Inner Space

EMOTIONAL EATING: DO YOU EAT TO FEEL BETTER?

2016-07-27T11:17:18Z

Do you eat to feel better (to comfort yourself when feeling upset, angry or anxious)?
Do you use food as reward or an incentive?
Do you feel like food is a friend?
Do you unwittingly turn to food when you’re bored or simply need to while away time?
Do you share a love-hate relationship with food?

What is Emotional Eating?

“When feeling unloved, facing rejection/ even processing the pain of rejection, or feeling abandoned, you want to make the pain go away. In an attempt to defend yourself from such pain and insecurity, you seek comfort and security through different means – food, being one of them.” – Kunjal

Thus, emotional eating is turning to food for comfort, for relief from a distressing emotion, as a reward or an incentive or out of any emotional state rather than to satisfy hunger.

How is Emotional Eating Different from Eating out of Hunger?

• Emotional eating may involve craving for specific kinds of ‘comfort’ food – while hunger does not. Hardly will you crave for vegetables or ‘healthy’ foods when it is out of an emotional cause. In fact, there’s a tendency to crave for foods high on sugar content or fats is more, when it is for an emotional need.

• Emotional hunger can come on suddenly – in response to a trigger, a situation or an emotion, as opposed to physical hunger, which tends to build gradually.

• You may be less aware of how much you’re eating when there’s emotional hunger. You may suddenly realize that the entire packet of chips is empty or you’ve finished the whole bar of chocolate without really experiencing it.

• Emotional eating makes you feel guilty and ashamed after having eaten, as opposed to eating for physical hunger – which makes you feel content and calm.

How are Eating and Emotions Related?

Food as a means of exercising control:

“When emotions are experienced as overwhelming i.e. when there is a belief that ‘I cannot tolerate this emotion’, there is a need to do something about the feeling. One starts feeling helpless and feels the urge to do something to alleviate the experience of the emotion.” – Namrata

It is in such a state of helplessness, feeling out of control, that emotional eating comes in as a ‘relief’ – a) more directly as a result of consuming food containing sugar or fats, which are physiologically are capable of having a calming, soothing effect and b) because the act of eating distracts us from experiencing the disturbing emotion and gives us the feeling that we are ‘doing’ something and so are not totally helpless.

Food as a means of seeking nurturance:

Food is unconsciously associated with nurturance since we are born – of being fed, being looked after and a feeling of safety. Thus, one may find themselves binging on food, when they are looking for comfort.

“It’s not an uncommon scene to watch mothers forcing their little ones to eat and the mothers themselves feeling guilty if their child hasn’t eaten well.” – Megha.

Food as coping mechanism for survivors of abuse:

Some of the survivors of sexual abuse eat a lot so as to gain weight as a means of protecting themselves from unwanted attention or sexual advances. On the other extreme, they may starve themselves of food over the feeling that they don’t deserve anything good.

“Individuals who have experienced neglect, abuse or deprivation in their childhoods may have a tendency to hoard food, as food is associated with nurturance, which they may experience a lack of.” – Ashwini

Treating oneself harshly: The lack of self-worth

“Back in the days, most of us woudl feel happy about a meal and not bother talking about it. Now after every meal, we tend to analyse every bit of it. Can you imagine how exhausting it is? To constantly feel guilty, sad and get worked up after everything we eat!” – Nandita

This tussle sometimes, is really between yourself and your Inner Critic – the part of you that constantly tells you to keep doing better, pointing out your flaws – at times keeping you motivated but often, making you feel like you are not good enough!

The Inner Critic sometimes believes strongly in either or all of the following, each of which, realistically speaking, may be extremely idealistic:

• I must look and be perfect

• I must not make any mistakes

• Everyone must like me

“The Inner Critic ties our self-worth, the way we feel about ourselves, tightly to the realisation of these beliefs. It makes you believe that if these expectations aren’t met, you aren’t good enough. Thus, the Inner Critic has us on a leash, constantly asking us to strive for most ideal standards.” – Sindhura

Thus, when self-worth becomes dependent on such unrealistic expectations, the tendency to be self-critical can show itself in making us feel extremely conscious about our eating habits and giving rise to guilt.

Aiming for perfection: The role of guilt

“We live in the generation of constantly being preoccupied with our dietary needs and fitness goals. We are all very self-conscious.” – Michelle

Usually, the problem does not lie in aiming for healthy weight and then making efforts to maintain it. The issue really is the intense need to go beyond and attain perfection, the definition of which itself, can be very subjective and often dictated by society.

“Anyway once the ‘ideal’ weight is attained, we find it difficult to accept even a slight change in the measurements and if there is an increase the automatic thought would be- “I guess I ate too many sweets yesterday” rather than thinking about other contributing factors like stress or hormonal changes.” – Gitali

Instead of eating healthy or exercising most of us spend time feeling really guilty about eating and not exercising. Overwhelming guilt could lead you to stay away from certain foods for a long period and then suddenly make you go on a binge. This is unhealthy.

Thus, though one attains the perfect body, the internal story is far from perfect. There is a constant conflict within, where one part wants to eat and live freely and the other part stops due to the default pattern that is set in.

The Triad of Wish, Fear and Defense:

Speaking of conflicts, often, internal, emotional conflicts can be understood by looking at the underlying wish, fear and defense. Read a detailed article written by our team on the same here.

Typically, we strive toward attaining a wish. However, alongside, we carry a fear – usually of the non-fulfilment of the wish. When the fear becomes too overwhelming to deal with, we come up with a defense – a behaviour that helps us block the fear. Usually, the defensive behaviour is a problematic one and even though it keeps us from feeling overwhelmed, it can also come in the way of attaining the wish – keeping us feeling dissatisfied.

With emotional eating too, we find ourselves caught in a triad of wish, fear and defense that are constantly at war with each other:

Wish: to feel calm, to feel good

Fear: experiencing the disturbing emotion

Defense: eating Let us understand this further.

The wish is to maintain a calm state of mind – one devoid of distress. Realistically speaking, this is not possible all the time. Our moods can keep fluctuating, distressing events occur and so we may not feel at peace all the time. But when we do experience a distressing emotion (sadness, hurt, anger, fear, shame, despair etc.), we fear it and do not want to stay with it. We want it to go away, or to replace it with another, ‘tolerable’ emotion. Eating can serve as a coping mechanism in such a situation. It makes you feel good and one gets the experience of having a handle over the emotion.

But why is emotional eating problematic?

The most obvious reason why emotional eating is problematic is because it is physically unhealthy for your body. It may lead to obesity and other illnesses. Additionally, it does not truly alleviate the emotional suffering. In fact, a lot of self-criticism and beating up oneself ensues, leading us to feel worse about ourselves than we started with.

Food is a vital part of our existence. We spend many parts of our day with it. Our body depends on it. Hence it becomes vital to cultivate a positive relationship with it, rather than one riddled with guilt or emotional dependency.

We will be following up this post with ways in which you can identify and work through emotional eating. We hope you will use these posts to reflect upon your eating patterns!

IT’S HIGH TIME WE UNDERSTAND THE LGBT COMMUNITY

2016-07-01T11:02:22Z

(As a farewell to the gay pride month, this post is the second part of a two part series on awareness of the LGBT community. The first post in this series was on gender dysphoria. This post is to bring awareness to the fact that a lot of psychological uneasiness faced by the LBGT community is due to the attitudes of the non-LGBT community. The only way in which you can help is by truly introspecting.)

“Don’t cry. Boys don’t cry.”
“Hahahah! Beaten by a GIRL! What a wuss!”
“Are you a GIRL? Then why are you crying?”
“Pink? Ewwww! That’s what girls wear!”
“Gosh what a tomboy!”
“Why don’t you dress like a girl? Walk like a girl?”
“Girls don’t behave like this. Sit properly.”
“Oh look at him. He’s playing with girls!”
“Look look! Look at how he walks! SO girly.”
“You’re effeminate. SO GAY!”

All these statements above must be familiar. Some of us are even guilty of using them occasionally or at times. These statements are used extremely commonly and are heard in practically every household. Why do we say these things? We say it because it is said! If I ask you to go back read each of these statements, and really think about what they mean, rather, what they signify, what would be your answer?

What results did your introspection have? That these statements stand for nothing but the code of conduct to be followed by girls and boys and later, men and women. Your parents said these things to you, you will say this to your children and so on and so forth. And that is how it should be. But why? Because it is said. Because it is done. Because that IS how girls and boys should act. Says who? The Society. Did a tiny voice inside you however, say “But why?”

Years and years of indoctrination by The Society leads us to believe that gender roles and characteristics of girls and boys and men and women can really be rigidly categorized. You are a man if you are so and so. You are not a woman if you are so and so.

Have you wondered what these categories do to those who are confused about their gender identity? To those who are experiencing intense distress about the same? What we see in our experience, is that they are looked at through the same gender- tinted lenses and are expected to conform. Their parents believe that it is just a phase and it will pass and they are taken to mental health professionals with an aim to “convert” their minds or “brainwash” them into behaving “normally”. Yes. “Normally”. You might feel “Haash! That can’t be so bad, I’m sure their parents can be educated!”. Got a little optimistic and happy about how easy and smooth this is, didn’t you? Sorry to burst your bubble, but those were the easy kind of parents. Easier on their children, easier to educate.

The difficult ones treat this or even LGBT identification as a sin, an abomination that is unnatural and has to be punished. Strictly. Children are thrown out of their houses, are maltreated and misunderstood and are left with no support from any area. What happens to those individuals then? They experience extreme amounts of dysphoria and harbor resentment towards their families. They may get into maladaptive ways of dealing with their stress. Drugs. Alcohol. Suicide.

Some go on to develop their own gender identities, and go through sex change surgeries. But that is a very small percentage. Scarred, misunderstood and forced to fight tooth and nail for their basic identities. For who they are. They are the lucky ones. Why lucky? Because they aren’t stifled. They aren’t forced to live their entire lives as someone they are not.

Imagine being hounded and hunted for who you are. Imagine having to live a large part of your life misunderstood. Imagine having to change the core of your being just to please those around you.

What can you do if you see someone struggling with this? You can be open and accepting and adopt a non- judgmental stance. You can try being supportive. It looks very easy on paper, I know. It is difficult to practice. Let’s take baby steps then, shall we? Let’s try being open and accepting and non- judgmental towards ourselves first. To understand why we do what we do and “forgive” ourselves if we don’t conform.

Gender is omnipresent. It doesn’t strike you since it’s always in the background of your existence. What we need to do is just notice it and then see if it is based on choice or dictates.

Do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Think about your day to day activities. Take a piece of paper and write down everything about one day, one entire, average day that you spend. Write down what you think, how you think, if you emote, how you emote, how you dress, what chores you do, what chores do you leave for your partner to do, how do you behave at home or at work, how much time do you spend in grooming yourself, how you form opinions about whatever event happens, how do you sit, how do you talk, what do you talk about, how do you laugh. And then, for every answer, ask yourself a BIG WHY.

Post contributed by: Ashwini Date

GENDER DYSPHORIA: NOT AT HOME WITH YOURSELF

2016-06-07T13:30:16Z

Every day was a struggle for him. A struggle with herself. A struggle with his mother. No, that ‘herself’ was not an error. She disliked how her mother called her Ravi. How she was treated like a boy. She wasn’t a boy. She was just born one. Maybe God made a mistake. Or maybe she was wrong. Her mother always said so.

The other day, mom hit her for dressing up in her sister’s clothes and playing pretend house with her. Ravi always enjoyed playing pretend- house. She felt she made an excellent mommy. Mom walked in and said “Why do you do this Ravi? You’re a BOY”. “But I’m not a boy”, Ravi said. Why won’t she understand? Why won’t Daddy understand?

Ravi dreaded school. For her, school meant a lot of bullying. Ravi wasn’t like the other boys, you see. She wasn’t a boy to begin with. She was laughed at for walking and talking like a girl. Pushed around and smacked for playing ‘girl games’. Ravi used to insist on using the girl’s washroom. She hated peeing standing. She hated the ‘boy part’ between her legs. She used to try tucking it away as much as she could.

One day, a teacher caught her using a girl’s stall. “I’m a girl”, Ravi said. He got a sound beating that night. The next night she heard Mom and Dad talking. “Maybe we were poor parents” Mom said. “Why did God give us a crazy child?” Dad replied, “My SON won’t act like a girl and run around bringing disgrace to the family. Fix this.” Then Mom cried a lot.

Ravi hugged her knees and cried all night. She felt at unease with herself. She was a girl. She felt like a girl. But then, why was she a boy? Was she a girl in a boy’s body? Or was Mom right? Was she just crazy? She hated herself for who she was. And for making Mom cry.

The next day, Mom took her to a dark place in a chawl. The bearded man there was scary. She told him what Ravi was doing. She said Ravi was a bad boy. That Ravi was crazy. She said he was abnormal. The bearded man looked at Ravi sternly. Then he beat him as he chanted. Said that would drive the girl out of him. It didn’t. The girl stayed. Ravi was the girl. The girl was Ravi.

All those changing pronouns in the above story must have been pretty confusing. How confusing do you think it was for Ravi? How do you think she felt when she was being exposed to a barrage of emotions of confusion, anxiety, sadness, guilt and feeling misunderstood?

What is Gender Dysphoria?

An issue explored in the above narrative is the concept of gender. What is gender and how is it any different from sex? Sex is something that is biologically assigned. Gender is a social construct. It is the society-dictated “boy-ness” or “girl-ness” of an individual. So, the biological sex comes into conflict with social dictates of male and female gender roles and behaviour. This creates an identity conflict in some individuals, bringing about intense amount of sadness and confusion and guilt. That is gender dysphoria. It usually starts being evident ever since childhood.

How Does Gender Dysphoria Manifest?

Children around the ages of 3-4 tend to indicate their displeasure at their assigned gender, state that they wish to be or insist they belong to the opposite sex, preference for cross dressing and wearing stereotypical opposite sex clothing and a strong and persistent preference for cross- sex roles in make believe play.

Children with gender dysphoria tend to strongly reject typical toys or games played by members of their gender, have strong desires to have playmates of the opposite sex and engage in games that are conventionally those of the opposite sex. There is a strong dislike of their sexual anatomy and an equally strong desire to have primary (penis/vagina) or secondary (menstruation) sex characteristics of the other sex.

Boys may assert that his penis or testes are disgusting or will disappear or assert that it would be better not to have a penis, or aversion toward rough-and-tumble play. In girls, there may be rejection of urinating in a sitting position, assertion that she has or will grow a penis, or assertion that she does not want to grow breasts or menstruate, or display a marked aversion toward normative feminine clothing.

In adolescents and adults, it is manifested by a stated desire to be the other sex, frequent passing as the other sex, desire to live or be treated as the other sex, or the conviction that he or she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex, preoccupation with getting rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics (e.g., request for hormones, surgery, or other procedures to physically alter sexual characteristics to simulate the other sex) or belief that he or she was born the wrong sex.

A pervasive distress and sadness exists across age groups, especially with growing environmental pressures to conform. This may cause immense social and occupational impairment and may lead to development of other serious mental health concerns and even suicidal tendencies.

How Does The Indian Society Look at Gender Dysphoria?

Most of us would consider this wrong. Something abnormal. Something to be shunned and punished. Strictly. It is seen as something unnatural. Something that we are not accustomed to seeing. And hence it creates a lot of anxiety in us. If you ask someone, or even ask yourself, what makes a boy, a boy, what answer will you get? He walks like one, dresses like one, “ACTS” like a boy.

But who made these categories? Who decided how we will act? Us. The society. Where then, is choice? Can our lives really be rigidly categorized? Can there really be objectivity when it comes to this? Can our psychological, emotional and behavioural make-up and repertoire really be limited to and by a few words? How is the person’s right to choose, bad? Are there really strict guidelines or criteria for how we SHOULD be?

Remember, gender is a social construct. We created it. We were told by our parents and their parents before that and we will tell our children that “You are boy only if you are so and so” “You are not a girl if you act this way”. Think about your children. Think about how you teach them in obvious and subtle ways what they should be. Are we not limiting them? Are we not curtailing their growth as a holistic person? Are we not causing intense distress in them if they accidently “fail” to be what we dictate?

The society decided this was right and this was wrong. Is the society always right?

Post Contributed by: Ashwini Date

ARE YOU GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP?

2016-05-13T09:11:06Z

May is Better Sleep Month, so let’s explore sleep, an element of our lifestyle that we don’t pay conscious attention to, unlike dieting or exercising. To put into perspective how important getting enough sleep can be, consider this: you are likely to die sooner by lack of sleep than by starving. It takes just 10 days of going without sleep to kill you and 14 days before you die of starvation.

Let’s start by exploring the complex relationship that sleep shares with our mental health.

How are Sleep and Mental Health Related?

Sleep disturbances sometimes are problems in themselves – due to long working hours or hectic lifestyles. However, some might be struggling with chronic sleep problems, which could be a symptom of an underlying, deep rooted psychological or an emotional concern.

Underlying anxiety can keep you awake: When you are feeling anxious, you will find that there are too many thoughts running through your mind and it becomes difficult to turn them off. There’s a need to keep engaging with them, thus keeping you awake at night. Over time, this can become an overwhelming pattern, making it hard to feel at rest and to fall asleep. Experts even say that lying in the bed when not feeling sleepy, can condition you to associate the bedroom with anxiety. If you are also experiencing night terrors, panic attacks and a persistent sense of restlessness then you may be facing significant anxiety related concerns and might want to seek help.

Change in sleeping patterns may be connected to depression: Sleeplessness in the form of early awakening, an inability to stay asleep and the tendency to sleep lightly could be connected to depression.

Those struggling with depression experience a sense of a total disinterest in daily tasks, a general lack of motivation and feel fatigued all the time. In some cases then, it is oversleeping (waking up late in the morning or sleeping a lot during the day) that serves as an escape from having to carry out regular tasks.

Stress affects the body’s ability to rest: Some of you may have the tendency to stay engaged in some activity or the other even when it’s time to sleep – like watching T.V. late into the night, surfing on the net, making a midnight snack, or reading. This means that there is some difficulty in feeling rested and it might be a sign of chronic stress.

Let’s understand how stress interferes with your body’s ability to getting enough sleep. In a crisis situation, where a decision has to be made, the body goes into a state of alarm, in order to act. The muscles tense, the heart rate increases, breathing becomes faster and the body releases adrenaline. By default, your body goes back to normal once the stressful situation has passed.

But when you find ourselves constantly under stress, your body ends up staying in this state of high arousal, causing problems in sleeping/making it difficult to sleep. Ironically then, though you might be feeling quite exhausted, you don’t feel at rest, when trying to go to sleep.

Let’s now look at how sleep problems themselves could actively contribute to disruptions in day-to-functioning and negatively impact mental health.

What Happens When You are Not Getting Enough Sleep?

Several studies suggest that not getting enough sleep is in itself, a risk factor for developing mental health concerns. Neuro-imaging and neurochemistry studies indicate that a good night’s sleep helps foster both mental and emotional resilience, while chronic sleep disturbances, if left untreated, increases negative thinking and emotional vulnerability.

Here are some ways in which sleep deprivation can have a crucial impact on our overall functioning:

1. It causes disruption in forming of memories:
Research shows that even when sleep-deprived for just one night, people are more likely create false memories of events observed. This is because, during the night, various sleep cycles play a role in ‘consolidating’ memories in the mind. Conversely, experts advise taking a nap right after going through material that you need to memorize, in order to remember it better.

2. Lack of sleep makes you more anxious:
If you are a natural worrier, not getting enough sleep can make you more anxious. A 2007 study found that sleep-deprived brains were 60 percent more reactive to negative and disturbing images. Researchers from the University of California, Berkeley, found that when a person is sleep-deprived, activity in the amygdala (the primitive part of the brain, responsible for emotional processing and looking out for threats) is increased.

3. It makes you more prone to making risky decisions:
When you are sleep deprived, it feels like you aren’t able to think clearly. That’s because lack of sleep hurts cognitive processes of attention, concentration, reasoning, and problem solving, thus increasing your chances of getting into impulsive, uninhibited behavior.

4. Cumulative sleep deprivation builds a sleep debt:
Ideally, most adults need around seven to nine hours of sleep each night for optimum performance and health. When you are not getting enough sleep, you accumulate something called as a sleep debt. Now, the common understanding most people have is that you can always ‘make up’ for lost sleep on the weekends or ‘once the deadline is over’.

However, that’s not true – you cannot reverse the impact of the lost sleep. What this means is that, if you mostly stayed up a couple of days or a week and instead slept in Saturday and Sunday doesn’t mean you’ll be entirely sharp Monday morning. The sleep that you missed out on during the week already affected your attention levels, which cannot be entirely reversed by your catching up weekend sleep.

The worst part is that the greater the sleep debt you carry, the more its effects worsen and the less capable you become, in even recognizing its effect. So when you grapple for long with the symptoms of sleep deprivation for long, you can hardly recall what it’s like to be fully rested and present.

5. Implications on other aspects of health:

Over time, as sleep debt increases and you go for long without being fully rested, it puts you at a growing risk for developing hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, memory loss and unhealthy weight gain.

Use this post to reflect upon your sleeping patterns and share with us your observations, questions and comments. We will soon be posting a second-part to this article that will help you learn to sleep better!

Post Contributed by: Sindhura Tammana

FEEL LIKE YOU AREN’T FITTING IN?

2016-04-14T07:19:43Z

“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” – C. S. Lewis

At times, you just know that this is where you belong, with your own close knit circle of like-minded friends.

However, have you ever found yourself in a group of friends wondering you don’t really belong in here? It might have felt like you have to try so hard to fit in with them.

Such a wish to be part of a group often becomes stronger in adolescence. For teenagers especially, it is quite natural to want to belong with a ‘cool gang’ of friends who fulfil this desire completely.

Feeling Left Out

Along with the desire for fitting in, comes the fear of being left out of the group. This fear shows itself in different ways:

Fear of being different: We dread being too different from people in the group, and being disliked by them. This brings along other fears of being alone, of being ridiculed, and so on. It can make you feel pressured to try very hard to be included in the group.
Trying hard to be like others: In your attempts of fitting in, you may try to be just like others in the group. For instance, you may end up dressing like them, speaking in the same manner, and acting like them in many ways.
Anxiety about others’ approval: Subsequently, you may feel preoccupied with your friends’ tastes and preferences. You may keep thinking about whether your decisions will be approved by the group or will they abandon you for making your choices.

Feeling Trapped in a Cycle of Anxiety

Trying too hard to be like others, can take away from the uniqueness. We may gradually become less aware of our own likes, needs, and preferences.

This in turn makes us look like “wanna-be’s”. In your desperation of fitting in the group, you may feel compelled to try so hard to be like them that ultimately they dislike you for this.

The fear of being judged and rejected by your friends often outweighs the wish to be with them. You may feel intimidated by them, instead of having fun with them. This fear of being disowned by them then increases, and you may end up trying more desperately to fit in with them.

This cycle then keeps going on, as you waver between desperation and fear. So, instead of desperately doing those things that keep this fear alive, you could perhaps try and find other ways to fulfil your wish of being in a treasured friend circle.

A Healthier Way to Feeling Belonged

Embrace Individual Differences:

Usually, it is hard to align with a group entirely. This is because a group is made of diverse individuals. Each one brings in some element of his/her unique identity to the group, which makes the interactions more dynamic. Any group of friends has individuals playing a different role in the group. Following are some of the roles typically found in many friends groups:

the quick-wit who always has something funny to say;
the prankster who sets you up in a practical joke;
the one who is the centre of all such jokes;
the quiet one who speaks only when needed
the sociable one who knows almost everyone in the college
a very dynamic group may also have the sentimental person, the calm person, the nerd, the geek, and so on

Appreciate your own Uniqueness:

In the popular sitcom FRIENDS, the group is so diverse that each person is different, special and funny. All of them contribute to the group in their own unique ways. Their dynamics is what makes it fun to watch the show!

It is thus very important to identify your own role in the group. It may help to think along these lines:

What is your role in the group?
What unique idea are you bringing into the group?
What makes you part of the group, and yet a very unique individual?
What makes you feel connected with members in group?
What is different about you – qualities that you have particular?

Even though we may bond on our similarities, what keeps us going is the uniqueness that each one brings into our circle. When different individuals come together, their unique perspectives make the group a dynamic entity. This enhances the bonds between individuals in it.

It is thus very essential to be aware of your own needs, your unique tastes, inclinations, and so on. Being your unique self makes space for fitting in with a group in a healthy way.

It is hard to carve out a niche for yourself in the group, unless you know in what ways you are ready to be a part of it, what roles you would prefer playing, in the group.

Post contributed by: Namrata Suresh

THE COUNSELLING PROCESS: USING PLATO’S METAPHOR

2016-03-17T06:53:14Z

Like the mythical bird phoenix that rises again from its own ashes, we have an innate potential to grow from our suffering.

Opting for Counselling: Reaching Out

In moving towards growth, suffering often prompts us to reach out to others. This reaching out for help during difficult times is very innate in us living beings, given our survival instinct. Even animals cry for help to seek aid from its kind when in distress.

People often seek therapy when they feel powerless in face of difficulties they are experiencing in life. Usually one seeks counselling after one has exhausted other alternatives: talking to friends and mentors, seeking practical advice, making lifestyle changes, changing jobs/careers, employing self-help techniques etc.

Often, despite several attempts to take charge of the situation, certain core issues seem to persist/recur. Thus, individuals tend to look at the counselling process as a means to recover and regain a sense of control over their lives and their emotions.

Undergoing Counselling: Digging Deeper

Therapy, however, is also a process of moving towards deep self-awareness. The counselling process, therefore, may be seen not just as a ‘road to recovery’ but also as a ‘path to self-realisation’. People may gain profound insights from the therapeutic process, which tends to change their view of self, others and the world in general.

Self-realisation is a difficult process one needs to make in the journey of growth. Greek philosopher Plato’s Allegory of the Cave shows us how our struggles can actually be a path to growth.

Read Plato’s Story

In the Allegory of the Cave, Plato describes how a person who is restrained in a dark cave for his entire life would feel when unchained and let out in the light of the sun for the first time. The initial experience of sun rays would be agonisingly painful and blinding to his unaccustomed eyes, and he would want to draw himself away from it. However, as he grows used to it, he is able to see the world in a new light, both literally and figuratively.

Counselling Outcomes: Coming to Terms with Change

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. – Carl Rogers

The counselling process can be very similar to the way in which Plato’s story unfolds. People, during therapy, may develop new perspectives, which may be difficult initially to fully accept or understand. One may want to go back and find comfort in the older realities than experience and accept the doubts and uncertainties that are inherent to change.

However, when they persist, people not only develop a fresh outlook to their lives, but also become more resilient in the process. They learn to tolerate and accept their experiences by discovering the sheer strength of their endurance.

In the story, Plato then describes how change in one man’s vision of the world, makes the others re-examine their perspectives. The others who are still chained in the cave become aware of their freedom to choose to view their world differently. It gives them the choice to continue believing in the mirage that they have been experiencing or to begin their own journey of growth by questioning it. He also explains how the freed one feels compassion towards the others who are still chained in the cave despite them viewing him as an outcast.

In therapy too, changes that people make in their own lives, tends to have a ripple effect, and gives others in their lives an opportunity to reflect and confront their own challenges. When an individual starts making changes in his or her life, it may bring awareness to others that they too have the choice to bring change in their lives.

Also, a change made by the individual tends to inspire others to respond differently to it. For example, an individual who finds it difficult to communicate her needs to others, when begins to express them in her relationships is encouraging others to relate to her differently.

Others may feel the need to change the way they communicate with her as a result. They may express to her that ‘You have changed’ or ‘You were not like this before’. During such times, by embracing one’s own previous struggles, we can be more understanding and accepting of others while they go through their own struggle for growth.

The counselling process, therefore, seems like a collective journey towards growth, impacting the lives of the individuals who seek therapy, their intimate relationships and that of the therapist as well.

THE TRIANGLE OF INNER CONFLICT

2016-01-30T07:02:52Z

Picture this: Most of us have had a secret crush. We daydream about the person and really wish to be with them. However, when they’re around, we feel extremely anxious and do all that we can to avoid their gaze or being noticed by them. Do you see the irony? On one hand, we so wish to talk to this crush and yet, here we are – pretending to not even look at them! What exactly is happening here? Why don’t we approach the person despite wanting to?

What usually holds us back, is the fear of them rejecting us. This fear is so strong, that we act on it and avoid them, instead of focusing on our wish – which is, to strike a conversation. David Malan, in 1976, recognized such patterns – which manifested across several situations. He called it the Triangle of Intrapsychic Conflict, composed of wish, fear and defense. Let’s look at each of these and understand how these three elements interact with one another.

A wish naturally emerges out of the need to survive or live healthy, safe and secure lives. By definition, a wish can either be fulfilled or not, depending upon the support of a whole lot of factors out of control. If the wish is coupled with this understanding that it may or may not be fulfilled, one can try to work on it without much stress. However, a wish that is too strong, brings fear into the picture.

The fear of non-fulfilment of the wish, creates all kinds of scenarios in the mind, terrifying ones – of what might happen if the wish doesn’t get fulfilled. We feel overwhelmed with anxiety and begin to seek relief from this state. So now, we do not do things to aid our wish, but instead, start operating out of fear to avoid the dangers, giving birth to a defense.

The defense at first, appears to allay the fear and gives us some respite, but inevitably, takes us farther away from the wish. As we move away from the wish, the anxiety grows, making our defense more rigid. Thus, the cycle becomes more and more powerful with each instance, making us feel trapped. These cycles seem to be unbreakable and tend to become more predictable over time.

This pattern occurs across different kinds of situations, contexts, relationships and emotions. We couldn’t think of a better words to sum up this phenomena, than the ones by the wise tortoise from Kung Fu Panda:

“One often meets his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.” – Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda

Read on to get a glimpse into some manifestations of this inner conflict, as each of our psychologist elaborates on a particular variation.

The Conflict Triad in Parenting:

“Parenting in the contemporary world is becoming increasingly stressful and conflict-ridden. Naturally, parents want to look out for their children and wish for them to do well. However, this natural wish can create a lot of anxieties when one notices the competition around.” – Sadia

This fear of the child lagging behind, ‘in comparison to others’ especially, can become overwhelming when a child does not want to study or under-performs or is distracted often. The defense in response to this fear is over-checking on the child, criticizing him, comparing him to other children and so on.

Why this defense contradicts the wish is because parental criticism, instead of helping – actually lowers the child’s self-esteem and ultimately impedes his growth in the world.

The Conflict Triad in Intimate Relationships:

“Often, in intimate relationships, the desire to hold on to the relationship or the person can become too strong, leading the other partner to feel suffocated and move further away, ironically making the fear grow stronger.” -Michelle.

Let’s look at a couple, newly in a relationship. The man does everything he can to be with her as much as possible. He compulsively calls her, keeps showing up at her work place and even tries to protect her when she does not need help or protection. All these behaviours lead his girlfriend to feel very claustrophobic. She begins to get angry with him as she feels his is invading her space, and gradually, begins to avoid him. What might be happening here?

It is this fear of losing her and something happening to her leads him to become clingy so, these behaviours – instead of pulling her close to him, makes her pull away from him. He does not get what he wants and wishes and sees his fear coming close, ironically, when all this while, he was trying to avoid it.

The Conflict Triad at Work:

The triangle of conflict often manifests in team meetings at the workplace, where disagreements abound. Sometimes, during such conflict of opinions, an individual may choose to remain silent and does not end up expressing her true opinions or feelings about the issue at hand. Much after a decision has been taken, she might start feeling misunderstood by her colleagues or left out from the project.

“What happens at work is that one wishes to express her point of view and feel belonged, but may also fear upsetting others and therefore, being left alone. During a conflict, her fear overpowers her wish and she chooses to avoid any conflict – but ironically, feels unheard and left out in the end – something that she wanted to prevent.” – Kavya

Imagine a Supervisor wanting to be respected by his employees. He wishes it so strongly that he begins to fear his employees disrespecting him. To cope with this fear, he lashes out at his employees, not giving them a chance to question him.

“A boss, feeling insecure on the inside, masks it by feeling proud at being able to ‘shush’ his employees; yet at some level, he comes to realize that he is not respected by them and feels the anxiety all over again. And the cycle just goes on.” – Sindhura

The Conflict Triad in Families:

Often, newly married women in our country find themselves struggling to strike a balance between adapting to the new house and her in-laws and retaining her individuality. She wishes to stand for herself and express her true self. However, she strongly fears being rejected by them. One defense in response to such fear sometimes, is over adaptation or becoming overly compliant. Though the defense may seem to be helping at first, it quickly becomes a concern in the long run:

Having to constantly please others, can make individuals feel disconnected from their true self. It is in such situations that one hears people saying, “I have not truly lived my life” or “I feel like I have been living somebody else’s life”. Gradually, it becomes like an alternate version of yourself that you start building and living till you recognize it. – Gitali

What can be done? How to break this triangle?

Working with the Wish:

Healthy functioning is about working towards a wish with a healthy acceptance that it may or may not be fulfilled and not necessarily in the way we want it.

Know that it is not the end of the world. Of course there are things that we can want badly, but they don’t have to happen exactly how we want them to. Learning to wish, rather than demand – can go a long way in helping us deal with different possible outcomes.

Also, at times, we hesitate to even openly express our wish and instead act on our fears. If the boyfriend in the above example shared his wish with his girlfriend – that of him wanting to feel secure in the relationship, things would have been different. It is important at time to recognize the wish behind our fears and let it come to the forefront.

Working with the Fear:

Fears are not always irrational or a hindrance. Evolutionarily, fear as an emotion serves the function of protecting us from danger. Thus, most of our fears may have an intent – they may be protecting you against a harm, a pitfall. Understand that and be compassionate toward yourself as well as the fear. Practising mindfulness with different emotions allows us to be more accepting of our own selves and helps us regulate emotions in a healthy fashion.

Working with the Defense:

Anxiety arises from the fact that wish and fear are in conflict. The defense is created to quell the anxiety. Understanding that the anxiety is an outcome of an internal conflict rather than environmentally induced, could help us deal with it differently. – Namrata.

When we believe that anxiety is a result of something external, we develop defenses – like avoidance, to deal with it. That often, does not help in the long run. Hence, such an understanding is needed to look at anxiety in a different light, the aim of which would be to find a behaviour that helps allay the fear as well as does not take us away farther from the wish.

Our mind creates anxiety so that we do not go ahead toward change – the kind of change that will help us ‘grow’. Why?

“At times, even a seemingly positive step brings along with it some unpleasant feelings. A part of our mind that is assigned to make us ‘feel good’ misinterprets the situation and tries to get us away from this change, though it might lead us to what we really want.” – Kunjal.

The idea is to stay with the unpleasantness and restlessness and to accept that adapting to change is going to be difficult.

A Reflective Exercise:

Think of a situation, where you have been feeling largely trapped in a cycle, to a point that it has become predictable each time it occurs. Think about your role in that situation. Start by identifying your behaviour – and then reflect upon a wish and a fear that may be motivating it. Understand how both could be in conflict and be observant of your response to the anxiety.

REMINISCING 2015: ONGOINGS AT INNER SPACE

2015-12-30T14:17:29Z

Happy New Year to all of you! We just turned five on 26th December, 2015, so this time of the year is all the more special for us!

In the wake of our fifth Birthday and the New Year turning in, we find ourselves reflectively looking back at the work we have done in the year that has gone by and wish to share with you, our journey of 2015!

The Team

Our team underwent some changes this year. We had five new people joining us, bringing with them fresh enthusiasm!

The Mindfulness Space:

Our work on mindfulness has been picking up. The highlight of the year was the TEDx talk given by our Chief Psychologist, Sadia Raval on Mindfulness of Emotions! It was a proud moment for all of us and we couldn’t stop beaming. She spoke about how being mindful with emotions is akin to staying in the eye of the storm: the calm space in the midst of the disruption around it. You can watch her talk here:

Additionally, Sadia Raval also gave a talk on Mindfulness to a group of students at Raheja College in October.

Mindfulness Workshops:

One of our key ways to reach out to people and share the concept of mindfulness with them, is through conducting experiential workshops, where they get an opportunity to practise mindfulness meditation and gradually can incorporate it into their everyday lives.

We feel honoured to contribute to the spread of Mindfulness, as year after year, research constantly shows it to aid overall well-being.

We have been conducting these sessions since May 2013. This year also, in keeping with our tradition, we conducted the Basic as well as the Advanced Levels of our Mindfulness Meditation Workshops.

Kunjal Shah, one of our psychologists, took the concept of Mindfulness to a home for the elderly, Aaji Care. Her talk, intended for a group of 40-45 senior citizens, focused on the importance of staying in the present moment, even as we feel a loss of control.

Mental Health Awareneness Week 2015:

Each year, to celebrate the Mental Health Awareness Week, we pick a theme and have each of our psychologists explore different aspects of it. This year, we chose to talk about Archetypes.

Archetypes are basically sets of universal patterns seen across stories, myths and characters that cut across time, space and culture. Understanding how these different characters present themselves in the world around and within us could be an interesting way to get to know ourselves better!

So everyday throughout that week, each psychologist from our team brought forth an archetype to help you get a closer look at it:

Mental Health Awareness Week – ‘Discovering Archetypes’

Blogs of 2015:

Here, we are sharing with you all our blog posts we wrote this year!

Emotional Healing: Getting in Touch with Emotions in the Body

Death Anxiety: A Silent Friend

Burnout: How Do You Know if it is Happening to You?

Embracing Sex in Relationships

The Fear of Missing Out: Am I Doing Enough?

Coping with Social Anxiety: The Fear of Being Judged

Could Porn Help Build Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship?

How Stressed Are You at Work? Find Out Your Stress Score

Why We Feel Misunderstood

Reminiscing the past year and sharing our work with you has left us with a deep sense of fulfilment and encouragement to welcome the New Year with zest.

We wish to thank each one of you for being a part of Inner Space and showing your support.

WE TURN FIVE!

2015-12-26T06:36:52Z

“It’s four in the morning, the end of December,

I’m writing in now, just to see if you’re better.” -Leonard Cohen

These are the beginning lines of one of my favourite songs by Leonard Cohen. And I am writing in to you, to see if you are better. For, of late it has been difficult to be too good with the world breaking down with strife, polarization, terrorism and hate.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, Inner Space completes 5 years. The end of a year and beginning of a new one sets stage for reflection, introspection and internalization of insights that the year gone by has offered.

‘Intolerance’ is now the new buzzword. National television and social media are rife with debates – Is India intolerant? Are Muslims intolerant? Is the Western world intolerant? My attempt here is to understand what recesses of the human psyche does all of it come from. Are we truly so destructive as humans or so intrinsically evil? Or is there much more? And as I write to you, I facilitate the deepening of my own understanding too.

Each time I engage in conversation regarding the world situation, I encounter points of view that are strong, stuck and unshakeable. There seems to be a natural inner compulsion to support one point of view.

On looking deeper, I sense that the specific point of view held by one is not so much about the content of the viewpoint but about the attachment one has developed to it. There is a great attachment to this view because it is ‘yours’. Perhaps you reasoned it out, really thought through it or heard it from somewhere, found it befitting and adopted it – but now it ‘belongs’ to you. Entertaining a doubt in regard to this point of view, becomes like doubting yourself because now it is so closely connected with who you are. When doubting is difficult, naturally entertaining that it could have flaws – is painful!

And so by the very nature of supporting this one view, you have to deny the conflicting view. To further ensure that there is reasonable clarity in your own thoughts, the other view is labelled as false, loose, immature or inadequate- all words that will ensure that even considering it would be foolish.

But why this clinging to one view?

Yes, we all do this – cling to one view and discard another. Why? Because it leaves us with immense inner conflict and cognitive dissonance to ever entertain two clearly contradictory views. It creates chaos in our minds and makes us feel scattered.

But more importantly, due to our attachment with our point of view, entertaining another one also scatters our story about ourselves. A story that is carefully woven with all that we believe about who we are: I am compassionate, I won’t take bullshit, I am a victim, I am not a victim, I am a Hindu/ Muslim/ Christian/Jew….I am an Indian. Each adjective forms a deep part of an inner story. This story we call our identity. And often we are proud of our identity.

But here is the deal: The stronger our clinging to our identity, the more likely we are to be intolerant. The more we have a strong sense of ‘us’ the stronger our sense of ‘them’.

The more adjectives we have, the more groups into which we divide ourselves, the more religions, castes, sub-castes, states, languages, regions, philosophies we favour; and thereby, more ‘outsiders’ we have to deal with.

This write up isn’t about being good and harmonious world citizens, it is about seeing how isolated we ourselves feel when the world is full of ‘outsiders’. There is immense inner suffering each of us holds as a result of the strongly formed identity. This isolation and loneliness makes us further cling to our identity as support.

All the polarity, the divide, the intolerance and the consequent suffering begins within. We are the creators, manufacturers and sustainers of it.

But we are also not really at fault. Creating identity, looking out for oneself and one’s kind are survival mechanisms in built in us by nature. What is the way out then?

We need not confront ourselves with the herculean task of changing the world, but we can do something about what we are holding in us. Maybe we can loosen up our own identity a bit without being too afraid. Maybe we can remove one or two adjectives from the list that define us. Or maybe we can gently broaden and expand our identity a little at a time to identifying with humans or even better, with other living beings. Letting go a little of our identity creates space both for ourselves and others.

This is my new-year resolution towards world peace. Can it be yours too?

I leave you with a beautiful extract from the book, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:

Oftentimes have I heard you speak of one who commits a wrong as though he were not one of you, but a stranger unto you and an intruder upon your world.

But I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you,

So the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.

And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree,

So the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all.

WHY WE FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD

2015-11-30T09:06:24Z

Often, when we feel overwhelmed in our day to day lives, we wish to share our feelings, thoughts and perspectives with people who are part of our lives. We share these for several reasons – to feel validated, to find an emotional release, to ‘sort things out’ as we speak, and so on.

Underlying many of these reasons is the need to be understood. However, sometimes it feels like they have misunderstood us, or have not completely understood. The feeling of being constantly misunderstood by people close to us can deeply impact us.

How it feels to be misunderstood

Despite repeated attempts to share feelings, if people don’t seem to understand, it can make you feel helpless, impatient, and angry at the listener. You may even wonder if they are putting enough effort to understand you. This could leave you with a deep sense of hurt and resentment, stirring up a sense of loneliness. Eventually, you may even stop trying to explain.

As things get piled under the carpet, a sense of disconnect with others may grow. Ironically, you may push people away, while needing them to understand you at the same time. This could harm relationships with significant persons, by confusing and scaring them.

Why we feel misunderstood

There could be many reasons why we feel misunderstood. The following section explores a few of these reasons.

1.Sometimes, people may not know how to console you. This lack of knowledge may make them say and do things for you, leaving you feeling misunderstood, as illustrated below.

a. Trivializing problems: People may not see the intensity of your feelings, and ask you to brush it under the carpet, by suggesting that there are bigger problems in the world, and that you should feel thankful to not have those. For instance, they may say, as long as you have a roof over your head and food in your plate, you should not complain. This can be infuriating, giving rise to the feeling of being misunderstood.

b. Humour: Quite often, when they don’t know how to help you, people use humour to distract you. They may encourage you to look at the lighter side of life, or worse off, even joke about your misery. This can be extremely frustrating, worsening the feeling of being misunderstood.

2.Apart from their lack of knowledge, there are few other reasons why people’s attempts at consolation don’t reach us, making us feel misunderstood.

a. Their involvement in your problems: The important people in your life may be intertwined in your problems. So, they may find it hard to hear your problems, without being affected themselves. In conflicts, sharing your perspective is often seen as a personal attack on them. Sometimes when children share their troubles, parents interpret it as criticism, rather than a sharing of feelings. Empathizing with your concerns can be hard for people, thus intensifying your feeling of being misunderstood.

b. People’s own concerns: Often, when you share feelings, people relive your troubles, and experience your pain. It may also remind them of their own problems. Tolerating their own anxiety may then be very difficult. So, they may ask you to ‘get over it’, ‘forget it’, ‘let it go’, as they are in fact trying to shed their own discomfort. This can further deepen your sense of being misunderstood.

What we can do when we feel misunderstood

Feeling misunderstood can thus have so many underlying causes, and can impact us in so many ways. While it can leave us feeling hopeless and beyond help, there are ways in which we can cope with this feeling. Following are some examples of the same:

Time off: When infuriated by a misunderstanding, perhaps the most immediate thing that can be done is to take time off. It may be beneficial to leave the space, rather than lashing out, and in turn, worsening the conflict. This time can be used to ponder about the reasons for feeling misunderstood, and to know its impact on us. This may keep us from reacting harshly, under the influence of anger and sadness.

Guide people: As mentioned, a lack of knowledge can prevent people from supporting us desirably. We can guide them on how to help us feel understood. We could tell them what we want, when sharing our concerns – do we want them to just listen, or tell us that our concerns are valid, or know their opinion on something? This explanation could entail simple behavioural requests:

I would like you to listen to me, without interrupting/ passing judgments/asking me to forget it/ making light of the situation.

I would like you to tell me what you think about this situation.

I would really like your advice regarding this decision.

Alternatively, we could also try different ways to reach out and feel understood – writing letters, seeking therapy, and so on.

Expanding network: Often, we expect one person to constantly understand and help us through all our problems. This could be difficult, no matter how close they are to us. It is beneficial to find different avenues, or more people, who could comprehend our problems. If we feel misunderstood by one person, we still have other sources to explore, to feel understood and validated.

Receiving support in different ways: It helps to believe that generally, people want to be considerate; they just show it in different ways. For instance, you may have different needs at different times; sometimes, you need someone to distract you from problems; occasionally, you need someone to just listen; at times, you want them to run errands. Different people in life may support differently. Some patiently listen, others take us shopping, for a movie, or even plan a trip; few may help by doing chores for you, like cooking for you. All these may be ways of acknowledging that they have understood what you need in that moment. Just as it is valuable to widen your support network, it may also help to expand your possibility of receiving help in ways that people are willing to offer.

Accepting feeling misunderstood: Reminders to self can come in handy, that you do not have to explain yourself all the time. You could try to consciously accept the fact that sometimes people will misunderstand you, despite your explanations. This may remove the pressure of finding ways to constantly clarify things for them.

Post contributed by: Namrata Suresh