R

Inside, I'm dying

2016-08-07T19:44:00.003+08:00

The sun is diminishing where I am.
People's presence is more than an arm's length away.
Laughter is faded, few and far between.
My heart is heavy and my chest is weighted, it is an effort to breathe.
I don't know how to live and I find myself pining for life, sun and laughter.
I pine for friends like you do not understand.
It is difficult to be alone and I fear I am fading away.
People are alone but not lonely, I am alone and lonely.
Loneliness is more than I can bear at times and I feel my heart breaking from nothing.
One day I pondered death more than is necessary.
I started listing what are the reasons I should be alive and what are the reasons I should not be.
At the top of the list is "I am afraid to die" and "I still want to live".
And I still do want to live because there are people who are dying and they want to live too.
I want to live but why do I find it so difficult to live? Others are doing fine, why can I be fine too?
Am I hindering myself?

Just be yourself, but...

2016-07-15T02:25:00.002+08:00

Just be yourself!
But change your dressing, first impression counts.
Get your eyebrows trimmed, you're not a kid.
Put some makeup on, you'll look better.

Don't be bothered by what people say, just be yourself!
But smile less, you're showing too much gum.
What's that in your teeth? Is it a gap? Get it fixed.
Close your legs and sit like a lady!
You're too quiet, be more outgoing, guys like that!

Just be yourself, why are you so bothered by others?
Do you have a boyfriend? Why not? You must be too picky.
Have higher standards! You're a great person!
What are your requirements? A-B-C? Those are ridiculous, go by mine instead.
When is your turn? When are you going to have a baby?
When are you going to have a second baby? Consider a third!

Just be yourself, you are enough.
Write what you want to write, but that's too much.
Just be yourself, but less would be better. Sometimes you have to be more.
It just has to be socially acceptable.

Stop time, stop!

2016-06-10T01:13:00.002+08:00

This year, I will receive a letter to renew my IC. This marks my 30th year alive, and I've never felt more useless. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I feel like I am going nowhere, I have no plans, I've done nothing and have no burning passion. I am directionless. Everybody else seem to know what they are doing, happy with their lives, marriages, families and children. And here I am, stuck at home, on my own.

I know if I want something, I've got to do it. But DO WHAT??? Stop time, STOP! I can't move on like this!

Valentine's Day

2016-02-19T01:52:00.001+08:00

Happy V-day! heart emoticon I love you, Harry Potter World! You drug my mind every time I open you and delve into your pages. Do you coat your words with love potion, the same way Romilda coated the chocolates she gave Harry? Or perhaps you are casting the Imperious Curse on me, since I cannot help but find myself picking up the book whenever I have a free moment, reading late into the night, and carrying you around with me even to the toilet (where fortunately Moaning Myrtle does not reside). I wouldn't be surprised if the remnants of a Confundus Charm had escaped from within your pages, for it would explain the momentary confusion that clouds my mind whenever I close your covers, staring at whatever Muggle object is in front of me, wondering where my wand is. You are a magical book, for with every visit I see you in a different light, and at every visit I momentarily cease to be a muggle. I love you, Harry Potter World, forever and ever.

End of 2015

2015-12-31T19:20:00.000+08:00

2015 was a normal year. It was the same as 2014. I live in Singapore, have a roof over my head, food to eat, an acceptable income, and alright health. How bad could it be?

This is the year I realized how physically weak (and light) I was. Not something that can't be corrected, and I'm glad I know what to do next year regarding this aspect.

2015 is the year my income rose and stabilized. My friends and colleagues also approached me for a a business venture and we are starting out.

Also, not sure if it's obvious, but 2015 is the year my emotions took a down-turn. It is the year I really felt like I had no friends, no life, no worth, no goal and no sense of purpose. I had no idea who to turn to to talk about it. Everybody else seemed busy - busy with work, busy with family, busy with children, busy with marriage, busy with other friends. It is the year I forced myself to work, teach and to smile even when the muscles in my face seemed to not want to move.
It is the year I realized I have to seriously face my emotions and handle it, on my own. No friends, no partners. It is also the year I realized I have to reach out to my friends more, even though they have their own lives, force myself on them if necessary (lol) because I need their friendship, even if they do not need mine. I need them more than they would probably ever need me.

This year I learned I have to be more proactive.
I learned I have to be more positive.
I learned I have to accept that my friends have other commitments.
I learned that I have to create my own opportunities.

On the issue of relationships. I wish I have one, but I can't force one to happen. I'm probably not giving myself enough chances for it to happen - that's the bad point about being an introvert. I'm just going to let nature take its course. If I find somebody, good. If I don't, then so be it. I don't have a deadline.
I'll probably have sex one day. Right now I'm fine with the occasional make-outs with guys here and there.
If I'm 40 and still single, I probably have to field questions about my singlehood, but it's probably going to be part of my life by then.
I want my own home, so I'm planning to buy it based on my own capability. Then again, I'll be the one to take care of my parents, so I'll probably end up staying with them until their late years. And do you know how big my house is?! I'm still planning on buying a house though.
I want children, but if I can't, then I probably won't. Maybe if I find myself emotionally capable in the future, I'll adopt. Maybe I'll explore other options. That's for later. I know I'm looking forward to my brother having his own children.

In 2016, I just want to be healthy and have richer relationships with my friends and family.

Congratulations, You're Single

2015-12-28T01:57:00.002+08:00

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Shiny tiaras,
a "single" sash.
Congratulatory handshakes,
made to feel
like a princess.

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Little cakes and red eggs,
a card with your face.
Big hugs and frantic screams -
Have you ever heard of that?

"It's nothing great,
it's a ton of work.
Better to be single,
rich and free!"

Then why did you marry,
was it by choice?
Or forced by culture,
were you held at gun-point?

Would you give up
your partner,
your marriage
and your child?
Get back your singlehood!
Your freedom,
your cash,
your sleep!

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Because everybody's single,
and then they did something
big.

"Congratulations on your success,"
that's what we really mean,
when there is hand-holding,
marriage,
and then, whee! Babies!

Milestones after milestones,
year after year.
Learning to not feel like a failure
although no milestones are achieved.

I wish I can just be happy for all of you

2015-11-04T00:47:00.003+08:00

Life Milestones x Age

2015-11-04T00:11:00.002+08:00

I saw this comic of a graph on Facebook the other day, but I couldn't find it again. So I drew it again from memory. It pretty much sums up my life.

Regression

2015-10-02T01:13:00.000+08:00

Horror is when you realize one day that you have not progressed as a person. Instead you have regressed. Instead of being the truthful, positive person previously, you have let hatred and jealousy grow freely within you, because it is easier to feed the negative than to cultivate the positive - the same way weeds can overgrow a flower patch when it isn't tended to daily.

Singlehood - The Practice of giving up hope

2015-09-24T00:40:00.001+08:00

Couple of days ago, I came to terms with the possibility of me never finding somebody or getting married in this lifetime (again). Holding on to hope that it might happen is too much for me to bear and friends' assurances that "it is not your time yet", "you will find the person soon", "have hope" or sentences along those tracks just makes it harder because... I don't sense anybody out there for me. Maybe I am wrong but it is easier to just accept absence as default because not everybody gets somebody special to love and to love them back. Then with its acceptance I can move on to other things, at least temporarily, and hope that this desire will take longer to return, stay a shorter while, and not cause as much heartache with each cycle.

After I've come to accept a perpetual or long-term singlehood, I began to ask myself what do I do. How do I take care of myself? What do I want to do? 3 points popped up in my mind.

1) Others always have the opportunity to travel with their beloved, but since I am not going to have a beloved to travel with, it is time for me to travel alone. I have to learn how to go somewhere on my own and survive on my own without fear enveloping me. There isn't going to be some guy for me to rely on when I get lost or get hungry in the middle of the night. I am going to have to get my own food and my own ass back to my abode. My sense of direction suck balls, by the way.

2) Others have to share the cost of a flat or BTO with their beloved, but seeing as age 35 looms soon and it is likely I would still be single then, I have to seriously plan growing my own money and affording a place of my own, by my own. There will be no "combination of income" or "discussion of which size apartment is best for growing our family". It will be based solely on what I want and what I can afford.

3) There will be nobody to "send me home in his car" or "pick me up" when things ends late. Except for my lovely colleague and obliging father when he isn't too tired. Am I going to learn how to drive? I have never wanted to learn, but maybe I should. I'll dwell on it and see.

I will have to learn to manage my emotions when I see others walk down the aisles, when friends have children, when they fret over their children, when their partners hold their hands, when their children grow up, when they experience motherhood. Later on in life, and even now, I have to deal with feelings of worthlessness and feelings of being less of a woman because I may not ever have a child. Worthlessness because who the hell has never been in a relationship at 29/30 years old? Who at 29/30 years old, whose only experience with relationships are occasional flings?

All this that I'm saying, it must seem very silly and pointless to people who already have found somebody. People who are getting married or have already had children. I often wonder, if people wish for singlehood so badly, if they could push a button to reverse it, would they? Would they remove their beloved and their children? Go back to this singlehood which seems to plague me but which seems to elude them? To the simple joys of thinking only of and for oneself. Would they give up their family and a beloved's love for them? If no, then why do some people say, in various ways, "singlehood is better"?

I am ruminating again. I have to stop doing this. I have to practice giving up hope when the desire arrives, so I can live a proper life and be truly myself.

Answering the question on my shirt

2015-07-08T23:03:00.002+08:00

On my 21st birthday, my friends gave me a shirt that read "Explain to me why I need a boyfriend". It was meant to be a rhetoric question, but today, I have decided to answer the question and explain fully, to my T-shirt, why I need a boyfriend.

Why I need a boyfriend

1) So that I can know how it feels like to wake up in the morning and receive a good morning text telling me to have a good day, an after-lunch text, a mid-work text, an after-work text, or a before-bed text. I think it would really cheer up my day and give me the strength to go on on a particularly moody day.

2) So that I can actually call somebody or text somebody my troubles without feeling like I am infringing on their personal time, bothering or burdening them unnecessarily.

3) So that I can hold hands.

4) I need a driver who is not a taxi driver, bus driver, or my father, and who will volunteer to drive me someplace. If he does not have a car, then offer to send me home, sit in the bus with me, or offer to walk me home. It is very sweet to have that. I wish I can experience that frequently.

5) So that I can make out and have sex without feeling like a whore.

6) So that I can get warm hugs, kisses and cuddles anytime I want and not have to actually scrounge around for them or plead with somebody else to give them to me. Also, it would help me not feel like a whore getting them.

7) So that I have somebody I can discuss mundane things with.

8) So that I can have somebody to eat with.

9) So that I can understand what all those "relationship troubles" mean when my friends talk about them.

10) So that I can actually have somebody watch TV, go to the movies and do stupid couple things with.

11) So that I don't feel so alone.

External Encouragement

2015-06-08T01:28:00.000+08:00

At times when your confidence in yourself hits a low and you don't trust yourself enough or that the words that you say are not convincing enough for you, it helps to think and rely on something positive that somebody you trust have said about you. Then you keep repeating it to yourself again and again until you believe in it and until you feel better.

Unraveling Mind

2015-05-15T01:29:00.000+08:00

On some days before the visit of the Red, I start to feel poorly. Emotionally and physically, but mostly emotionally. I start to get more agitated, more teary and short-tempered. This week, however, is not a typical pre-Red emotional roller-coaster, simply because Red was already over.

This week, I had to deal with something I have not dealt with in a very long time. And also something I had never had to deal with.

My mind was unraveling. Like a ball of yarn escaping a pair of hands but with the human hands still grasping a single thread of yarn, it unravels. It rolls away, seemingly with a mind of its own.

In the past, I could escape this cloud of gloom that descended me, without too much effort. This time though, it was a much denser cloud with engulfed me and which I (still) could not get out of. It has been at least a week or so. Ruminative thought followed ruminative though and before long, I felt out of control. Anger, frustration, helplessness and an overwhelming amount of energy, fuelled by a strong desire to do something flooded my being. I ended up hanging up the laundry as well as doing the dishes in record time, loudly, energy spilling out of me like a coffee cup filled to the brim and shaken around.

It's hilarious to think of it when you're feeling normal, but the emotion welling up inside was overwhelming, to say the least. Even up to a couple of hours ago, I was tearing up at any single, negative thought. I was tearing up as I ate my dinner at the food court. I was tearing up while I was on my way to a lesson and on the way home. It was bad.

Inside I was screaming for help, but outside I was mostly expressionless, normal and smiling. The inane feeling of wanting to dig my nails into my thighs and pull them upwards, nearly took over me one of the nights because it was, for some reason, too painful inside to bear and I wanted it out. But I didn't because rationality anchored me down. I needed help but I didn't know I needed it. I wanted somebody, anybody, to talk to but convinced myself it was ridiculous because the source of this emotion is ridiculous, my friends had more important things to do, and I didn't know how to tell somebody that I would like some company. It took me one week, until yesterday, to realize that I needed to talk.

Even now, I think it is a minor thing, something not major enough to bother others with. Nevertheless, a nagging feeling inside tells me it is otherwise. It warns me that I need to find a way to deal with it, that it will come back in the future to torment me, even if it disappears for now.

Right now, it has stabilized and I feel largely normal, thanks to a meet up and chat with a friend yesterday. I also realize the need to face this emotion, accept it and work through it. All this while, I have been avoiding facing it, corking it until it cannot be hidden anymore simply because it was easier. However, it still bubbles, I can feel it. This immense sorrow and helplessness can grow to be so big.

Please, please... I need the courage to deal with this.

Somedays I don't feel alive

2015-05-09T01:03:00.000+08:00

Somedays I ponder the reason for my existence. That's alright, I suppose, because it means I feel alive enough to ponder this.

Somedays I need to do things to feel alive, feel the adrenaline rush, feel the blood coursing through my veins.

Because somedays I don't feel alive.

So I would stand at my window and look out, feel the cool air on my face, look down 10 storeys, make sure that I'm alive.

Today, my legs don't feel alive. I hope they feel better tomorrow.

2015-02-11T01:49:00.000+08:00

It is easy to pity people with disabilities and criticize their caregivers for not doing enough, thinking you can do better...
Until you start living with one. Then you start REALLY respecting patient caregivers who tirelessly give themselves without complaint.
I am not one of those patient caregivers. I can deal with stuff when they are at a distance from me, like most people. I can deal with occasionally buying tissue from people with disabilities, donating money, and visiting them once in a while. Most people do this, then give themselves a pat on the back for doing a good deed. Live with one, and see how you fare.
I cannot take the responsibility - I know myself, I am no altruistic person. I can deal with disabilities the way I deal with students and children - when they don't live with me. I don't pretend to be altruistic. If I feel like helping, I help. If I feel like somebody is pitiful, I feel it and maybe help them for a bit. It is tiring to pretend to be altruistic.
On the issue of children - I don't love children, although I teach them. I form certain bonds with certain children/students, but I don't love all children. I quite detest some of them, actually. I think my niece and nephews are cute, and most other children besides them, tolerable. Lol. If I ever have children in the future, I will understand if my friends don't find them adorable. When my friends have children, I am more interested in my friends' well-being than with their baby's well-being because I know my friends but I don't know the baby. Is it weird?

Contemplation

2015-01-04T02:12:00.001+08:00

Night is a time for contemplation. It can be peaceful for some yet scary for others. For the past couple of weeks, I found myself increasingly fearing night. It is too quiet, and faced with myself, it is too much to bear.

Happy New Year 2015

2015-01-01T02:34:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year 2015!

In view of all that has happened (or not), this year I pledge to do things I have never done before.

Summary of change in appearance

2015-01-01T02:32:00.002+08:00

Continuation from here, a timeline of changes in my appearance. Too much to catch up.

January
I got a new pair of spectacles. I mentioned it here.

February
Lunar New Year, usually the only time of the year that I dress up. This was with eye-liner, concealer, lip gloss. My skin is clear from here on.

March
How I usually look most of the time. The glasses really made a big difference. Looking at this now, I don't know why I spent money on getting braces.

August
There was a gap in my teeth which grew bigger and it started affecting my other teeth. Was really upset about it because I used to have extremely straight teeth.

September
I started on a 7-month long braces treatment. At around the same time, I had my eyebrows plucked - pretty much the first for me.

This picture below is taken using my Mac. It usually makes me look really good. I had on one of those contact lenses which makes my eyes look bigger. I also had on the standard of concealer, eyeliner and lip gloss. My hair was really listening to me at that moment in front of the camera. The braces had also changed the shape of my jawline slightly.

October

Had my hair cut and re-coloured for a lighter shade of brown. This would be a more accurate version of how I usually looked at that time.

December

Attended a JC classmate's wedding. My eyebrows were plucked, I had on concealer, eyeliner and a lip tint which belonged to my sister. This is my most made-up moment thus far. For the record, I look put together when I don't smile. When I am smiling or laughing wholeheartedly, my face looks like it is breaking apart.

Thus ends my transformation for this year.

Night is a complex thing

2014-12-31T01:14:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and wish that I would sleep forever.

"Maybe this will be my last sleep," I would think.

Then I would think of how my family would deal with my material possessions. What would they think when they see my stash of porn in the external hard drive?

"Maybe I should have deleted it first before dying. Maybe I should get out of bed and delete them now. But what if I am still alive tomorrow and I want to visit my stash of porn? Seems like a waste to delete them."

And I will wake up the next day. Often times, I don't remember how I was feeling last night or why I felt that way. It would seem ridiculous to me that I felt down when right now, in the morning, I feel so positive! Once or twice, I would wake up and feel slightly disappointed that I had woken up.

Sometimes when I am very down at night (and it is very frequent nowadays), I would have this immense urge to have sex, lose my virginity to somebody, don't care who. However, since I am generally picky about who I am with and my body doesn't respond unless the atmosphere is right and my brain is in the mood, it doesn't happen. I have nobody to turn to anyway, and masturbation is frankly boring. So the drive and hormones just build up and up. It's like a hose with its opening blocked up so water pressure builds up behind it.

Since sex is out of the question, my pent-up energy goes out of control and I suddenly have an urge to ride a roller-coaster or jump off a building. Too cowardly to jump, so don't worry.

Too late into the night now. Good night.

Why I'm in a bad mood

2014-12-23T01:31:00.001+08:00

I have been thinking about why I have increasingly been in such a bad mood and I know the answer. I have always known. The same way I have always known why I hold such a negative view of relationships, or why my fats are starting to show its presence on my tummy. I just refuse to admit those reasons and push them into a dark recess of my mind, hoping against hope that it would magically disappear one day. These things don't, though. They grow and become absorbed by your body, mind and soul, so that with each passing day, you increasingly find it more difficult to remember the reason for your emotions, until one day, you attribute it to something else more convenient and less embarrassing. The emotion never goes away until you acknowledge it, I guess.

So while I was washing my new clothes, vacuuming the floor, ironing clothes and hanging up the laundry (i.e. doing "responsible" stuff), my mind took the liberty of analyzing this anger I have been feeling. For a while now, I have resented doing responsible things. Things that the eldest child, and a female, should do. Things like doing household chores, washing up, throwing away the rubbish, preparing medicine for my uncle, doing random grocery (and medical) shopping for my uncle, keeping the food in the refrigerator, eating leftovers, etc.

My siblings don't do these things as frequently as I do (some they don't do at all), so why me? I kept asking myself. I realized though, that although my mom used to nag at me to do, nowadays she doesn't nag at me to do it as much anymore, mostly because I always get angry and ask why can't she ask my other siblings instead of always asking me. I think she gave up.

Basically, in one line, I am trying to shirk responsibility. Why am I trying to shirk responsibility? Because seeing how much fun my teenage sister has makes me insanely jealous. I did not have this much fun when I was her age. I did whatever my family told me to do. In fact, up until Sec 1, I would accept most food I was served for breakfast and eat it, even if I hated it. I always went home after school/band. I don't remember attending parties. I didn't have many going-out clothes - may be 1 or 2 pieces. In short, I was a very responsible, extremely good, cookie-cutter kind of girl. Except for my temper, which I vividly remember growing worse as I grew older.

And now, at age 28, I am refusing to grow up. I regret not clubbing, not drinking, not getting drunk, not having sex, not making more friends, not going to parties, not going out more, not staying out after midnight, not being braver, not trying more things. I regret not being a havoc teenager. In a way I can't help it because I never inclined towards those activities but I regret it now anyway. I regret always listening to my parents and being a good girl. Every day I have, shoved in my face when I go home, evidence of a life which I could never have, time I could never turn back. I feel like I can't do anything now, because I am 28 and I have to be responsible. I have to work, help with the housework, wash the dishes, hang the clothes, make sure the medicine is prepared, and vacuum the floor on weekends. It isn't a lot of work but it is symbolic of what awaits me. But I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be an adult and have to pay mortgages and have babies and give up my life for the babies I might have. I don't want to do all those without having been a teenager before. I don't want to be the eldest and the most responsible. I don't want my aunts to always look for me instead of my siblings when they have instructions to "carry the pot over, wash the cutlery, make sure your father has food to eat, make sure the uncle is eating his medicine." I don't want to always be the person my parents expect to help hang the laundry or wash the dishes when they are busy. When I do stuff like these, it's expected. When I don't do it, I get nagged at. When my brother or sister do it, they get praised for doing it.

I want to be the youngest instead. I want to be male, youngest and having lots of fun.

I find it laughable that at 28, my friends are married and have kids, and here I am refusing to grow up.

2014-10-17T01:31:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I find it difficult to express to friends how down I feel. Often times, I feel like I have no friends at all, though I know that's not true at all.

People have come and gone though. Those with whom I've shared my innermost feelings in the past seem distant now. I hope I don't lose any more friends because I am very bad at making new ones and it takes so long to build a trust. What the fortune-teller said was true. Loneliness often overwhelm me, leaving me helpless. It is a burden I do not wish to have. I have forced myself to go to work and put on a smile when I am drowning in this pool of loneliness. My colleague can sense it at those times, but I always manage to successfully attribute it to the Friday-syndrome, where it replaces Monday blues (since I work mostly on weekends). At least I think I have been successful. Work manages to distract me mostly successfully during those times, but I know there's a dreariness in my actions and words when I teach. I always make a conscious effort to put it away because it is not the kids' fault that I am feeling this way and they deserve the best of what I can give.

Sometimes I wonder why I am alive, then berate myself for wasting time and energy thinking of this when more productive things can be done, which makes me feel worse about myself. Sometimes I wish somebody can siphon my presence into themselves and make better use of me.

I wish I am stronger on my own. I know I am stronger when I have somebody else with me, whether a friend or stranger. I know feelings of affection fuels me and makes me feel alive. At some point though, I have realized that I cannot depend on feelings of affection anymore because it breaks my heart every time. Like now, the way it is breaking my heart now. So I wish I can be stronger on my own, when love constantly eludes me. I have to be stronger on my own because love will constantly elude me for years.

No point dwelling on negativity. Writing about it is a relief, yet also makes it worse. It is weird.

Normalcy

2014-08-24T00:46:00.001+08:00

Feeling normal is like being able to breathe again after an extra long bout of cough. Or like an irritating itch in your throat is finally gone. We don't appreciate normalcy until something takes it away, however temporarily.

And so, today I am grateful that I have a full set of strong, working teeth. So that I can still eat what I wish and I can still look decent when I smile.

Dark Period

2014-08-16T02:12:00.000+08:00

I am currently in one of my "Dark" periods, characterized by extreme moodiness, irritability, lower tolerance (even of loud motorcycles), a dive in self-esteem, worthiness & optimism, and extended periods of extreme loneliness in circumstances which usually do not affect me.

Sometimes it starts off with a single negative thought and it spirals downwards from that point. Sometimes it coincides with the week before my period. Sometimes it just suddenly appears - to me, at least. I currently cannot tell if it is all triggered the same thing, but I know it is not always linked to my period. For instance, I felt totally normal last month.

This time round, I am plagued by thoughts of self-harm and death. For the last couple of days, I would suddenly be thinking about how insignificant I am, while coming out of the bath, or walking out from the MRT station. Tonight I thought, "I would like to die." It was not a violent thought. Instead it had a particularly calm vibe about it. Like, "Yeah, it would be suitable/nice." I have no concrete plans surrounding it, so I know I am safe.

It also feels like I have a reservoir of anger, frustration and untapped energy inside me. The last bout, I got so frustrated, I started crying in bed. This time round, I just felt like I had to do something to let it out, so I ended up scratching myself. It was something I had done before in my younger days but which had not resorted to for many years. Let me describe the scratch. It would be applied with a certain degree of force, not similar to relieving a mosquito itch, but rather to deliver sufficient pain for pleasure. Yes, pleasure. It's pleasurable to me, at least. It was like a refreshing startle, an outward expression of the pain inside, visual evidence of the self-degradation going on in my mind. It does not leave any scars, merely red marks which fades in hours. It is a temporary relief of emotional pain. At this current moment, I don't need to resort to physical pain because the internal pain is at bay and I feel OK.

Sometimes writing helps, sometimes writing does not. Sleep often helps. I still have not found a way to deal with it and not let it overwhelm me. I try not to let it affect the people around me because I know my extreme neediness appears around this time. I am usually not very successful at this.

It is surprising to know who are the people beside you in your dark periods. In my previous episodes, people whom I'd thought would be beside me, did not even express any concern. Instead, people whom I did not think would notice were the ones who asked after my well-being.

You learn a lot of things about yourself when you "wander to the dark side", even temporarily. This time round, writing helps. I can feel my mood lifting greatly. The Dark may return again tomorrow, or even as soon as 5 minutes later. However, I will enjoy my neutrality for as long as it can last.

Writing

2014-07-26T00:50:00.001+08:00

The first time I heard the boom, it was soft in the night, its sound reverberating. The second boom followed shortly after, within 4 seconds. My first thoughts were what made the sounds. The second was that it sounded like dinosaurs walking.

2nd draft
The first time I heard it, it was the middle of the night. A soft but audible boom reverberating through the night. The second boom followed shortly after, within 4 seconds. My first thoughts were what made the sounds. The second was that it sounded like dinosaurs walking in the distance.

3rd draft
The first time I heard it, it was around midnight. A soft but audible boom reverberating through the night. The second boom followed shortly after, within 4 seconds. My first thoughts were what made the sounds. The second was that it sounded like dinosaurs walking in the distance.

Creative Writing

2014-07-23T23:42:00.003+08:00

The moment I stepped out of the train station, the humidity hits like a wall. The cashmere knitted sweater, which moments ago was a welcomed item, suddenly felt greatly unnecessary. When I took it off, it felt thick and heavy in my hands. Dusty, even. As I quickly crammed it into my handbag, impatient to get my hands off of it, an image of a dry tongue in a dry mouth entered my head. Yes, indeed it was so.

Edited, 2nd draft
The moment I stepped out of the train station, humidity hit like a wall. The cashmere knitted sweater, moments ago a welcomed item, suddenly felt greatly unnecessary. Off my back and in my hands, it felt thick and heavy. Dusty, even. Quickly, I crammed it into my handbag, impatient to get my hands off of it, the same moment an image of a dry tongue in a dry mouth entered my head. Yes, indeed it was so.