sagaciously is...

Dating in the Serengeti - the intro

2013-03-02T20:59:20Z

...or why some of you lazy lions need to quit nibbling on mangy squirrels. This is based on a true story conveyed by my friend Aletheia Silcott, who gave a whole lot of thought to this whole Serengeti analogy - I love her for this. :-)
*inserts tongue semi-firmly into left-cheek*

I've been away for a while, dating, relating, socializing, living. It's been fun and an adventure. And with adventures, come....stories.

So here's the scenario: some friends of mine & I hit up a local sports bar to watch one of the playoff football games a few months ago. I join them late, and realize there's a bit of a ruckus at the bar. They soon catch me up, and it turns into a great analogy for the animals of the Serengeti. So allow me to paint the picture, illustrate this with inline references to the Animals of the Serengeti.

The story: My friends get there before I do - both are beautiful 30-somethings, with a focus on staying fit, as well as being career-oriented, upwardly mobile, traditional values/morals and for any brother they'd be an asset. A gazelle, if you will. Although they're open to dating, they really are at the sports bar to watch the football game -eye-candy is a bonus for them. So there they are, grazing and observing the goings-on in the dating wilderness (the Serengeti), and....

In walks a mangy squirrel. A visibly drunk 40+-something woman, with a blonde-streaked wig that was slightly askew, House of Dereon jeans that don't quite hide her muffin top, and her radar fully engaged in her search for a lion (didn't know that squirrels hunt, did'ja?). *author's note: My generation, I tell ya - some of us let that "30 is the new 20" Jay-Z lyric really go to our head.* She orders a drink, makes conversation with her bar neighbors, and then sets her sights on some sort of furry mammals at the other end of the bar - about 10 feet away. With her beer-goggles fully on, not sure she can even SEE the other end of the bar, but neverthelesss...she goes in for the kill. Or to at least acquaint herself with her future prey.

English: Grant's Gazelles (Nanger granti), Serengeti National Park, Tanzania (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My gazelle friends observe all this in amusement, as they try to snag a seat for me. The mangy squirrel gets a bit territorial about the neighboring barstools, as she moseys over to the male mammals at the other end of the bar. They look kinda lion-like in her view, so she relinquishes the bar stool, and heads over to mark her territory with said lions. Eventually, I get there and try to snag a barstool in the now crowded Serengeti.

This is where it gets kinda interesting. My gazelle friends catch me up, as the mangy squirrel returns to her seat, with a drink that the "lion" has bought her. They'd had some time to chat and get to know each other, to procure drinks and (apparently) size each other up. Not sure if there was an agreement on who was prey, and who was going to be preyed upon, but nevertheless the seeds of a vibe are shared. She returns to her seat, downs the drink the lion procured for her, then...she....in...slow...motion...begins...to...sag... slowly...down...onto...the...bar... and......passes out. Head on hands, hands on bar. She did finish that drink first though. #trooper

Ever watch something like this go down, and think - did that just happen o.O? Me, my fellow gazelles that are next to her, as well as the bartender watch this slow-motion-pass-out in awe. No drink spilled, no falling on the floor. I gotta give it to the squirrel - she passed out as gracefully as a mangy squirrel could muster. The bartender, bar manager and staff kick into damage control mode. We get free shots from the bartender for our "inconvenience" - aptly named "the crack ho" in the mangy squirrel's honor". The bar manager attempts to wake her up, then he and some female staff members walk the mangy squirrel to the ladies room. Squirrelly is now insisting that she can drive home (uh, no can do) as the manager calls for paramedics and police.

All this activity leaves a barstool next to the gazelle crew open. And the other bar mammals observing. Including the lion-looking mammal at the other end of the bar, who notices the empty spot next to us and decided to come over. The lion-looking mammal introduces himself as a Dr. and proceeds to strike up a conversation. And buy us a round of drinks. And ignore the fact that the mangy squirrel is passed out on the ladies room floor with the paramedics checking on her and the police on their way. And ignore the fact that the drink he bought her was her tipping point. So, being a gazelle and observing the rest of the jungle animals thus far, my friend had to ask:

Gazelle: "So um...you're not concerned with your friend's condition at this point?"

Lion-like mamal: "Oh, you're talking about the woman that was sitting here before? I don't know her..."

Gazelle: "Wait, didn't the two of you just spend the last 30 minutes or so talking?"

Lion-like mamal: "She came over and introduced herself, but I never met her before in my life..."

Gazelle: "So, um...the fact that y'all were talking...and you thought enough of her to buy her a drink and continue the conversation doesn't play into her current condition at all? You don't want to check on her or anything...?"

Lion-like mamal: "Look, she's a grown woman, who should be able to handle herself. We talked, but she came over to me...I don't know her. It's bad that she's in there passed out, but the manager & paramedics are taking care of her...what more can I do?"

Gazelle: "Hm. Interesting" *sips the drink the Lion-like mamal bought for her.

The Lion-like mamal continued talking a bit about himself, complimented another of my friends, gave us his business card (yes, he's a Dr. for real), then proceeded to leave. He had to walk past the ladies room on his way out, but I'd be lying if I said he actually glanced towards the passed-out mangy squirrel.

Ever notice how much a hyena looks like a lion - when you have your beer-goggles on?

I'm sure Dr. Drink-procurer thinks he's a lion. He wasn't an unattractive brother, upwardly mobile, possibly affluent, educated, and I'm sure he's got all the accessories (house, car, income, etc) that all that affords. But it's funny how quickly a self-proclaimed "lion" can start resembling a hyena, once he bares his teeth - when his character is actually revealed. Is he actually a lion? Remains to be seen. However, at best - he was a lazy lion since he swatted that squirrel down & started gnawing on nit, before he realized how mangy it actually was...

Serengeti_2007 036 (Photo credit: El Toñio)

Animals in the Serengeti as a dating analogy? Even if you never really bought into the whole dating being akin to the hunting/gathering metaphors, the Serengeti analogy kind of works. Take an environment (the Serengeti - or a sports bar/nightclub/dating website/party/etc.). Add in the locals (wildlife if you will - whether it's animals in the Serengeti or humans interacting at a party). You'll come up with a cast of characters - some common attributes (they're all furry, warm-blooded and looking for...sustenance...lol). And some differentiators (what they're actually looking for - love - lust - breeding ground - prey). You can start seeing how the characters take on certain characteristics...beginning to resemble certain species. There are lions, tigers, panthers, cougars....gazelles & antelopes...zebras, giraffes, hyenas & dingos...bushrats and squirrels. All kinds of wildlife...lol. And some of those folks are a bit, er - confused about whether they're a predator or prey, and which type of predator they actually are ;-)

The moral to this story: Meh...there's isn't one...it's continuing to play out in social venues everywhere. Well, maybe if you're a lazy lion - or a hyena -you want to refrain from nibbling on mangy squirrels if you really want a gazelle (no self-respecting gazelle wants to deal with a lion that will actually eat a mangy squirrel). Or maybe you should figure out if your actions are that of a lion instead of a dingo. Or a mangy squirrel instead of a gazelle. Or....

...bump it. I'm suddenly hungry for some red meat...more later... *toodles* ;-)

on dating: I want someone who wants me.

2012-11-30T21:03:29Z

author's note: feel free to play this with the rhythm only version of Marvin Gaye's "I Want You" playing in the background. Go get it...I'll wait...

... the more I think about dating, relationships and what I want, the more I think...

I want someone who wants me.

I started writing this with the thought "I don't want to be objectified anymore" firmly in my mind, but that comes off really negative. Even if it is accurate. My lovelife is a series of unfortunate events, but one commonality is that the men I've dated love/like PART of me. As an object. But not all of me. The cute part. Or the smart part. Or the sexy part. But not always all of the above. Objects, not the totality. And I don't want to be objectified anymore.

However, even as that's true - I don't want to be negative.

So here's what I'm positive about.

I want someone who wants me. All of me. Good, bad & ugly. I want someone who wants me sexually, but also wants the intelligent me. The me who analyzes almost anything/everything. The me who pays way too much attention to detail, and still manages to see the big picture. The one that makes change in their head when she checks out at the grocery store.

The snoring me. The me who likes to stay up/out late and sleep late on weekends. The me who thinks she's sexy in your old holey t-shirts me. The me that volunteers because she's blessed and feels that service is our duty. The me who believes in community and the "talented tenth". The me that has a tattoo on. her. neck.

I want someone who wants the me that cannot make grits to save her life. And the me that likes Marvel Comic books. And the me that thinks chitlins are disgusting - even if he personally eats chitlins. He has to understand that I will never learn how to make them for him. But I will make him salmon croquettes, even tho I don't eat them. And my salmon croquettes are pretty awesome.

He has to like the sensitive me. The me that cries every time I watch Shug sing "God is Trying to Gell You Something" to her father in "The Color Purple". Or tweaks the thighs of fat babies. And routes for the underdog.

I want someone who appreciates the driven me. The one who's really competitive and ambitious, but not at the detriment of her "circle". He has to be comfortable that I don't want to compete with him. He has to know he's "in" that circle. And not get freaked out if/when my driven side rears its competitive head. And he has to like the me that drives > 30mph OVER the speed limit. At least enough to tell her to slow the hell down ' cause he want to love her for a whiiiile.

I could go on, but you get it right? I am c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-e-d. And imperfect. And more than just a phat ass, an education, a decent job and a hoopty. I'm more than an addiction to fashion, a penchant for reality TV shows and a healthy addiction to Kerri Washington's lips.

I'm more than just a pretty face. More than just an icon to be idolized from afar. And I need that someone to know THAT in his bones and love all of that. Or at least have an appreciation for the parts of me that aren't easy to like. I'm human. Imperfect.

And constantly evolving. People change. When he signs up for "me" I need him to also understand that "me" is an ever-evolving entity. He has to want that too.

Because ...see...that's what I want. I don't want to fall head over heels for a monolith.

I want...him. Someone awesome. Human. Imperfect. And deserving of my penchant for X-Men, Norma Kamali, passport stamps, Goodwill runs, RHOA and $5 matinees at AMC.

Yes, I want someone that wants me.

A momentary relationship epiphany...

2012-11-22T04:46:40Z

English: Human figure with thought bubbles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

this is literally me rambling about this and putting it to paper. No rhyme, reason or artifice. This is as raw as it gets. Me, thinking about dating, next steps, possibilities and whether I want to try again.

----------------------
I'm tired of being the object of someone's theoretical desire, and also the object of that same someone's actual disdain.

I'm tired of allowing myself to be selected for the parts of me that I don't even appreciate that much. Selected because I'm "pretty" or "popular" or because my "body is banging". Selected to be the trophy, or because there's some other thing in me that they're initially attracted to...but the totality of me isn't all that attractive or pleasing.

I'm tired of being objectified, thought of as a "challenge", something to be "conquered" or checked off on someone's "list". Offering someone that one thing they don't have, yet want. But not appreciated for all that I am, or was.

I tried so hard to fit into someone's "box". To be that person they were looking for. I allowed others (random, nameless, faceless others...too many to name) to define my value. So much so that I was constantly trying to prove my value, instead of understanding my own inherent, intrinsic value. Instead of discovering or allowing myself to discover my own value for myself.

If I really wanted to share my truth...about my relationships and why I am single, I have been a passive player in my own personal relationships. I've allowed the other partner/party to direct my relationships. I let them choose me, then I try to work with their choice. Very few times in my life did I choose them, and those didn't work out very well...at all.

And I hate that that sounds self-victimizing. That's not me putting my past relationship failures at the feet of my partner. This is also me, asking myself - why? Why am I the passive player?

Brooklynne is um, complicated (from Flickr)

And I haven't yet met the person that's attracted, interested or intuitive enough to appreciate the totality of me. There are parts of me that aren't pretty or popular. They're dark. They're complex. They're intelligent. They're analytical. They're intuitive. And..they're scary. And those parts push people away. Or at least make them seek other pastures. Greener pastures. Less complicated pastures.

Why don't I work hard to find the person that's interested enough to appreciate all of me? And why do I keep settling for the person that just wants what they want, without really giving me what I want in return? And what do I want? Someone interested in all of me, adoring all of me, cherishing...all those complicated chicks over there -------->

Sure...it's easy to say "I'm intimidating". That sounds really arrogant, or like a cop out. So, I want to be truthful. I'm complicated. And most folks want easy.

I lost every person I loved but one, before I was 15 years old. Emotional distance is easy for me. Here's a complicated truth. Distance, for me, comes naturally. Connection...connection is tough. Impossible, even. At least sometimes it seems that way.

So, there's two people in my life that "got away". Number One thought he wasn't good enough for me, which was...unfortunate. And Number Two, well, he thought I wasn't good enough for him, which is also, unfortunate in its own way. Since the truth is - neither of them were interested in all of me, but the parts that served them well.

I'm not sure I have anything left to give. And I'm really not sure I want to try again.

I'm not totally without hope. But right now, I am standing on my experience. And, based on my experience, I lack motive. If you were me, why would you try again?

----------------------

Author's note (a p.s. of sorts): this is one of those thought bubbles that I normally keep to myself. 'cept that hasn't worked out so well for me so far. Time for something new.

My voice...

2012-08-26T17:21:58Z

My Voice

I used to write poetry...

random thought bubbles that popped in my head
I watched them rise in the air
rainbow colored
and tried to make sense of them
with pretty adjectives and magical metaphors
I tried to share them
with people I loved, or hated
or trying to impress
...they snapped annd told me I should speak them into life
...and I blushed and beamed and thought that those words gave those thought bubbles value

And then I ran into Pearl Cleage at Publix and she told me that writers write to breathe

and then I lost my voice.

*long pause*

I became, speechless.

I tried to write and all that came out
was frantic squeaks to be heard.

Silent screams.
Noiseless pleading.

My mind still wrote
darkened thought bubbles
that woke me up in the middle of the night
bleeding
and mashed up memories
of holy ghost sanctification and insects and violence
and being unable to articulate those feelings

See, you call those thought bubbles
nightmares. And panic attacks. And anxiety.
And I call those
Speechless.
And unable to breathe.

*long pause*

My voice long gone,
having fled 3AM thoughts occurring at noon,
thoughts of being a poet and writer tucked away.
I saw
Javon Johnson talking about
being an uncle
a poet
a black man
and then
*he took a long pause*
a long pause with his lips quivering
and he said
more with that long pause
than I've seen many poets say
with pretty adjectives and magical metaphors
he said
_________________

And my voice came back...
And chased darkened thought bubbles away.

On sister-circles vs. man-haters clubs

2012-05-22T03:49:25Z

jill_scott (Photo credit: saga_30311)

It's been a minute...lol. Tonight's post was inspired by Ms. Jill Scott (via VH1 Storytellers - get into it at the bottom).

Sister-circles: sometimes I think men are fascinated from afar by the magic those words & the idea of them hold. "Sister-circle". Women's gathering. A group of women getting together and _________ ? Conjuring spirits? Cooking the meal for a gathering? Solving family problems? World peace? Burning pictures of their exes in effigy?

Or throwing the brethren under the bus? Heh!

Man-Haters Clubs: I've run into more than one brother that was convinced this was the sole reason women get together. To complain about their relationships (or their lack thereof), complain about their men (or their lack thereof), or generally just dog men the hell out. One was convinced any gathering of women had to be a convening of the She-Male Man-Haters Club, whose sole purpose of getting together was to undermine the individual relationships of all members - AND - that each sister-circle had at least one latent, butch, closet lesbo in it...just waiting to convince the other members to come over to the man-free zone. Oh...and to bring their strap-ons with them. 'Cause clearly we all have them....lol.

Why we really gather: Jill mentioned one word that inspired this post. Graceful. Which made me think about why my friends are my friends, how we were drawn to each other, why we gravitated toward each other, and what we really do when we gather.

In a nutshell - we affirm each other.

What do we affirm?: The characteristics that drew me to them, are the same ones I think we affirm in each other. Gracefulness. Intelligence. Honesty. Wit. Graciousness. Humility. Thoughtfulness. Passion. Kindness. Confidence. Strength. Self-awareness. Positivity A desire to do what's right and basically be good. And an attraction to men, not women. :-)

It may seem mystical, inaccessible and that we share a bond that's ethereal, or hard to understand/acknowledge. But I think we're attracted to each other for the positive things about us, not the negative. So that man hatin' ball breakin' hairy legged feminist you may think exists in all sister circles? Yeah...she probably would be more comfortable hanging with like-minded women, instead of trying to convert other chicks, yanno?

Yes - we can be trife occasionally. Yes - we may have a lil inner hood-rat in each of us. Yes, there have been occasions that we talk each other down from the "oh - he don't know who he f*cking with, but I can show him" ledge, and talk each other out of other neck-rolling, finger-wagging behaviors. I'm just saying, just because we strive to do good, doesn't mean we all don't have our inner Bonqueshia. But we don't let her get out of hand.

A brief sidebar about Basketball Wives & RHOA: those shows are NOT real. Grown women don't act like this. They just don't. I'm mad I even had to add this lil disclaimer. But let me say it in detail - we don't gather the sister-circle to start drama, perpetuate drama, or toss bottles at each other. Even as we may have catty in us (some more than others), that ISH is some made-for-TV ISH, done more for ratings than to truly portray how women act in our social circles. On behalf of black women everywhere - please don't put that on us.

Real sister love: My friends refer to each other as gazelles, because they're swift, they're graceful, and beautiful to watch. That's how I feel about my sister-circle. That sista's smile, the other sista's sarcasm, that sista's pulling our proverbial "ho-skirts", this sista's wisdom and this sista's eternal optimism all come together in the sister circles. That, and some girly cocktails, ki-kiying and lots of "keeping it real" moments. And (believe it or not), uplifting men. Calling each other on our bullshyt. Oh - and trading shopping notes :-)

The moral of the story is: don't believe the hype. Or the media. Or Basketball Wives, Real Housewives. Or any of those other reality "shows" that portrays black women in an "overly dramatized for the sake of capturing rating & advertising dollars" light. We're human and full of love. Nothing mystical or vengeful about it.

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dating, the remix

2012-02-10T18:01:28Z

Yes, I totally said I was giving up on dating. Wanna hear it? Here it go: http://sagaciously.net/blogs/archives/2011/10/the-dating-fina.html

So what happened after that?: I was done. Done! - I say. My mind was made up, to enjoy life without a "man". Black men specifically, since that's my preference and I had no desire to find "Something New". So, my mission was to enjoy doing the things I most enjoyed doing: loving life, enjoying life, laughing, socializing and having a good time. Man free...or at least man "lite" - I didn't hate men so we could hang out, have a good time, but no dating and no hopes of anything meaningful.

And I did exactly that - nights out on the town, house parties, football games, etc. No animosity, no hard feelings. Just having fun and being happy. There was an occasional tug on my heartstrings, but otherwise - I was good.

And then a funny thing happened on my way to throwing the towel in: I prayed. Not hard, not wearily, not out of frustration or negativity. I prayed from a place of seeking discernment, for God to simply guide me. Show me his will. And to give me some comfort that the decision I'd made was the "right one". I prayed for guidance, because all the self-help books, dating advice, blogs, and well-meaning advice from friends wasn't giving me any comfort about the frustration I felt. And because there's a time when you have to self-reflect, and know that it's time to turn to Him.

You know what happened then? He sent me a good man. Good men, actually. Yes, plural. They didn't exactly rain down from the sky. Hell, they were right under my nose.

Me, give dating advice?: I was talking with a good girlfriend of mine about dating, her frustration with men who do, quite honestly, the least. The statistics being against black women & black relationships, how many men are playing their options, how we - as reasonable adults - actually understand this and don't fault them for this. We also talked about our "lists" & standards, about chivalry and our wants, and about what we bring to the table. It was a good convo, so I figured I'd share the highlights in the hopes that maybe other folks will get some positivity from it. And note that sometimes these ideas - they don't come from me. Sometimes I'm just a channel so that He can speak through me....

On "lists" and standards: I don't think women's standards are too high. Or low. I think sometimes our standards can be off, or a bit left of what we actually need. My take on standards: I need a person that's a reflection of the qualities I love the most about myself, and who enhances my flaws. There are qualities about myself that I actually adore. my wisdom/experience, my drive, my wit, my intuition, my emotional intelligence. There are qualities I don't like as much: my messiness and analytical-ness. I need someone who reflects List A, and offsets List B. ;-)

Equally yoked: Is about so much more than spirituality. It's about character, and personality and values. Morals, values and goals also - these are much more important than education, income, financial stability, his six-pack, his sex-game, et. al. When I think about "happily ever after" and the rest of our lives together - those things won't matter much. Money comes & goes. Education doesn't matter as much as emotional intelligence. His six-pack will eventually turn into a keg.

Positivity anyone?: The glass wasn't half full or half empty really - it was completely full - I just needed help figuring out what it was full with. I'm not going to pull out The Secret, but you know when you speak negativity, you manifest the things you speak about, right? So my frustration was drawing the exact type of man I didn't want to me. My attitude toward dating needed to change. I had to find my own happiness/fulfillment in the process. If that doesn't make the case for maintaining a positive attitude, I don't know what will...lol.

Image via Wikipedia

Any other "revelations" about those good black men?: People will show you with their actions exactly who they are - as long as you let them. Let - as in allow. You have to give them the opportunity though. So - I reached out to one "good black man" that I'd dismissed and realized that I dismissed a few of them for various & somewhat petty reasons before properly giving them a chance. A chance to show me, through their actions. Funny how when you pray on something and ask God to guide you, the results happen pretty darn immediately =)

I'm once again enjoying the journey. And I hope you are too. And if you aren't...prayer works. ?

On masculism, feminism and smart brothas...

2011-10-06T20:06:43Z

Disclaimer: I love men, particularly black men. LOVE them. But because I love them, I'd rather pull their proverbial ho skirt, than keep ignoring them when they're "on one". And boy are they on one...

The broadest of brush strokes: Men of the masculism movement make my ass ache. Seriously, they make me cringe. From the most radical ones like Jimi Izreal and Blacktown.net, to middle of the anti-feminist road folks like Very Smart Brothas, men's rights advocates and their ilk, to quote-unquote those who "empathize with women" like Michael Baisden, Steve Harvey - they all make my ass twinkle. Even your everyday average "regular" guy, whose reaction to the feminist movement is to "empower women" to pay for dates, not collect child support, cater to their every whim, lower their expectations of men and feel guilty for making equal (or more money) because they have no ambition - they all scream Masculist to me.

Image via Wikipedia

What's a masculist you say?: Masculism may refer to political, cultural, and economic movements aimed at establishing and defending political, economic, and social rights and participation in society for men and boys. These rights include legal issues, such as those of child support/custody, alimony, and equal pay for equal work. Its concepts sometimes coincide with those of men's rights, father's rights, and men's liberation. Masculism also refers to antifeminism and advocacy of male superiority and dominance.

Why did I paint the black men I mentioned above with the broad masculist stroke? Let's see (all IMHO of course)...

The radical masculists position: the women's rights movement is the cause for the destruction of the black family, the subjugation of the black man, and the creation of a race of ultimate Sapphires that dominate African American culture. They assert that the feminist movement now seeks higher status for women than for men, and as such - men are essentially deserved of free head/pussy as reparations for the gender war. Clearly, iCant.
The midde of the road masculists: see all of the above, but with less fervor. The difference is in the delivery Instead of beating women over the head with a club, they lull them into submission with a "just keeping it real - just telling you what men really think/feel" lullaby...and still demand the aforementioned reparations. iRefuse.
The women-empathizing masculists: the most insidious of the 3. They also believe most of the above, but fool women into thinking they actually like women, by suggesting that men are just "boys", their flaws are just "men being men", that men have no free will and as such...men must be treated like simple children. No expectations = no disappointment. Just coddle men, accept their trifling ways, and act like a woman from 1953, and you too will be graced and fortunate enough to land one of these manboys. iGuess.

Let me ask this question, and yes - it is a bit rhetorical: how do you empower men by victimizing them?

A clue brothas: attempting to empower men by denigrating women via stereotyping, generalizations and thinly veiled insults - always makes the man appear effeminate. Always. [this is the definition of bitchazzness]

Image by DayTripper15 via Flickr

Oh, you radical feminist you - this is why you can't get a man, because you don't understand them: I do. I understand them enough to not accept behavior that is unmanly and frankly beneath them. I understand the qualities that most women find manly about them: their protective nature, their nobility, their gallantry, their courage, their honor. There is nothing remotely noble, honorable or courageous about defining your place as a man, by suggesting that women must step down in order for you to ascend.

And let me be clear - I am not a feminist. I would never profess this. I'm born in the wrong era, already benefitting from burned bras and marches. I'm not well versed in feminist issues and am definitely not suggesting that women should step over men to lead. If anything, I'm submissive...(and yes I said that with a straight face). I just don't think that my position as a woman should determine someone else's position as a man. That's some shaky ground to stand on, because hell - what if I become Chaz Bono tomorrow? Or Jessica Rabbit? Are you less masculine to the butch me, but more masculine to the super-femme me?

I love men. Men whose masculinity isn't threatened by a color, a new position, sexual experimentation, my aggressiveness, their immediacy, or.... anything. I love men whose bones, sinew, muscle, veins, brain knows they are men. I love men whose position as a man or gender role is not determined relative to my position as a woman. I love black men, in particular.

Image by Yoke Mc via Flickr

We see what you did there: And I need them to understand that - we as women - have seen what you did there. And it's not working. You're not fooling us, you're not fooling them...you're not even fooling the real men amongst you.

I need you all, collectively, to give up this particular ghost. The most intelligent amongst you are becoming the most bitchified, and if we - as a community - are ever going to get it together, we need the smartest of you to understand this. Not the victimized you. The courageous you. Seriously. And call your brethren to the carpet. Your brethren that are in trouble (see article below), that are lost, that are underemployed, that are floundering. We ultimately need all of you.

author's note: I would never, ever hyperlink Blacktown or Jimi Izreal and give them free publicity. You want to find them, Google them. Both are known keyboard gangsters and I have a life - I refuse to kill braincells debating whether/not they're masculists or even the meaning of the term. I'm pretty sure they use Google alerts. Boys, if you do show up here, feel free to comment and if your comments are respectful...I may approve them ;-)

The dating finale: trying hard not to give up

2011-10-05T16:07:55Z

Image via Wikipedia

Preface: this is probably the main reason why I got my "voice" back. This idea isn't solely a case of perception; the glass being half empty or half full is semantics at the moment. More relevant is what's in the glass, and whether I want to drink what's in it.

Yes, I'm considering throwing in the towel on dating, relationships, marriage, partnership and happily-ever-after, completely. I've been considering it for quite a while, actually.

A bit of background: When I was 37-ish, I had a frank conversation with my older, wizened gynecologist, about my fibroids. One of the tumors was inoperable via less invasive procedures, and he recommended a hysterectomy. I was holding out the hope that the guy I was, er, boning on the regular, would pony up to commitment, so I could use 1 last egg to have another child. 2 years later, when that didn't happen, I held an emotional funeral internally for my unused eggs. I mourned them for a long time, thought a lot about missed opportunities and whether or not the decision to hold on to my uterus was wise, given my statistics: single (never married), black, woman, parent, resident of Atlanta. The odds were never exactly stacked in my favor.

What the heck does all that have to do with dating, exactly?: I have that exact same feeling again. The mourning feeling. The odds not being stacked in my favor feeling. Compounded with the feeling that I haven't enjoyed "dating" in this century. The funeral hymn is playing in the background, but wait I'm jumping ahead...

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The idea of dating has lost its appeal: It has become more chore than fun. The same stats that suggested I probably wouldn't have another child seem to suggest that I should settle. Compromise. Lower my standards. Drink what's in the glass being presented to me - if I buy into statistics that is. Or, if I buy into what men, black men specifically (can't speak to others, since I don't date them) are presenting me with.

A few recent cases in point:

The brother who refuses to "date" because he "doesn't want to waste money getting to know me". He'd rather get to know me by putting his proverbial feet on my proverbial couch (double entendre intended).

The brothas completely lacking creativity, inspiration or even thought in their approach. Typically, the approach is: "Hey, I'm not busy so if you're not busy, maybe you can come up with something for us to do? Just watch the budget"
The brothas looking for instant-

Image by ElvertBarnes via Flickr
relationships: men who "claim" they want to settle down either the instant they lay eyes on me, or when they realize I fit their mold of the "significant other" they're looking for. They have a square hole...I'm a bit round, but I guess I look like I might fit...
The brothas looking for someone to upgrade them: 'nuff said
The brothas looking to upgrade themselves: you're a solid 5 on a scale of 1-10. but as a single, black man of a certain age, with a job, all your teeth and a health plan, you're looking to date outside your weight class. I get that. But that does not get you a dime, unless you're willing to pay for it. And that doesn't ensure that I'm going to date a 2, because the odds are against me. I don't care how many 2s try this logic.
The brothas lacking in social graces, the brothas lacking in manners/etiquette, the brothas, the brothas, the brothas...

I don't mean to let women off the hook (them being "thirsty" and "doing the most" and all). And I have, at times, been that exact woman. But it's the brothas I date, and the brothas are presenting me with the glass that's full of, frankly, shyt. I simply have lost the taste for it.

Don't get it twisted: I love black men, still. But I am losing the desire to date one, in any way, shape or form.

And on relationships: I haven't had one in over 14 years. Next topic...

Image by Ryan Smith Photography via Flickr

So, what to do?: I have thought about this, prayed, slept, worried, talked to a counselor, talked to friends and have read (and continue to read) self-help and relationship books. Not the Steve Harvey kind either.

I'm attending a webinar with a clinical psychologist about dating black men later this week, and hope to pose this as a question.

But seriously, and this question isn't rhetorical - what do you do when you're ready to give up? When the funeral hymn is playing in the background, and the idea (body) is laid out on the casket, ready for viewing? Is it at this point you call a doctor for a cure?

I'm ba-ack...

2011-10-04T16:03:41Z

...And I'm not sure what I intend to do with this space yet, other than to write.

However, given that I haven't had a "voice" in over a year, it feels good to have my voice back. For now, that's more than enough :-)

Got suggestions? You know what to do....the comment boxes of the blog are open....lol

TheFinale

2010-02-11T17:02:21Z

It's an end of an era...

I've been blogging since November 24, 2001

Much of it has been personal. VERY personal. So personal, in fact, that it's become burdensome. If you're wondering why I'm stopping - that's it, in a nutshell. The joy I once felt in writing in this space is gone, for more reasons than I care to recount. But I am busy, things have changed - and I'd rather spend my time doing things, than talking about doing them.

My only goal when I started blogging/writing was to make some sense of what I was going through. And to tell the truth.

Blogging has evolved dramatically in the last 9 years, and with it....comes the time to ask myself if I need to evolve also. The answer is yes.

So, with that - it's time to go.

I want to thank you - those of you that have taken the time to read my stuff, and give me feedback, comments, email me, etc. I appreciate all that you've shared with me, positive and negative.

And no, I haven't stopped writing completely - it's just time for the journey to take a new direction.

This leg is over.

Now on to the next.....

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Dating PSA #18: Why Am I Single?

2010-01-31T21:22:48Z

author's note: even as I did this, I noted to myself that this was either pretty brave, or really stupid. Jury's still out on which...

I hate this question. I really do. I mean, we all ask it - but what purpose does it serve, really? Do we think the person being asked is going to really be honest about their character flaws, or why their relationships ended?

But I, like many people, try to formulate a response that's both honest and flattering. That reveals enough of who we are, to gain the asker's interest. An answer like: "I wasn't ready to settle down...I haven't met the right person...." or something along those lines. Marginally honest, but ultimately generic enough to not be unflattering.

And then I thought to myself, do I even know the real answer? Would my "exes" agree? And really - isn't it more important that I know why and that my answer is honest with me, than me deluding myself with that same marginally honest answer?

So, I asked them directly. Their responses? Let's go to the tape...

Ex #1::You're going for it (a relationship) from a whole 'nother view - from an MBA position..and that's not a good look....you like to be in charge of the situation, men are not going to allow that. That's not gonna happen. No man wants to feel like a bitch, and if they do - they're settling. Eventually, they'll be Tiger Woods-ing it. A man needs a woman, he doesn't need a man. And he wants a woman that will play her position. You're a Taurus and you're stubborn, you have a bad temper, and when things get thick, you want to leave. And you leave. A man wants to be the protector, and when you pull out a shank to protect him, he ain't feeling it.

author's note: he really revelled in giving it to me straight, didn't he? Ouch. Okaay...let's press on, shall we....next....

Ex #2:: Well are u pushing peeps away? U did that with me. U said things that went to u not wanting a relationship...U said I didn't really love u....It made me say f*ck it.....Dude fa real I wanted u all to me.....u gotta stop....U may miss ya shit

author's note: yeah, I did do that....next....

Ex #3:: 'cause u want to be...

author's note: don't u hate an extra short response? Like dude - seriously? So, I asked him to go in....and he says....

Ex #3:: You are a person that is smart, attractive, well educated, good lover....it's just you. Your personality. You want a man to be every dayum bit of a man when he steps to you...you don't want a quarter of a man, he can't be a half a man...you want a man be a whole man. In Georgia, women spoil men, and take care of them so good, men are spoiled.....men aren't trying to be that old-skool, back in the day man....times have changed, and you aren't going to meet the types of men your mama met. Women tend to look for a man like their dad...and a lot of brothers now can't live up to that. And it's easier to deal with a woman who will settle. You have to take a man where he is. But you? You take one look at a man's potential....and if he doesn't live up to your standards? You fire them so fast, and so hard...he doesn't even know what hit him.....

author's note: ...and the last response from my exes.

Ex #4:: By choice....Better to be alone than in bad company.

So, there you have it. My thoughts weren't THAT far off....but I definitely learned a lil something...something.

My standards are high. I've known this for years, but - Ex #3 put that into perspective. My high standards alone aren't necessarily the hindrance, but combine them with dating in a market where demand is extremely high (lots of single women) and supply is iffy (quality men are in short supply)...and the idea that some of those single women are not only willing to settle, but also willing to spoil, nurture, or cater to a single man in ways that...well...I just haven't been equipped to....and my single-ness is not only completely explainable, but no longer surprising.

As for the other responses: Yes, as per Ex #1- I go hard (my nickname is Brooklyn) - and men don't find that attractive. Not surprising, duly noted - and I'm working on that. And as for Ex #2's comment, yes - I'm also a runner. Also working on that.

I'm a work in progress, obviously. I'm also painfully aware that if I want to end my single status - I CANNOT keep doing the same thing I've been doing for years (because doing the same thing and expecting different results is idiocy, isn't it?).

This was, definitely, enlightening. If any of my other exes respond...I'll post it accordingly.

Dating PSA # 17 - I want a man that wants me

2010-01-26T15:10:21Z

author's note: I really should take a break from discussion boards, because they color my vision of dating, relationships and men, greatly. But I like debate - hence my absence. But I digress...

Numerous postings, debates, discussions later....and I'm feeling like my already suppressed libido is dissipating in the wind, like smoke.

I don't know how to put this one eloquently or succinctly, so I'll just ramble along. Bear with me.

I want a man that wants me. Period.

So much of what I read finds me (as in me, the black woman) lacking. I'm too stubborn, too expressive, too aggressive, too shallow, too materialistic, too strong, too vocal about my strengths, too independent, too vocal about my independence, too big, too black focused, too ambitious, too manipulative, to the detriment of black men....yeah, I've said it before, here - It's not my fault and I'm not the enemy. But...all I keep hearing, reading, and the feedback I'm getting is....

Black men aren't feeling me (a black woman) exactly as I am.

What I'm hearing is: my standards are too high. I focus on materialistic things instead of the content of a man's character. I fire men for the slightest, most trivial infraction. I mean, I could go on. I need to change if I want to get the relationship I deserve.

What I'm not hearing is that black men actually want, me.

I get no brownie points for anything. Not my character, because this is deemed lacking (I'm shallow). Not my appearance, because there are always more attractive women in the world, since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not for my accomplishments, because men claim they don't care about anything I've accomplished. So what am I left with? I should appear to be "fun" and "happy" and then maybe - a black man will want me?

This brother, this generic black man, who (by their own definition/description) cannot live up to my "unreasonable" standards, isn't attractive. There's nothing remotely noble, or desirable about a male who, instead of striving to rise above their current circumstances or past experiences - chooses to, consistently and rather vocally, ask his mate to lower her expectations. These brothers find themselves, wanting. Then because of their self-analysis, self-reflection and their perception of my standards, they feel that they are "lacking" - and thus attack me and use their analysis to move on to a woman who has no standards. If my dream is to build a relationship foundation,by choosing a mate that is a reflection of those qualities that I value most about myself, who is this black man that's basically taking a dump on my dream? And why would I want that black man?

There's this study that was mentioned in a NY Times article, regarding women's sexual desires and the things that stimulate women. It's a long read,, but a good one. According to the article, one doctor in the field goes so far as to hook the nether region up to instruments that measure moistness (o_O) and genital responses, then gauges the effect certain stimuli has on a woman's arousal. One of the (somewhat) surprising findings? Women respond to being desired. Even in watching porn, when the act portrays the woman as desirable, or strongly attractive to the man in the movie, so that he acts as though he wants the woman strongly - women watching this become aroused.

And this explains why I'm feeling like my mojo has left the building. Who wants to be constantly bombarded, particularly by the object of your desire specifically, with the message that they're not desirable? Insufficient? Defective? Damaged? Given all that I've read, debated, discussed, etc - I'm more than a little surprised that I'm not trying to date interractially. Because I don't see THEM throwing me under the bus on a regular basis.

I want a man who is appreciative of more than my bigg butt and my smile. I want a man who can express that he admires all of me: my complexity, my intelligence, my strength, my ambition, my sex appeal, my resiliance, my passion, my accomplishments, my compassion, my spirituality, my morals, and my values. And everything about me that he has yet to know, but actually wants to discover.

I want a black man, but more importantly - a man that desires me. All of me.

Project Runway - Saga's NYE edition...

2010-01-02T19:37:11Z

Yeah, I've been MIA - but I've been busy, and that's a good thing ;)

So, my friends decided that they were coming to visit Atlanta for the holidays, and wanted to go on New Year's eve. Now, I haven't been out on NYE since the early 90's, so I wanted to look fabu and have a fabu time - cause it may be the last NYE that I'll be going out on the town.

So the question of the day for me was - what to wear? And the first answer that popped in my mind was that YSL Lurex jumpsuit that I talked about in the plus sized trend shopping post in November.

However, not only did I not have $1,690 laying around for an outfit, but to my knowledge, YSL doesn't make clothes for women my size. So what's a fashionista on a budget to do? Bust out that Singer (or in my case, Baby Lock), hit up the fabric store - and Tim Gunn it.

And just in case you all have a desire to DIY it, I'm providing details ;)

Patterns:: First, let's talk about finding the pattern. I stalk Butterick & Vogue Patterns' websites regularly, and I sorta doubted I'd find the exact jumpsuit I wanted, which was true. What I did end up finding (via Google) is a host of Vintage pattern and craft sites like Lanetzliving, along with Ebay and Ecrater. So, I ordered 2 jumpsuit patterns initially, both with sleeveless looks, but back variations. However, I really wanted a halter-back jumpsuit, so after hitting up all my previous sites, I found a vintage pattern on eBay, Butterick 3934:

Note that the pattern was NOT my size - it was actually a few sizes too small. So, although I really liked the style, I knew alterations were in my future. But I love a challenge!

Fabrics:: This actually took a LOT more effort than the pattern. As any seamstress, designer, or reality tv show will tell you - fabric selection is e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I could list all the websites and brick & mortar fabric stores I visited, and it would take up most of this post. So, the main point is, there are a ton of online fabric shops that have good selections in typical fabrics, like Denver Fabrics, Vogue Fabric Stores, and even exceptional, one-of-a-kind fabrics such as Emma One Sock. But they only came close, and I needed the fabric to be dead on.

So, we finally hit up local brick & mortar stores. My good friend Chelle pointed me to Peachtree Fabrics, but unfortunately although the selection is amazing, the only carry decorator fabrics. After hitting up a couple of other stores and asking tons of questions, the lovely ladies at Forsyth Fabrics (down to earth Jersey girls like Chelle) sent me to Gail K.

Cue the aww-AWW music, and let a gold halo shine on this store, m'kay?! The selection was amazing, I mean the store was overrun with stuff: sequins, prints, jacquards, lurex, organza, wools, heavyweight tweeds, etc. In other stores, when I said Lurex, the staff gave me that Scooby-doo "hunh" look. In Gail K, when I said Lurex, the staff pointed to a whole rack of bolts of fabric. Sweet!

Alterations:: As I said, the pattern was several sizes too small. So, I had to consult several sources to figure out how to resize it. I came across several techniques, including the splitter techique and the pivot & slide technique. However, I found a book that details the pivot & slide technique:

Pattern Fitting with Confidence by Nancy Zieman. Given my measurements, the pattern measurements, etc, I felt confident I could resize and get it done....

...except I made the pattern about 4 sizes too big. What to do?!

Tim Gunn-ing in this piece:: the interesting thing about committing to something is that, under the gun, when the resources are depleted (read: you're broke) and time is short...you will MAKE IT WORK. Which is what I did. I mean, I was clipping, resewing, trimming, reclipping, trying on, starting over....I think a person with less patience would have given up. But this chick was c.o.m.m.i.t.t.e.d. I kept at it, until it started looking like the picture in my head, and like a sculpture, it eventually, with more whittling and slicing, started looking like I wanted it to....and eventually:

Not bad, hm? I'm rather proud of myself....it might not be an exact replica, but I think it's pretty good for a first (after a long non-sewing hiatus) attempt.

Aight, gotta go...I have a ton of back-in-the-day fabrics/projects to now tackle. Project Saga continues....lol

Dressing my A$$ets Off - A Guide for the Plus Sized Woman, part II

2009-11-17T16:58:14Z

As promised & threatened - I'm back to tackle those trends I couldn't find ;)

So there have been a lot of hot trends this year (similar to previous years). One thing I've found particularly compelling this year is that these trends can be very flattering to us curvy chicks.

1940's pencil skirts, pegged suits and feminine dresses accentuate our curves, and can re-define (nee create) curves where curves may be ill-defined (or missing). Red is just a sexy color and gives you that boost of confidence that makes you channel fierceness. Jumpsuits are very on-trend, and given the right cut and fabrics, can grace curves. And Fur has been reinvented, in touches that says luxury without screaming bulky or expensive.

So, how do you find trendy clothes in your size? Well - we talked about some of the where, so here I'll show you some examples and talk about how I found them. Even if you don't necessarily want to channel Rita Hayworth or Audrey Hepburn circa 1942, hopefully the tips can help you update your look with trendy finds ;)

Jumpsuits: I literally fell in love with the Anthracite Lurex halter jumpsuit created by YSL for Fall '09 (the picture above). So much so, in fact - that I'm ordering the fabric myself, and I found a suitable pattern. Because I knew that I wouldn't find the exact jumpsuit in my size, I'm sucking this one up - and sewing it myself. Don't sew? Well, find a good seamstress (we all should have a good seamstress in our fashion network for alterations et. al.) and have her make it for you. If you buy the fabric and search for the patterns, you can reduce her legwork (and your costs) in the process.

But if that's totally aus, then here are a few good suggestions for you. The deep v-neck, long sleeve Charlie jumpsuit by Monif C. is sexy, and flattering. Lane Bryant has several to choose from, including some strapless and halter styles. I've also seen a few at some of the department store chains made by various RTW lines, but honestly: the fit of a jumpsuit is so crucial, that I'd leave this to the retailers who take pains to fit curvy folks, vs. RTW folks who are "sizing up", if you know what I mean ;)

1940's:: I think I found my new favorite dress. This Raquel dress from B & Lu is extremely fitted, extremely curvy, and is screaming 1940's to me. Add a fur stole, killer stillettos and some soft curly/wavy hair, and you've travelled back to another era. I really, and I mean REALLY like the embedded self belt waistline which will whittle your waist. It creates the figure 8, without some of the bulk that a jacket & skirt combination can sometimes creates. So, are you an Hourglass? Hour and 1/2 glass (like me)? This dress should work for anyone whose curves approach dangerous. I was searching for the jumpsuit above, and stumbled across this one in the process - yay me!

Not quite your cup of tea? Kiyonna.com has some lovely plus sized skirts, Igigi's Limited Collection includes the Michelle Suit (my fave), the Milano Suit and the Marcela suit which are all quite 40's & pretty fab. Also, check out Bloomie's, Nordie's & Macy's for separates to create that pencil skirt & pinched waist jacket silhouette. I found most of these by searching on these websites directly - and as I mentioned, I do love boutiques for trendy wear.

Red:: I originally considered red as purely a makeup trend - a rebellion after years of MAC Oh Baby & Beaux. But after I started seeing is used in fresh ways and new shades, combined with the resurgence of both the Vampire movies and 40's glamour - Red is now a statement color to bring the fire to an outfit.

And perfect for the holidays. Along with the Marilyn convertible dress from Monif C. (pictured at left, it's like 10 dresses in one) consider the following Red options: the Traditional Tunic from Gayla Bentley at Neiman Marcus (cute, with a pair of leggings ;), this double-breasted funnel neck coat from Style & Co at Macy's, the Tapestry Sweater Dress by Melissa Masse or this one-shoulder maxi dress from Lane Bryant.

Oh yes - and this little red suede fringe vest from Berek @ Neiman Marcus. Fierce, no?

Fur:: faux fur to be exact. The Faux Fur Gilet is very on-trend this year, and this one by Rachel by Rachel Roy for Macy's apparently sold out in about .00009 seconds. What's a fashionista to do? Well, I broke out my sewing machine (again) and found some fabu fur at I'm Stuffed Fur.com, so I could get my gilet just right ;)

More options?: how about the coffee-colored faux fur vest at Avenue, this fur-trimmed cardigan from Lane Bryant, or this Fox Faux Fur Vest from FabulousFurs.com? BTW, Fabulous Furs sells all kinds of faux fur in various sizes, from full coats to wraps & stoles, and they're wonderful because they're pelted - so they look real ;)

Aight, so we've got some on-trend options. Now I'm thinking - what about the other trends? Sequins? Leggings? Rocker looks? 1980's? All out there, with a little Googling and searching...lol. Oh, you might want to click those links for a peek ;)

Next up....Shopping for your body type, and finding clothes in your size. Stay tuned...

Dating PSA #16 - What a Woman Wants

2009-11-08T16:58:12Z

Speak life into existence.

So, I've found myself over the last few years, wondering why dating basically *sucks* so much, and why I've been noticing my growing dislike for it. I couldn't really come up with an answer that makes sense. Until I got back from Switzerland, and this guy who was interested in me asked me how my trip was...

a lil context: as you may well know, I've been a little frustrated with dating (er, ya think?). Most of what I've been doing the last few years consists of meet & greets, coffee dates, or low-brow haphanded attempts at my goodies, and me firing another candidate. very sterile, very guarded, very safe. fun, wow.

Well, we were discussing whether "vanilla" dates - meet & greets, coffee dates, etc had value. I know they have their place, but for me - they're a turn off. And then I recounted for him a particular part of my trip to illustrate.

the following is my portion of the conversation...

me: A___ & Tasha....we're friends, yanno? and when I'm with them, I feel good
me: REALLY good

me: I haven't felt like that...that same feeling, with or about a man...in years
me: LOL
me: when I'm with them, I can securely be myself, talk about whatever and feel great
me: light hearted
me: smart
me: free spirited
me: adventurous
me: what I'm saying is....that I want to be able to feel that same way around a man
me: free-spirited
me: adventurous
me: light hearted
me: happy
intelligent
sexy
me: without feeling fearful...or guarded...or having to dumb down for him, yanno?
me: we sat at the Rheinefall, under candlelight...and drank proseco and ate schnitzel or some other swiss meal....and talked about family, and community, and activism...and work....and traveling....and how we can put our families back together
me: and men...and how much we love black men, and how it hurts sometimes that they're not loving us back the way we deserve
me: I want the man...wherever he may be.....in GA, or NY...or hell...London...that is motivated to not let challenges become major obstacles....that will figure out a way to overcome then, yanno?

I keep thinking this isn't a lot to ask for. A date with a man who actually admires, adores, is interested in, respects, and/or wants to get to know, me. Not just poke me on the shoulder and ask for punani. Interested. In me.

...Am I asking too much?