::samutsaringjokes::

A laugh a day ...

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 04:04:00 +0000

Something to make you SMILE

I was browsing through my files looking for office reports I did few years ago for my new report but instead I chance upon this file and it made my day.
I like number 7 and number 10 the most but number 14 what can I say uh oh…
Hope you enjoy reading and share which one you like the most.

Read More

Headaches - possible causes

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 05:56:00 +0000

I was having frequent migrain attacks lately. I am not sure what was causing it.

Sometimes I think it's because of the failed relationships that I had. But I guess it's not the real reason cause they all ended up nicely and I have moved on.

So I thought I'll just a doctor to be sure what was causing it.

After going through several process, still the doctor cannot find the cause.

Then the good doctor suggested if I will agree, that he will cut my skull open to see what inside my head that is causing the frequent headache.

Out of desperation I agreed

The findings shocked not only the doctor and me but most of the people observing the operation.

click here to see the result

Funny Photos

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 08:58:00 +0000

The best way to train your eyes and brain.

A better alternative if you can't go to a firing range.

This looks yummy

I just found this funny photos on a desktop of a pc so I can't place a source. Just comment and I'll gladly add the credit to the owner.

Tuesday Vargas - Funny, verstile and focused @UNO Convention

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 04:59:00 +0000

Tuesday Vargas with Butch and Benjie is very funny but versatile and a very intelligent comedian @ UNO Convention held at Cuneta Astrodome on October 24, 2010. Benjie and Butch were also very funny and the trio will take you off your seats. Though they make the night full of fun and laughter, they were able to introduce the business and the products very clearly and make you excited and look forward to another healthful items for personal use and for profit.

Here are some videos of the fun part.

Part 1

Part 2

The Show Must Go On

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 09:10:00 +0000

This is what you call a true profesional. The show must go on no matter what happen.
Watch the video below and see for yourself. enjoy.

.

Happy Father's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 12:21:00 +0000

Happy Father's Day to all Daddy out there.

Every third Sunday of June is FATHER'S DAY. The rest is Other's Day.

Happy Other's Day to all Afterwards.

The far side of JM

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 03:37:00 +0000

Remember the matinee idol Jovit Moya. He appeared in ’80s and ’90s movies like Black Magic, Zaldong Tisoy and Mario Sandoval. A mainstay on the hit television series That’s Entertainment, there was a time that Jovit Moya was a household name. Here is a collection of his funny side he posted in the internet.

Back in the day our english teacher was teaching on grammatical person. Then she asked: "If I say 'our beautiful teacher has a handsome and rich boyfriend', what person is speaking Jovito?" I replied "A delusional lunatic ma'am".......... did someone say "detention"?

Is it just me or does anyone else notice that there must be some kind of movie rule wherein everytime they have a scene involving grocery bags there must be french bread in them?!?!

Went to my neighbor for tea one day and his 6yr old son Sean was drawing. I said: what are you drawing kiddo? he holds up a the piece of paper and said "its an octopus!! its got 8 testicles!!" His dad and I couldn't stop laughing!!!

In my youth I spent some time in a small town called Sotorribas, in Spain. one day my schoolmate and I were late for different reasons. The teacher asked: Santos de Saavedra why are you late? Santos replied "my horse stopped and laydown in the middle of the road, I was helpless" teacher rolls her eyes and says: Jovito ...Moya why are u late? I replied: stuck in traffic mam there was a horse in the middle of the road!!

Just realized that his Blackberry is not part of his anatomy... and its ok to set it down and be separated from it once and a while...

When I was about 12 my teacher asked me what my idea of an ideal school was. My answer..."burned to the ground, miss". ....... did someone mention the word detention!?!

Whenever my wife used to tell me to sweep the house, I would sit on the sofa, tea cup in hand, legs crossed and I would sweep my eyes from right to left, and back again from left to right! Complied!!!
I got invited to my neighbors party, and his son asked him: Daddy!! daddy!! How does it feel to be ugly? dad says: I dunno son never got to experience that, why don't you run over to grandma (wifes mom) and ask her... she knows a lot about that.

Some years ago as a Captain, transfered to a new camp. The only housing available for me was at the bachelor officers quarters. As luck would have it,everyday, a rooster owned by an NCO would perch on the wall separating the BOQ and the NCOQ and crow at 5am. After a week of this madness I decided I was going to have chicken for lunch and a good nights sleep!

I was at the mall today and a mother and child were arguing: mommy please buy it! NO!! mom I'm old enough to wear it! I SAID NO! but mom I'm 15 and I should be wearing one. my friends all wear them. DAMMIT RICHARD FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME I'M NOT BUYING YOU A BRA!!!

Before I got married my wife did the talking and I listened, after we got married I talked and she listened, 2 years into the marriage we both talked and the neighbors listened!!

When I was 10 I told my 12yr old neighbor Anne that she was ugly, and she cried. My Mom and Anne's mom were having coffee at the time,they overheard us and my mom said "that's not nice, now go up to her and say you're sorry!" so I went up to Anne and said "Anne...I'm sorry you're that ugly".

Everytime I drive past this signboard for bathroom fixtures I end up laughing: "SAVE THE TREES.... USE A BIDET"

Many years ago as a teenager wanting to join the service, I knew I had to become an officer, because I had a problem with authority...... If I wasn't the authority then there was a problem!!!

When I was a young boy my teacher asked me 2+2? I counted my fingers and said 4. She asked me to keep my hands behind me and asked 4+4, I felt my fingers and said 8. This time she wasn't too pleased with my use of fingers, she said put your hands in your pockets 5+5, I felt around and said "11".

The secrets to my staying young are: having lots of exercise, eating very healthy foods, removing all stress, deep breathing, having lots and lots of sex...... and most importantly ...lying about my age!

I used to own a Rottweiler, mans best friend, one day while waiting at the vets he looked at me and had that look that said "what kind of best friend would have his buddies testicles removed"... and so... we got up and left!

My neighbors daughter asked me... "my dady is a male, my mommy is a female, so...what's an email?"

Is it just me or does anybody else notice that the older we get, the more reading we do during bowel movement sessions. Hell! In a few more years I might just finish an entire novel in one sitting!

When I was in the service it always surprised me how the semestral rifle or pistol profficiency would always get cancelled, however, the bi-annual PFT never got cancelled. Apparently the Generals wanted a force that couldn't shoot but could run fast!

Back in the day when I was part of the command staff, I usually ran the operation plans by my 5 and 7 year old neighbors. For some reasons the kids always found the damn flaws in the plans that adults missed!

Back in the day when I was still a young lieutenant, our firebase was attacked by insurgents... and I still remember the last words the Major said to me: "what duck?"

Has anybody else here, besides me, ever tried to spit while riding on a roller coaster?

Many years ago when I was in the service, I once had a job wherein I was tasked to find a miniscule sign of intelligence in the intelligence reports!!

I remember when I was 12 my teacher asked me to name 3 famous ancient greeks... I said... Pericles!... Sophocles!... and... uh...umm.... Testicles??

Having been in the service, one of the most useful religious teachings I found most apt for the battlefield is: "it is better to give than to receive."

Why am I frowning today? Because it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and my face needs the exercise damn it!

I always enjoy giving a parting fart as I exit a crowded elevator

my doctor recommends I get a lot of cardio workouts! sex is a cardio workout....

A few years ago I was on a C-5 transport and the female tech sargent announced the usual crap and the name of the pilot. I said: did I hear you right the pilot is female? -TSGT: yes sir its an all female crew sir. I said: wow must be an interesting cockpit. TSgt:we don't call it a cockpit anymore sir its the "box office" now.

Its amazing how much time we spend infront of the TV... for some of us the TV really does rule our lives, time will come when a man will get up from the couch and the TV, like a nagging wife, would say: "dont you turn your back on me". I told my neighbor once that reading is food for the brain, and now he watches TV in... mute, reading the closed captioning instead.

My dear friends, in the stressful world we live in, many people have forgotten how it is to relax... and so this week i suggest to you dear friends... smile, relax, take a deep breath...... go out for pizza and have some sex?............ What????.... you don’t like pizza?

I sometimes get annoyed when I hear the people say the over used phrase... "beauty is only skin deep" well helloooo!!??? How franckin deep do they want it?? ... Up to my liver???

My friends, more than half the troubles we experience in
life are brought about by none other than ourselves. Most of our
experiences happen because of our thoughts, desires, and actions. For a
simpler life my Father used to say: "Don't trouble trouble if trouble
isn't troubling you"... and so my friends... have a trou...ble free
day!

Everyone grows old... but for me old age will always be any number 20 years more than my age!

Some years ago I won a battle over stress & worry with the help of my Rottweiler, THOR. And the formula was simple, handle every stressful situation like a dog...If you can't eat it or play with it, Just pee on it and walk away. I know some of you can't help worrying, but I say to you my freinds, worrying can't help yo...u either. So think like a dog and smile my friends!

I believe in earning through hard work, so I will drive 60 miles to get a lottery ticket

I swear some parents now days are just plain IDIOTS!!! They should pass a breeding law that would limit couples to one child per 75 parental I.Q. points!!

The problem with treating everyday like a weekend is that you get so bored shitless during the actual weekends!!

One of the most valuable things I learned as a cadet which is still applicable today: Never be first, never be last, and never ever volunteer for anything!!!

In life.. at times I feel lost... and I always turn and find refuge in the words of my favorite famous philosopher, Homer............. "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand" --(Homer Simpson)

Every time I watch the late night news.. theres this one thing I really dont get... its this thing called AIR QUALITY WARNING... jeez.. what the hell are we supposed to do... hold our breath???

In a perfect world paid sick days would include the days when you're sick of work...

why is it that everytime I get on the motorway I suddenly need to pee!!! damn!!!

Its annoying to see those electronic signs that show your speed.... If the state really wants to slow us down.... well.... they should display the cost of the ticket. "Your speed is ... $150."

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I watched the Golded Compass all over again.... and have come to the conclusion that if I ever had an animal spirit... mine would be Garfield.. and he would lay down and be lazy all day...!

as I lay down in deep thought for an hour I began to see the stars, the planets, galaxies, the universe!!!... and a question came to me.... where the hell did the ceiling go!?!?

.

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Some sort of Discrimination

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Tue, 18 May 2010 01:44:00 +0000

I think this is some sort of discrimination. When I type the word "why" in google.com.ph search box, this is what appears.

see for youself and go ahead and try it.

Vote Wisely

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Thu, 06 May 2010 03:50:00 +0000

Bakit kaya hindi tumakbo si "WISELY" ngayon eleksyon. hindi ko na sya naririnig ngayong kampanyahan. Sya pa naman ang paborito ko.

More Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 03:17:00 +0000

Daming Jokes…

Sa Math Class…
Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito,
ilang piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hinati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!
============ ========= =========
SA BAKERY.
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba , sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto
pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?
============ ========= =========
Honeymoon:
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!
============ ========= =========
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b
talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!
============ ========= =========
Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan…
Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang
mahaba sa gitna nito…
BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon. Tumatae na ako.
============ ========= =========
BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman…
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!
============ ========= =========
NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?
=========
FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you’ll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class
=========
things you don’t want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
=========
inspiring quote of the day:
“hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan
ko.”
=========
BOY: I know we are also matter we can’t occupy the same space at the
same time. Kaya aalis na lang ako.
GIRL: bakit ganun para tayong mga parallel lines, why can’t we meet
at the same point?
BOY: your verbs and actions are not correct that’s why all of the
subjects are affected.
GIRL: ayoko na. you’ve reached my boiling point. And now my heart is
getting to its freezing point!
=========
‘dear te, dear te, dear te!!!’
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
=========
MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you’re pretty ugly.
=========
TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma’am! Ako ma’am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.
=========
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to
such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I’m so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe
=========
BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
=========
DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
==========
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?
==========
Why God invented menopause:
Once upon a time, a 70 year old woman gave birth.
BISITA: pwedeng makita ang baby mo?
MOM: mamaya na.
30 minutes after.
BISITA: pwede na bang makita?
MOM: oo, pero hintay muna tayo na umiyak kasi nakalimutan ko kung
saan ko linagay.
===========
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under
economic crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
===========
Sexy girl nagkukumpisal:
PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko
mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
PARI: ‘tang ina! Di nga?

===========
TEACHER: ano ang pambansang ibon?
BOY: chicken?
TEACHER: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
TEACHER: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
TEACHER: get out!
===========
when your lips are silent and your eyes are closed and your ears are
deaf. It only means one thing. May discount ka sa jeep. Disabled ka
‘tol, disabled!
===========
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to
make at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million
each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and
make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
“but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window
and make all the Filipinos happy?”
============
a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess
with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a
German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on
Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes.
An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This
message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled
from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.
============
1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu..
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.
============ =
MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na
lang po!
============ =
kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga
chuva eke k.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever!
Na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
============
Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at
sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child
support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na
niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng
face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta
kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
============
Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
“uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir!
apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!…. ……
============
eto ang banat na malupet.
GUY: miss, pinaglihi ka ba sa inidoro?
GIRL: bakit?
GUY: kasi ako pinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, di ko mapigilang
mahulog!
============
pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo, hao hao de chenelyn de
big yuten. Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng
chenes! Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na
mafute, chuk chak chenes namo ek ek.
-yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat!
============
imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng
lola mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa
brainwaves. Wit na.
Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot
afford to luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin
yung mga julaban! Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga
chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng gow!
============
BOY1: nkakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!
============
a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
============
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing
sa dugo’t pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
============
BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always
asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
============
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
============
STUDENT: ma’am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman
ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
============
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
============
why was white chocolate invented? So little black kids could have
dirty faces too!
============
isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
============
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
============
sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
============
sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon
minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
============
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
============ =
DEATH of MR.BEAN’S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
============ =
NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak ” LEON ” baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
============ =
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
============ =
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 … only.
============ ==
MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating
anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
============ ==
NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!
============ ==
SA OSPITAL…..
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
============ ==
ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.
============ ==
sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan
para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!
============ ==
sa loob ng mall….
GUY: love, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
JOWA: ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since.
============ ==
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang
tarantado!
============ ==
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh!
Anong sabi?
ANAK: ‘you only have zero pesos in your account…’ hindi ko na
tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
============ ==
nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita
niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
============ ==
ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!
============ ==
thought to ponder:
hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya
lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingi mo?
============ ==
HISTORY 101:
JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT
SPA.
============ ==
PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
============ ==
paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak..
(palakpakan)
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
(palakpakan)
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! “GO NAY!!”
============ ===
may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya,
‘kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?’ sumagot ako, ‘mahal ka
diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.’
============ ===
kung totoo ang ‘ Darwin ’s theory of evolution’ na ang tao ay
nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
============ ===
DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali
sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
============ ====
ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8
slices?
ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.
============ ====
SALESGIRL: sir, you can’t smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn’t mean you can f*ck
here.
============ ====
AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there’s no need to ARG.
============ ===
pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without
hurting his feelings?
“ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?”
============ ===
what’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you are eating? pag
nakita mong kalahati na lang ang worm.
============ ===
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
============ ===
Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa
starbucks:
GIRL: my God, you’re so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . .
where do you. . . san ka ba galing?
============ ===
ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng
basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming
babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto.? Tambay pare, tambay

Philippine Game Show Questions and Answers

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 05:05:00 +0000

Philippine Game Show Questions and Answers

Stupid answers to game show questions, Battle of the Brains where
contestants answer simple questions. It's just hilarious sometimes
that even the simplest questions bring forth the funniest answers! The
Top Stupid Answers To Game Show Questions:

1. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?"

A: "Umiilaw!"

3. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao?

A: "Humanitarian? "

4. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga."

A: "Ninja?"

5. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?"

A: "Sunog!"

6 Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie."

A: "Willie da pooh!"

7. Q: "Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?"

A: "Hindunesia? "

8. Q: "Anong hayop si King Kong?"

A: "Pagong!"

9. Q: "Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?"

A: "Canadia!"

11. Q: "Kumpletuhin - Little Red."

A: "Ribbon!

12. Q: "Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin."

A: "Tinga!"

14. Q: "Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?"

A: "Pag balita?"

15. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?"

A: "Baby oil?"

16. Q: "Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?"

A: "Sweetserland? "

17. Q: "Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?"

: "Godzilla?"

18. Q: "Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?"

A: "Sadista?"

20. Q: "Blank is the best policy."

A: "Ice tea?"

22. Q: "Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?"

A: "Sa likod!"

23. Q: "Fill in the blanks - Beauty is in the eye of the ____."

A: "Tiger?"

24. Q: "Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?"

A: "Saging!"

25. Q: "Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?"

A: "Baliw!"

26. Q: "Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?"

A: "Kamag-anak! "

27. Q: "Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?"

A: "Sa motel?"

28. Q: "Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?"

A: "Cold water!"

29. Q: "Sinong cartoon character ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?"

A: "Si scooby dooby doo?"

30. Q: "Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka. "

A: "Operadang bakla?"

31. Q: "Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?"

A: "Madami!"

32. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?"

A: "Abnormal!"
.

Packs of Condom

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 13:32:00 +0000

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

Interesting Facts 4

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:31:00 +0000

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this FACTS will try to lick their elbow..

Anne Curtis Nipple Slip Swimsuit Malfunction ASAP Photo and Video in Boracay Scandal

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 04:41:00 +0000

Ann’s pretty face posted here hopefully reminds us that this sweet young lass is begging for people to stop spreading her photo and video scandal of the swimsuit slip incident. The girl suffered much from the scandal wildfire, it was not her fault the bikini decided to slip and she’s begging the public please, so….

Looking for Ann Curtis’ photo and video of her swimsuit nipple slip and malfunction at ASAP’s taping in Boracay? Sorry to disappoint you, you won’t find it here.

The Two Nuns

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 06:00:00 +0000

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

(And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys! ).

HEAVEN AND HELL

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:43:00 +0000

(I got this from my-email it's a nice one about campaigning and election)

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Philippine Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Filipino people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today, you voted.."

The Human Body

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 03:45:00 +0000

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

What is Politics ?

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 17:31:00 +0000

Son: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?”

Father: “Sure son, what’s the question?”

Son: “What is politics?”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you the people. We’ll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand?”

Son: “I’m not really sure, dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night, awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid’s room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning:

Son: “Dad, now I think I understand politics.”

Father: “That’s great son, explain it to me in your own words.”

Son: “Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.”.

Never Lie To Your MOM

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 15:20:00 +0000

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner…..who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Kumar’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Kumar volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Sunita came! to Kumar saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Kumar said ,”Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Sunita, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow…

Love,

Mom.

Lesson of the day:

Don’t Lie to Your Mother…… …..

*thanks tpc

Kids Stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 12:29:00 +0000

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, “They will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl th! ought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would ru! n into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted,”Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Just for Laugh

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:50:00 +0000

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I ‘d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”

Father to son after exam: “let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”..
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”
He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”

Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”
Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”

“Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?”
Answer: “Because people started licking the wrong side.”

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from h ead to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

Doctor to his lady patient: “You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?”
Lady replied: “Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.”

Hot Bath

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:28:00 +0000

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

Between the sexes - The Real Difference Between Men and Women ...

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 12:11:00 +0000

Elsa: I noticed in this article that men become bald because of the intense activity of their brains.
Joseph: That's true, and I also notice that women do not grow beards because of the intense activity of their chins!

***

A husband and wife entered the dentist's room. The man said, "I want a tooth pulled. We are in a hurry - so no anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out."
"You are a brave man,” said the dentist. "Now open your mouth and show me the tooth."
The man turn to his wife and said "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

***

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

***

“I thought you were going to marry Luisa? You said it was love at first sight.”
“Yes it was – but on the second and third sights, I change my mind.

***

A lady involved with the women’s lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. “Oh No, you must not give up your seat. I insist,” she said.
The man replied; “You may insist as much as you like, Miss,” “But there is my place so I have to get off.”

*********************************

CIA Assasin

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 14:26:00 +0000

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Funny Pictures 1

noreply@blogger.com (Mannoy) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:42:00 +0000

Afraid of the Gun Ban

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