We sang Matt Maher’s Christ Is Risen this morning in worship and these lyrics arrested my attention…

“Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love”

(Click here to listen to the entire song.)

Traditionally, Easter was a great day of celebration for me, but it also provided a lot of inspiration that fueled my bootstraps theology and fed my orphan thinking. “In light of the brutal death that Jesus endured,” I reasoned, “how then can I go on sinning?” And so I would leave with new motivation to work harder in order to please God with my good choices and good behavior.

But it was “the lie of inward shame” that kept me trapped in my addictive cycle. This lie led me to these 4 core beliefs:

1. I was a bad and unworthy person.
2. No one could love me as I was.
3. No one could meet my needs but me.
4. Sex equaled love and therefore sex was my most important need.

But as the above lyrics point out, our hope for the freedom we long for does not come from following a formula or by working harder, but by “running to Him who showed great love.” And that was my dilemma for so many years. I didn’t feel safe to run to Him because my inward shame told me that He was angry and disappointed because of my sin. I only felt like I could run to Jesus when I had had some victory and those moments were pretty rare. And during those periods where I did not have victory, I stayed isolated and alone and the problem only grew worse.

God’s wrath was poured out once and for all on Christ at the cross. If we are in Him, it is not true that He has more wrath to pour out for our recent failures and shortcomings. Fixing our eyes on the cross and being reminded of His sacrifice on our behalf and His great love for us begins to dissipate the shame that holds us captive.

But the Good News of the Gospel doesn’t end there! After taking all of God’s wrath on the cross for sins past, present, and future, Jesus defeated death and arose on that first Easter! There is so much theology wrapped up in the refrain of this song…

“Trampling over death by death”

This was God’s plan “A” from the beginning of time. God, when cursing the serpent in Genesis 3 refers to the “seed of woman” that will crush Satan’s head. There has only been one who has ever lived that came from the “seed of woman”, and that is Jesus. Jesus, the perfect Passover lamb, defeated death by dying.

And the same power that raised Him from the dead is available to us every day of our lives! THAT is the power that we reference in Step 2 in our recovery groups each week. God has dealt with sin and death and provided a Savior. Our role is to daily admit that we need a Savior and surrender to His resurrection power in our lives.

Has the Easter message ever led you to more striving instead of more freedom? Why or why not?

© Traylor Lovvorn for Route1520, 2013. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: 12 Steps, Accountability, Addiction and Theology, Christ is Risen, community, Easter, Matt Maher

“Then Jesus entered Jerusalem, and went into the temple.”
Mark 11:11

This week we celebrate holy week. Everything about our Christian faith hinges on the events of these last seven days in the life of our Savior. Yesterday, Palm Sunday, was the beginning of the end for Jesus as he rode a donkey into Jerusalem. The disciples had feared going to Jerusalem for some time and they must have been shocked and surprised to see how the crowds received Him.

“Hosanna! Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!” the crowd shouted as they waved palm branches.

In Old Testament times, people waved palm branches during various feasts or times of celebration and gladness. Hosanna means “Save now.” The crowd was quoting Psalm 118:26, which reads:

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!
We bless you from the house of the Lord.
The Lord is God,
and he has made his light to shine upon us.
Bind the festal sacrifice with cords,
up to the horns of the altar!”

“Hosanna” means simply, “save now”, and that is exactly what the crowd wanted and expected. They believed that He was going to save them from their Roman oppressors and become their king. They honored Him as king but did not realize that He came first as their humble Savior. If He had ridden into town on a warhorse, they would have known He came as a conqueror. But He arrived in Jerusalem on a simple and plain donkey, which meant He came in peace. They did not realize that He came to die as the Passover sacrifice, to save them from their sins.

Because of these expectations, the celebration didn’t last long. As they heard His teachings about the destruction of Jerusalem, saw Him drive money-changers out of the temple, and warn the people about the Scribes and Pharisees, the crowd realized that He was not there to “save now”. They wanted to hear His plan to overthrow Rome, not about suffering, pain, and destruction.

The crowd was looking to Jesus for a quick-fix for what they considered the main issue that they were facing…Roman oppression. When Jesus didn’t meet their expectations, they quickly revolted and ultimately put Him to death. What they could not see was that Jesus, through His suffering and crucifixion, was delivering them from their real issue…sin and death.

The crowd was looking for a temporary band-aid and Jesus was offering complete healing.

This often parallels our journey in recovery. For years we ran to sex, pornography, work, or control to numb and medicate and cope with the pain of our lives. When these behaviors led to unmanageability and chaos, we started recovery and began to learn to turn things over to God who was able and willing to restore us to sanity. But, like the crowd in Jerusalem, we expected Jesus to “save now” and immediately take away our pain. When He doesn’t meet this expectation of recovery…to make life pain-free…it is tempting to conclude that recovery doesn’t work.

But it is our expectation that is off. When our expectation is for life to be pain-free, we will miss the hope that springs from the valley of the shadow of death. The healing that we have been seeking is found in the frontier of suffering and death, where we least expect it. We cannot bring about the changes that we desire out of our own willpower and volition. It is only as we surrender and allow God to take us to the painful places of our past that genuine healing can take place.

Healing comes on the other side of pain! Victory comes on the other side of the cross!

May each of us have the courage to go through our own pain as we are reminded of our Savior’s pain this week.

© Traylor Lovvorn for Route1520, 2013. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Easter, Holy Week, Hosanna, Palm Sunday, Passion of Christ, Recovery and Holy Week

This is the third post in a three-part series by Greg Oliver. Make sure to read parts 1 and 2 first.

For Both Partners:

A fast allows a couple to discover deeper and more challenging ways to experience intimacy. Too often couples hear the word “intimacy” and thoughts automatically gravitate toward sexuality. This misunderstanding of what constitutes intimacy often springs from a lifetime of unhealthy and self-centered approaches to relationships. What results is a couple who uses sex to achieve intimacy, rather than seeing it as a beautiful expression of the intimacy that already exists. When a couple abstains from sexual activity, they have an opportunity to find new and meaningful ways to express love, to go deeper in their communication, and even to weather conflict in a healthier way that doesn’t use sex to make everything appear fixed.

What to do during the fast:
When sex is not an option, couples will often experience a multitude of feelings ranging from bliss (often from the wife who finally feels less pressure) to irritability (usually from the husband who has always believed he cannot live without sex). But through the length of the fast-whether it is 30, 60, 90 days, or even longer-there are many things that the couple can experience together that can help to deepen their relationship, including…

Checking in:
Making sure to talk about how you’re feeling is important for both spouses. Men and women need to be able to be honest and transparent about how they’re feeling. As days go by and the lack of sex brings intense emotions to the surface, it’s important to talk about it so that this is not a wasted experience.

Practicing non-sexual touch:
For men, learning to touch and not grope their wives is important. For women, learning to accept touch without questioning motive is important.

Praying together:
So few couples actually pray about their sex life. But God created us to be sexual, and in a healthy way, so it makes sense that couples should invite Him into their struggles and experiences. Praying for openness to what God has to teach during the fast, and for deeper connection through every aspect of the relationship are good places to start.

For couples considering a sexual fast for whatever reason, it’s to be expected that it may be a rocky path. No one makes it through this experience without struggling with anger, fear, frustration, or a range of other emotions. It is an exercise in trust, where a husband and wife choose to believe that God has gifts to offer that are worth more than sex, and that, through experiencing them, their sexuality with one another can ultimately be better and more fulfilling than they ever imagined.

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Post tags: Abstinence in Marriage, reestablishing trust, Sex Addiction Recovery, Sex Fast

This is the second post in a three-part series by Greg Oliver. If you missed Part 1, CLICK HERE

For Her:

A fast from sexual activity allows her to remove the pressure to perform sexually.
If a wife who has become aware of her husband’s sexual struggle has chosen to forgive him and stay in the relationship, she will often try to make sure she’s available to her husband sexually, even when she feels no safety in the relationship or desire to be sexual with her husband. This is unnecessary and unhealthy pressure that doesn’t belong in the marriage. A fast gives her the break she needs to stop trying to “take care of him.”

A sexual fast acknowledges her equality in the relationship and helps her find her individuality.
A lot of Christians balk at this idea. Men are quick to run to 1 Corinthians and use it to bludgeon their wives into sexual submission, but many women also use Scripture to perpetuate a belief that their feelings and role in the marriage simply do not matter. Yet in Ephesians and 1 Corinthians we don’t read anything that communicates an inequality among husbands and wives. The submission discussed is much easier for a wife to joyfully do when it’s done in response to a husband who is being biblically obedient to love her sacrificially. This kind of love extends to his being unselfish in his pursuit of sex. A fast gives the wife an opportunity to learn to express when she does not feel prepared or secure to be sexual with her husband, and to believe that this expression is her right as an equal in the relationship.

A sexual fast exposes roots of control and gives opportunities to trust God’s sanctification process in her husband.
The process of a wife finding her equality is usually not pretty or perfect, and often it will expose her desire to control things in the relationship. Control can manifest in her using sex to make sure her husband is OK and won’t betray her again; or it can show up when she refuses sex to punish him or allow for her own selfishness. Taking sex off the table for a season will allow a wife to hear from the Holy Spirit as He exposes these roots of control and begins a work in helping her to trust Him. As she does, she can begin to let go of her desire to control and can approach sex from a much healthier place.

A sexual fast provides opportunity for her to enjoy and even anticipate sex.
A lot of husbands feel like their wives never want sex. A lot of women feel like their husbands never give them a chance to build up a desire. This speaks to the fundamental difference between most men and women. Like it or not, in most cases a man is going to want sex much more often than his wife. Some women have never been allowed-or have never allowed themselves-to go without sex long enough for their own desires and cravings to show up. A time of fasting can give her the opportunity to discover that she is a sexual being after all; and it can be very encouraging for her husband as he sees that the desire he’s doubted existed in her is in fact there.

Part three of this series will be posted soon.

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Post tags: Abstinence in Marriage, Healthy Sexuality, sexual fast

Often, when a man* begins a journey of recovery from porn and sex addiction, he will be counseled to abstain from all sexual activity (even with his wife) for a period of time. Usually the period will be anywhere from 30 to 90 days. In addition to abstaining from sex with each other, both spouses agree that there is to be no…

• Use of pornography
• Masturbation
• Sexual touching
• Intense kissing

(*I’m referring to the man as the addict here because more times than not, this is the case. However, there are certainly many cases where the wife is the one who struggles with addiction.)

As you can see from the above list, some of these activities should be avoided at all times, but some of them are obviously good and healthy in the context of a husband and wife’s relationship with each other. So why should a couple abstain from sex with each other, especially if the husband is diligently working to remove the unhealthy sexual outlets that have been a part of his life for so long? And why should a wife – who may be trying to help her husband adjust to life without pornography – withhold herself from her husband? As counter-intuitive as some people feel a sexual fast is, there is a clear purpose and benefits for both spouses.

There are, no doubt, many reasons for men and women to participate in a sexual fast. Here are some of the ones that have come to light as Stacey and I have done this ourselves.

For Him:

A fast from sex is part of the process of resetting his brain following the removal of pornography.
Many men don’t realize that their misuse of porn and sex have actually produced a physiological change in their brains. In chapter 10 of his book Surfing For God, Michael John Cusick explains the chemical goings-on inside a man’s brain. He writes that when a man is sexually stimulated his brain releases dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that fuels his sense of desire. When a man sexually climaxes, his brain releases not only dopamine, but also serotonin, oxytocin, and norepinephrine. This release is as powerful in the brain as heroine. Excessive use of pornography, over time, trains the brain to release levels of dopamine that are too high and that overstimulate the brain and create neuropathways that make the man feel hooked. He goes back again and again because his brain (and consequently his body) feels the need for sexual stimulii. A man who is has decided to remove porn and the misuse of sex from his life still experiences the strong tug that has developed and has to “reboot” and “rewire” his brain. Rebooting is where a sexual fast comes in. It’s the harsh, cold-turkey removal of sexual stimulation for a time, that helps the brain begin to carve out new and healthy chemical pathways.

A fast from sex allows a man to find opportunities and ways to express love for his wife outside of sex.
Cusick writes of one man he counseled. “As he realized that sexual intercourse had become a substitute for emotional and spiritual intimacy with his wife, he made it a point to pursue nonsexual physical affection, which became a blessing to both of them.” (Surfing for God, p. 161) Many men have no idea how easily they have slipped into and stayed in a habit of using sex as the primary or only way they express tenderness and intimacy with their wives. When our wives see two different husbands – the “normal one” in most contexts and the “caring one” when it’s time for sex – they will get the message. She is an object, her husband’s live action sex toy, existing primarily to give him pleasure. Although most Christian men don’t actively try to convey this message, it comes through loud and clear if we don’t find other ways to show our wives they are special and that we care for them. This time allows the “rebooting” process of his brain to transition into a “rewiring” of the brain; now believing and functioning as a person who doesn’t need sex to be complete, or to be close to his wife.

A fast from sex exposes ulterior motives for serving his wife.
One of the marks of an addict is that he is constantly manipulating people in his life in order to get what he wants. Sometimes this manipulation is purposeful, but sometimes it can be inadvertent. It’s just become second nature, and so often even when he is serving his wife – helping with the kids, cleaning up, doing chores around the house, etc. – he’s doing it to bank sexual credit with her; and he plans to cash it in later. When sex is temporarily not an option, he will probably realize that he no longer feels like serving because it doesn’t get him anything in the immediate. This is an opportunity for him to acknowledge his selfishness and begin to learn how to make new habits of serving with no strings attached.

A sexual fast helps him settle into a healthier practice of sexual fulfillment.
If a man has had a lengthy struggle with porn and misuse of sex, it’s likely that he has no idea what a healthy sex drive looks or feels like. Years of experience have taught him that whenever he feels like having a sexual release, he is entitled to it either through masturbation or sex with his wife. Most men have never developed the discipline of channeling our desires into other expressions of intimacy with their wives. They believe that sex is something that they need every 3-5 days or so, and are not used to going without it for much longer than that. If they do, it’s perceived as a problem that is usually blamed on the wife for being unresponsive or uncaring. But a time of fasting can help the man discover a fundamentally important truth:

Sex is a want, not a need.

Granted, it’s a very good want when expressed in marriage, but it’s a want nevertheless. Jesus Christ was fully God, but He was also fully human, and He never experienced sex. This simple reminder can help a man to realize that sex is not about getting his needs met, but rather a loving expression of his relationship with his wife.

Don’t miss the next post in this series: Resetting Your Sex Life; For Her

© gregroliver for Route1520, 2013. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: abstinence contract within marriage, Resetting Sex Life, sexual fast

I love to run. More specifically, I love to run on trails. Abandoning the pavement in order to enjoy exercise surrounded by God’s beautiful creation, complete with all of the sounds and smells only He can make, is a great diversion. It’s a perfect combination of enjoyment and exercise, in my opinion.

Long distance trail running has much in common with recovery from sexual addiction. Each time I lace up my Inov8’s or Newton’s, and as I venture into the woods, I think of these parallels.

First of all, these distance races are made to be challenging. It is not in the DNA of race creators to find flat, soft terrain so everyone can run as fast as they can and finish without breaking a sweat. Not at all. In fact, most trail runs have areas of different sized rocks, roots, mud, gravel, hills, descents, ledges, water, essentially only creating a path through natural terrain. To finish a race is an accomplishment, a real physical challenge of endurance and fitness.

Long distance trail running is treacherous. Any trail runner knows that every step is a potential sprained ankle, fall, scrape, or more serious injury. As a matter of fact, it’s almost guaranteed that during the course of any race, there will be mishaps. Despite the mis-steps, the race goes on. Other racers pass. Stopping is not an option. Deep into thewoods, there’s no one there to rescue you or carry you out. During my last race, I twisted my ankle 3 or 4 times and had a severe leg cramp 3 miles before completion of the race. Fortunately, I was able to finish after a brief rest. There are dangers around every turn..

Trail running of any distance requires an acceptance of the terrain. Some races are more challenging than others. Steep climbs demand slower pace. Sometimes you must hike. Water and mud must be dealt with. The thinking that you’ll finish with a certain “per mile” pace common to road racing is entirely course-dependent. You go into the race having trained, in the best shape possible, aware of the topography of the course, but with the mindset that you’re going to keep as constant a pace for the distance as possible. I once heard an Everest mountain climber state that he had “beaten the mountain”, to which a Sherpa guide replied, “no one beats the mountain..the mountain simply allowed you to survive”. The voluntary participation in a race, once the woods are entered, is an “all-in” phenomenon–you’re there to finish, even if you have to crawl, even if it takes all night.

Trail runners enjoy community. Anyone who has run any number of races knows what I mean. The numbers are lower than road races, usually in the hundreds, rather than thousands. If you’re injured, those running behind you will ask “are you o.k.?”, and offer to help, if needed. It is not good to run on trails alone over long distances, no matter what your fitness level, due to the remoteness of the location. It could be hours or days before you could be found. There have been many cases of elite runners who likely had cardiac arrythmic events while running, only to be found dead many hours of days later…it is not good to be alone. It is always better to run around others because I, for one, never run with anything except clothing and a watch. Who wants to carry extra weight when trying to be as light as possible?

Sexual addiction is not unlike long distance trail racing. The terrain is difficult. It is exhausting. There are times when we feel like we’re walking, rather than running. Sometimes the climb seems too difficult. We’re often injured deeply, whether from our past experiences, current circumstances, or shaping influences as we grew up. We turn our ankles, so to speak, acknowledging our weaknesses, but we keep moving forward until the end, which we cannot fully experience this side of Glory. We must accept the terrain, acknowledging the pitfalls all around us. We must embrace community and not attempt recovery alone. We are created to be interdependent, not independent. We need each other. We’re there to listen, encourage, admonish, and empathize. Our mentality must be one of determination, that, no matter what, we’ll finish the race, for any future joy outweighs any temporary pleasure.

© Route1520 Guest for Route1520, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Authentic Community, community, Recovery, Recovery Metaphor, Run The Race, Trail Running

We are pleased to welcome reparative therapist Thaddeus Heffner to the Route1520 blog! Thaddeus practices in the heart of Brentwood, TN and his increasing focus is working with men who wish to reduce their unwanted same-sex attraction. His contact information and links to his website can be found at the bottom of this post.

I had a math professor during my undergrad years that employed the use of scripture when teaching the inversion of numbers.  One scripture that has always stuck with me is 1 John 4:18, “…Perfect Love casts out fear…”- inverted “Perfect fear casts out Love.”  This seems to be especially true when it comes to one of the hot button issues of our day, that being homosexuality or unwanted same-sex attraction: abbreviated SSA.  (Let me clarify that when I speak of homosexuality or unwanted same-sex attraction, I am not speaking of someone who identifies as gay. For further explanation, click here for my blog post entitled “A Case of Mistaken Identity”.)

It is a perfect storm when men are afraid of men; when those that do not struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction fear those who do, and vice versa.  So how do we as men move toward each other, in the spirit of perfect Love, to be a source of healing for each other? Don’t miss the point that both sides of the proverbial aisle need each other if we are to be healed and whole in our masculinity.

In my practice I often work with men (and women) who struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, taking a gender affirming and reparative approach.  To explain here the ins and outs of homosexuality would be too herculean of an effort for a brief blog post, and to digress from the main point.  In short, the therapeutic approach that I take views homosexuality as a symptom while the roots are steeped in attachment-loss and toxic shame.  Simply put, men with unwanted same-sex attraction feel like they are on the outside looking in and that they do not belong to the world of men (attachment-loss or detachment).   For reasons unknown to them, they begin to sexualize men, feeling more orphaned from masculinity than ever before (toxic shame).  This in turn makes them feel farther detached and on the outside of masculinity, which eventually brings them again to sexualizing men and the potential for acting out increases – thus the cycle of shame, isolation, acting out, and back to shame ensues.  Sound familiar?  It is not unlike other patterns men experience when wrestling with addictions; sex, alcohol, perfectionism, exercise, food, etc.  The behavior is the symptom.  What pains are we trying to suppress, while occasionally coming up to gasp a few breaths of stale air only to go back under the surface again?  More importantly, what can be done?

We all have non-negotiable needs in life.  Beyond food, water, shelter, gas for our vehicles, etc. we have needs of other men, our same gender, that lie deep within who we are; the need for acceptance, approval, affirmation, love, brotherhood, respect, healthy forms of affection, to be vulnerable, to be safe, and the list goes on and on.  For the man struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction, these needs have gone greatly unmet, not unlike men that struggle with other symptoms.  The SSA struggler greatly fears rejection from other men, and so he rejects men before they can reject him.  Men who do not struggle with SSA often fear being sexualized or maybe even hit on by those who do.  The end result is two camps of men full of perfect fear, which casts out love and, in so doing, casts out healing and wholeness.

However, when a man struggling with SSA is pulled into a group of safe men and is affirmed, loved, accepted, approved, respected, made to know that he is “one of the guys”, he finally begins to feel a sense of belonging (healthy attachment).  His shame of feeling on the “outside looking in” begins to diminish and with it his sexual attraction toward men.  And so, it is moving toward each other in healthy, safe, and loving ways that heals us as men.  This is true regardless of what we struggle with.

For the SSA struggler: I invite you to find men that you deem to be safe, and walk with a limp.  Seek out men who are not perfect, but authentic, and are willing to be vulnerable.  Find these men and risk.  What have you got to lose but your isolation?  The worst thing taking a risk might bring is rejection, leaving you isolated – a place you most likely already reside. So again I ask what have you got to lose? – Step out and risk (with safe men) leaving your isolation and see what else awaits you. You have only the world to gain.

For men that do not struggle with SSA:  I invite you to open your circles, open your community, and open your arms to men that do struggle.  Rather than seeing a man who struggles with SSA, I invite you to instead see the little boy inside of him who never attached to his gender and who is desperately trying hard to do so.  It is much easier to have compassion on someone when we know his story.  Perhaps he was abandoned by his father, sexually abused, misunderstood, emotionally made a surrogate husband by his mother, etc.  His development has been disrupted, and you can be the safe place for him to catch up and be pulled into community.  You may not know it, but you need him just as much as he needs you.

At the end of the day we are all the same.  We are all men.  Rather than let perfect fear cast out love, and so remain detached and in shame, let us instead surrender to Perfect Love that casts out our fears, and so become men that are more whole and healed.

Thaddeus Heffner is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and speaker in Brentwood, TN.  He sees clients for a variety of issues, including unwanted same sex attraction.  Thaddeus is also available via internet/phone for distance counseling regarding unwanted same-sex attraction. You can follow Thaddeus on his blog and email him at thaddeus@thaddeusheffner.com.

© Thaddeus Heffner for Route1520, 2012. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: SSA, Thaddeus Heffner, Therapists, unwanted same-sex attraction

We are super-excited to have Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Joyce McKay on the Route1520 blog! Joyce practices at Covenant Counseling in Birmingham and is a leading voice in sexual addiction recovery. Joyce’s contact information is listed below with her complete bio.

The journey through sexual addiction (SA) recovery has some different considerations and hurdles when same-sex attraction (SSA) is part of the picture. While shame, secrecy, and health concerns may exist in all forms of SA, for those struggling with SSA, these dynamics carry even greater weight and fear. If the struggler is married and has a family, or is known as a leader in the church, yet another layer of difficulty exists.

In his book, Out of the Shadows, Patrick Carnes identifies four core beliefs that all sex addicts tend to have. Those four beliefs are:

1. Self-Image – I am basically a bad, unworthy person.
2. Relationships – No one would love me as I am.
3. Needs – My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend upon others.
4. Sexuality – Sex is my most important need.

The addict engaged in SSA will also hold these same beliefs. In addition to these elements, which are common among all types of sexual addicts, men who wrestle with SSA characteristically experience some level of fear of men, while women will often experience disdain for and contempt of women. To the average person, this principle seems incongruent, since seeking sexual and/or romantic encounters with their same sex appears to indicate that the person has great desire for their particular gender. In reality, men who experience SSA frequently hold a fifth core belief: “I am not equivalent to and would not be accepted by other men.” The fifth core belief held by women who experience SSA is, “Women are weak and being weak is not safe.”

What does this mean for those involved in SSA who are seeking help to recover from SA? For one thing, it increases the resistance related to attending a same-sex dominated recovery group or disclosing to a sponsor and support people.

Characteristically, all people wrestling with addictions, including sexual addiction, are hesitant to and fearful of going to their first 12-step group, Route1520 group, Celebrate Recovery group, or L.I.F.E. group. The worry that they would be judged or shamed is powerful (remember the core beliefs?), but when the 5th core belief is added to the picture the resistance can truly feel insurmountable. The need for unconditional acceptance is huge and the belief that it does not exist for them sometimes permeates the belief system of people caught in SSA. In addition, the definition of unconditional acceptance often gets skewed into absolute approval, meaning that they should never be told “no.”

As is commonly known, addictions are a way of medicating pain. Having a desire denied in any form often translates into pain for addicts and codependents. Hearing “no” as simply a preference on the part of the speaker or a way in which the speaker is taking care of his or her own personal needs seems like a foreign language to many addicts, and particularly to those whose drug of choice (DOC) is SSA. The concept that “no” may even be a way of expressing love and respect for the person making the request vs. a personal rejection of that request-maker is often incomprehensible. It is a very difficult, but important, perspective to achieve. Once accomplished, however, an entire new world of hope and a vista of possibilities open up, so that it is worth the struggle required in making the paradigm shift.

As icing on the cake, once a person has yielded to the risks of getting involved in the recovery community and has begun the recovery work, typically an entire new sense of connection, and a before unimaginable intimacy develops, which is deeply fulfilling and does much to rout the old addictions. How much more true this is for the individual coming from an SSA focus. To find such acceptance and connection with people of the same gender truly is like being born again!

Joyce McKay (M.Ed., Ed.S., CSAT-S, NCC, LPC) works with Covenant Counseling and Education Center as a private practice mental health therapist.  She also has taught Master’s and Ed.S counseling students at UAB.

Joyce holds two Bachelor’s degrees, one in Occupational Therapy (which allows her the benefit of viewing clients from a holistic perspective) and the other in Spanish, and a Master’s degree in Counseling.  After her Master’s degree she earned an Education.S in Counselor Education from The University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa, and has completed 6 years post master’s course work.

Joyce has done formal counseling since 1979 and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors(NCC).  She is also a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT) and has been a certified group psychotherapist (CGP).  She has extensive experience in working with sexual abuse and sexual addictions issues, gender identity issues, grief issues, depression, and personality disorders- particularly borderline personality.  Past Board Member – Alabama Board of Examiners in Counseling (5-1/2 years).

If you would like to contact Joyce, please email her at joyce@lifefromdecay.com.

© jmckay for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Authentic Community, Celebrate Recovery, CSAT, Joyce McKay, Recovery, recovery groups, Route1520 Groups, Same Sex Attraction, SSA

We are pleased to once again welcome Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Becky Whitson to the Route1520 blog! Becky and her husband, Jim, have been ministering to couples who have been touched by sex addiction for years and we are excited to have her share her personal and professional wisdom with spouses who are grasping for answers in the middle of the chaos. Becky’s contact information is listed at the end of this post.

Disclosure reminds me of the myth of the Phoenix.  The Phoenix is a bird that builds its nest, then bursts into flames, collapses into ashes, and then is reborn from the ashes, a new creature.  Disclosure is tortuous, but necessary.  The old relationship crashes and burns so that a new, healthy spiritual relationship can be born from the ashes.

No one would walk into the fire unless he thought it would be absolutely necessary to his healing.  Research indicates that full disclosure is a cornerstone for healing to take place for the addict, the spouse, and the relationship.

For the addict, getting everything out in the open is critical to healing.  A saying from AA is “we’re only as sick as our secrets.”  Keeping a secret allows a seed to remain from which the addiction can sprout again.  For the addict, disclosure brings relief, an end to denial and secrecy, and the doorway to recovery.  It is like carrying a heavy load and finally being able to get rid of it.  Along with the good, the addict experiences great shame at what he has done and caused; it is like looking death in the face, for it risks the end of the relationship. The immediate results of disclosure are different for addicts than for spouses.

For the spouse, disclosure does not bring relief, but great pain. It is like she is behind a dump truck and thousands of pounds of concrete are being dumped on top of her.  She is stunned, shocked, hurt, and angry.  She feels as if she doesn’t know the person who has chosen to hit her with this load.  She is left to wonder how someone to whom she has given her life can treat her with such carelessness and disrespect.  She doesn’t think she can get over such a huge betrayal.  She most often experiences symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—numbness, intrusive images, shakiness, nausea, shifting moods, inability to concentrate or to sleep.  Yet, along with the bad comes good. Most often, she has been taught by the addict to deny her own reality, to feel crazy.  Disclosure allows her to make sense of her past, confirm her suspicions, validate her own reality, and become empowered to take care of herself.  Through the pain of the process, she is reborn a more solid individual.

The best way for disclosure to take place is to plan for it.  Couples often come to therapy with the betrayed knowing some, but not all.  It is important to work with each person independently to identify the parts of disclosure needed for healing and not harm.  The betrayed normally wants to “know it all.”  Knowing the details of the acting out is not in the best interest of the spouse.  The partner who has all the details in her head may obsess over them, causing herself great pain.  She makes “a bed in her head” for all the images, and they intrude as they wish, unbidden.  Knowledge seems as if it will provide control, but there is no way for her to control the acting out of the addict.  That is his job, and he must take charge of it.  The spouse is assisted in developing guidelines about what she wants to know.  She is encouraged to write down questions and information that she needs. The therapist works with her to make sure she has someone to turn to after the disclosure.  She needs an appointment set up with the therapist to process the painful feelings and she needs to have a support system in place.

The addict is strongly encouraged to provide a full disclosure early on.  When disclosure is not complete, eventually the details come out.  When this happens, it totally destroys any trust that has been created.  It is like starting all over.  The more time that passes before disclosure, the more trauma it creates.  It is best, once therapy is started, to do a full disclosure with a month or two.  The addict needs to remember that statistically, over half of the partners threaten to divorce, but in actuality fewer than a quarter of that number actually do.

To do a full, formal disclosure that will provide healing, the addict follows a protocol set out by a CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist).  Beforehand, the addict does a timeline of his acting out behaviors.  It is important that he take full responsibility for his acting out and does not blame anyone else.  In the timeline, he includes the sexual activity; for example, strip clubs, oral sex, intercourse, phone sex, etc.  Details of the sexual acts are omitted.  He also includes an estimate of the amount of money he spent.  He estimates the amount of time he spent on looking for, acting out, and recovering from his behavior.  An important part of disclosure is admitting how he has been dishonest, how he manipulated and used his partner.  He acknowledges making her feel crazy and making her feel she was to blame.  If he has been dishonest about taking money for himself and letting the family do without, if he has put his job at risk, or if he has put the children at risk, he acknowledges this also.  If he has been abusive with anger or words, he admits that and takes responsibility.  He takes responsibility for how his emotions, words, and actions have affected others.  If he has acted out with someone the spouse knows and would be associating with, he acknowledges that.  At the end of disclosure, he states that only he is responsible for his behavior, and that he is sorry for how his actions have affected his family.  Before this disclosure is read to the spouse, he should go over this disclosure with the therapist to make sure he is using language to show that he is taking responsibility and that he is not minimizing the acting out.  After he reads his disclosure, the spouse is asked if she has any questions, or if she would like to wait for another session so that she can get over the shock, process this, and ask questions later.

The key to the success of this process is the addict’s ability to take full responsibility for his behavior, acknowledge the partner has every right to be angry, and say he is wrong and that he is sorry.

Becky Whitson is a Licensed Professional Counselor with an extensive background in education and training. Prior to joining Covenant Counseling & Education Center, Becky worked as a career consultant and presenter. She holds an Ed.S. in Education and a Master’s Degree in counseling. Additionally, she is a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT). Her counseling interests include depression, anxiety, infidelity, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, trauma treatment and personal growth.

She is a level ll EMDR therapist. EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is used in treating trauma, phobias and self-defeating behaviors. EMDR uses back and forth eye movements similar to those occurring naturally in REM sleep. It appears to take advantage of a natural healing process of the brain. Research studies have consistently shown positive results.

If you would like to contact Becky, please email her at beckywhitson@yahoo.com.

© bwhitson for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Betrayal, Disclosure, Rebuilding Trust

We are pleased to welcome Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Becky Whitson to the Route1520 blog! Becky and her husband, Jim, have been ministering to couples who have been touched by sex addiction for years and we are excited to have her share her personal and professional wisdom with spouses who are grasping for answers in the middle of the chaos. Becky’s contact information is listed at the end of this post.

(For the sake of brevity, I’m using husband/he throughout this post; however, women are sex addicts as well.)

The day you found out your husband was lying to you about his sexual infidelity (virtual or real) felt like the rug of the world had been pulled out from under you, and you were in a free fall. You knew something was wrong, but now your worst nightmare has been confirmed. The man you thought you married has turned into someone that you don’t know, that you can’t trust. Where do you go from here with no one to turn to, struggling with a weight of about 2,000 pounds in the pit of your stomach? Is life even worth living?

Through the process of God’s timing, the darkness of night turns into the light of day. When you put yourself into the process of recovery, with God’s help, the darkness you are experiencing now will turn into a light that you can only hope for at this time. Other people who have experienced this hope restored will be of great benefit in your journey.

Here is an outline of the recovery process:

1. Get to a therapist who understands sexual addiction as soon as possible.
   Even if your husband isn’t a sex addict, a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) will know the difference and will be able to help you with the issues. These are things this person will tell you:
   
   Your husband’s acting out is not your fault.You didn’t cause it, and you can’t fix it.

   Even though you want to know all the details immediately, it is better to wait a few weeks in order to get a full disclosure with the aid of a therapist. You need the support, and your husband needs to work on the benefits of disclosing everything—not just what he thinks you know. When full disclosure is not done all at one time, you are traumatized each time something leaks out. Addicts usually don’t want to tell everything because of their own shame and fear that you will leave if you know it all; however, a CSAT will educate the addict on the necessity for you and for him. You will get all the major parts—ways in which the addict acted out, names if you know any of the people, amount of money spent, and ways in which he manipulated or lied to you. It is not in your best interest to ask for the gory details. They burn themselves into your brain, and it is almost impossible to get rid of them. They make a “bed in your head” and attack you without your permission or desire. You set yourself up for an issue much like the addict’s—the thoughts hi-jack your brain and take over.

   Taking the focus off the addict and turning to your own self-care is the absolute best way to deal with this situation. Explore the boundaries you need to set for yourself in order to feel safe and have some predictability in your life. Establish some “non-negotiables”. Be clear about what you can and cannot accept in your relationship. Some examples might be no sex outside of the marriage, no pornography, no masturbation, no contact with former lovers. Think about consequences if your partner violates the boundaries. Limits you set with your partner may not be received with happiness; however, they are important for your recovery. He may tell you that you are trying to control him. There is a difference between controlling the other person and determining what you need to feel safe. You can decide what you are willing to put up with in a relationship.

   Many women do not want to have sex with the partner who has betrayed them; however, they are afraid if they don’t, then that person will be more likely to act out. The wife often becomes hyper-sexual in an unconscious effort to control the addict. This coping mechanism never works. The issue is not about the amount or quality of sex. It is an intimacy/attachment disorder and must be worked on from the inside out by the addict.The best thing you can do is decide what YOU need, not what is good for the addict. Take the focus off him and turn it to yourself.

   The goal is for you to speak up about what you need in order to feel safe and protect yourself. You have been traumatized because life as you know it has been destroyed. You need to identify ways in which you can feel as safe as possible in order to recover from the devastation that you’ve experienced. Finding out about infidelity is like a head-on collision with an eighteen wheeler. Everything in you has been crushed. You will  need to treat yourself with your own personal ICU. In as many ways as possible, ask yourself, “How does this feel to me?” If you trust your deep inner knowing, you will be able to take care of yourself and work through this, with or without your husband.

2. Allow yourself to grieve.
   Grief is essential to healing. Compare this trauma to a physical wound. The trauma creates infection as the feelings fester. You have to open the wound, clean out the infection, expose it to light in order for it to heal. The same takes place emotionally. You can’t just close up all the pain. You have to intentionally go in and dig it out. This is excruciatingly painful as you let go of the dream of your relationship. A simple way to grieve is to write down the dream you had of how your marriage would be. What would your husband be like? How would he treat you? Go into as much detail as possible. Then, write down what is going on now. Based on what you’ve learned, who is this person? What are his characteristics? Working with this Dream vs Reality exercise will enable you to let go of the dream so that God can bring something new out of the ashes.
3. Go to a support group.
   As soon as possible, go to a support group such as the Route1520 Support Groups for Spouses. Other women who have gone through the same thing will be there, will understand the devastation you are feeling, and will be able to walk with you along this healing journey. As one person said, “They just get it.”

COMMON QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS

1.  How did this happen?
   This problem started long before you came into the picture. Your husband had an issue with intimacy and attachment before he ever met you; however, some of the coping mechanisms you’ve learned have meshed right in with the intimacy issues he faces.
2. Why do I have to do the work and my life be disrupted?
   Getting into therapy and recovery for yourself will help you see and correct your own unhealthy ways of coping. Some of these which are common are: shouldering too much responsibility for the family (managing children, household, finances); making excuses when the other person didn’t fulfill his responsibilities; tolerating unwanted behavior, sexual advances, or attitudes; being willing to put up with too little for yourself.Your own recovery will empower YOU to be the best you can be, regardless of the person you are with.
3. What do we tell the children?
   What is disclosed to children depends on the age. Both people need to work with a therapist in order to be strong enough to deal with disclosure. There are guidelines for disclosing which provide safety (not secrecy) for everyone involved.
4. Will I ever be able to trust him again, or will I always live in fear?
   Trust is like a house. Once it’s destroyed, it takes a long time to build it back. The willingness of the addict to do “whatever it takes” lays the groundwork. As you see your partner fulfilling that promise, trust builds. Trust is a process of watching consistency in your partner. Trust is enhanced when the addict is patient and responds with reassuring, understanding actions and words when you are having difficulty trusting.Another aspect of building trust is accountability. The addict must be willing to be open about bank accounts, cell phones, emails, voice mails, etc. in order for trust to be restored; however, wives should be careful not to go into detective mode and create more stress for themselves by constantly checking. Remember—the focus stays on you.
5. Can I ever forgive him?
   Forgiveness is possible, but it is also a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. When the partner is willing to be consistent and understanding over a period of time, and the wife is willing to forgive, God designs it. Spring’s book How Can I Forgive You? provides a plan for both parties. Your forgiveness depends to a great degree on your willingness to grieve the loss, set boundaries, and live truthfully from the inside out. “Let your yes be yes and your no, no.” When you can trust yourself to set boundaries, identifying what you need and what you will live with, forgiveness occurs as part of the growth process. Forgiveness takes time. It takes years for a wound so deep to be healed.
6. Will sex ever be the same?
   Hopefully not! Couples can learn a healthier way to be sexual. The skills of real intimacy need to be learned and implemented in order for sex to be what God intended. Sex can be mutual and loving.

Finding out about the betrayal is devastating. Once you’ve walked through the darkest night of your soul, joy does come in the morning. Grief and pain carve out a container for your joy. Peace that passes understanding comes as a part of this journey.

My husband and I are 20 years down this journey. We continue to grow individually and in relationship with each other. 20 years ago, I could never have imagined we would be where we are today. As a result of my own experience in recovery, I became a sexual addiction therapist in order to share the hope of recovery.

Blessings and grace to you,

Becky Whitson, MA, Ed.S.,CSAT, NCC

Becky Whitson is a Licensed Professional Counselor with an extensive background in education and training.   Prior to joining Covenant Counseling & Education Center, Becky worked as a career consultant and presenter.  She holds an Ed.S. in Education and a Master’s Degree in counseling.  Additionally, she is a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT).  Her counseling interests include depression, anxiety, infidelity, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, trauma treatment and personal growth.

She is a level ll EMDR therapist.  EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is used in treating trauma, phobias and self-defeating behaviors.  EMDR uses back and forth eye movements similar to those occurring naturally in REM sleep.  It appears to take advantage of a natural healing process of the brain.  Research studies have consistently shown positive results.

If you would like to contact Becky, please email her at beckywhitson@yahoo.com. 

© bwhitson for Route1520, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Becky Whitson, Co-Dependency Recovery, Covenant Counseling, My Husband is a Sex Addict, Recovery, Surviving an affair