There's a scene toward the end of the 2013 Best Picture Oscar nominated movie Her in which Theodore, played wonderfully by Joaquin Phoenix, sits on the stairs leading down to a subway. He's distraught and his eye is drawn to people coming up the stairs toward him. There are men and women, but they are all talking to the computers in their ears. These people are oblivious to those around them and are in their own little worlds. Separate and craving for love and companionship, the citizens who populate Spike Jonze's Her are unable to truly connect to people. Instead they gravitate toward artificial intelligence and begin to fall in love and form strong bonds with these bodiless virtual beings.

I won't delve into reviewing Her here, but I will say that I loved the movie and would strongly recommend it to others. (Go see it post haste!) But after I saw the film, the events stayed with me and I started to think about people, relationships, love, my own life and where I fit into the grand scheme of things. That's a lot to take in after seeing a movie but because of that I believe it's worth the cost of a ticket to see the film as it sparked lots of debate within me. I'm an early adopter of technology and have been for as long as I can remember. What struck me as so melancholic in the movie are the connections (or lack thereof) among the people in the film. There is a great desire for people to connect. To have sex, to share fantasies and find emotional connections. A connection of two beings coming together and just "getting it." Knowing that you can speak your mind and express yourself, no matter how crazy and insane the thought, and another person will not judge you. I can identify with that need for emotional connection. True such friendship that evolved into a deep and lasting bond has only happened to me very infrequently in my life.

In today's fast-paced world, we are all rushing from one place to the next (at least those of us on the east coast of America). We rush to work, to get home from work, to take care of our kids, work some more and get up and start it all over again without a breath. I've noticed over the years that I'll stare in my book while on the train, tune out others listening to music or stare down at my iPhone, tweeting or reading tweets of others. But I and many around me, have shielded ourselves from others using technology. And that got me thinking: About loneliness and love.

Many years ago I started writing books about the same themes because I wanted to connect with people. If you look at my books and strip away all of their fantasy and magic, the themes are pretty simple. Someone is lonely and lost and they are looking to grow, find connection and true love. No matter how corny that might seem, I believe it's a common theme in much of our literature. Boy looks girl, finds her and they overcome great challenges to fall in love. But thankfully, in today's world, we also see variations: Boy finds boy or girl finds girl and a whole myriad of such choices. Yet when stripped down to its bare essence, the theme is the same: We're looking for connection, for love.

I often write about abstract themes: Loss of connection because of the technology we use, overcoming personal challenges, but I wanted to zero in on a basic human need: We want to belong. It's that simple. I and everyone around me (yes, there's always outliers) want to feel loved. We want to have connections and to belong. No matter if you're young, middle aged or older, the need is the same. Our perceptions of life lock us into our own little bubbles and we desperately bounce around trying to find connection. It might sound sad and depressing if I ended my post here. But I'm not. I'm going to suggest some things that might open doors for you as they've done for me.

Discover Yourself

A theme that goes through my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series is one that I hold dear to me: You cannot find true love until you truly love yourself. Self love is first. I can speak with lots of authority on this. I often wish I could go back in time and apologize to my past girlfriends because I had things all wrong. Because of the challenges I had in growing up, I misunderstood what it meant to find love. I fell in love with someone thinking that I could fix them and they could fix me. Two incomplete people coming together to make one whole. But I was wrong. Instead what two incomplete make are more dysfunction. I can't complete someone. They can't complete me. We can complement each other, but not complete. I believe we must first be whole people before we find true connection. The nature of how I looked for a partner started off entirely on the wrong foot. I found myself attracted to the wrong type of person. Now that I am older, I'm more aware of the red flags that flap in the wind when I meet people. Time has taught me a few things. But how have I learned to discover myself and start on the path toward self-actualization? It's been a difficult path and the true secret is: I know what I know but what's most important is that I know nothing. I do not claim to have the mysteries of life all figured out. You only need to spend 5 minutes with my wife and she'll give you a long list of my faults. I want to be clear here so that no one thinks I'm claiming to have the secret of pure happiness and personal contentment. That wouldn't be true, but I will share with you the paths I have taken:

Know Who You Are

I found taking the Myers-Brigg Type Indicator personality test to be extremely helpful. Self-realization is key. If you know who you are, then you can come to better terms to what makes you tick and why. I'll give you an example: The Myers-Brigg Type system is based off of four dichotomies:

• Introversion (I) - Extraversion (E)
• Sensing (S) - Intuition (N)
• Thinking (T) - Feeling (F)
• Judging (J) - Perception (J)

I lean heavily toward Introversion. For me, I can go to work, speak in front of people, interact with groups and thoroughly enjoy all of that. Introversion does not mean that I am shy. However, my source of energy is different from someone who falls into the Extraversion camp. After I have a busy day at work speaking in front of a lot of people, I go home and want to read a book or put music on and relax, taking time to think and recharge my batteries. A person who falls on the Extraversion side goes home, changes and wants to go out and be around more people. That person recharges by interacting with others.

The other three dichotomies fall into the same type of distinctions: For sensing and intuition, are you drawn more to specific data or intuit things? Thinking and Feeling are based around how you make decisions. How do you make rational decisions: From a detached standpoint or through empathy and compassion? And with Judging and Perception, these are your lifestyle: Do you make lists to complete tasks or are you more free flowing?

Once you take the MBTI test, you'll then have a sense of who you are and the scale for which you fall: Are you in the middle between Introversion and Extraversion or lean heavily toward one side? You can then take this information and learn more about yourself and how you interact with the world around you. Even simply understanding how I need to recharge my batteries is extremely helpful and allows me to know how to take care of myself when under stress. And for me, as an INFJ, I now know that's there only 2-3% of this type throughout the United States. No wonder I'm always looking around for like minded people and can't seem to connect. I've since learned that Nelson Mandela was an INFJ and Lady Gaga. Interesting.

Talk to Someone

In my 20s and at other times in my life, I have gone to counseling. When I first went back in the '90s, I feared admitting to that because there was a stigma to it. But as seeing a counselor has become more acceptable in society, such a resource can help you overcome problems or assist you on your road toward finding happiness. Again, this might sound all warm and fuzzy, but for me, talking with a counselor helped give me life skills that I lacked. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Many of us have. But I lacked the role modeling to understand how to develop skills to best put me on the path toward adulthood. There are many things to learn about oneself in counseling, but I remember in my 20s that my counselor taught me something that clicked. He told me that it is important for people to develop their adult inner voice. He explained to me that we have inside is a child, a parent and an adult inner voice. Here's an example:

• Child inner voice: I want what I want and I want it now.
• Parental inner voice: You can't always get what you want.
• Adult inner voice that needs to be developed: Is what you want healthy you?

Once you ask the question "Is it healthy" for you, then you can have the inner dialogue and make the decision. Maybe you might compromise and have some of what you want, maybe you won't. Over time, as my counselor helped me with this, I learned that I can apply this skill to many situations as a means to help me understand what would be healthy and good for me (and not what others told me).

Write and Read

I have written diaries, journals, slips of papers and emails to myself over the decades. I've tried to take the time to check in with myself. Now I write these blog posts. They're my journal passages to the world. If you've never written before, try it, you might enjoy it. When I was younger, my favorite type of writing was free flowing: I'd stay up late at night, turn my computer on, close my eyes and just type. It didn't matter if I made mistakes, I just let my thoughts flow. As a person who leans toward introversion, writing that way helped me recharge and process my thoughts and feelings.

I have also enjoyed reading. I cannot stress this enough: Read. Turn off the TV, put down the iPhone and make time to read (unless you're reading on your iPhone, then you're good!) Seriously, there are millions of books to read to help you learn about the lives of others and more about yourself. Here are a few I would recommend:

• A Life Worth Breathing by Max Strom
• Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by  Brené Brown
• The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown
• The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
• The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell
• Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
• Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell
• The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious by Carl Jung

Overwhelmed? It's okay. We have lives to lead and the work that I know and the work that we all do stretches out all along the journey ahead of us. To me, that's the beauty of it all. We're on a journey. The journey is the destination as the popular phrase goes. I often think about that and it makes me smile. The path of understand our inner selves will take a lifetime. Finding love and true connection comes when we understand ourselves. It takes time, but it will come. Be patient.

Rediscover Others

I've gone on longer than I had expected, but now we're at the pay off. We're looking for connectedness in our world, desperately trying to meet people, find someone and to make life matter. I want to take a moment to stop and share with you something I learned just yesterday. It's funny but I had started this post a few days ago and I wasn't certain how I would end it. But yesterday I learned about the Platinum Plus rule and something clicked. Many of us know the Golden Rule:

• Do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

Then there's the Platinum Rule:

• Treat others as they want to be treated.

But yesterday I learned about Diane Windingland's Platinum Plus Rule:

It took me a few reads to get it. Then it clicked. Might sound like a simple platitude but I look back at the Golden Rule and that's helped me many times over the years. I've not been a fan of the Platinum Rule because sometimes how a person wants to be treated goes against my own morals. Yet Diane Windingland's modified Platinum Rule gels nicely with me. If we treat others the way their best selves would want our best selves to treat them, we're achieving a good balance and are being respectful of boundaries. Again, we're in our bubbles and through life our personality bubbles intersect with others. How will we do that in a healthy way? Will be too demanding, needy, authoritative, codependent or find that healthy balance?

And if I take a step back, to truly look at others, listen to them and talk with them, I'm going to learn more about myself and who they are. No matter if it's your family, a coworker, friend, spouse, or boyfriend/girlfriend, there's a lot to be gained by using the Platinum Plus rule. Again, might sound corny, but I think it's a good start.

If you have the opportunity in the work place, knowing the Myers-Brigg Type Indicator of your coworkers can be extremely helpful. I said helpful, but not the only such way to get to know them. Your MBTI isn't a bible to understanding you or another. It's simply one of many tools out there. Knowing it can be useful, but I would not advise labeling people as that is all they are. Depending on a situation, people change/grow and adapt (though I've been told that under normal conditions your type does not change over time).

If we take a moment to learn about others and to rediscover who we think the people around us are by looking at them through a different lens, not only will we form better friendships, but it'll help us know more about ourselves and the way we connect with others.

Finding Ourselves and Love

All of this is simple. With all the paths I've shared here to help me in my life, it's only taken me four decades of work. That's not that bad, right? I joke, but my point is: I make stupid mistakes at 43. I still am on a quest to find connection with people and on how to grow. Let me share a secret with you: I have lived in the same house with my wife for nearly 15 years and we still work hard to keep our emotional connection. We are people and there is the ebb and flow of time. There are our jobs, our families, children, stresses, chores, bills and a whole damned list of obstacles that fly around us in our solar system of life. Our love, the sun at the center, and the worlds around us that we orbit and all the comets and the vast emptiness of space. A relationship is like an entire micro cosmic universe and there are times when we're close to the sun (our love) and farther away. I've found that to be normal. The challenge I've found is for me to be aware of myself, to be aware of my wife's and children's needs and to balance them all in the celestial system in my heart. We have a choice. We can choose to be like the people in Theodore's world that populate the movie Her and never find that connection with another. Or, we can take the risk to go on life's journey and screw up (like I have Cinderella do in my books) and find our way. It's messy, it can be a long road but I have found that I have arrived at places along the way that I could never have dreamed or imagined. It's my life. My beautiful and wild and awe inspiring life that I love and can look back and see how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. For inside, I'm still the little boy who is afraid of the angry father who abandoned him, but now I'm the adult who can pull my younger self close and hold him and with confidence tell him that it's going to be okay. "Do you love me?" that little boy asks of me and I smile at him and hold him close in my arms so tightly because I do. I truly do. And that is the best and most sacred secret about love that I can share: Love your self. From there, all else has come to me. It has, it does, it will. Trust me.

Please leave your comments below about this post. Are you a fellow INFJ? Let me know! Have another book that you would recommend that I read? Share it with me and other readers. Simply scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post and leave your comment. I would appreciate that. Thank you.

Images in the post: Warner Bros.

"Do You Love me? How to Find Emotional Connections and Companionship with Others" copyright © 2014 by Ron Vitale.

Ron Vitale is the author of the dark fantasy series Cinderella's Secret Diaries who hopes that his children will grow up to find their own voices and not allow others to dictate who and what they can be. Follow me on Twitter @ronvitale.

I remember my future father-in-law looking at us and saying, "You two are getting married? You have no idea what you are getting into." Considering he did not talk to us for several months after my (now) wife and I moved in together before we were married, I figured that at least he was talking to us. Those words were spoken to us more than 14 years ago. A lot has changed since then--some good, some sad.

I now have two children, I've more white/gray hair than I'd like to admit and I can never tell my father-in-law that he was right since he unexpectedly passed away a decade ago. I look around me and hear millennials talk about their QLC and feel old. I am now at the age that I can look back and remember how I was at 25 and realize that I had no clue. But the truth of the matter is, though I'm over 40, I still do not have a clue. Life is hard. A lot harder than I had expected it would ever be.

There is No Happy Ever After

I have been married for almost 14 years and with my wife for 19. As with any relationship, our being together has had its ups and downs. The courtship part was fantastic. We lived in separate locations, saw each other once or twice a week and had a blast. But what happens when you live together? What really happens when two different people come together to build a life, start a family and juggle work, marriage, and kids? Let me tell you: Sometimes it's not pretty.

When my wife and I decided to get married, we made some odd choices: We paid for the wedding, kept it to only 40 people with no wedding party and had the ceremony outside and the reception at a bed & breakfast. We caught a lot of flack from my in-laws. We weren't getting married in the Catholic church and also weren't inviting the people others thought we should. At the end of the day, we enjoyed our wedding and had a blast.

But an interesting thing happened the day after our wedding. My wife and I got into a huge argument. One of the biggest that we had ever gotten in during our entire relationship. We were newlyweds and had a full on meltdown. Without getting into specifics, I wanted one thing and my wife wanted another. Neither of us were wrong in what we wanted. However, we both couldn't have what we wanted. One of us had to give in and to compromise. I have learned that marriage is a complicated balancing act in which the power struggle (and trust me, there is one) needs to be balanced between the two people. My wife and I sum this up nicely on our wedding rings: "I am me, you are you, we are one."

I think about that every day. I have my own needs and dreams, my wife has hers, and we have ours. I think of our relationship as a fluid three dimensional venn diagram. Not very romantic but go with me on this. Our personal needs and hopes ebb and flow over time. Keeping my own individuality and voice can be hard in a long term relationship. At times, I have forgotten my own voice in favor of my wife's and she has done the same. Yet we are two different people. Some of our goals are shared and we work together, others are personal and have not much to do with the other.

The Wild Ride of Parenting

I'm going to say something and I want you to trust me that it'll be okay. Everything that I ever thought I knew about marriage, a career and having a child was wrong. The good news is that I had low expectations as I grew up in a dysfunctional family. No one had ever come to me and shared with me what being married was truly like. And parenting? What we see on TV and in the movies is pure fantasy land. Down to how babies are born. 

When my wife told me that she wanted to have a natural birth for our children, I thought her crazy. Seriously. I told her that she didn't have to show off and take all that pain (heck, I'm a guy and every birth I saw on TV had the woman scream as though the doctor was pulling her intestines out). Yet there is another way. We talked to a friend of ours who was a doula and learned about the Bradley method of birthing. Our son was born naturally in a hospital in which the doctor called the pre-med students in to watch the birth since they see so few natural births these days. A few years later our daughter was born in a birthing center. I took my wife into the center to give birth at 8 am and we were home in our own bed by 5:30 p.m. that same day. I tell people this and they think my wife and I crazy.

Am I crunchy? Am I fanatic and eschew medical attention? No and no. But I listened to my wife and learned that there are other ways of giving birth. I just didn't know of them. I look back and I'm impressed with my wife for her courage. She wanted to have natural births for our children and she did. I worked with her and became an active partner in the process, working with my wife on relaxation techniques during her contractions. I bring this story up because I believe it's important to question and to think about what we've been told. Life is not a fairy tale (well, for most of us). It is hard. In having children, it's messy, but an amazing experience.

We had prepared the best we could for being parents, but I'll tell you a secret: When we were home that first night with our son, he kept waking up every 45 minutes wanting to eat. My wife breastfed him, I tried burping him, walking him around to get him to calm down, but nothing worked. Over the years I've cleaned up poop, blood from cuts, vomit, and mucus. Parenting is hard, messy and brings out, at times, the worst in me. But I love being a father. Does that make me crazy? No, it makes me human.

You Can’t Have It All

From my perspective as a male, the war of words over whether women should lean in to the work place or hold back and raise children is a hotly contest mess. I can’t speak for those who have enough money to hire a full-time nanny. I can only speak of my own family. Raising children, having a career and trying to make time to stay sane is damn near impossible. There I said it. The truth (that no one wants to hear) is that it is not possible to be a good parent, chase after a high paid career and balance everything. Something has to give. My wife and I both work and have little time to balance everything else in our lives. Email is always on as is social media. In our jobs, there is no clear “quitting” time like Fred Flintstone. He’d hear the whistle at the end of the day, punch out and was on his way home. Most of my friends are in similar type roles in that there isn’t a clear end of the work day. The work day ends when you check your email before you go to bed at night.

And with children, there is checking homework, bathing, clothes to wash, activities to go to, play dates and hangouts (for an older child as “play date” is no longer cool) and an endless stream of responsibilities. I often tell my female friends who are unmarried: If you would like kids in the future, make sure that your partner really wants them too. Make sure that person will pitch in with taking care of the kids, cooking, and everything in between. If not, run. Run far and fast.

Even with two parents, the stress of juggling children and work can be a huge undertaking. But here’s the rub: Not many people really tell the truth about this. I guess we’re all just supposed to believe that everyone is happy all the time and life is grand. But that’s not often the case in my life. Life has been hard. There are times that I have failed miserably as both a husband and father. But then I have to get up, work on fixing the problem and try again.

When I jump on my soapbox, I look around me and lose hope. There are not many people to talk to honestly. Instead I turn on the TV and see reality TV. Let’s all forget our problems and watch the Bachelorette or The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Let’s point a finger at them to see how crazy they are because it’ll make us feel better. Or, how about we go to the store and while buying groceries we see all the magazines with photoshopped celebrities on the cover. We are trained at a young age to try to always look amazing, never admit we’re depressed and go to work and like it. And if we don’t, then there’s a pill for that.

I wonder what future historians will think of our 21st century lives. They’ll look back and find millions of selfies and everyone talking about YOLO or FOMO. Maybe we should leave future historians an urban dictionary to help them.

What Do You See?

So what does this all mean? I’ve made a choice and it’s not been an easy one. I opted to work hard in both my career(s) and being a parent. It’s not been easy and I often fail pretty much every other day. I fail not because I lack the belief that I’m capable, but raising children is complex. Extremely complex. But how do I see life? I'll tell you in a minute. How do you see the glass below?

• Half full
• Half empty

Do you have your answer? Good. For the longest time, I would say that the glass is half full. But an extremely bright kid of one of my friends came up to me once when I was wearing my "Half Full" Life Is Good t-shirt and said, "It's a full glass. It's half filled with water and half with air." For more than 25 years, I had prided myself that I saw life as half full and how I was an optimist but with those two short sentences my world opened up in different ways. The glass is full and if I used my imagination I could think of other options as well. There are more choices than two. Two is what I was raised with but I learned I was wrong.

Now when I look at my life, I realize that there are shades of gray in almost everything that I do. I am a novelist, worker, son, brother, father, husband, friend, lover, runner and many more roles rolled into one. There are more options open to me than just how I was raised and what my expectations are of a happy marriage/family and job. When I stop and think about who I am and what I want in life, it's okay for me to stop and admit that it's hard. But here is what I have decided. I am not going to compare myself to what I see on TV. Nor am I going to scroll Facebook and be bummed out about the great lives everyone else is having but me. (Come on, admit it, we all share the best pics of how great our lives are. I don't remember the last time I saw a picture of a couple arguing or a parent yelling at their kid. Instead we see beautiful vacation pictures of how everyone is smiling and having a great time.)

I have chosen to embrace life and focus on the journey. I have a lot to learn, have made many mistakes, but I've also done some amazing things. It's all a balance. And that's the beauty of it all, there are more choices than what we first see around us or on TV. We only need to be open and honest with ourselves. And that, can be the hardest part.

Ron Vitale is the author of the dark fantasy series Cinderella's Secret Diaries who hopes that his children will grow up to find their own voices and not allow others to dictate who and what they can be. Follow him on Twitter @ronvitale.

Photo by Odd.note.

I remember a time in which I would receive actual letters in the mail. Now I get junk mail and some bills. The only time I receive anything of interest through the US postal service is around Christmas or my birthday and when I receive a package from Amazon for something I purchased. Long gone are the days of well-thought out and purposeful letters in which you could build a friendship over words. Time has passed and I have adapted to the modern era as well using texts, 140 characters or less and 6 second Vines to communicate. But is that good?

The Old Ways

Before I graduated college in 1992, I stumbled upon an amazing set of books entitled The Griffin & Sabine trilogy. Nick Bantock came up with an immensely popular premise: Create a book that had amazing letters and artwork inside so that the reader could pretend to partake in an amazing correspondence between Griffin and an illustrator, Sabine, as they shared letters back and forth from London and the South Pacific. The beauty of the book was in its simplicity: I could turn to a page that had an envelope on it and could pull out an actual letter with drawings and handwriting on it. The beauty of the series allowed me to enter into the secret world of these two imaginary characters. 

Shortly after my graduate from college, the internet exploded and we went from long letters to long emails and wee into the morning chatroom discussions. I have always been a lover of communication in any form. My longest time for speaking on the phone is 8 hours straight and I've written monster letters and emails. Writing is my thing. 

Yet in today's hyper-paced world, I wonder what we have lost. I've talked at length with many coworkers over the last few years and am surprised and amazed at hearing how dating takes places through texting. Instead of calling each other on the phone, a quick series of texts is supposed to clarify what you'd like to do for a sort of date (it seems that neither the woman or the man really know if they are dating or if they're not because that's not a cool thing to say). And worse (in my opinion), is the breakup text. I believe we have lost our priorities in how to communicate with people and, worse, we've lost intimacy.

A quick tweet or Facebook like is not the same as taking the time to show a friend you care. But in our always on world, there are too many competing sources of information and without a way to sort through these and prioritize them, people are simply choosing to block them out. We have too much communication taking place and much of it is not useful or worthy of our time. 

Being Lost

Over time, it will be interesting to see if studies showing Facebook use does cause low self-esteem can be backed up or if there are no correlations. Whatever the effects of social media are on people, my hope that the new ways of communicating would bring us closer together have not come to be.

What I am surprised to see is a lack of true intimacy and communication being fostered through social tools. A like on Facebook really does not mean we care. A like does nothing. Someone choose to plus one your Google+ post is not the same thing as actively helping someone. And somewhere along the way there's been a schism in how people interact and help each other. Many of us will change our avatars or like a post in support of some cause or another (I've been guilty of this as well), but have we actually done anything to help?  

Instead there are causes du jour and after a set amount of time, we distance ourselves from those causes and move on to the next. Support marriage equality one day and be Boston Strong the next. But what about taking the time to listen and build a relationship with a person on the other end of the digital connection? Or making a donation to a cause to help fund it? I am not saying that we should all become bleeding hearts and try to hold hands and save the world. No, that was only something I thought possible when I was young and fresh out of college. 

What I am proposing is more intimate than that. Choose to connect. Set boundaries on the friends in our intimate circle and then dedicate time to them. Sound easy, right? I bet we'd be surprise with how many people are lonely and looking for companionship. A simple Tinder experiment was something that I stumbled on that shows just how many people are searching for "love," or "sex" or "intimacy." All depends on the person.

Find a Balance

In a world in which I could be tweeting with women around the world via my smartphone while I'm in bed with my wife, where does one set the boundaries? Now that I've two children, it's more difficult for my wife and me to go out on a date. Yet when we do, we often look around and can't imagine why couples don't tend to talk. Each is looking down at their own phone rather than each other. I guess it's no surprise that a 2012 study showed that the internet is better than sex for many under the age of 35. Am I only one to think that's a bit sad?

Technology is fantastic and with Google Glasses coming out in the near future it's only a matter of time until we are connected to the internet via technology implanted within us. Many sci-fi books have been foretelling this for decades now and I expect it will come to pass in my lifetime. Yet is that good for us? Or maybe a better question is: How can we adapt to using the technology in a way that will not dehumanize us?  

Many sleep with mobiles next to their bed. Have sex, roll over and check Facebook or tweet. What are the rules in today's modern world? There are none. But maybe we should set boundaries with our friends, family and partners. Just because I can post a photo doesn't mean I always should. In the end, it's about finding balance and the Golden Mean.  

Finding that balance will be different for each of us, but I'm a child of the old ways who has adapted to the new. I wonder if those born in the internet age will have an opportunity to enjoy life without a phone always at one's side. Or of a kiss in the rain without a selfie. Or holding someone's hand for the first time and feeling the thrill of that and wanting to tell someone and not being able to. That moment in which the beauty of life is trapped within your own head and the rightness of the world and how that moment is yours and yours alone. This is the stuff that dreams are made and of intimacies that blossom into a lifelong marriage.  In the end, it's our choice and our responsibility. My point: To question, wonder and dream. Do we overshare too much and what are our real connections with people in our lives? What do you think? Please leave a comment below.

Photo by Grumbler.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm a romantic. I decided a long, long time ago to embrace life and to live it to the fullest. But on seeing Richard Linklater's most recent film, Before Midnight, I have come face to face with the delusional yearnings of my youth and the hard, cold reality of the present. Bills, arguments, lack of sleep, screaming kids, work upon work, and a whole list of stresses, make me ask: Am I still a romantic and would I recommend others to be the same?

Once Upon a Time

Back in 1992 I graduated with both an English Literature and French degree and thought I'd be a novelist, making my living doing what I love. With a not so great economy, I went on to graduate school and earned my Masters in English Literature. In 1995, while still in graduate school, I met my wife and we've been together for 18 years, 5 months, 4 days and give or take a few hours (we just celebrated our 13 wedding anniversary).

Both of us are extremely creative and over the years we've done some cool things together. We went to France in 1999 and I proposed to her during the last total solar eclipse of the millennium in Reims. Over the years I have worked hard to remain romantic, to keep the spark of our love alive. One time that sticks out in my memory still makes me smile on seeing how her face had lit up. When she came home from a rough day of work, I had taped dozens of business cards to the ceiling with thread. Each card was taped to the back of another and they all had funny and cool sayings on them. As she walked through the room, Pat Benatar's "We Belong" blasted out from speakers. 

In our early years together, I would do cool and exciting things for her and she would surprise me with fun moments and gifts. (One of my favorite gifts she gave me is a bubble frame that has pictures of my son when he was under 2 years of age. Each bubble contains a tiny memory from the picture: A piece of pasta in the bubble pic of the first time he ate pasta with sauce all over his face or a seashell from our trip to the beach). I look back at all of these memories and am so amazed and happy with how great times were. 

Dark Days and the Storms of Life

And then, what happened? Months before our son was born my grandfather died, two months later my grandmother passed on and then another two months passed and my father-in-law was also gone. Three months later my son was born. Both of us knew little, if anything, of what parenting truly meant.

Over the next two years, my wife's grandmothers passed away and between work, stress and raising a kid, there didn't seem to be much time to be romantic any longer. In 2007 our daughter was born and over that time, my wife had lost her job, found another and we worked hard and harder to make ends meet. With lack of sleep from the kids being sick or up, I was irritable. Yelling and fighting took place more often than not and the joy in life just didn't seem to be there any longer. Granted, there would be pockets of fun, but my wife kept asking me: "Why does it have to be this hard?"

I didn't know the answer but started hearing stories of divorce within our own circle of friends or I'd hear my coworkers' similar stories. But I hung in there and then came my dreaded mid-level crisis. When I turned 39 years old, my brain seemed to go into overdrive: I kept wondering what had I done with my life? What ever happened to me writing books? What about going back to Europe? What about other hopes and dreams?

My wife's job made a turn for the worst and the stress in the household was at an all-time high. And here's the secret: Both my wife and I started thinking: "Would it be easier if we separated? What if we got out of all of this and moved on?" All of what we had and all of what we had wanted when we were in our 20s seemed so far away. 

The Journey Is the Destination

Both my wife and I have had thoughts of quitting the marriage and of giving up. We've been honest about it to each other. The stresses of life can be overwhelming. (And I've been told my older couples that the problems we have now in our life will only get more complicated: "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.)

In all the stress, my wife and I had started to tune each other out. It can become so easy to think negative thoughts and to roll your eyes up to the heavens and say: "Here we go. I've heard this all before." We fought, argued, and kept talking.

One day it hit me: I had made a choice a long, long time ago. I chose to love my wife. And each day I choose to do so through both the good and the bad times. I did not know what that meant 18 and a half years ago. I am human and make mistakes. I sometimes say stupid and hurtful things. I sometimes do dumb things. My wife has done and said hurtful things as well. But there's a key lesson that I want to share with you. When I was in Catholic high school, I met a priest who told me that love is "seeing good in someone and actively helping to see that good grow."

That is what I do when I choose to love my wife each day. I am a romantic, but life isn't all about romance. Life is about pain and joy. It's a mixture of both that is so sublime and amazingly wonderful. I believe each of us has a choice to make: To let go and allow the storms of life to wash over us, bending like a tree in the wind, or we break like the old tree that is uprooted from the hurricane. We fall over and give up and separate. I pray that I can always see and to remember the importance of accepting that life is hard. Marriage is hard. Raising children is ten thousand times harder than I ever could have imagined (yet amazingly rewarding at the same time). But in the end, wouldn't it be wonderful to know that we loved, for better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part with the person we once used to see the sunrise with when we were young? That's what I choose each day. And that's why I'm a romantic.

Ron Vitale is the author of the dark fantasy series Cinderella's Secret Diaries who believes in love and its power to transform the world.

Susan Lohrer

Today please welcome guest blogger Susan Lohrer. Susan is a contemporary romance author and in today's blog post she tackles the interesting (and sometimes controversial) subject of traditional versus self-publishing paths for fiction authors. Her latest novel is a romantic comedy entitled Over the Edge. Be sure to check it out and leave comments for Susan after the article below. Thanks!

With that all said, here is her article: 

For a novel to succeed in today’s market (whether traditionally published or self-published), four key elements have to be in place:

• voice
• cover
• editing
• marketing

First, what’s the definition of success for a novel? Let’s go with “earns money for the author.”

Your mind has probably gone straight to royalty payments, so let’s touch on that before we go further. In traditional publishing, an author typically earns a few percent of the publisher’s net profits from the book. Because net profit means publishing costs are subtracted before the author sees any payments, that can translate to a few pennies in the author’s pocket from the sale of each copy. In self-publishing, an author typically earns 60 or 70 percent of the sale price . . . which, since the author is responsible for all publishing costs (good cover artists and editors aren’t cheap), can amount to the same few pennies, at least until those initial costs are paid for; self-publishing, if you don’t recover that initial outlay, can actually end up costing the author money—something to keep in mind. I’m not saying that self-publishing a book is doomed to failure, because some people are earning a nice living through self-publishing; but there are certain elements common to a successful book, and usually those cost money. (Vanity publishing, in which an author pays many thousands of dollars to have a book published by a company that may be misrepresenting itself as a traditional publishing house, is another topic entirely, and we’re not covering that here.)

Now let’s compare how those four key elements of a successful book look depending on whether the book is published traditionally or by the author.

We’ll start with voice, not because it’s the first thing the reader sees, but because it’s the life blood of a book. The other elements can be changed at whim or contracted out, but voice is the only element completely dependent on the author regardless of publishing venue, and (to my way of thinking) it is the single most important aspect of any novel. Voice can grab the reader or it can turn the reader off. Voice is a culmination of word choices, the rhythm of each sentence, the unique way an idea is expressed; it’s the personality of the book. Whether it’s as generic as the voice of Nora Roberts or as unique as the voice of Stephen King, whether the book is published by one of the big traditional publishers or published by the author, a successful book has a voice that appeals to readers. That in itself sets a huge divide between traditionally published books and many self-published books, if only because a book with an unappealing voice usually won’t make it over the many hurdles on the way to being traditionally published.

Next is the cover. This isn’t a news flash, but people judge a book by its cover. A good cover draws a reader’s eye to one book in a sea of books vying for that reader’s attention. Here’s where we start to see the separation between self-publishing and traditional publishing. There are exceptions, of course, but typically a traditionally published book will have exactly the kind of cover that catches readers’ eyes. If the book is part of a particular subgenre, readers will know it at a glance (for example, Amish romance vs. teen paranormal romance); the cover will be attractive and well laid out, it’ll have appropriate typography, and it’ll look good at thumbnail size and in black-and-white. This is because traditional publishers use experienced cover artists. Big surprise, right?

Self-published books sometimes have fabulous covers. Usually these are covers that the authors have hired a professional cover artist to create. There are exceptions, of course; a few authors out there have mastered the skills needed to create a professional-quality book cover. And good for them. The problem for many self-publishing authors is that their perception of quality in their own cover design is a bit (or a mile) off the mark. And so readers never get the chance to see what’s inside because they see the cover and think, “Ugh, another one of those self-published disasters,” and they click instead on a professional-looking cover image. You can spot a bad book cover a mile away; it’s in the layout, the image choice, the typography, the level of skill with Photoshop. My advice for authors who want to design their own covers: ask several brutally honest people who read widely in your genre to critique your proposed cover before you publish the book—and listen to their suggestions.

And then there’s editing. Speaking as an editor (it’s been my day job for ten years), I promise you: every author needs an editor. There are no exceptions. Ever. When you read something you’ve written, your mind fills in what it expects to see, and so you don’t notice errors. Because of that, even editors need editors. If you’re self-publishing, you have to hire an editor. Oh, and your word processor’s spell checker can never take the place of an editor. Just try pasting this into Word and running your spell checker to see for yourself: “I halve sum stew dents knot inn to fining spelling and grandma miss takes cause there spell checkers did naught sea sum thing the madder with this send tense” (please forgive the deliberate lack of terminal punctuation in that sentence, by the way—spell checkers don’t notice missing periods, either).

Traditional publishers use several editors for each book: editors who help strengthen large- and small-scale story structure; editors who help tighten and polish each sentence; editors who know the difference between hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes. A big traditional publisher won’t blink twice at assigning five or six different editors to a book. How many errors have you ever found in a Dean Koontz novel? How many self-published novels have you read that had no errors? Think about that.

And so here we have editing as another divide between traditionally published books and many self-published books. Savvy self-publishing authors hire professional editors. Many self-publishing authors release books riddled with plot holes and peppered with spelling and grammar errors. You’ve probably seen one-star reviews complaining bitterly about typos and spelling and grammar errors; these are the books whose authors, for whatever reason, decided not to hire a professional editor. My advice for authors who are planning to self-publish: hire a professional editor who works in your genre and has impeccable recommendations (recommendations are important because anyone can say he/she is an editor regardless of skill or qualifications—and editing is a huge investment, so you want to be sure you get what you’re paying for).

Now for something that’s a little harder to quantify: marketing. Marketing used to be a tremendous bonus to being published by a traditional publisher. It still is, if your book is one of the lucky ones to receive those elusive extra marketing dollars that publishers spend to place the print edition of your book on a prominent end cap in every brick-and-mortar bookstore. The hard truth is that there are a handful of traditionally published authors who get that treatment.

For midlist authors and self-published authors alike, the bulk of the marketing falls directly in the author’s lap. Yes, traditional publishers will send out a few review copies and provide bookmarks for you to hand out, and they’ll push the book (along with their entire catalogue of books) to their list of booksellers and reviewers, so that’s a definite advantage over the author going it on his/her own. But a traditional publisher is all about its own bottom line (no surprise there, since it has to operate that way in order to stay in business), not about marketing your particular book. So when it comes right down to it, every author, whether traditionally published or self-published, is responsible for his/her own marketing. Nobody cares quite so much as you do about the success of your books—this makes you the perfect person to be in charge of marketing your book.

Marketing is much, much more than an advertising budget! Are you being positive and engaging with your readers when you’re online? Do you have a website dedicated to your books? Are you linking to your books/website in your e-mail signature? Do you write articles about writing or publishing? Every time you post on Facebook or Twitter, every time someone visits your website, every time you send an e-mail message, every time you write an article about anything related to publishing—every time any of those things happen, you’re marketing yourself and your books.

In a nutshell: The draw of traditional publishing in today’s world is mainly professional book covers and thorough editing, while the self-publishing author must pay for those things; and while traditional publishers do some marketing on the behalf of authors, it’s entirely possible (and advisable) to market your own books regardless of how they’re published. Your voice, however, is all yours, and if readers love your voice and you put the other elements in place, you’ll have fans for life.

Susan Lohrer is a contemporary romance author. Her latest release is a romantic comedy, Over the Edge. She believes life is always better with a healthy dose of humor.

Photo by B. 

Love Thyself

Sleeping beauty, Snow White and Cinderella are all characters who are saved by men and then find true happiness. That makes me sick. As a father of two children, I do not wish for my kids to grow up thinking that someone else can save you and that if you only find the right person you'll then find happiness.

The good news is that I not only have some personal experience to share with them as they get older, but I'm hoping that my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series will be examples for not only them but others as well. The secret to finding happiness is pretty straightforward: You need to love yourself.

The Road to Happiness

I've had readers ask me: "Why does Cinderella in your books make such bad decisions?" And for me, the answer is easy. I wanted to have a flawed heroine. Cinderella doesn't always do what is good for her and sometimes makes decisions that are downright wrong. She tries really hard, but she's not found her way yet and that's why I write my books. I want to show the journey that Cinderella is on and how she gets to a better place.

When I was young, I started dating and had no clue about how to act or what exactly I needed to do to be happy in a relationship. Unfortunately, my family background didn't help. I did what I thought right and opened my heart to the first girl who showed an interest in me and thought we'd get married (yes, I was pretty naive back then).

Instead of building up my own character, I'd tried to rescue the girl I was in love by listening to her problems with her Aunt and how her mother had died from breast cancer. I threw all my energy into trying to rescue her and, yes, you guessed it, our relationship fell apart about 9 months in. She lost interest in me and left me. I became angry and hurt and couldn't figure out why she had abandoned me. Ah, to look back and see how clueless I was. . . .

Taking Care of Yourself

The Prince always saves the Princess, right? What do you do when everything starts falling apart and you realize that life is not like a fairy tale?

After I figured out that in order to be truly present in a relationship, I needed to first be there for myself, everything all fell into place. How could I love another if I hadn't spent the time to learn who I was, to nurture myself and to take care of my own needs? There was a moment in life in which I realized that I started repeating the same patterns in my love relationships. They would start well enough and then fall apart.

I needed to change. Not only did I need to take care of myself but I also needed to choose to be with a person who was able to be present in a relationship. Two damaged people do not make one whole person. To be present in a relationship, I continually need to be aware of what makes me tick and happy. Figuring that out took years of counseling, ACOA, making friends, failing in love relationships and lots of self-help book reading.

Now I've learned what helps me to grow and to be healthy:

• When I'm hungry and thirsty, I need to eat and drink.
• When tired, sleep.
• Writing, reading and listening to loud music (The Beatles preferably), helps me deal with stress.
• Running aids me in solving problems (or in writing books).
• Talk and share my feelings with my closest friends to help me with problems.

Finding True Love

None of this is rocket science. But to be fully present as a partner, and to be in a love relationship, takes a lot of work. Many don't want to hear this. It's a lot easier to believe the fairy tale: Boy meets girl and they fall in love and live happily ever after. Yet let's be honest: 40-50% of marriages fail. Love, marriage and all that encompasses is one of the most complicated and rewarding journeys I've ever experienced in my life.

I've decided to write my books to talk about love and the secret to finding love, but in a different way. Cinderella doesn't need to be rescued by the Prince. That's not what I'm trying to get at. Instead, I hope my readers get to see the full picture and go on a wild ride with Cinderella as she's learning her way. What do you think? Please leave a comment by rolling your mouse over the cartoon bubble icon below and clicking on "post a comment."

Ron Vitale is the author of the dark fantasy series Cinderella's Secret Diaries who hopes that his children will grow up to find their own voices and not allow others to dictate who and what they can be.

Flickr: TheKellyScope

I know that there are many fellow indie writers out there who are in a similar situation that I once was back in 2010 so I wanted to share my publishing journey along with sales figures (August 2011 - May 2013). Yes, you have heard of Amanda Hocking's story and of John Locke's, but what about the other thousands of indie writers out there who decided to write books and put them up on Amazon? After several years of work, I have data to share with you.

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

I will be up front and as transparent as I possibly can. The self-publishing industry is volatile, difficult to predict and more time consuming than I ever anticipated. But, fear not, it's not without hope. What is truly important is to have realistic expectations. If you're looking to make it rich fast, then, yes, abandon hope. If you understand that you'll be putting in years of work and that you'll need to build your platform and brand over several years writing at least three books, then you're in the realm of reality.

Some quick back story before I get into the details: I started writing Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost back in January 2010. I published the book on Amazon on August 11, 2011. On December 29, 2011, I began writing Stolen: Cinderella's Secret Diaries and published the book (a sequel to Lost ) on November 7, 2012. And finally, on January 2, 2013, I began writing book 3 in the series, Found: Cinderella's Secret Diaries , and have recently finished the first draft of the book. Depending on my full-time job responsibilities, training for a fall marathon and my family not kicking me out of the house if I don't make time for them, I expect that the third book will be finished late this year to early next.

What Worked and What Didn't

Keep in mind that right after I published Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost Amazon's KDP Select launched and I eventually made a decision to put my books solely on Amazon. I had originally posted Cinderella's Secret Diaries: Lost  on Barnes & Noble's PubIt! platform and hardly sold any copies. I sold 0 copies on Smashwords and never made the leap to Apple's store or to Kobo. The data I share here will be solely from Amazon because, for me, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords did not produce any serious sales for me (again, Smashwords was literally none and I only used that platform to give away free books).

Book Reviewers 

I scoured the web and looked through more than 150 book reviewer sites, reading their guidelines and submitting requests, asking them to read Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost . With more than 100 requests out, I received 13 replies from book reviewers who agreed to review my book. I shipped a few physical copies (around 5) to various places in the United States, one in Europe and one in Asia. After all that work, I did receive some extremely positive reviews (many book reviewers would publish on their site and also on Goodreads and on Amazon), but did not receive any jump in sales. As of my writing of this post, I have 40 reviews on Amazon for Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost  (average of 4.2 out of 5 stars).

Goodreads 

I networked with hundreds of people on Goodreads, wrote reviews for other books, engaged with as many people as I could and tried out several promotions sending out free offers for my book to those who followed me. I never saw any increase in sales during any of these promotions. Engagement on Goodreads has been extremely low and although I'm hoping that now that Amazon will be owning the service, I'd like to see reviews on Amazon be tied into Goodreads, but that might not be happening. We shall see. Last I read, it looks as though Amazon will want to keep the service separate from them.

Social Media (Twitter, Facebook and Google+) 

Though I did not have enough tracking in place from Google+ or Facebook posts through to Amazon, any time I posted a link to my books I did not see any increase in sales. I use Hootsuite for my tweets and the click thru rate was extremely low for tweets announcing that my book was on sale, free, etc. I do not have any solid evidence to show that my books sold after any of my social media efforts. However, I found that Twitter has been a fantastic place to meet readers and to network with fellow authors.

Local Newspaper Interview

In working with a local newspaper, I was able to land an interview along with a picture of my book. However, even with a blurb on the front page of the newspaper, I saw 0 sales during the week after the newspaper article ran. Granted that the article ran four months after Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost launched, but no print or digital copies were sold during this time.

Friends, Family, Book Clubs

As would be expected, friends/family and two local book clubs came through and purchased my books. I participated in one book club event and answered questions and had a fantastic time meeting and spending time with readers. Face time with people did pay off and helped me to sell my book through word of mouth. Copies of the print and digital versions of Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost  did move from friends and family recommending the book to their friends on Facebook and from the book club experiences I had.

Indie Book Collective Blog Tour

Back in December 2011, I experimented with purchasing a spot in one of the Indie Book Collective's blog tours. The idea was simple: You lower the price of your book on Amazon to $.99 and then the entire group drives traffic to one website to promote a select number of books. Unfortunately, Amazon's KDP select launched around this time and my results were extremely poor. I spent $75 in promotions for two blog tours* and did not make my money back in book sales. Another mistake that in retrospect makes perfect sense now: I had only written book 1 of the Cinderella's Secret Diaries  series. At the end of the book, I promoted another book of mine, Dorothea's Song , but that was a different genre and wasn't a natural choice for a book that a young adult reader might choose to buy.

KDP Select

I saved the best for last. Here are some numbers for Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost .  

April 2012
Duration: Full 5 days being free on KDP Select
Books given away: 4,630
Sold: 46 (Price $2.99)
Kindle Owner's Lending Library (KOLL): 14

December 2012
Duration: Full 5 days being free on KDP Select
Books given away: 2,597
Lost (book 1): 13 (Price $1.99) and 11 (KOLL)
Stolen (book 2): 29 (Price $2.99) and 1 (KOLL)

May 2013
Duration: 3 days being free on KDP Select
Books given away: 2,824
Lost (book 1): 53 (Price $.99)
Stolen (book 2): 10 (Price $2.99)

Note: In all the numbers listed above, I am only counting data from the United States of America and have not factored in the free books or sales that I had in other countries. It's a few copies here and there, but international sales are extremely limited at this time though I did include that data in the totals I'll share below.

So to sum this section up: All the other promotions that I tried did not translate into sales. The best success I saw was friends, family, book clubs and KDP select. When I gave my book away on Amazon, its ranking jumped up tremendously and was more readily found in customer's search results. At the end of the day, I saw an increase in sales.

Social media is a great way to build my platform and to meet readers, trying to sell my books directly through those mediums did not work. 

The Full Monty: My Sales

Below is a full listing of my digital sales in the Amazon Kindle store from August 2011 until May 29, 2013 for book 1 and book 2 of the Cinderella's Secret Diaries  series:

Lost:

Kindle Price: $2.99
2011

August: 12 + 3 (U.K.) = 15
September: 10 
October: 10
November: 3 + 3 (U.K.) = 6
December: 45 (at $.99) + 9 ($2.99) + 5 (U.K.) + 1 (FR)= 56

2011 Yearly Paid Total: 97

2012
January:
7 (Price $.99)
21 (Price $2.99)*
6 (KOLL**)
1 (U.K.) ($2.57 US)

*KDP Select of Dorothea's Song ran during this time.

February:
16 (Price $2.99)
6 (KOLL**)

March:
8 (Price $2.99)
2 (KOLL**)
1 (U.K.) ($1.95 US)

April:
46 (Price $2.99)
4 (U.K.) ($1.95 US)
14 (KOLL**)
4,630 (FREE - KDP Select)
165 (FREE - KDP Select U.K.)
115 (FREE - KDP Select DE)
5 (FREE - KDP Select FR)
1 (FREE - KDP Select IT)
1 (FREE - KDP Select ES)

May:
25 (Price $2.99)*
3 (KOLL)
1 (U.K.) ($1.95 US)
*KDP Select of Dorothea's Song ran during this time.

June:
9 (Price $2.99)
3 (KOLL**)
3 (U.K.) ($1.95 US)

July:
14 (Price $2.99)
9 (KOLL**)
2 (U.K.) ($1.95 US)

August:
4 (Price $2.99)
2 (KOLL**)
1 (U.K.) ($2.55 US)

September:
8 (Price $3.99)
1 (KOLL**)

October:
8 (Price $3.99)
2 (KOLL**)

November:
6 (Price $1.99)
1 (Price $3.99)
1 (DE) ($1.55 US)

December:
13 (Price $1.99)
11 (KOLL**)
2 (U.K.) ($1.24 US)
2,597 (FREE - KDP Select)
69 (FREE - KDP Select U.K.)
21 (FREE - KDP Select DE)
4 (FREE - KDP Select FR)
2 (FREE - KDP Select Japan)
9 (FREE - KDP Select CA)
1 (FREE - KDP Select IT)
2 (FREE - KDP Select ES)

2012 Yearly Paid Total: 261
2012 Yearly FREE via KDP Select: 7,622

2013 

January:
53 (Price $.99)
17 (KOLL**)
1 (U.K.) ($.75 GBP)
1 (JP) (99.00 JPY)

February:
11 (Price $.99)
1 (KOLL**)
1 (U.K.) ($.75 GBP)

March:
6 (Price $.99)
1 (KOLL**)
1 (U.K.) ($.75 GBP)
1 (DE) ($.75 EUR)

April:
10 (Price $.99)
1 (U.K.) ($.75 GBP)

May 1-29:
2,824 (FREE - KDP Select)
53 (Price $.99)

2013 Yearly Paid Total: 158
2013 Yearly FREE via KDP Select: 2,824

Stolen (Book 2):

2012

November:
13 ($3.99)

December:
28 (Price $2.99)
1 (KOLL**)
1 (U.K.) ($1.85 GBP)

2012 Yearly Paid Total: 43

2013

January:
12 (Price $2.99)
8 (KOLL**)
2 (U.K.) ($1.85 GBP)

February:
3 (Price $2.99)

March:
1 (Price $2.99)
2 (KOLL**)
1 (KOLL**, U.K.)
1 (DE) (2.60 EUR)

April:
2 (Price $2.99)
2 (U.K.) ($1.85 GBP)

May 1 - 29
10 (Price $2.99)

2013 Yearly Paid Total: 44

**KOLL stands for Kindle Owner's Lending Library

What It All Means

The data do not lie: Since August 2011, I have sold or had Kindle owners borrow 516 copies of Cinderella's Secret Diary: Lost  and I have given away through Amazon's KDP Select: 10,446 digital copies of that book. For Stolen: Cinderella's Secret Diaries (book 2 in the series), I've sold or had Kindle owners borrow 87 copies. As I mentioned earlier on in this article, I am currently working on book 3 of the series. If you add up all the numbers, you can see that I did not make a lot of money selling books. (A quick side note: I have not sold many print copies. It's a few but nowhere near what I've sold on the Kindle.)

I have not listed the cost of my covers, proofreading fees, the cost of registering with the Library of Congress the copyright for the two books or domain name and web hosting fees. When I factor those fees in, I've spent around $1,200. These are sobering numbers. Take into consideration that I work full-time, am raising a family and that my only free time to write is from 5 a.m. - 6:30 a.m. and you have a good sense of the time constraints involved.

If I were looking to make a quick buck, I could have taken a side job at McDonald's and made a lot more money. But that is not what I chose to do and here is what I learned: 

• Joe Konrath is right. Write more books, build your platform. Amazon works because many, many readers are there and countries are being added all the time. However, it would be wise for me to put my books out on other platforms and also consider selling the digital copies myself. Andrew Hyde has a great article on Amazon's digital delivery fees.
• There isn't much point in marketing your first book. You'll get some reviews but there is nothing else for people to buy. You will have spent a lot of time and energy but you don't have another book for sale.  Instead, write the next one.
• Write many books (can you sense the pattern here?). I keep reading from other authors that three or four books is the magic number that starts setting off the algorithm in Amazon's search engine. Writing series is where (at least right now in 2013) it's at. The more GOOD books you write, the better. 
• Social media is great for networking with readers and other writers but limit your time there. Write more books (see above).  Social media builds trust and, if used right, shows that you're human and are a real person. Promotions on there, selling your book did not work for me.
• Amazon's KDP Select did cause me to get a bump in sales each time I used it. Would I have sold more if my books were on Kobo, iBookstore, Smashwords and Barnes & Noble? I don't know. I don't have the data to prove which works better. 

All in all, I am a writer in for the long haul. I have been writing stories since I was 9 years old and decided a long time ago that I wanted to share my stories with the world. I've been working hard at writing and publishing since January 2010 and thought it was time for me to share my experience with other writers. I see myself in the early stages of my writing career and plan to keep on writing books until I can't anymore.

Although my sales numbers aren't great, I have been touched by the great responses I've received from readers. Yes, I've received some negative reviews, but reading the glowing reviews from new readers helps me know that I'm on to something with my Cinderella's Secret Diaries  series. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, stumbled a lot, gave up hope at times, but I have picked myself up and continue to strive to be a better writer and marketer. It's not easy, but I keep trying, working hard and writing. I wish I would have spent more time writing than wasting a lot of time on promotion, but I can't turn back the clock. 

But the future is bright and day by day I learn more and am getting better at the business of writing. If there's anything I've learned, it's that writing is a business: I not only need to know how to write a great book but also need to know how to best market it. 

If you have questions, feel free to comment on this post or connect with me on Twitter @ronvitale.

And if after reading this monster of a post, you'd like to help me, please do me a solid and purchase one of my books. Thank you.  

Updates:

June 8, 2013: "I spent $75 in promotions for two blog tours." I found the correct price. I had originally thought I had spent $125. That was incorrect. $75 for the two blog tours is what I spent. Read my Indie Book Collective blog tour post.

My kids' artwork and interpretation of characters in my book on my bedroom wall. 

When I started writing the second book in my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series, an idea popped into my mind and I ran with it: How could I share with my two children the creative process I journeyed on in writing a book? What if I asked them to draw pictures for me? The process was extremely simple and went like this: I had some old business cards lying around that I wrote the names of characters and locations on. Over the course of a week, I would hand one business card to my son or daughter each night and then would ask them to draw the person or place onto the page as they saw it.

Cinderella in her winter outfit for the forthcoming Found: Cinderella's Secret Diaries (book 3 in the series).

To help with the creative process, I would sometimes give some instruction by explaining who the character was, his/her personality and what they wore. I would then leave them to their work and return a few minutes later after they had finished their artwork. 

What amazed me is their creativity and excitement in using their imagination to "see" the characters I had created in my series. Considering they had never read the books (my children are young and the Cinderella's Secret Diaries series is geared toward teenagers and above), I was impressed at their craftsmanship and willingness to work with me. 

Patience, Patience, Patience

Having now worked on this type of project two times with my now 5 and 9 year old children, I do have some tips to share. My suggestions are extremely common sense, but they'll save you time if you decide to follow a similar idea with your children:

• Siblings are rivals. Separate your kids and set them up in different rooms. They are unique artists with different strengths and skills. Encourage them and do not compare their work. 
• Give direction, have them ask questions and, when needed, provide a physical picture via the web when needed. (My son needed help in picturing what Napoleon's Grand Army looked like.) 
• Do not push. There is not deadline. This is for fun and to spend time with your children. When they become bored, put the work away. Don't throw it away, save it and see if they'll return to the projects days later. 

The Family That Imagines Together Stays Together

In today's fast paced world, my kids want to be on the iPad or a computer playing games, watching movies or consuming some sort of media. With a simple exercise like drawing, my kids and I went through the entire creative process and they created fantastic artwork. They helped me and I helped them. Together we worked on building a physical representation of the world I had created in my series and it was magical.

On many levels, a simple exercise of drawing and communicating with each other helped us come closer as a family. When I'm up at 5:30 a.m. writing, my kids now know what I am doing. They might not know the plot and the specific details but they know that their dad writes about a re-imagined Cinderella who deals with faeries and fights against Napoleon.

Over time, the wall of my bedroom became flushed out with more and more artwork filled my wall so that I now have a clear map of what characters are in which places in the world. I cannot tell you how helpful this was for me as I wrote my last two books. And knowing that my children loved participating in the creative process made our times together special. It's not every day that you get to sit down with your kids and draw and create a world on the wall of your house. I loved our time together and can't wait until we can work together again. It's a small thing, but I wanted to treat my kids with respect and to nurture their art. For me, having them share in my own creative process worked like a charm as it was a great success for the entire family. If you choose to do something similar with your kids, drop me a comment below and let me know how it went for you. Thanks!

Ron Vitale is the author of the dark fantasy series Cinderella's Secret Diaries who hopes that his children will grow up to find their own voices and not allow others to dictate who and what they can be.

SFWA Membership Directories

I Dreamed a Dream

Back in the '80s when I was growing up, I devoured books. I read Tolkien, Asimov, McCaffrey, and Clark (to name a few) and dreamed that one day I would be a writer. I remember writing stories in my grade school copybook and then in my teens I invested in a typewriter. I wrote fantasy stories and Dungeons & Dragons adventures using my Smith Corona typewriter. I even remember using the changeable type keys so that I could use accents and foreign characters. For one of my adventures that I wrote, I even tried, at 15, to have it published in Dragon magazine.

Smith Corona Changeable Type 3 Series

Growing Up and Facing Reality

After college, I went on to graduate school and kept writing. I studied the qualifying market list and tried and tried to obtain a publishing credit so that I could become a member of SFWA. Many years later I did become an Affiliate member. I received my first members directory and poured through the pages with glee. In my hands, I now had the personal email addresses to some of the most famous writers in the world.

I received the quarterly Bulletin magazine and read all the articles in it and over time even wrote several articles that were published in its pages. But something was missing. I quickly realized that the SFWA membership that I had thought would change my life really made no difference to me. I read about writers dealing with their agents and contracts, but I still had neither. I saw pictures of Worldcon and knew that I didn't have the money to go and would feel out of place even if I could get there.

After more than a decade of trying to become a member, I had to come to terms with what the membership really meant to me: I had access to a subpar website, a directory of members and the Bulletin. My mistaken hope that I could use membership as a means to network with other writers was dashed. I wrote in a vacuum, worked, married and had a family and I became established in my daytime career. I wrote in my spare time and dreamed of becoming a "real" writer and publishing novels.

Social Media and Indie Publishing Saved the Day

With the explosion of indie publishing and social media, I used Twitter to network with fellow writers. Suddenly I had a tool that I could use to more organically interact with people from all careers. Instead of digging through a directory of SFWA members and emailing strangers, asking for advice and help, I could easily listen to the conversation online and more naturally jump into a discussion.

I created a podcast for five years and learned how to edit the audio files from someone I had never met online. And that put me on the path to indie publishing: I learned how to create an ebook by reading Guido Henkel's blog posts, and when I couldn't figure out how to add an image to my book, I wrote to him and he answered. I had spent many years on membership dues for SFWA, and outside of the Bulletin I received, I had little interactions with fellow writers and the business of writing. But when I contacted Guido, he helped. And, over time, other writers on Twitter helped me and I began returning the favor by assisting others.

The simple connections I was making on Twitter made an impression on me because I realized that I could reach out to any person on Twitter and connect. I could offer help, ask a question or just say, "Hang in there, keep on writing!" The interaction and networking that I had always wanted had become a reality and the shocker: It was free.

The New World of Publishing

I continued writing and from 2010-2013 I published two books in my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series, written articles, blog posts and networked with writers from all over the world. In 2012 an interesting opportunity turned up. I learned of a young adult fiction group coming together through SFWA so I applied to join and was told that I couldn't become a member because my books were self-published on Amazon and Amazon wasn't a qualifying market.

I wrote to the organizer, Malindo Lo, contacted then SFWA president, John Scalzi, and nothing: SFWA would not change their rules. I explained that not only was I an author who had published several books, but in my day job I was an Associate Director of Website Communications and had many years of experience implementing social media and website strategies. I had a lot of experience I wanted to share with the group. Unfortunately, I was told that I couldn't become a member of the YA group. It was at this point that I started asking myself: Why am I spending $70 a year on membership dues? What is SFWA really doing for me? I knew the answer, but I hid from the truth.

And here we are in 2013 and there's the Mike Resnick and Barry N. Malzberg fiasco that has blown up all over the web. For those of you unfamiliar with the controversy, fellow members thought the cover of issue 200 of the Bulletin was sexist and dated and I couldn't agree with them more. To make matters worse, Resnick and Malzberg made some rather sexist comments about Bea Mahaffey in the Bulletin, writing: "Anyone who's seen photos of Bea from the 50s knows she was a knockout as a young woman."

What this had to do with Bea Mahaffey's editing ability is beyond me. I took all of this in and finally decided that enough was enough. The truth had risen to the surface: I had held onto my membership because of nostalgia. My SFWA membership represented my hope that one day I would be a successful writer and that I would rub elbows with other great writers. My self-indulgent dream has not come true and worse: I do not wish to be associated with an unhelpful and increasingly troubled organization.

The Future Is Bright so You Better Wear Shades

I am on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, have a blog, and even published a few Vines. You can connect with me and I can connect with you. We can help each other. All we need to do is simply contact each other. From meeting people on Twitter, I've learned more about the business of writing in the last year than I have in all the years I've been a member of SFWA and you don't have to pay a membership fee.

SFWA is an insular group that is supporting its own elites and has not adapted to the changing publishing landscape. There is no value in my spending $70 for my yearly membership--especially since the Bulletin is now on hiatus. Instead I will continue to network with writers and readers on Twitter and on other social media platforms.

Although I would not recommend fellow writers to spend their money on a SFWA membership, I have learned a valuable lesson. I have looked to SFWA to validate my writing instead of forging my own path. SFWA never had the power to make me a successful writer. That power resides only within each of us. And now the hard work of being a writer and on succeeding resides where it always belonged--with me.

Ron Vitale is the author of the dark fantasy series Cinderella's Secret Diaries who hopes that other writers will listen to their own voices and not allow others to dictate who and what they can be.

Writers are a special kind of breed. They observe the world and its inhabitants, they notice things normal people don’t and they explore worlds that normal people wouldn’t even think of. They don’t miss anything, in fact, they see more than there is to see. Normal people will never understand them and the writer does not mind. The writer pities the normal person for not seeing the array of colours they get to see, which are far more than the colours of the rainbow.

If someone asks me why I became a writer, there is only one simple answer: Why haven’t you? Writing is not a choice, it’s a lifestyle. If there is any choosing involved then it is writing that chooses you. It chooses you and then grabs you, climbs into your mind and soul until you eat, breathe and sleep writing. It’s like love, sometimes reciprocated and sometimes not, driving you mad occasionally. But you wouldn’t want it any other way because the feeling is amazing nonetheless.

True writers are born that way. They aren’t people who decide to write on a whim or because they think it’s cool, it’s something they HAVE to do. They can’t go long without creating stories, analysing people and picking up a pen.

They are usually perfectionists and philosophers, thinking about big questions. Not just regarding life, but also their writing. They take care with their writing and with their image as a writer. And that is how it should be; the reader deserves the best from the writer.

Personally I am at that pensive stage right now. As a bit of a perfectionist I like to do my best with anything I care about. So I’m thinking about what kind of writer I want to be. What brand is my name? I want people to read my book and think: that is typically her. You only get one shot to make a good first impression. But the benefit is that if nobody notices you, you can still work hard to redeem yourself with the next book.
The only way you can find yourself as a writer, is by writing. Reading is also a big part of that, of course, and so is communicating with other writers. You can learn things from them, teach them, vent, rant, laugh, smile and perhaps even cry (not necessarily in a bad way). For instance, one of the things I’ve learned is that a story comes to me better when I don’t plot that much. One time I completely managed to plot things out in certain scenes/events, but halfway through the story got turned around. And now that I’m working on another mystery, I felt like I should plot this one out like a crazy banana, but it really isn’t working. I swear, I’ve tried. *shakes laptop* I’ve tried so hard! But for some reason, it works better for me when I know some things, but not too much. It’s like I’m just the person that types, while the story itself finds a way in my mind and dictates what I’m supposed to type next. It’s that easy and that hard.

From what I learned, also with my MA, is that plotting is a good thing, necessary even. And that is why I felt like I failed when I couldn’t plot my entire novel, but now I’m beginning to see that it’s not such a bad thing. It’s just not my style. Everybody has their own way, we can always learn, we can always try new ways, but sometimes we just have to trust that our way is the right way. At least, for ourselves.

Only time will tell, but as long as you have talent, guts and perseverance…how can it go wrong? This world can be a nasty place so let’s create our own safe and magical place through our stories.

Name: Morgan Silver
Location: Behind you! No, kidding, just a small country called The Netherlands.
Education: BA English Language and Culture and MA Creative Writing (did MA in England).
Writing: Finished my first novel, The Chess Club, about a chess club that solves crimes, for which I’m currently seeking an agent and am now working on a cozy mystery.