We are pleased to welcome reparative therapist Thaddeus Heffner to the Route1520 blog! Thaddeus practices in the heart of Brentwood, TN and his increasing focus is working with men who wish to reduce their unwanted same-sex attraction. His contact information and links to his website can be found at the bottom of this post.

I had a math professor during my undergrad years that employed the use of scripture when teaching the inversion of numbers.  One scripture that has always stuck with me is 1 John 4:18, “…Perfect Love casts out fear…”- inverted “Perfect fear casts out Love.”  This seems to be especially true when it comes to one of the hot button issues of our day, that being homosexuality or unwanted same-sex attraction: abbreviated SSA.  (Let me clarify that when I speak of homosexuality or unwanted same-sex attraction, I am not speaking of someone who identifies as gay. For further explanation, click here for my blog post entitled “A Case of Mistaken Identity”.)

It is a perfect storm when men are afraid of men; when those that do not struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction fear those who do, and vice versa.  So how do we as men move toward each other, in the spirit of perfect Love, to be a source of healing for each other? Don’t miss the point that both sides of the proverbial aisle need each other if we are to be healed and whole in our masculinity.

In my practice I often work with men (and women) who struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, taking a gender affirming and reparative approach.  To explain here the ins and outs of homosexuality would be too herculean of an effort for a brief blog post, and to digress from the main point.  In short, the therapeutic approach that I take views homosexuality as a symptom while the roots are steeped in attachment-loss and toxic shame.  Simply put, men with unwanted same-sex attraction feel like they are on the outside looking in and that they do not belong to the world of men (attachment-loss or detachment).   For reasons unknown to them, they begin to sexualize men, feeling more orphaned from masculinity than ever before (toxic shame).  This in turn makes them feel farther detached and on the outside of masculinity, which eventually brings them again to sexualizing men and the potential for acting out increases – thus the cycle of shame, isolation, acting out, and back to shame ensues.  Sound familiar?  It is not unlike other patterns men experience when wrestling with addictions; sex, alcohol, perfectionism, exercise, food, etc.  The behavior is the symptom.  What pains are we trying to suppress, while occasionally coming up to gasp a few breaths of stale air only to go back under the surface again?  More importantly, what can be done?

We all have non-negotiable needs in life.  Beyond food, water, shelter, gas for our vehicles, etc. we have needs of other men, our same gender, that lie deep within who we are; the need for acceptance, approval, affirmation, love, brotherhood, respect, healthy forms of affection, to be vulnerable, to be safe, and the list goes on and on.  For the man struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction, these needs have gone greatly unmet, not unlike men that struggle with other symptoms.  The SSA struggler greatly fears rejection from other men, and so he rejects men before they can reject him.  Men who do not struggle with SSA often fear being sexualized or maybe even hit on by those who do.  The end result is two camps of men full of perfect fear, which casts out love and, in so doing, casts out healing and wholeness.

However, when a man struggling with SSA is pulled into a group of safe men and is affirmed, loved, accepted, approved, respected, made to know that he is “one of the guys”, he finally begins to feel a sense of belonging (healthy attachment).  His shame of feeling on the “outside looking in” begins to diminish and with it his sexual attraction toward men.  And so, it is moving toward each other in healthy, safe, and loving ways that heals us as men.  This is true regardless of what we struggle with.

For the SSA struggler: I invite you to find men that you deem to be safe, and walk with a limp.  Seek out men who are not perfect, but authentic, and are willing to be vulnerable.  Find these men and risk.  What have you got to lose but your isolation?  The worst thing taking a risk might bring is rejection, leaving you isolated – a place you most likely already reside. So again I ask what have you got to lose? – Step out and risk (with safe men) leaving your isolation and see what else awaits you. You have only the world to gain.

For men that do not struggle with SSA:  I invite you to open your circles, open your community, and open your arms to men that do struggle.  Rather than seeing a man who struggles with SSA, I invite you to instead see the little boy inside of him who never attached to his gender and who is desperately trying hard to do so.  It is much easier to have compassion on someone when we know his story.  Perhaps he was abandoned by his father, sexually abused, misunderstood, emotionally made a surrogate husband by his mother, etc.  His development has been disrupted, and you can be the safe place for him to catch up and be pulled into community.  You may not know it, but you need him just as much as he needs you.

At the end of the day we are all the same.  We are all men.  Rather than let perfect fear cast out love, and so remain detached and in shame, let us instead surrender to Perfect Love that casts out our fears, and so become men that are more whole and healed.

Thaddeus Heffner is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and speaker in Brentwood, TN.  He sees clients for a variety of issues, including unwanted same sex attraction.  Thaddeus is also available via internet/phone for distance counseling regarding unwanted same-sex attraction. You can follow Thaddeus on his blog and email him at thaddeus@thaddeusheffner.com.

© Thaddeus Heffner for Route1520, 2012. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: SSA, Thaddeus Heffner, Therapists, unwanted same-sex attraction

We are super-excited to have Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Joyce McKay on the Route1520 blog! Joyce practices at Covenant Counseling in Birmingham and is a leading voice in sexual addiction recovery. Joyce’s contact information is listed below with her complete bio.

The journey through sexual addiction (SA) recovery has some different considerations and hurdles when same-sex attraction (SSA) is part of the picture. While shame, secrecy, and health concerns may exist in all forms of SA, for those struggling with SSA, these dynamics carry even greater weight and fear. If the struggler is married and has a family, or is known as a leader in the church, yet another layer of difficulty exists.

In his book, Out of the Shadows, Patrick Carnes identifies four core beliefs that all sex addicts tend to have. Those four beliefs are:

1. Self-Image – I am basically a bad, unworthy person.
2. Relationships – No one would love me as I am.
3. Needs – My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend upon others.
4. Sexuality – Sex is my most important need.

The addict engaged in SSA will also hold these same beliefs. In addition to these elements, which are common among all types of sexual addicts, men who wrestle with SSA characteristically experience some level of fear of men, while women will often experience disdain for and contempt of women. To the average person, this principle seems incongruent, since seeking sexual and/or romantic encounters with their same sex appears to indicate that the person has great desire for their particular gender. In reality, men who experience SSA frequently hold a fifth core belief: “I am not equivalent to and would not be accepted by other men.” The fifth core belief held by women who experience SSA is, “Women are weak and being weak is not safe.”

What does this mean for those involved in SSA who are seeking help to recover from SA? For one thing, it increases the resistance related to attending a same-sex dominated recovery group or disclosing to a sponsor and support people.

Characteristically, all people wrestling with addictions, including sexual addiction, are hesitant to and fearful of going to their first 12-step group, Route1520 group, Celebrate Recovery group, or L.I.F.E. group. The worry that they would be judged or shamed is powerful (remember the core beliefs?), but when the 5th core belief is added to the picture the resistance can truly feel insurmountable. The need for unconditional acceptance is huge and the belief that it does not exist for them sometimes permeates the belief system of people caught in SSA. In addition, the definition of unconditional acceptance often gets skewed into absolute approval, meaning that they should never be told “no.”

As is commonly known, addictions are a way of medicating pain. Having a desire denied in any form often translates into pain for addicts and codependents. Hearing “no” as simply a preference on the part of the speaker or a way in which the speaker is taking care of his or her own personal needs seems like a foreign language to many addicts, and particularly to those whose drug of choice (DOC) is SSA. The concept that “no” may even be a way of expressing love and respect for the person making the request vs. a personal rejection of that request-maker is often incomprehensible. It is a very difficult, but important, perspective to achieve. Once accomplished, however, an entire new world of hope and a vista of possibilities open up, so that it is worth the struggle required in making the paradigm shift.

As icing on the cake, once a person has yielded to the risks of getting involved in the recovery community and has begun the recovery work, typically an entire new sense of connection, and a before unimaginable intimacy develops, which is deeply fulfilling and does much to rout the old addictions. How much more true this is for the individual coming from an SSA focus. To find such acceptance and connection with people of the same gender truly is like being born again!

Joyce McKay (M.Ed., Ed.S., CSAT-S, NCC, LPC) works with Covenant Counseling and Education Center as a private practice mental health therapist.  She also has taught Master’s and Ed.S counseling students at UAB.

Joyce holds two Bachelor’s degrees, one in Occupational Therapy (which allows her the benefit of viewing clients from a holistic perspective) and the other in Spanish, and a Master’s degree in Counseling.  After her Master’s degree she earned an Education.S in Counselor Education from The University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa, and has completed 6 years post master’s course work.

Joyce has done formal counseling since 1979 and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors(NCC).  She is also a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT) and has been a certified group psychotherapist (CGP).  She has extensive experience in working with sexual abuse and sexual addictions issues, gender identity issues, grief issues, depression, and personality disorders- particularly borderline personality.  Past Board Member – Alabama Board of Examiners in Counseling (5-1/2 years).

If you would like to contact Joyce, please email her at joyce@lifefromdecay.com.

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Post tags: Authentic Community, Celebrate Recovery, CSAT, Joyce McKay, Recovery, recovery groups, Route1520 Groups, Same Sex Attraction, SSA

We are pleased to once again welcome Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Becky Whitson to the Route1520 blog! Becky and her husband, Jim, have been ministering to couples who have been touched by sex addiction for years and we are excited to have her share her personal and professional wisdom with spouses who are grasping for answers in the middle of the chaos. Becky’s contact information is listed at the end of this post.

Disclosure reminds me of the myth of the Phoenix.  The Phoenix is a bird that builds its nest, then bursts into flames, collapses into ashes, and then is reborn from the ashes, a new creature.  Disclosure is tortuous, but necessary.  The old relationship crashes and burns so that a new, healthy spiritual relationship can be born from the ashes.

No one would walk into the fire unless he thought it would be absolutely necessary to his healing.  Research indicates that full disclosure is a cornerstone for healing to take place for the addict, the spouse, and the relationship.

For the addict, getting everything out in the open is critical to healing.  A saying from AA is “we’re only as sick as our secrets.”  Keeping a secret allows a seed to remain from which the addiction can sprout again.  For the addict, disclosure brings relief, an end to denial and secrecy, and the doorway to recovery.  It is like carrying a heavy load and finally being able to get rid of it.  Along with the good, the addict experiences great shame at what he has done and caused; it is like looking death in the face, for it risks the end of the relationship. The immediate results of disclosure are different for addicts than for spouses.

For the spouse, disclosure does not bring relief, but great pain. It is like she is behind a dump truck and thousands of pounds of concrete are being dumped on top of her.  She is stunned, shocked, hurt, and angry.  She feels as if she doesn’t know the person who has chosen to hit her with this load.  She is left to wonder how someone to whom she has given her life can treat her with such carelessness and disrespect.  She doesn’t think she can get over such a huge betrayal.  She most often experiences symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—numbness, intrusive images, shakiness, nausea, shifting moods, inability to concentrate or to sleep.  Yet, along with the bad comes good. Most often, she has been taught by the addict to deny her own reality, to feel crazy.  Disclosure allows her to make sense of her past, confirm her suspicions, validate her own reality, and become empowered to take care of herself.  Through the pain of the process, she is reborn a more solid individual.

The best way for disclosure to take place is to plan for it.  Couples often come to therapy with the betrayed knowing some, but not all.  It is important to work with each person independently to identify the parts of disclosure needed for healing and not harm.  The betrayed normally wants to “know it all.”  Knowing the details of the acting out is not in the best interest of the spouse.  The partner who has all the details in her head may obsess over them, causing herself great pain.  She makes “a bed in her head” for all the images, and they intrude as they wish, unbidden.  Knowledge seems as if it will provide control, but there is no way for her to control the acting out of the addict.  That is his job, and he must take charge of it.  The spouse is assisted in developing guidelines about what she wants to know.  She is encouraged to write down questions and information that she needs. The therapist works with her to make sure she has someone to turn to after the disclosure.  She needs an appointment set up with the therapist to process the painful feelings and she needs to have a support system in place.

The addict is strongly encouraged to provide a full disclosure early on.  When disclosure is not complete, eventually the details come out.  When this happens, it totally destroys any trust that has been created.  It is like starting all over.  The more time that passes before disclosure, the more trauma it creates.  It is best, once therapy is started, to do a full disclosure with a month or two.  The addict needs to remember that statistically, over half of the partners threaten to divorce, but in actuality fewer than a quarter of that number actually do.

To do a full, formal disclosure that will provide healing, the addict follows a protocol set out by a CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist).  Beforehand, the addict does a timeline of his acting out behaviors.  It is important that he take full responsibility for his acting out and does not blame anyone else.  In the timeline, he includes the sexual activity; for example, strip clubs, oral sex, intercourse, phone sex, etc.  Details of the sexual acts are omitted.  He also includes an estimate of the amount of money he spent.  He estimates the amount of time he spent on looking for, acting out, and recovering from his behavior.  An important part of disclosure is admitting how he has been dishonest, how he manipulated and used his partner.  He acknowledges making her feel crazy and making her feel she was to blame.  If he has been dishonest about taking money for himself and letting the family do without, if he has put his job at risk, or if he has put the children at risk, he acknowledges this also.  If he has been abusive with anger or words, he admits that and takes responsibility.  He takes responsibility for how his emotions, words, and actions have affected others.  If he has acted out with someone the spouse knows and would be associating with, he acknowledges that.  At the end of disclosure, he states that only he is responsible for his behavior, and that he is sorry for how his actions have affected his family.  Before this disclosure is read to the spouse, he should go over this disclosure with the therapist to make sure he is using language to show that he is taking responsibility and that he is not minimizing the acting out.  After he reads his disclosure, the spouse is asked if she has any questions, or if she would like to wait for another session so that she can get over the shock, process this, and ask questions later.

The key to the success of this process is the addict’s ability to take full responsibility for his behavior, acknowledge the partner has every right to be angry, and say he is wrong and that he is sorry.

Becky Whitson is a Licensed Professional Counselor with an extensive background in education and training. Prior to joining Covenant Counseling & Education Center, Becky worked as a career consultant and presenter. She holds an Ed.S. in Education and a Master’s Degree in counseling. Additionally, she is a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT). Her counseling interests include depression, anxiety, infidelity, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, trauma treatment and personal growth.

She is a level ll EMDR therapist. EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is used in treating trauma, phobias and self-defeating behaviors. EMDR uses back and forth eye movements similar to those occurring naturally in REM sleep. It appears to take advantage of a natural healing process of the brain. Research studies have consistently shown positive results.

If you would like to contact Becky, please email her at beckywhitson@yahoo.com.

© bwhitson for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Betrayal, Disclosure, Rebuilding Trust

We are pleased to welcome Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Becky Whitson to the Route1520 blog! Becky and her husband, Jim, have been ministering to couples who have been touched by sex addiction for years and we are excited to have her share her personal and professional wisdom with spouses who are grasping for answers in the middle of the chaos. Becky’s contact information is listed at the end of this post.

(For the sake of brevity, I’m using husband/he throughout this post; however, women are sex addicts as well.)

The day you found out your husband was lying to you about his sexual infidelity (virtual or real) felt like the rug of the world had been pulled out from under you, and you were in a free fall. You knew something was wrong, but now your worst nightmare has been confirmed. The man you thought you married has turned into someone that you don’t know, that you can’t trust. Where do you go from here with no one to turn to, struggling with a weight of about 2,000 pounds in the pit of your stomach? Is life even worth living?

Through the process of God’s timing, the darkness of night turns into the light of day. When you put yourself into the process of recovery, with God’s help, the darkness you are experiencing now will turn into a light that you can only hope for at this time. Other people who have experienced this hope restored will be of great benefit in your journey.

Here is an outline of the recovery process:

1. Get to a therapist who understands sexual addiction as soon as possible.
   Even if your husband isn’t a sex addict, a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) will know the difference and will be able to help you with the issues. These are things this person will tell you:
   
   Your husband’s acting out is not your fault.You didn’t cause it, and you can’t fix it.

   Even though you want to know all the details immediately, it is better to wait a few weeks in order to get a full disclosure with the aid of a therapist. You need the support, and your husband needs to work on the benefits of disclosing everything—not just what he thinks you know. When full disclosure is not done all at one time, you are traumatized each time something leaks out. Addicts usually don’t want to tell everything because of their own shame and fear that you will leave if you know it all; however, a CSAT will educate the addict on the necessity for you and for him. You will get all the major parts—ways in which the addict acted out, names if you know any of the people, amount of money spent, and ways in which he manipulated or lied to you. It is not in your best interest to ask for the gory details. They burn themselves into your brain, and it is almost impossible to get rid of them. They make a “bed in your head” and attack you without your permission or desire. You set yourself up for an issue much like the addict’s—the thoughts hi-jack your brain and take over.

   Taking the focus off the addict and turning to your own self-care is the absolute best way to deal with this situation. Explore the boundaries you need to set for yourself in order to feel safe and have some predictability in your life. Establish some “non-negotiables”. Be clear about what you can and cannot accept in your relationship. Some examples might be no sex outside of the marriage, no pornography, no masturbation, no contact with former lovers. Think about consequences if your partner violates the boundaries. Limits you set with your partner may not be received with happiness; however, they are important for your recovery. He may tell you that you are trying to control him. There is a difference between controlling the other person and determining what you need to feel safe. You can decide what you are willing to put up with in a relationship.

   Many women do not want to have sex with the partner who has betrayed them; however, they are afraid if they don’t, then that person will be more likely to act out. The wife often becomes hyper-sexual in an unconscious effort to control the addict. This coping mechanism never works. The issue is not about the amount or quality of sex. It is an intimacy/attachment disorder and must be worked on from the inside out by the addict.The best thing you can do is decide what YOU need, not what is good for the addict. Take the focus off him and turn it to yourself.

   The goal is for you to speak up about what you need in order to feel safe and protect yourself. You have been traumatized because life as you know it has been destroyed. You need to identify ways in which you can feel as safe as possible in order to recover from the devastation that you’ve experienced. Finding out about infidelity is like a head-on collision with an eighteen wheeler. Everything in you has been crushed. You will  need to treat yourself with your own personal ICU. In as many ways as possible, ask yourself, “How does this feel to me?” If you trust your deep inner knowing, you will be able to take care of yourself and work through this, with or without your husband.

2. Allow yourself to grieve.
   Grief is essential to healing. Compare this trauma to a physical wound. The trauma creates infection as the feelings fester. You have to open the wound, clean out the infection, expose it to light in order for it to heal. The same takes place emotionally. You can’t just close up all the pain. You have to intentionally go in and dig it out. This is excruciatingly painful as you let go of the dream of your relationship. A simple way to grieve is to write down the dream you had of how your marriage would be. What would your husband be like? How would he treat you? Go into as much detail as possible. Then, write down what is going on now. Based on what you’ve learned, who is this person? What are his characteristics? Working with this Dream vs Reality exercise will enable you to let go of the dream so that God can bring something new out of the ashes.
3. Go to a support group.
   As soon as possible, go to a support group such as the Route1520 Support Groups for Spouses. Other women who have gone through the same thing will be there, will understand the devastation you are feeling, and will be able to walk with you along this healing journey. As one person said, “They just get it.”

COMMON QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS

1.  How did this happen?
   This problem started long before you came into the picture. Your husband had an issue with intimacy and attachment before he ever met you; however, some of the coping mechanisms you’ve learned have meshed right in with the intimacy issues he faces.
2. Why do I have to do the work and my life be disrupted?
   Getting into therapy and recovery for yourself will help you see and correct your own unhealthy ways of coping. Some of these which are common are: shouldering too much responsibility for the family (managing children, household, finances); making excuses when the other person didn’t fulfill his responsibilities; tolerating unwanted behavior, sexual advances, or attitudes; being willing to put up with too little for yourself.Your own recovery will empower YOU to be the best you can be, regardless of the person you are with.
3. What do we tell the children?
   What is disclosed to children depends on the age. Both people need to work with a therapist in order to be strong enough to deal with disclosure. There are guidelines for disclosing which provide safety (not secrecy) for everyone involved.
4. Will I ever be able to trust him again, or will I always live in fear?
   Trust is like a house. Once it’s destroyed, it takes a long time to build it back. The willingness of the addict to do “whatever it takes” lays the groundwork. As you see your partner fulfilling that promise, trust builds. Trust is a process of watching consistency in your partner. Trust is enhanced when the addict is patient and responds with reassuring, understanding actions and words when you are having difficulty trusting.Another aspect of building trust is accountability. The addict must be willing to be open about bank accounts, cell phones, emails, voice mails, etc. in order for trust to be restored; however, wives should be careful not to go into detective mode and create more stress for themselves by constantly checking. Remember—the focus stays on you.
5. Can I ever forgive him?
   Forgiveness is possible, but it is also a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. When the partner is willing to be consistent and understanding over a period of time, and the wife is willing to forgive, God designs it. Spring’s book How Can I Forgive You? provides a plan for both parties. Your forgiveness depends to a great degree on your willingness to grieve the loss, set boundaries, and live truthfully from the inside out. “Let your yes be yes and your no, no.” When you can trust yourself to set boundaries, identifying what you need and what you will live with, forgiveness occurs as part of the growth process. Forgiveness takes time. It takes years for a wound so deep to be healed.
6. Will sex ever be the same?
   Hopefully not! Couples can learn a healthier way to be sexual. The skills of real intimacy need to be learned and implemented in order for sex to be what God intended. Sex can be mutual and loving.

Finding out about the betrayal is devastating. Once you’ve walked through the darkest night of your soul, joy does come in the morning. Grief and pain carve out a container for your joy. Peace that passes understanding comes as a part of this journey.

My husband and I are 20 years down this journey. We continue to grow individually and in relationship with each other. 20 years ago, I could never have imagined we would be where we are today. As a result of my own experience in recovery, I became a sexual addiction therapist in order to share the hope of recovery.

Blessings and grace to you,

Becky Whitson, MA, Ed.S.,CSAT, NCC

Becky Whitson is a Licensed Professional Counselor with an extensive background in education and training.   Prior to joining Covenant Counseling & Education Center, Becky worked as a career consultant and presenter.  She holds an Ed.S. in Education and a Master’s Degree in counseling.  Additionally, she is a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT).  Her counseling interests include depression, anxiety, infidelity, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, trauma treatment and personal growth.

She is a level ll EMDR therapist.  EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is used in treating trauma, phobias and self-defeating behaviors.  EMDR uses back and forth eye movements similar to those occurring naturally in REM sleep.  It appears to take advantage of a natural healing process of the brain.  Research studies have consistently shown positive results.

If you would like to contact Becky, please email her at beckywhitson@yahoo.com. 

© bwhitson for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Becky Whitson, Co-Dependency Recovery, Covenant Counseling, My Husband is a Sex Addict, Recovery, Surviving an affair

In the years I worked under Dr. C. John (Jack) Miller, he would often give strugglers the assignment to re-write Luther’s Introduction to Galatians in their own words.  The original translation from German to English is long, wordy, and has historically irrelevant parts, but the material is invaluable.  If Romans is Paul’s theology write large, than Galatians is that same theology write small.  It is compact and addresses the real-life issues with the Judaizers.  The Judaizers were leaders in many of the churches Paul started who had returned to a form of “works righteousness.”  Some of your best, and loving friends may be no different.  Their “wisdom” will blind you.

Bill Slack’s response to Jack Miller’s assignment was clear and concise and eventually made its way into the Sonship discipleship materials. I gladly share Slack’s work with the hope that it offers clear light in the on-going debate between legalism and grace.

Martin Luther’s Argument of the Epistle of St. Paul in the Galatians

Paraphrase in modern English by Bill Slack

Christian righteousness is the greatest righteous.  God puts it on us without our lifting a finger.  It’s not political or ceremonial.  It doesn’t have to do with our obeying God’s law.  It has nothing to do with what we do or how hard we work, but it is given to us and we do nothing for it.  It’s “passive righteousness” because we don’t have to work for it. With this “free righteousness” we don’t do anything, we don’t give anything to God, but we receive and allow someone else to do it.  That’s why we’ll call it “passive righteousness.”

This passive righteousness is a mystery that someone who doesn’t know Jesus can’t understand.  As a matter of fact, Christians don’t completely understand it and don’t take advantage of it when they’re tempted.  So we have to constantly teach it over and over again to other and repeat it to ourselves, because if we don’t understand it have it in our hearts, we will be defeated by our enemy, and we’ll be totally depressed.  There is nothing that gives us peace like this “passive righteousness.”

When we see the Law, we see our sin.  The evil in our lives comes to mind, it tears us apart, and we groan and think, “How bad I have been.  My life is full of hate and evil.  Please, God, let me live and I will fix up what I have done wrong.”  Man is so evil that all he can see is what he should do to be righteous.  He is so evil he cannot see what Christ has done for him to be righteous.

So the afflicted and troubled conscience has no cure for depression and death unless it takes hold of the forgiveness of sins by grace, offered free of charge in Jesus Christ, that is “Christian” or “passive” righteousness.  When the person realizes this, he is at peace and can say “I am not going to work for my righteousness, even though I need to have it, and I need to be righteous. Because even if I could work up to righteousness, still I could not trust it to make me right at the judgment of God.  So I throw away all my works, my tries at obeying God’s law, and firmly hold on to “passive righteousness,” that is the righteousness of grace, mercy and the forgiveness of sins.  In short, I trust only in the righteousness that Christ and the Holy Spirit give me!

It is like this:  the earth doesn’t produce rain, nor is it able by its own power or work to get it.  The earth simply receives it as a gift of God from above.  It is the same with “passive righteousness.”  It is given to us by God without our deserving it or working for it.  So let’s look at what the earth is able to do to get the rain each season so that it can be fruitful.  And we will see how much we are able in our own strength and works to do to get heavenly and eternal righteousness.  We see we will never be able to attain it unless God Himself, by the great gift of His Son, gives us Jesus’ perfect record, and gives us Jesus’ perfect righteousness.

So when I see a man that is bruised enough already, burdened by the Law, terrified with sin, and thirsting for relief, that is when in truth it is time to take the Law and “works” righteousness out of his sight and show him by the Gospel “passive” righteousness (Christian righteousness) which offers the promise of Christ without the Law, that Christ came for the hurting and for the sinners.  The man is raised up and has good hope; he is no longer under the Law but covered by grace.

So do we do nothing?  Don’t we do any work to obtain this righteousness?  I answer, nothing at all, for this is perfect righteousness, “to do nothing,” but to know “  believe only this, that Christ is gone to the Father and not now seen.  He sits at His Father’s right hand not as a judge but making us before God wise, righteous, holy, and redeemed; briefly, that He is our high Priest pleading for us and reigning over us and in us by grace.

But if there is any fear or our conscience is bothered, it is a sign that our “passive righteousness” is “withdrawn” – that is, grace is hidden from us, and Christ is darkened – out of our sight.  But when we truly see Christ, we have full and perfect joy in the Lord with peace of mind, and we certainly know “Although I am a sinner by the Law and under condemnation of the Law, still I don’t despair, still I don’t die, because Christ lives, who is both my righteousness and my everlasting life.”  I am indeed a sinner in this life of mine and in my own righteousness, as a child of Adam; where the Law accuses me; death controls me and eventually would destroy me.  But I have another life, another righteousness, above this life which is in Christ, the Son of God, who knows no sin or death but is eternal righteousness and eternal life.

The flesh is accused, tempted, weighed down with sorrow, bruised by the “works” righteousness of the Law; but the Spirit reigns, rejoices and is saved by this “passive” and Christian righteousness.

Because of this St. Paul sets out diligently in this letter to teach us, to comfort us, and to keep us constantly aware of this Christian righteousness that is so great.  For if the truth of our being justified by Christ alone is lost, and then all Christian truths are lost.  For there is no middle ground between “passive” and “works” righteousness.  The person who wanders away from “passive” righteousness has no other choice but “works” righteousness; that is to say “If he does not depend on the work of Christ, he must depend on his own work.”

So we must truthfully proclaim and continually repeat the truth of this “passive” or “Christian” righteousness so that Christians continue to hold to it and never confuse it with “works” righteousness.  Otherwise we will never be able to understand God’s truth, because on this truth and only this truth the church is built and has its being.

“Wherefore I do admonish you, especially those who will become teachers and counselors, and each individual, that you practice this by study, by reading, by meditation of the Word, and by prayer, that when you are tempted you will be able to teach and comfort yourself and others, and bring them from the Law to grace, from “works” righteousness to “passive” righteousness and to conclude “from Moses to Christ.”  For when we are in trouble or our conscience bothers us, the devil likes to lay on us the guilt of sin, our wicked past, the wrath and judgment of God and eternal death to drive us to desperation, make us slaves to him and pluck us from Christ.  Furthermore, he wants to set against us the parts of the Gospel where Christ requires works from us and with plain words threatens damnation to us if we do not do them.  Now, if we cannot see the differences between the two kinds of righteousness and we do not take hold of Christ by faith, sitting on the right hand of God (Hebrews 7:25) who pleads our case, sinners that we are, to the Father, then we are under the Law, not under grace, and Christ is no more a Savior, but a Lawgiver; so that now there is no salvation, but a definite despair, and everlasting death, unless we repent.

Give no more heed to the Law than what it deserves, and say to yourself, “You, Law, would climb up into my conscience and rule me and reprove me of sin and would take away my joy that I have by faith in Christ and drive me to despair that I would be without hope and perish.  This you try to do without authority, keep yourself within your bounds, and use your influence on my flesh, but do not touch my conscience.”

When I have this righteousness reigning in my heart, I descend from heaven like rain making the earth fruitful, that is to say, I enter into a new kingdom and I do “good works” whenever and however I get the opportunity.  To conclude, whoever is convicted that Christ is his only righteousness, doesn’t lonely do his work cheerfully, gladly and well, but also, if necessary, submits to all kinds of burdens and dangers in this life with love because he knows this is God’s will, and God is pleased by his obedience.  This is what the letter of Galatians speaks of.  Here Paul shows us this by addressing the presence of false teachers among the Galatians who had covered up this “passive” righteousness.  He set himself against them and defends and commends his authority and office.

 

© Dana Stoddard for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: C John Miller, Dana Stoddard, Jack Miller, Legalism and Grace, Luther's Introduction to Galatians, Sonship, World Harvest Mission

I was talking last week with a good friend and a conversation she had had recently with a friend of hers came up. Her friend has a 15 year old son who has been taking showers more frequently and his showers had gotten much longer.

She has a pretty good idea why.

This mother wants to know how to properly deal with the issue of a masturbating teenager. It is obviously an awkward and sometimes uncomfortable conversation, so many parents opt to not address it at all and hope that it will take care of itself. The other common approach taken by many parents is to try to cause the teen to feel bad about the behavior so that the behavior will cease.

Both of these approaches can have devastating effects on your teen. Let’s look at both a bit more closely.

Silence
A recent study revealed that our kids are exposed to over 40 sexually explicit references per day. Most likely, each of these references offer a skewed and perverted picture of God’s wonderful gift of sex. If we are silent on the subject of sex and masturbation in our homes, we are ensuring that our kids are not hearing the truth about God’s design for sex and will accept as true our culture’s skewed and distorted view of sex and sexuality.

If you have been silent on this issue altogether or relegated this discussion to “the talk” that was a one-time event, there might be twinges of guilt stirred up when you discover your teenager is masturbating. Perhaps if you did have “the talk”, you kept the discussion brief and only dealt with the biological facts of procreation and did not venture into areas like masturbation, pornography, and how to handle natural urges and desires.

Our silence on this issue sends a loud and clear message to our kids…sex must be bad because mom and dad don’t want to talk about it. When we don’t talk about it, our kids are left attempting to figure out some pretty heavy stuff on their own. We can be sure that friends at school or the Internet are more than willing to provide answers to the questions that they don’t feel safe enough to ask you.

The “Freak Out” Method
Another popular response to discovering that your teenager is masturbating is to attempt to make them feel bad about what they are doing. So many of the guys that we work with in our groups had this experience growing up. The most common way to shame the behavior is for a parent to freak out when they find out.

Think about what is going on in the mind of the child. They are already hiding this behavior as best they can by doing it in the shower but mom and dad still find out. Then there worst fears are realized when mom and dad freak out instead of stepping in to offer sound wisdom and advice. Because we don’t know how to hang onto ourselves as parents and because we are uncomfortable with the subject, we simply want it to go away. But freaking out only serves to send it underground and doesn’t properly address the real issues that are going on. Granted you might think it has been dealt with because the showers become less frequent and a bit shorter, but all you have served to do is to communicate loud and clear to your child that it is not safe to talk to you about matters of sex and sexuality.

So if silence and the freak out method aren’t the answer, how are we to properly deal with a teenager who is masturbating?

The Conversation
It is important to establish in your home that it is safe to talk about any and all topics…especially sex and our sexuality. The great news is that it is never too late to start this conversation. If you discover that your teenager is masturbating and you have been talking openly with them for years about sex, then this offers a great opportunity to continue that discussion.

If, on the other hand, your home has been one where the topic of sex has been taboo and off limits and you discover that your teenager is masturbating, this provides the perfect opportunity for the conversation to begin. To start the conversation with a teenager who is masturbating, it might be appropriate to begin the conversation by apologizing for not beginning the conversation earlier. In that discussion, you might consider talking openly about your fear and anxiety about the issue and some of the reasons that you never brought it up. Moving forward, you begin to establish an open dialogue where nothing is off limits, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable.

Problem or Simple Curiosity?
So how do we know if our teenager is simply curious or has a bigger problem? As we enter the conversation, look past the behavior (masturbation) and seek to help your child get in touch with the emotions that are driving the behavior. If, for example, they tell you it happens more frequently when they have a big test or event, you can begin to possibly determine that masturbation might be what they are turning to in order to escape or “check out”. It is important as a parent to mine your child’s heart and understand what is driving the behavior instead of simply wanting the behavior to go away.

Many might say “Well it feels good and it is normal, so I’m not so sure that my teenager really has a problem.” And that might very well be true. As a parent, we want to equip our children to get in touch with feelings and emotions at a deep level and give them the freedom to feel what they are feeling. This freedom, coupled with an environment where they can come to us with anything, provides a level of safety and comfort for kids that is invaluable.

If your kids have not yet reached the teen years, begin to plan now for the lifelong conversation you want to have with your child about sex and their sexuality. A great book that will help walk you through how to do this is A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex

If you have specific questions that you would rather not post in the comments below, feel free to email us at questions@route1520.com.

© Traylor Lovvorn for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: awkward conversations, Masturbation, parenting, raising teenage boys, sex addiction, teenage boys

Be a sinner and sin boldly, but believe and rejoice in Christ even more boldly.

Martin Luther

When was the last time you prayed to be a real, great, desperate and needy sinner? Have you been beating down the doors to heaven praying for exposure of your addiction? Have you been asking the Lord lately for everybody in the world to know about that one secret you have been hiding away your whole life?

My bet would be our answers range from “never” to “no.” I think this is a mistake– a mistake that steals the life Jesus gave us. Does it seem to scream against everything you think and feel right now? Good.

To be honest from the start, it goes against everything I think and feel too. But the thing is that we are not really experts on how to live life, right? At the end of the day really Jesus is the only one who knows how to live life, so what did he say about secrets? He said: nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

The general idea of Jesus is so much easier than his specific words.

Jesus v. Luther?

Martin Luther says to sin without impunity. Jesus says every sin will be accounted for. Is Luther wrong? Should we be afraid to sin? Is the call of Jesus to implement a program of bible study, prayer, meditation, accountability, church-going and exclusive Christian music-listening in efforts to keep ourselves in line?  Is that really all there is to the gospel? Jesus gets us out of hell then tells us to straighten-up and fly right? After five more minutes of failure, is it any wonder that we feel the need to mask our shame in the presence of our Father and our brothers and sisters?

We have been given a reduced gospel that can fit within the confines of twenty verses of Just as I am, but it frightens us too much to move past the altar on Sunday to the office on Monday. We are encouraged to live right but if our job as Christians is to ask the question what would Jesus do? we are dead.

Do you know what Jesus would do? He would create the world with a word. Then he would sustain it with the same word. Then he would show himself to Samson’s dad in the field, Daniel in the Lion’s den and Nebuchadnezzar in his palace. Then he would be born of a virgin named Mary, live a perfect, sinless life, taking on our guilt and die for us. Then he would be raised from the dead because nobody takes his life away from him. Once he rose, he would ascend into heaven and prepare a place for us, praying for us constantly and making us ready for his second coming when he will judge the world in right-ness.

Does any of that sound like something you are capable of doing? No, our call is not to “do what Jesus did,” it is rather to live the life he has called us to live here and now.

Does Grace Come to us as a Principle or a Person?

The poison seeping from the lie of behavior modification and moralism is that the gospel is a principle, an idea, or a set of standards. All of these standards are impossible to meet and so we spin around in circles, being too afraid of angering our Father to live our lives. We feel as if Jesus now expects perfect obedience from us- to walk as he walked, as John says it.

The news is so much better than we know.

We cannot read John’s little letter without seeing his first words. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

The call of the gospel is not to clean up our lives but to believe Jesus, who only offers grace and forgiveness to real, great and desperate sinners.

You see, there is not an offer of grace on the table for fairly good people. It is only there for the worst of the worst. People like you and me!

We have become totally convinced that it is our sin that keeps us from God and one another. We are wrong. It is our façade that keeps us isolated. It is our fear of exposure, not our crimes that keep us running.

The call of Jesus is to come clean.

You are Free! Go Sin Boldly!

This is what it means to sin boldly. When we have seen grace as a  principle that we have to abide by- like terms of a contract we cannot keep- we reach for the nearest mask. We have convinced ourselves that God cannot love us because of our inability to live up to the standards offered by the gospel. We have been wrong. Isn’t that good news?

The offer of grace does not come as a principle but as a person.

Jesus, the perfect, spotless Lord, has decided to look for a wife. To display his inexplicable goodness, he has chosen the worst of the worst. He has chosen sinners. He has chosen prostitutes. He has chosen drug addicts. He has chosen cheaters. He has chosen liars. He has chosen murderers. He has chosen gamblers and overeaters. He has chosen cutters. In a word, he has chosen people do not have the first idea of how to live life.

And why choose people like us? To make us better? No. He chose us to make us new. He knew what he was getting into when he decided to make us his wife. He chose sinners.

He loves sinners.
The time has come to drop your mask.

Sin boldly.

Believe in Christ more boldly.

And rejoice.

Your sins are forgiven.

© Casey Hobbs for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Behavior modification, Casey Hobbs, Gospel, Grace, How Do People Change, Martin Luther, Sin Boldly

I think it was Sarah Markley’s blog a couple of years ago where I first learned about RSS feeds. At first I remember thinking how in the world does she have the time to write that much, but then I began carefully reading her posts and saw the seasoned insight that only comes from one who understands that life is indeed messy. I have a profound respect for Sarah because she doesn’t try to pretty up her story, but rather continually puts it out there as an offering of hope for many who are hanging on by a thread.

Join me in welcoming Sarah to the Route1520 blog and our UNMASKED series and make sure to follow Sarah on Facebook and Twitter if you aren’t already doing so.

Everyone has them.

I’m not a dream analyst but I tend to think naked dreams happen when a person is feeling primarily vulnerable or frightened about something.

Mine happened over and over again between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college.

Somehow I’m in the supermarket in the middle of the morning. Harsh florescent lights above, soft elevator Musack from hidden speakers:  an instrumental version of Phil Collins’ “Sussudio” the backdrop.

On top I would be wearing a sweater or a coat, something to ward off the chill of the refrigerated section. But on the bottom I would be wearing, ahem, nothing.

Nothing. At. All.

Pushing a cart, I would look down and notice that I was exposed, vulnerable and the only thing I could do to escape the nakedness (because my dream occurred in an entirely jeans-less world) would be to wake up.

Wake up.  Wake up, Sarah. NOW!

Stiff, sticky eyes do not want to give up the sleep or the horrible dream. They open in my college dorm room. I turn over because my roommate is still up studying something for Western Civ. I reach under my comforter and yes, I’m wearing pajama pants. I’m not in a bright supermarket and I’m not naked. I’d been in this narrow bed the whole time.

The realness of the dream weakens as I close my eyes again to try to get back to sleep.

I lived for a long time in a sort of dream. Not a naked dream, but a living dream where I believed wrong was right and right was wrong. I lived for three years in the nightmare of engaging in an extramarital affair.

Unlike a traditional nightmare, unwelcomed on the loneliest of nights, this nightmare was completely of my own choosing. But just as in a dream in full Inception-esque style, I could no longer tell what was happening in the outside world. I truly believed that my sinful actions and wrong choices were “okay” and that everyone who thought differently just didn’t get it.

On a Sunday afternoon over six years ago, I had the chance to will myself to wake up.

Wake up, Sarah. NOW!

Between the Holy Spirit, my husband, a few good pastors and my own exhaustion of carrying the weight of heavy sin, I woke up. I woke out of the world where I believed my actions were justified in some twisted way, out of the place where true love and transparency did not exist out of the dream where I couldn’t see anything without the filter of sin over my eyes into the full, real life where God, my husband and our family existed.

Sin faced me squarely and I woke up to my responsibility, to the darkness of my own heart and to the ever-open love of the Father who had been pursuing me.

And my only choice was to stop. To wake up.

Now, here was the nakedness. Not in a nightmarish overnight escapade into a florescent supermarket world, but the nakedness that comes from being vulnerable, transparent and open as a broken sinner in front of the God of the Universe.

What about you. What do you find scary about having your true-self completely exposed?

© Traylor Lovvorn for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Authenticity, Exposed, Grace, Route1520, Sarah Markley, unmasked

Shelley Hendrix knows a thing or two about the performance treadmill. She also has an understanding of grace that only comes from a deep knowledge of herself and her own brokenness. In today’s UNMASKED post, we are grateful to have Shelley openly share about her mask of performance and what it took for God to remove it.

Shelley is a wife, mother, Bible teacher, speaker, author, and television talk show host on Atlanta LIVE! WATC TV 57. She launched Church 4 Chicks in 2008 to cultivate an environment of grace for women in the Atlanta area. Melody and I were privileged to see Shelley’s heart up close when she hosted us on Atlanta LIVE! a few months ago and we are grateful for her willingness to share part of her story in our UNMASKED series.

Connect with Shelley on Twitter and Facebook.

Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:38-42).

I used to read Scripture, especially passages like this one, as though it was mainly a ‘to-do’ book of rules and regulations if one wanted to know what pleased the Omniscient, Invisible, mostly angry, Being-in-charge. I was, from an early age, taught that God loved me, and that He proved this by sending His Only Son, Jesus, into the world to take my punishment for “sin” upon Himself by dying on the Cross. I embraced this message as a young child. And then, somewhere along the ways, something happened. I began to believe that my behavior was more important to God than who I was. I believed that it was up to me to keep God happy with me so I could avoid the ugly consequences of my bad behaviors. I pictured Him keeping an eye on me to catch me in wrong-doing so He could make sure I never got the impression that I’d ever get away with it. Somewhere inside of me, I believed He loved me and delighted in me and just wanted to enjoy me; but that seemed way too good to be true. So I spent most of the next 20 years or so trying to figure out how best to prove to Him and others that I could one day really belong in His family. I lived mostly in fear of disappointing God and others, and I saw the opinions of those in authority as indicators of how well or how poorly I was doing.

Those who have known me a long time would attest to the fact that I’ve always been a pretty good girl. I sought ways to honor others and to be a good leader, even as a child and teenager. My brief stint of rebellion was very short-lived and, on my worst offense, would probably make most folks still label me as a ‘goodie-goodie.’ I never minded that because I thought my good behavior was all adding up to a goal I desired: to one day feel God’s favor and blessing; to one day put my check marks for verses memorized, gold stars for attendance, and good grades into a file that would finally put me over the top–moving me from the B List I felt I was on to the coveted A List in Heaven’s Kingdom.

And, you know what, I didn’t even realize I was doing any of this at the time.

I just thought I was doing what any grateful and good Christian would do. I was motivated by a deeply imbedded desire to please God. I did love Him, although I was still very fearful of Him. In fact, my life verse from the time I was 15 years old was Philippians 1:20. I had read this verse on January 1, 1990 in Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost For His Highest” which my dad had given me as a Christmas gift the week before. It says,

“My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honour to Christ in my own person by fearless courage.” Philippians 1:20 (MOFFATT)

This verse continues to mean a lot to me, but for a different reason today than back then. For years I read this verse feeling the pressure to perform and try harder and work myself to exhaustion in order to prove to God how much I loved Him. I thought about all the things I was already ashamed of and didn’t want to add any more to that list! The hole I was trying to fill just kept getting bigger though, and no amount of striving could fill it up–not even close. The more aware I was of my shortcomings, the harder I worked to overcome them. The harder I worked to overcome them, the more aware I became of how far I had to go. My focus was on sinning less but not on loving God more. Oh yes, I wanted to love God more, but I always saw my sin as a roadblock to intimacy with God rather than understanding a very key truth:

Intimacy with God was purchased for me through the Person of Jesus Christ who not only died FOR my sin, but became my sin and removed the barrier forever!

2 Cor. 5:21 says it plainly: “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (ESV)

How did I miss this for so long?

When a person embraces Christ’s gift of pardon, God does something pretty incredible that no other world religion even comes close to promising: Yes, He forgives our sin and that’s amazing! But He goes on to do something even greater: God’s very Spirit and Nature becomes one with that person’s spirit and nature, making US the righteousness of God! (See Colossians 1:27)

So, as I have been learning more and more about the new nature I was given at salvation and the redemptive work of the Holy Spirit in me, I have been finding more and more freedom to be who God has already made me to be–rather than trying to become something in order to prove something. It has changed everything! No longer focusing on sinning less, I am free to enjoy my relationship with God loving Him and trusting Him to reveal areas in my life where He desires to prune, remove, strengthen, mature, etc. I used to think I was being humble by berating myself over every little thing I did that I felt didn’t measure up–I now realize how prideful it was to continually focus on me and my abilities to bring about maturity and spiritual growth. There is a freedom to be had for all who have trusted Christ for salvation and that is the freedom of trusting Him for our sanctification (maturity) as well!

Now, with this in mind, take a look again at Mary and Martha’s story. We hear all the time that we need to ‘be’ more like Mary and ‘not be’ like busy, angry Martha. But I see something deeper than that at work here. Notice that Jesus never scolded or belittled Martha. He recognized that her understanding of their relationship was skewed–just like mine was. He knew that Martha loved Him, that wasn’t in question at all. The thing was, though, that she was trying to prove her love by pleasing Him and to please Him, she did what she did best naturally: she served Him. BUT, in all of her serving Him, she wasn’t trusting Him. Hebrews 11:6 teaches that our trust in Him is what pleases Him most. It’s not our “striving to please Him” that proves anything! I can obey God all day long and still never learn to trust Him. But once I begin to trust Him, I will find that I am much more inclined to obey Him.

Mary understood that “one thing” that was vital–and it’s even deeper than spending time reading Scripture and praying–the “one thing” is that Jesus was someone she could fully trust and rely on. She trusted in His love for her enough to know that it was more than okay for her to simply enjoy spending time with Him and listening to Him. She trusted in Him and this was so pleasing to Jesus. Any time our trusting Him is a motivator to anything we do or don’t do, this is what delights our Heavenly Father most. Whenever we are striving to remove the sin barrier ourselves–whether to earn salvation or to earn our sanctification–we miss it by a longshot!

When Christian leaders use their platform to get people busy for God, they often miss the opportunity given to them to teach those readers, listeners, students, congregations, etc who God is and who He has granted them to be. They often resort to guilt, pressure, and manipulation unintentionally in their efforts to see growth and maturity take place in others–and even in themselves. But, what might happen if we began to spend some time learning with one another what it means that we are now new creations in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17)? What if those of us in leadership would trust the work of the Holy Spirit more to bring about desired change as we encourage people by teaching them who they are?

Here’s are some examples of a shift in motive:

• What if, instead of trying to convince others to obey God to prove they trust Him, we instead taught others how trustworthy God is?
• What if, instead of trying to battle some life-dominating sin in order to get it out of the way so I can be close to God, I live out of who He says I already am, and I allow Him in close to deal with that issue Himself as I trust Him with what is absolutely, and even painfully, true about me?
• What if I learn to reveal to others who I really am rather than trying to prove my authenticity by working harder to become who my “masks” give an impression that I am? What if I let the masks come off and allow God’s glory to shine through my weakest places?

Someone told me a while back that they knew some things about me that they could use to hurt me. The thing that gives me freedom and removes any fear is that I’ve openly shared my true self and the things of my past to key people in my life who already know the worst about me, and love me more, rather than less. I’ve been able to share on TV, on stage, and in print some things that once held me in shame, but no longer, as I’ve received the GRACE of God who knew the worst about me before I was ever created and wanted me still.

So what motivates you the most? A desire to please God or simply trusting Him?

© Traylor Lovvorn for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Atlanta Live, Authentic Living, Church 4 Chicks, Gospel, Grace, Shelley Hendrix, unmasked

I distinctly remember the day that I stumbled upon Serena Woods’ blog, Grace is for Sinners. I started reading her story and tears were streaming down my face within 5 minutes. The details of her journey mixed with the earthiness with which she wrote was a combination that I could not turn away from. Calling Melody into the room, I wiped the tears from my face and said, “Honey, this girl GETS grace.”

Like me, Serena experienced the overnight plunge from pristine image to moral leper and has the emotional scars to prove it. The courage that she exhibits as she boasts in her weaknesses without making excuses is a trait that I want to emulate daily. Join me in welcoming Serena to the Route1520 blog. Please share this exceptional post with your family and friends.

I became a Christian when I was 19. I grasped the theology that God offers a clean slate to the messed up and a new life to those who want to start over. I was coming from a place of hopelessness and fragmentation.

I was the child of a 15-year-old gypsy. We lived on the streets and in the back seat of cars. I was tortured and abused by the men in her life, but always held out hope that I would have a better life one day. When I was taken away from her and put into foster care, I was taught to pack my pain away and focus on my future and possibilities. When I was adopted at 10, I was told to forget my life before 10 and embrace my new life and new name. When left home to live on my own at 17, I decided to forget my life before and start over. Starting over with no foundation proved to be impossible and I sunk into the hopeless legacy that my mother gave me. I was finished with my life and looked forward to something snuffing it out. When I got pregnant at 18, I needed to figure out a way to not be my mother so that my daughter would not have to be me. I was four months along when God started whispering promises to me.

Christianity was the furthest I could run. And so I ran. Christianity became my lifestyle and I was devoted to the practice. My life as an abused child of the streets was gone. My life as a foster kid was gone. My life as a runaway was gone. I did not exist before 19. All of my segments were packed away with my pain and I was a shell, waiting to be filled.

I did everything I was taught to do. I studied my Bible so that I could join the conversation. I prayed. I witnessed. I shunned sinners like they were sin. My identity resided in who I was at church. My outside layers were built on performance and the amount of distance I could put between where I stood and where I came from.

I spent nine years building a thick, impenetrable layer of religion over the shell of the nothing that I was. Religion saved my outer life. Because of how much my religious environment changed the way I viewed my inner self, I devoted every aspect of who I was to maintaining it. I wasn’t damaged goods because I didn’t do bad things.

I never questioned my Christian friends and leaders. They didn’t come from the pain and filth that I did. They were bred and raised church pastors, pastors’ wives and leaders. I based my life on their standards and I copied their faith.

God needed to strip away that thick layer of religion and reliance on anyone besides Him. I couldn’t hear Him because I always filtered Him through my church. He didn’t want me to be segmented and He didn’t want me to think I had a relationship with Him when I just had a relationship with His people. He chose to use my failure to as the wrecking ball to the thick wall I had built around myself. I thought that I was protected in my fortress of religious conviction, but I was just a slave. When my fortress couldn’t protect me from myself and my Christian friends didn’t have the answers, I was forced to find God on my own. My life depended on it.

I mourned the loss of what I put my faith in. I mourned the loss of myself.  Everything I had accomplished, everything I put my trust in, every person I looked up to was reduced to ash and I was naked, lost and terrified.

I found myself in a place where my faith wouldn’t die. I was going to make it even though I went through something that should have destroyed me. I kept waiting for the sun to fall out of the sky, but it never did. Instead of despair, I found another chance. Like the devil didn’t know I was dead yet.

I was left with questions. My questions were prodding’s to discover the truth. The truth undid everything.

If I can fail so horribly and still be given another chance, then why do we live fear driven lives? What was it that I was taught that made me so terrified when I messed up? What is it that my friends believed that made them run from me like I was the mouth of a fire-spitting volcano?

My identity was no longer found in how good I could be or in how much distance I could put between my past and me. I am not a segmented woman with fits of starts and do-over’s. I’m me. All of me. I am my Father’s daughter.

There are things that counteract our common sense. There are questions about purpose and meaning that go unanswered. God allows things to happen because we can see Him in the contrast between what was intended to be and what He ended up using it for. He is a junkyard artist making beauty from broken. If you look at why the pieces are broken and you focus on the shards of what could have been then you’ll miss the beauty in the art. You miss the message in the irony. We’re looking for Him in the wrong places.

I hate what I did. I hate who I was. But, I wouldn’t wish it away. I never want to go through that hell again, but too much beauty has come from so much tragedy.  The thing that caused me the most pain in my life, my own failure, is the thing that brought me the closest to God.

Have you ever hid behind the mask of religion? If so, what did it take to break that mask?

© Traylor Lovvorn for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | 17 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Grace, Grace is for Sinners, Hope, Route1520, Scandal, Serena Woods, unmasked