1- Give your children choices. Children have a need to feel competent and capable so when you give them choices you empower them. They will not feel the need to create a power struggle to feel competent.

2- Prepare your children for what to expect. Remember that children have very little control over their lives, parents and the teachers and the coaches make a lot of the decisions. When you let them know what is expected, you give them a sense of control.

3- Set simple rules that you reinforce firmly and daily. Clarity and simplicity are essential as well as consistency and clear and firm limits.

4- Instead of feeding into your children frustrations, try to reorient their focus. Distract them with a game, a favorite toy, or a story.

5- Avoid raising your voice. If you yell, your child may just yell louder. Children have access to the more reactive/primitive part of the brain and need you to teach them to access the part of their brain that is more reflexive. To do so, you need to be firm and calm.

6- When children get worked up, sometimes it’s best to give them time to calm down and then make your request or discuss the important or emotionally charged topic.

7- Be open to try something new if your usual ways to deal with tantrums no longer works. As your children develop, your parenting skills must develop with them.

8- It’s natural for children to test and push boundaries. Explain that your rules are meant to protect her/him. Be firm and consistent.

9- Wait until everyone’s temper has cooled down before deciding on any punishment. Make sure it’s mild and instructive. Express empathy as they are experiencing consequences for poor choices.

10- Once the child has calmed down, talk about what happened and teach him soothing techniques and problem solving skills to deal with it more skillfully next time. Listen carefully if your child shares any thoughts and feelings.

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D, LMFT
www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

These questions are critical for depressed people as depression is connected to their thoughts, beliefs and worldviews. Learning to recognize that things might not be as they seem is an essential step on the road to recovery from depression! Developing a questioning spirit is a key starting point to recovery as it facilitates self-reflection.

Self-reflection requires us to pause, examine our experience, and not give in to the negative strengthened habits of our mind. It allows us to look at our thinking and relationship patterns without judgment or self-justification but rather with honesty. It fosters flexible thinking and open mindedness which are essential ingredients of change. Developing flexibility in one’s thinking can bring consistent incremental changes to one’s thoughts, attitudes and life. Although flexible thinking is the opposite of rigid thinking it does not mean that the integrity of conviction is not the same.

Our mind can make a lot of stories. Every time you are stressed out, fearful, or depressed your mind is making a story and you may have trained yourself to believe what your mind is telling you. Stories are not grounded in reality but in imagination. Learning to recognize what is true from what is not true. This is one of the most critical things you can do for your life, wellbeing and your relationships!

A qualified professional therapist will help you develop effective strategies for dealing with your negative, ruminative thoughts. You can start today in making positive changes in your thinking.

Adapted from a book by Dr. Yapko

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

You need first to be aware of the problem. Everyone’s view of the world is different. Some perceive the world as a place of opportunity, other see it as a place of doom and gloom and others somewhere between on the continuum. It is all a question of perspective. This means that if you choose to change your perspective, you change your thoughts and ultimately, you change the world you are living in.

Then, you need to identify circumstances or areas of life where you are vulnerable to negative thoughts. Usually we think positively in the areas of life where we feel confident about our abilities and think negatively in the areas where we feel vulnerable.

You also need to train yourself to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Remember, it is training. It does not change immediately or suddenly but over time. Slowly introduce new improved thoughts that challenge the negative ones.

You don’t have to do it alone! You are not alone! A qualified professional therapist will help you develop effective strategies for dealing with your negative, destructive thinking patterns. You can start today in making positive changes in your thinking.

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net
 

For example, instead of saying: “When you spend so much time at work and with your friends and are exhausted and ready to fall asleep each time you come home I feel hurt and neglected, and not valued” they choose to say “You are so selfish! You are so insensitive!” The first comment gives the other partner the opportunity to honor the hurt person’s feelings and own their actions in the situation and apologize. The second comment is a judgment statement and often involves anger and contempt. 

Judging and condemning are terribly powerful! They penetrate into the most vulnerable areas of our heart. They strike at the core of who we are. They hurt so deeply and separate.

Sometimes these reasons are also exactly why some choose to rely on it. However, the hurt one is sure to counterattack because being judged and condemned brings anger that will very likely escalate to contempt. This explains why condemnation as a strategy for helping someone to understand your perspective and change will fail every time.

The decision to neither give nor receive judgment and condemnation from the other is a freeing one. It can facilitate openness and vulnerability and transform relationships. If one does not want to damage relationships, it is critical to not lash out judgmentally but rather learn to express feeling when hurt.

-  Give up anger and contempt – half of the battle is won here!

- Avoid wanting to be right – it creates distance!

- Avoid comparing yourself – that leads to judging!

- Be slow to anger – anger seeks to hurt and it leads often to condemn the other one!

- Choose to protect the relationship and respect your partner – it promotes closeness and togetherness!

- Remember judgment and condemnation is an attack – it’s an assault upon the one condemned!

- Choose to develop a spirit of grace and forgiveness – have the courage to express your feelings of hurt

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT

www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

- Think about depression in realistic ways that actually empower you to overcome it. Don’t think of it in terms of genetics but rather in terms of thinking, problem solving, relational skills and emotional skills that you can develop!

- Have realistic expectations of others! Assess people and situations accurately to avoid disappointment.

- Stop the ruminative, repetitive, anxious, and depressing thoughts and learn to develop constructive thinking skills.

- Learn to interact with others without diffusing your negativity, or absorbing theirs. You may not know how to do it yet but you can learn.

- If you are not already satisfied with the state of your relationships, develop a motivating plan to improve them, gain some perspective, and even get some help.

- Please reduce your children’s vulnerability to depression by getting some help for yourself and possibly for them as well.

- Develop a healthy support system by building close and supportive relationships that support and fulfill you.

- Do not get overwhelmed by these suggestions but get the help you need even if you are thinking “why bother!”

Adapted from a book by Dr. Yapko

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT

www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

Depression doesn’t just affects you. Depression affects every one of this person interactions with others. It affects destructively marriages, families, work environments, and communities.

While commonly prescribed drugs address some of depression’s symptoms, they cannot change the social factors that cause and perpetuate the condition. Drugs can’t protect your relationship from depression, but learning effective thinking/problem solving skills, relational skills and healthy ways to handle emotions can help you manage and overcome it (Yapko, 2009). In some of his latest research on the placebo effect Irving Kirsch helps us understand that what is effective in drugs used to treat depression is not the active ingredient. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zihdr36WVi4

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMF

www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT

www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT

www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net