scribbles of a completely sane woman

imo ego irascor

2012-01-10T15:19:00.001+02:00

I am angry. I think I was born angry, but that is beside the point. I am angry.

Angry with every single one of you who believes it is ok to steal oxygen and contribute duck all to the world. And every single one of you who believes it is ok to raise your hand to another living creature - human or otherwise - in anger. And those of you who believe it is perfectly alright to inflict pain on others - human or otherwise - for your own enjoyment.

I am angry at you, yes you, who breaks promises. And you, who talks nasty behind someone else's back. And you, who uses words like 'gay' as an insult.

And you, motherfucker, who thinks your kid is yours to do with as you please.

And you, who knows that this is happening and does nothing. You piss me off most of all.

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ossa terra vs terra sanguine

2011-08-13T19:01:00.001+02:00

I've spent the past couple of years like a pendulum between the questions 'Should we stay' and 'Should we go'. And I think it is something many South Africans have contemplated over the past couple of years. But this is the country of my bones, where I was made, and for this reason, more than any other, we have decided, over and over, to stick it out - even when it seems like our own government no longer wants us here.

But my husband and I spent the last couple of weeks in Europe, and our minds were made up. As much as South Africa is the country of my bones, Germany is the country of my blood, of my soul. I stepped off the plane, and I had this sudden feeling of coming home. And even though my spoken German is beyond rusty these days, the language simply did not create a barrier. But there was something else.

Suddenly we were surrounded by people who were happy, content, in their every day lives. No signs of the daily fear and paranoia we live with in SA, not a sign of the aggression that we take for granted. Instead, we saw people on all walks of life content with life, happy to do their jobs - it wasn't a favour to anyone around them - and snug in a society that runs on trust rather than fear.

And this was an eye opener. We realised that we had been living in fear, but we could not grasp the extent of the fear that gripped up until we were removed from it. And suddenly we were immersed into a society that felt comfortable riding their bicycles to go shopping - and leave the shopping in the basket of the bicycle when at each stop, rather than carrying it all with in fear of it being stolen - and could enjoy the infrastructure of the first world, where everything works, and is maintained, and works for the people, not just a select few.

My mother and I always use the analogy of crayfish when talking about the South African public. When you cook crayfish, you boil them alive slowly in a pot, slowly turning up the heat so they don't notice until it is too late. And that really is how the South African public is being treated. We keep telling ourselves everything will be ok, everything will turn out fine, it isn't really that bad here, and the rest of the world has problems too.

I honestly cannot think of another country where everything really is all right where 55 people are murdered every single day of the year. I no longer think it is normal to live in prisons, and be too afraid to go out after dark in your own neighbourhood. I no longer think it is acceptable to live in fear, to not know the neighbours, to believe that it is ok that our own government promotes racist behaviour towards specific groups of people. It really isn't ok.

So, it has been decided that my family and I will return to the land of my blood, leaving the land of my bones behind. And we will make some sacrifices initially, but we believe it will pay off long-term.

mendacia audimus

2011-07-24T09:59:00.001+02:00

"But better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie."
— Khaled Hosseini

I don’t know about you, but I really hate being lied to. I cannot stand the thought of the truth being kept from me, and I would far rather be briefly upset by the truth than to be lied to and have the truth stolen from me. And once you have lied to me one lousy time, no matter how small the lie, I will probably never trust you again (but we can work on it).

But a politician that lies is unforgivable. Even if he doesn’t believe he is a politician. Yes, I am on the Malema wagon again. And you know what, I need to make it clear from the get go, I am not on this wagon for any reason other than the fact that I care for my country and its people, and do not like the direction in which Malema and his army of morons are trying to steer the country (and, unfortunately, appear to be succeeding).

South Africa is a country with great potential, but the potential is rapidly waning due to corruption and this concept that ~~everyone~~ the chosen elite is entitled to the wealth and resources of this country without having to work a day for it. Nothing comes from nothing. The citizens of this beautiful country work hard, pay their taxes and often get very little in return, as the politicians spend our money on ideas and blabber without delivery.

And Malema is the poster boy for ideas and blabber without delivery. And he is dangerous, even if no-one in government wants to admit it openly. But lets talk about his latest lies, as that is what started this conversation in the first place.

It was nobody's business where he got his money from - and his supporters did not mind his lavish lifestyle, ANC Youth League leader Julius Malema said on Wednesday

[source]

Apparently, it is perfectly acceptable to live a lavish life filled with sushi, designer suits, multi-million rand properties and luxury cars while fighting for the rights of the poor. Because someone who lives in a house with a room count higher than his own IQ can perfectly understand the plight of someone who shares a one bedroom makeshift shack with no running water or electricity with 5 other people. It is easy to make decisions on behalf of the poor and destitute over caviar and French champagne.

From the same article:

First he said the news report only existed in "the imaginations of right-wing, narrow-minded and obsessed white people"
Then he told a journalist who asked where he got his money from: "It's none of your business... you must mind your own business."
He was a private citizen and not accountable to the media, said the African National Congress Youth League leader.

Ok, so let’s get a couple of things clear here:

Not all white people are right-winged or narrow-minded. In fact, you may find the majority of us are actually quite nice people who like to believe that we are all equal.
No-one is accountable to the media, the media exists to serve public interest. This means that the news is reported to ensure tax payers are informed on what the government – who is also in place to serve public interest, just as an FYI – does with our money and our country.
The minute one becomes a politician, one is no longer a private citizen. If you decide to open your mouth in public, your business is no longer your own.

I think Mr Malema must decide if he wants a life in politics, or if he wants to be a private citizen. I know many many people will applaud (and do the happy dance) should he decide to return to the life of a private citizen so that the media can leave him alone, but somehow I cannot see that happening.

But the reason we keep hammering on Malema is because he keeps telling the big lies, and he very much resembles another very dangerous man from history.

His primary rules were: never allow the public to cool off; never admit a fault or wrong; never concede that there may be some good in your enemy; never leave room for alternatives; never accept blame; concentrate on one enemy at a time and blame him for everything that goes wrong; people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one; and if you repeat it frequently enough people will sooner or later believe it.

Sounds like Malema’s profile, but it is actually a description of Adolf Hitler’s profile. And there are many other similarities between Malema and Hitler’s methodologies. Like Malema declaring racism = murder, after making racist comments like ‘white people are criminals’ himself earlier this year.

The longer we allow Malema to spread hate, the further away we move from the ideals of Mandela, and the worse things will be in this country. And that is not the paranoid ramblings of a middle-class white chick, seriously, but rather the truth raised by anyone with half a brain. We need to stop allowing this moron to polarise the country, and rather return to the wonderful rainbow nation we (ever so briefly were) were not too long ago.

domare draconis

2011-07-16T22:20:00.001+02:00

"We are our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves." ~ Tom Robbins

I remember once, when I was a young girl, someone told me that in order to tame the dragon you have to name it. Only later did I realise that it did not refer to the scaled winged creatures of the other world, but our dragons, our demons, our monsters are the things that break us down, that make us weak, that bring out the abyss in our souls. The only way we can survive the challenges life throws our way is by taming our dragons, giving them a name and understanding exactly why they are what they are in the first place. To name the thing is to control the thing.

I am sounding terribly preachy. But I am not. I am taming a few dragons this week, and reminding myself why.

semper insomno, semper somniare

2011-07-15T13:12:00.001+02:00

July is Mental Health Awareness month. And, despite the title of this blog, I am actually not so sane. No, indeedy.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder just about 8 years ago now. And that was just the official diagnosis. I showed symptoms from as young as 9 years old.

Bipolar disorder is such a misunderstood condition. And, yes, I prefer calling it a condition than a disease. Because, really, it’s not all bad. Of course, I am not downplaying the havoc it causes – the extremely dark depressions leaving one paralysed in bed wishing for death, because, dear god, anything including death would be better than feeling like this, the raging manias filled with anger and paranoia and spending sprees that would make a rich heiress blush and let’s not forget the addictions, oh god, the need for excessive everything, and even on normal days you know you will never never be normal.

One must have chaos in one, to give birth to a dancing star. - FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

But there is a good side to Bipolar too. The fantastic creativity, the super productivity, the ability to think outside the box, the touch of genius. And even if these moments are small points on the path of the pendulum, for me, they make the rest of the pendulum’s swing completely worthwhile – in retrospect, of course.

I'm so happy. Cause today I found my friends. They're in my head. I'm so ugly. But that's ok. 'Cause so are you. We've broke our mirrors. Sunday morning. Is everyday for all I care. And I'm not scared. Light my candles. In a daze cause I've found god. - Lyrics from "Lithium" by NIRVANA

But yes, Bipolar is a misunderstood condition. Normal people think that depression is being a little bit sad, really, something you should just snap out of. And there can certainly not be anything like being too happy.

"If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?"
— Kay Redfield Jamison

Depression at its mildest, to me, feels like the sun will never shine again, the birds will never sing again, and it will be a starless night forever. All joy has left the world, and I am just a pile of shit. As I spiral downwards, it feels like my bones are being filled with lead until eventually I can no longer move. Anything goes wrong in the world, and it MUST be my fault, because I am a useless piece of crap. Food has no taste, everything is grey and dull and limp, and there is simply no point in doing anything. When I was younger, I would cut myself with razor blades or the blades from pencil sharpeners, or prick my fingers with safety pins – simply to try and remember what it is like to feel. And eventually, you wonder what the point is, and you believe that the world would be a better place without you in it.

"You wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in an old plaid bathrobe in your kitchen, unpleasant and unshaved. You look at it, heart sinking. Madness is a rotten guest."
— Marya Hornbacher

Mania, at its mildest, means that I talk too much and too fast, and my thoughts fly by at 1000km an hour and I can work 20 hours a day non-stop, solving the problems of the western world while balancing the budget of the entire 3rd world, painting a picture with my right hand and writing a short story with my left hand. And then, because I am so fucking productive, I start believing that I am fucking awesome. Yes, the most awesome fucking human being ever – those around me should bow down as I walk past, because I am just so fucking brilliant. And then you stop sleeping. Colour and light become rich experiences, and man, who needs acid once you get to this point. But hell, acid would be awesome at this point, so why the hell not, right? And you just cannot get enough of good tastes and good sensations, so your partner better hold on, because man, you suddenly have the sex drive of a rabbit, and if you’re single, no red light district can provide enough satisfaction. And then there is the spending. No matter how in control you are normally, a mania will easily wipe out your life savings, your kid’s university fund, your retirement fund, and any other fund you may have access to. And often, you will spend money on crap.

"But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so."
— Kay Redfield Jamison

But all this still sounds all right, doesn’t it? Of course, because I haven’t even started thinking about the dark side of the mania. The hallucinations that follow on from that little superiority complex can range from voices telling you to do things, to full visual hallucinations of angels or demons – like I said, who needs Acid, right? – and the funny thing with hallucinations is that they are so hard to identify for what they are – your brain creates these images, and believes them to be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and no matter how much someone tells you that they are not true, your brain will always believe itself over others. And the less you sleep, the quicker the hallucinations start, and the less you end up sleeping.

"I thought I would inaugurate a Bipolar Pride Day. You know, with floats and parades and stuff! On the floats we would get the depressives, and they wouldn’t even have to leave their beds - we’d just roll their beds out of their houses, and they could continue staring off miserably into space. And then for the manics, we’d have the manic marching band, with manics laughing and talking and shopping and fucking and making bad judgment calls."
— Carrie Fisher

Bipolar disorder is not something you can just shake off, or work through, or explain away, or ignore. The worst thing to say to a Bipolar is just hang in there, or lighten up, or calm down, or I understand, I felt sad once. To be honest, there is no comparison between the sadness you felt when your dog died and the despair felt in the beginning of a depression, so don’t even try to compare the two.

Instead, you can say I am here for you or You are not alone. And always remember that bipolar people are people too, just like you, with kids, jobs, families, mortgages and all the other things that normal life brings.

About job creation

2011-06-18T08:48:00.001+02:00

There is a buzz in the political swamp we call our government at the moment. Two words are flung around wide and often, but no-one really understands the meaning or implication of these words, it would seem. Maybe it is because the words are flung like dung, rather than held close to the heart like a treasure.

Job Creation.

Yes, hot on the lips, but not so hot on the action.

Of course, this begs the question: how does a government just create jobs?

Well, you have, at the very least, one of the following two options:

Start yet another ministry, allocate budget to it, and task it with creating jobs out of thin air for one and all. Ensure that you employ someone who has never worked a day in their live in this ministry, to show good faith.
Invest tax money into areas such as education and health, making the budget available to expand those services to more citizens, and offer training in those areas.

Now, if I was the government, I would go for option 2. Not only does it actually sustainably creation long-term jobs, but it also benefits the country and all citizens.

However, seeing the current government’s track record, I suspect they would opt for #1, and launch the new ministry with a massive party to boot. Because, of course, this country needs yet another ministry bleeding money into official’s pockets, and who wants to empower the people anyway? Educate the masses, and they may stop believing your lies.

I see Juli-ass has been re-elected as ANC Youth League head liar. Good to know democracy is at work for the youth, allowing them to choose a leader with their best interest at heart.

For record-keeping purposes

2010-10-12T21:44:00.000+02:00

Several years ago, my husband and I bravely signed up for a membership with your club. At the time, we were running our own company and life was good. Then, in 2006, the economy took a turn for the worse, and we lost just about everything, which forced us to terminate our PF membership. We confirmed that everything was signed and sealed and scraped together money to make one last payment (19 August 2006), and parted ways with your club under the impression that we had done everything you expected us to do under the circumstances.

Imagine our surprise when, more than 4 years later, we suddenly receive a very cryptic letter from yourselves that offers us an amnesty offer mentioning outstanding arrears. When we finally manage to telephonically contact your customer service centre, we are told that we owe yourselves R23 400, but if we hurry and pay now we only need to pay you a mere R19 000.

Now, I am not sure what planet you guys live on, but where on this planet (Earth) does one allow one's debtors book to stretch beyond 90 days to 4 friggen years? And how is it that in 4 years and 2 months you have made not a single attempt to contact us to informs us of this apparent arrears, but suddenly want to offer us an amnesty as a blackmail to get us back into your club?
Never mind ethics - this is simply bad business practise.

Of course, your customer service representative did exactly as you brainwashed her, and offered no explanation or assistance, merely insisted that we have to pay the R19 000 within the next three months.

I am sorry, but this simply is not acceptable. I expect, nay demand a full explanation of how this happens - not just to us, but to the other 118 other complainants on Hello Peter and a large number of other public complaints of a similar nature I have found online. Is Planet Fitness in financial trouble that you are trying to extort money from past customers, or are you simply jumping onto the gravy train?