Are you in Codependent Insanity?

Codependency isn’t a biological disease [although it can certainly be a mind disease in that it spreads rapidly from generation to generation or from person to person]. Think of it as a trained state of mind or conditioning that has us placing OUR wellness, happiness, life, future, autonomy in the hands of another person or people to such a degree we’ve lost track of who we really are in exchange for perhaps, what or who OTHERS think we really are. In a term: We think contorting ourselves to others’ perceptions, standards, needs, wants, or desires – or foregoing our own needs, wants, or desires – will ultimately make us happy, keep us safe, or will fulfill some other emptiness we feel.

What ‘The World’ Might Think Codependency is…

I think that people think of codependency as an enmeshment between two people of a romantic partnership (in which they’ve each adopted or co-opted each others’ characteristics, causes, ideas, pains, difficulties, issues, to such a degree that they’ve been absorbed completely into relationship). If they are still individual minds, it’s only secondary. Hence, CO-Dependent. BUT this is an EXTREME love addiction version of codependency. AND just because you’re currently ‘absorbed’ into the newness of a romantic relationship does not mean you are codependent.

Only in being honest with your own self can you know if you might be a good candidate for re-training your mind out of codependency.

What Codependency Really Is

For purposes of this article let’s offer this definition of codependency:

“Hallmarked by patterns of thinking and behaving, we place our autonomy – through training or survival – into the hands of other people.”

Examples of Codie Indoctrinated Thinking …

• If I can anticipate/guess/know others’ needs, I can fulfill their needs.
• If I don’t rock the boat, I will be safe and life will be good to me.
• If I smile at everyone, everyone will like me.
• If I do not share what I think, people will not know me to reject me.
• Learn the rules so I can obey them.

Example Behaviors …

• Faking happiness.
• Avoiding conflict.
• Denying problems.
• People pleasing.

Dominating Emotions/Feelings …

• Fear
• Anger
• Shame
• Depression
• Rejection
• Worthlessness

Sample Thoughts of Codependent Situations …

• “If I am good enough, I will be happy.” (“Do not ‘be bad.’”)
• “If I say the magic phrase, everything will be okay.”
• “I deserve this ______ because of what I did.”
• “My worthiness is contingent upon my perfection.”
• “If they really got to know me, I would not be accepted.”
• “If I do what they want, they will love me.”

The Insanity of Codependency

When the Codie Facebook page’s cover photo says, “The world’s gone all codie…” and in the graphic above reads, “The world’s gone mad…” the terms codie and mad are used interchangeably because contorting ourselves for the sake of the world IS madness. Cultural supporting of it, IS madness. Our homes, families of origin training us into it, IS madness. It is unsoundness of mind.

And when I say madness I mean “unsoundness of mind” (ie, insanity). I do not mean crazy because crazy means no rhyme or reason and there IS reason. Just as alcohol worked for me for many years, codependency has worked to some degree to keep us safe or at least operational in whatever dysfunctional home or social construct we learned it in. See? It makes perfect non-crazy sense. AND yet, it’s mad. :)

And when I say, ‘the world’ I mean that in the hyperbolic and metaphorical sense of the phrase. [ie, "the world" is the people or institutions we're aware of in our existence; family, parents, peers, media, government, employers, employees, school officials, advertising campaigns, the medical profession, etc.]

It can’t be that bad or we’d notice this insanity. Er, Right?

When you’re dreaming, how often do you notice? Or how often do you notice – while flying in your dreams – that your flying makes no sense? In my dreams, it all makes sense. I’m flying and my best friend is a cat and I’m talking to her like she’s always been a cat. But then I wake up from my dream and it still makes sense in my mind but then I try to explain my dream and it sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth. Are you familiar with that? It’s funny isn’t it? And only when I am awake do I realize the ‘nonsense’ [as it relates to my waking consciousness] of the dream. I can still remember the dream and remember how it made sense at the time but know it was just a dream. I look at codie madness the same way.

Everyone’s in this dream and we’re all participating; But because I began recovering from alcoholism and in order to not get numb again I was not satisfied to accept any more illusions. And hence, my codependent recovery. [I also think the HSP nervous system had a lot to do with it.]

Perhaps because it IS so slowly and yet massively indoctrinated and so rigorously accepted and culturally supported, and because we  have so many activities and technological advances [TV, XBox, Facebook, iphone, Netflix, data 24 hours a day, news 24 hours a day, etc.] and medications as fast as the pharmaceutical company can invent them, to keep our minds distracted, oblivious, and fed [maybe malnourished?], perhaps this is why we continue on in life not noticing anything as ‘the matter.’

My Story, for example, involves alcohol keeping me numb and helping me ‘stay fed’ or ‘numb’ from aged 13 [irregularly] to 15 [regularly] and on. But being genetically determined to have the ‘alcoholic’ malady, my solution spiraled into its own problem. Which was my salvation; my miracle.

Social Dis-Eases Spread

And because I DO call it a ‘social dis-ease’ due to its propagation into so many areas of life and being adopted as an acceptable manner of living its manifestations like shame, blame, or manipulation might WORK on the ‘new-to-be-recruited-into-the-codie-dis-ease’ victim. And then we have another one. This person has now learned that shame, blame, and manipulation are how things must be done; they ‘must’ control their external environment before peace, happiness, and wellness can be achieved internally AND they’ve learned properly how to do it. Then the cycle begins again as this person goes out into the world spreading ‘the message of dis-ease.’

But, me. I do well with examples. So let me offer a few along with potential messages this may send to the one receiving the message who grows up understanding and acting within a codependent paradigm:

• “You should be ashamed of yourself.” [Message: "Shame is appropriate for when I'm not perfect."]
• “I can’t believe you let your brother do that!” [Message: "I am responsible for others."]
• “You make me mad!” [Message: "I cause anger in people. I need to learn how to not do that."]
• “If you do that, I will be very angry.” [Message: "I am responsible for peoples' feelings."]
• “You make people sad.” [Message: "Learn what to do to not cause sadness in people."]
• “You’re wrong for thinking/feeling that.” [Message: "How or what I think or feel is wrong."]
• “Only whores wear red lipstick!” ["If I wear red lipstick people will think I'm a whore."
• "Only whores wear red lipstick!" ["It is okay to shame people by calling them names."]
• “Only whores wear red lipstick!” ["Being a whore is shameful. If I wear red lipstick, I'm shameful."]
• “Why do you make me angry all the time?” ["I have the power to 'make' people angry".]
• “Why do you make me angry all the time?” ["I am responsible for NOT making people angry."]
• “Why do you make me angry all the time?” ["What is wrong with me for making her angry all the time?"]
• “Why do you make me angry all the time?” [Message: Anticipate others' needs. Mind-read. Act. Do. Be Different.]
• “Say you’re sorry.” [Someone wants you to say you're sorry for the sake of their feeling better.]
• “Say you’re sorry.” [You're not sorry. But you apologize for peace.]
• “Say you’re sorry.” [You may have real remorse, for whatever, but haven't yet figured out why. But the one desiring you to say you're sorry is attempting to separate your autonomy and decision-making from your actions. In fact, maybe the one making the demand doesn't even care where you are on the inside, but thinks they need a display of contrition from you.]

Taken alone or out of context, the above quotes do not necessarily mean anything. But a constant inculcation of externally focused, shame, blame, manipulation or power plays with you at the center of them, may successfully train you into believing YOU are responsible for what people think, how they feel, and what their reaction is.

How in the world can a little person – a child – not grow up feeling inferior? How in the world can the person at the receiving end of the above messages grow up with a healthy perspective of who she is and where she fits in this world? How can the ‘above victim’ be expected to NOT try to re-arrange herself in accordance with how she perceives ‘the world’?

People are Affirmed that Blame & Shame Work

[Article: Shame, Blame, and Manipulation]

These are just verbal examples and cues that people might internalize into the ‘realistic’ way of living in the real world. News events we see that kids are killing themselves in the face of bullying often involve sexually shaming with terms like “f*ggot, sl*t, wh*re”…..And shame is powerful. Shame is so powerful that instead of facing the shaming terms, labels, or stigmatization on a daily basis at school, kids are killing themselves; Adults are killing themselves.

And sexual shaming is sickeningly effective – at least in America – due to this countries Puritanical roots; Not to overlook the fact that shaming and blaming was a brilliant tactic used by those same Puritans to keep people corralled into compliance.

Those who aren’t killing themselves are drinking alcohol, doing drugs, having anger, hurting others, having depression, having low self-esteem, going to the doctor for psychosomatic, stress, or hypochondria; Going to the doctor for numb pills, anxiety pills, or happy pills. People are self-mutilating, starving themselves, engaging in harmful sex, suffering relationship addiction OR isolation, or otherwise removing themselves from society.

Maybe we’re hearing more about this due to our technology. Maybe we have too many suffocating laws. Maybe our penal system is whacked. Maybe our food is not as nutritious as it used to be. Maybe there are too many fast food restaurants, and too many hormones in our chicken. Maybe pharmaceutical companies are making more addictive pills. Maybe the earth is overcrowded. Maybe the world really HAS gone to hell in a hand-basket. But even THAT is blame. And as long as we blame whatever we can find, we have no responsibility. And if we do not have genuine responsibility for ourselves, we have no autonomy and if we have no genuine autonomy we really are at the whim of the world. And ‘The End.’

…And Kids Grow into Adults

But being now-adults [to continue with the bully analogy of school] we’ve learned how to ‘be polite;’ We’ve learned ‘manners’ and ‘propriety’ and how to behave in society. SO…make no mistake that the illusion that we’re responsible for others or they’re responsible for us is somehow ‘magically’ undone [it's not]…BUT it is more subtle, more subversive, and more secretive. NOW it’s not raggedly honest, but a secret, and sometimes more harmful because ‘the world’ supports it.

• Social Networking. On Facebook, for example, I have seen many personal [as opposed to commercial pages] page admins get messages from others telling them to not post something (because it is ‘wrong.’) And while it might be making fun of a concept, a belief or just an opinion, the complainer felt it was appropriate to tell someone else they shouldn’t do that/ think that/ post that.
• Alcoholics Anonymous. In 12 step alcoholic recovery circles – although the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous doesn’t support it and, instead, speaks opposite of it – some have gotten the message that it is completely appropriate to talk down to others and that they, “are full of shit” or are “not that important” or need to “change their way of thinking.”
• Politics and Religion. In politics, the blue blames the red and the red blames the blue. In religion, the atheists can belittle religiosity and the religiosity can belittle atheists. It’s completely “appropriate” to have anger and hate for a political party, philosophy, or religion with whom you disagree. Today’s target is yesterday’s racism and sexism. Because today we know that to call people racial or sexual slurs is outwardly rude, it’s been replaced with other outlets; More subtle.
• Smoking. It has become appropriate to shame and scare smokers with visual aids and commercials on what might happen if one continues to smoke. And so society is cued that these people are now appropriate to shame, belittle, etc. One commercial I saw for a cessation program had Shirley telling us, “I quit smoking with ______.” and “I don’t need a crutch.” I was watching as a plump Shirley told me several times a week with this codie commercial how she didn’t need a crutch and yet her weight indicated that yes she apparently did. I was glad the marketing department regained their senses and now Shirley isn’t telling me that she doesn’t need a crutch.
• Male bashing. Making men stupid in commercials has been a good marketing tactic for several brands I’ve noticed lately. And why not? The world has apparently adopted this view that husbands are ridiculous, stupid, and need the wife. They realize women do the shopping and so it’s okay they make the husband dumb or incompetent.
• Mass explosion of diagnoses of ADD/ADHD Kids. So if your kid doesn’t do well sitting still all day and learning what’s force-fed her, she is probably ADD and needs medication. [Question-mark?] So a pill fixes things when someone isn’t doing what you want them to do.

And We Slip on the Masks

So as people continue learning how ‘not to act’ within a polite society, while tacitly learning that how TO act is with increasing aggression [turned inward OR outward], blaming and shaming, and manipulating when we can, it’s become apparent that people have continued to internalize these ‘rules’ to mean more than just etiquette and good manners. We’ve learned that it is not just okay and sometimes appropriate to wear masks but to pretend EXTERNALLY something different than INTERNALLY.

The masks, in this case, are now wearing us. The tail is wagging the dog. The cart is before the horse. We don’t own the mask, the mask now owns us.

The truth is, when we get disillusioned or ‘straightened out’ internally, the external will take care of itself. As within, so without. As above, so below. On Earth as it is in Heaven.

I’m not advocating we throw our masks away.

BUT, for the codependent rule follower, I AM advocating the realization of these masks.

It’s a very personal journey in that there are different versions of codependent personalities.

The Codependent Play

Directors / The Controllers. Some people need to control, fix or manage other people or situations, directing their energy primarily externally to control the outer world. If they could just FIX enough outward situations, they would be okay and safe. And this can manifest as kind and subtle manipulation, power play manipulations, or directly shaming or confronting. Under, perhaps, the guise of “tough love” or “brutal honesty,” some personalities really think they are servicing and making you or the world a ‘better place’ while the reality remains that they’re trying to fix things to line up with what they think will bring them peace, happiness, or a sense of okayness. This mask is a version of Pride.

Actors / The Controlled. Other people need to control, fix or manage themselves, directing their energy internally to control their inner world despite the outer insanity they’re living in. If they could just FIX themselves to line up with that outer chaos or external insanity, they would be okay and safe. This can manifest as people-pleasing, egg-shell walking, extraordinary self-defeating acts of self-sacrifice, or resignation. As a rule, these people would rather harm themselves than risk alienating another person. Their mask is a version of Pride in Reverse.

A Perfect Partnership. In a codependent system, these two need each other. Without having an actor, the director could not direct and without having a director, the actor wouldn’t need the script. Neither one could remain enmeshed in the Codependent Play.

So who’s going to quit the Codependent Play first? In my experience, the Actor does. Maybe it’s because the pride mask has more tricks than the low self-esteem one does. Maybe because suicide is sometimes the Actor’s final act and in the face of that, recovery can happen.

The Miracle of Awareness

The understanding and subsequent dispelling of codependent rules may not be easy. Depending on how long, how deep, and how inculcated you are, the nuttiness of codependent living may have conditioned your mind to think, “This is simply life.”

When I see a person who gains the miracle of realization that, “There IS a better life and I AM capable of having one,” my heart grows 5 sizes larger. It grows 5 sizes larger because it reminds me and I revisit the precise moment in which I had this miracle of awareness.

I was reading Melody Beattie’s Beyond Codependency in 2004, after I picked it up in a used bookstore out of state. It had been a very deep awareness of synchronicity, buying the book. I had recently joined Al-Anon after my sponsor had suggested my year of sobriety before attending and it was not doing it for me.

Please do not take my experience with Al-Anon as an anti-endorsement; I am expressing my experience with only one particular group. The Al-Anon literature was wonderful, but the practice of abiding what I was learning in the literature was not realized in this particular group. This group seemed more interested in either ‘fixing’ their alcoholic ( Article: Help an alcoholic to stop drinking ) or ‘keeping their alcoholic fixed.’ And being an Alcoholics Anonymous member, not only did I feel uncomfortable with their stories of people I knew, but I knew that ‘fixing’ people to make me ‘okay’ was definitely not a brainwash I wanted to entertain. That, coupled with the understanding my problems were not just being under the influence of “Alcoholics” but “Any Person” is when I’d sought out a larger umbrella.

So that when I happened upon this book after a mere weeks earlier making the decision I needed something larger, there it was. I know the title, “Beyond Codependency” suggests (to me) anyway that I am “so-o-o-o beyond it now” but it’s not that way. So that when I got around to reading it after returning home, I was amazed. For the first time – even since my over year of being sober – I genuinely felt my potential for freedom! I do not know how or why, but I will never forget where I was and the feeling of some miracle happening. It was as if every moment up until then, I’d been in a dim room (unknowing it was dim) and all of a sudden…. the brightest light had finally illuminated where I sat.

After this miracle of realization, it was easy. I told all of my close recovering alcoholic friends I finally got it! I understood my life WAS freedom and I’d never known I’d been in the dark. And THIS is the invitation I welcome for you.

“You said Codependent recovery may not be easy.”

It may not be. For me it wasn’t, but it WAS easier than getting sober.

Remember when I said in an earlier article I had (seemingly) more pain than other alcoholics in getting sober? (If not, you can check it out here: How does an HSP Get Sober? ) I theorized about why it may have been such pain for me. The good news is that once I felt this awareness of freedom, this bright light in my formerly dim room, it DID get easier. I did not know how or why it got easier except for a clear realization this was my life.

The reason any new lesson I may’ve been learning in Codependent recovery was not easy is because I was undoing life-held illusions. I had fear that people would not like my progress, and I was right. (I also had fear this would ‘kill me’ and I was wrong.) I had fear I would have to emblaze upon some new paths. And I was right. (I also had fear I would be alone doing it, and I was wrong.) I had fear I would make some errors and I was right. (I also had fear I would self-annihilate in the face of these errors and I was wrong.)

And as this process of self-care, sanity, and clarity went on, it became easier.

Highly Sensitive Person and Codependency

For the Highly Sensitive Person, the compounding of illusions is a problem. As the Sensitive Spirit struggles to operate within this world’s framework, the mind, being under the influence of codependency, remains miserable, trapped, and confused. And this is why this insidiousness – as much as I dislike the worshiping of  taxonomy and labels – needs a name. It needs a name so we can find the information we need in order to disillusion our mind from it.

My Spirit, my Truth, was fine. It was doing great – not that I would know it. Being an HSP Codie, I could not recognize it. Being under the influence of conflicting information [Spirit/Truth vs Ego/Mind/Illusions], alcohol solved it for me. And when I stopped the Mind Numb of active alcoholism and my Mind had its original messages and beliefs still in there, it screamed. It screamed loud. And I am blessed it screamed out in the suffering of itself which allowed my discovery of this term called Codependency.

“In our dreams we are able to fly…a remembering of how we were meant to be. “
Original Photo by Paula Chang.

Source: Living Samsara

How to get Self Esteem while being Yourself

Self esteem comes after self acceptance. And how to get self esteem is easy if you already have a sense of love, belonging and acceptance. Having love, acceptance and belonging; Feeling like we fit in this world is a sane motivation. It’s a healthy part of the human experience. But for the one who lacks feeling accepted, there can be no worthwhile self-esteem. How to get self esteem when one is currently lacking a sense of belonging, love or acceptance is what I will be addressing.

I’m going to talk about the following:

1. What self hatred looks like.
2. The importance of a sense of belonging.
3. How children can grow up feeling rejected or not accepted.
4. When not having it can lead to codependency or life dysfunction.
5. Some of the actuated and metaphysical benefits of self-acceptance.
6. How to get self esteem and that sense of acceptance despite not currently having it.

Gangaji on Self Hatred

My personal teenage self hatred held hands with the temporary & fleeting feelings of the ego absorption of ‘my’ body. I was either rejecting my body [and the personality that came with it] or I was infatuated with my body [and the personality that came with it]. And this is the truth. I was black or I was white; I was left or I was right; I was up or I was down. I was never ‘just is.’

Until one day – I cannot remember what day – the hate and rejection took completely over. No longer did I even have the help of an inflated ego to cover for my feelings of deep inadequacy. So yes, there I was, naked.

How Important is Love & Acceptance?

The collective human experience cannot teach its individuals how to get self esteem or how to have self esteem while generational experience is one based in non-acceptance. And the individual who lacks this foundation of love and belonging will not understand how to get self esteem or how to have self esteem unless someone (who has escaped the culture of rejection) teaches them. I am never going to know how to get self esteem from a person who is operating from a self-rejecting paradigm. I am not going to know how to get self esteem from someone who has none. And who is going to learn how to get self esteem from someone who tells you that you are unacceptable?

“Condemnation does not liberate. It oppresses.” ~ Carl Jung

Abraham Maslow & the Hierarchy of Human Needs

From Wikipedia: “Abraham Harold Maslow was an American psychologist who was best known for creating Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a theory of psychological health predicated on fulfilling innate human needs in priority, culminating in self-actualization.“

Psychologist Abraham Maslow ranks Belonging (acceptance, fitting in, love, relationships) as so important it comes right after only our physical and safety needs are met; Yet before our independence, self-esteem, and status are of any concern. According to Abraham Maslow, before we can GROW into having self-esteem (and then self actualization) we must have a sense of belonging first.

Natural Desire for Acceptance

For some people their entire lives are spent covering up, hiding, or otherwise dissembling who they really are in order to have this acceptance. And of course this can lead to negative or low self esteem or what I call, “Pride in reverse.”

“Excessive pride.” They may boast their achievements, status or education. They may bully other people. They may adopt such a bravado it would never occur to them (anywhere but perhaps subconsciously) they lack any feeling of acceptance, love, and belonging. In fact others might think they have an ‘inflated’ sense of self esteem.

“Pit dwelling Low Self Esteem.” Or it might turn the other way; They might be a genuine walking sign of pride in reverse, painfully aware of the feeling they don’t fit in and “What is wrong with me anyway?” or “If so many others find me unacceptable, something is really wrong with me.”

Children Not Getting or Not Feeling Acceptance

Small children don’t know what self esteem is and they don’t need to know how to get self esteem because they’re not at the age of understanding who they are as they relate to this world. But some of us may learn at an early age what feeling rejected is like and that can present self esteem issues…

1. Parents [or first 'family units' of origin] withholding affection from a child as a disciplinary measure sends cues to the child that her acceptance as a human being is contingent upon her doing what people [she views as above her] want her to do. If she goes on to suffer self esteem issues, this is especially problematic because she will view nearly everyone as ‘above her.’
2. Parents [or family members the child trusts] who physically or sexually abuse their children have put the child in a secret world of fear and pain that she may intuitively know she must not talk about. When she grows up she may subconsciously equate sex or physical abuse as love while subconsciously seeking out people to replay the patterns and simultaneously rejecting herself in the process.
3. Children born with characteristics that already put them outside the sphere of ‘normalcy;’ They might get bullied or chastised by their peers, subconsciously taught by their parents that they need to ‘pretend to be normal’ to be accepted, or just from societal context clues might not feel acceptable or otherwise accepted.

Codependent Behaviors

Kids May Grow into Adults Feeling Rejected

May lead to codependent patterns or self-harm. So kids learning how to get self esteem – even if not knowing it – garnering for acceptance from their parents or peers is not what one would classify as codependent. Children who grow up feeling somehow unacceptable or unaccepted without ever reconciling that need with anything tangible or stable may begin putting this acceptance need above all others. Patterns of codependence may develop as they grow into adulthood subconsciously engaging in behaviors that consistently put ‘getting accepted by others’ into primary focus above their desire to be themselves.

It can take some or all of the following forms depending upon personality, peer group, or the extent of feeling unacceptable. But please do not use this criteria as a way to label another person; Any one of these criteria may LOOK like one thing to you, but may be entirely something else.

A person – who does feel accepted and is completely self-aware – may look to you as if s/he is ‘people-pleasing’ and whether s/he is or not, her motivations could be entirely unknown to you. A person who looks to you as if she is ‘suffering from debilitating shyness’ may simply be very not much interested in her surroundings or may even realize anything she has to say might be casting pearls before swine OR she is an HSP personality and is trying to discern what’s going on in her energy field. A person looks to you as if he lacks security or acceptance because every time you see him, he is boasting when the truth could be he lacks any attachment to ego and is being straightforward OR he is a large storytelling entertainer and does it for his own amusement OR you could be the one suffering from insecurity and this guy is just your own reflection.

1. People-pleasing above our ability to be ourselves. [Saying or doing what we think or know others expect of us.]
2. Debilitating Shyness / Painful Self-Consciousness – Feeling so strongly we are going to be judged, ridiculed or looked down upon.
3. Boasting / One-upmanship – Trying to get others to see that we *are* worthy of acceptance, of being accepted.
4. Perfectionism – If I make no mistakes others will see I have no faults and will accept me.
5. Bullying – I don’t feel accepted, loved or a sense of belonging so I’ll bully some people into admiring/accepting me.
6. Pride in Reverse / Low Self-Esteem – Really think so little of themselves and find it difficult to think they are worthwhile.
7. Excessive Pride / Superego / Inflated Ego – Wearing a mask for protection, these guys just KNOW they are the cat’s pajamas.
8. Chameleonizing – These are the ‘yes people’ who will turn into a chameleon depending on situation.
9. Self Hatred – Self-esteem in reverse. Active and pointed self-rejection. Self-mutilation, calling ourselves names. Suicidal thoughts.
10. Alcohol / Drugs (Escapism) – Alcohol is a ‘social lubricant’, giving us a sense of acceptance or belonging in situations we may normally feel rejected – or not wholly accepted – in. (This is exactly how alcohol became my first love as a teenager. Sure, I was accepted just fine by my peers but I rarely felt accepted so alcohol helped with that. And if I weren’t an alky, you can bet that I’d never had given it up.)

Having Acceptance or Love But Not Feeling it

Certain personalities may even be quite aware that they have acceptance, but they don’t feel accepted. And they don’t feel accepted because they subconsciously see or sense that they are not accepted and loved; Their persona is accepted and loved; Their role is accepted and loved; Their mask is accepted and loved. And so of course, their sense of loneliness and isolation from the human race increases. It doesn’t matter if they really are accepted and loved if they are not feeling it. So as the person continually scrambles for how to get self esteem, their self rejection increases.

When we abandon ourselves – that stuff that allows us our own expression of individuality and personality – we have become our own best rejector. We have become our first rejector; Our primary rejector. So if we really do get rejected by our peers or really do lack any feeling of acceptance from others in our world, how can it not be natural?

Metaphysically or HSP speaking, “If I do not have acceptance of my own self, how can others accept me? For all I know they do accept me but I’m not with my ‘me’ to know that I have this acceptance and love; I’m off playing some character and maybe the ‘real me’ is getting all the acceptance and love in the world.”

Passive Ego/Innocent/Unaware -  If your ‘real personality’ is not worthy of being accepted by the one who owns it, how in the name of Isis can you expect others to see it, much less accept it into the state where you feel okay about yourself? In this scenario, you may simply be hiding your personality [via shyness, low self-esteem, etc.] but the feeling of non-acceptance remains even if outward manifestations look as if you are accepted just fine.

Active Ego/Knowing/Aware -  If your ‘real personality’ is actively rejected by you – the one who owns it – metaphysically [HSP] speaking, your Spirit is sending a message: “I reject myself and so should you.” In this scenario, you are actively seeking rejection [via bullying, boasting]. And the universe will give you what you want, and the feeling of non-acceptance remains even if outward manifestations look as if you are accepted just fine.

So on the very real sense of being, it doesn’t matter if we look like we fit in just fine and have love and acceptance, if we’re not feeling it, does it? I am not sure if this is an HSP quality but I am very sensitive to my own self-rejection. I can see instances in my life – even in current day to day – where I passively OR actively seek to reject qualities of my personality I may not have made friends with yet. Oh at this point it’s relegated to the dusty corners of my mind that most other people may not give a thought to; But below the esoteric shallows, I do remain in awareness that at my core level, I completely accept myself and I feel that acceptance.

“What People Think of Me is None of My Business”

My 2008 article, What People Think of Me is None of My Business, is not discounted in the face of desiring acceptance. In fact, it’s within the backdrop of having/feeling acceptance and thus moving further up in the hierarchy that this awareness would come about. It would be ridiculous and false to worship the belief “What People Think of Me is None of My Business” when, in truth, I’m feeling outcast and rejected.

1. My Physiological needs were met; I had oxygen so I could think; I had food that gave me energy.
2. My Safety/Security needs were met. I wrote it from a place/sense of safety; My life was not in peril.
3. My Belonging/Social/Love needs were met; Feeling acceptance was my emotional foundation.
4. My Self-Esteem/Confidence was doing fine; Included a photo of my feet to flaunt it.
   
5. Self-Actualization is the basic message that the article itself reflects.
6. Transcendence is not something Maslow included but I include it because once the previous 5 are accomplished by a certain incarnate/personality (the HSP, the Bodhisattva, the Satguru, etc.) compassion for the suffering of others and the heartfelt desire to alleviate that suffering seems to come into primary focus.

Solution: Self Acceptance

Accepting yourself leads to self esteem

Up until now maybe you did not know, were not aware, or it never occurred to you…

• How important a sense of belonging (love/affection)  is.
• That as a child maybe you felt rejected and it carried into adulthood.
• That your mental isolation / loneliness could be based in non self-acceptance.
• That you held a belief that says, “Others must accept me and then I can accept myself.”
• That a self-perceived walking mess of a personality could STILL accept herself/himself.

That last one is important in successfully learning how to get self-esteem.

Self Acceptance & Self Esteem Benefits

To the one operating from ego [low self-esteem OR pride], self acceptance may look like ego. Partly, in my opinion, because they are coming from a place of ego and so can only ‘see’ ego. “We judge others to the extent we judge ourselves.” The other part is coming from the acute and painful condition of no self-awareness and lacking self-awareness is because we may not have our ‘Self’ with us in order to be aware. We may be in complete rejection of our Self. But because I did operate from ego – vacillating between low self-esteem or pride – and because I do have self-awareness, I have experienced the difference. And you can too.

Benefits of Self Acceptance…

• Self Esteem. Your ego is right sized and not inverted on yourself.
• No longer abandoning your Self leads to nurturing yourself.
• Self Awareness begins this process of Emotional and Spiritual Maturity.
• Repudiation of shame, self-abuse, self-condemnation.
• Self-Esteem is not affected by others’ attempted infliction of shame.
• Compassion for yourself and (by natural extension) others.
• Acute awareness of those who self-reject (because you’ve been there).
• Acceptance of other ‘Selfs’ who may be in current self-rejection.
• Desire to assist those who reject themselves.
• Not taking your ego so seriously. Maybe even playing with it. ;)

Relationship Benefits of Self-Acceptance

One metaphysically responsive benefit I was able to notice after I began accepting myself is that other people REALLY started accepting me. I am not going to say all people ‘liked’ me because that’s probably not true. BUT, I hardly noticed and that’s what is true. I was so self-accepting that others who knew who they were, accepted and liked me or others drawn to wanting to know how to ‘live in their skin’ accepted and liked me. I did, however, notice I was energetically repelling [HSP magic maybe] those who were content on operating from the Prideful pendulum of the Ego swing. This is a truth of metaphysics; People we no longer need to ‘learn lessons from’ will drop out of our sight or we’ll otherwise no longer ‘see’ them.

So with that in mind, can you see how perhaps you have been drawing into your awareness or experience people who do not accept you or people you do not feel acceptance from? If not, that is okay. :) [This is not to say it is your fault! Did you see Gangaji's video up there? We have parents, and they have parents, and on it goes. We cannot teach what we do not have, SO... Once more, it is not your fault; It just is. But if you want to, check out the below ideas.]

How to Get Self Esteem via Self Acceptance

How to get Self Esteem? Begin with Self Acceptance.

Like anything in life, there are many paths. I am going to list a few that I engaged in that propelled me forward in my most leaps and boundingness.

If you think I’ve always been accepting of myself and have never experienced the bitter morass of self-loathing that accompanies chronic alcohol dependence, a teenage-into-adult Sensitive Personality who couldn’t fit anywhere (without drinking), a secret self-hater who neglected, hurt and starved this body trying to make it fade away, a people-pleaser who was so used to either chameleonizing for acceptance and for people to like me or pretending it didn’t bother me so I’d have to get drunk to cover my low self-esteem, hurt feelings and insecurities again…well I must have really made progress and thank you! (But I assure you, I was not always like this. It took a tiny bit of work. Just a little. See also my “Accept Yourself” article.)

1.] Start today with this phrase: “I accept myself today.” Make it a goal to say it 500 times a day for two weeks. Repeat as necessary. I did not find it necessary to repeat this activity since I growth-spurted into self-acceptance during the first week… I was replacing old self-talk and old internal dialogue that used to say, “You’re stupid!” or “Can’t you do anything right?” 

2.] Surround yourself with supportive people. If you have anyone in your life who inspires you, start watching them. Ask them how to get self esteem especially if they were formerly lacking self-acceptance. You might notice that they can make a mistake and not care so much. You might notice they laugh a lot or make fun of themselves. You may notice they don’t take things so personally. [I had my original A.A. Sponsor to look toward.]

3.] Read these books: The Four Agreements & You Can Heal Your Life (or You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book) were two books that began my – unknowing at the time – journey to self-acceptance. It had been right after I quit drinking and had started exploring a new tool-set for being okay in my own skin. It was my Sponsor, as a matter of fact, who told me she gave the Four Agreements out for gift sets. So, wanting to gain the self-acceptance she had, I went right out and picked it up. You Can Heal Your Life was one I picked up after hearing my Sponsor speak of the amazing life of Louise Hay and how she was able to heal from cancer after she learned forgiveness – which was based in self acceptance.

4.] Learn about The Work. In fact, after the introduction, I have a blog where I present The Work of Byron Katie with examples of my life. The beauty of The Work is that it is only a 4 step process and is freely available; Katie makes even the worksheets freely available for anyone who wants it and if you’re on the fast track to acceptance, I highly recommend it. [The only reason this is #4 as opposed to #1 is because #1 - #3 is the order I did things in 2003.] Getting more into REAL life and REAL trauma I’d grow conscious of but had yet to overcome (a few years later) was the time I needed to go deeper.

Although I wish to highly recommend The Work to everyone, I cannot help but think there are some people in certain areas of their progress – as much as they would love to get to that self-acceptance – that may not be ready for all it has to offer. As I think about myself when I first came into contact with it and hated what Byron Katie had to offer. I threw the book across the room, said, “Fuck her,” and went on as if I’d never picked it up; UNTIL I was ready to pick it back up. And for me that meant willingness that only the desperate can be.

The reason Byron Katie’s The Work feels so harsh is something we cannot help but we all have or acquire as we go about this world; Beliefs. And some are SO strong that we would often rather suffer with them as they continue to define us than question and release them in order to secure our sense of peace. But if you are eager to learn how to get self esteem, Katie will re-arrange your neurons.

5.) Spiritual Solutions – Gangaji

If you saw the above video then you do understand, hopefully, that Gangaji – although a Spiritual Teacher – also understands the feelings of self-hatred. But she supports and assists those on their journey who seek the silent awareness of their ‘more than the personality.’ Because, in truth, we are.

I love Gangaji because she excludes nothing. She’ll talk about addictions, pain, hell, samsara, relationships, states of mind, beliefs…She’ll point to what comes before all of this; What is before this state of mind?

In this way, for the seeker of the Truth, maybe our personality doesn’t need to be taken so seriously. Maybe we can release even the ego’s insistence that we need to ‘have’ a particular personality or the ego’s hold of judgment over us that we’re somehow unacceptable.

She has videos of her satsangs on youtube; Some graciously made available by her as well as others. In these videos we get to enjoy her truthfully reflecting and loving wisdom and insight into the REAL “Who are we?”

Now if you watch her satsangs you may not feel inclined to pick up the books I picked up [ Diamond in Your Pocket & Hidden Treasure] but I did out of gratitude for the support I felt from her. Her satsangs were just exactly what I needed.

Of course, I was already in acceptance of myself when I began this non-dualistic path via Gangaji [via her teacher Papaji, via Indian sage/guru Ramana Maharshi] but what was important for me was the continued acceptance of myself as I embarked on my Spiritual path; In other words, it made no sense to follow a teacher or guru who might use old beliefs divisive toward myself to ‘should me’ back onto a path I had already lost acquaintance with. That might sound confusing so let me phrase it like this:

Spiritual leaders or teachers who encourage you to feel shame or insecurity in order that you do what they want you to do are not enlightened. They may have knowledge, yes, of certain scripture or religious texts. {But even the devil knows the bible and knowledge is limited.} So if you want acceptance of the who you are – no matter where you are or who you think you are – follow the one who has what you want.

Source: Living Samsara

Never Explain Anything. Never Explain Yourself.

Words are not Truth; Words can point to the Truth. As soon as you use words to explain the Truth, you take away from the Truth. Does this mean we should never explain ourselves? Does this mean that we should never explain anything? Does this mean that if we never explain anything we will not detract from the Truth? Does this sound like a logical & philosophical nightmare I’m determined to tackle? Yes. This is what I hope to address in this – my longest article ever.

“Never Explain. Never Apologize.”

One morning I found myself explaining a joke I’d performed that I thought was going to be funny. I knew it wasn’t going to be funny as soon as it left my mouth… But too late!

Was one of those jokes that, once it’s left the gate, you can’t even say, “Oh nevermind. Bad timing. It’s not going to be funny.” Because the mere fact you said it is going to raise eyebrows. There is an art to joke-telling and story-telling and normally I’m pretty savvy but today would turn out to end badly due to something having nothing to do with this and I cannot help but wonder how much of my Highly Sensitive Sense picked up on that universal ripple…and hence the bad timing…the bad rhythm, and etc.

The joke I thought would give her a laugh had hurt her feelings. Then I explained why I thought it would be funny; Tried to explain why it was a joke. She’s thinking I must have really meant the question [which was the joke], otherwise why would I have asked it she wanted to know. “You must really think it,” she’d said.

So after explaining the shit out of myself, and feeling her hurt feelings (and mine, too, due to her thinking I thought of her in that way…) I pull the Zen A Day calendar’s previous page off a little later to ready for my day and see a la Synchronicity…

A good explanation:
never explain anything.
Zen saying

I laughed so hard. And not because I thought it was telling me I shouldn’t have explained myself to my friend – and I’ll get to that later – but because the timing of viewing the word “explain” was perfect AND the perfect reflection of how I felt which was, “I’ll never be able to explain to her how that should have gone.“

Love for Language, Words, and Expression

The Arts of English was one of my college majors because I love language and words; I love the human expression. Words and expressions can be poetry, beauty, and power; Can creatively infuse, inspire, and empower. We can weave a story or tell a tale from our perspective and imagination and the effect upon the listener or reader can change lives and paradigms. One’s choice of words can be psychologically revealing; from Freudian slips and subconscious desires to understanding the truthful feelings of a person whose words may be contradictory.

First, Some Words About Words

• Explaining means words and what are words?
• Are they ever the truth?
• Can they point to the Truth?
• Can they point to Illusion?
• Is (what we call) a ‘tree’ REALLY ‘a tree?’

As soon as we use language we create division. It is exclusionary. And exclusionary isn’t bad. Exclusionary is taxonomy and is how we share information with each other: When I say, “The vehicle that hit that old gnarly oak tree is a silver 4 door car,” you get an image in your head and you understand what I am telling you. But is what I am telling you The Truth? No. I am using my words to explain the Truth of MY Reality, at best. What you have now, is not The Truth, but a mere image in your imagination that I just put there; and it’s not The Truth even in my reality; I just made it up. [Don't knock imagination; It's important; More important than knowledge, especially if we're co-creators of our reality.]

How Words Take away from the Truth

The Truth stands on its own; That’s what truth is. Lies need a defense and believers. Truth needs nothing. Whether 5 Billion people think the Earth is flat or not, it doesn’t matter. The Earth will continue to be round if that’s The Truth. The problem with throwing ‘Truth’ around is that lots of people – who don’t know – think they know what ‘Truth’ is. So there’s the thing. Their attachment to their ideas, they think, is the Truth. Their opinions, they think, are the Truth. The Illusions they follow, they think, are the Truth. And meanwhile, everyone’s miffed at each other for not believing their version of Truth.

Although Truth needs nothing to be Truth, it may sometimes get words or explanations that point to it, to be recognized as Truth; To cast a light, if you will, for those who are searching for it. It’s dark in the woods and a tree stump is 3 feet in front of me. Whether I believe the stump is there or not is irrelevant; If I do not turn on my flashlight and recognize ‘the Truth,’ I am going to trip over it.

A few common examples in which words take away from truth:

• “Who are you?” [In desiring to be honest, you answer with your name, but are you your name?]
• “Are you going to be late?”  [Do you always know what the future looks like?]
• “Do you believe in God?” [If you answer no, they think you're an atheist; If you answer yes, they think you believe in the God they believe in.]
• “Favorite color?” [If you answer purple thinking they mean 'for clothes' you may be upset when you come home to your walls painted purple.]

The horribly wonderful quality of words is that they can be intentionally perverted, beautifully woven, plainly stated, played with, confusingly pontificated, allegorically alliterated, illustriously prevaricated, unintentionally mis-expressed, horrifically hyperbolicized, reflectively romanticized…and you see what I am doing here right? And it reminds me of one of my favorite movies, V for Vendetta.

Words are Symbols – Can Point to Truth or Illusion

Words can be mighty; Words can be weak. Words can harm; Words can heal.

Words can harm when people use Truth as license to logorreah their opinions based in dishonest motives that masquerade as truth. And THAT’s the backdrop; A lie. So if the motive is subversive, then any ‘truth’ that may be revealed, shared or thrown into the wild might be considered the ‘bad fruit’ that comes from ‘the bad tree.’

Conversely, words can also heal when people use them in a way some might say as ‘dishonest.’ I call this dishonesty creativity/art/metaphor…a joke (that does NOT go badly). No one screams at the movie theater during the showing of V for Vendetta, “Liar!” when Evee (played by American accented Nathalie Portman) has a British accent. No one screams at the movie theater manager, “I need my money back. It said Hugo Weaving was in this and I see him nowhere.” And if I’m not playing a character on this stage of life, I shall kiss your foot thusly!

Politicians use lies to cover up the truth.
Artists use lies to reveal it.
Evee, V for Vendetta

Words Pointing to Lies

Words themselves are not The Truth – in any sense – but they can point to Truth or A Deeper Truth than the one we may currently be in awareness of. And this is their value. Or, if you wish to embrace Illusion, this too, can be brought about by words and language. And there’s a value for that as well.

Believing Words & Choosing Illusion

A Codependent or enmeshed partner or friend might…Believe the words, “I didn’t steal your money,” despite seeing his crack-addicted girlfriend go into his wallet and discovering that his $69 from the night before is now missing. A friend might believe her friend is sober because her friend says all the ‘right’ A.A. or 12 step phrases. A spouse might believe in the hope and promise of “I’m sorry. I’ll never hit you again. AND I am done drinking; I swear it!” (Like he’s promised the last 11 Saturdays on the heels of the last 11 Fridays.) A codependent prone personality might ignore or discount her own feelings for the belief of someone else’s words.

Not Believing Words & Choosing Truth

The clear-minded Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), for example, HEARS a prevaricator’s words but [empathically, psychically, energetically] FEELs the contradiction; Maybe SEES the overplayed or forced body language; Intuitively SENSES a conflicting internal belief or truth. Et voila. Our HSP has a new and perhaps different understanding of “Truth” that will later be validated as a Spiritual Demonstration* (metaphysically) if she is searching for such a thing. So that when it comes into her awareness that the person who seemed so kind (or ‘one way’) at the time (from all outward appearances) had internal motives non-conducive to their outward ‘play’ she is validated as being able to trust her intuitive understanding. Of course, for the teenage HSP me, I had to get lots of drunk ons and sufferings to get to that point of understanding that words did not necessarily match up with Truth. (*To learn more about Demonstrations, the book Sermon on the Mount goes into greater depth or read more about Manifesting the reality we currently find ourselves in.)

“Never Explain Anything?”

Mostly, yes. Mostly, do not explain. BUT. First we have the spiritual understanding of what to “never explain” means. Then we have the day to day living version of “never explain.” For example, the saying, “Never Explain. Never Apologize,” or the term, “Never Explain Yourself,” or “Never Explain Anything” might not be the smartest move for your lifestyle desires if …

• Your boss asks where you were yesterday.
• Your teacher asks you to explain the math problem.
• Your child asks you why condoms are important.

Life, Recovery, 9th Step Amends and Explaining

So as much as I love the Zen saying in its Spiritual or Philosophical sense, clarity and sanity of mind can dictate appropriate explanations. And it’s a subjective experience to be be sure. If you don’t mind getting fired, look forward to homelessness, or wish to practice ‘manifesting abundance’ by all means, do not explain anything to your boss. If you don’t mind not getting into college, explain nothing to your teachers. And if you don’t mind your child getting an STD or pregnant, don’t explain condoms.

In alcoholic recovery we might be learning about our relationship disruptions that our alcohol use contributed to. We might recall drunkenly stealing our Mom’s car in the middle of the night or fighting our sister while stupidity and numbness simultaneously coursed our veins. To proffer the, “Never Explain. Never Apologize,” mitote is to okey-doke my errors. “Gee whiz. I was drunk.” or “Golly gee. I barely remember so it doesn’t count.”

9th Step:
“Made amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Alcoholic recovery is about becoming responsible for ourselves and this is WHY we have the 9th step. I could blame it on alcohol and excuse it with an “I was drunk,” but how is that enabling reparations for my relationships? As an alcoholic, I DRANK over guilt. Well, hell. I drank over anything…But as a sober member of society and growing as a Spiritually Mature Human Being, I am going to want to make amends AND not excuse my behavior. This does not mean I ‘explain away’ my actions OR explain-to-excuse them. This also does not necessarily mean I even have to ‘explain’ my biochemistry or psychology. I just tell the truth: I stole your car Mom; I was drunk and I lied to you. Your feelings were right about that night and I’m sorry for not just stealing the car but for also not taking responsibility at the time and leading you to believe you couldn’t trust what you thought to be true.

In codependent recovery we might grow to understand a term called boundaries. Great term, boundaries. We begin to understand that the entire world doesn’t need to have a piece of our mind, pieces of our full-hearted trust without warrant; That we need not try to explain our motives or perceptions to unsafe or untrustworthy people; That we need not always explain ourselves to even SAFE people. We begin to trust and honor ourselves. We even might start to drop some illusions and believe more in the who we are than the who we think we’re not. We’re becoming present human-beings without the need (or with a lessening one) to justify, explain or excuse. We are being.

8th & 9th Step Amends: If we’re following the 12 steps to recovery we have a 9th step that sounds like an explanation to another human being. And this might sound strange and antithetical to the saying “Never Explain. Never Apologize” or to the Zen saying, “A good explanation: Never explain anything,” and it also might be confusing to the newcomer to Codie Recovery.

“Never Explain. Never Apologize.” You can take that to mean, “Never explain who you are. Never apologize for who you are.” This doesn’t mean you can’t explain your gaffe or offer an empathetic or sympathetic apology for, say, a ‘wrong’ you committed back during your insanity or drunken stupor. A person in ‘sanity’ at this point is well aware we are not our gaffes, mistakes, or our past for that matter.

Codependency: Let’s say you lied – you used your words to mislead someone into an illusion because your ego/dis-ease mind needed something from them. Or you otherwise intentionally betrayed someone and your conscious has been bothering you; You put that person on your 8th step and make appropriate amends on your 9th. As for what constitutes appropriate, you will have worked steps 1 – 8 at this point and so should have some sanity, but in case of confusion, ask for help from someone who’s also sane, recovering, and/or who has been through it. Ask for their experience.

At this point I hope I am making my intention clear that BOTH “Explain” and “Do Not Explain” have room in the human experience. And if you disagree and wish to think or believe that one should literally, “Never Explain,” good! There’s room in the human experience for that too.

Communication & Explanations

So back to my friend and joke that she took as a worrisome view on what she thought I thought of her. Explaining something to someone who desires to understand you, who doesn’t get where you were coming from or what happened but desires to know, will hopefully allow you and your friend a merging into forgiveness, sympathy, a strengthening bond, or a laugh or two. And desire to understand is the key. Maybe this is what the Zen saying has been meaning the entire time.

“A Good Explanation: Never Explain Anything” might really be just a testament of “Living the Truth” as opposed to “Explaining the Truth.” Because words can form expressions that attempt to prevaricate or pervert the Truth; While “Living the Truth” is just that. My friend knows who I am. She knows I value and love her. She knows I would never intentionally hurt her. She can trust our relationship and she can trust me. These are Truths that I DO know she knows. So that when she desired an explanation or a clarification, she really did want one. She really was seeking to understand. And this is appropriate.

Misunderstandings

Words can be the expressive vehicle toward truth, lies or illusions. They can be misunderstood. The one using them may not be perfect at expressing herself or the one listening may not be perfect at understanding. You get two ‘human abilities’ together with different brains, personalities, psychology, experiences, culture, education, beliefs or non-beliefs, opinions or non-opinions, and there you have it. [I delve more into how and why to not take things personally in Release from Opinions.]

Or even if one is ‘perfect’ in expression and 99 out of 100 people would ‘agree,’ the one who doesn’t agree might be the one person the ‘perfect’ speech is trying to communicate with. OR if 99 out of 100 people DISAGREE that the execution was ‘perfect’ there is the one who completely gets what the deliverer intended. So what does this tell you? This tells me that it doesn’t matter the how or why the misunderstanding if BOTH the INTENT to understand and the intent to be understood is present.

Sarcasm vs. Facetiousness

Then there’s Sarcasm; That one type of remark or response we hear and prickle at. OR that specific remark we might not know how ‘to take.’ Sarcasm may be a version of misunderstanding since we may assume something to be sarcastic when it’s not; The person really MAY mean, “Your hair is beautiful today!” despite your insecurity over your hair or despite your thought that it looks horrible. AND the person may REALLY mean, “Your hair looks like junk,” despite the words, “Your hair looks beautiful.” In this case, sometimes people hide behind sarcasm.

I go into Sarcasm in part 4 of the Words can Harm & Words Can heal series of posts which I will probably need to now update with the following since a perfect convergence of situations left a lot to that ‘series.’ But it still might be worthwhile even before I update it so have a look if you’re inclined. :)

There’s also Facetiousness. Two people may make almost the same statements and both are being ironic or mocking. One, however, might be sarcastic while the other is based in playful irony or mocking. The difference between the two may be hard to define but the difference is a matter of intent.

fa·ce·tious [fuh-see-shuhs]
1. not meant to be taken seriously or literally: a facetious remark.
2. amusing; humorous.
3. lacking serious intent; concerned with something nonessential, amusing, or frivolous

Not all irony or mocking is Sarcastic
Not all Facetiousness is ironic or mocking.

Need Clarification? Ask.

If you desire to know what the person meant behind the words and you don’t understand, ask. And if you receive clarification or an explanation, believe it or not. Being autonomous beings means we have the choice to believe their ‘more words’ or not. If we still do not understand, that is not the choice. We have brains, filters, unique psychologies, experiences, and fallibility so truly not understanding is hardly the choice; The choice is believing or not; Trusting or not.

Codependency, Ego, Self-Esteem, Control: A particular note for when you don’t ‘like’ the clarification: For those who think that asking for RE-clarification a 2nd, 3rd or 4th time might mean the explanation will somehow change with each newly phrased question or haranguing, it’s no longer a conversation. It’s now turned into an inquisition; A battle. At this point you don’t want clarification; You want to win the answer you want. Watch how this happens:

What did you mean when you said, “I want to break up?” I meant, “I’m breaking up with you and a moving truck will be here tomorrow.” “Did you REALLY mean, ‘I love you so much and I fear commitment so I am leaving?’” “No. I meant, ‘I am breaking up with you.’” “So what I am hearing is that you still love me but you want some space?” “I’m not sure what you are hearing but I am telling you ‘We are over.’” “Well, do you want me to call in sick tomorrow and help you move in?” “No. I want you to hear what I am telling you. We are over.” The person in green had been practicing Broken Record from the Book: When I Say No I Feel Guilty.]

Final Thoughts: Clarification v. Explaining

So there we are, just ‘being’ and one day… We might feel the undeniable urge to explain ourselves to someone who is hell bent and determined to misunderstand us, skew the intent, or malign our meaning. Can you imagine what it would look like if the conversation above had been met with a “Why?” Would the person moving out had gotten very far in ‘explaining why?’

Offering Clarification is not offering an Explanation.

Getting clarification of what the person means by their words is not the same as getting an explanation of why the person means their ‘what.’ But we often intermix the two as we express ourselves. I want to make this clear lest anyone takes a literal view of ‘explaining nothing’ and thinks this means, “I should never clarify what I mean.” Feel free to, of course, not clarify what you mean but then you run the risk of assumptions.

As a human being expressing myself in this incarnation maybe I desire for my story or parts of it to be understood. Maybe I do not want to only clarify my words or expressions, but why my expressions and what I really desire for you to understand about me or what I am expressing. But other times, I may not have any such desire.

Why I Might Choose to Not Explain:
“Because I do not want to.”

1.) Some people are determined to misunderstand us. No matter what we say or how we say it, their paradigm – either their world view or in this particular situation – is such that they are antagonistic toward our expression or explanation; These folks do not desire to understand what we are saying or meaning. Maybe they are not like this, in general, but in a particular situation maybe they are battling their own issues. ["What do you mean 'water is wet?'" Well, you know, it's wet. "How do YOU know? Define wet!" Wet is the opposite of dry. "Yeah well. You didn't define dry!" Okay. Um. Arid. "What? Like a desert?" Yeah. A desert is arid. "So you're saying water is the antonym of 'desert.'" Well no. "So you're calling me a liar now!" Oh.. No. I don't think you're understanding me. "Oh I'm understanding you just fine. According to you, I am a liar."]

2.) Some people cannot understand us. Maybe they have the desire to understand us but they do not have the ability to receive what we are saying or we do not have the ability to send what we are saying; Maybe they have mind blocks, a different primary language, or maybe we lack the ability to clarify or explain ourselves to them in a meaningful way. [Water is wet. "Water is nat." Water is not wet? "Nee. Water is nat." Water is not your knee? I know that. I am saying water is wet! "Ja, water is nat!" Huh?]

3.) The Corrector. ‘Why’ is an excellent way to share and get information or more insight as to a person’s intent.  But with “Correctors” – and you can sense who they are right off – their why is concerned more with correcting you. [Water is wet. "Why did you say that?" I wanted to express it. "Why, though?" I don't know. "But isn't water also not dry?" Yes. "Well why wouldn't you say that water is not dry?" I don't know. "Why not?"]

4.) The Collector. These goodly people seemingly want to understand or are understanding what we are saying. They nod at the right places; They share personal anecdotes of similar experience. Of course, next week when you go back to school work and find that topics of your one on one conversation have made the rounds at the cafeteria water cooler, you may realize that your new friend is a gossip. [Water is wet. "I know! What do you think about that?" I think it might like to be dry sometimes. "You do?" Yeah. It might get depressed being wet all the time. "I agree. It's terrible!" [Tomorrow] Classmate Co-worker: “I have a cup of water that seems depressed. Do you think it needs therapy or is it just all wet?”]

5.) The Crazy-Maker. Similar to the ones who are determined to misunderstand us (#1), ‘Crazy-Makers’ can employ any of the above tactics because their primary goal seems to be to either make someone look foolish or themselves look ‘better.’ Particularly skilled at doing this in public or on social media, they love to belittle, demean or point out the flaws in clarifications or explanations. Their operational backdrop is to malign your information or skew your intent. If you feel yourself enjoying a trip to Crazy-Land, you may have just been in contact with a crazy-maker.

So these are a few groups of people I might abide the “Never Explain Anything” philosophy to. And sometimes I won’t explain just because I just don’t want to and don’t even care enough to search out a reason. My life on this planet is too valuable to waste my time hurting my head trying to figure out WHY I don’t want to explain something. Often I don’t even want to explain my own thoughts to myself. They’re just thoughts, subject to ebb and flow like everything else. And if this is often the case, as it is, how could I even explain myself to anyone else even if I wanted to? At that point, I’m just making up a story as either an excuse to be polite or to not seem weird or rude. And I’m okay being thought of as however someone needs to think of me.

despite trying to understand other people or despite trying our best to be understood,
sometimes they’re the color 4 and sometimes we are.

Do you want to Explain?

So what do you think? What do you think about the Zen A Day “Never Explain Anything?” Should we interpret the Zen phrase literally and never explain? And if that’s a ‘good explanation’ then what is a ‘bad explanation?’ And is a tree REALLY a tree? And what does the color 4 smell like anyway? Feel free to explain any, some or all of the above. Or none!

Source: Living Samsara

Life is Not Trying to Drown You

Events in life can be wonderful, peaceful, enlightening, thrilling, exciting, joyous; And these we do not question. We love these events so there is often no need for examination. But events in life can also be messy, challenging, chaotic, or even sometimes quite despairing; And this is when the mind might begin the scramble to find the best tactic to get it to end; To fix, manage, or control that negative stuff away. And nothing is wrong with that; It hurts and we want it to stop. You might feel like life is trying to drown you so maybe some of these look familiar:

• We might actively pretend there is no problem. [Non-Acceptance/Illusions/Denial.]
• We might hold our breath waiting to see what happens. [Defensive/Freeze/Flight.]
• Some of us might panic and exacerbate the chaos or pain. [Offensive/Fight.]
• Some may tread in the pain as their cross to bear. [Acceptance/Martyrdom.]
• Others might give up and sink into the despair. [Defeat/Depression/Suicide.]
• Some may beg, plead, pray for help. [Hope/Faith.]

In my quest for disillusioning, I became aware that my Self was not ebbing and flowing. My Self is not the wave. My Self is not my emotions or my reactions or responses to life. My Self is not employing tactics to kill pain, understand challenges or fix problems. My Self is never drowning despite what my mind is experiencing in any moment.

“That may be well and good for you, but what about me? Life really is trying to drown/overwhelm/kill/murder me!”

How I know Life is Not Trying to Drown You

I’ve been to hell a few times. I’ve been to Heaven a few times. I’ve crossed the River of Styx (both ways). In all instances, I’ve been here witnessing even if I’ve been unaware of the witnessing. And now in Awareness (Conscious Awareness) of the Witness (Self), I can recall my (formerly unrecognized) Awareness.

You Are the Ocean

Waves swell and subside. Waves crash the surf. Tides ebb and flow. And this is how I know life is not trying to drown you. You ARE life. You ARE the vast ocean experiencing these waves. And a wave can’t drown an ocean anymore than the ocean can drown itself.

You Are the Hidden Treasure

An excerpt from Gangaji’s newest Book, Hidden Treasure…

Underneath all the stories, we can experience that deep core of ourselves that is historyless, genderless, and parentless. Naked. That presence is unencumbered by relationships and has no past and no future. In the core of our beingness we are free of definitions. Unencumbered by our definitions we experience ourselves as conscious intelligence aware of itself as open, endless space. This instant of being storyless is an instant of freedom. For even if our story is filled with light and beauty, to the degree that we define ourselves through that story, we are less free.

After such a moment, stories are never the same. They can be present, as they most likely will be, but they no longer have the inherent power to define our reality. The inner wealth that is available to us is no longer limited or augmented by particular inner or outer events. While the personality or the “creatureness” of each individual continues just as stories continue, the underlying awareness, the true “I” has come home to itself.

After such a moment, choice is present where before we were blindly choiceless. When we are not blinded by the stories that have been created for us, or the stories we create, we can appreciate the mysterious vastness that is holographically present in each moment of any story. We can discover what is and has always been here, throughout whatever rendition of story was being lived or believed. Each of us can take any story from our past, and we can discover the treasure that was hidden only through unquestioning belief in narrowly focused assumptions of the time. Stories can then be profoundly appreciated as displays of multidimensional life expressing itself in all forms.

You are.

You are deeper than your story and more than your thoughts. So, for now, when your story turns into chaos or a challenging situation, if you can breathe into the awareness of this moment of now and watch how, like the waves return to the ocean, your thoughts will return to the mind. And you will still be here. Not drowning.

Until next time, Samsara

Source: Living Samsara

Sobriety and the Highly Sensitive Person

How does an HSP get sober?

I’m an alcoholic or an alcohol dependent [whichever philosophy you wish]. My subconscious mind is pushing me to make a CHOICE as my Spirit longed to go free but my conscious mind did not trust and my mind was winning. The world wasn’t trustworthy – coming from an unrecognized, unactualized and unvalidated though-I-did-not-know-the-word-at-the-time-but-still-was HSP position. So I numbed & sedated with alcohol. I’d try to stop. I’d drink again. I’d not drink for a few days to prove I wasn’t an alcoholic. I’d give up the fight altogether and stay drunk. It would have to be a big deal for me to want to finally stop the cycle of this particular samsara. Mine was never fear I’d lose my job, house, significant other, jail or physical death. No. My big deal was a pain; a deeply rooted pain longing for the return to home; To myself and out of Samsara.

Why Did I Get Sober?

But as the cycle wore on and my desolation increased, which I attribute to separation from God (however you define that; I define it as my Self or my Spirit,) I had an intuitive, yet unable to express, knowledge I had placed the importance of numbing as such a priority that my mind was unable to SEE/FEEL ANY ‘gifts’ of my Spiritual Sensitivity but all the ‘curses’ [ie, Hell]. Which made it worse, as now I couldn’t even numb properly. No longer was I in a stateless sense of waiting [ie, Purgatory] but an insistent Hell.

My bottom did not occur because of external/physical repercussions but because of spiritual/metaphysical ones. And in that sense, I was already dying on my last breath in this Hell. THIS was finally what made it worth it for me to go BACK through the River of Styx … and back to Earth.

While ‘on earth’ I knew sobriety was just the first step and that I’d have to work differently than most others I’d seen if I were to ‘get back home.’

I am not putting on shoes for the sake of the shoes because I typically do go barefoot. I am putting on these shoes because I have to go somewhere and it’s the going somewhere that is my destiny. Yes. So even then I knew that freeing my mind from alcohol was just the first step. And as Synchronicities [capital 'S'] would have it, my journey very rapidly evolved to then Codependent Recovery and Eating Recovery as well as Sugar De-Addiction. In retrospect, it is very clear my Spirit – in seeking its natural state – was seeking to cast off all kinds of chemical and emotional dependencies. All it took was my willingness to let my body/mind/ego scream its death song. Piece of cake. Heh.

I found a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous who was HSP too [again, unknowing of the term at the time]. These synchronicities along with plenty of others that happened in early recovery are what continued telling my Spirit that I was on the right path.

Why Am I Still Sober?

I am still choosing sobriety because once I metaphorically crossed the River of Styx [the initial pain; the body/mind/ego scream] by doing away with my biggest self-inflicting neurosis (aka “active alcoholism”), life got exciting. Life became an enjoyable journey. Life turned into a play and I was on the front row.

Getting Sober

I had primarily the memories of separation from Spirit and what it felt like to be in Hell. So that when it first got really tough – and for me, without consulting my journals, I think it first got really tough and rough the 3rd – 6th month of no alcohol. Up until the 3rd month I was still in grateful wonderment over how great I physically felt and the no-effort-on-my-part automatic dispelling of shame due to my behaviors while drinking. I was happy; a genuine and sincere happiness that permeated my entirety. And just because there is a term that you may hear others call it, does not make it any less beautiful.

The Pink Cloud

People in Alcoholics Anonymous might refer to this happiness and gratitude (of a newcomer) as ‘Being on a pink cloud.’ It happens when newcomers quit drinking and are happy. Yes, just like that. For the first time in a long time they might feel hope. They have a sense of gratitude and that all is well in their world. They have found a place full of drunks, like them, and their initial shame might even be alleviated. They are smiling and joyous and sometimes cannot even contain their happiness so they may even have the courage to share in a smaller meeting how great they feel! I love seeing this. When I see a newcomer pick up a white token, feeling defeated and beaten, and I see her again in a few weeks with a beaming smile… It is so fun!

The malcontents (control freaks, bleeding deacons, pill poppers, illusory old-timers who enjoy their Xanax or Percocets but ignore that part of their story) would sometimes passively insult or self-righteously belittle this state of being and warn otherwise happily sober A.A. newcomers of its quickly impending demise or ‘crash’ with the ominous warning of severe pain or drunkenness if the newcomer doesn’t get a sponsor, etc… [This is truth of it.]

My view on this ‘pink cloud’ is different. I look at it as a Safe Place of Being where I could peacefully absorb new (alcoholic recovery) tools in the comfort of my Simply Being. WHO in this world would exchange a Hell that least numbed you for a little while with a Hell that didn’t allow you to be numb at all?

Do not be discouraged if one of these personalities belittles your happiness with “And this too shall pass.” Maybe the ones who say this or otherwise belittle your gratitude for where you are or how you feel are not the ones you need to be following or listening to. Would you be better served to follow the ones who look so truly happy they would much rather share your joy in it? All we have are moments. If anyone is trying to undermine your current one, wish them well (or tell them to go to hell), as you continue in your revelry of the Pink Cloud of Grace.

The Pain

The 3rd – 6th month of not drinking was the pits although your experience may vary.

I had a lot of internal beliefs to restructure and I had become addicted to alcohol since 14 years of age; Rehabbed at 15 and in relapse not long after. After the bad rehab place that wasn’t really rehab but more like an internment camp that abused children under the guise of rehabilitation I now had a whole slew of new PTSD thinking patterns, behaviors, and fears. My Sponsor said, “Just don’t drink, no matter what.” And what I felt in my heart was, “Just don’t drink, no matter what and it will be worth it.” Well, I did not drink but I did go legitimately nut balls crazy from time to time in the beginning.

Not Drinking. No Pink Cloud. Although I did have a few tools I’d learned, I nevertheless reacted violently to this place called Earth. Here are some things I did when I found myself in a mind/brain scream: I screamed. I broke objects (of mine). I drove to a bar – where I felt safe – and sat in the car. I cried. I screamed. I walked barefoot at midnight to another AA member’s house not caring if I was murdered in the ghetto I was walking through. I contemplated picking up the ‘marijuana maintenance program’ but thankfully discussed it with my sponsor. I grabbed a knife in one hand and mouthwash in the other as my boyfriend was unrelenting in his desire to NOT leave me alone. I screamed. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days and sometimes more often than that. I cleaned my house. I painted the walls. I ate lots of sugar. I starved. I slept. I stayed awake. I screamed. And screamed. And screamed.

How am I Still Sober?

One might think with all that pain up there, there would be no way I was going to really get sober, hardly stay sober.

In hindsight, it seems it truly was a miracle. What no one in A.A. or anywhere else told me was that there would be this kind of pain. Maybe they did not have a mind as messed up as mine was. Maybe they were taking medication; tranquilizers, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics. Maybe they didn’t have this experience of ‘pain.’ Maybe they didn’t want to scare the new people coming in with “Oh there will be pain.” Or maybe they weren’t a Sensitive and it was an HSP thing or maybe it was a PTSD (from the bad place) thing.

For whatever reason, I am grateful I had a sponsor and a Spirit that kept me called to keep going and an intuitive understanding that this ‘stroll through hell’ was necessary for me or what Carl Jung might call “legitimate suffering.”

I am still sober today because in the beginning – through the pain – I trusted another human being who was a lot like me, who was sober. After that, I never remained satisfied with simply not drinking. It was never the point of my life to get sober; It was simply necessary for my Spiritual, Emotional, and Mental Survival and eventual thriving. I kept going and still do with the backdrop being that I am sober. Sobriety was never my destination and it’s still not. I’ve learned to not just handle but to embrace the gifts of being a Highly Sensitive Personality which, for me, means to embrace being a conscious human being.

And it feels like freedom.

Source: Living Samsara

Happy New Year 2013

I hugged a woman I’d never met before in line today at the store.

She looked up from the cart she was unloading and smiled at me; A great big loving and vibrant smile! She said,”I saw your eyebrows go up! Hello!” I replied, “Oh they do have a tendency to do that when I notice my people.” And away we went! We spoke of the Spirit over the Physical and about how we see each other and others. I told her about the Highly Sensitive (Spiritual) Person who seems to seek ‘the others’ out and how I play a game when I go out to see how many I can find. And she is telling me how God is something else and how exciting it all is.

She couldn’t believe how fast friends we had become in those 4 minutes [as she is still putting her groceries on the conveyer] seeing as how we’d never met. “Oh we’ve never met in our bodies maybe…” And she started laughing and said, “You’re right! But our Spirit has others ideas doesn’t it?” It was fair to say she was another Light. I even shared with her what I heard Eckhart Tolle say about how he can go to the store and ‘see others’ and he even made a joke about how he has to put his sunglasses back on. There is something to metaphysical recognition isn’t there?

She paid and was readying to leave with her child (who had Down’s Syndrome and of course she’d be blessed with such a special child! Naturally!) and I said just as matter of factly in front of every person who knew we’d just met, “Well, come give me a hug.” And we hugged and I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me and away she went.

As if I weren’t blessed enough in seeing another kindred HSP, the cashier starts off sheepishly, “I try so hard to not be nosy…” I smiled at her and replied as I now am putting my groceries on the conveyer, “Oh I gave up trying not to be nosy a long time ago.” She is scanning my groceries as she still again shyly replies, “I want to know but I’m trying so hard not to ask…” Oh I could tell she needed to know something ferociously so as I’m still with my head bobbing up and down getting items onto the belt, I tried my best to sound inviting as I smiled and looked at her again and said, “That’s what we have mouths for, so go ahead; Ask!” My normal mind-reading was on hiatus as I was not only trying to rapidly unload my cart but also still in afterglow of meeting the Light Woman minutes prior or I would have been able to have my mind clarify for me what Cashier wanted to know.

“What were you two talking about?” she shyly and quietly asked. And so I told her.

And so she beamed and lit up herself.

Source: Living Samsara

Sugar Addiction was my new Alcoholism

When I first got sober from alcohol I understood nothing biochemically regarding sugar addiction; The neuroscience of anything was of no concern. My life was a self-hating, low self-esteem oozing pile of shit and it was all I could do to not drink alcohol. The fact I’m ordering a slice of cheesecake for lunch as my A.A. sponsor ordered a nutritious salad with a bowl of protein filled soup did not register anything except maybe a “Why the hell would she order that when she could have a cheesecake?”

Easily one of my top life-changing episodes, was when I learned how sugar affected me.

I began trying to discover what was wrong with me when I began noticing I was tired all the time. I had just given up alcohol and was sleeping every day from about 2:00pm to 4:00pm. It took talking to somebody who knew what I was eating for lunch for it to be pointed out to me: “You’re eating a blueberry compote Belgian Waffle with whipped cream and syrup around 1:00pm every day.” When I got up from my naps I was cranky and mad. It began occurring to me I had replaced the sugar from alcohol with the sugar from food.

Trifecta of Sugar Addiction, Voluntary Starvation, and Alcoholism

My issues surrounding food and the sugar problem was that when I was not eating sugar, I was not eating nutritious food (or if I were, not very much). And of course, when I was drinking alcohol I was also not eating. Even years before I would seek the help for  ’alcohol addiction’ [aka alcoholism] it would be a couple times a week struggle to figure out if I needed to eat food or if I could just start my drinking.

I needed to balance the alcoholism with the eating disorder because I was exactly both. Watch how my alcoholic mind worked:

If I was in starvation and started drinking, I’d move quickly from pleasant buzz to drunk in no time and pass out. And I hated that. If I ate too much – because I have a small stomach – and then started drinking, I’d vomit or otherwise would feel like crap and not want to drink which would ruin my social plans for the day or evening. THIS was the battle I dealt with on a daily basis.

The thought that if I could just quit drinking I could lose an easy 10 pounds off my already small frame was the operational backdrop of this thing doctors would call anorexia thinking. But I couldn’t quit drinking because that would be ridiculous. [And of course, that's the alcoholism.] So my solution was to eat only if I, on a very physiological level, needed to eat.

Those few times in my life when I did successfully give up the alcohol for a period, I’d compulsively exercise; 20 miles of rollerblading daily, 2 hours of daily aerobic sweating; Sometimes I’d adopt starvation and diet pills for good measure. Another once in a while, because I burn sugar easily, I’d eat sugar [candy, desserts, cookies] – unknowing I was doing this in the place of drinking. Of course, I was not in awareness of these patterns when I finally did quit drinking as a permanent solution to alcoholism.

After reading The Sugar Addicts Total Recovery Plan by Kathleen DesMaisons in 2004 (or 2003?) after getting sober and finally getting into eating disordered recovery, I discovered that this seemingly cross-purposed combination of alcoholism, anorexia, and sugar addiction made retrospective sense in my life.

Neuroscience and the Biochemistry of Addiction

Author Kathleen DesMaisons, Ph.D. (Addictive Nutrition) gears this book toward all sorts of  ’bodies’ and when you see why, you will love it. I have seen why with my own experiences as well as with the sense it made. She gears it toward ADHD, anorexia, bulimia, self-mutilating, alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, and even obesity.

Brain Chemistry: Beta Endorphin & Seratonin

Beta endorphins are a naturally occurring opiate neurotransmitter released by the pituitary gland when the body is under stress [pain, trauma, exercise, or other forms of stress].  Referencing this abstract: “Many references to these studies in the literature have thus demonstrated that beta-endorphins play a role in certain behavioural patterns (stress, alcoholism), in obesity, diabetes and psychiatric diseases.”

Serotonin (5-hydroxytryptamine) is another neurotransmitter biochemically derived from tryptophan. Serotonin is responsible for mood and behavior. Low serotonin levels look like irritability, anxiety, depression, and lack of impulse control while good serotonin levels look like a general feeling of well-being, mellow, and the ability to talk yourself out of a negatively affecting decision; like cake for breakfast or alcohol for lunch.

DesMaisons gets into the science in her book in an easy to understand language complete with examples and diagrams. But let me put it in my own language using myself as an example.

1. I was 16 or 17 and still not drinking alcohol after I escaped a well abusive cult my parents thought was a rehab. Unknowing I was even an alcoholic, much less food disordered, I naturally (in retrosepct) adopted not eating and over-exercise. It was natural for me to not eat and overexercise because now knowing the above, and after reading The Sugar Addicts Totally Recovery Plan I get why. I kept my body in a stressful state. And in a stressful state, I was releasing needed ‘feel good’ beta-endorphins to myself.
2. When I was in the psycho cult, I began ripping hair from my own head. Some people might think this strange but I found out later that children have been known to do this when they are under duress. Beta Endorphins. The physical pain tells the body to release the ‘feel good’ chemical.
3. Which explains why I could have alcohol and feel SO awesome that I’d have to drink more. So now my Beta Endorphin receptors are taking too much in and have to shut down. “We can count on her to keep things going so we don’t have to release as much or receive as much.” So that when I am NOT drinking [or am trying to stop] I am a mess! I have no seratonin, no beta-endorphin, and I hurt easily! So I would adopt over-exercising, sugar, or starvation [which leads to self-mutilation] and what I call ‘fat brain’ courtesy of starving brain. The Cycle.

That’s not an extensive summary but I hope can you a basic idea; Why A.A. meetings might have sugary snacks or why alcoholics gain weight when they quit drinking. Why self-mutilation can be a side-effect of anorexia. Why binge eaters binge. Why people feel better after eating chocolate.

My Current Sugar Scream

A friend of mine right now is suffering from depression and I was reminded of this book again as well as when another friend and I were talking last week about sugar, how it reacts with me, and my desire to make a Banana Pudding. I shared how when I am ‘in sugar’ but not eating any at the moment, I am filled with feelings that feel so bleak and depressing, one would call it suicidal. The slightest problem in my life – when on sugar cycle – triggers a thought over the slightest upset, “I need to kill myself.” So then I eat more sugar.

Yes I made (like my great grandmother’s) banana pudding from scratch. And I ate quite a bit. So right now – although NOT “depressed”…My brain IS feeling the sugar scream [the LOW] that accompanies a sugar extravaganza withdrawal. The difference today from – say 9 years ago – is that I am prepared to go through the LOW and not ‘answer’ it with more sugar. [Which leads to a depression cycle.]

My Sugar Detox Solution

I know to double up on protein for meals. I know to drink more water than usual. I know to use aspirin/ibuprofin for the headaches I’m having. And to exercise even though I do not ‘feel’ like it. This will last for about three days from the last sugar. But if I answer it with more sugar and go on a ‘sugar relapse’/'sugar binge’ [daily sugar] for a period of time the withdrawal will last about a week and it will get very ugly.

And had I been following The Sugar Addicts’ Plan over the past few months – like I did when I first realized I lived in a sugar sensitive body, I know I would have never craved the idea of making this banana pudding. But as it is, I do have the solution.

Source: Living Samsara

Hakuin says, “Is that so?”

Was Hakuin a fool letting the world treat him badly and poorly, destroying his reputation and good name? He was lied on, did not defend himself, and raised a child – who was not his – for a year. Then he turned the child over without argument, without correction or an even, “Hey. Listen. Reimburse me for what you put me through and by the way, I am suing you for defamation.”

Jesus said, “Resist not Evil” and here is Hakuin, not resisting. And you might hear me say “What we resists, persists” and other philosophies carry this in their back pocket too. The reason is because it’s the Truth.

Non-Duality includes inviting everything that comes our way into our world and why not? With or without my participation, acceptance, openness or detachment  – in this case, to other peoples’ opinions or perceptions – reality will happen.

Illusion, Rumors, Gossip, Truth

People believe lies all the time. Or they believe rumors, gossip, illusions or Truth. In the metaphysical realm, when I release my need for someone to know some Truth, I notice I no longer care that they know it or I discover that they will come to know it, in Hakuin’s case. In the earth realm, say via Codependent Recovery, it’s not my business whether someone knows some Truth or not. Either way, it’s a win.

So, what do you think of Hakuin?

Is he still a fool or a very wise Zen Master?

Source: Living Samsara

Accepting Yourself

Do you accept yourself?

Had someone asked me this question even at the height of my self-hatred I would have said yes. I would have said yes because when I was not ‘asleep’, I was either drinking alcohol, thinking about drinking alcohol, or otherwise planning or doing something else to distract myself from my mind; my thoughts.

Some years ago my thoughts were not friendly toward me; I loathed myself. And not for anything in particular that I was aware of. And not because I was addicted to alcohol. Alcohol was my friend for a very long time as it helped me to run from my thoughts. But when the day came I realized something needed to change, I put the alcohol down and that’s when the pain of myself screamed in my face and stayed screaming. I did not get this Truthful and painful awareness until I put the ‘alcoholic solution’ down – which is one way to understand that my self-hatred was not born from drinking. (If it were, I should have been ‘fixed’ when I quit drinking.)

No, this isn’t about being an alcoholic. Alcohol was just my solution to the unawareness of not accepting myself. And I hope to share my story to help others who may be in a similar place or on a similar path.

How do you know if you accept yourself? Do you hear your mind judging you and shaming you? Do you put labels on yourself subconsciously believing if you could just ‘do better’ that label would disappear? Do you measure your worthiness in accord to how ‘perfect’ you can be? Or have you given up into the black morass of self-loathing and ‘have accepted’ yourself as worthless? Or do you judge others? Judging others is a safe way to catch yourself judging yourself because other people are just our reflections. [PLEASE do not feel any shame attached with judging despite it's 'spiritually incorrect' connotations. Of course we judge. I judge. I judge as often as I can and I love it. It's that judgment in the form of condemnation or 'you should feel ashamed!' that condemns ourselves.]

Because, once again, it’s always about us. Always. Never about the other person. Never.

“There comes a point when you can do such and such a thing or suffer!”

Normally I really dislike “there comes a point when” statements and of course, that’s part of my story. “No…there doesn’t necessarily ever become a point!” Some people are above the point or below the point or beside the point or have many points or none at all. But this discussion about recognition is better served for a later date because today I want to discuss something reality-based that is important for every person who desires to know how – to know how: Accepting yourself and how to do it.

A friend tagged me in a an image with this quote by Laurell Hamilton and I enjoy when this friend tags me because he doesn’t tag me with gnomic ‘feel good’ aphorisms that have been turned into ‘feel good’ or ‘self-help’ cliches that people accept without thought or inquiry. I dislike cliches – many of them codependently inclined in their regard to romantic love – and that’s one of my brain screams.

First let’s take a look at Hamilton’s insightful quote:

“There comes a point when you either embrace who and what you are, or condemn yourself to be miserable all your days. Other people will try to make you miserable; don’t help them by doing the job yourself.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

This is beautiful isn’t it? Truly it is a piece of inspiration to really know and embrace what that means for the one who has escaped caring more about other peoples’ opinions than caring about being , accepting, embracing the “who or what” they are.

This is a universally understandable idea. Who among us doesn’t remember being a child and trying so hard to please or get approval from  either one or both of our parents or some other authority figure in our life? As children, we do seek to please for our validation as worthy human beings; Whether it’s cleaning our room well, getting a good grade our parents are proud of, or eating everything on our plate [which isn't the healthiest "good girl" or "good boy" associative message to send to impressionable children lest they grow up "eating everything on their plate" in order to "be approved of" to the exclusion of their physical health]. So if we stop at childhood, we see how people-pleasing has its honest beginnings in being accepted as a member into our own families. 

Why and How People Pleasing Goes Wrong

For the reader familiar with my work you understand this to be a valued commodity in the codependent discord and dis-ease arena; People pleasing to the exclusion of being yourself, who you are, or who you desire to be.

What was once simply a childlike way to gain acceptance and approval then turns into a way of living.

We don’t need to worry about Hamilton’s advice to ‘embrace ourselves’ because as long as we can contort ourselves really well and hide those parts of ourselves we’ve been well-taught or otherwise learned are unfriendly, ‘socially inappropriate,’ ‘religiously inappropriate’ or otherwise unworthy of coming out to play – or at least should remain hidden – then certainly we’ll be so busy ‘being embraced’ by others that we’ll forget we’re not embracing ourselves or who we really are. Uh, right?

Parents show their children they are pleased with them by rewarding them with affection or other positive reinforcements that the child finds value in. So the child cleans their room and is validated. The child gets an A and is validated. The child helps with the dishes and is validated. S/He also plays wells with others, doesn’t argue, isn’t loud, is very agreeable, and so forth. S/He learns – through conditioning and training – that these aspects of her behavior are desirable. And at school s/he sees (subconsciously) that her teachers, school system, and peer network operate the same way.

As adolescence and adulthood approaches, something happens (or doesn’t happen, rather) and some of us continue placing increasing emphasis on what others think of us rather than giving any thought or consideration to who we are, ourselves. And sometimes this goes so wrong that we ‘chameleonize’ – change according to our surroundings – for approval and never really do get to “know who are” much less “embrace and accept who we are.”

As long as we’re being appreciated for our (secretively chameleon) efforts, we’re safe.

As long as we’re never confronted with ourselves, we can avoid self-discovery. Methods of avoiding self-discovery or self-awareness (leading to self-acceptance) are plentiful: People pleasing, relationships, the imbibing of alcoholism, drugs, gambling, or any activity that can take our minds from the nagging feeling we’re not really matching our outsides up with our insides.

But one day, if we are lucky, we get to that magical point.

I was lucky. I got to that magical point of awareness that I did not accept myself. And I was set free. Once I realized I did not accept myself, I went about learning how to do it. This did not happen for me until I quit drinking. Alcohol was my escape route of all problems so that when I put it down, I began peeling myself life an onion. And the first order of business was addressing this awareness of self-hate.

I didn’t just quit drinking and then wake up thinking, “Gee it seems like a great day to discover I hate myself. And now with this new insight, I am going to go intentionally seeking how to accept myself instead!” No. Not like that. More like this: After I quit drinking, there I was – not numb. And because I was going to *Alcoholics Anonymous, I was not numb and also surrounding myself with other humans who served as a mirror:

• So that when I was addressed for being too skinny.
• So that when “Fake it til you make it” became an echo in my head.
• So that when others were speaking of ‘accepting abuse’ because they deserved it.
• So that when ‘being an alcoholic’ was equivocated with being ‘sick, selfish, and self-centered.’
• So that when I’m hearing that “selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of our problems.”

These statements and ideas served as a magnification that I’d already believed: That I need to try harder – and fake it if necessary – to do what these people tell me so that I am no longer sick, selfish, self-centered and if I am abused by people in my life in the meantime it is because I am a sick, selfish, and self-centered alcoholic.

The problem is that I had alcohol to numb these messages before and now I did not. SO… ‘my’ eating disorder took its place and so sporadic marathons of staring in the mirror telling my reflection how much I hated myself.

Addressing the self-hate immediately following sobriety had become important for me if I were to continue to not drink. Despite being told by others in the fellowship that (if I were doing it right) A.A. would solve all of my problems, I just could not wait until I started ‘doing it right’ or I was going to be back to square one; Self-loathing AND drunk.

Accepting Yourself Despite What Others Think

People Telling You What to Do or Who You Are

So that when I asked friends in the fellowship – who seemed to be on the same path I was on – for specific direction or help, their ‘advice’ or ‘help’ was not enough. And this is how I was reaffirmed to “know them by their fruits.” (I am not going to ask an angry person how to be happy or a non-self-aware person how to become self-aware.) And it was at that point in my recovery, I was taught to quit assuming that just because a physical body is in the same location as my physical body, that we’re operating from similar levels or motivations.

Back to Hamilton’s quote. ‘Other people will try to make you miserable‘ not because they are ‘naturally’ cruel, hateful or despotic but because an ‘unaccepted state of self’ cannot accept ‘accepted states of others’. There is a kind of anger – based in unrecognized envy maybe – that arises in a certain personality who senses a freedom in another personality. They’re angry because you’ve escaped the Rules of Shame and Blame or they are angry because you’re no longer buying their Shame or Blame. OR they’re jealous because they feel as if they can never escape and ‘why are you so lucky that you get to have your own rules, anyway?’  And you will discover this when you begin gaining your freedom from the bondage of other peoples’ opinions. AND this is not your business. And accept yourself anyway. :) And if these people are lucky, they may gain the recognition one day that they, too, can escape the cycle of their shame and blame based hell; That it’s NOT reserved for just certain people.

After knowing, accepting, and embracing yourself, you will notice how your compassion for ‘miserable’ people will begin to replace any retaliatory anger naturally. You won’t even have to try. And I’m not saying don’t get angry. Had it not been for my getting angry in early sobriety, I’d have never known the Truth. Don’t turn anything I say into any sort of rule of worship or you’ll miss the magic. I say this for the former me/s out there who found/find comfort in rules. [See Codependent Recovery.]

HSP Addendum & Example

Let’s say you are a Highly Sensitive Person and you do know precisely that someone is trying purposefully to make you miserable or feel shame, humiliation, or embarrassment. In fact, you’ve felt this person’s energy or have read their mind so often you’ve resorted to just needing to stay away or you’re looking at buying ‘Protection from ‘Psychic Vampires’ books. This is not in your imagination; Your crown chakra is letting you know exactly everything you need to know about this person in this instance and they’re out to harm you despite their falsely sweet nature that everyone else is buying.

How can you NOT feel anger at knowing that another human being is intent on hating you, right? (Well, if you keep at this process, you’ll notice your lack of anger increasing despite what you Know about people and their motives; But you’re not here yet, maybe, so let’s see how to get here.)

Go deeper. You’re an HSP / Evolved Spirit / Seeker so you can do this. Don’t let the ‘messages’ from your Knowing be the end of it; Go deeper. You have other Gifts at your disposal. You think you’re going to be saddled with this Gift of Knowing for either no reason or for the purpose of it to make you ‘feel angry?’  Did God give you Knowledge you could walk (or any other ability) just so you could Know you could walk and then get angry because of it? Of course not.

The purpose of (any ability) the ability to walk is to walk to the current goal you have in mind; the kitchen, the park, the bed. So if we simply end at the Knowing of a Thing without using that Knowing as a bridge for higher purpose/fulfillment of desire/ healing /enlightenment, anger is what happens. Chronic anger happens to victims of the mind. And I’ve been a victim to my mind. So just do not stop there in the feeling of anger- whatever you do – and all will be well. Feel the anger, yes. But don’t start worshiping it – it’s only an emotion; a tool. To stay stuck in it is to victimize yourself: “Well, I fear/hate this person back because she’s trying to sabotage me and there is nothing I can do.” [And that fear/hate will taint every aspect of your life.]

When someone is trying/attempting to tell you who you are or trying to invoke misery onto you or give you information that resonates no Awareness of Truth inside of you – you may be provoked into messages from childhood of being put in that ‘box’ or situation and your ego comes to your defense, in this instance for example, and tells you, “They’re trying to do to me what I’ve worked so hard to overcome! I HATE that they’re doing that!” Yes. Despite messages to the contrary, anger can have value.

Just do not stop with the anger. You have it for a reason for YOU to get through. Keep going through it. Stay confused in it as you clumsily try to discover yourself. Talk to someone who’s been on this path and let them be your light for now. If you’re in a 12 step program, do a 4th step. If you’re in therapy, tell your counselor. Call a trusted friend and be honest with where you are. Be angry. Be as angry as you need to. Journal the anger. Tell the story. Start a blog. Primal scream. Paint. Work out. Whatever you do, don’t keep it stuck inside as a secret feeling and do NOT end it there. It might be a bridge but it is not the destination.

Why Accepting Yourself is Worth it

If I’m gonna do something that seems new or challenging, I want to know why I should. I figure you might too.

I was the self-hating, perfectionistic, low self-esteemer who put on make-up and coiffed my hair and relied on various ego tricks – built in barriers – to try to stop people [the world] from hurting me. And the tricks failed. I was hurt anyway. After stopping drinking I realized people did not even necessarily want to hurt me, but I was hurt anyway. Often.

Not knowing who I was [former chameleon] everything hurt! As soon as I’d adopted a rule for a particular situation, I found out that rule did not apply in another situation. A friend who loved that I smiled and laughed a lot would have another person asking if I was on cocaine. A friend tells me I am pretty and another person tells me I am too skinny. I gain the courage to offer an insight and another person tells me they are offended by my insight. I gained the ability to say ‘No’ when I wanted to say ‘No” and the person to whom I said No, raged on me.  And all these were happening AFTER sobriety! Had I paid attention to what people [allegedly sober in A.A. told me], I would have thought I deserved the rage and belittling of others and that I was doing it wrong. It turned out, I was doing it exactly right – I just did not want my feelings hurt in the process. And this was where Self-Acceptance came in.

I realized I wanted healing because the pain was all-encompassing and I no longer wanted chemicals or illusions to save me. And I did not want to be at the whim of the world.

So let me share some gifts I have obtained after Accepting (Embracing) Myself:

1.] When I learned to accept myself I needed no one else’s acceptance. Today I still enjoy peoples’ acceptance – of course I do. It’s nice to have friends and ‘be accepted.’ But magic happened when I realized that when I accept and approve of my own self, I do not ‘need’ others to do it ‘for me.’ That magic was that I was naturally attracting and attracted to others – like me – who either wanted to accept themselves or realized they did not know how. This common bond assures me I have friends AND friends who are on a similar path. If I get off kilter or become vulnerable in a life situation and I “need” someone’s momentary acceptance (until I can find my Truth again), I can call one of these friends. 

2.] When I learned to accept myself – I accepted others. And what this looks like is that because I went toe to toe with my internal dialogue, undoing all the illusions, I no longer put those illusions on you. I think I need to color within the lines, so if I have to, you do too. And when you don’t, I judge you with the exact same compassion I judged myself – none. People who brag about being perfectionists? Yeah, I was never one of them but I WAS an internal perfectionist and no, I never bragged. It was a painful black secret. And because I do accept others, when a friend who is vulnerable or in pain and needs external acceptance in the midst of it – I can be there and give it to her until she, too, can re-balance in which she will no longer ‘need’ my acceptance of her. We’re undoing huge illusions here; There’s bound to be faltering in the beginning.

3.] When I learned to accept myself – others did too. This holds hands with #2 up there in that I am almost positive there are people who probably do not accept me 100% – But the amazing beauty is that I do not notice it. Therefore, in my world, everyone accepts me. (This is proof of the old “in the rooms” phrase of “It starts with me; It ends with me.” This is the cornerstone of all Recovery and Spiritual Growth.) Or maybe I have it wrong, maybe everyone really DOES accept me. I love how Byron Katie says, “I know everyone loves me. They just don’t know it yet.” Because, again, it’s OUR junk blocking our love and acceptance of others. OURS. How can we love and accept others if we are such harsh critics of our own Selves? So, like my beloved says, “Stop it.” :)

4.] Freedom and discoveries keep right on coming and do not stop. If someone would have told me 9 years ago that I would have had the courage to do some of the things I have done in the past 9 years, I would not have believed them. Standing on the platform of the “Who I Am” with the foundation being made of diamond and not the ever-changing sand of other peoples’ beliefs or even my own for that matter, I am firm and balanced. This is not to be confused with a ‘firm and balanced ego’ but rather, I have discovered the ever-changing nature of my ego and even accept my ego.

5.] When I learned to accept myself –  I no longer feared people.  Oh my goodness, I lived in fear of people and their shame and blame of me. It worked on me because I was my biggest shamer and blamer. Metaphysically speaking, our outsides reflect back to us the state of our insides and I love that. I really do. I’d been drunk and self-loathing and carried these illusory beliefs of myself with me despite that I was no longer drinking and so, of course, I would have some Elevated Teachers to teach me how to not hate myself. But more often than the Elevated Teachers, I would encounter others or other life experiences that reflected back my internal dialogue. Which was great for me because it illicited a ‘righteous’ anger that I could bring to a Teacher or Sponsor and get clarification about.

Warning: People Telling You What to Do but Not How

Has anyone ever told you to ‘get over it?’ Right, but they don’t offer how. Stands to reason if you have a problem and someone tells you to ‘get over it’ that they would share with you precisely how, or else it would not be a problem for you in the first place because you already would have known how. The Truth is more likely they don’t know how which is why they’d throw a discompassioned retort your way. In fact, part of my process in early recovery was asking “How?” when I sensed that ‘those lacking in self-awareness or compassion’ were filling me with ‘smart sounding’ advice. It was fun to watch them shut up or get a blank stare while the more enlightened/evolved/Spiritual ones would realize their ego’s error and  say, “You know? I don’t know.” [This really happened once.]

Again. Many of us are Baby Buddhas on this path so forgiveness of our own ego is just as essential as the softening toward others’ egos.  Certain personalities [HSP's / Spiritually Evolved/ Abiders of the Intuitive Christ Truth] can sense when another’s hubris or hamartia is speaking and also, when a person’s paradigm is based in their hubris. SO, ask, “How.” Why not? Maybe you’ll be wrong and you’ll learn something or by being a mirror, they’ll learn something. :)

So those are some of the hallmark gifts of self-acceptance and there are others. To say Freedom, Happiness, an Inexpressible Abundance of Love & Compassion for myself and others seems a little silly to share with someone in the current bondage of chameleonization but please believe it happens. AND I encourage you to not believe me. No really. Don’t believe me. I don’t ever want a friend of mine to believe me in anything I say. I want friends to go see for themselves that my testimony is absolutely not unique.

How to Accept Yourself Starting Right Now

If  you’ve not yet experienced this path of self-acceptance yet OR if your ego [ie, super-ego] is ‘accepting’ you just fine [which is not the same thing as it can crumble and victimize you at any moment] I DO have some things that worked for me.

1.] Start today with this phrase: “I accept myself today.” Make it a goal to say it 500 times a day for two weeks. Repeat as necessary. I did not find it necessary to repeat this activity since I growth-spurted into self-acceptance during the first week! This told me that I was replacing old self-talk and old internal dialogue that used to say, “You’re stupid!” or “Can’t you do anything right?” Yes, I was a harsh and demanding critic of myself.

Say it aloud. Say it in your head. Sing it. Shout it. Sneak it into conversations with friends. [ie, "I started smoking again and I accept myself today."] Say it when you spill something on the carpet; When you’re walking through the house; When you burn the rice; When you’re putting on your shoes; When you’re looking in the mirror; When you noticed you gained some weight or lost some weight. Say it when you think you goofed. Say it for a job well done. Just say it!

2.] Make some ‘mistakes’ / Remove your mask / Be vulnerable / Be the ‘Realer’ You

1. Mispel some werds and don’t korrect yourself.
2. Get a fact wrong in conversation and do not correct yourself when you realize it.
3. Color outside the lines on a sheet from a coloring book.
4. Mispronounce a word.
5. Say “I don’t know.”
6. Say no to requests you want to say NO to and do it w/o offering a reason. [ie, Can you give me a ride?]
7. Leave your soda can or bottle “accidentally” somewhere – in public – without cleaning up after yourself.
8. Let someone give you unsolicited advice (that disagrees with your Spirit) then tell them you are not going to do that.
9. If you normally look polished, don’t ‘polish up’ for one day. [ie, Don't wear make-up. Wear sweats. Don't shave.]
10. Call a friend – when you need help – and straightforwardly ask. [ie,  "I need help." or "Can you help me?"]
11. Offer someone you perceive as a non-friendly / enemy a genuine & substantive compliment.
12. Embrace an uncomfortable silence. [ie, Sit in it and find the comfort. Breathe....breathe....breathe....]
13. Make a needed boundary on a person who intimidates you. [ie, Boss/Dad please don't talk junk to me about ____.]
14. Share a boundary with a FRIEND. [ie, I don't like it when you joke about my body size.]
15. Admit something you are not the proudest of but follow it with, “… and I accept myself.“

These are just a few ‘outside my comfort zone’ exercises I engaged in. And some are quite scary. The point is to begin practicing how to ACCEPT YOURSELF despite inviting the absolute worst [from the world] to happen.

• You leave a can on a table at an A.A. meeting after they ask you clean up after yourself? Yes! Invite someone to correct you AND ACCEPT YOURSELF anyway.
• You set a boundary with someone who intimidates you and they end up RAGING? Good, let them rage and let them keep it AND ACCEPT YOURSELF anyway.
• You say “No” to a colleague who asks to borrow $10 and you do NOT share why? Good! Feel the shame of previous brain messages that tell you you should either loan it OR at least make an excuse AND ACCEPT YOURSELF anyway.
• Someone who thinks they know how to ‘fix’ you, gives you unsolicited advice [like always] and this time you break out of your comfortable, “Okay” only to not ‘take it’ anyway? This time you actually say, “I am not going to do that.” or “That seems like a destructive idea.” or “My Spirit wholeheartedly disagrees with that.” The audacity of you. AND ACCEPT YOURSELF anyway!

3.] Do these supplemental things:

1. Read my last article which has valuable ideas and resources of its own merit regarding HOW specifically to get back to you.
2. When you catch yourself remembering that you imposed shame on yourself, follow with “…BUT I accept myself today!

Conclusion

There is no conclusion to the magic of self-discovery when you’ve gotten to the magical point of awareness. Awareness is being pointed at us all the time but we’re often so busy going through our lives either running from this, numbing out, being busy, or otherwise in an avoidance or defensive posture. Gangaji would say it’s a mystery why those who arrive at this point, do… and I agree. It’s very special, getting to this point. [Painful, yes, maybe. But special.]

In my case, I had to go directly to Hell and live through cycles of Samsara. And I still may, periodically, because I do enjoy a good horror. But the choice, even in this, is the magic. I know who I am so when I make this choice to descend or ascend, I am choosing – in awareness. I am no longer being unconsciously and mindlessly descended or ascended according to the whims of the world or of other people. And this is my hope for you.

And I accept you. I accept you completely.

Namaste!

Updated November 19, 2012

—

*Alcoholics Anonymous is a 12 step organization. The program of A.A. – the 12 steps – along with my sponsor and some of the members of the fellowship are who I credit with helping me achieve sobriety. People in the fellowship (who attend meetings) – contrary to my earlier beliefs – are not necessarily sober or drug-free or, if sober or drug-free, not necessarily self-accepting, sane, or on the path I am on. And unless others know who they are, they can – with no efficacy – help you get to knowing who YOU are. So don’t believe everything you hear or see. This addendum is important to note for my own peace of mind because in early sobriety, I was willing to do what anyone _in the rooms_ suggested. I will make a lengthier post about this eventually. :)

Source: Living Samsara

After several messages of friends online asking “How do I help an alcoholic stop drinking?” I was impelled to share this. Therefore, I am going to offer some suggestions. But before you take off with these suggestions, I am sure to have some people (Al-Anons or Codependents) who’ve arrived at this page with the thought, ” I knew I could get him to stop drinking!” Yeah, no. You can’t. BUT you can be the seed-planter and do not underestimate that.

Rest assured. These tips are coming only from me; Being a double winner of Al-Anon recovery [by way of Alateen in High School] and later, when alcohol proved more successful than alateen recovery and then finally to Alcoholics Anonymous and then back to Al-Anon I went onto Codie Recovery.

This is part of my alcoholic and codependent recovery experience from both sides merged into one.

And if Alcoholics Anonymous and Codependent (by way of Al-Anon) recovery has taught me anything, it’s that I can only share my experience, strength, and hope. I will not offer suggestions or advice or any other thing that I did not do or that did not work for me to first, get sober and then next, get sane. Everything I share played a part in turning this former self-loathing, helpless, daily drinking and suicide-attempting alcoholic life into a joyous, happy, whole, serene, and sober existence.

So let’s get to it.

How to Help an Alcoholic Quit Drinking

1. Don’t let it remain a secret. Secrets have no light. Under the cloak of darkness and hiding is where dis-ease flourishes and they best flourish as secrets. It encourages shame and as long as shame by way of secrecy is an aspect of any dis-ease, healing cannot begin. Remove the secrecy; remove the shame and stigma. Then we can start.

Examples of not allowing the suspected alcoholism remain a secret: “You’re drinking a lot. This worries me.” or “Have you ever thought about trying to quit drinking?” or “I don’t know but it seems like you’re drinking an awful lot these days.”

2. Don’t judge or label. The trick with not letting the potential victim of alcoholism maintain the secrecy and shame is an attitude of tolerance and non-judgement.

Trust me. Believe me. If you pass judgement on an alcoholic or potential alcoholic, or shame them, this will feed their alcoholism and provide a great excuse to keep going. Alcoholics deal with their emotions by drinking and if you’re trying to help them, this would be counter-productive to your ultimate goal. [If you need help with learning how to communicate please read my Words can Harm. Words can Heal series.]

If you are the spouse, significant other, or romantic partner of an alcoholic: Yes, I know you may be angry. Yes, I know you may feel betrayed. Yes, I even know what feeling like you’re in 2nd or last place feels like. I realize you want what you used to have with your loved one. Maybe you’re numb already and maybe you are here by accident. Maybe you’re still care-taking her or him somehow feeling if you could just “take care of things for him” that he would not have to drink. I get it. I do. But holding that anger, betrayal inside yourself is a heavy burden isn’t it? Read this first and then come back here. [Bookmark this page if you need to.]

If you have a difficult time believing that alcoholism is more than a matter of sheer willpower and you somehow think that shaming might work, think about this truth. I am a typical alcoholic. I did not have any tools other than alcohol in which to deal with myself. If I had a bad memory, I drank. If I felt sad, I drank. If I felt happy, I drank. If I had something to celebrate, I drank. Something to mourn, I drank. I did not know what else to do in the face of emotions; particularly fear and shame. You shame an alcoholic and what have you just done? You have just shamed an alcoholic. That’s it. Just given another excuse to need to drink. It is not about willpower. It is about a real live deficiency in their emotional and mental toolkit. Would you shame a retarded person or a schizophrenic or even a diabetic or cancer victim? The American Medical Association does classify alcoholism as a disease. Therefore, this is not a matter of “just stopping” for the alcoholic by way of shaming, blaming or belittling. It is a disease.

3. Don’t force but do make the offer to help. Timing, however, is critical. In the life of an alcoholic there are often presented many small to large windows of opportunity in which s/he would be receptive to alcoholism assistance. These windows are usually after some episode in which one could characterize as an unusual experience.

Some times I was receptive to assistance were plenty: When I threw up on myself after passing out on my bed naked. When I’d been arrested for underage drinking. When I was taken to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning and black-out as a teenager. After yet another regrettable night of promiscuous sex in which I’d either been passed out, in a black out or using bad judgement. When I drove drunk to pick up my step-son. When I destroyed my sister’s living room furniture in order to kick her boyfriends ass. When the police were called on me because I was having fun with a butcher knife. [Need a laugh? Read my Top 7 Drunk Episodes as a kid.]

The reason for this timing should be clear; Alcoholics are more receptive to assistance when they have just suffered a consequence due to their drinking. It would not be advisable to approach an alcoholic who is drunk, however and begin wasting your time with how to help them if they look like they need no help. If a drunk alcoholic approaches you or begins crying for help while drunk or under the influence  it may be appropriate to leave the following suggested information with her/him. Sure you can listen with sympathy and compassion – of course you can. But if you’re at the end of your rope in watching your potentially alcoholic loved one cycle through drunken remorse to drunken debauchery and back to drunken remorse, it is also appropriate to set a boundary if you need to take care of yourself. [See Codependency articles for information on Al-Anon/Codependency].

How to help when you sense a receptive spirit in the potential alcoholic.

Call your local Alcoholics Anonymous and get their meeting information to give to your friend or email the local meeting schedule to your friend. [Meeting areas can be found at the AA website.]

Or call another alcoholic you may know who has quit drinking.

Or visit your local A.A. and buy a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to offer your friend or relative as a gift. [Buying it from an A.A. meeting place will be at cost - which is usually $6 to $9 - depending upon where you are in the world; if you buy it elsewhere you may pay a higher price but if you click the image to your left, there are usually people on Amazon who will sell their *used* book rather cheaply!]

4. Remember that you are just the seed planter. But your role is vital! It is true that you cannot get an alcoholic sober. It is not true that you are powerless. You have many options depending upon your relationship with the one you suspect of alcoholism. Do not feel discouraged if your “help” has not been acted upon or you see nothing “good” coming from it yet. Too often we’re eager to see the fruits of our work take hold but when an addiction like alcoholism is involved, the victim of it must seek the actual help herself and must do the work in getting and staying sober I do not care what anyone else tells you. [Please see the end of these suggestions for more general information of the mind of an active alcoholic.]

If we can think of ourselves as doing the good work, for the right reason, then the results are really none of our business is how I look at it. Now, I fully realize that that’s a harsh pill to swallow if you’re the parent, the child, or the spouse or relative of an alcoholic who is killing herself. I know this. I know how hard it is to accept. So, until they’re ready, continue to love them but no need to love or enable their disease. [See #5.]

Seeds that were planted within me that eventually took hold were many! I am very glad that the seeds that were planted -from my teenage years on – eventually did root and grow! I am also glad that the people who took time with me didn’t say, “She is not ready yet! We should withhold our efforts for someone who is ready!” Solid A.A.’s remember this when a newcomer comes in.

5. Get help for yourself if necessary. (See: Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps) Alcoholism or alcoholic family members or relatives do not live in a vacuum separate from the alcoholic, even though it may feel like you’re on different planets! Chances are that if you’re currently living with an alcoholic, you are living according to what I call “Alcoholic Rules.” These rules are usually generational, meaning that if you never even pick up a drink and your Dad is currently “the alcoholic” in the household, you are going to adopt these rules, function within these rules and then pass these rules to your own children or household:

1. Anticipate. Anticipate the alcoholics needs so they need not do anything! After all, if you meet their needs, they may not *want* to drink! Turn into a people-pleaser and a mind-reader!
2. Beg. Beg the alcoholic to change! Add some nagging for good measure.
3. Control. Make sure to try to control the alcoholic. Manipulating is good too. In fact, why stop there? Make sure to control every situation and even the non-alcoholics in the family! If you can exert more control, surely things will change!
4. Deny. Denial is necessary! Don’t think about it. Don’t talk on it. Don’t tell on it. Tell yourself there is no problem.
5. Enable. Enable the disease. Don’t allow the victim to feel the consequences. Bail out of jail. Give money. Call in sick for the victim. Make plenty of excuses.
6. Fret. Walk on eggshells. Feel hopeless and helpless but only when no one is looking.
7. Gag Order. Make sure you gag order the family so they cannot get help! See #3 & #4.
8. Hero. Be the hero of the family. Everyone loves a martyr!
9. Isolate. Make sure to isolate. Alcoholism loves this one and tries to get everyone doing it. Remember that dis-ease loves secrecy! See #7 so everyone does it!
10. Justify. Justify why all of the above are necessary and work for your way of living and repeat. These rules will then infiltrate every aspect of your life enabling the progression of your own dis-ease! [Codependency, raging, workaholism, over-eating, pills, and even the beginning of your drinking career!]

The above rules are often seen even in households in which there is no alcoholism due to the nature of how we pass along what we know down generational lines. But if these rules are exhibited in a household with no alcoholic, you may still seek help in order to stop these rules from destroying you. See here for Codependent Recovery Articles or see here for suggested Codependent Books.]

If these rules seem familiar to you and you think you need help, Al-Anon and Alateen are organizations comprised of people who understand. They understand the secrecy, the pain, the powerlessness, the anger… Both helped me to understand the effects of alcoholism and how to choose a different way of living that led to serenity despite and while living in the midst of a person whose solution was to stay lit.

I went for a more all-encompassing solution in the form of Codependent Recovery after I got sober. I realized that after trying to stop drinking many times in my life what continued bringing me back to alcohol as my solution was the ineffective way at how I managed myself in relationships; Often putting others first or selling myself out for the sake of peacekeeping. Unable to live in the area of un-integrity, my solution would revert back to alcohol.

More about Alcoholism for the Non-Alcoholic

The Mind of an Alcoholic – An alcoholic’s mind can be perfectly well-balanced except as it pertains to alcohol. A normally honest spouse will lie if he has to regarding his alcohol. Normally smart about money-matters, if you have a relative you suspect of drinking [or doing drugs for that matter] and it becomes coupled with not having enough money and the punchline is ‘can they borrow some?’ it may very well be related to their drinking.

Alcoholics are funny, too, in that – although they may not be completely aware of it [I wasn't] – they think they have a secret. The entire world can witness the barrage of trouble they seem to find themselves in or take note [as was my case] how they would shut the door and unplug the phone and not emerge for weeks, but they really think as if it will go unnoticed. Alcoholism is a very twisted disease this way, often hiding from the one who has it just as much as it hides from the person who is concerned.

Drinking is only a Symptom – I know it is strange for non-alcoholic people to even begin to understand this disease called alcoholism, and to tell you the truth, even alcoholics in recovery frequently refer to the disease as it’s relayed in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, “cunning, baffling, powerful!” What we do know is that over-drinking or dependence on drinking or drinking despite negative consequences is only a symptom. Where recovery comes in, is equipping the alcoholic with more productive tools than the drinking that has turned damaging.

Alcohol was my Friend until it Wasn’t - Alcohol did not judge me. Alcohol gave me confidence for my otherwise introverted nature. Alcohol eased my discomfort at being around other people. Alcohol eased my emotional turbulence. Alcohol was always there for me. This is my truth and this is how it started. But, not even getting started good as a teenager, it began turning on me.

I could never seem to just stick with any limit I would impose upon myself. I remember begging my sister, as a teenager, before I began drinking for the night, to not let me drink  more than three. [Three happened to be my magic number when the *feel really good* kicked in.] I remember how she tried, my poor sister. But in the end, my manipulation, my lies of “Oh I didn’t mean it” worked. It always worked. But in case I sensed it wouldn’t, there was always the threat of physical violence or ruining the good time we were having. Nothing was off limits when it came to feeding my alcoholism.

So what does an alcoholic do when her only solution turns into her biggest problem? She looks for another solution. Some alcoholics choose suicide and still, others choose to continue drinking [sometimes being directly or indirectly responsible for leading them to jails, institutions, and/or an alcohol-related death]. I chose a different route.

Solutions for Alcohol Dependence

My solution was to learn other tools so I would not have to drink for my solution and that is what I did. There are a few ways to get into this solution. Alcoholics Anonymous [I did this one] Rational Recovery [this too!], a spiritual awakening [like I had] …

There is no monopoly on solutions to stop drinking although some solutions may try to claim as such. Even the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous concedes this point. The main point for you, as the person who wants to help a potential alcoholic, is that for every personality of alcoholic, there is a solution. However, if you start throwing 500 different alternatives to an alcoholic hoping one of them will stick, you may frustrate them so go slow, easy does it, don’t force. Simply be available.

Is Alcoholics Anonymous a Cult? Yes, maybe and no, not at all. Confusion right?

First of all, if you read the first 164 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous Book [as well as the Traditions] – and you can read it online here  – you will see that A.A. is almost anarchy in it’s approach. There are no rules, no mandates, no lectures to be endured… And those are facts. That is Alcoholics Anonymous at the core. But.

Then we have the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and meetings are only as good as the Traditions of A.A. they follow. [The Traditions are in the Big Book also, that suggest to A.A. how to "order" itself.] This means that some people have, indeed, suffered some bad A.A. meetings [myself included]. But like any social organization it is prone to the indulgences of ego. The good news is that there are many meetings and some, even online.

Feb 20, 2013 Update: I still do attend A.A. meetings but I want to stress that MY program of recovery is NOT going to AA meetings. MY program of recovery was STARTED by going to A.A.; Doing 90 meetings in 90 days and getting a friend [or in A.A. terms, a 'sponsor'] who WAS happily sober and could help me. Until I had a different toolkit in my ‘arsenal’ I went a couple to 5 times a week. This enabled me to connect with others like me; Others who wanted to stay sober. It allowed me to see I was not alone. It allowed me to see that being a drunk didn’t mean I need to stay that way. It allowed me to connect with others like me. And THEN I went to Al-Anon and into Codependent Recovery but that’s another story. These days I mostly just stay connected with people who are sober and sane despite where I meet them.

So can you be an Al-Anon target as well as an Alcoholic? Absolutely. I was. I am. I was in Alateen while I was using drinking. Eventually I went full fledged over to drinking in order to deal with every problem I had. When I got sober is when I went back to Al-Anon because although I was now sober and developing new tools in which to deal with life in general, I still wasn’t at ease with family members and friends who continued drinking or living within alcoholic rules. Going around them or talking to them made me feel scared, angry, and powerless; All the reasons I drank to start with.

Final Word about Alcoholism

Alcoholism is a treatable disease. Although it manifests as a physical affliction, the disease centers around the mind. No one can force an alcoholic to seek treatment or force an alcoholic into sobriety or make an alcoholic quit drinking short of trying to lose your mind in the process. However, as a friend or family member who cares for and loves an alcoholic we can help the alcoholic stop drinking. Our only responsibility is to carry the message that there is hope. If we judge or label the drinker as an alcoholic or try to manipulate situations in which to force outcomes or enable their disease an easy time of continuing to ruin our beloved’s life, we can be almost assured that the disease will win every time.

I like to look at it as a battle. The disease of alcoholism will use everything it can to isolate the drinker from help. It will manipulate, lie, ruin relationships, and everything else it can think of in order to win the soul of our beloved. If we do the same thing – given that we are not as powerful as this insidious disease – who does it seem will logically win? Let’s get rid of the fight fire with fire mentality and, instead, engage the mentality of “fighting fire with water.”

We continue to love our friends and relatives who are harming themselves. We listen with compassion at their plight when they want to talk. We do not allow, however, the disease to lie to us or to remain activated in secrecy. We are honest with our loved ones and strong in the face of their sickness. We do not enable, make excuses, or agree to the alcoholic rules. And at the same time, we are loving, kind, and patient. But sometimes this means getting well, ourselves, first – before we can help our loved ones who may be under the influence of alcohol.

If you are currently living in hell with an alcoholic I pray and encourage you to seek health and serenity for yourself first. We cannot transmit hope for another until we have realized hope for ourselves.

If I can help in any other way, please let me know.

Take care of yourself.

Alcoholic Recovery Resources [My Articles]

• Alcoholics Anonymous Website
• Find an A.A. Meeting @ the AA website
• Read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous Online
• Alcohol Recovery Books  [New and Used]

Al-Anon, Alateen, Codependent Recovery Resources [My Articles • Codie Recovery on Facebook]

• Al-Anon and Alateen Family Services Website
• Al-Anon Recovery Books  [New and Used]
• Codependent Recovery Books  [New and Used]

Originally published February 01, 2008 • Updated February 20, 2013

Source: Living Samsara