...sa alapaap

Waking up

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sat, 09 May 2009 23:19:00 +0000

it's like seeing a piece of heaven, a feeling no words could ever describe,
it sent more shivers through my spine, and a certain ache of love inside my heart...
it mattered a lot, because it was something special, different than everything else,
I just liked how when I opened my eyes, my gaze stumbled upon what my heart longs for...
and I want you to know, that waking up, with you and beside you, was perfect,
and that I wouldn't want to ask for more...

sana lang

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 23:06:00 +0000

sana lang nandito ka,
nakatingin sa aking mga mata...
sana lang kayakap sa lamig,
at naririnig ang iyong himig...

hindi mo pa ba nababatid, sa aking tingin?
hindi mo ba kayang bigyan, kahit konting pagtingin?

sana lang malapit ka dito...
sana lang ikaw at ako...
sana lang ang gabi'y lumipas...
sana lang dumating na ang bukas...

missing you...

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 17:57:00 +0000

the rain suddenly stopped pouring,
the sun slightly peeked, about to return
at that moment, when all else seems alright..
my heart suddenly gives in to the longing,
my mind starts to burn,
my eyes slowly focused its sight...

Then it dawns, the moment of tranquility,
a moment between you and me...

Missing you dispels a feeling of blue,
Missing you just means another day closer to you..

Rebound

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 20:48:00 +0000

Team 1: Me, Myself, I
Team 2: He, Him, You

I passed the ball to Me. Me dribbled and passed it to Myself. Myself jumps and makes a perfect lay-up...

He throws the ball at Him. Him crossovers, fakes and passes the ball to you. You assumed it's ok to shoot, the release was too early, you missed the shot..

Me, Myself and I scrambled for the rebound...

being apart

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 04:15:00 +0000

do we need to turn our backs then say goodbye?
do we need to throw away this love we kept for so long?
do we need to breakdown and let our hearts die?
do we need to think everything we had was just so wrong?

we just did...

do I need to get hurt in order to feel pain?
do I need to lose somebody to feel lonely and despair?
do I need to cry in order to stay sane?
do I need to crumble just to realize life is not fair?

I just did...

do you need to hurt me so bad to make me go away?
do you need to make me mad in order to be apart?
do you need to let go and tell me you don't want to stay?
do you need to be cruel in order to break my heart?

you just did...

We just said our last goodbye.
I just cried because I lost you.
You let go and let me die.
and now, I'm alone, feeling blue...

End of the line

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 16:00:00 +0000

You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness that I forgot about mine altogether. And just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. I have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place. So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I'd be content with that idea, I'd be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all. Perhaps I still do love you, but that won't do much now. I can fight to save everything that I've invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, But, Thank you.. for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You've taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened. A rough road leads to the stars

long and winding road... (repost and edited)

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 03:57:00 +0000

Often I wonder if it is really us who decides whether or not we are suffering. Do we really have the choice of pain? Is it right to say that our disappointments are just results of our own expectations? And if so, how do we change our expectations? How do we stop the boat in mid-stream and start to realize that what we thought we couldn't live without is all a matter of decision?? Hmmm... He has been, or rather... my thoughts of him have been, dare I say it... EVERYTHING. I believe I am thinking in non-linear waves, not as clear as I wish I could be... But I guess I was never ever clear... And I don't want to stay like this. I don't want to be a mystery anymore. Yet I am too lazy to explain myself. Or maybe I'm just so tired explaining to everybody or anybody... I know that he is no magician, and that he can't read minds... so why the hell am I still expecting him to read mine??

Today has been a very long day... a weekend full of questions and anxieties... and while my sweat was pouring out my pores, here are some of the things that I began pondering on for this day...
1. The last thing I ever wanted to do is make him feel anything less than amazing.
2. I can't keep on apologizing for my past nor my present. My past, I need that to learn from. And my present, needs constant fixing from those mistakes and regrets. I may not yet be a better person from it, but it is a long and winding road I guess...
3. ...that there's always a chance to start all over again

4. If somebody asks you for "space", ask the person if he is an astronaut, and then tell him, "get your spaceship outta here and go to space alone"
5. Sometimes when you're angry, you have all the right to be angry. But that doesn't give you any right to be cruel
6. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have
7. Two people can look at the same thing and yet see something totally different
8. Sometimes, bad things just happen. No reason, no purpose. They just occur and we're left to pick up the pieces the best we can
9. You don't always have to pretend to be strong. There's no need to prove all the time that everything is going well
10. Love and love until it hurts... Love and love, until it hurts no more

After contemplating.. I suddenly see myself reminiscing.. About life, love.. About Him... I remembered that there has always been a subtle light, that seems to flow from him. It was warm and unblinding. A naked flame, both dangerous and delicate at the same time.. Back then, I thought I had mastered my balance between my mind and heart. But, I guess I was wrong. I was always wrong. One moment, I am basking in the wisdom of a bible-verse or a quotation or an anecdote, being smart, full of logic and reason... And then the next minute, I find myself at the bottom of my sixth bottle of beer, doing crazy stuff, saying stupid things... crazy huh!? All these things, because of him... or come to think of it, was it just because of me?

There was quite a few sleepless nights, but most of the nights are full of dreams, a longing... I remembered one vivid dream... that I was dancing, and we're dancing together. And the night made its music from its darkness. I was clumsy and unsure of my own feet - but he didn't care. And that, for me, made me feel I was the most graceful of all the swans in the whole world, a perfect feeling I wouldn't forget... But then, I wake up... and that was the first and last time I would hear that song...

I think sometimes I wear my heart like a cologne. A scent that's hauntingly sweet and lingers long after I left the room. And then I'm gone. The scent of love fades... And I see the cling-and-clutter on my desk, and all the mess I've made becomes suddenly so depressing and frustrating... And I suddenly find myself, staring at my dad's coffee.. Then, I found truth in coffee.. This is probably the reason why I was never fond of drinking it. COFFEE and LIFE... It is a dark, bitter liquid which sobers ones spirit. Sometimes, when rushing to drink it, it would scald your tongue. It was always up to you how sweet it would taste by mixing sugar and milk on it. And this complexity is why I prefer starbucks coffee. Because you get to choose your own coffee, without worrying about its taste. Less complicated, too easy... why can't everyday be that way??

Maybe I should just gather all my metaphors and take them home.. He would put me to sleep and He would also wake me... although he was never really there... physically that is... And despite the fact that everything contradicts this, despite my sadness and my feelings of impotence, despite being almost convinced at this moment that nothing will ever get better, I cannot lose the one thing that keeps me alive: HOPE.. Just like my favorite quote from Paolo Coehlo's Eleven Minutes, "HOPE: that word that so often rises with us in the morning, gets sorely wounded as the day progresses, dies at nightfall and is reborn with the new day... HOPE can be a very dangerous thing. But, at least it's MY hope, I own it, and I am someone with very few possessions." Then, the realization it brought me was that Love and Hope, together with Faith, creates a broken-emo person...

I have always liked WORDS. They gave me the feeling of both constancy and impermanence. They confuse almost as well as they define. just like him, they could be very disarming. He has always been disarming and never the same person. But the truth is, as how I liked WORDS, words NEVER really liked me. Because for all the times I needed them, they just didn't come to me. It seems like I could never find the right words at all... Those moments when I could have said something to made him stay, or those days when I could have said what I really feel... I didn't find my WORDS... and that SUCKS!

So.. let's look at the things I've learned and realized for today, before I end my journal...
TODAY'S TRUTHS:
1. I have no idea where I am
2. ...even less of where I want to go
3. My above-average powers of logical reasoning is completely useless
4. I can never be smart when it comes to life and love altogether
5. I forgot what was truly important - "heart"
6. I've put my brain on hold for far too long
7. Time to start thinking again... until it hurts no more
8. I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like every time you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else...
9. Love is complicated - full of sacrifice and compromise. But maybe, just maybe, that's the best part of it.
10. The wounds can pass, but the scars always remain. And you may have been through all of this before, but there is a greater possibility that you have never been beyond it.
11. I am a firm believer that sometimes, it is right to do the wrong thing...

12. Even if true love existed, everything still last, and it will leave you devastated

To be inspired - what a wonderfully frightening feeling.. I've almost forgotten what it feels like... I wanted to assume I got inspired that's why I was able to write this entry... but be it a good inspiration, or a bad inspiration... that is indefinite as of this moment...

But all I know is... I have never been more aware of my loneliness...

A poem for you...

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 07:52:00 +0000

Maybe in time I will then see
A place where you and I could be...
Ready to say what I truly feel for you
I am not hoping you'd feel the same way too
All I want is a chance, a moment of faith
Not to break your heart and destroy its state
Not to dispel a blanket of worries
Expect me to be your source of bliss...

For now, let me love you unconditionally...
let me stay here loving you for eternity...



---> This is a poem made for my colleague... 
She is a close friend of mine and I tried to make her a poem
of how I think she feels right now... 
you know what I'm talking about girl :) <----

Crushed

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 04:53:00 +0000

Then you said, "I really liked you...
But then, I learned to love somebody else..."

My world stood silent. Still. And blue.
Wind carried the echoes of distant bells...

This time it felt different. Painful and real.
Tears fell. My heart crushed. There's nothing left to feel...

Mr. Right

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:05:00 +0000

he said "you're mine"
I said, "get over it..."
he said, "but you're not over us, and you will never be.."
I said, "You're wrong! How the fuck can you say that?!"
he said, "because I am always right"
I said, "yeah, and you know what!? you were right when you left me! Because I deserve more than this..'
he said, "but that doesn't change the fact that you're still not over me..."
I turned around and didn't answer...

because you were right...

just because...

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:04:00 +0000

it's funny that every time you tell your heart to slow down... or stop for a moment... the more it beats furiously, and the more it seeks for that opening... that one fleeting moment when you're caught off guard and you suddenly lose control...

and no matter how hard you refuse to give in, even with all the logic to convince yourself not to feel anything... you see yourself enjoying each small talk, each look, each touch and each laugh.. you find yourself deeper in a hole that you promised never to dig into...

just because that one person glanced at you,
just because that one person threw a smile your way
just because that one person called your name,
or just because that one person made your day...

i know.. just because you came and took my heart and breathe away...

maybe... in time...

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 23:44:00 +0000

I've always believed that people have different views and opinions... I've always respected people by thinking that everybody deserves to speak, to feel, to love, to be entitled to whatever they think is right or wrong for them... I've always understood how in many ways a lot of things could be relative to every one...like deciding on what's right or wrong, the words "happiness", "contentment", "love", "truth", "honesty", "goodness" and "kindness" could be different to me and to you... I always make sure that I know how to listen, and know when to speak, because that's exactly how I want to be treated...

I've been through situations and experiences that a lot of people may have all the right to judge me, scrutinize me or even make them think I'm crazy, or some would be awed or amazed or probably at certain point make them say I'm definitely a bitch... some of those I am really not proud of, some I believe helped me be able to reach a certain level of maturity that I'm sure nobody has ever reached. Some probably showed me how to understand other people more.. Some made me realize that not all people doing bad things are really bad... And others, may have been the reason why I am as open minded and as numb as I am right now... And a lot, would definitely be what shaped me as who I am right now and how I treat my life and those people I love around me...

Some people may say I am loud and noisy... I am...
Some people may say I am shy and quiet... I am...
Some people may say I am strong and brave... I am...
Some people may say I am weak and fragile... I am...
Some people may say I am a bitch and an ass... I am...
Some people may say I am good and loving... I am..
Some people may say I am sweet and expressive... I am...
Some people may say I am rude and cruel... I am...
Some people may say I am good and evil... and yes I am...

But, the point is... I am me... I embrace myself wholly, and I accept myself for the things that I am and things that I am not... I can be good, I can be bad... I can be happy or sad... I am not rich, I am not tall, I don't have a perfect body or I am not that smart... But, I love myself because of these... and I choose to love all people in my own way... I choose to build relationships not just merely by saying we're friends, but basically to share a part of myself with the rest of the world...

Is this something in me that I should change? Do I succumb to differences and immaturity? Do I need to settle for something I am not comfortable doing just because somebody else thinks of me in a different way? Sometimes it makes me think that the world will never be ready for me... that it makes me wonder if I am wrong to think that I could be a part of somebody's life without actually ruining it...

That maybe... just maybe... in time, I'd be better left alone...

hidden desire...

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:07:00 +0000

there's something deep inside me that always wants to hide
for every moment of serenity that you bring to my side,
yet the more I keep it bottled in my heart
the more it wants to tear its walls apart...
a smile I couldn't afford to not see
a face I couldn't afford to loose
the touch that brings sensation into me
a feeling that creates so many blues...

a glance, a stare, a glimpse, I look... even from just afar
here and there I've been, yet I'm just back to where you are
it kills me to even think of you every single day...
cause I know, your heart will never come my way
and if by chance you even feel a single beat
I wouldn't want to wait and sit...

So throw back a glance,
or simply grab my hands,
a simple look across the aisle...
Just a laugh, or even just a smile...

Just give me that one look, a few seconds, I don't care...
Sit beside me, or brush your fingers through my hair
Let me like you, be with you and let me desire you
Just be there, you don't have to feel this way too...
So even if, to have you I can't,
Just to feel you, I'd be content...

Contradictions

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 15:37:00 +0000

I've come to realize that life has always been promising.. It's a constant change that goes on and on... and before you know it, you just want to stop and go back to a time when everything was simple or when everything was perfect..

Life will always be that one thing you want so much and yet you fear to have...

I remember...

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:04:00 +0000

Gemma: (my officemate) Kiko passed away....
Me: What the F@!K? Really? Weh? Di nga?
Gemma: It's true. He died round about 12pm according to the news...
Me: This feeling sucks...
Gemma: Yeah, I know...

Training was supposed to be just another typical day. You go to work, listen attentively. Grasp everything the trainer says. Goof around with "colleagues". And then end the day. But this day was different. The sun was freaking hot than ever. I fell asleep during the ride on the way to Makati (which never happened before). Microsoft Office was suddenly not available on all the computers (except for the super log-in of course). Something was just not right. There was something different.

And then lunch came. The news suddenly popped out of our officemate's mouth. Kiko is dead. Kiko passed away. Kiko died. Was it true? Did he really finally left this Kaledoiscope World? And then there was confirmation. Yes. He really is dead... And suddenly, it seemed that I felt a certain piece of me also left this world...

I am not close to him. Hell, I didn't even went to any of his gigs or I never even liked his network (Kapamilya ako e), but I remembered way back before, when I was still a kid, I went to a disco bar, with my parents (it was a cfc activity), and Kiko was the guest of honor on that day. Of course, who wouldn't know him during that time, when "mga kababayan ko" was soooo famous and soooo much a fad that you can hear it anywhere you go. I was excited. And I remembered how he performed a series of raps, how he danced, and how he played and messed with my hair when me and my sister went straight to him and said "HI" (o di ba, makapal na talaga mukha ko ever since). And of course, my ever favorite song Kaleidoscope World, which until now, really captures my heart... I love his pen and ink song as well... a song that was introduced by my friend during my previous work... But even though I know little of him, I knew that he was Philippine's Master Rapper. I know for a fact that a lot of artists idolizes him (hell, even Parokya ni Edgar!) and I know that losing someone like him in this world would make a lot of people sad... I did...

And I want to be just like how he left this world... a person that touched a lot of lives, a person who will be remembered not because of the bad things he did but because how he made people feel good inside, a person who is worth remembering and a person who will be missed...

May your soul rest in peace my idol...

anticipation

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 22:48:00 +0000

another day passes by
and you just sit wondering
what goes after now
you want to stop the pain,
the excitement,
the fear he creates,
and wish he knows how
yet each time you try,
you know it brings you to a place
you never want to go to...
a premonition of something
and of nothing
that you can never really do...
impatiently you ponder
on words your mind wanted to speak out loud
but this space consumes you
and then you're lost amongst the crowd
do you get to see him one more time?
do you get to hear his voice even for just a while?

another sun awaits you, for the day before is gone......
and this time, you hope... it might be a promising one

Void

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 07:19:00 +0000

As time passes by, your mind wanders, and your mouth speaks less and less. As you grow old, you tend to use your brain more and more. You tend to become nothing but dreams, fantasies, aspirations, disappointments, frustrations, regrets... and yet you do nothing but wonder, think, or cry sometimes...

As time passes by, you get use to the feeling of your current state. Being happy just so others won't know you are hurting already, always crying because you don't know what to do, always smiling because you have no reasons to shed tears, always bored because your life is so predictable. You get so used to being that way that you start believing yourself that you are really happy, you are not sad, you are content, you are satisfied, you are not alone, you are invincible. You get so used to it that it makes you believe you can't do anything anymore and you succumb to the idea of just accepting whatever life bestowed on you... so used to pretending, being good, being bad, so much that it makes you numb... that it makes you feel nothing... empty

And you scream for change. Your heart cries for you to feel something. However, your mind rejects it, and ignores the ranting from the deep walls of your heart. Until such time comes that the emptiness sucks you in... until there's not even a little bit of something left in you... nothing but just that inevitable void...

Combination

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 04:12:00 +0000

YOU:
Peaceful. Serene. Graceful. Beautiful. Kind. Soft. Gentle. Calm. Patient. Understanding. Giving.

ME:
Jaded. Crazy. Unbelievably insane. Short tempered. Tough. Vain. Jealous. Ignorant.Loud. Irritable. Annoying.

YOU + ME = NOT MEANT TO BE

Confrontation

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 10:05:00 +0000

"So what's good about life?" She asked.

"That it allows you to make as many mistakes as you want..."

He replied.

"Yeah, I guess... that explains why I thought the only thing good about it was you..."

She sighed. And then she left him without looking back...

Career Path

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 04:34:00 +0000

"Sometimes, thinking of doing new things can be scary... but deep inside of us, we always know that there's no harm in trying..." - Clifford, the big red dog

I'm scared... I'll be starting my new job tomorrow. I promised myself that this time, my next job will be different. That I will work my ass off to achieve my goals. I really want to get promoted for the next year, or years I should say. I am hoping that this is the chance I've been waiting for to actually show what I am capable of.

A lot of people really don't understand why I am not pushing through an ECE path. Well, I tried. Believe me, I applied and I waited and got disappointed. I guess it really never was for me. Well, taking into consideration the nine years that it took me to actually finish the course, it would definitely show how I'm not passionate about being an Engineer. I wanted to do something that I am good at. Something that would drive me to excellence. By this, I never meant my passion is take calls forever. NO. I am very passionate about people. I think most call center agents out there, who see our kind of work as not just something that pays off well every 15th and 30th of the month, but more of a career, we all have something in common... which is to serve other people.

Ever since highschool, I've been with organizations that helped me mingle with different kinds of people. I've been involved with Outreach, KAMPIL (which stands for Kamalayang Pilipino), and I've been a leader in YFC (Youth For Christ) for quite some time. And I've always loved talking people, helping other people, taking care of children and other cool stuff. Having said that, I really want to be a trainer someday. I am hoping that I could help more people that way and I believe that it is the career where I could pour my heart into... So help me God... :)

(of course you know, this might change if I win LOTTO tonight... hehehe)

My heart

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 05:42:00 +0000

It's neither the words nor the gifts that matter to me,
it has always been you that I wanted to see...
I don't have to ask more than what you can give,
just close the door gently when you leave...
You don't have to own me to say you really care,
as long as you hold my hand and promise to be there...
My heart does not have to fall so deep,
but take it, for it is yours to keep...

Happy Valentine's to all bloggers!!!! :)

Graduation

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:08:00 +0000

Gano'n pala ang feeling... Masaya... Malungkot... Nostalgic... Nakakatakot...

Masaya, kasi sa hinaba-haba ng proseso (to be specific, eh "9 years") natapos ko din ang kurso ko. Masaya, dahil I am certain that at last there's something I did that would somehow make my parents happy (kahit hindi na proud, ayos lang). Masaya dahil amidst the difficulties, problems and trials, napanindigan kong matapos ang pag-aaral ko. Masaya, dahil nakasuot din ako sa wakas ng toga, at narinig ko ulit ang graduation hymn na "tentetetententen..." (kantahin nyo na lang sa isip nyo, hehe). Napakasarap pala ng feeling...

Pero malungkot din. Malungkot, dahil hindi ko yun naranasan kasama ng mga ka-batch ko. Nalungkot ako dahil nainggit ako sa mga nakasabay ko na nagkokodakan kasama ng mga kaibigan nila, mga ka-tropa at ka-batch. Mas masaya siguro kung pinagbuti ko lang dati at nakasama ko sana yung mga taong naging bahagi ng kolehiyo days ko for more than four years. Sana hindi ako na-bore sa ceremony dahil may nakakausap akong kakilala ko, buti na lang at mabait yung dalawang lalaki na nakatabi ko, at nasasakyan nila yung kakulitan ko kahit hindi naman talaga nila ako kakilala. Sadyang makukulit lang talaga ang mga Enhinyero...

Nostalgic because I kept remembering my college days. Yung mga kalokohan days ko na magpapaalam na may group study, pero inuman naman talaga yung pupuntahan. Yung thesis days na todo puyatan, at todo cramming sa mga deadlines. Yung boybabs days na halos everyday eh tumotoma ng MP o kaya GINPOM at pag may pera naman, galante dahil umoorder ng ng isang barrell ng SMB draft at pinaghahatian ng mga sawi sa pag-ibig at todo nag-e-emote. Ang mga everyday tambay sa bilyaran after shift, o minsan pa talagang magka-cutting classes para lang makapaglaro ng bilyar. Yung mga "long breaks", na tipong ang first class mo eh 8:00 am to 9:30 am tapos ang next class mo eh 8:00 pm to 9:30 pm na (para kang security guard na nagbubukas at nagsasara ng school mo). Yung mga Laguna das. Yun ata yung only place na pinupuntahan namin after every semester, para lang makapag-unwind, para mag-happy-happy (bago ipakita sa mga parents ang mga bagsak na course cards, hehe). Nakaka-miss. Napapa-reminisce ako habang hinihintay ko yung turn ko na umakyat ng stage. They say it is in highschool that you meet your true friends. Well, all I can say is you can also find true friends in college. Natutuwa ako dahil sa dinami-dami ng mga kaibigan ko, sa college ko na-meet yung mga totoong tao, yung talagang mata-trust ko and matutulungan ako in times of hardships. I am truly grateful for each and every one of them.

Now that I graduated already, madami akong nakitang mga pagbabago, sa sarili ko and sa mundong papasukin ko. A lot of goals in my life changed, probably because may pamilya na ako. A lot of my priorities changed. Madaming bagay na I know I have to face with a strong heart to be able to survive this world... but I believe I am stronger now. And I will try to be brave for the days ahead. Nakakatakot, kasi hindi lang ako ang may problema... buong mundo... and because of those problems, shempre affected talaga, not only me, but all of us. But I guess nobody should be scared of taking risks, of failing once in a while. Ako nga eh, ilang beses na nga ba akong nadapa at nabigo??? But I am here, still standing... and will continue to do so. I am now waiting for that moment when I could say, "look where I am now" so people would be inspired and be motivated through me...

And I hope that day comes soon... :)

Final March

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:17:00 +0000

Mayroong mga bagay na hindi talaga maipaliwanag, pero nangyayari. May mga pangyayaring pilit iniintindi, upang makalimutan ang sakit at paghihirap na nararamdaman. Unti-unting pumapatak ang luha sa kanyang mata, habang tinititigan ang masasayang tao na isa-isa ng nagdaratingan...

"Sabi ko na nga ba, nandito ka lang... bakit ka nagsesenti diyan?" Si Wilbert, and taong ubod ng kulit, ngunit sadyang napakabait... "Nagpapahangin lang po... tingnan mo yung mga tao o, ang saya-saya nilang lahat, panandaliang iniiwan ang lungkot ng kani-kanilang buhay. Parang obligado maging masaya, dapat lahat nakangiti, dapat..."

"Wait, wait, wait... ibig mo bang sabihin plastic sila? Malay mo naman, talagang happy lang sila. Wala naman kasi dapat ika-lungkot sa araw na ito. Teka, bakit, ikaw ba di ka masaya? Napipilitan ka lang bang maging masaya ngayon? May problema ka ba??" Nakakunot ang noong sunud-sunod na tanong niya. Haay... sabi ko na nga ba, kukulitin na naman ako ng mokong na to... Sabihin ko na lang kaya ang totoo? Kung bakit ako nagmumukmuk dito sa ilalim ng puno? Kung bakit takot at malungkot ang mga hakbang ko kanina papunta sa lugar na ito... Haaay... Hindi ko na yata kaya...

"Siyempre masaya ako no!" Kinailangan ko na tuloy itago ang namumugto kong mga mata... "Eh bakit ba kasi lumabas ka pa dito, ba't mo ba ko hinahanap??" Ayoko na lang pag-usapan ang feelings ko. "Well, I have to talk to you, before everything starts. Alam mo namang ikaw ang laging nagpapalakas ng loob ko, di ba?" Lumapit siya sa tabi ko... "Have you ever felt you wanted to shout ng sobrang lakas dahil pakiramdam mo sasabog na lahat ng feelings mo sa loob? Well, eto na yung moment na yun Sam. God! It feels so good and yet so scary..." Napaisip ako sa sinabi niya... Oo nga... parang gusto kong sumigaw ng napakalakas sa harap niya... baka sakali... Aaah! Di bale na lang!

"Ganyan talaga Wil... May mga panahon para sa lahat ng bagay. We all deserve to be happy... Pero siyempre minsan sobrang nakakatakot lalo na kung di ka familiar sa pinapasok mo, pero sa umpisa lang siguro yan Wil... Kaya mo yan!" Nakuu.. bakit ba hindi ko mapigilan malungkot habang nag-aadvice??? Wag na lang sana niya mapansin...

"Maybe you're right. Kinakabahan lang talaga ako. I want this to be perfect. I've never felt so right in my decision in my entire life! Ayoko lang pumalpak." Ouch naman. Parang lalo lang niya binabaon ang tinik sa dibdib ko... Umakbay siya sa akin... ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganun kasaya. Parang binilhan ng isang katutak na transformers ng magulang niya... His hands on my shoulders - that really felt right! It is moments like this that I will never forget... Moments that I will surely miss... Napayuko na lang ako...

"Sige na, papasok na ako Sam, doon na ako maghihintay ha." I smiled. He hugged me again. Sobrang higpit, just like old times. I hugged him back... with so much love and so much pain... Naramdaman kaya niya yun? Hmmm... just like old times, malamang hindi... Papalayo na siya, and I had to call his name... "Wil!" He looked back, "Yep?" "Alam mo naman na masaya ako para sa 'yo di ba?" I saw him nod and smile... "Thanks Bes! Basta promise mo, best man naman ako balang araw ha!" He waves and heads for the church door. As usual, hindi na niya nakita kung paano ko naiyak. Inayos ko na lang ang gown at buhok ko, na pilit ginugulo ng hangin sa labas ng simbahan.

Habang papalapit sa pintuan, napansin ko na lang na nakangiti na rin ako, kasama ng lahat ng taong parang nakalimutan na mga problema sa buhay. Nasilip kong naghihintay na si Wil sa loob. May kasamang kaba ang kanyang ngiti at mga mata. Parang batang naghihintay kung makukuha na niya yung transformers na matagal na niyang pinapabili sa tatay niya...

Nag-ingay na ang mga bisita. Huminto na sa harap ng simbahan ang puting kotse. Nakita kong pababa na siya. Pumwesto na ako sa harap niya. Naramdaman ko ang kanyang tapik, "Sam, thanks for being my maid-of-honor ha." Puno din ng pagmamahal ang kanyang mga mata. "Ano ka ba! Alam mo naman na malakas kayong dalawa ni Wil sa akin eh!" "So, how do I look?" Ang tanong niya. Tinitigan ko siya ng mabuti, pero kinailangan kong pigilan ang pagpatak ng luha... "I think you always looked perfect for Wil.." Sabay kindat sa kanya. Sabay tingin sa harap. Sabay lakad papuntang altar...

Hindi nga lahat ng bagay na gusto mo sa mundo ay nakukuha mo. Maraming pagkakataon na hindi mo na mababago pa kahit gaano mo gustong ibalik ang kahapon. Totoong nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Kaya't ang pagmamahal ay hindi dapat sinasarili... Bawat hakbang ay kay bigat dalhin, habang hinihintay mawala yung taong habang buhay kong mamahalin.. At, ang hudyat ng pari... "You may now kiss the bride..."

Natapos na ang kasal, tapos na ang pagkukubli sa ngiti... Sana matapos na din ang luhang pilit iniiyak ng puso ko.. dapat ko na ring kalimutan ang pagmamahal na matagal ko ng inalay ngunit itinago para sa iyo...

Kapalaran...

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 09:04:00 +0000

Bakit kaya sinusubok ka ng kapalaran? Bakit pinaglalaruan ka ng mga pagkakataon at tadhana? Bakit kung kailan naramdaman mong sayo na, bigla na lang babawiin at pagkatapos ay ibabalewala lang lahat ng pag-asa mong pagbabago... wawasakin ang lahat ng plano mo... sisirain ang natitirang katinuan ng isip, puso at kaluluwa mo.

Bakit pilit binubulong ng hangin ang pagkakataong pabagsakin ka. Bakit pilit pinaaalala na hindi ka karapatdapat at ikaw ay isang talunan... at pagtingin mo sa salamin, muli mong masisilayan ang mga mukhang kinukutya ang kung sino ka at kung ano ang mayroon o wala ka ngayon... Mga mukhang tumatawa at masayang masaya na muli kang nabigo at nadapa... At sa muling pagkakataon, hindi mo mapigil magtanong kun tama nga ba sila... At muling mahuhulog ang mga luha, at muli mong sasagutin ang sarili mo na.. "Marahil hanggang dito ka na nga lang talaga..."

xoxo: Dati ko pa dapat ipopost to... pero since hindi ko matapos tapos ang pag-ayos ng bagong blog ko, eh ngayon ko lang mapopost... it was a time when I felt really sad and frustrated about what's happening to me... parang lost ako lagi... haha.. but then, I guess in the end I realized that kahit ano ang nangyayari sa buhay mo laging may reason, laging may kapalit, laging may pag-asa... so, I want to share this moment of depression... Not because I am still depress but because na-overcome ko na yun state na yun... :) so sa mga taong depress-depressan, just bear in mind na hindi naman lagi tayo magiging malungkot... darating din yun panahon na ngingiti ka ulit and maipagmamalaki mo uli ang iyong sarili... Never give up... yan ang dapat laging prinsipyo ng tao... :)

Year 2009

noreply@blogger.com (MAY) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:06:00 +0000

Yeahbah!

This site is currently under extreme make-over/maintenance/renovation/yada yada...

I am still in the process of visualizing what I want for this new blog... It'll be something different, something fun, something crazy, something smart, something everything... Hahaha...

This week will be a week of changes... a week of making changes.. Obama started it... And since he is now my new idol, I am now also in the stage of reformation...

Let's see how this will turn out...

Yipee.. my first post!! :)