In the second installment of a three-part series on teens and trauma, Roy focuses on the variety of ways that trauma affects the adolescent brain.

In this third of a three – part series of micro episodes, Roy offers strategies and insights that will help you to discuss the importance of setting and respecting boundaries with teens.

What can adults do to help teens set and respect boundaries? 

Model healthy boundaries. In which relationships are your boundaries in need of work? Teens are highly imitative, so even when we are not aware of it, they’re watching and learning from us, what to do and what not to do and how to do both. 

Talk about boundaries, what they are and why they’re important. Do this in frequent micro conversations. Highlight examples from your own life when you’ve had to set boundaries. Talk to your teen about times in your life when you wish you had set better boundaries, recognized others boundaries and showed more respect for others boundaries. 

Capture when they set boundaries or when others set boundaries with them. For parents, this will most often happen at home, within the family. Families are constantly setting, adjusting and respecting one another’s boundaries. “Capturing” is making it a point to name and affirm what someone is doing in the moment they are doing it. “You may not realize it, but you just set a healthy boundary with your sister by asking her to ask you before she borrows something from your closet. Good job.” 

Show them and teach them in the moment when you’re setting a boundary with them. “This is a boundary issue. You are not allowed to come in after 11pm, that is your curfew. And your consequence for not respecting this boundary is____.”  Another example “This is a boundary issue. I will not accept you speaking to me in that tone of voice, and I request that your respect that boundary. If you don’t feel like I respect this boundary in the same way for you, let’s discuss that at another time.”  

Point out the Boundaries of Other People. As teens’ non-verbal interpretation skills are waning, due to increased technological use, it’s more important that we “capture” when others are setting boundaries so that our teens know what it looks like when someone sets a boundary. An example might be, “Do you see how that person is backing up slightly and the person they’re talking to continues to advance. The one backing up, is trying to set a physical boundary that the other person is not noticing or not respecting. When people begin moving away when you are talking to them, it’s because they don’t want to be that close to you, or they are signaling they are ready to end the conversation. Do you notice that when you’re talking to other people?”  

Teach them the language of setting boundaries. Some possible ways of doing this are “When you ____ I feel ____.”, “I need your help with something. I care about you, I really do, but I also care about school. I’m having trouble balancing both, can we talk about that. (or) can we limit our Facetiming to 30 at night so I can get some homework done?” “I don’t like it when you _______.” “Im asking you to stop________.” “I cannot accept it when you ________.” We can also help them understand how to use escalating language when requested boundaries are not respected.  You may start with “When you _____ I feel.” but if that’s not respected, you can go to, “I know I’ve asked you this already, and maybe I wasn’t clear, but I’d really need you to ______.” “Is there something about my not wanting you to ______ that’s not clear. What can I do to make it clear to you that ________.” “If you don’t stop ______, I’m not sure we can continue our relationship.” 

Why is teaching teens “boundaries” so hard? 

Because teens are human beings, not robots. Some learn faster than others, some have a natural proclivity to see where boundaries are and should be. Some teens are more naturally assertive and some are passive. There’s no one right way to set and respect boundaries, but there are some wrong ways. And usually we find out the wrong ways when it’s too late.

Boundaries are inherently nuanced. And teens are incredibly nuanced, their not always best at appreciating that nuance in others. You’re essentially saying to the person, yes, but no. That’s a nuanced position. This is very difficult for an insecure adolescent who’s dualistic brain craves simplicity and either/or thinking. Well you either like me and let me treat you the way I want to treat you or then you don’t like me and we’re not friends. 

Insecurity from strong competing needs to be included and stand out at the same time. (Another nuanced position- but one that is intrinsic to the human person and is especially heightened during the teen years). Anxiety about life and about friends causes teens to fear acceptance

Poor modeling. If you had poor modeling of boundaries in your life, or if you as a parent or other influential adult are modeling for the teen unhealthy boundaries, then its not a mystery why this teen is struggling as well. 

Learn through experience and teens have less life experience to draw from. For most people it takes a lifetime of not setting them poorly, not setting them at all and setting them too firmly. Setting boundaries is not a skill. It is a skill set that teens are often trying to assimilate. It takes listening, rational judgement, pattern interpretation and proper assertiveness levels. 3. They’re relating more poorly overall b/c of a decreasing proficiency at social skills.

In this first of a three – part series of micro episodes, Roy defines and explores what the term “boundaries” means for relationships and its importance to adolescent growth.

Teaching Teens Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries. Hmph. If there’s more popular self help buzzword out there, I’d be hard pressed to find it. Why all the hype about it from shrinks, teachers and self help gurus? And why are they so important for teens? 

Boundaries are important because relationships are important. Without physical and emotional boundaries, there is the potential for abuse, including but not limited to physical and emotional abuse. 

Boundaries give you a sense of control in your life. While there are many things in life we cannot control, setting boundaries with other teens and adults is an essential part of feeling “in control” of  your life. Essentially, boundaries say, this is where you (your opinion, your wishes for me, your desires for me and/or our friendship, your need to control things including me) ends and this is where I begin. I get a “vote” in how I’m treated and how we relate to one another. 

Boundaries are the cornerstone of respect. You will struggle to show respect to other people if you are not aware of their boundaries. To show respect, is to acknowledge that this other person, their thoughts, behaviors, desires and feelings are not at your complete disposal. When we learn how to respect others boundaries, we learn how to be civil in an increasingly uncivilized world. 

Noticing and respecting boundaries are essential social skills. We are social beings, and as such it is incumbent upon us to learn how to share the space in which we live with others. Teens today are increasingly struggling with social skills. Their proficiency with screens has left them lagging behind in “people” skills, social skills, which are essential to one’s ability to get along with others and in turn experience happiness. 

It gives them a sense of responsibility. With younger kids we, adults, mostly parents, teachers and coaches set boundaries for them. We supervise much of their interactions because younger kids don’t know how to set boundaries, often as adults we must do it for them. As kids grow into teens, our message to them is, “it’s time for  you to begin taking responsibility over how you treat others and how you allow others to treat you.”

Dr. Joshua Couvillon is a licensed Chiropractor in Texas and Louisiana. He currently practices in Lafayette, Louisiana at Clark Integrated Medical Clinics. Josh holds degrees in Biology, chemistry, human biology, and Chiropractic. He received 2 bachelors degrees from university of Louisiana in the fields of biology and chemistry. He also holds a bachelors degree in human biology and a Doctorate in chiropractic which he received from Texas Chiropractic College. Josh is a chiropractor who works with neurological and mechanical problems as it pertains to human movement. Josh has worked with many professional athletes in restructuring movement patterns and correcting improper bio-mechanics.

Clark Integrated Medical Clinics clarkintegrated.com 337-232-3353 130 Rue Beauregard suite a, Lafayette, LA 70508

Email drjosh@clarkintegrated.com instagram @dr_couv

In this episode, Roy explores the psychological and emotional dynamics of teen romantic relationships and offers strategies for discussing them with young people.