Musician, apologist, and spiritual director <a href=”http://www.centerforchristianapologetics.com/about-jeff.html” target=”_blank”>Jeff Jackson</a> joined us last Monday, September 21st, and shared his timely teaching on identity called “Human Being vs Human Doing”. If you were not able to join us, here is the audio from that event along with Jeff’s Powerpoint slides that contains all of the rich quotes from his talk.

Click the play button below to listen to Jeff’s entire presentation.

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Click the link below to download a PowerPoint of this presentation:
Who Am I?

Melody and I have been fielding a lot of calls and emails since the news broke last week that Ashley Madison, the #1 cheating site boasting over 39 million now not-so-anonymous members, was hacked and subscriber information released to the public.

In each of our conversations with those experiencing firsthand the emotional shrapnel that ensues when the “secret” first comes out, a common question almost always surfaces…”How do I fix this?”

And our answer is always the same, “by going toward the pain.”

Whether your name was on the Ashley Madison list and you cheated or were looking to cheat, the reality is that your secret is now out. Hoping to find an easy, quick-fix to get things back to “normal” is not an option. Pain-free is not an option either. You are not only at an obvious crossroads in your marriage, but you are at a critical crossroads as an individual as well. There will be pain no matter which road you take, but the pain on one road leads to healing and the pain on the other only leads to more pain.

I know this because I have been down both roads.

There are 4 crucial steps that need to happen to get you walking down the right road. But first, a little of my story.

My Story
When I married my wife Melody, I had been secretly struggling with pornography for 12 years. Like many guys who are single and struggling, I reasoned that getting married would fix the problem. It didn’t. The secrets that I kept from Melody made genuine intimacy impossible because intimacy is about being known fully and loved unconditionally. I never gave Melody the chance to fully know me because I was unwilling to bring my secrets into the light out of fear that she would leave or reject me.

When it became apparent that marriage was not going to fix my problem, my secret life grew and I began spending more and more time visiting porn sites and in adult chat rooms. Four years into my marriage, my secret life with pornography and adult chat rooms was exposed when my boss got on my computer to do a routine update while I was out of the office. For the first time in my life, someone else knew my secret.

Upon my return to work, he called me into his office and let me know that he was going to have to let me go because I had violated the company’s Internet usage policy. But what he said next helped propel me further down the road that led to more pain. “I’m not going to tell Melody,” he said, as if he was doing me a favor.

So I packed up my stuff and headed home and fabricated a story for Melody as to why I had lost my job. My secret was safe! I had avoided the devastation of Melody finding out.

Two years later I had my first affair.

By the time Melody did discover all of my secrets two years after that, I had had a total of seven one-night stands. Covering up secrets only delays the inevitable. Am I saying that if my boss had outed me to Melody I would have never had an affair and possibly avoided the pain and devastation of divorce? No, I have no way of knowing that. What I am saying is that he was not doing me a favor by helping me to keep the secret.

The problem’s not Ashley Madison. It’s what we believe about God and His view of us that leads to our secrets.

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The problem’s not Ashley Madison, but what we believe about God that leads to our secrets.
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Beautiful Undoing
Although I absolutely hated it at the time, I can honestly say today that God was loving me well when He exposed my secret sins. Although it hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before, out of His intense and furious love for me, He completely obliterated the world I had carefully constructed and began to teach me grace as I sat in the rubble that was left of my precious reputation. The road to healing forced me to endure the painful, gut-wrenching process of knowing myself.

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The road to healing forced me to endure the painful, gut-wrenching process of knowing myself.
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We live in a broken, fallen world and none of us has escaped the pain and the heartache that results. During the years I lived with my secrets, I pretended to have it all together. But when I truly started to believe the Gospel−that God loved me intimately just as I am−I realized I no longer had to pretend I wasn’t wounded or broken! Rather than spend so much energy denying my own woundedness, I could invite God into those broken places and allow Him to begin the healing He desired to do in my heart.

My friend Paul Coughlin says, “If you take ownership of your life…then what you may call a catastrophe is likely the beginning of a better life for you and for those who love you.”

So let’s look at those 4 crucial steps that can help you begin that better life for you right now.

1. Talk to your pastor or spiritual advisor.
   As soon as possible, get with your pastor or spiritual advisor and get the secrets out in the open. James 5:16 instructs us to “confess our sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.” Your pastor can help you determine the best course of action to do a full-disclosure with your spouse.
2. Listen to these podcasts.
   On our weekly podcast, Undone Redone, my wife Melody and I share openly and honestly from our story of brokenness and restoration. You can find our show on iTunes or Stitcher Radio. Look for these episodes that will offer perspective to where you are right now.
   :: Interview with Michael Warden on the Healing Process
   :: Interview with Michael John Cusick on our Deep Desires
   :: Interview with Chris McAlister on Identity
   :: Interview with John Lynch on The Room of Grace
   :: Interview with Adam Calvert on Rebuilding Trust
   :: Interview with Bob Flayhart on the Transforming Power of the Gospel
3. Find a good therapist.
   Trust me, you are not going to be able to figure out why you have done the things that you have done on your own. A good therapist can help you dive into your personal story and uncover places that are wounded and in need of healing. We often overlook the impact of emotional pain in our lives, but it is usually underlying pain that we are dealing with in unhealthy and destructive ways.
4. Register for an intensive.
   Everything that I mentioned in point #3 applies here, but, instead of unpacking things with a therapist an hour at a time, an intensive gives you an extended period of time, without interruptions, to plow up much-needed ground. We offer a 4-day intensive for men called EMBARK and our next one will be held November 12-15. CLICK HERE for more information.

If you are reading this and your name is on the Ashley Madison list, God has not and will not abandon you.

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If your name is on the Ashley Madison list, God has not and will not abandon you.
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There is a life of authentic freedom and grace available to you if you are willing to release control and bravely and boldly trust God with your story and take the road that doesn’t offer a shortcut. The healing that you so desperately desire is found as you begin to bring your secrets into the light and walk in truth with others.

It will hurt like hell.

No sense lying to you or sugar-coating it for you. But trust that there is a pain that heals and that, like a surgeon, God wants to deal with your wounds once and for all and introduce you to a life where secrets are not necessary. You can be fully known and experience the genuine intimacy that you were looking for on Ashley Madison and other web sites.

So there is a road to healing and a road that promises a shortcut through the hurt. Both involve pain, but only one will lead to freedom and a life without secrets. God wants to bring beauty out of the ashes.

Will you let Him?

I was interviewed this past week by Stephen Kuhn of Belt of Truth Ministries, as a part of his great “One Thing” series. As he does in all of these interviews, Stephen asked,

“What’s the one piece of advice you would give to someone struggling with porn addiction?”

Watch the video below for my answer.

CLICK TO PLAY:
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Singer/songwriter David Upton and music producer Keith Everette Smith join Tray and Mel for episode #67 to talk about their brand new “soundtrack for the recovery journey” entitled Unraveled. David and Keith discuss the genesis of the project and also the background for four of the album’s thirteen tracks: “Unraveled”, “Change”, “I’ll Leave the Light On”, and “Whiskey Soaked Revival”.

David and Keith’s hearts shine through as they openly and vulnerably share their own journey and their passion for the recovery process.

Download Unraveled now on iTunes by CLICKING HERE or on the album cover below.

Connect with David: Twitter, Facebook, Web
Connect with Keith: Twitter, Web

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Your Feedback

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This is a longer episode than usual, but boy are you in for a treat! Pastor, Professor, and Executive Coach Chris McAlister rocks episode #66 with an in-depth discussion on identity, shame, and healthy community. Tune-in and hear Chris describe how to ‘pause our mental mechanism’ and how this is essential to living out of a secure identity.
To connect with Chris, go to www.sightshift.com, www.marriageshift.com, or www.chrismcalister.com.

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Got questions? Email us at feedback@undoneredone.com or leave us a voicemail by clicking the ‘Leave a Voicemail’ button below. If you have an idea for a podcast you would like to see, please let us know!

Also, if you enjoyed the show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help tremendously in helping us get the word out! Thanks!

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Author Emily Rose Massey joins Tray and Mel for episode #65 of the Undone Redone podcast to tell her story of healing from a past filled with sexual sin and brokenness. Emily openly and honestly shares about sexual abuse, abandonment, and years spent trying to validate herself through male attention and affection. Her book, Yielded in His Hands: Becoming a Vessel for God’s Glory, is her testimony of God’s relentless pursuit in the midst of a wayward life. Connect with Emily on her blog at www.emilyrosemassey.com, on Facebook, and Twitter.

To get a sample of Emily’s music, go to NoiseTrade.com.

Got questions? Email us at feedback@undoneredone.com or leave us a voicemail by clicking the button below. Thanks for listening!

If you enjoy the podcast, please rate it and write a brief review!

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If you have an idea for a podcast you would like to see or a question about an upcoming episode, click the button below to leave us a voicemail.

Also, if you enjoyed the show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help tremendously in helping us get the word out! Thanks!

“Opposite of addiction is not sobriety. Opposite of addiction is connection.” Johann Hari

In this powerful and insightful TED Talk, Johann Hari provides the research that should make us rethink how we have traditionally approached addiction recovery.

Consider these truths in light of the story of the Two Sons recorded for us in Luke 15. Certainly the prodigal had been behaving in typical addict fashion−reckless, irresponsible, self-centered. But the Father does not respond as the prodigal expected. The best the prodigal was hoping for was to be able to be one of his Dad’s hired hands−being restored as a son had not even crossed his mind. But it was the ‘kindness of the Father that led him to repentance.” (Romans 2:4)

At Route1520, we know that beating individuals up about bad behavior only leads to more bad behavior. We know that lasting change can only come through safe, authentic community where we are loved and accepted as we are. As we learn to receive love and acceptance from others, the truth of God’s love for us begins to sink in and shame begins to dissipate.

If you would like more information on how you can establish this type of Christ-centered recovery community at your church or in your area, CLICK HERE for more information on our GroupNOW resources for churches.

Click the Player Below to Listen.

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With the 4th of July coming up this weekend, Tray and Mel dive into the freedom offered by the gospel and the reasons it is sometimes hard to simply live in that freedom. Episode #63 takes a look at powerlessness as the entry-point of the gospel, Paul’s use of the imperative and indicative in his writing, and how the performance treadmill leads to another form of slavery.

If you enjoy the podcast, please rate it and write a brief review!

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