why li 歪理

august hike

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 04:01:00 +0000

sweltering day in portland. i left town before mid-day and went to the beach. finally -- it was a sort of retreat that i had promised myself. i had decided on this only yesterday, so it was too late to book lodging -- motels are running about $150 along the coast. i thought one day would just be fine, and indeed it was.

i packed a light lunch, picnic blanket, and a couple of books. the destination was a semi-random pick: cape meares -- i had heard that it had both beaches and trails. the hike down to the beach was about a mile of gentle descent through the woods, which reminded me how much i used to enjoy my monthly hikes during my last couple of years in the bay area. the beach was rocky rather than sandy, and it was small. but it offered perfect quietitute. i had my snacks, read, stood in the waves, watched ants, and did my daily qigong. the beach was mine the whole time except an occasional hiker once a while -- i wondered if the image of me sitting on a log reading seemed oddly surreal.

the point of going away was to not have goals, or items on a list to check off. i didn't even make myself think too much. so check on that one.

in the car, i listened to Po Bronson's audio book Why Do I Love These People, a book about families with real stories of people he intereviewed. i have to admit although i wasn't very enthusiastic in the beginning, i did enjoying hearing most of the stories. i had thought Bronson was going to offer one-sided views on the importance of family, which he does in a way, but he also has thoughtful insights on the role of family and how it's evolved. i'd recommend this book to anyone who has had or is having issues with family or partners -- it's not a self-help book; the stories have quite a range in terms of its protagonists' cultural, racial, class, and generational backgrounds and trajectories, but i think everyone can related to some aspects of almost every story.

click this photo for all pictures from the hike:

is it because i'm asian?

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 03:15:00 +0000

I was getting lunch at a cafe in an affluent neighborhood of portland near campus. A cute family owned vietnamese place with a slight Asian-fusion bent. I got my number and walked to the back of the cafe -- i wanted to sit on the couch there and read while waiting for my food to arrive. A woman across from the couch stood up from her table and put down something on the coffee table in a guarding manner, i was about to ask if that couch was taken when she interrupted me and asked "are you the one with the scooter?" I said "yes!", ready to smile, not unfamiliar with this opening line of compliments. The following utterance came out of her with little room for my interjections:

Woman: "You are a rude driver! My friend got in the door fuming and said you cut her off twice! (Me: "really? i don't rememb....") You went around her when she was stopped in traffic, (Me: "Oh, that I rememb...") and you stopped at a yellow light, and took up the whole lane! She was fuming when she got here!"

I was properly annoyed and impatient with this mad woman by this point. I said "ok, going around and cutting in front of her, that was my fault, but i had the right to use the whole lane." (that was one of the first things motorcyclists had to learn -- to ride in the middle of the lane to deter cars from pushing you over. but what's the point explaining this to her?) Seeing that what she had put down on the coffee table was just an unbussed plate from a previous diner, I moved towards the end of the couch, ready to get on with my own business. As if fearing the imminent reality that i would ignore her from this point on, the woman leaned closer and said,

"I hope you wouldn't sit here." there was almost a trace of smile on her face.

pause, stare, "are you kidding me?"

"No, i'm not, I really hope you wouldn't sit here."

i could have left in a puff with a string of passive aggressive words, but i didn't. she was looking at me and i was looking at her big ridiculous vintage sunglasses, and i said, "what, do you own this place?"

she went back to her lonely table with a "no" and sat down.

"well then." i sat down, ready to put this behind one more time, but she turned around again and as if to reconcile, "i'm saying, it's dangerous to cut people off like that, you put people's lives on the line." (1. the cars were stopped, there was no danger in going around them, which she didn't even witness herself; 2. now she wants to be my auntie?)

i was getting fed up, "listen, i'll apologize to your friend for cutting her off, but i have nothing else to feel bad about. and you should realize how rude YOU are, to yell in my face and tell me not to sit here. you have no right..."

Woman: "i didn't say that. i didn't say that. I said 'I hope,' 'hope'...."

I don't know why she needed to say everything twice now. i was speaking my perfectly native-sounding American english. I gave her my final look and began to read. There was no further point to make. Her friend came back to their table a few minutes later, looking perfectly okay, no fumes, just big hips, and rather smiley i'd say. I talked straight to her from my couch, apologized for cutting her off earlier. She graciously thanked me, adding that it was dangerous the way i was riding (i put out a mild argument but didn't pursue it) and that she was pissed off because she was in a hurry to get here. (It was becoming vaguely apparent that this woman was late and her friend was irritated and i was a convenient blame.) Her friend, woman #1, turned to me in the middle and apologized for her earlier whatever behavior -- she was somehow sheepish all of a sudden and i couldn't make out all of her words. I expressed my understanding and we retreated to each of our own worlds.

Call me sheltered, but i honestly don't remember ever encountering such direct, blatant animosity in my 12 years in this land of gold. And certainly didn't expect it to happen in this part of this west coast, famously progressive city. In the afternoon, after i got back to my office, I couldn't help wondering if it's got anything to do with me being Asian -- that a random woman would be bold and entitled enough to call me "rude" in a cafe crowded with lunching people, for something she didn't even see me do, and then, with a pre-mature smile of triumph, verbally "hope" that i would not sit across from her. Would she have confronted me the same way if i weren't 5 foot tall, with straight black hair in a cute bob, and an objectively sweet-looking face? She certainly didn't expect me to talk back to her the way i did. I too, am equally proud and surprised that I stood my ground unflinchingly. The old me, or should i say a younger me, would not have succeeded in that attempt. I would have tried to avoid conflict, therefore totally confirming the meek Asian stereotype, in addition to the "rude and dangerous driver" one.

Portland is neat in many ways but its whiteness has been wearing on me lately. I first became fully aware of its effect on me when I went back and stayed at Stanford for 10 days in June. It was right around graduation so the campus was bustling with students moving and partying and I found myself surprised by the amount of Asian faces I walked by each day. Instead of feeling i'm back in Cali, I almost felt i was back in China. I also caught myself in a fleeting moment of scare one day when a tall black student athlete was walking down my way, in broad daylight. I laughed at myself: wow, i am my own perfect data point for implicit stereotyping. But deep down, it's scarier to think what one has become after a short year living in a metropolitan area that's 87% white, and working at a college that's 75% white.

In a community where you fit in, it is so easy to assume you are just like everyone around you. In coffee shops, on the street, i often don't see any asian faces, and when i do spot one, they usually make me acutely aware of how i look different from everyone around me. Having studied race for all these years, I had never been so personally aware of my race in California. But Portland brings it out. And this incident, i can't help registering it with a race tag in parentheses.

the long post where i tell you everything... (part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:45:00 +0000

-- everything i've been meaning to write about here, anyway...

i've begun to suspect that the peaks and valleys of my intention to close this blog coincides with my menstrual cycle. (how's that for a start?) i was told around mid-thirties, women's menstrual symptoms tend to magnify -- cramps, mood swings, ... everything gets worse. this has been true for me i've noticed. i started writing this post after crying myself awake one morning during my last period. i had meant it to be the last one, but of course, a week later, i've changed my mind again.

still, i am feeling compelled to write this long post -- perhaps it will be my last blog post here, perhaps not, but i'm almost certain it will be the longest... the problem is it's going to take a long time to write, and a long time for people to read when it comes out in one piece, if i ever finish it. so i thought i'd just publish it in parts as i write.

9-6-09

we are each made of people who've touched our hearts one way or another. like a tree is made of the winds, sun rays, raindrops, squirrel traces and bird poops that it lets pass or stay. people touch our hearts with their love, and with ours that they bring out, sometimes mixed with happiness and hope, sometimes with sadness, resentment, longing, and despair. who do you choose to let stay?

i've recently been called a "go-getter." by someone who doesn't really know me though, so this person's words carry little validity to contradict my long-established self identity as a giving, unselfish, sometimes overly accommodating person. but i still find myself bothered, because the word carries such negative connotation, especially when the "go-getter" behavior refers to a woman getting a man she desires, a man who, for this and that reasons in the eyes and logic of normal people, perhaps shouldn't be hers. but i'm not here to talk about gendered norms of intimate relationships (i'll save that for my class), nor do i really feel the need to clear my name; i am here to talk about love, to friends who are surprised or puzzled by me from time to time, and to strangers who are curious enough to read this.

ex is getting married in a month. i am happy for him. he was too shy to talk about her when i last called, but a mutual friend showed me some pictures of her -- she looked cute and sweet and there was brightness and presence in her smile. it is not my place to approve of her or not; my poignancy stems not from jealousy, but from a sense of relief that the abandonment was not fatal, that he is finally well, and this new woman, perfectly adorable, is proof.

no loved one is ours to keep. not friends, not our children, not our legally wedded spouses for fifty years, not the one who calls you the love of their life, nor the one who begs and finds a way to stay. they are not ours to keep because we are made of all of them. we are made of that pale green hawaiian shirt he used to wear for happy outings every time, that rare moment of tenderness when he stroked your hair instead of yelling at you for missing a left-turn light, the curly lock of hair on his forehead that he himself wasn't fond of, the way he'd scratch his cheek with the back of his thumb, the blossoming of his smile as you caught sight of each other, that self-reproaching tut he let out in front of everyone when you slipped on grass and he thought he had made you fall, the weight of his sweat drops on your skin, how he once came to your dreams through the ceiling...

[to be continued]

portland walks #1: laurelhurst

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 04:04:00 +0000

portland is a perfect place for doing a project like walking berkeley. we all know i would fail miserably if i set out to walk every street of portland, though. i don't have a scooter and a car for no reason. plus, i'm an INFP - I Never Finish Projects. still, the idea of exploring portland on walks excites me and today i finally dragged my ass out of the house and did a bit more walking than 3 blocks to the cuban restaurant.

i went to laurelhurst park and walk back through a bit of the laurelhust neighborhood. pictures are here with captions and cats!

i almost said goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 07:03:00 +0000

this blog has been in existence for 3 years. about a week ago while i was contemplating the journey of the blog and the recent turns in my life, i decided it was time to say goodbye--i would leave the blog as is, but there would be no more posting after the anniversary/goodbye post.

in the past year, postings here have been sparse and i haven't had time to write thoughtfully. most of you are also on facebook where you get instant updates of my whereabouts and whatabouts; double-posting is not entirely blog-motivating as you can imagine. a main reason though, is that i feel i may not be able to write freely about deeply personal issues for a while. starting a teaching job and fearing students bumping into the blog is only a small part of this. in recent months, my personal life has taken unexpected turns that make it unwise to share too much of my inner world publicly, which truly saddens me -- not to be able to live life as openly as one aspires to.

but i've obviously changed my mind (see title). perhaps the past week's orientation at the college uplifted my mood. i may retract it after the first week of teaching, but i can't remember feeling this easy to fit in during any of the past institutional transitions. (i will have to find time to do a separate post on this.) so i'm not quitting the blog, but honestly, teaching will take up most of my time so i'm not sure how much i will be writing here anyway. we'll see how it goes.

on a lighter note, some of you are still waiting to hear how i'm settling in at the new place. i'm glad to report that i've been really enjoying portland. such a neat city, easy to navigate, great public transportation, has all my favorite/familiar stores (trader joe's, world market, etc.) and plus, i'm no longer the only one in store with a huge backpack since so many people in this town bike everywhere, including grocery stores.

i've finally taken some photos of my new place -- there's still some work to be done here and there but it's in functional shape. in fact, it's much neater than my old place during the last half a year!

moved!

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 04:57:00 +0000

i've moved and here's the updated, not well-documented moving chronicle:

more pictures of the new place later. it's actually in pretty good shape now, thanks to my wonderful sister for helping me unpack, and i've been really enjoying it, but there's a little bit more shopping and rearranging to do which will probably have to wait till a couple of weeks into the new semester.

class starts on monday!

2 day from moving day

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 23:16:00 +0000

i've decided to truck it to portland instead of using a moving company, which at the last minute turned out to be not ideal both in terms of budget and convenience. sister will be driving with me.

i'm almost done packing, or so i feel.

on another note, i spent a few days at sea ranch with friends earlier this week and it was a wonderful mini-vacation. photos on flickr.

p.s. blog posts may remain terse for the next couple of weeks. bear with me...

2 weeks from moving day

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:05:00 +0000

2 weeks from moving day
Originally uploaded by y_li

moving day is 8/17. i'm using a moving company so that's the day the truck comes to load stuff. i drive up the same day or the next, depending on how fast the loading goes. it's in two weeks but i really just have one week to pack, which i barely started, and say goodbye to all my friends, and at the same time, try to deal with course logistics and other things at the college. yeekes!!

photos will be posted from time to time in this album... click thru to view on flickr....

i have an address in portland!

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:30:00 +0000

i've talked to some of you individually about this, but for those who haven't heard, i went to portland for apartment hunting last weekend. it was a last minute decision, and turned out to be a good one. even though it is a renter's market, decent places in desirable neighborhoods go fast, and owner-landlords, unlike management companies, don't like to rent to people they haven't personally met. it was also nice for me to get to know the neighborhoods a little and see what the apartments really look like in person.

anyway, boring story short, i picked out a place fairly quickly. it's an old and small 1 bedroom apartment that's part of a house but has its own separate entrances in the front and back. i have half of a two-car garage. hardwood floors - yes! and, best of all, a small, well-shaded park as my front yard, where i can practice my taiji (hopefully) everyday! :) it's about 5 miles north of Reed, in a fairly residential area with coffee shops, restaurants, and bus stops within walking distance.

no pictures of the apartment yet, but, i do have a picture of the view from my office window at Reed. :)

i am ready to fall in love with portland!

july hike: picnic and fireworks at shoreline

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 23:32:00 +0000

june slipped away without hikes.

i'm counting the july 4th fireworks watching as my july hike. the fireworks were at shoreline park and we parked 2.5 miles away and hauled our picnic stuff over there on foot. it was a great sidewalk hike. we had picnic on the golf course, right outside the yellow line enclosing the pyrotechnicians. we played card games, endured a bit of the evening chill, and watched all 300 and more fireworks -- one of our friends brought a little radio so we could hear the pyrotechnician counting. i'm not so keen on the idea of celebrating 4th of july, but the fireworks were majestic and the picnic was great fun. we walked back after the show and gloatingly passed about 2 miles of traffic-jammed cars.

that was the 4th, which still counted as the beginning of july, but in the blink of an eye, a third of july is almost gone. should i panic? or should i stay calm? -- is there a choice to make?

commencement

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 22:07:00 +0000

for those of you who aren't on facebook, i did my "walk-through" at the departmental commencement last weekend. i was also recruited last minute to be the doctoral student speaker -- it appears none of my 7 fellow graduates wanted to do it for various reasons. i thought 3 minutes would be easy, but it wasn't. i scribbled my last lines while i was walking from the car to the commencement site. and the speech took 6 minutes, although i heard it didn't feel long. phew. all done now. parents were happy and proud; lots of photos were taken.

photos from my camera and a friend's camera are on flickr.

if you haven't seen, my commencement speech is here (click thru to youtube if you need to see the scripts -- it's in the video description on the right):

now i move on back to dissertation writing! woohoo! yeah....

if anyone's been missing my scooter...

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 05:19:00 +0000

scooter says hi! we're currently at mile 4909.4, which, incidentally, is a rearrangement of the same digits from the very first scooter mileage picture. this loyal ride has been with me for 2 years now. (the last one was with me for a little over 2 years before being stolen - i hope this one has better luck!)

May hike 2: Skyline Ridge revisited, with parents

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:37:00 +0000

took parents hiking for the first time on memorial day. we went to skyline ridge, where i hiked on my birthday last year. it was an easy hike and they had fun. we started at noon and went to the alpine pond and horseshoe lake. didn't see many turkey vultures hovering the valley, and i missed the frog croaks that made the horseshoe lake sound so serene last time -- i'll have to revisit it in the late afternoon some day.

May hike: the dish (no photos)

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Tue, 05 May 2009 06:53:00 +0000

this morning after taiji class i took a hike at the dish. i had wanted to do that in April, when the foot hills were lushly green. it is still mostly green up there now, but patches of beige appear here and there. beautiful views of the hills and the bay. would have been nice if i had put a memory card in my camera. i even undid my belt in front of a puzzled-looking middle-aged man to fit the camera case onto my waist... but camera told me no memory card when i was ready to take the first picture.

perfect day for hiking -- overcast and slightly breezy. the trail was full of pairs and groups of chatty women. strollers and double strollers. squirrels in the middle of the road who apparently weren't aware of human existences. not exactly the kind of peace and quiet i needed - i missed my completely lonesome birthday hike last year.

off path near the big dish, there was a big tree, and two dead tree trunks. i sat on one and buried my face in my arms for a while. the past two weeks have been very draining. mother needed more emotional management because of a minor health issue and her resistance every step of the way during what could have been the simplest clinic visits and medicine routine -- we're fine now but the process was rather frustrating. aside from that, i was inadvertently entangled in what should have been other people's personal drama which, if i could tell, would intrigue the inner detective in everyone. an unexpected love interest that was unexpectedly miscarried. and it's been 3 weeks since my job interview and i haven't heard a word (they had told me it would take a while so there seems no point asking...).

i wish i could get away for a couple of days but i guess short hikes will do for now.

oh, and my butt hurts from this hike. oy - lame....

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 07:54:00 +0000

is another world possible?

longings...

remind me what's precious, why i'm here,
how long i've stayed, how much harder i should not try...

longings.

... for a whispering breeze from a past life
a heartbeat skipped
a smile framed
a butterfly promised

but i am love now
- yes love is me.
and i thought i saw the golden world
a second time...

perhaps this is it,
perhaps a glimpse is all i need...
to remind me what's precious, why i'm here

and the longing of all longings,
goodbye to all interrupted goodbyes,
embrace me from opposite sides.

give me a petal
turn me into a dew drop
and let me shine

easy gold medal

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 02:44:00 +0000

so i won gold at my taiji competition at the CMAT 17. there was no alternative result since i was the only competitor for that event -- adult female beginner open chen style. dad took this clip:

it was rather confusing and i was called to the stage unexpectedly soon so i was a little nervous and started faster than i normally did when practicing, but it seems unnoticeable. the beginner score ranges from 6 to 7, and i got 6.8 -- so not too bad.

not many female adult competitors in general in the internal martial arts (which is mostly taiji and its kins). in fact, very few. my teacher's group has me and 5 guys competing this year. taiji seems to attract the older population, the introverted, and the non-competitive. women in my class mentioned "stage fright," "don't like being competitive" when i asked them why they're not entering the tournament -- note that they were not saying "oh i don't think i'm good enough" or "oh i don't really have time"... it's fear of being evaluated publicly and being perceived as macho. to my delight though, today one of the younger women from my class, a beginner like me, who came to cheer for us told me she was pondering entering the tournament next year in the push-hands events. i don't think i can claim credit in her inspiration but it was just heartening to hear that.

so, victory in taiji! now i need to move on to the job interview. leaving monday afternoon and back wednesday afternoon. wish me luck!

this is for you people who can't come to my taiji competition on saturday

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 01:19:00 +0000

the CMAT is not so well-organized. we still don't have even a draft schedule. we know it starts at 7 or 8am, and last year it went till 11pm. with that range, i can't even expect any of my local friends to be there! but there'll be other taiji students from our group to cheer us.

anyway, a sneak preview of what i'll be doing -- pretty much the same thing in this video except i hope i'll get rid of a couple of manageable imperfections. oh, and i'll be in uniform. it's really no big deal -- i'll be happy if i win of course, but i don't really care. it's been a good opportunity to work on some difficult moves and to get good feedback from Sifu in general.

i can't believe it's april already

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 06:19:00 +0000

time! time...

i've only got time for a couple of quick updates:

1. parents have been here for over two weeks. except for the first day when i was complaining a lot over at facebook (major, this link is for you!), life has been peaceful and orderly and i'm grateful. when i have more time, i will write about my first night's talk with mother that turned the corner.

2. another hike this month! i went backpacking and camping with friends at point reyes. it was an overnight camping with super easy hikes -- beautiful ocean, beautiful starry sky. makes me not want to leave the bay area. pictures on flickr.

3. i have a job interview coming up. right after my martial arts competition. details about the job later. wish me good luck please!

4. emotional transformation is taking place. a lot of inner world time travel lately. don't know where it's taking me but i'm visibly happier...

do people miss me here?

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 08:21:00 +0000

possibly not much, especially since you probably see me on facebook a lot....

some updates:

1. parents arrive in a week! and will be staying with me this time for 3 months. yep, till after commencement. here the whole time. i'm not sure what i feel about it. i certainly feel very much like a chinese daughter. so much to do before they come: rearrange the furniture in the living room, wash all the sheets, throw away all those bread in the freezer that they kept bringing back from the senior center last time they visited -- that was last september. hide my vibrators -- i don't really use them but i hate to just throw them in the trash; i recycle almost everything, but it's not like you can just recycle vibrators... can you? anyway, so much to do!

2. i skipped hiking in february because it was too busy and too short. didn't have the luxury of time do a birthday hike like last year. but last saturday i went hiking in east bay with a group of friends and it was great fun -- the hills were lush and green after weeks of rain and of course there were much photoshooting again. i only brought my little camera this time, but still you can see how beautiful it was here.

3. i feel i've blogged about this already, but in case not, i'm competing in the annual chinese martial art tournament in berkeley this year, on April 11. i'll be doing chen style taiji form in the female adult beginners group. come see me if you may! the taiji competitions are usually boring because it's too slow, but there are lots of other fancier, performance style competitions that should be fun to watch.

4. still sending out job and postdoc apps. very likely that i'll try to find something local and stay here for another year. more updates on that when i have a clue....

旧日记：有关存在（之一）：社会与人 - old diary: existence (part 1): society and people

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:17:00 +0000

1990-8-7 nietzsche p1
Originally uploaded by y_li

a year before college. i read a book on modern western philosophies and was summarizing what i understood of Schopenhauer and Nietzsche, with my own critiques.

click on the photo to see all 6 pages on flickr.

i was a bit surprised to see myself articulating ideas about tolerance, diversity and compassion back then (page 5). i certainly never deviated much from those ideals, but i wish it hadn't taken me so long to come full circle.

note to self: why i don't need a kindle 2 now

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 07:22:00 +0000

amazon is shipping kindle 2 in 10 days. i've been seriously considering getting a kindle for a while. the two main reasons for wanting one are:

1) i think having a kindle will help me read more, and more often.
2) kindle's built-in dictionary seems like a godsent for anyone whose native language is not english.

so i just spent an hour researching on kindle 2, and decided not to buy one just yet. i needed to write down the reasons in case i forget one day:

1. kindle books are limited. sure, there are over 230k titles, but am i ever going to read stephen king? do i want to have cook books on my kindle and expose the precious gadget to flour, oil splatters, meat juice, etc.? most of the academic books are not available on kindle. do i really want to limit what i read to only the best sellers?

2. $359 + $30 (for a cover) is not unaffordable, but i could use that on a lot of other things, like travel. or go to a dentist.

3. i still have a dozen audio books in possession that i haven't read/listened to.

4. if i'm sitting in front of the computer all day everyday and not reading the new york times or the new yorker or slate, etc., chances are that i won't be reading them on kindle either.

5. i admit the influence from a certain ex on this, but there's just no comparison to holding a paper book in bed.

so, four hundred dollars saved!

for those of you who are considering kindle 2, this (p)review should be helpful: http://ireaderreview.com/

旧日记（情人节版）：他们 - old diary (valentines edition): boys

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 16:03:00 +0000

diary quotes about crushes from age 14-19. my general thoughts at the end.

1988.8.31 Wed.

灰蒙蒙的天空中，想起那双温柔的、关切的眼睛。不知斯人^&hearts今在何方，只恐...无缘再见了。

[^&hearts i'm no longer sure who this boy was. likely someone who went to a different school after middle school since this was written when high school had just started -- that narrows it down to 2 boys... i didn't want to use real names in case the diary was found. plus, at 14, one thinks one would remember everything, everyone forever...]

1988.9.1 Thu.

另一个^&hearts，低头坐在石头上，那样子，唉，当时我是如何感动，可是----
...
也许应该把这两份美丽的记忆收好，必竟，那是很温柔的回忆。今后，无须记牵，那是无法知晓的事。
我最需要的是坚强，是摆脱的力量。

[^&hearts don't remember who this "other one" was either.]

1988.9.13 Tue.

下午自习，和后座的C聊了会儿。那是个可爱的男孩。

1989.3.2 Thu.

C^&hearts一开学就愁眉苦脸病怏怏的，还怪我不向他说“新年好”，真孩子气。

[^&hearts this boy and i got along really well -- we chatted a lot. he might have had a crush on me but that possibility had never occurred to me until i was reading this recently. in my adolescent years i was only attracted to the silent type, those who stared at me from across the classroom but never really talked to me much. the silence and distance provided a lot of room for curiosity and projection of my own inner world.]

1990.4.23 Mon.

昨天早晨梦见T,是他又不像他，多了一种他没有的成熟和力量。...他的手大而有力，是我所熟悉的。
...我的铠甲那么快乐闪亮似孩童，我的笑容那么轻易地绽放如花朵。
可我是那么地累，那么地悲哀。

1991.1.7

...又过了一年，换老话说，又长了一岁。其实，长的不是年龄，而是心情。就在这一页的背面，十一月的心情还是那样沉落孤寂，而今天已明朗得多了。
说起来，还要归功于AA。若不是他搬到前排来坐，有一个人可以瞎聊，也许今天的心情会和从前一样封闭孤独。
我和他们在冰场上踢球，毫不犹豫地“冲锋陷阵”。.... 和男生在一起的好处是想叫就可以大叫，不想笑就可以不笑，不象和女生在一起，说话要关心你关心她的，还要满脸傻笑。*

[* this simply reminds me again of one of my favorite feminist quotes: "I grew up believing that there were three sexes: men, women and me" (Jo Freeman). note that these are not girls in my immediate friends circle.]

1991.9.8 星期日
[first weekend in college]

如果将来我在几个男人之间纠缠不清，那一定是我的错。

[this hasn't happened yet. and likely won't happen in the future. i tend to stay fond and affectionate towards my exes, but have been only committed to one lover at a time. life is complicated that way already.]

1992.2.16-20
[back to college from first winter break, reviewing reunions with different groups of classmates and friends.]

...只有他[N]，忽然转脸问我知否第三个人是谁。我说不知道。他便说他喝过很多次酒，也醉过很多次，却从未认错过人。然后说出我与上面二人的名字。我好像暗暗吃了一惊，又好像隐隐预知了答案。...
忽然觉得人生布满了陷阱，本已久久地置下，却在多年后不经意的跌了进去。
...
他[T]的手是那么坚定而温暖，我不忍拒绝。直到过了好一阵，没有别的姿势可换，才说了声“行了”，拿开了他的手。我会永远记得^&hearts车站的那番情景，他为我捂耳朵，姿势并不很温柔，因为胳膊伸得直直的。可是如果再久，我不知会不会哭。
...
从家到火车站的汽车上，我一人坐在窗边，有欲哭的冲动。...想起P去年夏天送我时，独自远远地靠在墙上，我向他挥手，他不笑，也不挥手，只点点头，想来也是因为别离罢。也许并不是针对我，而是联想起他们自己的别离，好朋友近而非近，越离越远了。...这难道不是成长的悲哀吗？
我又想哭了。我很不舍。

[^&hearts this i do remember still. wonder where he is now.]

1992.12.13 星期日
[visiting friends at another university]

然后出去沿着宽阔而无车的马路向着山走。风迎面的吹来，我们三个，我走在他们两人中间，在马路正中走。说不上什么样的心情。既没有回想高中的时光，也没有总结这一年半的大学，也没有什么憧憬。眼中、脑中有的只是那个时刻、那路和路尽头的山。
...
站在车上，车还要走那么长的路。想想和他们在一起的时候，那么轻松亲密，突然有欲哭的冲动*。原来我这些年所缺少的，就是那样一种亲密的友情，或者爱。... 我曾交过的朋友们，我对于他们都是有所保留的。我习惯于掩藏那个感情丰富而脆弱、缺少爱又需要爱的自己。我很想哭*。这是很久以来的寂寞的原因之一。
[* 又来了。词汇量看样子是不够大。:) ]

1993.2.23 星期二
[beautiful handwriting. sad thoughts. beginning of a ten-year relationship...]

*******

as painful to read as these can be, i hope my readers have been entertained for the most part. i suspect that most of my chinese readers have experienced some variation of the angst, insecurity, timidity, longing, and teenage melancholy, but i wonder to what degree of intensity. i've always considered myself a precocious kid, but was i really that unique, or does this describe a hidden side of you as well?

when i was growing up, there were much more rigid norms for gender segregation. even though kids of both sexes went to the same school, same classroom, and sat at the same desk, to hang out with kids of the different sex was rare and strongly discouraged. as a kid i wished that i were a boy -- they had fewer rules to obey and seemed more fun to play with. but as a girl, i didn't have much access. not having a brother makes boys seem more mysterious.

i have more to say about my younger self, but i'm going to wait till after i "publish" more from these old journals. stay tuned for “她们”、“成长”、“生命与存在”. when i'm done, i think i'll call this collection 《少年胖丫的烦恼》 (The Sorrows of Young Yli). for now, though, let me just say that i'm glad to have become a self-loving (finally!) woman who's not afraid...

旧日记（为赋新词）

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 09:14:00 +0000

1989.9.10 星期日

漫长的蜕变

既然    失望
也是生命的一部分
我只有淡淡隐去
那曾有的希冀与梦想
以至在阳光消失的时候
不会太过忧伤
远古以前的那个冬季
风已息
是为平静的海洋
无愁无喜    无浪
那么    在多年
多年以后    会不会有人
记得    那稀疏秀颀的银杏树下
曾有枯碎支离    心状的一叶黄

******************
1990.9.24 MON

在梦里
没有一个月是圆的。
那桌面留下了我渴望的温柔

玻璃烛火下
箫声沉默着
一如既往的期待如窗帘般翻飞
翻飞到虚无

无泪的我竟不如无感的桌
在空洞里孤寂，画心与纸。
懦弱的他竟也如懦弱的我
划指在桌上，不语

秋千荡到蓝色里
命运荡在升腾与堕落之间
心注入水

目光藏在背后
感受遁于无聊
寂静是两个骚动间永恒的主题

黑夜将面具撕去
我渴望的温柔残留桌上
而梦里的星也无归程

旧日记

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 23:55:00 +0000

a couple of nights ago, i needed to look up some old dates, and ended up reading through two journals i kept when i was in high school and college. it was a poignant night to say the least -- to see my troubled, struggling, sensitive, cynical and love-confused teenage self in such clarity. but i also did enjoy quite a few laughs and chuckles. at times i thought, boy this almost describes me right now! :)

i've decided to share parts of these diaries. one of the inspirations is friends' comments on my 25 things post, that they felt there's so much about me that they don't know. i'm not surprised. i'm curious to see if friends could recognize me in these teenage writings. unfortunately, this is not something i can share easily with my non-chinese readers because i simply can't translate it with authenticity. you all will just have to take my word for it when i write up my "teenhood diary analysis"!

below are some entries from when i was 14, in my first semester in high school.

*****************************
1988.9.10 SAT

今天上午上了趟街。回来后什么也没干。

明天政治演讲，稿子还没改好。我这人总是火不烧到眉毛不知急，腿不断不知瘸滋味，不管什么事总是用“车到山前必有路”来搪塞，表面上穷潇洒，心里不知多狼狈！丑陋！

如果想改，就趁早！

今天左手练字也未练。

------最后还是原稿照念。“认清自我”，写的并不由衷，念完了却让全班沉静几秒。完全是应付的嘛，真好笑。装成认真的样子也并不难。 -----88.9.22

*****************************

1988.10.21 FRI

...... 有种欲望想要写点什么，小说、散文之类，又似乎什么也写不出来，真没办法。那天林儿说还想看我写的那篇“长篇小说”，她说挺喜欢，也许看着还不错，但因为男主角的塑造偏离了我的初衷所以写起来不顺手，而且有的语言太没味或太装腔，想改又不好从头写起，于是就搁浅了。它的继续现在没法想，等时机吧。
.....

*****************************

1988.10.24 MON

.....

语文课讲郑振铎的《海燕》。读来是满篇“轻烟似的，一缕两缕的乡愁”，轻柔的文句与叹息，字里看来虽淡虽轻，却有如拂在心上一般地体会与意味。

老师偏讲有向上的力量，海燕有与风浪搏击的精神。文中的海是“平稳得如春晨的西湖一样”的呵！海上的燕子也是“从容”、“安闲”、“舒适”的呀！搞不懂老师是如何鉴赏出来的。我想，他若是站在空旷无人的操场上，站在秋风与飘叶之间静思一会，或许能体会到这淡淡的乡愁罢！
......

*****************************

1988.11.10 THU

......

命运路上一个又一个的意料之外，措手不及，身不由己，抬眼看着将来，茫茫的一片，不知有会有什么惊奇与诧异。

25 things about me

noreply@blogger.com (yli) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 06:39:00 +0000

i knew this was going to happen -- to be tagged for the 25 things meme. it used to be 8 random facts and now people have upped it to 25. anyway, i was actually thinking about doing it anyways after reading really interesting posts. so here you go. and feel free to tag yourself!

1. i'm 35 years old and i've been a full time student since 5. this doesn't bother me much except when i think of my parents -- life course norms are a big thing in china as you may know.

2. i have flea bites all over my waist and thigh from visiting my favorite cat last saturday. ok, i love you dustbunny, but if you don't convince your owner to get more effective flea medicine soon, i'm afraid our purring lap sessions on the toilet are history.

3. in my first 5 years in the U.S., my ex and i collectively owned 11 vehicles (not all at once): 2 bicycles, 2 motorcycles, and 7 cars. i've driven/rode all of them except only as a passenger on the motorcycles. there were two 15-year-old Hondas that cost us $130 and $450 each and lasted for 2 years each. i learned how to drive manual on them and let me tell you, stickshift, coughing engine and no power steering? not a joyous combination.

4. since then i've added 2 scooters to the list, one stolen, one still cute and shining (when i wash it, that is). owning a scooter somewhat compensates for the guilt of owning an SUV.

5. some of the 25 things posts i've read lately sounds a bit like what you see on online dating sites, so here are 3 items copied from my online dating profile:

6. What I'm doing with my life: trying to finish grad school. learning argentine tango and taiji.

7. I'm really good at: procrastinating at finishing grad school.

8. I spend a lot of time thinking about: that it's time to think about my dissertation.

9. speaking of online dating, i've recently updated my profile to be looking for friends only (no time for lovers this year!), and added that i am a feminist, don't contact me if you don't know what it means. in the immediate days that followed, i got multiple messages from different 55-year-olds wanting sex with hot women with great legs (and i had labeled myself "short-legged"!). guess i shouldn't even have bothered ....

10. i learned swimming (breaststroke) when i was 23, and freestyle when i was 32. both were wonderfully enabling experiences. sometimes in my imagination (when i'm not on the scooter enjoying fresh breezes and envious looks), i turn palm drive into commuter swim lanes and its bike lanes into conveyors for backpacks, and i can't help smiling.

11. i wink at kids on the street, in the car, who follow my scooter with turning heads and wide eyes.

12. i've been studying taiji for a little over 4 months now and have been absolutely enjoying it. i just finished learning the whole sequence of the fist form yesterday. woohoo! there's a local chinese martial arts tournament in April, and i'm thinking about entering the beginner competition for taiji.

13. #2 might be mosquito bites. they are rock-sized and resemble the Big Dipper. but i'm still weary of possible fleas on dustbunny.

14. i love dark chocolate. (and hate hersheys. -- they should not be called chocolate.)

15. my two favorite chocolate flavors are raspberry and hazelnut. not original, i know.

16. i have great friends who have beautiful, adorable, smart, loving kids. i am very grateful to these friends for including me in their kids' life. children have wonderful healing powers and so much to teach us about love, the world, and our human selves.

17. one of my all time favorite songs is "killing me softly with his song" -- the original version by roberta flack. i dream about singing it really well in karaoke one day.

18. two of my friends have landed on their dream jobs this year. i am super excited for them. i've also grown suspicious that the reason i haven't found a job yet, or no job has found me yet, is because i don't have a dream job! as reparation, i'm declaring a certain reputable university in francophone canada as my dream job. i welcome all your positive vibes to help send me northeast.

19. though, i have to confess, i don't know what qualifies a dream job really!

20. i had a cousin who was convicted of burglary and executed when he was bearly 18. he had been involved in a gang that had broken into a shop and stolen expensive camera equipment (and was guilty of other prior burglaries). most of the gang members were children of local cadres, so my cousin, whose parents were bank clerks, became the scapegoat. the bullet used in the execution was the price of about three popsicles at that time. i know this because my aunt and uncle had to pay for it.

21. i owe said cousin an apology, for siding with a family member who had said mean things and alienated him when he was staying with my family. it's been 20 years since his death and i have kept my promise to never do anything half as regretful.

22. i live in an intense inner world which i neither conceal nor deny, but i'm very good at keeping a calm surface and i prefer that way.

23. i smoked occasionally in college in order to be cool, until i saw myself in a window reflection one day.

24. i have never been drunk my whole life. don't take this as an invitation to challenge. i don't drink much and i stop when i feel tipsy, like after half a glass of wine. call me a wuss all you want. cheese is an easier taste to acquired than beer.

25. i loved singing and dancing when i was young but i knew i didn't have talent and there wasn't any real opportunity or encouragement to pursue them as hobbies. i'm glad that i discovered tango recently. not only is it fun physically, it's also fascinating to get to know someone right to the core without any of the standard sociological variables such as occupation, father's education, etc. i look at strangers differently now.

go do your self exploration and share! 25 seems a lot when you're on #15, but not enough when you get to #24.