Others around me communicated their disapproval to the mom and staff nonverbally with eye rolling, huffs, puffs, shaking heads and folding of arms. To their credit it was not your “typical day at the salon.” As most 7 year olds have adjusted to the haircut experience, I was certain the child had developmental delays. I looked directly at the mom, smiled and said loud enough for everyone to hear “It’s OK, he’s just afraid he’ll walk out of here looking like me (bald)! She laughed as she fought back tears of relief that someone noticed and eased her shame.

Not every parent has a special needs child. But we’ve all experienced parental shame—times when we feel like a horrible parent. This feeling is deflating and disempowering—buying into it leads us to feel helpless and resigned. This is not good for the parent or the child. When you feel discouraged as a parent, remember:

“Parent” is not synonymous with “Perfect”. Of course you’re going to make mistakes, even some biggies. No one expects you to be perfect (except you)—even your child. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and course correct.

No one has it all together. Not even the experts. Every family has “issues.” Looks can be deceiving. Just because people don’t talk about their parenting foibles doesn’t mean they aren’t happening. They are. To everyone. Trust me.

Good Parents raise Good Kids Who Still Make Poor Choices. One of the great mysteries of Christianity is God’s audacity to give us a free will. That doesn’t start at adulthood—it is in us from the beginning. Young people make decisions for a variety of reasons many of which have little or nothing to do with you.

When Kids Feel Your Love for Them, They are Resilient to a Multitude of Parenting Mistakes. When young people know we love them, through spending time with them, involvement in their interests, setting healthy boundaries, keeping tabs on their whereabouts, specific verbal affirmation of who they are and are becoming in addition to their accomplishments, they aren’t ruined by a bad incident once in a while.

Doing something your parents did, which you vowed never to do, does not mean your child’s experience of that is like yours was. Just because your dad worked a lot and you felt cheated by not having enough time with him, does not mean that your hectic work schedule will contribute to your child feeling cheated. How do you spend your time not at work?

Read good books and blogs. Read old stuff as there is wisdom out there that is never dated. Read current blogs to stay abreast of youth culture trends, behaviors and interests. Audio books are a great source of information as well.  One book I’m reading now which I love is by Bill Doherty called Take Back Your Kids. Very counter cultural, well written and helpful. Another great book by Dr. Bob McCarty is  Raising Happy Holy Healthy Teenagers. 

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…let them have an iPhone.

…lets them drink.

…lets them stay out till ____.

…is letting them go to ___ party.

…lets them drive their own car.

…knows their kids smoke and don’t mind. …are so much cooler than you (guys).

…lets them keep their phone all night.

…do not read their kids’ text messages.

… (Fill in the blank) _____.

You’ve heard it all before and can no doubt add your own. Many parents believe this classic manipulative line by their (pre)teen. And to their credit, teens believe its true. That is their perception. But their perception does not have to be your reality.  Many parents make decisions which are often at odds with a cultural that is becoming more accessible, available and permissive.

Here are some facts and solid adolescent psychology/spirituality on which you can base your decisions:

• Teens, especially pre-teens, do not have the ego strength to handle the frequency, intensity and quantity of interaction that smartphones afford them.
• Teens do not always know whats best for them.
• Most teens cannot resist returning communication to their friends regardless of the hour.
• Unfettered access to technology, especially mobile technology is contributing to the fragmentation of the teen personality and soul. This looks like the following that is off the normal developmental spectrum, changing friend groups, depression, anxiety, obsessiveness with being liked, narcissistic tendencies and apathy.
• Our personalities and souls integrate (become whole—mature) during down times, silent times and times of reflection. Most teens today have very little, if any time to reflect.
• The obesity rates in America are skyrocketing while teens are becoming less active and many wonder if there’s any connection between the two…hmmm…when bored or have nothing to do, teens will opt for technology. Even youth who would normally prefer to be outdoors and be active will opt for texting, gaming, chatting and surfing if available to them.
• The dangers your parents had to protect you from were more obvious than the dangers you must protect your child from and therefore it is likely that you are having to work harder, longer and smarter at parenting than your parent(s) did. Add to that, in general, there are twice as many kids being raised in single parent homes today than when your were a child and it becomes even more difficult.

A Few Words of Hope…

I work with pre(teens) every day, all day–and I often here those same teens who say the above to you, tell me:

“You know Mr. ‘Pedophile’, I’m glad my parents took my phone away…it gave me a chance to sleep. PLEASE don’t tell them I told you that.”

“My friends asked me once ‘Why won’t your parents let you come out with us?’ and I said “UHHH…. Because they LOVE me! Duh… Now I ain’t gonna tell my mom that, Roy, but I KNOW it.”

“I do want a relationship with my parents. I do want to spend time with them. But we’re all so busy. I wish we could just get away and talk to each other…focus on each other and not what we do wrong.”

“…every night we sit at the table and my dad forces us to say one thing—and trust me its specific!-that we’re grateful for each day. It drives me f__’n crazy…but you know as I look back on it (today at 17) its now the thing in my day I look forward to the most. I can’t wait to do that with my kids.”

Your teen is not going to like you today for your vigilant parenting. But the price you pay today, being willing for them to not like you, will earn you their respect and continued love when they are adults. And it will help them to parent their children.

Trust your gut. Pray for your children. Pray for God’s grace in to sustain you in your parenting. I’m praying for you as well! (please do the same for me! My son wants to shoot the Holy Spirit so you know I’ve got my hands full!)

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Max: “Daddy! You see dat bird up there???” (pointing at the mural behind the altar)
Me: “Yeah buddy, that’s the Holy Spirit”
Max: “Uh…dad…It’s a BIRD.”
Me: “Yeah, but that’s–”
Max: “Daddy. You told me dove’s are good eatin.”
Me: “Yes, I did. But that’s a specia–”
Max: ” Well, If I would have been there, I’d a shot dat bird.”

At least he’s paying attention…

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Many teens and young adults don’t (want to) see themselves as an angry or sad person and use the words “aggravating” and “stupid” to convey those emotions. Instead of asking teens “What are you angry/sad about?” Ask “Whats the most aggravating thing about your life right now?” “What’s the most aggravating thing about your parents?” “What’s the stupidest thing going on in the world right now?”

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“Our relatedness brings us into reality, provided we are open to it. For instance, we prefer to avoid those people who annoy us, upset us, rub us the wrong way, push our buttons. Yet these are precisely the people who can help us to grow. Our reaction to them exposes the egoism we try to hide, the fear we suppress, the spite we pretend isn’t there. Let’s ask ourselves, ‘Who is the person I most hate to be around?’ We need that very person in order to be real.Relationships show us what’s truly happening in our life, if we have the courage to face it. They reveal this separate, unreal self of ours who wants to isolate us from the rest of the human race…. If we come to church on Sunday with the notion, ‘I’m here to be alone with God, I’m here to do my private devotion,’ we’re living in a dream world. There is no such thing as a solitary Christian.” 

~Terance Grant    The Silence of Unknowing

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Know Where People are Hurting

Its not enough to “know your audience.” You must know their pain and their fears. Then, use your gifts, knowledge and experience to help them. “Helping” does not mean pointing out to them how “wrong” they are or how they’re “not getting it done.” People know that. They want help—tools, tips, strategies, insight that will make their lives easier.

When you are gentle and compassionate people allow you into their pain

Oz understands something that many Christians would do well to comprehend: The body is holding ground for shame and it is the source of shame for many others.
frequently addresses issues that tend to hold and hide shame: obesity, sexual dysfunction, mental health issues and even toe fungus. How willing would you be to discuss these things on national television? Exactly. But Oz has people lining up to talk with him, in front of the cameras because they sense him as a safe place. His gentleness and compassion escalate in proportion to the potential embarassment of the topic.

Go big or go home

Use whatever tools necessary to communicate your message: bouncy balls, catscans, styrophoam, digital projectors or live animals. If you’re message is as important as you say it is, why wouldn’t you use anything and everything at your disposal to communicate it effectively?

Know Your Stuff

The internet has made it possible for anyone with an opinion to claim expertise. Oz shows the value of deep knowledge. He continues to lecture widely in his field, conduct his own research, fund research, write in professional journals and…wait for it…practice cardio-thoracic surgery. He’s no self help talking head. He is a master surgeon respected highly by his peers who uses his deep knowledge to help others.

People want to be their own expert

As a counselor, people pay me for my expertise, but they don’t want me to be the expert. (read that again-its important). People want to be the expert on their own lives. They need our expertise but want us to use it to help them discover their own answers—which are the only ones that last.

Make Your Message Easy for People to Understand

When it comes to taking complex issues and simplifying them for ordinary people (like me) to understand, Oz has no equal (except maybe Alton Brown, who my wife has a nerd crush on). Use as little “jargon” as possible and ask someone else not in your field “How difficult is this to understand.” And listen to them.

Audience involvement is golden

Audience participation is good. But involving your audience is priceless. This not only benefits the person involved but allows everyone else to see themselves working alongside Oz vicariously through the other. This lends credibility to the message and increases the likelihood that audience members will make a change to improve their health.

Dress the part

Somedays Dr. Oz where’s his white lab coat, other days his scrubs, and yet other days he looks like a regular talk show in a sports coat and tie. Its easier to trust someone with your health when they look like a surgeon.

Walk the Talk

“Dr. Oz” wouldn’t work if he were sluggish, overweight and miserable. He understands he is the message. On a show about maintaining healthy levels of antioxidants, before screening audience members, he took it first so that his audience knew that he eats and drinks what he’s recommending to them.

Big Problems, like Big Trees, have a Complex Root System

Oz hosted many episodes on obesity without being redundant because he addressed a different aspect each time each from a different angle. When you understand where and why people are hurting, go deep—ride each one of those roots all the way down.

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