" is a question each person answers in a different way. Because we different perceptions of the world, some things make us feel more loved than others, as if we rate other people's behavior as "more loving" or "less loving" ("If he brings me flowers, my tank fills up to 90% of its capacity", but "If she comes home late, my love tank drops to 20%").

Many conflicts in relationships happen because the way we express love seems to us like the only way love can be expressed. We give love in the way we would like to receive love. I may give "affirmations" to my partner (mom, dad, sister, one of my kids or a friend), and expect the same in return, but if they who expect and give "quality time", we will both feel we are giving without receiving until our love tanks are empty. With empty love tanks, it is hard to express love in any form. The good news is that unlike spoken languages, which may take years to learn, love languages are simple and easy to learn.

So what are those five love languages?

Words of Affirmation

Some people need to receive your love in words to fill their love tank. For them, saying "I love you" is the ultimate expression of love. In communication about love, we can hear people say "but you know I love you". Well, for the person "speaking" the Affirmation language, knowing is not enough. They must hear it or read it clearly spelled out. To show love to such a person, give them cards with nice words, tell them how wonderful they are, say to them "I love you", "You’re special", "I love it when you …" and praise them.

Quality Time

Some people need you to spend time with them in order to fill their love tank. For them, anything you do together is a sign that you love them. If being together is a challenge for you, but you do it anyway, then you love them even more. If your time is totally devoted to them without the need to share your attention with others, your love is more valuable. Going to a movie, cooking together, reading books with the kids or going on a trip are only some of the examples of what a person "speaking" the Quality Time love language will consider the best love expression.

Receiving Gifts

Some people love to receive gifts. They score the gift they receive in order to charge their batteries accordingly. Every gift makes them happy and even simple things, presented as gifts, will help them fill their tank. These people will use the gifts, admire the wrappings, cherish them and put them on display, while others will enjoy their gifts for a short time and move on to other things. They will also be the people who go shopping as a reward and shop to feel good. To show love to a person "speaking" Gifts, bring flowers, a book, a game, a pen and even a few nicely wrapped colorful pebbles.

Acts of Service

Some people measure your love by what and how much you do for them. The harder the thing you do for them, the more you love them. We are born to enjoy the services of our carers. For a person "speaking" Services, simple services like making the sandwiches in the morning, washing the dishes, taking the garbage out or making dinner can fill the love tank to the brim. When their tank is not full, people "speaking" this love language complain about doing "everything" by themselves and not being appreciated by others for their efforts.

Physical Touch

Some people need to be touched more than others do. Every physical touch, from a tap on the shoulder to passionate intimacy, fills their love tank. People "speaking" Physical Touch touch others a lot. To show them love, you can hold hands with them, kiss them, play with their hair, stand behind them and put your hands on their shoulders or massage their feet.

Each of us uses all five languages to some extent, but we generally prefer some expressions of love to others. Bear in mind, no love language is better or right. They are just different.

The best thing you can do is first accept that the people you love have a different definition of love to yours and that they may prefer to be loved in a way that is not easy or natural for you.

The second thing you can do is find out your love language(s). It will be easy for you to understand then why you prefer expressing love or receiving love in that way. If you feel you can, tell the people you love about your preference.

The third thing you can do is find out your loved ones' love languages. Asking is the easiest way. Then, show them your love in the way that fills their tank and watch them flourish.

Kids' Love Languages

Kids learn love from their carers. Because they have different carers - mom, dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles - their love language(s) may be different from their parents'.

Kids' behavior is a reflection of their love tank. It is a good idea for parents to use all 5 love languages to help their kids feel loved by a any kind of expression. When a child's love tank is empty and needs some quick refilling, using the child’s primary love language will fill the tank fastest. Remember, if you do not want your kids to grow up to be 60 and think you never loved them, point out to them various expressions of love, so they learn to recognize them. This way, they will be able to feel loved regardless of how love is shown to them and they will be happy.

How to make the list of 100 ways to say "I love you"

Affirmations

Make a list of things you like others to say to you
Add to the list words and phrases you know make someone else happy
Add ways to deliver your affirmations to the person you love: lunch box note, wallet, SMS, email…
Choose poems to send or give someone you love
Pick quotes of love you can say to someone who prefers affirmations as their love language

Quality time

Think of things you would like to do together with each of the people you love. Remember, for a Quality Time person, even cooking and having dinner together is an expression of love. You do not have to go very far to be together.
List things you know others are happy to do together with you. If you are not sure, ask.
Add hobbies you can share together. The name of the "quality time" game is "together". For a Quality Time person, sharing hobbies fills up the tank quickly.
List important events in life to attend as an expression of love: performances, award nights, birthday celebrations, graduations…
Go over your daily life and ask yourself if you could do it together with the person you love as quality time. It is easy. For a Quality Time kid, even cleaning the house is pure joy when it is done in your company.

Gifts

Think of gifts you would like to receive. If you are not a gift person, think of your birthdays and what you would ask for on your birthday.
Play the game "If I had all the money in the world and I had to spend it all on buying gifts for the people I love, what would I do?" It is a nice game and brings up more than just ideas for gifts.
The good news about a gift person is that the most important thing is not the size or the price of the gift, but the thought of giving it to them. You do not even have to buy anything. Giving something of yours or making something is also a gift. I always say that if you have a gift-loving kid, he will cherish a stone wrapped nicely. All you need to do when you come from work is say "I've brought you a gift" and bring them the nice empty box someone brought to work with cookies (of course, this only works for little kids).
Think of small things you can give to someone you love. I have a stock of stickers, small toys and candles I can take to a gift-loving friend when I go to visit. I remember that my mum used to pick flowers from our own garden and give them to the person we went to visit. Surprisingly, because they were from our garden, they were accepted as a more valuable gift.
Art and craft items are very good gifts. For a gift person, the thought is the most important thing, not the price or the size, so add to your list small, easy things you can make yourself to show someone you love them.

Acts of service

For Service people, everything you do to help is a great expression of love. Think of things you would be happy if others helped you with.
Imagine you had a genie that could do your work for you. What would you ask him to do? This will give you ideas of things you need help with.
Think of the people you love and ask yourself what tasks they have to do that you can help them do better, faster or more easily. It is as simple as cooking one night a week if your partner is the usual cook or mowing the lawn if your partner is the one who usually mows it.
Ask the people you love to tell you 10 things they would like your help with (if you have 10 people you love, you may already have 100 items for your list right there).
The best act of service to add to your list is to ask "How can I help you?"

Physical touch

What forms of touch do you like?
Think of the people you love. How do you think they like you to touch them?
Add hugs to your list. Did you know you need 12 hugs a day to keep the doctor away? Hugs are very important to our physical and emotional health and we need plenty of them. Add to your list to give and receive 12 hugs a day. Hugging is great, because when you give, you receive.
Holding hands for a Physical Touch person is a great way to show love. Hold hands, even in public.
Kissing of course means a lot more to a physical touch person. Kiss a lot!
People often avoid touch to avoid any sexual connotations, but blowing in your kids' ear or tickling them can be funny and innocent. List body parts you can touch freely and ways you can touch without being misinterpreted.
Touch does not have to involve the hands. My kids love to sit on us, which gives them a very close and intimate physical contact, while doing something else. Add some ways to touch without using your hands.

Wishing you a huge list of love expressions. Remember to add to your list things you can do to love yourself.

Join me next week for the list of 100 things I like about myself.

Happy listing and lots of LOVE,
Ronit

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Tags: affirmations, behavior, beliefs, change, children, communication, Emotional Intelligence, friendship, happiness, how to, kids, love, marriage, perception, personal development, personal growth, personality development, Relationships, romance, self improvement, touch