In Donald Miller’s early years, he was vaguely familiar with a distant God. But when he came to know Jesus Christ, he pursued the Christian life with great zeal. Within a few years he had a successful ministry that ultimately left him feeling empty, burned out, and, once again, far away from God. In this intimate, soul-searching account, Miller describes his remarkable journey back to a culturally relevant, infinitely loving God. You can follow his blog here.

This video will help you get to know him a little better.

In case you haven’t heard, the book has been made into a movie. The book has been made into a movie by director Steve Taylor. On his blog September 2010, Donald Miller stated that despite a strong screenplay, a stellar cast, and rave reviews, the project was put on hold indefinitely due to lack of funding. Two fans created a site called “Save Blue Like Jazz” where they urged fans to help raise money to fund the movie through a website called Kickstarter. This campaign raised over $340,000, more than doubling the original goal of $125,000 by October 25th, 2010.

The movie won’t show until April 13, 2012, but I got to attend a prescreening last night. I even got to meet Donald Miller.

The movie received a standing ovation but let me caution you, this is not your run of the mill Christian movie The term Christian film has become synonymous with substandard production values, stilted dialogue and childish plots. Blue Like Jazz is raw, it’s edgy. There is language and all sorts of offensive behavior. But that’s the whole point. The world is edgy and messy and raw and sacrilegious. God is here anyway.

I think this movie will appeal to both Christians and non-Chrisitan because it is not pushy or sanctimonious. In fact, when I asked the girl standing in line with me if she was Christian she told me she was Hindu.

I hope you’ll put it on your calendar. One day only: April 13, 2012.

“I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn’t resolve. I used to not like God because God didn’t resolve. But that was before any of this happened.” ―Donald Miller

For anyone wondering if the Christian faith is still relevant in a postmodern culture.

For anyone thirsting for a genuine encounter with a God who is real.

His challenge felt like someone questioning me as to why I wouldn’t accept a Polio vaccine made by a scientist. It just didn’t make sense to me. If we can’t use information that doesn’t come strictly from the Bible, none of us could exist. We couldn’t bake bread because the recipe doesn’t come from the Bible. We couldn’t do mathematic equations because the Word doesn’t show us how. I thought this was craziness and I truly was shocked that I even had to consider this question.

But my professor was right: Within a week’s time, I noticed certain Christian friends asking me why I would study psychology. Their tone and choice of words let me know that they were displeased.

I had gone into the field of Counseling in order to help other people. I really didn’t think I had many issues to work out. The blessing was that I literally unraveled emotionally while in school. I had always been a nervous and emotional person, but I thought that was just how I was made. As I learned family dynamics and examined psychological issues, I began to see the wounds I had incurred while growing up. Now I had no choice, I had to work through through these issues in my own counseling process. I could go into great detail here, and I hope to at a later date, but suffice it to say by the time I left the program I was no longer the depressed, anxious or insecure person I had been three years prior.

If you google “Psychology and Christianity” you will encounter a maelstrom of web sites devoted to this issue. Some support the combination of Christianity and psychology, but many are vehemently opposed. Thirteen years after I made a personal commitment to Christ, I was stuck in shame and low self-esteem. Being a Christian that long, and understanding God’s grace but not being able to apply it to your life, causes you to feel more shame.

But after I examined some things with the help of a counselor, I forgave myself and understood better how situations had impacted me. As St. Augustine said, “all Truth is God’s Truth” — note the capital T — but we can still use small “t” truths to help us. No field of study has the absolute truth, but we as humans, making our way through a world which is filled with suffering,  need to rely on resources in addition to the Bible.

I feel that psychology, and the help of some very compassionate Christian people, healed me: My faith is stronger than ever.  I hurt for Christians who have emotional wounds, and or medical issues, which could be helped by what psychology (and medicine) has to offer. They stay stuck in a silent hell because they have been told psychology comes from the devil.

What do you think?

*This post was originally posted 12/09/07

“Trauma may be defined as experience unable to be processed and integrated.”

-Leading PTSD expert Bessel van der Kolk

The same upsetting event may be experienced differently by people and may be stored in people’s brains in a unique manner. Anything can be traumatizing — even minor events such as being teased on the playground — depending on how the event is experience and internalized.

No one knows how any form of psychotherapy works neurobiologically – or in the brain. However, we do know that when a person is very upset, the brain cannot process information as it does ordinarily. One moment becomes “frozen in time,” and remembering a trauma may feel as bad as going through it the first time because the images, sounds, smells, and feelings haven’t changed. Such memories have a lasting negative effect that interferes with the way a person sees the world and the way he relates to other people.

EMDR seems to have a direct effect on the way that the brain processes information. Following a successful EMDR session, a person no longer re-lives the images, sounds, and feelings when the event is brought to mind; He still remembers what happened, but it is less upsetting. EMDR appears to be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.

I first heard about this treatment a dozen years ago and actually had a counselor use it with me after a German shepherd attacked me. Even after I experienced EMDR, I was still skeptical because it was such a novel type of therapy. I spent several years in my graduate program reading the trauma literature. I am fascinated with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (think combat vets, domestic violence, and childhood abuse victims who all share the similar cluster of symptoms of Hypervigilance, Arousal, and Re-experiencing).

I am now convinced that EMDR is a very helpful tool for many individuals. It has been approved by the APA (American Psychiatric Association) and has been researched for its efficacy in many clinical studies. It has been used successfully on millions of people from all parts of the world, and our United States military has recently spent money training their mental health clinicians to do this type of therapy.

*I have gone through a very intensive and stringent six full days of training in EMDR and I am Level II certified. I am excited to offer this as a potential tool to help you overcome some of the painful negative emotion that may be associated with your trauma.

**This post originally posted 12/09/07

There’s a really simple but fascinating book called Attachments by Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy. It can help you figure out how and why you relate to others, as an adult, based on how you were treated as a child:

Secure Attachment Style

Self Dimension
I am worthy of love
I am capable of getting the love and support I need

Other Dimension
Others are willing and able to love me

Ambivalent Attachment Style

Self Dimension
I am not worthy of love
I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy

Other Dimension
Others are capable of meeting my needs but might not do so because of my flaws
Others are trustworthy and reliable but might abandon me because of my worthlessness

Avoidant Attachment Style

Self Dimension
I am worthy of love
I am capable of getting the love and support I need

Other Dimension
Others are either unwilling to love me or incapable of loving me
Others are not trustworthy; they are unreliable when it comes to meeting my needs.

Disorganized Attachment Style

Self Dimension
I am not worthy of love
I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy

Other Dimension
Others are unable to meet my needs
Others are not trustworthy or reliable
Others are abusive, and I deserve it

*ORIGINALLY POSTED 12/09/07

Harvard Medical School researchers studied longevity (what makes people live longer) and found one of the most important contributing factors was daily flossing!

Flossing removes bacteria from the teeth and gums —  the same plaque that is absorbed into the blood stream causing clogged arteries and veins.

Most of us know that flossing helps prevent periodontal disease and gingivitis, but one study found that men with periodontitis had a whopping 72% greater risk of developing coronary disease. And gingivitis was associated with a 42% increased risk for men.

I was one of those people who was always too tired to floss. After performing my nightly routine of taking off makeup, putting on moisturizers, and brushing my teeth, I was always too weary for one more task.

My dental hygienist said I should keep dental floss on my coffee table and floss while I was watching TV. That made all the difference.

The combination of medical information and finding a convenient time has turned me into a habitual flosser.

How about you? Do you floss?

*This is a blog post I wrote two years ago.

In Ecclesiastes 7:16, the wisest man in the Bible – Solomon — is contrasting the topics of wisdom and folly. He includes one tiny little verse that I never noticed before:

Do not be over-righteous, neither be over-wise— why destroy yourself? (NIV)

This morning I was criticizing someone whom I thought was being “overly-wise” – someone whom I think acts religious but doesn’t always show love.

As I was pointing my bony finger and making my case in front of my children, they pointed out how I was doing the very thing I was accusing this other person of.

I struggled to understand what my kids were talking about but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see it.

It’s typical for me to try harder and harder to prove my case when people don’t understand me.

Around and around we went.  To me it was clear.

Exasperated my husband walked out the door and said facetiously, “Bye hon, love you.” I waved him off and continued to argue my side.

Both of my kids raised their voices, and accused me of being hard-hearted. Eventually I gave up. I could feel the pain and loneliness swell up inside of me.

“Why can’t they see?”

I grabbed my cup of coffee and walked away from the volatile scene.  I picked up my Bible and scanned a scripture that talked about mankind roaming in the dark while waiting for a savior who is the light.  I stepped outside to unplug the Christmas lights and shot up an arrow prayer, Jesus, I can’t see. It’s dark here… can you help me?

I went back in the house and headed towards my daughter’s room.  “I’m sorry. I know I’m being ugly. I just can’t see what all of you see… I must be wrong because all of you are saying it.  Will you forgive me?”  My daughter told me she loved me and said she saw my side too.

Later, I received a text from a friend who knew my situation. Finally, someone who agreed with me. But she said, “Even if this person is acting in a way you think is manipulative and childlike, can you love her anyway?”

There it was again.  Overly righteous.

Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself? (NASB)

Later, a speaker on the radio pierced me.  He said, “Some people lash out in anger, and they will NEVER see they are part of the problem.” Ouch! I had to consider if this was me.

God, I think you’re talking to me today. I think you’re trying to say that maybe it’s both: this person is acting manipulative, BUT I’m acting excessively righteous and overly wise.

Chances are you’ve seen the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live. We laugh because we see what a hypocrite she is. She thinks she is doing exactly what God wants, and drawing people into God’s kingdom, when in reality her self-righteousness keeps people away.  It’s easy to laugh at her, but not so easy to see the “church lady” in me.

It doesn’t matter which version of the Old Testament I read, the point is clear.  Even if I think I’m right, I’m wrong.

So don’t knock yourself out being good, and don’t go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won’t get anything out of it. 

(Ecclesiastes 7:16, The Message) 

Recently I read The Jesus Creed by Scot McKnight.

When asked by an expert in the law where to begin with spiritual formation, McKnight explains that Jesus answered by giving the Jesus Creed. But Jesus amends the sacred creed of Judaism found in Deuteronomy 6:4-9, the Shema, and he adds Leviticus 19:18:

Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one, Love the Lord God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is not greater command.

In essence, Jesus adds to the Love-God-Shema and makes it the Love-God-and-Others-Shema.

One of the central images Jesus used to depict loving others was a table. While Jesus wanted the table to create an inclusive society, many people used it to divide societies. For example, consider the ways Jews proved their dedication to Torah (religious law): They ate only with those who were pure, and ate only what was kosher.

Can you imagine the looks on the devout Jews’ faces when they learned he snacked with sinners? I can imagine their fear and anger.

Jesus turned the Jews’ world upside down by telling the parable of the Good Samaritan:

Your neighbor is everyone you despise.

Jesus was creating a new society. Not one that was exclusive, but one that was inclusive.

McKnight says, “What Jesus wants his table customs to reveal is that the table is an open door for others to enter and not a thick wall between people.”

As I pondered this, a Dr. Seuss story came to mind:

One day a Samaritan entered the church I attend. He was honest about the reason he was coming — to gather facts for a news story.

Years later he told me something surprising about that visit. He said he had been extremely nervous to attend the Bible study for three reasons:

First, he was gay. Second, he was a reporter. Third, in an effort to fit in, he brought a Bible but it was a Catholic one that includes several additional books to the Protestant one. He felt lost and out of sorts.

He later told me, “You leaned over and shared your Bible with me.”

I don’t remember. He can’t forget.

Though my friendship with him certainly bothers people in my church, what they think doesn’t matter. I’ve had front row seats watching someone sit down at the table, even though he’s been told he’s not welcome.

I’ve seen love enlarge his heart. And his kindness enlarge my heart.

This man has been one of my biggest encouragers as I wrote my book (to be published March 2013 with Abingdon Press). He is kind and gentle, and one of the safe people in my world.

I am happy to dine with him, and we are both honored to have our knees pulled up together at God’s big dinner party.

How I wish I had hundreds of other stories like this to share. Unfortunately I haven’t always treated people as if the table was set for them. I’ve been guilty of rejecting people because they smell, talk too much, or because they have too many problems.

Jesus, lover of the Star-bellied Sneeches,

Jesus, lover of those with no stars upon thars,

Thank you for loving us. Help us to love others whose bellies are different from ours.

Two a.m. I rolled over and tried to quiet the low-pitched cadence of the dog barking in my dream. I woke up and realized the bark was real. Lying still and concentrating, I tried to will the dog’s owner into letting his pup in.

What’s wrong with people? Are they so oblivious that they let their dog stay out in the cold all night?

After several minutes, I realized the rude interruption was not going to stop. Sleep was out of the question, so I considered several possible scenarios:

I could drive my car around the block and ring the neighbor’s doorbell. No. That would mean I’d have to get dressed and go out in the cold.

I could call the sheriff’s department. No, a barking dog is no way to burn my currency with the law.

Coming up with no ideas, but getting further and further from a decent night’s sleep, I dragged my body into the bathroom and opened the window. From my upstairs bedroom I looked way down onto the neighbor’s back yard. I hollered, “Shut up!”

There.

I glanced down to where the neighbor’s dog should have been, but didn’t see any movement. Nor did I see any porch lights flick on.

Then sharply, the fog in my brain lifted and I recognized the bark.

That was my dog’s bark. But my dog was sound asleep in her bed outside my room. The reality of my mistake entered my brain:

No.

Wait.

Maybe she wasn’t in her bed.

Oops.

I felt my thoughts screech out of their judgmental state and slide into chagrin. It was my dog, Chipotle, downstairs looking out the sliding glass door and barking wildly at a cat or a fox. Her bark was so loud that even though she was indoors, all the neighbors could hear her. I hollered for Chipotle to come up and I put her in my son’s room where she wouldn’t be distracted by things outside. Back in bed, I reflected on the lesson God had once again brought to mind:

Be careful when you judge another.

Though the New Testament tells us in a number of places not to judge our brother, this does not mean we should not judge at all. We must formulate judgments in order to know how — and how not — to live our lives.  But in our judgment we must be cautious and discerning, not condemning.

Typically when we know the reasons people do things, we are more merciful. The Bible tells us tells us that we will all be judged, but mercy is the filter. As Christ offers us mercy, might we be that way as well. And when we come to our conclusions we must remember we do not know all the facts. Americans like to say, “But for the grace of God go I,” and the French say, “To know all, is to forgive all.”

Years ago, I went for an early morning jog. As I passed my neighbor’s yard, I grumbled to myself about the weeds in his yard. But then my eyes caught movement in the morning light. It was a man shuffling his trash cans to the curb — the effort took all his might. Later, I found out his lungs had froze while working in Antarctica during his military service. He could barely breathe and was on a transplant waiting list. Knowing the full story, I had nothing but mercy for my neighbor and his weeds.

This morning, during my prayer time, I challenged myself to take the phrase Love is patient and substitute my name for the word love. Lucille is patient. I felt like a liar so I asked God to help me make mercy my starting point!

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends… faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13: 4-8, 13 ESV

“

A solid marriage is a wonderful legacy to give to your children. It does so much to secure them for life.” The words of my mother-in-law rang in my head, but I could no longer hang on. I had been married for 22 years. I loved my husband desperately but I was at the end of my rope. I didn’t feel like I could do it any longer.

For most of our marriage my husband traveled; often heading out on Sunday afternoons and arriving home late on Friday nights. And if that weren’t enough, he would hole up in our basement working every weekend. It was common for me to go to bed and wake up alone.

I knew my husband loved me, and that he felt bad about being away so much. I also knew that he was buried under work pressures and was trying to financially provide for our family. Still my heart had moved past the point of being lonely, and had completely shut down. Since I was a counselor, I knew the danger signals of a marriage in trouble. My last hope was to invite my husband to attend a marriage seminar facilitated by my clinical supervisor.

I felt more and more discouraged as the seminar progressed. I recognized my marriage was in the stage where couples burn out. In this stage, affairs are common and divorce is imminent unless people get help. One of the things my supervisor and his wife (both clinical counselors) said was, “When your marriage gets to this stage, you must get help.”

They said that even they couldn’t help themselves when they hit rough patches: “It’s like a surgeon trying to take out his own appendix. It doesn’t work.” Couples get into their cycle and it’s all they know. When that doesn’t work they try harder and harder, doing what they know, then give up.”

I begged John to consider counseling. Finally, he agreed. Within just two or three sessions our marriage changed trajectories: Instead of growing apart, we shifted ever so gently back towards each other. Even though the shift felt small, and I knew our counselor was human and not a miracle worker, the impact was radical.

One of the things we learned is that we cannot change each other. Wasn’t it the differences that attracted us to our mate in the first place? I needed to learn to put my rose-colored glasses on and appreciate all the things about my husband that other people did.

Our counselor told us a funny story about how angry he got when he couldn’t find his comb in the bathroom drawers — his daughters took them out wihtout returning them. After one too many ugly tirades, he realized he did not want to leave a legacy of anger for his family so rather than argue about his missing combs, he shaved his head.

When our children were young, I saw a Gary Smalley video where he spoke about honoring your mate. He said when your mate walks through the door, treat him as if the King of England just walked in. So, in a jesting manner the kids and I began to exclaim, “Haah, it’s Dad!” when he came home. But pretty soon it was no longer a joke — he responded to the high regard with which we treated him, and he in turn treated us in a similar manner.

Another revelation was when I was accusing my husband of not wanting emotional connection, there were things I was unconsciously doing to keep him away; to my surprise I discovered it was me who was afraid of emotional intimacy. I had to face things that had happened in my past. In my own personal counseling sessions I had to grieve that part of my life.

One of the most common mistakes I’ve seen couples make is bringing all their emotional baggage into the marriage, hoping the partner will heal their wounds. I’ve learned that a marriage can only be healthy when two whole people show up, and it is not my spouse’s job to fix me.

Another critical piece is that unless couples are being open, assertive, and honest with each other, there is no emotional intimacy. Any other combination that includes passivity, aggressiveness, or passive-aggressiveness does not lead to connection. When you don’t tell your mate what’s on your mind, you have a marriage that looks good on the outside but contains no real connection.

Problems in marriage are normal. If married couples say they don’t fight they are either lying to you or not being honest with each other, and if people are not being honest with each other, there is no real intimacy. Leading marriage researcher, John Gottman will tell you it’s a myth that something is wrong with the marriage of couples are fighting. What determines whether or not couples divorce is HOW they fight.

Marriage is a people-making machine and nothing prepares you for marriage except marriage. That’s because two rough-edged people come together and make each other smooth.

One counselor told me: “When you want to pull away, push towards him.” It took everything in me to do that when I wanted to punish my husband with distance. All that would have done is make things worse.

Lastly, I realized I didn’t have to win all the time. I love hearing Dr. Phil McGraw (Dr. Phil) challenge his guests: “Do you want to be a ‘right fighter’ or do you want connection?”

If you’re having marriage struggles, consider seeing a counselor. I highly recommend the EFT marriage counseling model.

Recently, I read an article about a man who got irate about his wife not refilling the ice cube trays. One day he realized his love was so shallow that he could resent his wife for requiring him to do seven seconds’ worth of work. Later, he was invited, along with his wife to his professor’s house. Upon seeing the man’s pregnant wife, the professor jumped up and offered her a chair. He brought her some ice water, and asked if the home’s temperature was too warm. The husband said, “In the course of four minutes, my professor had served my wife in such a way that I hadn’t in four years!”

What a lesson for all married people. Marriage is not a chance for me to focus on all the ways my husband should meet my needs, and to throw a fit if he doesn’t. It’s not an excuse for me to act out by having an affair based on immaturity and selfishness. My job is to figure alternative ways to get those needs met in healthy ways, and to grieve the ones I can’t. I need to find ways to serve my husband, as Christ did when he washed the disciples’ feet (John 13:14, 15). When this is my focus, something marvelous happens: My husband moves towards me in love and service.

My husband still travels. Some problems don’t go away. But my entire focus is different. With a new perspective, supportive people to guide us, and God’s help, my kids will experience the legacy of their parent’s good marriage.

What marriage advice do you have to offer?