I’m running 10k on September 26th for AIDS!!!

At the 2010 San Diego AIDS Walk!

First of all: RUNNING! Yeah. Scary… but I can, and WILL, do it! Besides, I’ve wanted to do an AIDS Walk for AGES!

Second, more importantly… I’m offering exclusive 4×6 & 8×12 prints of your choice, the COMPLETE proceeds of which are going to AIDS!!! I rarely offer prints for sale, so this is big!!

Also, 50% of proceeds from ALL of the other awesome items available in the store will also be donated to the cause.
There’s never been a better time to get Pleiades the book or a limited edition 16×20 print!

Click here to get an exclusive 4×6 print of YOUR choice or click here to get an exclusive 8×12 print of YOUR choice… & help a GREAT cause at the same time!

If you want to make a direct donation, please click here!

If you lovely readers also clamor for one, I might even have another print auction (much like my HELP HAITI NOW auction in February). Let me know in the comments!

We have 25 days, so GO GO GO!

The goal is to raise $1,000… LET’S DO THIS!!!

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Help spread the word! PLEASE link, email, tweet, and share it! Thank you ♥

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These are my answers to questions about the chunk of writing that emerged from my loneliest, saddest, most heartbroken time… and why I chose to publish it. These are questions that I wanted to ask, and answer, myself– whether or not they have been swimming in your head, too, even if you don’t have the book or don’t give a flying fish about it, I feel compelled to express my answers anyway. This is clarification, for both of our sakes.

What is it [Pleiades], anyway? It’s not just one entity, a work in itself, but a whole menagerie of works. In fact, I only rather haphazardly named it Pleiades after a host– actually, really only two– of other names, mostly terrible (freeze fragility, for one– alright, that’s not terrible, just a tad corny). Pleiades was the name of the journal from my past life (what I call the entire period of my existence before a certain point in 2009) in which I wrote incessantly, as if talking to myself. It seemed fitting: past writing from a past life.

If you missed it, many all of my first attempts to “get published” absolutely failed. I submitted some of the stories to contests, magazines. I lost every contest, was rejected by every magazine– including the New Yorker (out of two total, I must confess). One of my stories was published in a student-run literary magazine… much to my chagrin, with formatting errors in every line and deliberately not under my pen name (though that was my only request!). I vowed never again to put my writing in the hands of someone– or something– else probably unreliable.

I first submitted it in book form to a literary magazine’s poetry book contest. I lost. I missed the deadline for the “women’s” book contest. I submitted it to another poetry contest. I realized afterward it probably didn’t even qualify as poetry, and I was relieved when I found out I didn’t win (the poets who did win, though, were professors of literature at national universities– go figure) because I realized eventually that I didn’t want anyone to publish my baby but me, me, me.

Why would I want to publish anything that had basically “failed” every chance tried? Better yet, why would you or anyone else want to read it?

Because each “failure” became more like a personal success. First, I succeeded in actually taking the risk of showing others my work– something that in the past I loathed to do, out of fear (and insistence) that nobody would understand my writing. Also, I realized that none of the places I submitted to were in the market for what I did. My writing was either “too weird” or “not weird enough”.

And most importantly, I secretly knew there was no point in seeking external validation for my work. (Plus, when did external validation ever really get anyone anywhere on a personal level?) I knew it wouldn’t become a international bestseller, and I didn’t really want it to be. I wanted it to affect people on a personal level, if they let it. Or they could simply choose to ignore it, pan it for the adolescent drivel that it surely would be revealed to be in some people’s eyes. But most importantly, I wanted to release it on my own terms, without genre or labels, without a synopsis that didn’t really mean anything, without an author’s bio because what would it even say? And I wanted to save some paper from the unnecessary waste of mass production, too. (I especially didn’t want the labels. If I don’t choose to label myself as anything, why should I let my writing be subjected to a worse fate?)

Would I have benefited from an editor to tweak my every letter? Probably. I know I’ve misused the semicolon one too many times throughout the text. At the same time, I like it much better that way– the purposeful imperfection of each word, stubborn not to change. In fact, I don’t remember a single story in the collection that I edited once for content after I had written it. I even left one of the few named character’s surname intact, though it seems self-absorbed now in the light of my identity. I didn’t even realize it until after it had been printed– hah, hah.

Why would you or anyone else want to read it? Because if it’s not premium literature, then it is at the very least entertaining, or perhaps a little bittersweet, maybe even moving. You’ll have to decide for yourself.

No, Pleiades doesn’t really have anything to do with happiness and loving yourself, the primary passion of my present life and the main subject of cynosure. In fact, it’s writing from the darkest, most sorrow-fueled era of my past, when the last thing I knew was how to love and respect myself, and when I was caught in the tangle of constant angst. But in that same vein, I felt like I had to release it out into the wild for people to read. It was my own way of letting it go.

I didn’t publish it to make money, propel myself to fame, or even because I think it’s the best darn work I’ve written (it definitely is not, at least anymore). I published it to share, and to let a big part of my past, of my life, free.

And if you choose to support that, all I can say is: thank you.

What’s next?

I was reading Pleiades yesterday myself, and though I still adore each story in its own way (and for the crystallized memories and nostalgia, though a little painful, that they evoke), it was clear that I needed to move on in terms of my writing (and already have).

To me, being a writer has always been more important than being a “published author”– at least, published in the sense of “on someone else’s terms, edited for the masses for easier digestion”. I’m always going to be a writer– it’s embedded deeper than the features of my skin.

So of course, I’m still writing.

But until my next creation is revealed, click here to get Pleiades while it’s still in print. I’m only going to release a limited number of copies into the world, so hurry up.

Testimonials (aka rave reviews– or rants) forthcoming. Got one? Send it my way.

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I’m grateful for all the depression, all the traumas, all the pain, all the disordered eating and all the sadness; without it, I wouldn’t have learned to fight, fight to be happy, be determined, persevere, overcome my own negativity, my own darkness.

Without it, I wouldn’t have learned to love eating, to love food, to really learn how to enjoy nourishing my body and taking care of myself. I wouldn’t have learned to be healthy, eat healthily, live healthily. And I wouldn’t have wanted to.

Without it, I wouldn’t have learned to eventually love life, to live in the present, to stop regretting, to stop worrying.

I wouldn’t have learned to carry on despite countless failures in the past; let go of the times I felt like I had ruined myself;

I wouldn’t have learned to not only love others but just as importantly, love myself.

I’m grateful for all the things in my past that I once regretted to the ends of the earth, that I once blamed myself for, despised myself for, wanted to destroy myself for.

Without the desperation that came with being up to my waist in sorrow, self-damaging thinking, destruction… I would never have been moved to change.

Without all the hurt, anger, frustration, guilt, ridiculously self-disparaging thoughts, and myriad of other uncomfortable or terrible feelings… and without the constant obstacles of the present that I now see as growth opportunities… I wouldn’t have learned to be strong, and I wouldn’t have had a reason to even try.

I’m grateful for everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen. Even if it kind of sucked at the time, and might not be so cheery in the future.

What are you grateful for?

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Plus, I felt a weight in my stomach. My after-dinner snack last night of lots and lots of cornbread, vegan cream cheese, dates, three too many skewers of Japanese dango with lots of sugary additives… The vegan cream cheese especially, as I put it, kicked my digestive system’s ass. I had overslept. I felt nauseous, groggy. My abdomen even ached and cramped and protested. Still, I did not regret. I accepted it. I wanted to eat more these few days to get more fuel anyway.

I drank water. A lot of it. My stomach felt like it was emptying eventually. I wanted to eat. I wanted to make sweet cornbread. Eat a bowl of oatmeal. I wanted to be hungry so I could eat.

But I didn’t wait for hunger, which on days like these can come like a lover in the night, forcing me to be patient the whole day. I didn’t want to wait. Instead, I ate half a pan of the plain cornbread I made the day before with gratuitous amounts of agave syrup and Earth Balance. And then multiple bowls of pumpkin flaxseed cereal (I hate cereal) with soy milk and peanut butter and banana. I thought it would taste like the oh-so-familiar oatmeal I loved to eat, with mashed banana and peanut butter on the spoon. It didn’t. But I kept on eating.

All before noon. All before I was to go to my neighbor’s house to play board games with a group of friends.

And I had that sinking feeling in my stomach, the literal feeling of the weight of the equivalent of several meals inside. The kind of feeling, that feeling of a binge, that in the past made me want to give up everything. Stay inside. Blow off my friends and our plans. Avoid seeing anyone, I felt too disgusting. Eat more, maybe. Grovel on the bed with a headache and bemoan a wasted day. I had ruined an entire day with the actions of a few minutes.

At least, that’s what I would have done. A couple years ago, maybe. A couple of months ago, even. Something I had done countless times in the past– avoided social contact as much as possible, for fear of this feeling. This feeling of self-disgust and grossness and being literally weighed down and feeling sick and tired from digesting, from too much food in too little time.

But this time, I didn’t.

I gathered up my stuff and left and played board games with friends for five hours. My energy level dipped back up to normal, then down again as my body continued to work hard digesting the sudden amount of food with which I had presented it. But I did it– I left my house during a moment I could have said, “Why not hole up and feel bad about myself and do nothing about it.” I didn’t eat while I was there because I wasn’t hungry yet. I didn’t let the actions of the already far away past (this morning) ruin my day. I didn’t let myself be immobilized by my own judgments about what had already happened. I didn’t say, “Well, today’s ruined anyway, might as well eat myself to the point of wanting to die.”

Instead, I moved on.

And I just came home. And I contemplated eating more. Cornbread dipped in an olive oil and spice marinade this time, maybe. Or maybe I’d make sweet cornbread and eat all of that. Maybe I’d eat some strawberries. Maybe I’d eat slices of tomato, make sweet potato fries, dip them in BBQ sauce leftover by a recent guest just because I didn’t want to waste it.

Or maybe I could wait until I’m hungry again. Continue to take care of my body. Because I am healthy. I am strong. And I love myself.

I chose love and health and strength.

And joy in the only thing that ever really exists: the present.

Today is the best day of your life. This moment, the best moment.

Because it’s the only moment you’re living in right now.

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What is that? Why, that IS a pretty bunch of wildflowers amid the beautiful sunrise I woke up happily at 5:45am to experience on top of a huge hill!

First check out my post at the awesome Wholestyle Network (by which I am Wholestyle Approved!) about the secrets of being a morning person: Click here to read How to Become a Morning Person and LOVE It!

In other news, Project: Summer 2010! is coming to a happy end. While I might still post occasional goals (like my year-round resolutions) or updates on what I’m reading (because I love books!), and of course I’ll keep on moving my body & living mindfully, I won’t be keeping meticulous track anymore. (Besides, tracking so carefully is a bit too anti-spontaneous for me! Sometimes I just don’t give a darn about the numbers!)

Anyway, I’ve been growing a lot lately… learning to love more, more than I ever really did before. By the way, have I mentioned how much I love you lately?

I love you and appreciate you, and I am so grateful for your presence in this lovely universe. ♥

I’m also trusting my intuition more, letting go of my ego, being more peaceful… if you have any specific questions about things like that, feel free to ask (or poke me on Twitter! I don’t bite!). I haven’t been moved to write about it yet, though… and probably won’t until it’ll be able to benefit you, too

Also, I will probably be writing a LOT more about food (the local, sustainable, organic, and pretty much just delicious & awesome kind) from now on (as opposed to wonderful eating, which is another one of my favorite topics and will continue to be discussed in loving detail!). I’ve been meaning to for the longest time but lately I’d love to share… food book reviews, animal-free recipes (by popular– or at least Mary‘s– demand ), and more!

(After getting the Veganomicon: The Ultimate Vegan Cookbook and Vegan Brunch [have I mentioned how much I love breakfast & brunch yet?], both amazing cookbooks I’ve lusted after for a long time from the Post Punk Kitchen, I’ve been raring to share and really enjoying amazing vegan food… even better that I’m making it myself.)

Book reviews in general (especially the books that helped me change my life) will also be making more of an appearance.

So stay tuned for those awesome posts!

Speaking of moving my body & my favorite way of doing it, running (or was I? ), my other special surprise will be unveiled soon as well… soooooon.

Have a great rest of the week, beautiful!

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Stay tuned for more awesome posts & my super-secret surprise! Why don’t you get updates through RSS & follow me on Twitter or Facebook?

If you enjoy short stories, poetry, or bittersweet love, this book is for you!

Pleiades: an anthology of poetry & prose from 2004 to 2009.

(What’s Pleiades? Can I read a story from the book?
How about another excerpt?)

Please support my dreams! ♥

Click here to purchase it today!

Thank you for your support always, dearest reader. ♥

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Hurry, only a limited number will ever be available!

This is what I look forward to every morning. I love breakfast!

Project: Summer 2010! (Project What?) Weeks – 1 & 2 | 3 & 4 | 5 & 6 | 7 & 8

By popular demand, Project: Summer 2010! will now be hosted weekly. Just a few more weeks until it becomes Project: Fall 2010!

Week 9

• Monday: The “Canada 5k!” to commemorate my last day in Canada. Except I totally forgot my mile markers and went the wrong way… so it was the Canada 4.5k instead Also didn’t time miles separately. Total: 2.8 miles, 27:01 at 9:38 pace. 0.63 mile walk. Not too bad– best pace ever!
• Tuesday: My flight back to the US which took all day… and exhausted me. And I was… sore!
• Wednesday: My first run back in my hometown… HILLS, HILLS, HILLS! Went from going completely flat in Brossard to very varied elevation! Still a little sore from Monday. 30 minute run (2.75 miles at 10:54 pace). 0.78 mile walk. My pace went totally downhill.. as I climbed uphill (ohoho).
• Thursday: 32 minute run (2.9 miles at 11:02 pace). HILLS ARE A DEFINITE CHALLENGE! Also, one of my shoes was very loosely tied and it bothered me the whole time.
• Friday: Rest. I’ve been resting a LOT more than usual, to acclimate myself to hills.
• Saturday: When I was in high school, 2 miles seemed forever. BUT ON THIS DAY, I RAN MY FIRST EVER 4-MILER! It came out of nowhere… and I DID IT! 47:08, 11:46 pace. 0.48 mile walk. I almost ran for an entire hour ! Wow.
• Sunday: Walking around SF/resting.

Books Finished this Week

• The Sky’s The Limit by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer – One of the sequels to Your Erroneous Zones. Not as lifechanging or compelling as Your Erroneous Zones, but it did provide me with some new insights, though it didn’t really make me feel more like a “No-Limit Person” (which I was already ).

• Kafka on the Shore by Murakami Haruki – The fifth novel of Murakami’s I’ve read this year, and I don’t even like his novels that much. (I do enjoy his short stories.) But this one was the first novel I really liked of his! (I did enjoy The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, but I didn’t really feel much from it.) And it was so in sync with what I’ve been feeling and pondering lately (“What does it feel like? To be yourself and part of me at the same time?”) that I really appreciated it. Even if I still have issues with his representations of females and female sexuality.
• The Reader by Bernhard Schlink – A quick read and small diversion into post-Nazi Germany with an interesting romance.

Epiphanies & Observations

• Hydrate hydrate hydrate WELL.
• Most important (running) lesson of the past month or so: Always bring tissues when running! I am not proficient at blowing snot rockets and I don’t want to do it on my shirt, so I need the tissues.

Random Links of Awesome

• Valedictorian Speaks Out Against Schooling in Graduation Speech. Awesome speech summing up what I think about organized education. Watch the video of the sppech here.
• Coca-Cola Sued for Vitaminwater Health Claims. Enough said.
• Awesome woman quits job and emails the entire office these awesome photos. Screw being a corporate slave. Go out on your own!

And now I want to know…

What have you learned from life in the past week? What’re you reading? Any cool links to share?

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“Failure does not exist. Failure is simply someone else’s opinion of how a certain act should have been completed. Once you believe that no act must be performed in any specific other-directed way, then failing becomes impossible.”
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

“There are no failures– just experiences and your reactions to them.”
Tom Krause

Inspired by No Meat Athlete, here are almost all of the times I failed that have helped me become such an ongoing success (no, really!)…

• I failed to get into any of my top choice universities. I got rejected from 8 different schools. 2 of the 3 that did accept me were schools you couldn’t have paid me to go to. (And yet I went to one of them and look how I’ve grown. )

• I failed the first three times I tried to take calculus for a general education requirement. I even dropped it in high school, where dropping a class meant an F (probably leading to many of my many school rejections above).
• I failed the first three times I tried to stop eating meat.
• I failed countless times in three years trying to eat mindfully and healthily. I failed countless times to let go of addiction, depression, suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation, eating disorders, and self-hatred. But eventually… I succeeded
• My doubles partner and I were the bottom rung of the ladder in tennis in high school. (That was literally how the rankings worked: rungs of a ladder.) We never, ever won a game. Ever!
• I won last place in every single one of my track races in high school.
• I failed many, many times in pursuit of a successful loving relationship. I was also rejected several times in other situations.
• I failed to complete my Project 365.
• I failed to muster up the courage, self-confidence, and positive body image to attend my school’s Undie Run (running in your underwear from library to library during finals week) six times. (But not next time!)
• I’ve failed to floss every day for basically my entire life… but I’m going to start today, for sure!
• I’ve failed to stop peeling my lips (my most on-going & worst habit) for years. I’m going to stop, though, soon now!
• Pleiades lost two book contests before I finally fulfilled my dream of self-publishing. My story, spacedying, was rejected by the New Yorker, lost a short story contest, and was also rejected by a handful of other magazines. I also sent many, many of my stories to a certain literary magazine. Every single one was rejected for two years.
• I failed to love myself for over 18 years.

I’m sure there are others, but I’ve failed to remember them right now

What are the failures that have made YOU into the success you are today?

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• “Every time you are exposed to commercials or advertising messages of any kind, remind yourself that they are all propaganda designed to convince you that other people’s opinions of you are more important than your own opinions of yourself…

     The universal message is that what others might think of you is so important that you ought to squelch your own inner opinion in favor of being sure to please others.”

     Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, The Sky’s The Limit

• You can’t ever truly keep anyone. Ever. Sooner or later, death will take them or they will leave. Either one is inevitable. So instead of wasting time worrying about losing them, fearing losing them, being insecure that you’re not doing enough to keep them… relax. Enjoy and appreciate their presence now. It’s like the axiom, “It’s already broken.”

     When you realize what you have is (in the future) already broken, or gone, you can stop worrying about losing it and instead actually spend time living and being happy and thankful you’ve had it at all.

• Whenever you judge anyone else negatively, you are really seeing what you’d like to change in yourself.

     Even if you say, “I would never do that!” it might be a sign that you want to be more empathetic and understanding to opposing beliefs, to understand why that part of yourself feels so indignant and defensive– or at least accept them so you won’t get so bothered about them in the future.

     To take it even further, (in a subjective reality,) everyone you encounter is actually a part of you, and however they act to you is a representation of your own self, your subconscious.

     If you want others to change, change yourself first.

• “Global livestock production is responsible for about one fifth of all greenhouse gases– more than transportation.

     [..] It requires 40 calories of fossil fuel to produce one calorie of beef protein.” (emphasis mine)

     Food Matters by Mark Bittman

     Just fyi.

• Addendum: How much space, time, & gas would we save if we just… looked at this picture? No, really.

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