So I decided to turn it into a “Top 7 Drunk and Alcoholic Related Episodes as a Kid” sort of public service announcement, kinda. Not really the most memorable drunk-a-logs but safe enough for this article. :)

These episodes reflect only a small glimpse into my alcoholic past as a kid; Episodes of drunken debauchery or alcoholic misconduct that jumped into my head as soon as I began writing. These are by no means my worst drunkenly imbibed feats of idiocy, just the ones I feel I can safely share without too much of a backlash on my self-esteem. See this if you think you or a loved one may have an alcohol problem.

Top 7  Drunk or Alcoholic Related Episodes as a Kid

#1. I stole my Mom’s car when I was 14 or 15 when I was in a semi blackout drunk.

Even worse, my sister was with me and so was my best friend.It was around 2:00 am and I thought it was a good idea to take a drive. Let’s see… I ran some red lights, stopped at some green ones, drove into a ditch and amazingly found my way back home anyway.

Mom thought she’d busted me the next morning when she collected my purse from the car. A hungover me came to and couldn’t find my purse. I drunkenly and hungover-edly [hungover-edly?] walked past her in the kitchen, out the front door - looking very deliberate like I knew what I was doing - and checked the car thoroughly. My purse was gone! I walked back inside and went straight to my Mom - having no idea how I was going to get out of this one…

“Have you seen my purse?” She looked mildly amused, “No. Why?” Me: “Well I left it in the car, it turns out, when you dropped us off at Christine’s last night.” She looked thoughtful for a second, “Now that you mention it, you didn’t take it with you did you?” Me. “No. I accidentally left it in the car.” Her. “Oh honey… I thought maybe you’d taken the car in the middle of the night or something…” She went and fetched my purse. Me. “God Mom. You’re so funny.”

#2. When I was a minor, my friends and I would steal beer from  convenience stores.

I have never been a thief [by trade or hobby] or a kleptomaniac…you know “needing” to steal for the thrill or joy of it. I tried to buy my beer, wine coolers or liquor, but when 21 yr olds weren’t available or we didn’t feel like selling out to the perverted men who would have gladly done it, we resorted to stealing. Here’s how we did it. [Yeah. I’m telling all the secrets of the alcoholics in training aren’t I? Convenient store clerks, pay attention!]

We’d decide who was going to be the distraction before we went in. [It had to be a man behind the counter or we’d choose a different store.] I was usually the chosen distraction because I could flirt better and because I was a weenie when it came to shoplifting. [But sometimes I was the thief.]

Going in at different times so as to not look like we were together, the flirter/distractor would catch the attention of the clerk and make eye contact and ask stupid questions and hint as to what he was doing after work. The shoplifting friends would be in back shoveling beers into the over-sized bags they’d smuggle in. I wouldn’t quit flirting until my friends were safely back out the door…meantime insuring the clerk was not looking in that direction.

After maybe 3 or 5 more minutes, I’d either take his number, offer a fake number, or give some other vague promise, and leave.

#3. I was put into rehab at age 15.

Easily the worst 48 hours of my underage drinking, I got home and remember only bits and pieces of the entire day and night. I had blood on my arm and apparently - according to them - I told them I’d been hanging out with Don Johnson. They looked in the yearbook and there was no Don Johnson. 

I don’t remember the trip to the E.R. but I do remember becoming combative. Flash forward an attempt to leave the hospital. Flash forward to waking up in my own bed the next morning.

Off to rehab I went and would stay for a few months. My BAL was apparently off the charts which is why this would be the #1 blackout episode of my life. Going to this place would be the worst episode - bar none - of my entire life.

#4. When I was 11, I drank screwdrivers [vodka and orange juice] and smoked the butts of my Mom’s discarded cigarettes as I practiced my mandatory piano lessons.

I actually started drinking - but not regularly - when I was in the 6th grade but didn’t get really drunk out of my mind and decided I liked it until I was 13. There was something so seemingly sophisticated about having a screwdriver and smoking stale butts from the ashtray as I practiced my piano lessons. After a long hard day at the 6th grade… well.

#5. I was 9 or 10 when I popped the top off a beer from the fridge.

The beer was my 1st step-dad’s beer and he drank a beer once in a blue moon. Back then the caps on the beer can were pull-offs. There was no un-doing it once you pulled it off. So here I am a little alcohol addict at 9 or 10 with a 9 or 10 year old brain that could not look past getting the top off. You think I’m making these things up. I assure you; No I’m not. Here’s what happened…

Parents weren’t home. That beer had been calling out to me for days. I remember. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I may have been practically a baby, but my alcoholic tendencies were already keeping up with every other growth spurt I was prone to.

So I’m thinking to myself and thinking hard. “I’ll only have one sip; I swear! No one will ever know.” I popped the top off. “Uh oh.” I remember at that moment knowing I was in big trouble! To this day, although I remember everything else, I still cannot remember if I had become so panic-stricken that I knew I better NOT drink it, or if I eventually did take a drink anyway, knowing I was doomed either way. I put the top back on top of the now-opened beer can and went about like nothing happened.

That would be the night, naturally, my Dad would want his beer. So he called me and my sister into the kitchen and asked who opened the beer. We both denied it. I denied it and had no problem lying because I knew if I ever admitted it, I was getting in big trouble! In the back of my mind I knew if I could just stick with the lie, he’d forget all about it.

I don’t remember how it came to be that my conscience started bothering me. I don’t remember if he began asking all the time and the more times he did, the more times I had to lie…or what. But one night I wrote a letter and told him I did it. I told him I was sorry I lied. I told him a lot of things I no longer remember but I do remember the sorrow for lying to him that had stayed with me in the pit of my stomach.

I called out, “Daddy! Here’s a note!” as I threw the note down the stairs to where he was. Then I promptly went to hide in my parents’ bedroom closet. [I just knew I was going to get a whipping!] Then I heard it! The creaking banisters that meant he was coming upstairs! “Oh God!” He was slow and deliberate and heavy.

After arriving up the stairs, he called me in his booming voice, “Samsara!” I didn’t move. No way. No way! I didn’t sign up for this. I just wanted to come clean so my conscience would leave me alone. Maybe he’ll go away if I squeeze my eyes shut! “Samsara!” He is not going to leave. The realization hit me and then I grew petrified. I had no choice. I was out of options. I had to go to him.

I walked down the hall slowly and he watched me. He was standing there, not moving and watching me walk slowly. As soon as I got to him, I looked up at him. For maybe 4 seconds he looked down at me and then he hugged me.

It’s been one of my best memories ever. I lied. He hugged me.

#6. I was so drunk I thought the stuff on the bathroom floor was Coke Slurpee.  

Uh. Yeah. No, I didn’t drink it. Who drinks stuff from the bathroom floor? Anyway…I think it was the culmination of the events that I remember most. Naturally, it involved my being drunk. Here’s what happened…

My sister and I had been out to a party the night before the “coke slushee” incident. I wanted to stay and continue my drink on. Kshama did not. She wanted to go home. She implored me to come on. [We were sharing the car our Mom gave us.] I told her to go on and I’d get a ride. Long drunken Jerry Springer story made shorter, I wanted to fight. She kicked my drunken ass. I felt no pain so I kept trying to bring her back down. In the end, she got in the car and left.

I drank some more and got a ride home. When I got home, Mom and sis were gone. An hour or so later they got home. Turned out they went to go find me. My face looks like I’ve just had my behind kicked and Mom is telling me how Kshama’s hair is still coming out. [Am I seriously supposed to have sympathy for this? My boyfriend had started calling her Tyson as a result of the marks she put on my face!]

Feeling like dog-shit, once again, a feeling not unfamiliar in my drunken life, I decided to end it. I swallowed a lot of pills, attempted a suicide note but couldn’t decide on one that didn’t sound pathetic, got scared I actually would die and called 9-1-1. Got scared they’d send an ambulance and wake my family up, I hung up on them. They called back. “Shit!” I answered and whispered, “Hello?” But not before my 2nd step-dad answered at the same time. Then I hung up. My Mom came in the bedroom and told me to quit playing with the phone.

“I should die. Then she’d feel bad about telling me not to play with the phone!” Next thing I know…

When my Mom woke me up from a drunken stupor and asked me what that stuff was on the bathroom floor was the next morning, I was so drunk still that I really thought it was Coke Slushee so I told her, “Coke Slushee.” She told me, “Well get it cleaned up before I get home from work.” I passed back out.

When I woke up 8 hours or so later, I’d forgotten all about it until I had to go to the bathroom whereupon I would remember my Mom waking me up and showing me and telling me to clean it up. Because I was always the drunk one, it made sense I would have “made the mess” and therefore would have to clean it up. But my sister had problems keeping her butthole in check when she drank…so theoretically the chances are higher than average it was hers because on that particular night we’d both been out to a party. But there again, there is the theory that the reason I didn’t die that night is that by some miraculous event that did not leave my clothes soiled, or my feet for that matter…perhaps…perhaps it was my own expulsions.

I still don’t know whose it was or where it came from but two things are certain: It was not Coke Slushee [or Coke Slurpee]  and cleaning it up was seriously nasty. For the record, I still do not know why I said, “Coke Slushee” or “Coke Slurpee” because to this day I have NEVER EVER had such a thing.

#7. I vomited beside myself in front of the entire line.

I was escorted outside from the underage club I hung out at because the rule was no drinking. They did not sell alcohol and if they thought you were drunk they would escort you outside and usually kick you out altogether. But I was a regular so I was “invited” to get some fresh air for a while.

It seemed like a good idea with my mini-skirt on to just go ahead and sit on the sidewalk up against the building. The line was maybe 15 people out and it did not occur to me to be embarrassed as I thought it might be a good idea to lay down on the sidewalk and have a little nap.

When I woke up from my little nap, the line had gotten much longer and so I thought it best if I tried to look like I knew what I was doing as I was sitting on the concrete up against the building. So there I am sitting up against the building and smiling up at the people who were looking at me and trying to look as sophisticated and together as I could look when…oh no…here it comes… I turned my head and yakked all beside the right side of myself onto the concrete.

I felt so much better. Like I said, it did not occur to me to feel embarrassed.

Since I have managed to turn a would-have-been-really-boring “7 Things About Me” hopefully into something more interesting and maybe even helpful, I am not so mad at Theresa anymore. :) I dislike memes because I am so ordinary as a person that I would really hate to bore my readers. But as long as it can inspire me to maybe help in some way I am all for that! So with that said, here’s the universal message of these 7 things about me…kids have alcoholism too.

Kids have Alcoholism too 

But if you do think you may have a drinking problem, you are not alone - even if you’re a kid. You don’t have to be 30, 40, or 50 to be an alcoholic. You can be 13 - like I was. You can be full on into fatal alcoholic progression by 14 - like I was. You are not alone. There is help available. You are never too young to be an alcoholic.

Do you know that there is an entire movement of young people in the alcoholic recovery community? Yep. Young people. Whether 15, 20, 25 or even 30…it’s a part of Alcoholics Anonymous especially congregated so young people can not feel alone; so young people can get and stay sober. [Young People and A.A.]

If you’re a kid, a minor, or a young person who thinks she may have a drinking problem, or you think you may know a young person who has a drinking problem, I have some resources at this site that may be able to help you figure out what to do as well as the following suggested websites, books, or articles:

• Alcoholics Anonymous Website
• Find an A.A. Meeting @ the AA website
• Read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous Online
• Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
• Alcohol Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• Alcoholic Recovery Articles at Living Within Samsara
• Help an Alcoholic Stop Drinking Article
• Stop Drinking without Alcoholics Anonymous Article

For Family and Friends…

• Al-Anon and Alateen Family Services Website
• Al-Anon Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• Codependent Articles at Living within Samsara
• Recovery Articles at Living within Samsara
• Codependent Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• Help an Alcoholic Stop Drinking Article 

Since I’ve been sober, things like this don’t happen anymore. 

Thanks for reading & take care of yourself.

Tags: alcoholic behavior, alcoholic kid, 7 things meme, alcoholism, rehab, coke slurpee, alcohol, coke slushee, stole moms car, opened can of beer, drunk and alcoholic episodes, kid, vomit, throwing up, shoplifting, stealing beer, driving drunk, drunk driving, young alcoholic, drinking too much, beer, liquor, addicted to alcohol

What people think of me is none of my business. That either sounds like a truly noble statement made by a really emotionally healthy person or else it’s a prevaricating statement made by someone who wants you to think they are an emotionally healthy person. I want to show, in tandem with episodes from my real life, how this philosophy gets reconciled with truth, peace, spiritual growth, and integrity. And furthermore, how anyone can achieve this impeccable ideal.

Maybe you’ve noticed that I have filed this article under many Living Within Samsara topics: Alcoholic Recovery, Codependency, Dharma Journal, the Four Agreements, Highly Sensitive People, Karma, Manifesting, Metaphysical, Philosophy, Spiritual Growth, and Words can Harm. I have done this because in all of these topics, I can think of ways that attempting to make - or even knowing for certain - what someone thinks of me as my business, can hurt me. I want to have a good, happy, wholesome, productive, and spiritually fulfilling and sober life. I want to be free from the constraints other people place on me. I want to do my best and live with impeccable speech without taking things personally or making assumptions.

One caveat. Some people want to make it their business. There do exist people who believe that what I think about them is their business. I know for a fact they exist because it turns out I know some of these types. They exist from the low self-esteemer who thinks of herself as a burden on the world, to the egomaniac who considers everyone else the burden. Here’s how both types might supposedly crawl into the minds of others.

• Pride in Reverse: I know that they all think I’m stupid. I have no business going to that party. I know that woman hates me and is inviting me just to make fun of me once I’m there. One time she said, “What a nice dress.” But I SAW her roll her eyes! So what I had to get it from the Salvation Army. She thinks I’m a loser.
• Excessive Pride: I know they are all envious of my job position. After all I am still so young and good looking they probably think I slept my way to the top. They want me at this party just to network with me so I’ll put in a good word for them. God these people are piranhas. Have they no shame?

Still, others exist who want to make it their business what you think of them so they can “correct” the perception.  A person’s thoughts are their thoughts. They are entitled to them. Whether the thought is generous toward you or the thought is a miserly one, every person on this planet has the divine right to her own thoughts - and feelings for that matter -  without intrusion and without exception. If you disagree and can’t rest unless you know everything going through someone’s mind about you, but yet you desire happiness, peace, and an integrity based life, I think you may just need to practice harder, the following strategies.

Most people, though, inadvertently get sucked in to what people think or feel about them and this is to whom this article is primarily directed. 

Guidelines for Avoiding Thoughts not your Business  

First of all, don’t ask! Has someone ever asked you, “Do you think I’m an idiot?” Do you think they really wanted to know, at that point in time what you thought about them?

Has someone ever asked you, “What do your parents think about me?” If your parents did not think too highly of the person asking, did that make you feel quite awkward? Did you feel like you were between a rock and a hard place? Well, the person was essentially asking you to divulge information that was not your business to divulge; aka Gossip.

In the future, if you feel compelled to ask someone what someone else thinks about you, a nice way to practice learning not to care what people think, would be to avoid learning what they think. Everyone will have an opinion of you that will not be quite up your alley; Therefore how is it beneficial for you to have this information? So that you can change your behavior? If this sounds reasonable to you, please run, do not walk, to the Codependency section. Browse the codependent recovery books. Please begin healing yourself. If you still need help, please use the *Contact* link and email me with “Codependent Recovery” as the subject.

Secondly, Don’t Look. Even if I feel like I need to. What is it about me that makes me want to look into the eyes of someone I either know dislikes me or who I think dislikes me? [Is it just an HSP thing or do you normal people do it too? Does anyone “normal” even read these articles?] I do quite a lot of ‘public’ speaking and I hate it! So what I do is, when I am feeling particularly insecure is avoid eye contact with members of the audience. I do this with much intention because invariably, when I am feeling insecure and make the mistake of making eye contact I will *read the person’s mind* and then, knowing that they hate me, I will start to stutter.

To not look also means to not go looking for trouble. This means that if I have a feeling someone is going to talk to someone about me, I don’t need to go *looking* and *poking* around trying to find out what’s going on. It’s just not my business! And be careful of what you go looking for, you may just find it.

I learned this one a long time ago based on a friend I had who could not, to save his life, allow anyone a private conversation. After the conversation he would ask, “Were you guys talking about me? What did so and so say? Does he think I’m being ______?” A certain amount of this could be curiosity but it passes a point and lands in obsession and controlling land which is a characteristic of codependency. Once again. Even if we had been talking about him, it was still none of his business.

Why was it none of his business if you were talking about him? Because they’re my words; my thoughts; my opinions; my statements that I have released into the universe. Who I choose to send them to concerns only me and the person to whom I am sending them. I did not send them to the subject of the conversation therefore they do not concern him. In 500 million years the words I spoke to a third party about my friend will NEVER affect him. [Now. If the person to whom I speak these words does something with them or I decide to do something else with them, it could affect him. But alone, those words in those moments will never affect him and they are my thoughts, opinions, words, and statements. This is why it’s not his business.]

Thirdly, Hear no Evil. That’s right. See the pattern? Don’t speak by asking, soliciting, or inquiring and don’t go looking, snooping or eavesdropping for the pain. And now, don’t hear the pain. So when someone approaches you and begins with, “Oh my God, you won’t believe what so and so said about you!” My stand by to all sentences of this flavor is, “I don’t need to know. It is not my business.” Mouth drops agape style. “But…” Right. Your friend is not only spreading gossip [about you that is not your business] but if you continue on listening, you’ll be contributing to it. How so? Well now it’s time for one of my true life stories!

Two weeks ago I got an email from a familiar acquaintance. Since the Subject read: “Lottery Tickets” I thought it was some forwarded joke because he is a “forwarder”. For three days I ignored it; Didn’t open it. Then I saw him one night but was unable to speak with him. Feeling badly about that, I came home, opened his email with the intention of quickly hitting the reply button to tell him it was good to see him.

If you are familiar with The Four Agreements, can you see from the following real life example why these agreements are not only beneficial but practical as well? So I opened the email and, quickly skimming and noticing certain words and phrases, was floored to see a five paragraph email from this person I barely know asking basically why had I asked the clerk of some store his lottery purchasing habits? Then he goes on to explain why he purchased so many lottery tickets. Yeah. I felt like I’d left my body and entered some weird strange and unfamiliar place.

It turns out that my acquaintance’s name had been brought up by a third party to a clerk in a store. The clerk, after being questioned about my acquaintances gambling habits, made sure to convey this to her co-worker. Original clerk and now co-worker pounced upon my acquaintance upon his next entrance into said store and conveyed with much satisfaction and vigor, the scandal that he apparently was! 

My acquaintance, therefore, having not much truth to go on - as is the nature of gossip - felt violated and betrayed. And in his being human, made not only an assumption that turned out to be inaccurate, but conveyed the assumption as truth to the person none of this had anything to do with - me. He erroneously assumed it was I and therefore brought me into this drama I had nothing to do with.  

When we give people air time to gossip, we then lose much of our personal power. Haven’t you ever been trapped into listening to gossip only to have it come back in such a way like, “Amy said she told you that I said you were a cow and that you said I was ridiculous. I want to know, DID you say I was ridiculous?” The truth could be more like I said that her *calling* me a cow was ridiculous but Amy is a crazy-maker; a chaos junkie; a provocateur of drama, and Amy will take anything and twist it. Therefore. I don’t listen to gossip if I catch myself in the middle of it.

#4 Practice the Above. One serious aspect of my freedom comprises being released from the opinions of other people but it took practice.

• (1) First I quit asking.
• (2) Then I quit looking.
• (3) And then I quit listening.

With these small three tweaks, it seemed the rest came easily. Now, knowing I would not DIE if I didn’t know someone’s opinion of me - even if I wanted to know it -  it was as if invisible shackles began melting away. It’s amazing how my perceptions shifted! And metaphysically speaking, when my perceptions are amenable to myself, I am more likely to be in a state to manifest greatness! All of a sudden…Being transformed from a low self-esteemer who was chronically - and to my own detriment - worried about what others thought of me, to sitting in a room full of people saying, “On any average day, I do not care what anyone thinks of me.” And this is true. But what about on those days I do feel insecure; Less than up to par?

On these days I surround myself with people who I know think lovingly of me. On these days I spend time with people who have compassion and who are on similar paths. On these days, I do not venture out into the world in order to tackle some stupid gossip-mongering. On these days, I need the positive energy of someone who believes as I do and not those people who still feel comfortable living in the world where gossip and talking about other people is the mainstay of their existence.

#5 Align Myself with Myself. One reason I was so caught up with others opinions and perceptions of me is because I hadn’t yet discovered my own spirit; my own spiritual truth; my own voice; my own path. So, with compassion, I can see how some people are still caught up.

But this does not mean I let them reel me in. I come first; I am the most important person and I have to take care of myself because no one is going to do it for me! I am not going to let someone “just tell me one quick thing” because they have not recovered from dis-eased thinking if I feel that that “one quick thing” may hurt me.

Unlike some other people I imagine, I know I am capable of being hurt by words. I am very sensitive to unseen energy, paranormal or metaphysical happenings as well as sensitive to words. So if I already “feel” a negative energy from you, trust and know that I [as well as other Highly Sensitive People / HSP’s or psychics or energy readers or whatever] already know how you feel about me. I really do not need for your words to try to send me any “subtle” message.

What if people make it my business what they think about me?

Sometimes all of our great efforts in keeping away from things not our business - and particularly those thoughts that others have of us -  fail. Sometimes, in real life [unlike on the internet], arguments ensue and sarcasm, name-calling, or other harsh words prevail. Still, other times, Kings and Queens of confrontation - in my experience, often people addicted to prescribed drugs and/or control freaks - will address you and try to “correct” you. Or, like I did (above), you may find yourself in the middle of an assumption - or gossip - that someone wants to confront you with as truth. No matter which category “your person” or “your situation” falls in, there is a solution.

#1 Walk away and say nothing. [Before they start, during, or even after they have finished, it’s never too late. As soon as you remember that you have the option to walk away, you have given yourself option to not be held captive.] You can respond with your feet doing the voting. You might kick yourself later for saying nothing and this will be one of the classic times you’ll massage in your head: “I wish I would have said _____!” But take heart. In walking away you really have accomplished some creative and worthy things.

1. The other person is left to reflect, all by herself, on what she did or said. [No need for her to necessarily reflect on what she thinks because, as I’ve already stated, we’re all entitled to our thoughts or feelings; However, if my feelings or thoughts continue to hurt me I would want to change them but that’s a different topic for a different day.] Because you gave her/him no ammunition, her ego can’t then justify why it was, therefore, okay for her to address you in the way she did in the first place.
2. You would not have said anything you may regret later. Every single person in this world is capable of a gut reaction in the midst of feeling attacked. Some people are inclined to speak these gut reactions or inclined to defend themselves. But why? In defending yourself or giving a response you’ve just told the person doing the “attacking” that their unsolicited opinion was acceptable to you. In walking away, therefore, you have given yourself permission to think things through if you need to, without being forced to make some statements you may really not want to make.
3. You’ve just set a boundary or at least a precedent. By walking away, you have just shown someone that you will not waste the precious moments of your life engaged in “their opinion of you.”

#2 If you feel yourself unable to walk away for whatever reason, respond with “okay” or some other benign phrase while staying neutral looking and neutral sounding. This one really works. I suggest this method when dealing with the sickest of the lot and when walking away doesn’t seem to be the best option. Either due to fear, safety, physical restraint [you’re in a car] or when it may not be in your best interest to walk away such as dealing with your supervisor, you can still passively assert yourself.

A really emotionally and mentally disturbed woman took time out of her life to, unsolicitedly and without provocation, tell me all the things I did wrong in a meeting. She had a reputation for being a controlling woman as the tears of other women after being spoken to by her would testify. She also had a pill problem as her different arrests would appear on the internet and in the paper. I looked at her right in the eyes as she spoke and kept a neutral face and stance. [I did not nod or say, “Uh huh.” I did not give her verbal affirmations to continue.] The more she spoke, the longer I kept eye contact. The longer I kept eye contact, the more uncomfortable she became. When it was wrapping up she began back-peddling. She walked away after offering some weak excuse for sharing her thoughts with me. Within two hours that sick twist of a controlling bitch had called my house and apologized into my answering machine.

By saying, “Okay” to this woman when she finished, I gave her implicit permission to leave; to finish; to stop. But by not giving her verbal clues to continue, I let her know I was not welcoming what she was saying. This is unique because we’re taught as a people to chronically be polite even in the face of our own detriment. Well. Politeness kept me drunk, emotionally dis-eased and self-loathing. But because I could not walk away [ I had responsibilities that prohibited my leaving ] I still took the position of putting up an invisible shield, which not only rendered essentially the same effects as the first suggestion, but also included the added benefit of facing, head on, my “zen master.”

1. The other person is left to reflect, all by herself, on what she did or said. Because you did not give their ego ammunition, when they finally walk away or hush up or finish, at most they will have a mirror. If they have any sort of wellness or kernel of conscience about themselves, they will at least half-heartedly view this mirror and may perhaps learn from it. [If they don’t, they are probably either sociopathic, narcissistic, on psychotropics or they were drunk and simply don’t remember.]
2. You would not have said anything you may regret later. By not defending yourself or attacking the person back or engaging them or even “politely” agreeing with what they think of you, you have no need to regret selling yourself out. Remember. No matter what a person’s opinion of you to you is, your truth - or lack of - is no one’s business unless you choose to involve someone [friends, counselors, advisers, etc.]
3. You’ve just set a boundary or at least a precedent. By acting neutral, facially dissembling, short words, no conversational tone, not walking away but facing them, you are giving off clear clues you do not welcome their unsolicited opinion.
4. No need to regret “running away” because you went face to face with it. And yet some people are on such a path that they need to face their fears and go face to face with these confrontational sorts and hence, why going toe to toe for some people is the best option.

If you have great fear about going toe to toe with a person like this, and you seek to continue enlarging spiritually and evolving emotionally then inevitably you will need to “not walk away” at some point. And hopefully these suggestions will prove valuable when this day happens.

#3 If you have softer boundaries with the person engaging you and/or are acquaintances to friends, just sometimes making a statement or even having a conversation might be helpful. Now, if it’s a friend who is addressing us, we may not want to be so cold as to walk away or to give them the *stink eye* so this is probably the most challenging: We’re going to have to enforce our beliefs and maintain our integrity with a friend! [Eeek? Oh yes. Eeek. After all. Quite easy to “stink eye” someone who we perceive as *trying* to be mean right?]

Boundaries. We all have boundaries whether we know it or not. Even if we don’t know what they really are offhand. Even if some of us lack the courage to enforce them, we still have them. Note the following circumstances and how you would FEEL were they to happen to you. Just take a moment and even if you cannot identify the feeling precisely, can you gauge whether it feels good, feels okay, or feels bad?

1. A person you do not know stands 3 inches behind you in line.
2. You and your mother touch elbows as you’re standing in line.
3. Your best friend wants to hug you after not seeing you for 6 months.
4. A man you have never seen asks if he can see your belly button.
5. Your professor tells you, you can do better with your writing.
6. Your pen pal critiques your sentence structure.
7. Your weight loss buddy criticizes your diet progress.
8. Your spouse criticizes your diet progress.
9. Your string bean sister criticizes your diet progress.
10. At a reunion, a former classmate tells you you have gained weight.

Boundaries are a healthy and natural part of our existence in this world and they are supposed to vary according to our relationships. It’s been my experience that people suffering from the most dis-ease often either lack the courage to define their boundaries - usually because they are surrounded by control freaks who feel entitled to have every single piece of them and they have never learned better - or else they do not think they are entitled to boundaries. I am giving you permission to begin establishing boundaries right now. God allows U-Turns and this means that starting with the end of this sentence you can make a decision to begin acknowledging that you have either a right to boundaries and you have the right AND responsibility to enforce them.

We owe it to our valued relationship to set our limits. So when people we have softer boundaries with don’t know that we don’t appreciate gossip, for example, we either share it with them or we grow resentful and angry in the relationship as it continues, or we begin the process [sabatoge] of ending or ”running away” from the relationship.

This was how I operated. If a friend began crossing boundaries, I started plans of sabatoge because I lacked tools in knowing how to take care of myself within the context of my friendships. Pretty soon it got to be that I preferred to be alone because I lacked courage and people seemed to lack the ability to read my mind or lacked knowing enough about me to *not* engage in violations of my integrity. 

After years of staying drunk or reaching for alcohol, anorexia, self-mutilation or whatever method I could find in order to deal with the feelings of violations - again, because I lacked courage and tools at the same time - I reached my bottom when I feared going out into the world at all. So when I began my process of sobering up I quickly had to first contend with my fear of people because they certainly were not going to disappear and “leave me alone until I got better” were they?

The book I first read, When I say No I Feel Guilty, is what began my process of setting boundaries. I recommend it to you, as a friend recommended it for me, if you have deeply rooted and similar issues. The second book was Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. I highly suggest these two books. Enough about me. Let’s get back to some examples of statements you could say [and that I have used] to friends who want to come at me with gossip or their thoughts that I do not want to be my business.

Make Boundaries on your Acquaintances or Friends 

Just because we have softer boundaries with our friends does not mean we have no boundaries with our friends. Here are some ideas and exact phrasings on how to address aquaintances or close friends who feel as if they need to share with you their thoughts, their opinions or knowledge, or gossip about you that you would prefer they keep to themselves…

1. “Your opinion about me is none of my business.”
2. “I don’t appreciate hearing gossip about myself.”
3. “I don’t allow my female friends to address me as ‘Hey bitch!’”
4. “Please do not share gossip with me. It makes me uncomfortable.”
5. “Do you think that was impeccable telling me that my ass looks skinny? I don’t.”
6. “I would say, ‘Thank you for your unsolicited opinion’ but I didn’t want it.”
7. “I value our relationship. This is why I need to tell you that I don’t like _____.”
8. “Someone told you something about me? It’s not my business.”
9. “If Sarah had wanted me to know I was a cheap slut, she would have told me. As it is, I would like it if, in the future, you refrain from sharing gossip with me.”
10. For other situational responses please see “Words can Harm. Words can Heal.” series.

Hurt Feelings 

Of course we will have our feelings hurt when people share with us negative or less than honoring sentiments, ideas, gossip, rumors, labels, or opinions! This is completely normal and natural! Do NOT fall for the veracity of the “Sticks and Stones” nursery lie if you’re like me and are sensitive to verbal misconduct. But once the horse has let the gate the only thing to do is to draw a boundary with your friend for later observation. 

If you need to talk about your hurt feelings, discuss your feelings with an understanding friend; a friend who is your advocate; a friend who will understand and empathize and sympathize with you. Then put it in perspective and abide Agreement #2 by Not Taking Anything Personally. How to do that? Well, read ”Release from Opinions” that goes in-depth, buy The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book and it will go in-depth, or you can absorb the next paragraph.

No matter what anyone says to us or about us, they are coming from their own mitote; their own reality or version of the world. No matter what it is. If someone want to let me know they think I am irresponsible, that’s coming from their idea of responsibility. If someone tells me I am beautiful, even that is coming from their perception of beauty. But we seem to want to take the positive views and hold them close don’t we? It’s the negative ones we want to discard and now you can! Once you realize that what I say about you actually has not one thing to do with you, but has everything to do with me and MY view of the world, you will be free. Go in depth on how to not have feelings hurt with the article, “Release from the Opinions of Other People.”

Conclusion

And that is the crux of the matter as to why it’s not my business what a person thinks about me. Because once I understand that their opinions, viewpoints, thoughts, and words are simply a manifestation of their perception of this world, then I will understand they have nothing to do with me. Therefore, why do I need to risk having hurt feelings or insecurities exploited by allowing someone to hold me hostage so they can tell me what they think about me? 

I’ve always felt that a person who gossips about someone reveals more about themselves than they could ever reveal about the person they are gossiping about. Maybe this is why I have never jumped on the gossip wagon; You know those people who sit around ooh-ing and aah-ing and believing wholesale what anyone is saying? I have never been one and have quite frankly never understood the mindset.

Hopefully now, though, you maybe understand a little more why it is you feel uncomfortable when someone decides they want to share with you their less than flattering and less than loving thoughts about you; or share with you someone else’s thoughts about you.

It is because it’s just not your business. It has nothing to do with you. But if you are of the mind that it is your business then I would suggest you have control issues because think about this: If what everyone says about you - if everytime your name is invoked - it is your business then not only is your entire life going to be spent keeping up with what people say and think about you, but then, by extension, you have just given everybody else the right to follow up on you with what you say, gossip, and think about them. What a life of drama, chaos and non-peace that would be!

So if you’re seeking peace, drama-free healthy relationships, the sunlight of the spirit and a life guided by integrity I would suggest working on not letting people bring less than honorable situations into your world. If they accidentally do enter, however, because we cannot control peoples’ tongues, [no more than anyone can control ours] I would then suggest working on learning how to take care of yourself when these things happen. It was not easy for me to practice and I can still run into a snag today. But the freedom I have gained in just knowing that no, I do not have to listen to you tell me what someone said about me. Yes, I can walk away. Yes, I can stand right there and make eye contact without saying a word. The main idea is that I have choices; you have choices.

I am no longer a victim of anyone’s words, thoughts, or opinions of me. Crazy-makers, chaos junkies, provocateurs of drama, and gossip-mongerers no longer have power over my life. You don’t have to be a victim, either. Resources are available right here and you just have to be mindful and practice. Because if I can heal, anyone can. So next time, just remember: “I don’t want to know what you think about me. It’s just not my business.”

Until next time, friends. Namaste.

Tags: what people think of me is none of my business, codependency, codependent, recovery, four agreements, be impeccable with your word, dont take anything personally, gossip, rumors, words, communication, healthy communication, codependent recovery, alcoholic recovery, spiritual growth, recovery, hsp, highly sensitive people

The Secret is not New
Just to some in the recent years of 2K

I am also not the only person to openly notice and comment on the strange way The Secret has taken off, when spiritualists and theosophists long before have known the power of our thinking.

Are you a theosophist? Theosophy is a doctrine of religious philosophy and metaphysics. See the wikipedia article on theosophy. 

Not that I need proof or okey-dokeying but since I’d been working on this article for a while and in the interim ran across the lovely and intelligent Allison from Ask Allison, I understand what synchronicity is - another metaphysical “god wink” - and felt obliged to plug her article here from “The Real Secrets of the Secret“…

Most of you have heard about The Secret. Haven’t you? You know. That slickly produced and marketed, ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’/History Channel looking, prosperity promising book and DVD that was all the rage a year or two ago?

Don’t get me wrong. While I sound a little disdainful, it’s only because I’m jealous that Rhonda Byrne made a bazillion dollars re-packaging a concept that can be found in no fewer than 257 (I made that number up) self-help books and seminars. It’s the Law of Attraction which says that you attract to yourself people, situations and experiences that match how you think and what you think about.

Allison claims she’s jealous. I think she’s tongue in cheek about it. Because Allison strikes me as an intelligent and happy woman. Happy people typically don’t “do” jealous. But all that aside, Allison knows that The Secret wasn’t the first. And all that is important on a level in this context I am about to go into.

Law of Attraction
Cycle and Patterns of Time

Like everything else I have noticed in this world, change is cyclic. Right now we’re in the flow of the Law of Attraction but it’s not the first time. So, if these commercial “programs” or books don’t seem to be doing it for you, take heart. I think I can help!

I think this is important for me to continually reiterate so that for those folks [like me] to whom The Secret does not necessarily reverberate, we do have other resources. And, dare I say it? More authentic and less “commercial” resources?

I have read The Secret but it was not necessary. It’s also not necessary to spend hundreds of dollars on courses teaching you how to manifest episodes or changes into your life. I know this because as a friend recently wrote, The Law of Attraction works whether you know it’s a law or not! From a friend’s article, Law of Attraction in Action…

A friend of mine had the Law of Attraction work for her—and she didn’t even know about it as a subject. That just goes to show that laws are laws. The law of gravity works whether we know about it as a law or not. 

I just loved how he phrased it because I have said this very same thing countless times to friends who were disbelievers, using gravity as the same example! This could be construed - metaphysically speaking - as synchronicity. Synchronicity is another “god wink” or “hint” that we’re on the correct path of a certain way of thinking.

And the Law of Attraction or metaphysical manifestation is a truth; it is natural. We have all done it, whether we realize it or not. Realization of truth does not mean, therefore, it exists. It existed before realization. And this is even a metaphysical concept: What exists in the spiritual [for lack of a better term] realm, we call forth and manifest into the physical.

So. Inadvertent manifestations aside; Imagine realization coupled with intention and attention! Can you imagine the power over your life then?

Jesus was a Metaphysical Master
Gnosticism from Gnosis [Knowledge] or the ”Secret Teachings of Jesus”

Think back to the Bible. Ask and Ye Shall Receive was a phrasing we understand as coming from the Bible  - which is still a very popular book and has been for several centuries now!

I just believe we need to begin looking at Jesus as the metaphysical master that he was rather than the weird labels ecclesiasticism has attached to him. And this is where learning about Gnosticism comes in.

But if you’re like me and do not want to pull out your Bible or your gnostic texts and dissect everything Jesus said with this new spiritual key as your new tool of understanding, Emmet Fox can help with that with his book, Sermon on the Mount!

The Spiritual Key of understanding is that new metaphysical approach we need to have in order to understand the teachings of Jesus as metaphysical concepts rather than various church’s implications of him. Ecclesiastical undertakings have bastardized the true Jesus in my educated opinion and I say this with no disrespect intended for people who are churchgoers. I say this with my anger well-placed into history. BUT. Blaming history and various sects and churches do no good does it? Therefore, I beg upon every person to do as the Bible suggested and to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. 

I believe the only difference between a gnostic and an ecclesiastical follower is that the gnostic undertaker utilizes the spiritual key of understanding which, on its merit, is metaphysical in nature. Hence, why the finding and discovery of the lost gnostic gospels is such a revelatory discovery! It goes to proving that Emmet Fox, as well as ancient religions and other spiritual advisors, seekers and scholars had it right all along regarding the mystic - not hellfire and brimstone - Christ! 

Sermon on the Mount has the Secret
It’s not the only one either, but it’s been my personal handbook!

Emmet Fox takes Jesus’ “Sermon on the Mount” that is characterized in the gospels of the Bible, and brings the sermon to life with, something Mr. Fox calls, the spiritual key. 

He claims that ecclesiastical christianity has failed to utilize the spiritual key when discussing Jesus’ good works, lessons, and teachings; most notably his “Sermon of the Mount”.

I have discussed this elsewhere under the categories of manifesting, spiritual growth, or metaphysical but I’ll bring up a few key points for the uninitiated so as not to leave a first time reader confused. :) But please keep in mind that these are just going to be a couple of examples. In Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox goes through the Sermon piece by piece, extrapolating the metaphysical or spiritual concepts in each.

Examples of Using the Spiritual Key
Refer to the actual Bible based Sermon on the Mount

1. Matthew 7:1 - “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 7:2. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” [Spiritual Key Interpretation: Forget the entire heaven/hell business. This phrase means karma. To the extent that we judge others will we have the same judgement bestowed upon ourselves. This is the law of attraction at work here. How we manifest our misery. Therefore, Jesus wisely says, “So don’t do it unless you want to fall under the same barometer.” How many people do you know who have turned into the very thing they judged mercilessly? I certainly know many!]
2. Matthew 7:7 - “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 7:8. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. ” [Spiritual Key Interpretation: This is where Emmet Fox, for example, would combine the science and art of prayer for manifesting through our life problems. We simply ask for resolution. But, yes, the tricky part of the rules is why I call it “practicing metaphysical manifestations” or “practicing the Law of Attraction.” Since we are still human we must practice and E. Fox gives clear instructions on how to ask. Yes it works. EVERY time I have practiced it has come to pass. EVERY time.]

To begin with, how about trying on for size, the four easy lessons to manifesting, “Manifesting into Physical Existence” I wrote about? Or even better yet? Have a gander at Sermon on the Mount and consider investing in the small bit of money for the book. If you want to enlarge and enrich your spiritual outlook on life, this is the book to do it. Emmet Fox never says, “This is the Secret” but he makes liberal use of the terms “metaphysical” and “scientific christianity” feeling that manifesting is a balance of art and science. [Of which I believe also.]

Conclusion

I have been having some lessons in life I have had to deal with lately which just means I am very much behind on my writing and my moving servers and other issues I won’t bore you with. This article is all over the place. Please forgive it. Please try to extract the principles and points I am trying to share with you by using your own evolved version of the “Spiritual Key.” That “The Secret” is not the only way to salvation. And that even commercial interests of “The Law of Attraction” can even be damaging.

Damaging because everyone should have access to this information since it is a truth. It is not a *get rich quick scheme* and I could even argue how trying to use it for such would be no good and could, in fact, damage people. But let’s say you spent $1,000 on a course. Then it does not work for you. Then you have anger and resentment. Then you are no longer are open to the *truthful interpretations.* [Thereby rendering Lesson #2  - which is imperative to manifesting - null and void!] Or let’s say you don’t have the money but bought “The Secret” and again it does not work for you. You, again, think it must be a hoax or that you’re too stupid to get it, or that it might work for some people but not you because you’ve always had lousy luck. So, again, you lose faith in the principles when all it would have taken was a gentle hand, perhaps a different explanation for you, and some practice.

Nevertheless, marketers are flocking about to sell you packages and videos and other books and lessons and courses all for some kind of money when it’s really just a matter of getting back in touch with who you were to begin with, in my humble opinion. That was how it was for me anyway! Maybe a few books to remind you of your natural born truths…or even just a few inspirational and faith-filled readings. [See related articles below.]

Until next time,
Samsara 

Tags: manifesting, manifest, the secret, metaphysical, manifesting a house, spirituality, karma, law of attraction, how to manifest, the secret, metaphysical spirituality, metaphysics, mystic christ, the kingdom of god is within you, the kingdom of heaven is within you, Gnostic Christianity, Gnosticism, metaphysical christianity, empathic, intuitive, synchronicity, Jesus as Mystic, Sermon on the Mount, Course in Miracles, spiritual growth, metaphysical manifesting, manifesting lessons, lessons to manifest

Alcoholics Anonymous is where judges or intervention programs conditionally send some people in order to avoid jail or other unpleasant penalty when the alleged crime involves alcohol or drugs. Alcoholics Anonymous is also where hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people have learned to stay sober from alcohol for either a significant period of time, substantial periods of time, or for forever. “Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other and help others to recover from alcoholism.”

And because I am an A.A. member and practice the 12 steps daily and particularly the 12th step [12th Step - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.] on a daily basis in some fashion - or try to - I am here now to try to carry the message of recovery to people in search of it. With this message of recovery, I also hope to share some truths about A.A., recovery, or alcoholics.

So here is some experience, strength, and hope I want to share with you with regard to the following questions…

1. Is Alcoholics Anonymous the only way to get sober or stay sober?
2. Will you really die (an alcoholic death) if you choose another way to stay sober?
3. Will you die an alcoholic death if you keep drinking and don’t stop?
4. Does A.A. have a monopoly on sobriety?
5. Is A.A. religious?
6. What is an alcoholic?
7. Can’t alcoholics just stop anyway?

These are questions I am going to answer emphatically and without hesitation. However, any information you receive here will of course be up to you to use as you wish. As a matter of ethics, I have to say that these are my own opinions based on my own research, education, knowledge or experience. I am not speaking on behalf of anyone or any institution or company and I do not get paid for anything I share with you. EVER. Thanks.

#1 - Is Alcoholics Anonymous the only Way to Get Sober or Stay Sober?

No, Alcoholics Anonymous is not the only way to get or stay sober. Period. And yes it’s that simple. For some A.A. members, they will say A.A. was the only thing that worked for them. But it’s because they were at that point to want to stay stopped drinking. So they looked for a support system and tools to help them stay stopped and found them in A.A. [The Twelve Steps are a tool. A network of people who understand and who are trying to recover are a tool. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a tool. Sponsorship is a tool.]

In 2002 when I wanted to stop this last time [again], a series of synchronicities happened in my life that led me to Alcoholics Anonymous [again]. At that time I, too, believe that A.A. is what enabled me to stay stopped from January 04, 2003 til today. And even while continuing to attribute my sobriety in part to what Alcoholics Anonymous taught me, I need to share how it was I stayed stopped at an earlier time in my life without A.A.

#1A - My Experience on Getting Sober without Alcoholics Anonymous

I worked on an article recently discussing manifesting our reality and I referenced an incident in 1996 where I needed this this “miracle” more than anything I had ever needed. The miracle I needed was to quit drinking.

From my article, “Manifesting Reality“:

When I had done everything I could do. When I had tried to fix, manage, control, or even suffer enough. When I had tried every trick to manage something well and it was still a walking cumulative disaster. When I had clung, justified, re-arranged, explained When I had gone through every last resource known to humanity; From willpower to magic, from bargaining with God to the Devil, from self-knowledge to psychic mediums and collegiate academics. When I had exhausted all of it - every single last one my limited brain was capable of discovering; Only then was I finally at that place where I was left trembling and humbly before my Divine Creator whispering, “It’s up to you.”

That night I went out and ordered my usual, but for some reason I had no desire to drink it. It seemed almost as if I’d lost the taste. I drank it anyway. I ordered another one. I left half of it. This was around March of 1996.

For the next almost year and a half, I discovered myself. I was happier than I had ever been. I had regained my integrity. I was making healthy decisions. I was self-supporting. I was growing into my own and life was grand. I knew a peace I had never known and it was called heaven. Spiritually, I had never known such fulfillment and [the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about the “Fourth Dimension“] I was in the Fourth Dimension , without even necessarily having the term for it.

Everything I would later discover as being “9th Step Promises” from Alcoholics Anonymous was occurring in my life without the need of A.A. I was on my path and I was whole and complete and…

Phenomenon of Craving. Huh?

I wouldn’t have another drink until August 1997 to celebrate my birthday with friends. Because I’d had no “A.A” at this point - a couple of meetings years before excluded - I had no idea that this drink was going to prime me for another bout of hell.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous by way of Dr. Silkworth’s “Doctor’s Opinion” calls it the “phenomenon of craving.” That “thing” that makes a so-called alcoholic [I say so-called because some people dislike labels] or alcohol dependent need to drink after the first bit of alcohol is ingested.

Later in my eating disorder recovery I would understand that I am also, as well as alcohol sensitive, sugar sensitive, so that when I ingest the smallest amount of pure sugar [candy to simple carbohydrates] I lose all interest in regular food and go anorexic save for sugar at night when no one is watching. So, I don’t eat sugar either.

So it did prime me and less than five months later I was drinking daily again, whereupon I wouldn’t get to the next “surrender point” until January 2003. That’s five years!

How I quit drinking in 2003 was much the same way I’d quit in 1996: New bottoms and new lows and finally with being at the end of my rope after countless humiliation I, again, had a conversation with God. This time it wasn’t a whisper. This time it was my going out to my back porch and looking at the moon and almost screaming, “Well you’re going to have to do something now because I am done! I can’t do it!” This time I was a lot angrier than before.

#1B - Getting Sober Again with Alcoholics Anonymous

The Synchronicity: Manifesting the Release of Alcohol Abuse

About two days later, a couple happened to be walking by my house and we somehow felt inclined to chit chat; Talking about my landscaping and my flowers when it began to rain. I apologized for holding them up and could I offer them a ride somewhere? “We’re going to a meeting on such and such street.” I had remembered it from years earlier that an A.A. meeting was there when it all came to me that I was in the middle of a most Divinely synchronized event. It flashed in my mind that they were going to an A.A. meeting - just like that! So I said, “An A.A. meeting?” They said, “Yes!” I gave them a ride and I stuck around too.

So which is better? Without A.A. or With A.A.?

That’s like asking if a wool jacket is better or a windbreaker. It depends on who you are, where you are, and what you ultimately need. At the core of both processes is the “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Even Alcoholics Anonymous literature states that A.A. does not provide initial motivation. The common denominator with all people who stay stopped drinking, irrespective of how, is that they want to quit more than they want to continue feeding their addiction. They have had a moment of clarity; of sanity; and realize in one instant that this is do or die time. They are at a crossroads and this happens in a flash. So, in this window of opportunity, is when some psychic shifts can occur.

At the core of myself recovery was dependence on a Higher Power. Personally, I call this higher power God. I had always had a connection [a feeling] with this higher spirit; ever since I was about 5. [That’s one of my HSP characteristics.] So, it was not hard for me to get sober and stay that way for a period of time without anyone’s help. I was happy, peaceful, and serene. I made some life-changing decisions that were positive for me and it was all good. Again. The reason I would have a drink that would start me off for another five years again, is because I did not know of the phenomenon of craving. I did not know that alcohol triggered me. I guess that at the core I did not know I was chronically allergic to alcohol. [See #8’s “Can’t alcoholics just stop anyway” for more information on this.]

At the core of A.A. recovery is dependence on a Higher Power. The Twelve Steps are simply tools to help you effectively get past the garbage of hating yourself so you can stay in touch with the “sunlight of the spirit” the Big Book calls it. Staying in touch with God would enable you to stay away from the first drink. This is the foundation of A.A.’s message.

What I didn’t know before joining A.A. and reading the textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous referred to as the “Big Book” is that alcohol, once ingested by the former alcohol dependent, sets up a term I’ve referenced in this article as the “phenomenon of craving.” This was my folly in 1996. I didn’t know that that would happen. It’s not like I had just started desiring alcohol again and [contrary to A.A. ramblings from some members] “was on a dry drunk and then just had to have the drink!” No, I really thought that because I had “broken my past alcoholic habit” that I would be fine this time. And I wasn’t. It may have taken a few months to get back to where I was a year and half earlier but the fact that it happened tells me I am of the “alcohol dependent” variety. So, for me personally, I needed to understand this so I would internalize and get that, for me, there is no such thing as a nice friendly one drink in a blue moon. A.A. taught me that and I am grateful.

#2 Will You Die (an Alcoholic Death) if you Choose Another Way to Stay Sober?

That doesn’t even make sense does it? But being an A.A. member, I hear it all the time. I hear members shooting their mouth off, contributing to the idea that A.A. is a cult by espousing lies that are not in the Big Book or even in their own truthful experience!

This is when I get angry. I get angry when rational common sense flies right on out the window and cult-speak takes over. First of all, we’re all going to [probably] die. :) Second of all, if you are sober, how can you “die an alcoholic death”?

What they’re meaning to imply with this statement is that if you leave A.A. you will relapse and die. These morons do not tell you this based on their experience because they are alive. These morons do not tell you this based on the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous because it’s not in there. No. They are using scare tactics because they want to look like the *powerful oldtimer* who “knows everything.*

Want to know some REAL stories? I have known people who have voluntarily KILLED themselves WHILE in Alcoholics Anonymous! Yep. Died sober. Killed themselves sober! Alcoholics Anonymous egomaniacs won’t tell you that though. I have also known people who went to meetings every single day and would STILL relapse. STILL relapse on alcohol or drugs but yet they “stayed in the rooms” and pretended all was well. These folks died an “alcoholic death” but were yet “still in the rooms” as these A.A. self-appointed gurus put it.

What A.A. Nazi’s May Tell you on the Other Hand

What I really have never appreciated about Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are the jabbers who tell you that if you don’t do A.A. you’ll not get sober. They also seem to cover their asses well when they add:

“But if you do get sober then you weren’t really an alcoholic!” [or] “You’ll be on a dry drunk if you quit going to A.A. meetings!” [or] “Well they’ll either go to jail, an institution, or die.”

Well with logic like that, A.A. seems to be the Higher Power doesn’t it? And these statements here are part of the reason that dissidents call Alcoholics Anonymous a cult. [Nevermind the opposite message is in the actual Big Book.] But because A.A. does not censor its members, those people who twist the message are as free to twist it, just as people who share the authentic message. And that is that A.A. has no monopoly on sobriety. [Secular Organizations for Sobriety or SMART Recovery or Rational Recovery are three examples of abstaining programs, not 12 step related! These links will appear, again, at the bottom of the article as resources.]

Contrary to the message in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, some people in A.A. will continue to try to put forth that A.A. is the only way to get sober. I say some because I am a member and fight these misconceptions often.

But think on this for a moment: A room full of the sickest functional people in society infamous for their ego’s [the Big Book discusses at length the ego that needs deflating and the grandiosity that resides in the mind of the alcoholic] are really going to tell you that the organization they belong to may not be the alpha-omega? Well. You can truly separate the humble [recovering] people from the conceited [the ones holding on or not at all] people by asking them that one question, can’t you? :) “Is A.A. the only way I can get sober?” Check their answer. If they say, “That’s not what the Big Book says” or if they say, “Well for me it works.” or “I don’t know, my experience is only A.A.” then ask that person to be your sponsor if you’re thinking of sticking around! :)

#3 Will You Die an Alcoholic Death if you Keep Drinking and Don’t Stop?

It’s absolutely not a given. That’s another “scare tactic.” This depends on how much you drink, what you drink, what your lifestyle is and genetics and a slew of other factors. [Do you smoke, drive fast, have a lot of stress or skydive? Well, take heart then!] ;)

What, with heart disease being #1, and cancer and freak tsunamis and hurricanes and earthquakes and boats capsizing 50 miles offshore, drive-bys and bar brawls…heck. I can see many more ways to die rather than liver failure or anything else associated with daily alcohol imbibement. [PS. If you’re still or currently drinking, you know not to take acetaminophen right? Take ibuprofin for headaches or pain instead.]

But I can imagine a worse hell: NOT dying and living to 300 yrs old while drunk; which had always been my fear. I used to pray for death and it never came. I knew for a fact I would probably live well past the average age of death and drunk at that. I knew it and I felt it. I could imagine nothing worse but I knew it. I would sit there, drunk, and know for a fact I was going to die drunk.

Besides all that. Does death REALLY “scare” an alcoholic? Not this one. Life is what scared me. So if you’re currently alcohol dependent, rest assured you may have a very very very long life still ahead of you.

#4 Does Alcoholics Anonymous have a Monopoly on Sobriety?

First, let’s define monopoly so we’re clear on what that means. From the FreeDictionary, monopoly means “exclusive possession or control” or “Exclusive control by one group of the means of producing or selling a commodity or service” and in this case, sobriety.

Although the government is wrongly trying to make A.A. a monopoly by sending DUI offenders or other people to A.A. in exchange for no points or in lieu of jail time, I am glad to see the American Humanists challenging the government on this. And from the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Traditions, “Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy”. [Tradition 10] This nonsense is the government’s doing. In my opinion, a person should be able to choose whatever recovery modality he wants in lieu of jail time.

The answer to the original question is no, A.A. does not have the monoply on sobriety OR GOD or else no other ways would exist. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous even says on Page 95, last two paragraphs, within the context of speaking with someone who has a drinking problem and in trying to help…

“If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.

If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that.” [Pg. 95, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Read it online.]

I feel safe in drawing from just these two paragraphs that the A.A. Big Book is emphatically asserting here that A.A. no monopoly on sobriety and neither is interested in forcing A.A. on anyone; much less being interested in using scare tactics. “We merely have an approach that worked with us.”

#5 Is A.A. Religious?

Alcoholics Anonymous is not religious. But first we have to define religion because to some people, and particularly those antagonistic to any *God* idea, this program will be viewed as religious. From the FreeDictionary and their definition of religion:

1.a. Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe. 1.b. A personal or institutionalized system grounded in such belief and worship. 2. The life or condition of a person in a religious order. 3. A set of beliefs, values, and practices based on the teachings of a spiritual leader. 4. A cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion.

Pertaining to #1A. Step #3 in Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that we, “Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God.” [The emphasis is in the actual step.] This means that since I understand God to be natural order and following my conscience for my highest good, that is my version of God. There is nothing supernatural about that. I know plenty of A.A.’s who hold great disdain for religion - as I do. I even know plenty of atheists and agnostics in A.A. and who are successfully sober. A.A. makes no claim that our personal God be supernatural, creator of the universe or governor of the universe. What good would that do an alcoholic anyway? Seriously. If religion worked, I’d have found a church to get me sober. :)

Pertaining to #1B. Therefore, A.A. does not fit the criteria for #1B and especially with the “worship” idea. We worship nothing in A.A. [Some people worship A.A. and others do worship God, but it’s against the A.A. Traditions to bring that into meetings.] Although, I remember that as an active alcoholic, I worshipped alcohol. ;)

Pertaining to #2. Nothing here.

Pertaining to #3. We have no leaders in A.A. and in accordance with our Tradition #2: “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority– a loving God as God’s expression may be found in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.” [See the Traditions on A.A.’s website.] Seriously. There are not even “Rules” in A.A. much less leaders to tell anyone what to do.

Pertaining to #4. “A cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion.” Like when I hear people joke and say, “Alcohol used to be my religion” or “Work is my religion” or “She’s religious about her studies.” I suppose, then, in this way A.A. could be construed as a “religion” if people chose to worship A.A. [as some do]. But that’s as close to religion as A.A. gets.

#6 What is an Alcoholic?

An alcoholic is a person addicted to alcohol. An alcoholic is a person who cannot stop drinking and even against her/his own will s/he drinks. An “alcohol dependent” suffers from what the “Doctor’s Opinion” calls the phenomenon of craving, that after the first drink is imbibed, a cycle of craving is spurred which leads the alcoholic to desire and crave more alcohol. The only way this craving is quieted is to feed it. An alcoholic suffers from a body that is different than social drinkers. Read more about the mind of an alcoholic in “Help an Alcoholic to Stop Drinking.”

I have heard social drinkers say that when they have a drink and get to that “I’m starting to feel out of control point,” they dislike it and so stop drinking for the evening. An alcoholic cannot relate with that mindset. An alcoholic drinks to feel that “out of control” feeling, and usually will then continue drinking with even more fervor!

#6A - My Own Feelings as an Active Alcoholic

If you don’t know of my drinking story, I’ll briefly share it here for the sake of understanding and brevity. My complete story can be found at the above link and the below will not be a reprint so I may emphasize certain features or divulge information I had not emphasized or divulged before.

I was always an outgoing kid with my family and friends but in front of strangers I was painfully shy. We moved to another state at a critical time in my life and my parents would divorce at this time also. I started running with “cool kids” and smoking pot and drinking and skipping school at 13 years of age and that’s the 8th grade where I come from.

A Double Life at 13 to 15 years of age

I was the “nice girl.” I was the girl that parents would approve of their sons “liking’ because I was pretty to look at, subtly fashionable, wore only little make-up and quiet. This secret life of skipping, pot, and drinking was something even my parents had no idea of! Speeding this along that by the time I got to High School and in the 9th grade I was smoking pot every weekend with other *girls who looked like me.* By the 10th grade I discovered the easy access to alcohol and discovered I liked this more! To the exclusion of everything else I would drink alcohol regularly on the weekends.

I did this because it helped me to feel not so shy. I felt confident and secure. I could talk to anybody and be okay in my own skin. Alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself! There was only one problem that was happening at even 15 years of age; Once I had my first alcoholic beverage for the night, I could not stop. I noticed this straight-away and begin bribing my sister to not let me have more than 3 beers or more than 3 drinks. She was never successful and this point is important.

After three beers or drinks, for me, is when the now-known physical craving would set in. Although I would ask “whoever I appointed in charge of me” to stop me at three at whatever cost, they never could. I would become inordinately “sober-sounding” or “normal acting” or bribe them or, if all else failed, threaten violence if I was in such a mood. I did whatever it took to feed that crave.

It was becoming a serious problem because I quickly degraded into the “not so nice girl.”

Alcohol was Solving Problems and Causing Problems

I would stay out all night, meet guys, shoplift for fun, throw up on myself, threaten fights, fight, and engage in other actions that was normally the opposite of who I really was.

I degraded quickly into full dependence on alcohol. It began solving problems I did not know it could solve! It began solving not just my shy problem, but my “fear” problem. It solved my “anxieties.” It solved my “scared of responsibility” problem. It solved my “bored” problem. It solved my “Mom’s new marriage problem” and “Missing my other dad’s” problem. It solved so many problems for me and yet it was beginning to cause bigger ones. Still.

The Downward Unstoppable Spiral I Suffered

I felt like I was on a wild and crazy spiral downward and I was out of control but knew not how to stop. This is the truth. It’s not like I knew I could get off at any time and chose not to. I really knew nothing else to do but to continue on how I was going! This is part of the insanity of alcoholism. “Non-Alcoholics” stop drinking if they realize it’s causing them problems. Not alcoholics. Alcoholics continue on. Alcoholics may *try* to stop drinking if they see the problems occurring because of drinking, but without a psychic change, they will inevitably drink again, start the cycle again, and spiral downward again as if they had never stopped.

Parental Intervention - The Rehabiliation Program called “Straight”

Straight, Inc is what my parents did to me when I didn’t show up after school one day at aged 15. Straight, Inc was supposedly a rehabiliatation center for kids. I won’t get into it here because it’s not germaine to this article, but if you’d like to read the abuses that founder Mel Sembler’s Straight, Inc inflicted on me and other kids, read my Newsvine article. But the immediate point here is that my parents took me to the emergency room at the hospital after I showed up several hours later than expected with blood on me and talking out of my mind. This scared them. So when the kind doctor - in believing he was doing a good thing - told my parents about Straight, my Mom had an appointment for me the next morning.

After 3 or 4 months of in-house “Straight’s version of therapy” I escaped. I would now engage in anorexia and self-mutilation. Yay! BUT. What Straight did do, besides bestowing Post Traumatic Stress onto me, is introduce me to the 12 Steps. They also introduced to me the concept that there *was* a way to stop.

The fact my parents were so scared for me and probably so sick of my actions too that they would spend money out of pocket [it was not covered by our insurance] and rumors are insane on those figures; That alone told me they were genuinely noticing my problem.

From all of this, I hope you’re starting to see, then, the answer to #7…

#7 Can’t Alcoholics Just Stop?

No, alcoholics or the alcohol dependent cannot “just stop” [short of physical restraint naturally]. I don’t mean to argue the disease concept of alcoholism here, because although the American Medical Association does classify alcoholism as a disease, some people just don’t believe it and I can understand that. An alcoholic - once again, you can read about it in the “Doctor’s Opinion” which is in the in the A.A. Big Book - suffers from an allergic reaction to alcohol that sets off a craving once the first drink is taken.

The way to satisfy, then, the craving is to drink more.

From there, due to more and more alcohol and more and more tolerance building up, all sorts of things in the life of an alcoholic can begin to go terribly awry. OR, like some poor people, they can remain quite functional in day to day living.

If alcoholics weren’t suffering from a real malady then it seems that all the negative consequences in the world that many alcoholics go through would be sufficient reason to quit wouldn’t it? Think of these examples from the weirdities of my mind…

You’re fond of breathing. But every time you exhale, someone hits you over the head. Why don’t you just stop breathing? Because you can’t.

You LOVE to eat ______ [chocolate?]. You love it so much that when you get a Whitman’s Sampler, you can’t just eat one. You must eat until you have satisfied the sweet tooth. Now, if you’re teeth were rotting from your head and you gained a pound every time you had three pieces, could you stop? If not, you would be an addict because you would be dependent upon the _____ . [What if you always told yourself you would just have 1 today, brush your teeth and also work out for 30 minutes? But then found you could not?]

If you’re a smoker and if you’ve tried to quit, you know that if you never have that first cigarette you’d never go back to smoking right? Well. Something eventually may trigger you to smoke that one cigarette again. Then you’re back to puffin’ a pack a day in no time. Same theory for the alcohol dependent.

It’s very easy and ignorant for people to say “Just stop drinking” because they just don’t know. They are coming from the only place they know how - their own perception and experience. To them, drinking is no big deal; they could take it or leave it. For the non-alcoholic, just stopping is a good prospect once she figures out her life would be better without alcohol in it.

For me though, I had to get thoroughly and completely demoralized. I had to first try every conceivable way in order to moderate. When all methods failed and I was truly at my bottom and sick and tired of being sick and tired; That was when all would change.

 Conclusion

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped me stay sober. Often, too, I have gotten fed up with the propaganda and lies that some members espouse regarding A.A. Yes, it can be treated like a cult by some members, but so can any religion or social organization for that matter. A.A. is not a cult. A.A. is not religious. A.A. makes no demands. A.A. has no monopoly on sobriety or spirituality or God. Yes, it can help some people get sober just as it can not help some people get sober.

The main message I hope to share in this article is that whatever it takes for you to get your life back from the grips of alcoholism, every solid A.A. member would be for; and that is the message of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Whether it’s A.A.’s fellowship, the A.A. program itself (12 Steps), religion, Buddhism, a spiritual strength, Secular Sobriety, Self Management and Recovery Training (SMART) therapy, Rational Recovery, or praying to the noodly appendage of the flying spaghetti monster, as long as it suits what your internal consciousness needs in order to stay away from drinking, Alcoholics Anonymous is for it. All that and you can still be considered an A.A. member because all you need in order to be an “A.A. member” is a desire to stop drinking. That’s the only membership requirement. Meeting attendance is not mandatory or required. Reading the Big Book is not even required. In fact, even the 12 Steps are just suggestions! ALL that is required is ”a desire to stop drinking.” [Third Tradition of the Twelve Traditions.] 

And that concludes my 12th Step work at this time.

If I can help in any other way, please leave a comment at the bottom of this article.

Related articles follow the below sponsor messages. 

Alcoholics Anonymous Resources

• Alcoholics Anonymous Website
• Find an A.A. Meeting @ the AA website
• Buy Alcoholics Anonymous Literature Online - Big Book hard or Big Book soft or the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions
• A.A. or other 12 Step Related Literature at my Bookstore
• Read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous Online

Non- A.A. Resources

• Alcohol Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used/A.A. and Non A.A.]
• Secular Organizations for Sobriety : “SOS respects recovery in any form, regardless of the path by which it is achieved. It is not opposed to or in competition with any other recovery programs.” Suggested Readings on their website at my bookstore.
• SMART Website [Self Management and Recovery Training] - Non 12 Step Approach
• Rational Recovery Website - Antagonistic toward A.A. & 12 Steps
• Rational Recovery Book - Or visit the Rational Recovery section @ my bookstore. 

Tags: recovery, alcoholism, alcoholics anonymous, 12 steps, 12 step recovery, alcoholism disease, alcoholism, alcohol dependence, alcohol addiction, rational recovery, A.A., secular sobriety, self management and recovery training, big book, SOS, smart recovery, avrt, addictive voice, recovery resources, books, websites

Rick is a friend I met here online [through Entrecard] and became a friend when I saw a kindred spirit of light and honesty in his writings. His story is amazing, with his site’s byline reading, “An Addict Trying to Recover.” He doesn’t have a clue I am reviewing his site, but he will. :)

In a simple to read format with plain language, Rick shares his experiences from the past - Why he got into drugs, how he got into drugs, what kind of drugs, and with some sexual exploitation and harsh abuses thrown in for extra heartache for the reader - as well as the current goings on in his mind and world as he searches for his reconstruction through recovery. 

Whether you’re an addict or alcoholic or eating disordered or sex addict or simply a *normie,* reading Reconstructing Rick will definitely be a practice in empathy and compassion as you follow along with his words for a glimpse into his former life as well as how he is attempting a reconstruction of himself today…

From Memories of Being Sold (Clean Time: 25 days)…

I’ll never forget the day I decided to run away from home. I was 15 years old and a pretty good looking kid.  It was in chicago and I was home alone. I knew that my father would be home in a few hours. I stood looking out the window and although I was not crying, tears was rolling down my cheeks. I feared yet again being abused and the thought that in a few hours I would again suffer was simply too heavy on my heart. This time, I decided to run instead of take it once more.

From I Still Miss My Abuser (Clean Time: 23 Days)…

It was me. I am attracted to people that like weak people like me. I just hope that I can find some wonderful woman or man that is truly wonderful and not like the above that I could spend the rest of my days with. I promise what you will get is someone who will love you beyond your wildest imagination. That was not an invitation for more people to victimize me…so please don’t because I simply cannot tell the good apples from the bad.

From I am my Own Anti-Christ (Clean Time: 22 Days)…

Now let’s get something clear from the beginning, this blog is not about religion or talking about God all the time. NA is not about religion… all they ask is that you have a desire to stay clean. Not that you are not using, that you just have the desire to stop. Then at some point they want you to think that there is a power greater then you that can help you. That’s not hard actually because being jailed is a power greater than me and could help me stop. So a higher Power does not mean God to all people. For me it does but not to others so don’t get all freaky on me okay?

These are just a few snippets of his blog, but enough I hope you would want to visit and offer your support to my new friend Rick. He is in a 12 step program, as he alludes to in the recent snippet [Narcotics Anonymous] so invariably he will share some 12 step related principles and modalities. This should be no problem for those of you who don’t care for 12 step ideology because, from what I have read, Rick is simply sharing his own experience, his strength, and his hope.

I don’t review a lot of blogs because not so many fit in with what I share and write about and not very many touch me in that deep place but this one did. Rick speaks of truth to me; From one recovering person to another I understand his pain, I understand his hope.

Identification 

I may not be able to identify the depths of hell his life seemed to collide and intertwine with, because I never travelled to those depths - being an alcoholic - myself BUT. As we say in Alcoholics Anonymous, “Identify. Don’t Compare.” and this means I look for identification with those parts I do relate to, instead of looking for those items that somehow make me *better or higher or different.*

What I identify with is the slave mentality. The victimization. The being owned by the power of an external substance. I identify with having to make choices between misery or depravity and choosing depravity using a substance as the crutch…Somehow feeling vindicated that at least I was not *in misery.* But then I identify with the depravity turning into misery when the crutch of an external substance [mine was alcohol and Rick’s was cocaine & meth] was no longer working for me but instead, colluding against me.

Conclusion 

A first-hand accounting of anyone’s experiences that brought them into hell and then an escape from it, inspires me. It inspires me because I have been there. It inspires me because I continually look for the denominator that all of us “escapees” must possess in order to escape. I am intrigued because not all people escape; Some physically die in the grips of it, while others wish for death in the grips of it.

Drug addiction or alcoholism - as well as any other dis-ease, “ism,” or addiction that has a stronghold over our spirits, minds, emotions, or bodies - is often a one-way ticket to hell for many people. Yet, there is a way out that has worked for hundreds and thousands of others in the form of 12 Step Recovery.  Rick shares his story. I share mine. And in the middle of them both - there is one central idea: You, too, can recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

I’ll be following Rick’s journey. I hope you do too.

Reconstructing Rick: An Addict Trying to Recover 

Tags: drug, drug addict, reconstructing rick, addiction, addicts, cocaine, meth, alcoholism, alcoholic recovery, 12 steps, narcotics anonymous, alcoholics anonymous, on the streets, dis ease, dis-ease, disease, experience strength hope

I wore a wrinkled shirt to the hospital for a surgery I would have. I was scared but I said nothing. Because my oversized t-shirt that I would be taking off in less than the 5 minutes it would take us to get to the hospital, was wrinkled, I looked like a whore. She said so. I was self-centered. I was spoiled and selfish. Why would I choose, of all shirts, that one? Didn’t I know that I looked like a whore? And what was wrong with my hair? Why didn’t I curl it?

This was just one instance that remains in my memory. My female relative was an alcoholic and she loved me. She proved it often enough. I loved her too. But with the love I held for her, there was fear and misunderstanding. And with the love she had for me, there was the interference of alcoholism.

I thought if I could behave well, she would quit the drinking she often promised to quit.

One night, another typical night of close to being at the end of another attempt to stop, she called me a whore because I said “No thanks” to iced tea. Secretly calling my Mom to cry, my Mom tried soothing me and using phrases she had learned in recovery. The next morning, my relative apologized in the blanketed fashion she often did. Her memory never proved it could actually recall the hurtful words and actions she partook and, in my shame, I was never able to tell her. Until that morning.

That morning I finally told her. I told her of her actions the night before. I told her of how she usually behaved and the words she would typically use to characterize me. How she would get angry when I refused food or drink. How she would get angry when I was studying. How my mere existence seemed to drive her into a strange place. How I often would retire to my room once she started and didn’t she see that?

I remember that morning almost as clear as I remember the hurtful memories of her drinking. I remember her looking at me and my feeling as if she was really absorbing what I was saying. I remember her, in instances, glancing out the window as I was talking almost as if she couldn’t bear to listen anymore. Then she would look back at me and hold my eyes. During this conversation she asked questions about her behavior - but not too many. I think she did not really want to know the true ugliness and I obliged. I held back the more humiliating experiences because, at the time, I did have low self-esteem and felt there to be truth in some of the things she would say to me.

At the end of this conversation she said, in only few words, typical of her when she was embarrassed, “Well I need to stop that. ”

The next night, I’d checked her liquor supply. She had none left, I reasoned, so if she does not go to the liquor store tonight, I’ll be okay. She didn’t go to the liquor store or drink that night. Or the next night. Or the next night. or even the next night. I remember, still, as happy as I was, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I remember walking on eggshells. I remember trying to help her as much as I could around the house. I showed her my A’s. I shared with her my instructor’s opinions on my papers. I spent time with her thinking if she was not lonely, she would not drink. We never argued so I never really had to worry about “making her mad.” I remember taking the dog for rides happily, when she asked. I would go to the store for her. I would have gladly continued being at her beck and call but the other shoe dropping was still a pre-existing echo of the future.

The night she finally asked me to go to the liquor store for her, I remember thinking back to what I may have done to provoke her desire to drink. I remember even saying, “But I thought you were going to quit? I thought everything was going well?” She assured me it was but she just needed something after the day she’d had. So it started again.

Not long after, circumstances would have my moving out, when my own alcoholism began rearing its head. I chose to feed my own alcoholism because I’d not had any other tools to combat my feelings of low self-esteem, failure at getting my relative sober, failure at being a human being…One may think that after seeing what happened to my relative when she drank, that it would prohibit me. Well, I guess if one isn’t prone to alcoholism that would have worked. But alcohol was effectively my only solution at the time.

And after being in recovery, now for a few years, from alcoholism as well as codependency, I realized it was effectively her only solution too. It was only in addressing my own alcoholism, that I was able to see hers for what it was. This does not mean I did not have a right to my feelings about the harm she caused me. This just means I am able to understand that I did not “cause” her alcoholism anymore than someone else “caused” mine.

And thanks to Al-Anon [a specific subset of Codependent recovery where we address ourselves as we relate to others’ alcoholism] existing, friends and family members do not have to actually *be* alcoholic in order to understand someone else’s alcoholism. There is actually a solution for people who are victimized by alcohol but not through their own drinking, but by someone else’s. And this is good news.

This means you do not have to “turn alcoholic” in order to reap the benefits of recovery. This means you, too, can find the same peace, serenity, and best life that millions of recovering alcoholics, recovering al-anon’s, and recovering codependent’s have enjoyed. Whether it’s through many of the subsets of codependent recovery geared toward friends or family who used alcohol [or drugs] - like Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al-Anon or Alateen, Nar-Anon - or straight to Codependents Anonymous, or even codependent literature, peace can be achieved.

However. If you are currently using alcohol as your solution, I will share with you what my A.A. sponsor first shared with me. “After a year of A.A., I’d like for you to get to Al-Anon.” Then I did. The reason is because I needed to deal with my immediate problem first. I needed to get my own brain, mind, and spirit straightened out first, lest I go into Al-Anon backwards. [In effect, while I am on fire, going into another type of recovery to try to deal with the heat of someone else’s own fire!]

Adapted from my original article, “A Relatives Alcoholic Drinking - A Memoir” at my Newsvine column and was written in response to comments from my Newsvine article: How to Help an Alcoholic Stop Drinking although that same article originated at Living within Samsara entitled Help an Alcoholic to Stop Drinking .

10 Years Later

The above was happening around 1991. I would not get real help for my own drinking problem until about 10 years later. So that when my beloved relative was now in a nursing home for failing health and I went to see her, I told her of my joining a 12 Step program dealing with alcoholism. I’ll never forget what she said.

“So you had to go get help for my drinking? I’m so sorry about that.” It was so precious; the forlorn look she had on her face and the confusion she was exhibiting about what A.A. was. All these years, she was so engrossed in her own demon battles that she never even noticed I had my own alcoholic demons to fight. I did quickly correct her perception by telling her it was for *mY* own problem, but I don’t think she ever really understood.

I was like her for the most part. I would shut my door at night, lock it, and go to town with my drinking. I, too, like her, had a double life going on. It tells me I must have been successful, that she never knew the extent of my drinking. Sure she saw me drinking beers and vodka tonics, but I didn’t binge like she did, so when she would pass out, I was still getting my drunk on. :) And of course, when I’d finally moved out, I had the freedom to drink whenever and however I wanted, without her gaining any sort of knowledge about it.

My conclusion about our lives intertwining the way they did, manifesting the alcoholic helix that seemed to curse my generational line, I can finally draw several conclusions that have led me to peace.

Alcoholism or problem drinking is an illness. The person inflicted with that illness can NOT “just stop” [The AMA classifies it as a disease.] so it is not a matter of willpower.

What it took, for me, was a final five year staying drunk more or less every single night and an increasing evergrowing inability in contending with life on life’s terms. I hit the wall and I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. My poor relative never got to that point and some people don’t. [See here for how to help an alcoholic stop drinking.]

Because of my own battles with alcoholism, I was finally able to love my relative completely and wholly without even expecting her to stop drinking. Because I found a solution for my problem, it also helped me to find a solution for “life’s problem.” I am so grateful I did have a second chance at life because it got me to a place of accepting my beloved’s illness along with accepting her. I credit this acceptance with my Codependent recovery after I got sober - that I never could have understood UNTIL I got sober.

I wish you love, sanity, and peace.

Namaste.

Suggested Links :

• Al-Anon and Alateen Family Services Website
• Al-Anon Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• Codependent Articles at Living within Samsara
• Recovery Articles at Living within Samsara
• Codependent Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• My Autobiography - My Recovery Story

Tags: alcoholism, alcoholic relative, alcoholic, alcoholic family member, relationships, disease, mental health, addiction, quit drinking, self improvement, mom drinks too much, dad drinks too much, drinks too much, stop drinking, secrets, codependent recovery, codependency, self esteem, drug abuse, drug addiction, addicted to alcohol, disabilities, sickness, alcohol abuse, emotional health, recover, sober, sobriety, al anon, codependent12 steps, healthy relationships, aca, acoa, drinking too much, alanon, codie, nar anon, adult child of alcoholism, adult children of alcoholism, drinking in secrecy, naranon, narcotic abuse

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope as it relates to recovery from alcoholism. Thousands and thousands of meeting are held daily worldwide. The Alcoholics Anonymous text book has been translated into several languages. And as for recovery rates? “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path…” [Chapter 5, Big Book or here is the Big Book online in its entirety.]

As for my story and how A.A. relates to it; I wouldn’t be here today were it not for the Twelve Steps and Traditions and even the fellowship of A.A.

Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are for alcoholics. Increasingly, though, more and more addicts-only as well as the dual-addicted person is showing up to meetings.

How does A.A. address this? Does A.A. address this? Are “addicts only” welcome? Is it conducive to the group purpose to introduce yourself as an addict or alcoholic/addict? How about if you have no problem with alcohol? Can A.A. still help you? And who enforces the Traditions anyway? These are questions I hope to answer with extensive clarity. 

Here is the A.A. preamble to begin with:

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. [Read more at the Alcoholics Anonymous website.]

Twelve Steps help the Alcoholic 

It’s been said that the steps are there to keep me from killing myself as I journey onward to sobriety and jokingly said that the Traditions keep me from killing you, another member. Although this is a weak illustration, I think it proves the point rather well. When I came into A.A. I had no idea the Traditions had anything to do with me. I thought they were for people who were in there and knew what they were doing.

Since then, it’s been my experience that #1, no one hardly knows what they are doing in the first place and #2, if “they” [others in A.A.] are not following the Traditions, where is my responsibility in that?

My responsibility in that is clear. Since then, I have been led through the Traditions, I have studied them, I have sought their truth. Alcoholics Anonymous - the program itself, as well as the good people in the fellowship itself who were sober -  saved my miserable life and now, as one who knows better, it is my responsibility to pass that on.

And I did something last night that, for me, required a great deal of courage. I chair a Beginner’s meeting and I have never heard of a Beginner’s meeting turning into a Tradition meeting with a Group Conscience flavor. But that’s what I did. By God. or By Bill. Whichever. 

Twelve Traditions help the Group [to help the Alcoholic] 

The Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous are a set of guidelines that insure the meetings we have, although perhaps full of the sickest alcoholics in the lot, remain sane and healthy. This, I believe. I have spent years looking at this theory. And every time I see - even “well-adjusted” A.A.’s in a meeting - Traditions going overlooked, denied, or excused, it ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS turns into a very sick “spreading your disease around” point of time. I can be as *healthy* as I pretend to be when I walk into a meeting. But if I sit there and overlook broken Traditions or even contribute to broken Traditions, I am going to walk away either with nothing good from the meeting or “sicker” than when I went in.

When I meet someone through my A.A. meetings, I need to be mindful of Tradition 1 that states: “Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.” as well as Tradition 5 that states: “Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.” 

So with our common welfare coming first and with our recovery depending upon A.A. unity, it makes sense to me that we keep our primary purpose in mind lest we deviate into the realm of cursed “sickest group in town” status! 

Are you an Alcoholic? Are you an Addict? Are you a Purple Giraffe?

So with all that said, what about the people who come into an A.A. meeting and call themselves addicts? Frankly, I do not care. As I shared with a newcomer, who was loathe to label herself as an alcoholic (but had decided to try to stop drinking),

“You can introduce yourself as a purple green giraffe. The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking; Not ‘to introduce yourself as an alcoholic.’” [From Tradition 3, if you please, that states: “The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.”]

With that said, at my personal core, if asked, I discourage people from saying, “My name is ____ and I’m an alcoholic and addict.” It’s because it dilutes the A.A. message. It dilutes our purpose from being there. What if I introduced myself as an alcoholic and a sugar addict and an approval addict and everything else I am trying to improve upon? And more than that, what’s the point?

Over here at An Alcoholics Story in his article “Alcoholic/Addict“, the author asks “Why?” to the thought, “Why do some people in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting say, ’I'm an alcoholic and addict’?”

I responded (and with much fervor at that!) to the article because it’s been coming around for me lately.

I have a sponsee and we talked about this last week. She began introducing herself as an addict, not knowing she was an alcoholic til her 4th step. Discovering she was an alcoholic she added “and alcoholic” into her introduction.

So then I began wondering about our singleness of purpose and my responsibility to the 12 Traditions.

Ergo, we had a conversation that went along the lines of, “I don’t say I am an alcoholic and a sugar addict do I?” or “I am an alcoholic and a codependent in recovery.” …and on it went.

The point being that alcoholism comes with it - by it’s nature - many other manifestations and to scramble to the bottom or to the top of the heap, what am I trying to prove? Am I *more* special by being *more screwed up?* or am I trying to deviate from the AA singleness of purpose by *warning you AA people* that my story may involve drugs?

Listen. I am a Traditions person and people who introduce themselves as addicts AND alcoholics are not aligning their spirits to the Traditions. That’s exactly how I look at it. … I have been in a meeting of 15 people where 12 of them introduced themselves as both. Had I been a newcomer I would have felt like I did not belong.

So then…where DOES an alcoholic go who wants to save her life when AA begins not acknowledging the repercussions of overlooking the Traditions? The Traditions are what keep us Alcoholics Anonymous.

I’ve worked with - and been worked on - by all sorts in the 12 Step Recovering Community because after getting sober is when my manifested “other symptoms” became prominent - such as anorexia, self-injuring, people-pleasing, and even sugar addiction. Does this mean that I should have begun sharing all these other labels at my A.A. meeting? No. Vehemently, no.

Are some addicts really saying that for implicit permission to discuss their drug use; to turn our A.A. meeting into an N.A. one? You betcha! [Check out that pamphlet to the lower left.]

So did you catch my truth on that? Let me specify with another story because you know - that’s what I do best. 

Are you an Addict at an A.A. Meeting? 

Last Tuesday I needed an A.A. meeting. I wanted to connect with some friends and needed some recovery talk with “my people.” Maybe a third of the people in the room introduced themselves as addicts and maybe a third introduced themselves as alcoholics and another third as alcoholic and addict. It was a Closed meeting [meaning not just anyone is welcome. People with a desire to stop drinking were the only ones welcome and this means people who usually call themselves alcoholics.]

But before the meeting got underway, when the chairperson asked if any newcomers in the room, a woman spoke up as an addict and told a room full of recovering drunks that she’s never had a problem with alcohol; that her *thing* was cocaine [although it was crack and this became pertinent later] but she did not want to go to an N.A. meeting because “more people came to this one”.

So this woman was basically - introducing herself as an addict aside - sharing with us that she did not have a desire to stop drinking and that her plan was to become a member here because she did not like the N.A. [Narcotics Anonymous] meetings. This next part may confuse non A.A. Members so if you’re reading this just for kicks and giggles, skip on over til you get to the next blue sub-heading. But it didn’t stop there.

Then when we went around the room to introduce ourselves when it came back to almost her, instead of letting the man speak beside her, she said, “Oh and he’s nothing. He doesn’t drink or do drugs or anything. He’s a really good friend who just drove me to this meeting.” So crackhead lady speaks on this man’s behalf, which I personally thought was emasculating - and then hushed him up [ssssh! it’s okay] when he tried to speak on his own behalf. Talk about from sick to sicker. I watched this in slight amusement which would have been even more amusing, had I not felt like I needed this meeting; This CLOSED meeting.

Open Meeting versus Closed: Opening a Closed Meeting? 

I wondered what my friend - who was chairing the meeting - was going to do.

1. Would she be brave and courageous and do the hard thing and explain to them what a CLOSED meeting was, thereby inviting them to leave?
2. Would she be brave and courageous - kinda - and explain what a CLOSED meeting was and *overlook* that they were BOTH not there for A.A. recovery?
3. Or would she pretend there was no difference and keep going? Or maybe she really didn’t know the difference? [And keep going.] Because yes, friends, some chairpeople do not know.
4. OR would she completely wimp out and - ignoring the needs of the alcoholics who may have travelled long distances to get there for a CLOSED meeting - “OPEN the meeting with an-in-name-only ‘mini-group conscience’” so that she would not have to make the hard-yet-Tradition-aligning decision of #1?

She did #4. I thought she’d pull a number 1 because she’s *my* friend and she’s a hard-ass. Let me clarify. She’s a hard-ass when it comes to working with people and their steps but this example has shown me that she is a softy marshmallow when it comes to invoking the Traditions.

So when she announced the meeting as OPEN I raised my hand to speak. She called on me in a room full of quiet.

I took a deep breath because I don’t care what I may *look* like when I am “being” a hard ass in an A.A. meeting but trust that my insides are not matching my outsides. It is hard for me to step out of my ‘people-pleasing’ role to invoke Traditions. But I do it because I am responsible. I, as one person, am responsible for sharing what I know to be true. Even if I am the only one who has this truth inside me, if I do not share it, I will have regret. Enough regrets, friends, and I will drink again - or cut or starve or…

“I want to share that although this has now become an OPEN meeting from a CLOSED that there is only one difference; Anyone can be in attendance at an OPEN meeting. In both cases, however, we still abide the Traditions and abide our singleness of purpose. This means that we still discuss our problems as they relate to alcohol.” 

That was about it. That was me being a hard-ass. I do think it’s unfair and not wholly correct to “open” a closed meeting and no one would ever see me doing it. What if every chairperson open a closed meeting every time a visitor showed up? Again. It takes away from the alcoholic who has travelled there for a closed meeting. Not to mention, the group who decided it would be a closed meeting already decided it was a closed meeting. Opening it up the moment it begins, defers to visitors and usurps the Group Conscience who, for all we know, had unanimity with the decision to make it a Closed Meeting in the first place. It’s just wrong on many levels, in my opinion.

Toward the end of that meeting, drug addict woman shared that she had not felt comfortable sharing about her addiction and then nodded over at me and said, “Because you know…” I nearly laughed out loud so I stifled a personal smile instead. So all in all, the fact I needed a meeting turned out to be I think I needed comic relief. :) My group got 10 bonus points from me that night in not back-peddling with, “Oh you can share about your crackhead experience!” due to her transparent manipulation. [Yes, she was manipulative with that statement. Hence….good segue into the next section.]

Alcoholics Anonymous does not serve the Addict 

Alcoholics are different than Addicts and even if they are exactly the same - watch this. In an A.A. meeting, I share my experience, strength, and hope as it relates to recovery from alcohol. How is a crackhead going to feel as if she fits in? Let’s get honest here. This poor woman has done things for her drugs I couldn’t imagine doing unless *I* too had suffered the same addiction. She probably looks at me like a goody goody quite honestly and I can see how.

There is either a newer and deeper level of manipulation or even up into a criminal element going on with drug addicts that pure alcoholics can not relate to. I did not have to hit the streets and develop a thicker skin in order to survive to get my liquor. The lowest I ever went was going to a crummy ABC store in a rancid part of town. My *addiction* did not rely on really low levels of manipulation; Sure I lied to people who questioned about how much I drank but I would hardly have called myself a “con-artist” or a “thief” which is what I hear when I visit the N.A. meetings. My friends were not people who were familiar with jail or street drugs and how to get them. Now I did have friends - I found out - who doctor shopped which is still an addict but maybe the deep criminal element is missing here.

A true difference is that there are people who drink alcohol and who do not “turn” alcoholic. They suffer no weird phenomenon of craving that the A.A. Big Book talks about and specifically in the Doctor’s Opinion. I have never had a former crackhead friend explain to me he kept crack on the coffee table and offered it up when guests came to visit. Have you ever heard of someone socially shooting heroin? Besides. Even “normal” people - not having a problem with alcohol in the past - can develop addiction through prescribed pain medicine; My point being that you don’t have to be “chemically different” in order to be an addict. You DO have to be chemically different than *normal* people to be an alcoholic.

See the Doctor’s Opinion in the Big Book regarding this chemical difference. Or try to understand- for you non-alcoholics- what it must be like to have one beer only… to then crave the next one. Once an alcoholic inputs alcohol into her system, this weird phenomena of craving starts and nothing can assuage that intense craving other than more alcohol. If we never picked up the first drink, we’d be cherry. Alcoholics Anonymous gave me the tools to learn how to stay away from the first drink. It’s really that easy. Some tools may work for others that is not A.A., but A.A. worked for me. Maybe something else would have worked for me instead, but this is what did it. So I tend to stick with what works. Not to mention, I am happy. [Small detail? Nah. :)]

But all this talk of addicts differing from alcoholics…? Not pertinent as it relates to A.A. meetings. These are just my thoughts on the differences. A.A. has another pamphlet I cannot find online, but it’s a shorter version of the pamphlet above that actually has the questions answered as they pertain to addicts in A.A. I guess G.S.O. had to answer them point blank, finally, because people in A.A. seem to be so wary of excluding anyone. That, or ignorant of the Twelve Traditions.

Alcoholics Anonymous Traditions Exclude the Addict from Membership

When I chaired my Newcomers - or Beginners - Meeting last night and read the short pamphlet still entitled, “Problems other than Alcohol” that I took from our very own pamphlet kiosk, can you believe that people with 10 plus years of claimed sobriety via A.A.; via Alcoholics Anonymous [I say this because it’s important to differentiate that people who are sober not through A.A. should and would have no reason to know of the A.A. Traditions], really did say, “I think we might have to call New York and ask them the official response.”

Thank goodness someone who was there referred back to what I’d just read after saying, “It doesn’t get any more clear than this…”

(1) Can a nonalcoholic pill or drug addict become an A.A. member? No.

(2) Can such a person be brought, as a visitor, to an open A.A. meeting for help and inspiration? Yes.

(3) Can a pill or drug taker, who also has a genuine alcoholic history, become a member of A.A.? Yes.

(4) Should these nonalcoholic pill or drug users be led to believe that they have become A.A. members? No.

These questions - AND answers - came straight from the shorter version pamphlet like the one above entitled, “Problems other than Alcohol” and it’s straight from A.A. World Service; ie, New York. So you see? I read it straight out the little short pamphlet, emphasized the answers, and still there was a comment of confusion deviating from the truth.

One more time: “Nonalcoholics are not A.A. members because there is only one requirement for membership and that is a desire to stop drinking.” If there is a desire to stop smoking crack, wonderful. Has nothing to do with A.A., though because that is an outside issue. [Tradition 10. Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.]

Alcoholics Anonymous Traditions Enforcement Police

I was a member of the ever-elusive A.A. Traditions police. We don’t wear badges and we’re a secret society in that we never actually tell anyone we’re the Traditions Police.

If you currently have about a  year sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and find yourself pointing out how groups are doing it wrong or how someone broke a *rule* or still use “she should have…” or are often blaming people or groups or situations for why you could not so and so, then you’re a member of the Traditions Police now, too. Welcome aboard control freak! [Just Kidding. We’ve all been there.] :p

To avoid being a member of the Traditions Police - because the most miserable member in a group will always belong to the Traditions Police Force -  it may help to remember some sayings…

1. Live and let Live. Easy Does it. First things First. [Let people be where they are.]
2. A good bad example. [When all else fails I just think that maybe I need to see this.]
3. I am responsible. [If I think YOU need to be responsible but not me, that’s backwards.]
4. Love and tolerance is our code. [Straight from the Big Book right here (Pg. 84).]
5. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. [NOT “do it right.”]

But Seriously. What about Alcoholics Anonymous Tradition Breaks in Groups?

Alcoholics Anonymous is about as anarchy as it gets but, for an institution with no rules of any kind, the Traditions are there so that we insure A.A.’s survival. It’s that easy. If A.A. does not survive, the alcoholic who wants recovery will not have A.A. to turn to.

Jokingly I reference the term, “Traditions Police” to those people who have been where I am talking about. The miserable people who see the harm over the help. Who see the bad over the good. Who see the error rather than the forgiveness. Who see the pill poppers over the recovering examples. But in real life, there really *are* groups who break Traditions to such an extent that it’s a goddamned miracle when there is any kind of sobriety to be had by any individual. [I came from one such group and yes my sobriety was and is a miracle.]

I am well aware that people say A.A. is a cult. I address that in several posts already with basically the same sentiment that anything can turn into a cult when you get control freaks involved. [I would suggest codependent recovery if control freaks control you in A.A. or outside A.A.]

Here is how I explained it to a friend. In keeping with Tradition 2 which states For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority- a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern how is that we “enforce” these traditions?

We Become the Walking Example of the Traditions   

Non-complicated answer: By being the example.

We are the example. We learn the Traditions. We ask to go over them with our sponsor or someone who knows them. We study them. We live them and particularly in meetings. We, in effect, become “armed with the facts about ourselves” as those facts relate to the group. You know how in the Big Book it says we cannot transmit something we do not have? Well, if we have legitimate complaints about the group or problems with the group, let’s get to the reasons why.

What Traditions are going unobserved? How could the meetings improve in carrying the message to alcoholics? Perhaps our group needs a “Group Inventory?” We take time to learn these things while also realizing it “takes time to learn these things.” :) 

We study the Traditions in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions for example. We grow to understand terms like “Group Conscience” and the “Twelve Concepts.” We take advantage of the internet in looking up other Group experiences. :) We read the literature from G.S.O. that is often in any A.A. kiosk at a meeting clubhouse. [If we cannot read we get what we can on tape or ask someone to read the literature to us and we discuss it with someone who has experience with the service structure.] 

Conclusion

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is the Twelve Steps, found in the Big Book. The group purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous as shared in the Traditions, is to carry the message to alcoholics. The message being how we got sober, get sober, stay sober, and so forth. The Twelve Traditions are to guide the groups so that we can best serve the alcoholics. They are not meant to be mean, elitist or exclusionary but are meant to be necessary for the welfare of the group. If we do not carry this message, who will? The onus is upon each of us who know better and this often requires - for me at least - courage.

But courage to speak up or do the next right thing should not be insurmountable when you understand that you do have the Traditions on your side. Remember. This is not your “best thinking” that you’re sharing and striving toward. They are principles founded and based upon the Twelve Traditions [and even Steps sometimes], and in that, how can you go wrong?

Here’s to your courage.

Namaste. 

Tags: alcoholics anonymous, twelve traditions, twelve steps, traditions police, group conscience, anonymity, addicts, drug addicts, alcoholic, alcoholism, addiction, spiritual foundation, requirement for membership, AA, AA groups, alcoholic recovery, A.A. newcomers, A.A., twelve and twelve, 12 and 12, twelve steps and twelve traditions, narcotics anonymous, narcotics, recovery from drugs, clean and sober, sober, clean, alcoholic addict, dual addicted, dually addicted

If you think someone dislikes you do you purposefully try to do things to “make” them like you? If you think that someone dislikes you, have you then secretly felt that something must be wrong with you? Do you sometimes think your life is spent wondering either what is *wrong* with you or why can’t you just *fit* in?

Have you ever pretended to be different or someone you weren’t in order to fit in, be popular, or be liked? Just knowing if they knew the real you, you would not be liked?

In this article, like a more recent article on Taking Care of Ourselves, despite societal expectations, I’m going to focus on how to begin the perception shift necessary for this freedom to occur. The opposite of freedom and release from other people’s opinions is bondage and control due to their opinions.

So if you’re currently at the whim of what people say or do and don’t know how to get out from under that enslaving mindset, I would encourage you to read this article, the article already mentioned, and even perhaps the articles filed under Codependency, Words can Harm, and the Four Agreements. At the end of this article there is a section entitled Related Posts.

Do not Take Anything or Action Personally

The solution to not worrying about what people think about you is to think well about yourself. When you do this, you will not constantly then be needing to look to outside sources - or at least people - to fill your bucket. But if you seem to find yourself in a never-ending circle of not feeling good and caring too much about other peoples’ opinions or you seem to be the walking low self-esteemer [I was there and yes you can escape!] then keep reading.

“Fill your bucket”: This is my famous metaphor I speak of often that refers to the bucket being my internal vessel and the “filling” being that stuff that makes me okay. We all have an internal vessel that comprises the “who we are”. Some of us were either traumatized as children or as young adults and have a filter occupying our perceptions that have us constantly searching for external solutions to *fill our bucket.* Those temporary solutions can take the form of alcohol, drugs, approval addiction, inappropriate relationships, or anything else that is temporary but harms us in the long run.

When we look to outside sources to fill our bucket we constantly need more and more sources [or substances] because people are either ultimately self-absorbed, spiritually or emotionally sick or underdeveloped in their own way or even just plain human [and the substances become so important to us we develop tunnel vision and castrate those other healthier sources that exist].

That’s the 3rd of the Four Agreements, “Don’t Take Anything Personally.”

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

It’s all well and good to say, “Don’t take anything personally” and then you can finally be free but how do we do that?

I’m a highly sensitive person; feelings as well as central nervous system. So, as nice as it is to simple say, “Don’t take anything personally” I believe we need to actually be taught how to shift our perceptions so that we can arrive at that place and way of thinking. That’s what I hope to do here.

How to not Take Things Personally

We Begin to Understand and Internalize that Realities Differ

When I really began to understand that every individual has their own ideas and have created [manifested] their own belief system, their own way of living, and their own philosophies, I better was able to understand how insignificant I was to their dream unless I fulfilled some role of their dream. So what that means is that yes, you *are* the center of your universe [like I am to mine] and so is it such a stretch to see how the unexamined life could get angry because I wasn’t fulfilling my role?

But I don’t want to be angry, for example, when someone doesn’t fulfill a role I have planned for them because anger is such a painful emotion for me. I also do not want to get a swollen head when someone tells me how great I am because then I have the dangerous ego vying for that person’s acceptance, and then my own opinion may go out the window! Therefore, I have decided to acknowledge that every person is the main actor in their world and is simply projecting their own reality, no matter what they say or do! Opposite this agreement is the one I used to have that stated we all have the same reality and we’re all just trying to scramble to the top of it by arranging the people in our lives to varying positions they may not want to be in.
I do well with analogies and examples and I think in pictures so let me go ahead and offer some tangible examples that may help with showing how to shift your perceptions here.

Example 1: Our perceptions make our reality. Forget “the Ultimate Reality” but just know that if you perceive a snake as dangerous and a snake is two inches from your face, you may feel fear and your reality in that moment is threatened. You freeze until you can figure out what to do. I, however, am inside my office and writing this article and the air is on and I have a candle burning and I feel peace in my reality as I write this article. So I shout through the window asking if you want a cup of coffee because the last time my reality *merged* with your reality, you were at peace on the deck. You don’t answer me. I get angry.

1. Think: Did you make me angry?
2. Think: Did you not answer me in order to purposefully make me angry?
3. Think: Did I shout out the window in order to further threaten your reality?

Example explanation: No. Of course you did not make me angry so hopefully you can deduce the rest of the answers of perceptual health. Based on my own perceptions of my reality is why I got angry.

And it’s been my experience that the unexamined life *will* get angry over small things like that. But once we shift…start shifting our perceptions by examining our former agreements, we will be less prone to becoming angry over small things like this. Okay. This was a blatant example. Hopefully most people were able to see this one for the different realities experienced by both players. The next one will be a slightly bit less obvious.

Example 2: Most of us have friends based on our merging of realities and commonalities, right? I have many friends who live not according to materialism, but who have *plenty* of materialism. Most of my friends are close to my own skin shade and gender. Most of my friends come from my country of origin and most of my friends don’t dig ecclesiastical religion. So now I have to ask: But do you have friends who do not share some of these realities? I certainly do.

My closest friend is black, comes from the ghetto, didn’t finish High School, struggles to get by and happens to be about 8 yrs older than me. But we’re so close because things that matter and are important to us, we share so deeply. We share them so deeply and personally that each others skin tone, education, age differences, and economic differences don’t come into play.

So with all that said, a real example is inviting her to come to my birthday party. She did not come. She said she would come but then she didn’t. I felt sad that she didn’t show up.

1. Think: Did she make me sad?
2. Think: Did she not come in order to purposefully make me sad?

Example Explanation: Because she is my closest friend in the world, I know and accept some of her foibles. One just happens to be HSP. If she is feeling too much stimulation, she is going to avoid further stimulation and especially when there are going to be many people there whose realities are different than hers. Yes I was sad. No I did not take it personally. And besides, she has always been there for me when it counted.

I don’t know why it seems that this world has taught us to blame external developments for how we feel on the inside. It’s grown weird to me. It’s normal for a child to do this because the child like autonomy and really is at the whim of the adults around her. So much of society, thought, has seemingly stayed stuck in this mindset, though, well on into adulthood and this is why I say, time and time again that codependency is the fastest spreading viral sickness we have in this world. And yes, these issues - not taking personally other peoples’ words and actions - are codependent recovery principles.

Example 3: I was taking a shower and my beloveds daughter wanted to talk to me while I was showering, so she kept opening the curtain as we talked. [She is 4.] I told her about 8 times that she was going to get wet if she did not close the shower curtain. So are you surprised when she ended up getting wet? She apparently was because she then angrily shouted after she closed the curtain, “You just got me wet!” So she stormed off, in 4 year old fashion and hollered, “I’m telling Daddy!” So then I got angry at that diseased thinking - neverminding the whole tattle culture at that age - finished up my shower and went to find her.

1. Think: Did she make me angry?
2. Think: Did a socially viral meme make me angry?

Example Explanation: I got angry based on my own reality and ideas of “healthy” thinking not coming to pass in that instance - and with a child at that. And that’s really the answer for all of these. We ALWAYS get _______ [fill in the emotion] based on our own realities or perceptions.

There she was. Sitting with my beloved and staring defiantly at me. I said, “I was in the shower doing what I was supposed to be doing, with the shower curtain closed. I told you several times you were going to get wet if you kept that curtain open. You kept it open, didn’t you? Then you got wet from my shower.” She’s looking at me big brown eyes [the girl is a sponge] and her defiance - yes, she was still mad - softened. So then I looked into her eyes, “So who got you wet?” She said, “I got me wet.” It was a proud moment for me! :-) I said, “That’s right! So next time I suggest you close the curtain, what might you do?” She said, “Close the curtain.”

Example 4: I have a friend who encounters gossip and rumor on a daily basis. She seems to attract and surround herself with people who tell her that “someone said something about her.” She is fairly new to recovery - about a year sober - and it’s clear she lacks the tools in which to deal with sort of thing because when she’s finished, she basically whines a lot of “he said she said” to me. She doesn’t get that when people “speak her sanctified name” it has nothing to do with her. She, therefore, thinks then that it is her job to “get to the bottom of it” and go interviewing people asking if such and such was true or not.

She is operating from a clear case of “taking things personally” and coupled with “making assumptions” [that they will tell her the truth and that the person who told her such and such is telling the truth] and being “unimpeccable with her words” [because she’s just gone to person B and *gossiped* about person A telling her something person B said, thereby perhaps causing a conflict between person A and B when person A would have told person B the information if she’d wanted her to know it. Confusing? That’s right. That’s why this is unhealthy behavior at its finest and it’s called a Drama Triangle.]

So that when Amy, a girl Jennifer barely knows, tells her that Rick said she was on drugs so can she have some, Jennifer is now mad at her friend Rick for lying about her. She goes to Rick and he denies it. So she then goes back to Jennifer and tells her that Rick denies it. So now Jennifer recalls that maybe it was someone else - now knowing that Rick knows about what she said and she has fear of what Rick will think, whether it was true or not.

My friend is so wrapped up with what people think, coupled with her ego, that she currently thinks she can stop people from gossiping about her. Not only has she not internalized that she is powerless over people, but she is currently so insecure within her self, that other peoples’ opinions rule her existence so dramatically, that any semblance of walking with integrity is out the window. Like the 4 yr old, she thinks if she stomps her baby feet, cries, screams, and yells and blames enough people that *it* will stop. It is safe to say that her entire existence is currently at the whim of what other people think about her, what other people say to and about her, and how other people perceive her.

1. Think: Are these other people making her life “crazy?”
2. Think: Who is the real victimizer in her life?
3. Think: If she thought well of herself would she be scrambling about like she does?

Example Explanation: My friend is like so many others. And before I began searching out spiritual solutions to human problems, I was like that too; So it’s not a judgment of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but the necessary precursor to change which is acknowledgment. And if she never acknowledges that she is the one making her own self nuts, what motivation does she have to change? No, instead she’ll continue to scramble about trying to fix, manage and control other people, all the while, making herself the ‘victim’.

Example 5: Last night I was at a 12 step meeting for alcoholic recovery. A woman introduced herself as a cocaine addict and said she had no problem with alcohol. After the chairperson discussed the difference between an open and closed meeting, I raised my hand and said that in both cases, we still discuss our problems as they relate to alcohol. [That being the 5th Tradition.] Throughout the meeting the woman “poor me’d” and insinuated she did not feel welcome because she could not talk about her cocaine use. She also made excuses as to why she did not go to a 12 step meeting for cocaine use. At the end of the meeting when she picked up a white token, I did not clap and she looked at me and cut her eyes.

1. Think: Would it make sense for me to take her anger personally?
2. Think: Did I take her “poor me-ing” personally? Did I feel guilt?
3. Think: When she comes back to this meeting and shares she did drugs due to feeling unwelcome, would that be mine to own or hers?

Example Explanation: In my agreement system, I have decided to agree with the 5th tradition of this meeting. What this means is that in a meeting I have the responsibility to share my truth and my reality as it relates to the meetings truth and reality. This is what “Walking with integrity” means, and because I no longer worry about the opinions of other people, I had the courage to speak this truth. As a result, the rest of the meeting - I was told by others recovering from alcoholism afterward - was geared toward alcoholic recovery. Not to mention, I have seen many addicts go in there and expect the entire meeting to revolve around their addiction. It did not this night and I cannot help but to think it’s because I spoke my truth as it related to this agreement.

More Reasons to not Take Things Personally

Communication, Language, Culture and Education comprise a Reality

And if we can look at it from this simple point of view, perhaps we can begin to notice our perceptions slowly shifting into the more relevant aspects of our lives - where it matters. These examples are rather tangible and based on communications differences, language utilization differences, culture [our upbringing and how we were raised] and our education level. From these influences, certainly it’s no stretch to add I.Q., religion, profession, outlook on life, spiritual or no spiritual life, where we live, and other differences. If we can open our mind into understanding that different people have had *their bucket of personality* filled with perhaps different things than we have, it’s easier to not take things personally. Isn’t it?

Exemplified Statement #1: Based on a true statistic, something like 80% of all college students polled, when asked, “Do you think women’s suffrage should end?” answered yes. If you don’t find this funny, then your reality is very different from mine; I would have answered no.

Question: Do I believe that women should suffer? Hint: Look up suffrage.

Exemplified Statement #2: Or let’s say we get into a conversation on your behaving niggardly. If you were an uneducated black gangbanger from Harlem’s finest ghetto - based on my reality - I would not discuss it with you because my experience has taught me that uneducated black people do not fare with this word very well, but the fact remains, based on your circumstances you do behave niggardly - you almost have no choice.

Question: Would you think I am racist? Hint: Look up niggardly.

Exemplified Statement #3: A friend thinks that women’s duties comprise keeping house, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children and mowing the yard in addition to working outside the home. This friend also thinks that slapping his woman once in a while keeps her loyal. Based on this information, can we safely assume my friend is not my friend who is the Professor of Women’s Studies in Gender Inequality in Antebellum Politics?

Question: Would you think the woman he is slapping around is my friend? Why or why not? Hint: The friend who teaches and this man have 180* different realities.

Exemplified Statement #4: I live in a culture that values stick-thin women. We see them on magazine covers, runways, television. We see the tabloids, with great fervor, condemning stars who’ve gotten too skinny [or too fat for that matter because there is no pleasing the tabloids is there?]. These tabloids accuse women of anorexia.

Question: Would they accuse Ethiopians or other starving countries of having too many anorexic women? Would I go to Ethiopia and pull out my soapbox, explaining to them the dangers of willfully refusing food? Of course not because theirs is a culture of starving due to lack of food. The tabloid media here, in the US, breaks all boundaries of healthy agreements. It makes assumptions that the skinny stars have food. They are certainly not impeccable because they lie, prevaricate, and spread gossip and rumors. They judge people and intentionally try to make things personal. And they’re not doing their spiritual or emotionally healthy best. They are trying to make money.

Exemplified Statement #5: I used to have a neighbor who was a very sweet girl. [She made an appearance in an article; a memoir I published not so long ago called, “Knowing Hector” if you would like to read more about her.] She has a lower level I.Q., innocent nature, and suffers abuses from her mother. Although she is well into adult age, her thought processes and sweet disposition were more like a simplified and shy 8 year old. She thought my husband was handsome and wanted to hug him - like she was daughter - every time she saw him. The reality, though, is that she was about 5 years younger than him.

Question: Should I have tried to help her by suggesting we go look for apartments? Should I have used a hard edge tactic and told her she must hate herself for living in this abusive situation? This was a tough situation for me to watch but in no way would I have spoken to her like I would speak to a peer. She had the mind of a child but the rights of an adult. What I ended up doing was being her friend; inviting her over often and spending time with her. If an outsider judged this situation in any fashion other than how it was, would be operating from a different reality. Because my reality was so different from hers, I really did not know what to do. She eventually did gain a good life.

Final Thoughts

It took me three days to complete this article because I am going through another round of EBV {which actually led to this article on “Taking Care of Ourselves” - which is another article discussing the release of societal expectations}. It’s probably why I decided to write this one with the focus being on the 2nd Agreement to Not Take Anything Personally.

It may sometimes seem as if these articles can become redundant. if this is the case, then it seems you’ve already gotten what you need insofar as information and tools and all that is left is for you to begin practicing or taking different actions.

What this means is that I may be able to hold your hand and show you some successful outcomes for creating boundaries, for example, or even give you the words in creating the boundaries you may so desperately need, but like everything else, if you don’t put it into practice by feeling the fear and doing it anyway, then it just stays in your mind and your life remains the same.

Much the same with not taking things personally or getting released from societal expectations or opinions; If you continue scrambling about and taking actions contrary to your goal, your thinking will continue to follow your living example. If, however, you truly want to begin living a different dream, you can!

1. Firstly, yes there may be fear.
2. There will almost assuredly be discomfort.
3. Do it anyway. 

Continuing in practice will conquer the fear and assuage the discomfort. I promise. I also want to mention - in case you were looking for pats on the back - that the only people who will pat you on the back for your positive life changes will be people who simply want you to be the best whole “walking with integrity” being you can be. If you need a pat on the back, post your comment here and I’ll give you one! I think it’s important at a time like this to get as much support as we can. Even if you need to join a support group or rally the help of your friends who are on a similar path!

You will definitely not get pats on the back or “atta girl”’s from people who try to control you with their opinions or actions. So don’t get discouraged if (when) this happens. In fact, take it as a sign of your growth!These people want you to continue being the agreeable actor in their (sick?) world so that when you no longer show up for that role, they may stomp their baby feet and throw their baby fit! [And what have we learned? That’s their reality so let them if they want to. You, however, can control your geography. Even if you have to use your feet to express yourself by walking away.] 

I have faith in you! You deserve your best life. It’s up to you to go get it. 

Until next time.

Namaste.

Recommended BookStore Sections: Integrity and Codependency

Tags: opinions, expectations, don miguel ruiz, four agreements, codependency, codependent recovery, too sensitive, words, mitote, do not take anything personally, perceptions, realities, release from other opinions, people pleaser, integrity, autonomy, self-esteem, perceptions of reality

That’s a lonely feeling isn’t it? I remember feeling that way more than I did not feel that way. And, of course, because my life has not arrived into a state of Utopia, I still feel that way sometimes; Misunderstood, lonely, alone, sensitive, shy, introverted, or even moody.  

Do you want a solution? Hopefully this article can delve a little into how we can make some perception shifts and small changes so that our *insensitive* world either does not seem so insensitive or, even better, that we begin to not notice the insensitivity! For HSP’s [and it may be due to our very high intelligence…:)] this is no easy feat. And although that was a rather flip statement I made regarding high intelligence, I meant it for the most part. I have never met a dull HSP. I have met some HSP’s who did not have command of the written language or had poor spelling or grammar but the poignancy in which they would express themselves, would reveal that they were in fact true specimens of the Highly Sensitive modality! I know this, because we are quite unique.

Some Validation of your Highly Sensitive Person Status

A large part of my insecurity in this world came from not being validated as “normal” or “okay.” So I tried very hard to change characteristics of myself in order to be seen as “normal” or “okay.” The consequence is that not only was I now worse off, but even my acts of “normalcy” did not pan out and, in addition, I suffered from intense feelings of lower self-esteem.

Think about this for a moment: If the who you are is a standard deviation or so from the *normal* bell curve and you already feel like an unaccepted-into-this-world-freak, think logically about how you would feel if you practiced being within that bell curve and still were not accepted? At least in the first scenario, where you are being true to yourself, you are being who you are. And you may think it ridiculous, but I think it as truth that when we truly do honor who we are, the opinions of other people do not matter!

But for this section I want to validate that you are weird! Yes you are! Wonderfully, beautifully, exceptionally, and uniquely weird! You have an intuitive depth - or a deeply held spiriitual knowing - that some people may be flummoxed, bewildered, or threatened by! Our little secret is that they needn’t be! They do not know you for the lightworker or spiritual human I know you to be! So some people fear or dislike you if they sense this; But rest assured, most of these people are spiritually stunted and hence, why the fear! They fear you may see something in them they do not want to acknowledge. But again, it’s our secret that you are not of this world, but of the spirit world and thus, would never want to hurt them with this knowledge! So acknowledge your specialness. It’s an honor. It is an honor for me to be in such company as other HSP’s. It let’s me know I am no longer alone or the only one and it also validates that other empaths and intuitives exist to the extent that they, too, feel like freaks of nature!

You are a sensitive, empathetic, intuitive being of light who senses truth. You are almost a personal lie detector aren’t you? You’ve felt odd since the beginning and knew you were not like other people. You saw how others operated and interacted with each other but picked up whether they were interacting in truth or love, or whether they were dissembling, prevariacating, or whether the relationship was one based in spirit or one based in the world.

You’ve often seen yourself gravitating to people who were odd or unusual and you empathized with their plight. You understand the purity of children and of animals and you respect the spirit of life in all things. You do not share your self with just anybody because what is the point? Most of them would not understand anyway and you’ve never been one for small talk on fluffy matters. Those times you have opened up have left you feeling hurt or vulnerable many times and you vowed you’d close down forever on more than a few occasions because you just get that you’re a social retard.

You’re not socially retarded, just socially different; Spiritually advanced perhaps yields many social differences, but don’t be so quick as to label you as the one defective or slow! You choose to speak with others who are like you and who get you and though you may’ve found a few, most people just don’t get you so you figured something was wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s simply the equivalent of a genius trying to communicate to a two year old without knowing how to come down to the 2 yr olds level. That’s all. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with the 2 yr old being 2 is there? No, of course not! No more than there is anything *wrong* with the genius being a genius! The crime would be, however, if the genius pretended to not be one! Geniuses need to exist in order to teach others who come after them! Yes, use that analogy for the way in which you think I am intending it. :)

Take heart that even Elaine Aron did not coin this “HSP” concept. Perhaps she made the name more *mainstream* with her books with various “Highly Sensitive” terms in the title, but she was not the first. And what I am about to discuss may just very well blow your mind.

Even More Reasons your are Special 

As those who belong to the SU Highly Sensitive Person’s Forum know, I make many great claims about HSP’s. I use terms like “psychic” and “empaths” and “indigo” and “chosen” and “Lightworkers.” Elaine Aron never makes any such claim to the best of my knowledge. To the best of *my* knowledge she simply claims we have an overclocked central nervous system.

I went further in my research.

The Synchronicity Comes Together: With my overclocked central nervous system and valuing the information I have learned about chakras, along with taking a test years ago that consistently revealed a “too open” crown chakra. With the dreams I would have often coming true. With revealing “feelings” of things that were going to come to pass and then they did. With my spiritual searching ever since a small child. With my deeply empathetic nature toward animals to almost an “animal-whisperer.” With having experienced paranormal things or things that happened outside the realm of normal explanation of this 3 dimensional world. With astral projection becoming normal for me and delving into chakra understanding. [And if all of this sounds weird, imagine being me!]

With all these reasons, I knew it was more than just a nervous system that could pick up all sorts of physical energy. I knew that HSP’s had a built in and seemingly involuntary system that picked up all spectrums of energy and waves of energy from the physical world into the metaphysical world.

The Seat of the Soul

I helped a friend move a couple of years ago so that when I would move November 2008, this book, Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, continued popping up within my eyesight. Because I usually have 5 or 6 books going at any one time, it would be noteworthy to mention the uniqueness of this book that had my reading it every day before my meditations and nap.

As it begins on the back of the book, “The Seat of the Soul is about the birth of a new species - and the explosion of human perception past the five senses,” it brings up the Highly Sensitive Person as a “Multisensory.”

That this book was published in 1989 and goes on to describe precisely why and what the Multisensory human is about, it is the closest spiritual or metaphysical rendition of the HSP I have seen that does not end with the HSP being “an overclocked central nervous system attractor.”

If anyone has related with being a Highly Sensitive Person (in an otherwise ”insensitive” world), I think that Gary Zukav willl introduce you into a whole new world with his book “The Seat of the Soul.”

Chapters entitled Evolution, Karma, Reverence and Heart from the Introduction section to the the section entitled Responsibility with chapters entitled Choice, Addiction, Relationships and Soul and the Power section with chapters called Psychology, Illusions, Power, and Trust, I knew it was a book that I had meant to read. It does not specifically use the term “HSP” but instead, uses the term “Multisensory” and I knew that as I read, it was precisely describing me and my friends.

Zukav discusses this evolution and how we, as multisensories, can come into our own.

The Insensitive World

It sometimes seems as if the world is not cut out for the more unique aspects of personalities that humans can possess. Seems “they” would rather we all fit into a nice cubbyhole cut and shaped the same size and preferably to *their* cut and size. Yes, I have noticed that people here tend to think so highly of themselves that they want everyone - and sometimes even expect! - to be like them!

The term “normal” is over-rated. It just means “fitting in” with that bell curve that comprises most people, and societal expectations would also have us believe that happiness exists in the *normal* area. Do you agree with this? Yes, in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs we all want Social Acceptance so we look for others like us. The more we deviate from “normalcy” the harder it is to find others “like us” so thank God for the internet being a free and open media for the most part!

I am also a big believer in Abraham Maslow so that when people do not have their most basic needs or wants met, they cannnot ascend to their next need or want.

As my example has often been… If I cannot get oxygen, I am not going to worry about whether I am hungry or not. Well, like the HSP living in a non-accepting or non-understanding world, if we do not get our necessary acceptance in some fashion, how will our self-esteem ever get to the point of being okay enough in order to reach our self-actualization and finally, get on with helping others who come after us? This was *my* process!

So it’s my duty to tell you that you may never find the acceptance you need as a *different* person from the *earth people* or *normal people.* I think it was once I accepted this in my heart, that I was able to do God’s work and go out on my own to seek others like me who would accept me. I know it sounds like I skipped a Maslow step but not really. :) I had a few people in my life who *did* accept me enough and to the extent that it was a sufficient start for my self-esteem to reverse from it’s “pride in reverse” status.

And just because you may not find the acceptance you want from certain “normal” people does not mean you have to be subjected to abuses by others. If you are like me and suffered at the whims of people either making fun of you or overtly going out of their way to seemingly make you feel less than, belittled or odd, then I suggest you spend some time at the Codependent recovery section in that you learn that just because you are different, does not give anyone license to berate or belittle you!

Or if you already know about Codependent Recovery but need help with knowing how to respond to some of the words people use, or caustic manners of their speech, I would advise looking at the Words can Harm category or see the Words can Harm. Words can Heal series.

You have the God given and God spirited right to be as unique and as different as you need to be. God has blessed people - some more than others - with an exceptionally large light and if we try to quench that light for the sake of other peoples’ perceptions and hurtful words, well, for me, I realized I was going against myself, my intuitive voice, God, and the “who I am”. It’s wrong to do this on a basic level, but for me, it was life-threatening as I turned to alcohol and other harmful substances in which to keep me numb.

I hope that if you are currently hurting yourself trying to *fit* and keep your light at a “low brightness” that you reconsider and realize the resources at your disposal in which to help you be the best that you were meant to be.

Solution: So the solution for the “abnormal” [HSP, multisensory, or any other different sort of person who deviates from that dreaded “normalcy” of the bell curve] is simply accepting that not all normal people will *fill your bucket.* Then, go out and find the ones who will. We do this as intelligent beings because we know that we have work to do and should waste no more time in trying to get “normies” to understand us. They just won’t.

It’s better for them if they *accept* us because it shows they have an evolved spirit, but for us to get true acceptance to the point we’re no longer insecure about the who we are, I believe it’s imperative for us to have constant contact with others like us. Others, like us, will be behind us growing on the path we have just walked and our experience can help them, just as there will be others further along on our same path we can turn to to ask for help. And that’s how it works!

We can find others by nurturing our friendships with those our intuitive voices tell us to gravitate toward, we can read authors who are “like us,” we can write of our own experiences [make a blog or a website or even longhand a letter or in your journal] so that we can communicate with our subconscious or other Highly Sensitives and feel what our subconscious is trying to tell us or get feedback from our HSP friends we meet on the internet.

2012 Connection?

Remember! Nothing happens by accident. The fact it is 2008 and the internet is freely available and that the Highly Sensitive / Multisensory / Indigo is evolving at this time and are being called to search out others is no accident. It is my belief our intuitive voice [our “God inside”] is precisely being activated now, for some reason.

I do not mean to go into vastly off and New-Age territory, as I know that’s a large pill for some [of us] to swallow, but in understanding what 2012 is *really* about and doing your own research, you can find the fascinating historical basis for the 2012 theories and also some of the more  specious hypotheses for what is allegedly going to happen on December 21 2012. Here is a Wikipedia link on 2012 and here are my 2012 tags I have compiled on Stumble. I would of course advise you to do your own research.

Here’s a brief synopsis from what I know: The ancient Mayans predicted 2012 as the end of time. Now what happens when this happens has not been solidifed. Does anything haappen? Were the Mayans wrong? Is there a conscious shift in humanity? I don’t know. But I do know that I have read theories that say the Indigo - a new type of spiritual being - has been put here in order to help the transition. [Transition of what? Souls? Evolve peoples’ minds or perceptions? To help *other* Indigos gain their footing in preparation for a future “not so insensitive world?”] I don’t know. I’m just speculating with what I have learned. Now, if you have anything to share on this, a comment is welcomed. :)

Conclusion

I want you to know that just because you may feel alone with your *gifts* you are not. Just because some people may not believe you or accept you due to your gifts, it does not mean you are less than. To the contrary.

Unlike us, many people in this world still think this material world is where it’s at. They are wrapped up in working or aquiring things, judging people, gossip, and all that other fluffy to negative stuff that make most multisensories quite ill. So when they judge or don’t accept you, think about the source of that judgement or non-acceptance.

Like speaks to like. The people who I really need to accept me, will. The people I don’t need to accept me, probably won’t. I have never had a problem knowing another person like me within the inside of 30 seconds. There is a reason you are repelled by some people - listen to your intuitive voice! There is equally a reason you are attracted to some people. Trying to contort yourself to get accepted by people who cannot possibly help to further your path is akin to running in the hamster wheel. And I think looking at it this way, can do good in re-positioning where your priorities need to be.

It’s my wish that we all learn the value of self-acceptance. It has been my experience that when we do accept ourselves completely, the opinions of people affect us less and less. Total freedom is being free from the opinions of other people and this is my goal. When I am achieving my goal, I can continue doing the good work that the God of my understanding / intuitive voice / highest self / spiritual self would have me do while not wasting my time on worldy endeavors.

Until next time.

Namaste my friends!

Tags: hsp, highly sensitive person, self-esteem, honor, self-respect, integrity, spiritual growth, codependency, lightworker, high sensitivity, insensitive people, insensitive world, mean people, mean people suck, boundaries, using your voice, making boundaries, what are boundaries, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, dis-ease, dis ease, emotional dis-ease, mitote, perceptions, perception is reality, manifesting, manifesting our existence, manifesting our-reality, metaphysical, metaphysics

The unfortunate consequence of my thinking this way often would lead to low blood sugar due to not eating, extreme lethargy and anger due to not sleeping, and even as a child, more than a few times, using the bathroom in my pants while standing up and in public.

The manifestations as an adult were often coupled with anger. I would never have admitted it at the time, but I would be angry at the person for not having read my mind. In fact, I would often even drop subtle cues like, “Gee. I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning.” or “the pee pee dance” or whatever the situation called for. I did it this way, not because I was manipulative, but because I had no voice.

From No or Little Voice to Developing my Voice 

Today I have a voice. Today my voice is usually strong. If I need something or I want something, I take care of it or, if appropriate, let someone know. I have the courage to ask for help when I need it and I have the courage to do what I need to do to take care of myself. It was not always this way.

As I endeavored upon my path of Codependent recovery - and if you’re reading this article, you are probably endeavoring as well - my voice grew. In fact, up until yesterday, if you would have asked me where these agreements came from that I could not ask for what I wanted or state what I needed or announce what I was going to do, I would have told you I did not know. My family of origin had alcoholic rules going on so mind-reading was the name of the game but outside of that, I think that societal expectations are key.

Societal Expectations

I said in another article that I think codependent dis-ease is the fastest spread of all socially unhealthy thought memes and I stand by it.

Codependency is a way of life. It’s not a mutant genetic formation. It’s not an organic disease. You probably can catch it since I’ve never seen anything spread faster than this warped view, but it’s probably more of a social dis-ease in the form of bad ideas spreading.

Especially today. Now. The bad news is that I am having some feelings of anger over socially induced “expectations” as well as the social dis-ease of “blaming and shaming.” The good news, is I get to share my process with others who may go through it as well as having an opportunity of letting people be where they need to be, and the always worthwhile “test” where I get to practice what codependent recovery has taught me! If you think I sound a little excited over feeling anger and insecurity, in the face of this, you would be right!  [Skip the below if gory details aren’t your cup o’ tea,]

What Happened: Today was a hard day for my beloved and I feel angry on behalf of him. I also feel angry on behalf of me. I also feel powerless to change some perceptions of manifested dis-ease and I even feel insecure at a deep level and, to be honest, wishing I was different. These yucky feelings were brought on because I chose - in the face of adversity - to “take care of myself” and to go to sleep while his parents were here.

My Defense: I even get angry, feeling I need to qualify myself and *justify* why it was okay for me to “take care of myself” in this manner. Watch how I do this; I have a condition called Epstein Barr to start with, that has me requiring sleep more than the average person. I have been known to share this openly with friends or people with whom I have softer boundaries. It’s usually no big deal and I only require a nap midday. [I think of myself as an old person - that’s it!] Then last night, for whatever reason, my insomnia kicked in and my brain would not shush down. So I got out of bed around 3:30 am and became productive. His parents woke around 7:00 and I got them coffee, we chatted, and then I helped them dry off the deck table and chairs whereupon I would come back to continue on solving a work-related mini-crisis.

At around 9:30 am it kicked in and my exhaustion had me dizzy and zoning out. Thank God that was my clue. Back in the old days I would have taken Vivarin or No-Doz and had a beer or 12. Not this time. This time I told my beloved I needed to go to sleep. This upset him and I knew why. His parents would require an answer. In fact, as it would turn out, his parents would not just require an answer, but an amendment. His parents would have expected I not go to sleep altogether. Not to mention his kid would, a few minutes later, start a marathon of screaming and crying. Everyone’s nerves were raw [except mine, as I was trying to sleep and even then being unsuccessful, due to her torrential screaming].

When I awoke around 2:30pm after finally gotten a few minutes of sleeping, he relays that there was a blow-out and his parents had said some stuff that invoked me and they don’t feel welcome because I always go to sleep either when we visit them or when they visit me. Anyway, they would leave in a self-righteous huff of anger.

What makes me further angry is that if I didn’t make them feel welcome, then what the hell is all my “running around” and trying to play hostess when I am awake, about? Why do I go with him to visit his parents in the first place? Why, if my effort is not received, do make an effort at all? You see? So that’s what happened and where I am emotionally.

Examples of Family of Origin or Societal Expectations and Thought Memes:

1. Saying please and thank-you
2. Not dancing or singing on a public street
3. Women subserviating to their husband or boyfriend
4. Women cook for their family
5. Men mow the lawn
6. Men fix the things around the house
7. Teaching kids to do as *you say* rather than *as you do*
8. Not openly discussing feelings
9. Teaching girls to be nice to all people
10. Family members having no boundaries with each other
11. Women should want to get married and have children
12. It’s natural for men to want to remain bachelors and child-free
13. Women should not have a lot of sex or else they’re promiscuous
14. Men should have a lot of sex or else they must be abnormal
15. Not taking a nap when company [family of your beloved] stays the weekend?

These are just a few that exist or have existed in my world. Do some of them exist in yours? With no judgments on these memes or expectations, can you see how some of them can be harmful in your life? Some may be benign, but I maintain we should look at every agreement we find ourselves adapting - from our family of origin to society - and re-evaluate it for its worth in our life. A social rule of etiquette is not exactly why I live. How about you?

My Societal Expectations Exam - Spiritual Growth Tests

So my anger and insecurity are teaching me that I have an opportunity to display what I know. In fact, recovery is never as fun when life is going smoothly is it? I mean, can’t we all stay stopped drinking - or refrained from harmful behaviors - when nothing remarkable is going on?

I am a big believer in “universal tests” and not the kind that fundamentalists say: “God’s testing you.” That’s a gob of bullshit right there. My loving god does not invoke pain upon me! Why does she need to? My ego needs to be cracked and shed for me to enjoy serenity and spiritual growth so isn’t it more fitting to say that my ego causes my pain and I take my spiritual lessons and then my spiritual exam so that I can finally pass? [ie, Win against my ego? Shed another layer of ego so to speak?]

Universal tests are those “opportunities” we have to exemplify what we have learned so that when we have shown we’ve mastered it, we can adopt yet another *Zen Master* as we move up the “dharma karma chain”.

Sanity in the Simplicity - Who is my Master?

It’s as simple as this. Who is my Master? Societal Expectations [ie, Ego/Material World] or a Loving God [ie, My Spirit/the Who I am?]

Will I choose to revert back to a “people-pleaser” and in doing so, risk relapsing back into drinking, anorexia, and pills to stay awake while simultaneously making society or other people my highest power as my spiritual life becomes once again thwarted? OR Will I make the choice to not become a “people-pleaser” and, instead, remain a spiritual seeker and “God pleaser” where my highest good is had within my Spirit as I continue to seek God’s will for me in all things? So basically: Man’s World or God’s World is the choice.

The Invocation

It’s a choice we all can make. It’s not as easy as it looks. It all looks nice, written down or reading it here in my article. And in reading this now you probably no longer feel alone, like I no longer feel alone in sharing it with you. But the facts are more difficult. The reality of choosing is a lot more severe with as deep as you go in developing your Spiritual Life. This is my truth and this is the truth of others who have gone before me. [Think of the Bible story of Job for example. Or think of Gandhi getting beaten while actively remaining true to his spirit. Or think of Martin Luther King. Or even think of Jesus.]

In the reality, though, we walk alone. And sometimes, can feel our most alone in doing it. We may even feel lonely in doing it…and in feeling that loneliness, may question if we’re really even on the right path. And in the face of people staring at us or accusing us or calling us names or making judgments, or even chaos, can you see how choosing our spiritual path / God / God’s will / our highest good / our intuitive voice is not always so easy?

Sometimes it’s clear and simple but that’s not the same as easy is it?

My friend said something I’d never heard of before and I thought it was lovely: “Courage is fear that’s said its prayers.” And this is what is required for us to begin or continue travelling our, often lonely, path. And not to become too maudlin, but this path is not as lonely as it seems at first. Yes, often you may be or feel alone while you stand in your truth amid many people or groups who are “shoulding” all over you, but there are others. We just have to find them! :) [I found some by creating my HSP group on Stumble! I have friends on Newsvine who are like me. I go to 12 step recovery meetings! God, I believe, when we begin looking, will put others in our path who will teach us, mentor us, or even befriend or validate and affirm us! We just have to not remain in fear and open our eyes!]

But what about when People hate that I follow my Spirit?

Codependent recovery as well as Alcoholism recovery and every other 12 step recovery process teaches us that we’re powerless over other people. Now let’s not go extreme here. We’re not powerless when people come into our home and disrespect us. We’re not powerless over having friendships with people who dishonor us time and time again. Basically, do not confuse this to mean you don’t have any power *in* a relationship. The thought is there to teach us that we may not ultimately have power over other people, so that we can focus on what we *do* have power over, and that is ourselves.

If other people have anger about our doing what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves, it seems to me, then, that they are angry because we’re either not living up to their expectations, or they’re angry that they are powerless over us. In my world view oriented toward spiritual growth, both of these reasons are born and bred of dis-eased thinking. And this is the social dis-ease I have a problem with. This thought that has grown popular that we have power over other people or that we somehow should have power over other people.

Examples of expressions reflecting this popular social dis-ease:

1. “What is wrong with you?” [Shaming, blaming mechanism.]
2. “You should stay awake when my parents visit.” [Shoulding rhymes with shitting.]
3. “You shouldn’t do that.” [Why not? Who says? But it’s healthy for me.]
4. “You shouldn’t think that or feel that way.” [Why not? Who says? But I do.]
5. “You made me angry.” [Blaming you for their feelings. Expecting you to solve them.]
6. “It’s your fault that we…” [Blaming. Not taking responsibility for their own feelings, wants or needs.]
7. “This is not normal.” [Way too many weird things for me to pick just one here!]
8. “You are not normal.” [Shame, judging, labels.]
9. “If you loved me at all you would…” [Emotional blackmail is manipulation.]
10. “You need to…” or “You have to…” [Why? The real truth is all we have to do is die eventually.]

These statements are each reflecting dis-ease when said in the context of trying to control someone.

I think a lot of it comes from childhood. I really do. It comes from childhood, due to a child’s natural lack of autonomy. And also, maybe, due to the fact that if the child screams, cries, or yells and blames that she will eventually get what she wants. So as children we learn that we’re at the whims of our parents or adults, right? And to get what we want we have to throw fits. Our parents maybe used shaming techniques on us. Maybe we overhear them blaming the world. It’s natural we’d grow up to mimic that *authority* we view as *normal* and *correct.*

So when any of these statements are made, I know more about that person than they will ever know about me. I know this because they’re so self-involved with how everyone does things *wrong* that they lack the spiritual understanding necessary to see where their discomfort really comes from. [Hint: Their own mitote. Their own views. Their own needs and wants. These ideas have nothing to do with me, yet these people will blame me for not merging into their worldview of “propriety” or “normal” rather than taking responsibility for it being their world view.]

As well as myself, I have friends who tried hard to *be normal* and fit in with this world view that society is their higher power. Simultaneously trying to diminish or hide their own creativity and uniqueness, that they hid who they were “during the day” and drank or drugged or self-mutilated at night. Numbing up that voice in their head that *shoulded* and *shamed* them all day was the only way they knew how to gain a respite from the shackles of the world.

We gain our “normal” world view as children. We learn to associate authority with “correctness.” And who in our world has bothered to ever correct that perception? So when a child says, “You made me angry” instead of “I’m angry” we understand where that comes from - because the child actually does lack resources in which to understand her feelings are her own. But as she grows up, if she is not taught differently, she will be stuck in this dis-ease. She will outwardly continue to try to conform while her insides remain dispirited. How do I know this is dis-ease? Because if we really do expect the world to conform to us, we will forever be miserable, addicted, alcoholic, workaholic, controlling… Or we’ll kill ourselves to escape the lie we can’t seem to rise above.

So, when our family or friends or even strangers seem to have a problem with what we are doing, let them have it! [The problem, that is!] It’s their problem, why would you want to pick it up and take responsibility for it? You are simply doing what you need or want to do while here, following your path. You’re listening to your intuitive voice or following your spirit. You, my dear, are taking care of yourself! So, if valuing your parents opinions over your life and you can never seem to please them - have you counted the times you tried bending over backwards? - then why don’t you go on ahead and examine how that’s working for you? If not working too well, then what’s better? Feeling bad because you can’t be “good” or “normal” enough no matter how you try and bend over backwards trying to pretend to be how they think you ought? Or feeling at least good enough about living in your own skin and happy in your spirit even though you may feel momentarily sad that, this too, they disapprove of?

So for people who may hate that I follow my spirit, that is too bad. :) In fact, if they use it to their advantage, they may begin evolving as well because ”When I am taking care of myself to the best of my ability, you cannot help but to take care of yourself.” In this, they have an opportunity to grow. But for others, they will simply sink lower in trying to exert more control or play the martyr or stay drunk. At least, though, you are giving them the opportunity of choice! In short, by bending over backwards and playing up to dis-eased thinking, we do no one any favors; Most of all, ourselves. 

How to Evolve to follow my Spirit - Rise

An evolved or evolving spirit who recognizes this world for the dis-ease it has, realizes that every person here is to be honored for the path they are on. They will probably also recognize that people are not only entitled but should be encouraged to continue following along their own spiritual growth! A person recovering from dis-ease of this world did not get here by accident.

In my experience, no one has ever woken up one morning and said, “Oh hey! Trying to conform to the world is misery because it’s all based on a lie - an illusion! I think I’ll change and evolve above that!” That would be nice and maybe it’s happened with some…but even the Buddha had to take notice of what was going on the world before he began his journey to enlightenment. For me, it happened with my alcoholism and subsequent codependent issues.

So that when I gave up drinking because my life was guttered and I was afraid of ending in suicide, I knew then I had to make some life changes. Not outward ones; internal ones. The biggest one was releasing my old ideas. That meant re-evaluating every one that caused me distress in some way. The natural side effect is that my internal ideas naturally change my external ways of doing things - and yes, often at the chagrin and displeasure of family, other people or society. But I have a saying: “Keep up or get out of the way.” Those are their only choices because a human will not hinder me today. I will rise.

I talk about concepts like “mitote” and “re-evaluating my former agreements” and it’s because of The Four Agreements. There are other books - and even some more spiritually adept - but this is the book that I read after I became involved with alcoholic recovery. There is probably no need to buy the book if you follow my articles, because since the concepts became seeded and eventually took root in me, there is nothing I can discuss or be a part of that will not have some of the concepts of this book coming out.

It was after this book and a year of alcoholic recovery that I would become a part of Codependent Recovery by way of the Twelve Steps. And besides other outside literature dealing with spiritual matters, I would then seek out the wisdom of Melody Beattie, a woman who also having been an alcoholic mess, began her own journey of healing from the opinions and whims of other people. And again I have to say, because the concepts were planted inside of me and took root, little will I say or ways I behave that will not have it’s origination in codependent recovery.

Begin Taking Care of Yourself 

So we Rise. Sometimes Quickly. Sometimes Slowly. But we Rise.

We take care of ourselves because no one is as invested in our own serenity, usefulness, and happiness as we are. We take care of ourselves because our path is individual and someone else on a different path may be stunted and we do not want to follow them, knowing that if we do, we will be stunted. We gain courage by recognizing that fear is normal when we’re about to embark on change but that we can feel the fear and do it anyway! We will understand that sometimes we may feel alone and even often lonely but know that though we may walk our path sometimes alone, we are never truly alone; There are others walking this path too.

We understand that agreements in this life can change anytime we need to; Anytime we realize these agreements have quit working or never did. We acknowledge and get that there will be people in this life who disagree with our path and though it may be disappointing or even hurt, we rise anyway.

Until Next Time.

Namaste.

Codependent material and books at my bookstore

Tags: codependent recovery, taking care of ourselves, expectations, being controlled, shyness, developing my voice, developing your voice, spiritual path, spirituality, four agreements, melody beattie, codependency, intuitive voice, most important person, mitote, control freaks, controlling people, saying no