The Saint Gasoline Podcast

Episode 11 - The Whole Dog and Abortion Show!

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 04:43:47 +0000

Welcome back to season 2 of The Saint Gasoline Podcast! This week, Dustin discusses the Susan G. Komen controversy, the Republican war on birth control, and the Westminster Dog Show.

Episode 10 - Let Him Die and Never Forget!

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 03:10:59 +0000

Dustin discusses his obsession with Deus Ex: Human Revolution, the GOP Tea Party debate, 9/11 media coverage, and some recent and not-so recent developments in cosmology.

Episode 9 - Rocked Like a Hurricane and Gaddafi's Last Call

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 02:34:00 +0000

In this episode of the Saint Gasoline Podcast, Dustin discusses a bunch of random shit that he didn't get to cover in his two-week absence. On the bright side, though, his absence was the result of a vacation in New York, where he got to experience an earthquake AND a hurricane, as well as what it is like to live in a city that people actually care about and pay attention to. Here are the topics covered:

Steve Jobs steps down as CEO of Apple.

The Gold bubble is bursting! Sell your gold now! Don't listen to Glenn Beck!

"Friending" is made illegal in Missouri.

A highway in Nashville is shut down due to a bull semen spill.

The stock markets are like a rollercoaster! Up and down and supported by rotting wooden beams and operated by idiots who don't understand how it all works.

A Russian space shuttle crashes. And this is who the United States has to rely on to get into space now...

The UK protestors actually managed to create more jobs: prison guard jobs!

Bachmann wins a straw poll, some guy whose name I forgot dropped out of the race, Romney says corporations and Soylent Green are people, and various other political nonsense!

TOP STORY: Colonel Gaddafi has finally been ousted from power! Now the Libyan rebels will finally get to elect their own dictator! Also, I rant about why voting is bullshit.

SECOND TOP STORY: Natural disasters rock the east coast! And by "rock" I mean "mildly disturb."

As always, add me on Facebook and Twitter if you'd like to help support the podcast, and also tell everyone you know and threaten to stab them if they don't listen to me. No, seriously.

Episode 8 - Democrats Lose in Wisconsin and the US loses an A

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 04:40:06 +0000

In this episode, Dustin tries to talk about Final Destination 5 but ends up on a tangent somehow involving President Obama asking to be raped by Republicans. A man from Sweden attempts to split atoms in his kitchen, whereas I can barely split bananas. And 30 Americans die in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan...and they happen to be from the same team that killed Osama Bin Laden. For the main stories, Dustin talks about the following issues:

Democrats win only 2 of 6 recall elections in Wisconsin, proving to Republicans that they can get away with anything. However, the rioters in Britain still know how to protest better.

S&P downgrades America's bond rating from AAA to AA+, but this doesn't affect US bonds. In response, America downgrades S&P from "idiots who were wrong about the financial instruments that caused the 2008 financial crisis" to "dead to me."

Michele Bachmann looks crazy on the cover of Newsweek! Hey, it could be worse. When I was on the cover of Time, I wasn't wearing any pants.

In the conclusion, Dustin thanks Erica, a loyal listener, for her generous donation. He also thanks www.thickmoustache.com once again for reading his perverted emails on their podcast about his unrequited robot love.

Episode 7 - Pizza Squeezin', Bachmann's Migraines, and an Unfunny Massacre in Norway

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 03:10:35 +0000

Welcome to Episode 7! Apologies for getting this episode out so late. I was taking a moment of podcast silence for Norway. Either that or I was just lazy and too busy. Whatever you'd like to believe, really. Anyway, in today's episode I discuss the following topics:

-Dustin rails against the state of the movie industry, which propels classics such as Smurfs and Cowboys & Aliens to the top of the box office for no apparent reason.

-Dustin reveals his hidden love for squeezable foodstuffs, and proves that Facebook pages exist for every product, including those as obscure (and delicious) as Pizza Squeeze.

-With Rupert Murdoch being pied in the face in the wake of the massive phone hacking scandal, I come to the realization that more pies are needed in today's media, and that a good pie to the face is perhaps the best way to revitalize media interest in any topic.

Michele Bachmann gets migraines! Does this disqualify her from being President? Or is this the best thing we could hope for?

A terrorist attack rocks Norway, and the media immediately assumes the attack was perpetrated by Muslim extremists until they learn that it was carried about by the exact opposite of a Muslim extremist: a white Christian dude who hated Muslims. Way to report, media!

Also, be sure to check out all the great podcasts I recommended. The Bugle, Ardent Atheist, Citizen Radio, and The StacheCast are among the best.

Episode 6: Marcus Bachmann, Soccer, Phone Hacking, Horny Cicadas, and Other News!

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 02:32:24 +0000

Welcome to Episode 6 of the Saint Gasoline Podcast, your source for breaking news, because I take the news and break it by marring it with my terrible attempts at humor and profundity.

In this episode, I am in a car crash! I lived, though, which is obvious. Because I'm writing this. Although I suppose I could have been ghost-writing this. But I assure you that I am not a ghost. I am still flesh and blood. But aside from that, here are some of the important things I talked about:

Netflix is raising their prices! Finally, rich people have something to complain about that will overshadow all those starving children in Africa!

A TSA employee gets a taste of her own medicine. And by "medicine" I mean "an unwanted search of her person." And by "unwanted search of her person" I mean some crazy bitch grabbed her tit.

The United States used a fake vaccination program in Pakistan to help hunt down Osama Bin Laden. Seriously? You couldn't have used a medical modality that isn't embroiled in a fake autism controversy? Like testing for Chlamydia? Thanks a lot for fucking over the reputation of a valuable medical procedure, douches.

"Generic Republican" leads Obama in the polls. However, "Actual Republican" is still faring quite badly. And word on the street is that "Generic Republican" has been sending people pictures of his genericism on Twitter, anyway.

Remember Captain Planet? Well I have an idea to use cartoons that appeal to Tea Party conservatives: Captain Oil Spill!

Locusts swarm in patterns resembling the patterns found in social networking. No wonder "locusts" is always the trending topic on Twitter!

What's new in Egypt? Oh, nothing much. Just forming some political parties and maybe a little death to America.

The United States decides to officially recognize the Libyan rebels as the legitimate government in Libya. The one guy who makes up the current Libyan government feels flattered.

The U.S. military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy is reinstated by a court decision. In unrelated news, the sale of pink army shorts plummets.

In sports, there was apparently a women's World Cup, and Japan won, even in spite of racist Americans on Twitter.

Is Dan Savage a hypocrite for mocking Marcus Bachmann's lisp? And is Marcus Bachmann a homosexual for having a lisp? And fuck Marcus Bachmann because he's a bigoted douchenozzle? That last one wasn't supposed to be a question.

Murdoch apologizes for hacking into all those phones, and you'll forgive him if you know what's good for you. Because he knows what you did last summer!

Episode 5: Endings: No More Shuttle Launches, Democrats, and News of the World

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 05:01:08 +0000

Today's show is all about endings. But with endings, there are also new beginnings. Like the beginning of this new podcast about endings, for instance. Or the beginning of the end. Or whatever. Let's just end this.

Here are some of the stories I cover in this episode:

1. Introduction

Saudi women protest the ban of female drivers.

Did you hear about this Casey Anthony thing?!

2. The United States launches its last rocket into space.

3. Dustin rants about progressives and discovers that the only way to truly achieve the goals of liberalism is to elect really terrible Republicans to office.

4. Rupert Murdoch's News of the World shuts down amidst controversy over hacked phone data.

5. Conclusion

Dustin concludes the show by begging for iTunes ratings and grovelling for more listeners.

Episode 4 - Shell Companies Hit the Debt Ceiling While Aborting Chris Hansen

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 04:22:00 +0000

In this episode of the Saint Gasoline podcast, your host Dustin Martinez discusses a bunch of awesome topics that will probably teach you things while at the same time making you laugh so hard that you spit milk through your nose. The topics are:

1. Shell corporations, despite having overwhelming support of politicians and judges, face rampant discrimination from your average Joe. Joe, stop being an average racist! You should at least try to excel at what you do!

http://www.montrealgazette.com/story_print.html?id=5040532&sponsor=

2. The date to raise the debt ceiling is rapidly approaching, but Democrats and Republicans won't budge on the details of how to decrease the debt

http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2011/06/obama-scolds-congress-says-malia-and-sasha-are-more-disciplined.html

3. Ridiculous abortion clinic regulations attempt to drive clinics out of Kansas, but a judge halts their implementation so clinics won't have to close

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2081248,00.html

4. Chris Hansen is caught cheating with a much younger woman! But worst of all, his show "To Catch a Predator" is itself predatory bullshit that engages in shady police-work.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/gossip/2011/06/chris-hansen-cheating-catch-a-predator-animated-gif-1.html

Quick Hits:

The Pope's first tweet!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/29/pope-twitter-vatican-site-launch

Smokers get $270 million from the tobacco industry!

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/06/27/137451791/supreme-court-lets-270-million-tobacco-award-stand

Former IL governor Blagojevich is found guilty of multiple charges, including corruption.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/28/us/28blagojevich.html

Glenn Beck's last show on Fox airs...good riddance!

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/2011/06/30/2011-06-30_goodbye_glenn_beck_popular_fox_host_signs_off_network_with_last_show.html

Obama's views on gay marriage are evolving. Hopefully into a creature that isn't a raging bigot!

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/19/us/politics/19marriage.html

The Fox News twitter account is hacked and falsely announces Obama's assassination.

http://techcrunch.com/2011/07/04/fox-news-twitter-account-hijacked-president-obama-declared-dead/

The Oxford comma is rumored to have been nixed by Oxford University on Twitter. But it turns out the rumor was incorrect. The Oxford comma is dead, long live the Oxford comma!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/jul/01/oxford-cleared-serial-comma-killing

Episode 3 - Blinded with Science!

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 06:40:29 +0000

This is a special science-themed episode of the Saint Gasoline podcast. The following stories are covered:

1. Two new elements are discovered. Take that, hydrogen!

2. Scientists create food from human feces. It's mmm mmm good!

3. Two and a half million men are so fat that they can't see their own penis. Now if only they were so fat that they couldn't see their own embarrassment...

4. Breaking news! Beauty pageant contestants don't understand evolution! Also, the sky is blue!

5. Scientists select for multicellular evolution in the lab. Next they'll be growing unicorns!

6. Quick Hits:

-Gays can marry in New York, so let's talk about the science of the gays!

-Genetically modified salmon: Friend or tasty foe?

-New warnings on cigarettes unveiled.

-Birth control may soon be available for males.

-Joe Biden advocates cutting funding for science, scrounging in couches for pennies.

Episode 2 - Droning Psychic Presidents Go to Tea Party Summer Camp!

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 05:00:00 +0000

In this episode, Dustin discusses the following topics:

1) Is Libya a war, or just an extended pillow fight? I interview a drone to get answers for this important question.

http://tinyurl.com/42e9jqk

2) A psychic's tip about a mass grave in Texas turns out to be false! Who could have predicted this? Probably a better psychic... This story features a live audio recording of the psychic, revealing her identity once and for all!

http://tinyurl.com/3owtn5a

3) Meet the Republican Presidential candidates! Dustin gives a very brief primer about the various Republican presidential hopefuls.

http://2012.republican-candidates.org/

4) Tea Party summer camps. Yes, it's real. When Glenn Beck and the Bible aren't enough indoctrination, you can always send your children here to ensure they become misinformed douchebags.

http://tinyurl.com/42935ta

*Plus a bonus shortened version of the classic "Gettin' Personal" segment, in which Dustin describes why he abandoned the label "atheist" in favor of "skeptic."

Episode 1 - Penises, Weiners, and C*cks, OH MY!

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 05:01:00 +0000

In this special weiner-themed episode, I bring you the following weiner-related stories:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/06/live-blog-anthony-weiner-news-conference/?hp

1. Anthony Weiner Admits to Sending Weiner Pictures

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504943_162-20069360-10391715.html

2. Sarah Palin Changes History! Also, She's a Weiner!

3. GETTIN' PERSONAL - Continuing the theme, Dustin talks about his own weiner and traumatic insemination.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/08/us/08circumcise.html?_r=2&ref=us

4. The Great Circumcision Debate! - Dustin and laura debate whether male infants should be circumcised.

http://tinyurl.com/3c5agoo

5. Qaddafi Orders Mass Rapes

And here are the links to the songs used in the show.

Intro music: "Flux" by Bloc Party (http://www.musicalley.com/music/producers/producerLibrary/artistdetails.php?BandHash=2f348ad33241b388753c74ed48324d96)

Segue music and ending music: "Her Lazer Light Eyes" by Nullsleep (http://www.nullsleep.com/)

Episode 0 - June 6, 2011 - Abortion, Cancer, Sexual Abuse, and Other Hilarious News!

saint_gasoline@yahoo.com (Dustin Martinez) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 05:00:00 +0000

Welcome to the Saint Gasoline Podcast! The Saint Gasoline Podcast is a humor podcast focused on political news and intellectual crap. Being represented by the patron saint of all things inflammatory, some listeners may find this podcast offensive due to the language---which is often verbose and overly loquacious. Oh, and also because I use curse words. In Episode 0, I discuss the following wonderful topics:

1. New abortion legislation in South Dakota

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/22/south-dakota-abortion-bil_n_839063.html)

2. The advisor on sexual abuse for the Pope is accused of abusing children - you can't make this shit up

(http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2072613,00.html)

3. Dustin reviews the trailer for the movie Atlas Shrugged

4. Gettin' Personal - Dustin talks about his social awkwardness and how that affects his bathroom habits

5. Cell phones probably don't cause cancer, despite what recent news says

(http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2011/06/the_bride_of_the_son_of_the_revenge_of_c.php)

(http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/05/31/who.cell.phones/)

*Bonus: Dustin gives Anthony Weiner advice about how to talk to the media about your penis.