“This whole gratitude thing sounds like such a cliché.”

Said a client to me last month.

It’s coming up on Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I’m all about taking the time off, preparing and sharing a special meal with people I love, and of course, the reminder to give thanks and be actively grateful for our lives and those we share them with.

So I wasn’t going to let this one go.

Yes, I get that gratitude and happiness are everywhere. That everyone and their dog is keeping a gratitude journal.

And I get that appreciating what we have and saying thank you feels like a “should” some of the time (to some of the people).

Yes, it’s November and we’re saying what we’re grateful for because it’s that time of year. We’re going around the table. We’re even hashtagging #gratitude.

It’s all fine by me. I embrace it. Because gratitude works.

Research continues to show us that the very act of gratitude can have serious benefits on our physical health and mental well-being. It makes us happier. It strengthens our relationships. It gives us some much-needed perspective when we get caught in the day-to-day.

Bonus: It feels really good to be honestly appreciative.

And we know that cultivating positive thoughts increases the likelihood that we can achieve our life, work and relationship goals.

I can think of no better way to head into the next few weeks—the whirlwind holiday season, the crush of the year-end at the office, the planning for a new year—than by taking a breather to push the reset button on our perspective and our positive attitudes.

It’s easy to think of things to appreciate, when we take the time to tune in and be aware of our daily life. (Likewise, it can be equally easy to let our appreciation slip away unacknowledged. So take the time.)

It’s a simple, accessible way to be more mindful, more effective and enjoy ourselves more.

And opening your awareness to be grateful, even in trying circumstances, even for the challenges– well, that takes a little more practice. A little more intentionality.

But it can shift so much of our experience when it’s possible to get there.

Appreciation helps us stay connected and positive during times of change, no matter when they happen.

Let’s have at it, shall we?

Listen to yourself. How often do you speak positively to your coworkers, colleagues, friends or loved ones? While the jury is still out on so-called magic ratios, research (and common sense) does show that we and our relationships are happier when we’re intentionally appreciative of others.

Talk about it. My partner and I have a habit of asking each other what we’re grateful for right now. It’s come up in conversation while hiking in the woods, lounging on the couch, sitting an airport or making dinner. It’s always easy to come up with something and it’s an instant mood lifter and perspective shifter.

Go back in time. We all know people who’ve made a difference in our life, inspired us, taught us something new or changed the way we see things. Do they know this? How would it feel to thank them? I once received a letter like this from a dear friend. It meant a lot to her to write it, and I still cherish it.

Start off right. Establishing a set of nourishing daily habits can be a game changer in how we feel. How about making one of yours to find something you can express thanks for before you head into the day?

Begin at home. With you. Finish this sentence: “I really appreciate how I…” Or this one: “I’m so thankful that I am someone who…”

Look for the gift in the challenge. Think about something that’s holding you back or frustrating you right now. What has this challenge helped you to notice, experience or appreciate? Can you allow a little feeling of gratitude for that gift? Try it out.

And yes, of course, make that list. Put your objections on hold. Write down what you are grateful for every day or every week and just see what you see. There’s even an app for that.

My client tried out a few of these tactics and reported back this: she found a clear connection between her outlook and the results she was getting. Guess what’s going to change?

There are all sorts of creative ways to reboot a little gratitude. I’d love to hear yours.

Photo: Clay Banks/Unsplash

This post has been updated.

A lot of the time that means saying NO to the people, tasks, requests and situations that are pulling you away.

Saying no in a graceful way that preserves your time, resources and energy — and your relationships –doesn’t have to be difficult. It just takes practice.

But moving from being a “yes, sure” person to saying “no” more often can come with a bit of discomfort (and even guilt) about setting stronger boundaries. That’s OK. Positive change is not always comfortable and confidence is not built in a day.

As you practice a new habit of saying NO when you need to, those feelings will naturally fade away and you’ll be feeling a lot more relaxed.

How to start saying NO more easily

Start small. If, in the past, you have always been the person who says YES to every request, it might take you some time to build up those NO muscles. You don’t have to change overnight. Just take small steps and work your way up from the easy, no-brainer NOs to those more challenging situations.

Expect pushback. As you start setting stronger boundaries and saying NO more often, it may come as a surprise. Some people may even challenge or cajole you to get their way. This won’t always be pleasant. But when you stay responsible to yourself and respectful of others, eventually, this too shall pass.

Go with your gut. Chances are, you already know where you need more NO energy. Many factors can play into whether you want to accept or decline a request, including the timing, nature and importance of what’s being asked of you, the context of your relationship, what’s already on your plate, the impacts of your decision on others, and more. You will know when a confident NO is the right decision for you.

Skip the story. Many people are in the habit of “making up a story” to get out of a request. You do not need to do this, and in fact, it may come back to haunt you later on. It is OK to say NO and to allow other people to feel how they feel about that. So skip the contortions and white lies. Respect yourself and your relationships and just be honest.

Practice, practice, practice. Getting comfortable with standing up for your time, energy and resources is not a one-and-done. Some situations will be more challenging than others, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. If there is a particular request that challenges or concerns you, figure out ahead of time how you will handle it, so that you’re prepared and confident when it happens.

What to say instead of the automatic YES

Of course, the simplest path is to remember that NO is a complete sentence on its own. “No.” “No thanks.” “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t.” All acceptable answers.

When that doesn’t work (or you’re still working on your comfort level with carving out space for yourself and your priorities), there are a number of other go-to strategies that you can keep in mind. Here are a few to practice with:

Answer later. Sometimes, you need to consider a request before you actually know whether it’s a yes or a no. You can make better choices on where to invest your time and energy when you cultivate the habit of responding later versus immediately.

• “I’m in meetings all afternoon. Can I follow up with you later?” 
• “Let me sleep on it and get back to you tomorrow.” 
• “When do you a need a decision on this?”

Share your schedule. When your calendar is packed with things that prevent you from saying yes, you don’t need to explain yourself. However, it can sometimes feel more comfortable to share what’s on your plate.

• “I can’t do that because I’m already committed for Saturday.”
• “I’m working on the Jones Project, so I can’t add anything else to my plate right now.”
• “I always work out on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, so I can’t join you.”

Negotiate. When you want to say yes, but it’s not really a priority, you may be able to work out a timetable or a process that better fits your needs. Ask.

• “I’m really busy this week. If it can wait until next week, then I can help.”
• “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t attend this one. Maybe next time?”
• “This project sounds great. What’s the timetable and is it negotiable?”

Offer alternatives. Does the person making this request just need a solution? If so, that solution may not lie with you. Connecting people and offering helpful alternatives can build relationships while also keeping your plate clear.

• “I can’t help with that, but my colleague would be a great fit. Let me connect you.”
• “You know, Harriet loves managing those kinds of projects. Have you spoken with her yet?”
• “I can’t do it this time, but I’d love to help in the future if I have advance notice.”

Teach them to fish. Recurring requests can take up a lot of time, and when they are not handled effectively, can create resentment and overwhelm. A well-delivered NO not only frees up your time, it can empower others to learn new skills and develop their own capabilities.

• “I can’t do that right now, but I could quickly show you the process.”
• “This would be a good responsibility for you to take on. Why don’t you take a crack at it.”
• “There is a great new app that makes this so easy. I’ll send you the link.”

Create a consensus. When you’re juggling a number of important things that need attention, it’s important to have a conversation about priorities so that everyone is on the same page. This can be especially useful for organizing an ever-growing workload or setting reasonable expectations with others.

• “We’ve outlined several priorities here. Which one should we be focused on first?”
• “I understand this assignment is important. What would you like me to put on the back burner so that I can give this time and attention?”
• “We’ve agreed that we need to prioritize family time right now, so we should probably decline that invitation.”

If you’re continually feeling overwhelmed or not focused on what truly needs your attention, it’s time to start saying NO. Let people know what’s on your YES list and start saying NO, respectfully and gracefully, to what’s not. The more clear you are on your priorities, the easier it will be to maintain control of your time, energy and resources.

If I were more confident in my direction, I would have made more progress by now.

I’d love to start a business, but I don’t have the confidence that I could make it work.

I’ve known that I need to make this change for a while, but I have lacked the confidence.

I hear comments like these a lot in my work. Confidence is one of the bigger struggles that I first hear from clients who are reinventing pieces of their lives or careers.

It’s understandable. Creating something new for our lives is no small undertaking. And like any large endeavor, there can be a lot of moving parts, a range of emotions and a whole lot of work involved.

Creating, upleveling and reinventing doesn’t always feel easy. Actually, it can feel just the opposite, and often we equate “this feels easy for me” with confidence. These are not the same thing.

How do you confidently move forward with making something happen for yourself when you’re not feeling it?

The truth is, we often look at this the wrong way round.

We don’t need the confidence to act. It’s through the consistent actions we take that we build that confidence.

This doesn’t mean blindly jumping into action without serious due diligence, but rather a slower, more intentional unraveling of next steps. Instead of waiting for confidence to come find you, let’s shift to trusting that you can build it as you go.

First, you’ll need a little more clarity.

Often, when someone tells me that they lack confidence, there can be a clarity gap. This is where serious reflection is critical. What is it that you really want? What is the vision you hold for this area of your life? For yourself? How do you envision your challenge playing out in an ideal scenario?

Alignment is important.

Aligning your vision and your goals with your values and your natural strengths is the fastest way to make meaningful progress. This is integrity in action and it’s so powerful. What matters most to you? What are you great at? How are these things tied into where you want to go and how will you call on them to get there?

Embrace progress over perfection.

The only thing that you need to be focused on is progress towards your vision and goals. Every time you take a step forward or gain new insight, you have won. While it’s natural for many of us to get caught up in trying to control perfect outcomes, it’s usually a huge waste of time. Do your best. Make progress. That is always good enough.

Reflect, then risk.

You cannot create change without doing something different. Smart, calculated risks and playing at the edges of your comfort zone do come with this territory. When you’re clear on what you want, making choices that are aligned with who you are and have a plan for handling obstacles, then you’ve got this.

Learn as you go.

If you need to learn it, you can learn it. We are all walking examples of this, but we forget. If you were to approach what’s next for you with a growth mindset, how would that change what’s possible for you?

Know that failure is part of the process.

Fearing that you will fail or make a mistake can keep you stuck in a million different ways. But let’s get real with this: in real life, there will be things that work and things that don’t work. There are always mistakes and learning opportunities. They aren’t about you. They’re just a natural part of the process of dreaming, designing and living your vision.

Results require work.

Your work may be mental, emotional and physical. Usually, it’s all of the above. If you want the result, showing up to do the work (even when it’s challenging or not convenient) isn’t optional. And it’s in that consistent, intentional showing up that you will get results– and your confidence will soar.

Photo: Sharon McCutcheon/Unsplash

And sometimes – well, most of the time – big shifts come with moments of stuckness. Sometimes, those moments are the ones where you just aren’t clear on what’s next.

It’s hard to move forward when you don’t know what to do. That’s where coaching can help you to stop, take stock and sort through your options.

But what about the times when you actually do know what to do– and you’re just not doing it?

You know, for example, that consistent workouts are always a great stress reliever for you. You know that conversation with your boss needs to happen. You have an actionable marketing plan for your new business sitting right on your hard drive.

And… it’s not happening.

As a frustrated client said to me last week, WHY can I not get this done?! If this is you, the answer is probably not laziness. There’s just something in your way.

Here are a few self-coaching questions that can help you get to the bottom of it.

Are you feeling overwhelmed?

It’s a fast-paced world. So it’s critical that we create clarity about  where our time and energy is most needed and best spent. We only have so much of it to give. If overwhelm is keeping you stuck or spinning, you can start with an inventory. What’s overwhelming you? Get it down on paper (or screen) and out of your head.

Then go through that inventory and cross out everything that is not an actual task or action. If it’s an important project or outcome, add the next step to your list. Cross out everything that doesn’t truly need to be done (it’s amazing how much comes off the list when we answer this question honestly).

What’s left? If it’s important to you, to someone you care about or to a team, could someone else handle it? Who? Now, take the 3 most critical things left on the list and do those. Fully implementing this often takes practice and conversations about the support you may need. The sooner you start, the less overwhelmed you will feel and the more mental space you have for that thing that hasn’t been happening.

Is stress dragging you down?

If so, you’re not alone. Studies show that chronic stress is becoming epidemic. In fact, “stressed” is a state that many of us now take for granted. As in, of course we are stressed. Everybody is stressed. Accepting this as an ongoing state has huge negative impacts on your emotional, physical and mental health.

Righting the ship to add more nourishment and balance to your life is not a nice to have. It’s daily healthcare, and no one can do it for you. The better care you take of yourself, the more flow you can unlock—simply because you will have a level of energy, health and thinking capacity that’s not available when you’re under constant stress.

Are you too far in—or out—of your comfort zone?

You’ve heard the advice that everything you are craving lies on the other side of your comfort zone? This is only partly true, however. Yes, living entirely inside a comfort zone that never changes prevents you from growing, evolving and taking risks to create more of what you want. But being tooaggressive in pushing out of your comfort zone can also trigger the opposite response. Extreme discomfort can be paralyzing and stop you in your tracks.

Consider playing at your edges. Be sure that the action you’re wanting to take fits in that middle ground. This will help you to gradually expand your comfort zone. It also puts neurochemistry on your side by aiming for the place where you’re challenged and learning, but not completely lost.

Are you doing too much?

Most of us are. If you’ve come to accept a “crazy-busy” reality as unchangeable, I want to challenge your thinking on this. It’s not. We all have responsibilities that will ebb and flow throughout our lives. There will be times when there is a lot to manage. How you manage your responsibilities, your schedule, and your commitments is up to you. No one else can do this for you.

It can be challenging to step back and reprioritize what’s on your plate. And it’s not always easy to set boundaries around what you are saying yes to and saying no to. But it’s critically important to your well-being, sustainability and forward movement. Clear space on your plate and designate that space for the action that you know is going to get you the results you want.

Are you hiding from something?

The way to know is to ask yourself what might happen if you did follow through? Often there is fear hiding here. Take a closer look at what you’ve been doing instead. Fear can show up as avoiding action, numbing yourself with mindless web surfing or television, and getting really creative with your excuses for why you’re not doing the thing you said you wanted to do.

What are you really afraid of? The outcome or the process? It’s true that you might not get the results you want. And it’s true that you might wildly succeed and create a new set of perceived challenges. The process of getting where you want to go may require you to step up and be more visible. Change often comes with moments that feel hard and things that are not fun (as well as the joy and the fun).

There’s no need to battle the fear or defeat it. Simply understanding what it is can help you work around it. You may not be able to control the outcome or the process. And all of that is OK. You can handle it.

Do you really want to do it?

If you’re not committed to the path you’re taking, then eventually, you will stop moving forward. Check in with yourself on this. If you’re continually dodging the actions that you know will get you where you say you want to go, it’s just possible that you may really have another destination in mind. Course corrections are always permitted.

Take action.

When you know what to do and it’s just not happening, identify your obstacle. Create a strategy to work around it. Then take action. Breathe. Do it again. Keep going.

Photo by Aubrey Rose Odom on Unsplash

I’d lost most of what I owned in a house fire the previous winter, and it seemed like the right time to make a big move.

With the rough outlines of a plan in place, I attended a 10-day silent meditation retreat to give myself freedom to BE as I prepared to walk into what was next for me.

Those decisions sparked a revolution in and for me.

Of course, like any transformational decision-making, there was a lot that led up to that point. It wasn’t simple or easy. It felt like a big leap. It felt necessary. And it changed everything.

After the retreat, I spent a couple of weeks staying with my family. I finished up side-hustle projects at the kitchen table while my parents’ new puppy slept at my feet. I felt a time freedom that I hadn’t felt in a while– and had craved.

My job, though fun, had also come with the stress of a big workload and limited resources. I’d personally spent the last three years putting out fires, both real and metaphoric. I reveled in the rest.

Freedom has always been a strong value for me.

I’ve built a certain amount of schedule and decision-making freedom into every job I’d ever held. I’ve always liked to do things my own way and follow my own rules. I tend to limit clutter and debt because those things feel restrictive (and not free) to me.

In wiping the slate clean, I was connecting more of the dots between my core values and what I was doing every day.

(Of course, I also felt the excitement and the worry that comes with leaving my very established comfort zone without necessarily knowing what would be next.)

When we talk about having freedom, we often think of breaking free from something.

Freedom from restrictions on our speech or religion, for example. Breaking free from oppressive systems and situations.

For me, I wanted to be free from living surrounded by reminders of a traumatic period of my personal life. Free from the stress of trying to do the job of several people by myself with a limited budget (and not just at work). Freedom from having to go into an office every day. Freedom from the mind muck that was keeping me from making big decisions.

With my clients, it’s often the same. They talk about wanting freedom from the pressure of trying to juggle all the balls, all the time. Freedom from a work situation that is eating away at their energy or not allowing for their potential.

They want to be free not to play by rules that don’t make sense to them and aren’t getting them the results they desire. Freedom from the critical, doubtful, fearful voices and patterns that keep them stuck.

Yet valuing personal freedom is also about what we are free to create.

Freedom to build a better life for yourself or your family. Freedom to make decisions for yourself.

In my case, I wanted to be free to make big choices after several years of reacting to situations made for and around me. I wanted the freedom to be my own boss, as I’d secretly desired to be. Freedom to work where and when I wanted, and create my own work.

I craved the freedom to build more white space in my previously crazy-busy life. To travel, to try new things, to reinvent everything that needed reinventing.

Some of my clients tell me they crave these things, too. Underneath the “breaking free from” is the freedom to choose a path that lights them up instead of the one they’d always thought they should follow.

Freedom to make their own rules. To follow the dream that they’ve been pushing to the back burner. Freedom to carve out the time and energy to fully nourish themselves and their lives, so they can fully show up in the world.

Fast-forward 12 years and I am continually checking in with what personal freedom means for me and how I want that to inform my life and work. It’s different now than it was then, and still as relevant. As I grow and evolve, what I choose to be free from and what I am free to create evolves, too.

What does the idea of freedom spark in you?

How does it show up in your world?

What do you need to release so that you can unleash the energy that feels stuck in you?

What do you need to create for yourself to put that energy to work in service of you, your life, work, community, or vision?

How is your definition of freedom evolving with you as you develop, grow and reach for what’s next?

Their foundation feels shaky and focusing their energy can seem like a big ask.

And yet, research shows us that when you take good care of your body, mind, spirit and environment, you can create an unshakeable foundation of well-being that underlies everything you do. This is, at its most basic level, what is meant by “managing your energy”.

Life informs work and work informs life. Investing in a solid foundation of meaningful and impactful self care impacts everything that you’re doing and trying to create.

You can feel the results almost immediately. Your energy is higher, your mind is clear. You’re more productive, efficient and creative in your thinking. And you start to let go more often of your stress, pressure, stuckness and resistance.

Yes, there are times for all of us when even the most basic self-care feels out of reach. Maybe it’s a super-busy time at work and you aren’t finding the hours in the day. Perhaps you’ve convinced yourself that life will come screeching to a halt if you take a time out to meet your own needs. Maybe you’re not sure what those needs even are at this point.

This is when it matters most, friends.

Self care isn’t optional. It’s your foundation.

Over the years, I’ve created what I call the Nourish framework for energy management and self-care to help my clients find what works for them. Using evidence-based practices and clear steps, it’s effective and incredibly simple to implement. Anyone has time for it. It all breaks down to four pillars and a minimum effective dose.

Nourish: Four pillars that nourish you from the inside out

Each pillar is made up of many, many potential practices — limited only by your own creativity. I’ve listed a few areas of focus below as examples to get you thinking about what you might include in your own.

Your mind

• Thoughts and beliefs
• Empowering narratives
• Look for what’s right
• Vision and focus
• Listen deeply to yourself
• Carve out space

Your body

• Choose fuel
• Energizing movement
• Real rest
• Conscious breathing
• Body care
• Eliminate old habits
• Ongoing maintenance

Your spirit

• Guiding principles
• Inspiration
• Self-compassion
• Build courage
• Cultivate positive emotions
• Connection

Your environment

• Visual cues
• Boundary setting
• Physical spaces
• Conscious inputs
• Backups and buffers
• Alignment

Commit to a meaningful, do-able self care plan, not fluff.

In life coaching, I often use strategic plans to ground vision in reality. A vision sets out the big picture and the plan helps us take consistent steps to get there. That’s true of life changes, career transitions and it’s true when it comes to taking excellent care of yourself. A good plan guides you towards meaningful actions, avoids overwhelm and helps you stay focused and committed.

When I work with clients to create their own self-care or energy management plans, I have them do the following:

Create natural balance. Many of us think of our self care in a single area (often, the body), but incorporating all four areas creates a stronger base. When you’ve fully integrated practices from all four pillars into your regular routine, then you can add more. 

Establish a minimum effective dose. Micro-actions are incredibly powerful. Create new habits ore easily by leveraging small pockets of time, tiny wins and the smallest efforts that deliver a nourishing result. Instead of holding yourself to a new meditation practice, think about 10 minutes of breathing or quiet time.

Pay attention.What are you noticing when you’re making these micro changes? Which pillars feel the most natural to engage in and which are more challenging for you? What new ideas are you inspired to try? Make this plan uniquely yours by choosing practices that speak to you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else finds most nourishing—this is about listening to you on the deepest level.

Keep going. As you naturally manage your energy better and build a nourishing foundation, you’ll want to keep going. Spiral up by deepening your 4 practices, adding another 4 practices, or even add one or two pillars at a time, focusing on what would feel most nourishing to you.

If you’d like more help with this, get in touch! Or check out the self-guided Nourish online class for specific practices and to create your plan.

Photo credit: Markus Spiske/Unsplash

• • • • What’s motivating them to want this change that they’re creating
      • What will motivate them to keep going when there are challenges
      • What to do if they aren’t feeling motivated anymore
      • How can they motivate others to get on board

In most cases, the answers all lie in the ability to find and harness their natural fuel. When you’re building your fuel reserves, you tap into a natural energy source that can pull you forward, increasing your performance, well being and results.

Whether we’re talking about life, work or well-being (or all three, as they are usually intimately intertwined), we don’t run without fuel. And that fuel is different for each of us.

There is no one-size-fits-all fuel. It’s a blend of our unique drivers and makeup. For most of us, becoming more aware of what fuels and drains us can dramatically change how we approach where we’re trying to go. It can also make the journey there a bit easier and more fun.

Some of us may already know what we’re good at, what we like, what truly matters to us. Some of us understand that, but don’t necessarily put it into practice. If you’re not sure– or if you’re not aligning your life and work to provide a good dose of daily fuel– then it’s time to do some serious investigations.

Here are six key places to start:

Strengths.

What are you naturally good at? Most of us have an inkling of our talents, the activities and traits that have been called out in us for years by others. Maybe you’re the empathetic listener that all your friends call on in a crisis, or the go-to person for technical problem-solving in your office. You might be someone who is a natural rapport builder or the leader who excels at aligning people behind change initiatives. However most of us don’t have a fully formed picture of what our portfolio of strengths looks like — or how to use them.

When you’re able to fully identify your strengths, you tap into a deeper, more natural fuel. Think beyond the basic mantra of “use your strengths” and think about how you can and do use the ones that are so ingrained that you don’t even think about them. Think about the ones that you could develop and use more. And think about about those areas that are not your strength and how you can navigate around them instead of letting them drain you.

Preferences.

Just like you prefer to use your right hand or your left, you also have plenty of personality and work style preferences that are innate to you. Do you lean more introverted or extroverted? Do you feel at home with lots of possibilities or clear facts and figures? Do you prefer to focus on people, data, ideas or things?

Understanding more about your natural preferences and honoring them whenever possible, creates natural fuel because you’re tapping into you at your best and most authentic. Instead of trying to change or compensate for your natural preferences, get to know them a bit better. Embrace them. Stop trying to be a square peg in a round hole. You’ll have much more fun and energy when you can see the value of deciding you will choose the square hole.

Core values.

We talk a lot about values around here and that’s because having a clear sense of what is personally meaningful and important to you is critical to creating fulfillment in your life. Whether we are paying attention or not, they’re there (sometimes buried under life’s distractions, but they’re there).

If you never set a goal, what would you still be doing? What are you consistently drawn to over time? What is so much “you” that it underlies everything you do? That’s about values. When you spend the time to know your values and actively align yourself with them, your natural fuel skyrockets.

Pleasure.

Simple pleasures get all the attention, and infusing your day with these moments can transform how you experience your daily life. It’s a simple way to increase well being and satisfaction, and it often costs little to nothing. These are the so-called “little things” that make us feel rich and nourished.

Pleasure can also be larger than that. What are the big fun things that you would love to do but haven’t? Take that overseas trip you’ve always wanted? Spend an entire day on your own and revel in the peace and quiet? Rent a beach house for your extended family? Take up singing? These are all real-life examples from my clients. In each case, they created a whole lot of pleasure before, during and after they made them happen.

Dreams.

What are the dreams that you’ve been working on? What are the ones that you’ve secretly harbored but not invested in, or shared with anyone? The ones it is time to finally move forward on? Whether your dreams are small or large, personal or professional, endorsed by others or not, they are valid, real and yours.

Spend some time with them and let them inspire you. And then get busy putting one of them into action, even if just for fifteen minutes a day.

Meeting your needs.

Often we don’t think about needs as fuel, if we think about them at all. The truth is, knowing what your needs are and what you need to be at your best is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It’s the first step to ensuring that those needs can be met, and there are few things that will drain your natural fuel like having a lot of unmet needs trying to get your attention.

Don’t wait around for anyone else to tell you what you need, meet your needs for you, or, worse, intuit what they are and how you want to meet them. Start with yourself first. It may take some digging to figure out what you need to be at your best, but as soon as you know, it’s time to start putting strategies in place to be sure that you can be.

As you start to understand what naturally fuels you– and what has the opposite effect– you can more effectively build this into your life and your work.

Over time, your fuel reserves will grow and evolve with you. You’ll know how to recognize and prioritize them and that can create a deep foundation for sustainable success.

Your challenge: If one or more of these areas is resonating with you right now, there is most likely natural fuel and energy waiting to be unleashed there. Start there first. Test and try a few things, stick with what feels energizing and you’ll see lasting results.

Image credit: Sara Farshchi/Unsplash

This often comes as a surprise when it’s a change that we really want. But it doesn’t matter if you’re adjusting to the realities of the promotion you finally won or managing a personal transition that you weren’t expecting.

Whether you worked for this, whether it’s the next step of your vision or something you didn’t see coming, challenges will arise. If you are fully in, those challenges will stretch you.

In fact, so many of us are moving at warp speed these days that even regular daily life can be full of ups, downs and surprises. I’m hearing that a lot, lately. 

Fortunately, we have plenty of research to show how we can learn to be a bit more resilient in the face of this reality.

While many people think of resilience as the ability to withstand and move past adversity, I see it as a bit broader than that. It’s really about being able to surf with the changes and challenges of life— those we initiate and those we don’t— and thrive.

How? By changing perspective. Cultivating positive responses. Better understanding the differences between what we control and what we don’t.

We can build a mindset that helps us move forward, instead of spinning us into anxiety.

We can change our narrative from “nothing works” to “this one thing didn’t work, but let’s try something else.”

We can step out of the past and into the future, and ground ourselves in where we are going instead of what we are moving away from. (Or to paraphrase Albert Einstein, we can stop attempting to solve problems with the thinking that created them.)

When we do this, it changes things. That doesn’t mean that life suddenly turns magical and all of your problems vanish. But it does mean that life is always a bit magical when we are open to seeing that and our problems can appear quite different depending on how we’re looking at them.

One way that I like to work with this is to know where you’re headed and place yourself there in your mind.

If you know where you’re headed, it can be much easier to find an empowering perspective that feels truthful and helps you to resolve or surf with the challenge. And that, my friend, is a lot less stressful.

Try exploring these questions:

• What is the result that you truly want in this situation? What does success look like for you?
• If you could see this challenge from the point of view of where you’re going, and not where you’ve been, what would look and feel different?
• How would “future you” handle this situation? 
• If you were already at your definition of success, how did you get there?
• Where else have you successfully handled a similar challenge? How did you do it?

Are you acting from where you’re headed? Or are you stuck in trying to navigate from where you’ve been?

Take an honest inventory. Celebrate where you are getting the results you want, and where you’re not, maybe it’s time to start with your success in mind.

Photo credit: Marion Michele via Unsplash.

Creative networking, a flash resume and smart personal branding might get you in the door. 

Performing consistently high-quality work and contributing to your organization’s strategic goals can help you move up the ladder.

But building a fulfilling and sustainable work life is just as often—and perhaps more often— about the life skills that you bring to everything that you do.

Here are 7 life skills that can greatly increase your effectiveness, enjoyment and impact:

Know what you want.

Creating a personal and professional strategic plan for yourself eliminates a lot of decision drama because you are grounding yourself in who you are and what is most important to you. It also gives you clear and coherent direction for action and criteria for evaluating opportunities. And yet, “What do you really, really want?” is still one of the toughest questions I ask as a coach. It stops many people cold. It elicits a laundry list of unrelated “goals” from others. Try asking this of yourself every day and watch what happens.

Trust yourself. 

Learning to fully trust yourself is a lifelong practice, but it is one that is worth actively working on. This can look like:

• Allowing that you want what you want (even when it’s an unconventional path) 
• Believing that you have or can develop the resources and capabilities you need (even when you’ve never done something before) 
• Edging out of your comfort zone (even when uncertainty makes you sweat)
• Developing and respecting your intuition (even when that feels new for you)

Speak up, authentically.

Speaking up in an impactful way is a powerful skill, and you may have to move out of your comfort zone to practice it well. That doesn’t mean having all the answers or talking just to be visible. It’s about telling the truth to yourself and sharing your ideas with others. (Your coach is a great place to start!)

For example, one client of mine (we’ll call her Sarah), was highly respected and seen as an emerging leader in her organization. And yet, she was continually silent in meetings with senior staff. More important, she was silent to herself about what she really wanted to contribute and create. Telling the truth and speaking up to herself gave her the confidence and the motivation to speak up and share her ideas at work, too, quickly gaining her more responsibility and a promotion.

Set healthy boundaries. 

Your physical and mental well-being are the biggest assets that you have, and yet we’re always outsourcing them. I’ve talked to a number of senior leaders who are earnestly working to build happier, healthier work cultures, but, as a few have pointed out, they can only provide the container and set the example. (One CEO who is making a big shift in his company culture has started walking around and asking his people to please leave the office on time.)

It’s easy to blame external obstacles for not setting our boundaries, but the truth is that we all need to make those choices for ourselves. And yes, sometimes that is hard. But we can take steps. Close the door. Put buffers in your schedule. Hold shorter and more effective meetings. Take a walk at lunch. Hit the gym. Monotask. Leave on time. Do what it takes to manage your energy within the container that you’re given.

Listen more than you speak.

The smartest person in the room is often not the one holding court at meetings. The strongest leaders are the ones who put their phone down and have a conversation with their team members. One of the best skills you can master is the art of fully listening to your colleagues, managers, customers—well, everyone in your life. When you strive to listen more than you speak, you will learn more, understand more and create stronger relationships and more innovative solutions. Consider memorizing the WAIT (Why Am I Talking?) acronym or sticking it to your laptop screen.

Take responsibility.

Most people think about taking responsibility as owning when they screw up. That’s just one small piece. Take full responsibility for what you want, for what you are choosing, what your actions are creating and for the conversations and situations that you are putting your energy into. Take responsibility on work assignments that interest you.

When Sarah, the client above, took responsibility for her professional goals and her personal priorities, she was able to negotiate a promotion that delivered the more challenging work she craved without adding additional scheduling challenges or time away from her family.

Engage your curiosity.

Curiosity is one of the easiest ways to engage new thinking and create meaning or innovation in your work. Assume little and ask lots of questions: How does this process need to work? What do my customers truly want? What if we tried this instead? What are the trends we should be paying attention to?

It’s also a great relationship-builder: What is the other team trying to accomplish when they are (seemingly) putting roadblocks in our way? What do you think about this solution?

Consider, too, blurring the lines of personal and professional, as a way to bring new perspectives into your work. Personal pursuits or interests that stretch you and engage your curiosity and creativity make you a more well-rounded person— and that is an invaluable asset in an increasingly multi- disciplinary world.

A previous version of this post originally appeared on Noomii Career Blog.
Photo: Sally Anne Carroll

What’s on your agenda for this coming year?

Are you firmly in the resolutions camp, proclaiming that you will lose weight, make more money, save more money, tick off the bucket list, do something epic, finally stop (insert your bad habit here) and start (insert your virtuous habit here).

Or maybe you are in the oppositional camp of “I never set New Year resolutions because they don’t work.”

Even as a coach and someone who is personally dedicated to consciously ending and starting my year, I find this resolutions/no resolutions conversation all a bit exhausting and counterproductive.

That’s because so much of the conversation at this time of year is grounded in an underlying message of “not enough”. It’s healthy to want more, to grow personally and professionally, and create more of what you want in life. But we all need a more positive approach.

Pushing away from “not enough” to be “better” often fails to set us up for success and happiness. Instead, it puts us on a roller coaster.

It tends to look like this: This is the year that you will do all the things (many of which you are not necessarily committed to doing). It will be the year of the big breakthrough. The year you make the same resolution you’ve made for the last five, but actually do it. And you make an initial effort until enthusiasm wanes or life interrupts and that effort slowly peters out.

Many clients have come to me burned out from doing all the things, from playing this perfectionist game, from constantly trying to have more impact, move to the next level—without really checking in with themselves along the way. And many of them have benefitted from trying a different way.

Don’t set another resolution to be somehow “better” in the next year. Ask yourself this: What if the next 365 days in front of you were a canvas waiting for your next creation? What would you want to create?

Be honest with yourself about what you want and what that will get you. No judgment. No comparisons. And for happiness and true progress’s sake, please no more resolutions to be bigger and more badass (whatever that even means).

Choose to be fully yourself, and if you’re not clear on who that is, then commit to exploring that. Do more of what you love. Take the time you need to know what that is.

Explore your ideas and intuitions about what’s next for you. Learn to trust what you already know and what you’re discovering. Find the ways to address your challenges and pursue your vision that feel connected to who you are and what matters most to you.

Instead of setting yet another New Year goal or resolution, ask yourself some powerful questions. Then create an initiative or two (or three) for yourself that feels inspiring and grounded in your answers.

Here are a few of my favorite questions to get you started:

Is the fire lit under you actually your fire? If there is no fire, what would energize you?

What do you want to have or experience more of in the coming year? What would you like less of?

Where do you want to challenge yourself more? Where would you like less of a challenge?

What standards will you hold yourself to in the coming year?

What will you expect of yourself? What expectations will you let go of?

How would you like to show up in your corner of the world this year? What will you need to do, have or learn so that you can do that?

What will you give your time, energy and attention to? What will you give less time, energy and attention to?

How will you be supportive of and take good care of yourself this year?

Remember, wherever you are now is enough to envision what is next for you and start to build that. There is nothing that you need to improve, unless that feels right to you. It’s time to let go of any pressure to be more or better than last year’s model and all of the negative and/or comparison-based messaging that is underneath that.

Let’s choose instead to harness January’s natural “new beginnings” energy to get clear and intentional about what you most want and take positive, inspired steps to create that. No resolutions required.

If you’d like help in staying accountable to what you’re creating, check out The Momentum Club for affordable, private accountability-focused laser coaching.

Photo by Brooke Lark/Unsplash.