Apparently both parties have national conventions.  The Democrats held an extravangaza in Denver last week, endorsing Barack Me Obama and Joe Biden as their candidates for the presidency.  This week, its the Republicans turn.  They have chosen to invade the Twin Cities of Minnesota for their shindig.  I have no idea why they would choose Minnesota, only that its normally so cold there, their hearts would seem warm by comparison.
 
Monday night was esentially cancelled do to Hurricane Gustov, which did the traditional Republican duties of making the lives of poor people worse.  First Lady Laura Bush and potential first lady and multiple home owner Cindy McCain spoke about putting country first in times of disaster.  While watching their speeches on the internet, I was wearing my desposed dictator hat.  Its fitted, and made by FUBU.  Originally, the president and vice president were supposed to speak live at the convention in St. Paul but cancelled their trips so they could dispell the rumor that they dont care about black people.  They instead spent their time meeting with whites in Louisiana.

Picture of a looter

Last night, the former senator, Law and Order regular, and presidential hopeful Fred Thompson riled up the base with a speech on the character of John McCain, produced by Dick Wolf.  The speech will now be reaired on TNT 400 times a month.  A spinoff speech is already in the works, starring Chris Noth.  The speech spoke about the horrors that John McCain endured in the Hanoi Hilton much more dangerous and harder to get into than the Paris Hilton.  And theres less room. 
 
After Thompson, it was former Democratic vice presidential candidate, former Democrat, and formerly interesting Joe Liberman.  My problem with Joe isnt that hes apparently now a conservative.  Its obviously that hes Jewish, being a Republican doesnt help though.  Joe spoke about how McCain was ready for the presidency and that hed make sure he didnt take off Palins training wheels until she was ready.  As opposed to the Democrats, who are putting their unprepared minority right into the race.  McCain is tougher on crime and terrorism, and, I dont know if youre aware of this or not, but evidently hes also a maverick.  Sos Palin  Thats two mavericks  Thats one more maverick than just one maverick  Normally, the bureaucratic system is terrified of just one maverick that will shake things up shake things up: v 1.give more breaks to oil and big business, less for people.  2.only votes with base 95% of time.  *Those that vote 94% are "dangerous mavericks", and 93* are liberal communists.  See: Ted Kennedy and the Republicans are running two mavericks  Two mavericks  You remember that movie Maverick with Mel Gibson?  He was a maverick too
 
Tonight, its Governor/Grandma Palins turn to speak for Show and Tell.  I dont doubt that shell do a terrific job and energize the conservative base the only way a good looking, religious Republican can.  In a perfect world, during her speech a caughtupinthemoment Bill Frist will dance up on stage and rip off her right breat pocket.  This convention needs a wardrobe malfunction and better Palin then Dennis Hastert, although Im sure hes got a bigger rack.  At some point, I imagine there will also be a congressional circle jerk around a photo of Reagan, but that might be their closer.

Sarah Palin on the cover of Vogue

Tomorow its the man himselfs turn, assuming he remembers its Thursday.  Thats what aides are for, right?  McCain will get the chance to speak infront of people hes been pissinng off and frustrating for years, but now they love him because hes the only guy they got that has a shot in hell at beating Obama.  It should be an interesting speech to hear.  Granted it might not have the same visual impact as seeing Barack speak on Mt. Olympus last week, but Im sure hell do a fine job.  Its actually probably better for McCain to speak indoors because Ive heard that the sun as degenerated his skin to the point that it can actually become cancerous if exposed to the dark. 
 
Good luck, John.  And Sarah, Im still waiting for that call.

     I would like to talk briefly about a serious issue.  I know I dont usually get serious here, but this is an issue that I care very deeply about and I do not think it would be proper to make jokes.  Maybe if I was talking about Jews, things would be different.  But Im not.  Thats not to say Jews arent a problem.  They definitely are.  But well save that for later.  No, what Im talking about is a much greater, less kosher, threat to not only the bearers of this terrible affliction but to their loved ones as well.  Of course Im talking about...................sex addiction.  The silent killer.

David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation center for sex addiction, The Associated Press reported

Actor/human Prozac David Duchovny has checked himself into a rehab facility to help battle his addiction to sex.  Maybe now that a celebrity has come forward and admitted to having this disease, more people wont be afraid to come out of the wood work before its too late. Im not sure how you can tell when its too late, but I imagine there would have to be at least some sort of topical ointment involved. 

If it can happen to David Duchovny, it can happen to anybody.  I dont think hes special.  If you want proof, watch Evolution: a movie aptly titled because theres no sign of any intelligent design.  Most recently, Duchovny has been starring has Hank Moody on the Showtime show Californication, where he plays a sex addict.  Thats how dangerous this disease is, people.  Just playing someone with it, you can get it.  For the sake of comparison, Tom Hanks didnt get AIDS from his role in Phildelphia did he?   And he won an Oscar.  Duchovny got six Olivias.

Its also worth mentioning that David isnt the first to admit to sex addiction.  Apparently Kanye West has also admitted to it, and so has that guy that was married to Halle Berry.  That had to have been a nightmare.  Being addicted to sex and married to Halle Berry is like being an alcoholic bartender.  There is also evidence that a number of other celebrities might be on the path to sex addiction.  While they havent admitted it yet, I have composed a list of those that exhibit some of the warning signs.  By warning signs, I mean they seem to fuck a lot of people: Lindsey Lohan, Carmen Electra, Bill Maher, Dan Rather, Barbara Walters, Hugh Downes, Paris Hilton, John Edwards, Al from Home Improvment, Dolly Parton, David McCullough, Chelsea Handler, Betty White, anyone thats playing James Bond, Madonna, Jeremy Piven, Snoop Dogg, and Abigail Breslin. 

I hope this list doesnt lead one to believe the misconception that sex addiction is mainly found among the beautiful, rich, talented, and famous.  It also happens to the ugly, poor, and untalented.  Its just not as fun to think about.  But not wanting to think about it doesnt make it go away.  Its real and its mean.  And you cant treat it in support groups like you can alcohol, because thats just going to increase the chance of an orgy. 

Duchovny on the set of Californication last month

There are skeptics out there that dont think sex addiction is real.  They think its just an excuse for their promiscuous and adulterous behavior.  They look down on those that suffer from this terror as if its the victims fault.  As if David Duchovny had a choice in banging a lot of beautiful women.  Dont you realize its not up to him?  He has no control.  No addicts do.  But because this particular addiction is looked down upon, we havent been striving to find a cure.  Except maybe Andy Rooney.

We cant afford to wait.  The time to act is now.  It can strike anyone at anytime anywhere.  I was typing the last paragraph with one hand..............................save us.................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sarah Palin as Miss Wasilla 1984

     Not too long ago, I suggested that McCain choose Hannah Montana as his running mate.  He did not, be he came surprisingly close.  He chose Alaskan governor Sarah Palin, who may not have her own show on the Disney channel but has just as much foreign policy experience.  Unless Hannah has toured outside the country, then less.

I do give McCain props for finding probably the most attractive female leader since...I dont think theres been any.  Maybe a young Benazir Bhutto, but after that it isnt even close.  Palin makes Margaret Thatcher look like a wookie.  Obviously this shouldnt be a factor unless male voters and WNBA players vote with their penises, a method that risks getting it stuck in the ballot box.  Ouch

Im not exaggerating about the looks either.  Shes very hot in a kind of not coveringherfaceandsayswhatshethinksbeforebeingaskedto way.  Thats right, total v.p.ilf.  Also, if elected, shell not only be the first female vice president of the United States, but also the first VP to have won a beauty pageant.  John C. Calhoun came close, but lost to a horse.

From Hot Ass Beauty Queen to Governor Sarah Palin

So it appears that the 2008 race has come down to Ebony and Ivory vs Beauty and the Beast.  No, wait.  Thats to mean.  I apologize John.  How about.......Grandpa and Lisa Simpson?  I like it.  Ebony and Ivory vs Grandpa and Lisa Simpson.  Youth and experience, knowledge and raw sex appeal.  This is going to be a tight race.  And poor Hillary.  Maybe if she has spent more time looking pretty and staying out of the 48 continential states, shed still be relevant.  Instead, she went and won several primaries, the popular vote, and attempted to make the election about experience.  Dumb bitch. 

So, how does Palin help McCain, aside from easily handing him the small, but vocal, voter demographic of people with hot librarian fetishes?  Well, considering McCains health Old and fragile for a man.  Considerably articulate and flexible for a zombie, Palin has a good chance at being the first female president in U.S. history, assuimg accusations about Zachary Taylors ovaries were untrue.  This possibility will greatly appeal to female voters used to be my favorite oxymoron that would put gender over policy.  This assumes that theyre not Republican or a Sith commander. 

Sarah as point guard and captain of the school basketball team. She was known as Sarah Barracuda.  Thats HOT

It should be interesting watching her debate Joe Biden.  I really dont see how she stands a chance of winning unless she spikes his coffee with Cialis and wears something lowcut.  Which is what I, and the WNBA, are hoping for.  Good luck, Sarah.  Call me.

Saddam.

     
     Well, apparently Barack Me Obama has chosen not to follow my advice and did not select the corpse of Ronald Reagan as his running mate.  Whatever.  Your funeral.  I guess Biden does possess a certain living advantage.  Anyway, the choice has been made, and its time to party.  Despite the fact that everything has already been planned, then again they are Democrats so whos to say they wont change their mind, I have come up with what I think would be the best convention ever.

MONDAY

The opening ceremony has to be big.  You have to send a message right off the bat.  Im thinking you have Bill Richardson kill a live elephant on the convention floor.  PETA may have a problem with it, but fuck it.  Theyre PETA.  Next, the cast from RENT comes out and sings No Day But Today while a giant picture of Barack comes down a la Citizen Kane. 

After this happens, you bring out the first speaker, Tom Hanks.  Tom talks about how great Barack is, and how much good he can do for the country, as Forrest Gump.  There wont be a dry eye in the place.  Once Toms done, you close with having the Denver Nuggets Mascot A nugget?  What kind of fucking team name is the Nuggets?  shoot teeshirts and money into the crowd.  The song, You Aint Seen Nothing Yet plays as the police enter and kick everybody out.

TUESDAY

Fireworks go off without warning as Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein enter through a tunnel and into a makeshift wrestling ring while the song Europes Final Countdown plays.  They are dressed like Catwoman and Poison Ivy Batman was big this year.  Once in the ring, the song Thunderstruck plays as WWE Divas Beth and Victoria enter wearing eachother.  Then the tag team match starts.  The guest official is John Edwards.  It doesnt matter who wins.

After the fight, you bring out the cutest, most handicapped kids you can find.  You line them all up along the stage and then Jimmy Carter comes out, dressed like Santa, and gives them all health care.  The crowd goes wild. Then he starts to talk about how Israels a bigger part of the Palestine conflict then most people would like to admit and hes dragged from the stage.  The evening ends with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon reinacting the death scene from Dead Man Walking, except Penn is dressed like McCain. 

WEDNESDAY

This night starts with Joe Biden arm wrestling Sylvester Stallone like in Over the Top, except entertaining.  Sylvester has a steroidinduced heart attack and Joe is declared the winner.  Then he runs to the stage to deliver his speech.  Along with Joe, there are Spanish, French, Chinese, Russian, and deaf translators to make sure that everyone gets the message.  At the end of Joes speech, four eagles are released into the air and fly majestically around the Pepsi Center.  Then, mistaking him for a stork, one of them attacks Senator Robert Byrd.  Everyone has a good chuckle until they realize the bird has killed him. 

Quickly wanting to lighten the atmosphere, Bill and Hillary Clinton come out dressed like 70s teens and sing the Meatloaf song, Paradise by the Dashboard Light.  After they finish, Bill jerks off into the welcoming front row and Hillary bites off the head of a bat.

THURSDAY

The main event.  Barack Obama is carried on stage by illegal immigrants to the song, Magic Man, by Heart.  As he speaks, images of doves, babies, and baby doves appear behind him.  There are cut away shots to celebrities like Jason Alexander, Leonardo DiCaprio, and George Clooney clapping during some of his best lines. 

As the speech becomes more intense and builds to its climax, Barack starts to unbutton his dress shirt and every woman in the crowd, and Anderson Cooper, have an orgasm on the spot.  Itll look like above ground footage of an earth quake.  By the time he finishes, and lights up a cigarette, everyone witnessing this phenomenal event will have had their lives changed forever.  Criminals will turn themselves in, teachers will stop fucking their students, and a previously paralyzed Panda bear flown in especially for the occassion will walk again.  At the end of the evening, the clouds part and a beam of light will descend on Obama as angels begin the chorus of Magic Man by Heart. 

Everyone holds hands, cries, and as the camera fades out, you hear the voice of Morgan Freeman say "There are some who say that Barack Obama is merely a man.  Then there are those that say hes something more.  Something special.  I dont know myself, Im just an Academy Awardwinning actor, but I think if you take a close look, youll see that not just anybody can create this kind of unity.  Think about that.  Im Morgan Freeman. "

Best Convention Ever.

With the Democratic National Convention taking place in Denver next week, it is widely believed that Barack, the presumptive nominee unless Hillary stages a coup, will name his candidate for vice president soon.  His rival, John McCain has also yet to name his running partner, but is expected to reveal it sometime before he forgets who it is.  I would like to take this time before each candidate has come out with their choice to make some suggestions as to who I think would greatly help these two men. 

Ill start with McCain first. 

John, youre old.  Its not your fault, and you cant do much to help that.  Obama is very big with the younger voters.  You need someone that can help tip the balance back in your favor.  Which is why my pick for you is Hannah Montana. 

I dont know if shes technically old enough.  Like Bush, I havent read your Constitution, so Im not sure but it wouldnt be the first time its been ignored.  Now would be the perfect time to announce her as her concert movie DVD, The Best of Both Worlds, is being released this week.  Sure it sucks, but people like sucky.  How else can you explain more than one episode of According to Jim?

Think about it, John.  You have foreign policy covered.  What you need to work on is the economy.  Hannah Montana is on every shirt, tote bag, lunch box my onetime porno actor name sticker, jacket, cell phone case, poster, key chain, coloring book, and the mind of every straight pedophile gays prefer the Jonas Brothers.  Face it, Hannah Montana is Americas economy.  And shes a vast improvement over the much more controversial, confrontational, and cranky Dick Cheney, though they probably make the same amount of money.  And she wont shoot you in the face.

If you have any bad news to deliver, Hannah can do it.  Shell make it into a song, and turn the depressing news into a gold record.  "Things could be better with Iran, I know, but that doesnt mean you cant watch my show.  Were in a lot of debt and losing Afghanistan, but watch my show?  Sure you can"  See what I mean? Then, if you want, you can ditch her after you get elected.  Just pretend shes your first wife which she could be if you both went to the Yearning For Zion Ranch.

Which brings me to Barack. 

You have no problem with the youth vote, so no Hannah Montana for you.  And keep her away from R. Kelly.  Whats your shortcoming?  Inexperience.  No ones doubting your smarts, but youve only been in the Senate for one term.  You need someone that has a lot of experience when it comes to international affairs.  Which is why I suggest you run with the corpse of Ronald Reagan.  Face it, you could probably handle most of the issues yourself.  Ronnie would just be there to siphon off votes from McCain.  John can compare his policy views with Reagan all he likes, if you actually have the man or whats left, you have the edge. 

Im sure a lot of diehard Republicans would vote for the corpse of Reagan over most candidates anyway, and now you can use that for your advantage.  Just prop him up in the corner, hit him with some febreeze every now and then, and enjoy the sudden jump in the polls.  For outside speeches, you could put sunglasses on him, a Hawaiian shirt perhaps.  Itll be like Weekend at Bernies, except running a country.  Of course, if something happened to you, things might get a little complicated, but thats why you sit behind Regan when you ride through Dallas. 

Reagan was someone that people felt they could trust.  Im sure some of your greatest detractors think that Ronald Reagan wouldnt be caught dead with you, but in this case, theyd be wrong wouldnt they?  You could mail him to other countries to conduct diplomacy.  When it comes to breaking ties in the Senate, You stand him up then let go. If he falls to the left?  Thats a aye.  If he falls to the right, nay. Backward and forward falls result in another attempt.  Id watch that shit on CSPAN. 

I hope you take these choices to heart.  I spent an awful lot of thought on them.  Should you chose to instead pick people that are qualified/alive, thats ultimately your choice.  Good luck, gentlemen.
 

As the election for U.S. president picks up between John McCain and Barack Me Obama, both parties have continued the trend of going negative to help turn off voters to their opponent.  I admire this strategy, but its not enough.  In my Iraq, negative campaigning meant killing fools dumb enough to challenge me.  Much more effective. I have found that an opponents likelihood of defeating me went down drastically after they died of an explosion due to natural causes.

But since McCain and Obama have chosen not to go to this extreme though successful method yet, I am left with no other option except to give the perspective candidates some advice on negative campaigning.  First, Ill start with McCain.  Can you hear me, John?  Good.  Its going to be a little tricky for you.  Barack has given you a lot to work with, but you dont want to come off as racist even though that would guarantee you the KKK and country club votes.  I would also be hesitant to mention the fact that his middle name is Hussein.  I imagine the American voters would realize that there are few things he and I have in common, aside from a wicked jump shot, the occasional cigarette, and our secret love of Michelle Pfeiffer.  I rarely watch Dangerous Minds with my pants on.

So what can you attack him with?  How about the fact that hes like 10 years old.  Hes a baby.  One term in the senate.  Compared to you, hes practically a fetus which I might mention, hes ok with killing.  Thatll rally the religious "Barack Obama: If his mom thought like him, he wouldnt be here".  If that doesnt work, why not portray him as being too soft on terror.  If theres one thing babies have in common, theyre soft on international terrorists.  If theres two things babies have in common, theyre also fond of blankets.

What about you, Barack?  Go after McCains age.  Even if you destroy him, its not like hell remember.  Its a dangerous thing to give someone that old so much power and authority.  What if wakes up cranky one day and decides North Korea needs a "spanking"?  Can you really risk leaving a country in the hands of Grandpa Simpson?  What if he decides to make his Army Chief of Staff a squirrel?  Sure it worked for Reagan, but how many times does a First Lieutenant Nibbly come along?  Not often. 

You could also chose to hammer McCain on the fact that hes been in congress since Gettysburg and hasnt implemented the kind of change hes advocating now.  Plus, he might have been secretly supporting the South.  Look into it, will ya?  I would chose to stay away from his war record and service to his country.  If theres one thing Americans love, its a war hero.  If theres two things Americans love, its war heroes and Tom Hanks, who by the way is supporting you.  Use that  "America, when times are tough and the going seems rough, turn to a man you can trust, Tom Hanks.  Then turn to the man that man trusts, Barack Obama.  If hes good enough for Tom Hanks, what the fuck are you waiting for?"  Ok, maybe you dont swear but you get the point.

You might also point out unpopular supporters for McCain, and you can do this right back John.  You can even use people that dont really support the other, but they seem like they would if given the option.  Some examples:

"John McCain:  You know who didnt vote against him?  Hitler."  Technically true

"Barack Obama: Everybody likes him, even rapists."

So you see, there are plenty of ways to go after the other without killing them, and I suggest you do this as often as possible.  The goal here is to make sure the American people realize that the two men running for the highest office in the land are unqualified, make bad decisions, are out of touch, care more about themselves and their supporters, would lead this country into Armageddon, and are just as qualified as Paris Hilton.  I wonder why you Americans dont vote more?

The prowestern nation, and former member of the Soviet block, Georgia apparently had a brain fart and decided to strike in South Ossetia, angering an already angry Russia.  I mean, you cant really blame them.  What in Russias history would suggest to them that Russia would react in a violent way?  This is exactly what Russia wants right now.  Thanks to getting pounded twice by the U.S. Cold War, Rocky 4, Russia has been reeling and crushing Georgia is just what they need to get some much needed international respect.  Russia is the worlds Rodney Dangerfield.

Ive always been a fan of Russias work especially the gulag.  When it comes to ruling with an iron fist, and goodold fashioned UN shoe pounding, no one tops Mother Russia total milf.  Who does Georgia think it is?  Have they seen those pictures of Putin without his shirt on?  Hes like Daniel Craig with vodka breath.  Thats not the kind of guy you want to piss off.  I know W. looked into Putins soul and saw that he was nice, or kind, or whatever the fuck he said, but you know what else he saw?  A giant bear choking a kitten.  Georgia, youre the kitten.

By initiating the attack, Russia is more than justified in using whatever means necessary to defend itself, or any regional area it happens to fancy that year.  And they are not above killing civilians.  In fact, that might be where they start.  Hit em where it hurts.  One of the most important strategies of war is the element of surprise.  Soldiers are expected to see conflict and war, they acknowledge that theyre putting their lives on the line, but women and children?  Theyll never see it coming.  Plus, have you seen Georgian women?  They make Janet Reno look like Shakira.

I hope this war goes on for a while.  Theres nothing I hate more than a short war, especially ones you lose.  Theres years and years of talk, then its over in days.   Thats like 3 hours of foreplay, then prematurely ejaculating after 30 seconds.  Except of course the other country probably wont cuddle you afterwards and reassure you that its ok, and it doesnt make you any less of a man, then gets itself off while you cry in the bathroom.  Unless the other countrys Switzerland.

All I can say is that Russia better win this one.  Theyre bigger, stronger, and wealthier than Georgia.  Then again, they had all those advantages in Afghanistan in the 80s, and wouldve won if it hadnt been for Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.  Its not a good sign when youre outmaneuvered by Forest Gump.  But I trust Putin.  I trust him to crush Georgia like a walnut in his bicep or the gap in the back of his knees.  Hell probably succeed to, assuming the U.S. decides to mind its own damn business for once. If you want to be left alone for killing these days, youre better off in Darfur, or being Robert Blake.

Ive never been a big fan of country music.  Whenever I came across a twang, or lyrics about shooting a truck because some guys sisterbride left him for his cousin I would just shake my head and go back to killing my own people.  Some might wonder what has to be going through the head of somebody that consciously makes the decision to mass murder.  Ill tell you.  Its "She thinks my tractors sexy.  It really turns her on...".  For the Baghdad release, Chesney had to substitute in the word camel.

As fortune would have it, thou, I have discovered a new aspect of country music that I have to admit is quite intriguing.  And that, of course, is the growing number of very attractive, young, women that are succeeding in it. Even the contestants on Nashville Star i.e. Inbred American Idol are getting hotter and hotter each year.  I cant honestly say the music has improved that much, but the view certainly has.  Every time I hear that Taylor Swift, it just makes my heart that much more achy and breaky.

And theyre so wholesome  If you bother to unmute the TV when theyre on and actually listen to the lyrics, theyre most often about boys that break up with them, or boys they should break up with, or boys they like but dont know if the boy likes them and theyre too shy to bring it up but if he came up and asked her out, she would like totally say yes.  One of them might sing a song about their dad, but other than that, I think I pretty much covered it.

I think Carrie Underwood like to have her under my wood.  Booyah  started this trend.  Most of the other American Idol winners and losers end up going into pop music.  Or they star as themselves in Lifetime made for tv movies that no one watches because theres something more interesting on the Golf Channel.  But Ms. Underwood chose a different path, and for that, Im forever grateful.  Ever since she joined that ranks of the Keiths, Chesneys, Jacksons, Brookses and Dunnses, McBrides, and McEntires she has had nothing but hits and inspired several former jail bait blonds to follow in her bootsteps.

There are some that argue that these girls arent really "country", in the traditional meaning of the term which is synonymous with the word "depressing".  Theyre just pretty faces used to help market country to a wider, and presumably quite aroused, public. This maybe be true, and if it is, who the fuck cares?  The public likes to be aroused.  Country music has undergone a number of changes most notably the 1974 introduction of bathing and I definitely approve of this latest incarnation.  Dont get me wrong, I loathe the confrontational woman feeling the need to express her opinion without being asked for it as much as the next guy, but if its going to happen anyway, why not add a catchy melody and a tight belly shirt.

Ive been doing this blog for a while now, and overall Ive had about as much fun as a guy can without gassing Kurds; however, there is one aspect about doing this that always pisses me off.  Dont get me wrong, Im not against all internet advertising.  Seeing naked celebrities, drunk celebrities, dead celebrities, and some combinations of the above never ceases to bring me pleasure.  I also enjoy the occasional upskirt photo, as long as its classy.

What I dont like are the millions of ads for sluts that want to meet me and pills that will turn my dick into Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Why?  Because in real life these "hot sluts" must look eerily similar to Gilbert Gottfried, otherwise they could probably do a decent enough job of meeting live men in public instead of having to hide behind images on the web.  Call me old fashioned, but I like to actually meet my women face to coveredface.

Which brings me to the dick pills.  The worst part of advertising is that it makes the consumer feel shitty about themselves in order to get them to buy whatever piece of crap youre selling to "improve" their shitty lives.  This is usually more successful with women because most guys dont give a rats ass, except when it comes to their penis. The best ads are the ones on the mainstream sites, like Yahoo that dont want to actually use the word dick.  The ones that say "Want a larger copulation organ?" or "Not satisfied with the size of your Cheney?"

My dick is just fine, thank you.  And dont you think if there really was a pill that could really make a dick bigger, WalMart would have a whole section devoted to them and guys would be popping them every ten minutes like House on a bad day.  And is that even what women prefer?  Big, throbbing, 13 inch cocks turning your vagina into chopped liver.  I always felt it stops being sex after 10 inches.  Then it becomes assault with a deadly weapon.  Of course, if that was the case, Shaq wouldve been locked up years ago.  Then where would the Lakers have been? 

Ads for sex sites arent that bad because they dont make you feel bad about yourself unless you find pics of you doing things Courtney Love wouldnt do for crack.  The frustrating aspect of them, however, is that usually you have to go on a "tour" first, like its the fucking Louvre.  And every picture along the way has their ladies completely naked, except for a tiny little star or logo on the nipples and crotch.  Gee, wonder whats behind those.  But even thats better than the fake nude celeb ads and sites where a face of Jessica Simpson is photoshopped on the body of some chick with less of a tan and a KISS tattoo. If it was a Dallas Cowboys star, it might have been more believable.  Or if it was spelled KIS.

I am also not interested in meeting gay singles in my area.  Mainly because there are plenty in my "area" down here, so I already know most of them and two, because they dont look nearly as dreamy as the shirtless NSYNC stand ins they use for the picture.  The gay guys down here are big, mean, and selfish.  I mean cranky.  Theyre cranky.

OMFG, this is the best movie I have ever seen.  And this means something coming from a guy that has watched Dick Tracy at least six times.  This movie literally has it all, except for nudity but considering that the lead lady is Maggie Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger isnt exactly in hottie mode unless youre a Manson groupie that isnt really such a bad thing.  One can only hope that this problem will be addressed in the next Batman film when Jenna Jameson plays Catwoman.

Christian Bale plays Batman finding time in between assaulting family members to work in a sequel and does a magnificent job of capturing the complexity of a Batman outside the law, not sure of what his role in Gotham really is.  Is he just a masked vigilante?  Is he a hero?  Savior?  Menace? Wedding planner?  He doesnt know.  The better he becomes at stopping crime, the tougher crime has to become to survive.  Which leads the mob bosses of Gotham not nearly as colorful as those in Dick Tracy, but whatever to turn to a psychotic, killing clown: The Joker.

Before I get to him, I should point out that The Scarecrow is also in this film, though not for that long.  Considering his role in the first film, it seems slightly surprising that in this one hes poses about a great a threat to Batman as athletes foot.

Ok, enough foreplay.  The Joker is the best movie villain youll see this year and probably in every year to come unless someone finally plays me in a fucking blockbuster.  Im looking right at you, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Do it.  Ledger is amazing, especially when this performance is stacked against his restrained, gay cowboy performance in Brokeback Mountain.  The Joker isnt nearly as gay, though his fashion sense is impeccable.  I dont see any way Ledger wont get the best supporting actor Oscar unless Javier Bardem comes back for No Country For Old Men 2: Still No Country For Old Men.

The Joker is after chaos, pure and simple.  Not money, not women, not the presidency Like Batman, he seems like a Republican.  More Rove than Eisenhower and as a result, he cannot be bought or bribed out of causing harm through knives, dynamite, guns, and pencils. Yes, pencils.  That scene gave me a boner.  No lie.  Fortunately I was watching the film with my movie reviewing partner, Gene Siskel and he was able to lend a hand.  Wonderful man.  How he ended up here I will never know.

But back to the story.  Attorney Harvey Dent Arron Eckhart serves as Gothams white knight, who fights crime in the light of day, in a courtroom, where justice is served in the civilized world.  A world with no room for Batman or the Joker.  In an attempt to prove that no one is above becoming dark and ruthless, the Joker seeks to bring down Harvey Dent, and succeeds remarkably. 

This is a movie with a message.  And that message is, dont fuck with the Joker unless youre Batman.  Otherwise youll die.  And end up reviewing movies in hell while Gene Siskel gives you a handjob.  There might be some other messages in this film as well but thats the main one.  Another is when Dent, in a bit of nottoosubtle foreshadowing, claims that "you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain".  Deep stuff.  In order for me to have died a hero, I would have had to have been put down at age 12, after I stopped fighting injustice under the guise of The Shah.  Puberty played a big part in that.  Gene and I give this movie three thumbs up.  Why three?  The fourth was busy.